(girl) This is a story
about my Uncle Tommy and his friend Mr. O'Malley
and how everybody got upset because they were all confused.
This is a story about the actors.
(thunder)
"Now is the winter of our discontent
"made glorious summer by this sun of York,
"and all the clouds that lour'd upon our house
"in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
"Now are our brows bound with victorious wreaths,
"our bruised arms hung up for monuments,
"our stern alarums chang'd to merry meetings,
"our dreadful marches to delightful measures.
"Grim‐visag'd war hath smooth'd his wrinkled front,
"and now, instead of mounting barb‐ed steeds
"to fright the souls of fearful adversaries,
"he capers nimbly in a lady's chamber
to the lascivious pleasings of a lute."
(man) Sorry, sorry. Could you just say what's on the card?
I was told to prepare something.
I know, but if you could just say what's on the card, please. Look into the camera.
(woman) Hold up the packet.
Just hold it a little higher. A bit higher. And just what's on the card. That's all. OK.
"McCullagh's. My God, that's a right lump of a sausage."
Brilliant. That was great. Um...
Could you just put a bit more welly in it?
Wel... Welly?
Welly, yeah.
"McCullagh's. My God, that's a right lump of a sausage!"
Sell it to me, will you? Sell it.
"McCullagh's. My God, that's a right..."
Sorry. You're talking about sausages, but I don't believe a word of this.
I mean, I just don't believe it.
I'm finding this hard to get worked up about, actually.
Where are your feelings? You're an actor. Believe it, will you?
McCull... I'm sorry, I can't.
You're going? Excuse me. Sorry, didn't mean to offend you.
Didn't mean to offend your sensibilities, pal.
(man) Next. (woman) Next.
(woman) My God, that's a right lump of a sausage.
(man) My God, that's a right lump...
(♪ "Star of the Sea")
(girl) ♪ In the city, there's a thousand souls and
♪ I wanna tell them all I'm sorry
♪ I get up, and I face the morning
♪ I get up, and I face the morning tonight
(children) ♪ It's all right
♪ Star
♪ Of the sea
♪ Have mercy
♪ On me
♪ Part
♪ The clouds
♪ Look down
♪ In the city, there's a thousand souls and
♪ I want to tell them all I'm sorry
♪ I get up, and I face the morning
♪ I get up, and I face the morning tonight
♪ It's all right
♪ Star
♪ Of the sea
♪ Have mercy
♪ On me
♪ Star
♪ In the clouds
♪ Look down
♪ Look down ♪
(man) Where is the power, then, to... to beat him back?
Where be thy followers? And... And thy... thy tenants?
Are they now upon the western shore,
safe‐conducting the rebels from their ships?
No, my good Lord. My friends are in the north.
Cold friends to me.
What do they in the north when they should serve their sovereign in the west?
My gracious sovereign, now in Devonshire,
as I by my friends are well advertised,
Sir Edward Courtney and the haughty prelate,
Bishop of Exeter, his elder brother,
with many more confederates, are in view.
(mutters)
In Kent, my liege, the Gilfords are in arms,
and every hour, more competitors flock to the rebels...
My Lord, the army of great Buckingham.
The army of great Buckingham.
...strong.
My Lord, the army of great...
Out on you, owls! Nothing but songs of death?
Oof! Fuck.
There takes thou that till thou bring better news.
(whispers) Fuck.
(scattered applause)
Don't you ever fucking upstage me again.
My fucking badge fell off. Ungrateful bastard.
I don't know why I break my bleedin' back every night here.
None of these stupid knackers understand any of it, anyway.
I barely understand it. Be all over soon.
Jesus, put me out of my fucking misery.
I know, Arthur, but the point is, it's not worth it
for 220 fucking Euros a week to debase myself like this.
There must be something on the horizon.
Really?
If there's a sign of anything, Arthur, get on to me, will you?
I'm bollixed with the rent. I'm out on my ass.
What about those sausage bastards?
No? Oh. They didn't know what they wanted, anyway.
All right, Arthur. Bye.
I've got to get myself a new agent.
Someone who can get me a big film.
Look at this.
This is how an actor should be treated.
Tubbetstown Castle.
Ten grand a night and the whole fucking place to yourself.
That's my dream. I'm not fucking around.
One must never give up hope.
Am I too old?
For what?
Hamlet.
To play Hamlet himself?
Yes.
Yes, Tony, you are too old.
I always wanted to play Hamlet, but with just the vowels.
Now, why wouldn't anyone have gone with me on that, Tom?
Each character vocally crippled.
Oo ee,
oo o uh ee,
a i e e‐io.
Confidence is all about character.
Being comfortable in it, losing yourself.
You need the character. What is it?
I'm a pallbearer and a messenger.
Oh, I need characters, not messengers.
I need a message.
A message, yes. You are a character with a message for me.
Now, who is he? Who is this character with a message?
Is he in love? Did he sleep well last night?
He... Yes?
...could have a bad... Yes?
...stammer.
No, because you'd stop my flow, my rhythm.
You'd stop my juice.
He could, though, just before he says the line, right,
inadvertently, because of nerves,
make this weird kind of honking sound.
You're being foolish.
I'm just no good.
(man) I'll give you a fiver.
A fiver? Have you lost your reason, Maurice? This is preposterous.
Take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
Who got you this job?
You did.
And would I have moved mountains to get it for you if you were no good?
I don't know. You like having me around to help you with your lines,
take off your hump, rub your shoulder, which I don't love, actually.
You see, I've seen something.
Where?
In you. And I have a proposition.
What is it?
Finish your drink, and we'll go somewhere a little more private.
You're not gay or anything like that, are you? 'Cause I'm not like that.
Oh, no, I can assure you. Anyway, it's irrelevant.
(Tony) You haven't been here, have you? (Tom) No.
I moved in in my glorious past.
Voice‐overs, American TV.
It's falling apart now.
Can't afford the rent.
I'm being kicked out.
Got to find an apartment, a little flat.
Bed‐sit or something.
So what's this proposition?
Well, it's a little complex.
I think you'll agree that acting isn't real.
Yeah.
That's because nothing is at stake,
and we're just pretending that it is.
Well, now, supposing something was at stake,
really at stake, like life or death or money.
That's real life.
Well, my proposition is to blur the difference.
I'm not with you.
Well, for many weeks now,
I've been frequenting this very, very rough pub in the docks.
What? With, like, sailors or...? Oh, no. No.
No, I've been seeking out bad company for research, you know.
To play Richard, I needed to meet some villains.
Villains? The real thing, to help my performance.
Cutting‐edge lowlifes. You know, the godforsaken.
What? Like gangsters or...?
Well, men who operate outside the law.
And you talk to them? Well, one in particular.
I think you should watch yourself, Tony.
Well, this brings me to the proposition.
It's to do with this guy? I need you to hear me out.
For entertainment value, I'll listen.
Maybe you'll sing a different tune.
From what I can make out, there's a certain party
is owed money by another certain party,
and neither of them have ever met.
Right. So a certain party owes somebody money.
Yes, and they have never met.
Now, supposing someone, sitting not a million miles from my good self,
were to pretend he was the party to whom the money was owed.
If he could carry it off, he could collect the money.
If you're serious, you've lost it. I mean, you're gone.
Au contraire, my gallant compadre.
You are just the man to do it, the man to do the acting.
Acting? I can't act. I'm shit. Exactly.
This exercise is exactly what you need for training,
because there's something at stake.
You've got to formulate every aspect of your character.
You must never, ever let your facade drop.
If you manage this,
you will never look back.
And you and I, we will share the proceeds
and be very happy men.
Let's talk details. No, Tony.
I don't want to hear any more. It's late. And you're a nutbag.
Tell me you'll think about it. No.
Tubbetstown Castle awaits for men of means.
You're ridiculous. Sleep on it.
Come, sleep, the balm of woe, the certain knot of peace.
Good night, Tony!
The poor man's fortune,
the prisoner's release.
A certain party owed money by another certain party,
neither party ever having met.
Oh, fuck!
(sirens wailing)
Hold on, hold on. Where you going, son?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it.
Your house? Yes.
Brannigan.
Is this your tea? Oh, McCullagh's. My God.
You left the gas on, sir.
Is there someone you can phone?
I'll call me sister.
Want a chip? No, no, no. You're all right.
Listen, Rita, my house is on fire.
(man) Rita, who is it?
Who's that? Clive. He's English. Don't start.
The hedgehog's going back in his shell.
(laughs)
(Clive through wall) Hello, darling.
What? What? Did I...?
Did I say something? I was asleep.
(Cockney accent) Hello, darling. Hello.
You all right? You look lovely.
Do you want a pear?
This bloody thing looks great, but it's very fernickety.
Mary, eat your breakfast. I'm gonna be late.
Clive, this is my brother Tommy. Hello, mate. How you doing?
I'm OK. Yeah, I know.
Still, though, eh?
Thanks.
Rita tells me you act. (Mary) Great actor.
He's the black sheep. He's my favorite.
Favorite? Favorite what?
He's my favorite love, my favorite person.
They're always in cahoots. I'm in sales, chum. Imports and sales.
How's business?
I'll tell you the truth.
Things are always slow this time of year.
You've got to chase them for every single farthing, every groat they owe you.
They'll all disappear into the woodwork. Like flies, Tom. Like bees.
Yeah? OK.
(Rita) Mary, come on. You're gonna make me late. Tommy can bring me.
Yeah. Like flies. Bees. Oh, dear.
A certain party owed money by another certain party,
and neither party's ever met each other.
It's a tantalizing proposition, Uncle Tommy.
Potentially very lucrative.
And if someone were to, you know...
Pass themselves off
as the party to whom the money's owed.
Someone with great skill. An actor, perhaps?
Perhaps an actor whose house burned down.
Actors need characters, Mary. Precisely my weak point, you know?
(bell dings)
I think you could do it. I think you could do anything you wanted.
No, Mary.
If you don't believe in yourself,
you'll never convince anyone that you're not you.
What?
Tommy, trust me. Mary, you're nine.
Why are you telling me about it?
Because... Because you're weird and clever and you know too much.
It's like you were born a grown‐up person. I was born ancient.
Don't say that. Don't say things like that.
It's really creepy, you know? I mean, really.
Where are you going? I have to get you ready.
You have to go to school. I don't need it.
Mary, I can't... Let's just try.
I can't act. Mary. Mary. Mary.
Come on, eejit‐head. I can't reach.
Yeah, and Clive won't miss his clothes.
Clive is very, very thick, Tom.
But that's, like, really thick.
He is. He's really, really thick.
OK. But we're just playing, OK?
Two words. A bit much.
One word. Not enough.
More rings.
Any more rings, and my fingers'll fall off.
No, they won't. Come on.
Are we married now?
Tom, you don't embarrass me. You embarrass yourself.
Mary, I can't actually... What's the word?
I can't actually see, you know, with my eyes.
Vis‐à‐vis the world and everything.
Tommy, anyone wearing those glasses is for real.
Although you look much nicer. No, really, much nicer. Almost like a person.
OK, come over here and sit down.
Aah!
(Cockney accent) Hey, careful. Careful. Hello.
Would you like a drink? A drink would be smashing.
Well, I'm not your servant. Oh.
Would you like a cigarette? Please, help yourself.
You can't trust your eyes. Well, what can I trust?
Use the force. What force?
The force of habit.
You don't need to look.
Aah!
You'll be fine. I know it's going to work.
Really.
(sparse applause)
Thank you. Thank you. No, please. Thank you.
My colleagues.
The main pleasure of this play, I conclude,
is the embodiment of pure, unmotivated evil.
I soar through the text as one might peruse the racing form.
This... This certain party
that doesn't know the other certain party.
I'll do it.
My boy.
Do you know the Baltic Bar? Oh, good night.
Our certain party holds court there every night.
That place is bedlam.
They know me. I tend to be with the certain party.
Who is? Barreller.
Barreller what?
I only know him as Barreller.
(bar commotion/yelling)
Keep your hands off me.
(phone rings)
(man) Baltic. (Cockney accent) Barreller, please.
(man) Boss, you're wanted on the phone.
I represent a certain party.
Absolutely. You're here to do a job.
My name is Clive.
If that makes you feel comfortable.
♪ And his dark hair
♪ Always he has dark eyes
So. A little threat behind a little veil? Nothing specific.
The party I represent will be most displeased...
Don't want things to become unpleasant.
However... Absolutely.
Barreller!
Mr. Barreller, I'll come straight to the point. I represent a certain party.
Oh, yeah? To whom you owe a certain amount of money.
Are you from over the water?
As it happens, I've just arrived in your fair city.
For your money? The very thing.
Well, I wasn't expecting you. I was gonna send it over.
I saved you the bother.
That's a lot of money. I'm gonna need a couple of days.
I'm leaving tomorrow. Now look here, Mister...
Clive. Call me Clive. Clive, I think you're being unreasonable.
And I believe a debt is a debt.
The party I represent will be satisfied
with nothing less than payment in full.
While I'm a reasonable man,
the party I represent is, I'm afraid, vice versa.
No need for this to get messy.
I quite agree. Tomorrow. The Shelbourne. 5:00.
I can't...
Textbook.
Fuck it.
(♪ piano)
Oof!
Never again.
You are very late. I was beginning to worry.
We were just sitting down to our tea.
No milk.
Right bastard.
These are me sons Lesley and Ronnie.
All right? Clive. How you doing? Ronnie.
And me daughter Dolores. How are you?
Charmed, I'm sure. How are you?
Fine.
Good. Nice to meet you.
Eh, it was a nightmare raising this.
Well, what you gotta realize is my client ‐ Thank you, dear ‐
appreciates all efforts in extremis.
He will be deeply impressed. Don't open that here.
Relax. I'm just having a little... (yelps)
It's all there. 50 thou. Yeah, it is. It's all there.
It's... All of it is there. Yes, it is.
I counted it.
Oh!
Oh! It's all there, innit?
You... Aren't you a treasure? Ha‐ha.
My client will be pleased. We're clear now, are we?
You are free as a bird, Mr. Barreller, until you next decide to do business with us.
Oh, no. There won't be a next time.
No, from now on, I'm totally legit.
Are you saying my client's not legitimate? No, no.
I want to leave something stable for the boys.
Something aboveboard. Neither of them are brilliant.
Lesley here, he's not all there, you know. Are you, Lesley?
No, I'm not. No.
Yeah, and Ronnie's deaf in one ear. Watch.
Ronnie.
Yeah, how unfortunate. You are in the whole...
I'm fine.
She's trying to get into the acting.
Oh, really?
We know an actor, comes in the Baltic ‐ Anthony O'Malley.
He's gonna help me get training.
Get training, me arse. Get pregnant, more like.
Is he, now? Do you know him?
No. Never heard of him. Oh, what's this?
Ah, yes. A drink, I thought, to no hard feelings. Flaming sambucas.
You might want to blow it out first, Lesley.
OK.
Well, this was very easy.
No, I don't like that, no. (Barreller) Jesus...
(Tom) Give it a puff. I don't think that...
(strained) That's really nice.
Have mine. I'll take you for a real drink.
I'll buy you a pint in the Baltic. I have shares in it.
Meet some real Dubs. Not like all this bollocks.
I would love to. I really would. I'd love to, but I got a plane. I got a bloody plane.
Come on, Clive. Ten minutes. I got to get it.
Come on. (Dolores) Why don't you just come for one?
I'd really like to. I... I would really like to.
I really, really would, but I got to...
You might enjoy it. Yeah, I know. Let's go.
Ah, fuck this. Gonna have to break the law here, Clive.
(siren wails)
Technically, this is not actually an ambulance.
How's business, then, in general, Clive?
I've got to be honest. It's slow this time of year. It always is.
You've got to chase every single farthing, every groat they owe you.
They all disappear into the woodwork. Like flies. Like bees.
I wasn't disappearing anywhere, Clive.
I know, but I got to follow orders, ain't I?
Plus, I get to have a little trip to Dublin.
What do you mean, "People disappear like bees"?
I...
don't know.
That's an East End expression, is it?
Yeah, that's it. Exactly. Exactly.
(Barreller) What's he like, then, Mr. Magnani?
Who?
Your boss. What's he like?
Oh, Mr. Magnanani.
Mr. Magnani. I've never met him.
Well, Mr. Magnanani...
Yeah.
What's anyone like, Barreller?
What are you like? What are you like?
It's an impossible question.
I can't tell you what the man's like, but I will.
He's, um, now in his autumn years.
He sort of leaves the day‐to‐day running of his empire
to his trusted associates, you know?
He surrounds himself with all grandchildren.
He's got his rose garden. He tends that with his beautiful young wife.
His young wife has grandchildren?
No. No! Don't be a nelly. 'Course not.
He married again, didn't he? He got married again.
After his first wife ‐ She was, she was, she was, she was, she was, uh,
she was tragically sucked out the window of a DC‐10.
Can I get another drink?
Out of a plane? What?
Yeah. Bugger, innit? A man of many private sorrows.
You can see it. It's all sort of etched in his face.
He looks like a really old wallet.
That is the key to the man. It's what he's all about.
And very few people realize this, see it,
actually see it in the man. In the man. You know?
Imagine it, right. There he is, watching the apples fall from the trees...
Do you mean the roses? Well, yeah.
But there's an orchard an' all. He's got the lot.
It sounds quite a place. Thanks, Dickie. Cheers. Thank you.
That's what I'd like, too, Clive.
That's why I'm now completely legitimate,
with an office, you know, a pencil sharpener.
Biscuits, bread bin, lino.
Something to hand on, you know?
I suppose, Clive, I'm a bit like Mr. Mag... Mag... Magni...
Mr. Magniani in that regard ‐
You know, family.
Family. Fucking family.
People... People don't fucking talk about this anymore,
but what... If you ain't got family,
if you ain't got it, what have you got?
What have you actually got? That's it.
You got fuck all
and a one‐way ticket to fucking yesterday, mate. It's nothing.
That Guinness has hit you a little bit, has it, Clive?
Not being Irish, you know, and I'm not,
I don't really have a head for strong drink.
Why don't you give us a song? (Barreller) Give us a song.
Oh, no. No, you don't. Come on.
I never sing.
Not me, babe, you know. I never do it. Never.
♪ Although I know I've only met you
♪ Something tells me that I won't forget you
♪ It's like you're sent from heaven above
♪ Feels so right
♪ It must be love
♪ I turn my back on slow romance
♪ Following a merry dance
♪ Could this be love?
♪ Could this be love? ♪
What time is it? It's early. It's only quarter past nine.
Oh, the play. What?
The plane. I'm really sorry, Dolores. I've got to go.
Get a later one.
Can I drive you to the airport, Clive?
Uh, no. No. No, thanks. I'll get a cab. Clive, wait.
Here.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
All right.
I'll see you. Bye‐bye. See you.
Hey, taxi! Hey!
(groans)
Cue 106. Go.
Where is the power, then, to beat him back?
Where are thy tenants and thy followers?
Douglas!
Did you go on that cue 106? (man) Yeah, that's 106.
It looked different.
Douglas, it's me. Open up. It's me.
Quiet, man. For goodness sake, there's a show on.
It's me. Will you put your other glasses on? Douglas!
Mrs. O'Browning... Shh, there's a show on.
I know. I'm in it. I beg your pardon?
Where do you think you're going?
This is a fake moustache.
Shh.
It's stuck. Calm down.
It's me!
Look, look, look.
(mumbles)
Are they on the western shore?
Still not here. Where the fuck is he?
(grunts)
My Lord, the army of great Buckingham. The arm ‐
I'll have to give his line to somebody else. Buckingham...
No, my good Lord, my friends are in the north.
(Tony) Where is thy power, then, to beat him back?
John. Where be thy villagers...?
My Lord, the army...
Cold friends to me. What do they in the north when they should serve...
...in the, uh, west?
My gracious sovereign, now in Devonshire,
as I by my friends are well advertised,
Sir Edward Courtney and the Bishop of Exeter,
the haughty prelate, his other brother,
with many more confederates, are in view.
I'm falling! (everyone gasps)
Fuck.
OK, curtain.
My Lord, the army of great Buckingham...
I don't fucking believe it. I wouldn't, but if I wanted to,
I could go and stay right now in Tubbetstown Castle.
Ten grand a night, and a castle all to myself.
I wouldn't. That's obviously insane,
but I could if I were insane enough.
I knew you could do it. I always said you could do it.
I just didn't fucking believe it.
See, Anthony? You see, acting? Yes.
Acting ‐ it's a craft. It's not a trade. And what does that mean?
It means you have to live it.
You're going to gloat. I knew you would be fucking unbearable.
I'm not gloating. I feel awful.
They didn't strike me as dangerous criminals in the least. They were decent.
Well, they're not.
Barreller has told me stories that would make your skin crawl.
Mm. So tell me about you and her.
Me and Dolores? Yeah. You're gonna get her trained, yeah?
Well, I... You know, she's young. I try to help the younger ‐
Oh, Tony, bollocks!
All right. She's gorgeous, and I fancy her.
What do you want me to say? Are you trying to embarrass me?
I think she liked Clive.
Who's Clive?
My character.
Oh, well. She's never going to see him again, is she?
(knocking)
Quick. Give me a drink of water.
First of all, I don't know what possessed me.
It must have been an actor's curiosity, I suppose,
but I slipped down to the Baltic Bar last night,
just to check on how effective you'd been
and what Dolores thought of you
and all that bollocks about returning to the scene of the crime.
Tony, you fool. What happened?
Look, Barreller... our certain party...
A certain party owes money to the other certain party,
neither party having ever met.
She knows. She knows? What does she know?
I know everything. And you should give me some of the money as well.
She helped me with the character.
Who else fucking helped you?
Watch your language, mister.
No one. No one. She just directed me.
Are... Are you entirely off your head?
I know. It's weird. Now what happened?
Barreller wasn't there. Dolores was.
I knew by her. If you knew her like I do,
you'd know that something was amiss.
They know they've been done?
Someone rang from Magnani, someone real, to arrange about getting the money.
The shit hit the fan? Obviously.
Barreller insisted he'd just given their man Clive the full payment.
And then the Magnani people threw a freaker.
And, Tom, they're sending someone over.
Fuck. Poor Barreller.
Fuck Barreller. What about me?
Hey. Oh, fuck off.
What about you? Dolores starts on me.
She said did her dad tell me anything about the deal?
Because sometimes he has a loose tongue.
Yeah, and, "Did you blab to anyone," and so on. I didn't let on.
I was brilliant. I'm sure she bought it.
Jesus, this could be a fucking hit man.
I mean, I could get tortured or anything.
Calm down. You're acting like a baby.
Sometimes you're entitled. OK?
This is heavy. I can hardly breathe here. OK?
Relax the kaks. When's this hit man coming?
Today. He's flying in at noon. He's going straight to the Baltic Bar.
There's only one thing for it. What?
Mary, what?
Oh, good fuck.
Hey, baby! Oh, it's so good to see you!
(Scottish accent) Barreller?
That's the name. Name of me. Are you from Magnanery?
I wasn't expecting to be picked up.
It's the least I could do, given the unfortunate circumstances.
And I'm going to buy you some lunch. Come on.
Fucking right it's the least you could do. Here.
Don't fucking start, OK? I'm not in the mood.
I don't care what fucking mood you're in.
You've got a lot of explaining to do.
Don't. Just fucking relax, would you?
What is your pr... Where are you off to now, pal?
Come on. I have a table booked in the Harbour.
I'm not going to airbrush the situation here, Barreller.
The lads in London have gone fucking bananas about this.
I've never seen 'em this mad. They want this fucker killed.
Well, I do as well. You know, yeah. Magnani's upset, OK?
But we can't all spend all the time
rolling around in the past and who's responsible for what.
It gets tedious.
Well, the world would be a much nicer place
if we all took your advice, I'm sure,
but Magnani's having a conniption. I've never seen her this bad.
What's that supposed to mean, "I've never seen her this bad"?
I mean, I've never seen her want a man tortured this bad.
I didn't know this Magnani bloke was a woman.
Yeah. A lot of people make that mistake.
It's a sexist thing. Don't stereotype her, Barreller.
Dangerous mistake. I get stereotyped.
Sometimes, you know, I just get this, a kind of a mist.
It just comes down on me, you know?
I'm very much a man of me fists, you know? I think with them.
Anyway, who ripped us off?
I don't know. Nice bloke. English guy. Clive. Very nice.
Clive? That's all I know.
Would you recognize him again?
Do you know, I think I would. I fucking would.
Very handsome fella. Big glasses on him.
I just assumed he was your man. You just assumed?
Because somebody told you they're somebody, you just assume that's who they are?
I must say, I find that idiotic, Barreller.
Hey, easy on the casual insults floating around there, pal.
I'm buying you lunch and everything.
Don't start in with the "mean Scottish" bollocks. That makes me very intolerant.
You take it easy, right?
It's one thing me calling you an imbecile
because you gave our money to some bloke just because he has glasses on,
but you're getting into a whole racist area,
which is fucked‐up, frankly.
You're great on the old, "That's sexist. That's racist."
What are you, the fucking army or somebody?
Nobody tells me what to do.
You have obviously failed to grasp what's happening here.
Most people in your position
would tend to be slightly a bit more contrite.
What are you attacking me for?
Because it was obviously someone from your side who ripped us off.
What? Everything all right?
You fuck off. This is a business lunch here, OK?
Sorry. Excuse me. Get out of it.
Where did you get it that it was somebody from our side that ‐
No one here knew anything about it.
What about this actor you were helping?
What the fuck is that about? He wouldn't know.
All he knew was I owed money to somebody. Everybody owes to someone.
Anyway, he's a moron. And the fucker can't act.
Where is he now?
Here.
What's this?
It's Clive's. He forgot it when he fucked off.
What's in it?
Clues, Jock. Clues.
What clues? I don't know. It's locked.
So how do you know it's got clues in it?
I presume it has, man! Jesus!
Jesus... for fuck's sa...
Show a bit of initiative.
Where's the Aran Islands?
That's where he's gone. Very clever bloke.
Over there. West. Very good place to hide. Brilliant.
Well, do you think we should go there?
I'm not fucking going. It's your money.
I don't believe this.
You lost it. You can recognize him.
It's not big, like. You'll find him. Incredible.
You're in a very bad place, do you know that?
Relax. Stop talking about work all the time.
Fuck.
How tall is this Clive fella?
He's, uh... He's about my height.
This is the only way to get there?
Yeah, Jock, the only way to get to an island is over the sea.
If I don't find him, I'm coming straight back.
You still owe Magnani 50 thousand.
Yeah, yeah. Stop moaning.
Moaning? It's an annoying and fatiguing characteristic.
Well, coming from someone as balanced as you, pal,
I'll have to take that on board. Good man.
I get seasick.
Toodle‐oo. Good luck, now.
Jesus Christ, what's that fucking smell?
Oh... Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
(ship's horn blows)
Are you all right?
I just feel completely weird. I don't doubt it.
But that was mad weird, you know? It was like I was having memories.
You became Barreller.
Well, no. Made‐up memories of a made‐up Barreller.
Very thick and violent kind of Barreller.
No doubt an aspect of yourself.
What, that I'm thick and violent?
No. That you have an aspect.
An aspect that's both thick and violent?
In order to be convincing.
So you're talking to somebody about me, and you'd say,
"Tom, yeah, he's lovely, but there is this side to him that's thick and violent"?
No. You're overreacting to what is, at root,
a compliment.
You generally just praising my violent, aggressive nature?
That you found it.
You're full of shite, Tony. Do you know that? Within yourself.
Just admit one thing. What?
That I was right. That you were right?
You're learning from this. That's true. Fucking learning...
And we are sad men,
standing and awaiting advice from a nine‐year‐old girl.
Well, we're big enough to accept that.
And from that, we take faint comfort.
It's all we're ever gonna get.
And now we must desist before we wallow in self‐pity.
Good. We have to kill Clive.
You see, this Aran Islands plan
is only of any use in the short‐term.
He'll come back. It was an emergency. What the hell?
He's going to come back, and he's still going to want his money.
Ha‐ha‐ha‐ha. Exactly.
So the medium‐term solution is to kill Clive, the character,
and present Magnani with the problem that the money may be irrevocably lost,
along with Clive, and hope they give up.
But if Magnani holds Barreller responsible,
Clive's dead, the money's gone, but it's Barreller's fault.
That's a long‐term plan here.
The beauty is, Barreller and Magnani have never met.
They must never meet.
'Cause once Magnani knows who you are, things could turn unpleasant.
Which I would like to avoid, if at all possible. Ha‐ha‐ha.
That's the idea, and only a moron would need to state it.
What were we thinking? I have continuously cut you slack, young lady,
and I am not beyond having you disciplined. Here.
What is this plan?
It's the super‐longest‐term copperfasten plan.
Which is?
To invent a time machine, go back in time,
and never put this whole scheme into operation.
The chances of that would be...?
To put it scientifically, not brilliant.
But the first thing we can try is killing Clive off.
Kill my character? Yes.
Who's gonna do that? You will.
How?
You have to present yourself to Barreller again.
As Clive. No.
I'll go as me. No.
Who, then?
(Barreller) Can I get you anything, Jock?
(Scottish accent) Well, I am gonna need more popcorn, Barreller.
Oh, yeah. That's easy, then.
Lesley, get the popcorn, will you?
I need to keep eating popcorn.
It helps me convince myself I'm in the pictures
so I don't have to deal with the incredible brutality
I have to inflict on people, you know, every day.
Just kinda makes it seem quite not so real, you know?
I'm afraid I'm very much out of my depth here.
Well, just do your best, OK?
I don't say thanks, big man, OK? It's just something I don't do.
OK.
Don't want to lose my edge, you know? OK.
So. So who knew?
Who knew about your deal with Magnani?
Me and me daughter Dolores
and me two sons Ronnie and Lesley.
Lesley's not even all there, you know, or anything.
Lesley, you probably don't even know
who Mr. Magna... Magnanin... Magnanooni is, do you?
No.
And Ronnie's deaf in one ear. Ronnie.
Ronnie!
Brilliant. That's it? Like, no one else?
Well...
What's that? What's that wee sneaky look about? What's that?
Oh, that's... That's impossible.
There was this actor. I was helping him with stories.
He was an actor researching villains.
Lot of lowlifes in here, lot of actors in here ‐ horrible, dirty, no money.
He thought Dad was more of a serious criminal than he really is.
How serious are you? I'm completely legitimate now.
I have shares in this place, got an office,
electric kettle, biscuits, all... all that.
I mean, now, I may have talked meself up a little bit to this fella.
To this actor guy? Yeah.
What did you specifically tell him about Magnani?
It's just that in the shady world
of outside the normal procedures
of everything in everyday life,
it's possible for a certain party
to owe money to another certain party
without them having ever met.
And did you happen to casually fucking mention ‐
in your little tête‐à‐tête at the bar
entertaining your fucking actor pal ‐
did you happen by any chance to mention
that you might be such a certain party in a similar scheme of things?
Yes, I did.
So he could very plausibly then, go and tell somebody ‐
maybe an actor,
maybe an actor with abilities bordering on genius ‐
who decides to come around, fool you and take the money!
I don't know. I'm very sorry. I'd pay you the money back if I could.
Oh, you're sorry? Oh, good. Oh, that's all right, then.
Do you want some popcorn?
I'm having a fucking heart attack.
I'm having a fucking aneurysm in your bar!
I'm gonna have to talk to this actor guy.
Uh, maybe... What?
Maybe I should talk to him.
I'm not with you, darlin'.
He's harmless.
He's a puff. His name's O'Malley.
I'm not saying you're scary,
but if he was to become scared
and go to the police... You want the gentle approach?
He mightn't have told anyone intentionally.
Well, OK, fine. Fine. Maybe you've got a point.
However, if you don't get results...
All this popcorn, it's beginning to rot my face.
Gonna have to change my snack. In the daytime, anyway.
OK.
(Tony) If I did take the kingdom from your sons,
to make amends, I will give it to your daughter.
If I have kill'd the issue of your womb,
to quicken your increase,
I will beget my issue upon your daughter.
(all gasp)
Look, what has been done cannot be now amended.
(Tom) Can we please just give the money back?
After all we've been through?
I don't care. You may be a sniveling little cur,
but at the moment, that money is my only comfort.
My colleagues. My colleaugues.
The thing is, I like Barreller and Dolores,
and we're putting them through agony.
I will converse with iron‐witted fools.
He's not even a real crook. We shouldn't be stealing from the guy.
We are not stealing from him. We are robbing Magnani.
Who could be one of the biggest headcases in Europe.
Look, let's just stick to Mary's plan.
I tell Dolores how to contact Clive.
You play Clive. We fake Clive's death. Dolores tells Barreller.
Barreller tells Magnani, "We've found Clive,
and he's spent all the money, but he's dead."
What? It's that... simple.
What?! Don't back out now.
I can't do this.
We're so close. I can't, Tony. It's bollocks.
Shit. You're on. What? I haven't rehearsed.
Who is Clive supposed to be?
I don't know. I can't be here. Improvise.
I never improvise. Try it. It's fun!
Dolores, what a pleasant surprise.
(screaming) I'm very sorry.
And what can I do for you, my love?
How are the drama classes?
Ow.
(Dolores) I know we spoke about this
and you say you don't remember anything,
but the thing is, is that Dad thinks
he might have said something to you about this money,
and that you might have said something to somebody.
No.
Yes? Clive.
Yes, Clive. Tell me. No, but he wouldn't...
Who is he? He's my, uh, he's my cousin, Dolores.
He came here a little while ago,
down on his luck, you understand.
I mentioned that I was research...
Oh, I... Oh, I'm so sorry.
Mr. O'Malley, if you can just tell me where he is, if I can talk to him.
We might be able to help him.
You want to help him?
I only met him briefly, but... Yes?
I don't think that he... Yes?
I mean, I feel that...
Yes? That he'd listen to me.
You want to help him after all the things he's done...
to... both of us?
What the fuck are you saying, you stupid twonk?
I don't want to see anyone getting hurt. Where can I find him?
He wanted to go. He said he wanted to go away.
He owed some money,
and he needed to lie low for a while.
Where is he?
He's...
He's... He's in... Yes?
...Tubbetstown Castle.
Fuck. Fuck.
You stupid bollix.
You know how much that place costs.
Do you think this isn't hard enough?
You told me to improvise. I told you I can't improvise.
I told you to improvise, Tony.
I didn't tell you to go completely off the fucking biff.
Tom, Tom, Tubbetstown Castle... Yeah?
...felt right. Oh, you're an awful fucking eejit, Tony.
Did you enjoy the show, ladies? Yes.
What are you doing wearing school uniforms?
Surely you're all too old for school.
Especially you. (giggle)
Hey, you're nuts, you know that?
This is so you can stay in that place for one night.
Isn't that right?
Ignore him, ladies.
He has syphilis.
(girl) Did you hear that?
(Mary) Dear manager of Tubbetstown,
we wish to hire your castle for a night
on behalf of a famous actor who needs their privacy respected.
Therefore, we would ask that your staff vacate the premises
for the duration of the visit.
(gunshots)
Effective, aren't they?
Now, the cue is, "My balls swole up like a couple of grapefruit."
I blow the explosives, you're dead. OK?
"My balls swole up like a couple of grapefruit,"
I blow the squibs. OK.
Is this working? (feedback)
What are you trying to fucking do?
You're supposed to be able to hear me.
How am I gonna suddenly start talking about my balls?
You are an actor.
You will work it into the fabric of the scene.
I know you... Huh? (♪ lounge)
Into the fabric? I work my balls into the fabric?
Tom, focus.
(music stops)
Now be ready. I was covered in these things on Excalibur,
and they hurt like fuck when they go off.
Were there guns in Excalibur? In our Excalibur, yes.
All right.
Hello.
How you been?
Uhh.
You were absolutely entitled to do that.
What I did was wrong.
I just couldn't believe it. I know, I know.
You seemed so nice. Don't. I know. I was vain or something.
I wanted to see if I could do it.
Well, now you know. I mean, where the fuck are we going?
To the money. I'm minding this castle
for some earls and lords and that.
The Duke of Richard. He's an old mate.
I have done this before, you know.
It's all about catching the tides.
You gotta wait till the current likes you.
You know any songs?
I'm living here, ain't I? Hiding from my creditors.
I've always taken the easy way out.
Don't know what it is. Shortcuts and that.
My dad was the same. People can change, Clive.
You just need to make the effort.
Yeah, well, I can't do it by myself, can I?
I need someone else to show me the way.
Then I wouldn't end up in all these scrapes.
Can I ask you something? Why you so angry with me?
Because... Because... Because I'm a slave to my emotions.
I don't know why I expected you to understand.
(Dolores) So instead of admitting that you've done something wrong,
you're telling me that you're unlucky?
Yeah, exactly. I am...
Well, it's not all bad, obviously. I met you.
If I hadn't, maybe I still wouldn't care. That's not bad, is it?
So what are you saying? Actually, what I'm... what I'm saying is,
I wish I'd never gone through with the whole thing.
This is the castle. Whoa.
What's going on? Eh?
Listen...
What? Was it just me?
What do you mean? I mean...
You know, that time when we met, I thought that...
I suppose it was just part of the act, really.
Look...
So where's the money?
It's upstairs. Come on.
Was what part of the act? Nothing.
Why doesn't he say his cue?
"My balls swole as big as grapefruit." Is that so difficult to remember?
Listen, what do you mean?
Between you and me. Yeah.
What I felt when we sang.
Yeah. Was it part of the ruse?
No. Because...
Because if it was, that's a horrible gift that you have.
No, don't... To be able to cast that kind of spell.
That night, I lay in bed thinking about you and would I see you again.
What an idiot.
No. Listen, I'm the idiot.
(♪ lounge)
Talk about your balls. Why isn't he talking about his bollocks?
He's in love, Mr. O'Malley. In love?
What about me? I'll give him love.
No, wait! Come here.
Stop!
I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything.
This is a pointless exercise, young lady.
I am in peak condition.
But you've got to be a bit patient, 'cause it sounds a bit... mad.
Go away! This is pointless.
I'm sort of not who I seem to be.
Come here.
I have made such a big mistake.
Go away! Come here.
(laughs)
I can't do this anymore. You're all I ever think about.
Give me that. Give me that.
I've been unbelievably stupid...
Give it to me. Give it to me.
...and...
No.
Ha‐ha!
Stop!
Ow!
(gunshots)
Give it to me.
Fucking hell, that was sore.
You're shot. No, you don't understand.
Clive, just stay there, OK? Don't move, OK?
Uh, no, wait. Fuck! There's no signal on my phone.
Don't move, OK? I'm gonna come back.
Come back. Dolores. Aw, bollocks.
Give it to me. No. Get away.
Hello, can you hear me? Hello?
Hello. Hello, can you hear me?
You twit. What are you doing?
This is wrong. You're losing your mind.
You can't drop me in it, Tom. I won't let you!
Hello. Is there anyone there? Fuck!
(Tom and Tony yell)
Unbelievable. (music stops)
She's right.
Pull yourself together, man.
♪ Mi‐mi‐mi‐mi‐mi ♪
Aaah. Ooh...
(woman over PA) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your final call.
Beginners, please.
What's the matter with you?
Clive's dead. All our troubles are over.
You don't care, not even a little bit, how she must feel?
She's as tough as old boots, that girl.
Anyway, she's always got my shoulder to cry on.
You? Yes, I've known her longer than you have.
So? I know how she feels.
How does she feel? She worships me.
Oh, she worships you. Right. Yeah, of course.
Our troubles are over!
You fucking come back here, T... Tony, come here!
Tony.
Fuck.
Now is the winter of our discontent...
(♪ "Lovely Morning) When I got back, he'd vanished.
His blood was everywhere, but he'd gone.
I mean, I'm the one.
I must have led his killers to him.
I am so sorry, Mr. O'Malley. I feel fucking terrible.
I shouldn't have let you go.
I mean, I was robbed and left in the shitter,
but to be killed like that.
If only I hadn't let slip our conversation about the money.
You weren't to know, and I should have kept me big mouth shut.
Clive and I weren't too close, Dolores.
He had many qualities about him,
which, to tell you the truth, made him something of an insect.
(rings) Hello.
We all do stupid things. That's right. We all do.
(Ronnie) Dolores!
No, Barreller. Not all of us.
I'm sorry to contradict you.
Not all of us.
Who's on the phone? Yeah.
I need a piss.
Hello? (Mary) Hello.
I'm ringing from the serious‐injury hospital.
There's a gentleman here who's been asking for you. He's been shot.
Clive? Yes, Clive.
Are you sure? It can't be. I saw him.
He was shot about 20 times. (knocking on door)
We're closed. We've got the best surgeons in the world.
There's nothing we haven't seen. Of course.
He's still in a very serious condition,
but a visit from you, I think, would brighten up his spirits considerably.
(banging on door) We're closed!
You're certain it's him? That he's alive?
How many people called Clive
do you think were shot in Tubbetstown Castle
and have your number? Sorry.
Ronnie, see who it is, tell them to fuck off.
Could I see him tomorrow?
What? The door!
I think he would like that very much.
Fuckin' deaf eejit.
(banging) (dial tone)
Hey! No, wait!
Daddy! Daddy?
Come on. Come on! (Dolores) Jesus!
Take it easy. He's not the full shilling.
The Aran Islands is fucking freezing.
(whirring) Exactly how many Barrellers are in your fuckin' outfit?
I'm Barreller. I'm the only Barreller. Is this Barreller, is it? Huh?
Is this Barreller, is it? Take it easy. He's got a bad ear.
I'll give him two fucking bad ears.
(Barreller) Hey!
Ahh! Ooh. Fuck.
Dad, will you... Fuck.
Aah! Ow! Oh, fuck.
Who are ya? What do you want? Where's Magnani's money?
I gave it to Clive. Who is Clive?
The guy your fellas killed in Tubbetstown.
Who was that Scottish bloke who came here? I'm the Scottish bloke!
Then who the fuck is Jock? I'm Jock!
Do you like popcorn? Do you eat popcorn?
For the last time, have you got Magnani's money?
I gave it to Clive. There isn't any Clive!
Dolores, tell this fucking eejit what happened to Clive.
He was killed. Stone dead.
Great. That's it. Let me up, please.
Don't... Don't you try it.
Don't you fucking try nothing.
You'll get that.
Don't try anything.
I don't know what kind of fucking pantomime you're running here,
but you have brought it on yourselves.
Magnani's coming over.
Let him come!
Her! Who's her?
Magnani. She's a woman. For fuck's sake.
Well, let her come. Daddy.
Ohh... What can I do? Clive is dead!
What the fuck can I do?
Huh? Daddy.
Let her come. What can I do?
♪ Oh, what a lovely morning...
(door opens)
(coin clatters)
(door opens)
♪ Oh, what a lovely morning
♪ Oh, what a...
Follow that taxi.
♪ Oh, what a lovely morning ♪
I was just really lucky, I suppose,
that most of the bullets hit me in the arse.
Then why is all the plaster around your chest?
Um, well, a lot... a lot of the bullets,
they went up my arse into the chestular area.
My God.
Doctors have never seen anything like it. It's great to see you.
I'm glad you survived, but do you have the money?
If I had it, I'd give it to you, I swear,
but my would‐be assassins, whoever they may be, got their hands on it.
I want to make it up to you, I do.
I'm gonna work every hour God sends me
until you have it back, I promise.
But I wanted to see you, you know.
Not because of that, but...
I want to see you... You've got every reason to reject me, but I...
I know. You don't have to say anything.
I have feelings, too.
Yeah? But they're for someone else.
Who? It's your cousin, Clive.
Anthony O'Malley. (coughing)
You all right? You all right?
My arm!
Yeah, that's much better. Brilliant.
Aah! Oh, dear.
Whoops‐a‐daisy.
Thank you. You're very kind.
(coughs)
I never want to see you again, Clive. You've caused so much misery.
No, wait, Dolores! Dolores, wait a minute.
Dolores, wait. Wait a minute. Listen to me.
All right, my fucking bucko.
Dolores! Dolores!
The famous Clive. I'm not. You've got the wrong guy.
Tell it to Magnani. I always get my man. Help. Help. Help me.
I have to admit, it was a nice touch
getting your accomplice to imitate Barreller. Help me, please!
The Aran Islands? Doctor?
Nice. But the fun's over, Clive.
Magnani arrives over tonight for her money and for you.
And for Barreller for being so fucking stupid with his fucking big mouth.
And for that bird. She told me you were dead.
She thought I was dead... Ah, save it for the interrogation.
Barreller's office, midnight. What?
I trust you'll be joining us. Well, actually...
Here, just for my own curiosity, who shot you?
A jealous lover, right? Ah, you're kidding me.
You're not worth a bullet. I've other plans for you, pal.
Here, check this out. Huh?
What is...? Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ears! Ears! Fuck!
Oh, God. What the...? Fuck!
Fuck off. Fuck off. Hang on. I've got you now.
Fuck off! I've got you now.
Fuck off! You're a dead man! You're a dead man!
Ears. He's got ears. You'll never get away. Here!
Run! Stop him. Here.
Stop him!
Aaah!
Aw, come on! Fuck.
Airport, arrivals. Now. Move it. Move it.
Hang on! Hang on. For God's sake.
Wait till I get in the car.
Mary, Magnani's coming. What, now?
Yes, now. OK, stay calm.
OK. I know. Get a dress. Do you hear me?
A dress?
Plots have I laid, inductions dangerous...
Excuse me.
(grunts) Oh! Fuck!
Ladies and gentlemen...
What the fuck?
Bloody fiasco!
Are you out of your tiny mind?
This is theater. This is Shakespeare.
Magnani's coming, OK? So just give me the money.
You cannot stop a play.
...are both, are we not, business people?
We are both, are we not, business people?
A certain party owes another party money, neither party ever having met.
You know what happens if they do meet?
One of them is gonna come round here
and cut your little mickey off,
and I'm this close to not caring anymore.
Swallow your pride, go next door and borrow a dress.
Borrow a dress? A frock. Get into a frock!
A frock?
Here, I'll take that.
Ooh! That's heavy.
Nearly.
We are both, are we not, business people?
I have been reasonable,
but no one expects to be tricked.
I am at a loss.
I am absolutely clueless.
(Tony, higher voice) Mr. Barreller?
Barreller's just fine.
We have had a fine time, haven't we?
I was fooled, Mrs. Magaloony. I was tricked.
It's all right.
We've recovered the money, and we have the culprit.
Clive? I have a very effective Scottish friend.
But Clive is dead. He fools you very easily, doesn't he?
But I don't like to be tricked. We're bringing him here tonight.
I thought you might like to watch. Watch what?
The fun. Ah, no. I don't think I do.
Perhaps you might like to retire somewhere.
(wheezing voice) Don't worry. We'll clean up after.
You won't even know we were here.
I... I think I'll just go and wash me face. Excuse me.
Ooh!
Cheer up. It's over.
(normal voice) That was pretty fucking good, Tony. Well, I, uh...
(normal voice) What do you mean? I mean it was very good.
What are you saying?
What do you mean? Are you trying to say that I'm a p...?
Because I am not. Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah, I think you're gay, OK? I think you're degenerate.
You like big hairy men. It's all coming out now, isn't it?
All the jealousy. All the spite. They're here.
Go on. Go. Go. I am sorry to tell you that you have just made
a very powerful enemy, my boy.
(man) Jock, is this it? Are you seri...?
Are you fucking serious?! You want to talk about this now? This is not the end of this.
We are so very, very far from the end.
(imitates Tony) "We are so very far from the end.
"We are so very, very far from the end.
"So very far from the end." (groans)
And who are you?
(higher voice) I'm Mrs. O'Groany.
I represent Barreller.
You represent him?
I have your money.
Get in.
Good woman, yourself, Tony.
What a gentleman.
Thank you, Tony.
Mind your tights.
By golly.
(imitates Tony) "Very, very far from the end."
What kind of...?
Aah!
Fuck! Who's that?
What the fuck? Stop. Stop! Who's there?
(English accent) I wouldn't move, if I were you. Things might become heated.
Who are you?
You disappoint me. And you were doing so well, Mr. Quirk.
How do you know me?
There's little I don't know or can't find out.
I'm Magnani. You can't be, because Tony isn't...
Don't panic, my love.
Recognize these? Please attach yourself to the stairs.
Hurry, Mr. Quirk. I don't have all day.
There.
You're shaking. I've never...
You're trembling.
I've never been tortured before.
A‐ah ah ah ah‐ha!
Aiyah! I think you like it.
I think you wanted to be caught, to be trapped, to be made to suffer.
Well, here you are.
So, Mrs. O'Groany, as a woman,
which do you think instills more respect in a man ‐
the threat of violence
or the dim, distant prospect of sexual intercourse?
Oh, I wouldn't know.
The, uh, sex.
Say, "I want you to hurt me."
Oh, look, come on. Can we...? (whispers) Mr. Quirk, say it.
A‐ah a‐ah a‐ah... Ow!
I want you to hurt me. I want you to hurt me, please.
I will.
Dolores.
(mouths)
Don't do that. Dolores, please don't do that. Don't!
(Magnani) What are you doing? He left it up here.
No!
(normal voice) Relax. It's just water.
Yes, it's up here, but it's caught.
You'll get your gloves dirty. They're black anyway.
Ah, here it is.
How long have you known?
Oh, only, like, since Tubbetstown.
You blew yourself up, for God's sake.
Then telling me you'd survived.
I know. That was a bit much.
Here we go.
No. Nothing else up here.
We may have incurred some small expenses.
You know, you're a fucking good actor. Am I?
Anyway, I'm a thief, you know?
But we're giving the money back. Tony's with Magnani right now.
I need to get out of these, 'cause I don't know how he is or anything.
(Magnani) Mrs. O'Groany. What?
Your hair is on fire. What?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Wait a minute. You're a bloke! How dare you?
He's a bloke! Are you wearing a wire?
Who are you, and what are you doing?
Perhaps he has this coming to him. How can you say that?
You love the man. Are you out of your fucking mind?
He's the biggest asshole I ever met.
Let's let him suffer. Let's see how you like it.
Look, you've got your money, what you came for.
Why don't you just take it and go?
Are you with the police? No. No.
Who are you? I am an actor.
What?
I know he's an asshole, but he's a friend asshole.
Are you Barreller?
No. What does it matter? It doesn't matter now.
No. You see, Mrs. O'Groany, it does matter.
What are you doing? You've got your money.
Let's not do something stupid. You already have.
Aah! Fuck.
Just take them off for a while. We'll go for a drink. No.
Now, who are you?
Get sandwiches. Shut up.
My name is Anthony O'Malley.
No? Well, I'm in a production of Richard III.
I am Richard III,
and the man who robbed you, he's in it with me.
His name is Thomas Quirk.
Please, I love you.
I didn't do anything. It was his idea. Look in my handbag.
Look. There's a theater program there.
Go back. No, further back.
Right back. Right back. Right back.
That's him. See, that's Thomas Quirk.
(sirens wailing and horns honk)
Ohh...
Oh! Out the back.
Bastard.
Tony, are you OK? (knocking on door) Thomas.
Come on, open up. It's Tom. Come on. Tony.
(Dolores) Mr. O'Malley, are you in there? (doorbell rings)
Tony! Tony!
(woman over PA) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your ten‐minute call.
Enjoy the final performance.
(stage manager) Can I get some actors on stage, perchance to dream?
Dream on. Dream on.
(man) Dream on.
What's the matter with you?
Is it the money?
Well, I'm relieved.
No amount of money is worth that kind of hassle, Tony.
None.
Don't slouch. Here.
Hello. I'm Mary. I'm nine.
My uncle's in this play. He's a very good man.
OK. I'm Dolores. How are you?
Generally, a bit disappointed, usually.
Let's sit together.
OK.
You're incredibly beautiful. Did you know that?
Thanks. Don't be shy. It's true.
Wait till you see my uncle. He's a terrific actor.
(woman over PA) Five minutes to curtain...
Listen, um, I'm meeting her for a drink later, OK?
I just thought you should know.
I mean, I know you like her and everything.
I don't know if it's going to amount to anything,
but I wanted you to know.
She's going to be in tonight.
I tell you, it's making me nervous as fuck.
Row 24, E and F.
Dive...
Dive tho...
Dive, thoughts, down into my soul ‐
here Clarence comes.
Brother, good day.
What means this armed guard that waits upon your grace?
That's him.
(man) ...hath appointed this conduct
to convey me to the Tower.
Upon what cause?
Because my name is George. Hi.
Alack, my lord, that fault is none of yours.
He should, for that, commit your godfathers.
O, belike his majesty hath some intent
that you should be new‐christen'd in the Tower.
Whoa! (audience screams)
(shouts)
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'll come down.
Just give her some air. (people murmuring)
Stand by yourself?
(people) Ohh!
Fuck.
(theatrical laughter)
Ill news, by'r lady. Seldom comes the better.
Neighbors, God speed!
Give you good morrow, sir.
Doth the news hold of good King Edward's death?
(woman) Aye, sir, it is too true. God help the while!
Then, masters, look to see a troublous world.
No, no, by God's good grace, his son shall reign.
(both laugh)
I'm sorry. Line? "Woe to that land that's govern'd by a child!"
Oh, yeah. Sorry. What? What?
(Mary and Tony) "Woe to that land that's govern'd by a child!"
Woe to that...
What she said.
Show me that.
(theatrical laughter) It's him.
I am having the worst show of my life. Me too.
A horse! A horse!
My kingdom for a horse!
Oh! Aah!
(sound of explosions, gunshots, siren blaring)
(sounds fade)
(actor) Abate the edge of traitors, gracious Lord,
that would reduce these bloody days again
and make poor England weep in streams of blood!
Now, civil wounds are stopp'd...
(explosion) (man) Sorry.
...and peace lives again.
God say Amen. (cast) Amen.
Ohh!
Fucking hell.
Oh.
(Tom) Incredible!
The worst yet!
You'd think I couldn't get any worse. How could I get any worse?!
But unbelievably, on the last night ‐
the last night ‐
I find lower depths.
Oh, fuck it!
(champagne cork pops next door/laughter)
It must be all the... It must be all the excitement.
Hey? Tony?
What do you think, hmm?
Tony, can I give you a hand with that?
Tom?
Yeah?
(knock on door)
I've...
betrayed you.
What do you mean? (knocking)
I'm weak, Tom.
Who's at the door?
Everything is so...
wrong.
(door opens)
Well, gentlemen.
Tony?
This is Thomas Quirk.
Yes. What do you want?
We want the man who fooled everybody.
This is him. Tony.
Well, now... may I?
Oh, please do, yes.
This is where we have a little problem.
You're telling us he played all the parts?
(Tony) He did, and he was wonderful.
Mr. O'Malley, we were at the show tonight,
and we realized something. That fucker canna act.
Here, now, I might have had a bad show. That can happen...
You were shite.
You forgot your lines. You stood in the wrong places.
You nearly brained a woman in the front row.
I've been tired. I have good nights. Tony?
Yeah. Yes. On occasion, he's been sufficiently OK.
Thank you, Tony. That's great.
I sent you to the Aran Islands, you stupid bollix.
You think I'm stupid, huh? You think I'd believe you, huh?
You're strictly amateur hour. What you talking about?
You could nae send me a Christmas card.
All right. All right, gentlemen.
I know what I saw.
Mr. Quirk...
I'm sorry. Your acting leaves much to be desired.
I didn't, and I don't know how anybody could,
believe you... for a second.
Which brings us to the heart of our problem, Mr. O'Malley.
You, on the other hand, were magnificent.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
One does what one can with the material one... Wait a minute.
Oi! Wait... Tony!
Wait a minute. Tony?!
You don't think that I...? I couldn't do... You... But...
No, I deal in stagecraft, not in reality.
I mean, this is life. I mean, I...
On stage, I... I...
On stage, not...
I see.
Ow.
Not the face.
(applause)
And now we come to what many consider
the most hotly contended award of the evening ‐
best actor in a leading role.
(Marty) In this particular category, it's been a super year.
It certainly has, and the nominees are...
Paul Ó Grádaigh in We're Home from the Hills.
Stiofan McAlister in Bucketful of Angels.
Marcus Ó Gearhaghty in The Conniptions of Rover.
And Anthony O'Malley in Richard III.
And the award goes to...
This is stiff competition. Uh‐huh.
(mutters) Come on, you stupid bitch.
(both) Anthony O'Malley. Yes!
Yes! Yes!
(cheers and applause)
You losers. Talentless bastards.
Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.
Aah! Fuck.
Thank you. Oh!
And you.
Move back. That's enough.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Best actor. Best actor...
Ah, it's a load of shite. I'm going for a drink. I'm going for a drink.
"What is acting?" Come for a drink.
...I asked myself... Fuck you, then.
...every evening as I stared into the mirror,
applying makeup. (fly buzzes)
I watch myself slowly disappear
as I breathe life into whatever creation I must face and defeat
over the next three hours
before I can reclaim myself,
never forgetting... Jesus. Hey, it's on! It's on!
(man) What's on? It's on!
What's fucking...
What's fucking on? (♪ jingle)
Thank you.
(cockerel crows)
So cheeky.
McCullagh's.
My God, that's a right lump of a sausage.
Great. Really good. (man) Nice one, Dolores.
(man #2) Not bad. Say, what's with the ass?
(♪ ballroom)
You're lucky.
There's not many men can fall three stories and live to tell the tale.
An actor is always in peak condition, Barreller.
Yeah, I suppose so.
I ask you, what kind of a fucking eejit
just falls out of a fucking window?
What?
May I? Aye. Come on.
You're going to have to pick me up.
All right.
Your dad doesn't suspect us, does he?
No. He doesn't know what the fuck was going on.
He's just glad it's all over.
You know, all the agony. Ahh! What the fuck are you doing?
But I like hurtin' ya.
You're such a baby.
Sorry. Are you gonna make it better?
Yeah.
Ahh!
Oh, I'm so sorry. Whoo!
I was just coming to congratulate you
on such a wonderful performance this evening.
I suppose many people have told you you're beautiful.
Have you ever thought of doing Shakespeare? Ophelia?
Not you, sir. Her....
Is that better? You're getting there, yeah.
It wouldn't be difficult, because we'd only use the vowel sounds.
Oo ee, oo o uh ee,
a i ee e ee o.
Well, I suppose even stupid people
deserve happy endings,
but the bad actors always get all the attention.
You never notice the good ones.
The good ones disappear.
(♪ "Star of the Sea")
(girl) ♪ In the city, there's a thousand souls and
♪ I want to tell them all I'm sorry
♪ I get up, and I face the morning
♪ I get up, and I face the morning tonight
(children) ♪ It's all right
♪ Star
♪ Of the sea
♪ Have mercy
♪ On me
♪ Part
♪ The clouds
♪ Look down
♪ In the city, there's a thousand souls and
♪ I want to tell them all I'm sorry
♪ I get up, and I face the morning
♪ I get up, and I face the morning tonight
♪ It's all right
♪ Star
♪ Of the sea
♪ Have mercy
♪ On me
♪ Star
♪ In the clouds
♪ Look down
♪ Look down ♪