HELLO, I'M HOME!
JAY? SOMEBODY?
HELLO! HAD A GREAT DAY AT WORK,
CONQUERED THE KNOWN WORLD.
GREAT.
NOBODY'S HOME.
I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO BE MY OWN FAMILY.
HELLO, KADY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT TO THE DENTIST TO GET MY LIP FIXED.
AND WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY, CLAIRE?
DADDY, I MET THIS REALLY CUTE GUY AT SCHOOL,
AND HE THINKS I'M CUTE BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S CUTE
BUT EVERYBODY ELSE THINKS HE'S CUTE
SO I THINK HE'S CUTE, TOO. CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY?
JUNIOR, WHAT DID YOU DO?
DAD, WHATEVER IT IS, I DIDN'T DO IT.
DAD, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I NEED TO EXCUSE MYSELF
'CAUSE I'VE GOT SOME UNFINISHED BUSINESS
IN THE BATHROOM.
AND HOW WAS YOUR DAY, JAY?
MICHAEL, DON'T START WITH ME, OKAY?
I'VE HAD A HARD DAY AT WORK.
HELLO, MISS LATELY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
MICHAEL, DON'T START WITH ME, OKAY?
I HAD A HARD DAY AT WORK. JUST DON'T START WITH ME.
LOOK AT THE TIME. WHERE IS EVERYBODY AT?
THE KIDS ARE IN THEIR AFTER-SCHOOL PROGRAMS,
ROSA'S PICKING UP KADY FROM TUMBLE TOTS,
AND I HAD A LATE MEETING.
COME ON, BABY, WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL?
WOULD YOU SMILE?
I'LL SMILE WHEN I COME HOME AND SEE MY WIFE AND KIDS
AND SOME FOOD ON THE TABLE LIKE MY FATHER USED TO HAVE.
WELL, JUST COME HOME A LITTLE LATER.
HA HA HA.
I'M SORRY. WHAT?
JAY, I'M SERIOUS. THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME.
THIS IS NOT THE MARRIAGE I SIGNED UP FOR.
YOUR JOB IS NOT AS IMPORTANT AS THE FAMILY.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
NO, LISTEN,
I UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED TO BE FULFILLED
AND ALL THAT OTHER NONSENSE,
BUT YOUR JOB IS STARTING TO INTERFERE
WITH YOUR DUTIES AS MOTHER AND WIFE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, MICHAEL? YOU ARE SUCH A MISOGYNIST.
YEAH, I WOULD LOVE A MASSAGE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND I'M NOT GETTING ENOUGH OF THOSE, EITHER.
WHAT YOU TRYING TO SAY,
I'M NOT DOING MY JOB AROUND HERE?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU'D HAVE TO BE SUPERWOMAN.
I BEG YOUR PARDON, I AM SUPERWOMAN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
NO, YOU'RE MORE LIKE BATGIRL.
YEAH YOU LOOK GOOD IN AN OUTFIT BUT YOU DON"T HAVE NO SUPERPOWERS.
I'M NOT BATGIRL.
ALL RIGHT, THEN YOU'RE WONDER WOMAN,
'CAUSE EVERY TIME I COME HOME,
I'M WONDERING, "WHERE'S MY WOMAN?"
JAY, LISTEN, BABY, I DIDN'T MARRY SUPERWOMAN.
I MARRIED JAY MARIE JOHNSON.
OKAY? YOU ADDED ALL THIS OTHER STUFF.
AND I CAN DO ALL THAT OTHER STUFF
AND STILL TAKE CARE OF YOU
AND EVERYTHING ELSE MY FAMILY NEEDS,
AND I'M GONNA PROVE IT TO YOU. HOW?
IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS, I AM GOING
TO TAKE A SHOWER, CHANGE MY CLOTHES,
COOK DINNER, CHECK EVERYBODY'S HOMEWORK,
WASH FOUR LOADS OF LAUNDRY AND TWO LOADS OF DISHES.
AND WHAT ABOUT TAKING CARE OF ME?
OH, BABY, SINCE YOU THINK THAT I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR EVERYTHING, YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
I'M GOING TO BE WATCHING YOU TAKE THAT SHOWER.
HEY, KIDS, HOW Y'ALL DOING?
HEY, DADDY. HEY, DAD.
HEY, GUYS.
LOOK AT THIS -- MOM'S COOKING
A NICE MEAL FOR THE FAMILY.
WE'RE GOING TO SIT DOWN AND ENJOY IT,
SOME TIME TOGETHER.
I'M GOING TO MY ROOM. NO, NO, NO, SIT DOWN.
YOUR MOM'S GOING OUT OF HER WAY.
YOU'RE GOING TO EAT WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
AND I'M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.
HEY, HEY. SIT DOWN. WHAT'S WRONG?
IT'S THIS NEW KID AT SCHOOL.
HE'S BEEN RAGGING ON JUNIOR FOR WEEKS.
RAGGING ON YOU HOW?
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
WHAT, IS HE PUSHING YOU AROUND?
YEAH, HE IS, DADDY.
HE TAKES JUNIOR'S HAT OFF, HE WON'T GIVE IT BACK,
AND HE MAKES FUN OF HIM.
WHAT DOES HE SAY?
HE SAID I WAS SO UGLY WHEN I WAS BORN
THAT THE DOCTOR ALMOST CIRCUMCISED MY NOSE.
AND EVERYONE WAS LAUGHING AT ME.
I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM. WHY DIDN'T YOU?
BECAUSE HE'S HUGE AND HE'D KILL ME.
AND THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO HANDLE IT, JUNIOR.
YOU'VE GOT TO FIGHT BACK WITH YOUR MOUTH.
YEAH, BITE HIM.
NO, THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEAN.
YOU GOT TO FIGHT BACK WITH WORDS.
I TRIED. REALLY? WHAT'D YOU SAY?
I SAID HIS HEAD WAS SO BIG, HE MUST NEED A REALLY BIG HAT.
THAT'S IT?
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
HE'S GOT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, BABY.
HEY.
WHAT'S UP, DADDY?
HEY, FOR SHEEZY WAHEEZY
OFF THE HEEZY CHUCKY CHEESY.
SIT DOWN AND JOIN THE FAMILY.
MOVE IT, JUNIOR.
OKAY, I MADE EVERYBODY'S INDIVIDUAL FAVORITE --
CURRY CHICKEN FOR DADDY,
GRILLED VEGETABLES FOR CLAIRE,
HAMBURGER FOR JUNIOR,
AND MACARONI AND CHEESE AND BROCCOLI FOR THE BABY.
VERY IMPRESSIVE.
NOT FOR SUPERWOMAN.
MIGHTY MOUSE. UM...
BABY, SIT DOWN. WE'RE GOING TO HELP JUNIOR
LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE DOZENS.
OH, I USED TO BE GOOD AT THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE, UM,
"YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,
SHE BROKE HER LEG AND GRAVY POURED OUT"?
HOW ABOUT, "YOUR DADDY'S SO OLD,
HE KNEW BURGER KING WHEN HE WAS JUST A PRINCE"?
YOUR FEET ARE SO STINKY, YOUR SHOES RAN AWAY.
SEE, THIS RUNS IN YOUR GENES, SON.
THERE'S NO WAY THIS GUY CAN BEAT YOU.
HERE, TRY THIS ONE -- YOUR MAMA'S SO FAT,
SHE COMES FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE FAMILY.
WHO IS THIS KID?
HIS NAME IS GEORGE BLAKE.
HIS FAMILY MOVED INTO THE DUNNIGANS' OLD HOUSE.
WHY DON'T WE INVITE THE BLAKES OVER, RIGHT?
WE'LL WINE AND DINE THEM, THEN WE'LL PICK THEIR BRAINS
AND FIND OUT THEIR KID'S WEAKNESSES ARE,
AND THEN YOU CAN USE THAT STUFF AGAINST HIM.
YOU PUSH THE BUTTONS.
SEE, THAT'S HOW HE GOT TO YOU,
'CAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID THAT SOME OF THAT STUFF
ABOUT YOU BEING AN UGLY BABY IS TRUE.
AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IS NOT TRUE.
YOU WERE A BEAUTIFUL BABY.
THANKS, MOM.
THEY DID TAKE A COUPLE INCHES OFF YOUR NOSE THOUGH.
OH, JANET, THAT KEY LIME PIE WAS INCREDIBLE.
THANK YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PIECE FOR YOUR SON?
OH, HE'S ON A DIET.
HE HAD A LITTLE BIT OF A WEIGHT PROBLEM,
SO WE SENT HIM TO ONE OF THOSE CAMPS.
OH, YEAH, REALLY?
SUGAR WOODS.
IT'S FOR THE EXTRA HUSKY BOY.
PERSONALLY, I THINK IT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP.
IF HE HADN'T LOST THOSE 60 POUNDS,
HE'D HAVE A SHOT AT A FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP.
OF COURSE, HE COULDN'T FIT HIS HEAD INSIDE THE HELMET.
HE MUST HAVE A REALLY BIG HEAD.
WEARS A SIZE 14 HAT.
[ WHISTLES ]
HOW DO YOU FIND A HAT THAT BIG?
WHAT, DO YOU SEW TWO 7s TOGETHER?
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
I USED TO DO A LOT OF SEWING,
AND GEORGIE WAS MY LITTLE DRESSMAKER DUMMY.
I USED TO PIN THE FABRIC FOR THE DRESSES AROUND HIM,
AND HE WOULD GIGGLE AND GIGGLE.
IT WAS SO CUTE.
OH, THAT IS SO CUTE. ISN'T THAT CUTE, MICHAEL?
IT'S ADORABLE.
SWEETIE, WE'D BETTER HEAD ON HOME.
YOU KNOW HOW GEORGIE-POO
HATES BEING IN THE HOUSE BY HIMSELF.
I KNOW HOW HE HATES BEING CALLED GEORGIE-POO.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY.
NO, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT, VERY INFORMATIVE.
NICE TO GET TO KNOW THE NEIGHBORS.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
TELL GEORGIE-POO
WE SAID HI.
OKAY, BYE.
KADY. KADY! STOP THAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
EW.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, SHE'S SEAT-SNIFFING.
WHAT?
YOU KNOW, YOU SNIFF THE CUSHIONS
WHEN SOMEBODY LEAVES,
KIND OF GET THE FLAVOR OF WHO THEY ARE.
YOU NEVER DID THAT?
DID THAT? I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
WELL, ALL MY FAMILY DID IT --
MY BROTHERS, ME, I DID IT.
IT WAS A LITTLE GAME WE PLAYED.
THAT'S NOT A GAME, THAT'S WEIRD.
AND EVERYBODY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
NEVER DID THAT.
OH, SURE. YOU PROBABLY JUST DIDN'T NOTICE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK YOU'RE A SNIFFEE.
OKAY, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
WHEN WE SIT DOWN ON THIS SOFA, THESE KIDS
COME DOWN HERE AND -- NO, NO, NO.
WE'RE FAMILY. THAT WOULD BE DISGUSTING.
IT'S ONLY PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY.
YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THERE ARE SEAT SNIFFING RULES?
WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE MAJOR ONE,
WHICH IS YOU GOT TO GET TO THE SEAT
WITHIN 15 SECONDS.
OTHERWISE THE SMELL EVAPORATES.
UNLESS YOU GOT THE PLASTIC SLIPCOVERS.
OH, MICHAEL!
THAT'S GROSS, MICHAEL. THAT'S NASTY.
NO, IT'S CUTE. YOU SEE THE LITTLE FACE?
THAT'S NOT CUTE. THAT'S NOT CUTE.
RELAX, BABY. IT'S JUST A PHASE.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A PHASE.
IT'S GOT TO STOP. THAT IS JUST NASTY.
EW.
MICHAEL!
KADY.
YEAH, MOMMY?
BABY, WHERE DID YOU LEARN ALL THIS SEAT-SNIFFING STUFF?
IT'S JUST FUN.
WELL, MOMMY DOESN'T THINK IT'S VERY GOOD.
WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME SEE YOUR MOUTH.
BABY!
WHEN DID YOUR TEETH FALL OUT?
YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY?
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MOMMY?
BECAUSE YOU WERE AT WORK.
OH, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY I MISSED IT.
BUT DON'T WORRY, OKAY?
WE'RE GOING TO CALL THE TOOTH FAIRY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
LAST NIGHT I GOT $5 FROM THE TOOTH BROTHER.
THAT WAS SOME ANSWER YOU GAVE
IN MATH CLASS, JUNIOR. YOU'RE SO DUMB,
WHEN THEY TOLD YOU 2 PLUS 2 IS 4,
YOU PROBABLY ASKED, "FOR WHAT?"
OH, YEAH? WELL, YOU'RE SO DUMB,
YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL "I.Q."
HA HA HA.
YOU'RE SO IGNORANT, YOU THINK MILK OF MAGNESIA
COMES FROM CHINESE COWS.
AND WHEN YOU WERE BORN, YOU WERE SO UGLY,
THE DOCTOR SLAPPED YOUR MAMA.
WELL, I MAY BE UGLY, BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT
SOME OLD HUSKY BOY
WHOSE MAMA PUT DRESSES ON HIM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL,
AN UGLY LITTLE GIRL WITH A BIG HEAD
WHO CRIES LIKE A BABY
ANY TIME HE'S LEFT ALONE IN HIS OWN HOUSE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YOU SUGAR WOODS FAT BOY
CAMP DROPOUT?
GEORGIE-POO.
YEAH.
HEY, DON'T TOUCH MY BROTHER!
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, STRING BEAN?
OHH!
YOU BROKE MY NOSE.
YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, KYLE.
HOW YOU DOING, CHAMP?
HOW YOU THINK I'M DOING?
YOU SHOULD BE DOING GREAT. YOU WON.
I DIDN'T WIN. CLAIRE WON.
NOW THIS GUY'S GOING TO KILL ME.
I CAN'T GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
NO, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
DAD, HE SAID IF I GO BACK TO SCHOOL,
I'M DEAD MEAT.
JUNIOR, YOU CAN NEVER LET A MAN
PUT THAT KIND OF FEAR IN YOU.
HAVE YOU SEEN HOW BIG HE IS?
HE'S NOT JUSTAMAN, HE'S A CROWD.
LOOK, SON,
IF YOU DON'T STAND UP FOR YOURSELF NOW,
YOU'LL BE BACKING DOWN THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I CAN LIVE WITH THAT.
YEAH, WELL, I CAN'T.
NOW, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU HAVE TO FIGHT HIM.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO PLAY THE DOZENS.
BUT YOU GOT TO LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.
EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO WALK AWAY,
YOU LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.
YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT, DAD,
THAT I COULD JUST WALK AWAY?
YEAH. IF HE'S AS BIG AS YOU SAY HE IS, WALK FAST.
AND WALK UP A HILL
AND DROP SOME TWINKIES EVERY 2 OR 3 YARDS.
WHAT'S UP, MOMMY?
COME HERE.
BABY, I JUST WANT TO HUG YOU.
COME HERE. OOH!
HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU LATELY?
MOM, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING "OPRAH" AGAIN?
NO, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN WATCHING MY FAMILY, EITHER.
CLAIRE, BABY, WHY DID YOU HIT THAT BOY?
IT WAS INSTINCT, MOM. THAT KID HIT JUNIOR,
AND THE NEXT THING I KNEW, I PUNCHED HIM.
CLAIRE, I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER OUT THERE FIGHTING.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS FACE.
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO THIS FACE.
THEN LET GO OF IT.
SORRY.
LOOK, BABY,
LISTEN TO ME REALLY, REALLY CAREFULLY.
MEN PRIDE THEMSELVES ON BEING WARRIORS,
AND IF YOU MAKE A MAN FEEL LIKE HE'S NOT A WARRIOR,
THEN HE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE A MAN.
MOM, I AM NOT APOLOGIZING TO THAT FAT TUB OF LARD.
I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR BROTHER.
OH.
SEE, MEN SEE THEMSELVES AS PROVIDERS
AND PROTECTORS, AND IT'S OUR JOB
TO LET THEM BELIEVE THAT IT'S TRUE. OKAY?
THINK ABOUT IT.
COME IN.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO JUMP IN FRONT OF ME LIKE THAT.
I CAN FIGHT MY OWN BATTLES.
I KNOW THAT. I JUST FIGURED
IF YOU STARTED BEATING ON HIM,
YOU WOULD HAVE HURT HIM REALLY BADLY
AND GOTTEN YOURSELF INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
YEAH.
I MIGHT HAVE, YOU KNOW?
OH, I KNOW.
YEAH.
HA HA.
WHO ARE WE KIDDING?
THAT GUY WOULD HAVE KILLED ME.
BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
THE POINT IS YOU STOOD UP TO HIM,
PLAYING THE DOZENS.
I MEAN, HIM PICKING ON YOU, SEE, THAT WAS EASY.
YOU STANDING UP TO HIM, THAT WAS HARD.
WELL, ANYWAY, I GOT HOMEWORK.
YEAH, ME TOO.
HEY, CLAIRE. YEAH?
THANKS.
SURE THING.
YOU SURE GOT A PRETTY SMILE BACK THERE.
SHH. DON'T BOTHER ME.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
SHH. MICHAEL.
THAT'S IT. HEY, MOM, WE'RE DONE.
WE'RE GOING UPSTAIRS.
OKAY.
GOODBYE, CLAIRE,
HELLO, KADY.
YEAH, WATCH THIS, BABY. WATCH THIS.
[ SNIFFS ]
[ SNEEZES ]
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I PUT PEPPER ON ALL THE CUSHIONS.
DON'T WEAR WHITE FOR A WHILE.
JOB WELL DONE.
SEE? I'M TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS NOW.
I MISSED KADY'S FIRST TOOTH,
I WASN'T THERE FOR CLAIRE
WHEN SHE TURNED INTO SMOKIN' JOSEPHINE FRAZIER,
BUT NOW I'M ON TOP OF IT.
HMM. I'M PROUD OF CLAIRE, STICKING UP FOR HER BROTHER.
IT'S COOL THE WAY SHE POPPED THAT DUDE -- POP.
NO, THAT IS NOT COOL.
WE WILL NOT RAISE OUR CHILDREN
TO SETTLE THEIR CONFLICTS WITH VIOLENCE.
THEY HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO COMPROMISE.
WELL, IT'S HARD TO COMPROMISE
WHEN SOMEBODY KNOCKS YOU ON YOUR ASS.
MICHAEL, IT'S NOT THE SAME AS WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
THEY SHOOT NOWADAYS. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
CLAIRE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THAT FAR.
SHE ATTACKED THAT BOY.
HEY, YOU HIT ONE OF US, YOU HIT ALL OF US,
AND THE WRATH OF THE ENTIRE FAMILY
WILL BE VISITED UPON YOUR HEAD
AND THE HEADS OF YOUR CHILDREN
AND YOUR CHILDREN'S CHILDREN
UNTIL THE END OF TIME.
THANK YOU, OBI-WAN KE-BALDY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HOPE YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER THAN THAT TO SAY,
'CAUSE GEORGE'S FATHER IS COMING OVER HERE LATER
TO TALK ABOUT THE INCIDENT.
WHEN DID IT GET UPGRADED TO AN INCIDENT?
I THINK IT WAS WHEN THE WRATH OF CLAIRE'S FIST
WAS VISITED UPON GEORGE'S NOSE.
START THINKING HOW YOU'RE GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS MAN.
HAVE A SEAT, SON.
THIS WAS AN UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT.
WELL, I HARDLY THINK IT'S AN INCIDENT.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST, OUR KIDS GOT
A LITTLE OUT OF HAND, THAT'S ALL.
BUT YOUR DAUGHTER HIT MY KID.
SHE DAMN NEAR BROKE HIS NOSE.
WELL, THAT WAS AFTER YOUR SON HIT MY SON.
LOOK, MIKEY, I KNOW KIDS
ARE GOING TO BE KIDS, ALL RIGHT?
BUT IT'S OBVIOUS THAT GEORGE WAS PROVOKED.
LOOK, JOEY, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOUR SON
IS 10 TIMES THE SIZE OF MY SON.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE ARMS. THESE ARE LITTLE TOOTHPICKS.
HE CAN'T POSE A THREAT.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST HOPE
THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
COME ON, LET'S GO, SON.
YEAH, LET'S JUST HOPE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
'CAUSE IF IT DOES...
IF IT DOES, WHAT?
IF IT DOES, I MIGHT HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
AND JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY...
WHAT MIGHT THIS SOMETHING BE?
DAD!
NO, NO. I JUST WANT TO HEAR
THE PARAMETERS THAT I'M WORKING IN.
I JUST WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO
TAKE THE SITUATION INTO MY OWN HANDS.
IS THAT RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT. OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU TAKE THE SITUATION INTO YOUR HANDS,
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT DOWN
THE SANDWICHES AND THE MEATLOAF.
SO, WHAT, NOW YOU'RE CALLING ME FAT?
NO, I DIDN'T CALL YOU FAT. THE SCALE CALLS YOU FAT.
THE RICHTER SCALE CALLS YOU FAT.
I CALL YOU CHUBSY-WUBSY.
I'D RATHER BE FAT THAN BALD.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH, YOU LOOK LIKE A CORN DOG WITH EYEBROWS.
SO WHEN IS THE BABY DUE?
WHENEVER IT'S DUE,
IT'S GONNA HAVE MORE HAIR THAN YOU, BALDY.
IS THAT ALL YOU GOT IS THE BALD STUFF?
LOOK, I CAN GROW HAIR... WELL, AROUND HERE.
BUT YOU'RE UGLY. YOU CAN'T GROW HANDSOME.
DAD!
THAT'S IT. COME ON, LET'S GO.
WHAT, DO THEY HAVE A BUFFET OUTSIDE?
DAD! DAD!
REMEMBER, WALK AWAY.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
SHAKE.
IT WAS CHILDISH.
COME ON, DAD, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
I'LL GO BUY YOU SOME ICE CREAM.
NONFAT.
I'M SORRY, SON. I APOLOGIZE.
THAT WAS -- THAT WAS VERY CHILDISH.
THAT'S OKAY.
SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO WALK AWAY.
YOU WERE FUNNY, THOUGH.
YOU THINK SO? WHICH ONE DID YOU LIKE?
WHEN'S THE BABY DUE?
THAT WAS A KILLER, DAD.
COME ON, LET ME BUY YOU SOME ICE CREAM.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL GET YOU SOME ROGAINE.
YOU MEAN YOU ALMOST CAME TO BLOWS?
THAT'S RIGHT. HE'S LUCKY, TOO,
'CAUSE I WAS GOING TO HIT HIM LIKE THIS,
THEN I HIT HIM OVER THERE, THEN I HIT HIM UP THERE,
THEN I HIT HIM LIKE THIS,
THEN I HIT OVER THERE AND I HIT HIM RIGHT THERE.
OH, GOD!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
I DON'T KNOW.
BABY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN US,
TWO GROWN MEN ACTING LIKE 9-YEAR-OLDS.
YEAH.
I WOULD HAVE BEAT HIM, THOUGH.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY SCORED POINTS WITH YOUR SON.
HE THINKS YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
NO, I'M NOT THE GREATEST.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
YOU ARE SUPERWOMAN.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT?
SOMETIMES EVEN SUPERWOMAN NEEDS SUPERMAN
TO FLY IN AND STRAIGHTEN OUT HER CAPE.
THAT WOULD BE NICE.
AND I GUESS SUPERMAN
COULD USE HIS CAPE STRAIGHTENED OCCASIONALLY, TOO.
THAT WOULD BE NICE.
I GUESS IF I'M SUPERMAN,
I KNOW WHAT MY KRYPTONITE IS.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S MY FAMILY.
AND IF I'M SUPERWOMAN,
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY KRYPTONITE IS?
YOU. YOU'RE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME WEAK.
WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.
HA HA HA!
IT'S NOT THE SAME AS WHEN WE WERE KIDS.
THEY SHOOT NOWADAYS. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
CLAIRE DIDN'T HAVE TO ATTACK THAT BOY.
SHE ATTACKED THAT BOY -- HA HA.
HA!
I WASN'T THERE FOR CLAIRE
WHEN SHE TURNED INTO SMOKIN' JOSEPHINE FRAZIER,
BUT NOW I'M ON TOP OF IT.
I'M NOT.