[touch tones beeping]
[line trills]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
’Cause we’re having a ball
\h\h\hWe’re just making some calls to strangers
We’re back on the cell
And the world’s \h\hgone to hell
But you’re gonna \h\h\hfeel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
\h\h\hThey’ll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
’Cause we’re disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
\h\h\h\h\h\hWon’t you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
- Yeah, yeah. Let's do one more, for sure.
[line trills]
- [bleep] Seafood.
- Hi. Um, I'm calling
with a quite a peculiar question in request for you.
- Okay. - I was just curious
as to what do you all do with the fish
after it stops being so delicious?
And when it goes bad?
Do you throw it away or--or what?
- Yes. If it goes bad, we have to throw it out.
- Right. I'm--long story short,
there's a guy at work who's just--he won't get off my tail.
And I've talked to him time and time again
to just stay out of my cubicle and he won't.
And I've--I've kinda exhausted all of my options.
I'm at my wits end.
And I think that the only reasonable and practical thing
to do at this point is to douse myself in fish.
As crazy as that might seem, I feel like, you know,
the stench of fish might be the only thing
that will stop this guy's advances.
- Honestly, you're not the first person to call
and ask for fish for that kinda reason.
- Well-- - So, it's not that weird.
And we would be more than happy to give you some.
- Can you tell me their story at all?
Or, I mean, I didn't realize that there would be
another person in my circumstance.
This is actually quite uplifting.
- Well, one person just wanted it to like,
play a prank on his roommate for just not being good to him.
I haven't had anybody call about deterring
a guy making unwanted advances
but as a girl who has been in that situation,
I would be happy to give you fish for it.
- You are a feminist hero. Let me tell you right now.
You are my new idol.
And I am so greatly appreciative.
I mean, we wouldn't even have to meet.
You can just kinda like,
toss the bag through my moon roof
or I could kinda pretend to look for a contact outside
and you know, rustle around on the ground
until I find the bag that you left for me.
Just whichever--whatever would be
the best--the best situation for you.
I'd pleased to accommodate.
- You can just come inside and ask for it.
- Yeah, the guy--the guy's coming right now.
I'm just gonna pretend you're my boyfriend.
Oh, Steve, you big boy. I love being with you, Steve.
Alright, thank you. Sorry. That was--
- You're welcome.
Yeah, anytime you wanna come by.
- Okay and maybe--I mean,
we wouldn't even have to waste plastic.
I could maybe just come in and roll around on the floor
in the back or something.
Is there a particular kinda very stinky fish
that would be extra kinda potent?
- I wish we had some dead crabs right now
because they are the absolute worst.
But we do have some trout that's gonna go bad soon.
That would definitely--
- Oh, that sounds brilliant to me.
And you know what? This guy probably already has crabs.
So--so, the trout will be perfect.
[laughter]
- Sounds good.
- This is gonna sound crazy.
Do you enjoy coffee or walks in the park?
- Yeah, I do.
- Would you perhaps care to go for a coffee
or a walk in the park at one point?
- To give you this fish or just like, as friends?
- It could be to give me the fish
or it could be as friends or--or you know, either or.
Whatever you're comfortable with. Really.
- Yeah, that would be great.
- I'm gonna tell everyone that you're the fish gut savior.
- I like that. - I like that too.
I'd love to roll around in fish with you one day.
- Well, I have to get back to work soon
but I guess I will see you sometime this weekend.
That's when I'm working usually.
But if I'm not here, you can definitely just ask
somebody else a bag of fish gut.
- I wouldn't want a bag of fish gut from anyone but you.
My fish queen.
- Okay.
- Okay, Callie. It's been a swimming good time.
- It has. - Bye-bye.
I need to write an apology letter.
I need to send garlands of flowers.
I need to go on a date with Callie now.
Guys, [bleep]!
[line trills]
- Hi, this is Jasmine.
- Hi, Jasmine. How are you?
- Good. How are you?
- I'm great. So, here's the thing.
My guy and I,
we are interested in doing tennis lessons together.
Do you do that?
- Yes, absolutely. We do have some private lessons.
- Okay. Do you have like,
strong female instructors that like, throw really hard?
- We--we do. We got some. We have Olivia.
She is new. She has great power actually.
And then we have [...],
and he's been teaching for years.
And he's really, really good.
- Is it possible to talk to either one of them?
Like-- - Yeah.
Olivia is right here. You wanna talk to her?
- Yes. I would love to talk to Olivia.
- Hello. This is Olivia.
- I just wanted to know a little bit more
about the curriculum.
I'm like, 27 and my guy, he's a little older.
He's like, 20 years older than me.
And I was just wondering like,
would you be throwing the balls at us
or is it like, one of those tennis ball machines?
'Cause I saw that on TV once and I'm like, "Yes.
I think that's gonna be the thing for me."
- So, have you guys played tennis before?
- Can I just be like, super like, honest with you?
- Yeah, of course. - Like, how old are you?
- I'm--I just turned 23.
- Okay. I think you would understand this.
So, I've been dating this guy for like, a year and a half now
and he just started talking about having kids.
And I feel like, oh, my God, he's too old, right?
He's totally got grandpa D.
I don't wanna have any babies with him.
- Right. I understand.
- And so, I'm willing to pay you, Olivia, triple
the price of the lessons if you can help me
make sure he gets hit in the balls
at least four times every lesson.
- Okay. I can do that.
- Like, if we can get him just straight in the dick.
Like, and I'll be like, "Oh my God, babe.
Let me suck it. I'll make it better for you."
Whatever. And then, I'm gonna pay you so well.
- Girl, I understand.
- So, when can we come? Can we come tomorrow?
- Can you guys come in like, earlier in the day?
- Yes, girl.
The earlier you break that dick for me, that would be great.
- Okay.
- 'Cause I am not trying to get pregnant by grandpa.
I mean, I'm just trying to, you know, pay off
all my little student loan debts and shit like that.
And just, you know, enjoy life right now.
Not trying to have babies. I wanna travel.
- I can do--I can do Monday. Would two-three work?
- I'm not gonna lie to you. I was like, hoping the morning.
'Cause that's when he's like,
usually the hardest but it's okay.
When those tennis balls hit him at [bleep] full power,
you sound like you're strong, bust those balls, girl.
- Okay. I mean, I'll try
but I can't-- I can't make any promises.
- Come on.
Just make sure that [bleep] machine is hitting towards it
or bat that ball right to it. Like, you know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, I know what you're saying.
So, I'll give you back to Jasmine.
She'll take care of you.
- Thank you so much. I'm looking forward to this.
- Hello. - Jasmine?
- Yes.
- She told me she's available on the 22nd.
- Okay, perfect. - Yes. This is gonna be like,
a--it's gonna be like a neutering.
It's great. - Got you. Perfect.
Okay. What's your first and last name?
- Tammy Jones.
- And what is your boyfriend's first and last name?
- His name is Jonathan Kimarla.
K-I-M-A-R-L-A
- Kimarla. - Kimarla. Perfect.
- Please tell Olivia to do her pushups.
- [laughing] Absolutely.
- Thank you so much, Jasmine. Whoo!
- You're welcome. See you Monday.
- Alright. We're busting balls. Yeah.
[laughing]
- Oh, you have lots of beautiful things
about how much she liked to cook and dance and soda.
- What about the lovemaking? - I've got it all down.
And your phone number and everything.
- You have lovemaking? - Yes, sir.
- Wonderful. Are you single?
[line trills]
- [bleep]. This is Michelle. How can I help you?
- Hello, darling.
I'm calling to make a obituary for my wife.
- For your wife? - Yeah.
- Oh, well, what is your wife's first and last name?
- My wife's name is Helen. Her maiden name was Weiner.
Which is one of the reasons why she married.
We got married and she didn't wanna be a Weiner no more.
- [laughs] All right.
And how do you spell her current last name?
- H-I-G-G-I-N-S.
And she was Helen Higgins. - All right.
And what are you wanting to put in the newspaper?
How do you wanna word it?
- A couple of things here.
She was born on February 17, 1922.
- February 1992. - She died on December 8th.
Born in Brooklyn, New York.
Helen died peacefully, surrounded by family.
She loved Broadway musicals.
And she never stopped talking about them.
- Okay.
- Even when I would say,
"Please stop talking about them."
She was a loud woman.
Woke up at 4:00 in the morning.
And she banged the cabinets. She'd wake me up.
I'd yell, "Helen, I'm trying to sleep here."
She didn't care.
She would go about her day making bread and what not.
She loved moist toilettes and soda.
She drank 14 cans of soda every day.
- Okay.
- And black licorice.
And word searches and croutons. [cat yowls]
And buttons and dancing.
She spent a lot of time in the bathroom.
It was the only peace I got.
- You--you want me to include all of this?
- Oh, no. No. Only the nice stuff.
- All right. And what else do you want to say?
- And she loved her husband, Elma.
- Okay.
- Who she called a tender and dedicated lover.
- Okay. - Elma gave Helen
all the pleasures a woman could dream of.
- Okay.
- She had very larges bosoms. [cat yowls]
- Okay.
- They remained active sexually for many years.
And then she died.
- Okay.
- For inquiries about lovemaking,
please contact Elma Higgins.
Can you read back
what you have there right now? 'Cause I'm confused.
- Oh, you have lots of beautiful things about how much
she liked to cook and dance and soda and to cook
and she loved you very much.
- What about the lovemaking? - I've got it all down.
And your phone number and everything.
- You have lovemaking? - Yes, sir.
- Wonderful.
Are you single?
- No, sir.
- Okay. You have a mother?
- Yes, sir. Also not single.
- Okay, darling. 'Cause I'm hoping
I get some companionship out of this obituary.
- Well, yes, sir.
And if I can get your credit card information
then I can get that published for you.
- You take Diner's Club? - No, sir.
- I have to go get my wife's purse and I'll call you back.
Okay, darling? - That sounds like a plan.
Thank you very much, Mr. Elma. You have a good day.
- Okay. Don't forget the lovemaking part.
- No, sir. You have a good day.
- I will. - Bye-bye.
- Goodbye. [dog barks]
[chuckles]
She was nice. [laughs]
- If I mess up on the canvas,
I could just like, turn it around.
'Cause they didn't tell us that the others sip and paint.
- Yeah. - You can't really turn them
around cause the other side isn't like, paintable.
- Why would they make canvases like that?
- I guess just so you can frame them easier.
- What?
- Is this a prank call? [laughs]
[line trilling]
- [bleep]. Can I help you?
- Who am I speaking to?
- This is Joanie.
- Naomi, great to meet you.
So, me and my bros, we have like,
we did this thing like, called a sip and paint.
I know--I don't know if you've ever heard of them?
- Oh, yeah. Like, the wine kinda paint?
- Yeah. Like, so, me and like, a couple of my bros,
we went and we did one
but like, this was like, a while ago.
So, now we wanna do one ourselves, right?
But like, we don't know like, where to start.
- Oh, cool.
- Yeah, we wanna host it. - Yeah?
- Yeah, but like, we just wanna know like,
what we need to do it.
'Cause like, we have like, 10 boxes of wine.
Other than that, we got nothing.
Like, do we need like--
- Okay. So, you need paint and paintbrushes.
And right now, we have a deal going that if you buy
some paint, some brushes, and like, a surface,
like a canvas or whatever, we give you 20% off.
The canvases are 50% off right now.
- That's a good deal.
I'm gonna be honest, Megan, we drank a lot of the wine.
So, is there any like,
do you also maybe like, host these things?
- I'm not sure if we do right now.
- No, I mean like, I mean like you.
Like, we could pay you like--
- So, I don't do anything like that.
I don't know if anybody around here would.
I'm here by myself right now so I don't--I can't ask anybody.
- Yeah. We were just trying like,
do like, just a close friends kinda thing.
Like, you know.
- Wait, not to cut you off, bro.
She said it's 20% off on the paint, right?
- And then 50% off canvas.
- If I mess up on the canvas,
I can just like, turn it around.
'Cause they didn't tell us that the other sip and paint.
- Yeah. - Well--
- The lady was just like, "There's no mistakes in art."
And I was like, "Bro, that's not a tree anymore."
But, you know? - That's not nice to say
anyway, but you can't really turn it around
'cause the other side isn't like, paintable.
- Why would they make canvases like that?
- I guess so that you can frame them easier.
- What? - So that you can hang them up.
- Oh. Bro, bro, bro.
There's no two-side canvas.
We should like, make two-side canvases and like,
we can sell them, dude.
- Wow, bro. We can go on Shark Tank.
- That would actually be a really good idea.
- Oh, you want in? 'Cause like,
you heard our idea now so now we have to make you a co-owner.
You might sue.
- No, it's okay. I won't say anything.
Maybe we could sell them for you sometime.
- My cousin--my cousin does stuff like that.
But he said like, you need to sign a A-N-D like, paper.
So, you like, that you don't take our idea.
- Oh, yeah. I wouldn't anyway.
- I will honest with you, Megan. I'm ripped right now.
And like, we're just trying to get this done for tonight
and like, I can't even--like,
I'm--I'm--I'm talking with my eyes closed.
- It's okay.
- I mean, I'm so sorry about everything
that I've done to you. I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean--I didn't mean to get--I got so drunk.
Bro, I'm so sorry.
I'll never get this drunk again, bro.
- Bro, stop. Bro, stop.
- Bro, I'm being so disrespectful to--
- You're fine. Don't worry about it.
- Bro. - Man, I'm sorry.
- You're fine. Don't even worry about it.
- Megan, can you DJ the party?
- No, stop painting the lizard.
Stop painting the lizard. What are you doing?
- It's my lizard, bro.
- You can paint a lizard.
- Megan, you're the [bleep]. You're the best.
- Megan, you wanna come to--Megan, come to our party.
Come to our paint and sip.
- We wanna paint you.
- No, I can't come tonight
'cause I have a family at home waiting for me.
- Tell 'em--they can--bring-- they can come!
- Yeah, we got-- - We got pizza.
- We're--we're-- [imitates retching]
- Oh, God. He threw up on the lizard.
- I'm sorry. Megan, can we paint your family?
- Um, no but I have to go help another customer right now.
So, I was just gonna say
that we'll be open until 6:00 tonight.
- All right, Megan. We'll be there in a bit.
We're gonna take a nap and sleep some of this Moscato off.
- Okay. - 11:00 p.m. We'll be there.
- Okay. Sounds good. - 11, okay!
- All right.
I'm just--I'm just gonna paint myself, [bleep].
[receiver clicks] - That poor lady.
- [laughing]
- Ever since I started cornhole,
my whole life has changed. All of a sudden,
I wear docker shorts and socks up till my knees.
- [laughing] - I don't get it.
Why do I wear polo shirts? I'm a hefty boy.
- Explain to me why sometimes I feel the weight
of the beanbags in my hand as I'm drifting off to sleep.
[line trills]
- Big J's Cornhole.
This is Jessica. How may I help you?
- Hi, Jessica. I came into your store
because I played cornhole over the weekend
and now, like, I'm all involved in this cornhole life.
- Yeah? - And I don't understand
because it just seems so fun to me.
And I just wanted to get to know more about it
and kinda just see my options for cornhole in the future.
You know?
- Yeah, I get it. I get it. How can I help you?
- Ever since I started cornholin',
my whole life has changed.
I go to Starbucks and they write Harry on my cappuccinos.
Guess I look like a Harry now. All of a sudden,
I wear docker shorts and socks up till my knees.
- [laughing] - I got Crocs for days.
Like a mother[bleep]. I don't get it.
Why do I wear polo shirts? I'm a hefty boy.
- Oh. Uh-huh.
- The alligator looks all stretched out on my tit-tay.
- Yeah.
- I eat corn for breakfast.
I wake up, corn. Snack time, corn.
Lunch time, corn. Dinner time, corn.
Late night snack, you guessed it.
- Corn?
- Snickers. Do you play cornhole?
- Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do.
- You do? Are you good?
- No. - Mm.
That's upsetting because it's just throwing a bag in a hole.
- I--you know what I'm good at? I make cornhole--
I make good pictures that go on the cornhole board.
- Could I get one?
Could I get one with Bib Fortuna?
The translator from the Jedi--
"Return of the 'Jeddi'" scene. In "Return of the 'Jeddi.'"
- Just about anything you want. - Shut up.
When I die,
I want my ashes to be put inside of a cornhole bag.
And at my funeral, I want people to take turns
throwing my ashes in a hole in a wood plank.
- Not just a piece of wood with a hole in it.
- I got a pet groundhog
I trained to pop up out of a cornhole.
Can I--is that--is that good cornhole etiquette?
- I don't know.
- His name's Billy, and he's a little groundhog
and I trained him how to pop out
of a cornhole and go, "Wa."
And he makes a little sound every time.
He goes, "Wa." - [laughs]
- And that's how you know it's him.
When you hear that, "Wa."
You like, "Oh, Billy's here. I must've hit a cornhole."
And every once in a while,
he'll steal the bag and [bleep] it.
- Oh.
- I've won him in a cornhole match against,
you're not gonna believe this,
Whoopi mother[bleep] Goldberg.
You're damn right.
[Billy chittering] Oh, hold on.
Billy. Billy, get down from there.
Sorry. Billy's eating my wife's toes.
- What? - Billy, get down from there.
My wife's on the ceiling and Billy's eating her toes.
Billy. - No.
[receiver clicks]
- Oh, she hung up. [laughs]
- Look at that.
- [singing] MTV