1
00:00:05,366 --> 00:00:07,783
KIMMEL LIVE.
TONIGHT, NATALIE PORTMAN, AND

2
00:00:07,783 --> 00:00:11,772
NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL.

3
00:00:11,772 --> 00:00:14,175
>> Jimmy: HELLO. I'M JIMMY.
I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOW.

4
00:00:14,175 --> 00:00:17,836
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD WEEKEND.

5
00:00:17,836 --> 00:00:19,771
I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A NICE TIME
INFECTING THEIR FAMILY AND

6
00:00:19,771 --> 00:00:23,775
WATCHING THAT CHESS SHOW ON
NETFLIX. GUILLERMO, HOW WAS YOUR

7
00:00:23,775 --> 00:00:26,712
THANKSGIVING?

8
00:00:26,712 --> 00:00:28,213
>> MY THANKSGIVING WAS GREAT,
FANTASTIC.

9
00:00:28,213 --> 00:00:31,750
>> Jimmy: YOU DIDN'T POST
ANYTHING ON INSTAGRAM.

10
00:00:31,750 --> 00:00:35,787
>> NO, JIMMY.

11
00:00:35,787 --> 00:00:37,956
>> Jimmy: NO DRUNKEN TEXTS?

12
00:00:37,956 --> 00:00:42,194
>> NO, I BEHAVED.
DID YOU WATCH THE PARADE?

13
00:00:42,194 --> 00:00:43,729
>> I WAS BUSY HELPING MY WIFE
COOKING.

14
00:00:43,729 --> 00:00:45,230
EVERY YEAR ON THANKSGIVING, WHAT
I'M MOST THANKFUL FOR IS THAT I

15
00:00:45,230 --> 00:00:47,766
DON'T WORK FOR NBC WHERE THEY
FORCE YOU TO BE A PART OF THE

16
00:00:47,766 --> 00:00:52,838
THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.
IT'S, I MEAN, POOR AL ROKER.

17
00:00:52,838 --> 00:00:54,573
EVERY YEAR, "HEY LOOK, IT'S
GARFIELD."

18
00:00:54,573 --> 00:00:59,745
"OH, THE TELETUBBIES..."
WHEN I WAS A KID, MY DAD WOULD

19
00:00:59,745 --> 00:01:01,079
WAKE US UP.
EVERY THANKSGIVING, HE'D COME

20
00:01:01,079 --> 00:01:02,447
INTO OUR ROOMS.
THE ONLY TIME I EVER REMEMBER

21
00:01:02,447 --> 00:01:04,149
HIM COMING INTO MY ROOM, HE'D
COME IN AND SAY, "THE PARADE IS

22
00:01:04,149 --> 00:01:07,719
ON!"
AND WE'D BE LIKE, "WHO CARES?"

23
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:11,390
I HATE PARADES. ALWAYS HAVE.
TO ME, IT'S JUST TRAFFIC WITH

24
00:01:11,390 --> 00:01:15,727
BALLOONS.
BUT EVERY YEAR, MY FATHER WOULD

25
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:18,063
FORCE US OUT OF BED AT LIKE
6:30 IN THE MORNING TO WATCH IT.

26
00:01:18,063 --> 00:01:20,932
AND SO WHAT DID I DO ON THURSDAY?

27
00:01:20,932 --> 00:01:24,202
I GOT THE KIDS, I SAID "HEY! THE
PARADE IS ON!

28
00:01:24,202 --> 00:01:27,906
YOU'VE GOTTA WATCH IT!"
THEY WATCHED FOR ABOUT FOUR

29
00:01:27,906 --> 00:01:33,445
MINUTES.
THEY SAW CHASE FROM "PAW PATROL"

30
00:01:33,445 --> 00:01:38,016
AND SAID, "PUT ON PAW PATROL!"

31
00:01:38,016 --> 00:01:43,722
SO I WATCHED IT ALONE.
MACY'S DID THE PARADE A LITTLE

32
00:01:43,722 --> 00:01:47,859
BIT DIFFERENTLY THIS YEAR.
BECAUSE OF COVID, THEY COULDN'T

33
00:01:47,859 --> 00:01:49,861
HAVE THE USUAL AMOUNT OF PEOPLE
UNDER THE FLOATS.

34
00:01:49,861 --> 00:01:51,129
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HOLD THE ROPES
TO THE FLOATS, BUT THEY COULDN'T

35
00:01:51,129 --> 00:01:55,734
ASSEMBLE A GROUP OF PEOPLE, SO
THEY HAD TO FIND ONE GUY TO DO

36
00:01:55,734 --> 00:01:58,170
THIS.

37
00:01:58,170 --> 00:02:03,809
>>> THIS TROOP OF PICACHU,
DANCING TO THE CLASSIC POKEMON

38
00:02:03,809 --> 00:02:09,014
SONG.
AND HIGH ABOVE THE DANCER SHINES

39
00:02:09,014 --> 00:02:14,486
A BRIGHT SPOT IN THE SKY.
A LARGER VERSION, A AMBASSADOR

40
00:02:14,486 --> 00:02:18,557
OF THE POKEMON WORLD, WITH HIS
RED CAP ‐‐

41
00:02:18,557 --> 00:02:23,762
>> Jimmy: LOOK AT HIM POKEMON
GO. THEY FOUND HIM IN THE HUDSON

42
00:02:23,762 --> 00:02:26,031
RIVER. IT'S SAD.
IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T CHECKED YOUR

43
00:02:26,031 --> 00:02:27,365
EMAIL IN THE PAST 24 HOURS, YOU
SHOULD KNOW THAT TODAY IS "CYBER

44
00:02:27,365 --> 00:02:28,900
MONDAY."
THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR WE USE

45
00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:30,068
THE WORD "CYBER" ANYMORE.
DID WE REALLY NEED CYBER MONDAY

46
00:02:30,068 --> 00:02:32,070
THIS YEAR?
I'VE BEEN CAMPED OUT IN FRONT OF

47
00:02:32,070 --> 00:02:38,176
MY LAPTOP SINCE MARCH.
SPEAKING OF BUYING STUFF ONLINE,

48
00:02:38,176 --> 00:02:39,778
THIS IS FUNNY.
ONE OF OUR PRODUCERS,

49
00:02:39,778 --> 00:02:44,149
ERIN IRWIN, THERE'S ERIN DRESSED
AS BOBA FETT.

50
00:02:44,149 --> 00:02:48,186
ERIN AND HER HUSBAND DAVID HAVE
A FIVE‐YEAR‐OLD DAUGHTER NAMED

51
00:02:48,186 --> 00:02:50,155
CHARLIE.
WHO, UNBEKNOWNST TO THEM,

52
00:02:50,155 --> 00:02:53,258
ORDERED SOMETHING ON AMAZON,
USING THEIR ALEXA.

53
00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:58,764
ERIN, HOW DID THIS PLAY OUT?
A GIANT BOX SHOWS UP AT THE

54
00:02:58,764 --> 00:03:04,269
HOUSE, AND THIS IS WHAT WAS
INSIDE.

55
00:03:04,269 --> 00:03:08,640
>> I GOT HOME AND SHE SAID, I
BOUGHT SOMETHING TODAY.

56
00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:12,444
>> I SAID WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT AND I DIDN'T THINK SHE DID

57
00:03:12,444 --> 00:03:18,049
IT. A GIANT BOX SHOWS UP AT THE
HOUSE, AND THIS IS WHAT WAS

58
00:03:18,049 --> 00:03:22,187
INSIDE.
A SIX‐FOOT‐STUFFED RASTA MONKEY

59
00:03:22,187 --> 00:03:28,460
WITH A BANANA FOR A BODY.
AND HOW MUCH WAS THIS?

60
00:03:28,460 --> 00:03:32,731
>> WELL, SHE SAID THAT IT COST
197, AND I WAS LIKE, WELL, I

61
00:03:32,731 --> 00:03:38,336
GUESS IF SHE DID IT, IT WAS ONLY
$1.97, IT WAS $197.

62
00:03:38,336 --> 00:03:41,106
>> Jimmy: THEY LOOKED UP THE
TRANSCRIPT OF CHARLIE'S

63
00:03:41,106 --> 00:03:45,177
CONVERSATION WITH ALEXA.
YOU GAVE THIS TO US.

64
00:03:45,177 --> 00:03:47,746
THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID.
"ALEXA, COULD YOU PLEASE ORDER

65
00:03:47,746 --> 00:03:50,682
THE BANANA TOYS?"
WHICH BY THE WAY,

66
00:03:50,682 --> 00:03:54,452
THAT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT WORSE.

67
00:03:54,452 --> 00:03:55,720
>> THAT'S TRUE.
"ALEXA, BUY IT NOW."

68
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,724
"ALEXA, COULD YOU BUY IT NOW?"
"ALEXA, BUY IT NOW."

69
00:03:59,724 --> 00:04:02,127
"ALEXA, WHEN IS MY SQUISHY
PILLOW GONNA BE COMING?"

70
00:04:02,127 --> 00:04:06,898
"ALEXA, WHEN IS MY BLUSH BLUSH
BLUSH SQUISHY PILLOW GONNA COME."

71
00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:08,133
"ALEXA, MY NAME IS CHARLIE."
"ALEXA, WHAT DO YOU WANNA TALK

72
00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:11,436
ABOUT?"
"ALEXA, ARE THERE MORE BOYS OR

73
00:04:11,436 --> 00:04:14,206
ARE THERE MORE GIRLS IN THE
WORLD?"

74
00:04:14,206 --> 00:04:15,774
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE CHARLIE WANTS

75
00:04:15,774 --> 00:04:23,648
YOU TO HAVE ANOTHER KID.

76
00:04:23,648 --> 00:04:27,586
ARE YOU RETURNING THE RASTA
BANANA OR KEEPING IT?

77
00:04:27,586 --> 00:04:33,024
>> I WOULD LOVE TO RETURN IT AND
I WANT IT OUT OF MY HOUSE, BUT

78
00:04:33,024 --> 00:04:33,725
SHE IS MADLY IN LOVE WITH IT.

79
00:04:33,725 --> 00:04:35,961
>> Jimmy: IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE
ON THEIR HONEYMOON.

80
00:04:35,961 --> 00:04:39,731
CHARLIE IS A GENIUS.
SHE FIGURED OUT HOW TO CUT SANTA

81
00:04:39,731 --> 00:04:42,968
CLAUS OUT OF THE LOOP.
SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE BE NICE

82
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:43,802
THIS YEAR.
DID CHARLIE ORDER THE TYSON

83
00:04:43,802 --> 00:04:47,806
FIGHT ON PAY PER VIEW THIS
WEEKEND TOO?

84
00:04:47,806 --> 00:04:48,773
>> I THINK SO, YEAH.

85
00:04:48,773 --> 00:04:50,609
>> Jimmy: DID YOU WATCH IT,
GUILLERMO?

86
00:04:50,609 --> 00:04:50,942
>> I DID.

87
00:04:50,942 --> 00:04:52,043
>> Jimmy: ON SATURDAY NIGHT,
MIKE TYSON, AFTER 15 YEARS,

88
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:55,780
RETURNED TO THE RING TO FIGHT
FELLOW RETIREE ROY JONES JR.

89
00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:57,482
THE FIGHT WENT EIGHT ROUNDS.
THE JUDGES CALLED IT A DRAW.

90
00:04:57,482 --> 00:05:03,521
IT WAS NOT A DRAW, NOT EVEN
CLOSE. TYSON WON EVERY ROUND.

91
00:05:03,521 --> 00:05:05,523
>> EVERY ROUND, JIMMY.

92
00:05:05,523 --> 00:05:12,464
>> Jimmy: BUT THEY CALLED IT A
DRAW, AND MIKE

93
00:05:12,464 --> 00:05:16,134
POT BEFORE THE FIGHT DIDN'T SEEM
TO MIND AT ALL.

94
00:05:16,134 --> 00:05:20,205
>> FORMER CHAMPIONS, IT'S A
DRAW.

95
00:05:20,205 --> 00:05:22,240
MR. TYSON, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
THAT?

96
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,576
>> I'M GOOD WITH THAT.

97
00:05:24,576 --> 00:05:25,477
>> YOU THINK YOU WON THE FIGHT?

98
00:05:25,477 --> 00:05:28,179
>> YEAH, BUT I'M GOOD WITH A
DRAW.

99
00:05:28,179 --> 00:05:28,512
>> WHY?

100
00:05:28,512 --> 00:05:29,881
>> BECAUSE I ENTERTAINED THE
CROWD, THE PROUD WAS HAPPY WITH

101
00:05:29,881 --> 00:05:30,246
IT.

102
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:32,484
>> Jimmy: WHO IS THIS PERSON
DISGUISED AS MIKE TYSON?

103
00:05:32,484 --> 00:05:35,921
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUY WHO
SAID HE'D EAT YOUR CHILDREN?

104
00:05:35,921 --> 00:05:39,724
AND BIT OFF TWO EARS!
I GUESS THIS MARIJUANA REALLY

105
00:05:39,724 --> 00:05:41,026
WORKS.
EVEN HALF‐BAKED, TYSON LOOKED

106
00:05:41,026 --> 00:05:44,362
PRETTY GOOD.
ROY JONES WAS HANGING ON TO HIM

107
00:05:44,362 --> 00:05:47,766
FOR DEAR LIFE.
IT FELT LESS LIKE A FIGHT, AND

108
00:05:47,766 --> 00:05:50,035
MORE LIKE TWO OLD FRIENDS SEEING
EACH OTHER SHORTLY AFTER GETTING

109
00:05:50,035 --> 00:05:53,905
THE VACCINE.
THEY ARE JUST LIKE HANGING ON

110
00:05:53,905 --> 00:05:55,140
EACH OTHER.
EVEN THOUGH JONES HAS ONLY BEEN

111
00:05:55,140 --> 00:05:58,109
RETIRED FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS,
TYSON WAS THE HEAVY FAVORITE.

112
00:05:58,109 --> 00:06:02,480
SOME EVEN WORRIED JONES MIGHT
GET SERIOUSLY HURT.

113
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:05,684
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE WERE AFRAID,
ROY, YOU MIGHT GET HURT TONIGHT.

114
00:06:05,684 --> 00:06:08,620
WERE YOU REALLY AFRAID IN THE
BACK OF YOUR HEAD THAT SOMETHING

115
00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:10,422
COULD HAPPEN THAT COULD PUT YOU
IN PERIL.

116
00:06:10,422 --> 00:06:12,657
>> I WAS AFRAID I MAY GET HIT.

117
00:06:12,657 --> 00:06:19,731
>> I DIDN'T FIGHT FOR 20 YEARS
AND HE HAS NOT FOUGHT IN THREE

118
00:06:19,731 --> 00:06:20,565
YEARS.
WHY NOBODY CARE ABOUT MY ASS.

119
00:06:20,565 --> 00:06:21,533
>>

120
00:06:21,533 --> 00:06:22,667
>> Jimmy: WELL.
LET ME SAY IT HERE AND NOW.

121
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:25,770
I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT MIKE TYSON'S
ASS. STILL THE BEST.

122
00:06:25,770 --> 00:06:27,305
NOBODY BETTER.
YESTERDAY, THE DENVER BRONCOS

123
00:06:27,305 --> 00:06:29,274
HAD TO PLAY WITHOUT A
QUARTERBACK.

124
00:06:29,274 --> 00:06:31,509
ALL FOUR OF THEIR QBS WERE ON
THE COVID NO‐PLAY LIST.

125
00:06:31,509 --> 00:06:33,578
BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL TOGETHER
WITH NO MASKS.

126
00:06:33,578 --> 00:06:38,650
WHAT HAPPENED WAS, THEY GOT
TOGETHER FOR WHAT WAS SUPPOSED

127
00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:43,421
TO BE A QUICK, SOCIALLY
DISTANCED STRATEGY SESSION, THEN

128
00:06:43,421 --> 00:06:46,091
SOMEONE TURNED ON "THE CROWN."
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, IT'S

129
00:06:46,091 --> 00:06:50,695
12 HOURS AND THREE BOXES OF PINK
ZINFANDEL LATER.

130
00:06:50,695 --> 00:06:52,430
THEY'RE ALL INELIGIBLE TO PLAY.
THEY HAD TO BRING IN A ROOKIE

131
00:06:52,430 --> 00:06:56,301
RECEIVER TO PLAY QUARTERBACK.
IT WAS LIKE A SCENE FROM "RUDY."

132
00:06:56,301 --> 00:07:01,706
EXCEPT IN THIS ONE, RUDY'S TEAM
LOST. BADLY.

133
00:07:01,706 --> 00:07:02,841
AND RUDY WAS TERRIBLE.
THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME THEY

134
00:07:02,841 --> 00:07:07,045
ASKED "ARE YOU READY FOR SOME
FOOTBALL?"

135
00:07:07,045 --> 00:07:08,146
AND THE ANSWER WAS "MAYBE NOT?"
I DON'T THINK WE ARE.

136
00:07:08,146 --> 00:07:12,183
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS ON THE
INJURED RESERVE LIST? JOE BIDEN.

137
00:07:12,183 --> 00:07:14,786
THE PRESIDENT‐ELECT TOOK A
TUMBLE THIS WEEKEND.

138
00:07:14,786 --> 00:07:17,522
HERE HE IS HOBBLING OUT OF A
DELAWARE CLINIC LAST NIGHT.

139
00:07:17,522 --> 00:07:20,892
BIDEN SUFFERED HAIRLINE
FRACTURES IN HIS RIGHT FOOT.

140
00:07:20,892 --> 00:07:26,297
EVEN THE EVENTFUL THINGS THAT
HAPPEN TO JOE BIDEN ARE

141
00:07:26,297 --> 00:07:28,533
UNEVENTFUL.
APPARENTLY, HE SLIPPED AND FELL

142
00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:32,303
WHILE PLAYING WITH MAJOR, HIS
DOG. THE PENTAGON TODAY ANNOUNCED

143
00:07:32,303 --> 00:07:35,774
THAT MAJOR HAS BEEN DEMOTED TO
"CAPTAIN."

144
00:07:35,774 --> 00:07:38,343
BIDEN WILL MOST LIKELY HAVE TO
WEAR AN ORTHOPEDIC BOOT FOR A

145
00:07:38,343 --> 00:07:39,611
FEW WEEKS.
SO IN A WAY, TRUMP AND BIDEN

146
00:07:39,611 --> 00:07:44,249
BOTH GOT THE BOOT THIS MONTH.
BLOATUS WEIGHED IN ON BIDEN'S

147
00:07:44,249 --> 00:07:47,719
INJURY LAST NIGHT.
HE WROTE, "GET WELL SOON!"

148
00:07:47,719 --> 00:07:54,659
HE'S JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE BIDEN
HAS A DOG AND ALL HE HAS IS

149
00:07:54,659 --> 00:07:56,928
MIKE PENCE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE TRUMP HAVING A

150
00:07:56,928 --> 00:08:03,101
DOG? I CAN'T PICTURE HIM FEEDING
ANYONE ELSE.

151
00:08:03,101 --> 00:08:06,471
THE CLOSEST TRUMP GETS TO THAT
IS WHEN HE FEEDS GIULIANI A

152
00:08:06,471 --> 00:08:11,876
BUCKET OF FROZEN MICE.
MEANWHILE, THIS IS HOW THE LAME

153
00:08:11,876 --> 00:08:15,146
DUCK CHOSE TO SPEND HIS FINAL
THANKSGIVING AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

154
00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:18,850
HE THREW A WORLD‐CLASS TRUMPER
TANTRUM FROM BEHIND A TINY

155
00:08:18,850 --> 00:08:25,323
LITTLE DESK.
DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME THE

156
00:08:25,323 --> 00:08:28,226
‐‐ IF THEY DO.
THEY MADE A MISTAKE.

157
00:08:28,226 --> 00:08:31,529
BECAUSE THIS ELECTION WAS A
FRAUD. JUST SAY YOU UNDERSTAND.

158
00:08:31,529 --> 00:08:35,600
THIS ELECTION WAS A FRAUD.
SO, NO, I CAN'T SAY THAT AT ALL.

159
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:39,971
I THINK IT'S A POSSIBILITY, THEY
ARE TRYING TO ‐‐ LOOK, BETWEEN

160
00:08:39,971 --> 00:08:43,408
YOU PEOPLE, DON'T TALK TO ME
THAT WAY.

161
00:08:43,408 --> 00:08:47,278
YOU JUST ARE A LIGHT WEIGHT,
DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY.

162
00:08:47,278 --> 00:08:48,146
I'M THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.

163
00:08:48,146 --> 00:08:49,047
DON'T EVER TALK TO THE PRESIDENT
THAT WAY.

164
00:08:49,047 --> 00:08:51,783
DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME THE
WAY I SPEAK TO EVERYONE ELSE!

165
00:08:51,783 --> 00:08:54,853
SITTING AT A LITTLE BABY DESK
SCREAMING, "YOU CAN'T TALK TO

166
00:08:54,853 --> 00:08:57,155
THE PRESIDENT THAT WAY!"
IS EXACTLY HOW I WANT TO

167
00:08:57,155 --> 00:09:04,429
REMEMBER THIS PRESIDENT.
THIS DESK HE WAS SITTING AT HAS

168
00:09:04,429 --> 00:09:05,964
BEEN USED BY MANY PRESIDENTS TO
SIGN BILLS, BUT USUALLY THEY'RE

169
00:09:05,964 --> 00:09:09,134
SURROUNDED BY A GROUP OF PEOPLE,
SO YOU DON'T NOTICE HOW LITTLE

170
00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:11,803
IT IS.
IT LOOKED LIKE HE WENT BACK TO

171
00:09:11,803 --> 00:09:15,140
VISIT HIS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
THE LAST TIME I WAS AT A DESK

172
00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:16,908
LIKE THAT, I HAD MY HEAD DOWN
AND WE WERE PLAYING 7‐UP.

173
00:09:16,908 --> 00:09:20,211
SMALL HANDS ON DESK!
THE FUTURE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS

174
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:24,415
ALSO ASKED ABOUT HIS PLAN FOR
HIS LAST TURKEY DAY IN THE WHITE

175
00:09:24,415 --> 00:09:27,485
HOUSE, AND THAT WENT ABOUT AS
WELL AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT.

176
00:09:27,485 --> 00:09:30,088
>> MR. PRESIDENT, DO YOU HAVE
PLANS FOR YOUR LAST THANKSGIVING

177
00:09:30,088 --> 00:09:30,855
IN THE WHITE HOUSE?

178
00:09:30,855 --> 00:09:34,592
>> WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IS LAST,
IF YOU LOOK AT WHAT'S GOING ON.

179
00:09:34,592 --> 00:09:37,362
YOU HAVE TO REALLY TAKE A LOOK
AT WHAT'S GOING ON.

180
00:09:37,362 --> 00:09:41,266
AND THEY ARE FINDING TREMENDOUS
DISCREPANCIES IN THE VOTES AND

181
00:09:41,266 --> 00:09:45,069
NOBODY BELIEVES THOSE NUMBERS.
THOSE NUMBERS ARE INCORRECT

182
00:09:45,069 --> 00:09:47,572
NUMBERS.
SO, I CAN'T SAY WHAT'S FIRST AND

183
00:09:47,572 --> 00:09:52,243
WHAT'S LAST IN TERMS OF IS THIS
THE LAST 1 OR IS THIS THE FIRST

184
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:54,379
ONE OF A SECOND TERM.
WE WILL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

185
00:09:54,379 --> 00:09:55,747
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENS.
NEXT THANKSGIVING, YOU WILL BE

186
00:09:55,747 --> 00:10:02,053
AT MAR‐A‐LAGO STILL SCREAMING
ABOUT THE ELECTION AND EATING

187
00:10:02,053 --> 00:10:03,721
CREAMED SPINACH ALONE.
WE ARE NOW ON DAY 27 OF

188
00:10:03,721 --> 00:10:07,725
SQUATTERGATE.
TRUMP STILL HAS NOT MADE A

189
00:10:07,725 --> 00:10:09,527
CONCESSION SPEECH, HE CONTINUES
TO DISPUTE THE RESULTS OF THE

190
00:10:09,527 --> 00:10:12,130
ELECTION.
LAST NIGHT, HE WROTE, "NO WAY WE

191
00:10:12,130 --> 00:10:15,934
LOST THIS ELECTION."
WE MIGHT TO HAVE TO FILE A

192
00:10:15,934 --> 00:10:18,436
RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST HIM.
TRUMP GAVE HIS FIRST

193
00:10:18,436 --> 00:10:21,239
POST‐ELECTION INTERVIEW
YESTERDAY. HE CALLED INTO THE

194
00:10:21,239 --> 00:10:25,410
ALWAYS‐SYCOPHANTIC
MARIA BARTIROMO'S SHOW YESTERDAY

195
00:10:25,410 --> 00:10:29,948
TO MAKE A CORNUCOPIA OF
UNCHALLENGED FALSE CLAIMS.

196
00:10:29,948 --> 00:10:35,720
>>> I WAS CALLED BY THE BIGGEST
PEOPLE SAYING CONGRATULATIONS,

197
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,622
POLITICAL PEOPLE.
CONGRATULATIONS, SIR, YOU JUST

198
00:10:37,622 --> 00:10:40,792
WON THE ELECTION.
IT WAS 10:00 AND YOU LOOKED AT

199
00:10:40,792 --> 00:10:43,061
THE NUMBERS AND I'M SURE YOU
FELT THAT WAY.

200
00:10:43,061 --> 00:10:45,530
THIS ELECTION WAS OVER AND THEN
THEY DID DUMPS.

201
00:10:45,530 --> 00:10:50,468
THEY CALL THEM DUMPS.
BIG MASSIVE DUMPS IN MICHIGAN,

202
00:10:50,468 --> 00:10:52,870
AND IN PENNSYLVANIA, AND ALL
OVER.

203
00:10:52,870 --> 00:10:55,840
>> Jimmy: WHEN YOU GET TO HIS
AGE, A LOT OF THE CONVERSATION

204
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,910
IS ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR DUMPS.
MARIA BARTIROMO BY THE WAY ‐‐

205
00:10:58,910 --> 00:11:02,013
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO
HER, BUT SHE APPEARS TO BE

206
00:11:02,013 --> 00:11:06,818
AUDITIONING FOR THE POSITION OF
DONALD TRUMP'S NEXT WIFE.

207
00:11:06,818 --> 00:11:09,487
THIS IS INTERESTING.
ACCORDING TO NBC NEWS, TRUMP

208
00:11:09,487 --> 00:11:13,558
UNDERPERFORMED IN 25 OUT OF THE
30 COUNTIES WHERE HE HELD

209
00:11:13,558 --> 00:11:18,196
RALLIES BEFORE THE ELECTION.
HE DID WORSE IN THOSE COUNTIES

210
00:11:18,196 --> 00:11:20,365
THAN HE DID IN 2016.
I GUESS TELLING A GROUP OF

211
00:11:20,365 --> 00:11:22,133
PEOPLE WHO ARE FREEZING THEIR
NUTS OFF THAT YOUR OPPONENT WILL

212
00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:23,768
TAKE AWAY THEIR AIR CONDITIONING
DIDN'T RALLY THE BASE LIKE HE

213
00:11:23,768 --> 00:11:28,139
HOPED.
THE STATE OF ARIZONA CERTIFIED A

214
00:11:28,139 --> 00:11:31,209
WIN FOR JOE BIDEN TODAY.
THEY ALSO FINISHED THE RECOUNT

215
00:11:31,209 --> 00:11:34,212
IN WISCONSIN.
THE RECOUNT IN WISCONSIN COST

216
00:11:34,212 --> 00:11:36,614
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN THREE MILLION
DOLLARS, AND THE RESULT OF THAT

217
00:11:36,614 --> 00:11:43,421
RECOUNT WAS BIDEN PICKED UP
87 MORE VOTES. MONEY WELL SPENT.

218
00:11:43,421 --> 00:11:47,358
NO SITTING PRESIDENT HAS EVER
LOST ONE ELECTION SO MANY TIMES.

219
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:51,529
BUT TRUMP COULD BE COMING BACK
FOR MORE.

220
00:11:51,529 --> 00:11:54,632
NOT ONLY IS HE REPORTEDLY
PLANNING TO RUN AGAIN IN 2024,

221
00:11:54,632 --> 00:11:59,437
HE IS FLOATING THE IDEA OF
LAUNCHING HIS CAMPAIGN DURING

222
00:11:59,437 --> 00:12:00,538
JOE BIDEN'S INAUGURATION WEEK.
BECAUSE OF COURSE HE IS.

223
00:12:00,538 --> 00:12:06,878
I THINK HE SHOULD DO IT AT
BIDEN'S INAUGURATION.

224
00:12:06,878 --> 00:12:09,681
RUN UP, GRAB THE MIC, AND
COMPLETE HIS TRANSFORMATION INTO

225
00:12:09,681 --> 00:12:13,484
FULL ORANGE KANYE.
MELANIA TRUMP TODAY UNVEILED THE

226
00:12:13,484 --> 00:12:15,620
ANNUAL WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS
DECORATIONS.

227
00:12:15,620 --> 00:12:18,723
SHE WROTE, "DURING THIS SPECIAL
TIME OF THE YEAR, I AM DELIGHTED

228
00:12:18,723 --> 00:12:20,458
TO SHARE "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL"
AND PAY TRIBUTE TO THE MAJESTY

229
00:12:20,458 --> 00:12:24,262
OF OUR GREAT NATION.
TOGETHER, WE CELEBRATE THIS LAND

230
00:12:24,262 --> 00:12:27,699
WE ARE ALL PROUD TO CALL HOME."
WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE ONE OF THE

231
00:12:27,699 --> 00:12:31,736
STORIES THAT GOT BURIED WHEN
TRUMP'S TAX RETURNS CAME OUT

232
00:12:31,736 --> 00:12:33,805
WERE THE TAPES OF MELANIA SAYING
SHE HATES DOING CHRISTMAS AT THE

233
00:12:33,805 --> 00:12:39,577
WHITE HOUSE.
BUT NOW, SHE LOVES IT.

234
00:12:39,577 --> 00:12:43,781
THIS IS A VIDEO THE FIRST LADY
PUT OUT TODAY, PUTTING HER BE

235
00:12:43,781 --> 00:12:51,889
BEST FOOT FORWARD.

236
00:12:51,889 --> 00:12:52,222
>>>.

237
00:12:52,222 --> 00:12:59,230
♪

238
00:12:59,230 --> 00:13:10,208
♪

239
00:13:10,208 --> 00:13:14,011
>> Jimmy: AT LEAST SHE'S HAVING
FUN WITH IT.

240
00:13:14,011 --> 00:13:15,713
MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT.
MELANIA TRUMP IS NOT ENTHUSED

241
00:13:15,713 --> 00:13:19,083
ABOUT BEING IN CHARGE OF
CHRISTMAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

242
00:13:19,083 --> 00:13:21,719
IN THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS, SHE IS
GENERAL LEE.

243
00:13:21,719 --> 00:13:24,355
BUT THERE'S AN OLD TRUMP FAMILY
SAYING THAT GOES NOTHING WE SAY

244
00:13:24,355 --> 00:13:31,729
IS TRUE, SO WE MIGHT AS WELL
FIND A WAY TO MAKE MONEY OFF IT.

245
00:13:31,729 --> 00:13:34,265
>>> CHRISTMAS IS COMING.
THE SLEIGH BELLS ARE RINGING AND

246
00:13:34,265 --> 00:13:36,567
THE FIRST LADY HATES EVERY BIT
OF IT.

247
00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:41,706
NOW YOU CAN EXPERIENCE THE ANGST
AND FURY OF A WHITE HOUSE

248
00:13:41,706 --> 00:13:47,879
CHRISTMAS, WITH A NEW HOLIDAY
ALBUM, WITH THE MELANIA TRUMP ‐‐

249
00:13:47,879 --> 00:13:52,984
ALL THE HITS ON ONE DISK.
WITH CLASSICS LIKE ‐‐ THE HALLS.

250
00:13:52,984 --> 00:13:57,722
THE 12 DAYS OF ALL THESE ‐‐.
WHO CARES THAT SANTA CLAUS IS

251
00:13:57,722 --> 00:14:00,391
COMING TO ON TOWN AND MORE.
WHETHER YOU ARE IN THE MOOD OR

252
00:14:00,391 --> 00:14:00,756
NOT.

253
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:02,994
>> I'M WORKING MY ASS OFF ON
THIS CHRISTMAS STUFF.

254
00:14:02,994 --> 00:14:03,394
>> I KNOW.

255
00:14:03,394 --> 00:14:06,297
>> YOU ARE GOING TO APPRECIATE
IT, DAMN IT.

256
00:14:06,297 --> 00:14:12,270
WITH TIMELESS CARROLS LIKE, IF I
HEAR ONE MORE BELL ON CHRISTMAS

257
00:14:12,270 --> 00:14:15,740
DAY. WHAT CHILD IS THIS?
NO ONE ASKS OBAMA.

258
00:14:15,740 --> 00:14:21,979
AND OF COURSE, THE ALL‐TIME
HOLIDAY CLASSIC, I SAW DADDY

259
00:14:21,979 --> 00:14:26,184
HUMPING STORMY CLAUS.
THIS YEAR, IT'S A MERRY ‐‐

260
00:14:26,184 --> 00:14:29,720
CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS AND
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT GIVE ME

261
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:35,726
A ‐‐ BREAK.
MELANIA TRUMP'S WHO GIVES A ‐‐

262
00:14:35,726 --> 00:14:39,664
ABOUT CHRISTMAS.
AVAILABLE WHERE PUMPKIN PIES ARE

263
00:14:39,664 --> 00:14:40,029
SOLD.

264
00:14:40,029 --> 00:14:41,599
>> Jimmy:
MOVE OVER, MARIAH!

265
00:14:41,599 --> 00:14:43,801
WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

266
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:45,503
CHEF DAVID CHANG IS HERE.
WE'VE GOT MUSIC FROM

267
00:14:45,503 --> 00:14:46,604
RUSSELL DICKERSON.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

268
00:14:46,604 --> 00:14:47,738
NATALIE PORTMAN.

269
00:14:57,568 --> 00:14:59,383
♪

270
00:14:59,383 --> 00:15:03,566
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK.
TONIGHT, A GREAT CHEF, A GOOD

271
00:15:03,566 --> 00:15:06,636
MAN, AND THE FIRST CELEBRITY TO
ACTUALLY WIN A MILLION DOLLARS

272
00:15:06,636 --> 00:15:08,704
ON "WHO WANTS TO BE A
MILLIONAIRE?"

273
00:15:08,704 --> 00:15:13,709
DAVID CHANG IS HERE.
AND LATER, HIS ALBUM IS CALLED

274
00:15:13,709 --> 00:15:16,679
"SOUTHERN SYMPHONY."
MUSIC FROM RUSSELL DICKERSON.

275
00:15:16,679 --> 00:15:24,086
LATER THIS WEEK, WE'VE GOT NEW
SHOWS WITH GEORGE CLOONEY,

276
00:15:24,086 --> 00:15:25,888
ZENDAYA, RITA WILSON,
AMANDA SEYFRED, DIEGO LUNA,

277
00:15:25,888 --> 00:15:33,429
JOHN MULANEY, AND WE'LL HAVE
MUSIC FROM TONES AND I,

278
00:15:33,429 --> 00:15:41,103
DEVON GILFILLIAN, AND PARIS
JACKSON. DAUGHTER OF MICHAEL.

279
00:15:41,103 --> 00:15:44,307
WHO IS VERY TALENTED.
OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN

280
00:15:44,307 --> 00:15:48,644
OSCAR‐WINNING ACTOR, A DIRECTOR,
PRODUCER, ACTIVIST, THUNDER

281
00:15:48,644 --> 00:15:51,080
GODDESS, AND NOW BEST‐SELLING
CHILDREN'S BOOK AUTHOR.

282
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,549
"NATALIE PORTMAN'S FABLES" IS
AVAILABLE NOW.

283
00:15:53,549 --> 00:15:56,953
PLEASE SAY HELLO TO
NATALIE PORTMAN.

284
00:15:56,953 --> 00:15:59,222
>>> HI, NATALIE.

285
00:15:59,222 --> 00:16:03,426
>> HELLO. HELD HAD OH.
HOW ARE YOU?

286
00:16:03,426 --> 00:16:05,962
>> Jimmy: I'M GOOD.
YOU ARE VERY FAR AWAY FROM US.

287
00:16:05,962 --> 00:16:06,496
AREN'T YOU?

288
00:16:06,496 --> 00:16:08,764
>> I AM, I'M DOWN UNDER.

289
00:16:08,764 --> 00:16:10,032
>> Jimmy: YEAH.

290
00:16:10,032 --> 00:16:10,666
>> AUSTRALIA.

291
00:16:10,666 --> 00:16:14,170
>> Jimmy: LIKE, WHAT TIME IS IT
THERE, NOW?

292
00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:16,906
>> IT'S NOON ON TUESDAY.

293
00:16:16,906 --> 00:16:18,307
>> Jimmy: OH. IT'S ‐‐

294
00:16:18,307 --> 00:16:19,275
>> WE ARE IN DECEMBER HERE.

295
00:16:19,275 --> 00:16:22,745
>> Jimmy: OH, WOW.
WHAT'S DECEMBER GOING TO BE LIKE?

296
00:16:22,745 --> 00:16:24,847
GIVE US A PREVIEW.

297
00:16:24,847 --> 00:16:26,549
>> SUMMER IS STARTING, GUYS.

298
00:16:26,549 --> 00:16:28,985
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT WILL.
IT'S THE OPPOSITE SEASON WISE

299
00:16:28,985 --> 00:16:32,722
OVER THERE.
WELL, IT STILL FEELS LIKE SUMMER

300
00:16:32,722 --> 00:16:35,324
HERE REALLY.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN

301
00:16:35,324 --> 00:16:35,657
AUSTRALIA?

302
00:16:35,657 --> 00:16:37,894
>> I HAVE BEEN HERE A FEW
MONTHS, YEAH, AND I'M GOING TO

303
00:16:37,894 --> 00:16:42,098
BE HERE FOR A FEW MORE MONTHS
FOR THOR.

304
00:16:42,098 --> 00:16:45,334
>> Jimmy: YOU ARE PREPARING TO
SHOOT THOR, DO YOU KNOW

305
00:16:45,334 --> 00:16:48,437
EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING IN
MOVIE ALREADY?

306
00:16:48,437 --> 00:16:49,238
>> NO.

307
00:16:49,238 --> 00:16:49,672
>> Jimmy: YOU DON'T?

308
00:16:49,672 --> 00:16:55,645
>> NO, NO, VERY LITTLE.
BUT JUST YOU KNOW, TRYING TO

309
00:16:55,645 --> 00:16:59,916
TRAIN, HOOK LIKE A ACTION FIGURE
AT SOME POINT. HOPEFULLY.

310
00:16:59,916 --> 00:17:05,054
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW THAT IN THE
COMICS YOUR CHARACTER, JANE

311
00:17:05,054 --> 00:17:09,058
FOSTER, BECOMES THOR, SHE TAKES
ON THE POWERS OF THOR ANDTHE

312
00:17:09,058 --> 00:17:12,562
HAMMER AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT.
WILL YOU, DO YOU KNOW ‐‐ I KNOW

313
00:17:12,562 --> 00:17:14,697
YOU CAN'T SAY, DO YOU KNOW ‐‐

314
00:17:14,697 --> 00:17:15,898
>> YES.

315
00:17:15,898 --> 00:17:17,400
>> Jimmy: YOU WILL BECOME THOR?

316
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,303
>> YES, YES, THE MIGHTY THOR.

317
00:17:20,303 --> 00:17:21,804
>> Jimmy: THE MIGHTY THOR.

318
00:17:21,804 --> 00:17:25,041
>> THE JANE FOSTER THOR IS

319
00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:30,046
CALLED THE MIGHTY Y THOR, YES.

320
00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:32,782
>> Jimmy: ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU
HAVE BEEN RIDING A HORSE FOR A

321
00:17:32,782 --> 00:17:36,719
LONG TIME, AND YOU SAY, ON OH,
I'M THE MIGHTY THOR.

322
00:17:36,719 --> 00:17:37,119
>> WAIT A MINUTE.

323
00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:41,190
>> Jimmy: WE USED TO HAVE A
DRUMMER ‐‐ WE USED TO HAVE A

324
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:42,058
DRUMMER.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I

325
00:17:42,058 --> 00:17:49,699
THINK THE COVID GOT HIM.
THERE'S NO COVID THERE IN AUS T‐

326
00:17:49,699 --> 00:17:51,434
IN AUSTRALIA, IS THERE?
IT'S HEALTHY AND SAFE THERE?

327
00:17:51,434 --> 00:17:54,770
>> YEAH, THE GOVERNMENT HAS DONE
A REALLY, REALLY INCREDIBLE JOB

328
00:17:54,770 --> 00:17:58,407
AT BEING ‐‐ YEAH, IT'S BEEN
THREE WEEKS WITH NO LOCAL CASES.

329
00:17:58,407 --> 00:18:01,344
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU SAYING OUR
GOVERNMENT IN THE UNITED STATES

330
00:18:01,344 --> 00:18:04,447
OF AMERICA HAS NOT DONE A GREAT
JOB?

331
00:18:04,447 --> 00:18:08,818
>> OH, NO, I WOULD NEVER.
I WOULD NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE

332
00:18:08,818 --> 00:18:09,285
THAT.

333
00:18:09,285 --> 00:18:12,755
>> Jimmy: THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD
BECAUSE YOU ARE, YEAH, YOU ARE

334
00:18:12,755 --> 00:18:15,124
FAR AWAY AND YOU ARE LIVING LIKE
NORMAL PEOPLE.

335
00:18:15,124 --> 00:18:18,694
LIKE THEY THE USED TO LIVE IN
THE OLDEN TIMES.

336
00:18:18,694 --> 00:18:23,666
>> YEAH, IT DEFINITELY FEELS
LIKE A TIME MACHINE AND VERY

337
00:18:23,666 --> 00:18:25,735
GRATEFUL TO GET THE OPPORTUNITY
TO LIVE LIKE THAT.

338
00:18:25,735 --> 00:18:30,006
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I BET.
DID YOU CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING

339
00:18:30,006 --> 00:18:31,540
AMERICAN STYLE THERE?

340
00:18:31,540 --> 00:18:39,415
>> YEAH, IT IS SORT OF LIKE A
CELEBRATION WITH ACKNOWLEDGMENT

341
00:18:39,415 --> 00:18:41,350
OF THE HISTORY.
THE DARK HISTORY OF THE COUNTRY

342
00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:44,620
RATHER THAN THE WAY I GREW UP
DOING IT.

343
00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:48,758
BUT WE CERTAINLY DID ENJOY THE
FOOD OF THE HOLIDAY.

344
00:18:48,758 --> 00:18:51,927
>> Jimmy: THEY DO THAT BECAUSE
I'M LIKE, YEAH, THESE PEOPLE

345
00:18:51,927 --> 00:18:58,868
CAME, THEY HAD HATS WITH BELT
BUCKLES ON THEM, AND NOW, HERE

346
00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:02,038
WE ARE.
DID YOU COOK A TURKEY OR ‐‐ YOU

347
00:19:02,038 --> 00:19:03,572
ARE VEGAN, CORRECT?

348
00:19:03,572 --> 00:19:08,110
>> I'M VEGAN, YEAH.
YEAH, SO, I FOUND.

349
00:19:08,110 --> 00:19:10,212
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S AUSTRALIAN
OR IF I JUST DISCOVERED HIT

350
00:19:10,212 --> 00:19:14,050
WHILE HERE, THERE'S A THING
CALLED SUZANNE SPOON VEGAN

351
00:19:14,050 --> 00:19:18,554
BUTCHER THEY HAVE ALL THE FAKE
MEAT PREPARATIONS SO ‐‐ GOT SOME

352
00:19:18,554 --> 00:19:23,893
PLANT BASED SCHNITZEL AND THAT
WAS OUR CENTER PIECE OF OUR MEAL.

353
00:19:23,893 --> 00:19:27,630
>> Jimmy: REALLY, SOMEONE CASHED
TH

354
00:19:27,630 --> 00:19:31,634
‐‐ SOMEONE CARVED THE SCHNITZEL
IN YOUR THANKSGIVING?

355
00:19:31,634 --> 00:19:35,304
>> VERY TRADITIONAL.

356
00:19:35,304 --> 00:19:42,478
>> Jimmy: WHAT 'S IN THE PLANT
BASED SCH NNITZEL.

357
00:19:42,478 --> 00:19:45,381
>> UNCLEAR. SOY, NOT MEAT.

358
00:19:45,381 --> 00:19:51,353
>> Jimmy: LET'S LOOK AT THE
PICTURE THAT CHRIS HEMSWORTH

359
00:19:51,353 --> 00:19:53,322
POSTED ON INSTAGRAM.

360
00:19:53,322 --> 00:19:54,857
>> GREAT SEGUE.

361
00:19:54,857 --> 00:19:59,829
>> Jimmy: I THINK HE HAS GAINED
40 POUNDS OF MUSCLE BASED ON THE

362
00:19:59,829 --> 00:20:01,230
PHOTO, IT DOES NOT LOOK REAL.

363
00:20:01,230 --> 00:20:07,703
>> IT'S OTHER WORLDLY.
I ALSO LIKE, I FEEL LIKE I'M SO

364
00:20:07,703 --> 00:20:12,208
UNVERSED IN WHAT MUSCLES DO AND
HOW THEY GET LIKE THAT.

365
00:20:12,208 --> 00:20:16,078
LIKE, DOES THE BLOOD DRAIN OUT
OF YOU WHEN YOU USE YOUR MUSCLES?

366
00:20:16,078 --> 00:20:18,280
BECAUSE IT LOOKS SO WHITE,
DOESN'T IT.

367
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,750
>> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, HIS BODY IS
WHITE, YEAH.

368
00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:23,986
>> I FEEL LIKE IT'S A T‐SHIRT
TAN, RIGHT?

369
00:20:23,986 --> 00:20:24,987
IS THAT WHAT'S HAPPENING?

370
00:20:24,987 --> 00:20:27,123
>> Jimmy: IT LOOKS LIKE MAYBE,
YEAH.

371
00:20:27,123 --> 00:20:30,860
>> OH, CHRIS.
WE HAVE TO GET YOU SOME SPRAY

372
00:20:30,860 --> 00:20:33,429
TAN.
WE HAVE TO HELP WITH THE MUSCLE

373
00:20:33,429 --> 00:20:33,763
PICTURES.

374
00:20:33,763 --> 00:20:37,366
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD
GET HIM A AAA CARD BECAUSE HE

375
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:40,603
SEEMS TO BE CHANGING HIS TIRES
BY HIMSELF.

376
00:20:40,603 --> 00:20:43,773
>> YES. HE IS LOOKING GOOD.
IT'S A LOT OF PRESSURE.

377
00:20:43,773 --> 00:20:48,377
I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE HIS
LITTLE GRANDMA NEXT TO HIM.

378
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:52,448
>> Jimmy: ARE YOUR KIDS ENJOYING
BEING IN AUSTRALIA?

379
00:20:52,448 --> 00:20:56,352
>> YES, IT'S VERY LUCKY.
AND SO, SO DIFFERENT LIKE ALL

380
00:20:56,352 --> 00:20:59,989
THE ANIMALS ARE DIFFERENT, THE
TREES ARE DIFFERENT.

381
00:20:59,989 --> 00:21:05,227
THE ‐‐ EVEN THE BIRDS, I MEAN,
LIKE, THERE'S MULTI‐COLORED

382
00:21:05,227 --> 00:21:06,662
PARROTS FLYING AROUND LIKE
PIGEONS.

383
00:21:06,662 --> 00:21:08,164
>> Jimmy: YEAH.

384
00:21:08,164 --> 00:21:08,497
>> IT'S WILD.

385
00:21:08,497 --> 00:21:11,033
>> Jimmy: AND THEY WILL KILL
YOU, THOSE THINGS, RIGHT?

386
00:21:11,033 --> 00:21:12,234
EVERYTHING IS DANGEROUS.

387
00:21:12,234 --> 00:21:15,504
>> IT'S ACTUALLY NOT THE LIKE
BIG THINGS THAT ARE ‐‐ THE

388
00:21:15,504 --> 00:21:18,240
DANGEROUS THINGS ARE LIKE THE
LITTLE SPIDERS.

389
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,676
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THE LITTLE
SPIDERS YOU HAVE TO WATCH OUT

390
00:21:20,676 --> 00:21:24,380
FOR.
ARE THE KIDS PICKING UP ACCENTS

391
00:21:24,380 --> 00:21:26,549
THERE?
KIDS SEEM TO DO THAT, RIGHT?

392
00:21:26,549 --> 00:21:32,855
>> MORE LIKE, MORE WORDS BECAUSE
YOU NEED TO YEAH LIKE, YOU KNOW,

393
00:21:32,855 --> 00:21:37,793
WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING LIKE
THEY SAY LOHLIES NOW INSTEAD OF

394
00:21:37,793 --> 00:21:40,563
CANDY.
AND TOMATO SAUCE INSTEAD OF

395
00:21:40,563 --> 00:21:42,331
KETCHUP.
WHEN YOU WANT WHAT YOU WANT YOU

396
00:21:42,331 --> 00:21:45,801
HAVE TO SAY IT THE WAY THE
LOCALS DO, YOU KNOW?

397
00:21:45,801 --> 00:21:51,207
I WOULD LIKE TOMATO SAUCE WITH
MY CHIPS.

398
00:21:51,207 --> 00:21:51,707
>>

399
00:21:51,707 --> 00:21:52,072
>>.

400
00:21:52,072 --> 00:21:54,944
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WELL YEAH THE
KIDS ARE LEARNING.

401
00:21:54,944 --> 00:21:58,614
YOU DON'T WANT TO GET BEAT UP.

402
00:21:58,614 --> 00:21:59,748
>> THEY ARE VERY FLEXIBLE.

403
00:21:59,748 --> 00:22:03,319
>> Jimmy: SPEAKING OF CHILDREN,
YOU HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK FOR

404
00:22:03,319 --> 00:22:08,591
CHILDREN, CALLED NAT HIALIE
PORTMAN'S FABLES.

405
00:22:08,591 --> 00:22:12,962
WE WILL HAVE MORE OF THAT WHEN
WE COME BACK, NATALIE PORTMAN

406
00:22:12,962 --> 00:22:13,996
FROM AUSTRALIA.

407
00:22:13,996 --> 00:22:17,666
>> PORTIONS OF "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE," ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY

408
00:22:17,666 --> 00:22:19,268
LIVE," ARE BROUGHT TO YOU BY
AFFIRM.

409
00:22:19,268 --> 00:22:20,135
THE PAYMENT ALTERNATIVE TO
CREDIT CARDS.

410
00:22:24,584 --> 00:22:28,950
♪

411
00:22:28,950 --> 00:22:30,632
>>> WELCOME BACK, NATALIE
PORTMAN IS WITH US.

412
00:22:30,632 --> 00:22:34,569
NATALIE HAS WRITTEN A BOOK.
NATALIE PORTMAN'S FABLES.

413
00:22:34,569 --> 00:22:37,672
YOU HAVE ADAPTED CLASSIC
CHILDREN STORIES CORRECT?

414
00:22:37,672 --> 00:22:44,345
>> CORRECT, YEAH.
I LOVE THE CLASSIC FABLES AND

415
00:22:44,345 --> 00:22:49,150
MORALS THAT THEY PASSED DOWN,
THAT WE HAVE GROWN UP WITH.

416
00:22:49,150 --> 00:22:51,619
OUR PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS
GREW UP WITH THEM.

417
00:22:51,619 --> 00:22:55,223
I REALIZED WHEN I WAS READING
THEM TO MY KIDS ALL THE

418
00:22:55,223 --> 00:22:57,358
CHARACTERS WERE MALE AND I
DIDN'T WANT EITHER OF MY KIDS TO

419
00:22:57,358 --> 00:22:59,260
HAVE THAT.

420
00:22:59,260 --> 00:23:05,967
SO I MADE IT MORE REFLECTIVE OF
THE ANIMAL KINGDOM.

421
00:23:05,967 --> 00:23:06,332
>>.

422
00:23:06,332 --> 00:23:06,835
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.

423
00:23:06,835 --> 00:23:09,003
>> BUT KEPT THE CLASSIC MESSAGES
OF THEM.

424
00:23:09,003 --> 00:23:12,574
SO, IT WAS A REALLY FUN PROJECT
TO KIND OF CREATE FOR MY KIDS.

425
00:23:12,574 --> 00:23:17,779
AS YOU KNOW, YOU WROTE A KIDS'

426
00:23:17,779 --> 00:23:21,015
BOOK TO TOO.

427
00:23:21,015 --> 00:23:27,889
>> Jimmy: WHAT I LAIKE IS YOUR
BOOK RIPHYMES.

428
00:23:27,889 --> 00:23:30,692
AND I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO DO
THAT, YOU DO HAVE TO DO THAT

429
00:23:30,692 --> 00:23:35,263
WITH FABS. RIGHT?
THAT'S PART OF THE DEAL.

430
00:23:35,263 --> 00:23:39,501
>> I DON'T KNOW, I LOVE, I KNOW
WHEN I READ TO MY KIDS I LOVE

431
00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:44,839
THINGS THAT HAVE A RHYME.
I FIND IT EASIER TO DO KIND OF

432
00:23:44,839 --> 00:23:50,211
READ OF AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
AND ALSO, IN MY FAMILY, LIKE MY

433
00:23:50,211 --> 00:23:54,716
MOM ALWAYS WROTE OUR, ALL THE
HOLIDAY CARDS AND EVERYTHING IN

434
00:23:54,716 --> 00:23:57,385
RHYME.
SO IT FELT LIKE KIND OF A FAMILY

435
00:23:57,385 --> 00:23:57,750
THING.

436
00:23:57,750 --> 00:24:02,223
>> Jimmy: THAT'S NICE, YEAH, YOU
BOUGHT A WOMAN'S SOCCER TEAM, I

437
00:24:02,223 --> 00:24:03,224
WAS READING, HERE IN LOS
ANGELES, RIGHT?

438
00:24:03,224 --> 00:24:05,493
YOU ARE ONE OF THE OWNERS OF THE
TEAM.

439
00:24:05,493 --> 00:24:09,264
>> YES, IT'S SUPER EXCITING.
WE HAVE AN INCREDIBLE OWNERSHIP

440
00:24:09,264 --> 00:24:15,136
GROUP OF INCREDIBLE ATHLETES
LIKE SERENA WILLIAMS AND BILLIE

441
00:24:15,136 --> 00:24:20,842
JEAN KING AND LYNDSAY VAUGHN AND
14 FORMER U. S. NATIONAL TEAM

442
00:24:20,842 --> 00:24:24,712
PLAYERS.
AND THEN A BUNCH OF ACTRESSES

443
00:24:24,712 --> 00:24:30,251
CAME TOGETHER SO, JESS CHESTAIN,
AND WE HAVE GOT A WHOLE

444
00:24:30,251 --> 00:24:31,986
INCREDIBLE GROUP.
I'M SURE I'M LEAVING PEOPLE OUT

445
00:24:31,986 --> 00:24:38,760
AND A GROUP OF TECH AND BUSINESS
WOMEN CAME TOGETHER TO START

446
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,963
THIS FIRST PROFESSIONAL WOMEN'S
SOCCER TEAM IN LOS ANGELES IN A

447
00:24:41,963 --> 00:24:44,866
WHILE. SO WE ARE STARTING ‐‐

448
00:24:44,866 --> 00:24:45,366
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

449
00:24:45,366 --> 00:24:50,071
>> Jimmy: THAT SEEMS LIKE, THAT
SEEMS LIKE IT WOULD BE A LOT OF

450
00:24:50,071 --> 00:24:53,374
FUN.
DID YOU PLAY SOCCER AS A KID?

451
00:24:53,374 --> 00:24:57,645
>> I AM SO NOT ATHLETIC.
AND I ADMIRE IT SO.

452
00:24:57,645 --> 00:25:00,982
ALL MY FRIENDS FROM GROWING UP
WERE KIND OF LAUGHING AT ME THAT

453
00:25:00,982 --> 00:25:05,353
I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH
PROFESSIONAL SPORTS.

454
00:25:05,353 --> 00:25:09,591
BUT I JUST THINK IT'S SUCH AN
INCREDIBLE LIKE TALENT THAT

455
00:25:09,591 --> 00:25:15,163
THESE WOMEN HAVE, AND WANTED TO
CELEBRATE THEIR GREAT

456
00:25:15,163 --> 00:25:17,131
ACHIEVEMENT, AND AMPLIFY WHAT
THEY ARE DOING, BECAUSE WE HAVE

457
00:25:17,131 --> 00:25:20,668
AN INCREDIBLE WOMEN'S SOCCER
LEAGUE IN THE COUNTRY, AND

458
00:25:20,668 --> 00:25:24,639
UNFORTUNATELY THEY DON'T GET THE
KIND OF JOURNALISTIC COVERAGE

459
00:25:24,639 --> 00:25:27,075
AND KIND OF MEDIA COVERAGE THAT
THEY DESERVE, EXCEPT WHEN IT'S

460
00:25:27,075 --> 00:25:30,945
THE WORLD CUP, AND SO, WE HAVE
GOT TO WATCH THEM WHEN THEY ARE

461
00:25:30,945 --> 00:25:35,817
PLAYING THEIR HOME GAMES TO AND
SUPPORT THEM WHEN THEY ARE NOT

462
00:25:35,817 --> 00:25:36,484
JUST ON THE INTERNATIONAL STAGE.

463
00:25:36,484 --> 00:25:38,786
>> Jimmy: WHEN YOU WERE A KID,
YOU WERE NOT ENROLLED THE ‐‐ YOU

464
00:25:38,786 --> 00:25:41,189
WERE NOT PLAYING ON ON A YOUTH
SOCCERER TEAM.

465
00:25:41,189 --> 00:25:44,659
WE HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH THAT I
WANTED TO RUN BY YOU.

466
00:25:44,659 --> 00:25:48,830
THAT'S YOU AT WHAT AGE?

467
00:25:48,830 --> 00:25:53,835
>> I, 7, I WOULD GUESS.
THAT LOOKS LIKE 7 OR 8.

468
00:25:53,835 --> 00:25:57,572
NO, IT WAS 1990, I WAS BORN IN
1981. SO I'M NINE THERE.

469
00:25:57,572 --> 00:26:01,409
>> Jimmy: AND THE PUPPIES WERE
HIT WITH RADIATION TO MAKE THEM

470
00:26:01,409 --> 00:26:02,410
THAT SIZE?

471
00:26:02,410 --> 00:26:09,550
>> OR MAKE I WAS SHUNKEN TO BE
PUPPY SIZE. I DON'T KNOW.

472
00:26:09,550 --> 00:26:12,787
QUESTIONABLE PROPORTIONS AT
SEARS.

473
00:26:12,787 --> 00:26:18,226
>> Jimmy: THIS IS, WHERE IS THIS
PHOTOGRAPH DISPLAYED?

474
00:26:18,226 --> 00:26:24,699
>> OH, AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S WHAT HAPPEN WS WN

475
00:26:24,699 --> 00:26:28,569
YOU ARE AN ONLY CHILD, THERE'S A
LOT OF WEIRD UNFLATTERING

476
00:26:28,569 --> 00:26:29,904
PICTURES HAPPENING EVERYWHERE.

477
00:26:29,904 --> 00:26:31,272
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT IS A GOOD
ONE.

478
00:26:31,272 --> 00:26:36,177
I MEAN, YEAH, THERE WERE SOME ‐‐
WE HAVE WEIRD PICTURES BUT NOT

479
00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:40,915
WITH THE GIANT PUPPIES LIKE THAT.

480
00:26:40,915 --> 00:26:46,854
>> I MEAN YOU WERE NOT IN THE
MALL ON LONG ISLAND IN 1990, YOU

481
00:26:46,854 --> 00:26:47,221
MISSED OUT.

482
00:26:47,221 --> 00:26:51,659
>> Jimmy: WHAT MALL WAS THAT, DO
YOU REMEMBER?

483
00:26:51,659 --> 00:26:55,697
>> PROBABLY ROOSEVELT FIELD,
MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW.

484
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:57,098
SOMEWHERE, SOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW ‐‐

485
00:26:57,098 --> 00:27:01,402
>> Jimmy: SOMEWHERE PEOPLE ARE
ALLOWED TO GO IN TO NOW.

486
00:27:01,402 --> 00:27:04,939
IT'S VERY GOOD TO TALK TO YOU.
THANKS FOR GIVING US THE UPDATE

487
00:27:04,939 --> 00:27:08,376
ON HOW DECEMBER IS GOING.
THIS IS THE BOOK, IT'S CALLED

488
00:27:08,376 --> 00:27:11,145
"NATALIE PORTMAN'S FABLES,"
ITY ‐‐ IT'S OUT NOW.

489
00:27:11,145 --> 00:27:15,283
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID
CHANG.

490
00:27:24,906 --> 00:27:25,480
>>> NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE "JIMMY

491
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:31,019
KIMMEL LIVE" ROCK PAPER SCISSORS
CHALLENGE.

492
00:27:31,019 --> 00:27:35,424
WE HAVE SEAN WICKED FINGERS, AND
NOW, IS THE BIG MOMENT.

493
00:27:35,424 --> 00:27:40,062
GET READY, VIEWER.
ROCK PAPER SCISSORS, SHOOT.

494
00:27:40,062 --> 00:27:47,169
SEAN THROWS A ROCK. T
TOLD YOU HE WAS GOOD.

495
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,035
♪

496
00:28:00,035 --> 00:28:05,215
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS AN ACCLAIMED

497
00:28:05,215 --> 00:28:08,452
CHEF, AUTHOR AND PODCASTER.
AS OF LAST NIGHT, HE IS ALSO THE

498
00:28:08,452 --> 00:28:15,025
FIRST CELEBRITY TO WIN IT ALL ON
"WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?"

499
00:28:15,025 --> 00:28:18,896
PLEASE WELCOME DAVID CHANG.

500
00:28:18,896 --> 00:28:26,337
♪

501
00:28:26,337 --> 00:28:32,109
>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU?
ARE YOU ‐‐ HAVE YOU BEEN WALKING

502
00:28:32,109 --> 00:28:33,177
AROUND TOWN WITH THAT?

503
00:28:33,177 --> 00:28:37,681
>> EVERYWHERE I GO, I BRING THIS
TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT I WON.

504
00:28:37,681 --> 00:28:40,618
>> Jimmy: DON'T TRY TO CASH IT.
I KNOW I SIGNED IT.

505
00:28:40,618 --> 00:28:42,486
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY HAD ME
SIGN IT.

506
00:28:42,486 --> 00:28:45,356
THE MILLION DOLLARS DOESN'T COME
FROM ME.

507
00:28:45,356 --> 00:28:47,992
BUT CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT BY
THE WAY.

508
00:28:47,992 --> 00:28:50,894
YES, IT'S ‐‐ YEAH, KEEP THAT
RIGHT THERE.

509
00:28:50,894 --> 00:28:54,365
I WOULD REALLY CARRY THAT, I
WOULD MAKE A NECKLACE OUT OF IT,

510
00:28:54,365 --> 00:28:54,865
IF I WAS YOU.

511
00:28:54,865 --> 00:28:58,469
>> IT'S THE MOST SURREAL THING.
I STILL DO NOT BELIEVE IT

512
00:28:58,469 --> 00:29:00,004
HAPPENED. IT'S SO CRAZY.

513
00:29:00,004 --> 00:29:02,640
>> Jimmy: IT WAS FUNNY.
AND I WANT TO GET TO THAT IN A

514
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:03,907
SECOND. I WANT TO FIRST ASK ABOUT

515
00:29:03,907 --> 00:29:07,011
SOMETHING, I WAS ON YOUR PODCAST
THAT ACTUALLY WAS RELEASED

516
00:29:07,011 --> 00:29:12,783
TODAY.
AND YOU TOLD ME SOMETHING THAT I

517
00:29:12,783 --> 00:29:15,486
HAVE BEEN THINKING IING ABOUT I
WEEKEND, YOU FORGOT TO GIVE

518
00:29:15,486 --> 00:29:17,221
TURKEY FOR THANKSGIVING.

519
00:29:17,221 --> 00:29:19,256
>> I DID.

520
00:29:19,256 --> 00:29:22,226
>> Jimmy: AND THEN YOU WERE
UNABLE TO ‐‐ EVEN WITH A LITTLE

521
00:29:22,226 --> 00:29:26,997
BIT OF NOTICE, YOU WERE UNABLE
TO GET A TURKEY.

522
00:29:26,997 --> 00:29:31,902
>> I SENIORORT OF SCREWED UP, I
THE ONE THING THAT MY WIFE

523
00:29:31,902 --> 00:29:38,275
WANTED. I DIDN'T WANT A TURKEY.
BUT MY WIFE WANTED A TURKEY BUT

524
00:29:38,275 --> 00:29:41,512
IT DID NOT EXIST, THERE WAS ONLY
A TURKEY BREAST AND THAT WAS NOT

525
00:29:41,512 --> 00:29:42,780
GOING TO CUT IT.

526
00:29:42,780 --> 00:29:47,017
>> Jimmy: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU
THE NOT REACH OUT TO YOUR

527
00:29:47,017 --> 00:29:48,218
CONTACTS, DID YOU TRY?

528
00:29:48,218 --> 00:29:49,219
>> I TRIED ENOUGH.

529
00:29:49,219 --> 00:29:51,655
>> Jimmy: YOU TRIED ENOUGH.
WHAT THE DID YOU HAVE?

530
00:29:51,655 --> 00:29:56,360
>> CREAMED BARBECUE, I PICKED IT
UP FROM PARKS HERE IN L. A.

531
00:29:56,360 --> 00:29:56,694
IT WAS GREAT.

532
00:29:56,694 --> 00:30:01,432
>> Jimmy: AS I WAS SITTING DOWN
AND EATING MY TURKEY ON

533
00:30:01,432 --> 00:30:04,968
THANKSGIVING, I WAS SAYING, I
WISH I HAD KOREAN BARBECUE RIGHT

534
00:30:04,968 --> 00:30:05,333
NOW.

535
00:30:05,333 --> 00:30:09,306
>> IT WAS WEIRD, IT WAS
DIFFERENT FOR ME TO HAVE KOREAN

536
00:30:09,306 --> 00:30:11,575
BARBECUE WITH WHAT I CALL THE
WHITE PEOPLE SIDES.

537
00:30:11,575 --> 00:30:13,944
>> Jimmy: YOU DID HAVE ALL THE
SIDES.

538
00:30:13,944 --> 00:30:14,445
>> YEAH.

539
00:30:14,445 --> 00:30:20,184
>> Jimmy: AT YOUR HOUSE GROWING
UP WITH YOUR PARENTS BEING

540
00:30:20,184 --> 00:30:24,688
IMMIGRANTS, DID YOU CELEBRATE
THANKSGIVING WITH THE TURKEY?

541
00:30:24,688 --> 00:30:29,259
>> THANKSGIVING WAS THE DAY THAT
MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS LOOKED

542
00:30:29,259 --> 00:30:31,995
FORWARD TO THE MOST.
IT WAS THE ONE DAY WE KNEW WE

543
00:30:31,995 --> 00:30:35,165
WERE GETTING AMERICAN FOOD.
GROWING UP AS WE WERE MORE AWARE

544
00:30:35,165 --> 00:30:39,503
OF WHAT KOREAN FOOD WAS HERE IN
THIS COUNTRY, IT WAS NOT BELOVED

545
00:30:39,503 --> 00:30:40,437
BACK THEN.

546
00:30:40,437 --> 00:30:40,838
>>.

547
00:30:40,838 --> 00:30:42,106
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, YEAH.

548
00:30:42,106 --> 00:30:45,609
>> SO WE WERE EMBARRASSED BY IT.
THERE WAS NOT A GUARANTEE THAT

549
00:30:45,609 --> 00:30:48,879
MY MOM WOULD MAKE AMERICAN FOOD.
IT'S THE ONE DAY WE KNEW WE

550
00:30:48,879 --> 00:30:51,982
WOULD GET MASHED POTATOES AND
STUFFING AND ALL SIDES.

551
00:30:51,982 --> 00:30:54,952
SO THAT WAS THE BEST DAY.
BECAUSE WE ALSO GOT THE BEST OF

552
00:30:54,952 --> 00:30:55,285
KOREAN FOOD.

553
00:30:55,285 --> 00:30:57,688
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, YEAH.
YEAH.

554
00:30:57,688 --> 00:31:00,724
THAT'S HOW IT WAS AT MY HOUSE
TOO. NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

555
00:31:00,724 --> 00:31:04,962
I DON'T MEAN KOREAN, I MEAN IT
WAS ALWAYS ITALIAN FOOD.

556
00:31:04,962 --> 00:31:07,064
LIKE, ALWAYS.
THERE WAS RARELY ANY FOOD OTHER

557
00:31:07,064 --> 00:31:10,367
THAN THAT IN OUR HOUSE.
AND I THINK MOSTLY IT'S BECAUSE

558
00:31:10,367 --> 00:31:13,771
ITALIAN FOOD IS CHEAP.
BECAUSE PASTA DOES NOT COST

559
00:31:13,771 --> 00:31:14,171
ANYTHING.

560
00:31:14,171 --> 00:31:16,940
>> YOU STILL HAD TURKEY AND
EVERYTHING, RIGHT.

561
00:31:16,940 --> 00:31:19,777
>> Jimmy: ON THANKSGIVING, IT
WAS NEVER GOOD.

562
00:31:19,777 --> 00:31:22,513
NOT CLOSE TO GOOD.
IT WAS NOT SOMETHING WE CRAVED.

563
00:31:22,513 --> 00:31:26,150
ALL RIGHT, SO LET'S TALK ABOUT
WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.

564
00:31:26,150 --> 00:31:30,020
HOW CONFIDENT DID YOU FEEL GOING
IN TO THIS?

565
00:31:30,020 --> 00:31:33,857
>> TRUTHFULLY, MY ENTIRE GOAL
WAS TO NOT BE ELIMINATED AFTER

566
00:31:33,857 --> 00:31:34,558
THE FIRST QUESTION.

567
00:31:34,558 --> 00:31:37,394
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
NOW, THE FIRST QUESTIONS ARE

568
00:31:37,394 --> 00:31:40,964
PRETTY EASY.
YOU ALMOST GOT TRIPPED UP ON A

569
00:31:40,964 --> 00:31:41,598
VERY EASY QUESTION.

570
00:31:41,598 --> 00:31:42,833
>> YES.

571
00:31:42,833 --> 00:31:45,035
>> Jimmy: WHAT WAS THAT?

572
00:31:45,035 --> 00:31:51,508
>> IT WAS, IF A TODDLER EATS ALL
OF THEIR FOOD WHAT CLUB DO THEY

573
00:31:51,508 --> 00:31:52,476
BELONG TO.

574
00:31:52,476 --> 00:31:53,844
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, YES.

575
00:31:53,844 --> 00:31:56,947
>> MY INITIAL REACTION WHEN YOU
READ THE QUESTION WAS I DON'T

576
00:31:56,947 --> 00:32:00,651
KNOW THE ANSWER BECAUSE I MEAN
IT WAS THE CLEAN PLATE CLUB AND

577
00:32:00,651 --> 00:32:04,621
SITTING IN THAT CHAIR, VERSE
WATCHING IT FROM TV ARE

578
00:32:04,621 --> 00:32:05,956
COMPLETELY TWO DIFFERENT
EXPERIENCES.

579
00:32:05,956 --> 00:32:06,523
>> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY.

580
00:32:06,523 --> 00:32:10,360
>> AND IF I'M WATCHING AT HOME,
I'M LIKE, OF COURSE, IT'S CLEAN

581
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:12,196
PLATE CLUB.
IN THE CHAIR, WITH THE MUSIC

582
00:32:12,196 --> 00:32:14,731
TALKING TO YOU I HAD NO IDEA
WHAT THE ANSWER WAS.

583
00:32:14,731 --> 00:32:19,336
SO I HAD TO ASK MY GUEST.

584
00:32:19,336 --> 00:32:22,239
>> Jimmy: ALLEN YANG WAS YOUR
EXPERT HELPER AND HE WAS GOOD.

585
00:32:22,239 --> 00:32:24,975
HE KNEW CLEAN PLATE CLUB.
EVERYONE EXCEPT YOU KNEW THAT.

586
00:32:24,975 --> 00:32:25,342
>> EVERYBODY.

587
00:32:25,342 --> 00:32:29,046
>> Jimmy: BUT, YOU KNEW A LOT OF
THE ANSWERS THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE

588
00:32:29,046 --> 00:32:33,050
DIDN'T KNOW.
NOW, LET'S GO TO THE MOMENT.

589
00:32:33,050 --> 00:32:37,554
THIS IS FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.

590
00:32:37,554 --> 00:32:41,925
YOUR METALLIC TESTICLES JUST WON

591
00:32:41,925 --> 00:32:47,030
YOU A MILLION DOLLARS.

592
00:32:47,030 --> 00:32:55,639
>> OH, MAN.

593
00:32:55,639 --> 00:33:03,080
OH, GOD!

594
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:06,116
>> Jimmy: NOW, HADTHAT WAS, THA
WAS AN EXCITING MOMENT.

595
00:33:06,116 --> 00:33:09,386
IT WAS A SHAME WE DIDN'T HAVE AN
AUDIENCE TO SHARE IT.

596
00:33:09,386 --> 00:33:12,256
BUT IT WAS EXCITING.
NOT ONLY DID YOU MAKE HISTORY BY

597
00:33:12,256 --> 00:33:15,125
BEING THE FIRST CELEBRITY TO GO
FOR IT AND WIN A MILLION

598
00:33:15,125 --> 00:33:21,198
DOLLARS, YOU ALSO WERE THE FIRST
CELEBRITY TO DO IT WITH YOUR FLY

599
00:33:21,198 --> 00:33:22,933
UNZIPPED.

600
00:33:22,933 --> 00:33:23,433
>> OH!

601
00:33:23,433 --> 00:33:25,369
>> Jimmy: YES.

602
00:33:25,369 --> 00:33:30,140
>> THANK YOU.
OH, MY WIFE IS GOING TO BE SO

603
00:33:30,140 --> 00:33:31,675
THRILLED WITH ME.

604
00:33:31,675 --> 00:33:38,215
>> Jimmy: YOUR LIFE LINE, YOUR
PHONE A FRIEND, CAME THROUGH FOR

605
00:33:38,215 --> 00:33:38,548
YOU.

606
00:33:38,548 --> 00:33:40,284
>> SHE SAVED ME.

607
00:33:40,284 --> 00:33:42,352
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE KNEW THE
ANSWER TO THE QUESTION.

608
00:33:42,352 --> 00:33:45,022
SHE DID KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE
QUESTION.

609
00:33:45,022 --> 00:33:47,190
>> I HAD NO IDEA WHO BENJAMIN
HARRIS WAS.

610
00:33:47,190 --> 00:33:49,192
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS THE CRAZIEST
PART OF IT.

611
00:33:49,192 --> 00:33:53,363
I WATCHED IT LAST NIGHT AND
OBVIOUSLY I WAS THERE THE FIRST

612
00:33:53,363 --> 00:33:56,566
TIME, AND I SAW THE EDIT OF IT
AT ANOTHER TIME.

613
00:33:56,566 --> 00:33:59,836
AND LAST NIGHT I WATCHED IT, I
WAS LIKE, HE IS CRAZY.

614
00:33:59,836 --> 00:34:03,040
AT ONE POINT, YOU DON'T KNOW IF
HARRISON WAS THE PRESIDENT.

615
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,008
AND THIS QUESTION IS WHICH

616
00:34:05,008 --> 00:34:12,282
PRESIDENT HADLEELEC ELECTRICITYE
WHITE HOUSE FIRST.

617
00:34:12,282 --> 00:34:16,053
YOU RISK READY $468,000.

618
00:34:16,053 --> 00:34:18,488
>> I'M AN INSANE PERSON.
I WATCHED THAT AND I WAS LIKE,

619
00:34:18,488 --> 00:34:23,026
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I LITERALLY WAS LIKE, I'M GOING

620
00:34:23,026 --> 00:34:25,963
TO CHOOSE HARRISON BECAUSE I
DON'T KNOW IF HE IS A PRESIDENT.

621
00:34:25,963 --> 00:34:30,467
THAT WAS MY RATIONALE, AND
OBVIOUSLY NINA, TELLING ME, BUT

622
00:34:30,467 --> 00:34:33,437
STILL, WHEN YOU ARE IN THE
CHAIR, YOU ARE WRESTLING WITH

623
00:34:33,437 --> 00:34:34,371
YOURSELF. I HAD NO IDEA.

624
00:34:34,371 --> 00:34:36,840
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
I KNEW YOU WERE A GAMBLER

625
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,644
BECAUSE YOU WERE ONE OF THE FEW
PEOPLE THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY

626
00:34:40,644 --> 00:34:44,348
COUSIN SAL IN LAS VEGAS.

627
00:34:44,348 --> 00:34:46,283
>> I HAVE GONE GAMBLING WITH
SAL.

628
00:34:46,283 --> 00:34:49,219
>> Jimmy: AND WHICH OF YOU IS
MORE AFFLICTED WOULD YOU SAY?

629
00:34:49,219 --> 00:34:52,055
>> ON THE SPORTS BETTING IT'S
DEFINITELY SAL.

630
00:34:52,055 --> 00:34:53,490
>> Jimmy: OKAY.

631
00:34:53,490 --> 00:34:55,492
>> ON THE TABLE GAMES, I HAVE A
PROBLEM.

632
00:34:55,492 --> 00:34:57,928
>> Jimmy: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

633
00:34:57,928 --> 00:34:58,862
>> YES.

634
00:34:58,862 --> 00:35:03,467
>> Jimmy: IS IT A REAL PROBLEM
OR IS IT FUN PROBLEM?

635
00:35:03,467 --> 00:35:07,637
>> LET'S SAY COVID IS GOOD
BECAUSE I CAN'T GAMBLE RIGHT NOW.

636
00:35:07,637 --> 00:35:10,807
>> Jimmy: HOW MANY RESTAURANTS
IN VEGAS?

637
00:35:10,807 --> 00:35:11,140
>> TWO.

638
00:35:11,140 --> 00:35:14,011
>> Jimmy: TWO NOW, ONE AT THE

639
00:35:14,011 --> 00:35:21,018
COKOS ‐‐ COSMOPOLITAN.

640
00:35:21,018 --> 00:35:25,355
>> AND ONE AT THE VENITIAN.

641
00:35:25,355 --> 00:35:33,096
>> Jimmy: THE CHARITY YOU WON
MONEY FOR IS CHRIS SHEPPARD'S

642
00:35:33,096 --> 00:35:38,969
CHARITY, AND HE THEY SUPPORT WH?

643
00:35:38,969 --> 00:35:42,172
>> ANYBODY WHO WOULD SHES IN
RESTAURANTS THAT IS EXPERIENCING

644
00:35:42,172 --> 00:35:43,707
FINANCIAL PROBLEMS.

645
00:35:43,707 --> 00:35:45,642
>> Jimmy: IT HAS HIT ANYBODY IN
THE COUNTRY.

646
00:35:45,642 --> 00:35:48,945
PEOPLE ARE NOT GETTING STIMULUS
CHECKS.

647
00:35:48,945 --> 00:35:51,915
THEY ARE NOT EATING OUT AS.
IT BEEN A DOUBLE WHAMY AND I'M

648
00:35:51,915 --> 00:35:54,184
GLAD YOU WON THE MILLION
DOLLARS, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A

649
00:35:54,184 --> 00:35:54,918
TOUGH ONE.

650
00:35:54,918 --> 00:35:58,855
>> WHOA, I THINK ABOUT IT A LOT.
AND AGAIN, IN THAT MOMENT, WHEN

651
00:35:58,855 --> 00:36:01,458
I DECIDED TO GO FOR IT, I'M
TALKING TO YOU LIKE THIS.

652
00:36:01,458 --> 00:36:07,297
I DON'T KNOW IF I VERBALIZED IT,
I WAS LIKE, EVEN IF I ANSWER IT

653
00:36:07,297 --> 00:36:10,667
INCORRECTLY WHICH WOULD TOTALLY
SUCK I WOULD PUT A SPOTLIGHT ON

654
00:36:10,667 --> 00:36:17,974
THE INDUSTRY THROUGH MY
EMBARRASSMENT.

655
00:36:17,974 --> 00:36:19,142
>> Jimmy: INTERESTING, THAT'S A
WAY TO SPIN YOUR PROBLEM.

656
00:36:19,142 --> 00:36:23,013
DAVID CHANG HAS WHO PODCASTS NOW
ON THE RING ER.

657
00:36:23,013 --> 00:36:26,483
YOU HAVE DAVE CHANG SHOW AND
WHAT'S THE NEW ONE THAT YOU ARE

658
00:36:26,483 --> 00:36:26,917
DOING?

659
00:36:26,917 --> 00:36:29,086
>> WE HAVE THE RECIPE CLUB.

660
00:36:29,086 --> 00:36:32,656
>> Jimmy: THE RECIPE CLUB.

661
00:36:32,656 --> 00:36:36,226
>> WHERE WE TAKE POPULAR RECIPES
AND SEE IF THEY WORK OR DON'T.

662
00:36:36,226 --> 00:36:41,932
>> Jimmy: AND ON TOP OF THAT,
YOU HAVE A MEMOIRE CALLED "EAT A

663
00:36:41,932 --> 00:36:43,967
PEACH.
DON'T TRY TO CASH THE CHECK.

664
00:36:43,967 --> 00:36:46,536
IT'S JUST A PROBLEM.
AND WHO WANTS TO BE A

665
00:36:46,536 --> 00:36:53,176
MILLIONAIRE, YOU GOING TO WATCH
IT AGAIN NEXT SUNDAY NIGHT ON

666
00:36:53,176 --> 00:36:55,045
ABC, WE WILL BE BACK WITH
RUSSELL DICKERSON.

667
00:36:55,045 --> 00:36:56,680
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS

668
00:36:56,680 --> 00:37:01,384
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING.

669
00:37:07,199 --> 00:37:08,189
♪

670
00:37:08,189 --> 00:37:09,290
>>> Jimmy: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL
LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS

671
00:37:09,290 --> 00:37:14,033
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING.

672
00:37:14,033 --> 00:37:16,569
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK
NATALIE PORTMAN AND CHEF DAVID

673
00:37:16,569 --> 00:37:20,974
CHANG, APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, FEATURING

674
00:37:20,974 --> 00:37:22,241
OUR PAL MARK ROBER.
BUT FIRST, HIS ALBUM IS CALLED

675
00:37:22,241 --> 00:37:26,279
"SOUTHERN SYMPHONY."
PLAYING "HOME SWEET,"

676
00:37:26,279 --> 00:37:34,253
RUSSELL DICKERSON!

677
00:37:34,253 --> 00:37:38,124
♪

678
00:37:38,124 --> 00:37:38,491
♪ TOUCHING DOWN

679
00:37:38,491 --> 00:37:41,794
FROM A SIX NIGHT HONEYMOON
SUN KISSED KIDS

680
00:37:41,794 --> 00:37:44,964
STILL DRUNK ON LOVE ♪

681
00:37:44,964 --> 00:37:46,265
♪ WENT FROM

682
00:37:46,265 --> 00:37:50,236
ALL‐INCLUSIVE
MARGARITAS IN MALIBU ♪

683
00:37:50,236 --> 00:37:53,606
♪ TO PRAYING WE COULD

684
00:37:53,606 --> 00:37:57,610
PAY RENT THIS MONTH
THAT DOORMAT SAYS WELCOME HOME ♪

685
00:37:57,610 --> 00:37:58,811
♪ BUT I THINK IT'S

686
00:37:58,811 --> 00:38:05,852
WHEREVER I'M WITH YOU
IT'S MORE THAN

687
00:38:05,852 --> 00:38:06,386
SOME BRICKS AND STONES ♪

688
00:38:06,386 --> 00:38:06,886
♪ NO THERE AIN'T

689
00:38:06,886 --> 00:38:10,757
NOTHING LIKE
HOME SWEET YOU AND ME ♪

690
00:38:10,757 --> 00:38:14,360
♪ AIN'T GOT MUCH

691
00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:17,830
BUT WE GOT ALL WE NEED
WHEREVER THE WIND BLOWS

692
00:38:17,830 --> 00:38:20,500
WHEREVER THIS LIFE GOES ♪

693
00:38:20,500 --> 00:38:20,900
♪ BABY ALL I KNOW

694
00:38:20,900 --> 00:38:27,106
AIN'T NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE

695
00:38:27,106 --> 00:38:33,846
HOME SWEET YOU AND ME ♪

696
00:38:33,846 --> 00:38:34,347
♪ YOUR LOVE IS LIKE

697
00:38:34,347 --> 00:38:38,351
A PORCH SWING ON SUNDAY
JUST AS GENTLE

698
00:38:38,351 --> 00:38:40,153
AS A SUMMER SUNRISE ♪

699
00:38:40,153 --> 00:38:40,486
♪ THEY SAY

700
00:38:40,486 --> 00:38:43,689
IT'S WHERE THE HEART IS
WELL MINE'S WITH YOU BABE ♪

701
00:38:43,689 --> 00:38:45,458
♪ LONG AS I GOT YOUR HAND

702
00:38:45,458 --> 00:38:50,296
I'M FINE YEAH
COULD BE WHITE BRICK

703
00:38:50,296 --> 00:38:53,399
AND PICKET FENCES ♪

704
00:38:53,399 --> 00:38:53,833
♪ OR SOME BUSTED

705
00:38:53,833 --> 00:38:59,839
AC HOTEL ROOM
IT'S ALL PICTURE PERFECT

706
00:38:59,839 --> 00:39:02,041
IF YOU'RE IN IT ♪

707
00:39:02,041 --> 00:39:02,442
♪ NO IT DON'T GET

708
00:39:02,442 --> 00:39:05,978
MUCH BETTER THAN
HOME SWEET YOU AND ME ♪

709
00:39:05,978 --> 00:39:09,782
♪ AIN'T GOT MUCH

710
00:39:09,782 --> 00:39:13,719
BUT WE GOT ALL WE NEED
WHEREVER THE WIND BLOWS

711
00:39:13,719 --> 00:39:14,353
WHEREVER THIS LIFE GOES ♪

712
00:39:14,353 --> 00:39:15,922
♪ BABY ALL I KNOW

713
00:39:15,922 --> 00:39:21,294
AIN'T NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

714
00:39:21,294 --> 00:39:21,727
♪ HOME SWEET

715
00:39:21,727 --> 00:39:22,395
NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

716
00:39:22,395 --> 00:39:25,031
♪ YOU AND ME

717
00:39:25,031 --> 00:39:26,599
NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

718
00:39:26,599 --> 00:39:27,934
♪ HOME SWEET

719
00:39:27,934 --> 00:39:30,269
NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

720
00:39:30,269 --> 00:39:33,272
♪ YOU AND ME

721
00:39:33,272 --> 00:39:35,842
NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

722
00:39:35,842 --> 00:39:36,576
♪ A QUARTER ACRE

723
00:39:36,576 --> 00:39:41,881
AND A TWO‐BED FARMHOUSE
POLAROID KISS

724
00:39:41,881 --> 00:39:42,548
WITH THE RED SOLD SIGN ♪

725
00:39:42,548 --> 00:39:45,718
♪ SITTING ON BOXES

726
00:39:45,718 --> 00:39:47,954
IN THE LIVING ROOM
LAUGHING AND CRYING ♪

727
00:39:47,954 --> 00:39:51,858
♪ JUST STARING AT THEM

728
00:39:51,858 --> 00:39:57,763
TWO PINK LINES HUH OOH YEAH ♪

729
00:39:57,763 --> 00:39:58,297
♪ TIME TO MAKE

730
00:39:58,297 --> 00:40:01,467
A LITTLE MORE ROOM IN OUR
HOME SWEET YOU AND ME ♪

731
00:40:01,467 --> 00:40:05,771
♪ YEAH WE GOT IT ALL

732
00:40:05,771 --> 00:40:09,976
AND YOU'RE STILL ALL I NEED
WHEREVER THE WIND BLOWS

733
00:40:09,976 --> 00:40:10,510
WHEREVER THIS LIFE GOES ♪

734
00:40:10,510 --> 00:40:13,079
♪ BABY ALL I KNOW

735
00:40:13,079 --> 00:40:17,917
AIN'T NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

736
00:40:17,917 --> 00:40:18,284
♪ HOME SWEET

737
00:40:18,284 --> 00:40:20,086
NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

738
00:40:20,086 --> 00:40:20,620
♪ YOU AND ME

739
00:40:20,620 --> 00:40:22,355
NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

740
00:40:22,355 --> 00:40:23,523
♪ HOME SWEET

741
00:40:23,523 --> 00:40:27,927
NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

742
00:40:27,927 --> 00:40:29,529
♪ YOU AND ME

743
00:40:29,529 --> 00:40:34,634
YEAH NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE ♪

744
00:40:34,634 --> 00:40:37,537
♪ NOTHING LIKE

745
00:40:37,537 --> 00:40:41,974
NOTHING LIKE NOTHING LIKE
NOTHING LIKE ♪

746
00:40:41,974 --> 00:40:45,474
♪