( Theme music playing )
- Hey, Larry. - Hi, cha cha.
Thanks again for recommending me for this job.
- Thanks. You were so great. - Oh. Good.
And Richard says thank you too.
( Giggles )
- Aren't these great? - Yeah.
You like 'em? I could get you a pair.
Nah, that's okay. I'm going to the bathroom.
It's like Ross down by the airport... they don't do just clothes.
They do housewares too, if you're interested.
- That's okay. I'll... I'll... - so how are you today?
- Good. I'm just going to the bathroom. - Yeah? Is that Prada?
- Hey, Larry. - Oh, hey, Burt.
- 1:00 lunch, right? - Yeah, 1:00.
Yeah, lunch with the wives.
Downstairs, yeah. See you then.
- He's great, isn't he? - He is a good guy, yeah.
I wanna be a producer. How do you become a producer?
You know, you gotta know people.
- Well, I know you. - You know me, yeah. That's true. Okay.
- Maybe we could talk about that sometime over lunch. - Yeah, sure.
Great. Okay. Just let me know when...
All right, okay. - ...And I'll write it in my filofax.
Wow, that was quick.
You don't really need to comment
on what's going on
- in terms of that or anything. - Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
Okay. By the way, how do you get here in the morning?
I'm having a hard time getting here on time. What if we carpooled?
I really gotta get back, okay? So...
Okay, maybe you could think about it and...
Yeah, we're not... we probably won't be able to work that out,
but I'll... we'll think about it.
You have one of those healthy cars.
How does it work?
You put your footon the gas.
It was like having a bathroom monitor.
- I have a bathroom monitor. - Oh, that's terrible.
Why don't you go at home, like I do?
I don't like to go in my house.
Who doesn't like to go in their house?
Cheryl has... you know, she's an environmentalist.
She has this recycled
post-consumer toilet paper all over the house.
- Oh. - It's coarse.
It's like going to the port authority
- or a whaling vessel. - A whaling vessel!
I can't go here and I can't go there. It's horrible.
Oh, jeez.
All right, let's go to lunch.
I love that you have a restaurant in your building.
- Oh, and Larry... - Mmm.
Again, I want to thank you for cha cha.
- That has worked out very well. - What?
- Cha cha. She's been wonderful. - Oh my god, cha cha?
- Cha cha's been wonderful. - Are you kidding me?
I apologize for having even recommended her.
- No no. - You don't have to lie to me.
Okay? You don't have to lie to me.
No, I wouldn't. No, she's worked out very well.
- No, she's terrible. - Better than expected.
She's terrible and if you want to fire her, go ahead.
Oh, right. No no.
- Don't keep her on my account, okay? - I won't.
You're not gonna hurt my feelings if you fire her.
We're very happy with her. What can I say?
I tell you what: I've noticed that every time
I pass your office... That she's not working,
that she's reading or talking on the phone. By the way...
Well, that's her job. She's supposed to... she's a receptionist.
She's supposed to use obscenities every other word,
say "fuck" and "fuck this, cunt that" the whole time?
- Susie: You're kidding me. - No, I'm not kidding.
- The "c" word? - It's true, I swear.
Oh, she's been very... She really came along
at a good time for all of us.
I am very impressed, Barbara, that you are here today.
- Oh, thank you. Me too. - They've got nine kids.
- Susie: Nine kids? Nine kids? - Yeah. Yeah.
- Jeff: Nine kids? That's unbelievable. - Barbara: I know.
Larry: Jesus, you're kidding.
It's a little egotistical though, isn't it...
Burt: No, it's really not up to us.
To have so many of you?
You want to bring so much more of you into the world.
Hey hey hey, you should tell Larry about your dad's shop.
Oh, my dad has opened this barbershop.
He wants you both to come, special invitation.
Completely retro, very old-school.
- You mean, like the old barbershops? - Oh yeah, with the pole.
I love that. What a great idea.
- The first thing he did was get the pole. - I'm gonna go.
- Jeff: I'm gonna go with you. - Does he do the hot towels?
- Should we go to the barbershop? - I'm with you. Let's go.
- We're gonna go. - Yeah, get a cut and a shave.
- A little aqua velva? - Susie: Like "the godfather."
Waiter: I hope that you enjoyed your lunch.
Jeff: Daviday, it was fantastic.
Good. I want to let you know
that we are going to send our Autumn food jellies
made of concentrated sugar, apricots
and winter fruits and nuts.
- Susie: Oh, delicious. - Winter fruits.
- A nice treat, a nice treat. - Yummy.
Now tell me, is there anything else I can do for you?
You know what? You could wrap this up for me to take home.
Very good. You're going to warm that up for a nice luncheon?
Uh, no, actually. It's for the dog.
We have a policy that we do not give food
that was prepared for people to animals.
Well, I'm giving this to the dog. You're not.
So just wrap it up. I'll give it to the dog.
No, that is the policy of the restaurant.
All right, daviday, forget I said it.
Just wrap it up. I'm taking it home. Okay?
We do not give doggy bags to dogs.
Why do you think they call it a goddamn doggy bag, huh?
If you want to feed an animal, why don't you
go to petco and get a bag of kibble?
Well, I give him kibble and I like to spice it up
- with a little steak every now and then. - I can bring you corn.
- I don't want corn. This is my steak. - Okay, you know what?
- Hey hey hey. - What?
You know what? I'm gonna take that home.
- Susie: Oh, okay. - Do you mind? Do you mind?
- You take it home. - Daviday, I'm gonna take this home.
- Do you have an animal? - No.
- Does he have an animal? - No.
So you are going to eat that?
Yes.
- You promise me? - Yeah.
We shall see.
- Susie: A fucking nutjob. - "We shall see"?
- Susie: What does that mean? - Larry: It's a little crazy
that you can't give a doggy bag to a dog.
- Jeff: It's none of their business. - Thank you. Thank you.
- All right, I'm going to the bathroom. - All right.
Jeff: You're excused.
Hey, Larry. Long time no see.
- Hey, cha cha. - Hey.
- Have you had the fruit plate here? - No.
- It's excellent. - Really?
- You have to try it. Taste this. - No, please.
- It's the ripest cantaloupe. - I've had fruit. Fruit's fruit pretty much.
What did you have for lunch?
- I had some chicken. - Chicken?
Chicken and fruit go together. You can have this for dessert.
- Okay, I gotta... - It's really really good.
I highly recommend it.
Mm, that time again, huh?
- Oh, cool, you're here. I owe you. - Oh, hey.
Good to see you, man. I was just over at cha cha's.
Ooh, god, is she beautiful. Whew. Jesus.
Listen, I had an idea. I want to go to a movie tomorrow night
and maybe... it's been a while... let's double-date,
cha cha and me and you and Cheryl.
What do you think?
- Uh... - why the hesitation?
I don't know. I mean, I don't know what our plans are.
I'll let you know. I'll call you.
What's wrong?
You know, I got cha cha this job and all...
Yeah, and she loves you for it. Me too, by the way.
Yeah, well, it's not really working out for me,
I gotta tell you.
Why not?
Her office is right across from the bathroom.
- Yeah, I know. - Every time I go to the bathroom
I have to have this... Stop and chat with her
both before I go and after I go. It's too much.
She means well. By the way, she's told me
that you go to the bathroom, like, 10 to 14 times a day.
You move your bowels, you piss...
Are you all right? She was concerned.
Okay, do you see what I'm saying?
This is what I'm talking about. This is none of her business...
How often I go to the bathroom,
what I'm doing in there, how long I'm in there.
Talking to you about my personal bathroom habits...
That's not good, all right? It's too much. It's too much.
Someone's got to sit there. Would you rather have a klansman sitting there?
No, I'd rather have a stranger, frankly... a stranger sitting there
who I don't have to report into.
- She cares about you. - Oh, she cares about me?
Yeah. Okay, listen, it's none of her business.
She has bowel concern for you and I do too.
I don't need her bowel concern.
- How much water do you drink? - I drink a lot of water, that's all.
- Big deal. - A lot of water? You drink more than a porpoise.
Yeah, usually I have bottles of water.
- I don't know where they are. - No one pisses that often
without drinking, like, thousands of gallons a week.
Okay, all right, let's stop talking about this.
My bathroom habits are not your concern, okay?
All right, I won't care about your health. Fine.
You don't need to care about... I'm in very good health.
- You are? - I got a beautiful colon.
- You wanna take a picture of my colon? - I have a vhs of mine.
Fine. You can put my colon up next to your colon.
We'll see who's got a cleaner, healthier colon.
I'll have a colon contest with you any time you want.
Any time you want to have a colon contest, buddy, yeah.
You're shitting and pissing almost 70 times a week.
Get the hell out of here. This is ridiculous.
She's right next to you.
I don't want her monitoring
my bathroom habits, okay?
What are you eating? A lot of grains
and fruit and nuts like a Jew squirrel?
- Okay. - Where are you going?
You're not going to the bathroom again?
No, I'm not going to the bathroom.
- You are going to the bathroom. - No.
I bet you are going to the bathroom.
( Screaming )
So what happened?
I flushed a toilet and it was, like,
the loudest flush, like a Sonic boom went off.
- It just was so loud that I was thrown back. - Really?
I was trapped inside the stall
and I'm telling you, it's killing me.
Okay, so you're having some pain there.
- Right ear, yeah. - Right ear, okay.
Let me just ask you a couple other questions.
Re you experiencing any dizziness?
- No. - No.
- Any shortness of breath? - No.
- Aches and pains anywhere else? - No.
Are you going to the bathroom a lot?
I don't see how that's relevant, really...
Am I going to the bathroom a lot.
Are you urinatinga lot?
What does that have to do with my ear?
This is a standard medical question. It's all...
I know, but I really don't think it's relevant
how often I go to the bathroom.
With all due respect, I think I'm the one
who should tell you if it's relevant or not. And it is.
Well, let's just say... let's just move on. How about that?
What, you're not gonna tell me about urination?
I'd really rather not talk about it.
I don't see how it's anybody's business, frankly, you know.
It's kind of private and I really don't think...
- How is it private? - It's private.
How often I go to the bathroom is kind of a private thing.
Yeah, but I'm not some... we're not on a bus. I'm a doctor.
We'll just have to make a diagnosis without this information.
I'm normal. Let's just say that, okay?
- What does "normal" mean? - Everything's normal. It's normal.
Three times a day, four times a day?
Do we have to get into a specific number?
Do we have to get a number attached to it?
- Yeah, it's science. - However often people are supposed to go, I go,
unless I drink a lot of water. And, you know,
sometimes I drink a lot of water and I'll go a lot.
If you had an office next to the bathroom and it was one of those days
I was drinking a lot of water, you'd say, "boy, this guy goes a lot."
But so what? So what?
- What are you talking about? - I'm talking about,
you know, urination frequency
if I happen to be drinking a lot of water,
which I have been doing lately, so maybe lately
I've been going more often than I normally would.
- Great. - But it's good for you
to drink water. That's a good thing.
- That's all I wanted to hear. - That's a good thing, drinking water.
Yes, sure sure. Okay, let's move on.
Please.
How's your stool?
Please. Stool's fine. Let's move on.
- All right. - You know, again,
I mean, if I do drink a lot of water,
I eat a lot of salad too. So that's good.
It's normal, okay? Is it more than once a day?
Many times it is, yeah. More than twice a day?
Sometimes, you know. Who knows?
If you had an office next to the bathroom and I was going
and you looked at your watch and you saw how long I was in there,
you might say, "oh, boy, he goes a lot."
But so what? That's good. That's a good thing.
All right, I apologize for... - let's just... can we get to the ear?
Sure sure. So here's... it's pretty simple, really. I'm gonna suggest...
I'm exhausted from being here,
you know, having to talk about my stool,
how often I'm urinating. I mean, you know, my ear hurts.
Okay, here's what I'm gonna suggest for your ear:
You just basically stay off it.
Use your left ear to talk on the phone
if you need to for some reason favor an ear, favor the left one.
Don't use the phone from my right ear?
Yeah. I mean, you just want to limit
the amount of noise that goes into it.
You want me to talk lefty?
Yeah, just talk lefty.
I have a hard time talking lefty on the phone.
Everything comes out wrong. It's like throwing lefty. I can't do it.
I'm not myself. I feel different, strange, like I'm not me.
I'm not comfortable talking lefty.
All I can do is give you my expert opinion, okay?
So that's what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting you stay off the right ear.
Okay, fine. I'll talk lefty.
And I also think it wouldn't hurt you
to talk to your therapist about your bathroom issues,
'cause there's clearly something going on there.
Okay?
I think I'd like to see somebody else.
All right. That's your right. Fine.
Is there somebody in the office I could see?
Now?
No no, you have to make an appointment.
This isn't McDonald's, okay?
Okay, fine.
- Okay, all right. - Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
What the fuck are you looking at, jewboy?
Fucking faggot.
That's right, keep walking.
Hey. - Come on, let's deal with it.
- Can we talk to you? - What? Wow. Hey hey.
- I like Cheryl. She's sweet, but... - Yeah.
She's nice, but the toilet paper...
I've never seen no toilet paper like that.
Have you been to port authority before,
- the port authority in New York City? - Yeah.
That's what it feels like.
- Real close. - I said the same thing the other day.
- Mm-hmm. - Did you get that from me?
Yeah. - Y'all got some funny kind of toilet paper here.
- We can't deal with this toilet paper. - Hey, tell me about it.
- You know what I mean? It's rough. - It's rough.
Well, you know, it's an environmental thing.
She's doing it for the environment. What can I do?
Can you do us a favor? Can we get some soft toilet paper to use?
- All right, okay. - Auntie rae: The babies' behinds are hurting.
All right.
Here's what I'm gonna suggest:
- You want soft paper? - Oh, yes. No doubt.
- I'll get you your soft toilet paper... - Okay, cool.
Under one condition...
I want access to the toilet.
- You want to use our bathroom? - So what you're saying is,
you want to come in our bathroom and use our bathroom?
You got it.
- I want some soft toilet paper. - Okay, fine.
- It's all about the tissue. - Okay, you have a deal.
- Auntie rae, all right. - Deal.
- My man. - Leon. Oh, hey, by the way,
if Cheryl finds out,
you're all going down with me.
- We got your back. - We got your back.
- Cool. - What it is what it is.
Leon, come here. I need to talk to you.
What's going down, Larry?
Listen to this, all right?
I'm in a doctor's office earlier,
there's a guy sitting there, a skinhead, okay?
He looks at me and he says,
"what the fuck are you looking at, jewboy?"
- What? - "fucking faggot."
What? Okay, what'd you do?
- What'd I do? - Yeah, what'd you do?
I slunk out.
You slunk out?
Slunk. I slunk out.
So you didn't do shit and you punked out.
That's what the fuck happened, right?
Yeah, I punked out. I punked out.
- How'd that happen? - Well, what was I gonna do?
The guy could have killed me.
Next time a man calls you a fucking faggot,
you get in that ass, Larry. Know what I mean?
You get in that ass, Larry. That's what the fuck you do.
- What are you talking about? - You let that man slide today.
You gotta immediately get in somebody's ass when that happens to you.
You pull their asshole open,
step into their asshole, close the door behind you,
- pick up your spray-paint can, right? - Uh-huh.
"Larry was here." You spray-paint.
"Larry was here," "wash me," all that kind of shit,
fuck his whole asshole up, eat some snickers bar,
throw some paper on the floor, read a newspaper,
ball the paper up, the newspaper, and throw the newspaper on the floor,
fuck his whole asshole up, you know what I'm saying?
Then you open that asshole one more time...
Open it again, open that asshole again-uhh!
Step out of his ass and leave that motherfucker wide open,
- so he knows you've been there. - Open it up,
- step in. - Step in their asshole.
- Spray-paint "Larry was here." - "Larry was here."
- Leave garbage, snickers, eat snickers, leave garbage. - Spit, fuck it.
- Get out. - Mm!
- Open it up again. - Step out their asshole.
- Step out. - Don't even close that motherfucker.
Leave it open so he knows you've been there.
- You feel me? - I got you.
That's how you handle people.
Mm! Get in that ass, Larry.
- Don't worry. - All right.
I hope you don't get me killed.
My man.
( Line ringing )
( Huffing )
- Hello? - Hey, is Richard there?
Uh, no, he's not. Is this Larry?
Yeah.
- This is cha cha. - Ah.
( Chuckles ) - cha cha.
Hi, Larry. You just caught me in the middle of a workout.
So I'm calling about the movies.
Yeah, the movies, right.
You know, we were talking about... wouldn't it be great
if we could all go to a really nice dinner
in one of those fancy-schmancy joints?
Okay, I'll tell... I'll tell Cheryl.
Great.
What are you wearing?
What am I wearing right now?
Yeah, what are you wearing?
You're making me uncomfortable, Larry.
( Groaning )
1- ( moaning ) I'm gonna hang up right now.
'M gonna hang up right now.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
I am loving this place. Jeff, how great is this place?
It's unbelievable. I'm having a great time.
It's like my old barbershop in Brooklyn.
Yeah, reminds me of the old days, you know.
I like the whole snip-snip thing, the sound of it.
I think I can do it too. It doesn't look that hard.
You know, it's like the bongos... who can't do that?
- ( Laughs ) - you know what I mean?
Yeah. Anybody can play the bongos, come on.
Do you have to be that skilled to bang on something?
- Come on, how hard is that? - I never thought of that.
When was the last time you saw Burt?
Oh, I just had lunch with him
the other day, him and Barbara.
You notice anything different about them?
No.
'Cause she just had a miscarriage.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's a shame.
Shame?
They do have nine kids.
- That's it? - Yep.
Wow, that was pretty fast.
You haven't taken anything off.
Hey! ( Screaming )
I'm good.
Where the hell have you been?
I've been calling you all goddamn day.
- We were getting a haircut. - This is a bag of shit.
Oscar's been shitting. I've been cleaning up shit all day.
He ate those leftovers that that asshole gave us.
- Really? - "we shall see."
- "We shall see." Daviday. - That little piece of shit.
- Is that possible, that that nut did that? - Yes yes.
- He put crap in there. He put something in there. - Jesus Christ.
- Jeff: Is he throwing up too? - What a psycho.
You gotta go down there and tell this motherfucker
- you're gonna kick his ass. - Oh, yeah.
No, wait a second. He can't go down there.
Why? - Because I took the food home.
- I promised him that I would eat it. - All right, you go down there.
- You go. - Yeah, better idea:
You go, Larry. You go tell him
that you've been shitting all over yourself all day,
shitting in your pants, you can't make it to the toilet,
you got shit running down your leg.
Why can't I make it to the toilet?
Because it's more dramatic that way.
I don't wanna tell a guy I got shit running down my leg.
All right, tell him whatever the fuck you want. Tell him you've been
- sick sick sick as a dog, okay? - All right.
I'm gonna go to the restaurant right now,
- see what he says. - Go!
- You know, these waiters are nuts. - Jeff: He's nuts.
You can't get on a waiter's bad side. They'll do anything.
- Jeff: I never said anything back. - You gotta be so nice to 'e.
You gotta leave a good tip.
- Jeff, throw this out. - You throw it out.
You throw it out. I've been cleaning - no, you got gloves.
- I've been cleaning this shit. - You got gloves!
- Throw it out. - Aw, fuck.
Hello, daviday.
Hello, Larry. Nice to see you again.
Good to see you, daviday.
You know, I ate the leftovers
and I just want you to know
I got sick from them.
Now when you say that you got sick, do you mean
that the animal got sick or that you got sick?
- No no, I got sick. - You got sick?
Yes, and I'm just kind of wondering
if the food
perhaps was tampered with.
Well, it most certainly was not tampered with.
- Really? - Absolutely.
Are you sure?
I'm very sure.
- I don't believe you. - Larry, how can you accuse me of that?
Because I was sick. I was running to the bathroom all day.
- All day? - All day.
- Oh, really? I see. - Really. Yeah.
Aha. Cha cha?
Come here for a moment, please.
Larry doesn't feel well. He said that his bowels are irregular.
How many times has Larry gone to the bathroom today?
Twice so far,
two minutes each time.
Thank you.
Larry, that does not sound like a man who's sick at all.
- ( Punches and grunts on TV ) - ( chattering )
What's up, l.D.?
Um...
I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
- Leon: What? - Loretta: Hmm?
Bathroom. I'm gonna use the bathroom.
What are you doing in there?
The toilet wasn't working properly.
- So you fixed it? - I did, actually, yeah.
- Oh, okay, great. - I had to just jiggle it around.
Oh, okay. So it's all...
Hey, stay here for a second. No no, I just want to see
your handiwork. Hold on.
Hey, don't go anywhere. Don't go anywhere.
Oh, wait a second.
Larry?
Do you know how many millions of virgin trees
are cut down to make this toilet paper,
which is contributing to global warming,
which is causing hurricanes, which is why you're here?
Do you have any idea what I'm talking about, Larry?
- Yeah, that's what I was telling them. - This isn't the kind
- of toilet paper we use in this house. - No, it's not.
We use recycled post-consumer toilet paper.
That's what I've been trying... so why do we have tons of toilet paper in this bathroom?
And why were you in this bathroom using this toilet paper?
Again, the toilet was broken,
but they asked me... They were very unhappy...
- we asked you? Hold there, hold up. - ( All talking at once )
You liars, you were complaining about the toilet paper.
- He wanted access to our bathroom. - Auntie rae,
don't blame this on me, auntie rae.
- ( Doorbell rings ) - ( all continue overlapping)
Hey, David, come down here, pervo.
Come down here, you fucking pervo.
What? What are you talking about? How did you get in?
The fucking door. How else do you think I got in?
This kid has got to stop leaving the door open, man.
This is it. If I didn't know you my whole life,
you know what? I'd attack you right now.
- What are you talking about? - You called my girlfriend
and hit on her and she doesn't respond
- and you fucking get her fired, you fucking piece of shit. - What?
First of all, I never hit on her.
- And what are you talking about, "fired"? - Burt's dad at the barbershop.
You made that fucking miscarriage remark. So he fired her
because he wants nothing to do with anybody that knows you.
Oh, he's supposed to be getting back at me?
Who are you to tell him how many kids to have?
She's got nine kids. Come on, that's plenty.
- She wants more children. - How many does she need?
Who the fuck are you, the Messiah, to count?
I got news for you. That's enough. By the way,
in China you're allowed two.
Those people would be killed in China. China what?
Two... two babies in China.
What happens if you have three?
- They execute you. - They kill the baby?
Not the baby, idiot. They kill the parents.
Get out of here.
Well, maybe they don't execute, but they give you a good dressing-down.
How dare you lose my girlfriend's job?
She lost her health insurance,
she has no self-worth anymore.
- She lost her self-worth? Oh, really? - That's right.
You get on that goddamn telephone and you get my girlfriend's job back.
You call Burt and you apologize.
Okay, I'll make that call under one condition:
I want to be able to use your bathroom
- on the way to work in the morning. - Sit on my toilet?
- Yeah. - There's no fucking way.
Why? - Nobody sits on Richard Lewis's toilet.
- You use every toilet in the house? - That's right. I rotate.
- I can't use the basement? - No, that's for weekends.
I have no place to go to the bathroom.
I can't go here, I can't go at work.
You just make the goddamn call. You owe me.
- Jesus Christ. - I'll try.
- That's all I can do. - Yeah, fine.
Just get her her job back.
What are you doing? I want a righty call.
What's this lefty bullshit?
I want a righty call.
Jesus Christ.
- Hello? - Oh, hey, Barbara?
- Yes. - Hey, it's Larry David.
Oh, hi, Larry.
- ( Shouts ) fuck you! - ( Screaming )
The woman's out of her mind, screaming in my ear like that.
Can you imagine? Fuck.
Thanks for taking me, by the way.
You're damn right, man. It's a big favor I'm doing your ass, man.
There's the building. Pull over.
All right.
Okay, park the car and come up, okay?
His name's Dr. schaeffer.
Dr. schaeffer. All right.
( Quiet jazz music playing )
So you're all set, actually.
We'll see you next Wednesday.
Leon's voice: You get in that ass.
You get in his ass immediately.
- Get in that ass, Larry. - Hey!
Come on, you fucking skinhead,
you piece of shit, let's go!
He is not a skinhead. He just came out of chemotherapy.
- Sorry. - Asshole.
- Leon: Hey, skinhead! - Stop it. I'm not a skinhea!
- Leon! No, Leon! - ( Continue yelling )
Leon, no!
- Leon: Motherfucker! - Man: Stop it!
( Theme music playing )