1 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:25,325 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 2 00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,630 ♪ 3 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:45,979 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 4 00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:48,782 ♪ 5 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:49,684 ♪ BA DA BA BA DA BA BA DA BA BA 6 00:00:49,684 --> 00:00:56,157 ♪ "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" ♪ 7 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,225 BACK AT HOME! 8 00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:57,758 >> Jimmy: HELLO THERE AND 9 00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:01,028 WELCOME TO THE SHOW. 10 00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:01,662 I'M JIMMY, I'M THE HOST OF THE 11 00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:02,997 SHOW. 12 00:01:02,997 --> 00:01:03,731 WELCOME TO MY HOUSE. 13 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:04,365 AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, I 14 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,634 DON'T KNOW ABOUT AMERICA YET, 15 00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:07,135 BUT I FEEL GREAT AGAIN. 16 00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:10,838 I REALLY DO. 17 00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:11,005 OH! 18 00:01:11,005 --> 00:01:13,608 >> HAVE A GREAT SHOW, JIMMY, AND 19 00:01:13,608 --> 00:01:16,177 DON'T FORGET YOUR BREAKFAST! 20 00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:16,777 >> Jimmy: THANK YOU, CARTOON 21 00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:18,346 BIRDS. 22 00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:21,315 MM, THAT REALLY HIT THE SPOT. 23 00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:23,084 WE HAVE A NEW PRESIDENT OF THE 24 00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:23,651 UNITED STATES. 25 00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:24,352 IT WAS INAUGURATION DAY HERE IN 26 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,888 THE USA. 27 00:01:26,888 --> 00:01:28,256 JOSEPH RAPUNZEL BIDEN IS OUR 28 00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:30,124 46th PRESIDENT. 29 00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:30,691 IT FEELS LIKE ‐‐ I HAVE TO 30 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:31,292 IMAGINE THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS 31 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:31,926 LIKE WHEN THE ONCOLOGIST CALLS 32 00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:32,493 AND TELLS YOU THE TUMOR IS 33 00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,863 BENIGN. 34 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:36,631 YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER GOING BACK 35 00:01:36,631 --> 00:01:40,134 TO THE DAY TRUMP WAS 36 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:41,035 INAUGURATED, SUCH A TERRIBLE 37 00:01:41,035 --> 00:01:42,503 DAY, AND WONDERING, CAN OUR 38 00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:43,137 COUNTRY EVEN SURVIVE FOUR YEARS 39 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:44,205 OF THIS? 40 00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:45,206 AND NOW WE KNOW THE ANSWER, NOT 41 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:45,973 REALLY. 42 00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:47,675 JUST BARELY. 43 00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:49,710 BUT WE MADE IT. 44 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:50,711 MAR‐A‐LARDO LEFT TOWN BRIGHT AND 45 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:54,448 EARLY THIS MORNING. 46 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,216 HE EXITED THE WHITE HOUSE VIA 47 00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:55,983 ONE OF HIS FAVORITE MODES OF 48 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:59,787 TRANSPORTATION, WITH THE HELP OF 49 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:06,427 AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE. 50 00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:06,928 >> DONALD! 51 00:02:06,928 --> 00:02:08,596 HEY, LOOK AT YOU, YOU BIG LUG, 52 00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,765 GET IN THERE, COME ON, GAME'S 53 00:02:10,765 --> 00:02:11,332 OVER. 54 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,868 VERY FINE SEATS ON BOTH SIDES. 55 00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:14,101 DRIVER? 56 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:14,669 GET US THE [ BLEEP ] OUT OF 57 00:02:14,669 --> 00:02:17,939 HERE. 58 00:02:17,939 --> 00:02:23,544 ♪ IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA ♪ 59 00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:25,546 >> Jimmy: AND HE LIVED GRABBILY 60 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,280 EVER AFTER. 61 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,949 BILLY BUSH ALWAYS GETS THE LAST 62 00:02:27,949 --> 00:02:28,282 LAUGH. 63 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:28,783 WHAT A DAY. 64 00:02:28,783 --> 00:02:29,283 THERE WAS NO VIOLENCE. 65 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:30,117 NO "UNREST." 66 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:30,751 IN FACT, AS FAR AS PROTESTS GO. 67 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:31,152 THIS WAS ABOUT IT. 68 00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:31,819 ONE GUY SHOWED UP AT THE 69 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,321 NEW YORK STATE CAPITOL. 70 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:34,322 HE SAID HE DROVE 45 MINUTES TO 71 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:35,323 STAGE A PROTEST, AND WAS 72 00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,057 DISAPPOINTED THAT NO ONE ELSE 73 00:02:36,057 --> 00:02:37,792 SHOWED UP. 74 00:02:37,792 --> 00:02:38,359 WELL, AT LEAST HE'S SOCIAL 75 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:43,798 DISTANCING. 76 00:02:43,798 --> 00:02:44,865 TODAY THIS COUNTRY SHOWED THE 77 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,667 WORLD THAT THERE IS NO MY PILLOW 78 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,468 LARGE ENOUGH TO SMOTHER OUR 79 00:02:47,468 --> 00:02:51,806 DEMOCRACY. 80 00:02:51,806 --> 00:02:52,440 IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL INAUGURATION 81 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:52,707 CEREMONY. 82 00:02:52,707 --> 00:02:53,274 WE GOT TO HEAR A POEM THAT 83 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:56,410 WASN'T BORING FROM A BRILLIANT 84 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:57,078 22‐YEAR‐OLD HERE IN LOS ANGELES 85 00:02:57,078 --> 00:03:00,314 NAMED AMANDA GORMAN. 86 00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:01,349 OUR NEW VICE PRESIDENT, KAMALA 87 00:03:01,349 --> 00:03:02,083 HARRIS, MADE HISTORY. 88 00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:05,019 AS DID HER SECOND LADY, DOUG. 89 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:05,753 GARTH BROOKS SANG "AMAZING 90 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:06,387 GRACE" AND THEN RAN AROUND AND 91 00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:06,988 KISSED EVERYBODY, COVID BE 92 00:03:06,988 --> 00:03:11,525 DAMNED. 93 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,160 AND THIS WAS PRETTY GREAT. 94 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:15,696 TWO WEEKS AGO A BUNCH OF 95 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:16,664 DANGEROUS IMBECILES WITH DONALD 96 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,366 TRUMP FLAGS TRIED TO OVERTHROW 97 00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:18,866 OUR GOVERNMENT. 98 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:23,604 TODAY ON THAT VERY SAME SPOT, WE 99 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:24,238 HAD THE NATIONAL ANTHEM SUNG BY 100 00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:24,505 LADY GAGA. 101 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:25,106 TO PARAPHRASE MICHELLE OBAMA, 102 00:03:25,106 --> 00:03:26,641 WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO J. LO. 103 00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,342 AND WE DID. 104 00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:30,077 IT WAS A VERY WELL‐DONE 105 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,345 INAUGURATION, HIGHLIGHTED BY A 106 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:32,847 STRONG AND ASSURING DEBUT FOR 107 00:03:32,847 --> 00:03:35,383 OUR NEW COMMANDER‐IN‐CHIEF. 108 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,419 JOE BIDEN GAVE A GREAT SPEECH. 109 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:38,986 HE SPOKE CONVINCINGLY ABOUT 110 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,755 UNITY AND HEALING. 111 00:03:40,755 --> 00:03:41,489 HE SAID IT'S TIME TO "END THIS 112 00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:42,256 UNCIVIL WAR." 113 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:42,890 IT WAS THE KIND OF SPEECH THAT 114 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:43,457 MADE YOU WANT TO CALL YOUR 115 00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:44,058 GRANDPA AND TELL HIM YOU LOVE 116 00:03:44,058 --> 00:03:51,532 HIM. 117 00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:52,500 IT REALLY WAS SPECIAL. 118 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:53,067 WATCHING THE OBAMAS, THE 119 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:56,237 CLINTONS, THE BUSHES, AND THE 120 00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:57,238 BIDENS ALL WALK THROUGH THAT 121 00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:57,872 DOOR, TO WELCOME A NEW PRESIDENT 122 00:03:57,872 --> 00:03:58,472 TO THE WHITE HOUSE. 123 00:03:58,472 --> 00:03:59,540 IT WAS LIKE WHEN ALL THE 124 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,542 AVENGERS CAME BACK TO BEAT 125 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:07,048 THANOS. 126 00:04:07,048 --> 00:04:07,548 THAT'S THE EXTENT OF MY 127 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:08,015 HISTORICAL REFERENCES. 128 00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:11,919 ALMOST EVERYONE AT THE 129 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:12,453 INAUGURATION WORE PURPLE. 130 00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,254 TO SHOW RED AND BLUE UNITY, ALSO 131 00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:15,323 A SHOUT‐OUT TO PRINCE. 132 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:15,923 UNFORTUNATELY, THEY FORGOT TO 133 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:16,557 TELL BERNIE SANDERS ABOUT THE 134 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:19,160 PURPLE PLAN. 135 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:19,794 HE WAS ONE OF THE FIRST PEOPLE 136 00:04:19,794 --> 00:04:20,695 THERE. 137 00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:21,295 HE SHOWED UP HOLDING A MANILA 138 00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:24,365 ENVELOPE. 139 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:25,066 AS IF HE HAD AN APPOINTMENT AT 140 00:04:25,066 --> 00:04:26,267 THE DMV. 141 00:04:26,267 --> 00:04:26,867 THERE WAS A LOT OF DISCUSSION 142 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,903 ABOUT WHAT BERNIE WAS WEARING. 143 00:04:28,903 --> 00:04:31,138 WHICH, AS YOU CAN SEE, WAS HIS 144 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:31,772 MOST FESTIVE MITTENS AND A MASK 145 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:32,373 HE FOUND ON THE FLOOR OF HIS 146 00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:34,175 WIFE'S SUBARU. 147 00:04:34,175 --> 00:04:36,410 SADLY, SENATOR SANDERS HAD TO 148 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:37,411 DUCK OUT EARLY WHEN HIS NEIGHBOR 149 00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,145 LARRY CALLED TO SAY HE FOUND HIS 150 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,949 HAT. 151 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,417 MIKE PENCE LEFT EARLY TOO. 152 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,453 THE NOW‐FORMER COMMANDER OF THE 153 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:46,687 SPACE FORCE DEPARTED IMMEDIATELY 154 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:50,925 AFTER BIDEN WAS SWORN IN. 155 00:04:50,925 --> 00:04:53,961 >> SO HELP YOU GOD? 156 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:55,930 >> SO HELP ME GOD. 157 00:04:55,930 --> 00:04:56,430 >> CONGRATULATIONS, MR. 158 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:56,697 PRESIDENT. 159 00:04:56,697 --> 00:05:06,073 ♪ 160 00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:06,707 >> Jimmy: BACK TO MOTHER ON THE 161 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,975 MOTHERSHIP. 162 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,977 AND WHILE JOE BIDEN WAS BEING 163 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:10,978 SWORN IN, IN FLORIDA, AT 164 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,414 MAR‐A‐LAGO, AN OMELET BAR 165 00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:15,516 ATTENDANT WAS BEING SWORN AT. 166 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,251 OUR CRAZY EX‐POTUS THREW HIMSELF 167 00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:18,252 A GOING AWAY PARTY AT JOINT BASE 168 00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:21,856 ANDREWS THIS MORNING. 169 00:05:21,856 --> 00:05:23,758 THE PRESIDENT WAS SAID TO BE 170 00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:26,327 VISIBLY DEJECTED BECAUSE NOT 171 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:26,927 MANY PEOPLE SHOWED UP FOR THE 172 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:27,762 PARTY. 173 00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:28,496 BUT THOSE WHO DID GOT TO SEE HIM 174 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:31,432 GIVE THANKS. 175 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,033 >> THIS HAS BEEN AN INCREDIBLE 176 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:33,634 FOUR YEARS. 177 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:34,902 WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH 178 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:35,169 TOGETHER. 179 00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:38,172 I WANT TO THANK ALL OF MY FAMILY 180 00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:42,777 AND MY FRIENDS AND MY STAFF AND 181 00:05:42,777 --> 00:05:44,044 SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE FOR BEING 182 00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:44,445 HERE. 183 00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:45,813 I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR 184 00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:47,381 EFFORT, YOUR HARD WORK. 185 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,149 PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD 186 00:05:48,149 --> 00:05:51,986 THIS FAMILY WORKED. 187 00:05:51,986 --> 00:05:52,620 THEY WORKED AND THEY WORKED FOR 188 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:53,487 YOU. 189 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:54,054 THEY COULD HAVE HAD A MUCH 190 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,390 EASIER LIFE. 191 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:57,091 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 192 00:05:57,091 --> 00:05:58,426 YOU REALLY SCREWED THEM ALL, 193 00:05:58,426 --> 00:05:59,160 DIDN'T YOU? 194 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,195 THE WHOLE TRUMP FAMILY WAS THERE 195 00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,696 TO HELP PRESIDADDY GO. 196 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,998 ERIC AND DJTJ CRIED AS THEIR 197 00:06:03,998 --> 00:06:07,168 FATHER LEFT ON AIR FORCE ONE. 198 00:06:07,168 --> 00:06:07,535 I TELL YOU WHAT. 199 00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:08,402 IT'S HEARTBREAKING TO SEE 200 00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:09,470 CHILDREN SEPARATED FROM THEIR 201 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:12,072 PARENTS, ISN'T IT? 202 00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,174 BUT BEFORE HE DID, THIS IS HOW 203 00:06:13,174 --> 00:06:15,976 TRUMP CLOSED THINGS OUT. 204 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:16,610 >> I HOPE THEY DON'T RAISE YOUR 205 00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:19,847 TAXES. 206 00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:24,118 BUT IF THEY DO, I TOLD YOU SO. 207 00:06:24,118 --> 00:06:26,620 SO JUST A GOOD‐BYE, WE LOVE YOU, 208 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:31,225 WE WILL BE BACK IN SOME FORM. 209 00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:31,926 SO HAVE A GOOD LIFE. 210 00:06:31,926 --> 00:06:33,093 WE WILL SEE YOU SOON. 211 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:36,163 >> Jimmy: "HAVE A GOOD LIFE." 212 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,465 THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY TO YOUR 213 00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:38,499 GIRLFRIEND WHEN SHE BREAKS UP 214 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,835 WITH YOU. 215 00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:42,069 "HAVE A GOOD LIFE!" 216 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,471 AND "WE WILL BE BACK IN SOME 217 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:43,671 FORM." 218 00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:45,539 THAT'S OMINOUS. 219 00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:46,040 WHAT FORM? 220 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:46,807 A DEMOGORGON? 221 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:47,808 A HORCRUX? 222 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:49,276 MAYBE HE'LL COME BACK AS THE 223 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:50,044 STAY PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN? 224 00:06:50,044 --> 00:06:52,012 I DON'T KNOW. 225 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:52,646 I JUST HOPE SOMEONE REMEMBERED 226 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:53,547 TO WAKE BEN CARSON UP TO LET HIM 227 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:54,181 KNOW HE NEEDS TO CLEAR OUT HIS 228 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:58,152 OFFICE. 229 00:06:58,152 --> 00:07:00,754 POSSIBLE HE'S STILL UP IN THERE. 230 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,089 AS FOR DONALD TRUMP, WHO KNOWS 231 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:02,389 WHAT'S NEXT? 232 00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:03,390 I'LL TELL YOU THIS. 233 00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,158 HE IS GOING TO GO NUTS, SITTING 234 00:07:04,158 --> 00:07:07,161 IN THAT COUNTRY CLUB. 235 00:07:07,161 --> 00:07:09,029 I'VE BEEN TO MAR‐A‐LAGO, YEARS 236 00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:09,930 AGO, BEFORE HE WAS PRESIDENT, I 237 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,899 HAD DINNER THERE ONCE. 238 00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:12,633 IT'S A BUNCH OF VERY OLD PEOPLE, 239 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:16,370 QUIETLY EATING MEATLOAF. 240 00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:18,305 IT'S LIKE A GAUDY REST HOME. 241 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,473 NOTHING GOES ON. 242 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:19,840 NOTHING HAPPENS. 243 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:20,741 HE WON'T MAKE IT A WEEK IN 244 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,243 THERE. 245 00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:22,877 HE'LL BE CALLING INTO HANNITY BY 246 00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:25,145 FRIDAY NIGHT. 247 00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:25,446 GUARANTEED. 248 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:26,213 YOU KNOW, "THE WALL STREET 249 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:27,882 JOURNAL" REPORTED YESTERDAY, 250 00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,783 TRUMP MAY WANT TO START HIS OWN 251 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:30,618 POLITICAL PARTY TO PUNISH THE 252 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,152 REPUBLICANS WHO DEFIED HIM. 253 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:35,122 I LOVE THAT. 254 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,590 WHAT KIND OF PARTY ARE YOU GOING 255 00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:36,957 TO PUT TOGETHER? 256 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:37,591 EVEN WHEN HE WAS PRESIDENT, HE 257 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:39,159 WAS BARELY ABLE TO BOOK THREE 258 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,028 DOORS DOWN TO PLAY HIS PARTY. 259 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:44,131 TRUMP SPENT HIS FINAL HOURS IN 260 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:44,765 THE WHITE HOUSE PLOTTING REVENGE 261 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,033 AGAINST LIZ CHENEY AND 262 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:50,738 REPUBLICANS WHO VOTED TO IMPEACH 263 00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:51,739 AND DECIDING WHO TO PARDON. 264 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:52,373 BASICALLY, HE SPENT HIS LAST DAY 265 00:07:52,373 --> 00:07:53,007 IN OFFICE MAKING A LIST OF HIS 266 00:07:53,007 --> 00:07:54,241 CRIMINAL FRIENDS AND CHECKING IT 267 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:56,977 TWICE, LIKE EVIL SANTA. 268 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,245 TRUMP ISSUED 144 PARDONS LATE 269 00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:01,582 LAST NIGHT. 270 00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:02,316 HE PARDONED TWO RAPPERS. 271 00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:04,051 LIL WAYNE AND KODAK BLACK. 272 00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:07,588 HIS TWO FAVORITES. 273 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:08,222 HE PARDONED FORMER HENCHMONSTER, 274 00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,323 STEVE BANNON, WHO WAS CHARGED 275 00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,825 WITH FRAUD, FOR ALLEGEDLY 276 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,594 SCAMMING TRUMP SUPPORTERS WHO 277 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:18,832 DONATED TO A CROWDFUND CAMPAIGN, 278 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:21,835 100% OF THE PROCEEDS FROM 279 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:22,736 THIS CAMPAIGN WERE SUPPOSED TO 280 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:23,837 PAY FOR THE WALL THAT MEXICO WAS 281 00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,306 SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR. 282 00:08:25,306 --> 00:08:26,540 AUTHORITIES SAY THAT WALL MONEY 283 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,308 SOMEHOW WOUND UP IN 284 00:08:27,308 --> 00:08:27,808 STEVE BANNON'S POCKETS. 285 00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:28,409 BUT NOW, HE IS FREE TO FRAUD 286 00:08:28,409 --> 00:08:33,314 AGAIN. 287 00:08:33,314 --> 00:08:37,217 THE LIST OF TRUMP CRONIES AND 288 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:37,851 REPUBLICAN DONORS ON THIS LIST 289 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:38,252 IS LONG. 290 00:08:38,252 --> 00:08:39,453 BUT "THE TIGER KING" JOE EXOTIC 291 00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:40,087 DID NOT GET A PARDON AS HE HAD 292 00:08:40,087 --> 00:08:40,287 HOPED. 293 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:40,888 AND TRUMP ALSO DIDN'T PARDON 294 00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,624 HIMSELF. 295 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:47,227 OR DID HE? 296 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:48,963 SOME LEGAL EXPERTS POINTED OUT 297 00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,531 TRUMP COULD HAVE SECRETLY 298 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:51,699 PARDONED HIMSELF AND IS PLANNING 299 00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,367 TO KEEP IT ON THE DL TILL HE 300 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,168 NEEDS IT LATER. 301 00:08:54,168 --> 00:08:56,303 IT'S INSANE THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. 302 00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,037 YOU CAN PARDON YOURSELF, AND 303 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,373 THEN IF YOU GET ARRESTED, YOU 304 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,007 CAN PULL OUT SOME PAPER AND SAY 305 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:01,375 "SURPRISE!"? 306 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:02,610 THAT CONSTITUTION THEY WROTE 307 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:04,111 MIGHT NEED SOME TIGHTENING UP. 308 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,112 TRUMP DID DO ONE DECENT THING, 309 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:07,648 HE LEFT A NOTE FOR JOE BIDEN. 310 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,383 HE LEFT BIDEN A NOTE, AND HE 311 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:12,252 ALSO LEFT ERIC TO RESET THE 312 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:12,886 PINS AT THE WHITE HOUSE BOWLING 313 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,888 ALLEY. 314 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,324 MELANIA, ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS 315 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,525 IS A NICE LITTLE BIT OF GOSSIP. 316 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:20,527 TRADITIONALLY, WHEN HER TIME IN 317 00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:21,528 THE WHITE HOUSE IS UP, THE FIRST 318 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,030 LADY LEAVES PERSONAL THANK YOU 319 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,531 NOTES FOR THE STAFF, THE MAIDS 320 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:29,370 AND COOKS, AND ALL THE PEOPLE 321 00:09:29,370 --> 00:09:30,004 WHO TAKE CARE OF THEM, THEY GET 322 00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:30,638 A NOTE. 323 00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:31,639 WELL, MELANIA, INSTEAD OF 324 00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:35,109 WRITING OR EVEN DICTATING THE 325 00:09:35,109 --> 00:09:36,610 NOTES HERSELF, HAD A STAFFMEMBER 326 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,611 WRITE THEM "IN HER VOICE" AND 327 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:38,445 THEN THEY TYPED THEM UP AND SHE 328 00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:39,113 SIGNED HER NAME ON THEM. 329 00:09:39,113 --> 00:09:39,847 SEE? 330 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:40,614 THERE WAS A FAKE MELANIA AFTER 331 00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:41,649 ALL! 332 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:42,683 HOW DO YOU WRITE IN MELANIA'S 333 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:46,654 VOICE? 334 00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,255 "YOU DEED GOOD WASHING" "THANK 335 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:49,156 YOU, TO YOU." 336 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,157 YOU KNOW, THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF 337 00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,392 ONLY HAS FIVE HOURS TO GET THE 338 00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:52,159 PLACE READY FOR A NEW FIRST 339 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:57,364 FAMILY. 340 00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,233 THE OLD FAMILY LEAVES, THE NEW 341 00:09:59,233 --> 00:10:00,701 FAMILY COMES IN, WHICH IS A 342 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,603 CHALLENGE FOR THE CLEANING CREW. 343 00:10:02,603 --> 00:10:03,671 I MEAN, THE RING TRUMP LEFT IN 344 00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:04,304 THE BATHTUB ALONE, COULD ONLY BE 345 00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:04,905 REMOVED IN THE FIRES OF MOUNT 346 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:05,372 DOOM. 347 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,675 OF COURSE, IT WAS EASIER TO 348 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:08,308 PREPARE THE LIVING QUARTERS FOR 349 00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:08,942 THE BIDENS, BECAUSE THEY SLEEP 350 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,378 IN THE SAME BEDROOM. 351 00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,113 THE BAR FOR JOE BIDEN IS LOW. 352 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:15,616 AND IT'S GONNA BE AN ADJUSTMENT 353 00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:16,250 TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO IS 354 00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,885 PRESIDENTIAL. 355 00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:20,688 IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE BIDEN EVER 356 00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:21,889 SAYING THE KINDS OF THINGS TRUMP 357 00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:24,258 SAID, BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE 358 00:10:24,258 --> 00:10:28,395 DON'T HAVE TO IMAGINE BECAUSE WE 359 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:29,663 PUT TRUMP'S WORDS INTO BIDEN'S 360 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,264 MOUTH, AND THIS IS WHAT CAME 361 00:10:30,264 --> 00:10:32,232 OUT. 362 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,301 >> WE ARE GOING TO BUILD A GREAT 363 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,569 WALL ALONG THE SOUTHERN BORDER 364 00:10:35,569 --> 00:10:36,503 AND MEXICO WILL PAY FOR THE 365 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:36,704 WALL! 366 00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:42,142 BELIEVE ME! 367 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,178 WE WON WITH THE HIGHLY EDUCATE, 368 00:10:44,178 --> 00:10:46,013 WE WON WITH THE POORLY EDUCATED, 369 00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:49,316 I LOVE THE POORLY EDUCATED! 370 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,652 I HAVE DONE MORE FOR THE 371 00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:54,254 AFRICAN‐AMERICAN COMMUNITY THAN 372 00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:55,923 ANY PRESIDENT OTHER THAN ABRAHAM 373 00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:59,426 LINCOLN. 374 00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,528 ISIS IS HONORING PRESIDENT 375 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:01,762 OBAMA. 376 00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:04,431 HE'S THE FOUNDER OF ISIS. 377 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:07,601 HE'S THE FOUNDER. 378 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:07,968 HE FOUNDED ISIS. 379 00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:12,306 AND I WOULD SAY THE COFOUNDER 380 00:11:12,306 --> 00:11:12,840 WOULD BE CROOKED HILLARY 381 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,677 CLINTON. 382 00:11:16,677 --> 00:11:17,444 >> Jimmy: WHAT? 383 00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:17,644 WELL. 384 00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:18,245 HE'S NOT SO SLEEPY ANYMORE, I 385 00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,581 GUESS. 386 00:11:20,581 --> 00:11:21,448 YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY LAST SHOW 387 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:25,185 OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. 388 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,754 IT FEELS LIKE THE END. 389 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:27,387 A WELCOME END TO A CHAPTER OF MY 390 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,022 LIFE. 391 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,759 YOU PROBABLY FEEL THAT WAY TOO. 392 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:32,493 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, 393 00:11:32,493 --> 00:11:33,127 DON'T CRY BECAUSE IT'S OVER, CRY 394 00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:33,560 BECAUSE IT HAPPENED. 395 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,261 AND THERE ARE BETTER TIMES 396 00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,329 AHEAD. 397 00:11:35,329 --> 00:11:35,829 I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT. 398 00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,765 A NEW PRESIDENT, A NEW VICE 399 00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:38,098 PRESIDENT. 400 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:42,002 NO MORE JARED AND IVANKA. 401 00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:43,704 DJTJ. 402 00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:44,938 RUDY GIULIANI IS HANGING UPSIDE 403 00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,440 DOWN IN HIS CAVE. 404 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,275 FOR GOD'S SAKE, TODAY 405 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:48,842 MITCH McCONNELL FIST‐BUMPED 406 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,677 BARACK OBAMA! 407 00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:52,179 THERE IS A FEELING IN THE AIR OF 408 00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:55,182 CELEBRATION AND JOY. 409 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:55,816 AND SO WE SAY GOODBYE TO DONALD 410 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:56,416 TRUMP. 411 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,787 NOT WITH VENOM, NOT WITH SCORN, 412 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,889 BUT WITH OPTIMISM, JUBILANCE AND 413 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:08,695 CELEBRATION. 414 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:08,862 ♪ 415 00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:13,300 ♪ 416 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:16,470 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY HEY HEY 417 00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:21,074 GOOD‐BYE ♪ 418 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:24,812 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY 419 00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:29,049 HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪ 420 00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:36,390 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY 421 00:12:36,390 --> 00:12:40,294 HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪ 422 00:12:40,294 --> 00:12:43,964 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY 423 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:47,868 HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪ 424 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:50,637 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY 425 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:54,608 HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪ 426 00:12:54,608 --> 00:12:57,644 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY 427 00:12:57,644 --> 00:13:03,650 HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪ 428 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,753 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY 429 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:11,525 HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪ 430 00:13:11,525 --> 00:13:14,661 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY 431 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:18,866 HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪ 432 00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:24,438 ♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA HEY 433 00:13:24,438 --> 00:13:25,005 HEY HEY GOOD‐BYE ♪ 434 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,840 >> THE TRUTH IS, WE WON THE 435 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,809 ELECTION BY A LANDSLIDE. 436 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:29,576 WE WON IT BIG. 437 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,011 TODAY I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE 438 00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:31,912 FACTS THAT EVERY AMERICAN NEEDS 439 00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:36,950 TO KNOW. 440 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:39,253 ♪ YO BIG GET OUT THE WAY BITCH 441 00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:42,589 GET OUT THE WAY BOOM ♪ 442 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:43,357 >> Jimmy: GOOD BLESS AMERICA. 443 00:13:43,357 --> 00:13:44,291 WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 444 00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:47,127 TONIGHT. 445 00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,629 ONE OF MY FAVORITE WRITERS 446 00:13:48,629 --> 00:13:49,263 CHARLES P. PIERCE FROM "ESQUIRE" 447 00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:49,596 IS WITH US. 448 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:50,130 WE HAVE MUSIC FROM 449 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:50,597 ASHLEY McBRYDE. 450 00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:51,365 AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 451 00:13:51,365 --> 00:13:55,869 JOHN OLIVER. 452 00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:56,803 SO STICK AROUND. 453 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:12,085 ♪ 454 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,454 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. 455 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:15,689 TONIGHT, FROM "ESQUIRE," HE IS A 456 00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,190 GREAT THINKER AND WRITER, AND 457 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,193 AMERICAN. 458 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:20,794 CHARLES P. PIERCE IS WITH US. 459 00:14:20,794 --> 00:14:23,463 THEN LATER, HER GRAMMY‐NOMINATED 460 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,064 ALBUM IS CALLED "NEVER WILL." 461 00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:27,401 MUSIC FROM ASHLEY McBRYDE. 462 00:14:27,401 --> 00:14:28,502 TOMORROW NIGHT, ALLISON JANNEY 463 00:14:28,502 --> 00:14:29,136 AND DANA BASH FROM CNN WILL JOIN 464 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,404 US. 465 00:14:30,404 --> 00:14:32,406 WITH MUSIC FROM BEST COAST. 466 00:14:32,406 --> 00:14:36,043 OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN 467 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:42,316 EXCEPTIONALLY BRIGHT AND FUNNY 468 00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:46,586 FRUNNY MAN ‐‐DY SAY FRUNNY? 469 00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,922 FUN AND FUNNY. 470 00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:49,690 FROM A LAND CALLED "ENG." 471 00:14:49,690 --> 00:14:51,191 HE HAS BECOME ONE OF AMERICA'S 472 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:51,792 MOST BELOVED BEACONS OF TRUTH. 473 00:14:51,792 --> 00:14:52,392 "LAST WEEK WITH JOHN OLIVER" 474 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:52,993 RETURNS TO HBO ON VALENTINE'S 475 00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,094 DAY. 476 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,595 PLEASE WELCOME JOHN OLIVER. 477 00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:56,530 HI, JOHN, HOW ARE YOU? 478 00:14:56,530 --> 00:14:57,898 >> I'M FINE, THANKS VERY MUCH 479 00:14:57,898 --> 00:14:58,699 FOR HAVING ME. 480 00:14:58,699 --> 00:15:00,167 >> Jimmy: IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU. 481 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,436 WE ARE DRESSED THE SAME. 482 00:15:02,436 --> 00:15:04,638 >> YEAH, I CAN SEE. 483 00:15:04,638 --> 00:15:06,340 IT'S KIND OF WHAT HAPPENS WITH 484 00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:07,274 TWO MEN WHO DON'T HAVE THE 485 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,176 CONFIDENCE OR IMAGINATION TO 486 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,078 EXPRESS THEMSELVES SARTORIALLY. 487 00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:11,812 >> Jimmy: EXACTLY RIGHT. 488 00:15:11,812 --> 00:15:13,013 IN FACT, MY WIFE HAS BEEN 489 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,748 LOOKING AT MY OUTFITS AND SHE 490 00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:18,251 GOES, "JUST WEAR A SWEATER." 491 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:18,885 >> DON'T DREAM OF A LIFE THAT 492 00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:22,189 YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY GET. 493 00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:23,290 >> Jimmy: IT'S HARD. 494 00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:24,524 IT'S HARD DOING THE SHOW WITHOUT 495 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,093 A TEAM OF ATTENDANTS. 496 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,195 I SEE YOU SEEM TO BE IN FRONT 497 00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:29,963 OF, LIKE, A BACKDROP THEY WOULD 498 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:30,597 TAKE BABY PICTURES IN FRONT OF 499 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,499 AT SEARS. 500 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,800 >> YEAH, IT'S HALFWAY BETWEEN 501 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,369 THE SEARS PHOTO AND A BURN 502 00:15:35,369 --> 00:15:40,073 BOARD, YEAH. 503 00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,408 IT'S A STERILE, A STERILE 504 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:42,042 BACKGROUND THAT REALLY EXPRESSES 505 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,544 NOTHING. 506 00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:45,946 FEELS LIKE HOME. 507 00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:48,982 >> Jimmy: IT SHOUTS "IT'S A 508 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:49,182 BOY!" 509 00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,450 THAT'S REALLY WHAT I SEE. 510 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,718 YOU'RE AT HOME. 511 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:52,119 IS THAT RIGHT? 512 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,053 ARE YOU AT YOUR HOUSE? 513 00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:55,489 >> YEAH, I ‐‐ WELL, I AM KIND OF 514 00:15:55,489 --> 00:15:56,223 AT MY HOUSE. 515 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:59,059 I USED TO DO IT FROM MY HOUSE. 516 00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:01,528 AND I HAVE A 5‐YEAR‐OLD AND 517 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:01,828 2‐YEAR‐OLD. 518 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:02,529 SO THAT BECAME CHALLENGING 519 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,431 BECAUSE THEY DON'T RESPECT THE 520 00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:08,602 BOUNDARIES OF TELEVISION 521 00:16:08,602 --> 00:16:09,236 PROD 522 00:16:09,236 --> 00:16:09,770 PRODUCTION, THEY DON'T 523 00:16:09,770 --> 00:16:10,637 UNDERSTAND WHY DADDY NEEDS 524 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:10,871 SPACE. 525 00:16:10,871 --> 00:16:11,705 >> Jimmy: I HAVE A 6‐YEAR‐OLD 526 00:16:11,705 --> 00:16:12,739 AND A 3‐YEAR‐OLD. 527 00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,876 THEY UNDERSTAND IT PERFECTLY. 528 00:16:15,876 --> 00:16:16,276 THEY REALLY DO. 529 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,211 >> RIGHT, YOU'VE YELLED IT LOUD 530 00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:19,546 ENOUGH INTO THEIR FACES, 531 00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:20,547 APPARENTLY THAT'S THE TRICK? 532 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,515 >> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT I DO? 533 00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:23,350 I SIT THEM DOWN AND I EXPLAIN 534 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:24,451 IT'S A UNION VIOLATION FOR THEM 535 00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:27,254 TO BE IN HERE, AND THEY COULD BE 536 00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:28,889 FINED IF THEY DON'T GET OUT. 537 00:16:28,889 --> 00:16:32,659 AND THEY UNDERSTAND THAT. 538 00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:34,261 >> I ALWAYS DREAD KIDS IN THE 539 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:36,396 FUTURE AS THEY THINK, WELL, WHAT 540 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,098 WAS THAT ROOM THAT YOU WERE IN 541 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:38,732 YELLING ABOUT SOMETHING I DIDN'T 542 00:16:38,732 --> 00:16:42,502 UNDERSTAND? 543 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,337 OH, I WAS DOING A COMEDY SHOW. 544 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,906 I'VE GONE BACK AND LOOKED AT THE 545 00:16:45,906 --> 00:16:47,107 CLIPS AND I'M NOT SURE YOU WERE. 546 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,341 I THINK YOU THINK YOU WERE, I 547 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,709 DIDN'T KNOW WHEN TO LAUGH, ISN'T 548 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:50,510 THAT A PROBLEM? 549 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,978 >> Jimmy: CAN I TELL YOU 550 00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:52,245 SOMETHING? 551 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:53,847 I HAVE MEMORIES OF MY PARENTS IN 552 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,650 A ROOM YELLING AND THEY WERE NOT 553 00:16:56,650 --> 00:16:58,485 DOING A COMEDY SHOW, SO I THINK 554 00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,519 THEY'RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE 555 00:16:59,519 --> 00:16:59,786 OKAY. 556 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,689 HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? 557 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:03,824 DO YOU FEEL OPTIMISTIC, FEELING 558 00:17:03,824 --> 00:17:04,091 POSITIVE? 559 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,092 WHAT'S GOING THROUGH YOUR BRAIN 560 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,293 RIGHT NOW? 561 00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,262 >> YEAH, IT WAS A HUGE RELIEF. 562 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:13,033 IT WAS NICE TO GET TO ENJOY AN 563 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:13,767 INAUGURATION WITHOUT A PIT OF 564 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,135 DREAD IN YOUR STOMACH. 565 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,571 IT WAS NICE TO GET TO ENJOY THE 566 00:17:17,571 --> 00:17:17,971 WEIRD BITS. 567 00:17:17,971 --> 00:17:20,807 YOU GOT THE LUXURY OF ENJOYING 568 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:28,448 JAY LOW SEGUEING INTO LET'S GET 569 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:29,082 LOUD, OR GARTH BROOKS' FORMAL 570 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:29,282 JEANS. 571 00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:30,951 YOU GOT TO ENJOY THAT WITHOUT 572 00:17:30,951 --> 00:17:32,285 FEELING THREATENED BY THE 573 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:32,719 INCOMING PRESIDENT. 574 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:33,920 THAT ALONE WAS REALLY NICE. 575 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,288 IT'S A LOW BAR. 576 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,890 IT WAS A LOW BAR FOR AN 577 00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:37,958 INAUGURATION AND IT'S A CRAZY 578 00:17:37,958 --> 00:17:39,559 LOW BAR FOR THE INCOMING 579 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:39,926 PRESIDENT. 580 00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,362 I'M NOT SURE THE BAR ‐‐ HE 581 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,197 DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE 582 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:44,865 COMPETENT. 583 00:17:44,865 --> 00:17:46,600 ANYTHING NORTH OF MALICIOUS 584 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:47,634 INCOMPETENCE FEELS LIKE WE'RE 585 00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,236 PLAYING WITH THE HOUSE'S MONEY 586 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:49,603 AT THAT POINT. 587 00:17:49,603 --> 00:17:50,971 >> Jimmy: IT'S FUNNY YOU SAY 588 00:17:50,971 --> 00:17:51,171 THAT. 589 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,540 I WAS WATCHING CNN TODAY. 590 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:55,909 AND EVERY TIME JOE BIDEN SPEAKS 591 00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:58,411 THEY SAY, IT'S A MUCH DIFFERENT 592 00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:58,612 TONE. 593 00:17:58,612 --> 00:18:01,181 IT'S LIKE, YEAH, IT'S A MUCH 594 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:01,815 DIFFERENT TONE. 595 00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:02,549 >> NO [ BLEEP ]. 596 00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,217 IT'S A LOT DIFFERENT. 597 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,519 >> Jimmy: YOU SWITCHED FROM 598 00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:07,687 WRESTLING TO PBS, IT'S A MUCH 599 00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:08,355 DIFFERENT TONE. 600 00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:09,689 >> IT DOES FEEL THAT IT'S GOING 601 00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:11,158 TO BE IMPORTANT THAT WE ALLOW 602 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,626 OURSELVES JUST TO HAVE A DAY, 603 00:18:12,626 --> 00:18:15,395 JUST ONE DAY OF FEELING THE 604 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,197 RELIEF BEFORE WORRYING ABOUT, 605 00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,932 YEAH, THERE ARE MONUMENTAL 606 00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:21,868 ISSUES THAT WE'RE FACING, THERE 607 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,403 ARE SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS THAT HAVE 608 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,138 GONE UNADDRESSED TOO LONG, REAL 609 00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,139 QUESTIONS ABOUT WHETHER THE 610 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,274 SCALE OF BIDEN'S SOLUTIONS ARE 611 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,642 GOING TO MATCH THE SCALE OF THE 612 00:18:28,642 --> 00:18:30,143 PROBLEMS HE'S INHERITING. 613 00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,945 BUT I DO THINK THAT HAS TO WAIT 614 00:18:31,945 --> 00:18:33,346 FOR AT LEAST JUST TOMORROW. 615 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,915 JUST GIVE US A DAY. 616 00:18:34,915 --> 00:18:36,016 OTHERWISE IT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE 617 00:18:36,016 --> 00:18:39,452 AT THE END OF A MARATHON THAT 618 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,820 YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ENTERED, YOU'VE 619 00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,889 JUST BEEN ENTERED BY YOUR 620 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,658 DUMBEST FRIEND, SOMEONE SAYS, 621 00:18:44,658 --> 00:18:45,725 CONGRATULATIONS DID YOU KNOW 622 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,294 OVER A MILLION DOGS ARE 623 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,196 EUTHANIZED IN SHELTERS EVERY 624 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:49,563 YEAR? 625 00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:49,796 YEAH. 626 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,866 YEAH, CAN I JUST ENJOY THE FACT 627 00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:53,567 THAT'S DONE? 628 00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:56,336 BEFORE WE TOUCH ON THAT 629 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,038 UNDENIABLE ISSUE? 630 00:18:58,038 --> 00:18:59,406 >> Jimmy: YOU ARE AN AMERICAN 631 00:18:59,406 --> 00:18:59,906 NOW. 632 00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:00,974 WHEN DID YOU GET YOUR 633 00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:01,274 CITIZENSHIP? 634 00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:04,377 WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN? 635 00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:06,880 >> IT WAS AT THE END OF 2019. 636 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,882 DECEMBER 13th, 2019. 637 00:19:08,882 --> 00:19:11,151 >> Jimmy: AND SO YOU BECAME A 638 00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,786 CITIZEN WHILE DONALD TRUMP WAS 639 00:19:12,786 --> 00:19:13,053 PRESIDENT. 640 00:19:13,053 --> 00:19:13,486 >> YEAH. 641 00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:14,621 >> Jimmy: WHEN THE REST OF US 642 00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,323 WERE THINKING OF RENOUNCING. 643 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:16,590 >> YEAH. 644 00:19:16,590 --> 00:19:18,391 >> Jimmy: YOU SIGNED UP, YEAH. 645 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:19,359 >> I DID, I DID. 646 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:20,293 >> Jimmy: I'M SURPRISED HE 647 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,962 ALLOWED THAT TO HAPPEN. 648 00:19:21,962 --> 00:19:22,495 >> YES. 649 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,663 >> Jimmy: I WOULD THINK YOU 650 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,666 WOULD BE ON THE NO‐ENTER LIST. 651 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,134 >> THE TRUTH IS I KIND OF DID DO 652 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:29,069 IT ON THE QUIET. 653 00:19:29,069 --> 00:19:30,770 >> Jimmy: I DON'T BLAME YOU. 654 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,239 >> BECAUSE I DID THINK IT WAS ‐‐ 655 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,441 IT DIDN'T FEEL COMPLETELY 656 00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:35,809 MISPLACED PARANOIA TO THINK, IF 657 00:19:35,809 --> 00:19:37,077 THIS GETS ONTO SOMEONE'S DESK 658 00:19:37,077 --> 00:19:40,847 WHO COULD STOP IT, THEY MIGHT. 659 00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:41,314 >> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY. 660 00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,883 >> BUT IT'S NEVER ABOUT THE 661 00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:44,718 PRESIDENT, RIGHT? 662 00:19:44,718 --> 00:19:45,885 BECOMING AN AMERICAN CITIZEN IS 663 00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:46,920 NEVER ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO IS 664 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,321 IN OFFICE, IT'S ABOUT THE IDEA 665 00:19:48,321 --> 00:19:50,991 OF THE COUNTRY THAT IS TRYING TO 666 00:19:50,991 --> 00:19:53,059 FORM ITSELF BETTER. 667 00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:53,693 THAT'S KIND OF WHAT YOU ‐‐ THAT 668 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,996 WAS DEFINITELY THE CASE, AS I 669 00:19:55,996 --> 00:19:57,797 WAS SWORN IN WITH ALL THESE 670 00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,333 PEOPLE, ALL DIFFERENT COUNTRIES, 671 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:01,801 AND THEY PLAY TRUMP'S VIDEO, HIS 672 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:02,369 WELCOME MESSAGE, WHICH, YOU 673 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:06,840 KNOW. 674 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:07,474 YOU COULD FEEL THE ENERGY DIP IN 675 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:11,578 THE ROOM. 676 00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,013 BUT IT WAS ‐‐ THE EXCITEMENT OF 677 00:20:13,013 --> 00:20:15,115 WHAT WE WERE DOING THERE 678 00:20:15,115 --> 00:20:15,782 TRANSCENDED THE FACT THAT THERE 679 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,051 WAS A GUY ON THE VIDEO NOT 680 00:20:18,051 --> 00:20:20,620 REALLY WELCOMING US VERY MUCH. 681 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,289 ACTUALLY, THEY GAVE YOU TWO 682 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:22,656 PIECES OF PAPER. 683 00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,591 THEY GIVE YOU YOUR CERTIFICATE, 684 00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:26,526 AND ON TOP OF THAT IS A LETTER 685 00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,261 FROM THE PRESIDENT. 686 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:28,995 AND THE WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME, 687 00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:32,299 SHE GOT UP TO LEAVE AT THE END. 688 00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:34,567 AND HER DAUGHTER SAID, I'VE GOT 689 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:38,605 THESE PIECES OF PAPER. 690 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:39,005 BR 691 00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,473 SHE SAID, BRING THE CERTIFICATE 692 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,009 AND YOU CAN LEAVE THAT [ BLEEP ] 693 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:43,243 BEHIND. 694 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:44,344 I THOUGHT, THAT'S ABOUT RIGHT. 695 00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:44,944 >> Jimmy: THAT'S AMERICA FOR 696 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:47,547 YOU. 697 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,582 DID YOU DO WELL ON THE TEST? 698 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,352 DO YOU GET A SCORE, DO YOU GET A 699 00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:52,552 GRADE? 700 00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:53,586 HOW DOES THAT WORK? 701 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,222 >> OH, YEAH, YOU HAVE TO TAKE A 702 00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:56,423 TEST. 703 00:20:56,423 --> 00:20:59,292 YOU HAVE TO GET ‐‐ IT'S BASIC 704 00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,293 CIVICS QUESTIONS. 705 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,462 YOU HAVE TO GET LIKE 6 OF 10 706 00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:02,662 RIGHT. 707 00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:04,130 AS SOON AS YOU GET 6, YOU'RE 708 00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:04,331 GOOD. 709 00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:05,065 >> Jimmy: OH, REALLY? 710 00:21:05,065 --> 00:21:07,434 >> YEAH, I GOT SIX IN A ROW, I 711 00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:08,635 WAS SO TERRIFIED. 712 00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:09,636 >> Jimmy: DID THEY DO IT 713 00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:09,969 INDIVIDUALLY? 714 00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:12,272 OR AS A GROUP? 715 00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:14,507 >> NO, YOU DO IT INDIVIDUALLY. 716 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:16,142 IT'S INCREDIBLY INTIMIDATING. 717 00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:17,477 YOU GO INTO A ROOM, THE PERSON 718 00:21:17,477 --> 00:21:18,712 DOESN'T LOOK AT YOU, SHE'S 719 00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:20,046 TYPING ON THE SCREEN. 720 00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:21,314 ASKING YOU THESE QUESTIONS. 721 00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:22,515 SO I WAS PREPARED. 722 00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:23,616 I'D STUDIED ALL OF THIS. 723 00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:25,018 THEN THE FIRST QUESTION SHE 724 00:21:25,018 --> 00:21:26,720 ASKED WAS, WHAT'S YOUR SOCIAL 725 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:27,187 SECURITY NUMBER? 726 00:21:27,187 --> 00:21:28,588 AND I HADN'T PREPARED THAT. 727 00:21:28,588 --> 00:21:30,023 SO I BLANKED. 728 00:21:30,023 --> 00:21:31,191 I FORGOT. 729 00:21:31,191 --> 00:21:33,159 I SAID, OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR PHONE 730 00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:33,393 NUMBER? 731 00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:34,194 I'M JUST CHECKING THAT. 732 00:21:34,194 --> 00:21:35,862 I FORGOT THAT AS WELL. 733 00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,897 I FELT MY LAWYER'S HAND ON MY 734 00:21:37,897 --> 00:21:39,432 SHOULDER SAYING, DON'T WORRY, 735 00:21:39,432 --> 00:21:40,734 YOU'RE NOT BLOWING THIS. 736 00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:41,768 BUT IT FELT LIKE I WAS. 737 00:21:41,768 --> 00:21:43,002 >> Jimmy: YEAH, I HOPE THAT 738 00:21:43,002 --> 00:21:44,270 WOMAN WAS REALLY GIVING A 739 00:21:44,270 --> 00:21:45,138 CITIZENSHIP TEST, NOT AN 740 00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:47,340 IDENTITY THIEF. 741 00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:48,174 BECAUSE IT'S PROBABLY GOOD YOU 742 00:21:48,174 --> 00:21:48,742 FORGOT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY 743 00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:50,977 NUMBER. 744 00:21:50,977 --> 00:21:52,912 >> YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. 745 00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:56,216 WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN 746 00:21:56,216 --> 00:21:56,750 NAME? 747 00:21:56,750 --> 00:21:58,418 OKAY, GO OUT FOR 15 MINUTES, I'M 748 00:21:58,418 --> 00:21:59,819 DOING A CREDIT CARD IN YOUR 749 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:00,086 NAME. 750 00:22:00,086 --> 00:22:00,687 >> Jimmy: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK 751 00:22:00,687 --> 00:22:01,855 WITH JOHN OLIVER. 752 00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:08,862 ♪ 753 00:22:08,862 --> 00:22:12,699 ♪ 754 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:13,867 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. 755 00:22:13,867 --> 00:22:16,669 STILL TO COME, CHARLES P. PIERCE 756 00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:17,771 AND ASHLEY McBRYDE. 757 00:22:17,771 --> 00:22:18,638 JOHN OLIVER IS WITH US. 758 00:22:18,638 --> 00:22:22,742 HE IS AT A HOME NEAR HIS HOME IN 759 00:22:22,742 --> 00:22:23,109 NEW YORK CITY. 760 00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:23,376 >> YEAH. 761 00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:24,444 >> Jimmy: YOU MISSED SO MUCH. 762 00:22:24,444 --> 00:22:26,513 YOU WENT OFF IN NOVEMBER. 763 00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:27,847 WERE YOU LIKE EAGER TO GET BACK 764 00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:28,948 TO WORK? 765 00:22:28,948 --> 00:22:30,450 OR ARE YOU NOT THAT AMBITIOUS? 766 00:22:30,450 --> 00:22:32,285 >> NOT REALLY, NOT REALLY. 767 00:22:32,285 --> 00:22:34,087 IT WAS LIKE ‐‐ IT WAS LIKE EAGER 768 00:22:34,087 --> 00:22:36,656 TO FIDDLE WHILE ROME BURNED? 769 00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:40,760 NO, IT WAS ALL RIGHT, ACTUALLY. 770 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:41,127 >> Jimmy: OKAY. 771 00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:42,028 THAT'S GOOD. 772 00:22:42,028 --> 00:22:44,898 BUT YOU DO COME BACK ON 773 00:22:44,898 --> 00:22:46,900 VALENTINE'S DAY WHICH YOUR WIFE 774 00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:48,268 MUST BE THRILLED AT. 775 00:22:48,268 --> 00:22:50,069 >> OH, YEAH, THE MOST ROMANTIC 776 00:22:50,069 --> 00:22:51,104 OF ALL DAYS. 777 00:22:51,104 --> 00:22:52,806 I'M NOT SURE, I THINK WHAT I'VE 778 00:22:52,806 --> 00:22:54,374 TOLD HER ‐‐ I THINK SHE DOESN'T 779 00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:55,775 KNOW THAT YET, TO BE HONEST. 780 00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:58,278 I THINK I TOLD LETTER 781 00:22:58,278 --> 00:22:58,912 MID‐FEBRUARY, WITHOUT SAYING 782 00:22:58,912 --> 00:23:00,013 EXACTLY MID‐FEBRUARY. 783 00:23:00,013 --> 00:23:01,915 >> Jimmy: EXACTLY ON VALENTINE'S 784 00:23:01,915 --> 00:23:02,081 DAY. 785 00:23:02,081 --> 00:23:03,650 ARE YOU A ROMANTIC TYPE? 786 00:23:03,650 --> 00:23:04,951 ARE YOU EXPECTED TO ARRANGE A 787 00:23:04,951 --> 00:23:06,953 DINNER OR FLOWERS OR ANY OF THAT 788 00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:08,788 SORT OF THING? 789 00:23:08,788 --> 00:23:09,789 >> I'M EXPECTED TO. 790 00:23:09,789 --> 00:23:15,261 I DON'T DO MUCH. 791 00:23:15,261 --> 00:23:17,163 I WON'T MEET THE GRADE FOR ANY 792 00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:18,264 FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING. 793 00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:19,466 BUT I'M A BRITISH PERSON. 794 00:23:19,466 --> 00:23:20,467 >> Jimmy: YES. 795 00:23:20,467 --> 00:23:22,902 >> TOO REPRESSED TO BE ABLE TO 796 00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,437 EXPRESS MYSELF ROMANTICALLY. 797 00:23:24,437 --> 00:23:26,139 THE MOST ROMANTIC THING FOR 798 00:23:26,139 --> 00:23:31,044 ME ‐‐ ISN'T THAT THAT MOVIE, 799 00:23:31,044 --> 00:23:32,579 "SHADOWLANDS," WHERE THEY FALL 800 00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:35,281 IN LOVE AND NEVER EXPRESS IT? 801 00:23:35,281 --> 00:23:36,349 THAT SEEMS THE BEST FORM OF 802 00:23:36,349 --> 00:23:37,217 ROMANCE TO ME. 803 00:23:37,217 --> 00:23:38,418 FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, DON'T 804 00:23:38,418 --> 00:23:40,887 TELL THEM, AND DIE. 805 00:23:40,887 --> 00:23:42,055 >> Jimmy: DO YOUR FRIENDS AND 806 00:23:42,055 --> 00:23:43,523 FAMILY MEMBERS IN ENGLAND CALL 807 00:23:43,523 --> 00:23:45,024 YOU AND GO, WHAT'S GOING ON OVER 808 00:23:45,024 --> 00:23:45,225 THERE? 809 00:23:45,225 --> 00:23:45,525 >> YEAH. 810 00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:46,125 >> Jimmy: ARE PEOPLE ENJOYING 811 00:23:46,125 --> 00:23:49,496 THIS? 812 00:23:49,496 --> 00:23:52,098 >> WELL ‐‐ I DON'T THINK ANYONE 813 00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:55,335 ON EARTH HAS ENJOYED THIS. 814 00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:57,103 SO I DON'T THINK SO MUCH THAT. 815 00:23:57,103 --> 00:23:59,138 I THINK IT'S MORE THE, IS 816 00:23:59,138 --> 00:23:59,539 EVERYTHING OKAY? 817 00:23:59,539 --> 00:24:00,974 ANYTHING WE SHOULD KNOW THAT 818 00:24:00,974 --> 00:24:02,075 WE'RE NOT SEEING OVER THERE? 819 00:24:02,075 --> 00:24:03,343 I THINK IT'S HARD TO ANSWER A 820 00:24:03,343 --> 00:24:04,878 QUESTION LIKE THAT, OTHER 821 00:24:04,878 --> 00:24:06,346 THAN ‐‐ WHEN THE SURE ANSWER IS 822 00:24:06,346 --> 00:24:07,146 NO, NO, THINGS ARE NOT GOING 823 00:24:07,146 --> 00:24:09,349 WELL OVER HERE. 824 00:24:09,349 --> 00:24:10,984 AND THE LONG ANSWER IS, NO, AND 825 00:24:10,984 --> 00:24:12,151 ALSO IN BRITAIN, HOW DO YOU 826 00:24:12,151 --> 00:24:16,089 THINK IT'S GOING OVER THERE? 827 00:24:16,089 --> 00:24:18,458 MAYBE SORT OUT THE [ BLEEP ] 828 00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,092 PILE YOU'RE STANDING ON BEFORE 829 00:24:19,092 --> 00:24:20,360 CRITICIZING SOMEONE ELSE'S. 830 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,061 >> Jimmy: I HEAR THINGS ARE NOT 831 00:24:22,061 --> 00:24:24,864 GOING TOO WELL, AND WITH COVID 832 00:24:24,864 --> 00:24:25,999 NOTHING'S GOING WELL ANYWHERE, 833 00:24:25,999 --> 00:24:28,101 EXCEPT NEW ZEALAND, IT SEEMS. 834 00:24:28,101 --> 00:24:30,370 BUT ARE THINGS AS COMPLICATED 835 00:24:30,370 --> 00:24:31,337 OVER THERE? 836 00:24:31,337 --> 00:24:32,739 DO YOU THINK WE'RE EXPERIENCING 837 00:24:32,739 --> 00:24:33,540 SOME KIND OF CROSSROADS IN THE 838 00:24:33,540 --> 00:24:37,310 WORLD RIGHT NOW? 839 00:24:37,310 --> 00:24:38,745 >> IN TERMS OF COVID? 840 00:24:38,745 --> 00:24:40,513 OR IN TERMS OF ALL HUMAN ISSUES? 841 00:24:40,513 --> 00:24:42,015 THAT'S A MASSIVE QUESTION. 842 00:24:42,015 --> 00:24:43,650 >> Jimmy: IN TERMS OF PEOPLE 843 00:24:43,650 --> 00:24:45,952 JUST NOT AGREEING WITH EACH 844 00:24:45,952 --> 00:24:46,753 OTHER, TO THE POINT WHERE WE 845 00:24:46,753 --> 00:24:49,956 CAN'T REALLY MOVE FORWARD. 846 00:24:49,956 --> 00:24:51,658 >> YEAH, THAT'S A ‐‐ I DON'T 847 00:24:51,658 --> 00:24:52,292 KNOW. 848 00:24:52,292 --> 00:24:53,960 I THINK, YOU KNOW, BRITAIN IS ‐‐ 849 00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,695 I'M NOT SURE IT'S QUITE AS 850 00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:58,331 DIVIDED AS THE U. S. 851 00:24:58,331 --> 00:25:01,134 EVEN ‐‐ YEAH, EVEN ALLOWING FOR 852 00:25:01,134 --> 00:25:02,602 THE TERRIBLE GOVERNMENT THAT 853 00:25:02,602 --> 00:25:04,437 BRITAIN HAS INFLICTED UPON 854 00:25:04,437 --> 00:25:05,972 ITSELF, I'M NOT SURE THEY'RE 855 00:25:05,972 --> 00:25:08,074 SITTING ON QUITE THE TINDER BOX 856 00:25:08,074 --> 00:25:09,809 THAT THE U. S. IS SITTING ON 857 00:25:09,809 --> 00:25:10,276 RIGHT NOW. 858 00:25:10,276 --> 00:25:12,412 >> Jimmy: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME 859 00:25:12,412 --> 00:25:13,346 THEY DON'T HAVE PEOPLE BREAKING 860 00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:14,047 IN THE WINDOWS AND DEFECATING IN 861 00:25:14,047 --> 00:25:18,084 PARLIAMENT? 862 00:25:18,084 --> 00:25:20,353 >> I WILL SAY, IT WAS A TERRIBLE 863 00:25:20,353 --> 00:25:20,520 DAY. 864 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:22,255 JANUARY THE 6th WAS AN 865 00:25:22,255 --> 00:25:23,823 ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE DAY. 866 00:25:23,823 --> 00:25:25,258 IT'S A PERMANENT STAIN ON 867 00:25:25,258 --> 00:25:26,125 AMERICAN HISTORY. 868 00:25:26,125 --> 00:25:28,895 IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT 869 00:25:28,895 --> 00:25:30,930 IT STARTED WITH RUDY GIULIANI 870 00:25:30,930 --> 00:25:34,434 WALKING ONTO A STAGE TO "MACHO 871 00:25:34,434 --> 00:25:34,634 MAN." 872 00:25:34,634 --> 00:25:40,640 IT WASN'T 100% UNFUNNY. 873 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,041 NO, THINGS ‐‐ SHADES OF GRAY, 874 00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:42,241 RIGHT? 875 00:25:42,241 --> 00:25:42,542 MOSTLY BAD. 876 00:25:42,542 --> 00:25:44,577 THAT WAS FUNNY. 877 00:25:44,577 --> 00:25:45,845 >> Jimmy: I THINK YOU FOUND SOME 878 00:25:45,845 --> 00:25:46,946 SILVER LINING. 879 00:25:46,946 --> 00:25:48,247 I THINK THAT IS GOING TO BE ONE 880 00:25:48,247 --> 00:25:49,882 OF THE MANY, MANY POSITIVES THAT 881 00:25:49,882 --> 00:25:52,785 WE'RE GOING TO SEE GOING FORWARD 882 00:25:52,785 --> 00:25:54,287 IS THAT PRESIDENTS AND 883 00:25:54,287 --> 00:25:55,421 POLITICIANS WILL BE ABLE TO 884 00:25:55,421 --> 00:25:58,024 CLEAR SONGS FROM ARTISTS OTHER 885 00:25:58,024 --> 00:26:00,927 THAN LEE GREENWOOD AND THE 886 00:26:00,927 --> 00:26:01,294 VILLAGE PEOPLE. 887 00:26:01,294 --> 00:26:02,962 >> YEAH, YEAH. 888 00:26:02,962 --> 00:26:05,331 WAS JANUARY THE 6th A FUNNY DAY? 889 00:26:05,331 --> 00:26:05,498 NO. 890 00:26:05,498 --> 00:26:06,532 DID SOMETHING FUNNY HAPPEN ON 891 00:26:06,532 --> 00:26:07,166 THAT DAY? 892 00:26:07,166 --> 00:26:07,333 YES. 893 00:26:07,333 --> 00:26:08,134 THAT'S JUST A FACT. 894 00:26:08,134 --> 00:26:09,535 >> Jimmy: I ALWAYS ‐‐ BECAUSE I 895 00:26:09,535 --> 00:26:11,004 HATE TO THINK THAT THE VILLAGE 896 00:26:11,004 --> 00:26:12,939 PEOPLE ARE ON BOARD WITH WHAT'S 897 00:26:12,939 --> 00:26:14,474 GOING ON, WHAT WAS GOING ON THE 898 00:26:14,474 --> 00:26:15,341 LAST FOUR YEARS. 899 00:26:15,341 --> 00:26:16,976 I LIKE TO THINK THAT THEY CLEAR 900 00:26:16,976 --> 00:26:17,810 THAT SONG AS A JOKE. 901 00:26:17,810 --> 00:26:20,213 >> YEAH. 902 00:26:20,213 --> 00:26:21,280 >> Jimmy: THEY SIT THERE AND GO, 903 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:22,048 YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE 904 00:26:22,048 --> 00:26:25,685 WALKING OUT THERE RIGHT NOW! 905 00:26:25,685 --> 00:26:26,319 >> I THINK THERE HAS BEEN SOME 906 00:26:26,319 --> 00:26:29,322 SPECTACULAR NONSONG CLEARANCE. 907 00:26:29,322 --> 00:26:30,690 EVEN LIKE TRUMP'S FAREWELL 908 00:26:30,690 --> 00:26:31,290 SPEECH THAT NO ONE ASKED FOR 909 00:26:31,290 --> 00:26:34,427 THIS MORNING. 910 00:26:34,427 --> 00:26:35,895 I THINK ONE OF HIS PLAY‐ON SONGS 911 00:26:35,895 --> 00:26:37,930 WAS "FORTUNATE SON." 912 00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:39,666 HE'S NEVER FULLY UNDERSTOOD THE 913 00:26:39,666 --> 00:26:41,734 IRONY OF THAT. 914 00:26:41,734 --> 00:26:44,504 THE AIR FORCE ONE TO LEAVE TO 915 00:26:44,504 --> 00:26:46,005 SINATRA'S "MY WAY," THE 916 00:26:46,005 --> 00:26:48,908 UNIVERSAL ANTHEM OF [ BLEEP ] 917 00:26:48,908 --> 00:26:49,676 EVERYWHERE. 918 00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:51,377 >> Jimmy: WELL. 919 00:26:51,377 --> 00:26:53,346 ON BEHALF OF PAUL ANKA, I'M 920 00:26:53,346 --> 00:26:55,181 GOING TO HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH 921 00:26:55,181 --> 00:26:55,748 YOU THERE. 922 00:26:55,748 --> 00:26:57,183 THANKS FOR BEING WITH US, JOHN. 923 00:26:57,183 --> 00:26:58,651 YOUR SHOW'S GREAT. 924 00:26:58,651 --> 00:27:01,020 I APPRECIATE YOU JOINING US 925 00:27:01,020 --> 00:27:01,254 TONIGHT. 926 00:27:01,254 --> 00:27:01,821 >> PLEASURE. 927 00:27:01,821 --> 00:27:03,856 >> Jimmy: GOOD LUCK ON 928 00:27:03,856 --> 00:27:06,392 VALENTINE'S DAY. 929 00:27:06,392 --> 00:27:07,026 >> YEAH. 930 00:27:07,026 --> 00:27:08,261 >> Jimmy: JOHN OLIVER RETURNS, 931 00:27:08,261 --> 00:27:09,929 DON'T TELL HIS WIFE, IT RETURNS 932 00:27:09,929 --> 00:27:12,298 FEBRUARY 14th ON HBO, JOHN 933 00:27:12,298 --> 00:27:12,532 OLIVER. 934 00:27:12,532 --> 00:27:13,166 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLES 935 00:27:13,166 --> 00:27:15,034 P. PIERCE! 936 00:27:19,038 --> 00:27:21,474 ♪ 937 00:27:21,474 --> 00:27:23,076 >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. 938 00:27:23,076 --> 00:27:23,710 MUSIC FROM ASHLEY McBRYDE IS ON 939 00:27:23,710 --> 00:27:24,477 THE WAY. 940 00:27:24,477 --> 00:27:25,078 OUR NEXT GUEST IS A BRILLIANT 941 00:27:25,078 --> 00:27:29,982 WRITER, AND HE IS FUNNY TOO. 942 00:27:29,982 --> 00:27:33,986 HE REALLY KNOWS HIS STUFF. 943 00:27:33,986 --> 00:27:35,354 YOU CAN READ HIM AS I DO 944 00:27:35,354 --> 00:27:36,622 MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY ON 945 00:27:36,622 --> 00:27:38,391 ESQUIRE.COM. 946 00:27:38,391 --> 00:27:41,094 PLEASE WELCOME 947 00:27:41,094 --> 00:27:42,395 CHARLES P. PIERCE. 948 00:27:42,395 --> 00:27:43,996 >> HELLO, I LIKE THE FACT THAT 949 00:27:43,996 --> 00:27:45,531 YOU HAVE YOUR OWN NAME PLATE. 950 00:27:45,531 --> 00:27:46,933 >> Jimmy: IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, 951 00:27:46,933 --> 00:27:48,801 I'VE HAD THIS SINCE I WAS 11 952 00:27:48,801 --> 00:27:49,302 YEARS OLD. 953 00:27:49,302 --> 00:27:54,807 IT WAS SITTING ON MY BUY HOOD 954 00:27:54,807 --> 00:27:55,007 DESK. 955 00:27:55,007 --> 00:27:56,542 >> IT'S LIKE I'M TALKING TO THE 956 00:27:56,542 --> 00:27:57,477 GUY FROM HR. 957 00:27:57,477 --> 00:27:58,978 >> Jimmy: I AM THE GUY FROM HR, 958 00:27:58,978 --> 00:28:00,079 KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. 959 00:28:00,079 --> 00:28:01,147 HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? 960 00:28:01,147 --> 00:28:03,850 >> WELL, JIMMY, HAVE YOU EVER 961 00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:09,388 SEEN "BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI" 962 00:28:09,388 --> 00:28:10,490 WHERE THEY PUT THE GUY IN THE 963 00:28:10,490 --> 00:28:12,759 BOX FOR A WEEK, THEY OPEN IT AND 964 00:28:12,759 --> 00:28:13,793 HE CAN'T WALK? 965 00:28:13,793 --> 00:28:15,995 THAT'S HOW I FEEL, LIKE I 966 00:28:15,995 --> 00:28:17,163 HAVEN'T WALKED IN YEARS. 967 00:28:17,163 --> 00:28:18,097 >> Jimmy: YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL 968 00:28:18,097 --> 00:28:18,831 WAY WITH WORDS. 969 00:28:18,831 --> 00:28:20,500 I WANT TO READ FROM YOUR COLUMN 970 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:21,267 TODAY. 971 00:28:21,267 --> 00:28:23,269 "WHAT THE PRESIDENT DID IN HIS 972 00:28:23,269 --> 00:28:24,904 INAUGURAL ADDRESS RIGHT OFF THE 973 00:28:24,904 --> 00:28:27,707 TOP WAS UNSHEATH THE SHIV FROM 974 00:28:27,707 --> 00:28:37,150 THE VELVET SCABBARD OF UNITY AND 975 00:28:37,150 --> 00:28:37,984 CELEBRATION." 976 00:28:37,984 --> 00:28:39,452 UNSHEATHED THE SHIV. 977 00:28:39,452 --> 00:28:40,419 YOU BELIEVE THE SHIV IS TED 978 00:28:40,419 --> 00:28:40,720 CRUZ? 979 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:41,821 >> I WOULDN'T ELIMINATE EVERYONE 980 00:28:41,821 --> 00:28:44,090 ELSE WHO TRIED TO OVERTHROW THE 981 00:28:44,090 --> 00:28:44,390 GOVERNMENT. 982 00:28:44,390 --> 00:28:45,992 TED CRUZ WAS THERE, AND ANY TIME 983 00:28:45,992 --> 00:28:48,995 TED CRUZ IS THERE TO BE A SNARK 984 00:28:48,995 --> 00:28:50,229 TARGET, I'M NOT PASSING IT UP. 985 00:28:50,229 --> 00:28:51,330 >> Jimmy: THIS IS GOING TO SOUND 986 00:28:51,330 --> 00:28:52,799 LIKE A JOKE QUESTION BUT IT 987 00:28:52,799 --> 00:28:53,032 ISN'T. 988 00:28:53,032 --> 00:28:54,300 DO YOU THINK TED CRUZ IS TOO 989 00:28:54,300 --> 00:28:55,268 UGLY TO BE PRESIDENT? 990 00:28:55,268 --> 00:28:56,135 >> I DON'T KNOW. 991 00:28:56,135 --> 00:28:58,571 I WENT BACK THROUGH THE PICTURES 992 00:28:58,571 --> 00:29:01,207 OF THE PAST PRESIDENTS. 993 00:29:01,207 --> 00:29:10,116 WE'VE ELECTED SOME REAL MU 994 00:29:10,116 --> 00:29:12,685 MULLIONS. 995 00:29:12,685 --> 00:29:15,021 ARTHUR WAS A AN UGLY GUY, HE'S 996 00:29:15,021 --> 00:29:17,957 NOT GOING TO BE ON "THE 997 00:29:17,957 --> 00:29:18,925 BACHELOR" ANY TIME SOON. 998 00:29:18,925 --> 00:29:19,959 >> Jimmy: IN THOSE DAYS YOU'D 999 00:29:19,959 --> 00:29:22,328 HAVE TO LOOK AT A DRAWING OR 1000 00:29:22,328 --> 00:29:24,297 ENGRAVING OF HIM. 1001 00:29:24,297 --> 00:29:25,431 >> I SAW THERE'S AN ACTUAL 1002 00:29:25,431 --> 00:29:27,266 PHOTOGRAPH OF JOHN QUICY ADAM. 1003 00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:28,167 >> REALLY? 1004 00:29:28,167 --> 00:29:31,404 >> YEAH, GRUMPY‐LOOKING GUY. 1005 00:29:31,404 --> 00:29:32,972 NEITHER HE NOR HIS FATHER SHOWED 1006 00:29:32,972 --> 00:29:34,473 UP THE INAUGURATION OF HARE 1007 00:29:34,473 --> 00:29:34,774 SUCCESSORS. 1008 00:29:34,774 --> 00:29:35,374 >> Jimmy: THAT'S RIGHT, WE 1009 00:29:35,374 --> 00:29:37,343 LEARNED THAT THIS WEEK. 1010 00:29:37,343 --> 00:29:38,277 ONE OF THE MANY INTERESTING 1011 00:29:38,277 --> 00:29:39,278 THINGS WE LEARNED. 1012 00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:40,746 >> FOUR PRESIDENTS HAVE REFUSED 1013 00:29:40,746 --> 00:29:42,515 TO SHOW UP FOR THEIR SUCCESSORS. 1014 00:29:42,515 --> 00:29:45,451 TWO OF THEM WERE ADAMS, WHICH 1015 00:29:45,451 --> 00:29:46,652 SHOULD GIVE YOU AN INDICATION 1016 00:29:46,652 --> 00:29:47,687 HOW THEY FELT ABOUT THE REST OF 1017 00:29:47,687 --> 00:29:48,020 THE WORLD. 1018 00:29:48,020 --> 00:29:50,756 >> Jimmy: WELL, MAYBE FUTURE 1019 00:29:50,756 --> 00:29:51,457 PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP JR. WILL 1020 00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:52,458 NOT SHOW UP AT HIS SUCCESSOR'S 1021 00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:55,094 INAUGURATION. 1022 00:29:55,094 --> 00:29:56,362 >> WELL, I INTEND NOT TO BE 1023 00:29:56,362 --> 00:30:02,201 ALIVE FOR HIS INAUGURATION. 1024 00:30:02,201 --> 00:30:03,236 I'M MAKING CONTINGENCY PLANS 1025 00:30:03,236 --> 00:30:04,103 RIGHT NOW FOR THAT. 1026 00:30:04,103 --> 00:30:05,705 >> Jimmy: YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT 1027 00:30:05,705 --> 00:30:06,505 ABOUT HISTORY, ESPECIALLY WHEN 1028 00:30:06,505 --> 00:30:08,241 IT COMES TO PRESIDENTS AND 1029 00:30:08,241 --> 00:30:09,408 POLITICS AND THAT SORT OF THING. 1030 00:30:09,408 --> 00:30:11,944 DO YOU WORRY THAT WHAT WE JUST 1031 00:30:11,944 --> 00:30:13,713 SAW THE LAST FOUR YEARS WITH 1032 00:30:13,713 --> 00:30:15,548 DONALD TRUMP, THAT THERE'S A 1033 00:30:15,548 --> 00:30:16,148 WORSE VERSION OF DONALD TRUMP 1034 00:30:16,148 --> 00:30:18,417 COMING? 1035 00:30:18,417 --> 00:30:21,921 >> I'VE BEEN WRITING THAT ON THE 1036 00:30:21,921 --> 00:30:22,822 BLOG OFF AND ON EVER SINCE HE 1037 00:30:22,822 --> 00:30:28,327 WON THE PRIMARIES. 1038 00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:28,961 IN 2016. 1039 00:30:28,961 --> 00:30:30,596 I'VE BEEN WRITING THAT WHAT I'M 1040 00:30:30,596 --> 00:30:33,232 AFRAID OF IS THE NEXT GUY ISN'T 1041 00:30:33,232 --> 00:30:35,668 GOING TO BE AN INCOMPETENT 1042 00:30:35,668 --> 00:30:36,135 PSYCHOPATH. 1043 00:30:36,135 --> 00:30:38,037 EITHER HE'S GOING TO BE A REALLY 1044 00:30:38,037 --> 00:30:39,205 COMPETENT PSYCHOPATH, OR HE'S 1045 00:30:39,205 --> 00:30:42,808 JUST GOING TO BE COMPETENT. 1046 00:30:42,808 --> 00:30:44,043 BECAUSE I DON'T THINK ‐‐ I MEAN, 1047 00:30:44,043 --> 00:30:45,711 TODAY IT'S A GOOD DAY NOT TO 1048 00:30:45,711 --> 00:30:46,345 THINK ABOUT THIS. 1049 00:30:46,345 --> 00:30:48,915 HE CAME AWFULLY CLOSE TO GETTING 1050 00:30:48,915 --> 00:30:49,215 RE‐ELECTED. 1051 00:30:49,215 --> 00:30:49,782 >> Jimmy: YEAH, HE DID. 1052 00:30:49,782 --> 00:30:51,918 >> THERE'S A HUNGER IN SOME 1053 00:30:51,918 --> 00:30:54,954 PEOPLE FOR THE KIND OF ‐‐ 1054 00:30:54,954 --> 00:30:58,090 WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, INSTEAD OF 1055 00:30:58,090 --> 00:30:59,458 LEADERSHIP, WE HAD FOR THE LAST 1056 00:30:59,458 --> 00:31:00,693 FOUR YEARS. 1057 00:31:00,693 --> 00:31:02,862 AND THAT LAND MINE'S GOING TO 1058 00:31:02,862 --> 00:31:03,696 GET DEFUSED. 1059 00:31:03,696 --> 00:31:06,365 SO YES, I AM CONCERNED THAT 1060 00:31:06,365 --> 00:31:07,099 SOMEWHERE OUT THERE ‐‐ TOM 1061 00:31:07,099 --> 00:31:12,471 COTTON ‐‐ WILL COME ALONG AND BE 1062 00:31:12,471 --> 00:31:13,105 BETTER AT BEING AN AUTHORITARIAN 1063 00:31:13,105 --> 00:31:15,074 THAN HE WAS. 1064 00:31:15,074 --> 00:31:16,575 >> Jimmy: YEAH, TOM COTTON IS 1065 00:31:16,575 --> 00:31:18,110 ONE TO KEEP AN EYE ON FOR SURE. 1066 00:31:18,110 --> 00:31:20,179 I NOTICE YOU HAVE THE ELIZABETH 1067 00:31:20,179 --> 00:31:20,980 WARREN POSTER UP. 1068 00:31:20,980 --> 00:31:22,248 I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU 1069 00:31:22,248 --> 00:31:23,416 WERE ON THE SHOW, WHICH I THINK 1070 00:31:23,416 --> 00:31:25,985 WAS TWO YEARS AGO, RIGHT AROUND 1071 00:31:25,985 --> 00:31:26,619 NOW. 1072 00:31:26,619 --> 00:31:28,020 WE WERE TALKING ABOUT JOE BIDEN. 1073 00:31:28,020 --> 00:31:28,988 AND YOU DIDN'T THINK HE WAS THE 1074 00:31:28,988 --> 00:31:29,322 GUY. 1075 00:31:29,322 --> 00:31:31,924 YOU DID NOT THINK HE WOULD BE 1076 00:31:31,924 --> 00:31:32,158 THE GUY. 1077 00:31:32,158 --> 00:31:33,326 >> Y■EAH, I CALLED THAT A LITTL 1078 00:31:33,326 --> 00:31:37,330 EARLY, DIDN'T I? 1079 00:31:37,330 --> 00:31:38,998 YEAH. 1080 00:31:38,998 --> 00:31:41,767 YOU KNOW, I WATCHED AS JIM 1081 00:31:41,767 --> 00:31:43,736 CLYBURN IN SOUTH CAROLINA TURNED 1082 00:31:43,736 --> 00:31:44,904 HIS ENTIRE FUTURE AROUND, WHICH 1083 00:31:44,904 --> 00:31:46,472 IS STILL ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING 1084 00:31:46,472 --> 00:31:47,707 THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN. 1085 00:31:47,707 --> 00:31:50,843 HE WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF IT. 1086 00:31:50,843 --> 00:31:52,578 AND THEN A DAY BEFORE SOUTH 1087 00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:54,046 CAROLINA, HE TOOK THE LEAD. 1088 00:31:54,046 --> 00:31:56,148 AND HE NEVER LOOKED BACK. 1089 00:31:56,148 --> 00:31:58,150 AND I THINK WHAT I MISJUDGED, 1090 00:31:58,150 --> 00:32:00,019 AND I SAID THIS TO A COUPLE OF 1091 00:32:00,019 --> 00:32:01,387 PEOPLE, WHAT I REALLY MISJUDGED 1092 00:32:01,387 --> 00:32:02,788 DURING THE CAMPAIGN WAS THE 1093 00:32:02,788 --> 00:32:05,124 HUNGER IN THE COUNTRY FOR A 1094 00:32:05,124 --> 00:32:06,225 PRESIDENT YOU COULD IGNORE THREE 1095 00:32:06,225 --> 00:32:08,260 DAYS A WEEK. 1096 00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:08,661 >> Jimmy: RIGHT. 1097 00:32:08,661 --> 00:32:10,329 >> PEOPLE WERE SO DESPERATE TO 1098 00:32:10,329 --> 00:32:11,097 GET BACK TO NORMAL. 1099 00:32:11,097 --> 00:32:13,199 AND I THINK THEY LOOKED AT JOE 1100 00:32:13,199 --> 00:32:14,700 BIDEN AND SAID, WE KNOW THE GUY, 1101 00:32:14,700 --> 00:32:17,036 WE LIKE THE GUY, THINGS WILL GET 1102 00:32:17,036 --> 00:32:18,404 BACK TO NORMAL IF WE VOTE FOR 1103 00:32:18,404 --> 00:32:19,005 HIM. 1104 00:32:19,005 --> 00:32:20,306 AND I THINK ‐‐ I MEAN, I THINK 1105 00:32:20,306 --> 00:32:22,274 THAT HAD A LOT TO DO WITH HIS 1106 00:32:22,274 --> 00:32:22,541 RECOVERY. 1107 00:32:22,541 --> 00:32:24,110 >> Jimmy: YOU MENTIONED CLYBURN. 1108 00:32:24,110 --> 00:32:25,978 I HEARD A STORY TODAY THAT 1109 00:32:25,978 --> 00:32:27,413 GEORGE BUSH, WHO I KNOW YOU HAVE 1110 00:32:27,413 --> 00:32:29,382 NO FONDNESS FOR EVEN THOUGH MANY 1111 00:32:29,382 --> 00:32:31,150 NOW LOOK AT HIM SOMEWHAT FONDLY 1112 00:32:31,150 --> 00:32:33,919 AFTER WHAT WE JUST 1113 00:32:33,919 --> 00:32:36,255 EXPERIENCED ‐‐ ACTUALLY SPOKE, 1114 00:32:36,255 --> 00:32:37,923 ACTUALLY TALKED TO HIM, THANKED 1115 00:32:37,923 --> 00:32:40,526 HIM FOR HELPING JOE BIDEN WIN 1116 00:32:40,526 --> 00:32:40,860 THE ELECTION. 1117 00:32:40,860 --> 00:32:41,794 >> YEAH, I SAW THAT. 1118 00:32:41,794 --> 00:32:43,396 BECAUSE HE THINKS BIDEN WAS THE 1119 00:32:43,396 --> 00:32:45,398 ONLY ONE WHO COULD HAVE BEATEN 1120 00:32:45,398 --> 00:32:45,598 TRUMP. 1121 00:32:45,598 --> 00:32:47,433 I'M BEGINNING TO THINK THAT TOO. 1122 00:32:47,433 --> 00:32:48,334 I DIDN'T THINK THAT UNTIL THE 1123 00:32:48,334 --> 00:32:49,535 RETURNS CAME IN ON ELECTION 1124 00:32:49,535 --> 00:32:50,136 NIGHT AND I SAW HOW CLOSE IT 1125 00:32:50,136 --> 00:32:53,773 ACTUALLY WAS. 1126 00:32:53,773 --> 00:32:56,242 BUT YEAH, THAT WAS ‐‐ THAT WAS 1127 00:32:56,242 --> 00:32:58,577 A ‐‐ JIM CLYBURN HAS WORKED IN 1128 00:32:58,577 --> 00:33:00,713 THE VINEYARDS FOR SO LONG, IT'S 1129 00:33:00,713 --> 00:33:02,815 A NICE THING THAT HE'S GETTING A 1130 00:33:02,815 --> 00:33:04,350 LOT OF RUN, YOU KNOW, ABOUT 1131 00:33:04,350 --> 00:33:05,551 ELECTING A PRESIDENT, WHICH IS 1132 00:33:05,551 --> 00:33:06,819 ESSENTIALLY WHAT HE DID. 1133 00:33:06,819 --> 00:33:07,820 >> Jimmy: LAST NIGHT DONALD 1134 00:33:07,820 --> 00:33:10,956 TRUMP PARDONED 144 PEOPLE. 1135 00:33:10,956 --> 00:33:12,758 LAST NIGHT YOU TWEETED, IT 1136 00:33:12,758 --> 00:33:15,027 APPEARS THAT EVERY CROOKED 1137 00:33:15,027 --> 00:33:17,630 POLITICIAN BACK TO 1789 GOT A 1138 00:33:17,630 --> 00:33:19,865 PARDON, I BELIEVE HE MAY HAVE 1139 00:33:19,865 --> 00:33:20,299 PARDONED AARON BURR. 1140 00:33:20,299 --> 00:33:25,304 >> IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. 1141 00:33:25,304 --> 00:33:26,605 KILPATRICK, MAYOR OF DETROIT, 1142 00:33:26,605 --> 00:33:28,240 APPARENTLY HE GOT ON THE RADAR 1143 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:29,608 FROM DIAMOND AND SILK. 1144 00:33:29,608 --> 00:33:30,142 >> Jimmy: IS THAT RIGHT? 1145 00:33:30,142 --> 00:33:30,943 IS THAT TRUE? 1146 00:33:30,943 --> 00:33:33,646 >> IN THE OFFICIAL ‐‐ THE 1147 00:33:33,646 --> 00:33:35,781 DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE PUT OUT A 1148 00:33:35,781 --> 00:33:36,816 LIST OF THE PARDONS AND HOW THEY 1149 00:33:36,816 --> 00:33:38,584 GOT THE PARDONS. 1150 00:33:38,584 --> 00:33:40,519 YOU HAVE TO BE RECOMMENDED. 1151 00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:43,155 ONE OF THE PEOPLE ‐‐ ONE OF THE 1152 00:33:43,155 --> 00:33:45,424 RECOMMENDATIONS FOR KWAME 1153 00:33:45,424 --> 00:33:47,793 KILPATRICK WAS DIAMOND AND SILK, 1154 00:33:47,793 --> 00:33:49,395 UPON WHOM I HOPE WE HAVE HEARD 1155 00:33:49,395 --> 00:33:50,029 THE ABSOLUTE LAST. 1156 00:33:50,029 --> 00:33:51,764 >> Jimmy: TRYING TO FIGURE OUT 1157 00:33:51,764 --> 00:33:53,432 KWAME KILPATRICK GOT ON THE 1158 00:33:53,432 --> 00:33:53,766 LIST. 1159 00:33:53,766 --> 00:33:54,834 AND IT DOES SEEM THAT TRUMP IS 1160 00:33:54,834 --> 00:33:57,236 TRYING TO SOMEHOW INGRATIATE 1161 00:33:57,236 --> 00:33:59,405 HIMSELF TO THE BLACK COMMUNITY 1162 00:33:59,405 --> 00:34:02,808 BY PARDONING RAPPERS AND ‐‐ I 1163 00:34:02,808 --> 00:34:04,610 MEAN, THE IDEA THAT HE EVEN 1164 00:34:04,610 --> 00:34:06,812 KNOWS WHO KODAK BLACK ‐‐ DID YOU 1165 00:34:06,812 --> 00:34:07,480 KNOW KODAK BLACK? 1166 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:08,414 >> NO, THAT'S ONE THAT GOT PAST 1167 00:34:08,414 --> 00:34:11,183 ME. 1168 00:34:11,183 --> 00:34:16,555 I AM RELENTLESSLY NOT IN THAT 1169 00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:16,789 REGARD. 1170 00:34:16,789 --> 00:34:17,823 REMEMBER DUKE CUNNINGHAM? 1171 00:34:17,823 --> 00:34:18,190 >> Jimmy: YES. 1172 00:34:18,190 --> 00:34:20,092 >> CONGRESSMAN FROM CALIFORNIA. 1173 00:34:20,092 --> 00:34:20,493 >> Jimmy: YEAH. 1174 00:34:20,493 --> 00:34:21,727 >> HE WAS A SCANDAL I HAD 1175 00:34:21,727 --> 00:34:23,696 COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT, AND 1176 00:34:23,696 --> 00:34:24,763 HE GOT A PARDON. 1177 00:34:24,763 --> 00:34:26,198 SO YEAH. 1178 00:34:26,198 --> 00:34:28,934 I THINK HE PROBABLY PARDONED 1179 00:34:28,934 --> 00:34:31,504 AARON BURR AND JEFF DAVIS, MAYBE 1180 00:34:31,504 --> 00:34:33,472 HARRY DOUGHERTY, THE TEAPOT DOME 1181 00:34:33,472 --> 00:34:35,674 GUY, I HAVE NO IDEA. 1182 00:34:35,674 --> 00:34:37,176 >> Jimmy: O. J. HAS TO BE SO 1183 00:34:37,176 --> 00:34:37,476 BUMMED. 1184 00:34:37,476 --> 00:34:39,678 >> HOW ABOUT JOE EXOTIC? 1185 00:34:39,678 --> 00:34:41,213 >> Jimmy: JOE EXOTIC, YEAH. 1186 00:34:41,213 --> 00:34:42,948 >> RENTED A LIMO TO TAKE HIM 1187 00:34:42,948 --> 00:34:45,084 AWAY FROM PRISON, HAD TO PAY FOR 1188 00:34:45,084 --> 00:34:47,052 THE LIMO, AND DIDN'T GET OUT. 1189 00:34:47,052 --> 00:34:48,454 I HATE THAT WHEN THAT HAPPENS. 1190 00:34:48,454 --> 00:34:49,355 >> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT 1191 00:34:49,355 --> 00:34:51,056 PAYING FOR THE LIMO. 1192 00:34:51,056 --> 00:34:53,159 I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT 1193 00:34:53,159 --> 00:34:55,060 THE LOGO FOR THE LIMO COMPANY 1194 00:34:55,060 --> 00:34:57,229 WAS PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED IN THE 1195 00:34:57,229 --> 00:34:57,796 VIDEOTAPE THEY RELEASED. 1196 00:34:57,796 --> 00:35:00,332 THAT MAY HAVE BEEN A TRADEOUT. 1197 00:35:00,332 --> 00:35:01,800 OFF THE HOOK ON THAT ONE. 1198 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:04,803 >> JOE HAD TO GO BACK TO HIS 1199 00:35:04,803 --> 00:35:08,674 CELL, YOU KNOW, DO HIS CAGED 1200 00:35:08,674 --> 00:35:09,175 TIGER IMITATION AGAIN. 1201 00:35:09,175 --> 00:35:10,476 >> Jimmy: YEAH, I LOVE READING 1202 00:35:10,476 --> 00:35:11,010 YOUR STUFF. 1203 00:35:11,010 --> 00:35:12,811 I LOOK AT EVERY ONE OF YOUR 1204 00:35:12,811 --> 00:35:13,312 TWEETS. 1205 00:35:13,312 --> 00:35:15,514 I FEEL LIKE I LEARN A LOT. 1206 00:35:15,514 --> 00:35:16,782 AND THERE'S ALWAYS FUNNY STUFF. 1207 00:35:16,782 --> 00:35:18,551 I LOVE THAT YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING 1208 00:35:18,551 --> 00:35:21,220 AN ASTERISK NEXT TO THE WORD 1209 00:35:21,220 --> 00:35:22,521 "PRESIDENT" FOR THE LAST FOUR 1210 00:35:22,521 --> 00:35:22,721 YEARS. 1211 00:35:22,721 --> 00:35:22,988 >> YEAH. 1212 00:35:22,988 --> 00:35:23,856 >> Jimmy: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE 1213 00:35:23,856 --> 00:35:24,590 TO STOP THAT NOW. 1214 00:35:24,590 --> 00:35:26,025 >> I'VE GOT TO APOLOGIZE IN 1215 00:35:26,025 --> 00:35:27,560 ADVANCE TO BIDEN, BECAUSE I WILL 1216 00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,196 DO IT JUST OUT OF MUSCLE MEMORY 1217 00:35:30,196 --> 00:35:31,764 AT LEAST ONCE UNTIL HE GETS 1218 00:35:31,764 --> 00:35:32,932 SETTLED INTO THE OFFICE. 1219 00:35:32,932 --> 00:35:34,633 AS I SAID BEFORE, I THINK THE 1220 00:35:34,633 --> 00:35:36,569 LAST TIME I WAS ON, THAT WAS MY 1221 00:35:36,569 --> 00:35:37,036 WIFE'S IDEA. 1222 00:35:37,036 --> 00:35:39,605 BECAUSE I DIDN'T COME UP WITH A 1223 00:35:39,605 --> 00:35:40,973 CONDEMN WUS WAY TO REFER TO THE 1224 00:35:40,973 --> 00:35:42,575 GUY FOR FOUR YEARS. 1225 00:35:42,575 --> 00:35:43,976 AND SHE SAID, JUST PUT AN 1226 00:35:43,976 --> 00:35:44,710 ASTERISK NEXT TO IT. 1227 00:35:44,710 --> 00:35:45,744 >> Jimmy: IT WAS A GREAT IDEA 1228 00:35:45,744 --> 00:35:47,813 AND IT AMUSED ME EVERY TIME I 1229 00:35:47,813 --> 00:35:48,681 READ IT. 1230 00:35:48,681 --> 00:35:49,481 I WOULD SUGGEST YOU PROBABLY 1231 00:35:49,481 --> 00:35:51,650 DON'T USE THE ASTERISK A WHOLE 1232 00:35:51,650 --> 00:35:53,252 LOT, AND MAYBE JUST PULL THAT 1233 00:35:53,252 --> 00:35:55,454 KEY OFF YOUR TYPEWRITER FOR A 1234 00:35:55,454 --> 00:35:55,654 WHILE. 1235 00:35:55,654 --> 00:35:56,855 >> THAT'S A POSSIBILITY. 1236 00:35:56,855 --> 00:35:59,625 ALTHOUGH I AM GOING TO GET TO 1237 00:35:59,625 --> 00:36:02,695 USE IT FOR FORMER PRESIDENT AND 1238 00:36:02,695 --> 00:36:03,229 EXPRESIDENT, AND PERHAPS 1239 00:36:03,229 --> 00:36:05,764 DEFENDANT PRESIDENT. 1240 00:36:05,764 --> 00:36:06,265 YOU KNOW. 1241 00:36:06,265 --> 00:36:07,533 DONALD TRUMP IS MOVING RIGHT 1242 00:36:07,533 --> 00:36:09,468 INTO A JOB AS A CAREER 1243 00:36:09,468 --> 00:36:09,735 DEFENDANT. 1244 00:36:09,735 --> 00:36:11,070 >> Jimmy: LET'S KEEP OUR FINGERS 1245 00:36:11,070 --> 00:36:12,705 CROSSED THAT THAT WILL BE TRUE. 1246 00:36:12,705 --> 00:36:14,740 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US 1247 00:36:14,740 --> 00:36:15,007 TONIGHT. 1248 00:36:15,007 --> 00:36:16,942 >> THANK YOU, JIMMY, HAPPY NEW 1249 00:36:16,942 --> 00:36:17,142 YEAR. 1250 00:36:17,142 --> 00:36:19,812 >> Jimmy: HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU, 1251 00:36:19,812 --> 00:36:21,981 CHARLES P. PIERCE, ESQUIRE.COM, 1252 00:36:21,981 --> 00:36:22,848 FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER TOO. 1253 00:36:22,848 --> 00:36:25,651 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ASHLEY 1254 00:36:25,651 --> 00:36:27,219 McBRYDE! 1255 00:36:27,219 --> 00:36:27,920 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL 1256 00:36:27,920 --> 00:36:28,854 LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 1257 00:36:28,854 --> 00:36:29,555 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. 1258 00:36:29,555 --> 00:36:31,690 THE BEST OR NOTHING. 1259 00:36:37,062 --> 00:36:39,531 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL 1260 00:36:39,531 --> 00:36:40,132 LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 1261 00:36:40,132 --> 00:36:41,066 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. 1262 00:36:41,066 --> 00:36:43,102 THE BEST OR NOTHING. 1263 00:36:43,102 --> 00:36:44,603 >> Jimmy: HELLO AGAIN. 1264 00:36:44,603 --> 00:36:46,105 WELCOME BACK TO MY BUNKER. 1265 00:36:46,105 --> 00:36:48,574 HER GRAMMY NOMINATED ALBUM IS 1266 00:36:48,574 --> 00:36:49,008 CALLED "NEVER WILL." 1267 00:36:49,008 --> 00:36:51,443 PLAYING THE TITLE TRACK, 1268 00:36:51,443 --> 00:36:55,147 ASHLEY McBRYDE! 1269 00:36:57,082 --> 00:36:57,249 ♪ 1270 00:36:57,249 --> 00:37:08,827 ♪ 1271 00:37:08,827 --> 00:37:09,328 ♪ I HEARD GO ON AND GO 1272 00:37:09,328 --> 00:37:10,062 BUT JUST KNOW WHERE 1273 00:37:10,062 --> 00:37:11,830 YOU'RE GOING IS 1274 00:37:11,830 --> 00:37:15,768 A DEAD END ♪ 1275 00:37:15,768 --> 00:37:18,537 ♪ PLAYING IN BARS ONLY 1276 00:37:18,537 --> 00:37:19,004 MAKES YOU THE STAR OF 1277 00:37:19,004 --> 00:37:21,273 A HOUSE BAND 1278 00:37:21,273 --> 00:37:22,808 AND SOMETIMES THE ♪ 1279 00:37:22,808 --> 00:37:25,044 ♪ HARDEST PART WAS JUST 1280 00:37:25,044 --> 00:37:29,048 TO KEEP PLAYING 1281 00:37:29,048 --> 00:37:32,051 I'D BEEN GONE LONG AGO 1282 00:37:32,051 --> 00:37:32,551 IF I'D LISTENED TO ♪ 1283 00:37:32,551 --> 00:37:37,156 ♪ WHAT THEY WERE SAYING 1284 00:37:37,156 --> 00:37:37,823 WHAT THEY WERE SAYING 1285 00:37:37,823 --> 00:37:41,160 BUT I DIDN'T, I DON'T 1286 00:37:41,160 --> 00:37:44,563 I NEVER WILL ♪ 1287 00:37:44,563 --> 00:37:45,831 ♪ NO, THEY JUST 1288 00:37:45,831 --> 00:37:47,066 STARTED A FIRE 1289 00:37:47,066 --> 00:37:53,105 THEY CAN'T CONTROL 1290 00:37:53,105 --> 00:37:53,706 AND I WOULDN'T TRADE ONE ♪ 1291 00:37:53,706 --> 00:37:55,307 ♪ MOMENT FOR THE 1292 00:37:55,307 --> 00:37:58,777 WAY IT FEELS 1293 00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:01,347 KNOWING I DIDN'T, I DON'T 1294 00:38:01,347 --> 00:38:08,354 AND I NEVER WILL ♪ 1295 00:38:08,354 --> 00:38:08,887 ♪ THEY SAID SEEING YOUR 1296 00:38:08,887 --> 00:38:12,624 NAME UP IN LIGHTS 1297 00:38:12,624 --> 00:38:12,958 YOU KNOW IT'S 1298 00:38:12,958 --> 00:38:13,859 GONNA CHANGE YA ♪ 1299 00:38:13,859 --> 00:38:14,893 ♪ YOU'LL LOOK IN 1300 00:38:14,893 --> 00:38:17,196 A MIRROR SOME NIGHT AND 1301 00:38:17,196 --> 00:38:20,165 YOU'LL SEE A STRANGER 1302 00:38:20,165 --> 00:38:22,334 BUT YOU GOTTA ♪ 1303 00:38:22,334 --> 00:38:24,603 ♪ PLAY THE GAME IF 1304 00:38:24,603 --> 00:38:25,237 YOU EVER WANT TO PLAY 1305 00:38:25,237 --> 00:38:29,274 TO THE BIG CROWDS 1306 00:38:29,274 --> 00:38:29,842 YOU'VE GONE AS FAR AS ♪ 1307 00:38:29,842 --> 00:38:31,343 ♪ YOU'LL EVER GO UNLESS 1308 00:38:31,343 --> 00:38:36,615 YOU'RE WILLING TO SELL OUT 1309 00:38:36,615 --> 00:38:36,949 GIRL SELL OUT 1310 00:38:36,949 --> 00:38:38,417 WELL I DIDN'T, I DON'T ♪ 1311 00:38:38,417 --> 00:38:45,224 ♪ I NEVER WILL 1312 00:38:45,224 --> 00:38:49,228 NO, THEY JUST STARTED 1313 00:38:49,228 --> 00:38:51,130 A FIRE THEY CAN'T CONTROL 1314 00:38:51,130 --> 00:38:53,365 AND I WOULDN'T TAKE ♪ 1315 00:38:53,365 --> 00:38:54,833 ♪ ONE MOMENT FOR 1316 00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:59,571 THE WAY IT FEELS 1317 00:38:59,571 --> 00:39:00,105 KNOWING I DIDN'T, I DON'T 1318 00:39:00,105 --> 00:39:05,144 AND I NEVER WILL ♪ 1319 00:39:05,144 --> 00:39:13,452 ♪ OH, I NEVER WILL 1320 00:39:13,452 --> 00:39:15,687 ♪ 1321 00:39:15,687 --> 00:39:30,636 ♪ 1322 00:39:30,636 --> 00:39:32,538 ♪ MONEY AND FAME IT WILL 1323 00:39:32,538 --> 00:39:33,272 GO TO YOUR HEAD 1324 00:39:33,272 --> 00:39:35,340 IF YOU GET IT ♪ 1325 00:39:35,340 --> 00:39:36,775 ♪ THEY NEVER DID 1326 00:39:36,775 --> 00:39:38,811 UNDERSTAND ALL THE 1327 00:39:38,811 --> 00:39:42,548 REASONS WE DID IT 1328 00:39:42,548 --> 00:39:44,516 I CAN POINT OUT THE NAMES ♪ 1329 00:39:44,516 --> 00:39:46,118 ♪ AND THE FACES OF 1330 00:39:46,118 --> 00:39:49,555 THE PEOPLE WHO SAID IT 1331 00:39:49,555 --> 00:39:53,292 OH BUT HONESTLY I 1332 00:39:53,292 --> 00:39:57,296 JUST DON'T WANT 'EM ♪ 1333 00:39:57,296 --> 00:39:57,763 ♪ TO GET ANY CREDIT 1334 00:39:57,763 --> 00:40:01,300 BUT I DIDN'T, NO 1335 00:40:01,300 --> 00:40:02,801 I NEVER WILL 1336 00:40:02,801 --> 00:40:05,270 I NEVER WILL ♪ 1337 00:40:05,270 --> 00:40:07,272 ♪ OH, THEY JUST STARTED 1338 00:40:07,272 --> 00:40:10,542 A FIRE THEY CAN'T CONTROL 1339 00:40:10,542 --> 00:40:15,047 OH NO, NO 1340 00:40:15,047 --> 00:40:17,015 AND YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T ♪ 1341 00:40:17,015 --> 00:40:17,516 ♪ TRADE ONE MOMENT FOR 1342 00:40:17,516 --> 00:40:18,050 THE WAY IT FEELS 1343 00:40:18,050 --> 00:40:21,086 THE WAY IT FEELS 1344 00:40:21,086 --> 00:40:25,290 I DIDN'T, I DON'T ♪ 1345 00:40:25,290 --> 00:40:27,826 ♪ AND I NEVER WILL 1346 00:40:27,826 --> 00:40:33,298 I NEVER WILL ♪ 1347 00:40:33,298 --> 00:40:44,109 ♪ 1348 00:40:50,249 --> 00:40:53,151 ♪ 1349 00:40:53,151 --> 00:40:54,152 >> Jimmy: THAT IS ALL THE TIME 1350 00:40:54,152 --> 00:40:56,755 WE HAVE. 1351 00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:58,757 THANKS TO JOHN OLIVER, THANKS TO 1352 00:40:58,757 --> 00:41:02,127 CHARLES P. PIERCE, THANKS TO 1353 00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:03,996 ASHLEY McBRYDE. 1354 00:41:03,996 --> 00:41:05,998 APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.