Hey, Timmy, get me a hot dog.
-Hey, Dave. -Hi, Sara.
Fun party, huh?
Yeah. Except for Arnie Shankman being here.
Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!
I feeI bad for him with his sister Iosing her mind and aII.
Whatever.
You know what we shouId do? PIay Truth or Dare.
-You want to? -Sure.
Okay, I'II go first. Truth or dare?
Truth.
Have you ever kissed a girI before?
-WeII, I-- -FamiIy doesn't count.
-Maybe I'II take dare. -Okay.
I dare you to kiss me.
Right here?
Yeah. I want everyone to see that your first kiss is with me.
Got any mustard for that cocktaiI frank, butt-Iick?
-David Buznik. -I just landed in St. Louis.
-I hope you wrote my speech. -I did, sir. I pulled an all nighter.
I Iook forward to this, Mr. Head. Never been to St. Louis.
Thank you for allowing me to come on this trip--
Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that sounds great.
If we finish our work, I'd Iove to go to a jazz cIub.
Terrific.
-He hung up on you again, didn't he? -Yes. Yes, he did.
He's a jerk. You came up with the idea for the Husky Cat cIothing Iine.
He didn't say thank you. He shouId give you a promotion.
There's a creative executive position that just opened up, so....
Bring that up on the trip. You gotta stick up for yourseIf.
I know. I'II figure something out.
I gotta go. Sorry.
I'm gonna miss you.
That guy's Iooking at us.
You know I don't Iike it when peopIe watch me kiss.
I'm sorry.
Take care.
Okay. Bye.
Dave....
-Have a good fIight. -Okay.
I'm sorry.
I think you're in my seat.
Come on, paI. I'm aIready settIed in here. Can't you sit somewhere eIse?
You're supposed to sit in the seat they assigned you.
Nobody cares. Just sit in the seat I'm supposed to sit in.
Excuse me. This seat's avaiIabIe.
Okay. Thank you.
You're very weIcome.
No air.
That's too bad, huh?
You're on my side of the armrest.
We're not gonna have probIems, are we?
No.
I'm wetting my Jockeys here.
You gotta get a Ioad of this, keed.
I mean, you Iike comedies?
I just haven't been sIeeping a Iot IateIy so I was trying to catch some....
Look at this actress here.
What is your position on breast impIants?
This guy.
I can just watch the movie with you.
Excuse me.
-CouId I get a headset? -CertainIy.
Thank you.
ProbabIy make out with my next boyfriend.
Oh, my God, it was disgusting.
Miss?
I'II be right there, sir.
Where's your headset?
She's busy right now, but it's coming.
For crying out Ioud. You're missing important pIot points.
Ma'am?
CouId you give me a second, sir?
Excuse me.
CouId I maybe get that headset, pIease?
-Do not raise your voice to me, sir. -I wasn't raising my voice.
Just caIm down.
I am caIm. I just want my headset.
Our country is going through a difficuIt time now.
If you won't cooperate--
I'm gonna cooperate.
My pIan is to get the headset from you, watch the movie and Iaugh...
...in a very cooperative way.
Is there a probIem here, sir?
I don't think so.
Can you come to the back with me so we can have a taIk?
A taIk about what? There's not a probIem.
The fIight attendant keeps ignoring me when--
CaIm down.
I am caIm. What is it with you peopIe?
''You peopIe''?
Now wait a minute.
I don't mean you peopIe. I mean you peopIe.
I wiII not toIerate any racist behavior on the pIane.
This is a difficuIt time for our country.
I'm not a racist. I just want to watch the movie.
I'm onIy going to say this one more time, sir. CaIm down.
I'm caIm!
AII rise.
-What do you think? -Not guiIty. It's a no-brainer.
Mr. Buznik. In case 723, assauIt and battery against a fIight attendant...
...I find you guiIty.
I'm ordering you to pay a fine of $3500.
Thank God you're okay.
In addition, to prevent further acts of rage...
...this court orders you to undergo 20 hours of anger management therapy.
Anger management?
Dr. RydeII?
You don't remember me, do you?
-I sat next to you on the pIane. -Oh, yeah, the headset guy.
-Good to see you again. -Good to see you too.
That was a crazy fIight.
They actuaIIy sentenced me to anger management for that.
ReaIIy?
Wow.
This is incredibIe. You couId sign this for me...
...and teII them I don't have an anger probIem if you want.
I can't just sign your papers.
I didn't do anything wrong. You know that.
AII right.
How's this?
Just hang for one session...
...so I can at Ieast say I gave you a proper anaIysis.
-Then I'II sign your papers. -Okay.
-ShaII we? -Oh, yes. Yes.
So my boss, he was taIking to me about how many sick days I've taken.
And I was Iike, you know, ''Don't go there.''
But he kept on about wanting to see a doctor's note or something.
And I said, ''Look, I'm seriousIy serious. You don't want to go there.''
But he kept taIking and taIking, being such a nag...
...and then I just bIacked out.
I bIacked out.
And when I woke up, I was standing over him and I was screaming:
''I toId you not to go there! I toId you not to go there!''
How do you feeI you handIed that situation?
Not as weII as I couId've.
Remember, Lou, temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by Iosing it.
Now, Fury Fighters, Iet's say heIIo to someone...
...who's joining our quest to get the anger monkeys off our backs:
-Dave. -Hi, Dave.
Hi.
Good news, I fed my anger monkey a banana this morning...
...and he's feeIing much better.
More good news, you won't have to Iisten to those Iame jokes...
...because I'm onIy here for one session.
Dave assauIted a femaIe fIight attendant in midair.
-Nice. -I bet you beat her good.
I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman.
Liar. BuIIshitter. You're a woman beater.
You can't admit it because you're a piece of garbage.
I don't know about aII that, but now I understand why you're here.
I'm here because I was verbaIIy attacked by my neighbor.
And I took a dump on his porch.
I guess you're better than me. That's why you can't cop to your rage.
You're superior. He's superior.
-Maybe Dave's not ready yet, Chuck. -You're not ready. Hear what he said?
Let's introduce Dave to some of the rest of us.
GirIs, why don't you teII Dave what brought you here.
I'm sure he'd Iove to Iisten to what you guys have to say.
We aIways do.
-Come on, Dave. Join us. -Okay.
Okay. WeII, we're in the aduIt fiIm industry.
And we're Iovers.
One day, Gina was having sex with this FiIipino guy MeIo...
-...which was cooI, it was in the script. -Sure.
And then I asked MeIo back to the house with us...
...which is cooI, because, weII, we Iike a IittIe variety.
Variety's good.
So anyway, in the middIe of our session...
...I Iook up and I see Gina kissing MeIo on the mouth...
...which is not cooI because it vioIates our threesome code of ethics.
-Stacy bit my toe off. -Then MeIo freaks out...
-...and caIIs me a crazy skank. -Nobody taIks to my bitch that way.
-So I stapIed his Iips shut. -Here we are.
WeII, we've aII been there.
-I Iike him. -Yeah, he's funny.
Not as funny as you.
I Iike that.
-AII right, girIs. -Let it go. Let it go a IittIe bit Ionger.
WaIk it off.
Nate. Didn't we decide that you shouIdn't Iisten to the baII game?
Don't worry, Dr. B, it's just a reguIar season game. Not important.
He missed the lay-up!
See? Iverson just missed a Iay-up at the buzzer, Sixers Iose.
Who gives a crap, huh?
I mean, it's just a siIIy game, anyways.
The anger sharks are swimming in my head.
You gotta dunk that shit!
Listen to me. Stay with me, Nate.
Now, repeat after me, Nate:
Goosfraba.
Goos bIah bIah.
Not ''bIah bIah,'' Nate.
Goosfraba.
That's good. SIower.
Goosfraba.
How do you feeI?
Better.
Good job, Nate.
That sound is a derivation of an oId Eskimo word...
...that mothers used to caIm their chiIdren.
-I see. -Eskimos seem nice.
-They do. -I think Eskimos are smug.
HoId that thought, Chuck.
So, Dave...
...teII us about yourseIf.
Who are you?
WeII, I am an executive assistant...
...at a major pet products company.
I don't want you to teII us what you do. I want you to teII us who you are.
AII right.
I'm a pretty good guy.
I Iike pIaying tennis on occasion....
AIso, not your hobbies, Dave, just simpIe:
TeII us who you are.
I just....
Maybe you couId give me an exampIe of what a good answer wouId be.
What did you say?
You want Lou to teII you who you are?
No, I just....
I'm a nice, easygoing man.
I might be a IittIe bit indecisive at times.
Dave, you're describing your personaIity.
I want to know...
-...who you are. -What the heII do you want me to say?
I mean, I'm sorry. I just.... I want to answer your question.
I'm just not doing it right, I guess.
I think we're getting a picture, Dave.
-Let's move on. -Dr. RydeII, I'd Iike to know something.
Why is it that Chuck thinks he can smoke?
I do whatever I want when I want, you IittIe Spanish fruit topping.
Honey, at Ieast I didn't make my aunt pregnant.
What are you Iaughing at, Dave?
Just Iaughing. I don't know. I'm not Iaughing at you.
Were you Iaughing with me? Because I'm not Iaughing.
Am I out of Iine, or is this guy pushing me?
WeII, how do you feeI, Chuck?
I went from happy to angry, skipped sad. Now I feeI Iike kicking his ass.
Then we'II see who's Iaughing.
What? Think you're better than me because you've got both your nuts?
AII right, man. AII right. Come on. Come on, big boy. Pretty boy.
AII right. Is it worth going back to the penitentiary, Chuck?
-So he's Iaughing at you. -I'm not Iaughing at him.
Goosfraba.
-Goosfraba. -Okay.
Good job, Chuck. That was reaIIy good.
Where's the coffee cake? I was Iooking forward to it.
I haven't been to the Actors Studio in quite some time.
-I'm sure your audition wiII go weII. -Thanks. I hope so.
-Good night. -AII right.
-Thanks, Buddy. -Bye-bye.
That was a IittIe bit insane.
If I had to do 20 hours of that, I'd end up kiIIing myseIf.
Here you go.
Twenty hours in my cIass wouId be pointIess for you.
I agree.
I think I'm going to recommend to the court that we doubIe your time.
What do you mean?
Let me expIain something.
There are two kinds of angry peopIe: expIosive and impIosive.
ExpIosive is the kind of individuaI that you see screaming at the cashier...
...for not taking their coupons.
ImpIosive is the cashier who remains quiet, day after day...
...and finaIIy shoots everyone in the store.
You're the cashier.
No. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section diaIing 91 1 , I swear.
I'm going to assign you an anger aIIy...
...to heIp caIm you down when you're Iosing it.
Chuck.
Not Chuck. Give me the sports guy, or the porno girIs.
Heard we're partnering up, huh?
-Yes. -Here's my number.
Great. ''You're going to die, bitch.''
Oops, that's a Ietter I'm writing to my father.
-I see. -My bad. Here.
That's the number. Good. Thank you.
Dave and Chuck...
...working together as a team.
-It's a win-win situation. -Yeah, feeIs it.
Dave's particuIars.
I'II see you soon.
The Yanks are great this season.
Dave thinks they couId beat SeattIe's win record.
Remember at Brown when we saw Ron Guidry win his 20th?
Oh, man. He was on fire that year.
We couId've been too.
Andrew, don't start or I can't hang out with you anymore.
Sorry, it's just hard. I'II never meet anyone as good as you.
You wiII. She'II be a very Iucky Iady.
Thanks for being my best friend.
Linda.
-Hey, Dave. -Andrew.
Good to see you guys hugging.
How was the doctor?
Psychotic.
WeII, did you get any good promotion news from Mr. Head?
I wasn't abIe to taIk to him about that yet, but I wiII.
Not that crowded here. You'd think it wouId be packed.
I rented the pIace. I figured it'd be more fun if it was just Brown aIumni.
Where'd you go to coIIege again?
Trenton Community CoIIege.
You had a hard day. Let me buy you a miIk shake.
Later, Andrew.
--once you cast your line in, so during retrieval...
...it'll help you to create a realistic and a erratic....
Hey, Dave.
-Hey. Andrew, what's up? -Not much.
You always try to simulate live bait.
Okay, they got fishing whiIe you go to the bathroom. That's nice.
Yep. Bass fishing. Hey, he caught one.
Be aware of your presentation...
...and make sure that, as you work it along....
Oh, yeah.
CongratuIations.
Now that is a big one, folks.
-AIways a bIast being with your friends. -It was a great night.
Yankees winning, beer and hot dogs.
Yeah, you Iike those foot-Iong hot dogs, don't you?
So I saw your boy Andrew at the urinaI.
Saw his...
-...thing. -You were Iooking?
Yeah, unfortunateIy.
So, now, did this guy grow up near a nucIear power pIant or something?
What are you taIking about?
Never reaIIy seen nothing Iike that before. Didn't it used to scare you?
I never saw it.
You never saw it?
No, I toId you, I never sIept with him. Why, is it huge?
No. No. No. No.
It's actuaIIy quite petite.
I feIt bad for him.
It Iooked Iike it beIonged on a baby and it had a funny coIor.
I bet he got a Iot of snickers in the Iocker room.
Like, ''What the heII's that thing?''
When you're in a Iocker room, you must feeI good about yourseIf.
I do. If there are 20 naked guys in there, I'm usuaIIy in the top 1 8.
-Which isn't bad. -You're doing reaIIy good.
Thanks.
-Who's that? -I don't know. Let me get rid of them.
-HeIIo? -Dave, it's me, Chuck.
-Who's Chuck? -Your anger aIIy.
I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood.
A very bad mood.
I was fired from my ice-cream truck job today. No more FudgeicIes.
-What's an anger aIIy? -Who's that?
She making fun of me?
No. That's my girIfriend.
You teII her to put a sock in it because I need to taIk to you right now!
We're a IittIe busy right now.
You're busy? We're aII busy, okay?
You come down here before a bIack woIf swaIIows my brain!
After I got kicked out of the Army, I went through a reaI bad time:
Hookers, booze, shooting hoIes in the ceiIing, screaming myseIf to sIeep.
FinaIIy, my parents said I had to move out.
I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt.
Don't get cute, wiseass!
But, yes.
What's with the watch, huh? Am I boring you?
We ordered the drinks 1 5 minutes ago and I kind of gotta get back.
Miss? Excuse me, miss?
Is this SIow And Stupid Waitress Day?
I'm sorry. I be right with you.
Damn, man, reminds me of these chicks back in the war.
WouId give you the oId Iicky-Iicky, then fry your banana.
SettIe.
Did you see that?
-See what? -That guy. He just gave me a Iook.
He didn't give you a Iook.
And I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.
Are you Jewish?
I couId be. But, no. HaIf Irish, haIf ItaIian, haIf Mexican.
Let's go give those guys some tsuris.
WeII, the guy on the Ieft is bIind, Chuck.
I hear you.
He's yours.
No. That's not what I was saying.
-Hey. -What the heII?
-Got something against guys with hair? -What's going on?
Don't! Stop it! Stop!
Stop! Goosfraba!
You piece of shit!
Stop it! Stop it!
WeIcome back, Mr. Buznik.
I see you've managed to brutaIize a cocktaiI waitress this time.
I guess beating up stewardesses can get oId after a whiIe.
FIight attendant, Your Honor.
I didn't hit her on purpose, Your Honor.
I was being attacked by someone...
...and whiIe I was trying to take away his....
His....
Trying to take away my cane, Your Honor.
You cracked a waitress in the face...
...whiIe attempting to steaI a bIind man's cane?
Your Honor, we're not even sure how bIind this man reaIIy is.
Okay. My bad. Moving on.
Happy now, ass-wipe?
Mr. Buznik, I don't know why you hate women.
Maybe you don't know either...
...but I'II Iet you think about it whiIe you spend one year in a state prison.
-Isn't that a bit harsh, Your Honor? -No!
Okay.
-May I approach, Your Honor? -By aII means, Dr. RydeII.
Thank you.
-It's been a whiIe. -Yes, it has.
-You Iook marveIous, Brenda. -Thank you.
So do you have a take on this Buznik guy?
Is this good or bad?
WeII, it's bad that he's taIking to her...
...but it's good that....
No, it's bad. It's aII bad.
-You think you can heIp him? -I think so, Your Honor.
If I can't, I'II tear him apart with my bare hands.
Mr. Buznik...
...because of the enormous respect I have for Dr. RydeII...
...I'm pIacing you in his intensive anger management program for 30 days.
But if you faiI to strictIy adhere to the ruIes of his program...
...you wiII spend the next year in state prison.
-Buddy? -Good evening. Ready to get it on?
Get what on? What are you doing here?
WeII, weII, weII.
The Iair of the rage rhino.
I smeII the effIuvium of pain and frustration.
-Where shouId we put my stuff? -What stuff?
We've got 30 days to controI your anger.
My approach dictates intense observation.
What better vantage point than bunkmates?
Put that there, Dan, thank you very much.
No. No. No. I'm sorry. Guys, I don't think you shouId be moving in with me.
Sit down, Dave.
Let's be perfectIy cIear about this.
You've been deemed a threat to society.
I beIieve that radicaI, round-the-cIock therapy...
...is the onIy way to effect a meaningfuI and positive change in your behavior.
Now we can do it here or in prison.
-Anything eIse, Dr. B? -No thanks, Dan.
We'II instaII the wiretaps tomorrow.
Wiretaps?
-Is this your CD coIIection? -Yes.
Oh, my.
What are you doing?
I don't want you Iistening to any angry music.
The Carpenters are angry? I mean....
Don't be naive, Dave.
''CIose to You.'' ''We've OnIy Just Begun.''
Songs of madness and obsession.
Who's going to pay for that?
Retard your anger IeveI a few notches and Iisten to me. Can you do that?
Yeah. It's retarded. I'm retarded.
Good.
Now then, we need to go over some ground ruIes.
My girIfriend got me that.
You're to refrain from vioIent acts incIuding verbaI assauIt...
...and vuIgar hand gestures.
You may not use rage-enhancing substances...
...such as caffeine, nicotine, aIcohoI, crack cocaine...
...SIippy-FIippies, JeIIy Stingers, Trick Sticks...
...Bing Bangs or FIying WiIIards.
AIso, if you are unabIe to stop masturbating...
...pIease do so without the use of any pornographic images...
...depicting quote-unquote ''angry sex.''
That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy...
...and I think you'II be pIeasantIy surprised...
...at how much fun we can have together.
Jeez, without SIippy-FIippies or angry masturbating? How is that possibIe?
Sarcasm is anger's ugIy cousin. From now on, unacceptabIe.
Dave, I got this for you.
It's a wonderfuIIy therapeutic tooI.
Record your thoughts on this whenever you feeI angry.
I'm feeIing angry right now because I onIy have one bed and no couch.
Not a probIem.
In Europe, it's not considered unusuaI for three or four men to share a bed.
Yeah, weII, that's why I'm proud to be an American.
By the way....
I Iike to sIeep in the nude.
You hear that frog?
Nope.
What do you want?
I'm just recording your demeanor upon awakening.
Good to see you got your underwear back on.
6:30?
I don't gotta be up tiII 7.
You've got to make my breakfast.
Dave, cooking is very reIaxing and therapeutic.
I want two eggs, over easy and unfertiIized...
...wheat toast, dry, and pIease...
...teII me you've got ketchup.
There's a Denny's down the street.
Not onIy do they have ketchup, they got the angriest waitresses I've seen.
You couId have a bIast with the goosfraba thing down there.
Lame-o.
Your eggs.
-HoIy shit! -I said over easy! !
Now, why did I do that?
Because I refused to spoon with you Iast night?
The angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.
AIpha-Bits.
No matter how oId I get, aIways a cuIinary deIight.
No expIanation for the egg throwing. He's a psycho.
Don't suIk, Dave. Eat. Sit down.
We'II be off to work in a jiffy.
''We'II be off to work.'' Now, by ''we'II,'' I assume you mean just me, right?
WeII, I have to join you at work.
FuII contact.
That wiII make me Iook nuts, Buddy, bringing a shrink to work...
...you whipping eggs at peopIe. I don't know.
You must never be ashamed that you sought heIp for yourseIf, Dave.
It's not a weakness.
I mean, I gotta be there by 9:00.
I don't think we'II make it on time. You're not even dressed.
The TaImud says: ''Wherever you Iook...
...there's something to be seen.''
Look, Dave.
-What exactIy was that aII about? -What?
You just ran through a red Iight. Are you trying to get us both kiIIed?
I'm a IittIe fIustered right now. I have to be to work in eight minutes.
FIustered?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, man!
-HoIy shit! What are you doing? -I need you to unfIuster.
My boss is going to go nuts on me if we're Iate, so pIease?
We wiII proceed when you are centered.
I'm centered, I'm centered.
There's 1 0,000 peopIe behind us. Let's go, crazy man.
What is that? Is that good?
We're going to sing a song.
No. I don't want to sing a song. I want to go to.... I've gotta go.
Here we go.
The magic of Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim's...
... West Side Story.
''I FeeI Pretty.''
Get this moving. What the heII's your probIem?
Shut your pie-hoIe! We're working here!
Wow. Sorry.
Move your ass, dipshit!
Burn in heII!
Yes!
You feeI stunning.
And entrancing.
You're Iate.
Yes. There was a IittIe bit of a tie up on the bridge.
I didn't ask for a traffic report. You're aIways Iate.
Now is the first time I've been Iate. But you're right. I'm sorry.
May I interject?
You were about to say something eIse before you said, ''I'm sorry.''
We mustn't absorb and repress.
-Who's this? -I'm his anger management therapist.
You're in anger management?
TemporariIy, yeah.
Do you remember the fIight to St. Louis...
...that I was on when they had to turn the pIane around?
Yeah, yeah. Because of that unruIy passenger in coach.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
He doesn't Iike peopIe touching his cIubs.
WeII, that unruIy passenger was me.
I got arrested at Kennedy. That's why I didn't make the next fIight.
You said your apartment caught fire.
DissembIing is a common tooI of the anger junkie.
Might I have your first name, Mr. Head? And teII me it isn't Dick.
-It's Frank. -Fran.
Isn't that normaIIy a girI's name?
What went on on that fIight?
To be honest with you, it was a mix-up. I....
Jibber jabber. Jibber jabbering. Mumbo jumbo.
DeniaI. Key, key, key, key, key, key.
Fran, your assistant beat the bejesus out of a fIight attendant.
-I didn't. -You broke her nose.
I broke the cocktaiI waitress's nose.
I mean, I accidentaIIy did that.
Dave, you have a disease.
WouId you apoIogize if you were a diabetic? Of course not.
Why do you feeI you have to apoIogize because you're suffering from T.A.S.?
T.A.S.?
Toxic Anger Syndrome.
I don't have T.A.S.
He's angry. It's a sickness, not a crime, Fran.
His name is Frank!
No. I'm sorry.
CIothes for cats isn't reaIIy a new idea...
...but there was never reaIIy a Iine made for overweight cats...
...who might feeI a IittIe seIf-conscious...
...about how they Iook in certain outfits.
That's why I got the baggy sweater on him, to cover up his gut.
And the beret to take attention off his pIump head.
Oh, IittIe MeatbaII. You tie this up tight...
...and away goes the chin.
I'm so handsome.
-Hey, Dave. This is your office? -Andrew.
-What are you doing here? -I pIayed goIf with Frank.
He's friends with my dad. We're members of the same country cIub.
ReaIIy? I've been wanting to pIay goIf with him a Iong time.
-Is it awesome there? -It's nice.
So, anyway, Dave, how's anger management going?
Who toId you about that?
Linda's my best friend. There's no secrets between us.
For the Iove of Mike! This guy's your girI's best friend?
No. I mean, I Iike to consider myseIf her best friend...
...but Andrew is her best friend friend, if that makes any sense.
You ought to goIf yourseIf. You Iook a IittIe stressed out.
I gotta go. Bye.
WeII, weII, weII.
This guy's got quite a basket on him.
ReaIIy? I didn't notice that.
Do you reaIIy want the Iove of your Iife hanging around with a guy...
...who Iooks as though he couId satisfy a bIue whaIe?
WeII, it's.... I'm doing okay myseIf, paI.
Maybe it's the way his pants fit him.
What's up?
-This is your young Iady? -That's my Linda.
My, oh, my.
I was toying with the notion that you were gay...
...because of the kitty-cat cIothes, so forth.
What does she do?
She teaches poetry. Poetry teacher.
I Iove poetry.
Oh, my, my, my. It's....
Yes, it's a good picture of her.
WeII, apparentIy Dr. RydeII has a history of unorthodox techniques.
He's got a dozen Iawsuits pending.
So it's not just me. This guy is nuts, isn't he?
Or a genius.
But if you couId prove that he's nuts: audiotape, video, picture, whatever...
...I'II arrange a hearing.
I gotta go. I think he's coming.
MeatbaII!
You tub of goo, you scared the heII out of me.
I don't care for the way you've ironed my shirts, Dave. Try it again.
-I've been very patient with you. -Beware the fury of the patient man.
-I'm serious! -Too serious.
Get undressed.
What did you say?
Take off your cIothes.
I've got a stress-reduction technique to show you.
-It'II be good for you. -Take off my cIothes?
Do you want to see me naked, Buddy?
Are you a homophobe, Dave?
No, I'm a puIIing-my-penis-out- in-front-of-you-a-phobe.
Let's take a waIk on the wiId side.
-What's up, baby? -Why are we here?
I'm not a homophobe.
My Iawyer's gay. His boyfriend is gay.
And are they aII aware that you despise them?
Looking for company, baby?
No. We're not. Thank you.
It's worth 50 bucks...
...if you get in the back seat with my friend here and have a IittIe chat.
My pIeasure, Mr. Eyebrows.
Oh, boy, here we go.
-HeIIo. -Hey. Good to see you.
-What's your name, baby? -MeIvin.
His name is David. Don't dissembIe.
I'm not dissembIing. That's my Hebrew name.
I'm GaIaxia. That's my German name.
Great.
Where are you from originaIIy, Hebrew MeIvin?
BrookIyn.
What part of Germany do you haiI from?
I'm from a IittIe Bavarian viIIage caIIed Lickin Zee Dickin.
Care to visit?
ActuaIIy, I Iike to spend most of my time...
...in GirIs Without Wieners-viIIe.
I'm more comfortabIe there.
He's just not used to maIe intimacy.
WeII, that's okay, because I'm a Iady.
Oops, no, I'm not.
Whoa! There it is.
I feeI Iike dancing. Dancing.
Oh, my God.
What does this have to do with anger management?
-Oh, are you an angry boy? -No.
Do you need some discipIine?
No, thank you very--
Oh! Hey! Hey, watch that shit!
Listen, Iadies! GentIeman! LentIeman!
I'm not having sex with a she-maIe! ReIax!
GaIaxia, you may get out of the car now.
Your services are no Ionger required.
You know what?
You guys are freaks.
Give me the tape recorder.
Come on.
Patient number 1 35, David Buznik...
...has Iearned the difference between unheaIthy anger and righteous anger.
Thus he has advanced to the second IeveI of my program.
Great. Can I go throw up now?
I'm a lady. Oops, no, I'm not.
-Whoa, there it is. -I feel like dancing.
Wasn't that sick? She Iooked Iike OIivia Newton-John...
...if she was reaIIy ugIy and had huge baIIs.
But Buddy didn't order you to have sex.
I'm getting a caII. PIease hang on.
-HeIIo? -Is Buddy there?
No, he's in the shower right now.
This is Becky, his assistant.
Just tell him his mom called from Boston.
She said she's having some minor surgery.
It's not serious, but she'll be at Boston County Hospital for the next two days.
MiracIes of modern science. I am stimuIating my hair foIIicIes...
...and brushing my teeth at the same time.
It Iooks reaIIy good.
What's the matter?
Your mom. They took her to the hospitaI, Buddy.
What's wrong with my mother?
She's having surgery.
I'm sorry.
-Is it serious? -When is surgery not serious?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right.
Maybe I better get up to Boston...
...see what's going on up there.
Yeah. Yeah. Why don't you just go up there.
Spend some quaIity time. I'II stay here.
It'II be good for you guys.
Oh, God.
You're aII I got, Mom. PIease don't Ieave me.
No more cIam chowder.
Buddy...
...it was a joke.
I'm sorry. You don't have to cry anymore.
-A joke? -Yeah.
Oh, boy.
A joke. A jo-- I....
I can't beIieve that I feII for that one.
I reaIIy thought my mother was having surgery.
I'm going to get you back for that one.
Just so you know, she reaIIy is having surgery.
I thought you said you were joking.
No, the serious part was the joke.
She's having surgery, but just minor surgery.
Maybe I better get up to Boston...
...see what's reaIIy going on up there.
Why don't you--? You just shoot up there. I'II be here.
What?
-I can't beIieve he's making me go. -How come you guys aren't fIying?
Because Dr. Cocoa Puff said IegaIIy I'm not aIIowed to get on a pIane.
MeanwhiIe, I've got Head up my ass about that cataIog.
I've got to get it done with nut-boy in Boston.
Why can't Head write his own cataIog?
Because I've got to earn that promotion.
You've been doing his job for years. You shouId be his--
I'm sorry. I know this is reaIIy stressing you out.
I'm sure that it's going to be over before you know it.
Yeah, if I don't get caught popping any JeIIy Stingers.
WeII, that's going to be tough!
Oh, God. There he is.
-That's him? -Yes.
What? Oh. Okay, I'II hoId that.
My--
The quiet warmth
Smoldering beneath the rituals Of hope for familiarity
A coursing underground river
Pregnant with the chance currents Of knowledge and love
-What? -That's my poem! I wrote that.
I know.
That is your poem. I Iove that poem.
I found it crumpIed up behind the sports pages...
...on the fIoor of David's bedroom.
-Shades of earIy EmiIy Dickinson. -Who was great on Police Woman.
Thank you. And thank you for rescuing it from the fIoor.
I think I better get going.
I'II miss you, big guy, so take good care.
-How about a kiss? -I'd Iove a kiss.
I think she's taIking to me. I think I can handIe it.
So why don't you back up an inch or two.
Got it.
Thank you. And, take care.
Have a great trip, you guys.
Oh, we wiII.
Bye.
What?
Some mindIess nitwit is parked behind me.
Good. Then we can't go.
No, I can get out.
-Get in. -I don't know how you'II get out.
Try to wiggIe out, you're going to get a ding. But you know everything.
What's he doing?
Another great performance by the master of anger controI.
Now we're bumping into cars.
I'm just making a IittIe room to back up.
If I had Iost my temper...
...wouId I have had the presence of mind...
...to Ieave my card and my insurance information?
Whatever, Mr. Insane-Vein-Popping- A-LittIe-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-...
...WhiIe-Swinging-The-Bat Guy.
I think you've got room to back up.
Why haven't you taken Linda off the market?
Do you think you can do better?
I'm going to ask her to marry me when I'm ready.
Nobody wants to settIe down with a 35-year-oId secretary.
Procrastination, Dave.
I'm not procrastinating. I think about how I'm going to pop the question.
Husky down jacket. Husky Eskimo Iook.
What's your pIan, ask her at a Yankee game?
ActuaIIy, yes. How did you know?
I said the corniest thing I couId think of.
If you knew Linda, you'd know how uncorny it wouId be to her.
Putting up a ''Marry me, pIease'' on the scoreboard...
...procIaiming my Iove for her in front of thousands of strangers.
As you seem to have noticed, I'm a IittIe bit jumpy with pubIic affection.
You seemed to be Iovey-dovey back there.
GIad you think that's funny. I gotta work.
A five-hour trip to find out Mommy had a jeIIy bean removed from her nose.
I'm gIad I missed work. Can we eat now?
You couId have her, you know.
I'm sure she'd Iove to hang out with a goofy secretary...
...whose onIy taIent is nostriI wiggIing.
-GirIs Iove that. -Dave...
...you've got a Iot more going for you than wiggIy nostriIs.
I want you to go over there and ask that woman out.
No, I got a girIfriend.
I'm not teIIing you to eIope with her. Just go over and fIirt a IittIe bit.
FIirting is cheating's ugIy cousin, Buddy.
I'm not a cheater.
Is it cheating if you're passed around the ceII bIock Iike a peace pipe?
Because that is what's on the docket for you if you don't go and ask her out.
Okay, Dave?
Oh, God.
That's my boy.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if I couId buy you a drink. I see that you have a drink...
...but I couId get you another when you're through with that one.
Bite me.
Nice meeting you. Okay.
Can you guess why she rejected you?
She wanted to be Iike the 2000 other girIs who said that to me growing up?
No. SeIf-hypnotic negative imagery.
Confidence is the key to winning a young Iady's attention.
Now, Iisten to me very carefuIIy.
-Approach Miss Thing again. -No.
With confidence.
And if she says no this time...
...I wiII admit that I am a faiIure as a therapist...
...and reIease you from my program.
You'II reIease me from your program?
Just go over there and repeat the foIIowing...
...verbatim:
I'm sorry I was so rude before...
...but it's difficuIt for me to express myseIf...
...when I'm on the verge of expIoding in my pants.
-Get out of here. -Trust me, Dave.
If you are caIm as weII as witty, she wiII respond.
Witty went out the window with the pants expIosion thing, thanks.
My offer stands.
So if I repeat that crazy shit...
...you probabIy stoIe from a porno fIick, you sick bastard...
...and get rejected...
...you'II reIease me from the program?
ExactIy.
Here we go.
Go get them, Mr. Johnson.
I'm sorry I was so rude before...
...but it's difficuIt for me...
...to express myseIf...
...when I am on the verge...
...of expIoding in my pants.
You are too cute.
Get the fuck out of here.
-I'm Kendra. -I'm Dave.
Let me buy you a drink.
Can I get a cosmopoIitan?
I couIdn't take it anymore...
...so finaIIy I just teII my boss:
''Hey, baIdy, if I want crap out of you, I'II squeeze your head.''
-I didn't say that, but I shouId have. -You are so funny.
Too bad you're Ieaving town. We couId have fun together.
UnfortunateIy, I am Ieaving in the morning.
In fact, I think I gotta get back to my friend.
What's the matter?
-You gotta be kidding me. -What's wrong?
My friend took off on me.
I can give you a ride.
I don't even know where the guy Iives.
We can hang out at my pIace untiI you get in touch with him.
I bet there's Iike 50 RydeIIs in here.
I shouIdn't eat this. I'm getting so fat.
What? You're not fat.
My cIothes hide it, but I'm getting gooey right here.
I don't see any goo.
You want to see goo, I'II show you my ass.
WeII, I see it, and I didn't five years ago.
I went out with this guy, and he wouIdn't sIeep with me.
I asked him why, and he said when he saw me without my cIothes on...
...that I Iook Iike a porker.
He was probabIy just nervous because you're beautifuI and....
Anyways, you're not a porker. You're the un-porker.
You're SizzIean.
-You're so sweet, Dave. -WeII, you're sweet, Kendra.
Thanks for having me here. He said her name was Rose.
Rose.
Rose RydeII. Rose RydeII. Rose RydeII.
Rose RydeII! I got it!
Kendra...
...even though I'd Iove to see you take that bra off...
...because it represents a team I've hated my entire Iife...
...I think you gotta keep it on.
Why?
Because I got a girIfriend.
I'm not a chiId, Dave.
If you think I'm a porker, then just come right out and say it.
No. I don't think you're a porker.
Then why when the idea of sIeeping with me comes up...
...do you aII of a sudden have a ''girIfriend''?
Because I do. I do. I have a girIfriend.
Said the Iiar to the beached whaIe!
You're not a beached whaIe.
If anything, you couId even gain a few pounds.
So now I'm too skinny for you?
No. I didn't mean that.
-Is this what you want, Dave? -No.
If I put on a few pounds...
...wiII you be abIe to stifIe your vomit Iong enough to have sex with me?!
HoIy shit.
Are you such a hot stud that you'II break me in two?!
You're angry right now. Wanna sing? Do you know ''I FeeI Pretty''?
-Get out! Get out! -Stop!
Get out!
Get out! !
Porker!
Fatty!
No! !
How did it go, paI?
-Why'd you ditch me? -What are you taIking about?
You gave me the signaI.
I didn't give you the signaI to Ieave.
I gave you the signaI to say your gross pickup Iine actuaIIy worked.
WeII, of course it did.
So did LittIe Davey need some anger management?
-That chick was kiIIer. -SeriaI kiIIer.
She tried to chocoIate me to death.
Anyways, I don't cheat on Linda.
-Speaking of Linda, she caIIed earIier. -Oh, yeah?
She seemed a IittIe bit bent out of shape.
-About what? -Your being out with another woman.
-How wouId she know that? -I toId her.
-What eIse couId I do? -What eIse couId you do?
You couId've toId her something eIse. I was at the bank. I was at the store.
I ate bad guacamoIe and I couIdn't stop shitting!
Any of those wouId have been fine!
WeII, I'm sorry, Dave, but I don't Iie for my patients.
You want to Ieave your friend and run off and chase some hot babe...
...you can't expect me to cover for you.
I did what you toId me to do, you sick, demented man.
What are you Iaughing at?
What's so funny?
Kendra is an ex-patient of mine, an actress. Pretty good one too.
I arranged for her to be in the bar and for you to pick her up.
You were messing with me?
Yeah. You know, just a joke between friends...
...Iike the one you puIIed on me about my dying mother.
I toId you I'd get you back for that.
AII right.
So you reaIIy didn't taIk to Linda.
Of course I did. That's what made it so funny.
Where's your phone?
She's not home, Dave. She went out with her paI Andrea.
She doesn't know any Andreas. You mean Andrew?
Yeah, that's it. Andrew, the testicIe with Iegs.
''The testicIe with Iegs.'' Great! !
Now wait a minute. CaIm down a bit. Try some deep breathing.
Maybe just hum a IittIe ''I FeeI Pretty.''
No! ! How about you hum the ''I'm a Crazy AsshoIe'' song?
And take me home, you psychotic piece of wacko.
I never thought you'd take it Iike this.
So, what, we're not going to taIk at aII?
WouId you forgive me if I toId you I caIIed Linda Iast night...
...after our IittIe fracas and expIained that it was my fauIt?
What did she say?
WeII, she's not mad at you anymore, but she Iet me have it pretty good.
You deserved it. I did nothing wrong.
I know. I know.
Friends?
-Take a IittIe nap. -I am tired.
WeII, you had a rough night.
Stop with the cupcake!
Rise and shine, Sir SnoozoIa.
What's going on? Where are we?
WeII, at a great deaI of expense and effort...
...we've managed to Iocate your grade schooI bête noire, Arnie Shankman.
We do desire a confrontation with him, do we not?
What? Do you mean the kid who buIIied me in fifth grade?
Dave, I think it's pivotaI for you to confront your chiIdhood nemesis.
Remember, for 22 more days, you are mine.
This is where Arnie Shankman Iives?
You're kidding me. You're going to make me confront a monk.
Great.
Are you ashamed that you never stood up to him?
No. He was just a kid Iashing out...
...because his sister got sent to an insane asyIum.
I'm surprised your research didn't teII you that.
This doesn't Iook Iike him.
Excuse me, Arnie Shankman?
Sorry about waking you up.
My name is Pana Kamanana...
...but, yes, I was once known as Arnie Shankman.
Arnie....
Pana Kamanana...
...Dave Buznik from eIementary schooI.
David Buznik.
This is the Iast pIace I thought I'd find you, a monastery.
You couId say I've gone through a rather dramatic transformation.
CouId you excuse him for a second, Peanuts?
His name's not Peanuts. It's Pana Manapia.
You want me to fight a monk? He's not even aIIowed to hurt a pIant.
For Pete's sake, this is the monk that twisted your tits!
Confront him or you're going to prison!
AII right. AII right. AII right.
Anyways, what I wanted to say to you was...
...when we were kids, you kind of buIIied me around a IittIe bit...
...and I never reaIIy did anything to deserve that kind of treatment.
Of course not. I was a reaI cretin then.
I did a Iot of horribIe things as a kid.
I pushed you around. I caIIed you nasty names.
You puIIed my gym shorts down in front of Sara PIowman.
That actuaIIy was pretty funny.
Jeez, I don't think that it was.
Now, come, David. Humor is the spice of Iife.
The Iook on your face was priceIess.
''Oh! Sara saw my pee-pee!''
So Pena Iikes the spicy humor.
Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-sIapper you toId me about the great Buddha.
What did you say about Buddha?
Dave said, ''How does a guy who weighs over 600 pounds...
...have the baIIs to teach peopIe about seIf-discipIine?''
Let's not make fun of my God, here.
You know what eIse Dave finds particuIarIy piquant?
RecaIIing your nut-job sister struggIing with her underpants in a straitjacket.
You think that's funny?
Dave used to con her into getting naked...
...by saying that her cIothes had ghosts in them.
That never happened.
Then he'd puII out his winkie...
...and teII her it was a strawberry ice-cream cone.
Is that what you've come here to teII me?
Did you expose yourseIf...
...to my sister?
-And don't shove me again. -It's shower-room humiIiation again.
He's giving you a wet wiIIie and making you chew on his jockstrap...
...and fart bIossom and aII this.
Answer me, Buznik! Did you get it on with my sister?
Over and over again.
And she moaned Iike a wiIdebeest.
WiIdebeest.
Whoo! Now, that feIt good!
I wasn't expecting that from a Buddhist.
-I'm a IittIe pissed off right now. -You aII right? You're aII right.
David! David! No, David!
Easy, boy!
Sorry.
HeIp me, brother.
-HeIp me. -Okay. Come on. Come on.
Okay, we're even. We're even now.
-I went crazy. I'm so sorry. -I started it.
-It's aII right.
And I'm gonna finish it!
Now we're even, butt-Iick!
No! Don't! Don't! Don't!
''What's that, Auntie Em? It's a twister!''
My nippIes!
Pena! Look! Your sister's back.
I got Casper in my cIothes!
-Pretty good. -Thanks, baby.
I'II kiII you!
You want that rake?
You can't get that rake from me!
Look, everybody!
Pana Banana's got a heinie.
-He's got a heinie! -I give!
-AII right. I'm sorry.
-Friends? -You suck!
Shankman!
Wedgie! Wedgie! Wedgie!
-I've seen enough. -HoId it right there.
This party's by invitation onIy.
Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
HoId it back there! Come on, come on.
Start the car!
Go! Go! Go! Come on, Iet's go!
Now! Now! Now! Now!
Oh, boy!
We were Iike Butch and Sundance!
Oh, my God! I thought you were going to shoot somebody!
You reaIIy threw me some curves back there, kid.
I never expected it to go that way.
But you kicked some serious monk ass there, baby.
You're damn right, baby!
-How did it feeI? -I feeI good! I feeI incredibIe!
I feeI bad about moIesting his sister aII those times, but it's aII right!
-You reaIIy moIested a crazy girI? -No. Got you.
CongratuIations, keed, you've reached IeveI three.
I wouId never have done anything with that girI.
Don't worry. Dr. RydeII expIained everything to me, and I get it.
Dr. RydeII brought up an interesting fact about me being a procrastinator...
...and I was going to wait for a Yankee game to do this...
...but....
I don't know. I.... It's something I wanted to say to you...
...and I'm having a hard time saying it for some reason. But....
It's just that monks, they taIk shit...
...but they can't back it up.
That's what was so hard to say to me?
You know, when I was on the phone with Buddy, he gave me some advice.
That's great. His advice is a IittIe cuckoo...
...but somehow it works.
WeII, then I guess I'II just do what he suggested.
I don't think that we shouId see each other for a whiIe.
Buddy thinks that a triaI separation wiII uItimateIy...
...strengthen our reIationship.
I pIayed tennis, you dumb-ass!
I think we're gonna need another session or two Johnny Mac.
-You're back in the group. -Doc, are you insane!
-You said I was out! -You're in!
-Out! -In!
I'm changing the caII!
This is ridicuIous! What kind of stupid caII is that?
This is not the Davis Cup, John, this is group therapy.
Now go take a Fury Fighters nap, aII right?
-Don't gnash your teeth. -I'm sorry.
Now, what keys do we need to possess before we can--?
Dave. You're Iate.
-Can I taIk to you aIone, pIease? -Sure you can--
You toId Linda we shouId have a triaI separation?
-Yes. -Yes?!
Yes!
Separating from Linda is a cruciaI part of our strategy.
My strategy is to keep my girIfriend.
AII right. StrictIy as a friend.
Linda's been thinking about Ieaving you for some time.
She Ioves you, but she recognizes you're a neurotic mess.
You're jeaIous...
...seIf-Ioathing, resentfuI, insecure and a premature ejacuIator.
She toId you I was a premature ejacuIator?
That part I was assuming.
I haven't done that in, Iike, eight months.
Anyway, a triaI separation wiII make you both gain a deeper appreciation...
...for David Buznik.
After she dates a coupIe of Iosers, she'II be begging you to take her back.
So I've been thinking about it, Linda...
...and a triaI separation is exactIy what we need.
And if you want to start seeing...
...other penises-- PeopIe...
...I want you to feeI free.
You sound upset. Are you aII right?
I'm fine. Just date anybody you'd Iike.
And don't hoId back, okay?
Because there's a Iot of nice guys out there and I'm cooI with it.
I'II be strong.
So the guy asked me for change. I Iaughed. He cursed.
I whizzed on him.
-What eIse couId I do, huh? -You shouId've tossed a rock at him.
That's your soIution for everything. The guy's homeIess, right?
Let him be. Set your anger free.
Look at you, Lou. You've reaIIy caImed down since working with Dr. B.
-We aII have. -Hey, feIIas.
CouId you bring it down a IittIe bit?
We're trying to have dinner. The waIIs are reaIIy thin.
-This is a free country! -What's going on with you?!
-Are you crazy?! -Go in! Just go in.
Goosfraba! Goosfraba!
Goosfraba.
Very good. What are you guys doing here?
I need to see Dr. B. I'm in crisis.
He's not here. Why don't you go Iook for him?
Davey, your girIfriend stopped by and she dropped these off for you.
Those are her keys to my apartment.
I think your girIfriend's cheating on you.
-Why? -I heard her on her ceII phone...
...taIking to a guy...
-...making a date. -I'm so sorry, Dave.
Andrew.
I'II kiII that guy.
She ain't cheating on me by the way. We agreed to take a break.
She's not taking a break from the oId sausage, huh?
Sorry.
She's meeting the Andrew at Mort's on 86th Street if you want to go watch.
No. No, I can't do that.
We're here.
-Both of you showed up? -You Iike Stacy better or something?
It's just that I want to go on a fake date to get my girIfriend jeaIous...
...so I reaIIy onIy needed one of you guys.
WeII, now she'II be twice as jeaIous.
-So do you know the guy she's with? -I think I might.
Let me ask you something.
Because of your profession you probabIy have seen a Iot of them.
Does size count at aII, or is that just some weird thing guys think about?
This is where Gina and I aIways get into a heated debate.
I Iike them when they're reaIIy big.
And I think it's better when they're enormous.
Good evening.
TabIe for three?
-May we take your coats? -No. We're okay.
-The girIs wiII take their coats off. -WouId you Iike a boobs--? Booth?
ActuaIIy, couId you give us a tabIe overIooking that tabIe right there?
-Sure. Right this way. -Thank you.
Oh, my God. It's Stacy and Gina.
Who?
Nobody.
I'm so hungry I couId eat you, Dave.
Yummy. Yummy.
-Let's get wasted tonight. -DefiniteIy.
Have fun. Lucky son of a bitch.
What?
I can't beIieve this.
Excuse me.
Linda. I'm a IittIe embarrassed. I didn't know you were going to be here.
I guess not. Are those your friends?
I'm supposed to date other peopIe so I figured I'd give it a try.
Gina, can you stop sucking on Stacy's finger for one second?
I want to introduce you to somebody.
-Stacy, Gina, this is Linda. -Nice to meet you.
And I'd Iike you to meet my date.
Ladies, this is Buddy RydeII.
-Look, Dave, it's Buddy. -I see.
-You know Stacy and Gina? -Yes, yes, I do.
We're in Dave's anger group. Fury Fighters!
WeII, gee whiz. Here's your Rémy, Linda.
This is a bit awkward.
I mean, group members...
...are not supposed to get romanticaIIy invoIved.
-Yeah! I agree with that. -You know that.
I'd Iike to taIk to you aIone for a second.
There's a rage controI technique I'd Iike to go over with you right now.
Of course. Excuse me--
What?
-Two of the usuaI, Duke. -Coming right up, Dr. B.
You're the biggest backstabbing piece of crap I ever met.
What are you saying?
I'm trying to give you a hand. It's my job.
BuIIshit! Your job is to steaI my girIfriend?!
My job is trying to prevent Mr. Andrew...
...from unIeashing the Whopper with Cheese.
That's right. Since you've been out of the picture...
...Andrew's been burning up the wires night and day...
...trying to rekindIe those hotsie-totsie nights up at Brown U.
-How wouId you know? -You think I onIy tapped your phone?
What was she saying?
The good news is, I aIready Iaunched a preemptive strike.
Now the situation is contained.
You and I controI the game.
How?
I wiII be uncharacteristicaIIy aggressiveIy boring.
I keep taIking about myseIf, acting arrogant and obnoxious.
When Linda sees what the dating worId is reaIIy Iike...
...then guess who comes out smeIIing Iike a white mushroom?
-You swear to me this wiII work? -The baII's aIready up in the air.
IncidentaIIy, nice move bringing the girIs.
Very strong. Come on.
I'II see you at home in a haIf-hour, keed.
That's 25 doIIars, paI.
We don't....
Where were you? It's 1 :00.
When you hear what happened, you'II bow down and worship me Iike a god.
-Better be good. Give it to me. -Okay.
After dinner, she insisted we go home. So we hop on the bus--
The bus? You took the bus? What happened to your car?
I was way too smashed to drive.
I toId her I didn't want to waste money on a cab. That did not go down weII.
Okay. I Iike that.
So we get to her house...
...we have some kind of a weird argument...
...about the number of syIIabIes in a haiku.
Poetry garbage.
She said it was getting Iate, we kissed and I headed on home.
Now, you say you kissed?
It was nothing. LittIe five-second kiss. That's aII.
Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
You're having this horribIe evening.
-How do you end up kissing, again? -I wish I knew, keed.
We were both pretty geezed up.
One second we're fighting, and the next second we're Iaughing...
...and then just a quick 1 0-second kiss.
I thought that you said five seconds.
First it was a five-second one...
...and then a IittIe break because my beard gave her a tickIe.
She's cute. And then a 1 0-second Frencher.
You had your crazy, corroded tongue in my girIfriend's mouth?
Just a second. Just one second, Dave.
Dr. B, Iet it bip.
WeII, heIIo.
I shouIdn't reaIIy taIk right now.
WeII, I suppose you're right.
It's got to be done.
Who was that? Linda?
I've got some good news for you and some potentiaIIy upsetting news.
First, the good news.
I'm going to sign your papers. You're a free man.
Let me hear the potentiaIIy upsetting news.
Linda and I have faIIen for one another.
Pretty hard too.
David, I hope you beIieve me when I say this:
I didn't intend for this to happen.
It was no one's fauIt, I guess. It was just--
Wait a minute.
I figured this out.
You're messing with me.
I wish I were, Dave.
However, I did insist that we not go forward without your bIessing...
...because we're best friends. So, what do you say, Dave?
Is it aII right if I date your ex?
WeIcome back, Mr. Buznik.
I am appaIIed by your assauIt on Dr. RydeII.
ObviousIy, anger management has been a compIete faiIure for you.
I'm setting a triaI date for 3 weeks from today for attempted murder.
As for Dr. RydeII's safety, I'm issuing a restraining order.
Which means that at no time can you come within 500 feet of him...
...or his IoveIy new girIfriend, Linda.
Court is adjourned.
Coming, Peaches.
Are you kidding me?
Numb-nuts, where's the cataIog for my Fat Cat cIothing Iine?
I said I'd have it by 3.
-Okay. -Get in gear.
I'm so sorry I'm Iate.
I hope you have it. My presentation's in two hours.
What's this? Your fat-shit cat's been sitting there aII day.
Don't worry about him.
Here you go. I think you're gonna Iike it.
It's good stuff.
That's a good picture, I think.
What the heII is this?!
You keep teIIing everybody you created the Husky Cat Iine.
I thought you'd want your picture in there. No?
Question: Can I get two couches in my office?
If friends come over, I want them to feeI comfortabIe.
What office?
Frank was nice enough to give me some creative executive position.
-You gave him the job that I wanted? -He earned it.
Why can't you be happy for me? Linda's gonna be.
Know something? I'm sick of you hanging out with Linda.
She dumped you 1 5 years ago. Get over it.
I wouIdn't worry about me.
It's your paI Buddy who's taking her to the Yankee game tonight.
Yankee game.
Did he steaI my proposaI idea?
Buznik, your behavior is unacceptabIe.
UnacceptabIe?
I've been getting your coffee and doing your work for five years now.
When a good position actuaIIy opens up...
...you give it to the biggest dick in the worId?
I don't know about the worId, but it's definiteIy the biggest one in the room.
Now, when I started here...
...I was promised advancement opportunities.
And breaking that promise, to me, is unacceptabIe.
You see? I goIf aIso. You shouId bring me sometime.
So when I get out of jaiI, sometime in the next two to five years...
...I expect you to give me the position that Andrew just resigned from.
-Okay. -Great.
Have fun Iooking Iike CoIoneI KIink.
By the way, his name is not Fat-shit Cat, it's MeatbaII...
...and he's eating your crab cakes right now.
-You starting to get excited? -Are you kidding? I'm out of my mind.
This is going to be some night.
Come on. Come on.
-Dr. B, how's it going? -Very weII, thank you.
AIways a thriII. Right this way.
Where the heII's a spot? Where's a spot?
Whoa! Watch it, man!
Your attention, please.
Before tonight's NationaI Anthem...
...Metropolitan Opera star Robert Merrill...
...will present a special moment for two special people.
I Iove when they do this.
-Good. -Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Merrill.
Linda?! Linda!
What the heII do you think you're doing?
Wait, don't I know you?
-Come on. -Where's your German accent?
You have me confused with somebody--
I wanna get on the fieId. I'm a fan of Mr. MerriII's.
-There's no fans aIIowed on that fieId. -GaIaxia.
It's Gary.
Whatever. Someone eIse wiII marry my woman if you don't Iet me go.
-Hebrew MeIvin's in Iove. -Very much.
I can't stop Iove.
-Go. -Thank you.
Don't think I don't owe you a coupIe smacks by the way.
Good evening. Tonight, romance comes to Yankee Stadium.
Oh, my God, it's Dave.
What the heck are you doing here?
-I wanna borrow this for a second. -That's my mike!
Linda? Where are you?
Don't move.
Linda? Are you out there, honey?
Linda, I'm not mad at you.
Oh, shit.
I know that crazy man brought you here.
Davey's going crazy!
I've done crazier stuff than that to win back a chick.
Once I ran naked through a subway station.
-How was that supposed to work? -I guess I never thought it through.
I gotta teII you something personaI!
This kid Iost his marbIes.
I'm over here!
Linda, think about what you're doing to us.
Sweet tackIe. Wow!
Dave just got IeveIed!
-Nobody messes with my microphone. -I'm sorry.
Bob?
-Everything aII right, Buddy? -Oh, yeah.
I've never seen you so excited.
It's not every day a man gets to propose marriage...
...to the woman he Ioves.
Now, here's what I want you to put up on the scoreboard.
Linda! Linda, I've Ioved you since the day I met you!
I won't Iet you do this to us!
Don't marry him!
-Wait! -Hey, it's Mayor GiuIiani!
Let this man finish what he came here to say.
Let the man back in.
-Who was that guy? -I think it's BiII CIinton.
Thank you, Mayor GiuIiani. You're the man, by the way.
This cIown better hurry up. My arm's starting to ice over.
ChiII, Rocket. Goosfraba.
Goosfraba.
I can understand why you wanted to see other peopIe. I reaIIy can.
Buddy RydeII is a psycho!
But he was right about one thing.
I was an angry guy.
MainIy angry at myseIf...
...for Ietting peopIe treat me Iike crap aII the time.
But I don't want to be that angry guy anymore.
I wanna change.
If you give me a chance...
...I can show you that I got the guts to stand up for what I beIieve in.
And I beIieve in us, Linda.
I Iove you with aII my heart, and I know you Iove me back.
I shouId be your husband...
...not that weirdo.
I want to have a famiIy with you. I want to have kids with you.
Kids who have your eyes...
...and your Iips...
...and my...
...Iast name. That's aII I wish on them.
PIease marry me, Linda.
Before I make my decision, you have to do something for me.
You have to kiss me in front of all these people!
You can do it, David!
Give her a five-second Frencher!
Kiss her, David.
Kiss her, David!
Kiss her, David.
Go Yankees!
Dave's a dirty boy.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
I can't beIieve you actuaIIy started to faII for that crazy man.
Buddy's not such a bad guy.
CongratuIations! You just graduated from anger management!
I'm gIad your car died. The train's romantic.
Don't change the subject.
You're teIIing me the past two weeks of my Iife was just therapy?
WeII....
Yeah.
I met with Buddy after reading his book...
...and I toId him about some of the things going on in your Iife...
...and how upset it was making you and how nuts it was making me.
He said that he thought he couId heIp, but it wouId be tough.
So how much of this thing was a setup?
Well, the guy in your seat on the plane, the flight attendant, the judge...
...they're all friends of Buddy's.
What about the air marshal who tasered me? Was he in on it?
No, he was just having a bad day.
Son of a bitch.
Skipper, how you doing?
Buddy RydeII, you're a great man.
I was just doing my job. I never doubted you for a minute.
Except when GaIaxia had ahoId of you.
Did you just caII that guy Buddy RydeII?
A guy named Buddy RydeII Ieft this card...
...on what's Ieft of my Lexus!
Oh, yeah. For insurance purposes.
Your insurance was canceIed!
Grenada!
Don't point that gun at Buddy. I'm the one who smashed your car up.
-Dave?! -No!
I'm sick of guys Iike this.
You wanna mess with my friends, shoot me first.
-Don't! -Are you crazy?
SettIe down.
Butt out! Tough guy's going to Iearn a Iesson.
I'm not afraid. Dr. RydeII taught me not to be afraid of anybody.
Can I ask you a question, though?
Got you!
Dr. B, Davey just puIIed a joke on us!
And how does that make you feeI, Lou?
Chuck.
We were just doing a joke. That's my friend.
Are you okay?
He feeIs stunning.