[touch tones beeping]
[line trills]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
'Cause we're having a ball
We're just making some calls to strangers
We're back on the cell
And the world's gone to hell
But you're gonna feel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
They'll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
'Cause we're disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
- "Crank Yankers."
- [laughs] [line trilling]
- Thanks for calling [bleep]. How may I help you?
- My name is Marie. How are you doing today?
- I'm good. Thanks. How are you?
- Oh, just great. Thanks.
So I wanted to run something by you.
I think your store is really, really interesting.
And I wanted to know if you'd be willing
to come to my Sunday school and do, like, a presentation.
- Your Sunday school and do a presentation?
- Yeah, because I was looking at the kind of books
and periodicals that you sell.
And I think it's really interesting that this would be
a great time for you guys to make a pivot
to selling and promoting books
that have a positive message about the Lord.
- I'm sorry.
You just went from us carrying different books
than what we carry to making a presentation
to your Sunday school.
- Yes.
- What do you--what is it that you're calling about?
I'm--I'm confused. You just went from one subject
to the other and kind of lost me in the dust.
- Oh, well, I was just noticing that some of the things
that you sell at the store
do not seem particularly godlike,
and I just thought it would be a great opportunity for us
to all get together
and you could talk to the children about how maybe
that could be a great time for you to pivot your products.
- I appreciate your input, but I don't own the place,
and I'm really not the person
to be speaking to about such things.
- Oh, is it something you've been wanting to talk
to the owner about for a while?
- Is it something what?
- You've been wanting to talk to the owner about for a while?
- No. Absolutely not. You--
- 'Cause I'm telling you, if I was working there too,
I'd be thinking, "Oh, my goodness,
am I doing the devil's work or the Lord's work?"
And I'd be thinking, "Gosh [inaudible]."
- Oh, honey, I don't think that at all.
So, you know, maybe you should send an email
because these are not things I'm thinking at all.
- But I think we can-- - Oh, if you wanna go to the
look at website, you can certainly
send an email to the owner.
- Well, luckily, Jesus didn't say that to his flock or else
we all be at a website.
- Well, you have a fabulous day, my dear.
Thank you. - Aha!
caught you, devil worshipper.
[line trilling]
- Thanks for calling [bleep]. - Hi. I--I'm 12 years old.
Do you have books that are for young people too?
- I'm sorry, say that again.
- Do you have books for young people too?
- No, not really.
- Do you have books about the Lord?
- We do have books on Western religions
and Eastern religions.
- Okay. What titles do you have about the Lord?
- Ohh, Hold on.
Just to name a few,
I have "All the Apostles of the Bible," "Life and Teachings"
"of Jesus and Mary," "Saint Watching,"
"The Gospels According to Jesus,"
and "The Last Days of the New Testament."
- Oh, okay. I read those.
Now, when you say Eastern and Western,
don't those conflict?
That sound confusing.
- We don't choose the books that we carry.
We try to cater to all different religions.
- Oh, different religions? - Yes.
- There's just one? Do you have the one religion?
- No, there's not. There are several.
- Did you choose the devil?
'Cause it sounds like I caught you.
[laughs] Well, fine.
[line trilling]
This is Satan. I hear I live here.
- Oh, [bleep] off and die.
- You wish, girl.
[upbeat music]
[line trilling]
- Hello. This is Jen. How can I help you?
- Hi, I was wondering if you guys
could do me a favor.
I'm a regular at the ice cream shop.
I been coming there for a long time.
Is there any way I could use your refrigerator for--
My refrigerator is out and I got some meat.
Some cold cuts that are gonna go bad.
- We can't right now share things with cakes.
- Yeah, I know.
I just need a little spot in the corner.
- We're not able to 'cause we have
the delivery also coming in. - The meat's flat.
It's gonna fit. You know what I mean?
It's not like it's--it's--it's blown up.
It's not like a balloon,
but I could just put them right on top of the cakes.
It's just, you know, it's like a pound of baloney
and you know, some salami and American cheese,
but it's star--it's starting to go bad.
- I'm sorry.
We can't do that, sir. - Why?
I could just tuck it in the corner.
- Well, because of the business, sir.
We can't put your-- your sandwich meats
on top of our cakes.
There's also like cross-contamination.
Even if it's not raw meat, we can't do that.
- No, but it's--it's wrapped up though.
It's not like it's out in the open.
- Uh, no. We're not really able to do that, sir.
- I don't understand. I'm a regular there.
I mean I'm--you know, I just need it for a few hours.
My power's out. The stuff started to turn green.
- We can't do that.
I understand that you're a regular,
but we can't do that for you. I'm sorry.
- This meat is expensive.
It's gonna go bad. - I know.
Sorry, you can't just use our freezer, sir.
I don't know what else to tell you.
- Look, I can wrap it in my sock,
so won't even get on the cakes.
- Again, there's nothing we can do for you. I'm sorry.
- But I--you could even have
one of the sandwiches if you want.
You can make a sandwich for yourself.
I'm not gonna say anything.
- It's not for customer use.
It's only for the store use. - Okay.
But even with the meat, you could use it for toppings,
maybe on some of your ice cream,
you know, like a Bologna Sundae or something like that.
- I'm sorry there's other customers here.
I have to hang up. I don't wanna be rude,
but we do have other customers here.
- No, I am--I'm busy too. I'm busy too.
I mean, I got shit to do.
[line clicks]
[line trilling]
- Hello, ice cream shop. How can I help you?
- Hi, this is Bobby. We just talked on the phone.
- Sir, again, please do not call the store.
We're not gonna let you use our freezer.
- No, this--I--look, I know you can say it over the phone.
You know what I mean?
Now you can say you'll take the meat.
So I'll just leave it right outside the door for you.
You could just put it in there.
I'm right around the corner, anyway. I'm in an Uber.
[line clicks]
[line trilling]
- Ice cream shop. How can I help you?
- Just wanna let you know I left the meat
right outside the door
so you could just pick it up anytime.
- We're not taking your meat, okay? Thank you.
- No. But I left it dangling
on the edge of the garbage can outside
so you could just take it right off of there.
- We're gonna throw it out. - Why? It's--
- Because like we're not doing this.
- But it's still good.
- We--we're no--we're not--
we're not taking your stuff.
- Look, I--I took it out of the paper
so it wouldn't take up so much space.
So it will be easy for you guys.
- No, we're not taking it in. That's like the end of it.
- The garbage can which can was just cleaned.
So it's not like it's gonna be dirty meat
that you guys are gonna put in there.
- No, sorry. This is getting weird, okay? Thank you.
- Why is it getting weird? How could you be so heartless?
[rock music]
- Do you think that security guard guys
would sleep in a room with me? Is that something possible?
- I'm gonna have to have someone to talk to you, Craig.
I--I don't know. I'm sorry.
- All right. Thanks so much. I appreciate.
She also hates being tickled.
Just maybe put that in the file.
- First name's Craig,
C-R-A-I-G. Last name's Pullin.
[line trills]
- Thank you for calling [bleep] Protection. How may I help you?
- Yeah, this is Craig and I need security.
What is your name? - My name is [bleep].
What's your phone number, Craig?
- My phone number's 212-[bleep]-2176.
- Do you have an email address as well?
- Yeah. Actually, I don't have
an email--it's my mom's email address that I use.
- That's okay.
- My problem though is I need security from my mom.
What is--what is--what would that cost me
if I were just to get some prote--tection
from--from someone who's already in my house
which seems like the protective people have to be in my house.
- I--I don't know pricing.
I'll have to have someone call you back and, you know--
- It's kind of an emergency. I saw her squirt lemons
into my hot tea, so she's clearly trying
to burn my vocal chords or something,
and she ab--and she abuses me with her words all the time.
- Okay. - All right?
- Yeah. I'll--I'll forward this message
and have someone call you back. - Do they have--
- Thank you. - Do they have guns?
You know what? The security guards you have?
- Some do. I don't know if all, but...
- Okay. - Yeah, they definitely--
some of them have guns, yes. - I need some guns.
They've got to bring guns 'cause my mom--she's
a very strong person, surprisingly strong
and I'm--I'm worried if they don't have guns
that--that they won't work
and she'll beat up all the security guards.
- All right.
- My mom's only afraid of roller coasters,
so you better be some serious secu--curity.
- All right. Yeah, I'll have someone call you back. Thanks.
- All right. That's--All right. Thanks so much.
I--I appreciate. Do you think
the security guard guys would sleep in a room with me?
Is that something possible?
- I'm gonna have to have someone to talk to you, Craig.
I--I don't know. I'm sorry. - All right. Thanks so much.
I appreciate. She also hates being tickled.
Just maybe put that in the file.
- Okay. - All right. Thanks so much.
- I'll note it down for you. Thanks.
- All right. Have a great day. Bye.
- Thanks. Bye.
[line trills]
- Thank you for calling [bleep] Protection. How may I help you?
- It's Craig real quick.
I need you to put some note in my--in the file
that you are sending off.
I need to see if they--one, if they will take care of pets.
I'm in my--my closet right now because I'm hiding from my mom.
That's how serious this is.
- Okay. - Could you--
I'm putting you on speaker.
Could you tell my mom I'm not doing anything wrong?
Just say, "Craig, wasn't doing anything wrong."
- Craig's doing okay. - Could you say again?
You're on speaker.
- Yeah. Craig just gave us--gave us a phone call.
- Yeah. No, I wasn't doing anything wrong.
- Yeah, Craig, you weren't--Craig
was not doing anything wrong.
He just gave us a phone call. Thank you.
- That's what I was doing, mom. It's one of my friends.
You're my--my friend, right, [bleep]?
- Yeah, Craig.
- I was not calling a security place.
I was just calling my friend. So that's how that was.
Right, [bleep]?
He's a shy person. [laughs]
- What's the highest score one of your students
has gotten on the SATs?
- It looks like we've had somebody
that gotten a 1,350 on the SAT.
- That's embarrassing.
Huey Lewis got a perfect 2,000 and he was stoned off his ass.
[upbeat music]
[line trilling] - [bleep] Class Tutoring.
This is Steven. - Steven, name's Birchum.
You guys do the SAT prep?
- Yes, we do.
- Okay.
I got gals. I got twins. Do you guys handle twins?
- In what--like in what way?
Like--'cause we do tutoring one-on-one,
so if you're looking for something for them
to do it together, we would still
do separate sessions, if that's what you're asking.
- Well, now see, here's the rub.
They're conjoined twins.
So they're--they're together all the time.
- All right. Have they taken the SAT before?
- Well, they took the PSAT,
and then I noticed the one Cheryl-Ann,
that--that'd be to your right if you're facing them.
She--she cheats off Lily.
That--that would be through the left
if you're facing-- if you're facing them.
So the one is cheating off the other.
I'm not going for that.
I got to figure out a way to get some sort of division
or screen or duvetyne or some sort of curtain,
bath curtain or something in between them
so the one is studying
and not looking at the other one's paper.
Could you facilitate something like that?
- I'd have to think about it a little bit.
I--we could probably come up with something.
- Well, these kids don't have anything except
for the three-foot of flesh that connects them.
But other--other than that,
there's a normal as the day is long.
As a matter of fact, you couldn't tell
they had anything if you just spoke to them over the phone.
So, of course, you know,
if one of them needs to take a bathroom break,
well, obviously the other one's got to go to.
So, you know, we couldn't stagger that.
- Yeah.
- What's the highest score
one your students has gotten on the SATs?
- I think we've had somebody--it looks like
we've had somebody that gotten a 1,350 on the SAT.
- That's embarrassing.
Huey Lewis got a perfect 2,000 and he was stoned off his ass.
- Wow.
- What's you're saying to me with your 1,350
you're like saying, "Oh, I run a camp for baseball
and the highest batting average
we've ever had out of here is .141."
- I'm just--I'm waiting for you to sell me something.
- I'm selling you conjoined twins
coming to your facility to study.
- And where are we located? - I didn't call to be quizzed
on Salt Lake City, douche. You tutor in math?
- Yes.
- What's 21 times 21?
I didn't think so, son?
- 441. - All right, great.
You got hold of your iPhone.
Did you go to college, son?
- I did.
- Junior college?
- No, University of Alabama.
- Jesus Christ.
If I were your parents, I'd be pissed.
- Yeah. Well.
- They spent all that money sending you to Alabama.
It's four-year degree, drinking Mickey's Big Mouth,
ripping bong loads, making fun of the president,
then you ended up in Utah, going home every night.
No girl pulling your pod?
- I'm far from home.
- Did you know that Chuck Woolery
got an 1,850 on his SATs?
- Yeah. I'm sorry that I don't know--don't know celebrities'
SAT scores.
- Do you know Mark Wahlberg and Donnie Wahlberg
both got higher than 1,350?
- It's out of--it's out of 1,600 now.
It's not--it's not on the previous scale.
- Yeah.
Well, guess who got 2,000 when it was out of 2,000?
Huey goddamn Lewis. - But--
Don't give me your sliding scale bullshit, son.
I didn't just fall off a cabbage truck.
[cocks gun, fires]
- A lot of lonely hearts out there.
- Okay. What kind of bird are you looking for?
- Do you have a bird with Megan Rapinoe cut,
with the blonde in the middle and the purple on the sides?
I'm reading--I'm on it reading right now.
- What kind of bird is that?
'Cause I've never heard of that.
- It's a lesbian-friendly bird.
[upbeat music]
[line trilling]
- Bird Time, may I help you?
- Hi, my name is Shasta and I just--
I just had a bird that passed away
and I was looking to purchase another bird.
And I wanted to talk to you guys
about the stock that you have there.
- We don't have a lot. What are you looking for?
- I'm a lesbian, and I want actually a LGBTQ bird
preferably beautiful rainbow feathers.
And I--I don't want it
to be too judgmental of me and my wife's lifestyle.
- A bird is not gonna be judgmental.
- The last bird that we had, it judged me and my wife
when we would do things like kiss,
when we would scissor,
and I really did not appreciate that.
- Okay. What kind of bird are you looking for?
What is the type?
- You have a bird with Megan Rapinoe
cut with the blonde in the middle
and the purple on the sides?
I'm reading--I'm on it reading it right now.
- What kind of bird is that?
'Cause I've never heard of that.
- It's a lesbian-friendly bird.
- Never even heard of it.
- Well, it says here
that you have birds that had Birkenstocks?
- What are you talking about?
- I'm--ma'am, I'm reading it on your website right now.
- No, you're not. - I am.
- No, you're not. - I want a lesbian bird,
but I--I--I would completely embrace a--a gay bird,
a bi-bird, a trans-bird, a queer bird.
I'm--I'm--I'm--I--you-- I'm telling you--
- I've never even met-- I've never even met
a billion or gay bird.
- Ma'am, you are--I feel like you're getting
very agitated with me
and I am just going off of-- look, I have this site,
it tells me about gay-friendly places
where I can purchase animals and full clothing.
And you guys came up on that list,
so I thought that I would get better service here.
- Right. You can--you can come in here, absolutely.
Our birds are not judgmental,
neither are people that work here.
But I can't tell to you, you know,
if a bird is gonna like you or it's not.
It's gonna be how you raise it.
- Oh. - Yeah.
But if you get an older bird, older birds
do have some precondition behaviors already.
- Oh, yeah. My uncle had a bird that hated Jews,
and we had to put it down.
- Okay.
- Listen, I made the mistake once, okay?
I adopted a Maine Coon. Do you know what that is?
- A cat. - Yes.
And only--it's not just a cat.
It's one of the biggest cats out there.
And every single time I put "The L Word" on it screeched.
And I can't have that happen with my bird.
- Well, I don't know what to tell you.
I really don't. Get a baby and train it how you want it.
- All right. Okay. Let's talk about price then.
Let's do something a little simpler.
The gold star lesbian birds would start off at how much?
- We don't carry lesbian birds. I don't know what that kind is.
I'm not trying to be judgmental.
I'm really, really not.
I don't care if you're purple with pink polka dots.
I'm just trying to figure out what kind of bird--
- You know what? I don't appreciate that.
I got a Chihuahua with purple and pink polka dots.
Can I get your manager on the phone?
- He's the owner and he's not here right now.
He'll be here first thing tomorrow morning.
I can even leave your number if you would like to call back.
- Okay. Well, this is the only store that said that your birds
won't be, you know, crazy towards me and my family.
- But they are not. They are not.
- Like the "Times"-- the "Times Magazine."
Okay. Okay.
Like, I'm just letting you know, like the facts.
- That's right. - The "Times Magazine"
rated birds the most homophobic pets
the last three years in a row.
So I definitely need to be careful.
- Never have I had a customer
come through here and experience that.
- You're sure?
- I promise you. - Okay.
- Why would a bird care? Why would a bird care?
- Well, that's-- well, that's the thing.
That's what your expertise come in.
I'm just calling to make sure I'm coming to the right place.
Like on your website, you guys are doing
LGBTQ discounts on your birds, correct?
- What website are you on? Tell me your website.
- I'm on your website right now, ma'am.
- What is it? - Hold up. Let me get to it.
Jeez.
It's on gaybirds.org.
- That is not us. - Bird Time.
- That is our store. - Exactly.
Are you in front of a computer right now?
You should type it in.
- I'm not. - Birdtime.org.
- I know our store website. Yes.
- All right. Well, there is a link and it says,
"Gay-friendly pets."
- Okay. Well, if you want,
I'll have the owner call you tomorrow.
- All right. Well, you just tell the owner
that I need a bird
that wouldn't wanna be around any dicks at all.
- Okay. Well, good luck with it.
- And you can also tell him
that if the bird doesn't like Ellen,
I'm bringing the bird back. Okay?
- Uh-huh. Bye. [line clicks]
[upbeat music]
- Look at that.
- MTV