Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass.
Come wash my back!
We're here in Nipomo, California
at the Gary Leffew Bull Riding School,
where we're about to have a whole lot of fun
with a bull named Mr. Mean.
Just how mean is Mr. Mean?
He's the meanest thing I've ever seen.
I seen a guy get on him one day.
And he flung the bullfighter at least 15 feet in the air.
He's a mean son of a bitch.
.
How many men has he hurt?
Quite a few. He's banged up quite a few.
Have you seen anyone get injured by Mr. Mean?
Oh, yeah. Me included.
-Mr. Mean is a big bucking bull.
How much would Mr. Mean weigh?
About 1,800 pounds.
What are my chances today in riding Mr. Mean?
-Slim and none. -Slim and none.
Slim and none.
I don't think you have a chance in hell.
-I think that, too.
Now that is a lot of bull.
What are any final words for me before I get on Mr. Mean?
If you don't hit the ground running,
you're not gonna have a chance on it.
Pay your insurance?
-Good luck. -All right.
You look good, man. You look good.
.
Get him up here. Get him up.
Get him up, come on.
-That was cool, man.
How did it look?
Scary as all hell.
It was scary as all hell.
So he was trying to hook me in the shoot,
and I was getting really worried.
Hey... there's a catch pin out there.
How long did I stay on him?
For about two, three seconds.
...
We have to live in this town.
We have to live here.
Today we will joust!
Sir Bamelot has committed treason.
He has entered my land
like he has entered my ass,
and this is not permitted.
I was just hanging out back there
eating a meat pie.
Next thing you know,
some guy's freaking out about nothing.
And what else is not permitted today
is what he's attempted to do with my midwife--
commit a hideous act of Sussex.
You're thinking of somebody else, buddy.
Wasn't me.
And today, good sirs,
I will stick my lance far beyond
where the light of our world shines,
deep into the colon of the enemy.
Sir Bamelot, you will feel a lot of my lance in your ass.
So prepare, good sir,
for this is your last encounter with Sir Brandon of Lancaster.
.
The price for treason is high
and it's paid today.
What we're wanting to do with him,
we're wanting to like shave it on the sides,
but not-- but not to the skin,
but just leave about that much hair.
And on the top, we want to cut it about that long
and leave all this in the back,
leave all the length.
If that's all right.
Your standard mullet.
Yeah, your basic mullet haircut.
Since we're kinda new in town,
we're looking for like a good country-western bar.
Do you know one around here?
-I don't know. -No?
It's a very popular haircut right now.
I want to get on the bandwagon.
You're looking good.
-damn. -You look magnificent.
damn.
Wow.
There's the little rabbit looking in it.
You're taking one for the team, you know.
Don't make me laugh.
It's gonna mess up.
-Shave his eyebrows, too. -No.
How's it look, John?
Does it look cool?
I think you could win a Billy Ray Cyrus look-alike contest.
How's the length look back there?
Looks great now.
You couldn't look any more handsome.
-Thanks a lot, man. -Thank you very much.
Which would you prefer?
Is there meat in the second one?
Hm, no, there isn't meat in the second one,
but the first one is totally made of meat.
Ooh, thank you for your time.
.
Oh!
Isn't that weird?
That was way weird.
-Ah.
Oh, yeah, this is gonna work.
We're gonna go feed some pigeons and ducks.
-Really? -Yeah.
Can I join them?
-Oh! -Hey!
-Look out. -There you go.
We have a bird-watching organization.
-Oh, really? -Yeah, it's called BITCH,
Birds in the City of Hollywood.
-Watch your private parts. -Yes, ma'am, we will try.
I will mind them.
Here, birdy, birdy.
Did I lead 'em over towards the geese?
Birdy, birdy, birdy.
Are-- are they eating any stuff off of me?
Jeez, this was worse than the squid suit.
Yo, I have the perfect idea for a skit.
-What? -You sitting here
and then...
Hello, I am Pontius the Barbarian.
And today we are at this Renaissance fair
to do some dragon slaying.
Hey, wenches.
Ouch.
-They're royalty. -Oh-ho.
It's not a problem.
Out of my way, old man.
Sir, I am a knight of this realm and in peril.
You should insult a friend of mine by calling him an old man,
you shall speak unto me and I shall speak harshly to you.
And my words shall carry more weight that your armor.
-Could I trouble you for a-- -Do not insult yourself
with your lack of intelligence and your ignorance.
Could I trouble you for a kiss, sir?
Mmm...
Hey, can I try some of those grapes?
Those aren't real.
Can I have some of that jerky?
Hear ye, hear ye!
I'd like to give a demonstration on how you kill a dragon.
First thing you gotta remember is the mouth.
These guys can breathe fire.
So stay away from it.
I'm rooting for the dragon!
There he is!
Kill him with your bow!
Get the baby dragon! Get him, come on!
Slay the baby dragon!
Slay the dragon!
He's dead.
Bring out your dead!
My God. What the hell?
Let's go in the sporting goods store
and play a little basketball.
Game on. Jump ball.
Ready?
-Oh.
-Foul! Foul! -That's a penalty.
All right, that's enough.
I don't want you in here.
Either get out of here or I'm gonna do something
with that whistle you're not gonna appreciate.
So please leave the store.
-This is-- -I want you out of the store.
Now.
We got a serious game of one-and-one.
Get out of here.
Get out of here now. I'm serious.
Get out.
-The ball, ball. -Out.
We got no ball.
-All right, that's game.
Good game. Thank you.
-Is there any water here? -Now, go.
Hey, where's next? Good game.
It's a vicious man-eating snake.
Kosick just asked if it was poisonous.
There's three.
And we're gonna jump off the side.
Get the away from me!
you guys.
Today we're going after the Great White tiger shark.
It's one of the most fiercest sharks in the ocean.
-Hi. -Hi.
Wait, you cannot come in like that. Go.
-What? -You cannot--
Go put on pants. Go!
What? Can I just get some water?
-No, you can't. -Please?
I'm super thirsty. It's super hot outside.
No, no, you can't. Go put pants on.
I just-- the water's right here.
I don't care. Go out!
Excuse you.
Go out!
-I have to leave? -Yes.
-No water? -Put pants on.
-Excuse me, go out. -Okay, okay.
Shame on you. Go out, out.
Okay, I'm sorry. No water, please?
-No water. -Please!
Put pants on, then coming in.
You gotta wear pants.
She's freaking out. I don't know.
I can't believe that!
Yah! Yah!
My $500 sword is broken.
Today we're going out to face the man-eating sharks.
We want to show them that we're not gonna hurt them.
They'll be our friends and let us give them a hug.
I'll be honest with you, there is a certain
amount of element of danger here.
These are wild animals. They are sharks. They do bite.
And they have bitten people before.
The main thing you've gotta watch out for
is your hand movement.
Don't pull on his tail or anything like that.
So keep your hands pretty much in close or around.
Keep it away from the mouth.
Have you ever been bitten?
Never by a shark.
Steve-O, that's probably the most unattractive thing
I've ever seen in my life.
You look like you have Jimmie Durante's nose
-in your pants.
Today we're going after the Great White tiger shark.
It's one of the most fiercest sharks in the ocean.
I'm making a little chum soup here for him.
Let's start with the appetizer.
Open your eyes.
We're gonna try to give them a hug
and love pats whenever we can.
You look like a bi-curious superhero in that mask.
I got mad humping footage, dude.
I was getting some loving down there.
-Is it gonna ruin your suit? -No, it won't-- .
Happy birthday, Jess.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville
and we're at the Sunset Ranch in Hollywood.
We have over one ton of horse poo gathered
in a ring about ten-by-ten feet.
I'm about to draw names to see who will battle
-each other in the poo joust.
Okay, I'm gonna quickly run through the rules.
There aren't any rules.
Bunny versus Jeff.
Whoo!
Come on, Jeff, don't let me down, dude.
Ohh!
All right, Kosick versus Wee Man.
Hit him in the face. Get him, Rick.
The next match is...
Knoxville, that would be me,
and Cliver.
Yeah!
Winners bracket round one,
Bunny versus Wee Man.
Jeff versus Cliver, winners bracket round two.
Wee Man versus Jeff.
For the championship bout,
the fences, the cinder blocks, the pole, everything is removed.
It's mano a mano.
I will be reffing. This is winner take all.
Here we go.
Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.
One, two...
-Yay, Bunny!
...all the guys at the gym that helped me out, spotted me.
This trophy, this lovely trophy is for the winner, Bunny.
Yeah! Yeah!
-You need some...
You know, you're . It's on MTV.
What do you guys think of his haircut?
What did you say when you asked them to cut it?
Did you say, "Ah, just butcher the "?
Get off the field!
Yes, you, off the field!
.
Come back here, you little bastard!
-Ow! Ow!
.
Ow.
Ready?