( Theme music playing )
It's kind of small in there.
Yeah, but it's not for you
it's for your nanny, right?
It's for my nanny. You're right.
All right, how much?
Whatever you think is fair.
- Really? - yeah.
I'm shocked.
All right, um,
you know what?
I'll find the blue book value
and that's what I'll give you.
- You got a deal, my big friend. - All right, my friend.
- All right. Congratulations. - Cheryl: Oh my gosh!
- You bought yourself a great car. - Thank you.
Hold on a second. Louis Lewis has just come out of his coma.
Okay, so what happens now?
( Louis laughs )
Oh yeah, oh that's a great idea.
Yeah, no, invite anybody you want.
Yeah, let's go all the way.
Okay, I'll see you tonight. All right, bye.
I'm going to a party tonight
my friends are throwing for me 'cause I'm getting out of here,
- and I would like you to go with me. - Okay.
- Yes? wow. - Yeah.
Hey, what are you gonna do about your cousin who needs a kidney?
- What, ritchie? - Yeah.
Well, so we'll find him a kidney.
- What about yours? - What, are you crazy?
I'm not giving anybody my kidney.
I just woke up. I'm gonna give things out now?
- That's very selfish. - Selfish?
- Yeah. - hey, let me ask you a question.
You know, I heard that you come in and out
of here all the time and I don't understand that.
I hardly know you.
I met you briefly once at ritchie's house
and they tell me you're in here all the time.
I visit people in the hospital and I cheer them up.
I go around, i do volunteer work.
And I knew you were here so I stopped in to see you.
Well I'll tell you something, you don't have to cheer me up
because I'm cheered up.
It pays to be in a coma, I'm telling you.
I've never felt so refreshed in my life.
- Oh, really? - You know those bears, they had it right.
They go into hibernation,
they come out like new bears.
Everybody should do this.
Congratulations again on the...
Getting out of the coma.
You should've seen him walking down that hall.
It was like the specter of death.
And then he passed me and he looked at me.
I'm haunted by that look.
Have you seen the, uh, case for the soprano's DVD?
No.
I can't find it anywhere.
Did you do something with it?
No, I didn't do anything with it.
If you're blaming this on me, you're barking up the wrong tree, okay?
I have a system. When I watch a DVD,
I put the case on top of the DVD player.
Then when I'm done, i take the DVD,
I put it back in the case, and then I put it back on the shelf.
Well, your system's breaking down.
- My system is foolproof. - There's no case on top of the DVD player.
Well, you're the one, probably,
who took it out and didn't put it back.
Don't blame it on me.
I mean, I'm not even that friendly with him.
Yeah, I know him 44 years,
but we're not really close friends.
He's more of an acquaintance.
Who gives a kidney to an acquaintance?
I just feel like if we're going to watch DVD's
that we should keep the case nearby
so we don't end up with just the...
Do you have any sympathy for what I'm going through? It doesn't seem like you do.
( Phone rings )
Hello?
Oh, okay, um,
yeah, all right, I'll... I'll see you tomorrow.
All right, thanks.
- Huh. - what?
That was Omar Jones.
He said he has some information for me.
He wants me to come to the office tomorrow.
So, Mr. David, I've got some very very interesting news
for you about your case.
Turns out you were right.
You are,
in fact, adopted.
Now your biological parents are Mr. and Mrs. cone.
And they currently reside in bisbee, Arizona.
They're awaiting your call.
( Silent )
Stewardess: please notice this aircraft has three emergency exits.
Located in the rear, center and forward sections
of the cabin. Passengers seated in these...
Hi. um, listen,
I can't really sit here by the emergency door exit.
I think you better get someone else.
Okay, sir we're about three minutes away from wheels up.
So you need to just stay put, okay? 'Cause we got a full plane.
You don't understand. If something happens we won't be able to get out.
- Calm down, okay? - I cannot do it.
I will panic. We will go down.
All we need to know is that you're willing to assist
passengers in the event of a non-traditional landing.
I cannot be of any help whatsoever
in any kind of non-traditional landing or any traditional landing.
Did you read the brochure?
Read the brochure? I can't read that brochure. It's Chinese to me.
I'm sorry, are you Chinese? You look a little Asian. I'm sorry.
It's just an expression. I don't think you are Chinese. You look maybe thai?
Okay, is it the seat or are you just scared to fly?
No, I choke under pressure. In any kind of game...
Basketball, if I was on the foul line
towards, like the last five minutes of the game,
I would miss the entire rim. I couldn't even hit the rim!
'Cause I was choking. Choking.
How about I get you a drink? Would you like a Merlot?
No thank you, I don't drink. I don't drink.
Just please find somebody else to sit here.
I'll look for a seat for you but you owe me one, mister.
Thank you. I mean, it's ridiculous. I don't want to sit here.
Why is she giving me a hard time? Just find somebody else.
Who the hell knows how to do this thing?
What, pull down? What is that gonna do?
Can I pull down? Do you have to be strong? I don't even know.
Then what do you do? You smash this thing?
What happens then? The door just suddenly opens miraculously?
You're not Chinese. You don't look Chinese. What are you, thai?
I think you're thai. You're thai? I knew it.
( Doorbell rings )
- Son. - dad.
Gosh. come on in.
Well, I had just come out of the Navy and, uh...
- Just gotten out, yeah. - That's right, we met in Times Square.
And she was the prettiest girl there
so I kissed her.
And, before long,
we had a baby.
But, we didn't have any money and...
Well, we just didn't know what to do.
We were just so young and just...
- I understand. - You know?
You remember anything about the people who you,
uh, who, uh, what, adopted me?
Who adopted you? Yeah, we met them.
The guy was a little nervous and jumpy.
He was all over the place. Jumpy, fidgety.
- All over the place. - Fidgety, huh? Fidgety guy?
- Yeah. - ( whines )
Kind of talked like that a little bit?
- He did kind of. - That's exactly right.
- He really has it, doesn't he? - I remember that, yeah.
And she was lovely, but she was a little loud.
But she... she sort of ruled the roost.
- Oh yeah. - But you knew she was a good woman.
You wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her, though.
- No, you wouldn't. - Yeah.
And they... they wanted a baby so badly.
Tell me a little bit about where you're from, Brooklyn?
Oh, no no no. I'm from Illinois.
Yeah, and I'm from Virginia
- I was born and raised in Virginia. - There, yeah.
So, so we're both sort of midwestern, Southern.
My people came from, oh, england and Scotland.
Been here for hundreds of years.
How do you spell your last name?
Both: c-o-n-e.
( Dramatic music playing )
Oh my god.
I'm gentile.
Hey look, Dave. Hi Dave, how you doing?
I want you to meet our son. This is Larry.
- Larry, nice to meet you. - Hi, nice to meet you, Dave.
- How are you today? - Mr. cone: He's a Chevrolet dealer here.
How come my dad bought one of those?
- I don't know, I can't help that. - I'm in trouble.
- Woman: hi, June. - Hi, Jenny.
- Hi Jenny. - Good to see you.
- This is our son Larry. - Larry, nice to meet you.
- Pleasure to meet you. - Enjoying our town?
Oh, I love it. It's beautiful.
- Hey, hi Wilson. - Hi.
This is our son Larry.
- Larry: hi, Wilson. - I didn't know you had a son.
- We do now. - Are you sticking around?
- I think I might. - Mr. cone: Isn't that nice?
- Nice little town. - You're gonna like it here.
- Larry: good afternoon. - Afternoon.
I noticed you're selling your car here.
Yep, letter her go. You interested?
Well, no I'm not. But may I ask how you arrived at that price?
Man: sure, that's the actual blue book value.
- That's the blue book value? - Yeah, right there.
Huh, I sold a prius to a friend of mine
and he told me the blue book value was $5,000 less than that.
( Inhales ) ouch.
Larry, what's wrong?
My friend took advantage of me, mom.
Oh, I know it hurts son,
but you must practice love and forgiveness.
Give him the benefit of the doubt. That's what Jesus would do.
Hey, I gotta bite, pop.
I got... I got it. I got one.
( Sounds duck call )
- ( Bird squawks ) - ( splashes )
You did it!
( Whinnies )
Good, son.
Crowd: go! Whoa...
Chug, chug, chug, chug...
( Cheers )
Wow, this really looks yummy.
We have, we have to say grace first, Larry.
Dear lord, we thank you for this bountiful meal.
We thank you for the love of each other.
And most of all, we thank you for our son, Larry,
that he's able to be with us here today,
having this great meal.Amen.
- Amen. - amen.
- What do you got there? - Sign of the cross.
Oh, nose, toes...
- Nose? - and watch, wallet.
Nose, toes...
Except I keep my watch and wallet on the same side.
- I don't think it's gonna work. - Oh, Larry. ( Laughing )
All right, nose, toes,
I'll just move my wallet to the right side.
Oh good. That's simple.
That's it, right? One, two, three, four.
- Right, that's it. You have it. - I kind of like that.
- You've got it. - Huh? That's it?
That's it. Dig in, Larry.
All right.
( Church organ playing )
Mrs. cone: Oh, Larry.
( Singing "go tell it on the mountain" )
My friends, i want to speak to you
on this beautiful Sunday morning
about a relationship in our lives
that we sometimes take for granted.
We have our family.
We have our husbands, wives, children,
and all the extended relatives of that family.
But there is another bond,
and that is the bond of friendship.
Think of all that it implies.
The caring, the compassion,
the devotion to loyalty,
and above all, perhaps,
to the generosity of spirit.
We must all ask ourselves,
am I a good friend?
Am I givingthe friend in need
what he needs most?
Have I sacrificed my own well-being
for the sake of him,
or have I let my own selfish needs
stand in the way of being his best friend.
My friends...
Mom, dad. - ...Give whenever the opportunity arises...
I have to go.
And taste the joy that is god's reward.
Stewardess: please notice this aircraft has three emergency exits.
Located in the rear, center and forward sections of the cabin.
Passengers seated in these exit rows
agree to assist in the event of emergency.
If for any reason a passenger seated in the exit row...
- Well, hello again. - Oh, hi there.
Hi. I'll go ahead and get you another at, okay?
Oh, won't hear of it.
You can depend on me, ma'am. I won't let you down.
( Clicks tongue )
- I got it covered. - Really?
Oh and, uh, be a dear, would you and get me a gin and tonic.
Sure.
Nice day for flight.
You can have my kidney.
Oh, I love you man.
I knew you'd come through. You're a hero.
It's okay buddy. Everything's gonna be okay.
Oh, I hope so. Thank you man. Oh god.
- Hey? - huh?
- What's that? - What's that what?
- What's this putter? - Larry, thank you.
Have you always had this?
Yeah, I've had these for awhile, you know.
I borrowed this from my friend a few weeks ago
and I played out of my mind with it.
I've been looking all over for this.
You can't even get them anymore.
My god, I love this putter.
Yeah, I know, it's pretty great.
Um, would it be okay if i borrowed this for a while?
Mmm, I don't think so.
What?
I've lost a lot of clubs. I've lent them out through the years...
I'm not going to do anything. I'll take really good care of it, believe me.
- I can't lend them out anymore. - I don't get that.
Come on, I'll take good care of it, I promise.
No, I'm sure you will. But I... I prefer you didn't.
I'm... I'm about...
What?
I completely understand. I... I...
- I respect your decisions. - Really?
I still love you.
God bless you.
Jesus Christ.
- ( Door closes ) - Cheryl?
- Cheryl: yeah? - I'm home.
How are you? Good to see you.
Oh my god.
What?
I love you. I love you.
Mmm, I love you so much.
- I love you. - Okay.
What are you wearing?
Is this a sweater vest?
- I've been doing a lot of thinking. - Hm-mm.
I want to have children.
Lots of them.
Well, let's talk about that.
We... we, uh, that deserves a discussion, I think.
We can talk about it tonight over dinner.
Okay.
And then I'll tell you all about them.
Yeah, maybe you could, uh...
You know, take your tie off.
I know why god
saved me from drowning a few months ago.
Why?
He wanted me to give Lewis my kidney.
And I'm going to.
Gotta say, man,
you are very, very calm, bro.
God will watch over me.
Hmm. he didn't watch over the last guy.
But you're a lucky man.
You're giving away a kidney.
The recipient is going to love you, man.
- Really? - you're gonna have your own personal slave,
is what it is. You could be in China
and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.
Well, that may be true of others.
I don't think with him, though.
He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.
You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?
Well, you know people get very attached to their golf clubs.
- It's understandable. - You're not attached to your kidney?
That's fucked up, man.
Larry, I gotta tell ya, I'm too weak to really express it and articulate it,
but this is the greatest thing that anyone's ever done for me.
I'll do anything for you for the rest of your life.
Just ask me anything and I'll do it for you, I promise.
( Laughs ) anything except loan him your putter.
You told him about the putter?
No, it it was an innocent conversation.
Why would you even bring it up under the circumstances?
- I actually defended you. - Jones: Mr. David.
- Defend me? Why don't you call e.T. Or pat o'brien? - Mr. David!
I mean, how dare you? What, you have to gossip? What kind of person are you?
- There's been a big, big mistake, okay? - Huh?
The cones, they're not your parents. You're not adopted.
- What are you talking about? - You're not adopted.
- I'm not adopted? - No. Sorry.
- What's going on here? - What do you mean I'm not adopted?
- What's going on here? - If you need anything, just let me know, okay?
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I am.
Good luck with the surgery.
( Screams ) I can't...
I can't do this. Oh, no no! I'm not adopted.
Get me out of here! Get me the fuck out of here!
- Who is that guy? - I can't do this!
- What the hell are you... stop it! - What about my kidney?
I got... I don't... I can't die.
Lewis: hey, stay here. What are you doing?
( Screams )
You're the best. You're the best.
Hey. let's go.
( Beeping )
( Weakly ) you really low-balled me on that car.
You paid me $5,000 less
then the blue book.
I looked in the wrong book, i guess, um.
I want you to give the $5,000 to Cher... to Cheryl.
I'll give the $5,000 to Cheryl.
Okay. ( coughs )
See? this is what you get
from doing good deeds.
I avoided good deeds my whole life.
Turns out I was right. ( Coughs )
You're right. Larry, the rabbi is here.
The rabbi.
Rabbi.
Larry, what can I say?
I'm still young, rabbi.
I thought when god takes someone young,
they're usually a good person.
That's the one thing i had going for me.
Well god is... is apparently
making an exception in your case.
Larry, is your house in order?
I mean you should have everything settled by now.
My business manager, Matt.
- I... I worked things out with him. - Good, good.
I supposed I could have traveled more.
- Yeah. - but where was I gonna go?
I went to Europe once.
No big deal.
The truth is, rabbi,
I can't stand packing.
You know, Larry,
we all have moments in our life when
we've acted out of thoughtlessness
and we've been inconsiderate to other people.
Is there anybody, right now,
that you can think of you'd like to ask for forgiveness
and make right with?
When you walk through my door, you play by my rules.
You take off your fucking shoes!
Devoted sister? Beloved cunt?
He's a racist. A bona fide racist
who preferred not to work with any black people under any circumstances.
- You fucked up. - Larry, you ate the baby Jesus and his mother Mary.
- You were following my wife?! - I wasn't following her!
She called the cops on you. What do you mean to... look at me.
You knew that my brother-in-law died on September 11th.
How dare you say something like that?
See, if this were yours it would say, "fucking douche bag."
You mother-fucking, cock-sucking
son of a bitch bastard!
I will body-slam you so hard,
that you will poop your bald pants.
You need a good fucking ass kicking.
That's what you need. You want to name our baby tang?
Hey! hold the door!
No, this is my jacket!
( Slams piano ) ( fist thuds )
What are you, crazy?
- Stop it! - My neck! My neck!
- Don't push me again, you stupid... - Cheryl: Larry!
- Get him, Joseph! - Take it back! This is ours.
- Woman: kill him, Joseph. Kill him! - Shut up, Mary.
Ow!
- You're a disgrace to your people. - ( Silent )
- Fuck you. - Motherfucker, what the fuck?
Larry, you piece of shit.
- You be quiet, big nose. - Go fuck yourself.
- Freak you. - Freak you!
- Asshole. - thanks for nothing.
Get out right now!
- Good boy! - Banzai!
Nah.
Jeff.
You know, I've never said anything,
but I've noticed,
you use way too much Mayo.
You know, when they make tuna,
there's already Mayo in it.
You don't have to put it on the bread.
I'll use less Mayo, I promise.
Also...
You really never should have let me do
that Seinfeld "TV guide" cover.
I really looked like an asshole.
My mistake. I'm so sorry.
- Anything else? - No.
Okay.
Dad.
I'm sorry about the adoption.
You're... you're what?
The adop... the adoption.
The doc... the doctor?
( Sighs )
Adop... adoption.
You want a doctor? A doctor?
- Mr. David... - He... he wants... I guess he wants a doctor.
Yeah, why don't you step... Step right back here.
- Lar. - ( groans )
Cheryl.
I know it's gonna be...
A long time till i see you again,
so would it be okay if...
I fooled around a little
until you got there?
Sure.
Is there anything else?
I know it was you
who misplaced that "sopranos" DVD cover.
It couldn't have been me.
I have a system.
( Panting ) I... I have a...
I have a system.
( Machine flatlines )
Larry?
Is there anything you can tell me
about his will?
I mean, I know it's... It's awkward timing
but he was very secretive
- for a while there at the end and I just... - Uh, Cheryl...
This 5,000... You want the $5,000?
- Of course. - Cheryl, that's unreasonable. It really is.
He manipulated Jeff. Jeff had no choice but to say "yes".
- I just heard him say it was the blue book value on it. - It's a petty wish.
- You don't need the money. - He's petty in life, he's petty in death.
- That's not the point. - Cheryl, you have a lot of money.
Jeff: it was a... no, no, Cheryl.
( All bickering )
He did not rip him off.
( Bickering continues )
Hello.
We're your guides.
We've been watching you your whole life.
Please.
- You're my guides? - Yeah, but you are dead.
You did die.
- You know, you've got a lot of fans up here. - Really?
- You've heard of ponce de Leon? - Yeah, the Spanish explorer.
- Yeah. - I wrote a screenplay about him.
- He knows that. He loves it. - Get outta here.
Larry, Marilyn Monroe was a huge fan of the Seinfeld show.
- What? - it's true.
- You're kidding. - No.
She's very much looking forward to meeting you.
- Get out. - She talks often of you.
Marilyn Monroe?
- It's true, isn't it? - The truth.
It's your mother, Larry.
Say hello to your mother.
What kind of schmuck are you?!
I mean, who goes around
giving their kidney to people?
Idiot! and I'm surprised that your father
let you do such a thing. Wait till I see him again.
Why did you tell dad not to bother me when you died? I missed your funeral.
So what? What's so important?
Why were you so happy when you thought you were adopted?
That's what I wanna know.
- I wasn't happy. - Oh, don't give me that.
- You were very happy. - I was not happy.
- You were absolutely giddy. - No, I was not giddy.
- Giddy? I was not giddy. - You were giddy.
I'm not done with you yet, buster.
Hey, Larry. Come here.
Ben hogan.
Yes, sir. ( Chuckles )
- How you doing? - Pretty good.
You know, I've been watching your golf game.
- You've seen me play? - I have seen you play.
And let me tell you something. You're moving your feet.
I know, Ben. I move my feet.
Yeah, you know that sex offender had a good tip for you.
- I know. Dropping the club. - Dropping your...
I can't do it, Ben. I can't. I've tried.
Why don't you come out with me? We'll shoot 18.
I'll show you how it's done, huh?
- There's golf here? - Absolutely.
We got great courses up here.
- You got a date. - I'll be waitin' for you.
I'm playing golf with Ben hogan.
It's called heaven. Come on.
- You guys, you've been around me my whole life? - Oh yeah.
You were at the spin-the-bottle party when I ran out when I was 12
- 'cause I was... - We were there.
Yes, I always wanted to ask you about that.
- Why were you so humiliated? - I felt so humiliated.
You should've stayed. - 'Cause i couldn't kiss anybody.
- I was scared. - Nancy loved you then.
- Let me ask you something. - Okay.
Did you hear my wife telling me that i could... she said I could fool around?
- Yes, we heard. - You heard her say that, right?
All right, so, if you go on a date, where do you go?
Are there restaurants? Are there movies?
Like, how does that work? What do you do here all day?
- Larry, Larry... - And what about this clothing?
- I need socks and underwear. - You'll learn all that in due time.
- Just be patient. - I'm just asking a question. That's all.
- We understand that. - So, if you're my guides,
then how come you let me eat those seven pieces of pizza at camp?
- Remember, I got sick and had to go home? - We remember everything.
Yeah, Larry, listen.
We're your guides.
We can't actually control events.
When then, what's the point of the whole thing?
I mean, who... why do I even need you? What does a guide do?
I don't even get it.
And what about going to the bathroom?
Because, I notice I've been here a while
and frankly I don't have to do anything.
And if that's the case... ( Whistles )
That's gonna be pretty good. Pretty good.
- Oh, one more thing. - Yes, what is it?
- "The sopranos" DVD cover... - The cover.
Any idea?
Did you look behind the couch, Larry?
- Behind the couch? - It's behind the couch.
Did you once look behind the couch, Larry?
- You didn't, did you? - Well, I didn't really look for it.
Because you had a system.
That's right. I have a system I take the DVD...
Cover and put it on top of the DVD player.
- Right, exactly. - That's not a system.
- Oh, is that so? - A system is...
Is that you know you're gonna misplace the DVD
so you get some DVD jackets,
just plain ones, and you have them there
in case you lose a... That's a system.
- That's not a system. - Keep the jackets in a folder. It's a system.
People misplace DVD's because they take the cover and put it someplace else.
And the people that misplace the DVD's
- have extra DVD jackets. - Whoa, okay.
- That's a system. - No, that's not a system.
- Listen to your guide. - A little bit of respect.
Oh, Mr. great guide who let me do that "TV guide" cover.
- Fuck you. - Fuck you.
- Fuck you. Fuck you! - Fuck you.
Okay, all right, okay. Take it easy. Just come over here and relax.
- What do you mean, relax? - Okay, come on.
( Guides whispering )
Larry, um...
We've decided that you're not really ready
and we're gonna send you back into your body.
- What? - we're sending you back.
What, because I said something about the system?
You're just not ready.
Okay, maybe it isn't much of a system. You're right, it's not.
It's a bad system. It's not a good system.
- Goodbye, Larry. - We're sorry.
Come on. That's not fair.
- Goodbye, Larry. - Goodbye, Larry.
Give me another chance.
Wait wait, I like it here.
- Where you goin', Larry? - Marilyn.
I was so looking forward to meeting you.
I really love your sense of humor. ( Giggles )
- Marilyn! - don't go, Larry.
- Marylyn! - don't go.
I'm not paying. I'm not paying.
- Look, I'm not paying it. I'm not. - ( Machine beeps )
- What? - oh my god.
- Larry? - Jeff: My god.
Jesus.
Oh my god.
( Groans )
( Sighs )
You notice how in the movies
they never fold when they're packing?
They just throw everything in.
- Hm-mm. - it's not believable.
- You know? - It's not interesting to watch, really.
Well, still, you have to pack the right way.
People just don't crumple up their clothes
and throw them in a suitcase. That's not real.
I'm not buying that.
You look good. You do.
- Really? - yeah, you look good, you know?
You know, I gotta talk to the doctor.
See if I got some clearance, some sex clearance.
Do you have to get clearance for that?
I think you do.
Needless to say, I'm quite prepared.
Okay. all right.
- What a thing, huh? - Yeah.
How do you feel?
You feel different after all this?
You know, yeah.
- I mean, come on, I'm a changed man. - I know.
- I'm a completely different person. - That's true.
- You really feel like that now? - Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
- I know what you mean. - You know what I mean?
- I don't need to say it, right? - It's good. No no.
- Oh, hey. - Hey. Your chariot, sir.
- What's this? - Hospital policy. You get to leave in a wheelchair.
Hmm, all right.
- Let's do it. - Let's do it.
Very excited about this.
Hello.
- And, uh... - Hey, you know what?
I think maybe I should use the bathroom before we go.
- Okay. - let's try the handicapped.
- Larry. - it's a rare opportunity, come on.
( Sighs )
Oh, someone must be in there.
- Hey. - hey.
What's with the walking here?
I had to use the bathroom.
Okay, I get it.
That one was occupied. I had to duck in here for a second.
It was a bit of an emergency.
Well then you wait.
You wait.
( Theme music playing )