Sharona: YOU WANT TO WAIT HERE OR MEET ME INSIDE?
OH. UM...
UH, I'LL SAY, UH...
OR WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME WITH ME?
NO, UH...
DOWN THERE?
I'M NOT -- I'M NOT GOOD WITH GARAGES.
THEY'RE SO...
GARAGE-LIKE.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BANK?
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST USE ONE OF THOSE MACHINES?
'CAUSE I LOST MY ATM CARD.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LOST YOUR CHECKBOOK.
YES, AND I ALSO LOST MY ADDRESS BOOK.
[ Sighs ] ALL RIGHT, STAY HERE,
AND I'LL BE BACK IN FIVE MINUTES, OKAY?
[ SIGHS ]
SHARONA. [ GASPS ]
DOUGLAS IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
OH, MY GOD!
Sharona: AAH!
AAH!
WE NEED A PARAMEDIC! HE HAD MULTIPLE STAB WOUNDS.
THE PARKING GARAGE ON 10th AND VAN NESS.
HE'S BEEN STABBED?
YES, I THINK HE'S DEAD! AND HE SAID MY NAME.
HE'S RIGHT OVER HERE. [ Gasps ]
WHAT?!
I'M TELLING YOU, HE WAS RIGHT HERE!
* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE
* DISORDER AND CONFUSION EVERYWHERE *
* NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE
* WELL, I DO
* HEY, WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE
* POISON IN THE VERY AIR WE BREATHE *
* DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THE WATER THAT YOU DRINK? *
* WELL, I DO, AND IT'S AMAZING *
* PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY 'CAUSE I WORRY ALL THE TIME *
* IF YOU PAID ATTENTION, YOU'D BE WORRIED, TOO *
* YOU BETTER PAY ATTENTION, OR THIS WORLD WE LOVE SO MUCH *
* MIGHT JUST KILL YOU
* I COULD BE WRONG NOW
* BUT I DON'T THINK SO
* 'CAUSE IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE *
* IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE
ANYTHING?
CAPTAIN, I'M NOT A ROCKET SCIENTIST,
BUT I THINK I KNOW
WHETHER OR NOT THERE'S A BODY IN THE ROOM.
HEY, HERE YOU GO.
THANKS.
SO LISTEN, I GOT TO FILE A REPORT HERE.
YOU UNDERSTAND, RIGHT?
MM-HMM.
THIS MAN YOU SAW --
HE WAS, WHAT, MEDIUM BUILD, ABOUT 30 YEARS OLD?
MAYBE 35.
AND HE WAS WEARING BOOTS AND A COWBOY SHIRT.
AND HE, UH, HAD A KNIFE IN HIS CHEST.
YEAH, AND A SCREWDRIVER IN HIS EAR.
FLAT HEAD OR PHILLIPS HEAD?
SORRY.
AND THIS GUY -- HE CALLED YOU BY YOUR NAME.
YEP.
I MEAN, DID HE SAY ANYTHING ELSE?
"DOUGLAS IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU."
"DOUGLAS IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU." WHO'S DOUGLAS?
DOUGLAS WAS MY FATHER'S NAME.
WELL, WHERE'S HE NOW?
HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 20 YEARS.
THE LUMINOL TESTS ARE NEGATIVE.
THERE IS NO SIGN OF BLOOD.
WELL, MAYBE WHOEVER KILLED THE GUY
CLEANED UP.
WHAT, IN TWO MINUTES, AND GOT RID OF A BODY?
EVEN YOU COULDN'T DO THAT.
LOOK AT THE WINDSHIELD.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT IT?
THERE WERE FOUR DEAD BUGS ON THAT WINDSHIELD
IN THE SHAPE OF A TRAPEZOID.
A TRAPEZOID.
YEAH. THEY'VE BEEN THERE ALL DAY.
SOMEBODY WIPED IT OFF.
WELL, MAYBE SHE WIPED IT OFF.
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
YOU TELL ME.
LOOK, MONK, YOU'RE THE BEST ON-SITE DETECTIVE I KNOW.
DO YOU SEE ANYTHING HERE -- ANYTHING AT ALL --
BESIDES THE MISSING TRAPEZOID BUGS --
TO CORROBORATE HER STORY?
I'M NOT AT MY BEST IN PARKING GARAGES.
OH. TRUDY.
I'M SORRY.
WHEW.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.
SHARONA HAS BEEN UNDER A LOT OF STRESS.
SHE'S BEEN LOSING THINGS.
SHE'S BEEN FORGETTING APPOINTMENTS.
MAYBE SHE NEEDS SOME TIME OFF.
FROM WHAT?
FROM YOU.
MONK, THAT LADY'S GOT
THE MOST STRESSFUL JOB IN NORTH AMERICA.
I KNOW GUYS ON THE BOMB SQUAD,
TOUGH AS NAILS, NERVES OF STEEL,
THAT COULDN'T WORK FOR YOU.
THEY'D HAVE CRACKED FOUR YEARS AGO.
I'D SAY GIVE HER A BREAK.
A WEEK OFF WITH PAY. SEND HER HOME.
THERE -- CASE CLOSED.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED DOMINOS BEFORE.
ME NEITHER.
THAT'S THE LAST ONE.
WE DID IT.
HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. GOOD JOB.
NOW THE BEST PART.
I KNOW. I KNOW. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS.
OKAY, ON YOUR MARK...
GET SET...
GO.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PUTTING THEM AWAY. HEY, WATCH THIS.
TWO AT A TIME.
NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOCK THEM DOWN.
WHAT?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOCK THEM OVER.
NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
BENJY, BENJY, BENJAMIN.
NO, NO, SEE, IF --
IF YOU KNOCK THAT ONE OVER,
THEN THEY'RE ALL GOING TO GO.
AND THEN -- THEN YOU HAVE A GIANT MESS.
THANK GOD I WAS HERE.
LET'S PUT THEM AWAY. THIS IS FUN.
BUT, YOU KNOW --
HEY, HEY.
LET'S PUT THEM AWAY IN ORDER.
HERE. HERE'S A 2-DOTTER.
FINE.
LOOKING FOR ALL THE 2-DOTTERS.
HEY, BENJY, LISTEN, I'M GOING TO BE BACK IN TWO HOURS,
AND THERE'S NO TV UNTIL YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, NOW MY --
MY WALLET...
KEYS...
THE WINDOW.
ADRIAN, CAN YOU GET THIS WINDOW FOR ME?
BECAUSE I'M -- I'M RUNNING LATE.
SURE.
HOW'S YOUR CLASS GOING?
GREAT. I USED TO WRITE ALL THE TIME IN HIGH SCHOOL,
BUT I-I THINK IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
THAT I HAVE A CREATIVE OUTLET, YOU KNOW?
SOMETHING TO EXPRESS MYSELF.
UH-HUH.
SO, UH, WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK TO WORK?
UM...
TOMORROW.
TOMORROW. REALLY?
YEAH.
ADRIAN, I REALLY APPRECIATE THE TIME OFF.
AND, UH, LISTEN...
I KNOW YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT ME,
BUT IT WAS SO REAL.
HIS FACE, THE BLOOD...
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.
ALL RIGHT.
BENJY, BE GOOD.
LISTEN TO HIM, OKAY?
OKAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE ACTUALLY LIKES GOING TO SCHOOL.
UH-HUH.
SHE STAYS UP ALL NIGHT WRITING HER STORIES.
WHAT KIND OF STORIES?
I DON'T KNOW. SHE DOESN'T LET ME READ THEM.
I SAW THE NAME OF ONE, THOUGH.
"THE FATAL RECIPE."
YEAH.
I THINK IT'S A MYSTERY.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
BENJY, STOP -- STOP IT. STOP IT.
Benjy: OH.
WHAT HAVE WE DONE?
"GANDOROH WATCHED THE PILGRIMS OF ZENLAHF
"ENTER THE VALLEY BELOW.
"HE SALUTED THEM WITH HIS ROBOTIC RIGHT ARM.
"IN HIS LEFT ARM HE HELD THE CLOAK OF INVISIBILITY,
"WHILE HE SLIPPED HIS MIDDLE ARM BEHIND HIS BACK
TO PULL THE FINAL ARROW FROM HIS QUIVER."
THE END.
THANK YOU, BILLY. THAT WAS VERY VIVID.
ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS?
YEAH, I GOT A QUESTION. WHO DO I SEE
ABOUT GETTING THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF MY LIFE BACK?
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, VARLA,
FANTASY FICTION IS VERY HOT RIGHT NOW, OKAY?
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I DO ALL DAY? I'M A NURSE.
I KNOW SICK WHEN I SEE IT,
AND THIS IS ONE SAD, SICK, GEEKY PUPPY.
VARLA, PLEASE, NO NEGATIVES.
WE ARE HERE TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER
AND RESPECT EACH OTHER.
OKAY.
HERE ARE YOUR PAPERS FROM LAST WEEK.
EDDIE, VERY GOOD.
RITA, LOVE THE METAPHOR.
GEORGE, NOT BAD.
VARLA...
A B-MINUS?
OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
OKAY, UM, CONTINUE TO WORK ON YOUR PAPERS.
REMEMBER TO WRITE YOUR FIRST DRAFT BY HAND.
JUST LET IT FLOW.
I WILL SEE YOU ALL WEDNESDAY.
UM, MS. PREMINGER? YES?
I DIDN'T GET MY PAPER.
SHARONA, YOU DIDN'T TURN ONE IN.
WHAT?
YEAH, I DID. I-I GAVE IT TO YOU ON WEDNESDAY.
I WAS GOING TO MENTION THAT, ACTUALLY,
BUT I JUST ASSUMED YOU DIDN'T FINISH
AND YOU'D TURN IT IN LATER.
NO. NO, NO, NO.
I-I HANDED IT IN. I -- YOU WERE LOOKING AT IT.
DID YOU CHECK YOUR CAR?
MAYBE IT FELL BETWEEN THE SEATS?
NO. I --
SHARONA, ARE YOU OKAY?
[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
OH, MY GOD!
YOU KNOW, IT'S A CONFUSING TIME,
NOT JUST FOR YOU, BUT FOR EVERYONE.
IT'S HARD TO FEEL CENTERED.
THESE DAYS, IT'S HARD TO EVEN KNOW WHERE THE CENTER IS.
WHAT ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?
WELL, I FEEL WEIRD BEING HERE...
LIKE I'M TRESPASSING.
HA HA HA.
HA HA.
I BET THOSE PILLOWS MUST DRIVE HIM CRAZY, HUH?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO SAY.
WELL, I SEE MY WINDOW IS CLEANER THAN YOUR WINDOW.
THAT'S GOT TO BE HIM.
HA HA. SOMETIMES I WISH THAT WE COULD SWITCH SEATS
SO I COULD GET THIS WINDOW A LITTLE --
YOU -- YOU SAID THAT, UM,
YOU-- YOU'VE BEEN, WHAT, LOSING THINGS, RIGHT?
HA HA.
BESIDES MY SANITY?
HA HA.
LOOK...
I THOUGHT I HANDED IN A PAPER AT SCHOOL,
AND IT TURNED OUT I DIDN'T.
THAT HAPPENS.
OKAY, WELL, LAST WEEK,
I FOUND THE REMOTE CONTROL IN THE FREEZER.
FOUR DAYS AGO, MY CAR KEYS WERE IN THE BASEMENT,
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN DOWN THERE IN MONTHS.
ARE YOU NEXT?
I'M JUST WAITING FOR A FRIEND.
I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE ON TUESDAY BEFORE.
I'M HERE ON MONDAYS.
AND FRIDAYS.
AND EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE NEW WHITE NOISE MACHINE?
I DON'T LIKE IT. IT'S A HALF-DECIBEL LOUDER.
EXACTLY. YEAH.
UH...
HA HA. MNH-MNH.
MNH-MNH.
[ QUIETLY WHOOSHING ]
HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN -- WHEN YOU LOSE SOMETHING?
SCARED.
BUT I CAN'T SHOW IT BECAUSE OF BENJY.
OKAY, WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
THAT I'M FALLING APART...
LIKE MY FATHER.
TELL ME ABOUT THAT.
MY FATHER WAS A VERY ACTIVE MAN.
'CAUSE HE OWNED A HARDWARE STORE BACK IN JERSEY,
AND, UM, ONE MORNING,
HE NEVER CAME DOWNSTAIRS.
HE WOULDN'T GET OUT OF BED.
HE SAID HE COULDN'T. HE SAID HE WAS TOO TIRED.
AND HE NEVER GOT OUT OF BED...
AND MY MOTHER HAD TO SELL THE STORE.
I'M SORRY.
EVERYBODY WAS SORRY.
AND THEN HE ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL.
EVERYBODY CALLED IT A REST HOME,
BUT I KNEW WHAT THAT REALLY WAS.
HA HA.
SO...
YOU KNOW WHAT? ALL -- ALL I CAN REMEMBER
WAS THAT -- THAT HIS ROOM WAS THIS UGLY BLUE COLOR,
AND THAT IT SMELLED LIKE FISH,
AND THAT'S WHERE HE DIED -- IN THAT ROOM.
I WAS 12 AT THE TIME, AND...
OH, THAT'S HOW OLD BENJY IS.
[ SNIFFLES ]
I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HAVE A BREAKDOWN,
I AM NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE HIM.
YOUR FATHER?
ADRIAN.
SHARONA, YOU'RE -- YOU'RE NOT --
YOU'RE NOT SAYING THAT ADRIAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.
YOU'RE A NURSE. YOU KNOW HE'S NOT CONTAGIOUS.
LOOK...
I AM WITH HIM ALL DAY, AND ALL I KNOW IS
IS THAT I WAS FINE BEFORE I MET HIM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST MAKING THEM EVEN.
TWO...
AND TWO.
THAT'S THE WAY DR. KROGER LIKES IT.
DID HE TELL YOU THAT?
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
NO, DR. KROGER AND I HAVE A SYSTEM.
WE -- WE ARRANGE THEM BY TITLES.
I DON'T THINK SO.
SO THIS IS WHY I HAVE TO FIX IT EVERY TIME I COME IN.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY THE SAME THING.
RIGHT UP HERE.
STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD NOW.
YOU ARE BEING RIDICULOUS. YOU ARE SPIRALING --
NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE SERIOUS CONTROL ISSUES,
YOU'RE A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR...
WELL, YOU ARE A FOOL.
BECAUSE I KNOW -- I HAVE KNOWN DR. KROGER
FOR A MUCH LONGER TIME THAN YOU --
DON'T DROP IT ON THE FLOOR!
WELL, NOW --
NOW WE HAVE TO THROW IT OUT.
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS. THIS GOES UP HERE.
YOU'RE VERY SELFISH. HAROLD -- HAROLD --
DR. KROGER, HE KEEPS MESSING UP OUR SYSTEM.
HAROLD -- ADRIAN --
IT HAS TO BE EVEN. WE ALWAYS MAKE THEM EVEN.
YOU NEED HELP, BUDDY. ADRIAN, HAROLD,
WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR OWN HOMES, YOU CAN ARRANGE EVERYTHING
JUST THE WAY YOU'D LIKE.
THIS HAPPENS TO BE MY OFFICE.
IF THINGS ARE A LITTLE MESSY, I LIKE IT THAT WAY.
I HOPE YOU'LL BOTH RESPECT THAT.
HAROLD, WOULD YOU LIKE TO STEP IN?
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.
YES, WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THE OFFICE NOW?
ADRIAN, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT FROM HERE. THANK YOU.
HAROLD, GO IN THE OFFICE. I'LL BE THERE IN A SECOND.
THANK YOU, HAROLD. I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL, HAROLD.
ADRIAN.
SHARONA, THAT WAS A VERY GOOD START.
I'LL SEE YOU ON THURSDAY. HAROLD!
THANK YOU. ADRIAN.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR. THANK YOU.
HOW WAS IT IN THERE?
[ Sighs ] I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
I'M GOING TO GO WASH UP.
YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
OH, MY GOD.
[ GASPS ]
DADDY NEEDS YOU.
OH, MY GOD!
ADRIAN, I --
HE -- HE WAS RIGHT THERE.
LOOK...
CHECK THE STALL. I-I'D RATHER NOT CHECK THE STALL.
CHECK THE STALL! ALL RIGHT.
I'LL CHECK THE STALL.
OH, GOD.
I REMEMBER WHEN BATHROOM WALLS
WERE FOR PHONE NUMBERS AND DIRTY LIMERICKS.
AND FUNNY DRAWINGS OF YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER.
WHAT DRAWINGS?
MM.
LIKE THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THE EYEBROWS WERE A LITTLE BIT THICKER.
MM, LIKE THAT.
MAYBE. I-I DON'T KNOW.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I WANT TO BELIEVE HER.
WELL, I WANT TO BELIEVE HER, TOO,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED YOU.
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'M TOO CLOSE TO IT,
LIKE I AM WITH THE TRUDY CASE.
THERE IS ZERO PHYSICAL EVIDENCE.
THERE WAS THE HOOK IN THE CEILING.
WE CHECKED IT, MONK. IT WAS ALWAYS THERE.
THERE IT IS.
RIGHT THERE.
THIS?
OH, THAT'S A PERFECT MATCH.
WHAT'S THAT WHITE STUFF?
PLASTER...
FROM THE WALLS.
WELL, NOW WE KNOW WHAT "HELP ME" MEANS.
SHARONA...
ADRIAN...
I CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOU ANYMORE.
WHAT?
LOOK, I HAVE TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF, OKAY?
NOW, I JUST CALLED A REALLY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE
WHO'S A REGISTERED NURSE,
AND SHE'S GOING TO FILL IN FOR ME.
WHAT'S SHE LIKE?
[ BUZZER ]
ARE YOU ADAM?
UH, NO.
WAIT. HOLD ON. ANTHONY.
ADRIAN.
NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
SHOOT, I CAN'T READ MY OWN HANDWRITING.
IT'S ADRIAN.
I'M PRETTY SURE.
HOLD ON.
A-ADRIAN.
YOU WERE RIGHT.
I'M VARLA, SHARONA'S FRIEND FROM HER WRITING CLASS.
SHE TOLD YOU I WAS COMING, RIGHT?
WELL, UM...
UH...
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
MY EYES ARE UP HERE.
I, UH, NO. UH, NO, I WASN'T --
WHAT'S A MONK DOING LOOKING AT MY BREASTS?
I'M NOT A MONK. MY NAME IS MONK.
MM-HMM. MY BOYFRIEND TEACHES KICKBOXING.
YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MESSING WITH ME.
UH, ARE YOU A NURSE OR...
I'M NOT JUST A NURSE.
HONEY, I'M YOUR NURSE.
AND I GOT TO PEE. HOLD MY NOTE.
GOT TO GO MAKE MY BLADDER GLADDER.
NOT -- NOT -- NO. NO, PLEASE, DON'T --
THAT'S NOT REALLY A PUBLIC...RESTROOM.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I HAVE A KNIFE!
HEY.
YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN EX-HUSBAND?
TREVOR.
YOU SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH.
HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?
YOU STILL HIDE YOUR SPARE KEYS ABOVE THE DOOR.
WELL, YOU JUST CAN'T COME WALKING INTO MY HOUSE
LIKE THIS, OKAY?
I'M WAITING FOR BENJY.
HE CALLED ME.
BENJY CALLED YOU?
HE SAID HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
WELL, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO JERSEY.
WE'RE FINE.
ARE YOU?
WHOO.
I'M GOING TO NEED A LIST OF YOUR MEDS
AND THE PROPER DOSAGES.
I DON'T TAKE ANY MEDICATION.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE, THEN?
I HAVE -- I JUST NEED A LITTLE HELP.
DOING WHAT?
EVERYTHING.
I'M HUNGRY.
WHAT'S IN HERE --
SHOES?
UH, NO, THAT'S MY FOOD.
I KEEP IT ALL IN AIRTIGHT CONTAINERS.
IT'S IN A CERTAIN ORDER. IT'S COLOR-CODED.
THERE'S A CHART ON THE INSIDE OF THE DOOR HERE.
WHAT'S IN THIS ONE?
TURKEY?
THAT'S FOR YOU.
FOR ME? YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS COMING.
I KNOW, BUT IT'S YOURS NOW.
NO MEDS, HUH?
SHARONA WANTED ME TO --
TO GIVE YOU THIS.
WHAT'S THIS?
ADRIAN MONK, CARE AND FEEDING.
SPECIAL DIET, SCHED-- PHOBIAS.
HEIGHTS, GERMS, SNAKES, CROWDS, MILK --
YOU'RE AFRAID OF MILK?
HOW OLD ARE YOU, MAN?
I GOT A 2-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW WHO'S NOT AFRAID OF MILK.
YOU MUST BE VERY PROUD OF HIM.
FOR WHAT, NOT BEING AFRAID OF MILK?
THAT JUST MEANS HE'S NORMAL.
YOU DON'T NEED THIS.
SHARONA'S A GOOD NURSE,
BUT SHE'S BEEN TREATING YOU LIKE A BABY.
THE PARTY IS OVER, ADRIAN MONK,
'CAUSE I'M GOING TO TREAT YOU LIKE A MAN.
DON'T DO THAT.
MM-HMM.
AND SINCE WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOR TWO WEEKS,
THERE'S A FEW THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW, ALL RIGHT?
NO, NO, NO.
I GET A HOUR FOR LUNCH BY MYSELF
WITH A TV.
OKAY, BY 5:30, I AM WHAT? IN MY CAR DRIVING AWAY
WAVING GOODBYE.
I GET WEEKENDS OFF.
DON'T CALL ME AT HOME UNLESS IT'S AN EMERGENCY,
WHICH IT WON'T BE,
SO DON'T EVER CALL ME.
OKAY. YEAH.
THERE YOU GO AGAIN, LOOKING AT MY CHEST.
NO, NO, YOU GOT --
TOUCH ME AGAIN,
AND I'M GOING TO SMACK YOU SO HARD,
EVEN YOUR CHILDREN WILL FEEL IT.
NOW, WHERE YOU KEEP THE CHIPS?
I DON'T -- I DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN.
UM, TRUDY AND I TALKED ABOUT IT, BUT, UH...
OH, SHOOT, THERE'S A CRUMB.
SO HOW'S SHARONA, ANYWAY?
I-I DON'T KNOW. UH...
I WAS JUST GOING TO CALL HER, THOUGH.
MM, I AM WORRIED ABOUT THAT GIRL.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY FALL APART THAT FAST.
REALLY?
I USED TO WORK IN THE PSYCHO WARD.
NOBODY STARTS HALLUCINATING OVERNIGHT,
UNLESS THEY'VE BEEN CHEWING ON MUSHROOMS.
BUT WITH SHARONA, THERE WERE NO WARNING SIGNS AT ALL.
IT JUST DON'T MAKE SENSE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I KNOW I'M RIGHT.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME I'M RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WANT TO CHECK SOMETHING OUT.
THAT'S WHAT I DO. YOU COME WITH ME.
WHAT?
IT'S PART OF THE JOB.
I'M A DETECTIVE, AND YOU ARE MY HELPER.
I'M YOUR WHAT?
MS. PREMINGER?
OH, SHARONA.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU IN PERSON.
ARE YOU REALLY DROPPING MY CLASS?
YEAH. I'M SORRY.
W-WAS IT SOMETHING I DID OR SAID?
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU-- YOU'VE BEEN GREAT. I --
I JUST HAVE SOME PERSONAL ISSUES.
SHARONA, PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE.
YOU HAVE SUCH A UNIQUE VOICE,
AND I DON'T SAY THAT TO EVERYBODY.
THAT ESSAY YOU WROTE ABOUT YOUR FATHER --
I CRIED WHEN I READ THAT.
THANKS.
WELL, IF YOU GO TO THE REGISTRAR'S OFFICE,
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE
TO GET A PARTIAL REFUND ON YOUR TUITION.
SHARONA?
SHARONA, ARE YOU OKAY?
[ Whispers ] THERE'S SOMEBODY OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.
WHERE?
UH...
YOU KNOW, I'M --
I'M JUST REALLY TIRED.
MS., UM...
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF BENJY
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
SINCE WHEN?
SINCE NOW.
HEY, DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK.
YOU DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT CUSTODY.
THIS IS ABOUT WHAT'S DOING BEST FOR BENJY RIGHT NOW,
AND WHEN I'M FEELING MORE UP TO IT,
HE'S GOING TO COME BACK WITH ME.
RIGHT?
SHE PARKS THE CAR HERE.
SHE GETS OUT -- COME ON.
YOU BE HER.
SCREWDRIVER MAN APPEARS.
HE WALKS TOWARD HER.
UGH.
OH.
WHAT IS IT?
IS THAT A CLUE?
IT'S A SILVER TIP FROM A COWBOY BOOT.
SHARONA SAID HE WAS WEARING COWBOY BOOTS.
OOH, MAYBE IT WAS GARTH BROOKS.
THERE. I SOLVED THE CASE.
WHAT?
AM I RIGHT ABOUT GARTH BROOKS?
SHE WASN'T HALLUCINATING.
HE WAS HERE.
WIPE.
WIPE WHAT?
WHEN I SAY "WIPE,"
YOU GIVE ME A HAND WIPE. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
THAT'S HOW WHAT WORKS?
IT.
YOU BETTER GET OVER IT REAL FAST.
IS THIS HOMEMADE?
DON'T YOU HAVE A CLASS?
I'M TAKING THE NIGHT OFF.
THAT'S A FIRST.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
YOU'D HAVE TO BE PAYING ATTENTION
TO KNOW SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
MEREDITH...
LET'S DON'T START.
ARE YOU SICK?
NO.
BUT YOU ARE.
IN FACT...
I'LL BE CALLING THE PARAMEDICS
IN ABOUT 2 1/2 TO 3 MINUTES.
[ COUGHS ]
WHAT FOR?
MAXWELL...
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK.
[ PANTING ]
RIGHT ON TIME...
AS ALWAYS.
OH, HE'S DEAD.
HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR A LONG TIME. HE JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT.
IS THE WINE OKAY?
OH, NO, YEAH. THE WINE'S FINE.
IT WAS JUST IN THE SOUP.
TO OUR PARTNER SHARONA FLEMING.
WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT HER.
SHARONA!
GREAT NEWS!
HEY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT.
WHAT -- WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
NOTHING. IT FELL. WHAT IS IT?
AW, LET ME HELP YOU.
W-WHAT IS IT?
ONE SECOND.
HEY, COCONUT,
YOU WERE TALKING TO THE LADY. FINISH WHAT YOU WERE SAYING.
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.
WHAT?
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.
YOU MIGHT WANT A SECOND OPINION.
THIS MAN'S NOT EXACTLY AN EXPERT ON NOT CRAZY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE THINKS HE'S KOJAK?
A FRIEND HAS AN OBLIGATION TO TELL ANOTHER FRIEND
WHEN SOMEBODY THINKS HE'S KOJAK.
I'M SORRY.
WHAT IS ALL THIS PAPER?
IT'S SCRAP PAPER. I USE IT FOR PACKING.
WELL, IT'S ALL CRUMPLED NOW.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE CRUMPLED.
HE'S NOT ON MEDS?
HONEY, HE WAS MADE FOR MEDS.
HEY, LET ME DO THIS. YOU TALK TO HER.
I WENT BACK TO THE GARAGE.
I FOUND A BOOT TIP.
KOJAK AND I WERE VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT BOOT TIP.
THERE IS A SHOE REPAIR SHOP ON LARK AVENUE
THAT REPLACED A TIP ON A COWBOY BOOT LAST MONDAY.
THE CUSTOMER'S NAME WAS DENNY GRAF.
DOES IT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
NO.
WELL, HE'S A SECURITY GUARD AT THE COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
MY COLLEGE?
THAT MYSTERY STORY THAT YOU WROTE,
"THE FATAL RECIPE" -- WHAT WAS THE PLOT?
WELL, IT'S ABOUT A WOMAN WHO KILLS HER HUSBAND
AND MAKES IT LOOK LIKE A HEART ATTACK.
MRS. PREMINGER CANCELED HER CLASS LAST NIGHT...
BECAUSE HER HUSBAND MAX DIED OF A HEART ATTACK.
RIGHT AFTER HE ATE SOME TOMATO SOUP.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S MY STORY.
IT-- IT'S BASED ON A REAL CASE WHEN I WAS AN INTERN.
THE TECKOLIC ACID IN THE TOMATO SOUP
ACTIVATES THE POISON. IT'S VIRTUALLY UNTRACEABLE.
THEY STOLE MY STORY! THAT'S PLAGIARISM!
YEAH, WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S MURDER.
DID YOU KEEP A COPY OF THE STORY?
WHOA, MOM. ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M GREAT,
AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO JERSEY.
TREVOR, IF YOU WANT TO HANG OUT HERE, THAT'S FINE,
BUT, UH, BENJY'S STAYING WITH ME. HE'S NOT LEAVING.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
ARE YOU OKAY? YEAH.
THIS IS VARLA DAVIS. SHE'S MY NEW...SOMETHING.
HOW Y'ALL DOING. ARE Y'ALL PRETEND POLICE OFFICERS, TOO?
NO, MA'AM. WE ARE REAL POLICEMEN.
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?
I'M NOT CRAZY. IT'S TRUE.
UH-HUH.
A WOMAN NAMED MEREDITH PREMINGER LIVES RIGHT THERE.
UH-HUH.
SHE'S SHARONA AND VARLA'S CREATIVE WRITING TEACHER,
AND LAST NIGHT, SHE KILLED HER HUSBAND.
UH-HUH. AND IT WAS SHARONA'S IDEA.
NO, IT WASN'T.
WELL, IN A WAY, I --
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
A MONTH AGO, SHARONA WROTE A MURDER MYSTERY
ABOUT A WOMAN WHO KILLS HER HUSBAND
USING A VIRTUALLY UNTRACEABLE POISON.
THE STORY WAS A BLUEPRINT FOR A PERFECT MURDER,
EXACTLY WHAT MEREDITH AND HER LOVER WERE LOOKING FOR.
BUT THEY HAD A PROBLEM.
IF THEY STOLE HER IDEA,
AFTER HE DIED, SHARONA MIGHT BECOME SUSPICIOUS.
SOMEHOW THEY HAD TO DISCREDIT HER
IN ADVANCE BEFORE THE MURDER.
Stottlemeyer: SO NOBODY WOULD BELIEVE HER.
EXACTLY. SO SHARONA STARTED SEEING THINGS.
Disher: LIKE DEAD PEOPLE. AND LOSING THINGS.
Sharona: YEAH, THEY MUST HAVE STOLEN THE KEYS FROM MY PURSE
AND MADE COPIES OF THEM,
AND THAT'S HOW THEY GOT INTO MY HOUSE
AND MOVED EVERYTHING AROUND.
LOOK, AT 5:30, I AM OFF THE CLOCK.
I DON'T CARE IF Y'ALL ARE STILL LOOKING FOR WALDO.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
SO THAT'S THE NEW NURSE. HOW'S THAT GOING?
OH, I LOVE HER. COULDN'T BE BETTER.
[ Whispers ] HELP ME.
MS. PREMINGER?
THAT'S RIGHT.
EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY.
I KNOW THIS IS A BAD TIME. I'M CAPTAIN STOTTLEMEYER.
THIS IS ADRIAN MONK, LIEUTENANT DISHER,
AND I BELIEVE YOU KNOW VARLA DAVIS AND SHARONA FLEMING.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WELL, MA'AM, THERE HAVE BEEN
SOME QUESTIONS RAISED ABOUT THE DEATH OF YOUR HUSBAND.
BY HER?
CAPTAIN, SHE'S DELUSIONAL. YOU CAN ASK ANYONE.
MEREDITH, IS THERE A PROBLEM?
GOD, THAT'S -- THAT'S HIM.
THEY WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT MAX'S DEATH.
IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
MAYBE AFTER THE SERVICES ON SATURDAY.
YOU MEAN AFTER THE BODY'S BEEN CREMATED.
YOU POISONED HIM, AND YOU GOT THE IDEA
FROM THAT STORY I WROTE.
DID I?
YES.
CAN YOU PROVE IT?
YES, I CAN. IT'S RIGHT HERE.
THIS IS MY SECOND DRAFT.
"THE FATAL RECIPE."
THAT'S A GOOD TITLE.
"HELP ME, HELP ME, SOMEBODY HELP ME.
"HELP ME, PLEASE.
HELP ME NOW."
SHOOT. YOU KNOW THIS IS GOING TO AFFECT OUR GRADE.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
THEY -- THEY MUST HAVE TAKEN THE REAL PAPERS
WHEN -- WHEN THEY WERE IN MY HOUSE. THEY --
IT'S MY FAULT. I SHOULD HAVE READ IT FIRST.
WELL, IT COULDN'T HAVE HURT.
SHARONA, HAS ANYBODY ELSE READ YOUR STORY?
NO, SHE TOLD ME NOT TO SHOW IT TO ANYONE.
WOULD THE POISON SHOW UP IN AN AUTOPSY?
PROBABLY, BUT NO JUDGE IS GOING TO ORDER ONE
WITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE.
LISTEN, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING. THERE --
OH, WHOA, WHOA, I KNOW WHERE THERE'S A COPY --
A COPY OF YOUR STORY IN YOUR OWN HANDWRITING.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
OH, IT'S POSSIBLE,
AND I'LL SHOW IT TO YOU ON THREE CONDITIONS.
NUMBER ONE -- I'M NOT WAITING TWO WEEKS.
YOU TAKING HIM BACK TODAY. RIGHT NOW.
THE PARTY IS OVER.
WHAT ARE THE OTHER TWO CONDITIONS?
FORGET THE OTHER CONDITIONS. I WANT YOU TO STAY WITH HER,
'CAUSE Y'ALL ARE A PERFECT TEAM --
SHARONA, MONK, AND NOT ME.
DEAL. WHERE'S THE STORY?
MRS. PREMINGER ALWAYS TOLD US
TO WRITE OUR FIRST DRAFT BY HAND,
SOMETHING ABOUT FEELING THE WORDS.
RIGHT, BUT I THREW IT OUT.
SHE TOLD US TO THROW AWAY OUR FIRST DRAFTS.
YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T.
YOU USED IT AS SCRAP PAPER AND PACKING MATERIAL.
"KENNY SMILED ICILY.
"'DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE POLICE,' HE SAID.
'THE TECKOLIC ACID IN THE SOUP IS 100% UNTRACEABLE.'"
HA HA! JUST CALL ME MRS. KOJAK.
WELL, WHERE WERE YOU?
I -- SHE MAKES ME VERY NERVOUS.
HA HA. WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER TALK
WITH THE GRIEVING WIDOW.
YES, YOU DO THAT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. HOLD ON, DISHWATER.
I NEED YOU TO TAKE ME HOME, BABY. IT'S 5:30.
I NEED TO GO WITH THE CAPTAIN.
NO, YOU NEED TO TAKE ME HOME.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE STANDING AROUND HERE
WATCHING Y'ALL READ NOBODY THEIR RIGHTS, NOW.
I'M READY TO GO.
I SAID I SAY 5:30, I GET OFF AT 5:30.
GET IN THE CAR.
COME ON.
GET IN THE CAR. LET'S GO.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
MY EYES ARE UP HERE!
THAT'S THE D.A. WITH A SEARCH WARRANT.
THERE'LL BE AN AUTOPSY TOMORROW.
LET'S GO HOME.
GOOD IDEA.
WHAT?
I MISSED YOU.
I MISSED YOU, TOO.
GET IN THE CAR.
AND, UH...
CAN I BE THE ONE WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS AGAIN?
SURE.
GET IN THE CAR.
HA HA. WHAT A RELIEF.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU MISS IT.
WE COULD TAKE TURNS.
I CAN GO OFF THE RAILS MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY,
YOU CAN HAVE THE WEEKENDS.
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT WOULD BE PERFECT,
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WOULD BE ON MY OWN
FOR THOSE TWO DAYS,
YOU COULDN'T STICK ME WITH VARLA AGAIN,
BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS TAKES THE WEEKENDS OFF.
OF COURSE, THEN YOU WOULD HAVE TO PREPARE
MY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY MEALS IN ADVANCE.