Come! Come-come-come come-come! Food!
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass.
[growls, bleep]
[laughter]
♪♪
Come wash my back!
What are we doing?
Can I jump in with you guys?
♪♪
Come on, bitch.
[woman] He just touched it.
I got him. I got him.
Yeah, I'm a real bonehead when it comes to these things.
What's up with that?
Take it easy, my friend.
-No, I-- -No, no, listen, listen,
take it easy. -What?
Yeah, I'm trying to find a guitar that Steve Vai plays.
♪♪
-I can't have it that loud. -Oh, I'm sorry, mate.
[laughter] Ow.
-Get it pumping. -Yeah, exactly.
All right, I'll bust this out.
Oh, this is hard.
Pull that back.
Get it up.
Where do you get sodas around--
-Oh, gee. -No problem.
Do you have this shoe in 11?
Yeah.
I can almost pull these off with shorts, huh?
You can do it.
[shouting]
You always walk around with your [bleep] standing up?
Uh, dude, I'm sorry.
Yo, what the [bleep]!
[bleep] that one hurt!
I'm gonna grab me some food...
...for the team.
Two medium Cokes, small fries and...
-Yes. -Go, go, go.
Is there ketchup in there?
[whistle blowing]
[marching band music plays]
[symphonic music plays]
♪♪
Well, I'm Johnny Knoxville, United States of America.
And I'll be doing a little article
on self-defense equipment.
I going to, uh...
start off by spraying myself with
red pepper spray.
It's the, uh, highest concentration you can get.
Followed by, uh, 120,000 volt,
uh, stun gun.
And then I'll be getting shot with a, uh...
taser gun, 50,000 volts for roughly around 30 seconds.
This right here is where the hooks come out.
I guess.
This is not good stuff.
Hit me!
[coughs]
Aw!
Mmm!
[grunts]
Oh my God.
[bleep] help.
Aw, I feel like my eyes have gonorrhea.
Oh, ahh!
I will put anything in my eyes, man.
-You want the water? -No.
Spray you down? Dive in the pool.
Puh!
Would that stop an assailant?
That would stop a [bleep] freight train.
[buzzing]
Charge!
Ahh! Oh! [bleep]
[sighs]
Really no marks left where you got me.
-Do you wanna do that one again? -No.
Weren't you on 9021-- Not too long!
Ahh! Ahh! Ohh! [bleep]
Hell! Ahh!
Ah! No, wait!
Ah! Ah! [bleep]
No Jase. Ow!
Jason, put it down, keep your [bleep]...
-Here, do it to yourself. -No, ow! [bleep]
The one hurt. The one's been...
That was worse than the stun gun.
[exhales]
[groans]
-So what was more effective? -The pepper spray's
the worst by far. Like, the stun gun
you'd get up again in a few seconds.
But it knocked you down.
And the taser gun, yeah, that sucked.
You guys wanna go watch it on the TV?
♪♪
[man laughing]
♪♪
-Excuse me, sir? -Yes.
Um, I need to know where a hardware store is.
I'm trying to score some rope.
How about the 5 South?
Yeah, I'm going to the Angeles National Forest.
[screaming/pounding]
-[screaming] -Whoo.
[man screaming]
[woman] Oh my God!
[screaming continues]
[man shouts]
[tires screech]
Jesus loves you.
[laughing]
Hey, buddy, you doing all right back there?
♪♪
-Can I help you? -I need a hardware store.
Do you know where a hardware store is?
Down there to the right.
Do you have any industrial strength adhesives?
-Someone is in here. -Yeah, I think
my car is rattling. -Somebody's in the trunk.
Someone is in here.
-[man screaming] -Ahh!
What is going on here? What is this?
[screaming continues, tires screech]
♪♪
Later, dude.
Your sexiness just scares people.
From my, um, experiments with sexiness,
seems like you're afraid at first and fear usually
equals violence, but eventually I'll win their hearts,
and instead of fighting, they'll wanna make love to me.
-Even the men? -Yup.
You getting hot back there, buddy?
Excuse me, sir, I have a full-grown semi-nude man
bound with duct tape in my trunk and...
-What? -I was trying to get out
to the desert to bury him. How do I get to 5 South?
Hold on.
[woman exclaims]
♪♪
[screaming throughout]
♪♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough ♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you'’re hard enough ♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough ♪
♪♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough ♪
I want you to punch me in the face once second
prior to takeoff so it softens the blow.
♪♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough ♪
[bleep]
♪♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough ♪
♪♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough ♪
♪♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough ♪
♪♪
♪ Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough ♪
♪♪
I'm Jackassand you're watching Raab himself.
♪♪
[bike bell rings]
♪♪
-Are you all right? -It's okay, it's okay.
[baby crying]
Is that baby all right?
Someone needs to take out the kid on that bike...
♪♪
[people exclaim]
He's okay, he's okay.
It's all right.
[baby crying]
[bike bell rings]
You're gonna have to leave my drive-thru now.
[horn honks]
♪♪
Ohh!
♪♪
[horn honks]
♪ Did you say you heard a rumor ♪
♪♪
♪ And if you did I'll let you know ♪
♪ You won't need, you won't need no ruler ♪
♪ When you give this doggie his bone ♪
♪ See Mama told me to be humble ♪
♪ Daddy told me not to lie ♪
♪ Yeah I'm a big boy ♪
♪♪
♪I'm a big boy ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm a big boy ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm a big boy ♪
♪♪
♪ I might take a little getting used to ♪
♪♪
♪ But don't worry we got a life... ♪
[line ringing]
Good morning, doctor's office.
Good morning, this is Johnny Knoxville calling.
-Yes. -I'm doing, uh,
a stunt tomorrow where I get put
in a porta-potty and dumped upside down.
And it's gonna be full of poo and whatnot.
And I need to know what pertinent shots
I need to receive before this stunt goes down.
I know it's an odd question.
[woman laughing] That's great!
Now what is that exactly?
-Pitbull. -How many pitbulls do you have?
-Two. -Whoo!
Last kernel out.
What character as you?
In Greg Pooganis.
March [bleep].
Do these feel really tight on my eyes?
Do they look really tight on my eyes?
I mean, do they make my eyes look funny?
My name is Johnny Knoxville, and this is the poo cocktail.
Ahh!
Gross.
Oh, ooh.
Ahh!
Oh, dude, dude, dude, dude!
Ahh!
[laughing]
Ahh! Ahh!
Get 'em off first.
Come wash my back! Wash my back!
[laughing]
[buzzing]
Oh.
[insects buzzing]
Well, how do you think it went?
It was disgusting. It was horrible.
Three of 'em went slowly down my back.
I was awash in a sea of poo.
Oh! Oh!
My name is Johnny Knoxville, and today
I'm gonna jump the L.A. River.
-Can I have your autograph? -Anyone have a pencil or a pen?
[bleep]
-No. -How about a crayon?
-You look great today. -Oh, yeah?
Take this paper with you. If you find a pen,
put your autograph on it for me, would you?
I think this guy is a little attracted to me.
[laughing] A little?!
-Thank you very much. -Okay, ready, one, two, three.
-Welcome to Jackass. -Welcome to Jackass.
♪♪
That sucks.