1 00:02:28,547 --> 00:02:29,880 I was dreamin'. 2 00:02:31,213 --> 00:02:33,463 Dreamin' my dick was out and I was checking to see 3 00:02:33,630 --> 00:02:36,838 if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again. 4 00:02:37,005 --> 00:02:40,047 If it had, I was gonna name that bump after my ex-wife, cilla, 5 00:02:40,213 --> 00:02:41,838 and bust it by jackin' off. 6 00:02:42,005 --> 00:02:43,005 Oh, man. 7 00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:44,963 Or I 'd like to think that's what I'd do. 8 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:48,088 Dreams let you think like that. 9 00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:52,422 Truth was, [hadn't had a hard-on in years. 10 00:03:15,547 --> 00:03:17,047 Oh, man. 11 00:03:48,963 --> 00:03:51,963 My god, man. How long have ibeen here? 12 00:03:52,547 --> 00:03:55,588 Am I really awake now, or am [just dreamin' I'm awake? 13 00:03:56,088 --> 00:03:59,172 How could my plans have gone so wrong? 14 00:03:59,338 --> 00:04:01,380 When the hell are they gonna serve lunch? 15 00:04:01,547 --> 00:04:04,297 Considerin' what they serve, why the hell do I care? 16 00:04:05,963 --> 00:04:09,672 If Priscilla discovered I was alive, would she come and see me? 17 00:04:09,838 --> 00:04:11,463 Would we still wanna fuck? 18 00:04:11,630 --> 00:04:13,797 Or would we merely have to talk about it? 19 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,838 Is there, finally and really, 20 00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:19,297 anything to life other than food, shit, and sex? 21 00:04:27,047 --> 00:04:28,713 Well, goddamnit. 22 00:04:31,547 --> 00:04:34,713 How could I have gone from the "king of rock and roll" to this? 23 00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:39,047 Old guy in a rest home in east Texas with a growth on his pecker. 24 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:59,213 And what is that growth, man? 25 00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:02,047 Cancer? Nobody's talkin'. 26 00:05:02,547 --> 00:05:05,672 No one seems to know... Or wants to. 27 00:06:08,838 --> 00:06:11,314 Makes you wonder, doesn't it, what kind of life this old guy had? 28 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,463 Huh? 29 00:06:12,630 --> 00:06:16,380 What kind of life he had, you know. His kids, his grandkids, his legacy. 30 00:06:16,547 --> 00:06:17,630 Look at him now. 31 00:06:17,797 --> 00:06:19,422 Oh, who gives a shit? 32 00:06:44,005 --> 00:06:45,213 Huh? 33 00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,505 Well... 34 00:07:06,797 --> 00:07:08,005 Hmm. 35 00:07:13,672 --> 00:07:15,088 Make you comfortable. 36 00:08:56,380 --> 00:08:57,713 Oh! 37 00:09:03,838 --> 00:09:06,338 I'm gonna squish you, cockroach! 38 00:09:53,713 --> 00:09:55,213 [Gaspsi 39 00:10:10,672 --> 00:10:12,172 Help me. 40 00:10:54,213 --> 00:10:56,047 Easy, easy, easy. 41 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,213 You know, I was thinkin'... 42 00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:08,547 What? You gonna get all weepy on me again? 43 00:11:08,713 --> 00:11:10,380 No, I was merely gonna suggest 44 00:11:10,547 --> 00:11:12,547 that you use some of this here deodorizer 45 00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:16,172 and spray it on that corpse because she's smellin' pretty ripe. 46 00:11:18,422 --> 00:11:21,130 Ugh! Good idea. 47 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,088 Excuse me, miss? 48 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,030 You gonna throw all that stuff out? 49 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:38,922 Yeah. 50 00:12:39,588 --> 00:12:42,005 Could I have one of them pictures of bull? 51 00:12:42,713 --> 00:12:44,838 Maybe his... his purple heart? 52 00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,255 I mean, he was pretty proud of that. 53 00:12:48,422 --> 00:12:51,922 And maybe that... That tin of chocolates there? 54 00:12:54,297 --> 00:12:55,547 Isuppose. 55 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:04,713 The revealin' of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional. 56 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,297 She just didn't give a damn. 57 00:13:06,463 --> 00:13:09,463 She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatenin', 58 00:13:09,630 --> 00:13:12,755 she didn't mind if! Got a bird's-eye view of her love nest. 59 00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:15,672 It was the same to her as a house cat sneakin' a peek. 60 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:20,547 I felt my pecker flutter once like a pigeon havin' a heart attack... 61 00:13:21,172 --> 00:13:23,880 Then it laid back down and remained limp and still. 62 00:13:24,547 --> 00:13:27,422 'Course, these days, even a flutter was kind of reassurin'. 63 00:13:30,547 --> 00:13:31,547 Thank you. 64 00:13:32,380 --> 00:13:33,463 Say... 65 00:13:34,130 --> 00:13:35,422 Bull your kin? 66 00:13:35,588 --> 00:13:36,755 My daddy. 67 00:13:39,213 --> 00:13:40,755 Never seen you here before. 68 00:13:41,797 --> 00:13:44,922 I've only been here once before. When I checked him in. 69 00:13:46,422 --> 00:13:48,005 That's three years ago, wasn't it? 70 00:13:49,713 --> 00:13:50,838 You and him friends? 71 00:13:51,005 --> 00:13:52,047 No, we was just roommates. 72 00:13:52,213 --> 00:13:54,088 I mean, he never felt good enough to say much. 73 00:13:54,922 --> 00:13:58,088 I just hated to see what was left of him go away so easy. 74 00:14:00,547 --> 00:14:02,130 Seemed like an all right guy. 75 00:14:02,922 --> 00:14:06,630 Mentioned you a lot. You're... you're Callie, right? 76 00:14:07,255 --> 00:14:08,297 Yeah. 77 00:14:08,463 --> 00:14:10,797 Well... he was all right. 78 00:14:11,588 --> 00:14:13,713 But not enough so you'd come and see him, though. 79 00:14:14,797 --> 00:14:16,505 Don't lay some guilt trip on me, mister. 80 00:14:16,672 --> 00:14:18,213 I did what I could. 81 00:14:18,380 --> 00:14:20,713 I mean, if it hadn't been for medicaid or medicare, 82 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:21,880 whatever that stuff was, 83 00:14:22,047 --> 00:14:23,755 he'd have been in some ditch somewhere. 84 00:14:26,338 --> 00:14:28,755 And I sure didn't have the money to take care of him. 85 00:14:32,755 --> 00:14:33,880 My own daughter... 86 00:14:34,755 --> 00:14:36,755 Lost long ago to me... 87 00:14:37,297 --> 00:14:39,672 If she knew I lived, would she come and see me? 88 00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,713 Would she even care? 89 00:14:42,630 --> 00:14:45,922 You could've come and seen him. They don't charge you for that. 90 00:14:46,630 --> 00:14:48,005 Mind your own business. 91 00:14:49,547 --> 00:14:51,172 I was busy. 92 00:15:06,213 --> 00:15:09,755 Well, well, well. If it isn't my favorite patient. 93 00:15:09,922 --> 00:15:11,755 How are you this morning, Mr. Haff? 94 00:15:12,297 --> 00:15:13,547 I'm all right. 95 00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:17,047 But I prefer Mr. Presley or Elvis. I keep tellin' you that. 96 00:15:17,213 --> 00:15:19,713 I don't go by Sebastian haff anymore, okay? 97 00:15:20,172 --> 00:15:21,963 I'm not tryin' to hide anymore. 98 00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,963 Well, of course I knew that. I forgot. 99 00:15:25,130 --> 00:15:27,422 Good morning, Elvis. 100 00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:32,755 Did you know we have a celebrity here, miss Thomas? 101 00:15:33,172 --> 00:15:36,047 Elvis Presley. You know, the rock and roll singer. 102 00:15:37,797 --> 00:15:39,213 I thought he was dead. 103 00:15:40,797 --> 00:15:42,922 Well, actually, Elvis is dead. Mr. Haff knows that. 104 00:15:43,088 --> 00:15:44,255 Don't you, Mr. Haff? 105 00:15:44,422 --> 00:15:47,172 Hell, no. I'm right here. I ain't dead. 106 00:15:48,297 --> 00:15:49,422 Yet. 107 00:15:50,088 --> 00:15:52,172 Now, Mr. Haff! 108 00:15:52,630 --> 00:15:55,172 I don't mind calling you "Elvis." 109 00:15:55,338 --> 00:15:58,088 But you're a little confused and you like to play sometimes. 110 00:15:58,255 --> 00:16:02,880 You were an Elvis impersonator, remember? 111 00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:08,005 You fell off the stage and broke your hip... when was it? 112 00:16:08,172 --> 00:16:09,588 Twenty years ago. 113 00:16:09,755 --> 00:16:13,463 It got infected and you were in a coma for quite a while. 114 00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:18,463 You came out with a few... Problems. 115 00:16:20,255 --> 00:16:23,880 Look, I was just impersonatin' myself, okay? I couldn't do nothin' else. 116 00:16:24,047 --> 00:16:25,297 I don't have any problems. 117 00:16:25,463 --> 00:16:27,583 You're tryin' to say my brain's messed up, aren't you? 118 00:16:27,755 --> 00:16:29,922 Why would you wanna be somebody else? 119 00:16:31,130 --> 00:16:32,630 I got tired of it. 120 00:16:33,213 --> 00:16:34,880 I was hooked on pills, you know. 121 00:16:35,297 --> 00:16:36,755 I wanted out. 122 00:16:36,922 --> 00:16:39,547 And this boy Sebastian haff, he was an Elvis imitator. 123 00:16:39,713 --> 00:16:42,547 He was the best of 'em. He took my place. 124 00:16:42,713 --> 00:16:45,047 Problem is, he had a bad heart. 125 00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,088 He liked drugs, too. Liked them more than I did. 126 00:16:48,255 --> 00:16:52,213 So it was him that died, not me. I just took his place. 127 00:16:52,838 --> 00:16:55,880 But why would you want to leave all that fame, Mr. Presley? 128 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,422 All that money? 129 00:16:59,005 --> 00:17:01,297 I don't know. 'Cause it got old. 130 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:09,297 The woman I loved, Priscilla, she was gone. 131 00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:12,130 The rest of the women... Were just women. 132 00:17:13,713 --> 00:17:15,922 I mean, the music wasn't mine anymore. 133 00:17:16,380 --> 00:17:19,380 I wasn't even me anymore. Just this thing they made up. 134 00:17:22,047 --> 00:17:23,380 And my friends... 135 00:17:25,380 --> 00:17:27,755 Well, they were suckin' me dry. 136 00:17:32,380 --> 00:17:35,088 So I took a little road trip down to nacogdoches... 137 00:17:36,505 --> 00:17:40,338 To check out this Sebastian haff. 138 00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:28,838 It's all right, boys. Just wait here. 139 00:18:52,672 --> 00:18:54,297 Oh, my god. 140 00:18:58,630 --> 00:19:00,422 I didn't think you'd really... 141 00:19:22,547 --> 00:19:25,838 It's all right, boys. Just another freak. 142 00:19:27,172 --> 00:19:28,672 Let's split. 143 00:19:40,422 --> 00:19:42,064 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Sorry, man. 144 00:19:42,088 --> 00:19:43,672 King, I got it. I got it. 145 00:19:43,838 --> 00:19:45,213 It's all yours, baby. 146 00:19:54,088 --> 00:19:56,838 So isigned everything over to Sebastian. 147 00:19:57,005 --> 00:19:59,922 Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad. 148 00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:03,130 I was determined to make myselfa new life. 149 00:20:03,713 --> 00:20:05,005 A better one. 150 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:10,005 But me and Sebastian, we had us a deal. 151 00:20:12,047 --> 00:20:13,797 If I wanted to trade back, he'd let me. 152 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,338 Yo, Sebastian! 153 00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:17,305 It was all written up in the contract. 154 00:20:18,380 --> 00:20:19,880 The thing was... 155 00:20:20,047 --> 00:20:22,297 I lost my copy in a barbecue accident. 156 00:20:23,838 --> 00:20:25,338 But that wasn't so bad, either. 157 00:20:25,505 --> 00:20:28,463 I was makin' new friends and enjoyin' myself. 158 00:20:31,255 --> 00:20:32,422 Cheers! 159 00:20:42,963 --> 00:20:45,797 Oh, my god. Did you see that thing? 160 00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:48,547 What in the Sam hill? 161 00:20:49,338 --> 00:20:51,005 It just went up like that. 162 00:20:52,255 --> 00:20:56,505 - Now, Elvis. - There she is. Bob's your uncle. 163 00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:59,255 Don't carry it too far. 164 00:20:59,422 --> 00:21:03,422 You may just get way out there and not come back. 165 00:21:04,588 --> 00:21:07,713 Oh, fuck you. 166 00:21:07,922 --> 00:21:09,505 Shit. 167 00:21:09,672 --> 00:21:12,463 Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. 168 00:21:13,213 --> 00:21:17,213 Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing. 169 00:21:18,213 --> 00:21:19,213 Well... 170 00:21:19,797 --> 00:21:21,297 I've got what I want. 171 00:21:22,172 --> 00:21:24,922 The clothes can go to goodwill or salvation army. 172 00:21:25,088 --> 00:21:29,505 Very well. And I'm sorry about your father. He was a nice man. 173 00:21:29,672 --> 00:21:30,755 Yeah. 174 00:21:32,005 --> 00:21:33,880 It was nice to meet you, Mr. Presley. 175 00:21:34,047 --> 00:21:36,255 - Get the hell out. - Now, now. 176 00:21:37,463 --> 00:21:39,963 I'll be back later to do that little... 177 00:21:40,630 --> 00:21:42,963 Thing that has to be done. You know. 178 00:21:47,130 --> 00:21:49,172 - Shh! - Elvis! 179 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:01,005 Poor bull. 180 00:22:03,005 --> 00:22:07,172 In the end... Does anything really matter? 181 00:22:11,380 --> 00:22:13,297 No one here ever listened to me. 182 00:22:14,005 --> 00:22:17,797 Except this one guy... Only he was certifiable. 183 00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,463 That's where they took a piece of my brain. 184 00:22:21,297 --> 00:22:23,963 They got it back in DC in that goddamn jar. 185 00:22:26,005 --> 00:22:28,963 I got a little bag of sand up there now. 186 00:22:30,255 --> 00:22:32,755 Jack... no offense, but... 187 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,588 President Kennedy was a white man. 188 00:22:35,755 --> 00:22:37,713 That's how clever they are! 189 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,797 They dyed me this color. All over! 190 00:22:40,963 --> 00:22:44,130 Can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that? 191 00:23:42,797 --> 00:23:44,213 I was livin' simple. 192 00:23:45,672 --> 00:23:47,130 The way haff had been. 193 00:23:47,297 --> 00:23:50,422 Going from town to town doin' the Elvis act. 194 00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:53,505 Only I felt like I was really me again. 195 00:23:53,672 --> 00:23:55,005 Can you dig that? 196 00:23:55,172 --> 00:23:58,463 We're diggin' it, Mr. Haff... Mr. Presley. 197 00:24:36,255 --> 00:24:37,797 Women were throwin' themselves at me 198 00:24:37,963 --> 00:24:39,797 'cause they could imagine I was Elvis. 199 00:24:39,963 --> 00:24:43,630 Only, I was Elvis playing Sebastian haff playing Elvis. 200 00:24:43,797 --> 00:24:45,422 It was all pretty good. 201 00:24:45,588 --> 00:24:47,338 I didn't mind the contract being burned up. 202 00:24:47,505 --> 00:24:49,797 Didn't even try to go back and convince anybody. 203 00:24:52,005 --> 00:24:53,547 Then I had the accident. 204 00:24:53,713 --> 00:24:55,713 I was gyratin', see, takin' care of business, 205 00:24:55,880 --> 00:24:56,880 and then my hip went out. 206 00:24:58,588 --> 00:25:00,297 I'd been havin' trouble with it. 207 00:25:17,130 --> 00:25:18,922 Damn, it's cold in here tonight. 208 00:25:29,797 --> 00:25:32,963 No way. That's it. This time, I make it. 209 00:25:34,047 --> 00:25:36,338 No more pissin' and crappin' the bed. 210 00:26:02,130 --> 00:26:03,422 Shake it out... 211 00:26:13,380 --> 00:26:14,672 There we go. 212 00:26:44,338 --> 00:26:46,505 Whoa! 213 00:26:48,547 --> 00:26:52,755 Man... that is one big bitch cockroach. 214 00:27:25,297 --> 00:27:26,713 All right, man. Let's go. 215 00:27:35,713 --> 00:27:36,963 Damn. 216 00:27:41,088 --> 00:27:42,755 Hot damn! 217 00:28:12,005 --> 00:28:14,380 Got you, you six-legged bastard. 218 00:28:55,255 --> 00:28:58,713 Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know... 219 00:29:00,172 --> 00:29:04,588 Never... but never fuck with the king. 220 00:29:06,672 --> 00:29:09,338 Whoa-oh-oh-oh! 221 00:29:23,005 --> 00:29:26,172 Hey! Is anybody out here? 222 00:29:30,963 --> 00:29:33,755 I think we got some major bug problems in this place, man! 223 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:42,713 Oh, man... 224 00:30:44,380 --> 00:30:46,130 Hey, Jack? 225 00:30:55,255 --> 00:30:56,297 Jack? 226 00:30:57,088 --> 00:30:58,463 Hey, man, you okay? 227 00:31:05,505 --> 00:31:07,963 What the Sam hill is that? 228 00:31:11,338 --> 00:31:13,088 Mr. Kennedy? 229 00:31:19,922 --> 00:31:22,838 Hey, man... you're on the floor. 230 00:31:24,505 --> 00:31:25,713 No shit. 231 00:31:27,047 --> 00:31:28,047 Who are you? 232 00:31:29,255 --> 00:31:30,422 Look, I'm... 233 00:31:31,797 --> 00:31:34,630 Sebastian. Sebastian haff. 234 00:31:35,672 --> 00:31:38,255 Did you see him go by in the hall? 235 00:31:39,588 --> 00:31:41,505 He scuttled like. 236 00:31:42,547 --> 00:31:45,213 - Who, man? - The one they sent. 237 00:31:46,130 --> 00:31:49,422 - Who's "they"? - Oh, you know who. 238 00:31:49,588 --> 00:31:51,672 No, Jack, I don't. Come on, man. 239 00:31:53,380 --> 00:31:55,130 Lyndon Johnson. 240 00:31:55,297 --> 00:31:56,713 Castro, maybe. 241 00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:59,755 They sent somebody to finish me off. 242 00:31:59,922 --> 00:32:02,963 I think maybe it was Johnson himself. 243 00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:06,963 Real ugly. Real goddamn ugly! 244 00:32:07,130 --> 00:32:09,297 Look, man, president Johnson's dead. 245 00:32:09,463 --> 00:32:13,047 Shit. That ain't gonna stop him. 246 00:32:18,255 --> 00:32:19,880 Get his feet. 247 00:32:25,463 --> 00:32:28,338 So, you say you heard a... a noise? 248 00:32:28,505 --> 00:32:31,338 Well, a sound's a sound, you know? I mean, I heard something. 249 00:32:31,505 --> 00:32:35,713 It was like a... I don't know. Like a... like a scuttling. 250 00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:38,505 - A scuttling sound? - Yes, sir. 251 00:32:39,380 --> 00:32:43,213 Were you awake or were you in bed when you heard this noise? 252 00:32:43,380 --> 00:32:47,213 I was in bed first, then I was awake 'cause the damn bugs woke me up. 253 00:32:47,380 --> 00:32:49,020 Alright? You got bugs all over this place. 254 00:32:50,380 --> 00:32:54,880 Bugs... well, Mr. Haff, what kind of bugs have you been seeing? 255 00:32:55,047 --> 00:32:57,422 Look, man, do I look like an ichthyologist to you? 256 00:32:57,588 --> 00:32:59,713 Just big damn bugs, all right? The size of my fist. 257 00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:01,960 The size of a peanut butter and banana sandwich, man. 258 00:33:02,047 --> 00:33:04,213 What do I care? I got a growth on my pecker. 259 00:33:04,380 --> 00:33:06,547 Okay, Mr. Haff. Don't worry about a thing. 260 00:33:06,713 --> 00:33:10,047 We'll call the exterminator tomorrow and we'll take care of the problem. 261 00:33:10,213 --> 00:33:12,047 Good. Thank you. Thank you very much. 262 00:33:33,547 --> 00:33:35,547 It's time for that little thing again. 263 00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:08,463 A doll like this handlin' me without warmth or emotion... 264 00:34:08,630 --> 00:34:10,547 Twenty years ago. Just twenty, man. 265 00:34:10,713 --> 00:34:14,380 I could've made with a curly-lip smile and had her eatin' out of my asshole. 266 00:34:14,838 --> 00:34:19,630 Doctor says this cream ought to do the trick. 267 00:34:19,797 --> 00:34:21,880 Corticosteroids. 268 00:34:22,047 --> 00:34:25,713 Should heal the inflammation, stop the pus. 269 00:34:27,255 --> 00:34:28,838 Where 'd my youth go? 270 00:34:30,172 --> 00:34:33,005 Why didn't fame hold off old age and death? 271 00:34:33,172 --> 00:34:35,713 Why the hell did I leave the fame in the first place? 272 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:37,505 Do I want it back? Could I have it back? 273 00:34:37,672 --> 00:34:41,130 And if! Could... Would it make any damn difference? 274 00:35:02,797 --> 00:35:05,088 Mr. Haff! 275 00:35:06,047 --> 00:35:07,880 Huh? 276 00:35:11,963 --> 00:35:13,880 Lord almighty. 277 00:35:14,963 --> 00:35:17,963 You old rascal. 278 00:35:20,338 --> 00:35:23,713 I think you better take a cold shower, Mr. Haff. 279 00:35:24,713 --> 00:35:26,672 There'd been two presidential elections 280 00:35:26,838 --> 00:35:28,380 since I had a boner like that one. 281 00:35:28,547 --> 00:35:29,963 What gave here? 282 00:35:30,130 --> 00:35:31,880 Then I realized what gave. 283 00:35:32,047 --> 00:35:34,213 I was thinkin' about something that interested me. 284 00:35:34,380 --> 00:35:36,380 Not my next meal or goin' to the crapper. 285 00:35:37,047 --> 00:35:39,505 I'd been given a dose of life again. 286 00:35:44,088 --> 00:35:46,297 You get in there with me, I'll take that shower. 287 00:35:46,463 --> 00:35:48,880 You silly thing. 288 00:35:49,047 --> 00:35:51,463 Come on, now. Why don't you pull on it a little? 289 00:35:53,463 --> 00:35:55,713 You ought to be ashamed. 290 00:36:29,547 --> 00:36:33,672 Where at? Where at? 291 00:36:33,838 --> 00:36:35,005 I haven't seen my kids. 292 00:36:35,172 --> 00:36:36,713 It's an ambush! 293 00:36:38,755 --> 00:36:41,797 Under the bridge. I saw him under the bridge. 294 00:36:43,130 --> 00:36:46,005 It's an ambush! Tonto, my boots, Tonto! 295 00:36:46,172 --> 00:36:49,797 That's my friend kemosabe. We used to play cards together. 296 00:36:49,963 --> 00:36:52,755 - My boots! - Now he doesn't even know who I am. 297 00:37:51,088 --> 00:37:52,380 Daddy. 298 00:37:57,172 --> 00:37:58,713 Baby? 299 00:38:05,797 --> 00:38:09,547 Sebastian. Sebastian! It's loose! 300 00:38:09,713 --> 00:38:10,713 What's loose? 301 00:38:10,838 --> 00:38:12,297 It. Listen. 302 00:38:23,005 --> 00:38:25,380 Jesus Christ. What's that? 303 00:38:25,547 --> 00:38:28,422 I thought it was lyndon Johnson, but I was wrong. 304 00:38:28,588 --> 00:38:32,005 I've come across new evidence to suggest another assassin. 305 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:34,880 Assassin? 306 00:38:35,005 --> 00:38:37,588 He's after another target tonight. 307 00:38:37,755 --> 00:38:39,547 Come on, I wanna show you something. 308 00:38:39,713 --> 00:38:42,005 I don't think it's safe if you go back to sleeping. 309 00:38:42,172 --> 00:38:44,672 For Christ sake, man. Just tell the administrators. 310 00:38:46,338 --> 00:38:49,463 Suits and white starches? No, thank you! 311 00:38:49,630 --> 00:38:51,755 I trusted them when I was back in Dallas, 312 00:38:51,922 --> 00:38:53,755 and look where that got my brain and me. 313 00:38:53,922 --> 00:38:56,797 I'm thinkin' with sand here. 314 00:38:56,963 --> 00:39:00,130 I mean, I pick up some waves, maybe, from my brain, 315 00:39:00,297 --> 00:39:02,047 but someday, who knows? 316 00:39:02,213 --> 00:39:05,172 Somebody might just disconnect the battery at the white house. 317 00:39:05,338 --> 00:39:08,630 Oh, yeah. That's something to worry about, all right. 318 00:39:11,297 --> 00:39:13,422 Listen here. Listen. 319 00:39:13,588 --> 00:39:15,463 I know you're Elvis. 320 00:39:22,838 --> 00:39:27,547 There was a rumor, you know, that you hated me. 321 00:39:27,713 --> 00:39:28,880 But I thought about that. 322 00:39:31,630 --> 00:39:34,630 If you hated me, you could've finished me off the other night. 323 00:39:36,463 --> 00:39:40,213 What I want from you is that you look me straight in the eye 324 00:39:40,380 --> 00:39:45,338 and assure me you had nothing at all to do with that day in Dallas, 325 00:39:45,505 --> 00:39:49,672 and that you did not know Lee Harvey oswald or Jack Ruby. 326 00:39:57,130 --> 00:39:59,047 Look, man... 327 00:39:59,213 --> 00:40:01,255 I had nothing to do with Dallas. 328 00:40:01,422 --> 00:40:05,005 And I knew neither Lee Harvey oswald nor Jack Ruby. 329 00:40:05,713 --> 00:40:10,338 Good. May I call you Elvis instead of Sebastian? 330 00:40:11,213 --> 00:40:12,255 You may. 331 00:40:12,422 --> 00:40:13,797 Excehent 332 00:40:13,963 --> 00:40:15,630 you wear glasses to read? 333 00:40:15,797 --> 00:40:18,213 Well, I wear glasses when I really want to see. 334 00:40:18,380 --> 00:40:20,338 Get them. Come on. 335 00:40:25,463 --> 00:40:27,963 Come on. Right down the hall. 336 00:40:30,547 --> 00:40:32,922 The Walker was swingin' along easier now. 337 00:40:33,088 --> 00:40:34,380 Not even like [needed it. 338 00:40:35,213 --> 00:40:37,380 Damn, this here Jack was a nut. 339 00:40:38,088 --> 00:40:40,005 Maybe I was nuts, too... 340 00:40:40,172 --> 00:40:42,338 But there was an adventure goin' on. 341 00:40:42,505 --> 00:40:43,505 It's in here. 342 00:40:50,005 --> 00:40:51,880 In here. 343 00:41:03,047 --> 00:41:04,255 That's it? 344 00:41:04,422 --> 00:41:06,462 I mean, we're investigating a scuttling in the hall, 345 00:41:06,547 --> 00:41:08,106 trying to figure out who attacked you last night, 346 00:41:08,130 --> 00:41:09,523 and you bring me in here to look at stick pictures 347 00:41:09,547 --> 00:41:10,672 on the shithouse wall, man? 348 00:41:10,838 --> 00:41:12,255 Look close. 349 00:41:31,963 --> 00:41:32,963 It's Egyptian. 350 00:41:33,088 --> 00:41:34,463 Right-a-reen-o. 351 00:41:34,630 --> 00:41:38,380 Hey, you're not as stupid as some folks made you out. 352 00:41:38,547 --> 00:41:43,505 - Thank you. - Now, I copied this down yesterday. 353 00:41:43,672 --> 00:41:48,005 I came in here to take a shit because they hadn't cleaned up my bathroom. 354 00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:51,505 Saw that on the wall, took it back to my room, 355 00:41:51,672 --> 00:41:54,172 looked it up in my books, and I wrote it all down. 356 00:41:54,338 --> 00:42:00,380 Now, this top line translates roughly into, 357 00:42:00,547 --> 00:42:04,213 "pharaoh gobbles donkey goobers." 358 00:42:04,380 --> 00:42:08,797 And the bottom line, "Cleopatra does the nasty." 359 00:42:08,963 --> 00:42:09,963 Say what? 360 00:42:10,130 --> 00:42:12,630 Well, pretty much. That's the best I can translate it. 361 00:42:13,963 --> 00:42:16,005 All right, so, one of the nuts in here... 362 00:42:16,172 --> 00:42:17,338 Present company excluded... 363 00:42:17,505 --> 00:42:20,398 Thinks he's tutankhamun or something, comes in here, writes hieroglyphics. 364 00:42:20,422 --> 00:42:21,862 Big deal, man! What's the connection? 365 00:42:21,922 --> 00:42:23,439 Why are we standin' here in the toilet? 366 00:42:23,463 --> 00:42:26,880 Well, I don't know what the connection is, exactly... not yet. 367 00:42:27,047 --> 00:42:30,547 But that thing caught me asleep last night. 368 00:42:30,713 --> 00:42:33,005 And I came awake just in time. 369 00:42:33,172 --> 00:42:34,922 He had me on the floor. 370 00:42:35,088 --> 00:42:38,588 I had his mouth over my asshole. 371 00:42:38,755 --> 00:42:39,797 A shit-eater? 372 00:42:39,963 --> 00:42:41,463 I don't think so. 373 00:42:41,630 --> 00:42:44,172 He was after my soul. 374 00:42:44,338 --> 00:42:48,213 Now, you can get that out of any major orifice of a person's body. 375 00:42:48,380 --> 00:42:49,380 I read about it. 376 00:42:49,422 --> 00:42:51,380 Oh yeah? Where, man? Hustler? 377 00:42:51,547 --> 00:42:55,463 The everyday man or woman's book of the soul by David webb. 378 00:42:55,630 --> 00:42:57,797 And they got pretty good movie reviews in there 379 00:42:57,963 --> 00:43:00,672 about stolen soul movies in the back. 380 00:43:00,838 --> 00:43:02,755 Come on. I'll show you. 381 00:43:57,672 --> 00:43:59,547 Oh! 382 00:44:02,213 --> 00:44:03,693 I think that there might be some sort 383 00:44:03,755 --> 00:44:06,172 of electrical problem over there in the gardener's shed. 384 00:44:06,838 --> 00:44:09,588 That light... Looks like it's shortin' out. 385 00:44:09,755 --> 00:44:12,338 This whole damn place is fallin' apart. 386 00:44:12,505 --> 00:44:14,588 But you don't have to think about that. 387 00:44:14,755 --> 00:44:17,755 Mrs. Biddlestein is waitin' on her enema. 388 00:44:18,630 --> 00:44:21,672 All right. All right. I'm comin'. 389 00:44:23,505 --> 00:44:26,547 Just let me finish my cigarette first. 390 00:44:27,505 --> 00:44:28,672 God. 391 00:45:20,547 --> 00:45:22,880 There's an ugly son of a bitch. 392 00:45:32,047 --> 00:45:34,588 Damn! Hey, Jack. 393 00:45:34,755 --> 00:45:37,713 What it says here is that you can Bury some dude, 394 00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:40,130 and if he gets the right tanna leaves 395 00:45:40,297 --> 00:45:42,755 and spells said over him and such bullshit, 396 00:45:42,922 --> 00:45:46,255 that he can come back to life thousands of years later, man. 397 00:45:47,047 --> 00:45:48,088 But hold on, now. 398 00:45:48,255 --> 00:45:51,797 To stay alive, he has to suck on the souls of the iivin', 399 00:45:51,963 --> 00:45:55,672 and that if the souls are small, his life force doesn't last long. 400 00:45:56,380 --> 00:45:58,588 Small. What's that mean? 401 00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:01,130 Read on. No, never mind. 402 00:46:01,297 --> 00:46:02,880 I'll tell you myself. 403 00:46:03,588 --> 00:46:06,380 But first, would you like a ding dong? 404 00:46:07,880 --> 00:46:09,255 I don't mean mine. 405 00:46:10,172 --> 00:46:11,838 I mean a chocolate ding dong. 406 00:46:12,713 --> 00:46:16,172 Of course, mine would be chocolate now that I have been dyed. 407 00:46:16,338 --> 00:46:17,755 You got ding dongs, man? 408 00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:21,922 I got paydays and I got a box of baby ruths. 409 00:46:22,088 --> 00:46:23,297 Oh, mama! 410 00:46:25,213 --> 00:46:28,713 Which will it be? Let's get decadent. 411 00:46:29,713 --> 00:46:31,547 I'll take a baby Ruth. 412 00:46:34,088 --> 00:46:35,547 All right. 413 00:46:37,088 --> 00:46:40,380 Now... small souls... 414 00:46:41,422 --> 00:46:45,005 Are those that don't have much fire for life. 415 00:46:45,172 --> 00:46:46,547 You know a place like that? 416 00:46:46,713 --> 00:46:48,130 Man, if souls were fires, 417 00:46:48,297 --> 00:46:50,713 they couldn't burn much lower than in here. 418 00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:52,422 Exactamundo. 419 00:46:52,588 --> 00:46:54,922 What we have here at shady rest 420 00:46:55,088 --> 00:46:57,838 is an Egyptian soul sucker of some sort. 421 00:46:58,005 --> 00:47:00,422 You know, a mummy hiding out. 422 00:47:00,588 --> 00:47:03,963 Coming in here, feeding on the sleeping. 423 00:47:04,130 --> 00:47:06,297 It's perfect, you see? 424 00:47:06,463 --> 00:47:10,047 Now, we're small souls, so we can't provide him much. 425 00:47:10,713 --> 00:47:15,005 But if that thing comes back two or three times in a row 426 00:47:15,172 --> 00:47:19,880 and wraps his lips around some elder's asshole, 427 00:47:20,047 --> 00:47:23,672 that elder is going to die pretty soon. 428 00:47:23,838 --> 00:47:26,088 And who would be the wiser? 429 00:47:46,047 --> 00:47:47,380 Asshole. 430 00:47:49,547 --> 00:47:52,797 A mummy can't be getting too much energy from all this, 431 00:47:52,963 --> 00:47:56,963 you know, not like with big souls, but the prey is easy. 432 00:47:57,547 --> 00:47:59,356 And with new people comin' in here all the time, 433 00:47:59,380 --> 00:48:02,047 he can keep this up forever, this soul robbin'. 434 00:48:02,213 --> 00:48:03,755 That's what they brought us here for, 435 00:48:03,922 --> 00:48:06,463 to get us out of the way until we die. 436 00:48:06,630 --> 00:48:08,213 And those who don't die first 437 00:48:08,380 --> 00:48:12,380 from disease or just plain being old, he gets. 438 00:48:13,005 --> 00:48:14,630 Look, that's all well and good, Jack, 439 00:48:14,797 --> 00:48:17,088 but there's one thing that still throws me. 440 00:48:17,880 --> 00:48:22,005 How does an ancient Egyptian wind up in an east Texas rest home, 441 00:48:22,172 --> 00:48:25,297 and why is he writin' on the shit house walls, man? 442 00:48:25,463 --> 00:48:27,755 Well, he went in to take a crap, 443 00:48:27,922 --> 00:48:30,797 got bored, started writing on the walls. 444 00:48:30,963 --> 00:48:34,172 He probably wrote on pyramid walls centuries ago. 445 00:48:34,338 --> 00:48:37,297 Come on, man, like what would he crap? I mean, it's not like he'd eat. 446 00:48:37,463 --> 00:48:39,422 Well, he eats souls. 447 00:48:39,588 --> 00:48:43,380 So I assume that he would crap soul residue. 448 00:48:43,547 --> 00:48:47,213 By that I would mean that if you die from his mouth, 449 00:48:47,380 --> 00:48:50,422 you don't go to the other side where the souls go. 450 00:48:50,588 --> 00:48:55,588 He digests souls until they don't exist anymore. 451 00:48:55,755 --> 00:48:59,380 And you're just so much toilet water decoration. 452 00:48:59,547 --> 00:49:01,922 And speaking of toilets... 453 00:49:02,088 --> 00:49:05,422 This is how I figured that whole thing out. 454 00:49:06,380 --> 00:49:09,547 He's just like anybody else when it comes to taking a dump. 455 00:49:09,713 --> 00:49:12,005 He wants a nice, clean place with a flush. 456 00:49:12,172 --> 00:49:14,005 They didn't have that in his time. 457 00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:39,880 No, no, no. Don't go out in the hall. 458 00:49:40,047 --> 00:49:43,713 - That's all right. I'm not asleep. - That don't mean he won't hurt you. 459 00:49:43,880 --> 00:49:47,422 "He" my ass. There isn't any mummy from Egypt. 460 00:49:51,547 --> 00:49:53,547 Nice knowin' you, Elvis. 461 00:52:15,463 --> 00:52:18,088 Asshole. Asshole! 462 00:52:18,547 --> 00:52:21,047 Asshole! Asshole! 463 00:52:23,463 --> 00:52:24,713 Asshole! 464 00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:26,797 [Gaspsi 465 00:53:23,922 --> 00:53:27,213 Kemosabe was dead of a ruptured heart before he hit the floor. 466 00:53:30,088 --> 00:53:32,505 Gone down and out with both guns blazing. 467 00:53:33,297 --> 00:53:35,630 Soul intact. 468 00:53:39,713 --> 00:53:42,005 Once again, we got scolded. 469 00:53:44,047 --> 00:53:46,880 This time, we got quizzed about what had happened to kemosabe, 470 00:53:47,047 --> 00:53:49,463 but neither of us told the truth. 471 00:53:51,047 --> 00:53:53,255 I mean, who was gonna believe a couple of nuts? 472 00:53:54,505 --> 00:53:56,213 Elvis and Jack Kennedy explaining 473 00:53:56,380 --> 00:53:59,380 that kemosabe was gunning for a mummy in cowboy duds? 474 00:53:59,547 --> 00:54:02,213 Some kind of bubba ho-tep? 475 00:54:03,505 --> 00:54:04,880 So, what we did was... 476 00:54:06,380 --> 00:54:07,547 We lied. 477 00:54:52,005 --> 00:54:54,630 - Life sure is fleetin', you know? - What? 478 00:54:54,797 --> 00:54:57,088 Life. I'm saying it's fleetin'. You know what I mean? 479 00:54:57,255 --> 00:54:59,922 One minute you're here, and the next minute you're gone... 480 00:55:00,088 --> 00:55:01,672 Shit! 481 00:55:01,838 --> 00:55:03,922 Shit! Shit! Come on! 482 00:55:05,922 --> 00:55:08,213 Come on. Move it! Come on. Get it! 483 00:55:12,463 --> 00:55:14,005 Nonchalant. Nonchalant. 484 00:55:14,172 --> 00:55:15,213 Nonchalant. 485 00:55:15,380 --> 00:55:17,463 Get it in there. 486 00:55:19,755 --> 00:55:22,005 You are one fuckin' idiot. 487 00:55:49,755 --> 00:55:50,922 Mr. Haff? 488 00:55:53,588 --> 00:55:55,338 Mr. Presley? 489 00:55:57,380 --> 00:55:59,672 Mr. Presley? 490 00:55:59,838 --> 00:56:03,005 Now, now, Mr. Presley. 491 00:56:03,172 --> 00:56:05,213 You are looking much stronger, 492 00:56:05,380 --> 00:56:07,797 but you shouldn't be out here too long. 493 00:56:07,963 --> 00:56:09,630 It's time for your nap. 494 00:56:09,797 --> 00:56:14,297 And it's also time for us to do that little... you know. 495 00:56:14,463 --> 00:56:17,172 You fuck off, you patronizing bitch! 496 00:56:18,297 --> 00:56:19,797 I'm sick of your shit! 497 00:56:19,963 --> 00:56:22,713 I'll lube my own crankshaft from now on. 498 00:56:24,672 --> 00:56:26,047 You treat me like a baby again, 499 00:56:26,213 --> 00:56:28,797 I'll wrap this goddamn Walker right around your head! 500 00:57:02,838 --> 00:57:04,713 How in the hell did that mummy do that? 501 00:57:34,547 --> 00:57:38,338 Well... what the hell? 502 00:58:24,505 --> 00:58:26,463 Where did old bubba ho-tep go? 503 00:58:28,047 --> 00:58:29,547 Where did he come from? 504 00:58:31,505 --> 00:58:33,255 How the hell did he get here? 505 00:58:37,338 --> 00:58:39,047 Wait a minute. 506 00:58:58,922 --> 00:59:01,380 Under the bridge. I saw him under the bridge. 507 00:59:35,422 --> 00:59:37,130 Come on, mama. 508 01:00:08,672 --> 01:00:10,547 It's a cancer. 509 01:00:10,963 --> 01:00:12,630 They're keepin' it from me 'cause I'm old, 510 01:00:12,797 --> 01:00:14,297 and to them it don't matter. 511 01:00:14,463 --> 01:00:17,047 They think age will kill me first, and they're probably right. 512 01:00:17,213 --> 01:00:18,338 Well, suck them! 513 01:00:19,380 --> 01:00:21,338 I know what it is, and if it isn't... 514 01:00:21,505 --> 01:00:22,838 It might as well be. 515 01:01:20,713 --> 01:01:23,922 Station krop is proud to present 516 01:01:24,088 --> 01:01:26,713 the Elvis Presley movie marathon. 517 01:01:30,713 --> 01:01:35,047 It's 24 hours of Elvis in the roles he made famous. 518 01:01:35,213 --> 01:01:39,463 Watch that two-fisted hound dog out-strum, outrace, 519 01:01:39,630 --> 01:01:42,880 out-fight, and outwit the bad guys. 520 01:01:44,172 --> 01:01:49,297 And at the same time, watch the king slay the girls. 521 01:01:52,713 --> 01:01:54,713 Shitty pictures, man. 522 01:01:55,213 --> 01:01:57,547 Every single one. 523 01:01:59,547 --> 01:02:01,588 Here I was complainin' about loss of pride 524 01:02:01,755 --> 01:02:02,963 and how life had treated me, 525 01:02:03,130 --> 01:02:06,463 and now I realized... I never had any pride. 526 01:02:06,630 --> 01:02:08,880 And much of how life had treated me had been good. 527 01:02:09,047 --> 01:02:11,380 The bulk of the bad was my own damn fault. 528 01:02:12,797 --> 01:02:16,047 Should've fired colonel Parker by the time I got in the pictures. 529 01:02:16,213 --> 01:02:17,838 Old fart had been a shark and a fool, 530 01:02:18,005 --> 01:02:20,297 and I was an even bigger fool for following him. 531 01:02:21,672 --> 01:02:23,672 If only I'd treated Priscilla right. 532 01:02:25,130 --> 01:02:27,255 If I could've told my daughter I loved her. 533 01:02:28,713 --> 01:02:31,505 Always the questions. Never the answers. 534 01:02:31,672 --> 01:02:35,130 Always the hopes... Never the fulfillments. 535 01:02:42,088 --> 01:02:45,713 I had the woman who calls herself my niece come get me. 536 01:02:45,880 --> 01:02:48,963 She took me downtown this morning to the newspaper morgue. 537 01:02:49,130 --> 01:02:51,547 She's been helping me to do some research. 538 01:02:52,505 --> 01:02:55,213 - Research on what, man? - On our mummy. 539 01:02:55,380 --> 01:02:57,005 You know somethin' about him? 540 01:02:57,172 --> 01:02:59,213 I know plenty. 541 01:03:01,630 --> 01:03:04,880 Now, one of the lesser mummies, 542 01:03:05,047 --> 01:03:07,547 on loan from the Egyptian government, 543 01:03:07,713 --> 01:03:10,713 was being circulated all over the United States. 544 01:03:10,880 --> 01:03:12,422 You know, museums, stuff like that. 545 01:03:12,588 --> 01:03:14,547 What do you mean? Like king tut or whatever? 546 01:03:14,713 --> 01:03:16,422 No, more like king tut's brother. 547 01:03:16,588 --> 01:03:20,755 His mummy was flown or carried by the train from state to state. 548 01:03:20,922 --> 01:03:23,463 When it got to Texas, it was stolen. 549 01:03:23,630 --> 01:03:24,630 Stolen? 550 01:03:24,755 --> 01:03:27,172 Evidence points to it being stolen at night 551 01:03:27,338 --> 01:03:29,547 by a couple of guys in a silver bus. 552 01:03:29,713 --> 01:03:32,088 Bus? Hey, I've seen that! 553 01:03:32,255 --> 01:03:34,505 Anyway, the thieves broke into the museum, 554 01:03:34,672 --> 01:03:37,422 stole it in hopes of a ransom, 555 01:03:37,588 --> 01:03:42,422 when in comes the worst storm in east Texas history. 556 01:03:43,422 --> 01:03:45,047 Let me guess. 557 01:03:45,463 --> 01:03:47,380 The bus was washed away, see? 558 01:03:47,547 --> 01:03:50,672 'Cause I think I saw it today. It was way back in the creek. 559 01:03:50,838 --> 01:03:53,922 The mummy was imprisoned by the debris. 560 01:03:54,505 --> 01:03:56,505 Look here, how'd it come back to life? 561 01:03:56,672 --> 01:03:58,963 And how did I end up inside its memories? 562 01:03:59,130 --> 01:04:01,838 The speculation broadens here, but from what I've read, 563 01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:04,755 some mummies get buried without their names... 564 01:04:04,922 --> 01:04:07,172 A curse put on their sarcophagus. 565 01:04:08,213 --> 01:04:11,463 Hey, now, maybe our boy's one of them. 566 01:04:11,630 --> 01:04:15,713 I mean, when he's in the coffin, he's just a dried-up old corpse, 567 01:04:15,880 --> 01:04:19,047 but when the bus got washed away, maybe it overturned or broke open 568 01:04:19,213 --> 01:04:21,273 or something and now he's free of coffin and curse, man. 569 01:04:21,297 --> 01:04:25,588 He's free from imprisonment, but he still needs souls. 570 01:04:26,255 --> 01:04:27,505 And now he's free to have them. 571 01:04:27,672 --> 01:04:31,797 He can just keep on feedin' unless he's finally destroyed. 572 01:04:34,505 --> 01:04:36,672 So what do we do, Jack? 573 01:04:37,505 --> 01:04:40,213 Changing rest homes might be a good idea. 574 01:04:40,380 --> 01:04:42,005 I can't think of much else. 575 01:04:42,172 --> 01:04:43,963 But I will say this: 576 01:04:44,130 --> 01:04:47,713 Our mummy is a nighttime kind of guy. 577 01:04:47,880 --> 01:04:51,088 So, I'm gonna go and sleep now. 578 01:04:51,255 --> 01:04:53,505 I'll set my alarm for just before dark, 579 01:04:53,672 --> 01:04:56,130 then I can get myself a couple of cups of coffee. 580 01:04:56,880 --> 01:04:58,047 Damn straight. 581 01:04:58,213 --> 01:04:59,463 If he comes in here tonight 582 01:04:59,630 --> 01:05:01,880 I don't want him slappin' his lips on my asshole. 583 01:05:02,047 --> 01:05:04,380 Yes. Consider it. 584 01:05:05,380 --> 01:05:10,088 He's got the proverbial bird's nest on the ground here. 585 01:05:28,797 --> 01:05:31,755 What do I really have left in life but this place? 586 01:05:36,297 --> 01:05:38,047 It ain't much of a home... 587 01:05:39,213 --> 01:05:40,713 But it's all I got. 588 01:05:46,088 --> 01:05:47,505 Well, goddamnit. 589 01:05:48,880 --> 01:05:53,797 I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti-writin', soul-suckin' 590 01:05:53,963 --> 01:05:57,213 son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots 591 01:05:57,380 --> 01:06:01,172 take my friends' souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet! 592 01:06:07,338 --> 01:06:10,047 In the movies, I always played heroic types. 593 01:06:10,213 --> 01:06:11,613 But when the stage lights went out, 594 01:06:11,713 --> 01:06:15,380 it was time for drugs and stupidity and the coveting of women. 595 01:06:16,172 --> 01:06:17,838 Now it's time. 596 01:06:18,005 --> 01:06:21,630 Time to be a little of whatl had always fantasized bein': 597 01:06:21,797 --> 01:06:23,088 A hero. 598 01:06:35,505 --> 01:06:37,130 Hello? 599 01:06:37,297 --> 01:06:39,172 Mr. Kennedy? 600 01:06:39,338 --> 01:06:41,588 Ask not what your rest home can do for you. 601 01:06:42,713 --> 01:06:45,005 Ask what you can do for your rest home. 602 01:06:45,172 --> 01:06:48,713 Hey, you're copying my best lines. 603 01:06:48,880 --> 01:06:51,047 Then let me paraphrase one of my own. 604 01:06:52,005 --> 01:06:53,963 Let's take care of business. 605 01:06:54,547 --> 01:06:57,422 Just what are you getting at, Elvis? 606 01:06:57,588 --> 01:06:59,672 I think you know what I'm gettin' at, Mr. President. 607 01:07:01,213 --> 01:07:02,713 We're gonna kill us a mummy. 608 01:07:15,588 --> 01:07:17,963 Two bottles of rubbing alcohol. 609 01:07:19,172 --> 01:07:21,672 Check. Don't even have to toss 'em. 610 01:07:21,838 --> 01:07:23,338 Look here. 611 01:07:23,505 --> 01:07:25,797 Found this in the storage room. 612 01:07:26,588 --> 01:07:27,838 I thought they kept it locked. 613 01:07:28,005 --> 01:07:30,713 They do. I stole a hairpin and picked the lock, baby. 614 01:07:30,880 --> 01:07:32,172 Great. 615 01:07:32,338 --> 01:07:33,338 Matches. 616 01:07:34,088 --> 01:07:36,755 Check. Even scrounged up a cigarette lighter. 617 01:07:37,922 --> 01:07:40,297 Good. Uniform. 618 01:07:45,088 --> 01:07:46,880 Big check on that, baby. 619 01:07:48,380 --> 01:07:53,422 Well, I got a nice pair of shoes to go with this. 620 01:07:53,588 --> 01:07:54,672 Check. 621 01:07:56,755 --> 01:07:57,880 Scissors. 622 01:07:58,047 --> 01:07:59,130 Check. 623 01:08:00,422 --> 01:08:01,422 All right. 624 01:08:01,547 --> 01:08:04,838 Now, I got my chair oiled and ready to roll. 625 01:08:05,463 --> 01:08:07,505 That's good, man. We could use some wheels. 626 01:08:07,672 --> 01:08:11,297 And I picked some words of power from my book of magic. 627 01:08:11,463 --> 01:08:13,213 I don't know if they'll stop a mummy, 628 01:08:13,380 --> 01:08:15,588 but they're supposed to ward off evil. 629 01:08:16,255 --> 01:08:19,172 I wrote them down. One for each of us. 630 01:08:19,338 --> 01:08:21,213 Well, we'll use what we got, baby. 631 01:08:22,088 --> 01:08:24,588 All right, 2:45 A.M., we hook up right back here. 632 01:08:24,755 --> 01:08:28,880 No, at the rate we travel, maybe we ought to start at 2:30. 633 01:08:31,713 --> 01:08:33,172 Say, Jack? 634 01:08:34,880 --> 01:08:36,547 Do we know what the hell we're doin', man? 635 01:08:37,338 --> 01:08:42,463 No. But they say that fire cleanses evil. 636 01:08:42,630 --> 01:08:46,255 Let's just hope that they... Whoever they are... is right. 637 01:08:46,422 --> 01:08:47,797 Check on that, too. 638 01:08:47,963 --> 01:08:49,505 All right, synchronize watches. 639 01:08:49,672 --> 01:08:52,797 And... Mark. 640 01:08:53,797 --> 01:08:58,505 Now, the two key words for tonight are "caution" and "flammable." 641 01:08:58,672 --> 01:09:02,130 And also... "Watch your ass." 642 01:10:11,005 --> 01:10:12,880 What's that you got hanging around your neck? 643 01:10:14,213 --> 01:10:15,838 That's my medicine bag. 644 01:10:16,005 --> 01:10:17,922 Indians used to wear 'em into battle. 645 01:10:19,047 --> 01:10:21,047 Full of all kinds of lucky stuff. 646 01:10:22,213 --> 01:10:25,213 See here? Mucho mojo. 647 01:10:33,172 --> 01:10:34,297 That's my daughter. 648 01:10:37,588 --> 01:10:38,963 I know. 649 01:10:41,713 --> 01:10:45,213 We weren't there for our kids when they needed us, were we? 650 01:10:48,463 --> 01:10:50,463 Man, if I could just talk to her again... 651 01:10:51,755 --> 01:10:53,213 Tell her I love her... 652 01:10:54,380 --> 01:10:56,380 Try and make things right somehow. 653 01:10:57,630 --> 01:10:59,547 No time for regrets, Elvis. 654 01:10:59,713 --> 01:11:02,880 We were the best fathers we could be under the circumstances. 655 01:11:05,130 --> 01:11:07,297 Yeah, I guess, no time for regrets. 656 01:11:08,672 --> 01:11:10,297 We got business to take care of. 657 01:11:10,463 --> 01:11:12,963 Look here. Top it off with this. 658 01:11:13,130 --> 01:11:15,505 I stole it from the gardener when he wasn't iookin'. 659 01:11:20,463 --> 01:11:23,172 It's gonna be one hell of a barbeque. 660 01:11:33,047 --> 01:11:35,172 Let's do it, amigo. 661 01:11:39,213 --> 01:11:41,130 Hey, Jack? 662 01:11:44,297 --> 01:11:45,880 I just got one last question. 663 01:11:48,130 --> 01:11:49,713 Marilyn. 664 01:11:52,422 --> 01:11:54,713 Come on, man. Marilyn Monroe? 665 01:11:55,588 --> 01:11:57,588 What was she like in the sack? 666 01:11:58,547 --> 01:12:02,213 That is classified information. Top secret! 667 01:12:03,338 --> 01:12:05,547 But between you and me... 668 01:12:06,047 --> 01:12:08,047 Wow! 669 01:12:11,463 --> 01:12:13,797 You old dog. Watch your back, Jack. 670 01:12:19,255 --> 01:12:20,922 Time to hump it. 671 01:13:11,713 --> 01:13:15,547 Shit... when bubba ho-tep comes out of that creek bed, 672 01:13:15,713 --> 01:13:17,547 he's gonna come out hungry and pissed. 673 01:13:17,713 --> 01:13:20,338 When I try and stop him, he's gonna jam this paint can up my ass 674 01:13:20,505 --> 01:13:22,797 andjam me and that wheelchair up Jack's ass. 675 01:14:06,880 --> 01:14:08,422 Shit. 676 01:14:16,297 --> 01:14:17,880 Hey, Jack. 677 01:15:32,213 --> 01:15:34,005 Don't make me use my stuff on you, baby. 678 01:16:17,588 --> 01:16:20,088 Damn! Where did he go to? 679 01:16:22,880 --> 01:16:25,130 Hey! You stay put! 680 01:16:25,422 --> 01:16:27,380 I'll flush him out! 681 01:16:29,463 --> 01:16:31,005 You be careful, man. 682 01:16:39,547 --> 01:16:41,088 No, Jack! 683 01:16:48,880 --> 01:16:50,588 [Gaspsi 684 01:17:12,838 --> 01:17:14,213 Oh, man. 685 01:17:30,213 --> 01:17:32,380 No! No! 686 01:17:50,630 --> 01:17:54,213 Come and get it, you undead sack of shit. 687 01:18:19,713 --> 01:18:20,880 Sorry, man. 688 01:18:49,797 --> 01:18:51,713 Mr. Kennedy? 689 01:18:57,463 --> 01:19:01,880 The president is soon dead. 690 01:19:06,505 --> 01:19:12,047 So, now... It's up to you, Elvis. 691 01:19:12,213 --> 01:19:14,547 You got to get him. 692 01:19:14,713 --> 01:19:18,838 You... got to... 693 01:19:19,005 --> 01:19:20,838 Take care of business. 694 01:19:37,713 --> 01:19:39,422 That's right, man. 695 01:19:40,338 --> 01:19:42,422 We're gonna t.C.B. 696 01:19:44,463 --> 01:19:45,838 It's just you and me. 697 01:20:04,755 --> 01:20:06,588 Mr. President. 698 01:20:26,880 --> 01:20:30,255 "You nasty thing from beyond the dead... 699 01:20:31,380 --> 01:20:36,547 "No matter what you think or do, good things will never come to you. 700 01:20:39,880 --> 01:20:42,963 "And if evil is your black design, 701 01:20:43,130 --> 01:20:47,713 "you can bet the goodness of the light ones... 702 01:20:47,880 --> 01:20:50,963 Will kick your bad behind"? 703 01:20:52,047 --> 01:20:53,630 For Christ sake... 704 01:20:53,797 --> 01:20:54,963 That's it? 705 01:20:57,005 --> 01:20:59,838 That's the chant against evil from the book of souls? 706 01:21:00,005 --> 01:21:01,130 Yeah, right, boss. 707 01:21:01,297 --> 01:21:03,713 And what kind of decoder ring comes with that, man? 708 01:21:03,880 --> 01:21:06,297 Shit, it doesn't even rhyme well! 709 01:21:34,088 --> 01:21:35,880 This is dog shit. 710 01:21:40,213 --> 01:21:42,880 It's time for a-c-t-i-o-n. 711 01:21:45,172 --> 01:21:47,255 Come on, baby. Here we go. 712 01:21:47,422 --> 01:21:51,588 Woo! Woohoo! 713 01:23:05,547 --> 01:23:06,922 I was goin' out. 714 01:23:07,713 --> 01:23:10,630 And if I did, not only would I be one dead son of a bitch, 715 01:23:10,797 --> 01:23:12,380 but so would my soul. 716 01:23:12,880 --> 01:23:15,088 I'd be just so much crap. 717 01:23:16,047 --> 01:23:19,297 No afterlife, no reincarnation, no angels with harps. 718 01:23:20,088 --> 01:23:22,588 Whatever lay beyond would not be known to me. 719 01:23:23,255 --> 01:23:25,963 It would all end right here for Elvis Aaron Presley. 720 01:23:26,672 --> 01:23:28,713 Nothin' left but a quick flush. 721 01:23:32,963 --> 01:23:34,422 T.c.b., baby. 722 01:23:43,755 --> 01:23:46,838 Your soul-suckin' days are over, amigo. 723 01:24:44,130 --> 01:24:47,547 I felt somethin' inside gratin' against somethin' soft. 724 01:24:48,547 --> 01:24:51,463 I felt like a water balloon with a hole poked in it. 725 01:24:54,255 --> 01:24:56,422 I was goin' down for the last count. 726 01:24:57,547 --> 01:24:59,213 And I knew it. 727 01:25:01,380 --> 01:25:02,963 But I still have my soul. 728 01:25:05,130 --> 01:25:06,547 It's still mine. 729 01:25:08,047 --> 01:25:09,463 All mine. 730 01:25:14,005 --> 01:25:17,297 And the folks up there at shady rest... 731 01:25:19,338 --> 01:25:20,797 They have theirs, too. 732 01:25:22,422 --> 01:25:23,922 And they're gonna keep 'em. 733 01:25:25,797 --> 01:25:27,255 Every single one. 734 01:25:56,047 --> 01:25:57,713 Thank you. 735 01:25:59,963 --> 01:26:01,797 Thank you very much.