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[touch tones beeping]
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[line trills]
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[phones ringing]
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[upbeat music]
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[children singing]
Come one, come all
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'Cause we're having a ball
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We're just making
some calls to strangers
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We're back on the cell
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And the world's
gone to hell
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But you're gonna
feel swell
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When they pick up
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From New York to Alabammer
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They'll probably wanna
throw our ass in the slammer
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'Cause we're disturbing others
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Maybe even your mother
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Won't you join
the Crank Yankers tonight?
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- "Crank Yankers."
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- [laughs]
[line trilling]
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- Thanks for calling [bleep].
How may I help you?
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- My name is Marie.
How are you doing today?
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- I'm good. Thanks.
How are you?
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- Oh, just great. Thanks.
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So I wanted to run
something by you.
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I think your store is really,
really interesting.
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And I wanted to know
if you'd be willing
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to come to my Sunday school
and do, like, a presentation.
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- Your Sunday school
and do a presentation?
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- Yeah, because I was looking
at the kind of books
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and periodicals that you sell.
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And I think it's really
interesting that this would be
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a great time
for you guys to make a pivot
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to selling and promoting books
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that have a positive message
about the Lord.
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- I'm sorry.
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You just went from us
carrying different books
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than what we carry
to making a presentation
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to your Sunday school.
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- Yes.
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- What do you--what is it
that you're calling about?
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I'm--I'm confused.
You just went from one subject
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to the other and
kind of lost me in the dust.
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- Oh, well, I was just noticing
that some of the things
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that you sell at the store
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do not seem
particularly godlike,
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and I just thought it would be
a great opportunity for us
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to all get together
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and you could talk
to the children about how maybe
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that could be a great time
for you to pivot your products.
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- I appreciate your input,
but I don't own the place,
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and I'm really not the person
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to be speaking
to about such things.
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- Oh, is it something
you've been wanting to talk
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to the owner about for a while?
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- Is it something what?
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- You've been wanting to talk
to the owner about for a while?
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- No. Absolutely not. You--
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- 'Cause I'm telling you,
if I was working there too,
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I'd be thinking,
"Oh, my goodness,
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am I doing the devil's work
or the Lord's work?"
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And I'd be thinking,
"Gosh [inaudible]."
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- Oh, honey,
I don't think that at all.
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So, you know,
maybe you should send an email
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because these are not things
I'm thinking at all.
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- But I think we can--
- Oh, if you wanna go to the
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look at website,
you can certainly
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send an email to the owner.
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- Well, luckily, Jesus didn't
say that to his flock or else
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we all be at a website.
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- Well, you have
a fabulous day, my dear.
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Thank you.
- Aha!
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caught you,
devil worshipper.
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[line trilling]
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- Thanks for calling [bleep].
- Hi. I--I'm 12 years old.
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Do you have books
that are for young people too?
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- I'm sorry, say that again.
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- Do you have books
for young people too?
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- No, not really.
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- Do you have books
about the Lord?
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- We do have books on
Western religions
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and Eastern religions.
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- Okay. What titles do
you have about the Lord?
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- Ohh, Hold on.
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Just to name a few,
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I have "All the Apostles of the
Bible," "Life and Teachings"
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"of Jesus and Mary,"
"Saint Watching,"
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"The Gospels According
to Jesus,"
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and "The Last Days
of the New Testament."
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- Oh, okay. I read those.
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Now, when you say
Eastern and Western,
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don't those conflict?
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That sound confusing.
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- We don't choose the books
that we carry.
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We try to cater
to all different religions.
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- Oh, different religions?
- Yes.
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- There's just one?
Do you have the one religion?
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- No, there's not.
There are several.
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- Did you choose the devil?
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'Cause it sounds like
I caught you.
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[laughs] Well, fine.
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[line trilling]
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This is Satan.
I hear I live here.
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- Oh, [bleep] off and die.
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- You wish, girl.
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[upbeat music]
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[line trilling]
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- Hello. This is Jen.
How can I help you?
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- Hi, I was wondering
if you guys
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could do me a favor.
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I'm a regular
at the ice cream shop.
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I been coming there
for a long time.
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Is there any way I could use
your refrigerator for--
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My refrigerator
is out and I got some meat.
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Some cold cuts
that are gonna go bad.
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- We can't right now
share things with cakes.
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- Yeah, I know.
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I just need a little spot
in the corner.
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- We're not able to 'cause
we have
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the delivery also coming in.
- The meat's flat.
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It's gonna fit.
You know what I mean?
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It's not like
it's--it's--it's blown up.
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It's not like a balloon,
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but I could just put them
right on top of the cakes.
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It's just, you know,
it's like a pound of baloney
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and you know, some salami
and American cheese,
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but it's star--it's
starting to go bad.
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- I'm sorry.
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We can't do that, sir.
- Why?
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I could just tuck it
in the corner.
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- Well, because
of the business, sir.
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We can't put your--
your sandwich meats
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on top of our cakes.
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There's also like
cross-contamination.
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Even if it's not raw meat,
we can't do that.
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- No, but it's--it's wrapped
up though.
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It's not like
it's out in the open.
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- Uh, no. We're not really
able to do that, sir.
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- I don't understand.
I'm a regular there.
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I mean I'm--you know,
I just need it for a few hours.
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My power's out. The stuff
started to turn green.
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- We can't do that.
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I understand
that you're a regular,
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but we can't do that for you.
I'm sorry.
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- This meat is expensive.
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It's gonna go bad.
- I know.
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Sorry, you can't just
use our freezer, sir.
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I don't know
what else to tell you.
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- Look, I can wrap it
in my sock,
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so won't even get on the cakes.
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- Again, there's nothing
we can do for you. I'm sorry.
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- But I--you could even have
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one of the sandwiches
if you want.
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You can make a sandwich
for yourself.
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I'm not gonna say anything.
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- It's not for customer use.
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It's only for the store use.
- Okay.
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But even with the meat,
you could use it for toppings,
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maybe on
some of your ice cream,
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you know, like a Bologna Sundae
or something like that.
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- I'm sorry there's
other customers here.
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I have to hang up.
I don't wanna be rude,
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but we do have
other customers here.
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- No, I am--I'm busy too.
I'm busy too.
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I mean, I got shit to do.
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[line clicks]
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[line trilling]
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- Hello, ice cream shop.
How can I help you?
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- Hi, this is Bobby.
We just talked on the phone.
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- Sir, again,
please do not call the store.
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We're not gonna let you
use our freezer.
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- No, this--I--look, I know
you can say it over the phone.
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You know what I mean?
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Now you can say
you'll take the meat.
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So I'll just leave it
right outside the door for you.
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You could just put it in there.
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I'm right around the corner,
anyway. I'm in an Uber.
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[line clicks]
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[line trilling]
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- Ice cream shop.
How can I help you?
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- Just wanna let you know
I left the meat
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right outside the door
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so you could just
pick it up anytime.
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- We're not taking your meat,
okay? Thank you.
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- No. But I left it dangling
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on the edge of the garbage
can outside
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so you could just take it
right off of there.
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- We're gonna throw it out.
- Why? It's--
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- Because like
we're not doing this.
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- But it's still good.
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- We--we're no--we're not--
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we're not
taking your stuff.
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- Look, I--I took it
out of the paper
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so it wouldn't take up
so much space.
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So it will be easy
for you guys.
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- No, we're not taking it in.
That's like the end of it.
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- The garbage can which
can was just cleaned.
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So it's not like
it's gonna be dirty meat
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that you guys
are gonna put in there.
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- No, sorry. This is getting
weird, okay? Thank you.
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- Why is it getting weird?
How could you be so heartless?
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[rock music]
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- Do you think that security
guard guys
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would sleep in a room with me?
Is that something possible?
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- I'm gonna have to have
someone to talk to you, Craig.
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I--I don't know. I'm sorry.
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- All right. Thanks so much.
I appreciate.
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She also hates being tickled.
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Just maybe put
that in the file.
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- First name's Craig,
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C-R-A-I-G.
Last name's Pullin.
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[line trills]
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- Thank you for calling [bleep]
Protection. How may I help you?
212
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- Yeah, this is Craig
and I need security.
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What is your name?
- My name is [bleep].
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What's your phone number,
Craig?
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00:07:56,058 --> 00:08:00,896
- My phone number's
212-[bleep]-2176.
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00:08:00,963 --> 00:08:02,898
- Do you have an email
address as well?
217
00:08:02,965 --> 00:08:04,533
- Yeah. Actually, I don't have
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00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:09,205
an email--it's my mom's
email address that I use.
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00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:10,706
- That's okay.
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00:08:10,773 --> 00:08:14,577
- My problem though is I need
security from my mom.
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What is--what is--what
would that cost me
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if I were just to get
some prote--tection
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from--from someone
who's already in my house
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which seems like the protective
people have to be in my house.
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- I--I don't know pricing.
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I'll have to have someone
call you back and, you know--
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- It's kind of an emergency.
I saw her squirt lemons
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into my hot tea,
so she's clearly trying
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to burn
my vocal chords or something,
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and she ab--and she abuses me
with her words all the time.
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- Okay.
- All right?
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00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:47,543
- Yeah.
I'll--I'll forward this message
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and have someone call you back.
- Do they have--
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- Thank you.
- Do they have guns?
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You know what?
The security guards you have?
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00:08:53,182 --> 00:08:55,718
- Some do.
I don't know if all, but...
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- Okay.
- Yeah, they definitely--
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some of them have guns, yes.
- I need some guns.
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They've got to bring guns
'cause my mom--she's
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a very strong person,
surprisingly strong
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00:09:03,826 --> 00:09:05,761
and I'm--I'm worried
if they don't have guns
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that--that they won't work
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and she'll beat up
all the security guards.
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- All right.
245
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,035
- My mom's only afraid
of roller coasters,
246
00:09:13,102 --> 00:09:16,472
so you better be
some serious secu--curity.
247
00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:18,574
- All right. Yeah, I'll have
someone call you back. Thanks.
248
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,209
- All right. That's--All right.
Thanks so much.
249
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:21,711
I--I appreciate.
Do you think
250
00:09:21,777 --> 00:09:25,748
the security guard guys
would sleep in a room with me?
251
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,950
Is that something possible?
252
00:09:28,017 --> 00:09:29,618
- I'm gonna have to have
someone to talk to you, Craig.
253
00:09:29,685 --> 00:09:31,320
I--I don't know. I'm sorry.
- All right. Thanks so much.
254
00:09:31,387 --> 00:09:34,457
I appreciate.
She also hates being tickled.
255
00:09:34,523 --> 00:09:36,492
Just maybe put that
in the file.
256
00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:38,027
- Okay.
- All right. Thanks so much.
257
00:09:38,094 --> 00:09:39,528
- I'll note it down for you.
Thanks.
258
00:09:39,595 --> 00:09:42,598
- All right.
Have a great day. Bye.
259
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:44,767
- Thanks. Bye.
260
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,637
[line trills]
261
00:09:48,704 --> 00:09:51,040
- Thank you for calling [bleep]
Protection. How may I help you?
262
00:09:51,107 --> 00:09:52,775
- It's Craig real quick.
263
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,845
I need you to put some note
in my--in the file
264
00:09:55,911 --> 00:09:57,513
that you are sending off.
265
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,783
I need to see if they--one, if
they will take care of pets.
266
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:05,421
I'm in my--my closet right now
because I'm hiding from my mom.
267
00:10:05,488 --> 00:10:07,289
That's how serious this is.
268
00:10:07,323 --> 00:10:08,657
- Okay.
- Could you--
269
00:10:08,724 --> 00:10:10,126
I'm putting you on speaker.
270
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:11,494
Could you tell my mom
I'm not doing anything wrong?
271
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,497
Just say, "Craig,
wasn't doing anything wrong."
272
00:10:14,563 --> 00:10:17,767
- Craig's doing okay.
- Could you say again?
273
00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:19,201
You're on speaker.
274
00:10:19,301 --> 00:10:21,103
- Yeah. Craig just
gave us--gave us a phone call.
275
00:10:21,170 --> 00:10:23,939
- Yeah. No, I wasn't
doing anything wrong.
276
00:10:24,006 --> 00:10:24,940
- Yeah, Craig,
you weren't--Craig
277
00:10:25,007 --> 00:10:26,208
was not doing anything wrong.
278
00:10:26,308 --> 00:10:27,810
He just gave us a phone call.
Thank you.
279
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:30,479
- That's what I was doing, mom.
It's one of my friends.
280
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:32,481
You're my--my friend,
right, [bleep]?
281
00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:33,883
- Yeah, Craig.
282
00:10:33,949 --> 00:10:35,684
- I was not calling
a security place.
283
00:10:35,751 --> 00:10:38,854
I was just calling my friend.
So that's how that was.
284
00:10:38,921 --> 00:10:41,390
Right, [bleep]?
285
00:10:41,457 --> 00:10:45,728
He's a shy person.
[laughs]
286
00:10:45,795 --> 00:10:48,931
- What's the highest score
one of your students
287
00:10:48,998 --> 00:10:50,566
has gotten on the SATs?
288
00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:52,168
- It looks like
we've had somebody
289
00:10:52,268 --> 00:10:56,839
that gotten a 1,350 on the SAT.
290
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,841
- That's embarrassing.
291
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:03,145
Huey Lewis got a perfect 2,000
and he was stoned off his ass.
292
00:11:04,688 --> 00:11:08,525
[upbeat music]
293
00:11:08,591 --> 00:11:10,760
[line trilling]
- [bleep] Class Tutoring.
294
00:11:10,827 --> 00:11:13,196
This is Steven.
- Steven, name's Birchum.
295
00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:15,598
You guys do the SAT prep?
296
00:11:15,665 --> 00:11:18,301
- Yes, we do.
297
00:11:18,368 --> 00:11:20,437
- Okay.
298
00:11:20,503 --> 00:11:24,574
I got gals. I got twins.
Do you guys handle twins?
299
00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:27,644
- In what--like in what way?
300
00:11:27,711 --> 00:11:30,447
Like--'cause we do
tutoring one-on-one,
301
00:11:30,513 --> 00:11:32,649
so if you're looking
for something for them
302
00:11:32,716 --> 00:11:34,851
to do it together,
we would still
303
00:11:34,918 --> 00:11:38,722
do separate sessions,
if that's what you're asking.
304
00:11:38,788 --> 00:11:41,424
- Well, now see,
here's the rub.
305
00:11:41,491 --> 00:11:42,993
They're conjoined twins.
306
00:11:43,059 --> 00:11:46,763
So they're--they're together
all the time.
307
00:11:46,830 --> 00:11:50,700
- All right.
Have they taken the SAT before?
308
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:53,203
- Well, they took the PSAT,
309
00:11:53,269 --> 00:11:56,106
and then I noticed
the one Cheryl-Ann,
310
00:11:56,172 --> 00:12:01,678
that--that'd be to your right
if you're facing them.
311
00:12:01,745 --> 00:12:04,781
She--she cheats off Lily.
312
00:12:04,848 --> 00:12:06,349
That--that would be
through the left
313
00:12:06,416 --> 00:12:09,052
if you're facing--
if you're facing them.
314
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:12,188
So the one is
cheating off the other.
315
00:12:12,255 --> 00:12:13,857
I'm not going for that.
316
00:12:13,923 --> 00:12:17,160
I got to figure out a way
to get some sort of division
317
00:12:17,227 --> 00:12:20,930
or screen or duvetyne
or some sort of curtain,
318
00:12:20,997 --> 00:12:22,932
bath curtain
or something in between them
319
00:12:22,999 --> 00:12:24,601
so the one is studying
320
00:12:24,668 --> 00:12:27,337
and not looking at
the other one's paper.
321
00:12:27,404 --> 00:12:30,006
Could you facilitate
something like that?
322
00:12:30,073 --> 00:12:31,675
- I'd have to think
about it a little bit.
323
00:12:31,741 --> 00:12:34,210
I--we could probably
come up with something.
324
00:12:34,277 --> 00:12:36,680
- Well, these kids don't have
anything except
325
00:12:36,746 --> 00:12:39,616
for the three-foot of flesh
that connects them.
326
00:12:39,683 --> 00:12:40,950
But other--other than that,
327
00:12:41,017 --> 00:12:43,086
there's a normal
as the day is long.
328
00:12:43,153 --> 00:12:45,288
As a matter of fact,
you couldn't tell
329
00:12:45,355 --> 00:12:47,891
they had anything if you just
spoke to them over the phone.
330
00:12:47,958 --> 00:12:49,292
So, of course, you know,
331
00:12:49,359 --> 00:12:51,561
if one of them needs
to take a bathroom break,
332
00:12:51,628 --> 00:12:53,930
well, obviously the other one's
got to go to.
333
00:12:53,997 --> 00:12:55,999
So, you know,
we couldn't stagger that.
334
00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,233
- Yeah.
335
00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:59,336
- What's the highest score
336
00:12:59,402 --> 00:13:02,639
one your students
has gotten on the SATs?
337
00:13:02,706 --> 00:13:04,407
- I think we've had
somebody--it looks like
338
00:13:04,507 --> 00:13:10,413
we've had somebody
that gotten a 1,350 on the SAT.
339
00:13:10,513 --> 00:13:12,382
- That's embarrassing.
340
00:13:12,515 --> 00:13:17,787
Huey Lewis got a perfect 2,000
and he was stoned off his ass.
341
00:13:17,854 --> 00:13:19,322
- Wow.
342
00:13:19,389 --> 00:13:21,725
- What's you're saying to me
with your 1,350
343
00:13:21,791 --> 00:13:26,563
you're like saying,
"Oh, I run a camp for baseball
344
00:13:26,630 --> 00:13:28,264
and the highest batting average
345
00:13:28,331 --> 00:13:31,968
we've ever had
out of here is .141."
346
00:13:32,035 --> 00:13:35,138
- I'm just--I'm waiting for you
to sell me something.
347
00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:38,808
- I'm selling you
conjoined twins
348
00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:41,845
coming to your facility
to study.
349
00:13:41,911 --> 00:13:45,115
- And where are we located?
- I didn't call to be quizzed
350
00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:49,552
on Salt Lake City, douche.
You tutor in math?
351
00:13:49,552 --> 00:13:50,687
- Yes.
352
00:13:50,754 --> 00:13:54,291
- What's 21 times 21?
353
00:13:54,357 --> 00:13:56,559
I didn't think so, son?
354
00:13:56,626 --> 00:13:59,629
- 441.
- All right, great.
355
00:13:59,696 --> 00:14:01,865
You got hold of your iPhone.
356
00:14:01,931 --> 00:14:03,700
Did you go to college, son?
357
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:05,502
- I did.
358
00:14:05,568 --> 00:14:07,671
- Junior college?
359
00:14:07,737 --> 00:14:09,973
- No, University of Alabama.
360
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,675
- Jesus Christ.
361
00:14:11,741 --> 00:14:14,044
If I were your parents,
I'd be pissed.
362
00:14:14,110 --> 00:14:15,512
- Yeah. Well.
363
00:14:15,578 --> 00:14:18,548
- They spent all that money
sending you to Alabama.
364
00:14:18,615 --> 00:14:22,319
It's four-year degree,
drinking Mickey's Big Mouth,
365
00:14:22,385 --> 00:14:25,522
ripping bong loads,
making fun of the president,
366
00:14:25,588 --> 00:14:29,726
then you ended up in Utah,
going home every night.
367
00:14:29,793 --> 00:14:32,395
No girl pulling your pod?
368
00:14:32,529 --> 00:14:34,030
- I'm far from home.
369
00:14:34,097 --> 00:14:37,334
- Did you know
that Chuck Woolery
370
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,670
got an 1,850 on his SATs?
371
00:14:40,737 --> 00:14:44,541
- Yeah. I'm sorry that I don't
know--don't know celebrities'
372
00:14:44,607 --> 00:14:46,009
SAT scores.
373
00:14:46,076 --> 00:14:49,079
- Do you know Mark Wahlberg
and Donnie Wahlberg
374
00:14:49,145 --> 00:14:51,881
both got higher than 1,350?
375
00:14:51,948 --> 00:14:55,719
- It's out of--it's
out of 1,600 now.
376
00:14:55,785 --> 00:14:58,722
It's not--it's not on
the previous scale.
377
00:14:58,788 --> 00:15:00,123
- Yeah.
378
00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:04,194
Well, guess who got 2,000
when it was out of 2,000?
379
00:15:04,260 --> 00:15:06,262
Huey goddamn Lewis.
- But--
380
00:15:06,329 --> 00:15:09,899
Don't give me your
sliding scale bullshit, son.
381
00:15:09,966 --> 00:15:11,735
I didn't just fall off
a cabbage truck.
382
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:14,404
[cocks gun, fires]
383
00:15:14,504 --> 00:15:17,340
- A lot of
lonely hearts out there.
384
00:15:17,407 --> 00:15:19,943
- Okay. What kind of bird
are you looking for?
385
00:15:20,010 --> 00:15:22,345
- Do you have a bird
with Megan Rapinoe cut,
386
00:15:22,412 --> 00:15:24,848
with the blonde in the middle
and the purple on the sides?
387
00:15:24,914 --> 00:15:26,416
I'm reading--I'm on
it reading right now.
388
00:15:26,516 --> 00:15:27,751
- What kind of bird is that?
389
00:15:27,817 --> 00:15:29,219
'Cause I've never
heard of that.
390
00:15:29,285 --> 00:15:30,153
- It's a lesbian-friendly bird.
391
00:15:32,288 --> 00:15:35,291
[upbeat music]
392
00:15:35,357 --> 00:15:41,330
[line trilling]
393
00:15:41,397 --> 00:15:43,299
- Bird Time,
may I help you?
394
00:15:43,365 --> 00:15:45,834
- Hi, my name is Shasta
and I just--
395
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,136
I just had a bird
that passed away
396
00:15:47,202 --> 00:15:49,738
and I was looking
to purchase another bird.
397
00:15:49,805 --> 00:15:51,173
And I wanted to talk
to you guys
398
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,475
about the stock
that you have there.
399
00:15:54,944 --> 00:15:58,847
- We don't have a lot.
What are you looking for?
400
00:15:58,914 --> 00:16:03,886
- I'm a lesbian, and I want
actually a LGBTQ bird
401
00:16:03,953 --> 00:16:07,656
preferably
beautiful rainbow feathers.
402
00:16:07,723 --> 00:16:09,191
And I--I don't want it
403
00:16:09,258 --> 00:16:11,760
to be too judgmental of me
and my wife's lifestyle.
404
00:16:11,827 --> 00:16:13,562
- A bird is not
gonna be judgmental.
405
00:16:13,629 --> 00:16:16,098
- The last bird that we had,
it judged me and my wife
406
00:16:16,165 --> 00:16:17,533
when we would do things
like kiss,
407
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,701
when we would scissor,
408
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:20,736
and I really
did not appreciate that.
409
00:16:20,803 --> 00:16:23,539
- Okay. What kind of bird
are you looking for?
410
00:16:23,606 --> 00:16:24,740
What is the type?
411
00:16:24,807 --> 00:16:26,809
- You have a bird
with Megan Rapinoe
412
00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:28,410
cut with the blonde
in the middle
413
00:16:28,477 --> 00:16:29,845
and the purple on the sides?
414
00:16:29,912 --> 00:16:32,214
I'm reading--I'm on
it reading it right now.
415
00:16:32,281 --> 00:16:33,649
- What kind of bird is that?
416
00:16:33,716 --> 00:16:35,384
'Cause I've never
heard of that.
417
00:16:35,451 --> 00:16:37,586
- It's a lesbian-friendly bird.
418
00:16:37,653 --> 00:16:39,421
- Never even heard of it.
419
00:16:39,488 --> 00:16:40,723
- Well, it says here
420
00:16:40,789 --> 00:16:44,693
that you have birds
that had Birkenstocks?
421
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,395
- What are you talking about?
422
00:16:46,462 --> 00:16:49,398
- I'm--ma'am, I'm reading it
on your website right now.
423
00:16:49,465 --> 00:16:50,966
- No, you're not.
- I am.
424
00:16:51,033 --> 00:16:53,402
- No, you're not.
- I want a lesbian bird,
425
00:16:53,469 --> 00:16:56,805
but I--I--I would completely
embrace a--a gay bird,
426
00:16:56,872 --> 00:16:58,574
a bi-bird, a trans-bird,
a queer bird.
427
00:16:58,641 --> 00:17:00,442
I'm--I'm--I'm--I--you--
I'm telling you--
428
00:17:00,509 --> 00:17:03,145
- I've never even met--
I've never even met
429
00:17:03,145 --> 00:17:04,413
a billion or gay bird.
430
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,148
- Ma'am, you are--I feel like
you're getting
431
00:17:06,148 --> 00:17:07,549
very agitated with me
432
00:17:07,616 --> 00:17:10,419
and I am just going off of--
look, I have this site,
433
00:17:10,486 --> 00:17:12,922
it tells me
about gay-friendly places
434
00:17:12,988 --> 00:17:14,990
where I can purchase animals
and full clothing.
435
00:17:15,057 --> 00:17:17,393
And you guys came up
on that list,
436
00:17:17,459 --> 00:17:19,929
so I thought that I would
get better service here.
437
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:23,732
- Right. You can--you can
come in here, absolutely.
438
00:17:23,799 --> 00:17:25,868
Our birds are not judgmental,
439
00:17:25,935 --> 00:17:27,937
neither are people
that work here.
440
00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:29,805
But I can't tell to you,
you know,
441
00:17:29,872 --> 00:17:31,807
if a bird is gonna
like you or it's not.
442
00:17:31,874 --> 00:17:33,576
It's gonna be
how you raise it.
443
00:17:33,642 --> 00:17:35,244
- Oh.
- Yeah.
444
00:17:35,311 --> 00:17:38,714
But if you get
an older bird, older birds
445
00:17:38,781 --> 00:17:41,984
do have some precondition
behaviors already.
446
00:17:42,117 --> 00:17:44,119
- Oh, yeah. My uncle
had a bird that hated Jews,
447
00:17:44,186 --> 00:17:45,754
and we had to put it down.
448
00:17:45,821 --> 00:17:46,956
- Okay.
449
00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:49,291
- Listen, I made
the mistake once, okay?
450
00:17:49,358 --> 00:17:51,961
I adopted a Maine Coon.
Do you know what that is?
451
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:53,329
- A cat.
- Yes.
452
00:17:53,395 --> 00:17:54,763
And only--it's not just a cat.
453
00:17:54,830 --> 00:17:56,699
It's one of the biggest cats
out there.
454
00:17:56,765 --> 00:17:59,935
And every single time I put
"The L Word" on it screeched.
455
00:18:00,002 --> 00:18:03,505
And I can't have that happen
with my bird.
456
00:18:03,572 --> 00:18:05,541
- Well, I don't know
what to tell you.
457
00:18:05,608 --> 00:18:09,044
I really don't. Get a baby
and train it how you want it.
458
00:18:09,144 --> 00:18:10,813
- All right. Okay.
Let's talk about price then.
459
00:18:10,879 --> 00:18:12,481
Let's do something
a little simpler.
460
00:18:12,548 --> 00:18:14,883
The gold star lesbian birds
would start off at how much?
461
00:18:14,950 --> 00:18:18,187
- We don't carry lesbian birds.
I don't know what that kind is.
462
00:18:18,254 --> 00:18:19,722
I'm not trying
to be judgmental.
463
00:18:19,788 --> 00:18:21,357
I'm really, really not.
464
00:18:21,423 --> 00:18:22,958
I don't care if you're purple
with pink polka dots.
465
00:18:23,025 --> 00:18:24,326
I'm just trying to
figure out what kind of bird--
466
00:18:24,393 --> 00:18:25,928
- You know what?
I don't appreciate that.
467
00:18:25,995 --> 00:18:27,796
I got a Chihuahua with purple
and pink polka dots.
468
00:18:27,863 --> 00:18:29,365
Can I get your manager
on the phone?
469
00:18:29,431 --> 00:18:32,434
- He's the owner and
he's not here right now.
470
00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:34,103
He'll be here first thing
tomorrow morning.
471
00:18:34,103 --> 00:18:36,005
I can even leave your number
if you would like to call back.
472
00:18:36,105 --> 00:18:38,607
- Okay. Well, this is the only
store that said that your birds
473
00:18:38,674 --> 00:18:40,476
won't be, you know,
crazy towards me and my family.
474
00:18:40,542 --> 00:18:41,777
- But they are not.
They are not.
475
00:18:41,844 --> 00:18:43,112
- Like the "Times"--
the "Times Magazine."
476
00:18:43,178 --> 00:18:44,546
Okay. Okay.
477
00:18:44,613 --> 00:18:45,981
Like, I'm just letting
you know, like the facts.
478
00:18:46,115 --> 00:18:47,216
- That's right.
- The "Times Magazine"
479
00:18:47,283 --> 00:18:48,884
rated birds
the most homophobic pets
480
00:18:48,951 --> 00:18:50,286
the last three years in a row.
481
00:18:50,352 --> 00:18:52,688
So I definitely need
to be careful.
482
00:18:52,755 --> 00:18:53,989
- Never have I had a customer
483
00:18:54,123 --> 00:18:56,025
come through here
and experience that.
484
00:18:56,125 --> 00:18:57,326
- You're sure?
485
00:18:57,393 --> 00:18:59,695
- I promise you.
- Okay.
486
00:18:59,762 --> 00:19:03,198
- Why would a bird care?
Why would a bird care?
487
00:19:03,265 --> 00:19:04,700
- Well, that's--
well, that's the thing.
488
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:06,569
That's what your expertise
come in.
489
00:19:06,635 --> 00:19:08,837
I'm just calling to make sure
I'm coming to the right place.
490
00:19:08,904 --> 00:19:10,339
Like on your website,
you guys are doing
491
00:19:10,406 --> 00:19:13,509
LGBTQ discounts
on your birds, correct?
492
00:19:13,576 --> 00:19:16,745
- What website are you on?
Tell me your website.
493
00:19:16,812 --> 00:19:18,581
- I'm on your website
right now, ma'am.
494
00:19:18,647 --> 00:19:21,183
- What is it?
- Hold up. Let me get to it.
495
00:19:21,250 --> 00:19:22,685
Jeez.
496
00:19:22,751 --> 00:19:24,720
It's on gaybirds.org.
497
00:19:24,787 --> 00:19:27,156
- That is not us.
- Bird Time.
498
00:19:27,156 --> 00:19:28,924
- That is our store.
- Exactly.
499
00:19:28,991 --> 00:19:30,659
Are you in front
of a computer right now?
500
00:19:30,726 --> 00:19:31,827
You should type it in.
501
00:19:31,894 --> 00:19:34,263
- I'm not.
- Birdtime.org.
502
00:19:34,330 --> 00:19:36,265
- I know our store website.
Yes.
503
00:19:36,332 --> 00:19:38,400
- All right. Well, there is
a link and it says,
504
00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:39,702
"Gay-friendly pets."
505
00:19:39,768 --> 00:19:41,103
- Okay. Well, if you want,
506
00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:43,339
I'll have the owner
call you tomorrow.
507
00:19:43,405 --> 00:19:44,873
- All right.
Well, you just tell the owner
508
00:19:44,940 --> 00:19:46,375
that I need a bird
509
00:19:46,442 --> 00:19:49,211
that wouldn't wanna be
around any dicks at all.
510
00:19:49,278 --> 00:19:50,913
- Okay.
Well, good luck with it.
511
00:19:50,980 --> 00:19:52,414
- And you can also tell him
512
00:19:52,481 --> 00:19:53,849
that if the bird
doesn't like Ellen,
513
00:19:53,916 --> 00:19:55,684
I'm bringing the bird back.
Okay?
514
00:19:55,751 --> 00:19:57,419
- Uh-huh. Bye.
[line clicks]
515
00:19:57,486 --> 00:20:00,522
[upbeat music]
516
00:20:04,276 --> 00:20:07,309
{\an7}[upbeat music]
517
00:20:27,012 --> 00:20:28,616
{\an7}- Look at that.
518
00:20:30,144 --> 00:20:32,946
{\an7}- MTV