[touch tones beeping]
[line trills]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
’Cause we’re having a ball
\h\h\hWe’re just making some calls to strangers
We’re back on the cell
And the world’s \h\hgone to hell
But you’re gonna \h\h\hfeel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
\h\h\hThey’ll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
’Cause we’re disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
\h\h\h\h\h\hWon’t you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
[line trills]
- Good afternoon [bleep] Bakery.
- Hi, hi. So I was wondering
do you guys have gingerbread cookies, correct?
- We sure do, yes, ma'am.
- Um, do you have gingerbread man cookies
and gingerbread girl cookies?
- No, just gingerbread-- well, we do gingerbread,
and they've got the raisins for the buttons and the eyes.
- Mm-hmm. - So we have the--
Yeah, they're just--
and they're made out of gingerbread.
- Can you make girl gingerbread cookies?
- Uh, not at this time.
We're just making those for right now. We just--
- Oh, okay, 'cause I'm having a get-together
and, I'm--you know, I have some friends.
And what I was trying to do was make cookies
that represent us women's, you know, uh,
'cause we're pretty curvy.
And, uh, I saw that you guys are a bakery
and y'all got pretty--
they're pretty skinny-looking cookies,
and they look nonbinary.
Are those nonbinary cookies?
- Yeah, they're like-- so they've got--
So I don't think you could, you know, differentiate
because they've got the raisins in them,
you know, the raisins for the buttons.
- Right, they all kinda look like skinny--
skinny bitches to me.
- They do? - I'm seeing online.
They look kind of skinny.
The cookies look kind of--
and me and my friends, we're thick.
- You mean skinny as in thin, like the thin, thin?
- I'm saying the shape.
The shape of the cookie, you know,
like, can we get-- - Oh!
So I was wondering if I could get
like a special order of the cookie
that's more, you know, curvaceous.
- No, like, so that's the only way--
that's the only way we make 'em 'cause we have a cookie cutter.
- Okay, but could we, like, just add a little something
extra to give him more curves, more hip?
- Yeah, that's-- no, like I said,
that's my cookie cutter. That's the only one I have.
- And most bakers would consider themself--
do you consider yourself a artist?
- We have a decorator. She's wonderful.
She can, you know--she can draw and do all that, but--
- Is she there, 'cause maybe we can talk about
adding some curves to this-- to this gingerbread cookie?
- Yeah, no, like I said, it's not that.
It's the cookie cutter.
It's got nothing to do with that.
- Oh, so y'all not--
y'all not into, like, making things
that represent your community?
- Yeah, right. Well, it's just like--
so we just--I mean, it's just the cookie cutter.
I mean, if I had a different kind of cookie cutter,
maybe I could go from there, but--
- Now--now, this is like society.
This is like systemic racism all--just in your bakery.
- Oh, no! Not at all. It's the cookie cutter.
It's the-- - One cookie cutter,
do you think that's good enough
for all the people that live in this community?
- Yeah, we've had that cookie cutter for 48 years.
- Yeah, well, we've had systemic racism for over 200.
I'm just saying. It's time for change.
- Well, I'll just say maybe next time I'm out and about,
I need to look and see what's out there, you know.
In fact, the smiley faces, they're round.
We've made those for 48 years,
you know, nothing racism or personal.
- But everybody not smiling.
Where's the sad face? Where's the indifferent face?
- Well, we made sad faces one time.
We got all kinds of flack. We don't do that anymore.
- No more sad faces?
- Yeah, no, we got in big trouble.
We won't do that again.
- Well, there's a lot of curvy women out here, okay.
- Oh, I know. You're right. - There's a lot,
especially after this pandemic,
a lot of us have put on-- we are fluffy.
And we would love to have a cookie that represents us.
- If you can find me a cookie cutter like that,
please bring it in, and I'll look at it, you bet.
- If I bring you a curvy cookie cutter,
you will make me some curvy gingerbread cookies?
- If you'll find me a curvy cookie cutter, bring it in,
and we'll go from there, you bet.
- Okay, 'cause I'm gonna put some--
I want booties on them, you know what I'm saying?
Like, some hips, some ginger booty cookies.
And, like, after we have this, you know, curvy girl party,
we gonna have a naughty girl party.
And we looking to get some dicks.
Some cookie dicks,
like gingerbread dicks and things like that
'cause we gonna be selling dildos, and whatnot, vibrators,
lingerie, things like that.
So the snacks,
I want all the sweets to be shaped like,
you know, men's body parts and penises
and stuff like that. - Right.
Yeah, we can--like, we can make a cake.
She can make a cake, you know, that we call the "bikini cake"
but without the bikini, and we can--
- Put a penis on it? - Yeah.
- Now, do you make gingerbread cakes?
- No, we just make gingerbread cookies.
- Do you do red velvet? 'Cause then if we did a red--
- No. - You don't do red velvet cake?
- No, I gotta go. I gotta go back to work,
but let me know if you find that cookie cutter.
- Okay, thank you, neighbor.
- All right, bye-bye.
- [laughs]
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[line trills]
- [bleep].
- Hi, I'm calling about my client
and I wanted to set something up
where she could come in and do a little bit of shopping.
- Ooh, I like how that sounds. - Yes.
- Um, okay. So, well, what's her name?
- Her name is Ivanka - Okay.
- And she's been through a lot this year,
as I'm sure you know.
Um, she wants to shop it out, you know.
She just wants to shop through it.
- So I'll just put you on the phone
with my manager, Richie, and then you could go over...
- Oh, great, Richie. - A few things that you would--
Yes, Richie. Okay, wonderful.
- Hello.
- Hi, Richie, we're just working through some details,
and, um, thought it wise to get you on the line.
- Okay, what is this regarding?
- My client, um, Ivanka Trump,
uh, wants to come in and do some shopping,
and I just wanted to go through some things
and make sure everything is hunky-dory.
- Okay. So what does that entail?
- Well, I--first of all, I just wanna make sure
that this is a private conversation,
and it will be kept discreet.
- Okay.
- So she just wants to do some shopping
and, um, she's kind of American royalty.
So, um, we just wanna make sure she's treated as such.
- Yeah, so just let me know a date, um,
and I'll make sure whoever is here is aware of that.
- Yes.
Now, if you could, you and your staff,
whomever is there it would be so great
if you could just pretend her father won the election.
And, um, maybe even if you make mention of it, like,
"Hey, congrats to your dad on wining so easily."
- I'm sorry.
- Jared will be with her as well, her husband.
So if there's a quiet corner
with soft items where he can sit,
because he sometimes gets "overwhelmed"
if you could just set up like a little nest for him.
- He is saying that we pretend
that her father won the election.
[laughter]
- That would be good. [laughter]
She's-- [laughs]
- I know. I get it. I understand.
That this is funny, but it's not funny to her.
It's, you know, it's her family, her life.
- I'm sorry.
I can't pretend that her father won the election.
- Well... - And we have couches
if Jared would like to come in and sit.
- Can we avoid-- - But I also have a call now.
So I can't--I can, you know,
she's free to come in whenever,
um... - Yes.
- But I have another call to jump on now, so--
- Wait a minute, I'm calling you
about the First Daughter of the United States,
who prefers to be called First Lady by the way.
So just say that when she comes in.
And you're saying-- [line clicks]
She's never gonna be able to shop again.
This is fantastic.
[lively classical music]
- [burps]
- Now, it is a indoor pool. It's a--technically--
Some people would say it's more of a tub,
but, you know, there's a rubber ducky.
There is room for a floaty.
And I think there's room for you.
Float above that bullshit together.
- Perfect. We'll see you then.
[upbeat music]
- [laughs]
[line trills]
♪ ♪
- Thank you for calling [bleep].
This is Betty.
- Hey, Betty, this is Ron. How are you doing today?
- Good. How are you?
- Oh, I'm--ugh. I--you know how--
I'm okay, Betty. I'm doing okay.
- Good. [laughs] - You know how this--
the year's been what it is,
and I'm trying to set up my new year
and buy some new pool items,
some new inflatable items and forget
all about this bullshit going on in the world,
you know what I'm talking about. - Yeah, no, I agree.
- So I was just calling to see what type of new floaties,
new inflatables you got,
'cause I'm trying to float above that bullshit.
- I have the-- I do have limited stock.
My valley does have a lot more.
- Mm-hmm. - Um...
However, I do have like, a stingray,
- I like that.
- A white swan, things like that.
- Do you have one that look like little people,
where it could be like I was--
like pretend one's like my boss
and I'm like I'm floating above my boss' bullshit, you know.
- Got you. Um, not people.
I think animals are gonna be what we carry,
and then we have pool toys.
We have inflatable beer pong tables.
We also have, like a golfing...
- Nah, see, golf makes me-- that stress me out.
My golf game is bullshit, so that would stress me out.
- Yeah, you stand on the outside of the pool
and you have a floaty in the water.
- Oh, and then everything, like, just floats away.
- And then we have a floor-- floatable cooler as well
if you just want a floaty or anything.
- No, I know that foldable cooler out there.
I could just stay there all day.
- Mm-hmm.
- To me, 2020 feels like a whole limp dick pool noodle
and I'm trying to get everything out here,
flush this water down, and start anew.
- Agree.
- I though you would. I knew you would.
I could tell from the tone in your voice
that you don't deal with this bullshit.
Now my boss are giving me these bull shit texts right now
trying to get me to go to work, and I'm like, "You know
I'm looking for pool floaties right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ugh, I'm just so happy I got this pool,
but I want it to be bigger.
Sometimes I feel like six feet just ain't deep enough
for all this bullshit we going through in the world today.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, I'm gonna definitely buy a floaty from you guys,
even if you don't have it.
I mean, we can work on the variety later,
and then I'll buy the floaty.
Um, and you guys-- you guys deliver it, right?
And then, I can--
you can come over and swim with me.
- [laughs] Yeah, we don't necessarily deliver it
unless there's, like, a $250, like, order for--
- Oh, that's not a thing!
If that's what it costs
to get you to come over and swim with me,
I'll spend the $250.
'Cause I ain't worried about that bullshit.
Be fun. - Perfect.
- And then we can get that cooler filled up,
laid back and just both talk about that bullshit,
float--float away.
Float away from our bosses,
our loved ones, our ex-wives, and husbands.
- Perfect, we'll see you then.
- Absolutely, absolutely.
Now, it is a indoor pool. It's technically--
Some people would say it's more of a tub,
but, you know, there's a rubber ducky.
There is room for a floaty,
and I think there's room for you.
Float above that bullshit together.
- Perfect.
- All right, new best friend, we gonna have that tub time.
I can't wait.
- Perfect.
- Okay, you said "perfect," but you said it in a way
that was like you was not really thinking about it.
But you'll see--
- Awesome, see you later. - It's gonna be fun.
You don't think you gonna want to, but you are.
- Bye-bye.
- Gotta go wash my little ducky.
Oh, that's what I call my penis.
[line clicks]
[upbeat music]
We're gonna have a new friend come over.
♪ ♪
- Thin mint?
Ma'am, I got thighs, okay.
- I'm sorry?
- I have thighs, real thick sexy thighs,
and I didn't appreciate the thin mint.
[laughter] A-are--oh,
are people laughing at me in the background?
- No, ma'am, 'cause you're the only one I'm talking to.
- Yep, let’s do it.
[line trills]
♪ ♪
\h\h\h- [bleep] market. This is Linda speaking.
- Hi, my name is Sasha.
- Yes. How can we help you?
- I was honestly calling \h\hto make a complaint.
Is that--are you the person
\h\h\h\h\h\hthat I can make the complaint to?
- So the DM is gone for the day, but I’m assistant manager.
- Fantastic. What’s your name?
\h\h- I’m Linda. - Hi, Miss Linda.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Hi. - Um, basically,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hyou have people outside of your grocery store.
It was this group of little girls.
They are outside of your store,
and they got these \h\hbox of cookies
and they dressed in uniforms
\h\hlike they’re in some type of cult.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay, well, we haven’t had Girl Scouts
\hselling cookies since last year.
\h\h- I mean, are you guys out there monitoring the situation
because this is the reason why sometimes I feel uncomfortable
coming into your grocery store.
- The only time that we have \h\h\h\h\h\hanything outside
is for a church, like a bake sale.
- They said the money go where \hthey could do fun activities.
Kids don’t need to be doing fun activities.
- Um...
- Look like they were doing \h\h\h\h\h\h\hconstruction,
talking about, "Oh, you gonna \h\h\h\h\hlike this, ma’am."
Oh, you gonna like this."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Let me-- can I take your phone number
and then I can give it--
’cause I’m not sure if the--
the ladies, if the name of them \h\h\h\hladies who’s out there.
\h\h\h\h\h- Oh, my--ma’am, they called me "thin mint,"
and I didn’t appreciate that.
\hLook, I can handle those bitches, okay.
Like, it was a insult.
Thin mint?
Ma’am, I got thighs, okay.
- I’m sorry?
\h\h\h- I have thighs, real thick sexy thighs,
and I didn’t appreciate \h\h\h\hthe thin mint.
[laughter]
-Are--oh, are people laughing \h\hat me in the background?
- No, ma’am,
’cause you’re the only one \h\h\h\h\h\hI’m talking to.
- I’m telling you right now. They were like, "Hey, Samoa."
I’m not even from Samoa. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know--
Do you know how that sounds, \h\h\hhow racist and hurtful
\h\h\h\h\hthat can be to a person like me?
- I do apologize--
sorry that that’s, you know, \hum, has happened with you,
but I was unaware of it.
- Honestly, I think they work \h\h\h\h\h\hfor some old lady
that take all they money, \hlike some type of pimp.
So maybe those kids \h\hare in trouble.
How about we fix that?
- I know, and usually, there’s \han adult with them there too.
And the one young lady that sells the cookies
with her children.
\h\h\h\h\hI mean, she’s just as young-looking as the kids are.
- She a cookie pimp!
That’s the one!
That’s the lady!
I’m telling you, that’s the one.
\h\hYou gotta go after her. I bought some, by the way.
I’m just letting you know \h\h\hthat I bought some.
\h\h\h\h- Uh-huh. - Matter of fact,
I’m about to try one right now.
Ooh, shit, this is--
Miss Linda, this is good. \h\h\hI ain’t gonna lie.
It’s like crack.
It tastes like good crack.
- Oh, really?
- The lady--the lady \hwith the two kids,
you got her number?
Because I-I-I need these \hlittle crack peddlers.
I need some more of these.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- I don’t-- I don’t know who she is.
- She the cookie pimp out there \h\hwrecking the neighborhood,
Miss Linda. - [laughs]
\h\h\h\h\h- So you know who I’m talking about.
- I’m not--I’m not sure.
- Miss Linda, it-- \hI think it’s you.
\hI know you know what’s going on.
It’s your store.
\h\h- I’m-- - I knew it!
I knew you was the cookie pimp, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMiss Linda.
- Right now, we’re really busy.
So I need to get off the phone
\h\h\hin order to be able to take of the customers.
- Um, I will be in your store \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin about, uh,
12 minutes.
I think this is very fishy.
- Thank you.
- I’ma need those cookies, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthough,
like 500 boxes, thin mints.
- We don’t have the thin mints. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThey’re--
- Meet me in the back alley, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMiss Linda.
- All right, bye-bye \h\h\h\h\h- Bye-bye.
[line clicks]
Why do they stay on the phone? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs]
I would have been like, \h\h\h\h\h"Girl, bye."
I just don’t have the patience. \h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s like--[laughs]
- Let me get a designer \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor you.
- The blinds should just be nipple-high
\h\h\h’cause they’re gonna have to shell out if they wanna see
any of this belly button, you know what I’m saying.
I wanna maintain a little mystery.
- Okay, let me get a designer \h\h\hfor you, just a moment.
♪ ♪
- [laughing]
[line trills]
- Good afternoon. [bleep]. This is Mary.
- Hi Mary,
I'm so glad you're there.
I-I wanna get some Venetian blinds as soon as possible.
I know you'd probably come out and measure it first,
but it's a big job.
I have like nine windows.
Um, a couple of them are 24x54,
some are smaller, some are bigger.
The thing is, I, uh-- my neigh--
I just need to figure something out
'cause I feel like all my neighbors
are snooping on me all the time.
Uh, and I just want to, you know, to have some privacy.
- Okay, well, you say
when you want to get this taken care of really quickly.
- Here's the thing, the whole reason I'm getting them
is I have gotten some complaints
'cause I'm--I'm nude a lot.
I've been--but I wanna be respectful to my neighbors.
I don't do anything illegal.
And I'm just a good single dude
just doing my business.
And, uh, we've got the nine windows there.
So there's a lot-- a lot of angles to see me from.
So I gotta cover that up
but not too much, you know.
I'd like to have some silhouettes.
I don't want anybody to see pubes or nothing.
- How quickly are you hoping to have the blinds installed?
- Well, I--I should have done this earlier
'cause it is a full moon tonight,
and I'm having friends over.
So, uh, you know,
I wanna be showered with light.
The sun bounces off my naked body,
but I don't want Frank, my neighbor,
to gawk, you know what I mean?
Like, take a picture, it lasts longer.
- Let me get a designer for--
- The blind should just be nipple-high,
'cause they're gonna have to shell out if they wanna see
any of this belly button, you know what I'm saying.
I wanna maintain a little mystery.
- Okay, let me get a designer for you, just a moment.
- [bleep].
- Hey, uh, I'm calling about getting some Venetian blinds
installed, uh,
but I need to do something
'cause I feel like, uh, I'm putting on a free show here.
My neighbors can see in, and, uh, I feel they're gawking
at me 24/7, you know, what I'm saying?
- Sure. Um, what's your name, sir?
- Brian. They call me Bri-dog.
I wanna maintain a little mystery, you know what I mean?
Like, people look in at me,
and I've been nude since COVID
because, uh, I don't-- my pants don't fit.
And, uh-- - [laughs]
No, we can do that.
We can definitely help your neighbors.
[laughs]
- And then we gotta get rid of Frank.
Frank--
Frank's looking--hey!
Quit looking at me, Frank.
I-I, uh--
I'm a person. I have feelings.
It's not a free show, Frank.
- There you go. There you go.
- He seems to stare at me the most when I'm eating.
He's so weird.
- I got you. [laughs]
- Curtains wouldn't work.
I want the blinds 'cause I, uh,
I like to give him a little taste,
but also maintain a little bit of mystery.
Otherwise, come-- why come to the party?
You know what I'm saying?
And, uh-- - Exactly.
- In silhouette, I look exactly like an adolescent puffin,
only with a dingaling.
But I don't think puffins have dingalings.
I'm gonna look that up after I get off the phone with you.
- Oh-- - If I buy blinds from you,
and my neighbors still complain,
um, how's the refund? Can I get a refund or?
- Yeah, right. - Okay--no?
- All right, I'm gonna have [bleep] to call you.
- Oh, it's gonna be great.
- All right, hey, thank-- I'm going into appointments--
- I don't have a computer. Can you look it up?
Do puffins have a penis? Hello?
- [laughs]
- What about if we installed a coin box outside my window
for anybody who does wanna watch?
- All right, man. Hey, we'll give you a call.
[line clicks]
- [laughs]
He was awesome.
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Look at that.
- [singing] MTV