Who are you?!
I'm Leopold Bloom.
I'm an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall & Marks.
I've come here to do your books.
Oh, Mr. Bloom.
I've been expecting you.
No, I've come here to do your books.
Oh.
You... you...
Have.
Oh, you have? Have you?
Huh?
Oh, you have, huh? Okay.
I know. I had it yesterday, I had the whole thing...
We went through the whole play,
I knew it backwards and forwards.
Why am I forgetting it all of a sudden?
Maybe I should go with you and run lines with you on the plane.
No, you can't.
Instead of going in two days, I'll go today with you.
No, that's crazy, it's crazy.
Will you run lines? I'll be fine.
You stick to the plan.
You got the nrdc meeting tomorrow.
I want you to go to that.
The environment is a lot more important than this show,
and I want you to do that.
Thank you, though. Alright.
But what, what do you think of my plane outfit?
Okay, you like my plane outfit?
It looks very comfortable.
Huh, it's comfortable, right?
Who's gonna be on the plane with you?
Let's see, Jeff, uh, David Schwimmer,
mm, cady huffman.
Oh.
Cady huffman?
What, she plays ula in the show.
No, I know who she is.
This is how, it's very obvious why you don't want me to go.
What?
Are you nuts?
And, uh, cady huffman?
It's like...
What, come on, she hates my guts.
I met her at Ben Stiller's party.
She couldn't stand me.
You better work fast, my friend.
Yeah.
If you're gonna cash in on this, uh, 10th anniversary gift,
you have, what, three days left?
You have some work to do.
How's it going, by the way?
Has it been going well?
It's okay, it's, you know, I haven't really been pushing it.
New York's a big place.
This is a good opportunity for you.
Okay, don't worry about it, alright?
Okay, yeah.
( Horn honking ) okay.
Oh.oh.
That's it. Okay.
So, I'll be there opening night, okay?
The next time I'll see you will be after the play,
6but I'll be there.
Okay. Okay, so know that.
I love you. I love you.
Bye.
Go get 'em.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
No Cheryl?
No, she's got that, uh, nrdc meeting.
Great.
She's not coming 'til...
You got three days, man.
Yeah, nothing's... three days.
You never know.
Yeah. You never know.
Three more days.
'Til we open too, isn't that amazing?
Amazing. It's the exact same day.
You're gonna be great.
Listen, uh, cady, uh, went to go get some coffee.
Oh, she's here, yeah?
She's here, and she confided in me something.
What, she hates my guts?
No, she has obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Really? Yeah.
Cady has ocd.
I, uh... I told her that you have it, too.
( Laughing )
Are you nuts, what's the matter with you?
No, come on, that's funny.
That's funny?
That's really funny, she was so excited.
How stupid.
It was not stupid.
Just a stupid joke to play on somebody, take advantage of...
Hey, Larry.
Hi, hi, hi.
Hi, hi, hi, oh.
Hey, where is the, uh, coffee place?
Uh, 123 steps that way.
123 steps, I'll be taking, I'll see you in a few minutes.
Okay.
Uh, Jeff told me something about you.
Really?
That you have ocd.
It's okay, 'cause I'm, it's, I have it, too.
Isn't that kind of great, though?
That's unbelievable.
I'd give you five, but I don't wanna touch your hand.
I'd have to wash it.
Yeah, me too.
It's exhausting, isn't it?
Counting, the cleaning.
Planes can drive me crazy.
They can really drive me crazy.
That whole, one bag is devoted to soap.
( Laughing )
Oh, here's David.
Hey, David.
Hey.
Sorry. How's it going?
How you doing? Good, good.
I'm gonna hit the lounge.
What is that, the admiral's club?
Yeah.
See you, cady. Okay.
I'll see you on the plane.
Well, I'm all checked in, uh...
Okay.
Should I wait for you?
Sure, yeah, okay. Okay, good.
( Female ) flight attendants, please prepare for departure.
Hey.
Huh?
Thanks for that ocd story.
Really? We're really bonding.
I mean, she looks at me like I'm a different person now.
Wow.
I can't believe it, it's amazing.
Do you have anything to read?
Mm, just sit there.
You don't have a magazine or a book, nothing?
No, I just sit.
How come you didn't bring a book or a magazine?
I don't need one, I like just sitting.
Who could sit on a plane for five hours like that,
I can. It's crazy.
Um, sir, could you please put your seat in the fully
upright position, please?
Let me ask you a question.
Yes?
Did he tell you to say that?
Did who tell me what?
That guy, right there.
Did he tell you the seat wasn't upright?
I don't know what you're talking about,
but we're trying to take off.
So, I'm gonna need...
I saw him talking to you up there.
Did he tell you my seat...
Sir, let me tell you what I need.
I need you to be quiet
and in this seat with the seat fully up.
Okay. That's what I require, okay?
But, but I saw him talk...
Did you hear what I require? Yes, ma'am.
That's all I require, yes, ma'am.
That's very good, you're learning quick.
Oh, but wait a second.
Excuse me?
Would you mind telling me what he said to you up there?
I mean, I saw him whisper to you.
Sir, I'm trying to get to New York.
Do you wanna go with me?
Yes, I do, ma'am.
Then we can't talk any longer, I got stuff to do.
Okay? Okay, okay.
Alright.
Hey, Schwimmer.
Did you tell the stewardess
my seat wasn't in the upright position?
No.
Hmm... interesting.
Yeah.
What were you talking to her about?
That's my business.
Just give me a snippet.
No, the discussion I had is privileged.
Can you give me a hint?
What's the area?
What could you be talking to a stewardess about?
Did you allude to me?
Ladies and gentlemen,
the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.
If you're up and about the cabin,
please return to your seat
and make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened.
Thank you.
Welcome to the regency.
Welcome.
Hi, how you doing?
Good.
Okay, alright.
Ah.
You know what?
Don't have any small bills.
I'll get you later.
Okay.
Oh, I detect a little skepticism there.
No, no, no. It's okay.
What's your name, Tim?
Tim.
Okay, you're working today?
Yes.
Alright, I'm all over this, alright?
You'll see, I'll be back.
Sir, the, uh, bellman will bring up your luggage
after you check in.
Oh, okay.
Um, I only have, uh, big bills.
I'll get you later.
Sir, whatever, whatever pleases you...
That's fine with me.
Do I detect any doubt there?
'Cause I, I...
No, not from me, I trust you.
I trust you, sir. You know what?
Here. Yeah.
This is a better idea.
Here's 20.
Okay, thank you very much, sir.
Split it with Tim, out, you know Tim outside?
Split it with Tim?
Yeah, give Tim 10.
Absolutely, thank you so much.
Thanks a lot, thanks.
Uh, if you're hungry later this evening,
there's a lovely restaurant in the lobby called the library.
I highly recommend it.
Okay. Very good food.
Uh, this is your key, access to your room.
It's a card, this is the card slot.
Uh, simply insert the card into the slot.
There's a beeping, wait a second.
Firmly apply pressure, and in you go.
That's fascinating.
Uh, some of the amenities, quickly, you have a telephone.
Dial nine to get out.
Uh, there's a television, here.
Okay, got that.
Some of these, and you have remote control for power on and off...
On and off, copy that.
Channel, up and down, volume, up and down.
A mini bar, also, underneath.
Got it.
Got it, got it.
Thermostat for air temperature control.
Yeah, I've seen those.
Uh, bathroom, uh, with shower.
Turn on the water.
You go like that with your wrist and the water comes out.
Yes, yes, uh, the cold is on the right.
Uh-huh, okay.
And that's, that's a window.
Yes.
You walk over to it and... And you can look out.
Is that what it's for?
Yes.
Basically that's what it's for, right?
Basically, yes. Alright, excellent.
Excellent, I think I got everything.
I think... The floor is for standing.
I think I got it, kind of complicated.
Uh, I'll go over it again.
Okay, thank you.
Okay, you're welcome, you're very welcome.
Alright.
I don't have anything for you right now.
I only got, like, 20's.
Sorry.
I'll get you tomorrow.
Don't be dubious, don't be dubious.
You're dubious. No, no, uh...
I'm gonna get you tomorrow.
Don't, thank you very much, thank you.
Yeah. I'll see you outside.
Um...
Seriously, I will, there's no problem.
I'm not gonna give you a 20,
that's nuts, that's nutsy, right?
Come on.
Sure, it's very nuts, it's crazy.
Have a pleasant evening.
( Phone ringing ) uh, I'm supposed to give you a 20?
Gonna wind up with more money
than me if everybody gave him a 20.
Hello?
Hey. Hey.
Let's go down and get a drink, come on.
Oh, I don't know, I just got here.
Who wants to sit in the room?
Let's go down, come on.
I kind of gotta go study my lines, I think.
Study your lines?
Come on, you got, like, two days left
until the anniversary gift expires.
I got two days until I open on Broadway.
You know your lines.
You're gonna be great, it's gonna be wonderful.
Don't worry about it.
Now you need to go down and meet some gals.
Can't let this run out, my friend.
Alright, give me a half hour.
Alright, a half hour, I'll see you down there.
( Laughing )
Yeah.
Hey. Hello.
I'm being very witty.
Oh, are you? Yeah.
As is your wont.
As is my wont.
Larry David, I'm sorry, your name again?
Christina.
Hello. Hi.
How do you two know each other?
We are business associates.
Yes, yes, we're in business together.
What kind of business are you in together?
Grooming.
Pet grooming.
Really? Pet grooming?
Wow. Pet grooming.
Yeah, we have a truck, and well, we shampoo dogs.
We have a staff that does it.
We sit in the front of the truck.
Groom sometimes with scissors.
Uh-huh, nails, and things.
Horses, cats, any animal.
What do you really do, come on.
He is about to star in Broadway, on Broadway.
What, really? In the producers.
In the producers?
Max bialystock.
No.you're kidd.
Why are you making that face?
'Cause I have a tic, I'm going on stage with a tic.
You don't have a tic.
I didn't see the tic before.
Come on.
You know, it's could throw off the show.
Ask her what she does.
What do you do?
I'm a fellatio teacher.
Okay, now, let's be honest here...
If I hadn't made it up, would I have said,
tell her, ask what she does?
I know that you made it up.
How much money did he give you to say that?
No, I wouldn't have said...
No, it's absolutely true.
I'd let you find out on your own, okay?
Oh, sure, yeah.
I am a fellatio teacher.
Really? Mm-hmm.
That's what you do?
Yes.
I'm an expert. You have classes and...
I don't know how anybody could do that without a blindfold on.
Oh, well that's crazy.
I mean, it's a grotesque monster.
No, no, it is not grotesque, don't even say that.
No, it's beautiful, and it's sad
if somebody doesn't get to experience it, yeah.
Oh, dear god.
Alright.
A little mexicali.
Do you like spicy food?
I love spicy food.
I, I love spicy food.
I love spicy food.
Did you know...
That spicy food makes a man's cum taste delicious.
I did not know that.
It does.
I did not know that.
It's true.
Oh, Johnny, did not know that.
Delicious, oh, ho.
So, I started teaching classes, and...
Uh-huh. I wrote a book.
I started realizing that women were just so, sort of,
timid about the whole thing and I...
( Coughing ) you okay?
Just the way I like it.
Hmm.
What's your favorite part of getting a blowjob?
You've got some napkin on your head still.
( Clearing throat )
Are you drinking that water?
You know what, that's my water, that's my...
People are eating.
Yeah, it went down the wrong pipe.
How's the food?
Where do you live?
Live in the city, using that napkin?
I think I'm gonna go.
What?
Yeah, I just, I don't feel hungry anymore, and, um...
What, really?
I'm a little sick, actually.
Where are you going?
You'll never regret this, thank you, thank you.
( Loud chattering and music )
( Knocking )
That's all I'm talking about.
Uh, hey, what's up, what's going on?
How much longer do you think this is gonna go on?
Um, I, can't say... really.
You know we open in two days?
You should maybe get some sleep.
You want to be refreshed, right?
Yes.
Mm, dude, have you seen my watch?
I lost my watch I think at rehearsal.
It's a black tag, with three silver things,
like, three, uh, dials on it.
Is that Jennifer Aniston?
Seriously, have you seen it?
Huh? No.
I don't know what, I didn't see any watch, no.
Hey, you guys made it, come on in, hey, it's alright, go ahead.
There's Sushi on its way, alright?
( Male ) David, who are you talking to?
Nobody, okay, hold on, hold on.
Um, I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow, yeah?
Get some sleep, dude, seriously, you look a little...
( Laughing )
How's it coming?
Almost done, sir.
Yeah. Yea?
Freezing in here last night.
I could not turn down that air conditioning.
Yeah, sometimes, you know, they just,
you've gotta get in there and fix it,
and it'll work again, you know.
You're a pretty smart guy.
Well, thank you very much.
( Knocking ) I could never do that, I could study for the rest of my life,
every day, eight hours a day, I could never do that.
Yeah, for the rest of my life, I'm not even kidding.
Maybe, I don't know.
Ah.
Uh, good morning. Good morning.
Beautiful, beautiful.
There you go, sir, thank you.
53 dollars?
It's breakfast.
Yeah, I don't set the prices, sir.
Eggs, pancakes? Yeah.
Juice, coffee, 53 dollars?
Mm-hmm, it's a nice breakfast, yeah.
Tip is included.
Yeah, yeah, 18%, you just need to sign.
18%.
Do people generally give you more,
on the, uh, extra, the bonus tipping?
Yeah, sometimes.
Yeah. They d?
Well, I'll give you another two percent.
Well, thank you very much.
Alright?
Thank you very much.
Thanks, you have a nice day. Okay, you too.
Pardon me.
Hey, Andy.
How are you? Mr. Ethel Merman.
Look who's here. Look at you.
Wow.
I called you, are you happy?
You called, here I am.
Are you coming tomorrow night?
Yeah, of course I'm coming.
Okay, I got one ticket for you.
Okay, how ya gonna get it to me?
I'll leave it at will call.
Oh, no, oh, it's packed there.
Especially opening night.
Uh, okay, fine, fine, fine.
I'll go there, okay, I'll get there early, I'll be fine.
So, how is play practice, how's it going?
Rehearsal, rehearsal, yeah.
I called it play practice.
When I was doing pippin,
we stayed after school for play practice.
But how is it?
I don't see you doing it at all, but you'll be great.
You'll be wonderful.
Yeah, thanks.
I didn't know you sang, and you dance.
I really don't, you know...
I don't know, Mel Brooks liked me, and...
Really?
Oh, my gosh, you're a star.
You're gonna be a star.
Oh, stop it. No, so what are you doing?
You wanna take a ride out to Westchester,
maybe go look at some open houses?
You're buying a house?
No, no, no.
Open houses, you just go, you visit, you know?
You just go in, you tour around.
You say, oh, you know, pretend you're buying, but you don't.
Just go drive around to homes?
If you're not buying them, what's the point?
Just to look at the homes?
Yes, oh, it's beautiful, you look all around.
Uh, you know what?
I can't do it, anyway, I gotta study my lines.
I don't, I can't do it.
Okay.
Alright, sir, we're all done.
Alright. Yeah.
Excellent job, thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, no problem, okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Goodbye.
B'bye.
Was I supposed to tip that guy?
The guy fixing that?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Not a lot, but you gotta tip him.
Why do I have to tip him?
I mean, he's just a, he came in and fixed something.
That's right, he performed a service, and you tip him for a service.
( Knocking ) of course you do.
This whole tipping thing is just, it's so confusing.
Good morning, Mr. David.
Is this a good time to clean up?
Oh, okay, come on in.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Did you find that watch on your cart, by any chance?
Yes.
Yeah. Re?
I know whose watch that is.
Schwimmer.
Hey, I hope you get this message.
I found your watch.
You can thank me at the meeting.
Alright, goodbye.
Hey.
Remember me, from yesterday?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Everything okay, it's all straightened out?
Straightened out what?
I gave the other doorman,
the heavy set guy with the glasses...
Yeah, I know...
I gave him 20 dollars, I told him to give you 10.
And you, you didn't get the 10 dollars?
No.
What?
How you doing? How you doing?
Take care.
He didn't give you any money?
No, not a dime.
You sure he didn't give you anything?
Yeah, I'm sure.
In other words, he's got the 10 dollars now,
and he chose not to give it to you.
Is that what you're saying?
No, that's what you're saying.
I'm saying, I didn't get 10 dollars from him.
Hmm.
Okay.
Alright.
Fine.
Here you go.
Thank you, thank you very much.
You're welcome. This means a lot.
I tell you, Sanjay over there was a little upset this morning.
You didn't... You didn't take care of him.
Take care of him? He's a repair man.
Well, yeah, but, you know,
he helped you out, and you didn't...
He helped me out? He works for the hotel.
My air conditioning wasn't working.
I didn't have a good night's sleep.
What am I supposed to do?
Just, maybe want a little something.
Can you have any kind of conversation with you people
without it ending up with a financial exchange.
Well, yes, but, you know, like I said...
Oh, alright.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Hello, sir.
Yeah, I was talking to Tim over there.
He says you're a little upset this morning that you didn't
get some kind of, uh, gratuity.
Uh, a little perturbed, yeah, a little, yeah.
Really? Yeah, sure, yeah.
That's your job, sanji.
Yeah, but, uh, yes, it's, you know, it's just like,
hey, I appreciate this.
You know, common courtesy sometime.
It's just, hey, thank you.
Common courtesy, really?
You know, you put in the time, you know,
you fix the air for you.
Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do for you, okay?
You know the show, the producers?
Sure, yeah, yeah, big, big show.
Okay, I'm in the show.
I'm gonna get some tickets today,
and I'll give you a ticket, how about that?
Yeah, I'll take a ticket.
So, we're square, right?
Yeah, we are, that's good Karma for you.
Alright, sanji.
Hey, that's good, Sanjay.
Sanjay. Thank you.
Excuse me, hey, could I ask you a favor?
Would you please take our photograph?
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm not really very good at this stuff.
It's no big deal, it's just a point-and-click.
Alright.
But you gotta turn it around.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
But, uh, do it horizontally.
Okay, you know what?
It actually works a lot better like this
'cause I get all the background.
I see the buildings, I see the signs.
Okay, but just take it horizontally
and if I want it vertical, I'll Photoshop it,
and this way I have the option.
So, just, just do it horizontally.
Alright, I mean, if you saw what I see you would definitely...
I got it up here, just take it horizontally.
Well, honey, maybe he's right, you get the whole city feel.
Yes, I see the whole background.
Don't do this, okay?
John, I was just...
You are constantly undermining every decision
I've made on this trip!
Sir, you know what?
There's not a single thing I can do to please you
since you got off the goddamn airplane!
Why don't you guys work this out, okay, seriously.
Oh, so no photo?
So, you're out, that's it?
Yeah, I'm out, I'm out, okay?
Thanks, thanks.
Is that you, he's... That's the actor in the show.
We just picked up our tickets.
We're seeing, you, the show, tomorrow night.
Oh, you're in the show tomorrow night?
Great, oh, I can't wait.
Because you will fail.
Where's Max bialystock?
He'll be here, he'll be here.
Hello.
Hello, Larry.
Larry David and you are dangerously near me.
Larry David, I'm so glad you're here.
Hey, norm.
Hey, Larry, how you doing today?
Susan stroman the best director,
I don't know, you are so lucky you got her.
Look, I got the lenses put in my Max glasses, check it out.
Great.
Oh, it's great, oh I like it.
Oh yeah, I like it, absolutely.
Huh?
My father wears these.
I got your message, by the way, thank you so much.
You're welcome.
My watch, he found my watch.
Fantastic.
I lost it yesterday sometime, but anyway thank you so much.
Oh, do you have it now?
That's fantastic.
I know, all during rehearsal he was going like this,
where's my watch, where's my watch?
Did you leave it at the hotel?
What the hell is going on here?
Are you kidding or you really found it?
No, I found it, and I, and I had it in my pocket.
This is, did you look, uh, maybe...
You remember putting it in your pocket?
I put it in this jacket pocket.
That jacket.
What, you lost the watch?
Oh gee, I guess I lost the watch, uh, I'm sorry.
You lost...
So maybe it's in the cab.
It could drop out of the pocket.
Well, if that happened then...
Did you take your jacket off in the cab?
No.
Well, I'm just trying to comprehend this, you,
you lost my watch that you had less than an hour ago
in your hands, correct?
Yeah, sorry.
Well, you owe me a watch.
What, are you nuts?
You didn't even have a watch to begin with,
so you're in the same position you were, there's no change.
Uh, it's a little different, you had my watch,
you had possession of my watch and now you don't.
Lost watch.
The watch was lost?
So it continues to be lost.
What can I say, I'm, I'm...
You can say, you can say I'm sorry
and I'll buy you a new watch.
Buy you a new watch?!
Yeah.
It was a lost watch, you didn't have the watch, right?
Absolutely, no.
He found the watch, so he had the watch.
He found the watch and...
The watch was there, he had it.
David lost the watch.
David lost the watch, who found the watch?
Why is David this upset now?
He's upset, he's so emotional.
Or because it's not your watch.
He did not intentionally lose it.
'Cause he lost it first...
Possession is 9/10ths...
If the watch had never been lost...
Hey, hey, alright, alright, alright, alright,
we must go on here, we have a show to do.
Max and Leo have got to get along,
the whole point of the show is that
Max and Leo love each other,
that's the success of this musical is that journey,
that you not only become successful producers,
you become wonderful friends.
Now, we can't let what has happened here
come into this show.
( David ) you don't have to worry about me.
Alright?
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just arranging some...
It looks like you're building a sand castle on the table.
Well, let's start to read.
Now, uh fellas, the one thing I wanted to talk about was
that opening scene.
Oh, you know what?
I just gotta wash my hands, I'll be right back.
I don't know, we need to get started.
Have you noticed?
Let me say one thing.
Have you noticed him doing stuff like this?
I have noticed and he's washing his hands more and more.
Some people get nervous they wash their hands.
It's a quirk, you know, people have quirks.
Okay.
Alright, so now about that first scene, the thing is,
you have to drive that scene forward.
Larry? Yeah.
Yes, so you've got to pick up the cues.
Alright, why don't we go to page nine in the script,
see if we can get started here.
You know, it's not like I lost it on purpose, did I?
I know, he's, like, a little crazy or something.
Did I take his watch and throw it in the river or something?
Well, I mean, of course, I wanted to keep the watch
I was excited I got it for him.
I know, I didn't understand that.
That's so crazy. So crazy, so crazy.
Larry.
Oh!
* opening night, it's opening night *
I don't know what I was thinking but I can't do this bit, Nathan,
I'm crazy, and I can't, well, why did I say?!
Stop it, just stop it, I said stop it!
Now stand up!
Take this and go out there.
You can do it!
Don't even look back!
Hey.
You wanna go over there?
What, to the theater?
Yeah.
Are you crazy, it's, we've got like, an hour and a half.
Ah, I thought I'd get there a little earlier.
No, I'm gonna do some stretching and...
Alright.
You do any kind of warm-up, or...?
Warm-up?
Like what, what do you mean?
Like stretching, uh...?
Stretching?
Never mind.
Hey, what about, um...
How do you feel about reimbursing me for the watch?
It seems to me your watch was missing.
I mean, we've gone over this, but...
If I didn't find your watch in the first place,
then it's not mine to lose.
Who had it last?
You're in the same position now as when I started.
So why am I getting blamed for it?
I, I just don't know, I mean, you had it.
You lost your watch.
Let's not get into it, we have a show to do, okay?
And by the way.
Yeah?
You did tell the stewardess
that my seat wasn't in the upright position, right?
Okay, I'll see you, okay?
Larry David.
I.
I'm a nervous wreck.
Oh no, this'll be exciting, you're gonna be great.
I'm gonna destroy your entire show, don't you understand?
Oh please, no, you're doing a great job, they're gonna love you.
You're gonna get out there and have, oh, they're just gonna...
Why are they gonna love me and people dislike me intensely?
You'll do great, oh.
The audience is not gonna love me.
Yes, they are gonna love you.
Mel never would've let you do the show.
What are you doing here so early?
Oh, I have to get here early every, ugh, single night,
I do have rituals.
Oh, you got some ocdc's, oh, really?
Yeah, lots of them.
What do you got?
Oh god, pacing, then I had petal counting...
Yeah, I think I'm gonna bang my head against the wall,
maybe 50 times.
You don't wanna do that, Larry.
No, I do, I'm gonna bang it against the wall,
'cause my mother used to say that to me when I was growing up,
you know, go bang your head against the wall.
And I took it literally and I did,
I used to bang it against the wall.
I think that's why I got this condition in the first place,
cause I listened to my mother.
Thank you, by the way, that was so sweet of you
with the guy with the handbag, that was dangerous.
That was really dangerous.
I didn't think so.
Oh.
Honestly.
No, you're so sweet.
You know, I didn't even think twice about it.
Honest to god.
The right thing to do.
Well, thanks.
That doesn't happen much.
If I didn't go into show business, I was...
I was gonna become a fireman.
Hmm.
Alright.
I've been thinking about that 10th anniversary present of yours.
You wanna come in?
Sure.
Close the door.
Mmm...
What is that?
What? Who is that?
Who is that?
What?
Is that bush?
Yeah.
Hmm.
You've got a picture of bush in your dressing room?
Yeah.
Hmm.
You're a republican?
Yes, Larry, I'm a republican.
Ugh.
What the fuck were you thinking?
A picture of bush, who gives a flying fuck?
I'd fuck her with a bush mask on.
You think these glasses are okay?
Did I, I think I made a mistake,
I look like I'm about 85 years old in this costume,
I swear to god, look at me.
( Phone ringing ) no, you look great.
Who's this?
Hello?
Andy, they're at the will call window!
What are you talking?
Of course I left them there.
Are you, are you crazy, I can't go out,
I've got my costume on, I'm not gonna go out there.
Quiet down, alright.
I'll be there in a minute.
Stupid cousin Andy, you know, the ticket,
they don't have it at the will call window.
Shit, do me a favor and help me with this, will you?
How did you get this on?
I can't even figure it out.
I know.
Let me go down, I'll go down.
Ah, I can't, I gotta take care of this.
They don't have them.
Huh?
They don't have my tickets, I asked.
Shh, quiet down.
Why didn't you give them to me at the hotel?
Did you mention my name?
Now, how would I know to ask your name?
You said they'd be under my name.
Well, honest to god, this...
Excuse me, I'm sorry, excuse me.
Hey, hey, hey, there's a line here.
No, no, I just, I just need one ticket.
Yeah, I know, but there's a line here.
Go to the back of the line.
No, no, I'm in the show, I'm bialystock.
I don't care who you are, go to the back of the line.
Thank you. That is so rude.
Alright, here.
Thank you, thank you very much, okay, I'll see you after, okay?
We'll go for coffee.
Hey.
Hey, thank you for the ticket.
Oh, you're very welcome.
Yeah, very good, it has your name on it even,
Larry David, that's you.
Huh?
Oh yeah, almost showtime, huh?
Where did you get that watch?
Oh, I, I, I found it.
Yeah, in the hotel, right?
Yeah, yeah, I found it in the hotel.
Yeah, okay, I'm, I'm sorry to tell you this,
but that's David Schwimmer's watch.
No, no, I found it, it's my watch.
Yeah, no, I know you found it,
you found it in the hotel, right?
Yes, yes.
Yeah, okay, it belongs to David Schwimmer.
No, no, finders keepers.
Finders keepers, no, no, not finders keepers,
that's not right. Because I found it.
No, I know you did, but it's not your watch.
It's finders keepers, it's so my watch now.
Okay, okay fine.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Hey.hey.
What are you doing in the lobby
20 minutes before the show fighting with a sikh?
It's too long a story, I gotta get out of here,
I can't talk now, I'm so sorry, I gotta...
No, okay, okay, happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary, happy anniversary.
And how did it go?
How did the, uh, anniversary gift go, did you cash in?
Oh. Alas, I did not, no.
It didn't happen?
No, but I'll still have an hour after the show ends.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Oh no, no, you still have an hour, okay,
you should get going.
Good luck.
I gotta go.
Hey.hey.
What are you, are you kidding?
Huh?
Look a little familiar.
Where did you, how, what happened?
One of the maintenance guys from the hotel had it on.
Out in the lobby.
I had to wrestle him for it.
Ugh, well, thank you, thank you.
I'm sorry about, uh, I mean,
maybe I went a little, uh...
Well, I went too, I'm sorry too.
Well, uh, hey, break a leg.
You too, man.
Hey, let me ask you something.
All water under the bridge right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just for my own edification,
what did you say to that stewardess?
Just, did you tell her about the seat not being upright?
What?
You're really something.
Oh no!
No, no, I...
S-t-u-n-n-e-d.
Stunned!
You guys are terrific, you look great.
Oh.
You look like the bialystock and you look like Bloom.
What's your first line?
Uh, the reviews come out a lot faster when,
when the critics leave at intermission.
Perfect.
And your first, is when he comes in and then he scares you,
yeah, and I say, scared, can't talk.
Perfect, this is gonna be fabulous, break legs,
thank you, thank you for everything, Mel,
thank you so much.
O-v-e-r-t-u-r-e, here it?
Overture.
Okay, good luck, don't break anything.
* opening night, it's opening night *
* it's Max bialystocks' latest show *
* will it flop or will it go *
* the cast is taking its final bow *
* here comes the audience now *
* the doors are open
* they're on their way
* let's hear what they have to say *
* he's done it again, he's done it again *
* Max bialystock has done it again *
* we can't believe it
* you can't conceive it
* how'd he achieve it
* it's the worst show in town *
* we sat there sighing
* groaning and crying
* there's no denying
* it's the worst show in town *
* oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss *
* we've seen shit, but never like this *
* Max bialystock has done it again *
* the songs were rotten
* the book was stinking
* what he did to Shakespeare *
* booth did to Lincoln
we had these specially made up for Max bialystock.
* we couldn't leave faster *
* what a disaster
* we are still in shock *
* who produced this schlock *
* that slimy sleezy Max bialystock *
* what a bum
( applause )
The reviews come out a lot faster
when the critics leave at intermission.
By the end of funny boy,
Max bialystock's hopeless new musical of Hamlet,
everybody is dead.
They were the lucky ones.
And this is the best review we got.
( Audience laughing )
* I used to be the king *
* the king
* the king of old Broadway *
it's good to be the king.
* my praises they would sing *
* a Ziegfeld so they'd say
* my shows were always filled with class *
* the best champagne would fill my glass *
* my lap was filled with gorgeous ass *
* you couldn't call me crass in anyway *
* we believe you, thousands wouldn't *
* we believe you, every word *
* we believe you, thousand couldn't *
* we believe each wd we hear *
such reviews.
How dare they insult me in this manner?
How quickly they forget I am Max bialystock,
the first producer ever to do summer stock in the winter.
* once he was a king
you've all heard of theater in the round?
You're looking at the man who invented theater in the square.
Nobody had a good seat.
* king of ol' Broadway
I spent my entire life in the theater.
I was a protege of the great Boris tomacheusky.
( Gasping )
Yes, he taught me everything I know.
I'll never forget.
He turned to me on his deathbed and said,
maxella...
( Foreign language )
What does that mean?
I don't know, I don't speak yiddish.
Strangely enough, neither did he.
In my heart I knew what he was saying,
he was saying when you're down and out
and everybody thinks you're finished,
that's the time to stand on your two feet and shout,
who do you gotta fuck to get a break in this town?
* fame is in my sights again *
* I take those fancy flights again *
* I'm gonna scale the heights again *
* bialystock will never drop *
* bialystock will never stop *
* bialystock will be on top again *
* he'll be on top again *
* hey
( applause )
Hello?
( Applause )
Anybody here?
Mr. bialystock.
Ah!
Who are you?
What do you want?
What are you doing here?
Speak to me, dummy, speak.
Why don't you speak?
Scared, can't talk.
Alright, calm down.
Relax, get a hold of yourself.
Take a deep breath.
( Inhaling ) ahh...
Who are you?
I'm Leopold Bloom, I'm an accountant.
I'm from Whitehall and Marx.
I've come here to do your books.
Oh, you have, have you?
Now, let's see.
If we add these deductions, we get, uh, oh.
It's absolutely amazing.
But under the right circumstances a producer
could make more money with a flop
than he could with a hit.
Yes, it's quite possible.
If he were certain that the show would fail,
a man could make a fortune.
Yes?
Yes, what?
What you were saying.
Keep talking.
What was I saying?
You were saying that under the right circumstances,
you were saying, that under the right circumstances...
What was I saying?
That under the right circumstances...
Under the right circumstances...
What?
That's the question.
What?
Boy, you got a nice, healthy head of hair there,
you know that? Look at that.
It's like a pelt.
Uh, I didn't really get the good shave today, you know.
I don't know why, I'm an excellent shaver.
Feel this cheek, Bloom, feel my cheek.
It's like a tush, is that not a tush?
I got a tushy cheek.
Boy oh boy.
Please, Mr. bialystock, um, I've discovered that a man
could make more money with a flop than he could with a hit.
Does, does that bring any scheme to mind?
Yeah, you ever play this game?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You don't come to theater with a hat.
It's not a hat, it's a turban.
You don't wear a hat to the theater.
It's not a, it's not a hat.
Take your hat off.
I won't take my turban off.
I can't see what I'm seeing.
He gave me the tickets.
Only to calm down and try to watch.
No, no, fine.
I watch, you don't.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is my cousin, Andy.
It may come as no surprise to you to learn that
he is the product of incest.
Of course, among friends and relatives,
Andy is known by his affectionate nickname,
the primary reason for anti-semitism.
Unfortunately, I know from experience
the only way we're going to get him to calm down
is to put a Swanson frozen dinner on his lap.
Wait, let's go back.
Yeah, let's go. This is funny.
I know he's quite partial to the Salisbury steak.
You know, there might be, uh, an upside to this whole experience
because, uh, if any of you are looking for an apartment
in New York, and I know they are very hard to find,
Andy is subletting his mouth.
There's a lot of room in there.
A lot of room.
I know there was a Taliban living in there, uh,
but he left and, uh, he's now renting some space
under the sikh's turban.
But the turban, it has all kinds of practical applications.
It's a tourniquet, it makes a lovely sash,
say you want to have an impromptu game of
pin the tail on the donkey, you've got a blindfold.
Alright, what was I saying?
What was I saying?
You were saying that under the right circumstances,
a producer could make more with a flop than he could with a hit.
It's quite possible.
Yes, you keep saying that, but you don't say how.
Well, it's simply a matter of creative accounting.
Let's assume for a moment that you are a dishonest man.
Assume away.
Did you see the look on their faces,
when Larry David forget every line he had?
He went up, up in smoke.
God, I'm so glad, I'm so thankful,
thank god that this damn play is going to be over.
We're gonna get our lives back.
He has freed us from the anchor,
from the albatross of the producers,
which has invaded our lives every single minute,
every hour of every day.
Trapping us...
No more openings in Cleveland.
No more sleeping in dirty beds in Pittsburgh.
We're free, free at last.
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
How did you know that he could ruin the show?
How?
The minute I laid eyes on him, I said, this guy's a disaster.
He's a living disaster, he's a storm.
He's like a storm that will destroy everything in its path.
I mean, he's got this gift.
Everything he touches he dooms.
He's a little cyclone, a little tornado,
destroying the St. James theater.
I know.
Any minute now, the show will be dead.
Here, a toast to the death of the producers.
May it rest in peace.
Innkeeper, innkeeper, another round of drinks here.
As a matter of fact,
another round of drinks for everybody in the place.
Here's to failure.
Oh, thank you.
That's very kind of you.
( Laughing )
Partners, Leo.
All the way,
and nothing or no one will ever come between us.
Nothing or no one, Max.
( Knocking )
( Together ) come in.
Bialystock and Bloom.
( Foreign language )
What?
Excuse me, aybane svenska...
Swedish.
Casting... today?
Costing?
Cost?
Oh, casting.
Uh, no, I'm, I'm sorry, uh, miss.
There's no casting today.
Uh, actually, there very well could be casting today.
Come in, come in.
Aagh fuck!
* honeymoon, honeymoon, honeymoon *
* keep a shining in June
* keep a shining in June *
* our silvery beams will make love dreams *
* we'll be cuddling soon *
* by the silvery moon
( laughing )
It's intermission, quick, hide your faces.
They'll tear us to pieces.
( Laughing )
I'll have a Manhattan.
Two whiskey sours.
So far this is about the funniest thing
I've seen on Broadway.
I've never laughed so hard in my life.
Absolutely hysterical.
I thought I'd split my sides.
Honey, don't panic.
There are a lot of shows on this street.
They may not necessarily be talking about Larry David
and the producers.
Who would have guessed Larry David would be so hysterical.
Let's get back.
If he's as brilliant in the second act
as he is in the first,
the show's gonna run for another five years.
Got to think.
No way out.
Honey...
No way out. Listen...
Now way out, no way out.
This is a small portion of the audience.
Let's go back and see what the majority has to say.
Yes. Majority?
Come on.Let.
Let's hear it for the majority.
Sure, majority, majority.
Yes, we'll hear from the majority.
( Laughing )
This is the majority?
This is the majority.
* Leo and Max, up off our backs *
* back on the great white way *
* Leo and Max, back on the tracks *
* we're back on top to stay *
* so when we take your money never fear *
* we'll knock Broadway right on its ear *
* the cast is great, the script is swell *
* but this we're telling you, sirs *
* the show's no go, you've got no show without the producers *
* we'll never quit
* hit after hit
* you and me-o, we guarantee-o *
* you're looking at Leo and Max *
* the producers, Leo and Max *
( applause and cheering )
Captions copyright 2004 home box office, inc.
Captioned by hbo communications center