JEREMY TAYLOR ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND.
NO, HE DOESN'T. THEY'RE JUST FRIENDS.
UNH-UNH. LISA BENNETT IS HIS GIRLFRIEND.
PLEASE, SHE'S ALL USED UP.
Junior: THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD.
[ SINGING ]
WELL, YOU HEARD WRONG.
LISA'S BEEN OUT WITH EVERYBODY.
I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT WITH HER.
EVEN LISA BENNETT HAS STANDARDS.
LOSER. OH, REALLY?
OH, YEAH, REALLY.
YOU'RE THE LOSER. YOU'RE THE LOSER.
WELL, AT LEAST I HAVE A "B" CUP.
BIG TALK COMING FROM A GUY
WHO HAS A PEACH-FUZZ MUSTACHE.
EVEN GRANDMA HAS MORE OF A MUSTACHE THAN YOU.
YOU WANT TO FIGHT? BRING IT ON.
OW!
HEY, HEY, HEY! SIT DOWN NOW!
MICHAEL, WHAT'S HAPPENING OVER HERE?
NO, KADY, BABY, NO, NO, NO, NO!
MICHAEL, HELLO?
DID YOU NOT SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE?
YEAH, THE KIDS ARE PLAYING, AND SO ARE THE KNICKS.
Man on TV: THE KNICKS AND THE LAKERS
FROM THE INFAMOUS HOUSE OF BASKETBALL --
MADISON SQUARE GARDENS HERE IN MANHATTAN.
MICHAEL, YOU KNOW I HATE IT WHEN YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME.
HUH?
HONEY, WE WORK ALL WEEK LONG. SATURDAY IS FAMILY DAY.
I KNOW, BUT I WANT TO SPEND IT WITH MY NBA FAMILY.
LOOK, THERE GOES COUSIN SHAQ.
I REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS LITTLE, AND HE WAS THAT BIG.
HE USED TO LOVE TO WATCH HIS MOTHER JUMP UP
AND SPANK HIS BEHIND.
HEY, YOU!
UNH-UNH, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO IGNORE ME.
I AM NOT GOING AWAY.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU PLUG THE CABLE IN YOUR EAR,
AND I'LL WATCH IT ON YOUR BEHIND?
EVEN PATRICK EWING WOULD BE CUTE ON THAT SCREEN.
FINE, MICHAEL, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT.
SIT HERE ALL DAY IGNORING YOUR FAMILY
WHILE YOUR CHILDREN RUN AMOK,
AND YOUR WIFE GROWS MORE AND MORE FRIGID.
ENJOY YOUR GAME.
OKAY.
I HATE THAT GUILT.
GO AHEAD, WIMP BOY.
GO AHEAD, KEEP THE PEACE, WIMP BOY.
[ Effeminate voice ] YES, COMING, DEAR!
WHOOPS!
JAY. [ Chuckles ]
HEY, LISTEN. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I HEARD YOU IN THERE.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
NO, I DIDN'T, BUT I'VE COME IN HERE
TO HUMBLE MYSELF, HOPING THAT MY SWEET WIFE
WILL LET ME WATCH THE GAME.
PLEASE. IT'S THE ONLY DAY I GET A CHANCE TO BE A GUY.
I WANT TO SIT AND SCRATCH THE BALLS OF MY FEET.
MICHAEL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
SERIOUSLY, LATELY I FEEL LIKE EVERY TIME I TRY
TO TALK TO YOU, YOU TUNE ME OUT.
I MIGHT AS WELL BE SPEAKING CHINESE.
I FEEL THE SAME WAY, LUCY LIU.
WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I SIT DOWN TO RELAX,
YOU FEEL THAT'S A SIGNAL TO GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO?
'CAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING TO DO IN THIS HOUSE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN, WRAP SOME OLD TOWELS
AROUND MY FEET, AND I'LL SIT THERE,
AND I'LL POLISH THE FURNITURE WHILE I WATCH THE GAME.
LOOK HOW FAR I CAN REACH.
I'M NOT PLAYING WITH YOU, MICHAEL.
THIS IS THE WEEKEND. THIS IS THE ONLY TIME
WE CAN DO SOMETHING TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
WELL, I HOPE THE FAMILY LIKES BASKETBALL,
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO LET MY HAIR DOWN
AND WATCH THE GAME.
FINE. FINE, FINE. YOU WATCH YOUR STUPID BASKETBALL GAME
WHILE I RAISE THE CHILDREN THAT WE HAD TOGETHER
ALL BY MYSELF.
OH, COME ON, JAY, THE KIDS ARE NOT GOING TO GROW UP
THAT MUCH BETWEEN NOW AND 4:00.
UGH!
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PROMOTE SOMETHING
THAT NOBODY ELSE WANTS?
BECAUSE I WANT IT.
OKAY, YOU WANT FAMILY TIME? FINE.
HEY, KIDS, Y'ALL COME ON IN HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
NOTHING, WE'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE FAMILY TIME.
WHAT'S UP, DAD?
AND I HOPE THIS IS GOOD -- I JUST REACHED LEVEL 5.
I'M HAPPY TO HEAR THAT, SON,
BUT YOUR MOM FEELS A SUDDEN NEED TO BOND.
I WAS GLITTERING MY NAILS.
OH, SIT DOWN. THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING, KADY?
POOPING.
YOU CLENCH THAT THOUGHT.
'CAUSE I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE FAMILY TIME!
EW.
HUH?
LOOK, I KNOW WE HAVE A 4,500 SQUARE FOOT HOME,
BUT YOUR MOM IS HAPPY
WHEN WE'RE WITHIN INCHES OF EACH OTHER.
SO, COME ON EVERYBODY, COME CLOSE. COME CLOSE.
IT'S FAMILY TIME.
♪ WE ARE FAMILY ♪
♪ CAUSE MAMA WON'T LET ME SEE TV ♪
MICHAEL!
WHAT? IT'S PART OF THE FAMILY TIME.
IT'S FAMILY BANTER. A LITTLE JOKING.
OKAY, SO, SON, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT PLANNED FOR TODAY?
FIVE MINUTES AGO, I WAS UPSTAIRS IN MY ROOM
ENJOYING MYSELF.
BUT NOW I'M BACK DOWNSTAIRS, STARING AT MY SISTER
WHO, BY THE WAY, I REALLY HATE.
RIGHT BACK AT YOU.
WELL, WE'RE OFF TO A GREAT START HERE.
THEY'RE GOING TO A BOWLING PARTY.
OH, CLAIRE'S GOING BOWLING?
THAT'S RIGHT.
MY BLACK AMERICAN PRINCESS GOING BOWLING?
HEAVY LIFTING, STINKY SHOES? THAT'S NOT YOUR THING.
JEREMY TAYLOR'S HER THING.
WHO IS JEREMY TAYLOR?
THE DORK SHE'S IN LOVE WITH.
HE'S NOT A DORK. IS TOO.
IS NOT.
WELL, BABY, IF JUNIOR SAYS HE'S A DORK,
THEN I GOT TO BELIEVE HIM,
BECAUSE HE'S AN EXPERT IN THAT DEPARTMENT.
HA HA HA HA!
THIS IS FUN. WATCH THIS.
♪ JEREMY AND CLAIRE SITTING IN A TREE ♪
HELP ME OUT, KADY.
♪ K-I-S-S-L-M-N-O-P ♪
[ Sing-song voice ] CLAIRE'S IN LOVE.
OKAY, THAT'S IT. I'M TOO MATURE FOR THIS.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
Junior: CLAIRE'S IN LOVE.
JUNIOR!
MICHAEL, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
NOT QUITE. THERE'S STILL A LITTLE MORE FAMILY AROUND.
HEY, KADY, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TODAY?
FLUSH.
AFTER YOU FLUSH, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
I WANT TO WATCH "POWERPUFF GIRLS" IN THERE.
IN THERE, ON THAT TELEVISION?
WELL, YOU CAN'T.
WHY?
BECAUSE THE "POWERPUFF GIRLS" ARE AT HOME
WATCHING THE BASKETBALL GAME.
THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, DADDY?
HMM, WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE AND SPIN AROUND REAL FAST
IN THE BACKYARD TILL YOU FALL DOWN?
YEAH!
YAY!
WELL, I BELIEVE MY WORK HERE IS DONE.
FAMILY TIME -- IT'S FANTASTIC.
MICHAEL?
HMM?
MICHAEL?
WHAT? I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE,
BUT THE KIDS HAVE GOT THEIR OWN STUFF GOING ON.
THAT'S FINE, MICHAEL. I SURRENDER.
I'M THROUGH ARGUING.
MM-HMM.
I JUST WANT YOU TO DO ME ONE FAVOR.
SURE, BABE.
[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]
RIGHT, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!
ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT?
THAT'S GREAT.
JUST GREAT, HONEY!
I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!
WHOO!
WHAT THE HELL DID SHE JUST SAY?
HEY, SON.
WHATEVER IT IS, I DIDN'T DO IT.
OH, YOU DIDN'T LOSE A $100 BILL? OKAY.
I'LL PUT IT BACK.
SO, HOW'S SCHOOL?
WHY ARE YOU HERE, DAD?
YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO HEAR WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID
THAT SHE AND I ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING LATER ON?
NO, THE LAST THING I HEARD HER SAY WAS,
"JUNIOR, TURN OFF THOSE 'POWER RANGERS'
AND GO TO BED."
HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT?
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO.
ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
OH, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,
I DO REMEMBER HER SAYING SOMETHING
ABOUT CLEANING THE BASEMENT.
CLEANING THE BASEMENT. ARE YOU SURE?
NOT REAL SURE ABOUT ANYTHING, DAD.
AS YOU WERE.
OH, JEREMY, STOP IT. I'M NOT THAT CUTE.
HA HA HA! SERIOUSLY? OH, THANKS. HA HA!
HEY, CAN I COME IN?
SURE.
WOW, THAT'S A GREAT SWEATER YOU GOT ON.
YOU KNOW, YOUR MOM HAS ONE JUST LIKE THIS.
NOT ANYMORE.
YOU'RE GOING TO WEAR THAT TO THE BOWLING PARTY?
WHY, DO YOU HATE IT?
NO, I THINK IT LOOKS GREAT.
PERFECT, NOW I GOT TO GO CHANGE.
HA HA HA HA! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS
WHAT YOUR MOTHER WANTS TO DO WITH ME LATER.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT?
GO AHEAD, GUESS.
BUT YOU JUST SAID I NEVER WOULD.
I WANT YOU TO TRY AND GUESS.
WHAT'S THE POINT IN TRYING -- JUST GUESS.
YOU WEREN'T LISTENING TO HER, WERE YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YEAH, I WAS LISTENING.
WERE YOU?
OOH, I'M TELLING MOM
THAT YOU WERE NOT LISTENING TO HER --
SHH.
RIGHT AFTER SHE JUST FINISHED TELLING YOU,
"MICHAEL, YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME."
OKAY, LET'S SAY I WASN'T LISTENING.
OOH, I'M TELLING!
SHH!
OKAY, IF YOU --
OOH!
LOOK, I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY.
SO CAN I.
YEAH?
DADDY? DAD!
DADDY!
OKAY, WE CAN DO THIS THE HARD WAY
OR THE EASY WAY. WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?
I DON'T KNOW NOTHING.
YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOUR MOMMY TOLD YOUR DADDY TO DO?
THAT'S MY STORY, AND I'M STICKING TO IT.
IF I HAVE TO, I'LL TICKLE IT OUT OF YOU.
IF I HAVE TO, I'LL CALL MY LAWYER.
AND WHO'S YOUR LAWYER?
MOMMY.
ALL RIGHT, KNUCKLES. LET'S MAKE A DEAL.
YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING, ANYTHING,
AND THE NEXT TIME YOU PEE THE BED,
I'LL TELL MOMMY I DID IT.
DEAL.
MM-KAY, WHAT YOU GOT FOR ME?
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
"BOOM, BOOM, BOOM" -- I'M LISTENING. KEEP TALKING.
MOMMY'S CAR GOES, "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM."
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
"BOOM, BOOM." THAT'S IT --
SHE WANTS ME TO GET HER CAR SERVICED.
OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. YOU ARE SUCH A LITTLE --
AW, THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO SEE.
YEP, JUST SPENDING SOME NON-NBA QUALITY TIME
WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITE GIRLS.
YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT.
AND SPEAKING OF ONE OF MY FAVORITE GIRLS,
I'M ABOUT TO HEAD OUT AND TAKE YOUR CAR TO THE SHOP,
GET IT TUNED UP.
GET THE WHEELS ALIGNED, AND, YOU KNOW, OIL CHANGE,
GET RID OF THAT "BOOM, BOOM, BOOM."
BABY, YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME? THAT IS SO SWEET!
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TAKE THAT THING IN FOREVER.
AND I'VE BEEN SO BUSY,
AND I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU TO DO IT, BUT --
YOU DIDN'T ASK ME TO DO IT?
NO.
WELL, I GUESS I'LL TAKE THE KIDS
TO THE BOWLING PARTY.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT, TOO.
I'LL CALL UP JEREMY'S MOM AND TELL HER
SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO TAKE THEM.
OH, SO I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO TAKE THEM.
SO, I GUESS I'LL JUST PICK THEM UP?
SWEETIE, WHAT DID YOU DO, DID YOU TAKE SOME KIND
OF GOOD HUSBAND PILL TODAY OR SOMETHING?
WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR ME?
CLEAN THE BASEMENT?
I GAVE UP TRYING TO GET JUNIOR TO DO THAT
FIVE YEARS AGO.
BABY, YOU ARE THE BEST GUY IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO TONIGHT.
HEY, UM, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO WEAR TONIGHT
FOR THIS THING WE'RE GOING TO DO?
OH, WELL, THAT'S A SURPRISE,
BUT, UH, I PROMISE YOU YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE IT.
YOU JUST DO YOUR PART.
OH, YEAH, I'LL DO MY PART.
I'M DEAD.
THAT'S A FACT, JACK.
NO, HE DIDN'T. HE DID? NO, HE DIDN'T!
GIRL, NOW YOU KNOW MEN DON'T LISTEN.
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.
OH, GRETCHEN, GRETCHEN,
NOW, YOU KNOW IT'S ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION.
GIRL, DON'T SLASH HIS TIRES.
I'M NOT BAILING YOU OUT AGAIN.
YEAH, GIRL, LOOK, JUST TELL ME EVERYTHING.
YOU GOT ME ALL RILED UP. GIVE ME DETAILS.
JAY, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
[ SPEAKING CHINESE ]
WHAT?WHAT?
YEAH.
CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?
YEAH, SURE, I'D LOVE TO. YEAH.
OKAY. HEY, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.
YEAH, ME, TOO. ME, TOO.
YEAH, YEAH, GIRL.
OH, UH, GRETCHEN, LET ME CALL YOU BACK.
HOLD ON, DID YOU HAPPEN TO HEAR ANY OF -- NEVER MIND.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HEY, BABY.
HEY, WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO?
I'VE BEEN SLAVING OVER A STOVE
MAKING THAT PEACH COBBLER THAT YOU LIKE.
OOH.
WOW, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT?
YOU DON'T WANT IT?
NO, I WANT PEACH COBBLER, BUT...WHOO, MAN,
WHAT A DAY.
FIRST BASKETBALL, THEN PEACH COBBLER.
THAT'S MY SECOND AND THIRD MOST FAVORITE THING
IN THE WORLD.
OH, THEN WHY DON'T YOU COME ON UPSTAIRS
AND I'LL GIVE YOU THE NUMBER ONE THING
ON YOUR LIST?
YOU GOT HALLE BERRY UPSTAIRS?
HALLE BERRY AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON ME,
AND IN FIVE MINUTES, NEITHER WILL I.
WOW.
NOTHING. I SAID NOTHING.
COME ON, TIGER.
SO, DID I DO THAT THING FOR YOU?
YEAH, TWICE. YOU KNOW, MY EYES ROLLED BACK
SO FAR IN MY HEAD I THOUGHT I WAS BLIND?
THANK GOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT?
I HOPE I HAVE ENERGY LEFT FOR LATER ON
WHEN WE DO THAT THING WE WERE GOING TO DO. REMEMBER?
REMEMBER? HOW CAN I FORGET?
DID YOUR EYES ROLL BACK?
YEAH. OHH.
YOU KNOW WHAT, JUNIOR?
I'M GOING TO COME BACK IN ANOTHER LIFE,
AND I'LL HATE YOU THEN.
HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS HATE?
THIS STUPID JERK PLAYED A PRACTICAL JOKE ON ME.
I WAS THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE WHOLE BOWLING ALLEY,
AND NOW JEREMY TAYLOR THINKS I'M A FREAK.
WELL, WHAT DID YOU DO?
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE TELLING ME
HOW YOU PLAYED A JOKE ON COUSIN FREDDIE
WHEN YOU WERE KIDS?
HA HA HA. WHEN I GLUED HIS FINGERS
IN THE BOWLING BALL.
YEAH, THAT ONE.
HA HA. YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HOW STUPID HE LOOKED
WALKING AROUND WITH THE BALL.
WE CALLED HIM "FREDDIE BOWLING HAND."
HA HA HA!
WELL, IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY.
I MEAN, IT WAS AMUSING.
I'LL BE OUT THERE.
WOW. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
SO DO YOU.
YEAH, I JUST HAD MY HEAD POLISHED.
WHERE ARE THE KIDS?
THEY'RE IN THE KITCHEN EATING DINNER.
EATING DINNER?
I THOUGHT WE WERE ALL GOING OUT FOR DINNER.
WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE AGREED ON.
YOU WEREN'T LISTENING TO ME, WERE YOU?
WHAT, WHEN?
YOU. WHEN I CAME IN HERE THIS MORNING,
AND YOU WERE WATCHING YOUR STUPID BASKETBALL GAME,
AND I SAID MICHAEL...
MICHAEL.
WHAT? I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE,
BUT THE KIDS GOT THEIR OWN STUFF GOING ON.
THAT'S FINE, MICHAEL. I SURRENDER.
I'M THROUGH ARGUING.
I JUST WANT YOU TO DO ME ONE FAVOR --
SURE, BABE.
WHEN THE KIDS COME BACK FROM THEIR PARTY,
LET'S GO OUT FOR A NICE DINNER.
LET'S GO!
YEAH, OUT! JUST THE FAMILY.
NO WORK, NO TELEVISION, JUST YOU, ME, AND THE KIDS.
ARE YOU OKAY WITH THAT?
THAT'S GREAT.
JUST GREAT! HONEY!
I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.
THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!
WHOO! WHOO!
AND YOU DIDN'T HEAR A WORD I SAID.
BUT I TOLD YOU THAT.
DID NOT. WHEN DID YOU TELL ME THAT?
YES, I DID, WHEN YOU WERE ON THE PHONE IN THE KITCHEN.
I WALKED IN, YOU WERE GABBING,
"NO, YOU DIDN'T. YES, YOU DID."
JAY? YEAH.
CAN I TALK TO YOU? UH-HUH.
LISTEN, BABY, YOU WERE RIGHT.
I DIDN'T HEAR A WORD YOU SAID TO ME THIS MORNING.
AND I REALLY FEEL BAD, BECAUSE YOU'RE MY QUEEN, BABY.
AND WHEN YOU WALK IN THE ROOM,
YOU DESERVE MY UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.
I WANT TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
UH-HUH.
SO TONIGHT I'M GOING TO FEED THE KIDS EARLY,
THEN YOU AND I ARE GOING OUT, DINNER AND DANCING.
WHAT?
WE HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN A LONG TIME.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL ROSA.
WOULD YOU DO THAT FOR ME?
YEAH, SURE, I'D LOVE TO, YEAH.
OKAY. HEY, I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.
YEAH, ME, TOO, ME, TOO.
IT FEELS SO GOOD.
GOOD, UH-HUH.
SO, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF,
MISS "COMMUNICATION"?
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND HALLE BERRY.
SHUT UP.
I GUESS YOU DIDN'T CALL ROSA,
'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME ASK YOU TO CALL ROSA.
NO, NO, NO.
WELL, THEN WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE CEREAL
WITH THE KIDS FOR DINNER.
OH, NO. I DON'T GET ALL DRESSED UP, MAKE COBBLER,
AND HAVE SEX FOR SOME CAP'N CRUNCH.
THE KIDS ARE BIG ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.
HEY, HOW'S YOUR HAND?
WELL, I CAN FINALLY FEEL MY FINGERS NOW.
GOOD, WELL, YOUR DAD AND I ARE GOING OUT FOR DINNER.
WE'RE LEAVING YOU IN CHARGE OF YOURSELVES.
YOU KNOW THE RULES. YES, MOM.
IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW THEM,
WE'RE GOING TO TELL YOU THEM ONE MORE TIME. JUNIOR...
[ BOTH SPEAKING CHINESE ]
YOU KNOW I HATE IT WHEN YOU IGNORE ME.
HMM?
HONEY, WE WORK ALL WEEKNONG.
YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND ME.
I MEAN, I REALLY WANT TO WATCH THE GAME,
AND I DON'T KNOW MY LINE.