♪ BA DA BA BA DA BA BA DA BA BA DA BA ♪
♪ "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" BACK AT HOME!
>> Jimmy: HI, I'M JIMMY, I'M THE HOST OF THE SHOATE.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. THE 21st DAY, OF THE 21st YEAR,
OF THE 21st CENTURY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
NOTHING. IT IS ALSO OUR FIRST FULL DAY OF
TRUMPLESSNESS HERE IN THE U.S.A. THERE WERE NO CRAZY TWEETS FROM
THE POTUS ACCOUNT TODAY. NO EXCLAMATION POINTS.
NO ALL CAPS. THIS IS KIND OF FUN.
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS ALL DAY TODAY.
IF YOU HAVE ONE OF THESE AT HOME, YOU SHOULD TRY IT
YOURSELF. WATCH THIS.
ALEXA, IS DONALD TRUMP PRESIDENT?
>> DONALD TRUMP IS A FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Jimmy: FORMER PRESIDENT. ALEXA, WHAT IS HE DOING NOW?
>> HE IS AT HOME IN FLORIDA YELLING AT THE TV AND SUCKING
HIS THUMB. >> Jimmy: THE JOE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION IS UNDER WAY. I HAVE TO SAY, IT FEELS GOOD TO
ONLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A DEADLY PANDEMIC ALL DAY.
IT IS KIND OF SAD HOW MUCH OF MY LIFE, AND BRAINSPACE, AND ENERGY
I SPENT FOCUSED ON THIS AWFUL, SELFISH CON-MAN FOR THE PAST
FIVE YEARS. PAYING ATTENTION TO EVERY STUPID
THING HE SAID, EVERY DUMB MOVE OR HORRIBLE POLICY HE CAME UP
WITH. I DON'T HAVE A JOKE FOR THAT, I
JUST WANTED TO POINT OUT HOW SAD IT IS.
BUT IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON. THE BIDENS ARE MOVED IN.
THEIR DOGS MUST BE GOING CRAZY. BECAUSE EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE
FRIED CHICKEN IN THERE. DID YOU WATCH THE INAUGURAL
CONCERT LAST NIGHT, GUILLERMO? >> Guillermo: YEAH, IT WAS
FANTASTIC, JIMMY. >> Jimmy: YOU DID.
YOU ENJOYED IT? WHAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT FOR YOU?
>> Guillermo: KATY PERRY AND DEMI LOVATO.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, ALWAYS THE LADIES.
>> Guillermo: ALWAYS. >> Jimmy: IN CASE YOU DIDN'T SEE
IT, TOM HANKS HOSTED A STAR-STUDDED "CELEBRATING
AMERICA" CONCERT. THE LINEUP WAS TREMENDOUS --
THE ONES GUILLERMO MENTIONED, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, JOHN LEGEND,
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, FOO FIGHTERS, AND THE MAN OF THE HOUR --
BROADWAY JOE BIDEN HIMSELF! ♪ HAIL TO THE CHIEF
>> HELLO. >> Jimmy: UH, CAN I HELP YOU,
SIR? THE GARDENING SUPPLIES ARE IN
THE BACK. IT DID FEEL CALMING.
IT FELT FAMILIAR AND WARM, WATCHING THESE PEOPLE WE KNOW
COME TOGETHER. I THINK IT'S BECAUSE THIS IS
KIND OF LIKE A SPIN-OFF PRESIDENCY.
JOE BIDEN WAS ONE OF THE MOST BELOVED SUPPORTING CHARACTERS
FROM THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, NOW HE'S GOT HIS OWN SHOW.
BASICALLY, THIS IS THE "FRASIER" OF PRESIDENCIES.
GRAMPOTUS HIT THE GROUND WALKING AT A VERY BRISK PACE.
SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF WORK IS BEING DONE.
HE REJOINED THE PARIS CLIMATE ACCORDS.
HE ENDED THE MUSLIM TRAVEL BAN. AT THE PENTAGON, THEY PUT THE
REAL NUCLEAR CODES BACK IN THE FOOTBALL.
DR. FAUCI WAS BACK, A REINVIGORATED DR. FAUCI.
THAT WAS GOOD TO SEE. FAUCI ANSWERED QUESTIONS, HE
SHARED A LOT OF INFORMATION, HE TOLD US ABOUT A NEW STRAIN OF
THE VIRUS IN SOUTH AFRICA. HE SEEMED HAPPY TO BE OUT OF
CAPTIVITY. BIDEN SIGNED SEVERAL ORDERS
RELATED TO THE PANDEMIC TODAY. ONE WILL REQUIRE TRAVELERS TO
WEAR MASKS ON PLANES, TRAINS, AND CITY BUSES.
THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO WEAR MASKS ON THE
PLANE BUT THIS ORDER MAKES IT A FEDERAL MANDATE.
SO, IF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT, THEY HAVE TO LEAVE THE PLANE.
PREFERABLY WHILE IT'S IN THE AIR.
BIDEN ALSO GOT RID OF THE DIET COKE BUTTON TODAY.
YOU KNOW, TRUMP HAD A BUTTON, IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
AND EVERY TIME HE PUSHED IT, THEY WOULD BRING IN A DIET COKE
ON A SILVER TRAY. IT WAS THE JOB HIS SON ERIC WAS
BORN TO DO. THAT'S GONE NOW.
JOE PREFERS A TALL, COOL TUMBLER FULL OF SARSAPARILLA.
WHAT THE BIDEN TEAM IS DOING RIGHT NOW IS LIKE WHEN YOU OPEN
THE HOOD OF A CAR YOU'VE HAD IN STORAGE, YOUR DAD'S '67 SHELBY
GT, AND YOU FIND OUT RATS GOT INSIDE, AND ATE THE INSULATION
FROM THE WIRES AND CHEWED UP THE UPHO
UPHOLSTERY, CRAPPED A LITTLE. AT THE TOP OF THE LIST OF THINGS
THEY NEED TO DRAMATICALLY IMPROVE IS TRUMP'S VACCINE
ROLLOUT PLAN. WHICH WILL BE A CHALLENGE AS WE
FOUND OUT TODAY IT DOES NOT EXIST, THERE WAS NO ROLL-OUT
PLAN. I HAVE TO SAY WITH ALL THESE
PROBLEMS, IT KINDA MAKES YOU WONDER HOW JOE IS GONNA FIND
TIME TO WATCH FIVE HOURS OF "RACHEL MADDOW" EVERY DAY.
THAT'S WHAT PRESIDENTS DO, RIGHT?
WE HAVE NOT HEARD A PEEP FROM DONALD TRUMP, AND WE ARE
GRATEFUL TO HIM FOR THAT. TRUMP SPENT HIS FIRST FULL DAY
OUT OF OFFICE ON THE GOLF COURSE.
SO NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED. HE IS PUTTING AND PLOTTING.
TRUMP IS ALREADY SAID TO BE PLANNING HIS RETURN TO THE
POLITICAL STAGE. AFTER LESS THAN ONE DAY.
TRUMP IS GOING TO KEEP COMING BACK, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T MAKE
ANY SENSE. LIKE THE EMPEROR IN THE "STAR
WARS" MOVIES. EMPEROR PALPATEENY TINY HANDS.
TRUMP GOT A MEATBALL HERO'S WELCOME YESTERDAY IN PALM BEACH.
FANS HELD SIGNS ALONG HIS DRIVE TO MAR-A-LAGO.
"TRUMP WON! ELECTION FRAUD!"
SO YOU CAN SEE THE HEALING HAS BEGUN.
BUT JUST BECAUSE TRUMP IS DOWN IN FLORIDA, DOESN'T MEAN HIS
FRIENDS IN WASHINGTON HAVE FORGOTTEN HIM.
SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM WAS ON FOX NEWS LAST NIGHT, BUTTERING
HIS BIG BANKRUPT BABY UP, AND WARNING MEMBERS OF HIS PARTY NOT
TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON HIM. >> THIS HAS BEEN A CONSEQUENTIAL
PRESIDENCY. THREE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES.
I HOPE PRESIDENT TRUMP UNDERSTANDS THAT HIS LEGACY AND
HIS BEST FUTURE LIES WITH THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
I HOPE PEOPLE IN OUR PARTY UNDERSTAND THE PARTY ITSELF.
IF YOU'RE WANTING TO ERASE DONALD TRUMP FROM THE PARTY,
YOU'RE GOING TO GET ERASED. >> Jimmy: OR JUST CROSSED OUT IN
BLACK SHARPIE. I WISH TRUMP WOULD JUST TELL US
WHAT HE HAS ON LINDSEY GRAHAM AND SET THE MAN FREE.
YOU ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR THESE GUYS.
POOR SEAN HANNITY. HE HAS A SHOW TO DO EVERY NIGHT.
HE USED TO GET CALLS FROM THE PRESIDENT.
YEAH, THEY WERE LONG, RAMBLING CALL
CALLS, BUT THEY WERE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
NOW HE'S STUCK WITH THIS. >> TOMORROW ON THIS PROGRAM
WE'LL HAVE THE DELAWARE LAPTOP REPAIRMAN.
HE AND HIS HARD DRIVE. >> Jimmy: OH, BOY.
THIS IS THE DELAWARE LAPTOP REPAIRMAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HE
GIVES TOURS OF LOCK NECESSARILY. MONSTER SIGHTING GUARANTEED.
HE'S THE LAPTOP REPAIRMAN. AT THE CENTER OF ALL THIS.
YOU KNOW THE GENIUS BAR? HE WORKS AT THE OPPOSITE OF
THAT. THIS HAS BEEN A TOUGH WEEK FOR
THE Q-ANON CROWD. THE PROPHECIES THEY'VE BUILT
MUCH OF THEIR LIVES AROUND DID NOT COME TO FRUITION.
THESE GUYS WOKE UP YESTERDAY, THINKING THEY WERE ABOUT TO
WATCH TRUMP ROUND UP AND ARREST ALL THE ELITES, THE PEDOPHILES.
AND BY 6:00, TOM HANKS WAS INTRODUCING BILL CLINTON TO
CONGRATULATE JOE BIDEN ON BEING PRESIDENT.
WHAT Q-ANON MEMBERS EXPERIENCED YESTERDAY WAS THE EQUIVALENT OF
LEAVING OUT COOKIES FOR SANTA, AND IN THE MORNING, FINDING THEM
UNTOUCHED. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREAT
AWAKENING? DID Q FORGET TO SET HIS ALARM
CLOCK? THESE ARE POSTS FROM THE Q
MESSAGE BOARDS FROM YESTERDAY. THE DAY STARTED OUT WITH A
HOPEFUL, EXCITED TONE. TODAY'S THE DAY.
HOLY S, I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE
UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS. I'VE GOT THE POPCORN READY, I'M
SO EXCITED. THE STORM IS HERE.
THEY CANNOT STOP WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY.
THEY KNEW ALL THE DETAILS OF THE BIG PLAN.
THIS ONE HAD EVERYTHING. THE INAUGURATION WILL GO AHEAD
AS PLANNED ON WEDNESDAY. THE INDICTMENT WILL BE UNSEALED
WEDNESDAY MORNING AND ARREST WARRANTS WILL BE ISSUED.
ONCE EVERYBODY IS IN PLACE, THE NATIONAL GUARD WILL BE USED TO
SECURE THE PERIMETER OF THE CAPITOL GROUNDS.
NOBODY OUT, NOBODY IN. MARINES WILL BE GUARDING THE
TUNNELS. AS BIDEN COMES OUT, THE SECRET
SERVICE WILL DETAIN AND ISSUE THE ARREST WARRANTS ON
APPROXIMATELY 50 TO 100 MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE, BIDEN, PELOSI,
SCHUMER, OBAMA, CLINTON, THEY'LL ALL BE TRANSPORTED TO AN
UNDERGROUND MILITARY BASE BY MARINES WHERE THEY WILL BE TRIED
FOR THEIR CRIMES BY MILITARY TRIBUNAL.
ALL TELEVISIONS WILL AUTOMATICALLY TUNE INTO THIS
TRIAL, NO MATTER WHAT STATION YOU SET IT TO.
ENJOY THE SHOW. BUT THEN THERE WAS NO SHOW, JOE
BIDEN GOT SWORN IN, THERE WERE NO ARRESTS.
NO MARINES, NO MILITARY TRIBUNAL.
OUR TVs DIDN'T AUTOMATICALLY CHANGE CHANNELS.
WHICH IS PROBABLY THE LEAST REALISTIC THING ON THE LIST.
EVERYONE JUST SAT THERE WATCHING J. LO.
AND THAT WAS CONFUSING. LOOK AT THIS.
WHERE IS THE ARRESTS? OH MY GOD.
I'M FREAKING OUT. HEART BEATING SO FAST.
HYPERVENTILATING. I LOST MY ENTIRE LIFE SAVING
BETTING ON TRUMP TO WIN. I TRUSTED TRUMP THAT THE TRUTH
WOULD COME OUT AND I'D GET MY MONEY BACK.
Q, WHERE IS THE ARRESTS? THIS IS AN EMBARRASSMENT.
WELL, I'M THE OFFICIAL LAUGHINGSTOCK OF MY FAMILY NOW,
AWESOME. OMG, NONE OF THIS WAS REAL.
BUT THEN THERE WAS A GLIMMER OF HOPE.
HOLD THE LINE, MILITARY'S THE ONLY WAY.
I'M STILL 100% CONFIDENT PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL BE SERVING
FOUR MORE YEARS. PRAY.
AND THEN REALITY HIT. Q WAS A LARP THE ENTIRE F'ing
TIME. LARP IS A LIVE ACTION ROLE
PLAYING GAME, I HAD TO LOOK THAT UP.
EVERYONE GOT STRUNG ALONG AND TRICKED.
AND FINALLY, WE GOT CONNED. YES, YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID.
YOU GOT DONNED. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
BUT INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING IT, MANY OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE
DOUBLING DOWN WITH MORE BANANA-HEADED IDEAS.
THIS APPARENTLY IS HOW IT WORKS. WITH CONSPIRACY FANS.
THEY JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE.
WHEN THE FIRST ONE DOESN'T COME TRUE.
ONE NEW THEORY WAS THAT THE BLACK-AND-GRAY COAT MELANIA WORE
DURING HER FINAL ADDRESS RESEMBLED THE TV STATIC THAT
WOULD SIGNAL THE MEDIA BLACKOUT OF TRUMP'S MILITARY TAKEOVER.
WHICH IF YOU BELIEVE MELANIA IS THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING OTHER
THAN GETTING SOME ALONE TIME WITH HER TENNIS PRO, YOU REALLY
ARE CRAZY. BY THE WAY, THE POOR FACT
CHECKERS AT "THE WASHINGTON POST," THEY'VE BEEN TRACKING ALL
OF DONALD TRUMP'S FALSE OR MISLEADING STATEMENTS SINCE HE
TOOK OFFICE. AND YESTERDAY THEY POSTED THEIR
FINAL TALLY. 30,573 LIES.
THAT IS A RECORD THAT WILL NEVER BE BROKEN.
IF THOSE LIES WERE POINTS, DONALD TRUMP WOULD BE THE NBA'S
EIGHTH ALL-TIME LEADING SCORER, AHEAD OF SHAQ, JUST BEHIND WILT
CHAMBERLAIN. BUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIM
AND THEM IS HE DID IT IN FOUR YEARS.
HE AVERAGED 21 LIES A DAY. AND THOSE ARE JUST THE LIES HE
TOLD IN PUBLIC. IF YOU ADD IN THE ONES HE TOLD
MELANIA, AND SCREAMED AT THE TV, IT'D PROBABLY BE A MILLION.
HE IS THE GREATEST LIAR OF ALL TIME.
HE IS B.S. ELLIOT. HE IS LIES-A-MINELLI.
HOAX HOGAN. FIBERACE.
DUPE A LIPA! THAT'S THE THING I WILL MISS
ABOUT TRUMP. DOING WHAT HE DOES, COMING UP
WITH INSULTING NICKNAMES. OVER THE PAST FOUR YEARS, WE'VE
COME UP WITH A LOT OF THEM. BUT THE TIME'S PASSED NOW.
SO TO REMEMBER ALL THAT DELICIOUS LOW HANGING FRUIT, TO
CEMENT THEM IN OUR MINDS, WE COMBED THROUGH MORE THAN 4,000
PAGES OF OUR MONOLOGUES AND WHITTLED THEM DOWN TO THE BEST
AND ASKED A GRAMMY-NOMINATED MUSICIAN TO BRING THEM TO LIFE
IN SONG. AND NOW, IT'S TIME TO TAKE A
TRIP DOWN MEMORY NAME. WITH A 41-PUN-MUSICAL SALUTE TO
THE MANY NICKNAMES OF DONALD TRUMP.
THE GREAT RUFUS WAINWRIGHT. ♪ LET'S RAISE A GLASS MY FRIEND
AMERICA IS GREAT AGAIN ♪ ♪ TO CELEBRATE THE LAST FOUR
YEARS THE LAUGHS WE'VE HAD AND MANY TEARS ♪
♪ WE SEND OFF NUMBER 45 WITH NAMES HE WAS CALLED ON "JIMMY
KIMMEL LIVE" ♪ ♪ TRUMP-A-LOOPA
♪ PUMPKIN PORN HUMPER ♪ UNHAPPY GILMORE
♪ COMMANDER IN BEEF ♪ ELCRAPPY TAN
♪ GRAB-ASS GRANDPA ♪ ORANGE HULK
♪ ABRASCAM LINCOLN ♪ FLABIO
♪ TWITTER MACHINE ♪ HYDROXY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
♪ ORANGE JULIUS CESAR ♪ SPREADDY KRUGER
♪ GENGHIS KHAN ♪ PUTIN'S PEEPEE PAL
LIGHTNING ROUND! ♪ TWEETY GONZALES
♪ DANNY SOPRANO ♪ KENTUCKY FIVE
♪ DONNIE VADER ♪ PAPA GRANDPA
♪ THE LOCK HER UP NESS MONSTER ♪ ♪ HUNGRY HUNGRY HYPOCRITE
♪ THANK GOD WE'RE FINALLY DONE ♪ WITH THIS [ BLEEP ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU, RUFUS. RUFUS WAINWRIGHT.
WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
DANA BASH IS WITH US FROM CNN. MUSIC FROM BEST COAST, AND BE
RIGHT BACK WITH ALLISON JANNEY! ♪
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK. TONIGHT, CNN'S CHIEF POLITICAL
CORRESPONDENT, DANA BASH IS WITH US.
THEN, LATER THEIR ALBUM IS CALLED "ALWAYS TOMORROW."
THEY'RE FROM RIGHT HERE IN LOS ANGELES, MUSIC FROM BEST COAST.
NEXT WEEK, WE'VE GOT NEW SHOWS AND I HAVE A LIST OF WHO'S ON
THEM. MICHELLE PFEIFFER, 98 COMEY
WATTS, ADDITION SHEPARD, ANTHONY ANDERSON, GEORGE LOPEZ, MY
COUSIN SAL WILL BE OUR GUEST. HE HAS A NEW BOOK CALLED "YOU
CAN'T LOSE THEM ALL," AND WE WILL HAVE ALL OUR FAMILY
SECRETS. MUSIC FROM DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE.
LESLIE ODOM JR, ARLO PARKS, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT THEY FOUND
ME. PLEASE JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR ALL
THAT. OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT HAS AN
OSCAR, A GOLDEN GLOBE, SEVEN EMMYS, WHO KNOWS, PROBABLY A
SPELLING BEE MEDAL TOO. HER NEW MOVIE, "BREAKING NEWS IN
YUBA COUNTY" OPENS IN SELECT THEATRES AND DIGITALLY FEBRUARY
12th. PLEASE SAY HELLO AT YOUR HOME TO
ALLISON JANNEY. HOW ALISON, HOW ARE YOU?
>> HEY, JIMMY, I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.
THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS BUT I FEEL BETTER THAN
I'VE FELT IN FOUR YEARS AND ONE DAY.
>> Jimmy: WHAT A COINCIDENCE, HUH?
NOW I WAS TOLD YOU WERE GOING TO BE AT WORK, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE
EITHER YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST TRAILER IN SHOW BUSINESS
HISTORY, OR YOU'RE AT HOME. >> I ACTUALLY GOT OUT EARLY, SO
I GOT TO COME HOME, WHICH I'M SO HAPPY.
IT'S MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE, MUCH BETTER SETTING THAN MY ROOM AT
WORK. THIS IS BETTER, TRUST ME.
>> Jimmy: YOU ARE SHOOTING "MOM," YOUR SITCOM, EIGHTH
SEASON OF THE SHOW. >> CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
>> Jimmy: I ASSUME THERE'S NO AUDIENCE, THERE ARE NO PEOPLE
THERE TO WATCH LIKE THERE USUALLY ARE?
>> NO, WE STARTED BACK IN OCTOBER.
WE'VE BEEN REALLY LUCKY THAT WE'VE KEPT BEING ABLE TO DO THE
SHOWS, BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT OF COVID PROTOCOLS AND SHIELDS AND
MASKS. YOU KNOW, I GET TESTED LIKE -- I
GET TESTED ALMOST SEVEN TO EIGHT TIMES A WEEK, DEPENDING ON
WHETHER OR NOT I'M GOING TO BE DOING KISSING SCENES.
>> Jimmy: REALLY? WOW.
>> YEAH. YEAH.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S INTERESTING. >> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: GUILLERMO AND I DO THAT TOO, SOMETIMES WE'LL GET UP
TO A DOZEN JUST SO WE CAN KISS DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS.
OKAY, SO YOU'RE STILL DOING KISSING SCENES, THAT'S BOLD.
>> YEAH. >> Jimmy: IN A LOT OF
PRODUCTIONS, I KNOW PEOPLE HAVE SAID, WELL, IF THERE ARE GOING
TO BE KISSING SCENES YOU HAVE TO PUT MY HUSBAND IN THIS, PUT MY
WIFE IN IT, I'M NOT GOING TO KISS A STRANGER.
I WONDER HOW LONG IT WILL BE BEFORE WE GO BACK TO NORMAL
WHERE WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE TESTS BEFORE A KISSING SCENE.
>> I CANNOT PREDICT THAT, BUT I WILL SAY I HAD A FUNNY -- EVEN
BEFORE COVID, I HAD A SCENE PARTNER WHO I HAD TO KISS WITH.
HE WAS SUCH A GERMOPHOBE, HE WOULD PUTNEY NEOSPORIN ON HIS L
AND ASK ME TO PUT IT ON MINE BEFORE KISSING.
>> Jimmy: WHAT? THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING.
>> I TOOK IT VERY PERSONALLY. WHAT DOES HE THINK I PUT IN MY
MOUTH? I DON'T KNOW.
IT KIND OF UNNERVED ME. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE
GERMOPHOBES. >> Jimmy: BY ANY CHANCE WAS THIS
HOWIE MANDEL? >> YOU MIGHT THINK SO, BUT NO,
IT WAS NOT HOWIE MANDEL. I WILL NOT SAY WHO IT WAS.
>> Jimmy: WHAT TESTS DO YOU GET? >> I GET -- I CALL IT THE
MID-NOSE SWIRL. NOT THE BRAIN TICKLE, BUT THE
MID-NOSE SWIRL. AND EVERYONE LAUGHS AT ME BUT I
REALLY LOVE THE WAY IT FEELS. >> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> YEAH, I'M LIKE, CAN YOU KEEP DOING THAT A LITTLE HONKER?
IT'S LIKE A PUPPY GETTING SCRATCHED OR SOMETHING.
KEEP DOING THAT IT FEELS SO GOOD.
IT RELAXES ME, I DON'T KNOW. >> Jimmy: I THINK YOUR DOG HEARD
"PUPPY GETTING SCRATCHED" AND WANDERED INTO THE ROOM.
ARE YOU LIKE THAT WITH YOUR EARS?
ARE YOU A Q-TIP ABUSER? >> I AM.
THERE WAS AN EAR DOCTOR, WHAT'S AN EAR DOCTOR?
>> Jimmy: ENT, EAR, NOSE AND
THROAT. >> HE SAID, DON'T PUT ANYTHING
IN YOUR EAR SMALLER THAN AN ELBOW.
I DID NOT LISTEN TO HIM. I LOVE THE Q-TIP IN THE EAR, OH,
YEAH. >> LOVE IT TOO.
I LOVE IT. MY ENT SAID THE OPPOSITE.
HE SAID, YOU'RE GOING TO PUT MY KIDS THROUGH COLLEGE WITH THIS,
SO KEEP GOING WITH THE Q-TIPS IN YOUR EAR.
>> YOU'VE NEVER BURST YOUR EARDRUM?
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I HAVE. I'VE PERFORATED MY EARDRUM A
NUMBER OF TIMES. I'LL GET EAR INFECTIONS OUT OF
IT, THE WHOLE THING. BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH, IT'S
WORTH IT. >> DOES IT HURT?
DOES IT HURT WHEN YOU BURST YOUR EARDRUMS?
DOES IT BLEED? WHAT DOES IT DO?
>> Jimmy: IT LEAKS. I DIDN'T LIKE TOTALLY -- IT'S
NOT LIKE I WENT IN ONE EAR AND CAME OUT THE OTHER WITH THE
Q-TIP. BUT I GET A LITTLE ROUGH IN
THERE, I UNDERSTAND THAT. YOU KNOW, I KNOW THAT THIS IS AN
INTERESTING THING FOR YOU, ESPECIALLY WITH THE FOCUS ON
POLITICS. I WONDER IF THERE'S SOME
CONNECTION HERE. BUT "THE WEST WING" NOW, BECAUSE
THE SHOW WAS STREAMING, HAD A BIG RESURGENCE IN POPULARITY,
RIGHT? A WHOLE NEW AUDIENCE.
>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. >> Jimmy: IS THAT STRANGE TO BE
ASKED ABOUT SOMETHING YOU SHOT SO LONG AGO, 15 YEARS AGO OR
SOMETHING? >> I LOVE IT.
NOT AT ALL, I LOVE IT. I STAY IN TOUCH WITH ALL OF
THEM. WE'RE ON AN NENORMOUS TEXT STRIG
CHAIN. >> Jimmy: WITH YOUR CAST
MEMBERS? >> OH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: OH. >> IT'S SO MUCH FUN.
WE TEXT ABOUT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
AND THERE'S A LOT OF ABUSE GIVEN ON THOSE TEXT CHAINS.
>> Jimmy: OH, WHO IS THE RECIPIENT OF THE ABUSE GIVEN?
>> OH -- ACTUALLY, JOSH MOLINA IS.
AND I -- >> Jimmy: I WOULD HAVE GUESSED
THAT, I HAVE A FEELING HE'S GETTING ALL THE ABUSE ON THE
"SCANDAL" TEXT CHAIN ALSO. >> HE IS, I STEP BACK AND WATCH,
I CAN'T PLAY WITH THE BIG BOYS ON THAT THING.
THEY'LL CRUSH ME, THEY'LL MAKE ME CRY.
THIS IS WHAT DUE LAY POSTED. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN SEE
THIS. OF JOSH.
>> Jimmy: I -- THAT'S JOSH? >> THAT'S JOSH.
WELL, YOU KNOW. TAKEN A MILLION YEARS AGO.
BUT THEN BRAD WILL SAY, HAVEN'T WE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH THIS
YEAR? YOU KNOW, JUST -- BACK AND
FORTH, CRAZY TEXTS. >> Jimmy: WOW.
I AM GOING TO HAVE TO GOOGLE THAT PICTURE OF JOSH AFTER MY
WIFE GOES TO BED. WOW.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT. HOW DID I NEVER GET HOLD OF THAT
PICTURE OF JOSH? WILL YOU SEND THAT TO ME,
PLEASE? >> I TOTALLY WILL SEND IT TO
YOU. >> Jimmy: WOW.
THAT'S CRAZY. >> NO IDEA -- I DIDN'T KNOW HE
WAS A SWIMSUIT MODEL AT SOME POINT IN HIS CAREER.
>> Jimmy: I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT.
LET'S TAKE A BREAK. WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THE NEW MOVIE "BREAKING NEWS IN YUBA COUNTY."
ALLISON JANNEY IS WITH US, BE RIGHT BACK.
>>> CAN YOU THINK OF ANYONE THAT MIGHT WANT TO HARM YOUR HUSBAND?
>> OH MY GOODNESS, NO. I MEAN -- I -- I DON'T THINK SO.
KARL WAS SUCH A SWEET MAN. WHY WOULD ANYONE TAKE HIM --
THIS IS A PHOTO OF ME AND KARL IN CASE YOU NEED IT FOR ALL THE
PRESS CONFERENCES AND WHATNOT. >> Jimmy: ALLISON JANNEY IS WITH
US, "BREAKING NEWS IN YUBA COUNTY" IS HER MOVIE.
WHERE IS YUBA COUNTY? NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, RIGHT?
>> IT IS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, ALTHOUGH THE WRITER, AMANDA
ADOKO, I THINK SHE WANTED TO PICK EVERYTOWN, USA.
IT'S NOT SPECIFICALLY UNIQUE TO YUBA COUNTY.
JUST SMALLTOWN, USA. >> Jimmy: DID YOU SHOOT IN YUBA?
I'VE SEEN YUBA CITY. >> YOU HAVE?
YUBA CITY? >> Jimmy: EX, I THINK I'VE SEEN
IT ON A FREEWAY OR SOMETHING. MAYBE NOT.
THERE MUST BE A YUBA CITY IN YUBA COUNTY, RIGHT?
>> SURE. >> Jimmy: WE'RE IN L.A. COUNTY.
YOU BETTER BRUSH UP ON THIS STUFF.
YOU'RE A MAJOR FIGURE IN YUBA COUNTY NOW.
EVERYONE WHO LIVES THERE IS GOING TO SEE THIS MOVIE SEVEN
TIMES. THEY'LL GO, HEY!
YOU KNOW, IT'S THIS AND THAT AND WHATEVER!
YOU MIGHT WANT TO LEARN BEFORE YOU BECOME THEIR QUEEN.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT, I NEED TO BRUSH UP ON YUBA COUNTY STATS.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT OTHER THAN ANY THAT I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT. WE DIDN'T SHOOT IT IN YUBA
COUNTY, WE SHOT IT IN MISSISSIPPI.
BECAUSE TATE TAYLOR, WHO IS THE DIRECTOR, HAS HIS -- HE'S GOT A
WHOLE FILM PRODUCTION COMPANY DOWN THERE WITH STAGES AND
EVERYTHING. AND HE DOESN'T JUST SHOOT A
MOVIE, HE THROWS A PARTY. IT'S LIKE ACTOR FILM CAMP.
JUST -- IT'S THE MOST FUN EXPERIENCE, FROM SHOOTING THE
MOVIE TO AFTERWARDS. EVERYONE SORT OF LIVES TOGETHER
IN THESE HOUSES, THIS COMPOUND HE HAS DOWN THERE.
>> Jimmy: WOW. >> YOU KNOW, YOU BREAK BREAD
TOGETHER, YOU WORK TOGETHER, DANCE, WORK HARD, PLAY HARD.
IT'S AN INCREDIBLE -- IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE.
THEN ALSO, GETTING ALL OF THOSE CAST MEMBERS -- I FELT LIKE I
WAS THROWING A PARTY, AND I WAS SO HONORED THAT EVERYBODY I
INVITED WANTED TO COME AND PLAY. I FELT -- IT WAS -- IT WAS
EXTRAORDINARY WORKING WITH -- >> Jimmy: LET ME NAME SOME OF
THE FOLKS. MILA KUNIS, JULIETTE LEWIS,
BRIDGET EVERETT, AWKWAFINA, WANDA SYKES.
YEAH, THAT SEEMS LIKE A FUN GROUP.
>> A PRETTY GREAT GROUP. I DIDN'T GET TO DO ANY SCENES
WITH WANDA, BUT I GOT TO DANCE IN THE KITCHEN WITH HER ONE
NIGHT. IT WAS JUST -- IT WAS SO MUCH
FUN. >> Jimmy: WANDA IS THE FUNNIEST.
WANDA IS HILARIOUS. >> SHE REALLY IS.
I JUST -- I HAVE SUCH A CRUSH ON HER, I LOVE HER.
WE HAD A GREAT TIME. IT'S SUCH A GREAT -- IT'S A
FUN -- KIND OF LIKE -- I PLAY THIS CHARACTER WHO'S KIND OF THE
INVISIBLE WOMAN, WHO'S NOT SEEN OR HEARD OR APPRECIATED ENOUGH
IN HER LIFE. AND SHE MAKES A DECISION THAT
OPENS KIND OF A PANDORA'S BOX OF CHAOS.
I CALL IT -- SORT OF A BUTTERFLY EFFECT, WHERE SHE MAKES ONE
CHOICE AND IT AFFECTS SO MANY PEOPLE'S LIVES.
AND I THINK IT'S KIND OF LIKE A CRIME COMEDY OR -- A CROMEDY?
>> Jimmy: THAT'S GOOD. YOU MAY HAVE JUST COME UP WITH A
NEW TERM. >> I THINK I DID.
CROMEDY. >> Jimmy: CRIMEDY.
WE'VE GOT A GAME WE WANT TO PLAY, A SHORT VERSION OF IT.
>> OKAY. >> Jimmy: YOU'VE BEEN IN MANY
FILMS. SOME WE ALL REMEMBER, OTHERS WE
AND POSSIBLY MAYBE EVEN YOU DO NOT REMEMBER, ALL RIGHT?
I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A ONE-LINE DESCRIPTION OF A TV SHOW OR
MOVIE. YOU TELL ME IF YOU WERE IN IT OR
NOT. >> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: BONUS POINTS IF YOU TELL ME THE NAME OF THE
CHARACTER YOU PLAYED. ARE YOU READY?
>> NO. >> Jimmy: LET'S PLAY "WAS I IN
IT?" ALL RIGHT.
A COUPLE DEALS WITH THEIR PROBLEMATIC DAUGHTER'S COCAINE
ADDICTION. WERE YOU IN IT?
THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL YOU GET. >> WHAT WAS THAT?
ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> NO, I WASN'T IN THAT. >> Jimmy: LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
THE CLIP. >> WHERE WAS HE GETTING COCAINE?
>> MY GOD. >> HOW MUCH WAS HE USING?
WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME? >> Jimmy: HOW TALL IS THAT MAN
NEXT TO YOU? 11 FEET TALL?
>> I WAS SITTING DOWN. OH MY GOD.
OH MY GOD, THAT WAS JOANNE WOODWARD.
HYSTERICAL. OKAY.
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS CALLED "BLIND SPOT."
OKAY? ALL RIGHT?
>> I REMEMBER. >> Jimmy: A YOUNG MOTHER FIGHTS
TO LOSE CUSTODY OF HER SON WHEN HE IS BORN A GINGER.
WERE YOU IN IT? >> NO WAY.
NO. >> Jimmy: THAT ONE IS CALLED
"CAUGHT RED-HEADED." NO, WE MADE THAT ONE UP.
>> CAUGHT RED-HEADED. >> Jimmy: I'LL GIVE YOU ONE
MORE. AN EARTHLING IS KIDNAPPED BY AN
ALIEN MOM NAMED COOKIE, THEY GET MARRIED AND START A FAMILY.
WERE YOU IN IT? >> I SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN IT.
>> Jimmy: YOU WERE NOT? >> I AUDITIONED FOR IT.
I DON'T THINK I GOT IT. >> Jimmy: WELL -- YOU'RE
INCORRECT. YOU ACTUALLY DID GET IT.
IT'S CALLED "ALIENS IN THE FAMILY."
>> WHAT? >> Jimmy: THAT JUST MEANS YOU'RE
VERY SUCCESSFUL. AND FORGETFUL.
>> I HAVE ALZHEIMER'S. THIS IS AN ALZHEIMER'S TEST,
THAT'S WHAT IT IS. >> Jimmy: YEARS FROM NOW WE'LL
SEE IF ALLISON JANNEY REMEMBERS SHE WAS IN "BREAKING NEWS IN
YUBA COUNTY." IT'S IN THEATERS FEBRUARY 12th.
THANKS, ALLISON. BE RIGHT BACK WITH DANA BASH.
♪ >> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK.
MUSIC FROM BEST COAST IS ON THE WAY.
IF YOU WATCH CNN, YOU KNOW TAPPER, AND COOPER, AND DANA,
AND BLITZER. OUR NEXT GUEST IS ONE OF THEM.
SHE JUST COVERED THE INAUGURATION OF THE NEW
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. STARTING THIS SUNDAY SHE IS
BIMONTHLY ANCHOR OF "STATE OF THE UNION" WITH JAKE.
HERE TO TELL US EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS, PLEASE WELCOME DANA BASH.
HI, DANA, HOW ARE YOU? >> HI, JIMMY, THANKS FOR HAVING
ME. >> Jimmy: THANKS FOR BEING --
IT'S CONFUSING BECAUSE I'M LOOKING AT YOU ON A MONITOR AND
I FEEL LIKE I'M JUST WATCHING TELEVISION.
>> IT'S WEIRD FOR ME TOO. >> Jimmy: IS THAT YOUR
APARTMENT? >> NO, THIS IS CNN.
I'M STILL HERE. >> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> I DON'T THINK I'M EVER GOING TO LEAVE.
>> Jimmy: HOW MANY HOURS DID YOU WORK YESTERDAY?
>> LET'S SEE. THE ALARM WENT OFF AT 4:00.
AND THEN WE WERE ON THE AIR FROM 7:00 A.M. UNTIL MIDNIGHT.
A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK IN BETWEEN, THOUGH.
BUT IT WAS A LONG DAY. >> Jimmy: WOW.
WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE BREAK? DO YOU GO TO SLEEP?
>> SO I TRIED. WE HAD ABOUT A TWO-HOUR BREAK.
AND I WAS SO TIRED BY THE TIME WE GOT TO THE BREAK.
AND I GOT INTO BED. AND THE STREETS WERE REALLY
EMPTY HERE IN D.C. AND SO I THOUGHT, OKAY, IT'S
GOING TO BE QUIET. FOR SOME REASON, A BAND FOUND
ITS WAY LIKE RIGHT UNDER MY HOTEL ROOM.
>> Jim >> Jimmy: GREAT.
>> IT WAS SO LOUD, AND I COULDN'T SLEEP.
I WAS WIRED ANYWAY. >> Jimmy: WAS IT THREE DOORS
DOWN, BY ANY CHANCE? >> I WISH.
>> Jimmy: YOU GUYS HAD A BIG DAY YESTERDAY.
A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHED. IN FACT, WE LEARNED THAT MORE
PEOPLE WATCHED THIS INAUGURATION THAN WATCHED DONALD TRUMP'S
INAUGURATION, WHICH I'M SURE DOESN'T BOTHER HIM AT ALL.
>> NO, NOT AT ALL. >> Jimmy: YOU SAID SOMETHING ON
THE AIR. WHAT DID YOU SAY THAT I THINK
SOME PEOPLE GOT UPSET ABOUT? YOU SAID, HE IS A SMALL MAN.
RIGHT? DONALD TRUMP?
>> YEAH. BUT YOU KNOW, IT WAS AT THIS
MOMENT WHERE WE WERE WATCHING THE MONITOR, WE WERE WATCHING
THE OVERHEAD SHOT OF HIM WALKING ACROSS THE LAWN TOWARDS THE
HELICOPTER FOR THE VERY LAST TIME.
AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT, AND I WAS THINKING, WOW, HE LOOKS SO
SMALL, LITERALLY. THEN I REALIZED THAT THAT IS
TRUE IN SO MANY WAYS, AND IT JUST CAME TUMBLING OUT OF MY
MOUTH AS PART OF THE DISCUSSION BILLION FACT THAT HE WAS DOING
THAT AND HE WASN'T GOING TO THE INAUGURATION OF HIS SUCCESSOR.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T THINK I WOULD LAST TWO SHOWS, DOING SOMETHING
LIVE LIKE THAT, WITHOUT SAYING SOMETHING THAT IN4 YATED
EVERYBODY. IT MUST BE HARD.
EVEN THE LIGHT MOMENTS. YOU SEE BERNIE SANDERS SITTING
THERE, LOOKS LIKE HIS MOM PUT HIS COAT ON HIM, HIS MITTENS,
AND HE'S CARRYING A MANILA ENVELOPE FOR REASONS UNKNOWN.
AND IT MUST BE -- DO YOU HAVE TO BITE YOUR TONGUE, EVER?
>> YES. BUT SOMETIMES YOU NEED LEVITY,
OR MAYBE ESPECIALLY IN THESE TIMES WHEN EVERYTHING IS SO
INTENSE. IT'S NOT SO BAD, ESPECIALLY WHEN
YOU'RE ON TV FOR A MILLION HOURS LIKE WE WERE ON INAUGURATION DAY
YESTERDAY, TO DO SOMETHING FUNNY.
BY THE WAY, YOU MENTIONED BERNIE SANDERS AND HIS ENVELOPE.
I DID SOME REPORTING. I FOUND OUT WHAT WAS IN THAT
ENVELOPE, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW. >> Jimmy: OH, WHAT WAS IN IT?
>> IT'S ACTUALLY NOT THAT EXCITING.
>> Jimmy: OH. >> TICKETS.
HIS INAUGURATION TICKETS. IT WAS THAT HUGE ENVELOPE, BUT
IT WAS HIS LITTLE TICKETS, BUT HE HELD ON TO THE ENVELOPE WITH
HIS MITTENS. >> Jimmy: ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL.
I MEAN, REALLY. YEAH, I GUESS IT MAKES SENSE.
JUST PRACTICALLY. THAT IT WOULD BE HARD TO GET AT
YOUR TICKETS WHEN YOU HAVE MITTENS AND A BIG COAT ON.
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, WHY IS BERNIE THE ONLY ONE WITH AN
ENVELOPE? AND YOU KNOW HE REUSED THAT
ENVELOPE, TOO. HE DIDN'T THROW THAT ENVELOPE
OUT. THAT ENVELOPE IS BACK AT HIS
HOUSE RIGHT NOW. IT'S LIKE, HE'S PUTTING BILLS IN
THERE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YOU HAD BERNIE ON AS YOUR FIRST
GUEST AS OFFICIAL ANCHOR OF YOUR SUNDAY MORNING SHOW ON SUNDAY,
CORRECT? >> YES.
HE IS GOING TO BE ON. HE'S OBVIOUSLY -- THAT MOMENT --
MAYBE NOT JUST THE WALKING DOWN IN THE MITTENS BUT HIM SITTING
THERE, WE'VE ALL SEEN THE MEMES, INTERNET SENSATION.
HE'S ALSO GOING TO BE THE CHAIRMAN OF THE SENATE BUDGET
COMMITTEE. AND HE'S GOING TO HAVE A REALLY
IMPORTANT ROLE IN THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION.
BECAUSE SO MUCH OF WHAT PRESIDENT BIDEN WANTS TO DO IS
GOING TO GO THROUGH THAT COMMITTEE.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT, AND WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE OTHER GUESTS AS WELL. >> Jimmy: IS THE INAUGURATION
FUN IN WASHINGTON? IS THAT USUALLY A BIG, FUN EVENT
THAT THIS YEAR FELT -- LIKE YOU FELT IT WAS DISAPPOINTING IN
SOME WAY? >> YEAH.
IT REALLY IS. I MEAN, I'VE COVERED A LOT OF
INAUGURATIONS. AND, YOU KNOW, AS A REPORTER,
YOU GO TO THE EVENT, YOU GO TO THE CAPITOL.
I DIDN'T DO THAT THIS YEAR. THERE WAS LIMITED SPACE.
NOT JUST BECAUSE OF SECURITY, BUT OF COURSE BECAUSE OF COVID.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT. >> AND THEN YOU GO TO THE
PARADE. THERE REALLY WAS NOT MUCH OF
ONE. A LITTLE ONE.
MOST OF IT WAS VIRTUAL. THEN YOU GO AND YOU COVER THE
BALLS. THERE WERE NO BALLS.
WE GOT TO SEE SOME AWESOME FIREWORKS.
WE WERE IN A GREAT POSITION TO SEE THOSE FIREWORKS LAST NIGHT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
>> Jimmy: THAT WAS AMAZING. I WAS WATCHING WITH MY WIFE AND
I FELT LIKE -- I WAS LIKE, THESE ARE SPECTACULAR FIREWORKS.
IT'S AS IF THEY SAID, WE'RE NOT SPENDING ANY MONEY ON ANYTHING
ELSE, LET'S JUST BLOW IT ALL UP IN THE SKY.
YEAH, THAT WAS PRETTY GREAT. >> WE WERE RIGHT BEHIND THE
WHITE HOUSE. SO WE WERE FACING THE FIREWORKS,
AND IT WAS ALMOST AS IF THEY WERE DOING IT FOR US.
IT WAS -- IT WAS SUCH A SHOW. I'VE SEEN A LOT OF FIREWORKS
HERE IN WASHINGTON, NOTHING LIKE THAT.
BUT ABOUT THE INAUGURATION, IT WAS VERY DIFFERENT.
BUT BECAUSE OF THE TENSION OVER THE LAST TWO WEEKS, THE TWO
WEDNESDAYS BEFORE, OF COURSE, THE INSURRECTION.
THE WEDNESDAY AFTER THAT, THE IMPEACHMENT.
EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T AS EBULLIENT AND PEOPLE HOLDING
FLAGS IN THE STREETS, THERE WAS SOMETHING THAT STILL WAS REALLY
NICE ABOUT THE FACT THAT THEY STILL GOT IT TOGETHER AND THEY
WERE STILL ABLE THROUGH ALL THESE OBSTACLES TO DO THE
CEREMONY THAT WE'RE SO USED TO SEEING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, AND IT WAS -- IT WAS ACTUALLY VERY ENTERTAINING
AND VERY WELL DONE. THE WHOLE THING WAS SO WELL PUT
TOGETHER, OFTEN NOT THE CASE. WHAT'S THE FIRST INAUGURATION
YOU WERE AT? >> WELL, THE FIRST INAUGURATION
THAT I WENT TO WAS UNOFFICIAL. BY UNOFFICIAL, I BROKE IN,
MAYBE. WAS IN -- I WAS IN COLLEGE HERE
IN WASHINGTON. AND I HAD BEEN INTERNING FOR A
LOCAL STATION. SO -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW.
IN NORMAL TIMES WHEN YOU GO TO WORK, YOU HAVE AN I.D., RIGHT?
THIS WAS NOT AN I.D., IT WAS A LANYARD THAT SAID THE NAME OF
THE STATION. I HAD TWO OF THEM, SO I GAVE IT
TO MY BEST FRIEND, KAREN MALKIN, WE SAID LET'S TRY TO GET IN.
THINKING, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS ARE WE GOING TO GET IN.
BUT IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, PRE
PRE-9/11, BILL CLINTON'S FIRST INAUGURATION.
WE TOOK THE METRO, WALKED UP THE HILL, INDEPENDENCE AVENUE.
WE KEPT SAYING, WALK WITH A PURPOSE, PRETEND LIKE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE DOING. AND IT WORKED.
THEY MADE SURE THAT WE WERE OKAY, THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE
ANYTHING DANGEROUS ON US. BUT WE GOT RIGHT IN.
WE SAW THE NAMES OF PEOPLE'S SEATS.
WE COULDN'T BELIEVE WHERE WE WERE.
WE SNUCK INTO THE PLACE WHERE THE CAMERAS WERE GOING TO BE.
WE SAW BEHIND US, IT WAS 1993, IT WAS MICHAEL KEATON, COURTENEY
COX. WE LOOKED AT EACH OTHER, I CAN'T
BELIEVE WE'RE SITTING IN FRONT OF MICHAEL KEATON AND COURTENEY
COX. WE MADE IT THE WHOLE TIME.
>> Jimmy: YOU HAD BETTER SEATS THAN BATMAN AND FRIENDS, THAT'S
PRETTY GOOD. CONGRATULATIONS ON THE BIG
PROMOTION. YOUR FIRST SHOW, SUNDAY, 9:00
A.M., NOON EASTERN, "STATE OF THE UNION" ON CNN, DANA BASH.
THANKS, APPRECIATE IT. >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Jimmy: BE RIGHT BACK WITH BEST COAST.
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES-BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES-BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: HELLO AGAIN. IT'S YOUR OLD PAL JIM, HERE WITH
SOME GREAT MUSIC TO SHARE. THEIR ALBUM IS CALLED "ALWAYS
TOMORROW." WITH THE SONG "MASTER OF MY OWN
MIND." BEST COAST!
♪ ♪
♪ BREATHE IT IN BREATHE IT OUT ♪ I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT ♪ ♪ OH THIS AIN'T THE FIRST TIME
♪ SO SCARED OF THE FUTURE IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET ♪
♪ SO WHY'S IT GOT ME DOWN, DOWN ON THE GROUND ♪
♪ FOR ME IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING EVEN WHEN I SAY IT'S NOTHING ♪
♪ I GOTTA FOCUS GOTTA REWIND FOETS
♪ I GOTTA STAY THE MASTER OF MY OWN MIND ♪
♪ ♪ TELL ME SOMETHING YOU EVER
FELT THIS WAY ♪ ♪ THE BURDENS OF THIS LIFE
THEY'VE REALLY GOT A WAY ♪ ♪ OF DRAGGING YOU REAL FAR DOWN
TO THE GROUND ♪ ♪ WE'VE ALL MADE CHOICES THAT
WE'RE NOT HAPPY WITH ♪ ♪ I GUESS THE GOOD THING IS THAT
WE ALWAYS GET ♪ ♪ A SECOND CHANCE TO MAKE THINGS
RIGHT ♪ ♪ FOR ME IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING
EVEN WHEN I SAY IT'S NOTHING ♪ ♪ I GOTTA FOCUS GOTTA REWIND
♪ I GOTTA STAY THE MASTER OF MY OWN MIND ♪
♪ FOR ME THERE'S ALWAYS TOMORROW ♪
♪ EVEN WHEN I'M DROWNING IN MY SORROWS ♪
♪ I GOTTA FOCUS GOTTA REWIND ♪ I GOTTA STAY THE MASTER OF MY
OWN MIND ♪ ♪
♪ USUALLY I WOULD JUST STAY HERE AND KEEP BEING ME ♪
♪ BUT FINALLY I SEE THE LIGHT FINALLY I'M THE MASTER OF MY OWN
MIND ♪ ♪ FINALLY I SEE THE LIGHT
♪ FOR ME IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING EVEN WHEN I SAY IT'S NOTHING ♪
♪ I GOTTA FOCUS GOTTA REWIND MOST
♪ I GOTTA I GOTTA REWIND ♪ I GOTTA STAY THE MASTER OF MY
OWN MIND ♪ ♪
>> Jimmy: ONE MORE ITEM, IT'S
THURSDAY NIGHT, THAT MEANS IT'S TIME TO BLEEP AND BLUR THE BIG
TV MOMENTS OF THE WEEK WHETHER THEY NEED IT OR NOT.
IT'S "THIS WEEK IN UNNECESSARY CENSORSHIP."
>> LET'S START AFRESH. ALL OF US.
LET'S BEGIN TO LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER AGAIN.
HEAR ONE ANOTHER. [ BLEEP ] ONE ANOTHER.
>> IT WAS AUTHENTICALLY JOE BIDEN, IT WAS, YOU KNOW, COMMON
MAN TOUCH. WE EVEN GOT THE WORD [ BLEEP ]
IN THERE. >> THE LINE THIS STOOD OUT TO ME
IS MY [ BLEEP ] IS IN THIS. >> THE TRANSFER OF POWER FROM
ONE PRESIDENT TO ANOTHER TYPICALLY INVOLVES A [ BLEEP ]
AT THE WHITE HOUSE. >> I GREW UP REALIZING THIS WAS
A GREAT COUNTRY, THINKING THAT, ENDED UP GOING FOR [ BLEEP ]
CHICKENS TO BEING A GOVERNOR OF A STATE.
>> WERE YOU A WEIRD KID? >> WHAT?
EVERYONE'S [ BLEEP ] A LITTLE. >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T KNOW THAT ANYONE'S EVER [ BLEEP ]ED A TURTLE.
>> THIS IS NOT THE [ BLEEP ] SIZE, THIS IS THE [ BLEEP ]
SIZE, WE'RE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. >> EVEN GIVEN THE EXTRAORDINARY
CIRCUMSTANCE OF HIM BLOWING OFF THE INAUGURATION AND HAVING HIS
OWN FAREWELL SPEECH THIS MORNING.
CNN SAYING HE HAD A PATHETIC, TINY LITTLE [ BLEEP ].
I THINK WE'RE SEEING A JOURNALISTIC CELEBRATION.
>> WE'RE NOT EXPECTING TO SEE THE PRESIDENT [ BLEEP ] HIMSELF,
WE'RE NOT EXPECTING THE PRESIDENT TO [ BLEEP ] HIS ADULT
CHILDREN. >> SO HAVE A GOOD LIFE.
WE WILL SEE YOU SOON. [ BLEEP ] YOU.
[ BLEEP ] YOU VERY MUCH. [ BLEEP ] YOU VERY MUCH.
[ BLEEP ] YOU. >> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK
ALLISON JANNEY, DANA BASH, BEST COAST, AND
RUFUS WAINWRIGHT, APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
TO GET BACK TO PLAYING "ROADBLOCKS."
THANKS FOR WATCHING, GOOD NIGHT.