>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"!
TONIGHT ‐‐ JOHN MULANEY, RITA WILSON, AND MUSIC FROM DEVON
GILL FILLIAN. AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HI, EVERYONE, THANKS. IT'S TOO MUCH ALREADY.
I'M JIMMY, I'M HOST OF THE SHOW. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THE SHOW
ON GIVING TUESDAY, #GIVINGTUESDAY.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE USED TO BE TERRIBLE WITHOUT HASHTAGS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT SEEMS WEIRD TO HAVE GIVING TUESDAY AFTER EVERYBODY SPENT
ALL THEIR MONEY ON BLACK FRIDAY AND CYBER MONDAY AND GIVE ME
SOME OF THAT SATURDAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THAT'S HOW WE DO IT. AMERICA FIRST. THIS WAS NICE.
IN HONOR OF GIVING TUESDAY, JEFF BETH ZOES, FOUNDER OF AMAZON,
THE WORLD'S RICHEST MAN, GAVE HIS EMPLOYEES AN EXTRA 90
SECONDS TO USE THE BATHROOM TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO ONE HAD TO SPRINT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
THERE ARE SO MANY WORTHY PLACES TO SEND YOUR MONEY ON GIVING
TUESDAY, AND NONE LESS SO THAN THE DONALD J. TRUMP ELECTION
DEFENSE FUND. UNCLE SCAM HAS REPORTEDLY RAISED
$170 MILLION DOING THIS. SINCE THE ELECTION.
FOR WHAT I DON'T KNOW. HE KNOWS THE RESULTS AREN'T
GOING TO BE OVERTURNED BUT I GUESS HE SAW AN OPPORTUNITY TO
MAKE MONEY. IT'S LIKE SETTING UP YOUR BAKE
SALE OUTSIDE A CURVES, YOU KNOW?
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT MAYBE THAT'S THE REASON HI WON'T CONCEDE.
THIS IS DAY 28 OF SQUATTERGATE. HE'S STILL ROUSING RABBLE IN THE
VARIOUS SWING STATES. BUT THE FUTURE IS NOT ROSY FOR
THE PRESIDENT. HIS OWN ATTORNEY GENERAL TODAY,
WILLIAM BARR, DROPPED A DECEMBER SURPRISE ON HIM.
IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE AP, BARR SAID, WE HAVE NOT SEEN
FRAUD ON A SCALE THAT COULD HAVE EFFECT THE A DIFFERENT OUTCOME
IN THE ELECTION. BARR APPEARED TO THROW A JAB AT
TRUMP SAYING, THERE'S A GROWING TENDENCY TO USE THE CRIMINAL
JUSTICE SYSTEM AS A SORT OF DEFAULT FIX‐ALL WHEN PEOPLE
DON'T LIKE SOMETHING, THEY WANT THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE TO
COME IN AND INVESTIGATE. OH, MAN. IF BILL BARR HAD A NECK, TRUMP
WOULD TOTALLY BE WRINGING IT RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE DID CALL HIM INTO THE WHITE HOUSE.
WHAT'S LEFT OF TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM IMMEDIATELY PUT OUT A
STATEMENT THAT SAID, WE HAVE MANY WITNESSES SWEARING UNDER
OATH THEY SAW CRIMES BEING COMMITTED IN CONNECTION WITH
VOTER FRAUD. AS FAR AS WE KNOW NOT A SINGLE
ONE HAS BEEN INTERVIEWED BY THE DOJ.
WITH THE GREATEST RESPECT TO THE ATTORNEY GENERAL, HIS OPINION
APPEARS TO BE WITHOUT ANY KNOWLEDGE OR INVESTIGATION OF
THE SUBSTANTIAL IRREGULARITIES AND EVIDENCE OF SYSTEMIC FRAUD.
WOW. SO ‐‐ BILL BARR IS PART OF THE
CONSPIRACY TOO. IT GOES SO DEEP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA IT WENT THIS DEEP?
>> Guillermo: NO, JIMMY, NO.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?
>> Guillermo: I AM LISTENING TO YOU, YEAH, I AM, ALWAYS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WILLIAM BARR HAS BEEN ONE OF TRUMP'S MOST OBNOXIOUSLY
LOYAL ALLIES THROUGHOUT, EMPHASIS ON LIES IN ALLIES.
THIS WOULD BE LIKE IF THELMA TURNED ON LOUISE, LIKE IF YOU
TURNED ON MY, GUILLERMO, IT'S UNTHINKABLE.
APPARENTLY THIS ELECTION RULSE S TOO MUCH FOR EVEN BILL BARR.
THE GOVERNORS OF GEORGIA AND ARIZONA.
THE GOVERNOR OF ARIZONA, DOUG DOOCY, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO RIGHT NOW. TRUMP WANTS HIM TO JUST IGNORE
THE RESULT FTDS THE ELECTION AND DECLARE HIM THE WINNER IN
ARIZONA, WHICH THE GOVERNOR DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE POWER TO
DO. THESE TWO ARE OR WERE SO CLOSE
THAT TRUMP ‐‐ DOOCY GAVE TRUMP HIS OWN RING TONE ON HIS PHONE.
>> WE'VE HAD SO MUCH OUTREACH PERSONALLY FROM BOTH THE
PRESIDENT AND THE VICE PRESIDENT, THAT I HAD TO CHANGE
THE RING TONE ON MY PHONE. AND IT RINGS "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO MISS ANOTHER PHONE CALL DIRECTLY FROM
THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> Jimmy: SO THAT WAS BACK IN JULY. AND THIS WAS YESTERDAY.
WHEN DOOCY OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED THE RESULTS IN ARIZONA, WHICH
GAVE THE STATE TO JOE BIDEN. THEY BROADCAST THIS
CERTIFICATION LIVE. AND GUESS WHO CALLED RIGHT IN
THE MIDDLE OF HIM SIGNING IT?
[ "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT, "HAIL TO THE CHIEF."
[ APPLAUSE ]
I BELIEVE THE YOUNG PEOPLE CALL THAT GHOSTING.
AFTER BEING PUBLICLY SCREENED, THE PRESIDENT CALLED INTO A
HEARING IN ARIZONA ON THE SUBJECT OF VOTER FRAUD, TO DROP
A DOOCY ON DOUG.
>> ARIZONA WILL NOT FORGET WHAT DOOCY JUST DID, WE'RE NOT GOING
TO FORGET THE PEOPLE OF ARIZONA.
>> Jimmy: HE ALSO ANGRILY TWEETED ABOUT DOOCY MULTIPLE
TIMES. THIS GUY IS HIS FRIEND. NOW YOU SEE WHY HIS STUPID SONS
NEVER STOP KISSING HIS ASS. ONE WRONG WORD, THEY'RE OUGHT
TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOR ALL THE FAKE OUTRAGE HE'S SPEWING IN PUBLIC, CNN IS
REPORTING ONE OF TRUMP'S CLOSEST ADVISERS SAYS THE PRESIDENTSIES
THE WRITING ON THE WALL. WHAT WALL, THE ONE HE DIDN'T
BUILD TO KEEP THE CARAVANS OUT? I'M GLAD HE SEES THE WRITING.
ONCE HE LOST WISCONSIN FIVE TIMES IN TEN DAYS, HE REALIZED
THE END MIGHT BE NEAR. NOT ONLY HAS TRUMP LOST THE
ELECTION ARE HE LOST PAT ROBERTSON, WHO IF YOU DON'T KNOW
IS THE 400‐YEAR‐OLD HOST OF "THE 700 CLUB."
[ LAUGHTER ]
PAT NEARLY DIED COMING UP WITH THIS FOOTBALL ANALOGY EXPLAINING
WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> WHEN THE GAME IS ALL OVER AND THE ‐‐ THE TOTAL HAS BEEN
POSTED, HE SAYS, I'D LIKE YOU TO CHANGE THE SCORE.
AND THE PEOPLE SAY, NO, THE GAME'S OVER, YOU'VE LOST.
THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE, FOLKS.
>> Jimmy: I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THIS BUT THE WEIRD LITTLE
MUPPET IS RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT IS WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH, FOLKS.
OUR PRESIDENT‐ELECT WAS OUT AND ABOUT SHOWING OFF HIS BRAND‐NEW
ORTHOPEDIC BOOT.
>> MR. PRESIDENT‐ELECT, HOW DOES YOUR FOOT FEEL? HOW'S YOUR FOOT?
>> GOOD!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THANKS, BONIVA. IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY BORING
FOUR YEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TEAM BIDEN IS MOVING AHEAD WITH PLANS FOR HIS INAUGURATION WHICH
WILL REPORTEDLY BE SCALED DOWN BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC.
THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW MANY CARS THEY CAN FIT ON THE
WHITE HOUSE LAWN RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE DON'T KNOW IF TRUMP PLANS TO BE AT BIDEN'S INAUGURATION OR IF
HE'LL SPEND THE DAY WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN UNDER A McDONALD'S
SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM MACHINE. BUT WE STILL HAVE ALMOST TWO
MONTHS TO GO. TRUMP STILL HAS 50 DAYS IN
OFFICE. HE'S PRESIDENT FOR 50 ‐‐ WE
SHOULDN'T HAVE THIS MUCH TIME BETWEEN THE ELECTION AND THE
INAUGURATION. WE SHOULD TREAT THE WHITE HOUSE
LIKE IT'S AMERICA'S AIRBNB. LOSE THE ELECTION, CHECK OUT'S
11:00 A. M. NEXT MORNING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
STRIP THE SEATS, LEAVE THE KEYS UNDER THE MAT.
NEW PRESIDENT CHECKS IN AT 3:00. PARDON‐PALOOZA IS UNDER WAY.
LAST WEEK TRUMP GRANTED CLEMENCY TO HIS FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISER, MICHAEL FLYNN, A MAN WHO REPEATEDLY LIED TO THE FBI.
ACCORDING TO THE "NEW YORK TIMES," TRUMP'S CRIMINAL
ATTORNEY, RUDY GIULIANI, FLOATED THE IDEA OF GETTING A
PRESIDENTIAL PARDON TOO, FOR WHATEVER MIGHT HIT.
THAT SURPRISES ME. I ALWAYS ASSUME THAT WHEN THE
CLUCK STRUCK MIDNIGHT ON INAUGURATION DAY, RUDY WOULD
TURN BACK INTO A FERRET AND GO ABOUT HIS WAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
RUDY'S SPOKESPERSON SAID, MAYOR GIULIANI CANNOT COMMENT ON ANY
DISCUSSIONS HE HAS WITH HIS CLIENT. HE IS, HOWEVER, CURRENTLY
SCREAMING ABOUT MASSIVE BALLOT DUMPS IN THE PARKING LOT OF A
CHUCK E. CHEESE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS UPON US. WE STARTED OUR ADVENT CALENDAR
WITH THE KIDS THIS MORNING. HERE'S THE THING ABOUT ADVENT
CALENDARS. YOU FORGET. TURNS OUT 3‐YEAR‐OLDS DON'T
REALLY UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF ONLY OPENING ONE LITTLE DOOR PER
DAY TO GET THE TOY. SO WE ARE NOW IN FOR 25 DAYS OF
TORTURE LEADING UP TO JESUS' BIRTHDAY.
GUILLERMO, YOUR SON BENJI HAD A BIRTHDAY?
>> Guillermo: TODAY, HE'S 9 YEARS OLD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: DOES HE EVER WATCH YOU ON THE SHOW?
>> Guillermo: SOMETIMES HE DOES.
>> Jimmy: SOMETIMES HE DOES. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BENJI.
>> Guillermo: THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: GUILLERMO AND I HAVE AN ANNUAL HOLIDAY TRADITION WE
WERE DETERMINED TO CONTINUE EVEN THOUGH COVID IS HAPPENING.
EVER RYE YEAR WE DRESS UP AS SANTA'S LITTLE HELPERS TO FIND
OUT HOW THE KIDDIES ARE BEHAVING. THIS YEAR WE DID IT VIA VIDEO
CHAT.
>> Jimmy: HI, KIDS. HOW ARE YOU?
>> HI!
>> Jimmy: I'M ELF JIMMY AND THIS IS ELF GUILLERMO.
WE ARE HIRED BY SANTA CLAUS TO FIND OUT IF YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY
OR NICE THIS YEAR. WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?
>> DANIELLE AND NICHOLAS.
>> Jimmy: JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS, ST. NICHOLAS.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THE ONE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA AND YOU, NICHOLAS,
SANTA HAS ALL HIS TEETH. HOW MANY TEETH DID YOU LOSE IN
THE FRONT THERE?
>> TWO.
>> Jimmy: OKAY. WE'LL BRING YOU A COUPLE OF
THOSE.
>> THE TOOTH FAIRY TOOK THEM.
>> Jimmy: OH, WE KNOW THE TOOTH FAIRY.
REALLY WEIRD LADY, HAS PILES AND PILES OF TEETH ALL OVER HER
BACKYARD, VERY STRANGE. WE DON'T GO NEAR HER, AND YOU
SHOULD NOT EITHER. SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS. WHAT WE'VE HEARD IS ONE OF YOU
HAS BEEN NAUGHTY AND ONE HAS BEEN NICE.
WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS BEEN NICE? OH.
>> Guillermo: BOTH?
>> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT.
TELL US ABOUT SOME OF THE NAUGHTY THINGS THAT YOU'VE DONE
THIS YEAR.
>> MY SISTER PUNCHED ME.
>> Jimmy: OH!
>> Guillermo: WOW.
>> JUST PUNCHED ME. WALKING INTO MY SISTER ‐‐ I
THINK MY SISTER THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPWALKING.
>> Jimmy: SHE GOT SCARED AND PUNCHED YOU IN YOUR SLEEP?
>> TRYING TO WAKE HIM UP.
>> Jimmy: DANIELLE, TELL US ABOUT SOMETHING THAT NICK HAS
DONE WRONG THIS YEAR.
>> UM ‐‐
>> Jimmy: WHAT'S HE SAYING? WHAT'S HE WHISPERING?
>> THAT HE DIDN'T CLEAN HIS ROOM.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> I'M GOING TO CLEAN MY ROOM TODAY.
>> Jimmy: NICK, YOU'RE ACTUALLY TATTLING ON YOURSELF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE GOING TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM TODAY.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD. LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS. LET'S GET INTO IT. GO AHEAD.
>> I WANT A PUPPY AND ALL THE BOY STUFF.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> BUT NOT GIRL STUFF.
>> Jimmy: NO GIRL STUFF.
>> I WANT A LOL DREAM HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS.
>> Jimmy: TWO LOL DREAM HOUSES, ONE FOR NICK, AND ONE FOR
DANIELLE.
>> I DON'T WANT THAT!
>> HA HA HA.
>> Jimmy: YOU DON'T WANT THAT? OKAY.
>> THAT'S GIRL STUFF.
>> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
>> I WANT A DRONE THAT CAN FLY TO THE NORTH POLE AND GIVE YOU
GUYS A LETTER.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> Guillermo: WOW.
>> Jimmy: YOU WANT A DRONE THAT WILL FLY A LETTER TO US, THAT WE
CAN GIVE TO SANTA. AND WHAT WILL IT SAY IN THAT
LETTER?
>> SOME THINGS THAT HE WANTS FOR TOYS OR SOMETHING ‐‐
>> NO, NO, NOT THAT.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
>> I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO SANTA.
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT, CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
KIDS ALWAYS SEND LISTS TO SANTA OF THINGS THEY WANT.
AND THEY ALMOST NEVER SEND THANK YOU NOTES FOR THE THINGS THEY
GOT. AND I THINK THAT'S A REALLY NICE
THING TO DO. YOU KNOW, YOU COULD ALSO DROP IT
IN THE MAIL, YOU DON'T NECESSARILY NEED A DRONE TO SEND
A LETTER.
>> HE WAS GOING TO MAIL IT TO YOU GUYS.
>> Jimmy: YOU GUYS WOULD MAIL IT.
>> THE MAILMAN?
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> WHO WILL TAKE IT TO HIM? WHO WILL GO TO THE NORTH POLE TO
TAKE TO IT YOU GUYS AND THEN YOU GUYS CAN BRING IT TO SANTA?
>> Jimmy: WELL, THE MAILMAN. WE GET MAIL UP HERE.
>> I DON'T THINK THE MAILMAN WILL SURVIVE THE COLD.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, WE DO HAVE A LOT OF DEAD MAILMEN ON THE LAWN
RIGHT NOW, FROZEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT DON'T WORRY, IF YOU SEND A LETTER, IT WILL GET TO US, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: YOU CAN TRUST IN THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE. KIND OF.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, GUYS. WE GOT YOU A SURPRISE.
BECAUSE WE'VE HEARD YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD.
AND SO WE GOT YOU GIFTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
>> WHAT IS THIS?
>> Jimmy: OPEN IT RIGHT NOW.
YEAH.
>> THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN THE BOX!
>> Jimmy: WELL, YEAH, NO ‐‐ NICK IS HOLDING IT. IT'S A SOCK.
>> THERE'S ONLY ONE!
>> Jimmy: OH, WE'LL SEND YOU ANOTHER ONE.
>> SERIOUSLY?
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU GOT TO START SOMEWHERE, RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU CAN'T GO OUT AND PLAY WITH YOUR DRONE WITHOUT
SOCKS ON, CAN YOU?
>> THERE'S ONLY ONE SOCK, AND THERE'S TWO OF US, AND THERE'S
FOUR FEET ALTOGETHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WELL, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU'D BE SO GOOD AT MATH.
>> I KNOW 100 TIMES 100.
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS IT?
>> 1,000.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
>> 10,000.
>> Jimmy: OH, YOU GUYS WANT 10,000 SOCKS?
>> WHAT?
>> NO!
>> Jimmy: OKAY, WE'LL SEND 10,000 SOCKS TO YOUR HOUSE.
BYE, KIDS, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
>> NO!
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUT NO, NO, NO, 10,000 SOCKS, NO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, KIDS. WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. RITA WILSON IS HERE. WE'VE GOT MUSIC FROM DEVON
GILFILLIAN. BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN, STICK
AROUND!
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
TONIGHT, RITA WILSON IS WITH US. RITA WILSON GRABBED COVID BY THE
NECK AND CHOKED THE LIFE OUT OF IT VERY EARLY ON.
THEN LATER, HIS GRAMMY NOMINATED ALBUM IS CALLED "BLACK HOLE
RAINBOW." MUSIC FROM DEVON GILFILLIAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TOMORROW NIGHT, WHO'S ON TOMORROW NIGHT?
GEORGE CLOONEY IS ON TOMORROW NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND AMANDA SEYFRIED WITH MUSIC FROM TONES AND I.
ON THURSDAY, ZENDAYA AND DIEGO LUNA WITH PARIS JACKSON.
PLEASE JOIN US FOR ALL THAT. OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A
TWO‐TIME EMMY WINNER AND A VERY BRIGHT AND FUNNY YOUNG MAN.
STARTING FRIDAY HE RETURNS AS THE VOICE OF A PUBESCENT BOY
NAMED ANDREW ON SEASON 4 OF ONE OF THE DIRTIEST AND FUNNIEST
CARTOONS EVER, "BIG MOUTH" ON NETFLIX.
PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HEY, HEY, HOW ARE YOU, JIMMY? SORRY, I'M JUST ‐‐ I WAS JUST
READING "MAYOR," AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY ED KOCH.
>> Jimmy: VERY TIMELY.
>> I DO ‐‐ I JUST LIKE A GOOD BEACH READ.
YEAH, I LIKE WHEN SOMEONE WRITES AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY WHILE THEY'RE
MAYOR.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU ON THE WAVE RIGHT NOW? IS THAT WHERE YOU ARE?
>> MENTALLY, BABY. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A ZEN APPROACH
TO LIFE.
>> Jimmy: I FEEL LIKE, JOHN, YOU AND JOE BIDEN AND MAYBE LIKE DUA
LIPA ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAD A GOOD 2020.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU HOSTED "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" TWO TIMES THIS YEAR.
BY THE WAY, YOU WERE GREAT BOTH TIMES.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S NICE OF YOU.
>> Jimmy: FANTASTIC JOB.
>> I HOSTED FEBRUARY 29th, WHICH WAS A LEAP YEAR SHOW.
THEY'D NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE. AND THEN I THEN ‐‐ COVID CAME.
WELL, IT WAS ALREADY HERE, BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.
COVID HAPPENED. AND THEN I ‐‐ EVERYTHING WAS
CLOSED, AS YOU REMEMBER, AND THE AUDIENCE MIGHT RECALL TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN IN THE SUMMER, THINGS STARTED TO OPEN UP.
AND I DON'T NEED TO TAKE YOU THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BASICALLY, I DID THE SHOW, THE WORLD SHUT DOWN, THE WORLD
PARTIALLY OPENED UP, AND MY FIRST JOB BACK OF ANYTHING WAS
DOING THE SHOW AGAIN.
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU DID?
>> THAT WAS THE FIRST THING ‐‐ THAT WAS THE FIRST PROFESSIONAL
ENTERPRISE I UNDERTOOK SINCE THE PANDEMIC, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS ON HALLOWEEN. SO YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO GO
AND LIKE TRY OUT YOUR JOKES OR ANY OF THAT STUFF?
>> I DID. I DID EIGHT TIMES.
I WORKED ON THEM ALL. I RAN IT EIGHT TIMES IN
DIFFERENT FIELDS IN NEW JERSEY AND CONNECTICUT.
OUTDOOR RESTAURANTS. YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GAUGE AN
OUTDOOR CROWD, IT'S LIKE THE OCEAN.
YOU'RE LIKE ‐‐ THAT COULD BE CLAPPING.
YOU JUST HEAR KIND OF NOISE AND IT HAS A SLOW ROLL BACK AT YOU.
NOT PERFECT FOR RUNNING TIGHT JOKES FOR "SNL" MONOLOGUE.
BUT I WENT OUT AND ‐‐ ON TV AND I SAID THEM.
>> Jimmy: AND IT ‐‐ IT WORKED. I MEAN, EVERYONE SEEMED TO LOVE
IT. I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT. DID EVERYONE LOVE IT?
OR SOME PEOPLE WERE MAD AT YOU, AS I RECALL?
>> YES. AND WITH GOOD REASON, WITH GOOD
REASON. I HAD A JOKE ABOUT HOW WE HAD
THE ELECTION COMING UP. THIS WAS OCTOBER 31st.
NOVEMBER 3rd WAS ‐‐ AGAIN, I DON'T THINK I NEED TO TAKE THE
AUDIENCE THROUGH THIS, BUT I WILL ANYWAY.
NOVEMBER 3rd, THERE WAS A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
AND I HAD A JOKE, THE INTENTION OF THE JOKE WAS THAT SOME THINGS
WILL NEVER CHANGE. DESPITE THE WINNER.
AND THAT THE POOR WILL STILL SUFFER, THE RICH WILL CONTINUE
TO PROSPER, THE MENTALLY ILL AND THE DRUG ADDICTED WILL NOT BE
TAKEN CARE OF, JANE LYNCH WILL STILL BOOK GIG AFTER GIG AND DO
A GREAT JOB AT IT, LITTLE GIRLS WILL STILL WANT TO LEAVE A
SLEEPOVER BECAUSE THE OTHER GIRLS BULLIED HER, THEN SHE'LL
HAVE TO SIT UPSTAIRS AT THE DINNING ROOM TABLE OF THE DAD
WHO BULLIED HER AND WAIT FOR HER PARENTS.
IT WAS A VERY SMART JOKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I MADE ‐‐ IN THE SETUP I SAID, BASICALLY, LIKE NO MATTER
WHO WINS. WHICH I REALLY DIDN'T EVEN AGREE
WITH. I OFTEN SAY THINGS ON TV IN
FRONT OF 10 MILLION PEOPLE THAT, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST KIND OF
FLOATING AS IDEAS.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> BUT I ‐‐ I SHOULD HAVE SAID, I VERY MUCH WANT ONE TO WIN OVER
THE OTHER, AND THERE WILL BE IMPROVEMENTS. IF ONE WINS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I FLAT‐OUT ‐‐ LIKE I DESERVED THE BACKLASH.
I FLAT‐OUT FORGOT. I JUST FORGOT TO DO IT.
AND I NEVER ‐‐ LIKE I RAN THE JOKE IN LIKE A FIELD IN
CONNECTICUT. AND I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, LET'S
ROCK AND ROLL. I NEVER WAS LIKE, HEY, DON'T YOU
MEAN THAT ONE GUY'S WORSE THAN THE OTHER?
AND I FORGOT TO MAKE THE JOKE GOOD. SO THE BEGINNING WAS ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE BEGINNING WASN'T ‐‐ THE BEGINNING WAS, YOU KNOW, A
STRANGE THING TO TOSS OUT THERE. THREE DAYS BEFORE AN ELECTION IN
FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING, LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO WINS
BECAUSE, AND NOW I'LL GET TO THE JANE LYNCH JOKE.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT. YOU THOUGHT ‐‐
>> MY WIFE ‐‐ EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME WAS LIKE, WHAT THE HELL DID
YOU JUST SAY? AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT, NO GOOD,
NO GOOD? THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NOT
WORKING OUT THE WORDING OF A JOKE THAT YOU THEN DO ON
TELEVISION.
>> Jimmy: WELL, WHEN YOU'RE IN A FIELD, THINGS HAPPEN.
YOU CAN'T REALLY TRUST THE AUDIENCE IN A FIELD.
>> I NEVER SAID IT WAS A SHOW, I SAID I WAS IN A FIELD.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT.
>> TELLING JOKES AT PEOPLE. YEAH, THERE WAS A KID'S SOCCER
GAME. I BROUGHT SNACKS THAT WEEK, I
HAD ORANGE SLICES.
>> Jimmy: NOT ONLY WERE PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE TRUMP ANGRY AT YOU,
THEN ALSO PEOPLE WHO LIKE TRUMP WERE ANGRY AT YOU.
>> LESS SO THEM. BECAUSE THEY KIND OF LIKE THE ‐‐
THEY LIKE LOW VOTER TURNOUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IN FEBRUARY ‐‐ WHAT WAS A LITTLE STRANGE WAS, I'M LIKE A
DEMOCRAT, YOU KNOW, LIKE ‐‐ I LIKE PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, I'M GENERALLY HAPPY AND NOT DEEPLY ANGRY.
SO I'M A DEMOCRAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC ‐‐ THE LIBERAL PEOPLE.
BECAUSE I'M NOT LIKE ‐‐ MY DAD DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL, LIKE, NOT A
MAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO I'M TRYING TO PROVE HIM BY VOTING ‐‐ I'M A DEMOCRAT‐TYPE
PERSON. SO I WAS SURPRISED THAT MY ‐‐
WELL, I WASN'T SURPRISED WHEN I REALIZED HOW BAD THE WORDING WAS.
BUT YEAH, PEOPLE TO THE LEFT CAME AFTER ME THIS LAST MONTH.
BUT IN FEBRUARY I DID A JOKE THAT WAS NOT ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.
THE JOKE WAS ABOUT HOW IT WAS A LEAP YEAR, AND LEAP YEAR HAD
BEEN STARTED BY JULIUS CESAR TO CORRECT THE CALENDAR, AND
ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENED WITH CESAR WAS THAT HE WAS STABBED TO
DEATH BY A BENCH OF SENATORS BECAUSE HE WENT CRAZY.
AND I SAID, THAT'S AN INTERESTING THING THAT COULD
HAPPEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND I JUST DID IT AGAIN, WHICH IS VERY ‐‐ WHICH I'M REALIZING
IN THE MOMENT, I JUST TOLD IT AGAIN.
I GOT IN ‐‐ A LOT OF, LIKE, MAGAZINES THAT I DON'T THINK
EXISTED BEFORE, CALLED ‐‐ LIKE PATRIOTIC MAGAZINES THAT JUST
SUDDENLY WERE ON TWITTER, YOU KNOW.
JUST LIKE "BALD EAGLE MONTHLY." LIKE, "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!"
SO WHAT ALSO HAPPENED WAS, THERE'S A SERVICE THAT OPERATES
FOR THE PRESIDENT. AND THEY'RE SECRET.
>> Jimmy: OH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THEY'RE A SECRET SERVICE. AND THEY ‐‐
>> Jimmy: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM?
>> THEY ‐‐ BECAUSE THEY INVESTIGATED ME.
AND I GUESS THEY OPENED A FILE ON ME BECAUSE OF THE JOKE.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> AND I HAVE TO SAY, THERE WAS A ‐‐ AM I STOKED THERE'S A FILE
OPEN ON ME? ABSOLUTELY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DID I ENJOY IT IN THE MOMENT? NOT SO MUCH.
BUT THE PERSON VETTING ME SAID ‐‐ WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING
THAT THIS ‐‐ THAT THE JOKE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DONALD TRUMP.
AND THAT ‐‐ BECAUSE IT WAS ‐‐ IT WAS AN ELLIPTICAL REFERENCE TO
HIM. IT WASN'T ‐‐ I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
>> Jimmy: I'M NOT WITH THE SECRET SERVICE, DON'T WORRY,
YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE HERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, I ALSO THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY WHEN HE GOT COVID, YOU
KNOW, PEOPLE ON THE NEWS WOULD BE LIKE, DAY FIVE OF HOPING
SOMEONE GETS WORSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, THE TONE OF THE NEWS WAS LIKE, OH, FLUIDS ARE LOW!
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I LOVE THE NEWS AND I LOVE THE LEFT‐WING AND I LOVE
DEMOCRATS. SO ‐‐ WHAT WAS I GOING TO SAY?
SO THEY WERE VERY NICE IN THE INTERVIEW.
I DON'T THINK THEY ‐‐ IN TERMS OF RISK ASSESSMENT, NO ONE WHO'S
EVER LOOKED AT ME HAS THOUGHT I REGISTERED ABOVE A 1.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO THEY SAID, NOW IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WE SHOULD KNOW
ABOUT? AND I WAS LIKE ‐‐ I WAS LIKE,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THEY'RE LIKE, ANYTHING ELSE?
AND I WAS LIKE, DO YOU MEAN LIKE ANYTHING BAD I'VE DONE?
AND THEY WERE LIKE, WE DON'T MEAN ANYTHING BAD YOU'VE DONE.
I WAS GOING TO TELL THEM I SNIFFED GLUE WHEN I WAS A KID
AND STUFF. BUT I'M CLEARED BY THE SECRET
SERVICE. I'VE BEEN TOLD. AT THE SAME TIME, MY WIFE WAS
DOING ‐‐ SHE WAS WORKING ON A PROJECT FOR THE SMITHSONIAN DOWN
IN D. C. SO WE HAD AN APARTMENT DOWN
THERE, AND I WAS LIVING IN D. C. IT'S WHERE WE ENDED UP
QUARANTINING. AND I FAILED TO REALIZE THAT
AFTER BEING INVESTIGATED ‐‐ AFTER TELLING THE SECRET SERVICE
THEY HAD NOTHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT, THAT I HAD LEASED AN
APARTMENT FOR ONE YEAR IN WASHINGTON, D. C.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THAT APARTMENT WAS ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE SECRET
SERVICE BUILDING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH MY GOODNESS.
>> SO WE HAD ‐‐ IT HAD A VIBE, IT HAD A PLANNED VIBE TO IT.
BY THE WAY, THAT WE ALL KNOW IT'S THE SECRET SERVICE
BUILDING, AGAIN, NOT SO SECRET.
>> Jimmy: JOHN MULANEY. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL SEE A
LITTLE BIT, A SMIDGEN OF THE NEW SEASON OF "BIG MOUTH" WHICH
PREMIERES FRIDAY ON NETFLIX. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Dicky: PORTIONS OF "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" ARE BROUGHT TO YOU
BY AFFIRM. FLEXIBLE AND TRANSPARENT PAYMENT
ALTERNATIVE TO CREDIT CARDS AT RETAILERS LIKE WILLIAMS AND
SONOMA AND NORDSTROM.
>>> THIS IS JESSE'S NEW BOYFRIEND, I GUESS?
>> OH LORD THIS GUY'S SENSUAL AND DEEP.
IF I'M DIANE LANE I AM CHEATING ON MY MEAN OLD HUSBAND WITH THIS
ONE.
>> SPRAY PAINTING SHIRTLESS?
>> IT'S LIKE, DITCH THE PANTS ALREADY.
>> IS HE SWEATING IN THAT PICTURE?
CLICK ON THAT, SCREEN GRAB IT, EMAIL IT TO MY SECRET ACCOUNT
AND DELETE FROM IT "SENT" ITEMS.
>> JESSE, WE SHOULD ALL MEET UP IN THE CITY.
>> IF WE'RE FORCED TO MEET MICHELANGELO, GET IT OVER WITH.
>> HE'LL SIT ON YOUR CHEST, YOU'LL SIT ON HIS, WHO CARES?
>> Jimmy: JOHN MULANEY AND NICK KROLL IN "BIG MOUTH" ON NETFLIX.
SUCH A FUNNY SHOW.
>> ALL CREDIT TO NICK KROLL AND ANDREW GOLDBERG FOR CREATING
THAT, AND MARK AND JEN, I JUST DO VOICE.
I USE MY VOICE, MY BEAUTIFUL VOICE, TO PLAY A HORNY CHILD.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU LIKE USING YOUR VOICE TO PLAY A HORNY CHILD?
>> I REALLY LIKE DOING VOICE‐OVER STUFF.
I REALLY, REALLY ENJOY IT. BECAUSE IT'S EASY.
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET ‐‐ YOU KNOW, YOU WALK INTO LIKE A ‐‐
ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT. EXCEPT FOR THE PERFORMANCE IS
REQUIRED. THE ONE THING THAT'S A LITTLE ‐‐
NOT FRUSTRATING, BUT ONE THING THAT I REALIZE AGAIN AND AGAIN I
HAVE TO DO IS, BECAUSE HE'S A HORNY CHILD, HE IS OFTEN
ACHIEVING SATISFACTION IN HIS OWN ROOM, THIS BOY.
HE'S MASTURBATING.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, RIGHT, YEAH. I'M FAMILIAR WITH IT.
>> YOU WERE SORT OF LOOKING AT ‐‐ YOUR EXPRESSION, I
WONDERED IF YOU NEEDED MORE CONTENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I'VE READ ABOUT IT, YEAH.
>> SO I HAPPEN TO MAKE A LOT OF ‐‐ UGHH! OR ‐‐ DUHH!
THAT TYPE NOISE. THAT'S THE NOISE THAT PEOPLE
MAKE, I GUESS. SO FOR THE VERISIMILITUDE ‐‐ IS
THAT THE WORD? IT'S IMPORTANT TO GET IT CORRECT.
WE'RE IN SEASON 4 NOW AND I'VE BEEN MAKING CLIMAXING NOISES FOR
LIKE 3 1/2 YEARS. AND NOW WHEN THEY ASK FOR THEM
I'M LIKE, DON'T YOU HAVE LIKE A BANK OF THESE ALREADY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
DON'T YOU HAVE, LIKE, 100 YOU CAN CHOOSE FROM?
I'M STILL STANDING HERE GOING, OH, YEAH OH, YEAH, GUHH!
THEY'RE LIKE COULD YOU DO IT WITH A QUESTION MARK AT THE END?
[ LAUGHTER ]
THOSE ARE ALL EFFORTS. WHEN YOU'VE DONE VOICE‐OVER ‐‐
HAVE YOU DONE ‐‐ WHEN THEY CALL IT EFFORTS?
>> Jimmy: I HATE DOING THE NOISES, YES.
NOW YOU'RE RUNNING, NOW YOU'RE PANTING.
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT.
>> I'M LIKE, I'M NOT AN ACTOR, YOU KNOW?
I TOOK THIS BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO GET DRESSED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M NOT SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO TALK WHILE RUNNING.
>> Jimmy: WELL, JOHN, EVERYTHING YOU DO IS GREAT.
I HONESTLY MEAN THAT. I THANK YOU FOR BEING ON THE
SHOW TONIGHT. SEASON 4 OF "BIG MOUTH"
PREMIERES FRIDAY ON NETFLIX. JOHN MULANEY, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU, BUY IT IN STORES NOW.
>> Jimmy: BE BACK WITH RITA WILSON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. RITA WILSON AND DEVON GILFILLIAN
ARE ON THE THE WAY. THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO GET
OFF MY CHEST. I BOUGHT A PURCHASE AND I'M
UPSET ABOUT IT. WHAT I BOUGHT WAS A TURTLE.
>> Guillermo: I AM THE TURTLE.
>> Jimmy: HE IS THE TURTLE. HE SEEMS GREAT, SEEMS LIKE A
GOOD TURTLE. WHEN YOU EXAMINE HIM CLOSELY,
LOOK AT THIS FINE PRINT. TURTLE OWNER AGREES TO
ADMINISTER THREE WAXES TO SHELL A DAY.
TURTLE OWNER AGREES THAT TURTLE WILL SLEEP IN OR ON TOP OF OWNER
BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 10 P. M. AND 7 A. M. IN?
>> Guillermo: YEP.
>> Jimmy: CANNOT BE COMBINED WITH OTHER TURTLES OR REPTILES.
SOME RESTRICTIONS APPLY. OWNER SHALL PAY THE TURTLE $40?
>> Guillermo: IT IS A HIDDEN FEE.
>> Jimmy: I HATE THOSE. YOU DON'T WANT TO GET FOOLED BY
FINE PRINT. PAY WITH A FIRM. T AFFIRM, THE ALTERNATIVE TO
CREDIT CARDS, AVAILABLE AT THOUSANDS OF RETAILERS AND
DOESN'T CHARGE HIDDEN FEES. IT SAYS HERE OWNER MUST FEED THE
TURTLE CABBAGE.
>> Guillermo: THAT'S RIGHT. AND IF YOU DON'T, YOU WILL HEAR
FROM MY ATTORNEYS.
>> Jimmy: AND HOW'S THE CABBAGE?
>> Guillermo: I LOVE IT.
>> Dicky: AFFIRM IS GIVING AWAY $10,000 EACH TO 100 PEOPLE WHO
SUBMIT READINGS OF SNEAKY FINE PRINT. GO TO
WWW.AFFIRM.COM/GIFTSTHATGOTCHAS FOR RULES AND REQUIREMENTS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. TH MUSIC FROM DEVON GILFILLIAN IS
ON THE WAY. OUR NEXT GUEST GRADUATED WITHIN
50 YARDS OF THIS STUDIO. GREW UP TO BECOME A FAMOUS
ACTRESS, PRODUCER, SINGER. HER SINGLES "EVERYBODY CRIES"
AND I WANT TO KISS BOB DYLAN" ARE OUT NOW.
PLEASE WELCOME RITA WILSON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME. RITA, CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU
ANY FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT.
>> I KNOW.
>> Jimmy: BECAUSE YOU MUST BE BRIMMING WITH ANTIBODIES RIGHT
NOW.
>> I STILT HAVE ANTIBODIES. AND I GET TESTED EVERY COUPLE OF
MONTHS BECAUSE WE'RE PART OF A PROGRAM AT UCLA AND THEY TEST US.
SO FAR WE STILL HAVE THEM. THEY DIMINISH AS YOU GET FARTHER
AWAY FROM YOUR INFECTION.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> BUT THEY'RE STILL THERE HELPING US OUT.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S GREAT. YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SAY ‐‐ FIRST
OF ALL, IS IT WEIRD FOR YOU TO COME HERE WHEN YOU GRADUATED
HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT THERE?
>> NO, WHAT'S WEIRD, I WENT TO HOLLYWOOD HIGH, AS YOU KNOW,
RIGHT THERE, LITERALLY IN THE ALLEY.
AND THE WEIRD THING WAS THAT OUR TEAM WAS CALLED THE SHEIKHS.
WHICH WAS ALSO THE NAME OF THE CONDOMS.
>> Jimmy: MINE WAS THE TROJANS IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, THEY'RE LIKE, OH, NO WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE
THIS. THEY CHANGES IT TO THE TITANS.
WHICH UNBEKNOWNST TO THEM IS ALSO A CONDOM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WAIT, THAT IS SO WEIRD. BECAUSE THERE'S A SCHOOL, I
THINK FAIRFAX HIGH SCHOOL, AND THEIR MASCOT IS THE MAGNUMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE MAGNUMS, RIGHT. AND IN ‐‐ I THINK GUILLERMO IN
NORTHRIDGE, THEY'RE JUST CALLED THE RUBBERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
SO YOU HAVE MADE ‐‐ YOU HAVE TWO SINGLES OUT NOW.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: ONE COMING OUT ON FRIDAY, CORRECT?
>> RIGHT.
>> Jimmy: WHAT'S THE ONE COMING OUT ON FRIDAY?
>> THE ONE COMING OUT ON FRIDAY IS "PRAY POR PEACE."
>> Jimmy: DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOING TO WORK?
>> I'M GOING TO PRAY FOR IT. WE'RE GOING TO PRAY FOR IT.
WELL, SOUNDS GOOD.
>> Jimmy: "PRAY FOR PEACE." WE HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.
>> I KNOW, EXACTLY, THAT'S WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO.
>> Jimmy: "I WANT TO KISS BOB DYLAN," YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW
WHO COULD DO THAT, YOU HAVE THE ANTIBODIES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KISS BOB DYLAN?
IT LOOKS LIKE HE HASN'T EVER BRUSHED HIS TEETH.
>> NO! FIRST OF ALL, YOU KNOW THAT
CAN'T BE TRUE. BOB DYLAN HAS HAD A LOT OF
LADIES IN HIS LIFE.
>> Jimmy: I'M SURE HE HAS.
>> HERE'S THE THING, IT'S LIKE A METAPHORICAL KISSING OF BOB
DYLAN.
>> Jimmy: I SEE.
>> LIKE IT'S THE ESSENCE ‐‐ AS I WAS LISTENING TO "TIME OUT OF
MIND," THAT ALBUM, I WAS STRUCK BY HOW VULNERABLE HE WAS.
HE MUST HAVE JUST GONE THROUGH A BAD BREAKUP OR SOMETHING.
AND I STARTED GETTING INTO THE MUSIC THINKING, OH MY GOD, LOOK,
HE'S SO ROMANTIC. HE'S STANDING UNDER A DOORWAY,
HE'S SINGING TO THIS WOMAN, HE WANTS HER TO COME BACK.
I WANT TO KISS BOB DYLAN, THAT GUY WHO'S LIKE WRITING THE SONGS.
BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW PEOPLE ARE NOT THE WAY THEY REALLY ARE IN
REAL LIFE.
>> Jimmy: NO, THEY'RE NOT.
>> ONE TIME I DID MEET HIM.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID?
>> YES, AND I SHOOK HIS HAND. BUT HE DID THIS FUNNY HANDSHAKE.
LIKE WHERE HE DIDN'T ‐‐ LIKE HIS HAND DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> IT WAS JUST THERE. SO I THOUGHT, MAYBE HE'S DOING
THAT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT ANYBODY TO SQUEEZE HIS HAND.
BUT I WAS LIKE ‐‐ NO, BECAUSE IF SOMEBODY SQUEEZED HIS HAND
THEY'D STILL SQUEEZE HIS HAND. BUT IT WAS JUST SITTING THERE.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD THOSE HANDSHAKES?
>> Jimmy: I HAVE HAD THOSE. AND I WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT
THAT IS HOW BOB DYLAN SHAKES HANDS.
AND I UNDERSTAND NOW WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO JUST KISS HIM
INSTEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BECAUSE THERE'S LITTLE MORE DISTURBING THAN GETTING THAT
HANDSHAKE, THAT NOTHING, FISH HANDSHAKE.
IN ADDITION TO SINGING, WHICH I KNOW IS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOVE
TO DO.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: WHICH DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR SIDE JOB? ACTING, SINGING?
>> THEY'RE SO DIFFERENT. THEY'RE BOTH LIKE MY MAIN JOBS.
BECAUSE I WORK TWO JOBS, PUT IT THAT WAY.
>> Jimmy: ON TOP OF IT, YOU ACTUALLY MADE THE COVER ART
YOURSELF.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: THERE'S BOB DYLAN.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: YOU PAINTED THIS. WHAT PAINTS DID YOU USE,
WATERCOLOR?
>> I USED WATERCOLOR. BOB DYLAN, THIS IS ALSO HOMAGE
TO BOB DYLAN. IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE I'M A
STALKER OF BOB DYLAN.
>> Jimmy: MAYBE YOU ARE.
>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW BOB DYLAN EVEN KNOWS ABOUT THE SONG.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> IT'S LIKE WORK, HE KNOW ABOUT THE SONG? I DON'T KNOW.
DOES BOB DYLAN KNOW ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS?
>> Jimmy: DOES BOB DYLAN KNOW ABOUT STUFF? THAT'S THE THING.
>> DOES HE KNOW, OH, PEOPLE ARE WRITING SONGS ABOUT ME, SOME
LADY WANTS TO KISS ME? I DON'T KNOW.
>> Jimmy: IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED.
BUT IT'S PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME A BIG STAR WROTE A SONG LIKE
THIS. OH, YOU TAGGED HIM?
>> LIKE MAYBE A THOUSAND TIMES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, IT WASN'T SO BAD.
>> Jimmy: WHAT DID YOU DIAGNOSE HIM ON, INSTAGRAM?
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: HE HAS INSTAGRAM?
>> BOB DYLAN HAS LIKE HIS OFFICIAL INSTAGRAM.
>> Jimmy: AH.
>> IT'S NOT LIKE BOB DYLAN'S SITTING THERE GOING, HEY, MAN,
LOOK AT ME, I'M DRIVING DOWN SUNSET BOULEVARD WITH SOME PALM
TREES, YOU KNOW, HE'S NOT DOING THAT. THE SHEIKHS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WONDER IF HE'S USING THOSE HANDS OF HIS TO TEXT, TO
DO ANY OF THAT. THERE'S NO 28, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
>> THAT'S WHY HE'S PROTECTING HIS HANDS, BECAUSE OF PAINTING.
>> Jimmy: FOR INSTAGRAM?
>> NO, HE WANTS TO PROTECT HIS HANDS, HE CAN'T DO INSTAGRAM,
BECAUSE THE THUMBS WOULD GET TOO ‐‐
>> Jimmy: NOW YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM WHAT IS YOU'RE
DOING.
>> YES, I AM. I LOVE BOB DYLAN.
I EVEN HAD A DREAM ABOUT HIM.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID? RECENTLY?
>> YEAH, WE WERE BUDLIES ARE IN THE DREAM WE WERE BUDDIES.
I WAS AT HIS HOUSE. IT WAS LIKE A MEDITERRANEAN
HOUSE. IT WAS BIG, FLUFFY COUCHES AND
DOGS. AND HE WAS LIKE, HEY, MAN! WE WERE BUDDIES.
OH MY GOD, THIS IS SOUNDING SO CRAY‐CRAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOUR INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT, YOU PUT SOME GOOD STUFF
ON THERE. YOU PUT THIS ‐‐ WE HAVE A
COMMERCIAL THAT YOU PUT ON, LET'S RUN THAT.
>> OH NO.
>> PLANNING A BIG OUTDOOR PARTY THAT BECOMES A BIG INDOOR PARTY.
♪ NERVOUS IS WHY YOU NEED SOFT
AND DRI.
>> NOTHING KEEPS YOU DRIER WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: BOY, I REMEMBER THAT JINGLE FOR SURE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I REMEMBER THAT PARTICULAR COMMERCIAL.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT DAY?
>> I DO REMEMBER THAT DAY. BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A
POOL PARTY. AND WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
WEARING BATHING SUITS. THEN THEY MADE ME PUT THAT
LITTLE SHIRT ON OVER IT. BECAUSE MAYBE IT WAS JUST A
LITTLE ‐‐
>> Jimmy: TOO SEXY FOR TELEVISION?
>> MAYBE A LITTLE TOO SEXY.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU GOT PAID FOR THAT
COMMERCIAL?
>> IT WAS ‐‐ I DON'T REMEMBER HOW MUCH I GOT PAID.
PROBABLY ACTOR'S SCALE. BUT IT WAS A NATIONAL
COMMERCIAL, SO YOU MAKE A TON OF RESIDUALS ON THAT STUFF.
THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE YOU SIT AT HOME AND CHECKS COME IN, IN THE
OLDEN DAYS, I DON'T THINK IT WORKS THAT WAY ANYMORE.
>> Jimmy: DID THEY GIVE YOU FREE DEODORANT?
>> NO.
>> Jimmy: OH, WOW.
>> WOW.
>> Jimmy: THEY MISMANAGED THE CO COMPANY.
>> MAYBE.
>> Jimmy: IS SOFT AND DRI AROUND ANYMORE?
>> I THINK IT'S FAILED. BAD BUSINESS PRACTICES.
>> Jimmy: IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU. "EVERYBODY DCRIES" AND "I WANT O
KISS BOB DYLAN." AND "PRAY FOR PEACE" ON FRIDAY.
>> Dicky: THE JIMMY KIMMEL
CONCERT SERIES IS PRESENTED BY
MERCED MERCEDES‐BENZ, THE BEST IS NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: THANKS TO JOHN MULANEY AND RITA WILSON, APOLOGIES TO
MATT DAMON. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, BUT FIRST,
HIS ALBUM IS CALLED "BLACK HOLE RAINBOW" WITH THE SONG "THE GOOD
LIFE" ‐‐ DEVON GILFILLIAN!
♪
♪ HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY
TROUBLE WAS SO FAR AWAY MAKING CASTLES IN THE SAND ♪
♪ EVERYONE A DIFFERENT SHADE
BUT EVERYBODY WAS THE SAME WHEN THE LION KISSED
THE LAMB ♪
♪ SO IT SEEMS
IN MY DREAMS MAY IT BE ♪
♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT
THAT GOOD LIFE
I CAN SEE ♪
♪ ALL THE COLORS SHOW US
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS
TO BE BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ REMEMBER WHEN THE
VIOLENCE STOPPED ALL THE DOORS WERE LEFT UNLOCKED ♪
♪ AND THE STRANGER WAS YOUR
BROTHER ♪
♪ REMEMBER WHEN THE
BANK GOT SOLD AND EVERYBODY TOOK THEIR GOLD ♪
♪ AND EVERYBODY HELPED
EACH OTHER ♪
♪ SO IT SEEMS
IN MY DREAMS MAY IT BE ♪
♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT
THAT GOOD LIFE
I CAN SEE ♪
♪ ALL THE COLORS SHOW
US WHAT IT REALLY MEANS TO BE BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT
THAT GOOD LIFE WHEN WE ALL HAVE PEACE ♪
♪ WE DON'T SHUT OUR DOORS
AND TELL THEM ALL TO LEAVE
‘CAUSE THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ COME ON WE GOTTA ACT
A LOVE ATTACK TAKE YOUR MIND BACK IN TIME
REWIND TO EDEN ♪
♪ WHERE WE CAN FIND PEACE
LORD IF WE'RE JUST BELIEVING ♪
♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT
THAT GOOD LIFE
I CAN SEE ♪
♪ ALL THE COLORS SHOW US
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS
TO BE BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT
THAT GOOD LIFE
WHEN WE ALL HAVE PEACE ♪
♪ WE DON'T SHUT OUR DOORS
AND TELL THEM ALL TO LEAVE
‘CAUSE THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪