1 00:00:01,784 --> 00:00:03,354 >> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"! 2 00:00:03,354 --> 00:00:10,127 TONIGHT ‐‐ JOHN MULANEY, RITA WILSON, AND MUSIC FROM DEVON 3 00:00:10,127 --> 00:00:13,664 GILL FILLIAN. AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL! 4 00:00:13,664 --> 00:00:14,465 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 5 00:00:14,465 --> 00:00:21,205 >> Jimmy: HI, EVERYONE, THANKS. IT'S TOO MUCH ALREADY. 6 00:00:21,205 --> 00:00:24,908 I'M JIMMY, I'M HOST OF THE SHOW. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING THE SHOW 7 00:00:24,908 --> 00:00:27,611 ON GIVING TUESDAY, #GIVINGTUESDAY. 8 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:30,815 CAN YOU BELIEVE WE USED TO BE TERRIBLE WITHOUT HASHTAGS? 9 00:00:30,815 --> 00:00:31,148 [ LAUGHTER ] 10 00:00:31,148 --> 00:00:34,952 IT SEEMS WEIRD TO HAVE GIVING TUESDAY AFTER EVERYBODY SPENT 11 00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:37,187 ALL THEIR MONEY ON BLACK FRIDAY AND CYBER MONDAY AND GIVE ME 12 00:00:37,187 --> 00:00:38,356 SOME OF THAT SATURDAY. 13 00:00:38,356 --> 00:00:38,689 [ LAUGHTER ] 14 00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:41,225 BUT THAT'S HOW WE DO IT. AMERICA FIRST. THIS WAS NICE. 15 00:00:41,225 --> 00:00:45,195 IN HONOR OF GIVING TUESDAY, JEFF BETH ZOES, FOUNDER OF AMAZON, 16 00:00:45,195 --> 00:00:49,767 THE WORLD'S RICHEST MAN, GAVE HIS EMPLOYEES AN EXTRA 90 17 00:00:49,767 --> 00:00:51,902 SECONDS TO USE THE BATHROOM TODAY. 18 00:00:51,902 --> 00:00:52,436 [ LAUGHTER ] 19 00:00:52,436 --> 00:00:54,138 NO ONE HAD TO SPRINT. 20 00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:54,471 [ APPLAUSE ] 21 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:58,442 THERE ARE SO MANY WORTHY PLACES TO SEND YOUR MONEY ON GIVING 22 00:00:58,442 --> 00:01:02,413 TUESDAY, AND NONE LESS SO THAN THE DONALD J. TRUMP ELECTION 23 00:01:02,413 --> 00:01:07,084 DEFENSE FUND. UNCLE SCAM HAS REPORTEDLY RAISED 24 00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:09,686 $170 MILLION DOING THIS. SINCE THE ELECTION. 25 00:01:09,686 --> 00:01:12,156 FOR WHAT I DON'T KNOW. HE KNOWS THE RESULTS AREN'T 26 00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,758 GOING TO BE OVERTURNED BUT I GUESS HE SAW AN OPPORTUNITY TO 27 00:01:14,758 --> 00:01:17,528 MAKE MONEY. IT'S LIKE SETTING UP YOUR BAKE 28 00:01:17,528 --> 00:01:20,064 SALE OUTSIDE A CURVES, YOU KNOW? 29 00:01:20,064 --> 00:01:20,397 [ LAUGHTER ] 30 00:01:20,397 --> 00:01:24,568 BUT MAYBE THAT'S THE REASON HI WON'T CONCEDE. 31 00:01:24,568 --> 00:01:28,806 THIS IS DAY 28 OF SQUATTERGATE. HE'S STILL ROUSING RABBLE IN THE 32 00:01:28,806 --> 00:01:31,775 VARIOUS SWING STATES. BUT THE FUTURE IS NOT ROSY FOR 33 00:01:31,775 --> 00:01:33,944 THE PRESIDENT. HIS OWN ATTORNEY GENERAL TODAY, 34 00:01:33,944 --> 00:01:37,347 WILLIAM BARR, DROPPED A DECEMBER SURPRISE ON HIM. 35 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,551 IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE AP, BARR SAID, WE HAVE NOT SEEN 36 00:01:40,551 --> 00:01:45,823 FRAUD ON A SCALE THAT COULD HAVE EFFECT THE A DIFFERENT OUTCOME 37 00:01:45,823 --> 00:01:48,158 IN THE ELECTION. BARR APPEARED TO THROW A JAB AT 38 00:01:48,158 --> 00:01:50,961 TRUMP SAYING, THERE'S A GROWING TENDENCY TO USE THE CRIMINAL 39 00:01:50,961 --> 00:01:54,498 JUSTICE SYSTEM AS A SORT OF DEFAULT FIX‐ALL WHEN PEOPLE 40 00:01:54,498 --> 00:01:57,267 DON'T LIKE SOMETHING, THEY WANT THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE TO 41 00:01:57,267 --> 00:02:01,071 COME IN AND INVESTIGATE. OH, MAN. IF BILL BARR HAD A NECK, TRUMP 42 00:02:01,071 --> 00:02:01,939 WOULD TOTALLY BE WRINGING IT RIGHT NOW. 43 00:02:01,939 --> 00:02:05,609 [ LAUGHTER ] 44 00:02:05,609 --> 00:02:07,244 HE DID CALL HIM INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. 45 00:02:07,244 --> 00:02:10,080 WHAT'S LEFT OF TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM IMMEDIATELY PUT OUT A 46 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:13,684 STATEMENT THAT SAID, WE HAVE MANY WITNESSES SWEARING UNDER 47 00:02:13,684 --> 00:02:17,888 OATH THEY SAW CRIMES BEING COMMITTED IN CONNECTION WITH 48 00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:20,557 VOTER FRAUD. AS FAR AS WE KNOW NOT A SINGLE 49 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,192 ONE HAS BEEN INTERVIEWED BY THE DOJ. 50 00:02:22,192 --> 00:02:24,795 WITH THE GREATEST RESPECT TO THE ATTORNEY GENERAL, HIS OPINION 51 00:02:24,795 --> 00:02:26,964 APPEARS TO BE WITHOUT ANY KNOWLEDGE OR INVESTIGATION OF 52 00:02:26,964 --> 00:02:31,034 THE SUBSTANTIAL IRREGULARITIES AND EVIDENCE OF SYSTEMIC FRAUD. 53 00:02:31,034 --> 00:02:33,670 WOW. SO ‐‐ BILL BARR IS PART OF THE 54 00:02:33,670 --> 00:02:35,773 CONSPIRACY TOO. IT GOES SO DEEP. 55 00:02:35,773 --> 00:02:36,106 [ LAUGHTER ] 56 00:02:36,106 --> 00:02:39,209 DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA IT WENT THIS DEEP? 57 00:02:39,209 --> 00:02:40,878 >> Guillermo: NO, JIMMY, NO. 58 00:02:40,878 --> 00:02:42,746 >> Jimmy: ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING? 59 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:45,349 >> Guillermo: I AM LISTENING TO YOU, YEAH, I AM, ALWAYS. 60 00:02:45,349 --> 00:02:46,817 [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] 61 00:02:46,817 --> 00:02:50,354 >> Jimmy: WILLIAM BARR HAS BEEN ONE OF TRUMP'S MOST OBNOXIOUSLY 62 00:02:50,354 --> 00:02:55,092 LOYAL ALLIES THROUGHOUT, EMPHASIS ON LIES IN ALLIES. 63 00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:58,061 THIS WOULD BE LIKE IF THELMA TURNED ON LOUISE, LIKE IF YOU 64 00:02:58,061 --> 00:03:05,269 TURNED ON MY, GUILLERMO, IT'S UNTHINKABLE. 65 00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:08,505 APPARENTLY THIS ELECTION RULSE S TOO MUCH FOR EVEN BILL BARR. 66 00:03:08,505 --> 00:03:10,274 THE GOVERNORS OF GEORGIA AND ARIZONA. 67 00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:13,343 THE GOVERNOR OF ARIZONA, DOUG DOOCY, HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO 68 00:03:13,343 --> 00:03:15,913 DO RIGHT NOW. TRUMP WANTS HIM TO JUST IGNORE 69 00:03:15,913 --> 00:03:19,383 THE RESULT FTDS THE ELECTION AND DECLARE HIM THE WINNER IN 70 00:03:19,383 --> 00:03:22,986 ARIZONA, WHICH THE GOVERNOR DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE POWER TO 71 00:03:22,986 --> 00:03:26,089 DO. THESE TWO ARE OR WERE SO CLOSE 72 00:03:26,089 --> 00:03:30,127 THAT TRUMP ‐‐ DOOCY GAVE TRUMP HIS OWN RING TONE ON HIS PHONE. 73 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:33,931 >> WE'VE HAD SO MUCH OUTREACH PERSONALLY FROM BOTH THE 74 00:03:33,931 --> 00:03:36,466 PRESIDENT AND THE VICE PRESIDENT, THAT I HAD TO CHANGE 75 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:40,938 THE RING TONE ON MY PHONE. AND IT RINGS "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" 76 00:03:40,938 --> 00:03:44,474 BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO MISS ANOTHER PHONE CALL DIRECTLY FROM 77 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:45,309 THE WHITE HOUSE. 78 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:49,279 >> Jimmy: SO THAT WAS BACK IN JULY. AND THIS WAS YESTERDAY. 79 00:03:49,279 --> 00:03:52,215 WHEN DOOCY OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED THE RESULTS IN ARIZONA, WHICH 80 00:03:52,215 --> 00:03:55,652 GAVE THE STATE TO JOE BIDEN. THEY BROADCAST THIS 81 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,588 CERTIFICATION LIVE. AND GUESS WHO CALLED RIGHT IN 82 00:03:57,588 --> 00:04:06,029 THE MIDDLE OF HIM SIGNING IT? 83 00:04:06,029 --> 00:04:09,333 [ "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYING ] 84 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:13,971 >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT, "HAIL TO THE CHIEF." 85 00:04:13,971 --> 00:04:14,371 [ APPLAUSE ] 86 00:04:14,371 --> 00:04:16,506 I BELIEVE THE YOUNG PEOPLE CALL THAT GHOSTING. 87 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,509 AFTER BEING PUBLICLY SCREENED, THE PRESIDENT CALLED INTO A 88 00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:23,113 HEARING IN ARIZONA ON THE SUBJECT OF VOTER FRAUD, TO DROP 89 00:04:23,113 --> 00:04:24,414 A DOOCY ON DOUG. 90 00:04:24,414 --> 00:04:31,054 >> ARIZONA WILL NOT FORGET WHAT DOOCY JUST DID, WE'RE NOT GOING 91 00:04:31,054 --> 00:04:31,722 TO FORGET THE PEOPLE OF ARIZONA. 92 00:04:31,722 --> 00:04:34,024 >> Jimmy: HE ALSO ANGRILY TWEETED ABOUT DOOCY MULTIPLE 93 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:38,562 TIMES. THIS GUY IS HIS FRIEND. NOW YOU SEE WHY HIS STUPID SONS 94 00:04:38,562 --> 00:04:42,366 NEVER STOP KISSING HIS ASS. ONE WRONG WORD, THEY'RE OUGHT 95 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:42,733 TOO. 96 00:04:42,733 --> 00:04:43,767 [ LAUGHTER ] 97 00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:47,104 FOR ALL THE FAKE OUTRAGE HE'S SPEWING IN PUBLIC, CNN IS 98 00:04:47,104 --> 00:04:50,507 REPORTING ONE OF TRUMP'S CLOSEST ADVISERS SAYS THE PRESIDENTSIES 99 00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:54,945 THE WRITING ON THE WALL. WHAT WALL, THE ONE HE DIDN'T 100 00:04:54,945 --> 00:04:57,781 BUILD TO KEEP THE CARAVANS OUT? I'M GLAD HE SEES THE WRITING. 101 00:04:57,781 --> 00:05:02,285 ONCE HE LOST WISCONSIN FIVE TIMES IN TEN DAYS, HE REALIZED 102 00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:04,821 THE END MIGHT BE NEAR. NOT ONLY HAS TRUMP LOST THE 103 00:05:04,821 --> 00:05:09,159 ELECTION ARE HE LOST PAT ROBERTSON, WHO IF YOU DON'T KNOW 104 00:05:09,159 --> 00:05:13,430 IS THE 400‐YEAR‐OLD HOST OF "THE 700 CLUB." 105 00:05:13,430 --> 00:05:13,764 [ LAUGHTER ] 106 00:05:13,764 --> 00:05:16,700 PAT NEARLY DIED COMING UP WITH THIS FOOTBALL ANALOGY EXPLAINING 107 00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:17,300 WHAT'S GOING ON. 108 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:23,974 >> WHEN THE GAME IS ALL OVER AND THE ‐‐ THE TOTAL HAS BEEN 109 00:05:23,974 --> 00:05:26,943 POSTED, HE SAYS, I'D LIKE YOU TO CHANGE THE SCORE. 110 00:05:26,943 --> 00:05:30,280 AND THE PEOPLE SAY, NO, THE GAME'S OVER, YOU'VE LOST. 111 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,617 THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE, FOLKS. 112 00:05:33,617 --> 00:05:37,320 >> Jimmy: I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE THIS BUT THE WEIRD LITTLE 113 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:38,055 MUPPET IS RIGHT. 114 00:05:38,055 --> 00:05:38,555 [ LAUGHTER ] 115 00:05:38,555 --> 00:05:40,357 THAT IS WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH, FOLKS. 116 00:05:40,357 --> 00:05:42,459 OUR PRESIDENT‐ELECT WAS OUT AND ABOUT SHOWING OFF HIS BRAND‐NEW 117 00:05:42,459 --> 00:05:48,999 ORTHOPEDIC BOOT. 118 00:05:48,999 --> 00:05:52,302 >> MR. PRESIDENT‐ELECT, HOW DOES YOUR FOOT FEEL? HOW'S YOUR FOOT? 119 00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:54,538 >> GOOD! 120 00:05:54,538 --> 00:05:56,940 [ LAUGHTER ] 121 00:05:56,940 --> 00:06:00,510 >> Jimmy: THANKS, BONIVA. IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY BORING 122 00:06:00,510 --> 00:06:01,678 FOUR YEARS. 123 00:06:01,678 --> 00:06:02,012 [ LAUGHTER ] 124 00:06:02,012 --> 00:06:05,949 TEAM BIDEN IS MOVING AHEAD WITH PLANS FOR HIS INAUGURATION WHICH 125 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:09,453 WILL REPORTEDLY BE SCALED DOWN BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC. 126 00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:12,055 THEY'RE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW MANY CARS THEY CAN FIT ON THE 127 00:06:12,055 --> 00:06:13,257 WHITE HOUSE LAWN RIGHT NOW. 128 00:06:13,257 --> 00:06:13,590 [ LAUGHTER ] 129 00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:16,993 WE DON'T KNOW IF TRUMP PLANS TO BE AT BIDEN'S INAUGURATION OR IF 130 00:06:16,993 --> 00:06:20,764 HE'LL SPEND THE DAY WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN UNDER A McDONALD'S 131 00:06:20,764 --> 00:06:23,600 SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM MACHINE. BUT WE STILL HAVE ALMOST TWO 132 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,670 MONTHS TO GO. TRUMP STILL HAS 50 DAYS IN 133 00:06:26,670 --> 00:06:29,039 OFFICE. HE'S PRESIDENT FOR 50 ‐‐ WE 134 00:06:29,039 --> 00:06:31,475 SHOULDN'T HAVE THIS MUCH TIME BETWEEN THE ELECTION AND THE 135 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,110 INAUGURATION. WE SHOULD TREAT THE WHITE HOUSE 136 00:06:33,110 --> 00:06:38,148 LIKE IT'S AMERICA'S AIRBNB. LOSE THE ELECTION, CHECK OUT'S 137 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:40,417 11:00 A. M. NEXT MORNING. 138 00:06:40,417 --> 00:06:40,917 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 139 00:06:40,917 --> 00:06:44,054 STRIP THE SEATS, LEAVE THE KEYS UNDER THE MAT. 140 00:06:44,054 --> 00:06:48,792 NEW PRESIDENT CHECKS IN AT 3:00. PARDON‐PALOOZA IS UNDER WAY. 141 00:06:48,792 --> 00:06:53,563 LAST WEEK TRUMP GRANTED CLEMENCY TO HIS FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY 142 00:06:53,563 --> 00:06:57,534 ADVISER, MICHAEL FLYNN, A MAN WHO REPEATEDLY LIED TO THE FBI. 143 00:06:57,534 --> 00:06:59,336 ACCORDING TO THE "NEW YORK TIMES," TRUMP'S CRIMINAL 144 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,404 ATTORNEY, RUDY GIULIANI, FLOATED THE IDEA OF GETTING A 145 00:07:01,404 --> 00:07:04,474 PRESIDENTIAL PARDON TOO, FOR WHATEVER MIGHT HIT. 146 00:07:04,474 --> 00:07:07,144 THAT SURPRISES ME. I ALWAYS ASSUME THAT WHEN THE 147 00:07:07,144 --> 00:07:10,547 CLUCK STRUCK MIDNIGHT ON INAUGURATION DAY, RUDY WOULD 148 00:07:10,547 --> 00:07:13,750 TURN BACK INTO A FERRET AND GO ABOUT HIS WAY. 149 00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:14,451 [ LAUGHTER ] 150 00:07:14,451 --> 00:07:18,722 RUDY'S SPOKESPERSON SAID, MAYOR GIULIANI CANNOT COMMENT ON ANY 151 00:07:18,722 --> 00:07:22,993 DISCUSSIONS HE HAS WITH HIS CLIENT. HE IS, HOWEVER, CURRENTLY 152 00:07:22,993 --> 00:07:24,861 SCREAMING ABOUT MASSIVE BALLOT DUMPS IN THE PARKING LOT OF A 153 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,696 CHUCK E. CHEESE. 154 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:27,030 [ LAUGHTER ] 155 00:07:27,030 --> 00:07:31,301 THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS UPON US. WE STARTED OUR ADVENT CALENDAR 156 00:07:31,301 --> 00:07:34,171 WITH THE KIDS THIS MORNING. HERE'S THE THING ABOUT ADVENT 157 00:07:34,171 --> 00:07:37,307 CALENDARS. YOU FORGET. TURNS OUT 3‐YEAR‐OLDS DON'T 158 00:07:37,307 --> 00:07:40,710 REALLY UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF ONLY OPENING ONE LITTLE DOOR PER 159 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:45,682 DAY TO GET THE TOY. SO WE ARE NOW IN FOR 25 DAYS OF 160 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:50,453 TORTURE LEADING UP TO JESUS' BIRTHDAY. 161 00:07:50,453 --> 00:07:51,755 GUILLERMO, YOUR SON BENJI HAD A BIRTHDAY? 162 00:07:51,755 --> 00:07:52,589 >> Guillermo: TODAY, HE'S 9 YEARS OLD. 163 00:07:52,589 --> 00:07:54,224 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 164 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,092 >> Jimmy: DOES HE EVER WATCH YOU ON THE SHOW? 165 00:07:56,092 --> 00:07:57,294 >> Guillermo: SOMETIMES HE DOES. 166 00:07:57,294 --> 00:08:00,931 >> Jimmy: SOMETIMES HE DOES. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BENJI. 167 00:08:00,931 --> 00:08:01,498 >> Guillermo: THANK YOU. 168 00:08:01,498 --> 00:08:05,335 >> Jimmy: GUILLERMO AND I HAVE AN ANNUAL HOLIDAY TRADITION WE 169 00:08:05,335 --> 00:08:07,871 WERE DETERMINED TO CONTINUE EVEN THOUGH COVID IS HAPPENING. 170 00:08:07,871 --> 00:08:11,007 EVER RYE YEAR WE DRESS UP AS SANTA'S LITTLE HELPERS TO FIND 171 00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,577 OUT HOW THE KIDDIES ARE BEHAVING. THIS YEAR WE DID IT VIA VIDEO 172 00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:19,449 CHAT. 173 00:08:19,449 --> 00:08:21,718 >> Jimmy: HI, KIDS. HOW ARE YOU? 174 00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:22,385 >> HI! 175 00:08:22,385 --> 00:08:25,856 >> Jimmy: I'M ELF JIMMY AND THIS IS ELF GUILLERMO. 176 00:08:25,856 --> 00:08:28,959 WE ARE HIRED BY SANTA CLAUS TO FIND OUT IF YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY 177 00:08:28,959 --> 00:08:35,765 OR NICE THIS YEAR. WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES? 178 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,934 >> DANIELLE AND NICHOLAS. 179 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,604 >> Jimmy: JUST LIKE SANTA CLAUS, ST. NICHOLAS. 180 00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:41,071 >> YEAH. 181 00:08:41,071 --> 00:08:44,207 >> Jimmy: THE ONE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SANTA AND YOU, NICHOLAS, 182 00:08:44,207 --> 00:08:47,110 SANTA HAS ALL HIS TEETH. HOW MANY TEETH DID YOU LOSE IN 183 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,044 THE FRONT THERE? 184 00:08:48,044 --> 00:08:48,879 >> TWO. 185 00:08:48,879 --> 00:08:51,715 >> Jimmy: OKAY. WE'LL BRING YOU A COUPLE OF 186 00:08:51,715 --> 00:08:52,148 THOSE. 187 00:08:52,148 --> 00:08:53,683 >> THE TOOTH FAIRY TOOK THEM. 188 00:08:53,683 --> 00:08:57,087 >> Jimmy: OH, WE KNOW THE TOOTH FAIRY. 189 00:08:57,087 --> 00:09:00,657 REALLY WEIRD LADY, HAS PILES AND PILES OF TEETH ALL OVER HER 190 00:09:00,657 --> 00:09:03,994 BACKYARD, VERY STRANGE. WE DON'T GO NEAR HER, AND YOU 191 00:09:03,994 --> 00:09:09,433 SHOULD NOT EITHER. SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN. 192 00:09:09,433 --> 00:09:09,766 [ LAUGHTER ] 193 00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,001 LET'S TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS. WHAT WE'VE HEARD IS ONE OF YOU 194 00:09:11,001 --> 00:09:14,537 HAS BEEN NAUGHTY AND ONE HAS BEEN NICE. 195 00:09:14,537 --> 00:09:17,641 WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS BEEN NICE? OH. 196 00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:18,108 >> Guillermo: BOTH? 197 00:09:18,108 --> 00:09:19,743 >> Jimmy: WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIGURE THIS OUT. 198 00:09:19,743 --> 00:09:21,278 TELL US ABOUT SOME OF THE NAUGHTY THINGS THAT YOU'VE DONE 199 00:09:21,278 --> 00:09:24,881 THIS YEAR. 200 00:09:24,881 --> 00:09:26,149 >> MY SISTER PUNCHED ME. 201 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:26,483 >> Jimmy: OH! 202 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:30,253 >> Guillermo: WOW. 203 00:09:30,253 --> 00:09:35,358 >> JUST PUNCHED ME. WALKING INTO MY SISTER ‐‐ I 204 00:09:35,358 --> 00:09:37,894 THINK MY SISTER THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPWALKING. 205 00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:42,165 >> Jimmy: SHE GOT SCARED AND PUNCHED YOU IN YOUR SLEEP? 206 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:44,935 >> TRYING TO WAKE HIM UP. 207 00:09:44,935 --> 00:09:47,404 >> Jimmy: DANIELLE, TELL US ABOUT SOMETHING THAT NICK HAS 208 00:09:47,404 --> 00:09:48,838 DONE WRONG THIS YEAR. 209 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:54,077 >> UM ‐‐ 210 00:09:54,077 --> 00:09:57,280 >> Jimmy: WHAT'S HE SAYING? WHAT'S HE WHISPERING? 211 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,684 >> THAT HE DIDN'T CLEAN HIS ROOM. 212 00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:01,051 >> Jimmy: OH. 213 00:10:01,051 --> 00:10:02,819 >> I'M GOING TO CLEAN MY ROOM TODAY. 214 00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:04,587 >> Jimmy: NICK, YOU'RE ACTUALLY TATTLING ON YOURSELF. 215 00:10:04,587 --> 00:10:06,389 [ LAUGHTER ] 216 00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:08,224 ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE GOING TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM TODAY. 217 00:10:08,224 --> 00:10:11,127 YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD. LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT 218 00:10:11,127 --> 00:10:15,198 FOR CHRISTMAS. LET'S GET INTO IT. GO AHEAD. 219 00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:19,202 >> I WANT A PUPPY AND ALL THE BOY STUFF. 220 00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:20,203 >> Jimmy: OKAY. 221 00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:21,771 >> BUT NOT GIRL STUFF. 222 00:10:21,771 --> 00:10:23,773 >> Jimmy: NO GIRL STUFF. 223 00:10:23,773 --> 00:10:27,110 >> I WANT A LOL DREAM HOUSE FOR CHRISTMAS. 224 00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:30,114 >> Jimmy: TWO LOL DREAM HOUSES, ONE FOR NICK, AND ONE FOR 225 00:10:30,114 --> 00:10:30,447 DANIELLE. 226 00:10:30,447 --> 00:10:34,484 >> I DON'T WANT THAT! 227 00:10:34,484 --> 00:10:35,485 >> HA HA HA. 228 00:10:35,485 --> 00:10:38,388 >> Jimmy: YOU DON'T WANT THAT? OKAY. 229 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,122 >> THAT'S GIRL STUFF. 230 00:10:39,122 --> 00:10:40,757 >> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU WANT? 231 00:10:40,757 --> 00:10:46,229 >> I WANT A DRONE THAT CAN FLY TO THE NORTH POLE AND GIVE YOU 232 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:46,930 GUYS A LETTER. 233 00:10:46,930 --> 00:10:47,797 >> Jimmy: WOW. 234 00:10:47,797 --> 00:10:48,231 >> Guillermo: WOW. 235 00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:51,034 >> Jimmy: YOU WANT A DRONE THAT WILL FLY A LETTER TO US, THAT WE 236 00:10:51,034 --> 00:10:53,436 CAN GIVE TO SANTA. AND WHAT WILL IT SAY IN THAT 237 00:10:53,436 --> 00:10:57,674 LETTER? 238 00:10:57,674 --> 00:10:59,709 >> SOME THINGS THAT HE WANTS FOR TOYS OR SOMETHING ‐‐ 239 00:10:59,709 --> 00:11:01,811 >> NO, NO, NOT THAT. 240 00:11:01,811 --> 00:11:02,245 >> Jimmy: WHAT? 241 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,114 >> I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO SANTA. 242 00:11:04,114 --> 00:11:07,450 >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT, CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING? 243 00:11:07,450 --> 00:11:10,653 KIDS ALWAYS SEND LISTS TO SANTA OF THINGS THEY WANT. 244 00:11:10,653 --> 00:11:15,492 AND THEY ALMOST NEVER SEND THANK YOU NOTES FOR THE THINGS THEY 245 00:11:15,492 --> 00:11:17,460 GOT. AND I THINK THAT'S A REALLY NICE 246 00:11:17,460 --> 00:11:19,929 THING TO DO. YOU KNOW, YOU COULD ALSO DROP IT 247 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:22,265 IN THE MAIL, YOU DON'T NECESSARILY NEED A DRONE TO SEND 248 00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:26,002 A LETTER. 249 00:11:26,002 --> 00:11:27,670 >> HE WAS GOING TO MAIL IT TO YOU GUYS. 250 00:11:27,670 --> 00:11:30,673 >> Jimmy: YOU GUYS WOULD MAIL IT. 251 00:11:30,673 --> 00:11:31,041 >> THE MAILMAN? 252 00:11:31,041 --> 00:11:31,408 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 253 00:11:31,408 --> 00:11:35,812 >> WHO WILL TAKE IT TO HIM? WHO WILL GO TO THE NORTH POLE TO 254 00:11:35,812 --> 00:11:38,648 TAKE TO IT YOU GUYS AND THEN YOU GUYS CAN BRING IT TO SANTA? 255 00:11:38,648 --> 00:11:43,053 >> Jimmy: WELL, THE MAILMAN. WE GET MAIL UP HERE. 256 00:11:43,053 --> 00:11:45,622 >> I DON'T THINK THE MAILMAN WILL SURVIVE THE COLD. 257 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:49,392 >> Jimmy: YEAH, WE DO HAVE A LOT OF DEAD MAILMEN ON THE LAWN 258 00:11:49,392 --> 00:11:50,593 RIGHT NOW, FROZEN. 259 00:11:50,593 --> 00:11:50,994 [ LAUGHTER ] 260 00:11:50,994 --> 00:11:54,864 BUT DON'T WORRY, IF YOU SEND A LETTER, IT WILL GET TO US, OKAY? 261 00:11:54,864 --> 00:11:55,899 >> OKAY. 262 00:11:55,899 --> 00:11:58,735 >> Jimmy: YOU CAN TRUST IN THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE. KIND OF. 263 00:11:58,735 --> 00:12:01,004 [ LAUGHTER ] 264 00:12:01,004 --> 00:12:03,540 ALL RIGHT, GUYS. WE GOT YOU A SURPRISE. 265 00:12:03,540 --> 00:12:05,208 BECAUSE WE'VE HEARD YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD. 266 00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:08,845 AND SO WE GOT YOU GIFTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. 267 00:12:08,845 --> 00:12:09,245 >> WHAT IS THIS? 268 00:12:09,245 --> 00:12:21,125 >> Jimmy: OPEN IT RIGHT NOW. 269 00:12:21,125 --> 00:12:21,458 YEAH. 270 00:12:21,458 --> 00:12:23,359 >> THERE ISN'T ANYTHING IN THE BOX! 271 00:12:23,359 --> 00:12:30,500 >> Jimmy: WELL, YEAH, NO ‐‐ NICK IS HOLDING IT. IT'S A SOCK. 272 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:30,934 >> THERE'S ONLY ONE! 273 00:12:30,934 --> 00:12:34,437 >> Jimmy: OH, WE'LL SEND YOU ANOTHER ONE. 274 00:12:34,437 --> 00:12:35,472 >> SERIOUSLY? 275 00:12:35,472 --> 00:12:38,675 >> Jimmy: WELL, YOU GOT TO START SOMEWHERE, RIGHT? 276 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,210 I MEAN, YOU CAN'T GO OUT AND PLAY WITH YOUR DRONE WITHOUT 277 00:12:40,210 --> 00:12:42,946 SOCKS ON, CAN YOU? 278 00:12:42,946 --> 00:12:45,515 >> THERE'S ONLY ONE SOCK, AND THERE'S TWO OF US, AND THERE'S 279 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,750 FOUR FEET ALTOGETHER. 280 00:12:47,750 --> 00:12:48,251 [ LAUGHTER ] 281 00:12:48,251 --> 00:12:52,856 >> Jimmy: WELL, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU'D BE SO GOOD AT MATH. 282 00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:55,125 >> I KNOW 100 TIMES 100. 283 00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:55,825 >> Jimmy: WHAT IS IT? 284 00:12:55,825 --> 00:12:56,493 >> 1,000. 285 00:12:56,493 --> 00:12:57,026 >> Jimmy: WHAT? 286 00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:57,927 >> 10,000. 287 00:12:57,927 --> 00:13:00,830 >> Jimmy: OH, YOU GUYS WANT 10,000 SOCKS? 288 00:13:00,830 --> 00:13:01,498 >> WHAT? 289 00:13:01,498 --> 00:13:02,298 >> NO! 290 00:13:02,298 --> 00:13:05,235 >> Jimmy: OKAY, WE'LL SEND 10,000 SOCKS TO YOUR HOUSE. 291 00:13:05,235 --> 00:13:08,505 BYE, KIDS, MERRY CHRISTMAS. 292 00:13:08,505 --> 00:13:08,938 >> NO! 293 00:13:08,938 --> 00:13:10,940 >> MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUT NO, NO, NO, 10,000 SOCKS, NO! 294 00:13:10,940 --> 00:13:11,441 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 295 00:13:11,441 --> 00:13:14,043 >> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, KIDS. WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU 296 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,847 TONIGHT. RITA WILSON IS HERE. WE'VE GOT MUSIC FROM DEVON 297 00:13:17,847 --> 00:13:21,484 GILFILLIAN. BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN, STICK 298 00:13:21,484 --> 00:13:22,085 AROUND! 299 00:13:32,362 --> 00:13:33,396 ♪ 300 00:13:33,396 --> 00:13:35,565 >> Jimmy: WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. 301 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:39,903 TONIGHT, RITA WILSON IS WITH US. RITA WILSON GRABBED COVID BY THE 302 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:42,472 NECK AND CHOKED THE LIFE OUT OF IT VERY EARLY ON. 303 00:13:42,472 --> 00:13:46,643 THEN LATER, HIS GRAMMY NOMINATED ALBUM IS CALLED "BLACK HOLE 304 00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:47,744 RAINBOW." MUSIC FROM DEVON GILFILLIAN. 305 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:50,580 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 306 00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,815 TOMORROW NIGHT, WHO'S ON TOMORROW NIGHT? 307 00:13:52,815 --> 00:13:54,617 GEORGE CLOONEY IS ON TOMORROW NIGHT. 308 00:13:54,617 --> 00:13:55,118 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 309 00:13:55,118 --> 00:13:59,255 AND AMANDA SEYFRIED WITH MUSIC FROM TONES AND I. 310 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:04,827 ON THURSDAY, ZENDAYA AND DIEGO LUNA WITH PARIS JACKSON. 311 00:14:04,827 --> 00:14:08,364 PLEASE JOIN US FOR ALL THAT. OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A 312 00:14:08,364 --> 00:14:11,968 TWO‐TIME EMMY WINNER AND A VERY BRIGHT AND FUNNY YOUNG MAN. 313 00:14:11,968 --> 00:14:15,371 STARTING FRIDAY HE RETURNS AS THE VOICE OF A PUBESCENT BOY 314 00:14:15,371 --> 00:14:20,109 NAMED ANDREW ON SEASON 4 OF ONE OF THE DIRTIEST AND FUNNIEST 315 00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:23,513 CARTOONS EVER, "BIG MOUTH" ON NETFLIX. 316 00:14:23,513 --> 00:14:24,147 PLEASE WELCOME JOHN MULANEY! 317 00:14:24,147 --> 00:14:26,683 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 318 00:14:26,683 --> 00:14:31,921 HEY, HEY, HOW ARE YOU, JIMMY? SORRY, I'M JUST ‐‐ I WAS JUST 319 00:14:31,921 --> 00:14:35,858 READING "MAYOR," AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY ED KOCH. 320 00:14:35,858 --> 00:14:37,327 >> Jimmy: VERY TIMELY. 321 00:14:37,327 --> 00:14:40,964 >> I DO ‐‐ I JUST LIKE A GOOD BEACH READ. 322 00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:45,403 YEAH, I LIKE WHEN SOMEONE WRITES AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY WHILE THEY'RE 323 00:14:45,403 --> 00:14:45,768 MAYOR. 324 00:14:45,768 --> 00:14:48,504 >> Jimmy: ARE YOU ON THE WAVE RIGHT NOW? IS THAT WHERE YOU ARE? 325 00:14:48,504 --> 00:14:50,974 >> MENTALLY, BABY. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A ZEN APPROACH 326 00:14:50,974 --> 00:14:52,475 TO LIFE. 327 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:58,615 >> Jimmy: I FEEL LIKE, JOHN, YOU AND JOE BIDEN AND MAYBE LIKE DUA 328 00:14:58,615 --> 00:14:59,983 LIPA ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAD A GOOD 2020. 329 00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:06,656 [ LAUGHTER ] 330 00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,925 YOU HOSTED "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" TWO TIMES THIS YEAR. 331 00:15:08,925 --> 00:15:10,226 BY THE WAY, YOU WERE GREAT BOTH TIMES. 332 00:15:10,226 --> 00:15:10,627 >> OH, THANK YOU. 333 00:15:10,627 --> 00:15:13,196 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 334 00:15:13,196 --> 00:15:13,930 THAT'S NICE OF YOU. 335 00:15:13,930 --> 00:15:14,931 >> Jimmy: FANTASTIC JOB. 336 00:15:14,931 --> 00:15:20,470 >> I HOSTED FEBRUARY 29th, WHICH WAS A LEAP YEAR SHOW. 337 00:15:20,470 --> 00:15:25,708 THEY'D NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE. AND THEN I THEN ‐‐ COVID CAME. 338 00:15:25,708 --> 00:15:27,910 WELL, IT WAS ALREADY HERE, BUT YOU KNOW, WHATEVER. 339 00:15:27,910 --> 00:15:32,315 COVID HAPPENED. AND THEN I ‐‐ EVERYTHING WAS 340 00:15:32,315 --> 00:15:35,719 CLOSED, AS YOU REMEMBER, AND THE AUDIENCE MIGHT RECALL TOO. 341 00:15:35,719 --> 00:15:36,052 [ LAUGHTER ] 342 00:15:36,052 --> 00:15:40,056 AND THEN IN THE SUMMER, THINGS STARTED TO OPEN UP. 343 00:15:40,056 --> 00:15:42,859 AND I DON'T NEED TO TAKE YOU THROUGH THE WHOLE THING. 344 00:15:42,859 --> 00:15:43,192 [ LAUGHTER ] 345 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:48,197 BASICALLY, I DID THE SHOW, THE WORLD SHUT DOWN, THE WORLD 346 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,966 PARTIALLY OPENED UP, AND MY FIRST JOB BACK OF ANYTHING WAS 347 00:15:49,966 --> 00:15:50,767 DOING THE SHOW AGAIN. 348 00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:52,135 >> Jimmy: THAT WAS THE FIRST THING YOU DID? 349 00:15:52,135 --> 00:15:55,505 >> THAT WAS THE FIRST THING ‐‐ THAT WAS THE FIRST PROFESSIONAL 350 00:15:55,505 --> 00:15:59,242 ENTERPRISE I UNDERTOOK SINCE THE PANDEMIC, YEAH. 351 00:15:59,242 --> 00:16:02,178 >> Jimmy: THAT WAS ON HALLOWEEN. SO YOU DIDN'T GET A CHANCE TO GO 352 00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:06,015 AND LIKE TRY OUT YOUR JOKES OR ANY OF THAT STUFF? 353 00:16:06,015 --> 00:16:08,184 >> I DID. I DID EIGHT TIMES. 354 00:16:08,184 --> 00:16:11,054 I WORKED ON THEM ALL. I RAN IT EIGHT TIMES IN 355 00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:12,522 DIFFERENT FIELDS IN NEW JERSEY AND CONNECTICUT. 356 00:16:12,522 --> 00:16:18,061 OUTDOOR RESTAURANTS. YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GAUGE AN 357 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:20,129 OUTDOOR CROWD, IT'S LIKE THE OCEAN. 358 00:16:20,129 --> 00:16:24,000 YOU'RE LIKE ‐‐ THAT COULD BE CLAPPING. 359 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,637 YOU JUST HEAR KIND OF NOISE AND IT HAS A SLOW ROLL BACK AT YOU. 360 00:16:27,637 --> 00:16:32,175 NOT PERFECT FOR RUNNING TIGHT JOKES FOR "SNL" MONOLOGUE. 361 00:16:32,175 --> 00:16:36,079 BUT I WENT OUT AND ‐‐ ON TV AND I SAID THEM. 362 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:39,349 >> Jimmy: AND IT ‐‐ IT WORKED. I MEAN, EVERYONE SEEMED TO LOVE 363 00:16:39,349 --> 00:16:42,018 IT. I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT. DID EVERYONE LOVE IT? 364 00:16:42,018 --> 00:16:43,986 OR SOME PEOPLE WERE MAD AT YOU, AS I RECALL? 365 00:16:43,986 --> 00:16:48,458 >> YES. AND WITH GOOD REASON, WITH GOOD 366 00:16:48,458 --> 00:16:53,329 REASON. I HAD A JOKE ABOUT HOW WE HAD 367 00:16:53,329 --> 00:16:56,699 THE ELECTION COMING UP. THIS WAS OCTOBER 31st. 368 00:16:56,699 --> 00:16:58,968 NOVEMBER 3rd WAS ‐‐ AGAIN, I DON'T THINK I NEED TO TAKE THE 369 00:16:58,968 --> 00:17:01,938 AUDIENCE THROUGH THIS, BUT I WILL ANYWAY. 370 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,207 NOVEMBER 3rd, THERE WAS A PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. 371 00:17:04,207 --> 00:17:11,748 AND I HAD A JOKE, THE INTENTION OF THE JOKE WAS THAT SOME THINGS 372 00:17:11,748 --> 00:17:18,888 WILL NEVER CHANGE. DESPITE THE WINNER. 373 00:17:18,888 --> 00:17:20,723 AND THAT THE POOR WILL STILL SUFFER, THE RICH WILL CONTINUE 374 00:17:20,723 --> 00:17:23,960 TO PROSPER, THE MENTALLY ILL AND THE DRUG ADDICTED WILL NOT BE 375 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:28,798 TAKEN CARE OF, JANE LYNCH WILL STILL BOOK GIG AFTER GIG AND DO 376 00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:33,202 A GREAT JOB AT IT, LITTLE GIRLS WILL STILL WANT TO LEAVE A 377 00:17:33,202 --> 00:17:36,038 SLEEPOVER BECAUSE THE OTHER GIRLS BULLIED HER, THEN SHE'LL 378 00:17:36,038 --> 00:17:38,741 HAVE TO SIT UPSTAIRS AT THE DINNING ROOM TABLE OF THE DAD 379 00:17:38,741 --> 00:17:43,045 WHO BULLIED HER AND WAIT FOR HER PARENTS. 380 00:17:43,045 --> 00:17:45,348 IT WAS A VERY SMART JOKE. 381 00:17:45,348 --> 00:17:45,681 [ LAUGHTER ] 382 00:17:45,681 --> 00:17:49,652 BUT I MADE ‐‐ IN THE SETUP I SAID, BASICALLY, LIKE NO MATTER 383 00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:53,289 WHO WINS. WHICH I REALLY DIDN'T EVEN AGREE 384 00:17:53,289 --> 00:17:56,459 WITH. I OFTEN SAY THINGS ON TV IN 385 00:17:56,459 --> 00:18:00,196 FRONT OF 10 MILLION PEOPLE THAT, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST KIND OF 386 00:18:00,196 --> 00:18:01,197 FLOATING AS IDEAS. 387 00:18:01,197 --> 00:18:01,631 >> Jimmy: RIGHT. 388 00:18:01,631 --> 00:18:05,701 >> BUT I ‐‐ I SHOULD HAVE SAID, I VERY MUCH WANT ONE TO WIN OVER 389 00:18:05,701 --> 00:18:07,770 THE OTHER, AND THERE WILL BE IMPROVEMENTS. IF ONE WINS. 390 00:18:07,770 --> 00:18:11,974 [ LAUGHTER ] 391 00:18:11,974 --> 00:18:14,477 AND I FLAT‐OUT ‐‐ LIKE I DESERVED THE BACKLASH. 392 00:18:14,477 --> 00:18:19,182 I FLAT‐OUT FORGOT. I JUST FORGOT TO DO IT. 393 00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:22,752 AND I NEVER ‐‐ LIKE I RAN THE JOKE IN LIKE A FIELD IN 394 00:18:22,752 --> 00:18:24,987 CONNECTICUT. AND I WAS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, LET'S 395 00:18:24,987 --> 00:18:27,824 ROCK AND ROLL. I NEVER WAS LIKE, HEY, DON'T YOU 396 00:18:27,824 --> 00:18:31,327 MEAN THAT ONE GUY'S WORSE THAN THE OTHER? 397 00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:34,163 AND I FORGOT TO MAKE THE JOKE GOOD. SO THE BEGINNING WAS ‐‐ 398 00:18:34,163 --> 00:18:36,532 [ LAUGHTER ] 399 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:40,937 THE BEGINNING WASN'T ‐‐ THE BEGINNING WAS, YOU KNOW, A 400 00:18:40,937 --> 00:18:45,908 STRANGE THING TO TOSS OUT THERE. THREE DAYS BEFORE AN ELECTION IN 401 00:18:45,908 --> 00:18:48,778 FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE GOING, LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO WINS 402 00:18:48,778 --> 00:18:53,349 BECAUSE, AND NOW I'LL GET TO THE JANE LYNCH JOKE. 403 00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:54,650 >> Jimmy: RIGHT. YOU THOUGHT ‐‐ 404 00:18:54,650 --> 00:18:58,421 >> MY WIFE ‐‐ EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME WAS LIKE, WHAT THE HELL DID 405 00:18:58,421 --> 00:19:01,023 YOU JUST SAY? AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT, NO GOOD, 406 00:19:01,023 --> 00:19:03,793 NO GOOD? THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NOT 407 00:19:03,793 --> 00:19:06,362 WORKING OUT THE WORDING OF A JOKE THAT YOU THEN DO ON 408 00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:06,696 TELEVISION. 409 00:19:06,696 --> 00:19:08,731 >> Jimmy: WELL, WHEN YOU'RE IN A FIELD, THINGS HAPPEN. 410 00:19:08,731 --> 00:19:11,367 YOU CAN'T REALLY TRUST THE AUDIENCE IN A FIELD. 411 00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:14,537 >> I NEVER SAID IT WAS A SHOW, I SAID I WAS IN A FIELD. 412 00:19:14,537 --> 00:19:15,438 >> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT. 413 00:19:15,438 --> 00:19:18,841 >> TELLING JOKES AT PEOPLE. YEAH, THERE WAS A KID'S SOCCER 414 00:19:18,841 --> 00:19:20,843 GAME. I BROUGHT SNACKS THAT WEEK, I 415 00:19:20,843 --> 00:19:21,811 HAD ORANGE SLICES. 416 00:19:21,811 --> 00:19:25,715 >> Jimmy: NOT ONLY WERE PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE TRUMP ANGRY AT YOU, 417 00:19:25,715 --> 00:19:30,219 THEN ALSO PEOPLE WHO LIKE TRUMP WERE ANGRY AT YOU. 418 00:19:30,219 --> 00:19:35,525 >> LESS SO THEM. BECAUSE THEY KIND OF LIKE THE ‐‐ 419 00:19:35,525 --> 00:19:38,761 THEY LIKE LOW VOTER TURNOUT. 420 00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:39,095 [ LAUGHTER ] 421 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:43,933 BUT IN FEBRUARY ‐‐ WHAT WAS A LITTLE STRANGE WAS, I'M LIKE A 422 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:48,671 DEMOCRAT, YOU KNOW, LIKE ‐‐ I LIKE PEOPLE. 423 00:19:48,671 --> 00:19:49,405 [ LAUGHTER ] 424 00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:51,974 YOU KNOW, I'M GENERALLY HAPPY AND NOT DEEPLY ANGRY. 425 00:19:51,974 --> 00:19:54,811 SO I'M A DEMOCRAT. 426 00:19:54,811 --> 00:19:55,144 [ LAUGHTER ] 427 00:19:55,144 --> 00:19:57,346 I VOTE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC ‐‐ THE LIBERAL PEOPLE. 428 00:19:57,346 --> 00:20:02,754 BECAUSE I'M NOT LIKE ‐‐ MY DAD DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL, LIKE, NOT A 429 00:20:02,754 --> 00:20:03,119 MAN. 430 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:03,452 [ LAUGHTER ] 431 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:08,591 SO I'M TRYING TO PROVE HIM BY VOTING ‐‐ I'M A DEMOCRAT‐TYPE 432 00:20:08,591 --> 00:20:13,195 PERSON. SO I WAS SURPRISED THAT MY ‐‐ 433 00:20:13,195 --> 00:20:16,766 WELL, I WASN'T SURPRISED WHEN I REALIZED HOW BAD THE WORDING WAS. 434 00:20:16,766 --> 00:20:21,337 BUT YEAH, PEOPLE TO THE LEFT CAME AFTER ME THIS LAST MONTH. 435 00:20:21,337 --> 00:20:27,977 BUT IN FEBRUARY I DID A JOKE THAT WAS NOT ABOUT DONALD TRUMP. 436 00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:31,747 THE JOKE WAS ABOUT HOW IT WAS A LEAP YEAR, AND LEAP YEAR HAD 437 00:20:31,747 --> 00:20:35,051 BEEN STARTED BY JULIUS CESAR TO CORRECT THE CALENDAR, AND 438 00:20:35,051 --> 00:20:41,090 ANOTHER THING THAT HAPPENED WITH CESAR WAS THAT HE WAS STABBED TO 439 00:20:41,090 --> 00:20:43,893 DEATH BY A BENCH OF SENATORS BECAUSE HE WENT CRAZY. 440 00:20:43,893 --> 00:20:44,862 AND I SAID, THAT'S AN INTERESTING THING THAT COULD 441 00:20:44,862 --> 00:20:45,227 HAPPEN. 442 00:20:45,227 --> 00:20:48,064 [ LAUGHTER ] 443 00:20:48,064 --> 00:20:51,400 AND I JUST DID IT AGAIN, WHICH IS VERY ‐‐ WHICH I'M REALIZING 444 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,836 IN THE MOMENT, I JUST TOLD IT AGAIN. 445 00:20:53,836 --> 00:21:00,009 I GOT IN ‐‐ A LOT OF, LIKE, MAGAZINES THAT I DON'T THINK 446 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:03,579 EXISTED BEFORE, CALLED ‐‐ LIKE PATRIOTIC MAGAZINES THAT JUST 447 00:21:03,579 --> 00:21:06,415 SUDDENLY WERE ON TWITTER, YOU KNOW. 448 00:21:06,415 --> 00:21:11,153 JUST LIKE "BALD EAGLE MONTHLY." LIKE, "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" 449 00:21:11,153 --> 00:21:15,291 SO WHAT ALSO HAPPENED WAS, THERE'S A SERVICE THAT OPERATES 450 00:21:15,291 --> 00:21:17,493 FOR THE PRESIDENT. AND THEY'RE SECRET. 451 00:21:17,493 --> 00:21:17,994 >> Jimmy: OH. 452 00:21:17,994 --> 00:21:18,327 [ LAUGHTER ] 453 00:21:18,327 --> 00:21:21,697 >> THEY'RE A SECRET SERVICE. AND THEY ‐‐ 454 00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:25,835 >> Jimmy: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM? 455 00:21:25,835 --> 00:21:29,972 >> THEY ‐‐ BECAUSE THEY INVESTIGATED ME. 456 00:21:29,972 --> 00:21:32,074 AND I GUESS THEY OPENED A FILE ON ME BECAUSE OF THE JOKE. 457 00:21:32,074 --> 00:21:33,943 >> Jimmy: WOW. 458 00:21:33,943 --> 00:21:38,280 >> AND I HAVE TO SAY, THERE WAS A ‐‐ AM I STOKED THERE'S A FILE 459 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:38,881 OPEN ON ME? ABSOLUTELY. 460 00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:41,183 [ LAUGHTER ] 461 00:21:41,183 --> 00:21:45,488 DID I ENJOY IT IN THE MOMENT? NOT SO MUCH. 462 00:21:45,488 --> 00:21:50,026 BUT THE PERSON VETTING ME SAID ‐‐ WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING 463 00:21:50,026 --> 00:21:55,064 THAT THIS ‐‐ THAT THE JOKE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DONALD TRUMP. 464 00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:59,502 AND THAT ‐‐ BECAUSE IT WAS ‐‐ IT WAS AN ELLIPTICAL REFERENCE TO 465 00:21:59,502 --> 00:22:01,971 HIM. IT WASN'T ‐‐ I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. 466 00:22:01,971 --> 00:22:04,940 >> Jimmy: I'M NOT WITH THE SECRET SERVICE, DON'T WORRY, 467 00:22:04,940 --> 00:22:06,142 YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE HERE. 468 00:22:06,142 --> 00:22:06,475 [ LAUGHTER ] 469 00:22:06,475 --> 00:22:09,712 >> NO, I ALSO THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY WHEN HE GOT COVID, YOU 470 00:22:09,712 --> 00:22:12,348 KNOW, PEOPLE ON THE NEWS WOULD BE LIKE, DAY FIVE OF HOPING 471 00:22:12,348 --> 00:22:12,782 SOMEONE GETS WORSE. 472 00:22:12,782 --> 00:22:19,488 [ LAUGHTER ] 473 00:22:19,488 --> 00:22:23,359 YOU KNOW, THE TONE OF THE NEWS WAS LIKE, OH, FLUIDS ARE LOW! 474 00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:25,795 [ LAUGHTER ] 475 00:22:25,795 --> 00:22:27,997 BUT I LOVE THE NEWS AND I LOVE THE LEFT‐WING AND I LOVE 476 00:22:27,997 --> 00:22:33,869 DEMOCRATS. SO ‐‐ WHAT WAS I GOING TO SAY? 477 00:22:33,869 --> 00:22:37,406 SO THEY WERE VERY NICE IN THE INTERVIEW. 478 00:22:37,406 --> 00:22:41,277 I DON'T THINK THEY ‐‐ IN TERMS OF RISK ASSESSMENT, NO ONE WHO'S 479 00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:43,079 EVER LOOKED AT ME HAS THOUGHT I REGISTERED ABOVE A 1. 480 00:22:43,079 --> 00:22:46,515 [ LAUGHTER ] 481 00:22:46,515 --> 00:22:48,317 SO THEY SAID, NOW IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE WE SHOULD KNOW 482 00:22:48,317 --> 00:22:50,352 ABOUT? AND I WAS LIKE ‐‐ I WAS LIKE, 483 00:22:50,352 --> 00:22:54,657 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THEY'RE LIKE, ANYTHING ELSE? 484 00:22:54,657 --> 00:22:57,560 AND I WAS LIKE, DO YOU MEAN LIKE ANYTHING BAD I'VE DONE? 485 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:01,797 AND THEY WERE LIKE, WE DON'T MEAN ANYTHING BAD YOU'VE DONE. 486 00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:04,700 I WAS GOING TO TELL THEM I SNIFFED GLUE WHEN I WAS A KID 487 00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:07,036 AND STUFF. BUT I'M CLEARED BY THE SECRET 488 00:23:07,036 --> 00:23:12,475 SERVICE. I'VE BEEN TOLD. AT THE SAME TIME, MY WIFE WAS 489 00:23:12,475 --> 00:23:15,845 DOING ‐‐ SHE WAS WORKING ON A PROJECT FOR THE SMITHSONIAN DOWN 490 00:23:15,845 --> 00:23:18,614 IN D. C. SO WE HAD AN APARTMENT DOWN 491 00:23:18,614 --> 00:23:23,219 THERE, AND I WAS LIVING IN D. C. IT'S WHERE WE ENDED UP 492 00:23:23,219 --> 00:23:26,188 QUARANTINING. AND I FAILED TO REALIZE THAT 493 00:23:26,188 --> 00:23:28,858 AFTER BEING INVESTIGATED ‐‐ AFTER TELLING THE SECRET SERVICE 494 00:23:28,858 --> 00:23:32,361 THEY HAD NOTHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT, THAT I HAD LEASED AN 495 00:23:32,361 --> 00:23:33,262 APARTMENT FOR ONE YEAR IN WASHINGTON, D. C. 496 00:23:33,262 --> 00:23:38,901 [ LAUGHTER ] 497 00:23:38,901 --> 00:23:42,138 AND THAT APARTMENT WAS ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE SECRET 498 00:23:42,138 --> 00:23:42,572 SERVICE BUILDING. 499 00:23:42,572 --> 00:23:42,905 [ LAUGHTER ] 500 00:23:42,905 --> 00:23:44,373 >> Jimmy: OH MY GOODNESS. 501 00:23:44,373 --> 00:23:50,746 >> SO WE HAD ‐‐ IT HAD A VIBE, IT HAD A PLANNED VIBE TO IT. 502 00:23:50,746 --> 00:23:56,185 BY THE WAY, THAT WE ALL KNOW IT'S THE SECRET SERVICE 503 00:23:56,185 --> 00:23:58,487 BUILDING, AGAIN, NOT SO SECRET. 504 00:23:58,487 --> 00:24:01,924 >> Jimmy: JOHN MULANEY. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL SEE A 505 00:24:01,924 --> 00:24:06,362 LITTLE BIT, A SMIDGEN OF THE NEW SEASON OF "BIG MOUTH" WHICH 506 00:24:06,362 --> 00:24:06,996 PREMIERES FRIDAY ON NETFLIX. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 507 00:24:06,996 --> 00:24:09,265 >> Dicky: PORTIONS OF "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" ARE BROUGHT TO YOU 508 00:24:09,265 --> 00:24:10,866 BY AFFIRM. FLEXIBLE AND TRANSPARENT PAYMENT 509 00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:13,669 ALTERNATIVE TO CREDIT CARDS AT RETAILERS LIKE WILLIAMS AND 510 00:24:13,669 --> 00:24:14,224 SONOMA AND NORDSTROM. 511 00:24:20,976 --> 00:24:23,112 >>> THIS IS JESSE'S NEW BOYFRIEND, I GUESS? 512 00:24:23,112 --> 00:24:25,748 >> OH LORD THIS GUY'S SENSUAL AND DEEP. 513 00:24:25,748 --> 00:24:30,021 IF I'M DIANE LANE I AM CHEATING ON MY MEAN OLD HUSBAND WITH THIS 514 00:24:30,021 --> 00:24:30,386 ONE. 515 00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:33,722 >> SPRAY PAINTING SHIRTLESS? 516 00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:36,292 >> IT'S LIKE, DITCH THE PANTS ALREADY. 517 00:24:36,292 --> 00:24:37,226 >> IS HE SWEATING IN THAT PICTURE? 518 00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:41,564 CLICK ON THAT, SCREEN GRAB IT, EMAIL IT TO MY SECRET ACCOUNT 519 00:24:41,564 --> 00:24:43,132 AND DELETE FROM IT "SENT" ITEMS. 520 00:24:43,132 --> 00:24:46,569 >> JESSE, WE SHOULD ALL MEET UP IN THE CITY. 521 00:24:46,569 --> 00:24:50,739 >> IF WE'RE FORCED TO MEET MICHELANGELO, GET IT OVER WITH. 522 00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:54,443 >> HE'LL SIT ON YOUR CHEST, YOU'LL SIT ON HIS, WHO CARES? 523 00:24:54,443 --> 00:25:01,884 >> Jimmy: JOHN MULANEY AND NICK KROLL IN "BIG MOUTH" ON NETFLIX. 524 00:25:01,884 --> 00:25:02,952 SUCH A FUNNY SHOW. 525 00:25:02,952 --> 00:25:07,857 >> ALL CREDIT TO NICK KROLL AND ANDREW GOLDBERG FOR CREATING 526 00:25:07,857 --> 00:25:10,192 THAT, AND MARK AND JEN, I JUST DO VOICE. 527 00:25:10,192 --> 00:25:15,998 I USE MY VOICE, MY BEAUTIFUL VOICE, TO PLAY A HORNY CHILD. 528 00:25:15,998 --> 00:25:22,271 >> Jimmy: DO YOU LIKE USING YOUR VOICE TO PLAY A HORNY CHILD? 529 00:25:22,271 --> 00:25:25,541 >> I REALLY LIKE DOING VOICE‐OVER STUFF. 530 00:25:25,541 --> 00:25:32,248 I REALLY, REALLY ENJOY IT. BECAUSE IT'S EASY. 531 00:25:32,248 --> 00:25:36,085 AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET ‐‐ YOU KNOW, YOU WALK INTO LIKE A ‐‐ 532 00:25:36,085 --> 00:25:37,887 ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT. EXCEPT FOR THE PERFORMANCE IS 533 00:25:37,887 --> 00:25:42,958 REQUIRED. THE ONE THING THAT'S A LITTLE ‐‐ 534 00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:47,396 NOT FRUSTRATING, BUT ONE THING THAT I REALIZE AGAIN AND AGAIN I 535 00:25:47,396 --> 00:25:54,670 HAVE TO DO IS, BECAUSE HE'S A HORNY CHILD, HE IS OFTEN 536 00:25:54,670 --> 00:25:57,172 ACHIEVING SATISFACTION IN HIS OWN ROOM, THIS BOY. 537 00:25:57,172 --> 00:25:58,307 HE'S MASTURBATING. 538 00:25:58,307 --> 00:26:01,010 >> Jimmy: RIGHT, RIGHT, YEAH. I'M FAMILIAR WITH IT. 539 00:26:01,010 --> 00:26:03,946 >> YOU WERE SORT OF LOOKING AT ‐‐ YOUR EXPRESSION, I 540 00:26:03,946 --> 00:26:07,550 WONDERED IF YOU NEEDED MORE CONTENT. 541 00:26:07,550 --> 00:26:07,883 [ LAUGHTER ] 542 00:26:07,883 --> 00:26:10,019 >> Jimmy: I'VE READ ABOUT IT, YEAH. 543 00:26:10,019 --> 00:26:17,927 >> SO I HAPPEN TO MAKE A LOT OF ‐‐ UGHH! OR ‐‐ DUHH! 544 00:26:17,927 --> 00:26:22,998 THAT TYPE NOISE. THAT'S THE NOISE THAT PEOPLE 545 00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:28,203 MAKE, I GUESS. SO FOR THE VERISIMILITUDE ‐‐ IS 546 00:26:28,203 --> 00:26:31,140 THAT THE WORD? IT'S IMPORTANT TO GET IT CORRECT. 547 00:26:31,140 --> 00:26:35,711 WE'RE IN SEASON 4 NOW AND I'VE BEEN MAKING CLIMAXING NOISES FOR 548 00:26:35,711 --> 00:26:38,614 LIKE 3 1/2 YEARS. AND NOW WHEN THEY ASK FOR THEM 549 00:26:38,614 --> 00:26:40,482 I'M LIKE, DON'T YOU HAVE LIKE A BANK OF THESE ALREADY? 550 00:26:40,482 --> 00:26:42,318 [ LAUGHTER ] 551 00:26:42,318 --> 00:26:45,621 DON'T YOU HAVE, LIKE, 100 YOU CAN CHOOSE FROM? 552 00:26:45,621 --> 00:26:50,192 I'M STILL STANDING HERE GOING, OH, YEAH OH, YEAH, GUHH! 553 00:26:50,192 --> 00:26:51,660 THEY'RE LIKE COULD YOU DO IT WITH A QUESTION MARK AT THE END? 554 00:26:51,660 --> 00:26:56,665 [ LAUGHTER ] 555 00:26:56,665 --> 00:27:00,502 THOSE ARE ALL EFFORTS. WHEN YOU'VE DONE VOICE‐OVER ‐‐ 556 00:27:00,502 --> 00:27:02,604 HAVE YOU DONE ‐‐ WHEN THEY CALL IT EFFORTS? 557 00:27:02,604 --> 00:27:04,473 >> Jimmy: I HATE DOING THE NOISES, YES. 558 00:27:04,473 --> 00:27:06,442 NOW YOU'RE RUNNING, NOW YOU'RE PANTING. 559 00:27:06,442 --> 00:27:07,843 IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT. 560 00:27:07,843 --> 00:27:10,546 >> I'M LIKE, I'M NOT AN ACTOR, YOU KNOW? 561 00:27:10,546 --> 00:27:12,948 I TOOK THIS BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO GET DRESSED. 562 00:27:12,948 --> 00:27:14,917 [ LAUGHTER ] 563 00:27:14,917 --> 00:27:18,954 I'M NOT SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO TALK WHILE RUNNING. 564 00:27:18,954 --> 00:27:21,190 >> Jimmy: WELL, JOHN, EVERYTHING YOU DO IS GREAT. 565 00:27:21,190 --> 00:27:23,125 I HONESTLY MEAN THAT. I THANK YOU FOR BEING ON THE 566 00:27:23,125 --> 00:27:26,895 SHOW TONIGHT. SEASON 4 OF "BIG MOUTH" 567 00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:27,963 PREMIERES FRIDAY ON NETFLIX. JOHN MULANEY, EVERYBODY. 568 00:27:27,963 --> 00:27:28,464 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 569 00:27:28,464 --> 00:27:29,698 >> THANK YOU, BUY IT IN STORES NOW. 570 00:27:29,698 --> 00:27:31,467 >> Jimmy: BE BACK WITH RITA WILSON! 571 00:27:39,975 --> 00:27:40,444 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 572 00:27:40,444 --> 00:27:40,809 ♪ 573 00:27:40,809 --> 00:27:45,848 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. RITA WILSON AND DEVON GILFILLIAN 574 00:27:45,848 --> 00:27:48,350 ARE ON THE THE WAY. THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO GET 575 00:27:48,350 --> 00:27:50,686 OFF MY CHEST. I BOUGHT A PURCHASE AND I'M 576 00:27:50,686 --> 00:27:52,721 UPSET ABOUT IT. WHAT I BOUGHT WAS A TURTLE. 577 00:27:52,721 --> 00:27:53,422 >> Guillermo: I AM THE TURTLE. 578 00:27:53,422 --> 00:27:57,393 >> Jimmy: HE IS THE TURTLE. HE SEEMS GREAT, SEEMS LIKE A 579 00:27:57,393 --> 00:28:01,663 GOOD TURTLE. WHEN YOU EXAMINE HIM CLOSELY, 580 00:28:01,663 --> 00:28:05,434 LOOK AT THIS FINE PRINT. TURTLE OWNER AGREES TO 581 00:28:05,434 --> 00:28:08,971 ADMINISTER THREE WAXES TO SHELL A DAY. 582 00:28:08,971 --> 00:28:13,208 TURTLE OWNER AGREES THAT TURTLE WILL SLEEP IN OR ON TOP OF OWNER 583 00:28:13,208 --> 00:28:19,648 BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 10 P. M. AND 7 A. M. IN? 584 00:28:19,648 --> 00:28:20,082 >> Guillermo: YEP. 585 00:28:20,082 --> 00:28:23,052 >> Jimmy: CANNOT BE COMBINED WITH OTHER TURTLES OR REPTILES. 586 00:28:23,052 --> 00:28:26,321 SOME RESTRICTIONS APPLY. OWNER SHALL PAY THE TURTLE $40? 587 00:28:26,321 --> 00:28:28,123 >> Guillermo: IT IS A HIDDEN FEE. 588 00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:30,926 >> Jimmy: I HATE THOSE. YOU DON'T WANT TO GET FOOLED BY 589 00:28:30,926 --> 00:28:37,032 FINE PRINT. PAY WITH A FIRM. T AFFIRM, THE ALTERNATIVE TO 590 00:28:37,032 --> 00:28:39,501 CREDIT CARDS, AVAILABLE AT THOUSANDS OF RETAILERS AND 591 00:28:39,501 --> 00:28:43,072 DOESN'T CHARGE HIDDEN FEES. IT SAYS HERE OWNER MUST FEED THE 592 00:28:43,072 --> 00:28:43,872 TURTLE CABBAGE. 593 00:28:43,872 --> 00:28:45,507 >> Guillermo: THAT'S RIGHT. AND IF YOU DON'T, YOU WILL HEAR 594 00:28:45,507 --> 00:28:46,041 FROM MY ATTORNEYS. 595 00:28:46,041 --> 00:28:46,742 >> Jimmy: AND HOW'S THE CABBAGE? 596 00:28:46,742 --> 00:28:49,611 >> Guillermo: I LOVE IT. 597 00:28:49,611 --> 00:28:55,884 >> Dicky: AFFIRM IS GIVING AWAY $10,000 EACH TO 100 PEOPLE WHO 598 00:28:55,884 --> 00:29:02,591 SUBMIT READINGS OF SNEAKY FINE PRINT. GO TO 599 00:29:02,591 --> 00:29:04,259 WWW.AFFIRM.COM/GIFTSTHATGOTCHAS FOR RULES AND REQUIREMENTS. 600 00:29:11,834 --> 00:29:12,334 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 601 00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:17,106 ♪ 602 00:29:17,106 --> 00:29:21,910 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. TH MUSIC FROM DEVON GILFILLIAN IS 603 00:29:21,910 --> 00:29:24,980 ON THE WAY. OUR NEXT GUEST GRADUATED WITHIN 604 00:29:24,980 --> 00:29:29,251 50 YARDS OF THIS STUDIO. GREW UP TO BECOME A FAMOUS 605 00:29:29,251 --> 00:29:32,287 ACTRESS, PRODUCER, SINGER. HER SINGLES "EVERYBODY CRIES" 606 00:29:32,287 --> 00:29:37,759 AND I WANT TO KISS BOB DYLAN" ARE OUT NOW. 607 00:29:37,759 --> 00:29:41,497 PLEASE WELCOME RITA WILSON! 608 00:29:41,497 --> 00:29:41,997 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 609 00:29:41,997 --> 00:29:46,001 ♪ 610 00:29:46,001 --> 00:29:48,637 >> Jimmy: WELCOME. RITA, CAN I BE HONEST WITH YOU 611 00:29:48,637 --> 00:29:52,242 ANY FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY 612 00:29:52,242 --> 00:29:52,575 ABOUT. 613 00:29:52,575 --> 00:29:52,908 >> I KNOW. 614 00:29:52,908 --> 00:29:54,945 >> Jimmy: BECAUSE YOU MUST BE BRIMMING WITH ANTIBODIES RIGHT 615 00:29:54,945 --> 00:29:55,310 NOW. 616 00:29:55,310 --> 00:29:59,915 >> I STILT HAVE ANTIBODIES. AND I GET TESTED EVERY COUPLE OF 617 00:29:59,915 --> 00:30:03,418 MONTHS BECAUSE WE'RE PART OF A PROGRAM AT UCLA AND THEY TEST US. 618 00:30:03,418 --> 00:30:06,588 SO FAR WE STILL HAVE THEM. THEY DIMINISH AS YOU GET FARTHER 619 00:30:06,588 --> 00:30:07,789 AWAY FROM YOUR INFECTION. 620 00:30:07,789 --> 00:30:08,223 >> Jimmy: RIGHT. 621 00:30:08,223 --> 00:30:09,992 >> BUT THEY'RE STILL THERE HELPING US OUT. 622 00:30:09,992 --> 00:30:12,895 >> Jimmy: THAT'S GREAT. YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SAY ‐‐ FIRST 623 00:30:12,895 --> 00:30:16,665 OF ALL, IS IT WEIRD FOR YOU TO COME HERE WHEN YOU GRADUATED 624 00:30:16,665 --> 00:30:17,499 HIGH SCHOOL RIGHT THERE? 625 00:30:17,499 --> 00:30:20,369 >> NO, WHAT'S WEIRD, I WENT TO HOLLYWOOD HIGH, AS YOU KNOW, 626 00:30:20,369 --> 00:30:22,571 RIGHT THERE, LITERALLY IN THE ALLEY. 627 00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:30,379 AND THE WEIRD THING WAS THAT OUR TEAM WAS CALLED THE SHEIKHS. 628 00:30:30,379 --> 00:30:32,347 WHICH WAS ALSO THE NAME OF THE CONDOMS. 629 00:30:32,347 --> 00:30:35,684 >> Jimmy: MINE WAS THE TROJANS IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. 630 00:30:35,684 --> 00:30:36,018 [ LAUGHTER ] 631 00:30:36,018 --> 00:30:38,720 MY JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL, THEY'RE LIKE, OH, NO WE'VE GOT TO CHANGE 632 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,656 THIS. THEY CHANGES IT TO THE TITANS. 633 00:30:40,656 --> 00:30:43,159 WHICH UNBEKNOWNST TO THEM IS ALSO A CONDOM. 634 00:30:43,159 --> 00:30:43,492 [ LAUGHTER ] 635 00:30:43,492 --> 00:30:46,929 >> WAIT, THAT IS SO WEIRD. BECAUSE THERE'S A SCHOOL, I 636 00:30:46,929 --> 00:30:51,267 THINK FAIRFAX HIGH SCHOOL, AND THEIR MASCOT IS THE MAGNUMS. 637 00:30:51,267 --> 00:30:51,600 [ LAUGHTER ] 638 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:58,073 >> THE MAGNUMS, RIGHT. AND IN ‐‐ I THINK GUILLERMO IN 639 00:30:58,073 --> 00:30:59,041 NORTHRIDGE, THEY'RE JUST CALLED THE RUBBERS. 640 00:30:59,041 --> 00:31:04,780 [ LAUGHTER ] 641 00:31:04,780 --> 00:31:05,113 [ APPLAUSE ] 642 00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:08,150 SO YOU HAVE MADE ‐‐ YOU HAVE TWO SINGLES OUT NOW. 643 00:31:08,150 --> 00:31:08,483 >> YES. 644 00:31:08,483 --> 00:31:10,352 >> Jimmy: ONE COMING OUT ON FRIDAY, CORRECT? 645 00:31:10,352 --> 00:31:10,919 >> RIGHT. 646 00:31:10,919 --> 00:31:13,655 >> Jimmy: WHAT'S THE ONE COMING OUT ON FRIDAY? 647 00:31:13,655 --> 00:31:16,625 >> THE ONE COMING OUT ON FRIDAY IS "PRAY POR PEACE." 648 00:31:16,625 --> 00:31:17,726 >> Jimmy: DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOING TO WORK? 649 00:31:17,726 --> 00:31:21,830 >> I'M GOING TO PRAY FOR IT. WE'RE GOING TO PRAY FOR IT. 650 00:31:21,830 --> 00:31:22,831 WELL, SOUNDS GOOD. 651 00:31:22,831 --> 00:31:25,267 >> Jimmy: "PRAY FOR PEACE." WE HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. 652 00:31:25,267 --> 00:31:27,736 >> I KNOW, EXACTLY, THAT'S WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO. 653 00:31:27,736 --> 00:31:31,607 >> Jimmy: "I WANT TO KISS BOB DYLAN," YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW 654 00:31:31,607 --> 00:31:33,976 WHO COULD DO THAT, YOU HAVE THE ANTIBODIES. 655 00:31:33,976 --> 00:31:35,410 [ LAUGHTER ] 656 00:31:35,410 --> 00:31:37,312 DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KISS BOB DYLAN? 657 00:31:37,312 --> 00:31:39,781 IT LOOKS LIKE HE HASN'T EVER BRUSHED HIS TEETH. 658 00:31:39,781 --> 00:31:41,183 >> NO! FIRST OF ALL, YOU KNOW THAT 659 00:31:41,183 --> 00:31:43,885 CAN'T BE TRUE. BOB DYLAN HAS HAD A LOT OF 660 00:31:43,885 --> 00:31:44,586 LADIES IN HIS LIFE. 661 00:31:44,586 --> 00:31:45,621 >> Jimmy: I'M SURE HE HAS. 662 00:31:45,621 --> 00:31:49,058 >> HERE'S THE THING, IT'S LIKE A METAPHORICAL KISSING OF BOB 663 00:31:49,058 --> 00:31:49,391 DYLAN. 664 00:31:49,391 --> 00:31:49,925 >> Jimmy: I SEE. 665 00:31:49,925 --> 00:31:55,130 >> LIKE IT'S THE ESSENCE ‐‐ AS I WAS LISTENING TO "TIME OUT OF 666 00:31:55,130 --> 00:31:59,034 MIND," THAT ALBUM, I WAS STRUCK BY HOW VULNERABLE HE WAS. 667 00:31:59,034 --> 00:32:02,104 HE MUST HAVE JUST GONE THROUGH A BAD BREAKUP OR SOMETHING. 668 00:32:02,104 --> 00:32:05,574 AND I STARTED GETTING INTO THE MUSIC THINKING, OH MY GOD, LOOK, 669 00:32:05,574 --> 00:32:08,377 HE'S SO ROMANTIC. HE'S STANDING UNDER A DOORWAY, 670 00:32:08,377 --> 00:32:10,812 HE'S SINGING TO THIS WOMAN, HE WANTS HER TO COME BACK. 671 00:32:10,812 --> 00:32:15,217 I WANT TO KISS BOB DYLAN, THAT GUY WHO'S LIKE WRITING THE SONGS. 672 00:32:15,217 --> 00:32:17,886 BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW PEOPLE ARE NOT THE WAY THEY REALLY ARE IN 673 00:32:17,886 --> 00:32:18,220 REAL LIFE. 674 00:32:18,220 --> 00:32:19,521 >> Jimmy: NO, THEY'RE NOT. 675 00:32:19,521 --> 00:32:20,989 >> ONE TIME I DID MEET HIM. 676 00:32:20,989 --> 00:32:21,857 >> Jimmy: YOU DID? 677 00:32:21,857 --> 00:32:27,095 >> YES, AND I SHOOK HIS HAND. BUT HE DID THIS FUNNY HANDSHAKE. 678 00:32:27,095 --> 00:32:30,966 LIKE WHERE HE DIDN'T ‐‐ LIKE HIS HAND DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. 679 00:32:30,966 --> 00:32:31,400 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 680 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:33,602 >> IT WAS JUST THERE. SO I THOUGHT, MAYBE HE'S DOING 681 00:32:33,602 --> 00:32:36,571 THAT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT ANYBODY TO SQUEEZE HIS HAND. 682 00:32:36,571 --> 00:32:40,709 BUT I WAS LIKE ‐‐ NO, BECAUSE IF SOMEBODY SQUEEZED HIS HAND 683 00:32:40,709 --> 00:32:43,145 THEY'D STILL SQUEEZE HIS HAND. BUT IT WAS JUST SITTING THERE. 684 00:32:43,145 --> 00:32:44,179 HAVE YOU EVER HAD THOSE HANDSHAKES? 685 00:32:44,179 --> 00:32:47,149 >> Jimmy: I HAVE HAD THOSE. AND I WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT 686 00:32:47,149 --> 00:32:49,418 THAT IS HOW BOB DYLAN SHAKES HANDS. 687 00:32:49,418 --> 00:32:52,888 AND I UNDERSTAND NOW WHY YOU WOULD WANT TO JUST KISS HIM 688 00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:54,823 INSTEAD. 689 00:32:54,823 --> 00:32:55,157 [ LAUGHTER ] 690 00:32:55,157 --> 00:32:58,493 BECAUSE THERE'S LITTLE MORE DISTURBING THAN GETTING THAT 691 00:32:58,493 --> 00:33:01,530 HANDSHAKE, THAT NOTHING, FISH HANDSHAKE. 692 00:33:01,530 --> 00:33:05,467 IN ADDITION TO SINGING, WHICH I KNOW IS SOMETHING THAT YOU LOVE 693 00:33:05,467 --> 00:33:06,068 TO DO. 694 00:33:06,068 --> 00:33:06,535 >> YES. 695 00:33:06,535 --> 00:33:10,472 >> Jimmy: WHICH DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR SIDE JOB? ACTING, SINGING? 696 00:33:10,472 --> 00:33:13,709 >> THEY'RE SO DIFFERENT. THEY'RE BOTH LIKE MY MAIN JOBS. 697 00:33:13,709 --> 00:33:16,078 BECAUSE I WORK TWO JOBS, PUT IT THAT WAY. 698 00:33:16,078 --> 00:33:20,016 >> Jimmy: ON TOP OF IT, YOU ACTUALLY MADE THE COVER ART 699 00:33:20,016 --> 00:33:20,349 YOURSELF. 700 00:33:20,349 --> 00:33:21,183 >> YES. 701 00:33:21,183 --> 00:33:22,252 >> Jimmy: THERE'S BOB DYLAN. 702 00:33:22,252 --> 00:33:22,617 >> YES. 703 00:33:22,617 --> 00:33:25,354 >> Jimmy: YOU PAINTED THIS. WHAT PAINTS DID YOU USE, 704 00:33:25,354 --> 00:33:25,687 WATERCOLOR? 705 00:33:25,687 --> 00:33:29,057 >> I USED WATERCOLOR. BOB DYLAN, THIS IS ALSO HOMAGE 706 00:33:29,057 --> 00:33:32,461 TO BOB DYLAN. IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE I'M A 707 00:33:32,461 --> 00:33:33,628 STALKER OF BOB DYLAN. 708 00:33:33,628 --> 00:33:35,197 >> Jimmy: MAYBE YOU ARE. 709 00:33:35,197 --> 00:33:37,899 >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW BOB DYLAN EVEN KNOWS ABOUT THE SONG. 710 00:33:37,899 --> 00:33:38,367 >> Jimmy: OH. 711 00:33:38,367 --> 00:33:41,570 >> IT'S LIKE WORK, HE KNOW ABOUT THE SONG? I DON'T KNOW. 712 00:33:41,570 --> 00:33:44,406 DOES BOB DYLAN KNOW ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS? 713 00:33:44,406 --> 00:33:47,175 >> Jimmy: DOES BOB DYLAN KNOW ABOUT STUFF? THAT'S THE THING. 714 00:33:47,175 --> 00:33:50,412 >> DOES HE KNOW, OH, PEOPLE ARE WRITING SONGS ABOUT ME, SOME 715 00:33:50,412 --> 00:33:52,280 LADY WANTS TO KISS ME? I DON'T KNOW. 716 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,483 >> Jimmy: IT'S PROBABLY NOT THE FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED. 717 00:33:54,483 --> 00:33:58,420 BUT IT'S PROBABLY THE FIRST TIME A BIG STAR WROTE A SONG LIKE 718 00:33:58,420 --> 00:34:00,856 THIS. OH, YOU TAGGED HIM? 719 00:34:00,856 --> 00:34:01,490 >> LIKE MAYBE A THOUSAND TIMES. 720 00:34:01,490 --> 00:34:04,559 [ LAUGHTER ] 721 00:34:04,559 --> 00:34:06,461 I MEAN, IT WASN'T SO BAD. 722 00:34:06,461 --> 00:34:07,998 >> Jimmy: WHAT DID YOU DIAGNOSE HIM ON, INSTAGRAM? 723 00:34:07,998 --> 00:34:08,363 >> YES. 724 00:34:08,363 --> 00:34:10,298 >> Jimmy: HE HAS INSTAGRAM? 725 00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:12,768 >> BOB DYLAN HAS LIKE HIS OFFICIAL INSTAGRAM. 726 00:34:12,768 --> 00:34:13,368 >> Jimmy: AH. 727 00:34:13,368 --> 00:34:16,838 >> IT'S NOT LIKE BOB DYLAN'S SITTING THERE GOING, HEY, MAN, 728 00:34:16,838 --> 00:34:20,709 LOOK AT ME, I'M DRIVING DOWN SUNSET BOULEVARD WITH SOME PALM 729 00:34:20,709 --> 00:34:25,113 TREES, YOU KNOW, HE'S NOT DOING THAT. THE SHEIKHS. 730 00:34:25,113 --> 00:34:25,514 [ LAUGHTER ] 731 00:34:25,514 --> 00:34:28,750 >> Jimmy: I WONDER IF HE'S USING THOSE HANDS OF HIS TO TEXT, TO 732 00:34:28,750 --> 00:34:31,720 DO ANY OF THAT. THERE'S NO 28, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. 733 00:34:31,720 --> 00:34:33,755 >> THAT'S WHY HE'S PROTECTING HIS HANDS, BECAUSE OF PAINTING. 734 00:34:33,755 --> 00:34:35,190 >> Jimmy: FOR INSTAGRAM? 735 00:34:35,190 --> 00:34:38,827 >> NO, HE WANTS TO PROTECT HIS HANDS, HE CAN'T DO INSTAGRAM, 736 00:34:38,827 --> 00:34:41,830 BECAUSE THE THUMBS WOULD GET TOO ‐‐ 737 00:34:41,830 --> 00:34:44,500 >> Jimmy: NOW YOU'RE MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM WHAT IS YOU'RE 738 00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:44,833 DOING. 739 00:34:44,833 --> 00:34:46,301 >> YES, I AM. I LOVE BOB DYLAN. 740 00:34:46,301 --> 00:34:47,769 I EVEN HAD A DREAM ABOUT HIM. 741 00:34:47,769 --> 00:34:49,805 >> Jimmy: YOU DID? RECENTLY? 742 00:34:49,805 --> 00:34:53,775 >> YEAH, WE WERE BUDLIES ARE IN THE DREAM WE WERE BUDDIES. 743 00:34:53,775 --> 00:34:56,411 I WAS AT HIS HOUSE. IT WAS LIKE A MEDITERRANEAN 744 00:34:56,411 --> 00:34:59,481 HOUSE. IT WAS BIG, FLUFFY COUCHES AND 745 00:34:59,481 --> 00:35:03,218 DOGS. AND HE WAS LIKE, HEY, MAN! WE WERE BUDDIES. 746 00:35:03,218 --> 00:35:04,853 OH MY GOD, THIS IS SOUNDING SO CRAY‐CRAY. 747 00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:08,557 [ LAUGHTER ] 748 00:35:08,557 --> 00:35:11,426 >> Jimmy: YOUR INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT, YOU PUT SOME GOOD STUFF 749 00:35:11,426 --> 00:35:13,228 ON THERE. YOU PUT THIS ‐‐ WE HAVE A 750 00:35:13,228 --> 00:35:14,863 COMMERCIAL THAT YOU PUT ON, LET'S RUN THAT. 751 00:35:14,863 --> 00:35:16,698 >> OH NO. 752 00:35:16,698 --> 00:35:22,003 >> PLANNING A BIG OUTDOOR PARTY THAT BECOMES A BIG INDOOR PARTY. 753 00:35:22,003 --> 00:35:24,372 ♪ NERVOUS IS WHY YOU NEED SOFT 754 00:35:24,372 --> 00:35:25,440 AND DRI. 755 00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:29,711 >> NOTHING KEEPS YOU DRIER WHEN YOU'RE NERVOUS. 756 00:35:29,711 --> 00:35:30,812 [ APPLAUSE ] 757 00:35:30,812 --> 00:35:33,515 >> Jimmy: BOY, I REMEMBER THAT JINGLE FOR SURE. 758 00:35:33,515 --> 00:35:35,550 I DON'T KNOW IF I REMEMBER THAT PARTICULAR COMMERCIAL. 759 00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:36,518 DO YOU REMEMBER THAT DAY? 760 00:35:36,518 --> 00:35:40,121 >> I DO REMEMBER THAT DAY. BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A 761 00:35:40,121 --> 00:35:42,457 POOL PARTY. AND WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE 762 00:35:42,457 --> 00:35:45,861 WEARING BATHING SUITS. THEN THEY MADE ME PUT THAT 763 00:35:45,861 --> 00:35:47,162 LITTLE SHIRT ON OVER IT. BECAUSE MAYBE IT WAS JUST A 764 00:35:47,162 --> 00:35:48,897 LITTLE ‐‐ 765 00:35:48,897 --> 00:35:50,232 >> Jimmy: TOO SEXY FOR TELEVISION? 766 00:35:50,232 --> 00:35:52,067 >> MAYBE A LITTLE TOO SEXY. 767 00:35:52,067 --> 00:35:54,403 >> Jimmy: DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH YOU GOT PAID FOR THAT 768 00:35:54,403 --> 00:35:54,736 COMMERCIAL? 769 00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:57,806 >> IT WAS ‐‐ I DON'T REMEMBER HOW MUCH I GOT PAID. 770 00:35:57,806 --> 00:36:02,077 PROBABLY ACTOR'S SCALE. BUT IT WAS A NATIONAL 771 00:36:02,077 --> 00:36:04,513 COMMERCIAL, SO YOU MAKE A TON OF RESIDUALS ON THAT STUFF. 772 00:36:04,513 --> 00:36:06,848 THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE YOU SIT AT HOME AND CHECKS COME IN, IN THE 773 00:36:06,848 --> 00:36:09,017 OLDEN DAYS, I DON'T THINK IT WORKS THAT WAY ANYMORE. 774 00:36:09,017 --> 00:36:13,490 >> Jimmy: DID THEY GIVE YOU FREE DEODORANT? 775 00:36:13,490 --> 00:36:13,855 >> NO. 776 00:36:13,855 --> 00:36:14,823 >> Jimmy: OH, WOW. 777 00:36:14,823 --> 00:36:15,390 >> WOW. 778 00:36:15,390 --> 00:36:21,596 >> Jimmy: THEY MISMANAGED THE CO COMPANY. 779 00:36:21,596 --> 00:36:21,997 >> MAYBE. 780 00:36:21,997 --> 00:36:24,666 >> Jimmy: IS SOFT AND DRI AROUND ANYMORE? 781 00:36:24,666 --> 00:36:28,403 >> I THINK IT'S FAILED. BAD BUSINESS PRACTICES. 782 00:36:28,403 --> 00:36:34,109 >> Jimmy: IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU. "EVERYBODY DCRIES" AND "I WANT O 783 00:36:34,109 --> 00:36:35,644 KISS BOB DYLAN." AND "PRAY FOR PEACE" ON FRIDAY. 784 00:36:55,664 --> 00:36:57,232 >> Dicky: THE JIMMY KIMMEL 785 00:36:57,232 --> 00:37:04,573 CONCERT SERIES IS PRESENTED BY 786 00:37:04,573 --> 00:37:06,174 MERCED MERCEDES‐BENZ, THE BEST IS NOTHING. 787 00:37:06,174 --> 00:37:09,110 >> Jimmy: THANKS TO JOHN MULANEY AND RITA WILSON, APOLOGIES TO 788 00:37:09,110 --> 00:37:11,379 MATT DAMON. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, BUT FIRST, 789 00:37:11,379 --> 00:37:12,647 HIS ALBUM IS CALLED "BLACK HOLE RAINBOW" WITH THE SONG "THE GOOD 790 00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:17,252 LIFE" ‐‐ DEVON GILFILLIAN! 791 00:37:17,252 --> 00:37:20,555 ♪ 792 00:37:20,555 --> 00:37:35,870 ♪ 793 00:37:35,870 --> 00:37:37,038 ♪ HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY 794 00:37:37,038 --> 00:37:40,308 TROUBLE WAS SO FAR AWAY MAKING CASTLES IN THE SAND ♪ 795 00:37:40,308 --> 00:37:42,310 ♪ EVERYONE A DIFFERENT SHADE 796 00:37:42,310 --> 00:37:45,747 BUT EVERYBODY WAS THE SAME WHEN THE LION KISSED 797 00:37:45,747 --> 00:38:01,963 THE LAMB ♪ 798 00:38:04,332 --> 00:38:05,800 ♪ SO IT SEEMS 799 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:07,068 IN MY DREAMS MAY IT BE ♪ 800 00:38:07,068 --> 00:38:07,569 ♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT 801 00:38:07,569 --> 00:38:08,536 THAT GOOD LIFE 802 00:38:08,536 --> 00:38:17,812 I CAN SEE ♪ 803 00:38:17,812 --> 00:38:19,247 ♪ ALL THE COLORS SHOW US 804 00:38:19,247 --> 00:38:22,984 WHAT IT REALLY MEANS 805 00:38:22,984 --> 00:38:29,991 TO BE BEAUTIFUL ♪ 806 00:38:29,991 --> 00:38:35,030 ♪ REMEMBER WHEN THE 807 00:38:35,030 --> 00:38:41,236 VIOLENCE STOPPED ALL THE DOORS WERE LEFT UNLOCKED ♪ 808 00:38:41,236 --> 00:38:44,072 ♪ AND THE STRANGER WAS YOUR 809 00:38:44,072 --> 00:38:44,539 BROTHER ♪ 810 00:38:44,539 --> 00:38:47,275 ♪ REMEMBER WHEN THE 811 00:38:47,275 --> 00:38:51,980 BANK GOT SOLD AND EVERYBODY TOOK THEIR GOLD ♪ 812 00:38:51,980 --> 00:38:53,181 ♪ AND EVERYBODY HELPED 813 00:38:53,181 --> 00:38:56,518 EACH OTHER ♪ 814 00:38:56,518 --> 00:38:58,753 ♪ SO IT SEEMS 815 00:38:58,753 --> 00:39:03,491 IN MY DREAMS MAY IT BE ♪ 816 00:39:03,491 --> 00:39:03,958 ♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT 817 00:39:03,958 --> 00:39:11,266 THAT GOOD LIFE 818 00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:14,269 I CAN SEE ♪ 819 00:39:14,269 --> 00:39:17,305 ♪ ALL THE COLORS SHOW 820 00:39:17,305 --> 00:39:24,546 US WHAT IT REALLY MEANS TO BE BEAUTIFUL ♪ 821 00:39:24,546 --> 00:39:25,280 ♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT 822 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:31,486 THAT GOOD LIFE WHEN WE ALL HAVE PEACE ♪ 823 00:39:31,486 --> 00:39:32,787 ♪ WE DON'T SHUT OUR DOORS 824 00:39:32,787 --> 00:39:40,495 AND TELL THEM ALL TO LEAVE 825 00:39:40,495 --> 00:39:52,640 ‘CAUSE THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪ 826 00:39:52,640 --> 00:39:53,141 ♪ COME ON WE GOTTA ACT 827 00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:56,544 A LOVE ATTACK TAKE YOUR MIND BACK IN TIME 828 00:39:56,544 --> 00:39:58,012 REWIND TO EDEN ♪ 829 00:39:58,012 --> 00:39:59,447 ♪ WHERE WE CAN FIND PEACE 830 00:39:59,447 --> 00:40:04,753 LORD IF WE'RE JUST BELIEVING ♪ 831 00:40:04,753 --> 00:40:06,087 ♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT 832 00:40:06,087 --> 00:40:14,129 THAT GOOD LIFE 833 00:40:14,129 --> 00:40:16,264 I CAN SEE ♪ 834 00:40:16,264 --> 00:40:16,798 ♪ ALL THE COLORS SHOW US 835 00:40:16,798 --> 00:40:19,067 WHAT IT REALLY MEANS 836 00:40:19,067 --> 00:40:29,310 TO BE BEAUTIFUL ♪ 837 00:40:29,310 --> 00:40:29,778 ♪ I'M TALKING ‘BOUT 838 00:40:29,778 --> 00:40:35,550 THAT GOOD LIFE 839 00:40:35,550 --> 00:40:39,754 WHEN WE ALL HAVE PEACE ♪ 840 00:40:39,754 --> 00:40:40,755 ♪ WE DON'T SHUT OUR DOORS 841 00:40:40,755 --> 00:40:41,556 AND TELL THEM ALL TO LEAVE 842 00:40:41,556 --> 00:40:50,632 ‘CAUSE THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL ♪