Hi, I'm Santa Claus, welcome to Jackass.
Come wash my back!
My name is Rudolph, and this is Santa,
and today we're doing some aggressive sledding.
I'm Ryan Dunn, I'm about to do some, uh, skiing up here
in the Pennsylvania mountains and try not to die.
At first, you're intimidated,
you know, being rocks and gravel and whatnot,
but I think I'm getting good at it.
Ah, !
What's the log for?
Hopefully to injure Ryan's spine.
Or his head.
That was awesome!
I fell on something haggard.
Oh, that's all poison ivy, look at it.
Is it for real?
I'm not helping him.
-You alright?
Well, I kept on falling on my hands 'cause I don't know
-how to fall good. -Yeah.
-Ryan, look out! -Look out, look out.
Ooh.
I hope it was worth it 'cause I'm hurtin'.
There we go, Rudolph.
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh!
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, it's California bobsledding.
!
California bobsledding. California bobsledding.
Woohoo!
Here he goes.
He's good.
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.
Hey, you guys, break it up. Get off him, what're you doing?
I'm Ryan Dunn, I'm about to some, uh,
tree skiing.
I guess it'd be grass skiing,
into a tree, a K2 tree.
I'm comin', buddy, I'm a doctor!
Ow, !
-You know what the problem was? -What?
Well, part of it's you're at this,
but the other part, you kinda fell
and then got up and it didn't give you time to set.
You-- you had it, though.
-You want a medal? -Yeah.
-You wanna get a gold medal? -Yeah!
-You want a silver medal? -No, I want a gold.
That's exactly what you want, now come on,
quit being a little bitch about it,
now tuck in, down, like this.
You know what I told you.
Now get 'em, get 'em.
Get 'em, tiger.
-There he goes. -Lean forward! Lean forward!
-There you go. -He's good.
.
Quit crying, let's just do it again.
Dude, just go down that bitch with confidence.
Once your blades start going through full force,
you can't change your mind.
Oh, I know, I'm just--
I'm not changing my mind at all,
I'm just trying to stay up.
I'm not gonna change my damn mind.
-Be loose. -Yeah.
You're already half a--
No, stick them poles in the dirt and push.
!
You know if we're laughing,
you're gonna be laughing like that.
I know, I find it funny, I'm just trying
to remember what my name is again.
-You think I'm kidding,
I seriously have no idea where I am right now.
You okay? You okay?
-No, look at me, you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.
It sucks you got hurt, but, God, you're gonna love it later.
Get some, Santa!
Oh! !
Yeah!
This guy's crazy.
Oh, my God, that's a piece of crap!
Yeah, Dave!
-Can I help you? -Ho, ho, ho, can I get
100 pieces of chicken and 100 Cokes, to go.
Oh, Merry Christmas!
Santa's got a lot of damn chicken.
-Bye, bye, Merry Christmas. -Thank you, Blanca.
Thank you, senor. Thank you, Carlos.
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas, little boys and girls!
Fried chicken and Cokes.
-Merry Christmas. -Thank you, thank you.
Hey, Merry Christmas.
-Stop, stop, stop, stop!
-Here we go...
Good.
Hold on, now, there's enough for everybody.
Here we go, Merry Christmas.
Happy Hannukah.
What do you want for Christmas?
-Say "a Barbie doll". -A Barbie doll?
Mwah!
Merry Christmas!
Alright, what would you want, little girl?
You wanna hug Santa like...
No, I want--I want a Barbie doll.
Okay, you get a Barbie doll, little girl.
-Can I have a turtle too? -You can have a turtle.
-That's all I want. -Alright.
And a half a pint of .
-I want a turtle! -Okay, a turtle, turtle.
Hey, Merry Christmas!
Feliz Navidad!
-Ready? -Yeah.
We are going to put a speculum into
-your rectum here. -Ho, holy !
Ahh!
Woohoo! Hi-yah!
Hi, my name's Santa Claus,
and I'm about to get a colonic.
-Are you Linda? -Yes.
Santa wants a real colonic.
I thought this was a joke, I really did.
-No, Santa wants a real... -You want a real colonic?
Now, Santa, you're gonna have to remove your clothing,
-are you able to... -Santa's gonn--
-yeah, I'm gonna drop trou.
We are going to put a speculum
into your rectum here, and through your rectum,
we're going to send warm, purified water
through entire colon, about 30-35 gallons.
And little by little,
it's going to rinse you clean on the inside.
Is there gonna be any lubrication?
Alright, now, this is Ron.
-Alright, how are ya, Ron?
You're gonna know me in some ways that most men never will.
Alright, now just lay on your back.
-There you go.
You're getting the hang of it, you're getting the hang of it.
Okay, now you can take your pants down.
-Okay. -Try to--
try to restrain yourself, Santa.
You'll be able to do it once I...
Yeah, please use gloves.
We're lubricating the tube
so that it slips easily onto the speculum
that we're just getting ready to insert in Santa's rectum.
Where are his hands?
They're putting the tube into your rectum very gently.
Loosen up, Santa.
Ho! Holy ! Ahh!
We in there, believe it or not.
That's it?
What's going to come out?
It's gonna come out through here...
You're gonna see it go right through the tube
and then into the sewer line.
The water is softening up the old fecal material.
-Isn't that wonderful? -Yeah.
Now you're gonna get the distinct feeling
that you gotta go real bad...
I got that distinct feeling right--
-Okay. -Oh, oh, boy,
something's happening.
Usually it takes about 15 to 20 minutes
-into the treatment. -Really?
I think Santa can bring something out right now.
Okey dokey, then.
Yeah, let it--let it rip.
And so, you're probably feeling a little bit uncomfortable.
-Yeah, you can say... -Yes.
I'm feeling a little bit uncomfortable.
What's the most ever that's been extracted from someone?
I mean, have you ever like, worked on...
-19 pounds. -19--oh, my God!
Like, good sized ones? Like, size of like,
-candy bars ones? -Yeah.
You know, John Wayne died with over 63 pounds
of impacted feces in his stomach.
-The Duke? -That's why--
why do you think they called him The Duke?
Oh, there we go.
There's the chicken sandwich from today.
Santa's a freak.
-Oh, ho, ho, ho.
See, he's really defecating,
but he's just not defecating
big, hard stool, but he's defecating.
See, it's getting bigger and bigger.
Oh, boy, there's some nice chunks.
There, better.
Where are you from?
Uh, the North Pole.
Get in town about once a year.
-Oh, boy!
Now what happens when you take this out?
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Ugh...
Go ahead, Santa, get in there.
Santa, see that thing up under there?
In between your legs? Pull it out.
My penis?
No, no, down on the floor.
-Oh.
-See that? -That's my penis.
Down on the floor!
Oh. Oh!
-Put your feet up on that. -Oh, that's awesome.
Santa about to wash his hands.
Oh, yes, thank you, fellas.
-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas! Bye bye! -Bye bye.
-Merry Christmas.
Santa's making up some egg nog, and...
Of course, there's no alcohol in it.
I think it needs a little nutmeg.
Little of that.
And Santa likes that-- that little--
I think we're ready to go.
Mr. Snowman.
-Did you see that egg nog?
Never had egg nog before.
Alright, so you know we can't eat 50 eggs.
So tonight we're going to see, boys and girls,
if you can drink 50 shots of egg nog in one hour.
We have the lovely Mrs. Claus, my third wife,
the sexually marginalized snowman,
and my moderately sober elf Murray.
Are we ready?
Go.
Remember, don't pace yourself.
What do you want for Christmas this year, Murray?
Aside from a clean driving record.
You better watch it.
Murray's getting ready to blow.
-Oh, boy.
Paper towel?
I'd say needs a little motivation, Murray.
Gotta hitch in their boot.
Pretty good, we've only got 51 minutes to go.
The way you're drinking, you should switch out
with Mrs. Claus, .
Oh, that smell, ugh!
Only 48 more minutes to go.
Put it on and keep drinking.
You gotta keep it on.
No, you gotta keep your nose on.
-...minutes.
-Wow.
, you know, I'll let you
-take a break for a second. -Alright.
Oh! Oh!
50.
-Oh!
Looks like we have a winner.
.
The winner of the 50 Egg Nog Challenge,
Murray the Moderately Sober Elf.
Preston...
Have you seen a fat snowman run by here?
Preston...
come out, it's Santa.
-.
-Tell him you didn't mean it. -I didn't mean it, I love you.
That hurt?
Did I spell it wrong?
-How'd he spell it? -That's spelled right.
Isn't it C-L-A-U-S-E?
-No E. -No E?
How about if I turn that into a smiley face?
Santa Clause.
idiot.