1 00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:03,370 [touch tones beeping] 2 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:04,071 [line trills] 3 00:00:05,498 --> 00:00:07,033 [phones ringing] 4 00:00:07,099 --> 00:00:10,436 [upbeat music] 5 00:00:10,503 --> 00:00:12,004 [children singing] Come one, come all 6 00:00:12,071 --> 00:00:13,773 'Cause we're having a ball 7 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:17,610 We're just making some calls to strangers 8 00:00:17,677 --> 00:00:19,111 We're back on the cell 9 00:00:19,178 --> 00:00:20,947 And the world's gone to hell 10 00:00:21,013 --> 00:00:22,748 But you're gonna feel swell 11 00:00:22,815 --> 00:00:25,451 When they pick up 12 00:00:25,518 --> 00:00:28,721 From New York to Alabammer 13 00:00:28,788 --> 00:00:31,657 They'll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer 14 00:00:31,724 --> 00:00:33,459 'Cause we're disturbing others 15 00:00:33,526 --> 00:00:35,294 Maybe even your mother 16 00:00:35,361 --> 00:00:37,830 Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight? 17 00:00:37,897 --> 00:00:38,598 - "Crank Yankers." 18 00:00:41,391 --> 00:00:44,127 - [laughs] [line trilling] 19 00:00:48,665 --> 00:00:51,701 - Thanks for calling [bleep]. How may I help you? 20 00:00:51,768 --> 00:00:53,937 - My name is Marie. How are you doing today? 21 00:00:54,003 --> 00:00:55,939 - I'm good. Thanks. How are you? 22 00:00:56,005 --> 00:00:57,240 - Oh, just great. Thanks. 23 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,375 So I wanted to run something by you. 24 00:00:59,442 --> 00:01:01,411 I think your store is really, really interesting. 25 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:03,146 And I wanted to know if you'd be willing 26 00:01:03,213 --> 00:01:06,683 to come to my Sunday school and do, like, a presentation. 27 00:01:06,749 --> 00:01:09,486 - Your Sunday school and do a presentation? 28 00:01:09,552 --> 00:01:14,924 - Yeah, because I was looking at the kind of books 29 00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:16,459 and periodicals that you sell. 30 00:01:16,526 --> 00:01:19,028 And I think it's really interesting that this would be 31 00:01:19,095 --> 00:01:21,865 a great time for you guys to make a pivot 32 00:01:21,931 --> 00:01:23,299 to selling and promoting books 33 00:01:23,366 --> 00:01:25,869 that have a positive message about the Lord. 34 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,105 - I'm sorry. 35 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,708 You just went from us carrying different books 36 00:01:31,774 --> 00:01:34,777 than what we carry to making a presentation 37 00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,913 to your Sunday school. 38 00:01:36,980 --> 00:01:38,448 - Yes. 39 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,416 - What do you--what is it that you're calling about? 40 00:01:40,483 --> 00:01:42,719 I'm--I'm confused. You just went from one subject 41 00:01:42,785 --> 00:01:46,055 to the other and kind of lost me in the dust. 42 00:01:46,122 --> 00:01:50,393 - Oh, well, I was just noticing that some of the things 43 00:01:50,460 --> 00:01:51,661 that you sell at the store 44 00:01:51,728 --> 00:01:53,329 do not seem particularly godlike, 45 00:01:53,396 --> 00:01:55,431 and I just thought it would be a great opportunity for us 46 00:01:55,498 --> 00:01:56,866 to all get together 47 00:01:56,933 --> 00:01:58,468 and you could talk to the children about how maybe 48 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:02,705 that could be a great time for you to pivot your products. 49 00:02:02,772 --> 00:02:05,208 - I appreciate your input, but I don't own the place, 50 00:02:05,275 --> 00:02:07,043 and I'm really not the person 51 00:02:07,110 --> 00:02:09,045 to be speaking to about such things. 52 00:02:09,112 --> 00:02:11,214 - Oh, is it something you've been wanting to talk 53 00:02:11,281 --> 00:02:13,583 to the owner about for a while? 54 00:02:13,650 --> 00:02:15,418 - Is it something what? 55 00:02:15,485 --> 00:02:17,954 - You've been wanting to talk to the owner about for a while? 56 00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:19,689 - No. Absolutely not. You-- 57 00:02:19,756 --> 00:02:21,458 - 'Cause I'm telling you, if I was working there too, 58 00:02:21,524 --> 00:02:23,126 I'd be thinking, "Oh, my goodness, 59 00:02:23,193 --> 00:02:24,694 am I doing the devil's work or the Lord's work?" 60 00:02:24,761 --> 00:02:26,162 And I'd be thinking, "Gosh [inaudible]." 61 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,630 - Oh, honey, I don't think that at all. 62 00:02:27,697 --> 00:02:31,634 So, you know, maybe you should send an email 63 00:02:31,701 --> 00:02:34,070 because these are not things I'm thinking at all. 64 00:02:34,137 --> 00:02:36,573 - But I think we can-- - Oh, if you wanna go to the 65 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:38,174 look at website, you can certainly 66 00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,076 send an email to the owner. 67 00:02:40,143 --> 00:02:42,745 - Well, luckily, Jesus didn't say that to his flock or else 68 00:02:42,812 --> 00:02:43,913 we all be at a website. 69 00:02:44,013 --> 00:02:46,516 - Well, you have a fabulous day, my dear. 70 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:47,550 Thank you. - Aha! 71 00:02:47,617 --> 00:02:49,652 caught you, devil worshipper. 72 00:02:49,719 --> 00:02:52,055 [line trilling] 73 00:02:52,121 --> 00:02:56,359 - Thanks for calling [bleep]. - Hi. I--I'm 12 years old. 74 00:02:56,426 --> 00:03:00,029 Do you have books that are for young people too? 75 00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,198 - I'm sorry, say that again. 76 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:06,035 - Do you have books for young people too? 77 00:03:06,035 --> 00:03:07,537 - No, not really. 78 00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:11,174 - Do you have books about the Lord? 79 00:03:11,241 --> 00:03:13,443 - We do have books on Western religions 80 00:03:13,510 --> 00:03:15,278 and Eastern religions. 81 00:03:15,345 --> 00:03:19,215 - Okay. What titles do you have about the Lord? 82 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:25,054 - Ohh, Hold on. 83 00:03:25,054 --> 00:03:26,589 Just to name a few, 84 00:03:26,656 --> 00:03:29,359 I have "All the Apostles of the Bible," "Life and Teachings" 85 00:03:29,425 --> 00:03:31,895 "of Jesus and Mary," "Saint Watching," 86 00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,730 "The Gospels According to Jesus," 87 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:36,199 and "The Last Days of the New Testament." 88 00:03:36,266 --> 00:03:38,868 - Oh, okay. I read those. 89 00:03:38,935 --> 00:03:40,870 Now, when you say Eastern and Western, 90 00:03:41,004 --> 00:03:42,739 don't those conflict? 91 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:44,507 That sound confusing. 92 00:03:44,574 --> 00:03:47,043 - We don't choose the books that we carry. 93 00:03:47,110 --> 00:03:50,713 We try to cater to all different religions. 94 00:03:50,780 --> 00:03:54,117 - Oh, different religions? - Yes. 95 00:03:54,184 --> 00:03:56,186 - There's just one? Do you have the one religion? 96 00:03:56,252 --> 00:03:58,054 - No, there's not. There are several. 97 00:03:58,121 --> 00:03:59,389 - Did you choose the devil? 98 00:03:59,455 --> 00:04:01,758 'Cause it sounds like I caught you. 99 00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:05,028 [laughs] Well, fine. 100 00:04:05,028 --> 00:04:08,097 [line trilling] 101 00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:12,535 This is Satan. I hear I live here. 102 00:04:12,602 --> 00:04:16,039 - Oh, [bleep] off and die. 103 00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:18,575 - You wish, girl. 104 00:04:18,641 --> 00:04:21,678 [upbeat music] 105 00:04:23,613 --> 00:04:24,914 [line trilling] 106 00:04:25,048 --> 00:04:26,749 - Hello. This is Jen. How can I help you? 107 00:04:26,816 --> 00:04:27,750 - Hi, I was wondering if you guys 108 00:04:27,817 --> 00:04:28,952 could do me a favor. 109 00:04:29,052 --> 00:04:30,086 I'm a regular at the ice cream shop. 110 00:04:30,153 --> 00:04:31,554 I been coming there for a long time. 111 00:04:31,621 --> 00:04:34,057 Is there any way I could use your refrigerator for-- 112 00:04:34,124 --> 00:04:36,726 My refrigerator is out and I got some meat. 113 00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:39,095 Some cold cuts that are gonna go bad. 114 00:04:39,162 --> 00:04:41,531 - We can't right now share things with cakes. 115 00:04:41,598 --> 00:04:42,765 - Yeah, I know. 116 00:04:42,832 --> 00:04:45,201 I just need a little spot in the corner. 117 00:04:45,268 --> 00:04:46,870 - We're not able to 'cause we have 118 00:04:47,003 --> 00:04:48,738 the delivery also coming in. - The meat's flat. 119 00:04:48,805 --> 00:04:50,406 It's gonna fit. You know what I mean? 120 00:04:50,473 --> 00:04:52,041 It's not like it's--it's--it's blown up. 121 00:04:52,108 --> 00:04:53,743 It's not like a balloon, 122 00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:55,812 but I could just put them right on top of the cakes. 123 00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:58,314 It's just, you know, it's like a pound of baloney 124 00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:01,284 and you know, some salami and American cheese, 125 00:05:01,351 --> 00:05:03,286 but it's star--it's starting to go bad. 126 00:05:03,353 --> 00:05:04,454 - I'm sorry. 127 00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:05,855 We can't do that, sir. - Why? 128 00:05:05,922 --> 00:05:07,757 I could just tuck it in the corner. 129 00:05:07,824 --> 00:05:09,225 - Well, because of the business, sir. 130 00:05:09,292 --> 00:05:10,460 We can't put your-- your sandwich meats 131 00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:11,795 on top of our cakes. 132 00:05:11,861 --> 00:05:13,463 There's also like cross-contamination. 133 00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,064 Even if it's not raw meat, we can't do that. 134 00:05:15,131 --> 00:05:16,800 - No, but it's--it's wrapped up though. 135 00:05:16,866 --> 00:05:19,669 It's not like it's out in the open. 136 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:22,105 - Uh, no. We're not really able to do that, sir. 137 00:05:22,172 --> 00:05:23,807 - I don't understand. I'm a regular there. 138 00:05:23,873 --> 00:05:25,475 I mean I'm--you know, I just need it for a few hours. 139 00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:28,044 My power's out. The stuff started to turn green. 140 00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:29,312 - We can't do that. 141 00:05:29,379 --> 00:05:30,880 I understand that you're a regular, 142 00:05:30,947 --> 00:05:32,482 but we can't do that for you. I'm sorry. 143 00:05:32,549 --> 00:05:33,716 - This meat is expensive. 144 00:05:33,783 --> 00:05:35,285 It's gonna go bad. - I know. 145 00:05:35,351 --> 00:05:37,053 Sorry, you can't just use our freezer, sir. 146 00:05:37,053 --> 00:05:38,321 I don't know what else to tell you. 147 00:05:38,388 --> 00:05:40,256 - Look, I can wrap it in my sock, 148 00:05:40,323 --> 00:05:42,792 so won't even get on the cakes. 149 00:05:42,859 --> 00:05:45,428 - Again, there's nothing we can do for you. I'm sorry. 150 00:05:45,495 --> 00:05:46,629 - But I--you could even have 151 00:05:46,696 --> 00:05:47,997 one of the sandwiches if you want. 152 00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,632 You can make a sandwich for yourself. 153 00:05:49,699 --> 00:05:51,434 I'm not gonna say anything. 154 00:05:51,501 --> 00:05:52,769 - It's not for customer use. 155 00:05:52,836 --> 00:05:54,304 It's only for the store use. - Okay. 156 00:05:54,370 --> 00:05:56,339 But even with the meat, you could use it for toppings, 157 00:05:56,406 --> 00:05:57,874 maybe on some of your ice cream, 158 00:05:58,007 --> 00:06:00,076 you know, like a Bologna Sundae or something like that. 159 00:06:00,143 --> 00:06:01,711 - I'm sorry there's other customers here. 160 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,246 I have to hang up. I don't wanna be rude, 161 00:06:03,313 --> 00:06:04,814 but we do have other customers here. 162 00:06:04,881 --> 00:06:07,550 - No, I am--I'm busy too. I'm busy too. 163 00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:08,852 I mean, I got shit to do. 164 00:06:08,918 --> 00:06:10,320 [line clicks] 165 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:15,225 [line trilling] 166 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:17,026 - Hello, ice cream shop. How can I help you? 167 00:06:17,026 --> 00:06:19,162 - Hi, this is Bobby. We just talked on the phone. 168 00:06:19,229 --> 00:06:20,797 - Sir, again, please do not call the store. 169 00:06:20,864 --> 00:06:22,699 We're not gonna let you use our freezer. 170 00:06:22,765 --> 00:06:24,501 - No, this--I--look, I know you can say it over the phone. 171 00:06:24,567 --> 00:06:25,768 You know what I mean? 172 00:06:25,835 --> 00:06:27,403 Now you can say you'll take the meat. 173 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,405 So I'll just leave it right outside the door for you. 174 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,040 You could just put it in there. 175 00:06:31,107 --> 00:06:33,276 I'm right around the corner, anyway. I'm in an Uber. 176 00:06:33,343 --> 00:06:34,677 [line clicks] 177 00:06:34,744 --> 00:06:36,713 [line trilling] 178 00:06:38,281 --> 00:06:40,550 - Ice cream shop. How can I help you? 179 00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,218 - Just wanna let you know I left the meat 180 00:06:42,285 --> 00:06:43,520 right outside the door 181 00:06:43,586 --> 00:06:44,988 so you could just pick it up anytime. 182 00:06:45,054 --> 00:06:47,557 - We're not taking your meat, okay? Thank you. 183 00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:49,025 - No. But I left it dangling 184 00:06:49,092 --> 00:06:50,994 on the edge of the garbage can outside 185 00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,429 so you could just take it right off of there. 186 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:54,898 - We're gonna throw it out. - Why? It's-- 187 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,099 - Because like we're not doing this. 188 00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,300 - But it's still good. 189 00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:58,568 - We--we're no--we're not-- 190 00:06:58,635 --> 00:07:00,103 we're not taking your stuff. 191 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,538 - Look, I--I took it out of the paper 192 00:07:01,604 --> 00:07:03,006 so it wouldn't take up so much space. 193 00:07:03,039 --> 00:07:04,808 So it will be easy for you guys. 194 00:07:04,874 --> 00:07:06,609 - No, we're not taking it in. That's like the end of it. 195 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,011 - The garbage can which can was just cleaned. 196 00:07:08,044 --> 00:07:09,546 So it's not like it's gonna be dirty meat 197 00:07:09,612 --> 00:07:11,080 that you guys are gonna put in there. 198 00:07:11,147 --> 00:07:13,249 - No, sorry. This is getting weird, okay? Thank you. 199 00:07:13,316 --> 00:07:16,586 - Why is it getting weird? How could you be so heartless? 200 00:07:16,653 --> 00:07:20,457 [rock music] 201 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,792 - Do you think that security guard guys 202 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:25,728 would sleep in a room with me? Is that something possible? 203 00:07:25,795 --> 00:07:27,630 - I'm gonna have to have someone to talk to you, Craig. 204 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:29,032 I--I don't know. I'm sorry. 205 00:07:29,065 --> 00:07:30,667 - All right. Thanks so much. I appreciate. 206 00:07:30,733 --> 00:07:33,036 She also hates being tickled. 207 00:07:33,069 --> 00:07:34,871 Just maybe put that in the file. 208 00:07:36,505 --> 00:07:37,540 - First name's Craig, 209 00:07:37,606 --> 00:07:41,210 C-R-A-I-G. Last name's Pullin. 210 00:07:41,277 --> 00:07:43,779 [line trills] 211 00:07:45,114 --> 00:07:48,217 - Thank you for calling [bleep] Protection. How may I help you? 212 00:07:48,284 --> 00:07:51,954 - Yeah, this is Craig and I need security. 213 00:07:52,021 --> 00:07:54,690 What is your name? - My name is [bleep]. 214 00:07:54,757 --> 00:07:55,991 What's your phone number, Craig? 215 00:07:56,058 --> 00:08:00,896 - My phone number's 212-[bleep]-2176. 216 00:08:00,963 --> 00:08:02,898 - Do you have an email address as well? 217 00:08:02,965 --> 00:08:04,533 - Yeah. Actually, I don't have 218 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:09,205 an email--it's my mom's email address that I use. 219 00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:10,706 - That's okay. 220 00:08:10,773 --> 00:08:14,577 - My problem though is I need security from my mom. 221 00:08:14,643 --> 00:08:17,313 What is--what is--what would that cost me 222 00:08:17,380 --> 00:08:20,516 if I were just to get some prote--tection 223 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,819 from--from someone who's already in my house 224 00:08:23,886 --> 00:08:28,190 which seems like the protective people have to be in my house. 225 00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:29,859 - I--I don't know pricing. 226 00:08:29,925 --> 00:08:31,427 I'll have to have someone call you back and, you know-- 227 00:08:31,494 --> 00:08:34,096 - It's kind of an emergency. I saw her squirt lemons 228 00:08:34,163 --> 00:08:36,532 into my hot tea, so she's clearly trying 229 00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,634 to burn my vocal chords or something, 230 00:08:38,701 --> 00:08:44,073 and she ab--and she abuses me with her words all the time. 231 00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:46,275 - Okay. - All right? 232 00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:47,543 - Yeah. I'll--I'll forward this message 233 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:48,711 and have someone call you back. - Do they have-- 234 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,380 - Thank you. - Do they have guns? 235 00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:53,115 You know what? The security guards you have? 236 00:08:53,182 --> 00:08:55,718 - Some do. I don't know if all, but... 237 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,119 - Okay. - Yeah, they definitely-- 238 00:08:57,186 --> 00:08:58,421 some of them have guns, yes. - I need some guns. 239 00:08:58,487 --> 00:09:00,423 They've got to bring guns 'cause my mom--she's 240 00:09:00,489 --> 00:09:03,759 a very strong person, surprisingly strong 241 00:09:03,826 --> 00:09:05,761 and I'm--I'm worried if they don't have guns 242 00:09:05,828 --> 00:09:07,296 that--that they won't work 243 00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:10,099 and she'll beat up all the security guards. 244 00:09:10,166 --> 00:09:11,400 - All right. 245 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,035 - My mom's only afraid of roller coasters, 246 00:09:13,102 --> 00:09:16,472 so you better be some serious secu--curity. 247 00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:18,574 - All right. Yeah, I'll have someone call you back. Thanks. 248 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,209 - All right. That's--All right. Thanks so much. 249 00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:21,711 I--I appreciate. Do you think 250 00:09:21,777 --> 00:09:25,748 the security guard guys would sleep in a room with me? 251 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,950 Is that something possible? 252 00:09:28,017 --> 00:09:29,618 - I'm gonna have to have someone to talk to you, Craig. 253 00:09:29,685 --> 00:09:31,320 I--I don't know. I'm sorry. - All right. Thanks so much. 254 00:09:31,387 --> 00:09:34,457 I appreciate. She also hates being tickled. 255 00:09:34,523 --> 00:09:36,492 Just maybe put that in the file. 256 00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,027 - Okay. - All right. Thanks so much. 257 00:09:38,094 --> 00:09:39,528 - I'll note it down for you. Thanks. 258 00:09:39,595 --> 00:09:42,598 - All right. Have a great day. Bye. 259 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:44,767 - Thanks. Bye. 260 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,637 [line trills] 261 00:09:48,704 --> 00:09:51,040 - Thank you for calling [bleep] Protection. How may I help you? 262 00:09:51,107 --> 00:09:52,775 - It's Craig real quick. 263 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,845 I need you to put some note in my--in the file 264 00:09:55,911 --> 00:09:57,513 that you are sending off. 265 00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,783 I need to see if they--one, if they will take care of pets. 266 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:05,421 I'm in my--my closet right now because I'm hiding from my mom. 267 00:10:05,488 --> 00:10:07,289 That's how serious this is. 268 00:10:07,323 --> 00:10:08,657 - Okay. - Could you-- 269 00:10:08,724 --> 00:10:10,126 I'm putting you on speaker. 270 00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:11,494 Could you tell my mom I'm not doing anything wrong? 271 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,497 Just say, "Craig, wasn't doing anything wrong." 272 00:10:14,563 --> 00:10:17,767 - Craig's doing okay. - Could you say again? 273 00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:19,201 You're on speaker. 274 00:10:19,301 --> 00:10:21,103 - Yeah. Craig just gave us--gave us a phone call. 275 00:10:21,170 --> 00:10:23,939 - Yeah. No, I wasn't doing anything wrong. 276 00:10:24,006 --> 00:10:24,940 - Yeah, Craig, you weren't--Craig 277 00:10:25,007 --> 00:10:26,208 was not doing anything wrong. 278 00:10:26,308 --> 00:10:27,810 He just gave us a phone call. Thank you. 279 00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,479 - That's what I was doing, mom. It's one of my friends. 280 00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:32,481 You're my--my friend, right, [bleep]? 281 00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:33,883 - Yeah, Craig. 282 00:10:33,949 --> 00:10:35,684 - I was not calling a security place. 283 00:10:35,751 --> 00:10:38,854 I was just calling my friend. So that's how that was. 284 00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:41,390 Right, [bleep]? 285 00:10:41,457 --> 00:10:45,728 He's a shy person. [laughs] 286 00:10:45,795 --> 00:10:48,931 - What's the highest score one of your students 287 00:10:48,998 --> 00:10:50,566 has gotten on the SATs? 288 00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:52,168 - It looks like we've had somebody 289 00:10:52,268 --> 00:10:56,839 that gotten a 1,350 on the SAT. 290 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,841 - That's embarrassing. 291 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:03,145 Huey Lewis got a perfect 2,000 and he was stoned off his ass. 292 00:11:04,688 --> 00:11:08,525 [upbeat music] 293 00:11:08,591 --> 00:11:10,760 [line trilling] - [bleep] Class Tutoring. 294 00:11:10,827 --> 00:11:13,196 This is Steven. - Steven, name's Birchum. 295 00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:15,598 You guys do the SAT prep? 296 00:11:15,665 --> 00:11:18,301 - Yes, we do. 297 00:11:18,368 --> 00:11:20,437 - Okay. 298 00:11:20,503 --> 00:11:24,574 I got gals. I got twins. Do you guys handle twins? 299 00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:27,644 - In what--like in what way? 300 00:11:27,711 --> 00:11:30,447 Like--'cause we do tutoring one-on-one, 301 00:11:30,513 --> 00:11:32,649 so if you're looking for something for them 302 00:11:32,716 --> 00:11:34,851 to do it together, we would still 303 00:11:34,918 --> 00:11:38,722 do separate sessions, if that's what you're asking. 304 00:11:38,788 --> 00:11:41,424 - Well, now see, here's the rub. 305 00:11:41,491 --> 00:11:42,993 They're conjoined twins. 306 00:11:43,059 --> 00:11:46,763 So they're--they're together all the time. 307 00:11:46,830 --> 00:11:50,700 - All right. Have they taken the SAT before? 308 00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:53,203 - Well, they took the PSAT, 309 00:11:53,269 --> 00:11:56,106 and then I noticed the one Cheryl-Ann, 310 00:11:56,172 --> 00:12:01,678 that--that'd be to your right if you're facing them. 311 00:12:01,745 --> 00:12:04,781 She--she cheats off Lily. 312 00:12:04,848 --> 00:12:06,349 That--that would be through the left 313 00:12:06,416 --> 00:12:09,052 if you're facing-- if you're facing them. 314 00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:12,188 So the one is cheating off the other. 315 00:12:12,255 --> 00:12:13,857 I'm not going for that. 316 00:12:13,923 --> 00:12:17,160 I got to figure out a way to get some sort of division 317 00:12:17,227 --> 00:12:20,930 or screen or duvetyne or some sort of curtain, 318 00:12:20,997 --> 00:12:22,932 bath curtain or something in between them 319 00:12:22,999 --> 00:12:24,601 so the one is studying 320 00:12:24,668 --> 00:12:27,337 and not looking at the other one's paper. 321 00:12:27,404 --> 00:12:30,006 Could you facilitate something like that? 322 00:12:30,073 --> 00:12:31,675 - I'd have to think about it a little bit. 323 00:12:31,741 --> 00:12:34,210 I--we could probably come up with something. 324 00:12:34,277 --> 00:12:36,680 - Well, these kids don't have anything except 325 00:12:36,746 --> 00:12:39,616 for the three-foot of flesh that connects them. 326 00:12:39,683 --> 00:12:40,950 But other--other than that, 327 00:12:41,017 --> 00:12:43,086 there's a normal as the day is long. 328 00:12:43,153 --> 00:12:45,288 As a matter of fact, you couldn't tell 329 00:12:45,355 --> 00:12:47,891 they had anything if you just spoke to them over the phone. 330 00:12:47,958 --> 00:12:49,292 So, of course, you know, 331 00:12:49,359 --> 00:12:51,561 if one of them needs to take a bathroom break, 332 00:12:51,628 --> 00:12:53,930 well, obviously the other one's got to go to. 333 00:12:53,997 --> 00:12:55,999 So, you know, we couldn't stagger that. 334 00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,233 - Yeah. 335 00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:59,336 - What's the highest score 336 00:12:59,402 --> 00:13:02,639 one your students has gotten on the SATs? 337 00:13:02,706 --> 00:13:04,407 - I think we've had somebody--it looks like 338 00:13:04,507 --> 00:13:10,413 we've had somebody that gotten a 1,350 on the SAT. 339 00:13:10,513 --> 00:13:12,382 - That's embarrassing. 340 00:13:12,515 --> 00:13:17,787 Huey Lewis got a perfect 2,000 and he was stoned off his ass. 341 00:13:17,854 --> 00:13:19,322 - Wow. 342 00:13:19,389 --> 00:13:21,725 - What's you're saying to me with your 1,350 343 00:13:21,791 --> 00:13:26,563 you're like saying, "Oh, I run a camp for baseball 344 00:13:26,630 --> 00:13:28,264 and the highest batting average 345 00:13:28,331 --> 00:13:31,968 we've ever had out of here is .141." 346 00:13:32,035 --> 00:13:35,138 - I'm just--I'm waiting for you to sell me something. 347 00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:38,808 - I'm selling you conjoined twins 348 00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:41,845 coming to your facility to study. 349 00:13:41,911 --> 00:13:45,115 - And where are we located? - I didn't call to be quizzed 350 00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:49,552 on Salt Lake City, douche. You tutor in math? 351 00:13:49,552 --> 00:13:50,687 - Yes. 352 00:13:50,754 --> 00:13:54,291 - What's 21 times 21? 353 00:13:54,357 --> 00:13:56,559 I didn't think so, son? 354 00:13:56,626 --> 00:13:59,629 - 441. - All right, great. 355 00:13:59,696 --> 00:14:01,865 You got hold of your iPhone. 356 00:14:01,931 --> 00:14:03,700 Did you go to college, son? 357 00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:05,502 - I did. 358 00:14:05,568 --> 00:14:07,671 - Junior college? 359 00:14:07,737 --> 00:14:09,973 - No, University of Alabama. 360 00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,675 - Jesus Christ. 361 00:14:11,741 --> 00:14:14,044 If I were your parents, I'd be pissed. 362 00:14:14,110 --> 00:14:15,512 - Yeah. Well. 363 00:14:15,578 --> 00:14:18,548 - They spent all that money sending you to Alabama. 364 00:14:18,615 --> 00:14:22,319 It's four-year degree, drinking Mickey's Big Mouth, 365 00:14:22,385 --> 00:14:25,522 ripping bong loads, making fun of the president, 366 00:14:25,588 --> 00:14:29,726 then you ended up in Utah, going home every night. 367 00:14:29,793 --> 00:14:32,395 No girl pulling your pod? 368 00:14:32,529 --> 00:14:34,030 - I'm far from home. 369 00:14:34,097 --> 00:14:37,334 - Did you know that Chuck Woolery 370 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,670 got an 1,850 on his SATs? 371 00:14:40,737 --> 00:14:44,541 - Yeah. I'm sorry that I don't know--don't know celebrities' 372 00:14:44,607 --> 00:14:46,009 SAT scores. 373 00:14:46,076 --> 00:14:49,079 - Do you know Mark Wahlberg and Donnie Wahlberg 374 00:14:49,145 --> 00:14:51,881 both got higher than 1,350? 375 00:14:51,948 --> 00:14:55,719 - It's out of--it's out of 1,600 now. 376 00:14:55,785 --> 00:14:58,722 It's not--it's not on the previous scale. 377 00:14:58,788 --> 00:15:00,123 - Yeah. 378 00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:04,194 Well, guess who got 2,000 when it was out of 2,000? 379 00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:06,262 Huey goddamn Lewis. - But-- 380 00:15:06,329 --> 00:15:09,899 Don't give me your sliding scale bullshit, son. 381 00:15:09,966 --> 00:15:11,735 I didn't just fall off a cabbage truck. 382 00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:14,404 [cocks gun, fires] 383 00:15:14,504 --> 00:15:17,340 - A lot of lonely hearts out there. 384 00:15:17,407 --> 00:15:19,943 - Okay. What kind of bird are you looking for? 385 00:15:20,010 --> 00:15:22,345 - Do you have a bird with Megan Rapinoe cut, 386 00:15:22,412 --> 00:15:24,848 with the blonde in the middle and the purple on the sides? 387 00:15:24,914 --> 00:15:26,416 I'm reading--I'm on it reading right now. 388 00:15:26,516 --> 00:15:27,751 - What kind of bird is that? 389 00:15:27,817 --> 00:15:29,219 'Cause I've never heard of that. 390 00:15:29,285 --> 00:15:30,153 - It's a lesbian-friendly bird. 391 00:15:32,288 --> 00:15:35,291 [upbeat music] 392 00:15:35,357 --> 00:15:41,330 [line trilling] 393 00:15:41,397 --> 00:15:43,299 - Bird Time, may I help you? 394 00:15:43,365 --> 00:15:45,834 - Hi, my name is Shasta and I just-- 395 00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,136 I just had a bird that passed away 396 00:15:47,202 --> 00:15:49,738 and I was looking to purchase another bird. 397 00:15:49,805 --> 00:15:51,173 And I wanted to talk to you guys 398 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,475 about the stock that you have there. 399 00:15:54,944 --> 00:15:58,847 - We don't have a lot. What are you looking for? 400 00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:03,886 - I'm a lesbian, and I want actually a LGBTQ bird 401 00:16:03,953 --> 00:16:07,656 preferably beautiful rainbow feathers. 402 00:16:07,723 --> 00:16:09,191 And I--I don't want it 403 00:16:09,258 --> 00:16:11,760 to be too judgmental of me and my wife's lifestyle. 404 00:16:11,827 --> 00:16:13,562 - A bird is not gonna be judgmental. 405 00:16:13,629 --> 00:16:16,098 - The last bird that we had, it judged me and my wife 406 00:16:16,165 --> 00:16:17,533 when we would do things like kiss, 407 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,701 when we would scissor, 408 00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:20,736 and I really did not appreciate that. 409 00:16:20,803 --> 00:16:23,539 - Okay. What kind of bird are you looking for? 410 00:16:23,606 --> 00:16:24,740 What is the type? 411 00:16:24,807 --> 00:16:26,809 - You have a bird with Megan Rapinoe 412 00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:28,410 cut with the blonde in the middle 413 00:16:28,477 --> 00:16:29,845 and the purple on the sides? 414 00:16:29,912 --> 00:16:32,214 I'm reading--I'm on it reading it right now. 415 00:16:32,281 --> 00:16:33,649 - What kind of bird is that? 416 00:16:33,716 --> 00:16:35,384 'Cause I've never heard of that. 417 00:16:35,451 --> 00:16:37,586 - It's a lesbian-friendly bird. 418 00:16:37,653 --> 00:16:39,421 - Never even heard of it. 419 00:16:39,488 --> 00:16:40,723 - Well, it says here 420 00:16:40,789 --> 00:16:44,693 that you have birds that had Birkenstocks? 421 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,395 - What are you talking about? 422 00:16:46,462 --> 00:16:49,398 - I'm--ma'am, I'm reading it on your website right now. 423 00:16:49,465 --> 00:16:50,966 - No, you're not. - I am. 424 00:16:51,033 --> 00:16:53,402 - No, you're not. - I want a lesbian bird, 425 00:16:53,469 --> 00:16:56,805 but I--I--I would completely embrace a--a gay bird, 426 00:16:56,872 --> 00:16:58,574 a bi-bird, a trans-bird, a queer bird. 427 00:16:58,641 --> 00:17:00,442 I'm--I'm--I'm--I--you-- I'm telling you-- 428 00:17:00,509 --> 00:17:03,145 - I've never even met-- I've never even met 429 00:17:03,145 --> 00:17:04,413 a billion or gay bird. 430 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,148 - Ma'am, you are--I feel like you're getting 431 00:17:06,148 --> 00:17:07,549 very agitated with me 432 00:17:07,616 --> 00:17:10,419 and I am just going off of-- look, I have this site, 433 00:17:10,486 --> 00:17:12,922 it tells me about gay-friendly places 434 00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:14,990 where I can purchase animals and full clothing. 435 00:17:15,057 --> 00:17:17,393 And you guys came up on that list, 436 00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:19,929 so I thought that I would get better service here. 437 00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:23,732 - Right. You can--you can come in here, absolutely. 438 00:17:23,799 --> 00:17:25,868 Our birds are not judgmental, 439 00:17:25,935 --> 00:17:27,937 neither are people that work here. 440 00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:29,805 But I can't tell to you, you know, 441 00:17:29,872 --> 00:17:31,807 if a bird is gonna like you or it's not. 442 00:17:31,874 --> 00:17:33,576 It's gonna be how you raise it. 443 00:17:33,642 --> 00:17:35,244 - Oh. - Yeah. 444 00:17:35,311 --> 00:17:38,714 But if you get an older bird, older birds 445 00:17:38,781 --> 00:17:41,984 do have some precondition behaviors already. 446 00:17:42,117 --> 00:17:44,119 - Oh, yeah. My uncle had a bird that hated Jews, 447 00:17:44,186 --> 00:17:45,754 and we had to put it down. 448 00:17:45,821 --> 00:17:46,956 - Okay. 449 00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:49,291 - Listen, I made the mistake once, okay? 450 00:17:49,358 --> 00:17:51,961 I adopted a Maine Coon. Do you know what that is? 451 00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:53,329 - A cat. - Yes. 452 00:17:53,395 --> 00:17:54,763 And only--it's not just a cat. 453 00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:56,699 It's one of the biggest cats out there. 454 00:17:56,765 --> 00:17:59,935 And every single time I put "The L Word" on it screeched. 455 00:18:00,002 --> 00:18:03,505 And I can't have that happen with my bird. 456 00:18:03,572 --> 00:18:05,541 - Well, I don't know what to tell you. 457 00:18:05,608 --> 00:18:09,044 I really don't. Get a baby and train it how you want it. 458 00:18:09,144 --> 00:18:10,813 - All right. Okay. Let's talk about price then. 459 00:18:10,879 --> 00:18:12,481 Let's do something a little simpler. 460 00:18:12,548 --> 00:18:14,883 The gold star lesbian birds would start off at how much? 461 00:18:14,950 --> 00:18:18,187 - We don't carry lesbian birds. I don't know what that kind is. 462 00:18:18,254 --> 00:18:19,722 I'm not trying to be judgmental. 463 00:18:19,788 --> 00:18:21,357 I'm really, really not. 464 00:18:21,423 --> 00:18:22,958 I don't care if you're purple with pink polka dots. 465 00:18:23,025 --> 00:18:24,326 I'm just trying to figure out what kind of bird-- 466 00:18:24,393 --> 00:18:25,928 - You know what? I don't appreciate that. 467 00:18:25,995 --> 00:18:27,796 I got a Chihuahua with purple and pink polka dots. 468 00:18:27,863 --> 00:18:29,365 Can I get your manager on the phone? 469 00:18:29,431 --> 00:18:32,434 - He's the owner and he's not here right now. 470 00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:34,103 He'll be here first thing tomorrow morning. 471 00:18:34,103 --> 00:18:36,005 I can even leave your number if you would like to call back. 472 00:18:36,105 --> 00:18:38,607 - Okay. Well, this is the only store that said that your birds 473 00:18:38,674 --> 00:18:40,476 won't be, you know, crazy towards me and my family. 474 00:18:40,542 --> 00:18:41,777 - But they are not. They are not. 475 00:18:41,844 --> 00:18:43,112 - Like the "Times"-- the "Times Magazine." 476 00:18:43,178 --> 00:18:44,546 Okay. Okay. 477 00:18:44,613 --> 00:18:45,981 Like, I'm just letting you know, like the facts. 478 00:18:46,115 --> 00:18:47,216 - That's right. - The "Times Magazine" 479 00:18:47,283 --> 00:18:48,884 rated birds the most homophobic pets 480 00:18:48,951 --> 00:18:50,286 the last three years in a row. 481 00:18:50,352 --> 00:18:52,688 So I definitely need to be careful. 482 00:18:52,755 --> 00:18:53,989 - Never have I had a customer 483 00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:56,025 come through here and experience that. 484 00:18:56,125 --> 00:18:57,326 - You're sure? 485 00:18:57,393 --> 00:18:59,695 - I promise you. - Okay. 486 00:18:59,762 --> 00:19:03,198 - Why would a bird care? Why would a bird care? 487 00:19:03,265 --> 00:19:04,700 - Well, that's-- well, that's the thing. 488 00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:06,569 That's what your expertise come in. 489 00:19:06,635 --> 00:19:08,837 I'm just calling to make sure I'm coming to the right place. 490 00:19:08,904 --> 00:19:10,339 Like on your website, you guys are doing 491 00:19:10,406 --> 00:19:13,509 LGBTQ discounts on your birds, correct? 492 00:19:13,576 --> 00:19:16,745 - What website are you on? Tell me your website. 493 00:19:16,812 --> 00:19:18,581 - I'm on your website right now, ma'am. 494 00:19:18,647 --> 00:19:21,183 - What is it? - Hold up. Let me get to it. 495 00:19:21,250 --> 00:19:22,685 Jeez. 496 00:19:22,751 --> 00:19:24,720 It's on gaybirds.org. 497 00:19:24,787 --> 00:19:27,156 - That is not us. - Bird Time. 498 00:19:27,156 --> 00:19:28,924 - That is our store. - Exactly. 499 00:19:28,991 --> 00:19:30,659 Are you in front of a computer right now? 500 00:19:30,726 --> 00:19:31,827 You should type it in. 501 00:19:31,894 --> 00:19:34,263 - I'm not. - Birdtime.org. 502 00:19:34,330 --> 00:19:36,265 - I know our store website. Yes. 503 00:19:36,332 --> 00:19:38,400 - All right. Well, there is a link and it says, 504 00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:39,702 "Gay-friendly pets." 505 00:19:39,768 --> 00:19:41,103 - Okay. Well, if you want, 506 00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:43,339 I'll have the owner call you tomorrow. 507 00:19:43,405 --> 00:19:44,873 - All right. Well, you just tell the owner 508 00:19:44,940 --> 00:19:46,375 that I need a bird 509 00:19:46,442 --> 00:19:49,211 that wouldn't wanna be around any dicks at all. 510 00:19:49,278 --> 00:19:50,913 - Okay. Well, good luck with it. 511 00:19:50,980 --> 00:19:52,414 - And you can also tell him 512 00:19:52,481 --> 00:19:53,849 that if the bird doesn't like Ellen, 513 00:19:53,916 --> 00:19:55,684 I'm bringing the bird back. Okay? 514 00:19:55,751 --> 00:19:57,419 - Uh-huh. Bye. [line clicks] 515 00:19:57,486 --> 00:20:00,522 [upbeat music] 516 00:20:04,276 --> 00:20:07,309 {\an7}[upbeat music] 517 00:20:27,012 --> 00:20:28,616 {\an7}- Look at that. 518 00:20:30,144 --> 00:20:32,946 {\an7}- MTV