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00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:03,370
[touch tones beeping]
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00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:04,071
[line trills]
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{\an7}[phones ringing]
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00:00:06,525 --> 00:00:09,360
{\an7}[upbeat music]
5
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{\an7}[children singing]
Come one, come all
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{\an7}’Cause we’re having a ball
7
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{\an7}\h\h\hWe’re just making
some calls to strangers
8
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{\an7}We’re back on the cell
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00:00:18,228 --> 00:00:20,096
{\an7}And the world’s
\h\hgone to hell
10
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{\an7}But you’re gonna
\h\h\hfeel swell
11
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{\an7}When they pick up
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{\an7}From New York to Alabammer
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{\an7}\h\h\hThey’ll probably wanna
throw our ass in the slammer
14
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{\an7}’Cause we’re disturbing others
15
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{\an7}Maybe even your mother
16
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{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hWon’t you join
the Crank Yankers tonight?
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[line trilling]
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[music continues]
19
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[bleep]. This is C. Kramer.
How may I help you?
20
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- This is Kramer?
- Yes.
21
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- Hi. Hi. My name is Angela.
22
00:00:56,773 --> 00:01:01,077
I was just calling to see
if you guys might have my car.
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- Yeah, the plate number?
24
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- Oh, right out of the gates
with the tough questions.
25
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- Maybe I should start out
with a question like,
26
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what can you tell me
about the car?
27
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- It was...black,
28
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kind of in the black family...
[stammers]
29
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Maybe midnight blue,
30
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anywhere kind of on the
spectrum from gray to--to--
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00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,104
to midnight black, I would say.
32
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- Who makes it?
- It's one of--it's a French--
33
00:01:31,274 --> 00:01:35,145
it's a French...
like, Toyota maybe.
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It's a Toyota. Toyota.
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- Toyota's Japanese.
- Oh, then maybe it's not.
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I know when I left the bar,
I was hungry.
37
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And I decided
to get some fast food.
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There is probably
three taco wrappers
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in the passenger seat,
40
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and now not the wrappers that
actually--the edible wrappers
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that hold the taco,
but just the empty wrappers.
42
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:03,106
- Okay. Well, if I ask
you questions,
43
00:02:03,173 --> 00:02:06,042
I can ask you
for what I need to know.
44
00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,443
It'll go quicker that way.
45
00:02:07,510 --> 00:02:08,945
- That would be great.
That would be great.
46
00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,346
- Okay.
- Do you like tacos?
47
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[chuckles]
Are you taco fiend like me?
48
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- I love tacos.
- Oh, good.
49
00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,153
We'll get along
just beautifully.
50
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:20,423
- Unfortunately, that doesn't
help me find the car.
51
00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:22,192
- You make a good point.
52
00:02:22,258 --> 00:02:24,861
- Okay. Do you know what street
you were parked on?
53
00:02:24,928 --> 00:02:26,463
- I had to pull over.
54
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I was--I was pulled
over and, uh...
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- What--
I'm really confused.
56
00:02:32,869 --> 00:02:35,472
Were you pulled over,
or did you go to get tacos?
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- I pulled over, I think,
kind of at the same time
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that I was perhaps getting
pulled over for speeding,
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but then I think
the police officer saw
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just how urgently I needed
to get a little snack
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00:02:48,017 --> 00:02:50,620
and continued on his
or her way.
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I wasn't able to tell--
or their way.
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00:02:53,223 --> 00:02:55,792
Yes, I wasn't able
to tell the gender.
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- You were pulled over for
speaking and you got a snack.
65
00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:01,865
Can you try to think real hard
66
00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:05,034
and, like,
remember more about the car?
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- It had the sweetest
little bell on the handlebars
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that would just warn joggers,
"Hello, I'm coming through."
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It's me.
Enjoy your day.
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00:03:14,043 --> 00:03:17,080
- Try to get the make
of the car.
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- A Flork?
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- [laughs]
That's the make of your car?
73
00:03:21,217 --> 00:03:24,254
- Florenzio? Florenzio?
Florenzio.
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- Florenzio.
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- Flonda? Dawdle?
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- Oh, okay.
77
00:03:32,162 --> 00:03:36,065
Hey, I cannot talk
at this time.
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If you want to catch me later,
I'll be...
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- It's--yeah, would you--
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Could you give me
your cell phone number?
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- Uh...
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I--
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No. No, thanks.
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- Okay. I understand
and respect that.
85
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A creamer!
No, that's your name.
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Your name is Kramer, right?
- Yeah.
87
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- Oh, I just love you.
I just love you.
88
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- You too. I love you, too.
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00:04:03,259 --> 00:04:05,261
- You do?
90
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:08,398
- I do. I really--I really do.
91
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- I love you.
92
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- Okay, now, bye.
[line clicks]
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[engine turning over,
tires squealing]
94
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- Was that real,
or was he [bleep] with me?
95
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:22,545
- Can a gerbil go out
with a hamster?
96
00:04:22,612 --> 00:04:24,948
Can a hamster go out
with a guinea pig?
97
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Can they?
Are they all fooling around?
98
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[line trilling]
- [bleep] hobby center.
99
00:04:30,787 --> 00:04:32,322
Wayne speaking.
How can I help you?
100
00:04:32,388 --> 00:04:34,724
- Wayne. Wayne. Wayne.
101
00:04:34,791 --> 00:04:37,494
I got a big issue, man.
So here's what happened.
102
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I went on your site.
I ordered the Camaro, right?
103
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Now, I saw it was $175.
- Okay.
104
00:04:42,665 --> 00:04:44,167
- Let me tell you
something, man.
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00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:47,103
my eyebrows went up like,
boing, what?
106
00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:50,607
It's in my budget.
It's perfect. It comes.
107
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And it's not a real car,
you know.
108
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You guys should put warnings
on the site, you know,
109
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or at least show the car.
110
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The car looked so realistic.
111
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:02,519
- Okay. So let's pause
for a second, please.
112
00:05:02,585 --> 00:05:04,487
So you ordered
from our website, correct?
113
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,022
- Yeah.
- Okay.
114
00:05:06,022 --> 00:05:08,191
So what's your name?
115
00:05:08,258 --> 00:05:09,859
- Phil Johnson.
116
00:05:09,926 --> 00:05:11,828
- I'm looking
into your order now.
117
00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:13,763
- Look, let me break it
down to you.
118
00:05:13,830 --> 00:05:16,533
When it's displayed,
it's shown--
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it's not a real car.
120
00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:20,470
You got to show it next
to a grown man or something
121
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,472
so you know
it's not a real car.
122
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:23,940
- I mean, we're a hobby store.
123
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It's obviously not a real car
that you could drive.
124
00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:27,377
- Let me finish telling you
the story.
125
00:05:27,443 --> 00:05:28,778
That way,
you can break it down,
126
00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:30,880
and you can feel my pain
right now.
127
00:05:30,947 --> 00:05:33,049
- I can't yet because I don't
know what you ordered.
128
00:05:33,116 --> 00:05:36,219
- I had pre-got
my insurance coverage.
129
00:05:36,286 --> 00:05:38,721
I even bought a little
hula girl for the dashboard.
130
00:05:38,788 --> 00:05:40,523
- Okay. I'm just not
seeing your order.
131
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,125
Where are you located?
132
00:05:42,192 --> 00:05:44,861
- [sighs] Oh, man. Wayne.
Wayne, you're killing me, man.
133
00:05:44,994 --> 00:05:46,162
- Just work with me.
134
00:05:46,229 --> 00:05:47,564
I'm trying to get
some informa--
135
00:05:47,630 --> 00:05:49,799
gather your information
so we can move forward.
136
00:05:49,866 --> 00:05:52,135
- Wayne, do you own a Camaro?
137
00:05:52,202 --> 00:05:54,003
- I own a 10-year-old
Chevy Cobalt.
138
00:05:54,070 --> 00:05:55,371
I'm just trying to figure out
139
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,173
what you're talking
about, Phil.
140
00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,477
- If you drive your Chevy to me
and then we switch,
141
00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:03,179
you take this little-ass car
back--I take yours.
142
00:06:03,246 --> 00:06:05,148
- Yes, but what's your address?
143
00:06:05,215 --> 00:06:07,250
If we sent you out something,
we've got an account for you.
144
00:06:07,317 --> 00:06:08,751
- You ever see that movie
"Stuart Little"
145
00:06:08,818 --> 00:06:10,186
with that little-ass mouse?
146
00:06:10,253 --> 00:06:11,688
- I didn't watch that.
I'm sorry.
147
00:06:11,754 --> 00:06:13,323
I need to know your address.
148
00:06:13,389 --> 00:06:15,091
- I just don't want to go
through the whole trouble
149
00:06:15,158 --> 00:06:16,359
of sending it back, man.
150
00:06:16,426 --> 00:06:19,729
Is there some kind
of a tiny tow truck
151
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,364
you can hook it to maybe?
152
00:06:21,431 --> 00:06:24,100
That way, at least, if you
send little tiny-ass tow truck,
153
00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:26,369
you can get this little
tiny-ass car.
154
00:06:26,436 --> 00:06:28,538
- All right, I'm gonna put you
through to my manager.
155
00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:29,539
One moment.
156
00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:33,376
- Oh, Wayne, you're killing me!
157
00:06:33,443 --> 00:06:35,245
- This is Brett.
Can I help you?
158
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,580
- Brett, here's the rundown.
159
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:41,184
I need you to listen to me
and understand my pain.
160
00:06:41,251 --> 00:06:42,986
- Sure.
What can we do for you?
161
00:06:43,019 --> 00:06:45,421
- Look, I got
the Camaro online, right?
162
00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:48,091
The Camaro photo
looks too realistic, right?
163
00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:49,793
I'm thinking
it's some kind of auction
164
00:06:49,859 --> 00:06:51,561
and I'm getting
a real Camaro.
165
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:54,898
You just can't send a person--
a grown man a car like this.
166
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,133
I can't pick
no girl up in this!
167
00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,436
- So you bought a Diecast car.
168
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,071
Is that what we're trying
to get at here?
169
00:07:02,138 --> 00:07:04,407
- I didn't ask for no damn
Hot Wheels car.
170
00:07:04,474 --> 00:07:07,243
If I got my big ass
in this little-ass car,
171
00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:10,814
even a dude in a smart car
would laugh at my ass.
172
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,649
He'd be like,
"Look at your stupid ass
173
00:07:12,715 --> 00:07:14,017
in that little-ass Camaro."
174
00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,019
That's like little-dick
energy I'm giving off.
175
00:07:16,052 --> 00:07:18,087
You know what I'm saying?
I'm a big-ass dude.
176
00:07:18,154 --> 00:07:20,657
I'm like 6'2, 200 pounds.
177
00:07:20,723 --> 00:07:22,125
- Sure. Yeah.
178
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:25,028
And, yeah, whenever you order
from an auto-parts dealer
179
00:07:25,061 --> 00:07:27,163
or auto dealer, I would expect
that you get a real car,
180
00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:29,032
but we're a model shop.
181
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:32,035
So, yes, anything that
we sell here would be a model.
182
00:07:32,068 --> 00:07:35,338
- And maybe there's somebody
even above you.
183
00:07:35,405 --> 00:07:38,775
There's Wayne,
and then there's Brett,
184
00:07:38,842 --> 00:07:40,977
and then it's another dude
above you
185
00:07:40,977 --> 00:07:44,414
with another white-man name,
like a Chet.
186
00:07:44,481 --> 00:07:48,017
Is there a dude named Chet
there who's even above you?
187
00:07:48,084 --> 00:07:50,620
- No. There's not a Chet. Nope.
188
00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:51,988
- Hey, how about this?
189
00:07:52,021 --> 00:07:53,289
How about I come
pick you up in it
190
00:07:53,356 --> 00:07:54,858
and you can see
how small it is?
191
00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:56,993
And we'll both get in it
and take a little spin.
192
00:07:57,026 --> 00:07:58,461
How about that?
193
00:07:58,528 --> 00:08:01,431
- What you ordered from us
is not a Camaro.
194
00:08:01,498 --> 00:08:03,299
We don't have
any pictures on there
195
00:08:03,366 --> 00:08:04,701
that show different stuff.
196
00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,003
So I'm thinking that you may
be confused on who it is
197
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,638
that you may have
ordered this from.
198
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,373
- Look, I don't want
my money back.
199
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,376
Maybe we could throw in, like,
some free oil change
200
00:08:13,443 --> 00:08:15,278
or something like that maybe,
you know.
201
00:08:15,345 --> 00:08:17,514
At least I'll get
something out of this shit.
202
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,482
- Sure. Yeah.
203
00:08:19,549 --> 00:08:21,317
Yeah, I'm not sure
how we would change the oil
204
00:08:21,384 --> 00:08:23,686
on a plastic model, but, yeah.
205
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,622
- Brett, I appreciate it, man.
206
00:08:25,688 --> 00:08:28,324
You tell Wayne I said
thank you, man.
207
00:08:28,391 --> 00:08:31,161
And hire a dude named Chet
to work there also.
208
00:08:31,227 --> 00:08:34,030
Just hire somebody named Chet.
- [laughing] I'll look around.
209
00:08:34,030 --> 00:08:35,832
I'll definitely look around
and see if there's some Chets.
210
00:08:35,899 --> 00:08:37,801
- Man, you be good, man.
211
00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:39,969
- You do the same.
- Peace, man.
212
00:08:40,036 --> 00:08:41,137
[line clicks]
213
00:08:41,204 --> 00:08:45,141
[laughing]
214
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:49,212
[upbeat music]
215
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:53,349
- And how come the instructors
don't carry guns?
216
00:08:53,416 --> 00:08:54,984
- We definitely would not want
217
00:08:55,051 --> 00:08:56,753
to have
our instructors carry guns.
218
00:08:56,820 --> 00:08:58,188
- Well, I'ma tell you
right now--
219
00:08:58,254 --> 00:09:00,690
if some bitch in a minivan
cuts me off,
220
00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:01,991
she gonna get T-boned.
221
00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:03,860
I'm gonna tell you
that right now.
222
00:09:05,821 --> 00:09:08,293
{\an7}[line trilling]
223
00:09:08,293 --> 00:09:10,184
{\an7}\h\h- Thank you for calling
Coach Rider Driving School.
224
00:09:10,184 --> 00:09:12,722
{\an7}\h\hThis is Roland.
How may I help you?
225
00:09:12,722 --> 00:09:13,755
{\an7}- Hello, Roland.
226
00:09:13,755 --> 00:09:18,788
{\an7}\h\hLook, my son is taking
driving lessons from y’all.
227
00:09:18,788 --> 00:09:22,920
{\an7}\h\hAnd I need to know
what the curriculum is,
228
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,491
{\an7}because what he told me--
229
00:09:25,491 --> 00:09:27,854
{\an7}\h\h\hy’all are teaching
some nonsense over there.
230
00:09:27,854 --> 00:09:30,085
{\an7}\hY’all gonna get
this boy killed.
231
00:09:30,085 --> 00:09:33,854
{\an7}- So what’s the, um...
232
00:09:33,854 --> 00:09:34,656
{\an7}the particular...
233
00:09:34,656 --> 00:09:39,656
{\an7}- Well, the particular issue
is y’all are not teaching him
234
00:09:39,656 --> 00:09:42,590
{\an7}\h\hthe proper way
to handle driving,
235
00:09:42,590 --> 00:09:44,722
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know,
and being safe on the road.
236
00:09:44,722 --> 00:09:48,359
{\an7}\h\h\hHe told me he was
at a stop sign, right?
237
00:09:48,359 --> 00:09:52,052
{\an7}\hAnd he was waiting
to make a left turn,
238
00:09:52,052 --> 00:09:56,085
{\an7}and some guy honked at him
\h\h\hand flipped him off.
239
00:09:56,085 --> 00:10:00,052
{\an7}And guess what the instructor
\h\h\h\h\h\h\htold him to do.
240
00:10:00,052 --> 00:10:01,425
{\an7}To ignore him.
241
00:10:01,425 --> 00:10:02,184
{\an7}- Okay. Well, I...
242
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:04,722
{\an7}- You know what you got to do
\h\hwith a bully on the road?
243
00:10:04,722 --> 00:10:08,953
{\an7}You got to drive and get
\hright up on his bumper
244
00:10:08,953 --> 00:10:11,755
{\an7}and follow that jackass
\h\h\hall the way home.
245
00:10:11,755 --> 00:10:14,557
{\an7}\h- Yeah, well, I mean,
I do apologize, ma’am.
246
00:10:14,557 --> 00:10:16,788
{\an7}We definitely do not encourage
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hour students
247
00:10:16,788 --> 00:10:22,151
{\an7}\hto ride up on other cars
and threaten other people.
248
00:10:22,151 --> 00:10:26,019
{\an7}- And how come the instructors
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdon’t carry guns?
249
00:10:26,019 --> 00:10:27,755
{\an7}\hHow come y’all
don’t have a gun?
250
00:10:27,755 --> 00:10:30,986
{\an7}\h\h- You know, the safe thing
is not to be ignorant with them
251
00:10:30,986 --> 00:10:34,052
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\hand get violent
or aggressive with them.
252
00:10:34,052 --> 00:10:35,920
{\an7}And we definitely
\hwould not want
253
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,151
{\an7}to have our instructors
\h\h\h\h\h\hcarry guns.
254
00:10:38,151 --> 00:10:38,821
{\an7}- No, baby.
255
00:10:38,821 --> 00:10:42,217
{\an7}\h\h\hThe safe thing to do is
you got to be extra ignorant.
256
00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:44,458
{\an7}You got to out-ignorant them.
257
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:46,524
{\an7}- I know, but if somebody
\h\h\h\h\his rude to you,
258
00:10:46,524 --> 00:10:49,250
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hfollowing them
and creating an altercation
259
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:51,623
{\an7}is not the safe thing
\h\h\h\hto do, ma’am.
260
00:10:51,623 --> 00:10:52,821
{\an7}- Well, I’ma tell you
\h\h\h\h\hright now--
261
00:10:52,821 --> 00:10:55,788
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hif some bitch
in a minivan cuts me off,
262
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:56,920
{\an7}she gonna get T-boned.
263
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,920
{\an7}I’m gonna tell you
\h\hthat right now.
264
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,920
{\an7}- Well, you don’t run them
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hoff the road.
265
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,359
{\an7}- You do run them off the road.
266
00:11:02,359 --> 00:11:06,887
{\an7}\h\h\hWhy do you think there’s
27 "Fast & the Furious" movies?
267
00:11:06,887 --> 00:11:09,085
{\an7}\h\h\h\hThey didn’t make
a "Driving Miss Daisy 2."
268
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,524
{\an7}- Well, that’s a movie.
\h\h\h\hThat’s a movie.
269
00:11:10,524 --> 00:11:12,953
{\an7}\h\h\hAnd we’re talking about
how to teach people to drive.
270
00:11:12,953 --> 00:11:14,491
{\an7}So I don’t see
the connection.
271
00:11:14,491 --> 00:11:17,491
{\an7}\h- I bet y’all you signals
and everything, don’t you?
272
00:11:17,491 --> 00:11:18,788
{\an7}- Well, our job is
\h\hto teach people
273
00:11:18,788 --> 00:11:21,920
{\an7}to be successful on their tests
\h\h\h\hand to be safe drivers,
274
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,986
{\an7}and that’s what officers
\h\h\h\h\h\hwant to see.
275
00:11:24,986 --> 00:11:28,425
{\an7}- Well, have you ever backed up
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon an on-ramp?
276
00:11:28,425 --> 00:11:29,722
{\an7}- Have you?
277
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:30,491
{\an7}- Oh, hell, yeah.
278
00:11:30,491 --> 00:11:33,656
{\an7}\hIf that ain’t the way I want
to go, you back that sucker up.
279
00:11:33,656 --> 00:11:34,986
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hGo to where
you’re supposed to go.
280
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:36,887
{\an7}- Oh, yeah, back up
\h\hon the on-ramp
281
00:11:36,887 --> 00:11:37,920
{\an7}and go the opposite direction
282
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,151
{\an7}where oncoming traffic
\h\his coming at you--
283
00:11:40,151 --> 00:11:40,920
{\an7}that sounds good.
284
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,151
{\an7}Everything you wouldn’t want
\h\hto do she says she does.
285
00:11:44,151 --> 00:11:46,425
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h- I bet you put your
seat belts on, too, don’t you?
286
00:11:46,425 --> 00:11:48,953
{\an7}- That’s what most people
\h\h\hare supposed to do.
287
00:11:48,953 --> 00:11:53,986
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h- Hey, the proper way
is, before you open your door,
288
00:11:53,986 --> 00:11:56,689
{\an7}you take your seat belt,
you click that bitch in,
289
00:11:56,689 --> 00:11:59,557
{\an7}\h\hand then you sit down
on top of the seat belt.
290
00:11:59,557 --> 00:12:02,250
{\an7}That’s how real Gs do it.
291
00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:03,722
{\an7}- Real Gs. Okay.
\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
292
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:06,854
{\an7}- Let God handle it.
- Let God handle it.
293
00:12:06,854 --> 00:12:09,019
{\an7}- That’s why they say,
"Jesus take the wheel."
294
00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:12,019
{\an7}- Hopefully you’re not teaching
\h\h\hother people to do that.
295
00:12:12,019 --> 00:12:12,821
{\an7}- You just let me--
296
00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:15,326
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\hI tell you what--
let me come down and teach.
297
00:12:15,326 --> 00:12:16,656
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMy son,
he’s in the sixth grade.
298
00:12:16,656 --> 00:12:18,887
{\an7}\h\h\h\hHe’s only driving
at a fourth-grade level.
299
00:12:18,887 --> 00:12:21,722
{\an7}I need to come down there
\h\h\hand teach a class.
300
00:12:21,722 --> 00:12:25,854
{\an7}I can teach those little shits
\h\hto stand up for themselves.
301
00:12:25,854 --> 00:12:27,557
{\an7}- Okay. Well, you continue
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto do that.
302
00:12:27,557 --> 00:12:30,656
{\an7}\h\h- I also can teach them how
to siphon gas from other cars,
303
00:12:30,656 --> 00:12:32,524
{\an7}you know, when you want
\h\hto save some money.
304
00:12:32,524 --> 00:12:35,250
{\an7}That’s just a little something
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon the side.
305
00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:37,953
{\an7}\hYou know, I don’t put that
in the syllabus or anything.
306
00:12:37,953 --> 00:12:41,118
{\an7}- Oh, my God. I’m gonna have
\h\h\h\hto let you go, ma’am.
307
00:12:41,118 --> 00:12:42,392
{\an7}You have a good day.
308
00:12:42,392 --> 00:12:44,019
{\an7}[line clicks]
309
00:12:44,019 --> 00:12:47,722
{\an7}[dramatic music]
310
00:12:47,722 --> 00:12:49,920
{\an7}- Of course, a technician
\h\h\h\hneeds to be there
311
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:50,920
{\an7}to take a look at your chimney,
312
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,821
{\an7}but based on what you’re
\htelling me right now--
313
00:12:52,821 --> 00:12:55,425
{\an7}- Slower, slower, slower,
314
00:12:55,425 --> 00:12:57,458
{\an7}slower, slower.
315
00:12:57,458 --> 00:13:01,392
{\an7}So someone will come out
\hand look at my chimney?
316
00:13:04,691 --> 00:13:07,227
- You want to keep going
with this?
317
00:13:07,293 --> 00:13:09,629
[line trilling]
318
00:13:09,696 --> 00:13:13,833
[upbeat music]
319
00:13:13,900 --> 00:13:17,637
[line trilling]
320
00:13:17,704 --> 00:13:19,405
- Service.
How can I help you?
321
00:13:19,472 --> 00:13:21,774
- Is this the chimney sweep?
322
00:13:21,841 --> 00:13:23,476
- That's correct.
- Wonderful.
323
00:13:23,543 --> 00:13:27,747
I need my chimney
serviced something awful.
324
00:13:27,814 --> 00:13:31,918
- Okay. Yeah, for sure.
325
00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:34,587
- What is your name, love?
What's your name?
326
00:13:34,654 --> 00:13:35,989
- My name is Luis.
327
00:13:36,055 --> 00:13:38,925
- Luis, now, here's
what's happening, all right?
328
00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:42,095
The grime and filth
accumulated in my chimney
329
00:13:42,162 --> 00:13:45,765
over the years requires
a thorough clean, all right?
330
00:13:45,832 --> 00:13:47,233
- All right.
331
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:50,503
- Now, do you do the service,
or does someone else?
332
00:13:50,570 --> 00:13:53,473
- No, I just schedule
the appointment for you
333
00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:55,875
and send one of our technicians
to your place.
334
00:13:55,942 --> 00:13:57,377
- I'm going to be honest
with you.
335
00:13:57,443 --> 00:14:00,013
There was a time when I hid
everything in my chimney--
336
00:14:00,079 --> 00:14:02,482
jewels, coins,
family heirlooms.
337
00:14:02,549 --> 00:14:03,550
- Yeah, yeah.
338
00:14:03,616 --> 00:14:04,884
- There's a flashlight
up there.
339
00:14:04,951 --> 00:14:06,052
I was trying to peek up there,
340
00:14:06,119 --> 00:14:07,353
and, whoops,
I lost the flashlight.
341
00:14:07,420 --> 00:14:08,822
Butterfingers--there's
so many things up there.
342
00:14:08,888 --> 00:14:09,856
- Okay. No--
343
00:14:09,923 --> 00:14:11,491
- I'll stick a poker in there.
344
00:14:11,558 --> 00:14:13,827
I'll stick a poker and poke it,
poke it, poke it.
345
00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:16,229
I just can't seem
to knock anything loose.
346
00:14:16,296 --> 00:14:18,698
You know what I mean?
- Okay.
347
00:14:18,765 --> 00:14:21,401
- Santy Claus does pay a visit
to my chimney every year,
348
00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:22,902
if you know what I'm saying.
349
00:14:22,969 --> 00:14:26,172
And he has left behind
some magical Santy dust.
350
00:14:26,239 --> 00:14:28,208
You know what I mean, Luis?
351
00:14:28,274 --> 00:14:29,909
- Yeah, of course.
352
00:14:29,976 --> 00:14:31,911
So one quick question--
353
00:14:31,978 --> 00:14:34,080
when was the last time
that your chimney was swept?
354
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,850
- Ooh, well...
355
00:14:36,916 --> 00:14:38,518
I'll tell you, between us,
356
00:14:38,585 --> 00:14:41,921
I put on a couple pounds, so
it's been a while, all right?
357
00:14:41,988 --> 00:14:43,923
But I'm ready
to get back in the game.
358
00:14:43,990 --> 00:14:45,592
I'm ready to get my chimney
back in the game.
359
00:14:45,658 --> 00:14:47,093
- Yeah, no worries.
360
00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,862
We can help you with that,
definitely. No worries.
361
00:14:48,928 --> 00:14:50,763
Of course your chimney
needs to be swept.
362
00:14:50,830 --> 00:14:52,532
That's for sure. Basically--
363
00:14:52,599 --> 00:14:54,701
- Describe what they do.
364
00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:57,370
Describe the process
that they do.
365
00:14:57,437 --> 00:15:00,406
- For example, every chimney
is different about size,
366
00:15:00,473 --> 00:15:02,041
the conditions,
and everything, you know?
367
00:15:02,108 --> 00:15:03,943
- My chimney is roomy
but tight.
368
00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:06,112
- In this case,
I cannot tell you
369
00:15:06,179 --> 00:15:08,281
what the process is because,
of course, a technician
370
00:15:08,348 --> 00:15:10,250
needs to be there
to take a look at your chimney,
371
00:15:10,316 --> 00:15:12,051
but based on what you're
telling me right now--
372
00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:14,554
- Slower, slower, slower,
373
00:15:14,621 --> 00:15:17,123
slower, slower.
374
00:15:17,190 --> 00:15:20,360
So someone will come out
and look at my chimney?
375
00:15:20,426 --> 00:15:24,063
- No. In this case,
we can schedule you
376
00:15:24,130 --> 00:15:27,467
for a chimney sweep appointment
right away.
377
00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:29,435
- Last time
I had my chute cleaned,
378
00:15:29,502 --> 00:15:33,072
white smoke came out,
and they named a new pope.
379
00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:35,074
It's been that long.
It's been that long.
380
00:15:35,141 --> 00:15:36,776
- Yeah,
it's been a while, then.
381
00:15:36,843 --> 00:15:37,977
- Yes. Yes.
382
00:15:38,077 --> 00:15:40,713
Now, what sorts of tools
would they use,
383
00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:43,283
'cause I prefer something
made of silicone
384
00:15:43,349 --> 00:15:44,951
for some deep cleaning.
385
00:15:45,084 --> 00:15:46,586
- They have
all the tools that--
386
00:15:46,653 --> 00:15:48,288
every tool
that it needs to be done,
387
00:15:48,354 --> 00:15:50,123
but depending on the conditions
of your chimney,
388
00:15:50,190 --> 00:15:51,791
they use it, you know.
- Mm.
389
00:15:51,858 --> 00:15:53,927
So I can get ready.
I can light some candles.
390
00:15:53,993 --> 00:15:56,796
I can just freshen up a little
bit, maybe put on a robe.
391
00:15:56,863 --> 00:15:59,799
- Exactly. Exactly. You know
what you're talking about.
392
00:15:59,866 --> 00:16:01,000
- Yes. Yes.
393
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:03,236
Should I send some pictures
394
00:16:03,303 --> 00:16:06,139
of my chimney, hmm?
395
00:16:06,206 --> 00:16:10,610
- No. That's not necessary.
Usually we expect the worst.
396
00:16:10,677 --> 00:16:13,680
And I will place in the notes
that your chimney was swept,
397
00:16:13,746 --> 00:16:15,315
like, a while ago
398
00:16:15,381 --> 00:16:17,050
so they can be
prepared beforehand.
399
00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:19,652
- May I tell you something?
- Yeah.
400
00:16:19,719 --> 00:16:22,689
- I had a big bowl of fiber
this morning,
401
00:16:22,755 --> 00:16:24,524
and I believe it's working.
[farting]
402
00:16:24,591 --> 00:16:28,328
I may not need to have my
chimney cleaned out after all.
403
00:16:28,394 --> 00:16:29,829
- Give me one moment, please.
404
00:16:29,896 --> 00:16:31,598
I have another call. I'm gonna
place you on hold, okay?
405
00:16:31,664 --> 00:16:33,066
Just give me
one moment, please.
406
00:16:33,099 --> 00:16:34,634
- Oh, no!
I can't wait a moment!
407
00:16:34,701 --> 00:16:36,336
The fiber is working!
[farting]
408
00:16:36,402 --> 00:16:38,872
Everything is coming
out of my chimney.
409
00:16:38,938 --> 00:16:40,373
- Yeah, I bet it is, sir.
410
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:43,543
- Oh, look,
there's a bowling trophy.
411
00:16:43,610 --> 00:16:44,844
There's a raccoon.
412
00:16:44,911 --> 00:16:47,213
I feel 1,000 pounds lighter.
413
00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,550
Oh, there's my remote.
Time to watch "The Crown."
414
00:16:50,617 --> 00:16:52,485
- Okay. Perfect.
415
00:16:52,552 --> 00:16:54,087
- You're perfect.
416
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,489
Now that we're done
talking about my anus,
417
00:16:56,556 --> 00:16:59,559
do you have someone
who works on fireplaces?
418
00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:01,861
[line clicks]
Toodles.
419
00:17:01,928 --> 00:17:04,731
[upbeat music]
420
00:17:04,797 --> 00:17:08,168
- You say the maximum capacity
is 500 pounds?
421
00:17:08,234 --> 00:17:09,636
- Yeah.
422
00:17:09,702 --> 00:17:11,671
- Last time I took her
to the truck scales,
423
00:17:11,738 --> 00:17:13,173
she was well over 500.
424
00:17:13,239 --> 00:17:15,842
And that's been, God,
at least 7 years ago.
425
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,478
I can't tell you
how many SnackWell's
426
00:17:18,545 --> 00:17:19,946
that was ago.
427
00:17:20,989 --> 00:17:23,286
{\an7}\h- All right.
[clears throat]
428
00:17:23,286 --> 00:17:25,329
{\an7}[line trilling]
429
00:17:25,329 --> 00:17:26,692
{\an7}- [bleep]. This is Taylor.
430
00:17:26,692 --> 00:17:29,428
{\an7}\h\h- Hey, Taylor.
My name’s Birchum.
431
00:17:29,428 --> 00:17:31,758
{\an7}Nice to meet you.
432
00:17:31,758 --> 00:17:32,428
{\an7}- Yeah.
433
00:17:32,428 --> 00:17:36,758
{\an7}- Yeah, hey, do you guys
\hdo towable boom lifts?
434
00:17:36,758 --> 00:17:37,725
{\an7}- Yes, we do.
435
00:17:37,725 --> 00:17:41,253
{\an7}- And what’s the weight
\h\hcapacity on those?
436
00:17:41,253 --> 00:17:42,494
{\an7}- About 500 pounds.
437
00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:45,560
{\an7}- Ooh, that light, huh?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
438
00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,659
{\an7}- Yeah, I got a situation.
439
00:17:47,659 --> 00:17:52,121
{\an7}Um, my wife is morbidly obese.
440
00:17:52,121 --> 00:17:55,088
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\hShe’s in her bed
most of the time upstairs.
441
00:17:55,088 --> 00:17:56,758
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hShe’s got that.
She’s been there for a while.
442
00:17:56,758 --> 00:18:00,154
{\an7}But it’s her 50th birthday
is coming up on Wednesday,
443
00:18:00,154 --> 00:18:02,626
{\an7}and I wanted to get her down
\h\h\h\h\hto the first floor
444
00:18:02,626 --> 00:18:07,022
{\an7}\h\hand bring the family around
and kind of have a celebration.
445
00:18:07,022 --> 00:18:07,857
{\an7}- Yeah.
446
00:18:07,857 --> 00:18:11,022
{\an7}- Yeah, so obviously we can’t
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdo it manually.
447
00:18:11,022 --> 00:18:13,253
{\an7}We got to use some equipment.
448
00:18:13,253 --> 00:18:16,286
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd I think
one of those boom lifts
449
00:18:16,286 --> 00:18:18,989
{\an7}would be just the ticket.
450
00:18:18,989 --> 00:18:22,725
{\an7}- Hmm...let me think.
451
00:18:22,725 --> 00:18:23,286
{\an7}Um...
452
00:18:23,286 --> 00:18:25,626
{\an7}- Last time I took her
\hto the truck scales,
453
00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:26,956
{\an7}she was well over 500,
454
00:18:26,956 --> 00:18:29,560
{\an7}and that’s been, God,
at least 7 years ago.
455
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:33,659
{\an7}I can’t tell you how many
SnackWell’s that was ago.
456
00:18:33,659 --> 00:18:37,857
{\an7}- Yeah, the only other thing
\h\h\h\h\h\hI could think of
457
00:18:37,857 --> 00:18:41,055
{\an7}\h\h\h\hwould be, like,
maybe a reach forklift
458
00:18:41,055 --> 00:18:45,593
{\an7}but with a different attachment
\h\h\h\hor something like that.
459
00:18:45,593 --> 00:18:47,725
{\an7}- They have some kind of--
\h\h\h\h\h\hI don’t know--
460
00:18:47,725 --> 00:18:49,725
{\an7}futon attachment or something?
461
00:18:49,725 --> 00:18:54,121
{\an7}- No, we just have
the fork attachment
462
00:18:54,121 --> 00:18:55,560
{\an7}for that.
463
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,022
{\an7}- Yeah. I don’t know.
464
00:18:57,022 --> 00:19:00,989
{\an7}\h\h\h\hSorry. I feel like I’m
burdening you with my troubles,
465
00:19:00,989 --> 00:19:03,154
{\an7}\h\h\hbut, you know,
when you’re married--
466
00:19:03,154 --> 00:19:03,989
{\an7}- No, that’s okay.
467
00:19:03,989 --> 00:19:07,154
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Obesity--
it’s a killer, you know?
468
00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:08,758
{\an7}\h\h\hIt just--
- Yeah, I bet.
469
00:19:08,758 --> 00:19:13,494
{\an7}- We haven’t had relations in,
\h\h\hGod, got to be a decade.
470
00:19:13,494 --> 00:19:15,989
{\an7}Or I don’t know,
\h\hmaybe we did.
471
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,725
{\an7}You know, it’s hard to tell.
472
00:19:17,725 --> 00:19:18,824
{\an7}I got to be honest with you--
473
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,286
{\an7}\honce you cross that
500-pound threshold,
474
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,286
{\an7}\h\h\hit’s a little
catch-as-catch-can
475
00:19:24,286 --> 00:19:26,890
{\an7}\h\h\hwith the relations,
you know what I’m saying?
476
00:19:26,890 --> 00:19:28,395
{\an7}- Yeah. That’s okay.
477
00:19:28,395 --> 00:19:30,428
{\an7}- Yeah, you got to have
\h\h\h\h\ha positive--
478
00:19:30,428 --> 00:19:31,857
{\an7}You got a man in your life?
479
00:19:31,857 --> 00:19:33,857
{\an7}- Oh, no. Not at the time.
480
00:19:33,857 --> 00:19:36,824
{\an7}- If I had you, I’d hang on
\h\hto you with both hands.
481
00:19:36,824 --> 00:19:39,253
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, thanks.
You should have told him that.
482
00:19:39,253 --> 00:19:41,527
{\an7}\h\h\hHe was a little
too childish for me.
483
00:19:41,527 --> 00:19:45,626
{\an7}- Really? What was he into,
\h\h\hPokémon or something?
484
00:19:45,626 --> 00:19:47,362
{\an7}- [laughing]
485
00:19:47,362 --> 00:19:49,989
{\an7}Oh, too many video games,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor sure.
486
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,626
{\an7}\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, yeah,
first-person shooter.
487
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:53,362
{\an7}- Oh, yeah.
488
00:19:53,362 --> 00:19:58,362
{\an7}\h\hBut it wasn’t gonna make
enough money to help me out.
489
00:19:58,362 --> 00:20:00,187
{\an7}\h\h\h- Well, you know,
let me describe myself,
490
00:20:00,187 --> 00:20:03,154
{\an7}\hnot that I’m throwing
my beret in the ring--
491
00:20:03,154 --> 00:20:07,022
{\an7}but Vietnam Veteran,
492
00:20:07,022 --> 00:20:08,286
{\an7}American,
493
00:20:08,286 --> 00:20:11,659
{\an7}mm-hmm, lover of God
\h\h\h\hand country,
494
00:20:11,659 --> 00:20:12,692
{\an7}go to Sturgis.
495
00:20:12,692 --> 00:20:16,527
{\an7}- Would you like me to give you
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\ha call back
496
00:20:16,527 --> 00:20:19,857
{\an7}if I find anything out for you?
497
00:20:19,857 --> 00:20:21,626
{\an7}- If we’re walking
\h\hdown the street
498
00:20:21,626 --> 00:20:23,890
{\an7}and there was a puddle
\h\h\h\hon the ground,
499
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:27,022
{\an7}I would take my cape off
\h\h\h\h\hand lay it down
500
00:20:27,022 --> 00:20:30,022
{\an7}\h\hso you didn’t get
your dainty feet wet.
501
00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:30,956
{\an7}- Wow.
502
00:20:30,956 --> 00:20:32,527
{\an7}- I mean, I don’t always
\h\h\h\h\h\hwear a cape,
503
00:20:32,527 --> 00:20:34,923
{\an7}so we’d have to chance it,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbut...
504
00:20:34,923 --> 00:20:35,593
{\an7}- Well, dang it.
505
00:20:35,593 --> 00:20:38,593
{\an7}Sir, if there’s nothing else
\h\hthat I can help you with,
506
00:20:38,593 --> 00:20:40,022
{\an7}you have a great day.
507
00:20:40,022 --> 00:20:42,329
{\an7}\h\h\h- We can get married.
I can take you to Sturgis.
508
00:20:42,329 --> 00:20:47,494
{\an7}\hGet you a job at a high-end
tool-rental place over there.
509
00:20:47,494 --> 00:20:48,527
{\an7}[line clicks]
510
00:20:48,527 --> 00:20:53,286
{\an7}- [chuckles] Yeah, I think
she felt a little flattered
511
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,055
{\an7}is what is was.
512
00:20:56,161 --> 00:20:58,963
{\an7}[upbeat music]
513
00:20:58,963 --> 00:21:06,501
{\an7}♪ ♪
514
00:21:18,864 --> 00:21:20,501
{\an7}- Look at that.