Beautiful Sunday.
We're sitting here like idiots.
Should be playing golf.
Yeah, how do you work a glue gun?
Oh, yeah, like I know how to work a glue gun.
Should we try going to a public course?
On a Sunday it'd be a long wait.
When do you think I'm gonna hear from the new club?
Thursday.
My interview went very well.
I thought mine went great too.
Yeah. It did?
Did you have the tall blond guy?
Two guys.
Yeah, I think they, uh, really took a shine to me,
I gotta tell you, yeah, I really do.
Okay.
I don't know what to do without golf.
When I'm done with this paper, I'm gonna wander the streets.
Wow.
You wanna get the violin out?
Get the violin out, it's sad.
It is sad, yeah.
Here's another thing,
I'd love to get to this dodger game tomorrow night.
I called everybody I know.
Yep. You did?
Nothing? Nothing.
Everybody at dodger stadium, from top to bottom,
nobody's got tickets.
It's gonna be some game.
I know, I wanna go too.
It's too bad we got kicked out of that golf club.
Marty funkhauser has two season tickets to the Dodgers
his father just died, he's probably not even going.
I'm sure he's not gonna go,
he hasn't even gone back to work yet.
He's not gonna go to the game. So, he's not gonna go to the game.
So, what's gonna happen to those tickets?
They're gonna go to waste.
It is weird to ask a guy, you know, his father just died,
can we use your tickets?
It is kind of tacky to do that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Huh.
Still, I mean...
It doesn't hurt to ask, it might be a way to...
What do you do, just call him up and say, hey?
Marty, I know you're still in mourning.
Right.
I'm sure you're still in...
Marty, I know you're still in mourning, but is there any...
I feel your grief, but are you gonna use those tickets?
Marty, just so your tickets don't go to waste.
There's no good way to go about it... none.
Still.
You know every Sunday he has brunch over at nat's.
Well, we gotta get some breakfast anyway, right?
We just say hello, we happen to run into him...
Let's go get some breakfast maybe we'll run into him,
say hello and just say you know,
we'll feel it out, check him out.
Zip in, zip out, say hello.
The subject of baseball comes up, it comes up, that's all.
Ah, see him? See him?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's tougher than I thought, but hopefully...
Hey, hey. Look at this.
Look at here, look what's going on here.
Do me a favor,
call me back and we'll play maybe.
Bye.
Hey.
How you doing, man?
Good to see you guys.
I can't believe you come in here.
I eat here all the time,
I used to eat here with my dad.
Oh.yeah.
I've never seen you guys here before.
We thought, uh, we were talking about it.
I thought I'd try it out.
We were hungry. Yeah.
It's great food.
Yeah, what's good?
Well, I always order the Turkey.
A little Turkey action today.
A little Turkey action today?
Turkey today.
I just can't eat today.
I've lost five pounds in two days.
I have no appetite.
By the way, you know, I'd just like to apologize again
about the whole five wood incident and...
It's forgotten.
'Cause you know, I hit the shit out of that club.
I know you do.
You know that, you've seen me hit that club.
Let's not talk about the five wood anymore, okay?
Okay, alright, alright.
You guys get into Beverly park?
Not yet.
Well, we interviewed.
We're waiting to hear. Waiting to hear.
Good luck.
Great course, have you played it?
Uh, no, uh, I'm a Jew.
Ah, funny.
Oh, hey, who do you like in the dodger game tomorrow night?
Oh, it's gonna be tough, it should be a great game.
Yeah.
Sold out.
It's a shame about your dad and all because, you know,
you probably, well, I guess,
just not up for going to a game, I guess, huh?
No, I decided I'm gonna go.
No kidding. Good for you.
He would have wanted me to go.
I think that's true.
Mm-hmm, he would have, most certainly.
Hey, you know what, if you're a little lonely,
you need a little companionship at the game,
if you want me to keep you company,
I'd be happy to do it.
I don't have a seat for you.
What about your dad's seat?
It's spoken for.
Okay, alright.
Okay, well, you have a good time.
Great seeing you guys.
Turkey, gonna get the Turkey.
You're gonna love it.
Good.
Where are those seats anyway?
Uh, they're third base, field level.
Hmm.
Good.
Hey, you know what?
If you hear of anything...
Where am I gonna hear of anything?
Well, sometimes you hear that some so and so's
got a ticket an extra ticket. The game's tomorrow.
Okay.
Well, if the person who you're taking might drop out,
you know...
No dropping out.
The tip, remember the weatherman's tip?
The statute of limitations has gotta be up on that, no?
You're still asking about the golf tip?
Uh, forget it.
Daddy-o!
Hey, hey.
You, wearing that old Seinfeld jacket?
Oh, this?
Yeah, you still wearing that thing, eh?
I'm trying to get out of jury duty today.
You know, I'd do it,
but I'm in the middle of rehearsals for the producers.
So, that can help you get out of jury duty?
Yeah, 'cause they hate people in the entertainment industry.
They don't want them serving on juries, so, I thought,
you know, what the hell?
( Laughing )
And if you've got a Seinfeld jacket,
they'll throw you out of there?
Yeah. Alright.
Alright.
Hello, darling. Hello, darling.
Hello, look who's here, my beautiful wife.
I know that girl from someplace.
She looks very familiar.
I'm glad I caught you.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
I gotta go downtown.
Oh, for jury duty.
It's hard to get out of these things.
I don't know what, I'm gonna have to make something up.
I would serve if they made me the foreman, but, you know...
Yeah, I don't think you get to choose.
I can't serve under another foreman.
That's not gonna work.
No, and then what are you doing?
I'm gonna go, I guess, I'll go to Jeff's house
and watch the game.
Would you rather go to the game?
I got you tickets.
What are you, kidding me?
Where did you get these from?
You know what, I'm not gonna reveal my sources.
But just trust me they're good, I got you two tickets...
That's pretty high up on the alphabet.
Okay, then, you know what?
I'm just joking around, come on.
You wanna go with me?
No, no.
Go, go with Jeff, I know you guys were working on tickets.
That is so nice.
Oh, oh.
Thank you, that's so nice of you.
Okay, well, you guys have fun.
Okay.
You have a wonderful girl over there.
Yeah.
What are you doing, TV guide crossword puzzle?
Yeah, tell you the truth, I'm having so much trouble
with the glaucoma, the pressure on the eyes.
Alright, look.
I've told you 10 times already.
Let me get you the, you know, some marijuana.
No, son, come on, again with the marijuana.
Will you stop already?
Do I look like some kind of beatnik?
I'm not gonna with the marijuana.
What beatnik? It's good for glaucoma.
It'll make you feel better.
Medication is, well, it's not working, but I think...
You take a couple of puffs, you'll feel better, so what?
Is that bad?
Why should you be in pain like that?
Alright, will you stop nudging me about that, I...
Just do it, if I get it, will you do it?
Where you gonna get this?
I have no idea.
You gonna go out on the street and pick up...
I don't know how I'm gonna get it,
but, I'm gonna get it for you, okay?
If you'll do it with me.
I'm not gonna have any, but you will.
Alright.
Alright, I'll see you later.
Alright, right.
Ms. Whitaker, have you ever served on a jury before?
No.
Have you ever been the victim of a crime?
No.
Is there any reason you can think of that you would not
be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner?
No.
Okay, thank you for your time.
Absolutely.
Moving on, your honor.
Could you state your name, sir?
Larry David.
Mr. David, I'm counselor condon.
Counselor condon, nice to meet you.
Uh, have you ever served on a jury before?
No.
Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?
My cousin once stole an almond joy from me,
was upsetting at the time, but uh...
I don't think that would be considered a serious crime.
Is there any reason you can think of that you would not
be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner?
I don't know if I could be impartial, Mr. condon,
given that the defendant is a negro.
Problem?
Good afternoon, good afternoon.
Uh, I couldn't help but notice the, uh...
The transaction between you and the...
The other gentleman, uh...
What exactly were you thinking of?
A little, uh, a little weed going, you know?
Some weed?
Yeah, I got it, I got it, yeah, you know.
First of all, you can calm down a little.
Sure.
Just, you know, relax, just...
Yeah, no, I'm, I'm...
Create the illusion that we're friends talking here, alright?
You kidding me?
You know what?
You're 100% right.
That's too much, alright, that, yeah...
Okay, you're doing fine, alright?
Alright. Just chill out.
Well, I can get you an ounce of, like, some real, you know,
hydroponic scientific stuff, but that'll run you $500 bucks.
Hydroponic?
Yeah.
I'm not looking for a sound system, my friend.
You know what I mean?
Just looking to get my father a little, a little relief.
Let's play it safe, I'll give you an ounce of schwag.
Schwag?
It'll cost you $200 bucks.
An ounce of schwag, $200.
$200.
Is that a fair, fair price you're quoting me there, sir?
Look, you can pay me $200 bucks or go fuck yourself.
Okay, well...
Look, I don't need to sell the drugs,
the drugs'll sell themselves.
Sure. You know, forget it.
No, just keep walking.
No, let's do schwag, schwag, $200 for the schwag,
no, no, no, no, schwag, $200, okay, I got it.
I got it, so, what do we do, what happens now?
You got $200 on you?
Yes, yes.
Alright, take out the $200 bucks.
I'll count to three, where is it?
It's right here.
Let me hold, let me put my hand on it.
Just give me your money, sir.
One, I got, you're not letting me put my hand...
Your hand is on it, your hand is on it.
Alright. One, two, three.
Alright, now, keep walking.
Okay, any particular direction?
Just, just, just please move.
Which?
Just walk, just walk, just walk.
Jesus Christ.
I gotta go this way.
Just go, just go.
What?
Oh, Jeff, you're not going to the game?
What are you kidding?
Oh, my god.
No, it took me so long in court,
now I can't even ask Cheryl to go.
Aw, you should see the traffic.
The only thing moving is the carpool Lane.
I'll never make it, I'm just gonna go home.
I'm not gonna use the carpool Lane by myself.
'Cause I, I don't want to.
Well, that's the difference between you and me.
Alright, goodbye.
Hey, daddy.
You wanna date with mama?
Get in the car.
So, what's your name?
Moneena.
What you, what you into today?
A little lollipop love?
A little digging for diamonds?
See, actually, I'm not really interested in any sex per se.
Per se, you one of those freaky motherfuckers or something?
To tell you the truth, what I'd really like to do
is I wanna go to dodger stadium
and, uh, I wanna go to the game and I'll pay you for your time,
if, what, five hours, it'll be.
You just want me to sit in the car?
Just sit in the car, that's all you have to do.
Oh, you a crazy sonofabitch.
Alright, $1,000.
$1,000, what are you kidding me?
That's for, uh...
Exactly. $200 an hour?
I can get four blow jobs an hour.
Four blow jobs an hour?
Oh, yes, I'm good, okay?
Hey, I drove a cab, I used to drive around for two hours,
I couldn't get a fare,
you're telling me you're getting four blow jobs in an hour?
Yes, honey, you done picked up the best.
Honey, I got a red snapper that talks to you.
You know what it's saying?
I'm charging way too much.
$750 and take me to the game.
I'm going to the game then.
I can't take you to the game, moneena.
I'm terribly sorry, I only have one ticket.
$750, do you know this is not fair.
I know, listen, you're unhappy, I'm unhappy too.
That's what a good compromise is all about.
Have you heard of Henry Clay,
are you familiar with Henry Clay?
No, I don't know no Henry Clay.
What'd he say?
He was the great compromiser.
This is a good compromise.
This is not a good compromise...
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied
and I think that's what we have here.
Boy, look at this.
We are really zipping along here.
I'm gonna make this game.
This is great.
I thought you only had one motherfucking ticket.
That's two tickets.
I'm meeting a friend there actually.
No, I'm gonna go to the game or you gonna take me back
to the corner or I'm gonna call my motherfucking pimp.
How 'bout that?
Yeah!
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Let's go to the game.
Ah, baseball, oh, you know,
I ain't never been to no baseball game.
This gonna be cute, oh, yeah.
Alright, well put, put... Pull your thing up over there.
Make yourself presentable.
You know you gonna have to feed me.
I want two hot dogs, a bag of peanuts and a milkshake.
They got milkshakes?
I, I, I don't know if they have milkshakes.
Hey, don't put your wallet away
'cause you know I'm a get hungry again.
And that's...
Just stop talking for a second, would you?
I know the seats ain't way the fuck up here.
Oh what, you got a problem with the seats?
You said we had good seats, club seats and shit.
Look, way the fuck up, shit.
Hey, there are a lot worse things
you could be doing, you know?
Whatever.
Alright, let's just watch the game.
What you looking at?
My friend Marty funkhauser sitting next to an empty seat.
He said he was taking somebody to the game.
Shit.
Oh I know, I know you ain't looking around like you scared
somebody gonna recognize you or some shit.
You trying to act like you ain't with me?
No, I'm not trying to act like I'm not with you.
What are you saying?
I will pull a titty out in this thing.
I will pull a titty out...
Don't, don't you dare do that...
I will, act like you with me then.
I'm with you, I'm with you.
I'm acting like I'm with you.
That's cool, that's better right there.
No, don't. I will... mmm!
That's better okay, alright, yeah.
Alright, yeah.
Shit!
Who are they?
These two guys who interviewed me for this golf club.
Oh, you know what?
I gotta get out of here.
I'll be back.
I'm not playing with you.
You better come back.
I'll come back don't worry.
If I'm not back I'll meet you at the car after the game.
What the fuck you looking at?
Ball one, alright, three more of those and we...
Hey, Marty.
Hey, Larry, I see you got a ticket.
Yeah, the seats really stink though.
I, I'm sitting all the way up there.
Oh, there's a hit.
Oh, foul ball.
Hey, what a great game, huh?
Is anybody sitting there?
No.
Oh.
Can I join you?
No.
Why not?
Well, uh, it's the seat for my father.
Your father's dead.
It's a memorial.
We used to go to games together.
It makes me feel close to him.
It's to honor him.
Oh, no!
Come on, Marty, let me sit there.
I can't let you sit there.
What are you kidding?
No, I'm not kidding.
You're not gonna let me sit there?
Not even for a minute.
Are you nuts?
Thanks, Marty.
Thanks.
( Crowd cheering )
Oh, you back fast.
I told you I'd come back.
You did, you did.
There you go.
Now, I bought us some popcorn.
You're a sport.
We gotta go out more often, really.
I gotta pay you back.
Yeah, you gonna give this shit.
No, I...
If you're ever looking for a good blow job
at a reasonable rate...
She's your gal.
That was good.
You got some... Oh, you a pimp.
( Trying to start car ignition )
Larry, Larry, come here a minute please.
One second.
You're not gonna believe this, but my car won't start.
Oh my god.
What a shame.
It is, listen, I've gotta pick up someone at the airport.
And I know it's on the way.
Can you give me a lift, please?
Why don't you ask your father to help you jump start the car?
Hey, Leo, why don't you give him a push?
I'm sorry about the ballgame, it was emotion.
Just give me a ride.
Let's not go through this please.
There's one little problem.
I'm with a prostitute.
My eyes are closed.
I'll sit in the back, do what you want.
I didn't pick her up for sex.
I actually picked her up so I could use the diamond Lane,
so I can get to the stadium on time for the game.
I buy it.
Just give me a lift to the airport, please.
Alright, I'll tell you what,
I'll take you.
Oh, that's so great.
But I want the weatherman's golf tip.
That's the only thing I can't do.
Oh, your friend'll take a cab.
Okay, okay, wait, done deal.
Let's go.
Okay, take your normal stance.
Alright.
Okay?
Forget everything you've ever thought about golf.
Thanks a million for the ride.
I gotta go.
I'm coming in with you.
Nice meeting you, moneena.
I'm gonna use the bathroom.
Well, how long you gonna be?
I'll be two minutes.
Well, what if the security people come
and tell me to move the car?
Drive around, keep driving around and around.
You in overtime, this is some bullshit.
Hey, do me a favor.
Just hold on to my jacket when I use the bathroom.
Why don't you bring it in there?
Where am I gonna put it?
What if they don't have hooks?
It's not my marijuana!
I was just holding the jacket!
What are you doing?!
This isn't even my jacket!
It doesn't even fit me!
Get your hands off of me!
Easy!
Get that dog away from me!
What took you so damn long?
Marty got arrested for marijuana.
You bullshitting.
I'm not bullshitting.
I asked him to hold my jacket when I went to the bathroom
and there was marijuana in the pocket.
You had marijuana in your pocket?
I bought it for my father for his glaucoma.
I bought it this afternoon and I forgot, I completely forgot.
You don't need no damn marijuana.
I got the best shit in town.
You should have said some shit.
Chronic.
Put that down, are you crazy?
There's cops all over the place here.
That's some good shit right there.
Chronic.
This is schwag.
What the fuck is schwag?
Shwag.
You don't even know what the fuck you bought.
I know what I bought, I bought fucking schwag, okay?
You don't even know what the fuck schwag is.
Have you ever bought it before, huh?
Schwag?
Yeah.
This is chronic okay,
it's gonna clear you daddy's eyeball problem and shit.
We gonna hook daddy up.
Put that on my motherfucking bill.
That ain't free.
Okay?
A little, little problem.
Little problem.
I don't quite have enough cash to pay you tonight.
But I'm, you know, I'm totally good.
I'll pay you tomorrow.
I'll come to your house yeah...
Tomorrow? This ain't motherfucking pussy on layaway.
You better take your little,
little trying to trick a bitch ass,
European ass in there to the motherfucking atm machine.
What are you talking about?
I can't 'cause I used, went to the atm machine this morning.
I already took out $500.
There's a limit.
I am not fucking around with you.
You know how much money you owe me...
I thought we were coup de la.
That coup de la shit.
Coup de la, coup de la.
Coup de la.
You trying to be all hip and shit.
I'll tell you what I'll do with you, okay?
Yeah, what you gonna do?
Okay, here's what I'll do.
We'll go to my father's house.
We'll get some cash, settle, everything clean okay.
I'm not going to your daddy's house.
What's, why what's the big deal?
'Cause you been dragging me around all fucking day
and you ain't paid me nothing.
Hey, I took you to a baseball game tonight.
Yeah, and we didn't have none of that good shit.
We sat up in them fucked up seats way up there and you...
Fucked up seats?
And you bought me one little raggedy ass hot dog.
Yeah, yeah, which you proceeded to blow.
( Knocking )
Hey.
Yeah, it's so late at night for heaven's sake.
Well, I was at the game.
I was just about to go to bed.
Did you watch the game?
Nah, watch the game.
I'm just so blurry I can't watch.
Um...
I got the stuff.
This is it.
That, uh, that's the stuff.
I got it, okay.
Yeah.
This is a joint.
It's a reefer.
Yeah, absolutely.
You light it up.
You go like this, put it in your mouth...
Yeah, you gotta inhale.
Hold it in your lungs.
Hold it inside.
And then...
You see how long I did that for?
That's a long time.
It's not like a cigarette where you're like that,
it's not like that.
Oh, okay, so, um...
Boy oh boy, I'm getting dizzy just from doing that.
Yeah, yeah, so...
Alright, so you do that a couple of times.
And then turn the TV on and see what it looks like.
Okay. Okay?
And I'll leave this here, listen...
Do you have any cash? I need cash.
Yes, I got cash on me, what do you need?
I need hundreds. Hundreds.
No, I don't have that kind of cash.
How much do you have?
I got around 30, I got $40.
( Knocking ) wait, wait, wait, let me put this away.
Wait, oh my god, don't, don't, don't answer.
Hello.
What are you doing?
I'm coming in. No, no...
I told you about putting me in,
you always got me waiting in the car.
I, I got it.
I don't want you coming in here...
I'm coming in there.
You tripping, what's wrong with you.
Oh look at your cute little daddy, yeah.
Uh, uh, this is a friend, is a friend of mine.
This is moneena, she's a... She's a friend.
That's your friend...
We went to the game together, she's a friend of Cheryl's.
Cheryl couldn't make it so I took, I took moneena.
So you went with another girl?
No, it's Cheryl's friend.
Cute.
Look, sweetie, we brought you a little eye medicine.
This your dad?
We gonna hook you right up.
Little daddy go the little eye problem.
Look what we got for you.
Oh, that's a joint.
Yeah, this is a joint, very good, daddy.
Chronic.
I have a joint.
That's very good, honey.
You want to go sit down and smoke it?
She's a lot of fun, she's a lot of fun.
You two, you two go sit and smoke...
No, no, no, I want you to do it too, you know,
you have to do it too...
Yeah!
Ah, okay.
Alright, it's okay, come on, daddy.
That's right, this is...
( Inhaling )
Oh, good, good.
No, no more, no more.
I don't want to tell you what this is.
What is it?
That's good shit.
You crazy.
I wonder what it is to smoke bad shit.
( Laughing )
We're gonna do some ebonics.
Ebonics?
Let's say this.
Dis chronic is the shiznik.
Dis chronic is the shizmik.
The shizmik. The shizmik.
Bashizzle my nizzle.
Bashizzle my, that sounds almost yiddish to me.
Yiddish ebonics.
Yeah, yeah, you holding on too long.
Look at that.
He blew the scene.
Gay cockim afenya.
How about he's a meshuggenah?
Meshuggenah.
Meshuggenah?
What's that ebonics too?
What are you looking at?
You see something, huh?
What did I do?
What did you do?
You know what you did, you did nothing!
If you want me to do something just tell me.
You gotta change the diet.
I told you about that.
I don't want the red meat.
You're eating the red meat.
I don't like that.
I'm doing the best I can.
Go to a doctor.
Get yourself a checkup, a colonoscopy.
Are you afraid to get a colonoscopy?
What's the matter with you?
I'm sorry.
Everybody does it, get a colonoscopy!
I, I, I'm really gonna do it.
You know something?
You're a good human being.
Oh, thank you.
And you, you know, I love him too.
He is my boy.
Fucking faggot.
You got your father-in-law's birthday coming up.
You gonna get a card.
Okay.
You're not gonna get a card.
You're not gonna do a fucking thing!
I'll try and do better, I, I will.
TV, TV, TV, that's all you like to do!
Read a fucking book!
Okay, yeah, you're right, you know everything.
Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?!
What happened to her?
Oh, making a phone call.
She's a very nice girl.
Oh, yeah.
You know something?
This stuff, I can see,
I swear to you, I'm not lying to you.
Really?
You're coming through so crystal clear.
You're kidding, really?
It, it's, it's a miracle.
I swear to you it's a miracle.
That's fantastic.
Alright, you ready to go?
Oh, my god,
it's a hooker.
All you have to do, Larry, is get up there and tell the truth.
Okay.
That's it, okay.
It wasn't your jacket.
No, just keep me out of this completely.
It was Larry's jacket, it was Larry's grass.
He's on trial, I'm not.
Right, it was your pot for your father's glaucoma.
You know, you could be a little more grateful.
I did come forward and get you off the hook here.
Thanks a million.
Why didn't you tell me there was grass in the jacket?
I didn't know there was grass in the jacket.
You didn't? No.
You bought it. I forgot.
Guys, I just need you to be earnest, alright?
The judge has to find you a credible witness.
Where is my jacket by the way?
I don't know where your jacket is.
Well, you were the last one to wear it.
Who gives a shit about your jacket?
I'm sure you can get another one.
Alright, sweetie, you know I know the way out.
Holy shit.
Oh, Mr. baseball, Mr. owe moneena $200.
You said five hours and it was seven, honey.
You still owe me $200.
I want my 200 schrilla.
Okay.
So this is your anniversary present, Larry?
No, no, see, I was going to the ballgame...
I want my money, baby, I need my schrilla.
You got, you got any cash?
Maybe 20.
You got any cash?
I got nothing.
All rise for the honorable judge George nagel.
Is that the judge?
Yeah, that's him.
Oh, no.
Well, Mr. David.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Well, you see, your honor, my father has this condition.
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