Wait a second, whoa.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass.
Hyah!
Whoa! Whoa!
[theme music]
[screams]
♪ ♪
[mooing]
♪ ♪
[howling]
[screaming]
I'm Johnny Knoxville, and as you can see,
I have two broken arms today, and unfortunately
I have to go to the restroom really bad.
So I'm going to see if someone will aid me in that.
Hey, man. Hey, bro.
I feel stupid asking you this.
I have to piss really bad.
I was wondering if you could unzip me.
-Oh, man. -There's nothing I can do.
I'm about to piss my pants.
[man] No, I can't do that.
I wish I could.
Lemme find a young lady...
No, no, no, don't ask a girl,
because then that's kinda sketchy, you know?
Girls will think it's weird.
-I'll do it if you don't mind. -No, I don't mind.
Just an unzip is all I need
and I can maneuver it from there.
-Just need an unzip, right? -Yeah, just...
Well, no, see, if you unbutton,
then my pants fall down.
-Alright, so just-- -Whoa, yeah.
-Yeah. -I got it.
-Okay, is that good? -Okay, yeah, I can get it,
I think, thank you.
Hey, bro, can I ask you a favor real quick?
It's ridiculous, I apologize for asking you.
But I gotta piss really bad,
and if I can just get an unzip.
Don't do anything, just an unzip.
You know what, ask one of those guys
in the car that are with me.
I just talked to your friend, he said you might help me.
I gotta piss really bad, and I can't unzip
because of my arms are broke.
-[man] Come back for the zip? -Yeah.
Thank you, thank you.
Oh!
Dude, thanks. I feel ridiculous.
-[man] That's alright. -Thank you.
[laughter]
-Oh, wow, thank you, man. -No problem.
Thanks a lot. Ah. Ah!
Right now, we're gonna hurt the treadmill,
or the treadmill's gonna hurt us.
[treadmill whirring]
-[laughter] -[screams]
[laughter]
[high-pitched whirring]
Get him.
Try an endo or some [bleep].
Bring it on, [bleep]!
Yo, should I call up Knoxville and see if he wants to come?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
[animals chittering]
[screaming]
[screaming continues]
[child screams]
Hi, I'm Party Boy,
exotic dancer in training.
Today, we are gonna go
to the Hollywood Men's Strip Facility
and get some pointers from some of my exotic comrades.
Good morning. I'm Party Boy.
Party Boy, nice to meet you.
Today, I just wanted to get,
first of all, some workout pointers.
Uh-huh.
Um, and some tips on the dance moves.
And then after that, I'm gonna have to do some tanning.
[funky techno music]
That's all you do?
[grunts]
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I gotta learn some dance moves.
-Grab her shoulders. -Oh, [bleep].
-Yeah. -You can bend over
this way and like, grab her leg.
It's all about the hips.
Alright.
[thumping techno music plays]
[Scott] Slow down, slow down.
♪ ♪
[laughter]
You're rubbing your genitals on my leg.
[laughs] I was get--
I was getting a little riled up.
[techno music continues]
♪ ♪
[indistinct chatter]
Alright, I think you're ready to go in there.
Just a few more pumps,
and Party Boy will be ready to go to work.
[Party Boy] I'm just looking for one of these stereos.
I just want something that's kind of loud and bass-y.
Good for like, you know, like, party music, kinda.
[thumping bass music plays]
Yeah, turn that up.
[music intensifies]
Yeah, sounds pretty good.
-You like this song? -Yeah.
I kinda just feel like partying.
I kinda just feel like partying right now.
Whoo!
♪ ♪
Let's go, man, let's go!
You can't do that here, man.
-Come on, keep it going. -You can't do that here.
Come on, blast it.
Come on.
Come on, blast it.
Come on, I wanna dance.
I came to dance. I came to party.
I just wanna party.
I'm looking for, like, a home stereo,
just kinda like, something nice for the living room.
Can I try some stuff out?
[thumping bass music plays]
Yeah.
-You like this song? -Hmm?
-Do you like this song? -Song's good.
Kinda makes you feel like partying.
I kinda feel like partying right now.
♪ ♪
[indistinct mumbling]
[music continues]
♪ ♪
Wanna party?
♪ ♪
Yeah!
♪ ♪
Whoo!
[music stops]
-Oh! -Oh, come on, man.
Party Boy, one more song.
[man] No, no, no, no.
-Alright. -You can't do that in here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just got excited.
Some people just don't know how to party.
[Steve-O] An orange is heavy.
They probably come out easily 100 miles an hour.
-[loud bang] -[screaming]
♪ ♪
[Johnny] Oww!
[laughter]
The world record for a jai-alai ball
is 188 miles an hour.
This is the most dangerous game in the world.
Nobody gets killed...
..but they should really get hurt.
It's more dangerous than bullfighting?
Oh, sure.
Every play, every point is potential death.
I'm scared.
An orange is heavy.
[man] They probably come out easily 100 miles an hour.
-[nervous chuckle] -How accurate are they?
It might take about, I would say, three shots.
Two practice shots, and the third one I'll get him.
I'm not looking forward to this at all.
[indistinct chatter]
This is the end of Johnny Knoxville.
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, this is Steve-O,
this is jai-alai.
[man] You guys ready?
-Here they come. -Here it comes.
Go!
[loud banging]
[screams]
[player] Got him!
[laughter]
-What number was that? -That was me.
Ohh!
[screams]
A little low, needed to get it up a couple inches.
Hey, you guys know Steve-O's here, right?
Yeah, I was trying to hit him.
I'm gonna get Steve-O right now.
This is Steve-O.
Spread out, Steve-O, spread out.
In the yellow!
Oh yeah! Whoo!
I got one for you, Johnny, it's coming.
Thank you!
Oh, you're throwing like a wash woman.
No wonder you guys aren't pitchers.
[laughter]
[bleep]!
Steve-O, you okay?
How much you get for a knockdown?
Go!
-Ahh! -Ohh!
Timeout. [laughing]
Where'd that hit you?
-[all exclaiming] -[bleep]!
[Johnny] Steve-O's retired.
It's just me, ladies.
What was that, a [bleep] grapefruit?
[screams]
[man] Should we start with the lemons and limes?
[Johnny] No, I think-- I think we got it.
[laughter]
[distant dog barking]
[metal creaking]
This is the human tricycle.
♪ ♪
[man] Hey!
♪ ♪
Gonna do the Snake River launch.
It's kinda gnarly, full of rock.
Trying to make it to the other side
kinda Evel Knievel style.
[cameraman] Yeah, what's the bottom
of the river look like?
Uh, spiked rocks.
-[laughter] -Look at the condom!
-Where? -Right there.
Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
[Bam] You have to be an idiot to try this because there's
no way that he's ever gonna make it to the other side.
[Brandon] Especially with the red bike with no traction.
The tires are solid plastic, they're not even inflatable.
It's like 33 degrees out with the wind blowing.
I'm Ryan Dunn, and this is the Snake River jump.
[cameraman] Anytime you guys are ready.
[laughter]
[Bam] It's so cold, isn't it?
[Ryan] Oh my God!
He got farther than I thought.
-I know... -He got like,
halfway across, more than halfway.
Oh, it smells.
I wonder where this water's coming from?
It's a sewage runoff.
[Bam] You smell like the inside of an ass.
[laughter]
Do I have a snot hanging out of my nose?
[Johnny] No, no, you look great.
-Really? -Yeah.
'Cause this is just for the women.
You look really good. Girls will like this.
[Ryan] This is all for my lady fans.
Whoa.
Ohh!
[Bam] Go back up that way. Go up the other way.
[bleep]!
[Bam] Go up, quick.
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
[crowd cheering]
You better get some speed, you're not going fast enough!
[coughing]
[distant laughter]
No one [bleep] said "Do it again" at all.
[laughter]
[police radio chatter]
[officer] Everybody come on over the fence,
I need your IDs over here please.
[Johnny] Watch out, officer.
[cameraman] What happened?
Johnny Knoxville,
I tell him favor the left, and you know what he does?
He goes and favors the seat, pushes the seat down,
I take a header all the way to the ground.
If there'd been a rock there, I'd have come up and kicked him.
We're getting arrested 'cause of you.
-Are we getting arrested? -I think so.
Are you cold?
-You're an idiot. -[laughter]
I'm getting ready to
artificially inseminate a cow.
[laughter]
Come on...
♪ ♪
[mooing]
♪ ♪
Oh, dude, oh--
bro, dude, can you help me--
can you grab these for me?
[bleep] damn, this is dumb.
[man] It's kinda bad right...
Yeah, dude, right in this part of town.
[man] It's not good around this area.
-[grunts] -What happened to you man?
[Johnny sputtering]
[bleep]!
Damn.
That's terrible.
-Dude... -I'm sorry, man.
This is kind of odd for me, man.
You got it with your other hand?
Yeah, b-- [groans]
Thanks, bro.
Oh, [bleep], hey, bro.
Bro, bro, bro. Hey, bro.
Oh, this is so dumb.
-I'm sorry, help-- -You want some help with this?
Yeah, [bleep].
[overlapping chatter]
-Can you button me? -Hey, no problem.
-Thanks, bro. -There you go.
-Okay... -J--you got that or no?
-Yeah, I can't get it. -Alright, here you go.
-How's that for you? -Oh, dude, thanks.
-Hey, no problem. -Ahh! My arm!
Ow. Thanks, bro.
Oh...
hey, bro, can you help me
pull my pants up, please?
I feel dumb.
-You gotta be kidding. -No, no, I'm not joking.
It's... jeez.
Wha--[screams]
Can you push me up?
Push me up?
[man] How we gonna do that?
Okay, okay, okay.
-Okay? -Yeah.
Alright.
Wh--oh, [bleep].
-I am so sorry. -I know.
-This sucks. -You gotta stand up straight.
Stand up straight.
There, pull your pants up, man.
[grunts] Thank you.
-Whoa, that was pretty deep. -[laughter]
[Bam] Phil's pies.
[muttering indistinctly]
Damn, Phil, that's a pretty good job.
A pie that you made!
Lemon meringue, bitch!
What's up with that?
-[man] Did it hurt? -No.
-It's a fluffy pie. -[April] Oh, man, I just did
my curtains too, that sucks.
Would you forget ab--
-Yeah! Yeah! -What the hell?!
Are you kidding me?
-Is that another pie? -It doesn't make any sense.
Is that another pie? What're you, a jerk?
Now I gotta get it out of there...
[overlapping chatter]
There's no more, right?
Is that it? That's the end? You swear?
Oh, man.
-[clatters] -[gasps]
[bleep]!
[laughter]
So bummed!
I'm getting ready to artificially inseminate a cow.
What a miserable day.
Hi, sweetie.
I'm going to inseminate you artificially.
[mooing]
Maybe for real if you play your cards right.
What exactly am I gonna be doing?
Well, you'’re gonna put one of these gloves on.
You're gonna be going into the cow's rectum
and you'll manipulate her cervix.
-The rectum... -That's right.
When I go in the rectum, will I be having to fight
against any... poo?
It will probably be full of poo.
-[groans] -So you're gonna have
to let some of that out so you can work in there.
What do you mean "let it out"? You mean scrape it out?
Like, lift your arm up, and it'll come out.
-[groans] -Scrape it out, get it clean.
And then have the semen here in the straw,
and then you'll go in vaginally with this.
-The pipette. -Is it your semen?
No, it's a bull's semen.
[man] It should be okay.
Can you not squirt me with the bull sperm?
-[bleep]. -[laughter]
You're really serious about this lube, huh?
W--ohh!
-Oh, that--that thing? -You gotta go in right there.
Where?
[groans]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ I know you're a cow, baby, but I don't care ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm a bull ♪
[slow romantic music plays]
♪ I just get lost every time I look in those big brown eyes ♪
♪ ♪
I have a cigar in my hands.
A meat cigar.
[indistinct chatter]
♪ Oh, you look just like your mama, baby ♪
♪ I love that about you ♪
I think you gotta spread it a little bit more than that.
-Oh, God, like that? -There you go.
Oh, Hazel.
[man] Let me see what's obstructing...
[Johnny] Oh, she's [bleep]?
Oh, she's pooing!
-[laughter] -Oh, it's warm!
♪ I know you're messing on my hand right now, mama ♪
♪ We tryna make a baby ♪
[vocalizing]
♪ ♪
[laughter]
Alright.
Congratulations.
-Can I take my hand out? -You're all done.
[overlapping chatter]
[all exclaiming]
-Lick it! -Eww!
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
[Brandon] Give her a little blackberry brandy.
Give her some blackberry brandy,
she won't remember a [bleep] damn thing.
Come here.
[laughter]
We're gonna dig a hole right here,
cover it up with sticks, and then he's gonna mow
right into it and hopefully he'll get real, real hurt.
Party Boy, $1.
-Ready for the party, bro? -[man] What're you about to do?
[thumping techno music plays]
[laughter]
♪ ♪
[theme music]
♪ ♪
[sputtering]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, [bleep]!
-[screams] -[laughter]
[donkey bleating]
[bleating continues]