[touch tones beeping]
[line trills]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
'Cause we're having a ball
We're just making some calls to strangers
We're back on the cell
And the world's gone to hell
But you're gonna feel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
They'll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
'Cause we're disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
- "Crank Yankers."
- All right, let's go. Let's do it.
[line trills]
[upbeat music]
- [bleep]. Art Plano.
- Hey, y'all do pottery, right?
- Mm-hmm, we do have pottery tools,
and we have some, like, plasticine clay.
- My friends call me "Spoonie Luv,"
and a situation happened with and my lady last night.
We was watching--do you remember "Ghost?"
Do you remember that movie, "Ghost?"
- I don't watch many movies, so sorry, I don't.
[laughs]
- Well, him and his lady were doing pottery.
- Oh. - Then me and my lady--
we started trying to role-play last night.
- Mm-hmm.
- And we were making a pot,
a pot with the pottery and the clay.
- Mm-hmm.
- And it got sexual, me and her.
And we started making sexual stuff.
Like, we took the pottery, we made a vagina.
We made a big-ass penis.
And, you know, then it got hard.
And me and her-- we're stuck together.
- Okay.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Do you need anything here, sir?
- Wait, oh, yeah, we need some help from you guys.
- Okay.
- I don't know how we're gonna do this.
Can you--since this stuff got hard,
and we stuck into this.
- Oh, the clay got hard? - Yes. Yes. Yes.
- We don't do, like, service calls--
- Oh, my God.
- If you need something, you can come here.
- We can't. Me and her are stuck together.
- Okay, that might be a situation for 911, sir.
We only sell art supplies.
- Well, we got really into the clay...
- Okay. - And the clay is all over us.
And I was doing doggy style with her.
- Yeah, I don't need to know any of the details,
but use water. Yeah, you can use water.
- We wanted to be really close, so we started rolling.
We put the plastic down on the floor,
and we started having sex.
And she said she wanted me to mount her.
She wanted me behind her. She wanted to feel me.
And we started doing it, and then all of a sudden
while we've been doing it so long,
'cause you know I ain't no minute man.
I go--last time, I went like two
and a half hours going straight.
- Okay, good for you, sir.
- And I was behind her and hitting it doggy style,
and the clay got hard.
- Okay, all right.
- And we don't know what to do.
We just don't know what to do. - I'm sorry.
I don't really know if I can help you.
This really sounds like a 911 situation, sir.
I don't--that's not really our expertise.
- [sighs] So we stuck like this?
- No, just call 911.
- Look, she do not want men coming in this house
'cause her areolas are way too big for that.
- Okay.
You know, the folks at 911, they've seen everything.
They're not going to get bothered.
- They ain't never seen no areolas like this.
Her nipples are innies.
- That's okay. I'm sure they won't mind.
- Look, I'm into C-section scars.
And she don't want nobody to see her C-section.
- They do C-sections there.
- But this the old-school one.
It looked like that color on Frankenstein's forehead.
- Yes, they do those there as well.
- Can I be honest with you?
I'm a older man, and my penis is very flaccid.
- Okay, that's all right.
Just--they have seen many, many people naked.
- Ain't nobody seen
no big flaccid dinga-a-ling like this.
- Yeah, I'm sure they have.
- This ding-a-ling is flaccid.
- That's--look, man, it's okay.
- Spoonie don't get caught like this.
- Well, why don't you get unstuck first,
and then you can call us back
about the pottery. How about that?
- How I'ma get unstuck?
- Call 911. They can help you.
- Baby, I got an idea. I know how to get out of this.
Listen, listen, come here.
I'ma smack your butt cheek, just wiggle it around.
It's going to get hard again, and I can break the clay.
- Okay, I'm gonna hang up now, okay, sir?
- Oh, oh.
Oh, let me smack it.
[screams]
- Okay, call 911, thank you.
- Oh, no, I'm out. I'm out.
I'm out. [sighs] Oh.
Spoonie Luv from Up Above.
[laughs]
[swing music]
[line trilling]
- [bleep]. How can I help ya?
- Hi, I need help with a magic trick my dad's doing.
Can you help me?
- Oh, what you got?
- So my dad has been making food disappear
from the refrigerator, and I want it to stop.
- Oh, man, I'd say a lock and key and chain
will do it better than any magic trick.
- Yeah, there was a whole cake in there yesterday,
and now it's gone. He said it's magic.
He also made eight bags of chips
and four boxes of cookies disappear from the pantry.
- [laughs] That's awesome,
horrible for whoever wanted those cookies and chips,
but that's a pretty--that's a pretty good trick.
- He also made all the toilet paper
in the house disappear too.
- Well, you know, you gotta use it every now and then.
- Can you tell me a spell to put all the food back?
- Oh, that'd be good. That'd be good.
- I also have a good magic question.
- Go for it.
- What card I'm I thinking of?
- Two of spades. - Yes!
- Oh, heck, yeah, heck yeah.
I normally get that right every 52 times.
So luckily that was a good time.
But anyway, I gotta let you go, okay?
You have a great day.
- Leslie, mom wants you to stop
making prank phone calls!
- Shut up! - No!
- Can you please give me a spell
that makes my sister disappear? She is so annoying!
- I'm not that good, sorry.
- Oh, dang it.
[upbeat swing music]
That was a good one.
- What would make me feel good as a customer
who's spent millions
at Limone Jello Boutique, for you to say,
"I don't think this looks good on you.
"You don't have the right kind of body.
"You don't have a good body. Before you go around town
"talking about what a wonderful woman you are
and sleeping with other women's husbands and sons."
Do you know she sleeps with sons?
- [laughs]
- Hello, Limone Jello Boutique. This's Nicole.
- Yes, hello, Nicole.
I'm calling because I bought a blouse there last week.
- Okay. - And I apologize.
I don't know the designer of the blouse
because I've actually--I've actually since thrown it away.
But I was under the assumption that I had bought
the last floral blouse.
And when I got down to the club last Saturday,
Trudy Delacroix was wearing the same floral blouse
that I thought I had purchased the last one of
at Limone Jello Boutique.
- Do you have any sense of, like, what it looked like
so I can try--it would help me better understand
if I knew which blouse it was--
'cause you know, every brand is different.
Some brands design a lot of-- you know, a lot of pieces
because we love them
and we think that they're gonna be really,
you know, popular and people will like them.
- [sighs] Well, yes, like I said,
I tore the label off out of anger
'cause I was, you know--I apologize.
This woman, Trudy Delacroix, has truly toyed
and trifled with my life.
The colors were my colors, orange, pink,
and yellow, which she knows.
Typically, she's in a mint green or a purple,
which are colors I would never touch.
Those are Riddler colors.
- Um, yeah, again, I'm not sure.
I don't know the blouse. You know, we sell, you know,
whatever blouse people want to buy.
You know, it's dependent on what they like and want so--
- Yes, but this is a devil woman.
I mean, you have no idea what this woman does, you know.
I was at her daughter's baptism,
and she sat me next to my ex-fiancé.
Can you imagine?
- Wow, that is--that's pretty terrible.
- Yeah, she set me up.
And she has a darkness in her soul,
and I think anytime she's in one of your fitting rooms,
she's doing the devil's work in there.
- You know, I'm really sorry.
Again, I don't really-- I don't know her.
So it's hard for me to sort of--yeah,
I don't know--is there something I can do or--
- Yes!
Her name is Trudy Delacroix,
and if she comes in, and she's shopping around,
and she tries out a dress, probably one that I've bought,
I think what would make me feel good as a customer
who's spent millions at Limone Jello Boutique,
for you to say, "I don't think this looks good on you.
"You don't have the right kind of body.
"You don't have a good body.
"And it doesn't do anything for your face
"because you don't even have a good face.
"You should wear a ski mask, Trudy Delacroix.
"You should know better before you go around town
"talking about what a wonderful woman you are
and sleeping with other women's husbands and sons."
Do you know she sleeps with sons?
- Um... [quietly] Let me know once you're ready.
Okay, perfect. Yeah, that's okay--
- Is that Trudy? Is that Trudy? Is she--is that Trudy?
- No. I'm just gonna--
- Ask her--you might wanna ask her name.
Ask her if her name is Trudy Delacroix.
- I'm pretty sure that she is not.
- I would be happy if the woman who's trying to buy
something there right now,
if you spit on her face.
- If I--if I what?
- Spit on her.
- Well, okay, hold on one second.
- Trudy?
Trudy, you don't deserve clothes
at Limone Jello Boutique. Trudy, get out of there!
Get out of the Limone Jello Boutique, Trudy!
- Hello, ma'am?
- Hi, is this Trudy Delacroix? - No, ma'am, she--
Trudy is not here at the moment.
- Punch her in the dick! Punch her in the dick!
She's probably got a dick.
She acts like a man with that mouth.
Punch her in the dick.
- Um, I cannot do that. I'm sorry.
But I'm happy to, you know, give you a discount
on your next shopping trip here
if that would help you feel better.
- What did you say?
- I'm happy to give you, you know, a discount
on your next purchase here
if that would help you feel better,
if that would help remedy the situation.
- 75% off, please.
- Um, I can't do that.
I could do 25% off your next shopping trip here.
- 45%? I had to ask.
- [laughs] Sorry, yeah, we can do 25.
- Okay, it's a deal. Thank you so much.
- Yes, thank you, bye-bye. - Too-da-loo.
Oh, another angel.
- Listen to me, I want a set of fries
and I want two diet Cokes.
- Anything else?
- Yes, if you just listen to me, okay.
- Well, I'm listening to you. I'm taking your order.
What do you want me to do?
- All right, if I can get a word in.
- Yeah, but you're confusing me now.
How many sandwiches do you wanna?
- Buddy, buddy, I'm trying to order
if you just give me a minute to talk and listen to me.
- You listen to me. I don’t wanna have
to repeat myself.
[line trills]
- [bleep].
- Hey, I’d like to order \h\h\ha pick-up, please.
- What would you like?
- Okay, is there like a--like \h\h\h\h\h\ha--listen to me,
I’d like a cheese sandwich,
grilled cheese... \h\h\h\h- Mm-hmm.
- With a side of fries. \h\h\h\h\hNow, listen--
\h\h\hnow listen good, I want a veggie burger
with extra pickles and cheese.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, now hear me out.
Are you listening?
Are you there?
\h\h\h\h\h\hHello? - Yeah, I’m here.
- All right, now listen-- \h\h\h\h\h\hlisten to me.
I want a side of fries,
and I want two diet Cokes.
- Anything else?
- Yes, if you just listen \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto me.
Oh, man, I’m so sick \hand tired of people
who don’t wanna listen anymore, you know what I’m saying? Okay.
- Well, I’m listening to you. \h\h\h\hI’m taking your order.
What do you want me to do?
\h\h\h\h\h- All right, if I can get a word in.
\h\hI’d like a cheese sandwich, grilled cheese, extra pickles.
All right, now listen good \h\h\h\h\h\h\hon this one.
I don’t wanna have \hto repeat myself.
- Yeah, but you’re \hconfusing me now.
How many sandwiches \h\h\hdo you wanna?
- Buddy, buddy, buddy, \h\hI’m trying to order
if you just give me a minute \h\hto talk and listen to me.
I’m sorry.
I don’t wanna come down hard \h\h\hon you, but, you know,
\h\h\h\hthis COVID has really, you know, put me in a bad mood.
- I’m not trying to put you \h\h\h\h\h\hin a bad mood,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbut, you know, you’re repeating the order now,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso I don’t know how many sandwiches you wanna.
- I understand you’ve had \h\ha hard day. I get it.
All right, listen to me. I got a big family here,
and it’s a problem.
\hYou know, people never listen to me,
\hand I’m so sick and tired of it, you what I’m saying?
I’m just--you know, I talk. \h\h\h\h\h\hNobody listens.
\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right, so here’s what I want.
You listening to me?
I’d like a patty melt, \h\h\h\hextra pickles.
Now you listen to me, and you listen good.
I want that patty melt \h\h\h\h\hmedium rare.
Is that okay? Is that fine?
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah, I know, but the thing is, you know,
I’m trying to take your order, \h\h\hyou know, the right way,
you know, so I don’t mess up like you said, but you know--
- Yeah, you’re the best. \h\h\h\hYou’re the best.
- I don’t know what you’re \htrying to order, though.
\h- You’re the best. I’ve had a hard day.
\h- All right, so let’s start over again, okay>
- Yeah, here is what \h\h\hI’m gonna have.
\h\h\hI just wanna make sure that you are listening to me.
If you could just repeat,
what is your name first of all?
- [bleep]
Okay, so how are you gonna \h\h\h\hpay for your order,
credit or cash?
- I’ll probably pay with cash. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Cash?
\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah, cash? Do you guys take cash?
- Yeah, yeah, we do, yeah. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay.
- All right, okay.
\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right, you’re a good listener.
\h\h\h\h\hAll right, hang on a second now.
Hey, guys, who--you wanted \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\ha hot dog?
\hGuys, listen to me. Who wanted a hot dog?
\h\h\h\h\hOkay, all right. Sammy is having a hot dog.
So we get a hot dog \h\hwith the works.
\h\h- We don’t have that kind of food.
\h\h\hWe don’t have hot dogs here, sir.
- Okay, but listen to me.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI want two hot dogs with the works.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- I told you we don’t have hot dogs, sir.
\h\h\hWe don’t sell that kind of food.
- Did you look in the back?
- Do you--do you have anything \h\h\h\helse better to do, huh?
- Buddy, listen to me.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m trying to order food for my family.
\h\h\h\h\h- Why don’t you call another restaurant, all right,
and leave us alone, please?
\h- I like your hot dogs. All right, listen to me.
\h\h\h\h\hWhat kind of dogs are the hot dogs made from?
[receiver clicks]
[upbeat music]
\h\h\h\hTell me more about your hot dogs.
- Now, have you ever cleaned \h\h\h\h\h\ha bowling alley?
\h\h\h- I would have to speak with the owner of the company
\h\h\hbecause we normally don’t do bowling alleys.
\h- Hmm, where is he, at home, lounging about while you work?
\h\h\h\hIs he feasting off the sweat of his laborers?
- He might be.
- I've got an enormous cleanup job.
[line trilling]
- Good afternoon,
This is Diana. How can I help you?
- This is Niles Standish calling.
I have quite a cleanup job, and I need the best.
And I believe your company can handle this.
Yes-yes?
- Yes. - I need a doubled, yes-yes.
- Yes-yes.
- There we are.
Now, have you ever cleaned a bowling alley?
- Um, no.
- So let me tell you what happened.
We threw Mama a party for her 100th.
I'm not saying birthday, liver spot, or lover,
but it's one of those.
And things got a bit out of hand.
Her with her senior friends
made quite a mess of the lanes.
Now, I offered the bowling alley
to simply burn the place down
and have it rebuilt in the Greek revival style.
They wouldn't hear of it.
They want the whole place cleaned.
Can you handle this?
- I would have to speak with the owner of the company
because we normally don't do bowling alleys.
We usually do residences and offices,
so I would have to speak with him.
And he's currently not in the office right now.
- Hmm, where is he, at home, lounging about while you work?
Is he feasting off the sweet of his laborers?
'Cause I love it.
- He might be. [laughs]
- What if I were to tell you that my uncle, Joshua,
lives at the bowling alley illegally.
Does that count it as a residence?
- Probably not.
- All right.
Now, I will tell you, there is a bit of a problem,
and this is a little bit delicate.
One of mama's guests made a number deuce
in the claw machine.
We tried all night to get it out,
but alas, the game is quite difficult to master.
Have you ever won anything at the claw machine?
- No. - Hmm.
I really need somebody who's good at that
to get that dookie out of there.
Have you ever thrown a party for a 100-year-old?
- Yes.
- Well, then you know what I'm talking about.
You know how wild it can get. Can I tell you something?
- Sure.
- Mama's friend, Leonard,
tried to pick up a bowling ball,
popped his hernia, and made hummus in his pants.
That's not your problem. I just need to vent about it.
I said, "Don't bring Leonard."
- And she brought Leonard.
And what did we end up with?
- Hummus in the pants.
- Hummus in the pants, exactly, hummus in the pants.
Now, I don't know about your party,
but at my party, my little brother, Giles,
smuggled himself in inside the cake,
which made everyone who ate it sick
because Giles did not properly scrub himself beforehand,
did you, Giles?
- I did not poop.
- Hang up the phone, Giles. I was just calling--
- Who are you talking to?
- I'm talking to the hazmat team.
They're cleaning up the mess
at the bowling alley because of you.
- I didn't do it. Are you gonna clean up everything?
The stains go up thousands of miles.
- Please, please, hang up.
- Will you clean me?
- Giles, she's not going to clean--
please tell Giles you're not going to clean him.
- I do apologize, Giles, but that is not what we do.
- Just as a Saturday scrub up, hmm?
- She's not gonna give you a Saturday scrub up.
- I sit down at the sink
and you give me a Saturday scrub up.
- I apologize. Giles is--you know what?
Can you just hold on one moment?
I need to go use the bidet. Giles, you talk to her.
- Sure. - I like to clean things.
Do you like to clean things?
- Giles?
- I'm okay with cleaning things.
I'm more of the receptionist than the cleaner.
- Niles is cleaning his little brown trumpet
with the bidet. - Uh-oh.
- Yes, I am, and it's wondrous!
It's wondrous! Oh, I'm flying.
Somebody turn down the pressure on this thing.
- He's making all kinds of messes.
Will you come clean up Giles's messes?
- I think would probably need a hazmat team as well.
- I clean myself with my tongue.
Watch, look how long my tongue is.
- Oh, Giles, put your tongue away
and turn down the pressure on this damnable bidet!
I'm in the air.
- He's up in the air.
Do you want some chocolate birthday cake?
I have some in my bummer.
- Nope, I'm good. I don't like chocolate.
- I'm sorry, I'm back. I'm sorry.
And trust me, it's not chocolate.
Listen, you've been wonderful.
And what would the rate be for all of this?
- Like I said, I'd have to speak with my boss
because he's the one that does the pricing.
- Mm-hmm.
Let me ask you this. Do you have mops?
- Yes.
- How many mops do you have?
- At least three or four in each van.
- Would you do me a favor?
- Sure. - Would you double it?
- We probably could.
- I want you to double those mops.
You've been wonderful, love.
I will call back with all the information,
and I can't wait for Leonard's hummus to be all cleaned up.
- Wonderful.
- I'm gonna go ride the bidet some more.
Toodles, love. - Have fun.
Have a good day. Bye-bye.
[dramatic orchestral music]
- Yeah, she was awesome. She was great.
[electronic music]
- Look at that.
- [singing] MTV