Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville,
welcome to Jackass.
Come wash my back!
Phil gets off work in 15 minutes,
and I have 20 paintballs up in this biatch,
and he's gonna die.
-Oh, !
-Oh, my God.
That hurt.
.
Oh, , Phil,
I'm gonna take it out on you now.
I got shot in the foot.
Phil, I got-- I got shot in the foot.
I was just testing it out, it felt like this.
-Ow!
I'm Johnny Knoxville,
and this is water tubingn.
!
This is ice block skating.
-Yeah! Yeah! -Yeah!
This is Steve-O, and this is Dave England,
and this is ice block skating.
You know who's the best at this?
-I am. -Dave, try it gain.
This is BMX polo, there's not many rules,
you just gotta hit the ball with your mallet
through those two posts.
Teams ready?
Let's play.
-Goal -1-0, 1-0.
Next one to score wins.
I'm Steve-O, and I'm gonna go secure the streets
of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Everything okay here, sir?
This isn't really the place to stand right here.
Alright, can I get you to move it over a little bit?
-Sure. -Alright.
I've never been told that before so...
Oh yeah, no, don't worry, you're not in trouble yet.
Just wanna move you over a little bit.
-How you doing there? -How you doing?
-Man, right on. -Are you ?
No, I'm Final Frontier.
What's that, Paul? Is that Paul?
-Nah, Paulolski. -What's your first name?
-Sergio. -Sergio, okay, okay.
I'm pretty sure that I'm here to relieve you.
-He ain't supposed to be here. -You're not supposed to be here
till00, I'm not supposed to be-- this guy's not
supposed to be here.
-What's your name, there? -Johnny.
Johnny? Right on, I'm Sergio.
I'm supposed to ride around with you and you're gonna
train me for a little while.
So I don't know, if you just wanna do a couple laps..
So they told you I was gonna train you?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Uh, this is my first day.
First day working for --, they got you training on
your first day?
-I know. -Good lord.
Here, why don't we get me in the-- let me drive, yeah.
Yeah, I just wanna learn as much as I can.
Alright, let's rock and roll.
How's it handle these speed bumps?
It doesn't handle them at al--
-Whoa! -Very well.
Man...
You have to be real careful in this thing, okay?
Oh yeah, no, I don't wanna get us in trouble.
-Get off the sidewalk. -Oh, okay.
Johnny, I'm all done, man, for the day.
Thanks a lot, man. Appreciate it, dude.
-No problem at all. -I'll probably be
-seeing you tomorrow, cool. -Okay.
That was awesome, dude.
Today Jack Pollock and I are doing the bloody carpet.
We have a bloody mess here,
and we're gonna have a carpet cleaner come over
and see if he'll clean it up for us.
What is this?
-I'm Dave. -And I'm Ehren.
-And this is... -Tandem snowboarding.
Come on, Kosick, it's one of the last shows.
-Just shave your head. -you, man.
Dude, you look good bald already, you know that, so...
-You think I should do this? -Do what?
-Shave my head. -Of course you should.
Or you know what he does,
he gets bald and puts the...
and he gets the thing bald,
and he gets a toupee, and he bends over
and his toupee falls off in front of people.
-There's a skit.
Let's shoot.
So we need to start massaging the scalp.
-Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Rick, if you wanna back out, that's fine.
-Does that hurt?
That's it.
We gotta get Kosick a nice toupee.
-Is this right? -Perfect.
It doesn't feel like it fits.
-It fits perfect.
Oh, excuse me.
Today, Jack Pollock and I are doing the bloody carpet.
We have a bloody mess here, and we're gonna have
a carpet cleaner come over and see if he'll
clean it up for us.
Yeah, come on in.
Uh, yeah, we've got this big spot over here,
I don't know if it's gonna come out or what.
What is it?
Uh, my roommate Stiv, his dog, I think,
is in heat or something.
You'll be able to get it out, won't you?
We can try it, we can try our best,
but honestly, before I even do anything,
I'll have to let you know because...
I'm gonna have the hand.
It looks more real from this side.
Hi.
is this?
Jeff, can I talk to you upstairs?
-Yeah. -Excuse us.
You know, it's funny.
A couple of days-- couple of days ago,
I was watching the Discovery Channel.
And, you know, this guy kill a lot of people
and they put him in the fridge.
I'm not telling this happened here,
-but I'm just telling you. -Yeah.
-The did I-- -Dude, please.
!
I got pepper spray, I got pepper spray.
You did it! It's okay.
He's alright, he's alright.
Bro, just go upstairs.
Let's just, uh, just get up and leave.
You know, I gotta-- I gotta call my boss, man.
-You know, the situation... -I know, I know, it's alright.
Let's just get this done, he'll stay up there...
What he mean when he say you did it?
-What was that? -What?
What he mean when he say...
Oh, he means his dog or whatever, you know.
It's his dog.
Jack, what's going on?
-What? -What's going on, Jack?
Nothing, it's alright.
Dude, is that that cleaning guy?
What? Yeah. Quiet, will ya?
You're not taking care of .
-I'm taking care of it. -You're not taking care
of, shut up!
I don't care whose mess it is, get him out!
Or you're next.
-Yeah, okay, sure. -I need to call my boss.
This situation, I need to report it back...
No, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay, man...
Let him go, Jack. Just let him the --
-I'll help you out. -Hey, listen,
Jackie, this is a-- its okay, I'll leave
the voicemail to you, okay... -It's alright, it's okay.
You don't ha-- no, you don't have to call in.
Come on, why's he still here?
I think it's best if you just go.
Just go ahead, get out.
Get out, man, just go.
Where's the money?
Uh, I'll pay you, uh, right now.
How much is it?
If you know what's good for you,
you'll keep this to yourself!
Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is Dottie Barnett,
and today I am 90 years old.
-You alright? -Yeah.
-Okay.
We have to draw your mustache
if you're gonna sing a song like zis.
I do not need one.
You wanna tell me why you were just jaywalking right here?
-I just jaywalked? -Well, yeah.
I didn't see a pedestrian crossing right there.
I have to cross the street.
Base, base, you in?
Yeah, come in, is this Kowalski?
I got a runner.
If I wasn't dancing in a strip club for money,
I'd be dancing in a strip club for free.
That's the way it'll always be.