>> THIS HERE IS THE BOUNTY
HUNTER SKIT.
HE'S THE BOUNTY, AND I'M THE
HUNTER.
HEY, CAN YOU KEEP AN EYE ON HIM
FOR A SECOND IF I'M INSIDE HERE?
JUST RELAX.
JUST RELAX FOR A MINUTE.
KEEP AN EYE ON HIM JUST FOR A
MINUTE.
JUST FOR A MINUTE.
>> COME ON, MAN, DON'T JUST
STAND THERE.
COME ON.
HEY, HEY, HEY, GIVE ME A HAND.
CAN YOU--
>> ONE OF YOU GUYS GIVE ME A
HAND WITH THIS CLOWN, HUH?
[SIREN]
GROW UP!
[BEEP].
>> YOU GOT SOME I.D. ON YOU?
>> EVERYTHING'S TOTALLY IN THE
VAN, YEAH.
>> TOTALLY IN THE VAN.
YOU JUST CAN'T CUFF A MAN LIKE
THIS.
BUDDY, YOU'RE DISTURBING THE
PEACE.
>> I'M SORRY.
HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE, ACTUALLY.
>> YOU KNOW, FRANKLY, I DON'T
BELIEVE YOU GUYS.
YOU GUYS LOOK LIKE A COUPLE OF
[BEEP] LUNATICS OR SOMETHING.
>> YEAH.
HERE HE COMES.
>> HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
YOU WITH THESE GUYS?
>> UH--YEAH.
WE'RE DOING A THING FOR MTV.
>> MTV?
WHAT--YOU GOT A PERMIT?
>> I DON'T HAVE A PERMIT.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE A PERMIT.
YOU GOT I.D.?
>> I DON'T HAVE I.D. ON ME.
I CAN GO TO THE CAR AND GET I.D.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
YOU COME HERE.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
WHERE YOU GUYS FROM ANYWAYS?
>> FROM LOS ANGELES.
>> YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER GO
BACK TO LOS ANGELES.
FOR NOW YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
GO DOWN TO THE STATION HOUSE
WITH ME, OK?
>> OK.
>> CAN I FIND OUT WHERE THESE
GUYS ARE GOING?
>> THEY'RE GOING DOWNTOWN.
GET IN THE CAR.
FELLAS, WE'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS
FOR YOU.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR
IMPERSONATING AN OFFICER.
THAT'S A FELONY.
AND YOU FOR DISTURBING THE
PEACE, AND I THINK THERE'S A
POSSIBLE WARRANT ON YOU.
>> [BEEP] FELONY.
>> A FELONY?
>> THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE ME TO
JAIL.
>> WOW.
IT DOESN'T HAPPEN LIKE THIS ON
"COPS", HUH?
>> NO.
>> OH, AND BY THE WAY, I'M
JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.
WELCOME TO "JACKASS."
>> SHUT UP!
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
>> MOTHER [BEEP] [BEEP].
DAMN YOU!
>> MOTHER [BEEP], YOU GAVE ME A
HEART ATTACK.
DAMN, YOU [BEEP].
THAT WAS SO GOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> ♪ I'M GOIN' ON A MANHUNT
TURN IT AROUND
WOMEN HAVE BEEN HUNTED
NOW WE'RE HUNTING AROUND
MANHUNT
WE ALL GOT OUR NEEDS
THE ONE THAT'S BEEN WAITING
HAS TAKEN
THE LEAD ♪
♪ YOU SEE HIM EVERY DAY
IN THE OFFICE
HE'S SEXY AND HE'S SMOOTH
HE'S QUICK TO LOOK ME OVER
BUT SLOW TO MAKE HIS MOVE
I'VE BEEN SITTING AT HOME
BY THE TELEPHONE
HOPING THAT I'M IN HIS PLANS
THIS WAITING GAME IS GETTING OLD
IT'S TIME TO TAKE MATTERS INTO
MY HANDS
I'M GOIN' ON A MANHUNT
TURN IT AROUND
WOMEN HAVE BEEN HUNTED
NOW WE'RE HUNTING AROUND
YEAH, MANHUNT
WE ALL GOT THE NEED
THE ONE THAT'S BEEN WAITING
HAS TAKEN
THE LEAD
I'M OUT FOR THE KILL ♪
>> [LAUGHING]
>> HOW YOU DOING?
YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT?
>> [BEEP]!
SON OF A BITCH!
>> TODAY I'M GOING TO DO A
LITTLE SNOW SURFING.
>> YAHOO!
>> UGH!
AHH!
OH!
[BEEP]!
OH, YEAH!
YEAH!
WHOO!
>> HI, I'M STEVE-O.
I'M SOMEWHERE IN LOUISIANA RIGHT
NOW.
I'M ABOUT TO GET MY ASS KICKED
BY CRAWFISH.
>> HOW BAD DO THESE HURT IF THEY
GET A GOOD PINCH ON YOU?
>> WELL, DEPENDS ON IF YOU GET
ONE LIKE THAT ONE.
SEE HOW ITS CLAWS ARE LIKE THAT?
>> WHOA, DUDE, YEAH.
>> WE DIDN'T FEED THEM FOR 3
DAYS, SO THEY'LL BE HUNGRY.
>> WELL, IT'S GOING TO FEEL KIND
OF FUNNY GOING DOWN YOUR PANTS.
>> HOW COULD IT GET WORSE, DUDE?
THIS IS ABOUT--PROBABLY GONNA BE
THE EQUIVALENT OF DOING A PETE
ROSE SLIDE THROUGH FRICKING
THORN BUSHES.
>> YEAH, THAT'S ABOUT WHAT THEY
DO.
THEY REALLY DON'T LET GO.
>> THAT THING'S GOING TO KILL
YOU.
>> THIS IS THE CRAWFISH DIAPER.
>> SOME IN THE FRONT.
>> [WHISTLING]
>> ARE THEY BITING?
>> AAH!
OOH!
AHH!
>> WHERE'S HE BITING?
>> HE CLAMPED UP IN MY
FRONT CHEEK, DUDE.
OH, AHH!
AHH!
OK.
I THINK I'M DONE, DUDE.
OH, AAH!
[LAUGHTER]
>> OH, THEY ALMOST BIT YOU ON
YOUR NAME, DUDE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> I THINK THAT SUCKED.
>> YOU'VE BEEN CHECKED ON THE
OPEN ICE BEFORE?
>> I'VE BEEN CHECKED ON THE OPEN
ICE BEFORE.
>> I'VE BEEN ON THE ICE TWICE IN
MY LIFE, BOTH WITH VERY POOR
RESULTS.
>> I DON'T WANT TO HIT MY RIGHT
FOOT.
>> WHO'S GOING TO HIT ME FIRST?
>> I THINK OUR GOOD FRIEND HERE
HAS GOT FRUSTRATION HE NEEDS TO
TAKE OUT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, UM, HERE WE GO.
>> THERE YOU GO.
>> OK.
>> THERE'S ONLY A COUPLE MORE.
>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
OOF!
>> NOW YOU'RE A HOCKEY PLAYER.
NOW YOU'RE READY.
>> I'M NOT REALLY THE ARTFUL
DODGER, AM I?
>> CLOSE YOUR MOUTH!
>> OOF!
>> ONLY GIRLS STAY DOWN.
>> [COUGHING]
>> YOU'VE BEEN CHECKED ON THE
OPEN ICE BEFORE?
>> I'VE BEEN CHECKED ON THE OPEN
ICE BEFORE.
>> OH!
>> I'M ABOUT TO PUKE.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
THIS IS THE LAST ONE, SO LET'S
MAKE IT COUNT.
>> USE THE FORCE TO GET UP.
>> GOING TO THE AIRPORT?
>> L-A-X?
>> YEAH.
CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY OTHER
BAG?
MY BACK IS BAD.
>> [BEEP]!
[LAUGHTER]
>> I'M DAVE, AND THIS IS
FULL-PIPE SKATING.
>> GRR!
>> [SCREAMING]
>> GRR!
>> I ALMOST HAD THAT ONE.
I ALMOST HAD THAT ONE.
I ALMOST HAD IT.
>> READY...SET, GO.
[LAUGHTER]
>> JOHNNY KNOXVILLE CHALLENGED
ME TO A BOXING MATCH.
AND RYAN, HE'S CHALLENGED ME.
>> I DON'T WANT HIM TO HIT YOU
IN THE HEAD.
>> I DON'T WANT HIM TO HIT ME IN
THE HEAD EITHER.
>> I HOPE HE BROUGHT HIS PILLOW
BECAUSE HE'S GOING TO SLEEP.
>> RYAN'S GOING TO GET REALLY
HURT.
>> OK.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO BOX HIM.
DON'T STAY UP CLOSE TO HIM.
JUST KIND OF HIT HIM AND MOVE
AWAY.
HIT HIM.
JUST KEEP ON MOVING AROUND.
>> POINTERS AREN'T GOING TO HELP
BECAUSE HE'S JUST GOING TO GET
ROCKED IN THE FIRST ROUND.
>> OW!
[LAUGHTER]
>> KEEP YOUR HANDS UP.
BUT WHEN HE COMES AT YOU
PUNCHING, YOUR OBJECT IS TO TAKE
HIM DOWN BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A
STRIKER, CORRECT?
>> RIGHT.
>> RYAN'S GOING TO GET ABOUT
ZERO PUNCHES IN.
>> THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.
>> BAM BAM'S PREDICTIONS: "A",
DISLOCATED SHOULDER, "B", BROKEN
ARM, "C", COMPLETELY KNOCKED OUT
COLD, AND "H"...
>> I'M RYAN DUNN.
I'M ABOUT TO DO SOME ULTIMATE
FIGHTING.
>> GO.
>> LITTLE HIGH.
>> GET IN THERE.
GO.
DON'T LET HIM HIT YOU.
DON'T LET HIM HIT YOU, RYAN.
GET HIM.
DON'T STOP.
>> HE'S DOWN.
NO--BACK UP.
>> STAY THERE, STAY THERE.
>> YOU GOOD?
>> OH, I'M DONE.
>> ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
>> GOOD?
>> OH, [BEEP].
OH, MY GOD, MY HEAD.
>> CAN YOU STILL DO IT?
[APPLAUSE]
>> DUDE, HE HIT ME REALLY HARD.
>> YOU WEREN'T THINKING RALPH
MACCHIO, THAT'S WHY.
>> I WON'T HAVE A REGULAR HEAD
ANYMORE.
REMEMBER HOW I USED TO TAKE HITS
TO THE HEAD?
>> YEAH.
>> THOSE DAYS ARE WELL AND GONE,
MY FRIEND.
>> SO KNOXVILLE, I'M ON THE
PHONE.
I'M GOING TO GET PUNCHED IN THE
STOMACH RIGHT NOW.
OK, JUST DO IT.
DO IT.
UGH!
[LAUGHTER]
KNOXVILLE, IT HURT.
OOH.
>> LET HIM HIT YOU IN THE
STOMACH.
>> DUDE, [BEEP] THAT.
HE'S AN EXPERT AT THIS.
>> DUDE, JUST DON'T BE A
LITTLE BITCH ABOUT IT.
>> JUST RELAX.
>> JUST THE WIND KNOCKED OUT OF
YOU.
>> OOH!
[LAUGHTER]
>> DUDE, HE HIT ME HARD.
>> GO BACK.
>> LOOK AT THE KNUCKLES.
>> YOU CAN SEE THE KNUCKLES.
>> [LAUGHING]
>> OH, DUDE.
>> TODAY WE'RE GOING TO A SPERM
BANK FOR THE FIRST-EVER
"JACKASS" SPERMATHON.
[ZIPPER]
>> HEH HEH HEH.
>> WHY DOES HE SLEEP SIDEWAYS?
>> AAH!
[LAUGHTER]
>> OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.
[LAUGHTER]
>> I HEARD YOU TALKING.
>> THAT WAS SO COOL!
>> NOW WHAT?
NOW WHAT?
CHESTER RUMBLE FLASHBACK.
>> TODAY WE'RE GOING TO A SPERM
BANK FOR THE FIRST-EVER
"JACKASS" SPERMATHON.
THE EVENTS WHICH THE CONTESTANTS
WILL BE JUDGED WILL BE SPERM
COUNT, POTENCY OF THE SPERM,
VOLUME, AND SPEED.
LET THE GAMES...
BEGIN.
STEPHANIE WILL BE OUR NURSE
TODAY.
SHE WILL BE TRANSPORTING THE
SAMPLES FROM THE CONTESTANT TO
ANOTHER NURSE.
NOW WE'RE GOING TO DRAW THE
NAMES TO SEE WHO GOES FIRST.
>> ALL RIGHT, FIRST,
♪ DU DU DA
PRESTON.
>> I HAVE THE POLE POSITION,
WHICH PROBABLY IS AN ADVANTAGE
IN THIS SITUATION.
I HAVE TO SET THE PACE TIME.
THAT MIGHT BE HARD.
I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.
MY DAD WAS A MARINE CORPS
CHAMPION AT PARIS ISLAND.
>> SINCE ONE OF THE EVENTS TODAY
WILL BE A SPEED ROUND, WHO CAN
DELIVER THE FASTEST, LOOMIS WILL
HAVE A STOPWATCH, AND HE'LL
TIME THE ENTRANTS FROM THE POINT
THEY WALK IN THE DOOR TO THE
POINT THEY WALK OUT OF THE DOOR.
>> THIS IS YOURS.
WE'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES.
>> I JUST NEED TO FRISK YOU
FIRST.
WHAT'S THAT?
>> THAT'S LITTLE P.
>> ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE CLEAN.
>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT IT
THROUGH THERE, FOOL.
>> [GIGGLES]
>> TIME?
>> 5:50.
>> I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS BECAUSE
I'M WITH A BUNCH OF DUDES, AND,
FRANKLY, I DON'T THINK I CAN DO
IT AROUND THESE GUYS.
>> SEE YOU LATER.
>> DID YOU WALK IN THERE ERECT
ALREADY?
>> NO.
IT WAS KIND OF HARD.
THAT WAS MORE MINUTES GETTING
IT...
>> UP.
>> UP THAN GETTING IT OUT.
>> WE'RE AT 11 1/2 MINUTES.
>> I THINK WE'RE BOUND TO BE
HERE ALL DAY.
COME ON, KOSICK.
COME ON!
>> WHERE IS IT?
>> WHEW.
>> TIME?
>> 13:29.
>> I WONDER IF THAT'S A BAD
THING OR A GOOD THING IN THE
LONG RUN.
GOOD LUCK.
BREAK A LEG.
I WONDER IF THEY CAN, LIKE,
SMELL EACH OTHER WHEN THEY GO
IN THERE.
[LAUGHTER]
DOESN'T REALLY LOOK LIKE THAT
MUCH, HUH?
>> I COULDN'T GET IT UP.
I'M TIRED.
>> JOHNNY PISCES KNOXVILLE.
>> BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS, I
GOT A SECRET WEAPON FOR
SPEED...
"AMERICAN GRIZZLY."
THANK YOU.
>> PUT IT IN THE DRAWER WHEN
YOU'RE DONE.
>> READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, TOO.
>> READ THE INSTRUCTIONS OVER
THE SINK.
>> PAGING DR. STATEMAN.
DR. STATEMAN, PLEASE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> LOOK AT YOU, GROSS.
I FEEL KIND OF WEIRD BEING IN
THE SAME--HA HA HA!
>> PAGING DR. BENDER.
>> I'VE GOT TO COME TO
TERMS WITH MY SEXUALITY.
I'VE GOT TO KNOW WHAT I'M ALL
ABOUT.
>> IT'S GOT HAIR IN IT.
>> HOW LONG WAS THAT?
>> 6:09.
>> YAY--OH, I'M IN SECOND.
>> ALL RIGHT, WEE MAN.
YOU READY?
>> YEP.
>> FOLLOW NURSE STEPHANIE.
>> HERE I GO.
>> HAVE A GOOD TIME.
>> AND AGAIN.
>> I WAS NOT EVEN HALF COCKED.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> IT WAS LIKE WET SPAGHETTI.
>> YEAH, IT WAS TERRIBLE.
LIKE, WHAT THE--
>> BECAUSE I COULD HEAR WEE MAN
GIGGLING OUTSIDE, AND THAT
WASN'T HELPING ANYBODY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> YEAH.
>> 6:03.
>> NOT MUCH.
>> BUT IT'S SOMETHING.
>> I'VE GOT DIRTY STUFF IN MY
MIND.
I'M READY TO GO.
THANK YOU.
>> YOU BEEN SHAVING YOUR CHEST
LATELY, PONTIUS?
>> OH, YEAH, I DID BECAUSE MANNY
DOES.
>> AS SOON AS THE DOOR CLOSES,
THAT'S WHEN TIME GOES.
>> I'M GETTING NAKED.
>> HURRY UP.
>> HE'S JUST [INDISTINCT].
>> AHH.
[LAUGHTER]
SUCCESS!
[LAUGHTER]
>> EVERYONE'S TRUMPED.
>> 10:52.
>> DOESN'T LOOK LIKE MUCH.
>> IT'S UP ON THE SIDES.
IT'S MOVING.
>> DID I HAVE MORE THAN PONTIUS?
>> OH, YOURS IS, LIKE, CHUNKY.
>> I'M GOING TO BE SO BUMMED
WHEN THEY ANNOUNCE MY SEXUALLY
TRANSMITTED DISEASES.
>> OH, HERE COMES THE DOCTOR
WITH THE RESULTS.
>> WHO'S JOHNNY?
>> JOHNNY, THAT'S ME.
>> YOU'RE THE LAST.
>> I GOT THE LOWEST COUNT?
>> YOU'RE THE WORST.
[LAUGHTER]
NOT FAR BEHIND IS PRESTON.
WHO'S CHRIS AND RICK?
>> YEAH.
>> IT'S 118, AND RICK, WHO'S
RICK?
>> RIGHT HERE.
>> YOU GIVE HIM THIS.
HE'S 144.
>> OH!
>> KICK BUTT!
>> RICK'S GOT GOOD SPERM.
>> NOW HE'S JUST GOT TO FIND
SOMEONE TO PUT IT IN.
[LAUGHTER]
>> THIS IS THE GLUE HELMET.
>> IT'S OLIVE OIL, HUMAN HAIR,
AND HOT SAUCE.
>> HANG ON.
>> DUDE, I'M HANGING.
>> THE RESULTS ARE IN.
VOLUME, THE LOSER WAS WEE MAN
WITH .8 MILLILITERS, AND THE
WINNER WAS DIMITRY WITH 4.0
MILLILITERS.
>> WE CONCOCTED A LITTLE FAKE
SPERM USING LOTION AND WATER.
IT'S GOING TO GO OVER SOME LUCKY
CONTESTANT'S HEAD AT THE END.
I THINK KOSICK'S GOING TO WIN
THE COMPETITION FOR MOST POTENT
SPERM.
SO HERE YOU GO, KOSICK.
>> OH!
[LAUGHTER]
>> GROSS.
>> DUDE, IS THAT REAL?
>> THAT'S ALL OF IT.
>> UGH!
>> OOF!
[LAUGHTER]
>> THIS WOULD WORK GREAT
WITHOUT YOU IN IT.
>> SO YOU GUYS WEAR BIKINIS
AROUND HERE?
>> NO, WE DON'T WEAR ANYTHING.
>> THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT
THE CHINO THAT JUST NEVER GETS
OLD.
>> AH!
>> [LAUGHING]