1 00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:03,370 [touch tones beeping] 2 00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:04,071 [line trills] 3 00:00:04,964 --> 00:00:06,525 {\an7}[phones ringing] 4 00:00:06,525 --> 00:00:09,360 {\an7}[upbeat music] 5 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,327 {\an7}[children singing] Come one, come all 6 00:00:11,327 --> 00:00:12,657 {\an7}’Cause we’re having a ball 7 00:00:12,657 --> 00:00:16,964 {\an7}\h\h\hWe’re just making some calls to strangers 8 00:00:16,964 --> 00:00:18,228 {\an7}We’re back on the cell 9 00:00:18,228 --> 00:00:20,096 {\an7}And the world’s \h\hgone to hell 10 00:00:20,096 --> 00:00:22,162 {\an7}But you’re gonna \h\h\hfeel swell 11 00:00:22,162 --> 00:00:24,723 {\an7}When they pick up 12 00:00:24,723 --> 00:00:27,393 {\an7}From New York to Alabammer 13 00:00:27,393 --> 00:00:30,855 {\an7}\h\h\hThey’ll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer 14 00:00:30,855 --> 00:00:32,789 {\an7}’Cause we’re disturbing others 15 00:00:32,789 --> 00:00:34,129 {\an7}Maybe even your mother 16 00:00:34,129 --> 00:00:37,228 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hWon’t you join the Crank Yankers tonight? 17 00:00:42,325 --> 00:00:45,261 [line trilling] 18 00:00:45,328 --> 00:00:48,498 [music continues] 19 00:00:48,565 --> 00:00:51,701 [bleep]. This is C. Kramer. How may I help you? 20 00:00:51,768 --> 00:00:54,571 - This is Kramer? - Yes. 21 00:00:54,637 --> 00:00:56,706 - Hi. Hi. My name is Angela. 22 00:00:56,773 --> 00:01:01,077 I was just calling to see if you guys might have my car. 23 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:03,112 - Yeah, the plate number? 24 00:01:03,179 --> 00:01:07,851 - Oh, right out of the gates with the tough questions. 25 00:01:07,917 --> 00:01:10,553 - Maybe I should start out with a question like, 26 00:01:10,620 --> 00:01:13,223 what can you tell me about the car? 27 00:01:13,289 --> 00:01:15,291 - It was...black, 28 00:01:15,358 --> 00:01:18,862 kind of in the black family... [stammers] 29 00:01:18,928 --> 00:01:20,697 Maybe midnight blue, 30 00:01:20,763 --> 00:01:25,268 anywhere kind of on the spectrum from gray to--to-- 31 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,104 to midnight black, I would say. 32 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:31,207 - Who makes it? - It's one of--it's a French-- 33 00:01:31,274 --> 00:01:35,145 it's a French... like, Toyota maybe. 34 00:01:35,211 --> 00:01:37,213 It's a Toyota. Toyota. 35 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:41,284 - Toyota's Japanese. - Oh, then maybe it's not. 36 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:45,221 I know when I left the bar, I was hungry. 37 00:01:45,288 --> 00:01:47,423 And I decided to get some fast food. 38 00:01:47,490 --> 00:01:51,127 There is probably three taco wrappers 39 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:53,463 in the passenger seat, 40 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:57,033 and now not the wrappers that actually--the edible wrappers 41 00:01:57,033 --> 00:02:00,136 that hold the taco, but just the empty wrappers. 42 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:03,106 - Okay. Well, if I ask you questions, 43 00:02:03,173 --> 00:02:06,042 I can ask you for what I need to know. 44 00:02:06,042 --> 00:02:07,443 It'll go quicker that way. 45 00:02:07,510 --> 00:02:08,945 - That would be great. That would be great. 46 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,346 - Okay. - Do you like tacos? 47 00:02:10,413 --> 00:02:13,817 [chuckles] Are you taco fiend like me? 48 00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,485 - I love tacos. - Oh, good. 49 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,153 We'll get along just beautifully. 50 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:20,423 - Unfortunately, that doesn't help me find the car. 51 00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:22,192 - You make a good point. 52 00:02:22,258 --> 00:02:24,861 - Okay. Do you know what street you were parked on? 53 00:02:24,928 --> 00:02:26,463 - I had to pull over. 54 00:02:26,529 --> 00:02:29,766 I was--I was pulled over and, uh... 55 00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:32,802 - What-- I'm really confused. 56 00:02:32,869 --> 00:02:35,472 Were you pulled over, or did you go to get tacos? 57 00:02:35,538 --> 00:02:39,709 - I pulled over, I think, kind of at the same time 58 00:02:39,776 --> 00:02:42,178 that I was perhaps getting pulled over for speeding, 59 00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:44,314 but then I think the police officer saw 60 00:02:44,380 --> 00:02:48,017 just how urgently I needed to get a little snack 61 00:02:48,017 --> 00:02:50,620 and continued on his or her way. 62 00:02:50,687 --> 00:02:53,156 I wasn't able to tell-- or their way. 63 00:02:53,223 --> 00:02:55,792 Yes, I wasn't able to tell the gender. 64 00:02:55,859 --> 00:03:00,330 - You were pulled over for speaking and you got a snack. 65 00:03:00,396 --> 00:03:01,865 Can you try to think real hard 66 00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:05,034 and, like, remember more about the car? 67 00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,470 - It had the sweetest little bell on the handlebars 68 00:03:07,537 --> 00:03:11,307 that would just warn joggers, "Hello, I'm coming through." 69 00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:14,043 It's me. Enjoy your day. 70 00:03:14,043 --> 00:03:17,080 - Try to get the make of the car. 71 00:03:17,147 --> 00:03:18,314 - A Flork? 72 00:03:18,381 --> 00:03:21,151 - [laughs] That's the make of your car? 73 00:03:21,217 --> 00:03:24,254 - Florenzio? Florenzio? Florenzio. 74 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,222 - Florenzio. 75 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:29,058 - Flonda? Dawdle? 76 00:03:29,058 --> 00:03:32,095 - Oh, okay. 77 00:03:32,162 --> 00:03:36,065 Hey, I cannot talk at this time. 78 00:03:36,065 --> 00:03:39,502 If you want to catch me later, I'll be... 79 00:03:39,569 --> 00:03:40,737 - It's--yeah, would you-- 80 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:44,407 Could you give me your cell phone number? 81 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,242 - Uh... 82 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,410 I-- 83 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,579 No. No, thanks. 84 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:52,515 - Okay. I understand and respect that. 85 00:03:52,582 --> 00:03:54,617 A creamer! No, that's your name. 86 00:03:54,684 --> 00:03:56,853 Your name is Kramer, right? - Yeah. 87 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,857 - Oh, I just love you. I just love you. 88 00:04:00,924 --> 00:04:03,193 - You too. I love you, too. 89 00:04:03,259 --> 00:04:05,261 - You do? 90 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:08,398 - I do. I really--I really do. 91 00:04:08,465 --> 00:04:10,099 - I love you. 92 00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,235 - Okay, now, bye. [line clicks] 93 00:04:12,302 --> 00:04:15,238 [engine turning over, tires squealing] 94 00:04:15,305 --> 00:04:19,776 - Was that real, or was he [bleep] with me? 95 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:22,545 - Can a gerbil go out with a hamster? 96 00:04:22,612 --> 00:04:24,948 Can a hamster go out with a guinea pig? 97 00:04:25,048 --> 00:04:27,817 Can they? Are they all fooling around? 98 00:04:27,884 --> 00:04:30,720 [line trilling] - [bleep] hobby center. 99 00:04:30,787 --> 00:04:32,322 Wayne speaking. How can I help you? 100 00:04:32,388 --> 00:04:34,724 - Wayne. Wayne. Wayne. 101 00:04:34,791 --> 00:04:37,494 I got a big issue, man. So here's what happened. 102 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,563 I went on your site. I ordered the Camaro, right? 103 00:04:40,630 --> 00:04:42,599 Now, I saw it was $175. - Okay. 104 00:04:42,665 --> 00:04:44,167 - Let me tell you something, man. 105 00:04:44,234 --> 00:04:47,103 my eyebrows went up like, boing, what? 106 00:04:47,170 --> 00:04:50,607 It's in my budget. It's perfect. It comes. 107 00:04:50,673 --> 00:04:53,276 And it's not a real car, you know. 108 00:04:53,343 --> 00:04:56,179 You guys should put warnings on the site, you know, 109 00:04:56,246 --> 00:04:57,914 or at least show the car. 110 00:04:58,014 --> 00:04:59,649 The car looked so realistic. 111 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:02,519 - Okay. So let's pause for a second, please. 112 00:05:02,585 --> 00:05:04,487 So you ordered from our website, correct? 113 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,022 - Yeah. - Okay. 114 00:05:06,022 --> 00:05:08,191 So what's your name? 115 00:05:08,258 --> 00:05:09,859 - Phil Johnson. 116 00:05:09,926 --> 00:05:11,828 - I'm looking into your order now. 117 00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:13,763 - Look, let me break it down to you. 118 00:05:13,830 --> 00:05:16,533 When it's displayed, it's shown-- 119 00:05:16,599 --> 00:05:18,368 it's not a real car. 120 00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:20,470 You got to show it next to a grown man or something 121 00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,472 so you know it's not a real car. 122 00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:23,940 - I mean, we're a hobby store. 123 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,042 It's obviously not a real car that you could drive. 124 00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:27,377 - Let me finish telling you the story. 125 00:05:27,443 --> 00:05:28,778 That way, you can break it down, 126 00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:30,880 and you can feel my pain right now. 127 00:05:30,947 --> 00:05:33,049 - I can't yet because I don't know what you ordered. 128 00:05:33,116 --> 00:05:36,219 - I had pre-got my insurance coverage. 129 00:05:36,286 --> 00:05:38,721 I even bought a little hula girl for the dashboard. 130 00:05:38,788 --> 00:05:40,523 - Okay. I'm just not seeing your order. 131 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,125 Where are you located? 132 00:05:42,192 --> 00:05:44,861 - [sighs] Oh, man. Wayne. Wayne, you're killing me, man. 133 00:05:44,994 --> 00:05:46,162 - Just work with me. 134 00:05:46,229 --> 00:05:47,564 I'm trying to get some informa-- 135 00:05:47,630 --> 00:05:49,799 gather your information so we can move forward. 136 00:05:49,866 --> 00:05:52,135 - Wayne, do you own a Camaro? 137 00:05:52,202 --> 00:05:54,003 - I own a 10-year-old Chevy Cobalt. 138 00:05:54,070 --> 00:05:55,371 I'm just trying to figure out 139 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,173 what you're talking about, Phil. 140 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:00,477 - If you drive your Chevy to me and then we switch, 141 00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:03,179 you take this little-ass car back--I take yours. 142 00:06:03,246 --> 00:06:05,148 - Yes, but what's your address? 143 00:06:05,215 --> 00:06:07,250 If we sent you out something, we've got an account for you. 144 00:06:07,317 --> 00:06:08,751 - You ever see that movie "Stuart Little" 145 00:06:08,818 --> 00:06:10,186 with that little-ass mouse? 146 00:06:10,253 --> 00:06:11,688 - I didn't watch that. I'm sorry. 147 00:06:11,754 --> 00:06:13,323 I need to know your address. 148 00:06:13,389 --> 00:06:15,091 - I just don't want to go through the whole trouble 149 00:06:15,158 --> 00:06:16,359 of sending it back, man. 150 00:06:16,426 --> 00:06:19,729 Is there some kind of a tiny tow truck 151 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,364 you can hook it to maybe? 152 00:06:21,431 --> 00:06:24,100 That way, at least, if you send little tiny-ass tow truck, 153 00:06:24,167 --> 00:06:26,369 you can get this little tiny-ass car. 154 00:06:26,436 --> 00:06:28,538 - All right, I'm gonna put you through to my manager. 155 00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:29,539 One moment. 156 00:06:29,606 --> 00:06:33,376 - Oh, Wayne, you're killing me! 157 00:06:33,443 --> 00:06:35,245 - This is Brett. Can I help you? 158 00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,580 - Brett, here's the rundown. 159 00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:41,184 I need you to listen to me and understand my pain. 160 00:06:41,251 --> 00:06:42,986 - Sure. What can we do for you? 161 00:06:43,019 --> 00:06:45,421 - Look, I got the Camaro online, right? 162 00:06:45,488 --> 00:06:48,091 The Camaro photo looks too realistic, right? 163 00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:49,793 I'm thinking it's some kind of auction 164 00:06:49,859 --> 00:06:51,561 and I'm getting a real Camaro. 165 00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:54,898 You just can't send a person-- a grown man a car like this. 166 00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,133 I can't pick no girl up in this! 167 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,436 - So you bought a Diecast car. 168 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,071 Is that what we're trying to get at here? 169 00:07:02,138 --> 00:07:04,407 - I didn't ask for no damn Hot Wheels car. 170 00:07:04,474 --> 00:07:07,243 If I got my big ass in this little-ass car, 171 00:07:07,310 --> 00:07:10,814 even a dude in a smart car would laugh at my ass. 172 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,649 He'd be like, "Look at your stupid ass 173 00:07:12,715 --> 00:07:14,017 in that little-ass Camaro." 174 00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,019 That's like little-dick energy I'm giving off. 175 00:07:16,052 --> 00:07:18,087 You know what I'm saying? I'm a big-ass dude. 176 00:07:18,154 --> 00:07:20,657 I'm like 6'2, 200 pounds. 177 00:07:20,723 --> 00:07:22,125 - Sure. Yeah. 178 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:25,028 And, yeah, whenever you order from an auto-parts dealer 179 00:07:25,061 --> 00:07:27,163 or auto dealer, I would expect that you get a real car, 180 00:07:27,230 --> 00:07:29,032 but we're a model shop. 181 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:32,035 So, yes, anything that we sell here would be a model. 182 00:07:32,068 --> 00:07:35,338 - And maybe there's somebody even above you. 183 00:07:35,405 --> 00:07:38,775 There's Wayne, and then there's Brett, 184 00:07:38,842 --> 00:07:40,977 and then it's another dude above you 185 00:07:40,977 --> 00:07:44,414 with another white-man name, like a Chet. 186 00:07:44,481 --> 00:07:48,017 Is there a dude named Chet there who's even above you? 187 00:07:48,084 --> 00:07:50,620 - No. There's not a Chet. Nope. 188 00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:51,988 - Hey, how about this? 189 00:07:52,021 --> 00:07:53,289 How about I come pick you up in it 190 00:07:53,356 --> 00:07:54,858 and you can see how small it is? 191 00:07:54,991 --> 00:07:56,993 And we'll both get in it and take a little spin. 192 00:07:57,026 --> 00:07:58,461 How about that? 193 00:07:58,528 --> 00:08:01,431 - What you ordered from us is not a Camaro. 194 00:08:01,498 --> 00:08:03,299 We don't have any pictures on there 195 00:08:03,366 --> 00:08:04,701 that show different stuff. 196 00:08:04,767 --> 00:08:07,003 So I'm thinking that you may be confused on who it is 197 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,638 that you may have ordered this from. 198 00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,373 - Look, I don't want my money back. 199 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,376 Maybe we could throw in, like, some free oil change 200 00:08:13,443 --> 00:08:15,278 or something like that maybe, you know. 201 00:08:15,345 --> 00:08:17,514 At least I'll get something out of this shit. 202 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,482 - Sure. Yeah. 203 00:08:19,549 --> 00:08:21,317 Yeah, I'm not sure how we would change the oil 204 00:08:21,384 --> 00:08:23,686 on a plastic model, but, yeah. 205 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:25,622 - Brett, I appreciate it, man. 206 00:08:25,688 --> 00:08:28,324 You tell Wayne I said thank you, man. 207 00:08:28,391 --> 00:08:31,161 And hire a dude named Chet to work there also. 208 00:08:31,227 --> 00:08:34,030 Just hire somebody named Chet. - [laughing] I'll look around. 209 00:08:34,030 --> 00:08:35,832 I'll definitely look around and see if there's some Chets. 210 00:08:35,899 --> 00:08:37,801 - Man, you be good, man. 211 00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:39,969 - You do the same. - Peace, man. 212 00:08:40,036 --> 00:08:41,137 [line clicks] 213 00:08:41,204 --> 00:08:45,141 [laughing] 214 00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:49,212 [upbeat music] 215 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:53,349 - And how come the instructors don't carry guns? 216 00:08:53,416 --> 00:08:54,984 - We definitely would not want 217 00:08:55,051 --> 00:08:56,753 to have our instructors carry guns. 218 00:08:56,820 --> 00:08:58,188 - Well, I'ma tell you right now-- 219 00:08:58,254 --> 00:09:00,690 if some bitch in a minivan cuts me off, 220 00:09:00,757 --> 00:09:01,991 she gonna get T-boned. 221 00:09:02,058 --> 00:09:03,860 I'm gonna tell you that right now. 222 00:09:05,821 --> 00:09:08,293 {\an7}[line trilling] 223 00:09:08,293 --> 00:09:10,184 {\an7}\h\h- Thank you for calling Coach Rider Driving School. 224 00:09:10,184 --> 00:09:12,722 {\an7}\h\hThis is Roland. How may I help you? 225 00:09:12,722 --> 00:09:13,755 {\an7}- Hello, Roland. 226 00:09:13,755 --> 00:09:18,788 {\an7}\h\hLook, my son is taking driving lessons from y’all. 227 00:09:18,788 --> 00:09:22,920 {\an7}\h\hAnd I need to know what the curriculum is, 228 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,491 {\an7}because what he told me-- 229 00:09:25,491 --> 00:09:27,854 {\an7}\h\h\hy’all are teaching some nonsense over there. 230 00:09:27,854 --> 00:09:30,085 {\an7}\hY’all gonna get this boy killed. 231 00:09:30,085 --> 00:09:33,854 {\an7}- So what’s the, um... 232 00:09:33,854 --> 00:09:34,656 {\an7}the particular... 233 00:09:34,656 --> 00:09:39,656 {\an7}- Well, the particular issue is y’all are not teaching him 234 00:09:39,656 --> 00:09:42,590 {\an7}\h\hthe proper way to handle driving, 235 00:09:42,590 --> 00:09:44,722 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know, and being safe on the road. 236 00:09:44,722 --> 00:09:48,359 {\an7}\h\h\hHe told me he was at a stop sign, right? 237 00:09:48,359 --> 00:09:52,052 {\an7}\hAnd he was waiting to make a left turn, 238 00:09:52,052 --> 00:09:56,085 {\an7}and some guy honked at him \h\h\hand flipped him off. 239 00:09:56,085 --> 00:10:00,052 {\an7}And guess what the instructor \h\h\h\h\h\h\htold him to do. 240 00:10:00,052 --> 00:10:01,425 {\an7}To ignore him. 241 00:10:01,425 --> 00:10:02,184 {\an7}- Okay. Well, I... 242 00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:04,722 {\an7}- You know what you got to do \h\hwith a bully on the road? 243 00:10:04,722 --> 00:10:08,953 {\an7}You got to drive and get \hright up on his bumper 244 00:10:08,953 --> 00:10:11,755 {\an7}and follow that jackass \h\h\hall the way home. 245 00:10:11,755 --> 00:10:14,557 {\an7}\h- Yeah, well, I mean, I do apologize, ma’am. 246 00:10:14,557 --> 00:10:16,788 {\an7}We definitely do not encourage \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hour students 247 00:10:16,788 --> 00:10:22,151 {\an7}\hto ride up on other cars and threaten other people. 248 00:10:22,151 --> 00:10:26,019 {\an7}- And how come the instructors \h\h\h\h\h\h\hdon’t carry guns? 249 00:10:26,019 --> 00:10:27,755 {\an7}\hHow come y’all don’t have a gun? 250 00:10:27,755 --> 00:10:30,986 {\an7}\h\h- You know, the safe thing is not to be ignorant with them 251 00:10:30,986 --> 00:10:34,052 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hand get violent or aggressive with them. 252 00:10:34,052 --> 00:10:35,920 {\an7}And we definitely \hwould not want 253 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,151 {\an7}to have our instructors \h\h\h\h\h\hcarry guns. 254 00:10:38,151 --> 00:10:38,821 {\an7}- No, baby. 255 00:10:38,821 --> 00:10:42,217 {\an7}\h\h\hThe safe thing to do is you got to be extra ignorant. 256 00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:44,458 {\an7}You got to out-ignorant them. 257 00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:46,524 {\an7}- I know, but if somebody \h\h\h\h\his rude to you, 258 00:10:46,524 --> 00:10:49,250 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hfollowing them and creating an altercation 259 00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:51,623 {\an7}is not the safe thing \h\h\h\hto do, ma’am. 260 00:10:51,623 --> 00:10:52,821 {\an7}- Well, I’ma tell you \h\h\h\h\hright now-- 261 00:10:52,821 --> 00:10:55,788 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hif some bitch in a minivan cuts me off, 262 00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:56,920 {\an7}she gonna get T-boned. 263 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,920 {\an7}I’m gonna tell you \h\hthat right now. 264 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:00,920 {\an7}- Well, you don’t run them \h\h\h\h\h\h\hoff the road. 265 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,359 {\an7}- You do run them off the road. 266 00:11:02,359 --> 00:11:06,887 {\an7}\h\h\hWhy do you think there’s 27 "Fast & the Furious" movies? 267 00:11:06,887 --> 00:11:09,085 {\an7}\h\h\h\hThey didn’t make a "Driving Miss Daisy 2." 268 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,524 {\an7}- Well, that’s a movie. \h\h\h\hThat’s a movie. 269 00:11:10,524 --> 00:11:12,953 {\an7}\h\h\hAnd we’re talking about how to teach people to drive. 270 00:11:12,953 --> 00:11:14,491 {\an7}So I don’t see the connection. 271 00:11:14,491 --> 00:11:17,491 {\an7}\h- I bet y’all you signals and everything, don’t you? 272 00:11:17,491 --> 00:11:18,788 {\an7}- Well, our job is \h\hto teach people 273 00:11:18,788 --> 00:11:21,920 {\an7}to be successful on their tests \h\h\h\hand to be safe drivers, 274 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,986 {\an7}and that’s what officers \h\h\h\h\h\hwant to see. 275 00:11:24,986 --> 00:11:28,425 {\an7}- Well, have you ever backed up \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon an on-ramp? 276 00:11:28,425 --> 00:11:29,722 {\an7}- Have you? 277 00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:30,491 {\an7}- Oh, hell, yeah. 278 00:11:30,491 --> 00:11:33,656 {\an7}\hIf that ain’t the way I want to go, you back that sucker up. 279 00:11:33,656 --> 00:11:34,986 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hGo to where you’re supposed to go. 280 00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:36,887 {\an7}- Oh, yeah, back up \h\hon the on-ramp 281 00:11:36,887 --> 00:11:37,920 {\an7}and go the opposite direction 282 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,151 {\an7}where oncoming traffic \h\his coming at you-- 283 00:11:40,151 --> 00:11:40,920 {\an7}that sounds good. 284 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,151 {\an7}Everything you wouldn’t want \h\hto do she says she does. 285 00:11:44,151 --> 00:11:46,425 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h- I bet you put your seat belts on, too, don’t you? 286 00:11:46,425 --> 00:11:48,953 {\an7}- That’s what most people \h\h\hare supposed to do. 287 00:11:48,953 --> 00:11:53,986 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h- Hey, the proper way is, before you open your door, 288 00:11:53,986 --> 00:11:56,689 {\an7}you take your seat belt, you click that bitch in, 289 00:11:56,689 --> 00:11:59,557 {\an7}\h\hand then you sit down on top of the seat belt. 290 00:11:59,557 --> 00:12:02,250 {\an7}That’s how real Gs do it. 291 00:12:02,250 --> 00:12:03,722 {\an7}- Real Gs. Okay. \h\h\h\h\h- Yeah. 292 00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:06,854 {\an7}- Let God handle it. - Let God handle it. 293 00:12:06,854 --> 00:12:09,019 {\an7}- That’s why they say, "Jesus take the wheel." 294 00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:12,019 {\an7}- Hopefully you’re not teaching \h\h\hother people to do that. 295 00:12:12,019 --> 00:12:12,821 {\an7}- You just let me-- 296 00:12:12,821 --> 00:12:15,326 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hI tell you what-- let me come down and teach. 297 00:12:15,326 --> 00:12:16,656 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMy son, he’s in the sixth grade. 298 00:12:16,656 --> 00:12:18,887 {\an7}\h\h\h\hHe’s only driving at a fourth-grade level. 299 00:12:18,887 --> 00:12:21,722 {\an7}I need to come down there \h\h\hand teach a class. 300 00:12:21,722 --> 00:12:25,854 {\an7}I can teach those little shits \h\hto stand up for themselves. 301 00:12:25,854 --> 00:12:27,557 {\an7}- Okay. Well, you continue \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto do that. 302 00:12:27,557 --> 00:12:30,656 {\an7}\h\h- I also can teach them how to siphon gas from other cars, 303 00:12:30,656 --> 00:12:32,524 {\an7}you know, when you want \h\hto save some money. 304 00:12:32,524 --> 00:12:35,250 {\an7}That’s just a little something \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon the side. 305 00:12:35,250 --> 00:12:37,953 {\an7}\hYou know, I don’t put that in the syllabus or anything. 306 00:12:37,953 --> 00:12:41,118 {\an7}- Oh, my God. I’m gonna have \h\h\h\hto let you go, ma’am. 307 00:12:41,118 --> 00:12:42,392 {\an7}You have a good day. 308 00:12:42,392 --> 00:12:44,019 {\an7}[line clicks] 309 00:12:44,019 --> 00:12:47,722 {\an7}[dramatic music] 310 00:12:47,722 --> 00:12:49,920 {\an7}- Of course, a technician \h\h\h\hneeds to be there 311 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:50,920 {\an7}to take a look at your chimney, 312 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,821 {\an7}but based on what you’re \htelling me right now-- 313 00:12:52,821 --> 00:12:55,425 {\an7}- Slower, slower, slower, 314 00:12:55,425 --> 00:12:57,458 {\an7}slower, slower. 315 00:12:57,458 --> 00:13:01,392 {\an7}So someone will come out \hand look at my chimney? 316 00:13:04,691 --> 00:13:07,227 - You want to keep going with this? 317 00:13:07,293 --> 00:13:09,629 [line trilling] 318 00:13:09,696 --> 00:13:13,833 [upbeat music] 319 00:13:13,900 --> 00:13:17,637 [line trilling] 320 00:13:17,704 --> 00:13:19,405 - Service. How can I help you? 321 00:13:19,472 --> 00:13:21,774 - Is this the chimney sweep? 322 00:13:21,841 --> 00:13:23,476 - That's correct. - Wonderful. 323 00:13:23,543 --> 00:13:27,747 I need my chimney serviced something awful. 324 00:13:27,814 --> 00:13:31,918 - Okay. Yeah, for sure. 325 00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:34,587 - What is your name, love? What's your name? 326 00:13:34,654 --> 00:13:35,989 - My name is Luis. 327 00:13:36,055 --> 00:13:38,925 - Luis, now, here's what's happening, all right? 328 00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:42,095 The grime and filth accumulated in my chimney 329 00:13:42,162 --> 00:13:45,765 over the years requires a thorough clean, all right? 330 00:13:45,832 --> 00:13:47,233 - All right. 331 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:50,503 - Now, do you do the service, or does someone else? 332 00:13:50,570 --> 00:13:53,473 - No, I just schedule the appointment for you 333 00:13:53,540 --> 00:13:55,875 and send one of our technicians to your place. 334 00:13:55,942 --> 00:13:57,377 - I'm going to be honest with you. 335 00:13:57,443 --> 00:14:00,013 There was a time when I hid everything in my chimney-- 336 00:14:00,079 --> 00:14:02,482 jewels, coins, family heirlooms. 337 00:14:02,549 --> 00:14:03,550 - Yeah, yeah. 338 00:14:03,616 --> 00:14:04,884 - There's a flashlight up there. 339 00:14:04,951 --> 00:14:06,052 I was trying to peek up there, 340 00:14:06,119 --> 00:14:07,353 and, whoops, I lost the flashlight. 341 00:14:07,420 --> 00:14:08,822 Butterfingers--there's so many things up there. 342 00:14:08,888 --> 00:14:09,856 - Okay. No-- 343 00:14:09,923 --> 00:14:11,491 - I'll stick a poker in there. 344 00:14:11,558 --> 00:14:13,827 I'll stick a poker and poke it, poke it, poke it. 345 00:14:13,893 --> 00:14:16,229 I just can't seem to knock anything loose. 346 00:14:16,296 --> 00:14:18,698 You know what I mean? - Okay. 347 00:14:18,765 --> 00:14:21,401 - Santy Claus does pay a visit to my chimney every year, 348 00:14:21,467 --> 00:14:22,902 if you know what I'm saying. 349 00:14:22,969 --> 00:14:26,172 And he has left behind some magical Santy dust. 350 00:14:26,239 --> 00:14:28,208 You know what I mean, Luis? 351 00:14:28,274 --> 00:14:29,909 - Yeah, of course. 352 00:14:29,976 --> 00:14:31,911 So one quick question-- 353 00:14:31,978 --> 00:14:34,080 when was the last time that your chimney was swept? 354 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,850 - Ooh, well... 355 00:14:36,916 --> 00:14:38,518 I'll tell you, between us, 356 00:14:38,585 --> 00:14:41,921 I put on a couple pounds, so it's been a while, all right? 357 00:14:41,988 --> 00:14:43,923 But I'm ready to get back in the game. 358 00:14:43,990 --> 00:14:45,592 I'm ready to get my chimney back in the game. 359 00:14:45,658 --> 00:14:47,093 - Yeah, no worries. 360 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,862 We can help you with that, definitely. No worries. 361 00:14:48,928 --> 00:14:50,763 Of course your chimney needs to be swept. 362 00:14:50,830 --> 00:14:52,532 That's for sure. Basically-- 363 00:14:52,599 --> 00:14:54,701 - Describe what they do. 364 00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:57,370 Describe the process that they do. 365 00:14:57,437 --> 00:15:00,406 - For example, every chimney is different about size, 366 00:15:00,473 --> 00:15:02,041 the conditions, and everything, you know? 367 00:15:02,108 --> 00:15:03,943 - My chimney is roomy but tight. 368 00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:06,112 - In this case, I cannot tell you 369 00:15:06,179 --> 00:15:08,281 what the process is because, of course, a technician 370 00:15:08,348 --> 00:15:10,250 needs to be there to take a look at your chimney, 371 00:15:10,316 --> 00:15:12,051 but based on what you're telling me right now-- 372 00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:14,554 - Slower, slower, slower, 373 00:15:14,621 --> 00:15:17,123 slower, slower. 374 00:15:17,190 --> 00:15:20,360 So someone will come out and look at my chimney? 375 00:15:20,426 --> 00:15:24,063 - No. In this case, we can schedule you 376 00:15:24,130 --> 00:15:27,467 for a chimney sweep appointment right away. 377 00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:29,435 - Last time I had my chute cleaned, 378 00:15:29,502 --> 00:15:33,072 white smoke came out, and they named a new pope. 379 00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:35,074 It's been that long. It's been that long. 380 00:15:35,141 --> 00:15:36,776 - Yeah, it's been a while, then. 381 00:15:36,843 --> 00:15:37,977 - Yes. Yes. 382 00:15:38,077 --> 00:15:40,713 Now, what sorts of tools would they use, 383 00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:43,283 'cause I prefer something made of silicone 384 00:15:43,349 --> 00:15:44,951 for some deep cleaning. 385 00:15:45,084 --> 00:15:46,586 - They have all the tools that-- 386 00:15:46,653 --> 00:15:48,288 every tool that it needs to be done, 387 00:15:48,354 --> 00:15:50,123 but depending on the conditions of your chimney, 388 00:15:50,190 --> 00:15:51,791 they use it, you know. - Mm. 389 00:15:51,858 --> 00:15:53,927 So I can get ready. I can light some candles. 390 00:15:53,993 --> 00:15:56,796 I can just freshen up a little bit, maybe put on a robe. 391 00:15:56,863 --> 00:15:59,799 - Exactly. Exactly. You know what you're talking about. 392 00:15:59,866 --> 00:16:01,000 - Yes. Yes. 393 00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:03,236 Should I send some pictures 394 00:16:03,303 --> 00:16:06,139 of my chimney, hmm? 395 00:16:06,206 --> 00:16:10,610 - No. That's not necessary. Usually we expect the worst. 396 00:16:10,677 --> 00:16:13,680 And I will place in the notes that your chimney was swept, 397 00:16:13,746 --> 00:16:15,315 like, a while ago 398 00:16:15,381 --> 00:16:17,050 so they can be prepared beforehand. 399 00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:19,652 - May I tell you something? - Yeah. 400 00:16:19,719 --> 00:16:22,689 - I had a big bowl of fiber this morning, 401 00:16:22,755 --> 00:16:24,524 and I believe it's working. [farting] 402 00:16:24,591 --> 00:16:28,328 I may not need to have my chimney cleaned out after all. 403 00:16:28,394 --> 00:16:29,829 - Give me one moment, please. 404 00:16:29,896 --> 00:16:31,598 I have another call. I'm gonna place you on hold, okay? 405 00:16:31,664 --> 00:16:33,066 Just give me one moment, please. 406 00:16:33,099 --> 00:16:34,634 - Oh, no! I can't wait a moment! 407 00:16:34,701 --> 00:16:36,336 The fiber is working! [farting] 408 00:16:36,402 --> 00:16:38,872 Everything is coming out of my chimney. 409 00:16:38,938 --> 00:16:40,373 - Yeah, I bet it is, sir. 410 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:43,543 - Oh, look, there's a bowling trophy. 411 00:16:43,610 --> 00:16:44,844 There's a raccoon. 412 00:16:44,911 --> 00:16:47,213 I feel 1,000 pounds lighter. 413 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,550 Oh, there's my remote. Time to watch "The Crown." 414 00:16:50,617 --> 00:16:52,485 - Okay. Perfect. 415 00:16:52,552 --> 00:16:54,087 - You're perfect. 416 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,489 Now that we're done talking about my anus, 417 00:16:56,556 --> 00:16:59,559 do you have someone who works on fireplaces? 418 00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:01,861 [line clicks] Toodles. 419 00:17:01,928 --> 00:17:04,731 [upbeat music] 420 00:17:04,797 --> 00:17:08,168 - You say the maximum capacity is 500 pounds? 421 00:17:08,234 --> 00:17:09,636 - Yeah. 422 00:17:09,702 --> 00:17:11,671 - Last time I took her to the truck scales, 423 00:17:11,738 --> 00:17:13,173 she was well over 500. 424 00:17:13,239 --> 00:17:15,842 And that's been, God, at least 7 years ago. 425 00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,478 I can't tell you how many SnackWell's 426 00:17:18,545 --> 00:17:19,946 that was ago. 427 00:17:20,989 --> 00:17:23,286 {\an7}\h- All right. [clears throat] 428 00:17:23,286 --> 00:17:25,329 {\an7}[line trilling] 429 00:17:25,329 --> 00:17:26,692 {\an7}- [bleep]. This is Taylor. 430 00:17:26,692 --> 00:17:29,428 {\an7}\h\h- Hey, Taylor. My name’s Birchum. 431 00:17:29,428 --> 00:17:31,758 {\an7}Nice to meet you. 432 00:17:31,758 --> 00:17:32,428 {\an7}- Yeah. 433 00:17:32,428 --> 00:17:36,758 {\an7}- Yeah, hey, do you guys \hdo towable boom lifts? 434 00:17:36,758 --> 00:17:37,725 {\an7}- Yes, we do. 435 00:17:37,725 --> 00:17:41,253 {\an7}- And what’s the weight \h\hcapacity on those? 436 00:17:41,253 --> 00:17:42,494 {\an7}- About 500 pounds. 437 00:17:42,494 --> 00:17:45,560 {\an7}- Ooh, that light, huh? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah. 438 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,659 {\an7}- Yeah, I got a situation. 439 00:17:47,659 --> 00:17:52,121 {\an7}Um, my wife is morbidly obese. 440 00:17:52,121 --> 00:17:55,088 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\hShe’s in her bed most of the time upstairs. 441 00:17:55,088 --> 00:17:56,758 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\hShe’s got that. She’s been there for a while. 442 00:17:56,758 --> 00:18:00,154 {\an7}But it’s her 50th birthday is coming up on Wednesday, 443 00:18:00,154 --> 00:18:02,626 {\an7}and I wanted to get her down \h\h\h\h\hto the first floor 444 00:18:02,626 --> 00:18:07,022 {\an7}\h\hand bring the family around and kind of have a celebration. 445 00:18:07,022 --> 00:18:07,857 {\an7}- Yeah. 446 00:18:07,857 --> 00:18:11,022 {\an7}- Yeah, so obviously we can’t \h\h\h\h\h\h\hdo it manually. 447 00:18:11,022 --> 00:18:13,253 {\an7}We got to use some equipment. 448 00:18:13,253 --> 00:18:16,286 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd I think one of those boom lifts 449 00:18:16,286 --> 00:18:18,989 {\an7}would be just the ticket. 450 00:18:18,989 --> 00:18:22,725 {\an7}- Hmm...let me think. 451 00:18:22,725 --> 00:18:23,286 {\an7}Um... 452 00:18:23,286 --> 00:18:25,626 {\an7}- Last time I took her \hto the truck scales, 453 00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:26,956 {\an7}she was well over 500, 454 00:18:26,956 --> 00:18:29,560 {\an7}and that’s been, God, at least 7 years ago. 455 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:33,659 {\an7}I can’t tell you how many SnackWell’s that was ago. 456 00:18:33,659 --> 00:18:37,857 {\an7}- Yeah, the only other thing \h\h\h\h\h\hI could think of 457 00:18:37,857 --> 00:18:41,055 {\an7}\h\h\h\hwould be, like, maybe a reach forklift 458 00:18:41,055 --> 00:18:45,593 {\an7}but with a different attachment \h\h\h\hor something like that. 459 00:18:45,593 --> 00:18:47,725 {\an7}- They have some kind of-- \h\h\h\h\h\hI don’t know-- 460 00:18:47,725 --> 00:18:49,725 {\an7}futon attachment or something? 461 00:18:49,725 --> 00:18:54,121 {\an7}- No, we just have the fork attachment 462 00:18:54,121 --> 00:18:55,560 {\an7}for that. 463 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,022 {\an7}- Yeah. I don’t know. 464 00:18:57,022 --> 00:19:00,989 {\an7}\h\h\h\hSorry. I feel like I’m burdening you with my troubles, 465 00:19:00,989 --> 00:19:03,154 {\an7}\h\h\hbut, you know, when you’re married-- 466 00:19:03,154 --> 00:19:03,989 {\an7}- No, that’s okay. 467 00:19:03,989 --> 00:19:07,154 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Obesity-- it’s a killer, you know? 468 00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:08,758 {\an7}\h\h\hIt just-- - Yeah, I bet. 469 00:19:08,758 --> 00:19:13,494 {\an7}- We haven’t had relations in, \h\h\hGod, got to be a decade. 470 00:19:13,494 --> 00:19:15,989 {\an7}Or I don’t know, \h\hmaybe we did. 471 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,725 {\an7}You know, it’s hard to tell. 472 00:19:17,725 --> 00:19:18,824 {\an7}I got to be honest with you-- 473 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,286 {\an7}\honce you cross that 500-pound threshold, 474 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,286 {\an7}\h\h\hit’s a little catch-as-catch-can 475 00:19:24,286 --> 00:19:26,890 {\an7}\h\h\hwith the relations, you know what I’m saying? 476 00:19:26,890 --> 00:19:28,395 {\an7}- Yeah. That’s okay. 477 00:19:28,395 --> 00:19:30,428 {\an7}- Yeah, you got to have \h\h\h\h\ha positive-- 478 00:19:30,428 --> 00:19:31,857 {\an7}You got a man in your life? 479 00:19:31,857 --> 00:19:33,857 {\an7}- Oh, no. Not at the time. 480 00:19:33,857 --> 00:19:36,824 {\an7}- If I had you, I’d hang on \h\hto you with both hands. 481 00:19:36,824 --> 00:19:39,253 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, thanks. You should have told him that. 482 00:19:39,253 --> 00:19:41,527 {\an7}\h\h\hHe was a little too childish for me. 483 00:19:41,527 --> 00:19:45,626 {\an7}- Really? What was he into, \h\h\hPokémon or something? 484 00:19:45,626 --> 00:19:47,362 {\an7}- [laughing] 485 00:19:47,362 --> 00:19:49,989 {\an7}Oh, too many video games, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor sure. 486 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,626 {\an7}\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, yeah, first-person shooter. 487 00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:53,362 {\an7}- Oh, yeah. 488 00:19:53,362 --> 00:19:58,362 {\an7}\h\hBut it wasn’t gonna make enough money to help me out. 489 00:19:58,362 --> 00:20:00,187 {\an7}\h\h\h- Well, you know, let me describe myself, 490 00:20:00,187 --> 00:20:03,154 {\an7}\hnot that I’m throwing my beret in the ring-- 491 00:20:03,154 --> 00:20:07,022 {\an7}but Vietnam Veteran, 492 00:20:07,022 --> 00:20:08,286 {\an7}American, 493 00:20:08,286 --> 00:20:11,659 {\an7}mm-hmm, lover of God \h\h\h\hand country, 494 00:20:11,659 --> 00:20:12,692 {\an7}go to Sturgis. 495 00:20:12,692 --> 00:20:16,527 {\an7}- Would you like me to give you \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\ha call back 496 00:20:16,527 --> 00:20:19,857 {\an7}if I find anything out for you? 497 00:20:19,857 --> 00:20:21,626 {\an7}- If we’re walking \h\hdown the street 498 00:20:21,626 --> 00:20:23,890 {\an7}and there was a puddle \h\h\h\hon the ground, 499 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:27,022 {\an7}I would take my cape off \h\h\h\h\hand lay it down 500 00:20:27,022 --> 00:20:30,022 {\an7}\h\hso you didn’t get your dainty feet wet. 501 00:20:30,022 --> 00:20:30,956 {\an7}- Wow. 502 00:20:30,956 --> 00:20:32,527 {\an7}- I mean, I don’t always \h\h\h\h\h\hwear a cape, 503 00:20:32,527 --> 00:20:34,923 {\an7}so we’d have to chance it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbut... 504 00:20:34,923 --> 00:20:35,593 {\an7}- Well, dang it. 505 00:20:35,593 --> 00:20:38,593 {\an7}Sir, if there’s nothing else \h\hthat I can help you with, 506 00:20:38,593 --> 00:20:40,022 {\an7}you have a great day. 507 00:20:40,022 --> 00:20:42,329 {\an7}\h\h\h- We can get married. I can take you to Sturgis. 508 00:20:42,329 --> 00:20:47,494 {\an7}\hGet you a job at a high-end tool-rental place over there. 509 00:20:47,494 --> 00:20:48,527 {\an7}[line clicks] 510 00:20:48,527 --> 00:20:53,286 {\an7}- [chuckles] Yeah, I think she felt a little flattered 511 00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,055 {\an7}is what is was. 512 00:20:56,161 --> 00:20:58,963 {\an7}[upbeat music] 513 00:20:58,963 --> 00:21:06,501 {\an7}♪ ♪ 514 00:21:18,864 --> 00:21:20,501 {\an7}- Look at that.