He's got some marriage advice, would you believe, for Harry and Megan?
See you with that and loads more at 08:30.
Sorry, just the casual way Lorraine said,
"We're going to talk to Bill Clinton..."
"We'll just talk to Bill..." MUG CLATTERS
Oh, no! No!
OK, sorry, we have an emergency. Oh, a spillage.
Because Susannah's just spilt her tea all over the desk.
It was the excitement of Bill Clinton.
It was a spillage.
Well, actually, that leads me neatly to an quite amusing item.
Wait a minute, no, no, no.
DAVID WALLIAMS: Welcome to my star-studded castle of cock-ups.
MACHINE PLAYS A TUNE What the hell is going on?!
It'll get live and dangerous. Help Me!
People... Argh!
Apologies for that disruption.
With calamities from the cutting room...
Oh, 606...'.!
...the stars will come crashing down.
That is literally the first time that's ever happened on the show.
But they'll get through it...
Arqh!
Arqh...!
...because no matter what happens...
Sorry.
I'm so sorry!
...the show must go on.
We're transmitting this!
We start with Alan Carr and another one of his Epic Game shows.
Today, it's Play Your Cards Right.
Although, for Alan it's more like play your cards wrong.
Higher or lower than a three?
Higher. Higher.
I thought you'd say that. Higher than a three?
0h! WQW!
Wow! You've just lost the lot.
Oh! LAUGHTER
Whoops!
I don't remember Brucie ever doing that.
You've lost a life. Now I've lost my job!
LAUGHTER
OK, sorry, love, let me just get this...
Wotcha, geezers, it's The Wall with Cockney hard man Danny Dyer.
In this game, the options are A or B.
But it nearly ends up in A&E.
GAME SHOW VOICE-OVER:
Forget Rain and Shine. This is one he'll never forget.
Are you all right, son? I'm absolutely fine.
Just embarrassed. I'm glad it was you and not me.
Hm, charming! Oh, how funny!
It's question one. Let's calm down!
If they carry on like this,
The Wall will have a higher body count than EastEnders.
Love Island.
As Italian stallion Davide makes a dramatic decision.
Gemma.
But what we didn't see on TV moments before was even more dramatic.
Now we begin. Because a second before, I didn't have...
And then I go to... Hairdryer upstairs.
So, you can lead an Italian stallion to water,
but you can't make him drink.
Now he's keeping everyone waiting. Better.
Yes, much better.
The writers on Coronation Street
do a wonderful job of mixing drama and comedy.
But it's a problem for the actors if the scripts get too funny.
Two books. Two?!
Well, yeah, sometimes you read one, it's not what you fancy.
There's a big telly in the room. Oh, for goodness' sake!
Adam, stop complaining. You've literally dragged it 50 yards.
And I've packed your pants and your knickers...
Oh, no!
BLEEP Sorry.
That is why Benedict Cumberbatch turns down any script
that contains the word "knickers".
Bargain Hunt.
They're still picking up tat for tuppence
and turning it into TV gold.
The red team have spied a telescope,
but they need to forget the planets and focus on the price.
So, if I run back now and try and buy a telescope for 235...
Yes. Let me report back.
I'm on the clock, so we are edging a bit towards time.
Go! Go! Go! See you later.
Thank you!
Cue the comedy running. Keep running!
Go! Go! Faster! Oh, it's all a big laugh.
Until the producer remembers
giddy antiques dealers don't usually mix well with wet grass.
Are you all right? I'm OK.
So, he failed to get the telescope.
But he did end up seeing stars.
A League Of Their Own.
And footballers need to watch their calories.
So, Patrice Evra has a subtle way of avoiding too much sugar.
In the end, the producers dropped this scene,
but not because Patrice dropped his ice cream.
It turned out Jamie had to go back into make-up.
That's not funny!
All right, almost time for the end of the show.
Time for Strictly Fitness. Cue the music!
Morning Live, and Gethin will be sitting down
for Strictly Fitness today because he has a doctor's note.
Unfortunately, their dog Dolly can't read.
Now, this is going to be working your shoulders...
DOLLY BARKS AND GROWLS ..and you arms at the same time.
She's not happy with Gethin's moves.
Or anyone's, really.
Let's hope she likes hearing the voice of Alan Dedicoat.
All right, take it away, Alan.
With an upper-body workout, it's Neil Jones.
DOLLY BARKS AND GROWLS OK, here we go.
We're leaning over first. And up.
DOLLY BARKS And down.
Now, you can always take a can of beans as well.
Dolly is hard to please.
If Craig Revel Horwood ever leaves,
they should sign her up for Strictly.
Rolling. Come on, Dolly!
Lovely. Last ten seconds.
Oh, let's keep it going to finish off the Tuesday.
DOLLY BARKS
And that is about it, cos Dolly's had enough.
She called it a swan.
Dolly moves on. And so must we.
Political problems now.
And BBC Breakfast are going live to the Ministry of Defence,
where they're always on a state of alert.
Perhaps too much alert.
Now, the Russian government
can choose to stop being as belligerent as it is...
FEMALE VOICE: This is a security call...
I'm really sorry, the Ministry of Defence does this sometimes.
FEMALE VOICE: There will shortly be a test of the fire alarm system.
I'm really embarrassed.
Do you want me to come back to you in a few minutes
when they've stopped testing the fire alarms in our building?
It's not his fault.
But this test of the fire alarm is turning into a test of his patience.
Do you know it's a test for sure?
I do know it's a test. I'm really embarrassed that this is the case.
Erm, I can persevere,
but this is going to go on for about 30 seconds or more, I'm afraid.
Ooh, that's what my Simon said to me last night.
James Heappey, there's not much we can be certain about at the moment,
but we can at least be certain
that the fire alarm system in the Ministry of Defence
is indeed operational. I'm so sorry, Charlie.
Sorry.
It happens. Thank you very much for your time.
June 2022.
Forget Party gate, forget Wall paper gate,
if you want to know the real reason his MPs walked out, this was it.
Sorry, I was Mayor of London. We've got crime down by 20%.
Prime Minister, it's good to talk to you.
Neighbourhood crime is down... Lorraine is waiting...
...since I was elected by 33%.
...to take up all the issues you've brought up in interview.
Who's Lorraine? Thank you very much indeed.
Who's Lorraine?! She's a legend. OK, fantastic.
Why does everyone want to talk to Lorraine?
And he called himself a man of the people?
"Who's Lorraine?" Everyone knows Lorraine!
I love how he said, "Who's Lorraine?"
And why should he know who I am?
I mean, he's busy in the morning. He wouldn't be watching us.
Although, he could learn a lot, as you know.
Sir Keir Starmer. He knows who Lorraine is.
And he won't talk to anyone else in the morning.
For Sir Keir, it's Lorraine or nobody.
So, a massive thanks. Let's hear it for Barnet!
Let's hear it for Labour! CHEERING
Sir Keir, you're live on Good Morning Britain.
Sir...
He doesn't want to talk to the viewing millions.
He'd rather chat to 25 people in a car park.
Sir Keir, you're live on Good Morning Britain.
Have you benefited from Boris Johnson's problems here?
We have...
Oh, no!
Sir Keir finally makes his statement to the nation,
and the satellite signal drops out.
Let's hope he's still talking when it comes back.
Thank you to all of you for everything that you have done.
Oh, the signal is back, but Sir Keir has moved on.
Oh, I hope they're not too disappointed in the studio.
The perils of live television. just as Richard got in there,
unfortunately, we lost the connection.
Boris Johnson probably unplugged something,
bitter he was cut off for Lorraine.
Oxford MP Anneliese Dodds.
She thought doing her interview in the loft conversion would be safe.
But she was wrong.
...a situation for dealing with the virus
and then ensuring that we have that economic support there
for businesses and for individuals that they need at this time.
OK, somebody who wants to come and say hello to you
while you're on the telly. We've seen this happen before.
She's...
She's welcome any time on the program me.
And she's welcome any time on our program me, too.
It's almost 6:00am,
and election coverage has been going on throughout the night.
But, Reeta, please keep talking for just a few seconds longer
before handing back to Huw.
Reeta, thanks very much.
I'm going to admit to you that I've just had a little bit of croissant.
And I'm just finishing it.
And I'm ashamed to say that, but there you go.
Busted!
Although, I can't blame Huw.
For long days on BGT, I keep a cream horn under the judges' desk
in case I need a sneaky mouthful.
I'm just wondering whether Sir john Curtice
has been helping himself to French patisserie this morning
as he's chomping through his data.
I was about to say, Huw, whether you're going to send them up to us.
Because they've certainly not reached here yet.
I shall make a delivery at six o'clock, john.
Thank you very much indeed, we shall look forward to it.
So, remember, if you want pastries, just call Deliver-Huw.
It's the Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison
during his campaign for re-election.
A game of football with some kids
seemed like a great idea to his PR team.
But he thought he was playing rugby.
Whoops!
I did a rugby tackle!
He tries to style it out,
but with the world's press watching, this has turned into a PR disaster.
He's fine. I held him up.
Yeah, you held him up after you landed on him.
Naturally, their reporters wanted to know if the kid was really OK
and if he had a message for his Prime Minister.
We've got a red card!
A red card for the PM!
I say, sin-bin him for ten. What a character!
He's not just a character, he's psychic.
Two weeks later, PM Scott Morrison was out on his ear.
But politics' loss is sumo wrestling's gain.
Time for a break and my Big Cock-up Question.
And pop on your verruca socks,
we're off to the pool with The Games.
Ryan Thomas and Chelcee Grimes
are climbing higher than any other celebrity couple so far.
COMMENTATOR: So, remember, what they are about to do
potentially can score them more points.
But what will happen to Ryan
that will send them to the top of my leader board?
Find out after the break.
DAVID WALLIAMS: Welcome back.
Cock-ups on entertainment shows now, as we return to The Games.
Before the break, we saw Ryan Thomas and Chelcee Grimes
preparing to go in at the deep end.
COMMENTATOR: So, remember, what they are about to do
potentially can score them more points.
I asked, "What will happen to Ryan
"that will send them to the top of my leader board?"
Let's find out.
Love you. All right, love you, too.
OK. Here we go.
One, two, three... Toes!
Oh, and let's go!
KLAXON BLARES
Sorry, viewers, you'll just have to imagine it.
How hard is it to keep your trunks on?
Back there, we know you had a bit of a malfunction.
Oh, really?! Oh, no!
Did the sock fall out?
He said "sock"! "Sock"!
COMMENTATOR: Look at these celebrations!
Superb! CH EERING AND APPLAUSE
Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
Or, in Greg Davies' case, Never Mind The Buzzcock-ups,
as he tries to get through this question about Bargain Hunt.
But what I want to know from Noel's team
is what was so special about Bez's appearance on the show?
Was it...?
LAUGHTER
Or C...
GREG BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING
Try again.
Or C, he had to be...
GREG BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING
Or C, he had to be spoken to by producers after...
GREG BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING
D'oh!
He had to be spoken to by the producers...
LAUGHTER
I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Or was it C, he had to be spoken to by the producers
after repeatedly attempting to pull Tim Wonnacott's trousers down
during the auction? LAUGHTER
That's as good as it's going to get.
I think the Buzzcocks producers can live with that, Greg.
They'll have to if they want to get home before midnight.
Now some cut footage from Britain's Got Talent.
I can't imagine why the producers didn't want this to go out.
Why would you say forehead?
Because I'm only trying, aren't I?
Now, come on, Ant, they didn't make you headbutt the coconut.
You did that yourself, didn't you?
Still, no real harm done.
Come on, then, Donnelly, what are you counting that as?
You've cut your head on a coconut.
Oh, have I? Yeah.
You said, "Use your forehead." Now he's cut it.
Now I've cut my forehead. He's cut his head on a coconut.
How irresponsible are you?!
How coco-nutty is that?
Don't worry, the coconut was absolutely fine.
The same couldn't be said for Ant's fabulous forehead.
MAN: I'll get a bandage.
A bandage? You're going to have to.
You've got to stop the infection. What? Infection?
This is very extreme for a little tap on the forehead.
When do I change this? When I get home?
Yeah. So, a new one every day. A new one every day?
On this forehead? For three weeks.
No...
For three weeks?!
With that forehead, it's going to cost him a small fortune.
Well, don't tap it! Medic!
Well, I look a right prize punter, don't I?
Yes. Yes. Yes, you do.
The Voice.
And considering what they went through to impress will.i.am,
you'd think these contestants would be a little more excited.
Welcome to Team Will.
That's supposed to be like, "Whoo!" after that.
Welcome to Team Will. ENTHUSIASTIC WHOOPING
Thanks! Thanks so much! Thank you!
Remember, it's The Voice, not The Awkward Silence.
On ITV2, half the guys are looking for a honey.
The others are just in it for the money.
But I don't know how Sofia will spot the liars.
She can't even spot the gaps in the decking.
Oh, are you all right? BLEEP!
They're lucky I've got, like, cheap heels for this show.
And this is why I stopped wearing my high heels on TV.
Celebrity juice. And the team have come up with
hundreds of naughty games over the years.
You can't expect Keith to remember the rules to them all.
WQW!
All you've got to do is pick up three celebrities.
OK. Not punters, not real people,
but celebrities.
Not three, but two, I've just been told!
LAUGHTER
All you've got to do
is pick up two celebrities. Two.
So, the producers stepped in to make sure Keith got the rules right.
Unfortunately, no-one was able to step in
to save Vernon Kay from Grimmy's steel.
BIKE BELL DINGS Here he is!
LOUD THUD
To make matters worse, Nick Grimshaw's rickshaw is unlicensed.
Sorry, Vernon...
LOUD THUD
...no combo.
Cock-ups in news now. Well, I say news.
I'm not sure this story about a lazy farm dog really counts as news.
Absolutely. It's a terrific little story.
I must admit, a cattle dog that won't chase,
I mean, what's our next story? A fish that won't swim?
Well, if it's animal stories they like,
just imagine the mileage they're going to get out of this.
Stay well, mate. And we'll see you next time.
Pleasure.
Oh, look at that big bird behind his head. Did you see that?
The animals are coming! Whoa, look at that!
Help! Help!
Whoa, check it out!
See you, I'm off! Bye!
Oh, dear, they say crows bring bad luck.
One that size, and he's really going to be in trouble.
Look out! Argh!
STV news.
Where this reporter regrets offering work experience to two trainees.
Now, so far people...
Arqh!
Apologies for the disruption there. I'll be meeting...
For legal reasons, we've blurred the kids' faces
and sentenced them to four weeks in the STV canteen
cleaning the deep-fat fryer.
It's nice that occasionally presenters like jon Kay
take a moment to bring some sunshine into our lives.
...the joys of just cooking. Cook her something special.
I've got something joyful for you.
Have a look at this. Let's look out the window.
Because the sun is shining over Media City,
over Manchester there.
A beautiful view.
Manchester? That's London, isn't it?
Oh, sorry.
I thought the view had changed somewhat overnight.
Erm, it's actually London. Right, fine.
Yes, Jon, it's London.
I think The Shard is a bit of a giveaway.
Headlines and geography lessons coming up.
Reporters, never film with kids after eating garlic bread for lunch.
Just half the prep cohort started here today
at The Mother Of Good Counsel Primary School...
HE LAUGHS
I must try this on the other members of the BGTjudging panel.
Willow... Thank you, Willow.
We'll keep that for the record.
It's not easy putting together a news program me
first thing in the morning.
I suspect that whoever does the graphics
has not yet had their coffee.
Our Middle East correspondence Tom Bateman is there in Istanbul,
where the talks are taking place. Is he in Istanbul?
It looks more like he's in Isbanbul.
Where's that, somewhere in Burkey?
And let's just take a moment to celebrate the reporters
who risk life and limb to bring us the news.
They don't do it for money, they don't do it for the fame,
and they certainly don't do it for the free drinks.
The crowd is certainly getting bigger.
And they're very passionate here...
I've just been struck in the back of the head by a can.
I'm not sure whether you saw that.
We saw it.
Criminal behaviour.
And a waste of good lager.
Look at her! Isn't she gorgeous?
She's already a star.
Yes, she's a star.
And we all know what stars are like. Demanding.
Very demanding.
BABY GRIZZLES Er, Lily May is clearly...
Tell us what's going on.
This is because she wants to be fed, isn't it?
Yeah, our timing... You don't need to apologise.
Our timing's all wrong.
Now, our director can tell us if we can hear OK.
Can we still hear OK? That's good.
I'll have her. Bring her to me.
Fortunately, BBC Breakfast train their presenters
to do more than just grill politicians.
They all have an NVQ in childcare.
Just look at the calming effect of Rachel Burden.
She's a natural, she really is.
So, we don't want to be accused of everyday sexism,
so I think I get her.
Yes, come on, here we go.
I must see if Charlie and Rachel
are available to babysit next time I go to the BAFTAs.
Time for a break and my Big Cock-up Question.
And Ben and Susannah are talking to the cast of Emmerdale
about another disastrous village wedding.
Anthony, tell us a little bit about the disaster that's on the cards.
But what disaster will befall this interview?
Find out after the break.
DAVID WALLIAMS: Welcome back.
Interview cock-ups now. And before the break,
we saw two Emmerdale actors talking about a wedding day disaster.
And I asked, "What disaster will befall this interview?"
Let's find out.
Well, it's meant to be the happiest day of their two lives, really.
FIRE ALARM BLARES
But, yeah, the village is struck by a disaster.
I don't want to give too much away. But it's one of the biggest stories
we've ever filmed in the history of Emmerdale.
And it's just an absolute pleasure to be a part of it.
I'm terribly sorry.
We have a little bit of a drama in the studio.
I don't know whether the Emmerdale script writers have done something,
but our fire alarm appears to be going off in the studio,
which has never, ever happened before.
No. Now, I presume...
just for a moment, if you just pause,
I'm asking the director, does this mean that we evacuate the studio?
It does.
I think, if you hear an alarm and you're told to evacuate the studio,
it's probably a good idea to do so.
More than probably, Susanna. I would say it is a good idea to do so.
Charlie, can you hear the alarm going off in your ear?
We can.
It's very loud. I'm looking forward to taking this out.
Are you sure you guys aren't at the village?
Is Good Morning Britain eligible to win a Soap Award?
I'd vote for them after this.
We're going to leave the studio. And we're going to leave you
with what we call in the business "standby tape".
Yeah, we need to leave. Have a good day. See you tomorrow.
Bye!
Pop stars all know how to make a big entrance.
But megastars, like Lil Nas X, are all about the big exit.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and sharing the music.
Thank you for having me.
A nice vibe you've brought into the studio. Really relaxed.
You can come again. I'll be back tomorrow.
Oh, lovely!
Nas, it's been lovely talking to you. Thank you.
The new EP 7 is out now.
And Nas is off. See you later, Nas.
You see, that's a man...
Can we just say, you walked right across our camera shot?
But, see, you know how to steal the show.
You're going to come back in again now.
Here he comes again. just sit there and relax.
So, the way this works, you have to sit there
so you don't go in front of the cameras.
OK. Next time, that won't happen.
They can't be cross with him. Not with that adorable smile.
Nas, thanks so much. Erm, we're going to be talking...
This is Sonia Kruger, a big TV star in Australia.
Mind you, it sounds like her sister's pretty popular, too.
You've brought your mum onto the set?
Yes. And your sister was doing your hair?
Mum found out I was in Queensland.
And so, yeah, my sister is a hairdresser.
So, if you're looking for a good blow job, she's...
...blow wave, she's down at...
LAUGHTER
Funnily, her salon's called Hair Affair
And it's down on the Gold Coast.
I admire Sonia for trying to move on.
But she's just making it worst.
In America they call it a blow out.
So, I've just had a blow out.
Tell you what, Sonia, your sister's just been booked out for months.
I know. And all I wanted were my tips frosting.
Welcome back. What was that?
DEEP VOICE: Welcome back.
DEEP VOICE: Welcome. Back.
Welcome back.
Sorry.
It's not the best of starts for Vernon and Josie,
as they attempt to interview a pet psychic.
She's brought her dog Misty along.
But for someone who can read animals' minds,
she never saw this coming.
She sleeps with the horses, she'll be out there for hours.
But what do you think Misty is thinking right now,
cos she's actually done a runner?
I'll tell you what Misty's thinking, Misty is thinking, "I love what..."
Oh, Misty's dived into Ainsley's chicken!
That's what Misty's thinking! Misty has dived into the chicken.
She loves reading.
Has she weed?
No, it's not wee.
Misty has taken a little dive for the chicken there.
Wow, look at them frantically clearing up.
That's absolutely brilliant.
Just make sure that Ainsley makes another casserole, please.
Because I don't want that one.
In future, remind me never to snaffle up
any of Ainsley's leftovers.
She is absolutely loving it. She's having a whale of a time.
Of course she is, she's had chicken cooked by Ainsley Harriott.
She's got a full belly, hasn't she? Misty, come on.
Good luck picking up after Misty tomorrow.
My psychic prediction is that you'll need a few extra poo bags.
BBC Breakfast are about to chat to an heroic mountaineer
who saved a life at Everest.
But they're about to peak too soon.
Yeah, former British serviceman Leslie Binns
turned around to save a woman Who'd collapsed
while she was on her trek.
But he's now attempting to scale the world's highest mountain again.
He's going back and joins us now in the studio
ahead of his next mission. Good morning.
I think you have the wrong guest, sir.
Ah...!
You are Todd Langman, aren't you? I am indeed.
I love how the face on the screen
looks just as confused as everyone else.
He doesn't really look like a mountaineer.
I think our mountaineer is that man behind us.
That's the one.
Do you have any heroic stories to tell us?
I have many heroic stories to tell you, but not involving Everest.
Poor Todd only popped in to talk American politics.
And now he has to tell an heroic story before they'll let him go.
Veteran journalist john Simpson.
Who would have thought this interview with Richard and Kate
would be worse than someone pointing a weapon at him?
And I thought, "I've got to... I've got to reassert myself here."
So, I said to the guy who'd fired the gun,
or hadn't fired the gun,
"Do you know what? You're a real wanker."
Oh, sorry!
I'm sorry.
You are so in trouble now
for saying that on breakfast television.
We won't give you a mock execution. You're OK, john. You're OK.
I think people will understand.
Yeah, I think people willfully understand
that you were talking about something a few years on.
Obviously, we apologise to anyone who's offended.
Don't worry about it, john,
I think the guy with the gun is the one who should be apologising.
Political interviews can get a bit heated.
But if things go too far,
the BBC can always rely on the ghost of Freddie Mercury to step in.
Hang on a second, can I please answer?
Well, you had a monologue earlier on.
No, but she does have a point to answer. Yes, please.
OK. So, people are paid really good salaries in this profession.
FROM A PHONE: # Oh, you're gonna Take me home tonight... #
Is that you or is that me? Is that me?
OK... It's you!
Surely you'd remember if you had that ringtone?
Do you know what the next lyric was? No.
This is a conspiracy. People are paid a good salary...
And back to the serious debate.
Like which is better, Bohemian Rhapsody or Radio Gaga?
Actors' cock-ups now.
We always loved it when things went wrong for the real Tommy Cooper.
And it's just as much fun when it happens to Jason Manford.
Right, bottle, glass, glass, bottle. Are you watching?
Now, this trick is all about dexterity, so...
Oh, hang on. Too many bottles. And...
...something else. What's the word?
Concentration, ironically.
Now, bottle, glass, glass, bottle.
Are you watching? Now, this trick is all about dexterity.
Oh, hang on, too many bottles. And...
I forgot the word again. Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Concentration. Concentration!
Just like that. Concentration.
The first lesson in drama school is act like the camera isn't there.
Unfortunately, Tracy-Ann Oberman was off that day.
Showtime! You reapeth what you bloody...
Oh, God! Sorry.
MAN: OK, here we go.
The channel Gold is home to some brilliant new comedies.
They know the secret of great comedy is timing.
What are you on about?
Terry?
Terry...?
Why are you walking like that?
Because I had to walk really slowly.
We came in too late and then I got the giggles.
It's Channel 5's reboot of Prisoner: Cell Block H,
where the "H" stood for "hunger".
And it's just the same in the new version.
You officers are no different to us. You just wear a fancy uniform.
TUMMY RUMBLES
Go to lunch.
BBC Three, and when you deal with cheaters,
don't trust anything that comes out of their mouth.
Yeah. Yeah, me and josh love violence.
We've been tearing through that Scandy crime show True Detective.
Scan Detective. Blah, blah, blah...
So, they go from cheaters to repeaters.
We've been tearing through that Scandy crime show at the moment,
True Detective.
Scan...
Fuck my life! Start again! No-one look at me!
It's TV, we have to look at you.
It's the Richardsons mocumentary on Dave.
But sometimes, real life is funnier than fiction.
MAN: And action.
And the pumps, they're working pumps, yeah?
Yeah, that's working. That'll draw. I just use the mini kegs.
The big kegs are, like, 100 pints.
That would do me some damage,
so I worked out pretty early on I couldn't have them in here.
MAN: Cut.
A scene from Hapless.
They've gone to great trouble to make their cakes
look freshly-baked and delicious.
But this scene has taken a little longer to film than expected.
Well, I met a friend for coffee earlier.
Ropey coffee. And...
The crew are laughing now.
But those cakes are all they have to eat for lunch.
Brassic.
And a tricky one for actors Ryan and joe,
as they try to film in a hot sauna without giggling.
Good luck with that.
Look at him, Vincent. Look him in the eye.
Look, hey, hey...
Ah...!
Let's get out of here, dude. It's fucking weird.
Do you think I'm getting a fat back?
Time for my Big Cock-up Question.
We're heading into the glitzy lives of The Real Housewives Of Cheshire.
And as Lauren pops round to see Dawn,
it's the usual mix of bubbly and blah, blah, blah.
I'm not being the gossiper... You're not being a gossip.
...I just think you needed to know.
It's all friendly now.
But what will cause handbags at Dawn's?
Find out after the break.
Welcome back.
Before the break, we saw The Real Housewives Of Cheshire...
...as Lauren joined Dawn for a tipsy tete-a-tete.
I just think you needed to know.
I asked, "What will cause handbags at Dawn's?"
Let's find out.
Your dog's shitting. It's curling one out.
It's putting me right off.
0i!
Why are you curling a turd out on my stone floor?
She's just saying hello.
What do you mean, she's just saying hello? She's just shit on my floor!
And she loves you, too. Oh, don't stand in it.
I'm not. I just need some tissue. For Christ's sake!
Apologies to anyone at home who's eating chocolate.
What's up with it? Well, where do I put her?
What do you mean? I can't put her outside.
She's got shit all over her.
SHE GAGS
SHE LAUGHS
Give me the tissue.
SHE COUGHS AND GAGS Don't stand in it.
I'm going to need some tissue, doll, and a bin bag.
Just one minute, Lauren. I've got my kitchen trainers on.
Oh, Pix, I don't think you'll be welcome here again.
Why would anyone think that?
Don't worry, Pix, you're welcome on our show any day.
And the creature cock-ups just keep on coming.
This is not what This Morning expected
when they booked an interview with a web designer.
There is the most enormous spider that just ran...
It ran underneath the camera.
I mean, it's like if you've got a spider fear...
Yeah, because they look so big on the telly.
But it's really big. It's really big.
Can someone put a glass over it and, like, let it free outside somewhere?
Embrace it. Get the spider to do the phone-in.
He could take eight calls at once.
What are you doing? What are you doing?
Oh, that was always going to happen! That was always going to happen!
Get a glass.
Can you just make it go that way? We're transmitting this!
Got it! Got it! It's under a glass.
There we go. Right, release it outside.
Well done.
I think they should do that with any guest that plays up,
sit them under a giant glass and let them think about what they've done.
Good afternoon from Werribee Open Range Zoo...
This Australian zoo has a huge conservation program me
to help animals that are in danger of extinction.
But it's the weather presenter who is in danger today.
We're moving around because the rhinoceroses
are getting very close to the back of this ute.
So, we're just making sure that we're all safe.
I think the rhino is jealous of her fabulously smooth skin.
...it climbs into the mid-20s.
And, Brett, I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw back to you
because I'm currently being hunted by a rhino at Werribee Range Zoo.
So, back to you, my friend.
And so the hunted becomes the hunter.
Gino's latest Italian mouthful has brought calm to the studio.
But Holly and Phil may soon regret sending their last guest home.
Who are you fighting?
There's a fly here that's trying to get involved in my pasta,
and it's going to lose!
It's OK, just... Oh, it's on my face!
Did you see it?
I thought you were going over backwards there.
I was about to break the rules to save you.
It's just a friendly fly. I'd got my legs out.
I was perfectly balanced. It's just a friendly fly.
Bring back the friendly spider.
When it was around, the studio was a no-fly zone.
It's National Puppy Day in Australia.
So Dr Lisa is telling viewers how to find their perfect dog.
I would imagine it's any puppy, except for the one on Carl's lap.
Yeah, I've got a small dog that is absolutely nuts
and would be no good in an apartment.
He's a jack Russell. Argh!
Arqh...!
LAUGHTER
What the hell?!
They're a very vicious breed, the Labrador.
They are. Watch out. Sorry. Go on.
That puppy seems pretty perfect to me.
I could do with him being a guest on more TV shows.
Oh, no, he's got my script! I don't know what to ask any more.
I suppose you could ask, "How do you get dog wee out of Astroturf?"
...is so good with Harper. Like, incredible.
Did you have your child first or the dog first?
The dog first. Yeah, interesting.
There's a wee. I've got a wee cleaner.
I can give it a spray.
He chewed up the script and had a wee.
Better out than in, isn't it, hey, little fella?
It's not every show that lets you tear up the script
and have a wee on the floor.
I must see if I can get booked on as a guest.
Quiz cock-ups now.
On Tipping Point, the answers are usually on the tip of your tongue.
But today, they're on a different tip.
Starring Keeley Hawes and Philip Glenister,
which TV series saw the return of DCI Gene Hunt?
Hey! Rosemary?
I don't know. I didn't do that. I didn't touch it.
I don't think it was your hands that buzzed.
I think just a part of you managed to hit the buzzer.
I might have hit the buzzer, I don't know.
I know.
We've never had a boob buzz before.
It's a first for us, too.
Sorry, Rosemary.
You get nothing for a pair in this game.
Pointless.
And Bill Oddie may be famous for being a Goodie,
but as a contestant on a quiz show, I'm afraid he's a baddie.
I'm going to, like Paul,
try and play it safe, I think. PHONE RINGS
Sorry.
Don't be sorry. We love it.
That is literally the first time that's ever happened on the show.
The Price Is Right. It's still big in America.
Although everything is big in America.
They give away great prizes.
But they should really give away maps of the studio.
Nice meeting you, Carrie. Good luck to you.
Derek, come on over here.
Contestant Carrie is dismissed.
But she can't quite remember the way out.
You need a dollar.
No, not that way!
The other way!
Come on down!
Oh, forget it!
Catchphrase.
And with Shaun from The Chase playing,
you know it's going to be competitive.
The chase is on.
Listen, the good news is, on our charity shows we don't want...
BUZZER SOUNDS Hello?
Shaun is so eager to play,
he can't even wait until Stephen has told them the rules.
MACHINE PLAYS A TUNE
What the hell is going on?!
Tenable.
And can I just say that there is absolutely no truth in the rumour
that the show got its name from the number of takes
that Warwick Davis needs to read out his questions.
Seven things and three places
that the lead singer of Right Said Fred
mentions he is too sexy for in the song I'm Too Sexy.
This is according to...
Sorry.
So sorry.
I just started hearing Borat. He does a...
# I'm too sexy... #
Keep going.
My word. This is serious. This is very serious.
The seven things...
OK, it's all right.
Third time lucky.
The seven things in three places the lead singer of Right Said Fred...
No.
Come on, Warwick, you can do it.
The seven things...
Hm!
Awful, isn't it?
I can't get that out of my head now what he's singing, Borat.
# I'm too sexy... #
All right, here we go.
The seven things and three places
that the lead singer of Right Said Fred mentions he is...
D'oh!
The seven things and three places
that the lead singer of Right Said Fred mentions
he is too sexy for in the song I'm Too Sexy.
This is according to the lyrics of...
We'll spare your blushes, Warwick, and move on.
You are too sexy for this clip.
Sorry about this, Paul. It's OK.
I'm sorry. OK, all right, good.
We're back with Alan Carr's Epic Games how.
With a different quiz in every episode,
Alan has a lot of rules to remember.
So, it's no wonder he can miss some of the smaller details.
I'm sorry Amy and Steve, but that means we have to say goodbye.
But nobody leaves this show empty-handed.
You take home your Bulls eye tankard and darts.
Your very own Bully.
And £175.
Did Alan say £175?
He's diddled them out of 100 quid!
Give them a round of applause.
CH EERING AND APPLAUSE
And so they're off. Let's hope Alan spots his mistake.
Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, love.
They actually got 275. I've taken...
They did.
I said you had 175. I know.
I was like, "Excuse me, I thought we got more than that!"
Don't you have a go at me, love!
LAUGHTER
I think you're short-changing us!
LAUGHTER
We're not done yet.
There's just time for the weather with Sky's jo Wheeler.
Stay with us.
And, in fact, what happening is the area of high pressure which, erm...
Excuse me, Eamon! The area of high...
OK, Eamon, we can take a hint.
Thanks to all our stars, and good night!
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