[touch tones beeping]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
’Cause we’re having a ball
\h\h\hWe’re just making some calls to strangers
We’re back on the cell
And the world’s \h\hgone to hell
But you’re gonna \h\h\hfeel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
\h\h\hThey’ll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
’Cause we’re disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
\h\h\h\h\h\hWon’t you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
- Oh, Mero, will someone pick up the phone?
- Hey, what's going on here?
[line trills]
- Hello, I'm [bleep].
- Hey, how you doing? Uh, my name's Sal Petruzulli.
I work down at the, uh, [bleep] in New York City.
Uh, I just wanna give you a heads-up.
Listen, there's been a-- there's been a, uh--
there's a situation going on here in New York.
I don't want it to spread over to New Jersey.
- Okay.
- Uh, there's kids running around vandalizing
the model trains in the area. - Yeah.
- It's been a thing that's been going on.
We think that it's gonna go across the bridge into Jersey.
We're just trying to give you guys a heads-up.
- Okay.
- They got us last night. - Okay.
- They stole the tiny coal out the tiny car.
- It's a--it's a disaster.
We don't know if the insurance is gonna cover it.
They're trying to make it like it's the goddamn '80s
all over again, and I said, "You know what?
"If this is the goddamn '80s, then call me Bernie Goetz
"'cause if I catch one of you little assholes
in the shop, I'm gonna-- you know what, I'm gonna"--
- Hey, calm down, calm down, Sal, Sal!
- I'm sorry. - Your Lipitor.
You're on the Lipitor. Come on.
Watch your blood pressure. Sorry, Jack, go ahead.
- Yes, so they're coming in the store
and they're damaging things.
Is that what you're saying?
- Yeah, they're vandalizing--
they're vandalizing the display.
They're spray-painting little things on the car,
little Wite-Out on the car.
I don't know if they're tiny kids,
if they're big kids with tiny hands.
We try--have you had any issues?
- I'm sorry, what?
- Have you had any issues?
- Hold--hold on a second.
I'm in the middle of checking somebody out, okay?
I'll be back with you.
- Jeez Louise, they stole the baby Jesus
out the nativity scene.
Oh, these kids. - They did?
Oh, nuh-uh. - Come on.
- Madone, come on. - Jesus.
- They drew a penis on his face!
Oh, my God.
They drew a braciola on top of Matt.
- This train smells like pee. You think they peed on it?
- [sniffs] - Okay, I'm back.
- Jack's back, okay. - Oh, amazing.
Thank you, Jack.
We just wanted to give you a heads-up.
- Sure, yeah.
- 'Cause it's happening to us here in New York City,
and it's a goddamn shame.
- Okay, so they're coming in and put--marking up cars?
Is that it?
- I don't know, I think it's the--the guy
that does the--the--the odd stuff, the Banky guy.
Banky? - Oh, yeah, that guy.
- Okay.
- Yeah, so the guy breaks into our store,
and then he puts little--little homeless people
in the trains.
- Like it's, like, a political statement or something...
- Yeah. - Or some sort of statement
or, like, a--like, a-- - Yeah.
- I don't know.
- Okay, we'll watch-- watch for him,
and we haven't had a problem here so far, so...
Now, beyond that, I don't know what to tell you.
Somebody's coming around doing this.
- Do us a favor and just tell other stores--
you know, get on the phone, and just let other people know
what's going on 'cause we don't want anyone else
in the community to get hit the same way we got hit.
- You know?
- We gotta all look out for each other.
- All right, appreciate it.
- Appreciate you, brother. You know?
We're--we're choo-choo. We're the choo-choo crew.
We gotta stick together, brother.
- That's it, yes.
- Are you part of the choo-choo crew?
- Yes. - You know what--
you know what it says, you know what I'm saying?
From the conductor to the engineer,
it takes a crew to run a train, you know?
Brother, get aboard. - That's right.
We run trains everywhere!
- I been running trains since 1980!
I remember I ran a train with Liza Minnelli,
Drew Barrymore, and Michael Jackson.
- That's right! - Studio 54.
both: Remember that?
- Okay. - All right?
You gotta be part-- you gotta be part of the train.
- Choo-choo crew, you know how we do!
- Okay.
- "Choo-choo crew" on three. Let's go, come on.
One, two, three.
Choo-choo crew! - Choo-choo crew!
- I would love to hear it, man, from you,
'cause--'cause, you know, you're giving us hope here.
- Okay, I got a whole bunch of people here right now.
- Just--just one "choo-choo crew," Jack.
Come on, real quick, just bang it out.
- Just give me one "choo-choo crew," brother.
- Okay, choo-- one choo-choo crew, how's that?
- Ey, come on, ey! - There, you go--ey, Jackie!
- Okay. - You made our day, brother.
- Have as many trains as you want, all right?
I hope you run as many trains as you do.
All right, do your thing, Jack. - Run all the trains!
- Okay, you too. - All right, choo-choo crew!
- Okay. - All right, choo-choo crew.
- Bye-bye.
[line clicks] [laughter]
[upbeat music]
[jazzy music]
[line trills]
- [bleep] Wellness Center, this is [bleep].
- Hello, darling. What's your name?
- This is [bleep].
- I'm calling, uh,
because I want to offer my services.
- Okay, what kind of services are you trying to offer us?
- I'm an artist,
and I want to teach a drawing class
for the old people.
- Well, that's very nice, but we're closed.
- I like to draw,
and so I was wanting to have a drawing class
of life figures.
In other words, nude models.
- Our facility is closed.
- What I would like to do
is, I would like to make a circle
with the old people and some pads
and some charcoal pencils...
- Okay, I understand what you would like to do,
but we are closed.
There's nobo-- there's nobody here.
- In the center of the circle would be a nude.
- Okay, but there's nobody here.
- I'll get--don't worry.
I'll get somebody to come.
I'll get--I'll find one of my models.
- No, you can't--
nobody comes into our center except the staff.
- Well, what about the staff?
Maybe that could be nice--
- No, we're not interested. We're here working.
- Have you ever heard about trying to,
you know, live for the moment?
- We work.
- You people do a beautiful job over there.
- And we don't have time to sit around and draw circles
with nude people in 'em.
- Well, no, they don't-- you don't draw the circles.
You draw the nude people.
In other words--
- Okay, we're not-- we're not interested
in your services, sir.
- I used to be able to draw naked ladies from memory.
- Well, good for you.
- My memory's not so good no more,
and so I need to get the models in there.
- We're not interested in your services,
and nobody around here's gonna pose nude for you in--
in order to refresh your memory
as to what a nude body looks like, okay?
- But, darling, what about you? Have you ever been--
- Are you kidding?
What rock did you crawl out from under?
- And I'll tell you something-- - Not interested.
Listen, repeat after me.
Repeat after me. Not interested.
- Are you not--so you're not interested in this here?
- No, we're not interested, okay?
- And what about the rest of the people there?
Maybe they want-- - We're not interested.
- Sometimes I will get nude and draw myself in the mirror.
- You get whatever you want and draw whatever you want.
Look in the mirror, draw your nude body,
just we are not interested, okay?
- What if I were to come over there and show you my drawings?
- No, don't bother us. Don't come over here.
We're not interested.
- If we did it from far away, everybody could--
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
What don't you understand?
No!
- I'm sorry, darling, I just--
- You have a good day. We're not interested.
You have a good day, okay? [line clicks]
- Let's call her back again one more time.
[line trills]
- [bleep] Wellness Center,
and we didn't get cut off.
I hung up on you, okay?
- Darling, I think we got cut off.
- Okay? No, we did not get cut off.
I hung up on you.
You need to find somebody else to bug, okay?
- Oh, this is my final--
- Nobody's gonna--nobody is gonna pose nude
for you to draw their pictures.
- And I come by your place, then,
and I'll show you my drawings, and I'll bring you--
- I don't want to see your drawings.
Don't come by here and bug me.
- I'm drawing you right now.
I'm imagining you.
- Oh... [line clicks]
- [laughs]
[snorts]
- It's just a little bit troubling
because my, um--
It's, again, so embarrassing,
but my, um, kind of vagina and anus...
- Yeah. - Uh, have gone kind of numb,
but then both of my legs kind of feel like--
like they're on fire.
- You might have to call 911.
[upbeat music]
[line trills]
- [bleep], this is Audrey.
- Oh, good, hi. Hi, Audrey. - Hi.
- Um, I'm calling with a--a bit of a...issue
that I was hoping you could help me with.
- Sure.
- I came to your gym a couple of months ago,
which--and I just--I was-- - Uh-huh.
- I--I experienced the silks--the silks workout,
which I just really enjoyed so much.
- Good.
- I tried to install my own kind of set of homemade silks
in my house, and, um...
- Right.
- I--[chuckles] This is so embarrassing.
Um, I'm--I'm caught in them.
- Oh, that's happened to me before.
Is there anybody that you can yell for?
- Well, no, unfortunately, I live on my own,
and it's just, uh, kind of my cat,
who keeps kind of waving at me from the ground, um...
[laughs] Who can't really, you know, help me out too much.
Um, so... - Okay, uh--
- I was--I was wondering maybe if you had any tips or tricks
to get out of this bind.
- Oh, my gosh, um, you have to get the tension off,
so if you can pull yourself up.
- It's--it's just a little bit troubling
because my, um--
It's, again, so embarrassing,
but my, um, kind of vagina and anus...
- Yeah. - Uh, have gone kind of numb,
but then both of my legs kind of feel like--
like they're on fire.
- Oh, my God. You might have to call 911.
- I mean, I don't want to trouble them.
I don't want to--you know, this is just so embarrassing,
I don't want to have--
- You also don't want to cut the circulation off.
- I do have--I mean, if only I could reach it,
I do have kind of, like, a small chain saw
that my boyfriend left behind when he left, um...
- Right. You be careful with that.
- I will.
I'm just gonna try and swing over a little bit to the--
Whoa, ah. [cat meowing]
Oh, shoot, it's just out of my--
it's just out of my reach.
- Is there a chair--is there a chair or anything nearby?
- There--there isn't, and I just--
I just realized that I attached my--part of the silks
to the ceiling fan, and it's scheduled to go on
at about 2:45 or something like that.
And I c--I can't be in that situation
'cause I can't be whirling about all over the place
with my vagina numb and--
and--and--and my legs that are on fire
and my cat just watching this, you know?
- Right, yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. What about your boyfriend?
- [crying] He went to Las Vegas to see Cirque du Soleil.
But the whole reason I got into the silks
was so I could impress him.
- Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.
- He says I live the life of a chimpanzee
and that I wasn't a professional,
and so that's why he went.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Do you think I could just chew myself out of here?
- You've got to be able to pull yourself up.
- I think the fan's about to turn on--oh, boy.
- Um, give me your address. Let me see what I can do.
[timer beeps] - Oh, here I go. Here--
Audrey, the fan's just whipping--
just whipping around.
- All right, get--
- Just whipping, whip--
- Need your address.
- Whipping around.
[fabric tears] Whoa!
[glass shatters] - Oh, my God!
- Audrey?
- Yes. - Audrey, I'm--I'm out.
I'm out. - Are you?
- I'm out, yes.
- Oh, that's-- - [laughs]
I'm out.
The fan just whirled me right out of the--
I...I look amazing. I look--I look amazing.
- Okay, good. Okay.
- The life is coming back to my vagina.
[laughs] And I just--
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna name my vagina after you, Audrey.
- [laughs] No, please don't.
- Thank you. I am eternally in your debt.
- All right, you take care.
- Forever grateful. Goodbye.
Guys, we have to send flowers to that lady.
- You got this driver
that he comes through once a couple months,
and his name is Reggie.
He's driving a big ole rig.
- What are you getting at?
- He always comes--it's not sexual harassment
'cause I like it. - Right.
- And he ain't never asked me out.
[upbeat music]
[line trills]
- Good afternoon. \h\h\hTruck stop.
\h\hThis is Di. Can I help you?
\h\h\h- Hey, Di, so yeah, I’m coming through there
about once every two weeks now \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon a long haul,
and, uh, I’m a lady trucker.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yep. - There ain’t too many of us,
and, uh, you got this driver \h\h\h\hthat he comes through
\honce a couple months, and his name is Reggie.
He’s driving a big ole rig.
Uh, it’s red and, uh--
- Honey, I can’t--we don’t know \h\h\h\h\h\hwhat color--I mean,
what are you getting at?
- What I’m getting at is, \h\h\h\hhe always comes--
it’s not sexual harassment \h\h\h\h\h’cause I like it.
He’s always commenting on my rig, my mudflaps.
- Right.
- And he ain’t never \h\h\h\hasked me out.
And I didn’t know if y’all knew him or his whereabouts
or if he come through \h\h\h\h\hmore often.
I could swing back through,
’cause I’m just bobtailing \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now.
I ain’t got no cargo.
- Honey, I don’t--I don’t know
because we have so many workers \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hhere, and we--
there’s so many people too.
- If I describe him... \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- No.
- Is it possible? \h\h\h\h\h\h- No.
- It’s a hard no?
\h\h\h- It’s a hard no ’cause I have no idea.
- Or maybe you got to him \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfirst.
[gagging]
- No, no.
- Hold up, hold up, hold up, \h\h\h\hI’ll swallow my dip.
- Honey, I have customers. \h\hI need to wait on them.
- I’m a customer.
\h\hI come through there once every couple weeks.
\hI buy an orange juice and a bag of biscuits,
and I’m on my way, and--
- But what I’m getting at, \h\h\h\h\hma’am--I don’t--
we don’t see all these semis.
- Well, then it should be \h\h\h\h\h\h\heven easier
’cause he’s sitting over there \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin granny land
and I need him to step on it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hask me out,
quit being a puss bag.
You understand.
- Yeah, I understand.
- Breaker, breaker, you gotta \h\hhelp me get up on Reggie.
- I wish I could, hon.
- Can you do me a favor and just do a shout-out
over the intercom for Reggie
\h\hand just say, "You got a lady trucker in your lot,
\h\hand she’s waiting for love, and she’s got clean mudflaps"?
- Honey, we got nobody in here.
- Just call out for me.
Just--maybe he’s in line \h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now.
- There is no men in line here. \h\h\h\h\h\hThey’re all women.
- Are you sure?
\h\h\h- I am sorry. I cannot help you.
- None of them? \h\h\h\h\h- No!
\h\h\h\h\h- He’s the one with his fly down out in the lot.
[gags]
- I wish I could help you, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hbut I can’t.
\h\h- What’s your handle? - I don’t have a handle.
- What’s your C--trucker-- \h\h- Ma’am, I have to go.
- I’ve got to know \h\hyour industry.
- Ma’am, I’m sorry.
I’m gonna hang up now because you’re--you’re upsetting me.
[line clicks]
- [singing] He can crash \h\h\hmy backdoor anytime
[line trills]
- [bleep], this is Andrew.
- Hey, Andrew.
\h\h\h\hWell, I just want to congratulate you guys
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon keeping a spanking-clean shitter,
’cause I found Reggie.
I was looking for him.
\hI was on the phone with your associate.
She couldn’t find him, \h\h\h\hbut, uh, I did,
and I’m--I was just in there \h\h\h\hgetting the flap job
of a lifetime.
I’m a lady trucker. I drive a big rig.
\hAnd, uh, I was looking for Reggie; I found him.
\h\h- Well, that’s good job! I’m happy for Reggie and you.
- Hey, hey, you wanna--we can \h\h\hpull around right now,
and we can--we can make it \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hofficial.
You wanna be our witness?
- [laughs] No, that’s okay.
I got too much work to do.
- Or we could be a throuple.
\h- [laughs] Nice, but...
hey, I got another call \h\h\h\h\h\hcoming in.
You have a good day.
- All right. \h\hBye-bye.
[upbeat music]
\h[horn blaring, tires screeching]
[crash]
- So what do I cook for her?
Because she’s ovulating now.
And what do I give-- \h\h\h\hgive to her?
- Okay.
- Do I give her, like, \h\h\h\h\hclams, Cajun?
\h\h\h- No, no, I would do either gumbo or jambalaya.
- Yeah, yeah.
\h\h\h\hAnd not just sex, but I wanna romance her.
Let’s have a smooth thing.
- [bleep], Sarah speaking. \h\h\h\hHow can I help you?
\h\h- Hey, Sarah. My name is Spoon.
\hUm, I’m calling because I’m a brother in Brooklyn, New York,
\h\h\h\h\hand my lady is from New Orleans.
\h\h\h\h- All right. - I know New Orleans--
\h\h\h\h\h\hI’ve heard that New Orleans food,
\h\hain’t no other food like New Orleans food.
- Oh, that’s very true.
- So I was saying to myself,
"Well, let me can New Orleans, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwhere she from,
born and raised..."
- Uh-huh.
\h\h\h\h\h- "And get some home-cooked meal
"and lay it out special \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor her,
"and then later on that night, \h\h\h\h\h\hwe get in the bed,
and we throw down."
- [laughs]
- You know what she said to me \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlast night?
Me and my lady was having \h\h\h\h\h\hpillow talk.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hShe said, "Daddy, I want a baby.
I want you to get me pregnant."
\h\h\h\h- Yeah, well, uh, basically what we do here
is sell cooking classes
and, um, Zoom cooking classes, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso we--
- So what do I cook for her?
Because she’s ovulating now.
And what do I give-- \h\h\h\hgive to her?
- Okay.
- Do I give her, like, \h\h\h\h\hclams, Cajun?
\h- No, no, I would do--either gumbo or jambalaya is pretty--
\h\h\h\h\h- What? Are you serious?
I’m supposed to cook that?
And it’s gonna taste \h\hlike New Orleans?
- Yeah, no--
- I got seven kids already,
but I want a new addition \h\h\h\h\h\hto the house.
- Oh, jeez.
- No, I’m trying to break \hEddie Murphy’s record.
I’m Spoonie Luv from Up Above.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- [laughs] - I’m trying to throw down.
- Wow, yeah, well, I mean, \hthat’s what we teach here
at the school,
and it’s one of our most popular cooking classes.
- Wow, wow, nice.
I made the right move, \hI did the right move.
She said to me last night,
\h"Baby, I’m ovulating, and this is the time."
I said, "Well, I’m--I got you."
- Oh, there you go. \h\h\h\hIt’s, uh--
Yeah, you know what I would \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hmake her?
Does she eat chicken \h\h\h\hand sausage?
- Yes, she eat all of that.
She, like, 350 pounds.
- All right, so I would \h\h\h\hdefinitely say,
um, making her a chicken \h\h\h\hand sausage gumbo
would be your way to go, babe.
- Wow, can I say something \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto you?
- Sure.
- You know how much \hI appreciate you?
\hIf we have a girl, I’m naming her Sarah.
You don’t even know-- \h\h"Your godmother,
\h\h\h"I called her out in New Orleans,
and she gave me this recipe."
And I’m gonna say that to her.
I gotta say that to her, Sarah.
You don’t even know what you just did.
\hSpoon don’t be having information like this.
I gotta give you this credit.
- There you go, there you go.
\hYeah, there’s a bunch of good recipes online.
- I’ma give her this gumbo,
and I ain’t pulling out \h\h\h\h\h\h\htonight.
I ain’t pulling out tonight.
I’m laying some pipe \h\hwith this gumbo.
[laughs]
- Nice, nice.
- And let me tell you \h\h\h\h\h\hsomething.
Me and her be doing it. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Uh-huh.
- She queefed so loud \h\h\h\h\hlast night,
she woke up the house.
- Oh, my gosh.
- [blows raspberry]
- Wow, well, yeah, baby,
you should definitely make her \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hsome gumbo.
- She can’t handle all of me.
She can’t take all of me ’cause I’m well-endowed.
\h\h\h\hI’m flaccid, but I’m well-endowed.
- Wow. \hWow.
You know what, Sarah, \h\hyou turning me on
with your voice, girl.
I might even get on a plane \h\h\hto come on down there
to New Orleans and see you, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwoman.
- Thank you.
Well, I have to get going, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdarling.
I got--I gotta take this call. \h\h\hIt’s another reservation.
- Sarah, Sarah, listen to me, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlook, look.
[smooches]
You know what that was?
- Yep, I know exactly \h\h\hwhat that was.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- [laughs] Me and you, it’s coming.
I’m coming.
- All right, well, hon, good luck to you, hon.
- You don’t wanna get off \h\h\hthis phone with me.
- I gotta take another--I take
\hall the incoming reservation calls,
and I’m missing one right now.
- When I see you me, you’re \hgonna flip with our eyes.
- Okay, all right.
- Sarah, you making me wet. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[chuckles]
- Oh, jeez.
- You getting me moist, girl.
\h\h- Okay, baby, I’m gonna go now.
\h\h\h\h- Then go. You don’t wanna go.
- Oh, my gosh.
\h\h\h\h\h- You don’t wanna go. - I gotta go, baby, all right?
\h\h\hGood luck to you. I’m gonna hang up now.
I gotta take this other call.
- "But I gotta go, baby." \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs]
Sound like me in high school.
- [laughs]
All right, well, good luck, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdarling.
I’ll talk to you later.
- You ever had your toes \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hsucked?
[line clicks]
I’m a freak, baby. \h\h\hI’m a freak.
All right, ma.
I like that. \h\h[laughs]
[upbeat music]
- Look at that.
- [singing] \h\h\h\hMTV