[touch tones beeping]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
'Cause we're having a ball
We're just making some calls to strangers
We're back on the cell
And the world's gone to hell
But you're gonna feel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
They'll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
'Cause we're disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
- "Crank Yankers."
[upbeat music]
- Tight little aisles and shit
where yolk can get all over the place.
[phone line trilling]
- Grocery, how can I help you?
- Hey, who am I speaking to?
\h\h\h- Javier. - Hey, Javier?
Javier. Good talking to you.
How’s your day going? \h\hYou staying safe?
\h\h\h- Yeah, for sure. It’s going pretty well.
What can I do for you?
\h\h- I’m from the National Association of Egg Farmers,
\h\h\hwhat we do is we send a representative out there,
\h\h\hthe mascot Eggy over to your place of business,
we set up a little table.
And we just welcome people \h\h\h\h\hto buy more eggs,
and eat more eggs.
We are taking photos \h\h\h\hwith the kids
and you know--you know,
I tell jokes about \hbeing scrambled,
\h\h\hor say, "When I’m upset, I turn into a hardboiled egg."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know, all that kinda stuff--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah. - So, what I normally do
\h\h\h\h\his I set up in one of the egg aisles, you know,
but, you know, some places put me in a chicken aisle.
\hI don’t know why, I guess, you know?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Mm-hmm. - As long as I have a 12-foot
area for rolling around, \h\h\h\hI’m pretty good.
\hYou know, I took a vow to never break character
or get out of my costume \honce I’m in the store.
\hSo, if you have any questions for me, you need to ask me now.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight now, ’cause once I become Eggy,
I’m Eggy, you know what I mean?
’Cause that gets messy
and I had to pull my pants \h\h\h\h\h\hdown one time.
\h\hAnd that got me in a little trouble, but I got my job back.
\h\h\hAnd I feel like the world is going vegan and vegetarian.
They ain’t showing the egg \h\h\h\h\hno love, Javier.
They ain’t showing the egg \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hno love.
\h- Um, let me grab one of my managers.
- Have you ever had \h\h\han egg cream?
- No, sir. \h\h- Whoo!
They showed that a lot in those \h\hold movies with Cary Grant
\h\hand stuff, he’d sit at the little counter,
\hand say, "I’ll have an egg cream," you know what I mean?
So, you will have to provide me \h\h\h\h\h\hwith lunch, though.
That’s in my contract.
\h\hAnd I might be givin’ out samples,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know, just a raw egg in a cup.
\h\hKinda like with those athletes do when they uh,
to gain their endurance back
when they’re tired from runnin’ \h\h\h\hin a marathon or tri--
\h\h\h\h\h\htriathlete or something like that.
What they do, they take like five or six eggs,
and they put ’em in a cup, \h\h\h\hand they drink it.
They drink the eggs with nothing in it.
Just straight. Just straight.
\h\h\hYou know what I mean? That makes me so damn mad.
I feel like they drinking me.
I feel like a drinking \h\h\h\hmy ass, Javier.
\hYou know what I am saying? I feel like what the [bleep]
is going on here?
They’re drinking me.
[laughs] \h- Yeah.
- So, I’m gonna need you \h\hto fan me constantly
’cause once I get overheated, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know,
\hI start to settle, you know, and the body odor is terrible.
I promise you.
So I don’t know what you keep \h\h\h\hthe temperature at--
what’s the temperature \h\h\h\h\haround there?
You keep it what, 72?
\h\h\h\h\hLike, on average 72? Is it cold out there right now?
- Uh, we keep it fairly warm.
- Whoo! How warm? How warm?
Room temperature?
- Uh, little above. \h\h\h\h\h\h- Whoo!
\h\hI dunno, I might start sweating, man.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI might start-- hey, you wanna mess around
and make some deviled eggs \h\h\h\h\h\hout of my ass--
\h\h\hYou ever have deviled eggs, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that’s what’s gonna \h\hhappen if it’s too hot,
in there, I’ma turn into \h\h\h\h\ha deviled egg.
\h\hYou gonna be serving me to some of your customers.
\h- Hey, man, um-- - Oh, hey, Javier.
I gotta get going, man.
\hI got the National Egg Association guys
on my back, man.
So, you take care, man.
I’ll see you soon. I’ll see you soon.
- [laughs] [hangs up]
[upbeat music] \h- [laughs]
Damn! What?
- I’m looking for a carpenter.
[line trilling]
- Hi, this is Garnet.
- Garnet? Name’s Birchum. \h\h\h\hYou a carpenter?
- Uh, yes.
- So, uh, I’m a carpenter as well, pretty skilled.
Uh, don’t have use my hands right now.
And I’d like a carpenter \h\h\hcome by help me out
with some crown molding.
Do you do crown molding?
\h\h- Well, I can. - Can you do bass?
- Oh, yeah, I can-- \h\h\h\h\hyou know,
I’ve been a carpenter \h\hfor 30 some years
\hand, you know, it’s been a while
since I did some crown mold \h\h\h\h\h’cause, you know,
all the cuts are-- \h\h\h\h\hare, uh--
- I gotta say, I’m not brimming \h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith confidence.
- [laughs]
Well, it’s been--like I said, \h\h\h\hit’s been a few years
since I did crown molding.
\h\hThe last crown mold I did was all in metal.
- What is your field expertise? \h\h\h\h\h\hYou do rough stuff?
- No, I’m trim, mostly.
- You got a sliding compound miter saw?
- Yes, of course.
- 10 inch?
- 12 inch.
- Oh, nice.
60 tooth carbide?
- I think that’s what’s on there.
\h\hIt might even be an 80 tooth I can’t--
\h- 80 toother? - I don’t know.
I can’t remember.
I’d have to look at my saw, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDarn it.
What’s your name again?
- Geez. Name’s Birchum, man.
\h\h\h\hI’m impressed at 80 tooth carbide.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Birchum? - You do chair molding?
- Yeah, I’ve done all kinds of it.
- Wainscot?
- Yeah.
\h- Base shoe? - Face shield.
\h\h- Base shoe. - Oh, base shoe.
Yeah, of course.
- You’re not one of these ass wipes that uses quarter round
instead of base shoes, are you?
- Um--
\h\h\h- I see quarter round where base shoe should be,
\h\hI shout, "Bush league," I’ll turn around and leave.
\h- You know it all depends on what the customer wants.
- All right, you startin’ to worry me a little bit
with this quarter \hround business.
\h\hYou say you’re--you say you’re finished carpenter?
- Pretty much. Yeah.
\h\h\h\h\h- All right. Tell me the difference
between a rabbet joint \h\h\h\h\h\hand a dado.
- Well, let’s see a rabbet--
Well, dado is, you gotta use \h\h\hdado base to set it up,
\hand a rabbet you can just use a regular blade on a table saw
\h\hand cut it out, it’s like a notch.
\h\h- Mm-hmm. What letters are they both shaped like?
- You know what?
Sorry. I’m really busy \h\hright now, and uh--
- Yeah, you’re busy playing \h"Connect 4" online buddy.
You sound like a hack \h\hcarpenter to me.
You don’t know the difference \h\h\h\h\h\h\hbetween a dado
and a rabbet joint?
- I don’t--I don’t have time
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto answer a million questions here.
I’m doing my exhaust \hfor my Indian and--
- Where are you doing \h\h\hto the exhaust?
- Getting it powder coated.
- Mm-hmm. We going with black?
\h\h\h\h- Yes. - Satin? Flat?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHigh gloss? What are we talking about?
- High gloss. High gloss.
The same as--same as my motor \h\h\h\h\h\h\hand handlebars
and all the other stuff on it.
- How many cubic inches \h\h\h\h\h\hin a liter?
- I don’t know. [laughs] \h\h\h- One liter engine
is 60 cubic inches.
\h- I’m not a mechanic. - All right, so Garnet.
Let’s try to figure out \h\h\h\hwhat you know.
\h\h\hYou don’t know what a dado joint is.
\hYou don’t know what a rabbet is.
\hYou don’t know how many cubic inches in a liter.
The hell do you know, boy?
- I told you. I don’t have time \h\h\h\h\h\hfor this right now.
- Jesus Christ.
Couldn’t find your dick \hwith a divining rod.
- Well.
- Maybe we got off on the wrong foot.
\h\h\hLet’s get back to the crown molding.
\h- Whatever. You know, I know how to do stuff.
And I you know, I don’t know what the terms are sometimes,
but I’ve been in carpentry \h\h\h\hfor a lot of years.
\h\h\h- Yeah. All right. You got a mortising jig?
- I have one. Yes.
- All right. Who makes it?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Porter-Cable. - All right. It’s a good jig.
What kind of router do you use?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, I just use a little handheld trim router.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- All right. And you gotta door plane?
- I have a door plane. \h\h\h\h\h\h- Did we--
did we talk quarter round \h\h\h\hversus base shoe?
- Yes. I’m really busy \h\h\h\h\h\hright now.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- All right. - And I told you this earlier.
- What is the difference
between paint grade \hand stain grade?
- Shit, I don’t know.
- You don’t know the difference \h\h\h\h\h\hbetween stain grade
and paint grade?
\h\h\h\hThe answer’s in the question you moron.
- I don’t deal with somebody that calls me names, goodbye.
- All right. Listen, listen, we got off on the wrong foot.
[hangs up] \h\hGarnet?
- Jesus Christ.
Let me call him back. \h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs]
- Tell her to ask for Celeste. \hI’ll be up here at the front.
- She doesn’t weigh much.
\hYou think you can carry her around like horseback style?
- Yeah, yeah, we could totally \h\h\h\h\h\hwork something out
where we could do that.
- Be careful picking her up. \hHer bones are like KitKats.
- Yeah.
[phone line trilling]
- Where the hell is she?
- This is Celest.
- Yeah, this is Anthony.
I come into your store \h\h\h\h\ha lot there.
And I come in with my mom. And she’s a very old lady.
And she can’t reach the things, you know, they’re all too high.
\h- Oh. - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What’s your name, sweetheart?
- My name’s Celeste.
- That’s a beautiful name, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCeleste.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you. - That means out of space.
Ain’t that right? \h\h\h\h\h\hYeah.
\h\h\h- Uh-huh. - Well, listen.
\hI want my ma to feel, you know, that she, uh,
she’s still independent.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know, she’s getting’ up there.
She 90 years old, this lady.
- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, she’s got the osteoporosis.
- Oh, yeah. That’s what happens \h\hwhen you get older. Right?
- She’s got it bad, Celeste.
\h- Well, if she-- if she comes on in,
we can totally have someone help her grab some things.
- That’d be so sweet. \h\h\hThat’d be nice.
\h\h\h\h\h\hBut the thing is, she’s got that ego about her.
She wants to do it herself.
Hey, ma, get down from there.
Look, she’s climbing up.
We’re in the house right now, she’s up on the counter. Ma.
What--I’ll get that for you.
\hMy God, Jesus, Mary and Joseph,
\h\h\h\h\h\hMatthew, Luke, John the Baptist over here.
Santa Maria, Nina, Pinta. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMadone!
Can you imagine this?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah. - So, I was thinking, you know,
I’m not a, you know Einstein over here, but I had an idea.
\h\h\h\hHow about you guys put the things in the bottom shelf?
You know, the things \h\hold ladies need,
you put in the bottom \hshelves, you know?
- Right.
\h\hWhat are the things that she tries and gets normally?
\h\h\h\h\h- What, you know, she’s got the pasta sauces,
the tomato sauce, the tomato paste.
The heavy stuff, you know?
- Yeah, a lot of that’s \h\h\h\hhard to carry.
- She tries to climb up \h\h\h\h\hthe shelves.
I told her, I said Ma!
- Oh, no. Yeah.
- What are you, Spider-Man? \h\h\hGet down from there.
You know, what are doing? \h\h\h\h\h- Yeah, right.
\h- But there’s no telling this lady.
And you should see her back.
\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s like a noodle. It curved over like a macaroni.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, no. - She’s facing the ground.
So, she bumps into things \h\h\h\h\hlike a Roomba.
Ever see a Roomba?
That’s how she finds out \h\h\h\h\h\hwhere to go.
She’ll bump into a wall \h\hand then she’ll go
\h\h\h"I shouldn’t go there." I mean, can you imagine this?
\h\h\h- Oh, right. - Oh, pasta fazool!
\h\hShe’s gonna get into the dog food.
Ma, that’s not human food.
Maddona mi!
- Yeah, if she ever comes \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon in,
\hwe try make everything as accessible as we can.
\hBut if she does come on in, anyone will be happy to help,
if she doesn’t feel like that.
- I would like you \hto help, Celest.
\h\h\h\hYou seem like a very sweet person.
\h- Oh, thank you. - Yeah, very nice.
You got a beautiful voice too. \h\h\h\h\hAnd that’s very rare.
\h\h\h\h- Thank you. - You get, you know,
You know, make her think \h\hshe’s picking it up.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, yeah. So take it off the top shelf,
and then you bring it down.
And then she makes her feel \h\h\h\h\hlike she got it.
Does that make sense?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Right. - Hey Celest you are the best.
You gonna help me out here. \h\hSo, when she comes in,
\h\h\hI’ll give you a call that she’s gonna be there.
And then you follow her around?
- Okay, yeah.
Tell her to ask for Celeste. I’ll be up here at the front.
- She doesn’t weigh much.
You think you can carry around \h\h\h\h\hlike horseback style?
- Yeah, yeah, we could totally \h\h\h\h\h\hwork something out
\h\h\h\hwhere we can do that. - Be careful picking her up.
Her bones are like KitKats.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah. - I would like to sing to you.
A little song of love.
To you, Celeste.
- We’ll, see your mom \h\h\hthis afternoon.
\h\h\h\h\h- Thank you for your kind heart,
\h\h\h\hand for helping my ma pick up things at the store.
- Of course. \h\h- Oh, no.
While I’ve been singing, my ma \h\h\h\h\hsneaked out the door.
I think she’s on her way.
\h\h\hShe took the Buick. Look out for her Celest!
\h\h\h\h\h- Bye! - Oh, maddona mi!
Is that something? \h\h\h\h\h[laughs]
- Do you want to come \h\htomorrow morning
\h\hand I can teach you some of those phrases?
- Like, I just need to tell \h\h\h\h\hwhat look--look.
There she is. There she is. \h\h\h\h\h\hThere she goes.
\h\h\h\h\hThere’s my neighbor, with her little bitch ass dog.
And she let the dog \hright on my yard.
\h\hHow do you say I will have punt the shit out of your Corgi
- Gladys is calling the Language Center.
[phone line trilling]
- Hello.
- Hello. This is the place to learn some French?
- Yes. - Oh good. Oh oui, oui.
- Oui. Oui, oui.
- Uh, oui.
I would like to learn some French
because I have some new neighbors, and they are French.
So, I would like to learn some little phrases
or things that I can say to them.
Is that something that you can help me with?
- Oh, yes, sure. I would love to.
So, I give classes at my house.
So, would you be willing to come
or were you looking for classes at your place? Or--
- Well, actually, it's not necessarily I want
to become fluent in French.
I just need, like, some phrases.
- Sure. - Just some things that I wanna
communicate with my neighbor,
you know, like, uh-- - Yes, sure. Yes.
- Like, how would you say,
"This is my side of the property line, idiot."
How do I say something like that? Just keep it simple.
Like, "Get your shit off my yard?"
- So, you'd say-- [speaking French]
- [speaking French]
Yes.
- I didn't hear "shit" in there.
Was there--say--so is [speaking French] shit?
How do you say "shit" in French?
- Shit? - Uh-huh.
- Merde! - Merde, okay.
So I didn't hear "merde" in that phrase.
- [laughs] Yeah. - I want him to--
I want to tell him to keep his shit off of my yard.
Out of my yard. - Oh, okay. Yeah.
So, would day you be--which day would you be interested?
Oh, okay, what you're doing later today?
'Cause I really need him to get his shit off my yard.
- Oh, you want to tell him today?
- Yes. - Talk today.
- Let's--let's just do it over the phone then.
Let's just do--and I'll, you know, Venmo, PayPal you.
- Okay, well-- - How do you say,
"Which one of your little bastard kids
broke my garden gnome?" How do I say that?
- The problem is I cannot right now
because I have some coming in.
I have lunch with someone today.
Do you want to come tomorrow morning?
And I can teach you some of those phrases.
- Okay, just--just give me like--like, I just need two.
'Cause look, there she is, there she is
with her little bitch ass dog.
And she let the dog right on my yard.
How do you say I will "Punt the shit out of your Corgi
if he shifts in my driveway again."?
- Oh. - Just tell me real quick
so I can get that to her. - [laughs]
- Hey Cecile? Cecile? How do you say that?
[speaking French], jackass!
[speaking French] Yes.
Oh, she understood that.
- [speaks French] Yes, yes.
- [speaking French] - [laughs]
[speaking French]
- [speaking French]
- Yes. Okay. Yeah, I'm sorry, because I have to, um--
I have someone that wants to have lunch.
But if you want tomorrow morning, we could meet.
- Okay. - You can call me back
and let me know what time is good for you.
I would love to teach you some French.
- That would be great.
'Cause I need more stuff like that.
- Okay. - That would be--
- Thank you. Have a nice day. - Merci.
- [speaking French]
Bitch, you hear me?
- She was so nice. He was so nice.
- I have been so nervous to get a wax,
but I've never done it before. [laughs]
I'm trying to do my research here.
How, how much does it hurt? Be honest with me.
- It's nothing that bad.
It's not anything that traumatic.
- Do you offer an epidural?
[both laugh]
- She was understated \h\hto say the least.
[phone line trilling]
- Thank you for calling \h\h\h\h\h\h\h[bleep].
\h\h\h- Hi! Oh my gosh! I have been so nervous
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto get a wax, but I’ve never done it before.
Um. I’m trying to do \h\hmy research here.
How, how much does it hurt? \h\h\h\hBe honest with me.
- It’s absolutely doable. \h\h\h\hYou could do it.
I promise you it’s not gonna be \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe worst thing
that you’ve ever done and ever.
\h\h\hIt’s nothing that bad. It’s not anything traumatic.
- Uh-huh, I’m so scared. \hI just I have to do it.
It’s unmanageable. \h\hBut I’m scared.
\h\h\hYou know, I chap easily and do you offer an epidural?
[both laugh]
- You won’t need anything \h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike that.
You’re gonna be fine. \h\h\hI promise you.
- That is comforting. \hThat is comforting.
- Is there any--is there \h\h\hany reason why you,
you have to do this
\h\h\h\hor you just-- you just wanting to--
- I have hair to my knees. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs]
- Okay, not a problem.
Definitely would want you \h\h\h\h\hto come in and,
\hand we can take a look at what you got going on
and we can go from there.
- Hey, listen, if I wear shorts \h\h\h\h\hyou can take a look.
It’s coming out of the-- \h\h\h\h\hby my kneecaps.
\h\h\h\h- Oh my goodness. - Oh, it’s embarrassing.
I’m ashamed of myself.
- Would you like to get \h\h\hsomething booked?
- I would, but I’m so scared.
Can we start with a trim?
\h\h\h\h- We can absolutely do a trim before your appointment.
\hYeah. - Okay.
And then ease--ease my way in,
we take a couple inches off,
and then we come back and we do \h\h\hthe next a couple inches,
and we do that for eight weeks \h\hand then we go for the wax.
\h\hAhh! [laughs]
- Wow.
Okay, well, when you’re ready-- \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
\h\h\h\h\h- Give me a call back and we’ll get you booked. Okay?
- Oh, you are too nice. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs]
You are too--thanks, \h\hyou’re so sweet.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- I know. Was there anything more?
I’m just--I’m just \h\h\hsitting here.
I’m just waiting on you.
You tell me what else \hyou’d like to say?
- Do you hold people’s hands \h\h\h\hor is that too much?
Is that a bridge too far?
- If you need someone \hto hold your hand,
\h\hthen I don’t know that you’ll be able to do that.
\h- Hold my feet, hold my hands or anything you can grab onto.
I’m scared.
[dog barking] \h\h\h\hOhh!
My doggie is scared.
He picks up on my feelings. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs]
- I’m dying. \h- You know.
Ahh!
Ohh, Yuri, Yuri.
Ahh! He’s afraid of my bush. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs] Ahh!
\h\h- Okay, so this is definitely interesting
and I appreciate you taking \h\h\hyour time to call me
\h\h\h\h\hand--and share this experience with me.
\h\hYou’re welcome to call back again
if we need to go through it again.
- I’ll call in two minutes.
\h\h\h\hI’m gonna try to calm the dog down.
You are so wonderful. \h\h\hOh, thank you.
- Fantastic. Thank you. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hBye-bye.
- Thank you. [laughs]
Sorry for the chaos. \h\h\h\h\h- [laughs]
[upbeat music]
- Look at that.
- MTV