[touch tones beeping]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
'Cause we're having a ball
We're just making some calls to strangers
We're back on the cell
And the world's gone to hell
But you're gonna feel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
They'll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
'Cause we're disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
- "Crank Yankers."
[upbeat music]
[line trilling]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- [bleep] Gym. - Hi, who am I speaking with?
\h\h- Who’s this? - This is Craig.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Craig, how can I help you, man?
- Hey, man, I’m just calling
\h\h\hbecause I met a guy at the gym the other day,
and I’m wondering if you \h\hcan help me find him?
- Possibly.
- Okay. He was real built
\h\hlike a real like muscular, strong dude
\hwith like the neck things, like the slumps on the neck.
Do you guys have any regulars \h\hthat come in with those?
- Lumps on the neck?
\h\h\h- Uh, you know, like when your neck--
when your neck’s so muscular
that it looks like you have two necks.
Like, you know what I’m talking about?
- He had some traps? \h\h- Yeah [chuckles].
Yeah, that’s probably what \h\h\h\hit’s called, sorry.
Do you guys have any guys \hwith big ones of those?
- I mean, probably, yeah, \h\h\h\h\hthere’s a few.
- I’m asking ’cause I was in \hthere, uh, like a week ago
and this guy I met he-- \hhe had his--his neck
was as thick as probably \h\h\h\h\hmy whole chest.
And I’m not a small guy. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Uh-huh.
- And we got to talking, and he didn’t--he didn’t
wipe down the machine before me \hso I was gonna get on to him.
But then we got to talking, and we had a lot in common
and I feel like we kind of \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hhit it off,
\hbut I didn’t get his name or number.
- White guy? Black guy? \h\h\h\h\hHispanic guy?
- He was like white \h\h\hor Hispanic.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOr like real light-skinned Black guy.
I mean, he just--he was \h\h\h\hvery ambiguous.
\h\h- I don’t know, I hon-- I honestly don’t know, man.
\h\h\h\hYou know, I mean, there’s a bunch of dudes
\h\h\h\h\hin here with some traps and stuff--
\h\h\h\h\h\h- He had like a big head of hair, too.
- Long hair? Big hair?
I don’t know man, I hon-- \hI honestly don’t know.
I-I honestly don’t, man.
\h\h- I’m sorry, dude--is there just anybody you can think of?
’Cause I’m just worried \hI’m not gonna be able
to find him again.
He was wearing those like \h\h\h\h’80s gym shorts,
\hand there was kind of a flopping around going on.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs] If you know what I mean.
- ’80s gym shorts. \h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah.
And he was hanging loose \h\h\h\hin those things.
\h\h\h- I--well, most guys I’ll tell ya, to be honest,
most guys come in at the same time.
\h\h\hSo I mean, you know, if you’re here during that time,
you’re bound to run into \h\h\h\h\hhim again, man.
- Yeah, I just got a lot \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hgoing on.
\h\h- I can’t think of--I can’t think of who it would’ve been.
Honestly, I mean, there’s a lot of dudes in here--
you know that are-- - Like hot. Built.
- That are that way, you know what I mean?
\h\hThere’s just a lot. - But he was giving out
\hfree headlocks, though. That might be something.
- He was giving out \h\hfree headlocks?
- Yeah, he was saying anyone \h\h\h\hwho wants a headlock
\h\h\h\hget on up here. - Head locking people?
\h\h- And then he was giving out headlocks.
- No, but I remember some-- \h\hI remember--I remember
hearing something about \h\h\h\h\h\hheadlocks.
\hI do remember, ’cause I was downstairs and I was doin’--
\hI was downstairs. - Is there any guys
that come in regularly \h\h\h\h\h\hthat like--
’cause I remember another \h\h\hthing about him is
before he got off \h\hthe machine,
I was watching him bench, \hand he was killing it.
But he was--every time he pushed up, he’d go--
he’d go, "Aaaaaah!"
You know what I mean?
\h\hHe’d just really like let it out with the push.
- Jeez, man, honestly, that \hwould’ve stood out to me,
because I don’t really like \h\h\h\hpeople doing that,
and I still can’t think of \h\hwho that would’ve been.
- Wait a second, I’m-- \h\h\h\h- Oh, hold on.
He has a lot of hair, \h\h\h\h\hthis dude.
He’s got a lot of hair.
He’s got long hair like-- \h\h\h\h\hlike long hair.
- Yes. Yeah like down-- \h\hdown his back, yes.
- [exhales] He’s a regular, and I don’t know his name.
I honestly do not know \h\h\h\hthe guy’s name.
- Can you take down a note \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor me
just to leave for someone else \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hat the desk
so they could maybe \h\h\hidentify him?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Sure. - So if you see him,
give him this note, okay? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hHey, you...
Did you get that? \h\h\h\h\h- Okay.
- It’s me.
- Uh-huh.
- ’Sup?
- ’Sup. Okay. \h[laughing]
- And then put a question mark \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon it.
- No problem man. \h\h\h\h\h\hHuh?
- He might meet a lot of guys \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin there,
\h\h\hso I’m just wondering-- I’m sorry to be so annoying,
but you’ve been so helpful--
would you mind drawing \h\h\h\ha picture of me
if I just described myself \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto you?
- Dude, I can’t draw a picture. \h\h\h\h\hI got--I got someone
\h\hsitting here waiting to get a membership, man.
- Well, I mean, they can wait.
We’re doing something \h\h\himportant here.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- No, I’m not-- They’re not gonna--[chuckles]
\hSorry. You can send me a picture, I don’t care,
but you know, whatever. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay.
- Send me a picture through your email.
- And then you’ll print it \h\h\h\hand give it to him?
- Sure. [laughs] I’ll put your note on the picture
and hand it to him, okay?
\h\h\h\h- You gotta promise me you’re not gonna also stop him
from yelling, ’cause I feel \hlike now I ratted him out
\h\hon the grunting while he does that.
- [laughs] No, no I wou-- \h- And it’s really hot.
It kinda turns me on. You know what I mean?
- Seriously I got some-- I got someone here, man.
I gotta get off the phone. \hI gotta sign someone up.
- Totally understand. \h\h\hBefore you do,
can I just ask you one more \h\h\hthing before you go?
- What?
- Cou--would you mind grunting \h\h\h\h\hfor me a little bit?
- No. I’m not doing that, no. \h\h- ’Cause it could be you.
- I’m gonna get off the phone. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay. Bye.
[line clicks]
[upbeat music]
- He was sweet. He was sweet. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[laughs]
- Ready to prank. \h\h\h[chuckles]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h[line trills] - Let’s enter the prank zone.
- Hello, Everything Bagels. - Do you do custom orders?
- I’m sorry, uh, I’m not sure \h\h\h\h\h\hwhat that means.
- Catering. - Uh, yes.
- Great. Let me put you on \h\hwith my brother, Mork.
\h\h\h- Hi. Mimi Mork. We have a very special
\hsurprise bar mitzvah we’re doing for Daddy next weekend,
and we want to make it \h\ha wonderful event.
And we want to do something \h\hlike the Michelin woman
out of bagels.
So you’ve heard of \h\hthe naked women
with the sushi eating off--
\h\hwe want to do something a little bit more wholesome
\h\h\h\h\hand buy a bunch of your beautiful bagels,
\h\hput them around a lady, and serve that to our Daddy
for his first bar mitzvah.
\h\h\h- Now, needless to say, that’s gonna be a big bagel.
- Yeah. Ha ha.
And we’d want to do something \h\h\h\h\h\hlike long bagels
\hand a little scallion cream cheese in between
and then some lox so it looks like
a really wonderful feast \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor Daddy.
- I see.
\h- It’s gonna end up being a dozen bagels
for this big bagels.
- When would you need this by?
\h\h- Next weekend is the bar mitzvah.
\h\h- All right, ’cause I would recommend calling back tomorrow
\h\h\h\hwhen a manager or supervisor is here.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Right. - So then they would know
\hmore details, and when it comes to like customizing,
like they’re in charge of \h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat stuff.
- One--yeah one of the most \h\h\himportant things is,
uh, Daddy’s bar mitzvah \h\h\his Smurf-themed.
So we’re wondering if you could \hadd a little bit of blue dye
\h\hto the bagels to make the Michelin bagel woman
kind of this blue experience. - It’s an adult bar mitzvah,
so it’s not going to be \h\hsomething anyone’s
going to judge too harshly on \h\h\h\hif it’s not perfect.
- Sounds...unique.
\h- And the way that we’re planning it is I’m gonna--
Mork is gonna dress up \h\h\h\hlike Gargamel,
and I’m gonna come in \hand it’s gonna be,
"Oh, no, the bar mitzvah \h\h\h\h\h\h\his ruined.
\h\hGargamel’s here!" My brother Brad says,
\h\h\h\h\h\h"Don’t worry, we have the bagel woman."
- And then we’ll roll her out-- \h\h\h\h\h\h\hwhether it’s you
or somebody else, an actress--
and they will be surrounded \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin bagels,
poppy seed and whatnot.
And hopefully if--if we can
\h\h\h\h\h\h\htoast them at the right temperature,
it’s not gonna singe anyone.
- No. And Gargamel will jump
right on top of the bagel woman \h\h\h\hand say, "Let’s feast!"
And Daddy and all his friends
\h\h\h\h- [giggling] - Will come and nibble
on the bagel woman’s...
\h\h\hslowly revealing the blue cream cheese.
\h\h- We can’t have any hair on anybody involved, though.
That’s why, uh, Mork and I are \h\hgetting completely shaved,
uh, for the occasion.
- I’m sorry, what was that?
- I’m just worried anyone \hthere is going to be--
if you have people with hair, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike eyebrows
or even hair on their heads or their back or anywhere,
we just--I know that’s something that Daddy’s
not gonna want to see.
And if we could do bialys \h\h\h\h\hat some point,
I think that would be fun \h\h\h\h\h\hto munch on.
- Um, I’m not sure \h\h\hwe have that.
- And one of the fun parts \h\h\h\hthat’s gonna happen
after the ceremony \his gonna be, uh,
Smurfs vs Transformers.
So we have some of my dad’s-- \h\hDaddy’s friends from work
\h\h\hare dressing up as the Transformers.
And they’re gonna come in \h\hand scare the Smurfs.
And we’ve never seen \h\hanything like it.
\h\h- We want, you know, we want this bar mitzvah,
since he didn’t have it \h\h\h\h\h\h\has a kid,
just to be his dream party \h\hand to see all of his--
\hall those old-timers that spend so much time
making those Transformer \h\hsuits--Optimus Prime.
- His friend Joe is gonna \hdress up as Bumblebee.
We hope. \h- Yeah.
\h\h- So when--when it comes to like catering,
\h\hlike, we’ll only do like-- you guys will just pick it up?
Like, we won’t go there.
- But who would be in the--
yeah, I’m sure Mork \h\his going here--
\h\hbut who would be in the bagel costume then?
- We can’t do any bagel people
\h\hor help you with costumes at all or anything like that.
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Well, uh, that’s a little weird.
- I mean, we have--we budgeted \h\h\h\h\hfor the bagel costume
and for someone--and we can \h\h\heven offer it to you.
We have $35...
\hyou know, if you’re comfortable with that
for a two-day commitment.
Can you picture how cute it is
\h\hfor mimi Mork to be in the Gargamel costume
and roleplaying with all \h\hmy Daddy’s old-timers
\h\h\h\h\h\hin their Transformer outfits.
\h\h\h\h\h- And I’m gonna be Gargamel’s cat, on all fours,
dressed up as a cat.
- Nope. No, thank you.
We’re not doing that.
- And I’ll be petting the cat \hand I’ll be tossing the cat
onto--onto the bagel sculpture,
and Brad’ll be licking \hthe cream cheese up.
[slurping]
It’ll be a wonderful day \hof this 12-hour party.
- Oh, Jesus. [line clicks]
[laughter]
- Such a good place to hang up. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- I know.
- Such a good place to hang up.
\h- Hey, do you know who Caitlyn Jenner is, baby?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yeah. - Yeah, that’s me, baby.
Listen, we need a few supplies \h\h\h\hto win this challenge.
You want to help?
- I don’t know if I do or not.
[chuckling]
- Let’s just hang up \h\hon these people.
- [chuckles]
[line trills]
[line trilling]
[click, beep]
- Hello, uh, this is, uh,
gonna be a weird call, okay?
Do you know who Bill Maher is?
- No. Mm-mm.
- Okay, well, that's me, and I'm a celebrity.
I'm surprised you don't know who I am.
I'm part of a reality show and--
- Uh-huh. - We have to call people
and get supplies. It's part of the challenge.
It's a stupid challenge, but I'm doing the show
because it's for charity. Okay?
- Okay. - We have Jeff Goldblum here
and Caitlyn Jenner,
so I'm gonna put some of them on.
This is rid--Caitlyn, what do you want?
- Hey, do you know who Caitlyn Jenner is, baby?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's me, baby.
Listen, we need a few supplies to win this challenge.
You want to help?
- Well, I don't know if I do or not.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's for charity. We need four hammers
and six packs of nails.
- Uh, yes, yes, also uh, Jeff Goldblum here.
Uh, we also need to get some of the tarps, uh,
for the supplies.
Do you have tarps there?
Yes, yes? - Okay, you said four hammers--
- Uh, yes, yes, four hammers.
- And we sell nails by the pound.
- Let's just hang up on these people.
- Uh, no, we're not hanging up on you.
Uh, yes, we need four hammers, some supplies,
and some tarps.
Have you seen "Jurassic Park"? Yes, yes?
- No.
- What? I--ha...
- Ma'am, you haven't--
You don't know any celebrities, huh?
- I don't.
- Everyone knows who we are. We're famous.
You must live in Podunk, Nowhere, ma'am.
- Ha ha.
- Just kidding.
- You're blue-collar people? I love blue-collar people.
- Good. - All right so can you--
You're gonna have to just give us
these hammers and some nails, all right?
- Now, are you asking them to--to be donated?
- Uh, yes, yes, donated nails and hammers.
- Yeah, if you could just give that to us, that'd be great.
- Okay.
- Uh, yes, ma'am, thank you so much for your, uh,
wonderful, uh, patience with these, uh, lunatics.
Uh, we're gonna need the hammers.
I thought I could persuade some nails,
take them off the walls with my sultry voice.
Do you like my voice? Yes?
- I can't do that because the--the boss,
the owner is not here today,
so you would have to call back Monday and talk to her.
- Oh, great. We gotta call back and do this? Great.
Ugh, what is it with you people?
- Okay, we'll call back.
Don't listen to that old stick in the mud.
Total ass.
You don't know Bill Maher? He's a pompous ass!
- Oh, shut up, Caitlyn. - You shut up.
I'll kick your ass. I'm an Olympic champion, baby.
- [laughs] - Won 14 gold medals.
- Thank you.
- Size 16 Jimmy Choos, baby.
[line clicks]
- Hello? Oh crap.
I think she hung up on us.
- My brother. All right, man.
- I can tell you a New Yorker, Victor.
You a New Yorker.
- Yes, yes, all the way, baby.
- You guys got any desserts right now?
- Uh, I got cheesecake with raspberry on top.
- Oh, I don't--I'm allergic to [bleep] cheesecake.
You trying to kill me out there, Victor?
- [laughs]
- I'd like to see the menu.
[line trills]
[line trilling]
[click, beep]
- Hey, this is Ron. Who am I speaking to?
- Uh, this is Victor. Who's this?
- Hey, this is Ron, Victor. I just want to see
if I could place an order to pick up.
- Oh, yeah, what can I get for you, sir?
- I want to get a salami and provolone.
I'm also gonna get a grilled chicken wrap, um, and also--
- Wait one second, one second, one second, buddy, one second.
What's the first thing you want?
- See, now you I like, Victor.
This is what I like about you.
- [laughs] - That's what I like, man.
I called the other day, I talked to somebody.
I was a little bit rude to them and they just took it, man.
I was like, you know, if I'm rude, call me an asshole.
Call me a [bleep] dick, you know?
That's what I want in New York City.
You know I can't just be--
- Oh shit, oh shit, okay, okay. [laughs]
- Yeah, you get it. You get it.
So if I get rude, you put me in my [bleep] place.
All right, brother? [laughs]
- All right, let's start it again.
All right salami, provolone--
- Oh, you starting from the beginning?
Now, okay, now this I don't like.
Okay, you got it, you got it the salami and provolone.
You got it, I'm sorry. I apologize again.
- Uh, well, what is that a roll, a hero?
- I'm sorry, Victor, I know-- I don't want to bulls--
I don't want to waste your time.
I know there ain't no bullshitting with Victor.
I apologize. Let me shut up.
- No, it's good. You good. Don't worry about it.
You good. You good, man.
- I appreciate you, bro. I appreciate you.
'Cause you gotta teach some of them other workers there
to stick up for themselves.
They need some type of training....
- Yeah. - To deal with New York City.
If like my mom come in there--
- Got to get it together, right?
- You gotta get it together, Victor.
You know if I tell you,
"Hey, your [bleep] sandwiches ain't shit,"
you gotta come at me and go, "Yo mama ain't shit!"
You know, Victor? [laughs]
- My brother, all right, man.
- I can tell you a New Yorker, Victor.
You a New Yorker. - Yes, yes, all the way, baby.
- You guys got any desserts right now?
- Oh, sure, I got a cheesecake with raspberry on top.
- Oh, I don't--I'm allergic to [bleep] cheesecake.
You trying to kill me out there, Victor?
- The what-- the cheese?
- No, I mean, I can have cheese,
but I'd be overloaded with that cheesecake.
I can't breathe, Victor.
- Yeah, yeah, I got a--man, you should take the apple, uh,
banana, blueberry cake. Good, man.
- That's the one, that's the one you recommend? Because--
- Yeah, man, it's so good, man.
- All right, that's what I like about you, man.
See, you everything for me. You put me in my place.
You my life coach.
You keep me away from eating food that'll kill me.
I love--man you the best. You the best.
Everybody need a Victor, especially that bitch Sampson
down in 17th Street Market.
They don't know what they doing over there.
Ha ha ha. [line clicks]
Victor?
You gotta call me a bitch
before you hang up on me, Victor.
[line trilling]
[click, beep] - Can I help you?
- Hey, I was just talking with Victor and, uh,
we got disconnected. I was trying
to finish my order with him.
- Oh, sure. You left off with the cake, correct?
- Yes, yes, you got it. You got it, I appreciate that.
I just wanted to get that Bernie Madoff meatball sandwich
and then Victor promised he'd tell me
to go [bleep] myself when he hung up.
And it was our inside joke.
Don't think that he was being rude.
- Is this a delivery or pickup? - This'll be pickup, pickup.
- Okay. I'll see you here then.
- Okay, could you tell me to go [bleep] myself?
I don't care go ahead. - No, no. No, not at all.
You're more than welcome to come sooner, anytime you want.
- You know me long enough,
you'll tell me to go [bleep] myself.
- All right, I'll see ya here.
- See you soon. [Bleep] now. [laughs]
- Buh-bye. [line clicks]
She didn't have the same energy as Victor.
- You can either seat eight people in there
or you can put down all the backseats and have
plenty of space in the back. - Oh, wow.
You know about them backseats, huh?
- Well, I've--I've definitely traveled all over Alaska,
and, uh-- - And you definitely
let some backseats down.
You had sex with girls in backseats before, man.
Come on, man. You sound like a freak just like me.
\h- Let’s go to Al--They don’t know who Spoonie is in Alaska.
[line trills]
[trilling]
- Hello, this is [bleep] \h\hreturning your call.
How may I help you?
- Uh, yes, me and my wife \h\h\h\h\hjust got here.
We are two Black people \h\h\h\hfrom Brooklyn.
\h\hAnd we just got to this beautiful place in Alaska.
\h\h\hIt is incredible. We got here yesterday.
So we want to rent a car.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe want to make a baby in Alaska.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay. - We probably gonna have to
do it in the car, ’cause we want to do it in the woods.
\h\h\h- So if you’re looking at having enough space in the back
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto sleep-- - Oh, yeah, you got my--
You reading my mind, man. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h- [laughs]
So I have a premium SUV.
- Well, I’m a--I’m a well-endowed guy
so I’m gonna need some space. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Okay.
So yes, I have a premium SUV.
And you can either seat \height people in there
or you can put down \hall the backseats
and have plenty of space \h\h\h\h\h\hin the back.
- Oh wow. You know about them \h\h\h\h\h\h\hbackseats, huh?
- Well, I’ve--I’ve definitely \h\htraveled all over Alaska.
\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd, uh-- - And you definitely
let some backseats down.
\hYou had sex with girls in backseats before, man.
Come on, man.
You sound like a freak, \h\h\h\h\hjust like me.
- So how long were you looking \h\h\h\hat renting the vehicle?
You just need it for one day or--
\h\h\h- A few hours? A couple of minutes.
I’m--I--I--I’m not ashamed \hto say I’m a minute man.
Ten minutes, a minute, \h\hshe still love me.
\h\h- So you want to rent the vehicle for one day,
and the vehicle does \h\h\h\h\hcome with--
- Can I tell you something?
I was actually born in the same \hcar that I was conceived in.
\h- That’s impressive. - That’s crazy, right?
- Oh, yeah, that’s--
- My father didn’t get rid of the car.
Still had the stains all over the backseat
and everything, man.
\hYou know something else? My cousin, my first cousin,
\hhis name is Anthony, he was born in a tank.
\h\h\h\h\hA army tank. - That’s pretty crazy.
- My whole family was born and conceived in vehicles.
- Uh, that sounds pretty, \h\h\h\h\h\hpretty epic.
- Hey, could I ask you \h\h\h\h\h\ha question?
\h\h\h\h\h- Yes, sir. - If y’all find like
used condoms and stuff \h\hall over the place,
I won’t get sued, do I?
- Uh, you shouldn’t get sued. \hUm, I recommend taking out,
uh, the trash if there’s any \hextra trash in the vehicle.
- Could I ask you another question?
What is the shape of the gear \hshift, ’cause she’s freaky.
She gets very freaky.
- Sir, I can definitely \hrent you the vehicle,
um, but I won’t be able to \hcontinue the conversation
\hif it keeps going-- - You know something?
You know something?
My great-great grandfather \h\h\hwas born in a blimp.
He died ’cause he fell out \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthe blimp.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Um-- - Do you have tinted windows?
- The ones in the back of \h\h\h\hthe premium SUV?
- I don’t want the tinted \hwindows, ’cause I want
hitchhikers and animals \h\h\h\h\hto watch us.
- Okay, um, sir, \hI won’t be able
to continue the conversation
if it keeps going \hthis direction.
- D y’all have a unicycle?
- Uh, we do not currently \h\h\h\h\hrent unicycles.
- My aunt was born on \h\h\h\h\ha unicycle.
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[upbeat music]
- Look at that.
[singing] MTV