[touch tones beeping]
[phones ringing]
[upbeat music]
[children singing] Come one, come all
’Cause we’re having a ball
\h\h\hWe’re just making some calls to strangers
We’re back on the cell
And the world’s \h\hgone to hell
But you’re gonna \h\h\hfeel swell
When they pick up
From New York to Alabammer
\h\h\hThey’ll probably wanna throw our ass in the slammer
’Cause we’re disturbing others
Maybe even your mother
\h\h\h\h\h\hWon’t you join the Crank Yankers tonight?
[upbeat music]
- I got my date right here. Can you explain it to her?
[phone line trilling]
- [bleep] Hello, this is Madeline.
How can I help you?
- Hi, Madeline. This is Bobby Fletcher.
- What's up? How can I help you?
- Yeah. I went swimming there a few weeks back at your place.
And the water was really cold that day.
- Mm-hmm.
- And, I don't know how to explain this
without being inappropriate but my penis,
you know, got really small and hasn't come back yet.
- Mm-hmm. - From the cold water
from that day.
I went to my doctor and he's like--you know,
he even tried and it just won't come out again.
- Mm-hmm.
- So he's thinking maybe, you know, call you guys to see
if this has happened to other men that have gone there.
- No, I have never actually received a caller inquiry
about that before.
And none of our patrons have had that problem.
- Really? Well, maybe they didn't open up about it
'cause it is kind of embarrassing.
But doctor said maybe if you guys heat the water up,
you know, maybe it'll pop back out again if I go back.
I don't know if I should try that or. I'm not sure.
- I mean, the water's always kept at about 81 to 84 degrees,
and it doesn't really fluctuate outside of that range.
- Well, the day I was there was cold, I just know that.
I mean, you know, I usually have a problem
with shrinkage in cold water,
and it usually pops back.
- I'm not entirely sure, like, how to advice this situation
just because we don't have much manipulation
of the pool temperature, we leave how the water is.
- Look, it's always small but this is ridiculous.
I got a date over, and I'm supposed to go on a date.
I don't know what to do.
- As I said before we haven't got any calls like that.
- My date is right here.
Jill, would you be able to talk to her?
'Cause I don't know what to do. I'm panicking.
- Hello. - Hello.
- I'm on a date with this guy and, like, he's telling me
that his penis is normally bigger.
- Mm-hmm.
- Is there--do you guys have, like, video
or something of before when he came?
- I mean, our pool has a camera but there--
- 'Cause I honestly I'm not trying to date a liar again.
Because this is, like, the sixth time.
- Yeah, I completely understand.
I'm sorry. I don't have advice for the situation.
I'm not fit to give advice on this situation. So.
- I get it. It's fine. [trembling] Thanks.
- Yeah. - Yeah, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to put you in that situation,
just wanted to talk to you.
- That's fine.
- What did you say to her?
Did you say that don't worry about it?
- I just told her-- she just asked
if there's, like, videos, but like I said,
there's nothing really that we can go and do extra.
The best thing for you
is to continue to talk to medical advisors
and seek a better medical opinion.
- But you told her it's normal, right,
that I got a micro penis? Did you tell her it was normal?
- I'm sorry, sir, I can't.
- No. Well, I told you what happened.
It happened at your place.
I mean, it looks like a popcorn shrimp.
- Probably need to seek medical advice
instead of having to call our facility about that because--
- I already went to my doctor and he said
to call you guys back. That's why I called you.
- I'm not sure why he said for you to call us
because we're in no position
to be able to give any opinion on the case.
- But your pool, so it's your problem.
- I mean, it's not my pool.
I'm just an employee at this facility.
[pop]
You're never gonna believe this!
It just popped back out.
- Okay. - Holy shit.
I'm back, a full three inches.
- Well, I have to go rotate my coworkers. So.
- I'll call you tomorrow. I'll let you know what happens.
♪ ♪
She was good. She hang in there.
♪ ♪
[phone line trilling]
- [bleep] This is Nadia speaking.
- Hi, Ms. Nadia. My name is Shasta.
I would like to order a coffee pie with extra syrup, please.
- I think you have the wrong number.
- No, no, no, no. This is Pie Lattes, correct?
- Yes. - Okay, fantastic.
I would like to order the coffee pie
with extra syrup, the pie latte with--
- I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number.
- I don't have the wrong number.
I know what I Googled. I know what I called.
- I'm sorry. I don't understand what's going on. Is this--
- I want to order a coffee pie syrup.
Extra syrup please. I want my pie latte.
I would like my sugar on the side.
And I would like a key lime pie, please.
- Pilates is a fitness concept invented by Joe Pilates.
It's a fitness concept. We're a workout studio.
So I think you just might the wrong business. I'm sorry.
- That doesn't make no sense.
That's like me telling you that I work at a Baskin-Robbins
and then say, "No, it's not an ice cream place,
it's a stationary bike place."
That doesn't make sense.
- All right, have a great day.
- Hello?
[phone line trilling]
[phone ringing]
- [bleep]. This is Nadia speaking.
- Hey, Nadia.
I just spoke with you. I'm Shasta.
And I--I--I've been Googling this Joe Pilates guy
that you was talking to me about.
And it looks like he's really big on coffee.
- Ma'am, I don't understand what--
- I am going off your website.
It says Pie Lattes.
- It doesn't.
- I need pie and I need it inside a pie latte.
- What website are you on?
What's the address of the website that you're on?
- I will call Joe myself.
- Joe's dead.
- Girl, Joe ain't dead.
- Okay.
I don't understand this joke.
- You know what? Here's the joke.
You don't serve pie lattes. That's the joke.
You're wasting my time. How about that?
- You're calling me.
So I think you're the one wasting your own time.
- You know what? I'm gonna call corporate.
- Well, there is no corporate. I'm the manager.
So I don't know who you think--
- Baby, everybody have a manager
and also everybody have-- you know what?
Do you laugh at all your customers?
- This is a small independently owned business, sweetie.
This is not a chain.
- I get it. I'm going to Starbucks, sweetie.
How 'bout that?
- We don't have any food products here.
We have water. That's all.
- Then what the fuck do you do? Hmm?
- I sell a service,
and you clearly don't know that service is, which is fine.
- Then please--you know what?
You know what? I've been searching for pie lattes.
And now you're telling me you don't have pie lattes
when your place clearly says pie lattes.
Please, please, explain to me what your service is. Please.
- You may have misread the website,
and that's-- I completely understand.
But it does say Pilates. There's no E.
So it's not pie. That's okay.
- Then the least you can do is change the name
of your business to Pilates not what you think this is.
- All right. Well, you have a great evening.
I need to get back to work.
- Can I just get a turkey club?
[hangs up]
Nadia was a good sport.
- My name is Mike Tyson. I will stand outside
of your shop and bring customers in.
- No, thank you.
- Can you imagine being knocked out
inside of a flower shop by Mike Tyson?
- You cannot hit people in the face
when they walk out of a flower shop.
- But wouldn't it be funny?
- Let’s try to punch \h\h\hout publicity.
♪ ♪
[phone line trilling]
- Good afternoon. [bleep] Flowers.
\h\h\h\h\h- Hi, good morning. Good afternoon. How are you?
- I’m doing well. How are you?
- I’m doing wonderful, \h\h\h\h\h\hsweetheart.
But I’m calling you
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto give you guys a lifetime supply of customers.
My name is Mike Tyson. \hI will stand outside
\h\h\h\h\hof your shop and bring customers in.
- No, thank you.
- What do you mean, \h\hno, thank you?
- We’re good.
\h\h\h- Why would you say that? You don’t like me or something?
- I personally can’t \h\h\hmake the call.
My boss has to make that call.
- I-I really wanna explain \h\h\h\h\hto you what I do.
- Okay.
\h\h- I will stand outside your establishment, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- And when the people-- \h\h\h\hwhen the people
come to buy their flowers,
\h\h\h\h\hthey come in they get their flowers.
\h\h\hAs soon as they walk out I coldcock ’em, just punch them
\h\h\h\hright in the face and knock ’em clean out.
- Well, that’s illegal.
You can’t just punch people \h\h\h\h\h\h\hin the face.
- That will make ’em \h\hbuy more flowers.
- No, it won’t.
It’ll make ’em go away \h\hfrom our business.
- No, no, no. Can you imagine \h\h\h\h\h\hbeing knocked out
in front of a flower shop \h\h\h\h\hby Mike Tyson?
\h\h\h\h\hThis is something everybody looks forward to.
- Okay. So this is what \hI’ll do for you then.
Okay? This is what I’ll do \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor you then.
\h\h\h\hIf I can get your name and number I will write it down
and I will pass it on to my boss and I will let my boss
talk to you personally-- \h\h\h\h\h- You promise?
- She’s the one that makes \h\h\h\hthe decisions here.
I do not. I work under her.
- Listen, you can give this \h\h\h\h\h\h\hto your boss.
- Mm-hmm.
- Can you just imagine somebody \h\hcoming out of a flower shop
and just getting their teeth \hknocked out of their mouth?
- You cannot hit people \h\h\h\h\h\hin the face
when they walk out \hof a flower shop.
- But wouldn’t it be funny?
\h\h\h\h- This is Nicole with [bleep] Flower Shop.
My employee just told me \h\h\h\h\hthat you called
\h\h\h\h\hwanting to do some promotion for us.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes. I really think this promotion
will be spectacular \h\hfor your shop.
- And how are you gonna deal
\h\hwith the lawsuits and stuff like that?
\h- That’ll be on the police officers that try to stop me.
- Well, no, the lawsuits won’t \h\hbe on the police officers.
It will be fall on my business \h\h\h\h\h\hunder my insurance.
- No. I get sued all the time.
- Okay.
\h\hWell, I mean, if you think it’s something that we can do.
\h\h\h\hBut I mean, I can’t--I would have to sign some papers
saying that this is all on you,
that I am taking no part \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon this.
- But you’re gonna sell ’em \h\h\h\hthe flowers, right?
You sell ’em the flowers,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand we hold the competition worldwide.
- Okay. Well, may I ask
\h\h\h\h\hwhat other florist you have in this competition?
\h- I only thought of you guys. I heard you guys were the best.
- Okay.
- I’m just getting \hback into boxing,
and flowers are gonna be needed \h\h\hfor all of my opponents.
- Okay. Well, I do understand.
- You gotta give me the nod.
- If I give you anything that makes me legally responsible.
So I can’t give you anything.
However, if you choose to stand \h\hout there, that is on you.
- Will you have posters up \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hinside
where the customers can see?
- No. If you wanna do this
it would all have to be outside \h\hof the business not inside.
\h- Some of the customers I can bite their ear off.
- Okay, yes, sir.
Honestly, I don’t have time \h\h\h\h\hfor this anymore.
I am running two businesses \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand--
- Okay, how ’bout this.
\h\h\hOne bouquet of flowers with every tooth I punch out.
- Sir, I’m really being nice.
I do not have time for this right now.
- Can I get a discount \h\h\h\h\h\h\hon roses?
- A discount on roses? \h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell, I--
- I want, like, 27 dozen roses, \h\h\h\h\hall different colors.
- 27 dozen roses. Okay. \h\h\h\h\h\hAll right.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell, yeah, we can definitely help you out.
\h\h\h\h\hBut like I said, I am out of town for today.
\h\hBut I really appreciate you giving us a call and--
- Listen, I want you \h\hto do me a favor.
\h\hI want you to watch me on Pay-Per-View next week,
me against Hamster.
- Okay, I sure will.
- It’s a hamster named Craig. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yes, sir.
Well, good--I wish you the best \h\h\hin the fight. All right.
\h\h- I’m gonna punch his little guts out.
[video game music]
- I don’t have anything \h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor you.
\h\h\h\hDid you ever try one of these dating apps?
- Yeah. Well, I was on \h\hGonna Get You Some,
and I did not get me any.
\h\h\h\hI mean, I got me a few venereal diseases,
I’ll tell you that right now. I’m on medicine and I’m fine.
- That’s not good.
- I'm 5'11.
That's close to model tall, honey.
In heels I'm a sky scraper.
You know what I'm saying?
[phone line trilling]
- Yacht rentals. Can I help you?
- Hi. My name's Angela.
And I was calling about Yacht rentals for this weekend.
- Okay. How many people do you have in mind, Angela?
- Well, I'd like to get on a yacht with about 20 guys.
- Without food it's $5,495.
And with food it's $5,975.
- Okay, I'm just gonna shoot you straight
because you're a girl and you'll get it.
Are there guys that have rented yachts this weekend
because I would like to ride on their yacht.
I'd like to mete a man.
- Okay. We only do private events.
- Okay. But are there any guys that you know?
Any clients that you have
that are attractive or that are tall?
- No. - Or that have big feet?
- No.
- That you would recommend me kind of hanging out on the dock
and, you know, seeing if they invite me onboard.
You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah. I don't know.
I don't think--no. We don't do anything like that.
- What about, like, a bulletin board where I can post an ad
or bring flyers down to you that's like,
"Single girl looking for a yacht guy,"
You know, must be taller than four feet." That's it.
- I think you're talking more of a public thing
where people come on two at a time,
you know, two, four, six, a group.
But ours is like-- not like that.
- And I totally get that 'cause honey, I've done booze cruise.
I'm kinda booze cruising myself in my pad right now.
[laughs] Talk about Pinot!
But I've totally done the booze cruise life.
I've done a year of that.
And I just, you know, the guys--
- Yeah. - They're losers.
You know, they're just filthy losers.
- I got you.
- You know what I mean? So I'm trying to--
- I know. I do. I don't know if I can help you
with anything like that, honestly.
That's what I'm saying.
I don't think ours is the right venue for that.
- I get it. And I'm sure this is
the answer you have to give most people.
And I didn't wanna lead with this,
but I'm gonna throw it out there.
- All right.
- My cousin is Sebastian Bach of Skid Row.
Does that change things for you?
- I don't even know who that is.
- Oh, my God. You don't like hair bands?
Girl.
- No, I don't even.
- Poison, Motley Crue, Skid Row.
- No, it doesn't mean anything to me.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
Is that a show?
- No, it's a band, girl.
- No. I don't know.
- What about captains?
Boat captains that are, you know, if I can't get--
- No. They're all yucky.
- Why? What are they having sex on the boat with--
- I don't know.
They're just old in the industry.
- Old? Oh, old in the industry?
- I don't have anything for you.
Did you ever try one of these dating apps?
- Yeah. Well, I was on Gonna Get You Some.
And I did not get me any.
I mean, I got me a few venereal diseases
I'll tell you that right now.
I'm on medicine and I'm fine.
- That's not good.
- No, it's not. Have you ever had one?
- The only way to get anything on yachting right now
is going to Florida.
Right now yachting in New York is not.
It's not the time, it's not the thing.
So unless you go to Florida.
- Honey, I'm packing my bags right now.
What city in Florida?
Like, Key West or Orlando? Are there--
- No, no. - Or the Disney cruises?
- Go to, like, Palm Beach, over there.
Palm Beach or Fort Lauderdale. No, no, no.
Fort Lauderdale is the boating capital of the United States.
- Okay, do you wanna come? What's up?
What are you doing this weekend?
- No. [laughs] - What? Why not?
- But thank you for calling, I appreciate it. Bye.
- You told--thank you.
So sweet.
- Nicole has a weird phobia when it comes to butterflies.
- We could have her at the conservatory by herself.
- Yes.
- We do have people that don't realize
they have a phobia until they get in there.
- Oh. And then what happens?
Do they go crazy and go wild and stomp them?
- Terrence Catheter.
C-A-T-H-E-T-E-R.
[phone line trilling]
- Butterfly [bleep]. \h\hThis is [bleep].
\h\h\h\h\h\h- Hi, [bleep]. This is Terrence Catheter.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m calling, hopefully you can help me.
My client Nicole Kidman \h\h\h\h\his interested
\h\hin visiting your facility to be among the butterflies.
- Oh, very nice. \h\h\h- Yes, yes.
So here’s the thing.
Maybe you know this, \h\h\h\hI don’t know,
but Nicole has a weird phobia when it comes to butterflies.
She’s terrified of them. \h\h\h\h\h\h\hThey just--
- That happens. That happens.
- Yes. And so she wants \hto conquer that fear
because that’s the way she is.
And so what she would love \hto do is to be suspended
by a harness
to fly amongst the butterflies \h\h\h\hto be as one with them
and perhaps put an end \hto this silly phobia.
\h- Well, I don’t know about being suspended.
’Cause we are--we would not \hbe able to have anything
in the conservatory that would do that.
But before we open \h\hto the public,
I would definitely be able to take her on a VIP tour.
- Yes.
- We could have her in the conservatory
\hby herself kinda gently get through that phobia.
- Yes.
- We do have people that don’t realize
\h\h\hthey have a phobia until they get in there.
- Oh, and then what happens?
\h\h\h\h\hDo they go crazy and go wild and stomp them?
- Well, not stomp ’em but--
\h\h- Is there something that butterflies are attracted to
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike a nectar we could smear all over Nicole?
- Well, I don’t know if you wanna do that.
If she has a phobia, that’s not \h\hexactly the best way to go.
- What about a sweet flavored \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbody paint?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- You know, we have flowers in there.
We have fruits.
\h\h\hAnd we have fruit bowls that the butterflies are in.
- They have fruit bowls!
See, her therapist has told her
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto cocoon in preparation for this.
So we’ve rolled her up \h\h\h\h\hin a blanket,
and she’s just relaxing \h\h\h\h\h\hright now.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- What we wanna do is \hwhen Nicole enters
in her wings resplendent \h\h\h\h\has a butterfly,
we’d like everyone to just treat her like a butterfly.
\h\h\h- We have about 50 or 60 different species.
\h\hSo she would definitely be amongst the butterflies.
- Then maybe if she loves them \h\h\h\hwe can take some home.
- No. Actually, the butterflies that you see here are tropical.
So they come from Costa Rica, \hMalaysia, Thailand, Africa.
- The butterflies--Nicole.
\h\h\h\hNicole, the butterflies speak all different languages.
They’re from all \hover the world.
She just kinda moved a little. \h\hShe’s still in her cocoon.
But she--it seems like \h\h\hshe was nodding.
Oh, isn’t this so interesting.
Who would be afraid of such a--
I always make fun of her, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m like,
\h\h\h"These are the cutest most elegant little bugs."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAre they bugs? Would they be considered bugs?
\h\h- They are insects. Yes, they are insects.
- Yes, they are insects.
\h\hBut they are--they’re like insects at a ball or something.
- So did you have a date \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin mind
\h\h\h\hthat you were wanting to--it sounds
\hlike you’re on a tight timeline.
- Yeah, we’re just working \h\hon our shoot schedule.
But coming in before or after
would definitely be something \h\h\hwe’d be interested in.
- Well, one thing to keep \h\h\hin mind butterflies
are solar powered.
\hSo when the sun goes down they don’t fly, they sleep.
- What if we just clear all the customers out?
- We can’t do that, sir.
- Could we blindfold everyone?
Is there any way \hwe could just--
- No. No.
- She’s metamorphosizing \h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now.
Oh, it’s glorious.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s glorious. She’s emerging from her cocoon.
- So when you--yeah, when you decide on a date or if you--
- Nicole’s been through a lot,
\h\h\hand she just needs to get this one out of her, you know.
- Not a problem. Yeah.
\h\h\h\h\hAnd you said your name was Terrence?
- Terrence Catheter.
\h\h\h\h\h\hLike the tube you put in your urethra.
- Yes. Okay. \h\h\h- Yes.
It’s been such a pleasure.
I will be back talking \h\hto you soon, okay?
- Awesome. Thank you so much. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Wonderful.
\h\hKeith, Nicole, it’s gonna happen!
[phone hangs up]
[laughter]
[upbeat music]
- Look at that.
- MTV