[touch tones beeping]
[line trills]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
'Cause we're having a ball
We're just making some calls to strangers
We're back on the cell
And the world's gone to hell
But you're gonna feel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
They'll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
'Cause we're disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
- "Crank Yankers."
[upbeat music]
- It is what it is. \h\h\h[line trills]
- Hello. [bleep]. This is [bleep].
How can I help?
\h\h- I’m calling about the truck driving job.
- Okay. What’s your name?
- Uh, Bri-Dog. Brian.
- Bri-Dog. \h\h- Yes.
- Nice to meet you, bud.
\hSo where are you-- it said no caller ID.
Where are you calling from?
- I’m out of Memphis.
Um, a couple things, \hyou know, about me.
Uh, extremely hard worker.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m in a truck, so it shouldn’t be a big issue,
\h’cause I’m mostly gonna be by myself,
but just, uh, some of the guys \hmight bust my balls over it.
Uh, I kind of have \ha medical thing.
\h\h\h\h- Okay, I’ll tell you right up front, medical-wise,
as long as you got a valid CDL license
\hand a valid medical card, I have no issue whatsoever.
- Check and check.
\h\h\h\h- Okay, cool. - Yeah. Hard worker.
- Now, I will--
\h\h\h- Huge loads of great references
and--you know. \h\h- Awesome.
I had a buddy that drove.
\h\hHe lived in Alabama, and he could only see out of one eye.
And for a while, he was able \h\h\h\hto drive everywhere,
but then they said, "Okay, no."
They changed the law, \h\hand he couldn’t--
- They don’t even know yet \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\habout it.
Uh, it’s-- \h\h\h- Oh.
- It’s more, uh, you know, \h\h\hI was using a flatbed
went it lifted up and I lost \h\h\han important appendage.
And, uh, so it’s more of a personal thing.
I’ve been trying to keep it \h\h\h\h\hon the down low,
but I just--if I’m working \h\h\h\h\h\haround people,
they’re gonna see it.
Uh, my penis was removed,
and--and I’m regrowing it \h\h\h\h\h\h\hon my arm.
\h\h\h\hAnd, uh, you know, I wear long-sleeve shirts,
so you just see the tip,
and it’s growing back, \h\hand it’s all good.
Now, I’m--I’m super, \h\h\hyou know, uh--
I just can’t wait \hto get it back
where it’s supposed \h\h\h\h\h\hto be,
on top of my balls, you know.
- Yeah. Well, understand.
I’m sorry you had to go \h\hthrough that, man.
That’s tough. - Yeah. Yeah.
I, uh--I wasn’t the most \h\hpopular guy at work,
\h\h\h’cause the guys would start laughing.
They’d call me "Dick Wrist," \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand, uh--
and then they’d go, \h\h\h\h\hyou know,
"I don’t have time to hang"-- \h\h\h\hwas a--was a big one.
- Damn, dude. That’s tough.
\h\h\h- This one dude was a real smartass.
He asked me what time it was,
\h\h\h\hand I--before I could even answer,
he’d go, "Dick o’clock," \hwhich I guess is funny.
\hBut the way it hangs, it’s more like dick 30.
\h\h- Okay. I mean, that-- like I said, unfortunately,
\hI’m sorry you had to go through that.
\h\h\h\h- Cool. - But with us,
you’d be an owner-operator.
You don’t have to deal \h\h\h\h\hwith anybody.
- As long as you guys are cool. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
- I’m so into it.
I’m just not cool with high fives.
\hWell, high fives are good, but no handshakes, ’cause...
- Yeah, I gotcha.
- You know, it gets weird.
- No problem, man.
- The other choice was, \h\h\h\hthey were gonna
\h\h\h\hdraw it out of my neck, was gonna do a carotid artery,
you know, and have the dick \h\h\hhang out of my neck.
But, uh, I don’t like \h\hwearing scarves.
- Damn.
- I call it my funny boner. \h\h\h\hI think it’s cool.
\h\h\hI’m actually getting used to it.
"Balls to the wall on the road" \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\his my motto.
- Yeah. Got a lot of ’em, man.
- Yeah, I have several mottos.
"Two hands on the wheel \h\h\h\h\hand a dick."
\h\h\h\h\h- Man. Well, you got a good attitude about it, bud,
so you got that going for you.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- So do you. You have a fantastic attitude.
- I--yeah.
\h\h\h- I would try to eat in the break room at my old job,
\hbut they’d always tell me to pass the balsamic vinaigrette,
and then I would cry alone \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hat my desk.
- I thought you drove. Why do you have a desk?
- Oh.
I don’t know. [snickers]
\h\h- All right, well, if you’d like, I could send you an app.
\hUm... - Yeah.
Thanks for your time. [laughs]
- Wow.
[line clicks]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- He was so good, but I didn’t know where to go.
Like, he was, like, "Yes, and"-ing me,
and I-I got all the jokes out.
- I get so nervous. [laughs]
I hate messing with people.
[line trills]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- This is Legal Notary Services.
How can I help you?
\h\h\h\h- Hi there. I’m trying to, um--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI just wonder if I can get, uh, a notary
\hto come out to my house and, uh, notarize something for me.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay. Certainly, we can do that.
- Okay, um--
- Uh, where are you, \h\h\h\huh, located?
- I’m, uh, in Bend. \hIs that too far?
- You said Bend?
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah. In Oregon. You guys are in Oregon, right?
- We are in Oregon, but we’re in, uh--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hour office is located in Hillsboro.
- I’m in Hillsboro too. I can go to Hillsboro.
Uh, here’s my question.
Um, do you guys notarize, \hlike, apology letters?
Like, if I need it, like, \h\h\h\hlegally binding,
\hthat’s the point of a notary, right?
\h\h\h- Yeah, so, uh, the duty of a notary
is acknowledging the signature
\h\h\h\hof the person signing the document.
So whatever’s on the letter, \h\h\hit’s out of our hands.
- Okay. - So...
- I was gonna get \hmy boyfriend--
he’s a real dumb shit,
\h\hand, uh, I want him to write me an apology.
You’re a woman. You understand.
\h\hAnd, uh, I want him to write me an apology
’cause he always apologizes, \h\h\h\hit’s not holding up,
\h\hand I was like, "Well, let’s get it legally bound.
Let’s get it notarized."
So I can put whatever \h\h\hI want in there
\h\hand you guys will just sign off on it?
- So who’s gonna sign it,
both of you or just you \h\h\h\h\hor just him?
- I want everyone signing it.
I want everyone to bear witness
\h\h\h\h\hto the fact that he’s apologizing
and--and it’s go time for the relationship.
\h\hAnd that’ll hold up, according to notary law?
- Yeah, so whoever-- whoever’s gonna need
\hto sign that letter needs to be present.
- Let me ask you a question.
’Cause--’cause some people say \h\h\h\h\h\hI’m being too hard.
He hums that song "Breakfast \hat Tiffany’s" when he eats,
\hand it’s really [bleep] annoying.
And I don’t want to hear that. \h\h\h\h\hIt makes me nauseous.
So I’m gonna put that \h\hin the criteria,
that he can’t do that no more.
- Yeah, I mean, uh,
we can’t give you any advice on what to put on the letter.
- But you could. What’s your name?
- No, I can’t give you any, uh, legal advice.
I’m not an attorney. \hMy name is Cecilia.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Cecilia. Can I call you CeeCee?
- Sure.
- Should I bring my own paper?
- Yeah. Sure.
\h- I bring my own paper, and then you guys just--
so what am I paying for, \h\h\h\h\hjust the stamp?
Do I bring my own ink?
\h- Just your document that you want signed...
- And the boyfriend. \h- And notarized.
- Let’s not forget that idiot. \h\h\h\h\h\hHere’s a question.
Okay, my birthday’s coming up.
\h\h’Cause he’s real committed to me, even though he’s stupid.
Could we get a notary tattooed on his ass?
Like, "I’m sorry," stamp it, \hCeeCee’s stamp of approval,
it’s on him permanently,
\h\h\hand he’s not messing up no more.
- Where--where do you \h\h\h\h\hwant this?
- Make--and the no-- \h\hright on his ass
\hso every time--every time he gets out of the shower,
\hhe can reflect on past mistakes.
- Eh, the better idea is just \hto get everything on paper.
\h- No tattoos? You don’t do--
\heven if I brought in everything, no tattoo?
- Yeah, we’re--we’re not tattoo artists. [laughs]
\h- What if I just made a list of all the dumb shit he’s done
\h\h\hand I don’t bring him and I have you notarize it
just so we have a legal record \h\h\h\h\h\h\hof the stupidity?
- We can notarize whatever form \h\hyou would like to notarize.
Like I say, we don’t really \h\hgo through the document
as long as there’s \hno blank spaces.
- Okay, last question, \hbecause I don’t know
if I can get over there today.
\hDo you think you could do me a favor
and just maybe send him \h\h\ha text that says,
"Hey, it’s me, CeeCee.
\h\h"I’m a public notary, and this is your warning
not to be a piece of shit, and this text is binding."
And my boyfriend’s name \h\h\h\h\h\his Stuart.
And he’s a [bleep] idiot.
\h- Well, give me a call when you guys are ready.
We’ll, uh, make sure \h\h\h\hto, uh, have
a notary available for you.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- All right. Thank you so much, CeeCee.
I’ll see-see you later.
- Have a great day.
[line clicks]
- I hate messing with people.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI don’t know why I signed up for this.
\h\h\hShe was so nice. She didn’t miss a beat.
\h\h\h\hShe’s like, "Again, just bring your own paper."
- You cannot work \hunder one name.
You have to work \hunder yourself.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- It’s 50-50. Now, if you do the top 50
and I do the bottom 50, \h\h\h\h\hthat’s 100%.
That’s a whole person.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Now, see, that--that doesn’t work at all.
- Yeah, bro. We need jobs.
\h\h\h\h\hTwo for the price of one.
Y’all hiring?
[line trilling]
- Hello, this is Dan.
- Hey, Dan. How you doing?
- Good. Good.
\h\h\h\h\h- Great, uh, I’m calling in regards
to the, uh, help wanted, uh, \h\huh, for cashier position.
\h- Yes, sir. - All right.
- I’m sorry, what’s your name?
- Uh, my name is John McKenzie.
\h\h- My name’s Mike. I’m his brother here.
\h- My brother Mike is on here as well.
- Yeah. - Okay.
- We’re trying to apply \h\h\hfor the position
together, as a unit.
Uh, we’ll divide the hours. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
- We--we’ll--we’ll divide-- \h\h\hwe’ll split the pay.
- It’s two for one. \hIt’s a good deal.
- Now, guys, tell me, what’s going on here?
\h\h\hWhy are y’all applying together?
- It sounds weird, \h\hbut, you know,
we work good together.
He’s my older brother. \h\hHe’s like the head.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m the heart. Wherever he goes is where I go.
So, you know, if he shows up \h\h\hat work, I’m there too.
You know, you get--it’s two \h\h\hfor the price of one,
but you get one solid employee.
- Yeah. And he can read.
- Well, y’all wouldn’t,
\h\h\h\hmost likely, be working together.
- Oh, man, no, but that-- \hthat’s--that’s kind of
what we wanted to do \his kind of, like--
- Yeah, ’cause then, \h\h\h\hI mean, like,
he could go on a smoking break, and I’ll stay on the register.
I mean, it’s two for one.
And then it’d make it \h\hmore convenient.
\h\h\h- I am so not concerned about y’all’s smoking break.
That’s the last thing I’m concerned about.
- We could share a uniform and a name tag or whatever.
Listen, we just want \h\hto work, brother.
- Yeah, it--it can be just \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hone guy.
\hWe--we’re--actually, we’re fraternal twins,
so we kind of look the same.
We can--we can share a tag \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand a name.
- You wouldn’t even know \h\hwhich one was which.
Hell, our girlfriends can’t tell us apart.
- [laughing] Yeah, I know, \h\h\h\hbut it sounds like
y’all can’t do--y’all can’t do \h\h\h\hone without the other.
So I mean--
- You know what it is? \h\hWe’re really close.
We spend so much time together \h\h\hthat now it’s just, like,
we--he’s my right-hand man, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou know?
Like, he finishes my... \h\h\h\h\h- Sentences.
It’s--it’s--it’s incredible.
\h\h\h\h\h- The arrangement is, you cannot work under one name.
You have to work \hunder yourself.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Right. So-- - All right, we can do that.
- So the--so the work \h\hwould be under--
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe work would be under my name.
I would just split the time \h\hwith--with my brother.
\h\h\h\h- No, no, no, no. That doesn’t work at all.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- It’s 50-50. Now, if you do the top 50
and I do the bottom 50, \h\h\h\h\hthat’s 100%.
That’s a whole person.
\h\h\h- I would not work y’all together. You’re--
- No, no, no, not at all.
No, we wouldn’t be on the floor \h\h\h\h\h\h\hat the same time.
- No, you wouldn’t have \hto work us together.
We work together on-- \h\huh, voluntarily.
You wouldn’t even have \hto worry about that.
Like, if you just him \h\hon the schedule,
then I’m on the schedule.
- You guys are a mess.
\h\h\hYou would work different schedules.
Like, one of y’all might work \hMonday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
The other one might work, \h\h\h\hyou know, Friday,
\h\h\h\h\hSaturday, Sunday. You know, that’s the idea.
\h\h- But see, we’re trying to cut down your paperwork.
’Cause if you have both of us \h\hworking at the same time,
that’s half the productivity
and twice the problems \h\h\hof one employee.
But then you get two of us.
- But that’s--but, you guys, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat’s illegal.
That’s not--I can’t do that \h\h\h\h\h\has an employer.
- What if you hire one of us
\h\h\h\h\h\hand we--can we park in the parking lot and then...
\h\h\h- Oh. - Swap out?
- Then we’d switch out. \h\h\hThat makes sense.
- Are you--you guys-- what y’all are asking
\h\h\h\his things that-- that employers can’t do.
- Dan, are you prepared for us to make your dreams come true?
\h\h- If your dream is to have two guys
\h\h\hworking one job, that’s what we can do.
\h\h\h- We gon’ change--we gon’ change the way you do business.
\hAfter this, you’re only gonna hire brother teams from now on,
I’ll tell you what.
- No, thank you, guys.
I appreciate y’all calling,
but, uh, it just doesn’t \h\h\h\h\h\hwork for me.
- We’ll work for free \h\h\h\h\hfor a week,
just to prove-- \h\h- Guys, no.
\hGuys, there’s lots of places that would hire both of y’all.
\h\h\h\h\h- We’ll work for two weeks for free.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Matter of fact, we’ll pay you to let us work.
- No.
I gotta let you go. I got another call.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Dan, we in the parking lot right now.
\hHello? - Please?
Can--can I go inside and pee?
- No.
[line clicks]
[hip-hop music]
[laughter]
- So you’re calling us \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto report
\h\hthat there was a lady driving one of our cars.
- That’s right.
\h- There was no incident. You just wanted to report--
\h\h\h\h- I didn’t say there was no incident.
I said that this was the incident.
- [laughs]
[line trills]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- [clears throat] Thank you for calling [bleep].
- Hello, who’s this?
- This is [bleep], \hDriver Education.
- Okay, beautiful.
I’m calling to report, \h\h\h\h\huh, a driver.
- Okay. What driver?
- A female driver, uh, \h\h\h\h\hon the road.
- Okay. Um, right now?
- It just happened a few minutes ago.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay. Um, and then what happened?
- She was behind the wheel \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hof the car.
\h- But what happened? Was there an incident?
- Yeah, there was an incident.
There was a lady driving, \h\huh, one of the cars.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes, I know she was driving the car,
but what happened?
\h\h\h- That’s what happened. And I’m calling to report it.
- You’re calling to report
that there was a lady \h\hdriving the car?
- That’s right, darling.
Because I never seen \h\h\h\hsuch a thing.
\h\h\h\h\hAnd in my day, that was not acceptable.
- So you’re calling us \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto report
\h\hthat there was a lady driving one of our cars.
- That’s right.
\h- There was no incident. You just wanted to report--
\h\h\h\h- I didn’t say there was no incident.
I said that this was the incident
and that this lady was driving \h\hand, uh, I became alarmed.
\hAnd so I wrote down the information here,
and I’m reporting it to you.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay. Well, I mean, you do know
that females are allowed to drive cars now, right?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- What? What are you talking about?
- It’s 2021.
- I don’t care what time it is.
My wife, we’re married \h\h\h\h\hfor 45 years.
\hShe never drove the car. I always drove her around.
And it’s disrespectful \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor a man
to make a woman drive the car.
\h\h\hThe female body wasn’t built for that.
- So the female body wasn’t--
- Where could they be \hdriving to anyway?
- So you’re calling to report \h\h\hthat it’s disrespectful
for a woman to drive a car?
- I’m not saying that.
I’m saying it’s disrespectful \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto the woman
to make her drive the car
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand then also that they’re not good at it.
- Oh. [sighs]
- You don’t drive, right?
- I mean, yes, I-I drive. \hI drive myself to work.
I drive myself to the store.
- Oh, you’re kidding me.
\h\h- Yeah. Okay, well, I will pass this along.
- You have a man in there \h\h\hguiding you, right,
when you’re driving \hto these places?
- Yes, but it is 2021... \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
\h\h\h\h\h- And women are allowed to drive.
\h\h\h- I’m just saying that I don’t think this is right,
and I--you know, I don’t want \h\h\h\h\hto call the police,
but I might have to.
\h\h- So there’s no incident? You’re just calling to report
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat a woman was driving one of our cars.
- Oh, there’s an incident.
- Well, I will go ahead
\hand tell the owner about your complaint.
- The owner’s a man, right?
- The owner is a man, yes.
- I figured that, right? \h\h\hLet me talk to him.
\h- Uh, he’s not actually here, ’cause I’m the office manager,
and I kind of run the office \h\h\h\h\hwhen he’s not here.
- You run the office? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes.
- Oh. Well, God bless you,
but I don’t know what kind of an office that must be.
\h\h- I’m gonna have to let you go, okay?
- Okay, darling.
\hAnd let’s just agree that you made a mistake
\h\h\h\hand hope that this never happens again, okay?
- Okay.
\h\h\h- If you want, I’ll come pick you up
and drive you home.
\h\h- Thank you. - You’re welcome.
[line clicks] \h\h[laughs]
\h\h\h\h- Do you know what the tradition is
for these reveal parties?
\h\hLike, the balloons come out of my vagina?
\h\h\h\hOr what do they-- what do they do exactly?
- Generally come out of a box.
- But I don’t think I can get \h\h\hmore than ten balloons
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin my vagina, or my box, as you call it.
[laughs]
- And this is basically a party store we're calling?
[laughs]
[line trills]
- [bleep]. How can I help you?
- Hey, I'm planning a party for my new baby.
Uh, it's a race reveal party.
And I just need some different balloons
that represent all the different races
he could be--or she.
- Uh...[laughs] Okay.
What colors are you looking for?
- Well, I need colors that would match a dude who is
Native American, white,
uh, Asian, and then two mixed-race.
- I have white. I have black.
- Basically, I'm trying to do one balloon
for each guy I slept with.
- Okay. - What color do you think,
like, a--what's, like, a Spanish color?
- I have no idea.
I mean, you could do colors of the Mexican flag.
You could do-- - Ooh!
That's so creative. I love that.
Or--or maybe you could write the races on a balloon
in--with a Sharpie.
- Yeah.
- Or do you have something that could print--yeah?
- I mean, you could just do all white balloons
and just write on them with Sharpies, yeah.
- I think that this could work.
I mean--wait, let me-- I'm trying to--
I'm trying to remember everybody.
I did date an Italian guy.
Maybe we could do, like, a spray tan on a white balloon.
- Do a what? Spray tan? - And then do--do you know
what the tradition is for these reveal parties?
Like, the balloons come out of my vagina?
Or what do they-- what do they do exactly?
- Generally come out of a box.
- But I don't think I can get more than ten balloons
in my vagina, or my box, as you call it.
[laughs] - [chuckles]
- Oh, [bleep], I just remembered
there was a cruise magician too.
What--what color would you say
would represent international waters?
- Blue. - Well, I want the balloons
to be non-gendered.
- Yeah, they're not. They're just balloons.
- I just want to make sure it feels very PC.
But I still want you to be able to write, with a Sharpie,
the race of all the different people.
- Oh, yeah, you can write on any balloon with a Sharpie.
It's not a problem.
- Oh, I almost forgot-- three Armenian balloons.
- Okay, what color do you want for that?
- Okay, well, they can be white,
but just, like-- we could just, like,
maybe draw some hair on it or something.
- I mean, that'll be stuff you're doing.
We're not drawing on balloons and all that.
- Have you done any race reveals?
- Never even heard of it.
- What do you think?
- Go for it. Do you.
- Hey, I like that. That's, like--
You know, I really-- as a woman,
I really sometimes do feel like I need a pep talk,
even if it's from a guy, you know.
- Fair enough.
So I got four black, two white, one blue, three red.
Did you want three more white, or do you just want to use
some of the just two whites?
- I think white, and then I'll put--
- 'Cause you got three red, three white, three green.
- I think just white, and then I'll put a fur trim
on the bottom for the Armenians.
- Okay.
- And are you at all interested
in having sex with a pregnant woman?
- Uh, I don't think my wife would approve.
- I just--I just feel like I-I want someone else there
who isn't connected to everybody,
in case all these dads take it badly.
- I will be working.
So I got four black, two white, one blue,
three red, three white, three green?
- Now, do you think that all these
are gonna fit in my vagina?
- I highly doubt it. - It is pretty big. [laughs]
But what I love about it is,
it always kind of, like, stretches back to tiny,
which is probably why I get so much action, you know.
- Oh, I gotta go. I got people coming in.
[line clicks]
[explosion]
- [laughs]
- Look at that.
- [singing] \h\h\h\hMTV