(THEME MUSIC)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks, the music-obsessed panel show.
If music be the food of love, I'm prediabetic.
And realistically tonight, I'm not the only one.
(LAUGHTER) On Daisy's team tonight...
♪ Yippee-ippee-ey-ey-ay-yey-yey...
A singer-songwriter whose answer to any question in the 90s was,
"I'll have some more drugs please." It's Shaun Ryder.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And our next guest is...
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah...
The maraca-shaking, melon twister-in-chief,
whose answer to every question in the 90s was,
"I'll have some more drugs too, please."
(LAUGHTER) It's Bez!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And joining Noel and Jamali tonight...
A brilliant comedian who chose to leave New York and live in Streatham,
she'll be in the future swapping her car for a shopping trolley
and her clothes for some discarded nappies.
It's Desiree Burch!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome to the show, everybody.
I feel like the Happy Mondays have been part of my entire life,
but the thing that occurred to me is, I can't imagine
what both of you did before the Mondays.
Yeah, you don't want to know, mate. I do!
(LAUGHTER) I do, Bez.
Well, we used to live in flats together, didn't we, for ages?
We used to wash up in the bath. Yeah, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
And that's it, you didn't have a job before the Mon-No, no.
I did! Did you? What was your job?
At 15, I was a messenger boy at the post office taking telegrams,
telling people to get...
they're getting evicted from their flats and stuff like that.
Whilst washing up in the bath with Bez?
It was all right as a messenger boy. As soon as you got to 18,
you became a man and that was just shit!
What, YOU were a messenger man then? Well, yeah, I became a postman.
DAISY: I would bloody love you to be my postman!
You fucking wouldn't! (LAUGHTER)
Part of me thought you might have said drug dealer as a job,
because of this tweet we found - Oh, right, yeah.
Someone tweeted this -
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
What did you do before comedy, Jamali?
I only had two jobs. I was a paintball referee,
and I got shot in the dick and left. (LAUGHTER)
The other job I had, I used to sell double glazing on the phone.
And I would call, like, old women about,
"Listen, I don't want to sell you nothing, just chat to me."
They'd be like, "Oh, my husband's died,
but I went to the shop and bought some beans.
It was 9p, but the other shop was 10p."
I was like, "Fuck, no wonder your husband's died!"
(LAUGHTER) Out of sheer boredom.
You got paid back for all that by getting shot in the dick!
(LAUGHTER)
Right, we start the show with a round called People Are Strange,
because people are strange, and none more so than musicians.
Ozzy Osbourne, of course, famously bit the head off a bat,
which started a chain of events
that led directly to the current global pandemic.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you, Ozzy (!)
Not true. Off we go.
Noel's team, your question is all about this guy.
♪ And I've been in trouble
♪ Wooaahhhh...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You know why that woman in the bar had such a moody face,
cos it's in Shaun's flat and there's plates in there.
(LAUGHTER)
That was distressed howler monkey in a leather jacket, Matt Bellamy.
But what did he say was his greatest fear?
Was it, A -
B -
Or is it C -
NOEL: Fuck. To be fair, "stubby gob" is a better name than Muse, innit?
(LAUGHTER)
DESIREE: The cigarette butts are going to kind of up his rock value.
I don't think that can be a fear.
Clams, that's - Do you think clams?
That's Freudian, right? Like, I don't know what, but...
It's Freudian cos they look - like tiny, tiny vaginas. - Yes!
The tiniest vagina... they're clones.
It is quite scary, isn't it?
Like, there's nothing worse than a closing vagina.
Nothing worse. That is terrible.
That's... That's.. That's terrifying.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
- That's scary. - Do you want me to tell you some stuff about Matt Bellamy?
I don't know much about him. Here's an interesting fact.
He's got a jetpack, and he put some technical information about it.
"You just attach it to your back and zoom through the air."
So that's, er, technical... (LAUGHTER)
It sounds like a jetpack you get off of Amazon,
where there's two instructions, like, "turn on, ready to go?"
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
Come on then, Noel's team, let's have an answer.
I feel clams is just a funny word you put in there, Greg, as a...
Correct. Yes.
I don't know why,
but I think someone who's scared to be impregnated by a alien
- would own a jetpack as well. - Yeah. I think they're two and two.
Shall we go for the alien - giving birth one? - Yeah.
I think so. Yeah?
Yeah. All right, team.
All right, the answer is A - Matt Bellamy's biggest fear
is being impregnated by an alien and giving birth.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And I quote Matt Bellamy, "It would be awful to give birth to a freak,
and have to bring it up as your own,
a fear that for my mother became a horrible reality."
OK, Daisy's team, take a look at this.
♪ And I'll be right here with you 'til the end
♪ I got my peaches out in Georgia (oh, yeah, shit)
♪ I get my weed from California (that's that shit)
♪ I took my chick up to the North, yeah (badass bitch)
♪ I get my light right from the source, yeah...
(APPLAUSE)
That is the worst thing to come out of Canada.
Fighting off stiff competition from Nickelback
and the corpses of a million baby seals, Justin Bieber.
(LAUGHTER)
DAISY: That's going to get cut out, surely?
NOEL: No, no, people fucking hate seals.
(LAUGHTER)
But what self-important activity did Justin insist took place
during his 2017 tour of India?
Was it A -
Was it B -
Or was it C -
What do we think? Could be all of them.
It could be all of them.
There is a bit of me that thinks he would get all of his crew...
Tattooed. ..to have a tattoo.
You a Justin Bieber fan, Shaun? He's a talented kid.
You got to give him that. At the end of the day, he's a talented kid.
- Yeah? - He might be a twat, but he's a talented kid!
(LAUGHTER)
Do you want some other things Justin Bieber has done during his career?
He pissed into a bucket in a New York restaurant... Wow!
So does everyone. (LAUGHTER)
We've all pissed in a bucket, sure. I mean, in a New York...
Oh, my God, you're lucky if it's piss.
(LAUGHTER)
He signed the visitor's book at the Anne Frank Museum...
with "Anne was a great girl.
Hopefully she would have been a belieber."
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, that's true. That's true.
Was it Justin Bieber who had a monkey and he let it go?
He took a pet monkey on tour,
got bored of his monkey and dumped it - in a German zoo. - You're kidding!
Fuck it, leave it in this German zoo!
We once was in Barbados,
and there's a monkey was being - billed as Jack the Ripper. - Baboon.
I'm walking along the beach one morning, right, about six o'clock,
and this big, massive baboon
just dropped out of the fucking tree in front of me, right?
I've been smoking crack all night. (LAUGHTER)
This thing stood there like that. And I think, you know what?
If I move now, he's (BEEP)... I've got no fear, fear like dogs.
I went, "I'll fucking kill you, you (BEEP)!"
Like that, you know what I mean?
And... And the baboon just fucked off.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I didn't expect to go from Justin Bieber
to you smoking crack and chasing off a baboon.
(LAUGHTER)
What do you reckon, then?
Let's unfortunately get back to Justin Bieber.
NOEL: Oh, fuck Justin Bieber! (LAUGHTER)
I... I think C. What do you think?
You think C? Yeah, yeah.
What are you thinking, Shaun? Er, not much.
(LAUGHTER)
I... I thought it was the one where he got his chef to cook.
Yeah. I've got to say, I agree with you.
I think B, I think the chef thing.
I'll go with you two with B, then. OK, we...
Don't follow me, I'm always fucking wrong.
(LAUGHTER) I will.
We're going to go with B, are we?
Yeah, B, the... B, please.
The answer is B - Justin Bieber had a professional chef prepare meals...
(APPLAUSE)
..inspired by his most popular songs.
In 2017, the alleged details of Bieber's rider
for his tour in India were leaked out.
The rider included top culinary experts
serving him 20 gourmet dishes renamed after his popular songs.
Chef Jean Paul said,
"It was quite a challenge, but in the end my system was simple.
For the song Peaches, I used some peaches.
For the song, Baby, I committed an awful atrocity."
(LAUGHTER)
And for the others, I just piped the name of the song on top of a quiche."
So, at the end of that round, it's a draw, one point each.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hooray.
Let's see a photo of the lads back in the glory days.
Hooray! Cor!
SHAUN: Acid eyes, look at them, they're like fucking saucers!
(LAUGHTER)
Bez, what happened with you and Julia Roberts?
(GASPS) Well, I was out one night,
we'd just done a gig in LA somewhere where I was partying.
Next thing, I was being chatted up by this bird, it was Julia Roberts.
And we'd just watched Pretty Woman on the plane over there.
At first I didn't recognise her and she's flicking her hair about,
to say, I've just had my hair done. You might not recognise me.
Then she wanted to take me off to my car to show me her ID.
(LAUGHTER)
But it's like one of them stories, you know, fishing stories,
like, it was that big and...
as a fisherman, the one what got away.
But life could have been so different, you know what I mean?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Forty years you've known each other? God, is it that long?
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, it is.
How would you describe your friendship over the years?
Sexless marriage. A sexless marriage?
(LAUGHTER)
Do you still see each other - regularly? - Yeah.
All the time? We still work with each other.
You know him back to front? Yeah.
Let's put it to the test, shall we? (LAUGHTER)
It's time for the ID Parade.
Can you identify Bez dancing in silhouette alongside four non-Bezes?
Bez, off you go, go round there. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Get it right, it's over!
And just in case you need a recap of Bez dancing, here you go.
(APPLAUSE)
Bezes, stand still. (LAUGHS)
All Bezes, stand still. (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(LAUGHING) ..we bloody know which one!
DESIREE: I can't... Oh, my god!
Do you know how fucking long this took to set up?
(LAUGHTER)
We had to build that fucking framework!
There's not a person in this room who doesn't know who fucking Bez is!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, my god!
Right, we're going to shuffle the Bezes.
(APPLAUSE)
DAISY: Oh my god, it's like being a parent,
and watching your child at a nativity
and they're being a really shit donkey.
(LAUGHTER)
So is it number one Bez?
Number two, New Year's Bezolution?
Number three, Bez, get that looked at?
Number four, Bez, just keep this between ourselves?
Or number five, Joe Biden, Bezident of the United States?
Now, let's give us a little dance.
(MUSIC STARTS)
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
(CHEERING)
Wooh!
Any idea who Bez might be, Shaun?
Er, f-f-f-f... Yeah, One.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I wonder, would number one please reveal himself?
(LAUGHTER)
I mean, you don't have to!
Bez, come out, mate! Come out!
(LAUGHTER) Come out! Reveal yourself!
(DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
You're twisting me melons, man!
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
At the end of that round, Noel's team have one point
and Daisy's team are in the lead with two points.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Time for a break. We'll see you in a bit.
We're missing you already. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to a celebration of music
that is Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
As Jack Kerouac once said, the only truth is music,
to which his friend replied,
Jack, I asked you a question, did you shit behind those bins?
(LAUGHTER)
Now it's time for the Intro Round.
Noel and Jamali, on your feet, and here are your intros for Desiree.
It's the title of the songs we're looking for, please.
Desiree, please go and take your place.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Right. We'll give it a go.
Ready?
♪ Do do-do do-do do do
♪ Do do-do do do do-do do-do
(MAKES DRUMMING NOISES) # Do do do-do do...
(LAUGHS)
♪ Do do-do do-do do-do do-do
Sorry, I shouldn't interfere,
but just as a little bit of advice, totally ignore Jamali.
(LAUGHTER)
There's a song and then there's...
♪ Do do-do do do do... I..
That sounds like Dancing - In The Dark. - Argh!
Is that your guess? Yes.
You're right! All right, thank you!
It was...
It was Dancing In The Dark by Bruce Springsteen.
Here's how it should have sounded.
(START OF DANCING IN THE DARK PLAYS)
OK, I see now, I see... That weren't bad.
That was Dancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen, which includes the line,
"I get up in the evening and I ain't got nothing to say."
What you doing getting up in the evening? Are you depressed,
have you got ME, pull yourself together, the boss.
(LAUGHTER) Next...
Next one please. OK?
♪ Poo-poo poo-poo poo-poo poo-poo
♪ Poo-poo poo-poo poo poo poo
♪ Poo-poo poo-poo poo-poo poo-poo
♪ Poo-poo poo-poo... I'm coming in.
(MAKES DRUMMING NOISES) (LAUGHTER)
I don't have a lot of range. (LAUGHTER)
♪ Dancing in the dark... (LAUGHTER)
JAMALI: Oh please, you're fucking me up, bro, stop!
I don't know, I mean, it's creeping me the fuck out,
that is like the theme to Psycho.
That's not... You're not a million miles away.
Oh, so it's like a filmic, it's...
(CONTINUES SINGING TUNE)
Oh, is it like creepy children singing?
DAISY: Why don't you move your lips when you do it?
(CONTINUES SINGING TUNE) (LAUGHTER)
Because I do that at bus stops to scare old ladies.
(CONTINUES SINGING TUNE) (LAUGHTER)
I have something with synth, I... I don't..
I... I got nothing.
Sorry Desiree, I'm throwing it over. Daisy's team, any idea?
I don't know, what do you guys - think? - It sounds something like,
Cure or Tears for Fears, but it's not.
I was thinking maybe Okay by Usher.
I'm afraid you're wrong. It was Funky Friday by Dave.
And here's how it should have sounded.
(START OF FUNKY FRIDAY PLAYS)
OK. Yeah.
You were almost... It is a bit psycho, isn't it?
This was on the way. (LAUGHTER)
That's Dave, the rapper.
Him and I aren't as different as you might think.
We both spent 1998 largely in tears and soiling ourselves.
Dave, of course, was a newborn baby,
whereas I was in my mid-30s, living in a shared house,
my girlfriend had just left, I had no direction.
It was a pretty dark time, actually, er...
(LAUGHTER)
I guess, er... I guess I was pretty lost.
(LAUGHTER)
Desiree, please go back to your seat. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Daisy and Bez, it's your turn to perform to Shaun now.
Good luck, Shaun, please go and take your place.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
This is going to be a car crash, I'm warning you!
(LAUGHTER) Right, here we go.
I'm looking forward to this so much.
(LAUGHTER)
Here we go, song one. - It's going to be great! - Off you go.
♪ Wah wah-wah wah wah wah
♪ Wah wah-wah wah wah wah wah wah (LAUGHTER)
(CONTINUES SINGING TUNE)
(LAUGHTER)
What the fuck is Daisy doing?
That's not the tune! Is it not?
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) We're playing the wrong tune?
Right, do it again. Let's have it again.
Oh god. # Dow dow-dow dow dow dow
♪ Dow dow dow dow bom-bom-bom
I mean, what the fuck is this? DESIREE: Yeah, absolutely!
(LAUGHTER)
I can't help it - Is it a dance tune?
Yeah, it's an Happy Mon- Shh! No clues.
(LAUGHTER)
No clues.
Do it again.
♪ Dow, dow-dow-dow
♪ Dun-dun-dun bum-bum-bum-bum...
Right, that's it, I'm pushing you for it, Shaun.
NOEL: Shaun's written this tune, hasn't he?
(LAUGHTER)
This is why I don't sing. Loose fit.
Nearly. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
This is a pretty sweet clue for Noel's team.
Go on, yes. I'm throwing it over.
Kinky Afro. (LAUGHTER)
Don't tell him!
Which one, Bez?
(LAUGHTER)
Hallelujah. You can't act...
(LAUGHTER) You can't do...
You can't play charades at this game.
No, that's not how it works!
It's clearly a Happy Monday song, we've worked that much out.
(LAUGHTER) Noel said it.
Oh, did I? I said Step On and Kinky Afro, I can't... I...
Well, you've got to pick - between those two. - Kinky Afro.
You are right.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
What was that, the bass? It was a kind of...
- Was that the bass?! - The wah wah guitar and bass mixed together.
Right, that's what confused me! (LAUGHTER)
It was Kinky Afro by the Happy Mondays.
That's not what it sounded like.
Here's how it should have sounded.
(START OF KINKY AFRO PLAYS)
Now I get it! (LAUGHTER)
What a tune.
That was Kinky Afro by the Happy Mondays.
Shaun was once quoted as saying,
"My advice to the kids today is that you may be 20 now,
but you'll wake up next week and you'll be fucking 52."
Shaun omitted to say that he'd spent the last 32 of those years
off his noggin on drugs. (LAUGHTER)
Next one, please. Song two.
OK, ready? Yeah.
♪ Mm-mmmm
♪ Do do-do-do-do
♪ Mm-mmmm # Do do do-do-do
♪ Beep, ooh, beep, bap, boop
♪ Beep boop-boop beep # Do do do do
♪ Bap boop beep beep # Do do do
♪ Beep-beep boop beep # Do do do
♪ Boop bap beep boop
♪ Beep beep boop # Do, do-do
♪ Beep, boop, beep, bap - You're Moving Too Fast.
(SCREAMS) Yes! You're right!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Shaun, please return to your seat. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It was Moving Too Fast by Artful Dodger.
Here's how it should have sounded.
(START OF MOVING TOO FAST PLAYS)
Yes, mate.
That sounded nothing like that, though!
I got it off you, when you was going...
♪ Nuh, nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh
That was late 90s garage trio Artful Dodger with Moving Too Fast.
Their track Rewind featured Craig David and included the line,
"Craig David all over your... (BOINK SOUND EFFECT)"
(LAUGHTER)
A song so overplayed at the time,
I began to wish that (BOINK SOUND EFFECT) meant "car windscreen".
When asked what the boink meant, Craig David reportedly said,
"It's just a sample, a lot of people think it was beeping over me
saying something rude, or that it was being used as a connotation
towards creaking bedsprings.
But you can make of it what you like."
Here's what I make of it, Craig.
Boring!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Time for a break. We'll see you in a bit.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Welcome back to Never Mind The Buzzcocks.
According to the composer John Erskine, music is the only language
in which you can't say a mean or sarcastic thing.
Oh, is that right, John?
"Oh, I'm John Erskine and I'm really good at quotes about music."
Oh, let's listen to John fucking Erskine's best song ever.
(PLAYS RANDOM KEYS) "I'm John Erskine..."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
The next round is called Kill Your Television,
which is the only Ned's Atomic Dustbin reference
you'll see on television this year. Noel's team, you're up first.
And your question is, and you'll be surprised to hear...
your question is about Bez.
You two have got to be quiet during this.
In 2018, Bez appeared on a daytime TV show, Bargain Hunt.
For those of you who don't know what Bargain Hunt is,
it involves buying antiques that are already overpriced
and selling them at an inevitable loss at auction.
But what I want to know from Noel's team,
is what was so special about Bez's appearance on the show?
Was it A -
(LAUGHTER) B -
(LAUGHTER) Or C, he...
(LAUGHTER)
Or C - he had to be...
(LAUGHTER)
Or C, he had to be spoken to by producers after...
(LAUGHTER)
He had to be spoken to by producers...
(LAUGHTER)
I'm so sorry. So sorry.
Was it C - he had to be spoken to by producers,
after repeatedly attempting to pull Tim Wonnacott's trousers down
during the auction? (LAUGHTER)
That's as good as it's going to get!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Any of those are plausible. Yes.
JAMALI: I would say B or C.
I mean, how would you rig an auction?
Did he try and buy his own thing that he auctioned,
to be a larger profit?
Bez asked to stand next to Tim Wonn...
Tim Wonn...
a trouserless Tim Wonnacott. (LAUGHTER)
Do you like Bargain Hunt, Daisy?
Oh, yeah, there's one of them that's really fucking fit on there.
(LAUGHTER) One of the experts?
Yeah. Mmm. Which one?
Well, I'd li... the one with the glasses,
but they've all got fucking glasses, haven't they?
(LAUGHTER)
- What do you think? - I just want to hear you try and say C again.
Yeah. I can do it now, look.
Can you? How much do you want to put on it?
(LAUGHTER) VARIOUS: Oooh!
I can get through it - without laughing at all? - Yeah.
A hundred of your sweet euros. (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but a hundred quid - is piss all to him. - I know.
Right, a grand. You'll bet me a grand?
I'll bet you a fucking grand. Yeah, a grand.
Let's fucking party. Let's go.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
NOEL: Don't think about the imagery as you're reading it.
(LAUGHTER)
If I didn't have to say Tim Wonnacott's name, I...
(LAUGHTER)
Right, come on then.
So was it A - he made a record profit
by unknowingly buying an original painting by... (LAUGHS)
No, this isn't... I know! OK, all right.
..original painting by Winston Churchill.
He was disqualified for attempting to rig the auction.
(LAUGHS) Oh! Yeah!
(LAUGHTER) No, I haven't started reading it.
Or he had to be spoken to... (LAUGHS) Oh, fucking hell!
Fucking yes! Right, I tell you what,
give me that grand and put it behind the bar at the Ibis.
You can have it. Pow pow pow.
What's the answer? We don't care!
We're just saying C, cos we want you to say, "You think that..."
(LAUGHS)
What do you think the answer is, guys?C.
C. So you think... What is C, remind me again?
(LAUGHTER) You think...
You think that the answer is C,
that Bez had to be spoken to by the producers
after repeatedly attempting
to pull Tim Wonnacott's trousers down during the auction.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And I can tell you that Bez was, in fact,
disqualified from pensioners' favourite Bargain Hunt
for rigging the auction.
A member of the crew noticed that Bez's girlfriend
was one of the bidders at the auction driving the prices up.
Here's a picture of them on the show.
Bez and writer from the Happy Mondays, Jarvis Cocker,
and Lyn and Graham from Cirencester.
Bez said, and I quote, "It was a genuine error.
My girlfriend thought she was helping out."
(LAUGHTER) She did.
Did you arrange - We had to give our £8...
We had made £8 profit and had to give it back.
(LAUGHS) Did they bollock you both?
Well, the producers are telling me
that I've absolutely ruined the show.
(GASPS) And they've never had so much publi...
I was on the 6 o'clock evening news with it, do you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah. Daisy's team, this one is for you.
And this time, we're going primetime with some drama.
Many musicians assume that because they can sing, they can also act.
Let's never forget Boy George on the A-Team, of course,
which we're not allowed to show for copyright reasons.
But I urge you to look it up. It's fucking hilarious!
Daisy's team, can you tell me which of the following pop stars
appeared in ITV's 1950s set drama Heartbeat?
Was it A - previously podgy pop prince, Gary Barlow?
B - mysterious Christian Cliff Richard?
(LAUGHTER) Is this a serious question?
Or C - rasping Welsh foghorn Bonnie Tyler?
(LAUGHTER)
What do you think? OK, so can you imagine -
BEZ: Definitely not Cliff Richard.
Why do you say definitely not Cliff Richard?
Well, it's not Christian enough for him.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, OK.
Are you a fan of Heartbeat, Shaun? Yeah.
You are? Yeah.
Fuck no, Heartbeat was the worst,
because when that music started playing on a Sunday night,
I'd think, fuck, I haven't done my homework.
(MAKES QUACKING SOUNDS) And I'm never going to get it done.
I wish I was at fucking school - in the 90s. - JAMALI: Why?
Why? Because I'd be about 30 years fucking younger.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Which one of the three was in Heartbeat?
I'd like to ask Bez what he thinks. Well, I'm going with Shaun,
because he spends more time watching telly than any other man I know.
If he doesn't know the right answer, - nobody does. - So the answer is?
It's, er, Gary. Was it?
Is it?! Do you know that for a fact? Yeah.
What, you watched the episode? I watched the episode,
I know all the drama behind it and everything else, yeah.
The answer is indeed A - Gary Barlow appeared in Heartbeat.
Micky Shannon, played by Barlow, turns up as a mysterious stranger
with the voice of an angel. (LAUGHTER)
By the end of the episode, he gets caught up in a roadside shootout
and is sent down for growing cannabis and stealing diamonds.
Not before he puts on a concert in the village pub.
I'm not making this up,
and to quote the person in production who had to watch the whole episode,
"It's even shitter than you think."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Let's, er...
Let's take a look at Gary Barlow in action.
The concert's off. CROWD: What?
No, it isn't.
Like I said, the concert's off.
It doesn't have to be, Gina.
- Go away, Micky. - I think I'm gonna be for about two years.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Right, one last song then.
(APPLAUSE)
SHAUN: That's fucking classic, man!
Genius.
Gary has said of his Heartbeat role,
that it was "just the worst thing I've ever done, it really was."
Was it Gary? (LAUGHTER)
Was it, Gary? # Do what you like...
(LAUGHTER) Was it, Gary?
♪..you're not as cute as me...
Gary! #..never be as cold as you...
(LAUGHTER) Gary!
(LAUGHTER) DESIREE: Oh my god!
Gary! (LAUGHTER)
Gary!
(APPLAUSE)
Wow!
At the end of that round, Noel's team have three points,
and Daisy's team are in the lead with four points.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Doing well here. It's nearly the end of the show.
It all comes down to the Quick Fire Round.
Next Lines. Noel's team, you're up first.
Oh, no! Your time starts now.
We're all going on a summer holiday. We're all going on a...
For a week or two. Fun and laughter - Cliff Richard, Summer Holiday.
Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping.
Out on the street, the traffic starts jumping, folks...
Is correct, it's Dolly Parton, Nine to Five.
One to the eyeball, one to the nose.
One to Wonnacott's trousers. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
No, I don't really care about your postcode. That's Not Me, Skepta.
My loneliness is killing me and I...
I must confess I still believe.
Correct, Britney Spears, Baby One More Time.
Ain't nobody dope as me.
I'm just so fresh so clean.
That'll do, Outcast, So Fresh So Clean. Well done.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Not bad. Not bad.
So fresh and so clean clean.
Well done, Noel's team, you've got four right. Not bad.
I think you'll find it wasn't us two.
(LAUGHTER)
You nailed it. You nailed that round.
All right, Daisy's team, here are your next lines.
You need four points to win. Your time starts now.
Jesus was a black man, no Jesus was a batman.
Er, well, that was Bruce Wayne.
Yeah, that'll do, Black Grape, Kelly's Heroes.
Hello, it's me. Is it, er...
Hello, it's me. Who you looking for?
Is it me... No, I was wondering if after all these years
you'd like to meet. Adele, Hello. Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Hey rainmaker, come away from that man.
Go on... Oh, it's going to take away your promised land.
Correct, Happy Mondays, Step On. Well done, Shaun.
Ah, freak out.
Le Chic, er, souk... (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
Freak out. Le Chic, yeah.
That'll do, yeah, Chic, Le Freak.
Yeah, you got that yummy yum, that yummy yum, that yummy yummy.
(LAUGHTER)
Yummy yum. Yeah, you got that yummy.
There's lots more yummy yummys, it's fucking Justin Bieber, Yummy.
Oh! (THEME MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE)
Oh my god, that sound means it's the end of the show,
and it's a draw with both teams on seven.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It feels right to me.
Huge thanks to Shaun, Daisy, Bez, Jamali, Noel and Desiree, goodnight.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
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