[touch tones beeping]
[line trills]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
’Cause we’re having a ball
\h\h\hWe’re just making some calls to strangers
We’re back on the cell
And the world’s \h\hgone to hell
But you’re gonna \h\h\hfeel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
\h\h\hThey’ll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
’Cause we’re disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
\h\h\h\h\h\hWon’t you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
[line trilling]
[music continues]
[bleep]. This is C. Kramer. How may I help you?
- This is Kramer? - Yes.
- Hi. Hi. My name is Angela.
I was just calling to see if you guys might have my car.
- Yeah, the plate number?
- Oh, right out of the gates with the tough questions.
- Maybe I should start out with a question like,
what can you tell me about the car?
- It was...black,
kind of in the black family... [stammers]
Maybe midnight blue,
anywhere kind of on the spectrum from gray to--to--
to midnight black, I would say.
- Who makes it? - It's one of--it's a French--
it's a French... like, Toyota maybe.
It's a Toyota. Toyota.
- Toyota's Japanese. - Oh, then maybe it's not.
I know when I left the bar, I was hungry.
And I decided to get some fast food.
There is probably three taco wrappers
in the passenger seat,
and now not the wrappers that actually--the edible wrappers
that hold the taco, but just the empty wrappers.
- Okay. Well, if I ask you questions,
I can ask you for what I need to know.
It'll go quicker that way.
- That would be great. That would be great.
- Okay. - Do you like tacos?
[chuckles] Are you taco fiend like me?
- I love tacos. - Oh, good.
We'll get along just beautifully.
- Unfortunately, that doesn't help me find the car.
- You make a good point.
- Okay. Do you know what street you were parked on?
- I had to pull over.
I was--I was pulled over and, uh...
- What-- I'm really confused.
Were you pulled over, or did you go to get tacos?
- I pulled over, I think, kind of at the same time
that I was perhaps getting pulled over for speeding,
but then I think the police officer saw
just how urgently I needed to get a little snack
and continued on his or her way.
I wasn't able to tell-- or their way.
Yes, I wasn't able to tell the gender.
- You were pulled over for speaking and you got a snack.
Can you try to think real hard
and, like, remember more about the car?
- It had the sweetest little bell on the handlebars
that would just warn joggers, "Hello, I'm coming through."
It's me. Enjoy your day.
- Try to get the make of the car.
- A Flork?
- [laughs] That's the make of your car?
- Florenzio? Florenzio? Florenzio.
- Florenzio.
- Flonda? Dawdle?
- Oh, okay.
Hey, I cannot talk at this time.
If you want to catch me later, I'll be...
- It's--yeah, would you--
Could you give me your cell phone number?
- Uh...
I--
No. No, thanks.
- Okay. I understand and respect that.
A creamer! No, that's your name.
Your name is Kramer, right? - Yeah.
- Oh, I just love you. I just love you.
- You too. I love you, too.
- You do?
- I do. I really--I really do.
- I love you.
- Okay, now, bye. [line clicks]
[engine turning over, tires squealing]
- Was that real, or was he [bleep] with me?
- Can a gerbil go out with a hamster?
Can a hamster go out with a guinea pig?
Can they? Are they all fooling around?
[line trilling] - [bleep] hobby center.
Wayne speaking. How can I help you?
- Wayne. Wayne. Wayne.
I got a big issue, man. So here's what happened.
I went on your site. I ordered the Camaro, right?
Now, I saw it was $175. - Okay.
- Let me tell you something, man.
my eyebrows went up like, boing, what?
It's in my budget. It's perfect. It comes.
And it's not a real car, you know.
You guys should put warnings on the site, you know,
or at least show the car.
The car looked so realistic.
- Okay. So let's pause for a second, please.
So you ordered from our website, correct?
- Yeah. - Okay.
So what's your name?
- Phil Johnson.
- I'm looking into your order now.
- Look, let me break it down to you.
When it's displayed, it's shown--
it's not a real car.
You got to show it next to a grown man or something
so you know it's not a real car.
- I mean, we're a hobby store.
It's obviously not a real car that you could drive.
- Let me finish telling you the story.
That way, you can break it down,
and you can feel my pain right now.
- I can't yet because I don't know what you ordered.
- I had pre-got my insurance coverage.
I even bought a little hula girl for the dashboard.
- Okay. I'm just not seeing your order.
Where are you located?
- [sighs] Oh, man. Wayne. Wayne, you're killing me, man.
- Just work with me.
I'm trying to get some informa--
gather your information so we can move forward.
- Wayne, do you own a Camaro?
- I own a 10-year-old Chevy Cobalt.
I'm just trying to figure out
what you're talking about, Phil.
- If you drive your Chevy to me and then we switch,
you take this little-ass car back--I take yours.
- Yes, but what's your address?
If we sent you out something, we've got an account for you.
- You ever see that movie "Stuart Little"
with that little-ass mouse?
- I didn't watch that. I'm sorry.
I need to know your address.
- I just don't want to go through the whole trouble
of sending it back, man.
Is there some kind of a tiny tow truck
you can hook it to maybe?
That way, at least, if you send little tiny-ass tow truck,
you can get this little tiny-ass car.
- All right, I'm gonna put you through to my manager.
One moment.
- Oh, Wayne, you're killing me!
- This is Brett. Can I help you?
- Brett, here's the rundown.
I need you to listen to me and understand my pain.
- Sure. What can we do for you?
- Look, I got the Camaro online, right?
The Camaro photo looks too realistic, right?
I'm thinking it's some kind of auction
and I'm getting a real Camaro.
You just can't send a person-- a grown man a car like this.
I can't pick no girl up in this!
- So you bought a Diecast car.
Is that what we're trying to get at here?
- I didn't ask for no damn Hot Wheels car.
If I got my big ass in this little-ass car,
even a dude in a smart car would laugh at my ass.
He'd be like, "Look at your stupid ass
in that little-ass Camaro."
That's like little-dick energy I'm giving off.
You know what I'm saying? I'm a big-ass dude.
I'm like 6'2, 200 pounds.
- Sure. Yeah.
And, yeah, whenever you order from an auto-parts dealer
or auto dealer, I would expect that you get a real car,
but we're a model shop.
So, yes, anything that we sell here would be a model.
- And maybe there's somebody even above you.
There's Wayne, and then there's Brett,
and then it's another dude above you
with another white-man name, like a Chet.
Is there a dude named Chet there who's even above you?
- No. There's not a Chet. Nope.
- Hey, how about this?
How about I come pick you up in it
and you can see how small it is?
And we'll both get in it and take a little spin.
How about that?
- What you ordered from us is not a Camaro.
We don't have any pictures on there
that show different stuff.
So I'm thinking that you may be confused on who it is
that you may have ordered this from.
- Look, I don't want my money back.
Maybe we could throw in, like, some free oil change
or something like that maybe, you know.
At least I'll get something out of this shit.
- Sure. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm not sure how we would change the oil
on a plastic model, but, yeah.
- Brett, I appreciate it, man.
You tell Wayne I said thank you, man.
And hire a dude named Chet to work there also.
Just hire somebody named Chet. - [laughing] I'll look around.
I'll definitely look around and see if there's some Chets.
- Man, you be good, man.
- You do the same. - Peace, man.
[line clicks]
[laughing]
[upbeat music]
- And how come the instructors don't carry guns?
- We definitely would not want
to have our instructors carry guns.
- Well, I'ma tell you right now--
if some bitch in a minivan cuts me off,
she gonna get T-boned.
I'm gonna tell you that right now.
[line trilling]
\h\h- Thank you for calling Coach Rider Driving School.
\h\hThis is Roland. How may I help you?
- Hello, Roland.
\h\hLook, my son is taking driving lessons from y’all.
\h\hAnd I need to know what the curriculum is,
because what he told me--
\h\h\hy’all are teaching some nonsense over there.
\hY’all gonna get this boy killed.
- So what’s the, um...
the particular...
- Well, the particular issue is y’all are not teaching him
\h\hthe proper way to handle driving,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know, and being safe on the road.
\h\h\hHe told me he was at a stop sign, right?
\hAnd he was waiting to make a left turn,
and some guy honked at him \h\h\hand flipped him off.
And guess what the instructor \h\h\h\h\h\h\htold him to do.
To ignore him.
- Okay. Well, I...
- You know what you got to do \h\hwith a bully on the road?
You got to drive and get \hright up on his bumper
and follow that jackass \h\h\hall the way home.
\h- Yeah, well, I mean, I do apologize, ma’am.
We definitely do not encourage \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hour students
\hto ride up on other cars and threaten other people.
- And how come the instructors \h\h\h\h\h\h\hdon’t carry guns?
\hHow come y’all don’t have a gun?
\h\h- You know, the safe thing is not to be ignorant with them
\h\h\h\h\hand get violent or aggressive with them.
And we definitely \hwould not want
to have our instructors \h\h\h\h\h\hcarry guns.
- No, baby.
\h\h\hThe safe thing to do is you got to be extra ignorant.
You got to out-ignorant them.
- I know, but if somebody \h\h\h\h\his rude to you,
\h\h\h\h\h\hfollowing them and creating an altercation
is not the safe thing \h\h\h\hto do, ma’am.
- Well, I’ma tell you \h\h\h\h\hright now--
\h\h\h\h\h\hif some bitch in a minivan cuts me off,
she gonna get T-boned.
I’m gonna tell you \h\hthat right now.
- Well, you don’t run them \h\h\h\h\h\h\hoff the road.
- You do run them off the road.
\h\h\hWhy do you think there’s 27 "Fast & the Furious" movies?
\h\h\h\hThey didn’t make a "Driving Miss Daisy 2."
- Well, that’s a movie. \h\h\h\hThat’s a movie.
\h\h\hAnd we’re talking about how to teach people to drive.
So I don’t see the connection.
\h- I bet y’all you signals and everything, don’t you?
- Well, our job is \h\hto teach people
to be successful on their tests \h\h\h\hand to be safe drivers,
and that’s what officers \h\h\h\h\h\hwant to see.
- Well, have you ever backed up \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon an on-ramp?
- Have you?
- Oh, hell, yeah.
\hIf that ain’t the way I want to go, you back that sucker up.
\h\h\h\h\h\hGo to where you’re supposed to go.
- Oh, yeah, back up \h\hon the on-ramp
and go the opposite direction
where oncoming traffic \h\his coming at you--
that sounds good.
Everything you wouldn’t want \h\hto do she says she does.
\h\h\h\h\h- I bet you put your seat belts on, too, don’t you?
- That’s what most people \h\h\hare supposed to do.
\h\h\h\h\h- Hey, the proper way is, before you open your door,
you take your seat belt, you click that bitch in,
\h\hand then you sit down on top of the seat belt.
That’s how real Gs do it.
- Real Gs. Okay. \h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
- Let God handle it. - Let God handle it.
- That’s why they say, "Jesus take the wheel."
- Hopefully you’re not teaching \h\h\hother people to do that.
- You just let me--
\h\h\h\h\hI tell you what-- let me come down and teach.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMy son, he’s in the sixth grade.
\h\h\h\hHe’s only driving at a fourth-grade level.
I need to come down there \h\h\hand teach a class.
I can teach those little shits \h\hto stand up for themselves.
- Okay. Well, you continue \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto do that.
\h\h- I also can teach them how to siphon gas from other cars,
you know, when you want \h\hto save some money.
That’s just a little something \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon the side.
\hYou know, I don’t put that in the syllabus or anything.
- Oh, my God. I’m gonna have \h\h\h\hto let you go, ma’am.
You have a good day.
[line clicks]
[dramatic music]
- Of course, a technician \h\h\h\hneeds to be there
to take a look at your chimney,
but based on what you’re \htelling me right now--
- Slower, slower, slower,
slower, slower.
So someone will come out \hand look at my chimney?
- You want to keep going with this?
[line trilling]
[upbeat music]
[line trilling]
- Service. How can I help you?
- Is this the chimney sweep?
- That's correct. - Wonderful.
I need my chimney serviced something awful.
- Okay. Yeah, for sure.
- What is your name, love? What's your name?
- My name is Luis.
- Luis, now, here's what's happening, all right?
The grime and filth accumulated in my chimney
over the years requires a thorough clean, all right?
- All right.
- Now, do you do the service, or does someone else?
- No, I just schedule the appointment for you
and send one of our technicians to your place.
- I'm going to be honest with you.
There was a time when I hid everything in my chimney--
jewels, coins, family heirlooms.
- Yeah, yeah.
- There's a flashlight up there.
I was trying to peek up there,
and, whoops, I lost the flashlight.
Butterfingers--there's so many things up there.
- Okay. No--
- I'll stick a poker in there.
I'll stick a poker and poke it, poke it, poke it.
I just can't seem to knock anything loose.
You know what I mean? - Okay.
- Santy Claus does pay a visit to my chimney every year,
if you know what I'm saying.
And he has left behind some magical Santy dust.
You know what I mean, Luis?
- Yeah, of course.
So one quick question--
when was the last time that your chimney was swept?
- Ooh, well...
I'll tell you, between us,
I put on a couple pounds, so it's been a while, all right?
But I'm ready to get back in the game.
I'm ready to get my chimney back in the game.
- Yeah, no worries.
We can help you with that, definitely. No worries.
Of course your chimney needs to be swept.
That's for sure. Basically--
- Describe what they do.
Describe the process that they do.
- For example, every chimney is different about size,
the conditions, and everything, you know?
- My chimney is roomy but tight.
- In this case, I cannot tell you
what the process is because, of course, a technician
needs to be there to take a look at your chimney,
but based on what you're telling me right now--
- Slower, slower, slower,
slower, slower.
So someone will come out and look at my chimney?
- No. In this case, we can schedule you
for a chimney sweep appointment right away.
- Last time I had my chute cleaned,
white smoke came out, and they named a new pope.
It's been that long. It's been that long.
- Yeah, it's been a while, then.
- Yes. Yes.
Now, what sorts of tools would they use,
'cause I prefer something made of silicone
for some deep cleaning.
- They have all the tools that--
every tool that it needs to be done,
but depending on the conditions of your chimney,
they use it, you know. - Mm.
So I can get ready. I can light some candles.
I can just freshen up a little bit, maybe put on a robe.
- Exactly. Exactly. You know what you're talking about.
- Yes. Yes.
Should I send some pictures
of my chimney, hmm?
- No. That's not necessary. Usually we expect the worst.
And I will place in the notes that your chimney was swept,
like, a while ago
so they can be prepared beforehand.
- May I tell you something? - Yeah.
- I had a big bowl of fiber this morning,
and I believe it's working. [farting]
I may not need to have my chimney cleaned out after all.
- Give me one moment, please.
I have another call. I'm gonna place you on hold, okay?
Just give me one moment, please.
- Oh, no! I can't wait a moment!
The fiber is working! [farting]
Everything is coming out of my chimney.
- Yeah, I bet it is, sir.
- Oh, look, there's a bowling trophy.
There's a raccoon.
I feel 1,000 pounds lighter.
Oh, there's my remote. Time to watch "The Crown."
- Okay. Perfect.
- You're perfect.
Now that we're done talking about my anus,
do you have someone who works on fireplaces?
[line clicks] Toodles.
[upbeat music]
- You say the maximum capacity is 500 pounds?
- Yeah.
- Last time I took her to the truck scales,
she was well over 500.
And that's been, God, at least 7 years ago.
I can't tell you how many SnackWell's
that was ago.
\h- All right. [clears throat]
[line trilling]
- [bleep]. This is Taylor.
\h\h- Hey, Taylor. My name’s Birchum.
Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, hey, do you guys \hdo towable boom lifts?
- Yes, we do.
- And what’s the weight \h\hcapacity on those?
- About 500 pounds.
- Ooh, that light, huh? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
- Yeah, I got a situation.
Um, my wife is morbidly obese.
\h\h\h\h\hShe’s in her bed most of the time upstairs.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hShe’s got that. She’s been there for a while.
But it’s her 50th birthday is coming up on Wednesday,
and I wanted to get her down \h\h\h\h\hto the first floor
\h\hand bring the family around and kind of have a celebration.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so obviously we can’t \h\h\h\h\h\h\hdo it manually.
We got to use some equipment.
\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd I think one of those boom lifts
would be just the ticket.
- Hmm...let me think.
Um...
- Last time I took her \hto the truck scales,
she was well over 500,
and that’s been, God, at least 7 years ago.
I can’t tell you how many SnackWell’s that was ago.
- Yeah, the only other thing \h\h\h\h\h\hI could think of
\h\h\h\hwould be, like, maybe a reach forklift
but with a different attachment \h\h\h\hor something like that.
- They have some kind of-- \h\h\h\h\h\hI don’t know--
futon attachment or something?
- No, we just have the fork attachment
for that.
- Yeah. I don’t know.
\h\h\h\hSorry. I feel like I’m burdening you with my troubles,
\h\h\hbut, you know, when you’re married--
- No, that’s okay.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Obesity-- it’s a killer, you know?
\h\h\hIt just-- - Yeah, I bet.
- We haven’t had relations in, \h\h\hGod, got to be a decade.
Or I don’t know, \h\hmaybe we did.
You know, it’s hard to tell.
I got to be honest with you--
\honce you cross that 500-pound threshold,
\h\h\hit’s a little catch-as-catch-can
\h\h\hwith the relations, you know what I’m saying?
- Yeah. That’s okay.
- Yeah, you got to have \h\h\h\h\ha positive--
You got a man in your life?
- Oh, no. Not at the time.
- If I had you, I’d hang on \h\hto you with both hands.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, thanks. You should have told him that.
\h\h\hHe was a little too childish for me.
- Really? What was he into, \h\h\hPokémon or something?
- [laughing]
Oh, too many video games, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor sure.
\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, yeah, first-person shooter.
- Oh, yeah.
\h\hBut it wasn’t gonna make enough money to help me out.
\h\h\h- Well, you know, let me describe myself,
\hnot that I’m throwing my beret in the ring--
but Vietnam Veteran,
American,
mm-hmm, lover of God \h\h\h\hand country,
go to Sturgis.
- Would you like me to give you \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\ha call back
if I find anything out for you?
- If we’re walking \h\hdown the street
and there was a puddle \h\h\h\hon the ground,
I would take my cape off \h\h\h\h\hand lay it down
\h\hso you didn’t get your dainty feet wet.
- Wow.
- I mean, I don’t always \h\h\h\h\h\hwear a cape,
so we’d have to chance it, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbut...
- Well, dang it.
Sir, if there’s nothing else \h\hthat I can help you with,
you have a great day.
\h\h\h- We can get married. I can take you to Sturgis.
\hGet you a job at a high-end tool-rental place over there.
[line clicks]
- [chuckles] Yeah, I think she felt a little flattered
is what is was.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Look at that.