>> Dicky: TONIGHT, FROM A COMPLETELY ABANDONED HOLLYWOOD
BOULEVARD, IT'S THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE CORONAVERSARY
SHOW"! WITH SPECIAL GUESTS ‐‐ JOEL MCHALE.
U.S. SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION PETE BUTTIGIEG.
A SPECIAL MUSICAL PERFORMANCE BY ADAM DURITZ.
AND HONORING ONE YEAR OF AWKWARD VIDEO COMMUNICATION, THE FIRST
EVER ZOOMY AWARD!
>> WOW. HAS IT REALLY BEEN A YEAR?
GOD, THAT'S DEPRESSING.
>> Dicky: SORRY! I GOT SAD FOR A SECOND!
AND NOW, BECAUSE EVERY VIRUS NEEDS A HOST, HERE'S
JIMMY KIMMEL!
>> Jimmy: HI, HELLO. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO OUR FIRST AND HOPEFULLY LAST
EVER‐CORONAVERSARY. THERE'S SOME PRESENTS FOR YOU.
THE TRADITIONAL GIFT FOR A
ONE‐YEAR ANNIVERSARY IS PAPER. SO I FIGURED FOR THIS ONE,
TOILET PAPER. MAKES THE MOST SENSE, RIGHT?
I'VE GOT SWEAT PANTS ON. THIS IS A SPECIAL SHOW TONIGHT.
TONIGHT, WE LOOK BACK AT OUR YEAR OF LIVING CONTAGIOUSLY.
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY, THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION OFFICIALLY
DECLARED THE CORONAVIRUS A PANDEMIC, AND WE'VE BEEN
SPRAYING OUR BANANAS WITH WINDEX EVER SINCE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
QUICK SHOW OF HANDS, HOW MANY OF YOU ARE STILL BOILING YOUR MAIL?
BEFORE IT COMES IN IN
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S FUNNY TO THINK BACK ON ALL THE DUMB THINGS WE DID WHEN THIS
STARTED. ONE OF THE GUYS WHO WORKS HERE,
I DON'T WANT TO MENTION ANY NAMES, BUT IT'S GARY GREENBERG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT'S GARY'S MIDDLE NAME? LEE? SID LEE?
IS IT LEE? GARY LEE GREENBURG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE WAS LIKE, SHOULD I ORDER SUSHI, IS IT OKAY TO ORDER SUSHI?
EVERYBODY'S LIKE, YEAH, GARY, IT'S OKAY. HE ORDERS SUSHI.
BUT BEFORE HE EATS IT, HE PUTS IT IN THE MICROWAVE.
AND RUINS IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
A LOT OF SERIAL KILLERS HAVE THE NAME LEE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE CAREFULLY DISASSEMBLING OUR INSTACART
DELIVERIES LIKE A MUNITIONS EXPERT IN "THE HURT LOCKER?"
WATCH OUT, THE CHIPOTLE COULD EXPLODE!
A YEAR AGO, IF SOMEONE SAID "N95," YOU'D THINK THEY WERE A
BINGO CALLER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT MEANT NOTHING. WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEE
FRIENDS, LOVED ONES. I MISS PHYSICAL CONTACT SO MUCH,
I APPLIED FOR A JOB AT GOVERNOR CUOMO'S OFFICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TRUMP HAS PASSED AWAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HARD TO BELIEVE WE'VE BEEN IN FOR A WHOLE YEAR SINCE PEOPLE
WERE DANCING IN CLUBS, EATING IN
CROWDED RESTAURANTS, PASSING BONGS AROUND THE BEACH, PARTYING
LIKE IT'S 1999. IT SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY, AND YOU
KNOW WHY? THAT WAS YESTERDAY. THOSE CLIPS WERE FROM TEXAS AND
FLORIDA YESTERDAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH WELL. HERE IN CALIFORNIA, THINGS ARE
LOOSENING UP A LITTLE. L.A. COUNTY TODAY ISSUED
GUIDELINES FOR CERTAIN BUSINESSES SUCH AS GYMS AND
MOVIE THEATERS TO RE‐OPEN, POSSIBLY AS SOON AS THIS WEEKEND.
I'M GONNA PRETEND I'M EXCITED THE GYMS ARE OPENING BACK UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M GOING TO BE LIKE, OH MAN, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK
IN THAT GYM. DISNEY LAND IS GOING TO REOPEN
SOON AT 15% CAPACITY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
15% CAPACITY, CALIFORNIA RESIDENTS ONLY.
IN ORDER TO MAKE A PROFIT, THEY'RE REQUIRING EACH GUEST TO
EAT TWELVE CHURROS APIECE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I CAN DO THAT. HALLMARK PUT OUT A NEW LINE OF
GREEDING CARDS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TO COMMEMORATE THE YEAR
THAT WAS. WE SENT A GUY IN A HAZMAT SUIT
TO GO BUY A FEW AT CVS. LET'S SEE. HAPPY CORONAVERSARY!
WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE? AND WHERE HAVE MY AIRPODS GONE?
DID YOU TAKE THEM? BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND THEM AND I
FEEL LIKE THEY WERE ON MY NIGHTSTAND.
YOU KNOW THOSE ARE MINE, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE I HAVE HERE. OH, YES.
I'M BLINDED BY MY LOVE FOR YOU OR MAYBE IT'S FROM DRINKING
BLEACH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND THIS IS A FAMILY CARD. AND ONE MORE YEAR OF THIS AND
I'M KILLING THE KIDS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THOSE WILL BE ON THE FLOOR IF ANYONE NEEDS THEM.
STIMULUS CHECKS WILL BE IN YOUR POCKETS AS EARLY AS THIS WEEKEND
FOR SOME. TEAM BIDEN IS PLANNING TO HIT
THE ROAD NEXT WEEK TO PROMOTE HIS COVID RELIEF PLAN.
IT'S WHAT THEY'RE CALLING THE "HELP IS HERE TOUR."
PART OF THE EFFORT IS TO CONVINCE THOSE WHO ARE RELUCTANT
TO GET THE VACCINE. TO GET IT. IN FACT, A GROUP OF FORMER
PRESIDENTS TEAMED UP TO MAKE A PSA TO ENCOURAGE VACCINATION.
IT'S WEIRDLY KIND OF FUN TO SEE THEM ALL TOGETHER.
>> THIS VACCINE MEANS IT WILL
PROTECT YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE FROM THIS DEADLY DISEASE.
>> I LOOK FORWARD TO GOING TO OPENING DAY AT TEXAS RANGER
STADIUM WITH A FULL STADIUM.
>> I WANT TO GO TO WORK AND I WANT TO MOVE AROUND.
>> AS YOU KNOW, WE JUST CAME OUT WITH A FRAGRANCE, IT'S CALLED
"SUCCESS BY TRUMP" AND IT'S SOLD BY MACY'S.
>> IN ORDER TO GET RID OF THIS PANDEMIC, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR OUR
FELLOW CITIZENS TO GET VACCINATED.
>> I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT IF YOU PUT IT ON, ANYTHING YOU WANT
WILL COME TRUE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT HE FINALLY FOUND A WAY TO UNLOAD
THAT HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, I GUESS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
OUR PRESIDENT USED TO SELL COLOGNE.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS DIRECTING STATES TO MAKE THE VACCINE
AVAILABLE TO ALL ADULTS BY MAY 1st. BIDEN ADDRESSED THE NATION
TONIGHT FROM THE EAST ROOM OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
THIS WAS HIS FIRST PRIMETIME SPEECH SINCE TAKING OFFICE.
AND IT COMES EXACTLY ONE YEAR AFTER OUR FORMER PRESIDENT GAVE
HIS OWN VIRUS‐RELATED ADDRESS, WARNING US OF THE DANGERS TO
COME.
>> THE RISK IS VERY, VERY LOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT OWNING A CASINO, AND HE
BANKRUPTED THREE OF THOSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
I NEVER GET TIRED OF HIM SEEING THAT, HIM TELLING US ‐‐ THE
WHOLE TIME, CAPTAIN CONTAGIOUS WAS TELLING US IT WOULD GO AWAY.
40 TIMES HE SAID THIS ON TV ALONE.
UNFORTUNATELY, SAYING "GO AWAY" DOESN'T WORK. IT'S A VIRUS.
NOT ERIC.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ACCORDING TO THE ANNUAL "STRESS IN AMERICA" REPORT, THIS COUNTRY
IS STRESSED, VERY STRESSED, AND WE ARE EATING OUR WAY THROUGH IT.
61% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY GAINED WEIGHT DURING THE PANDEMIC.
LARGELY THANKS TO THE EFFORTS OF THE HEROIC MEN AND WOMEN WHO
DELIVER FOOD TO OUR HOMES. OF COURSE, WE WOULD NEVER HAVE
MADE IT THROUGH THE PAST YEAR WITHOUT DOCTORS, NURSES,
RESPIRATORY THERAPISTS AND ALL THE MANY HEALTHCARE HEROES.
BUT WE ALSO OWE A DEBT TO THE DRIVERS FROM DOORDASH,
POSTMATES, GRUBHUB, ALL OF THEM. AND WHEN I SAY WE OWE THEM A
DEBT, I MEAN IT LITERALY. MANY DRIVERS IN CITIES ALL
ACROSS THE COUNTRY COMPLAIN THAT GRATUITIES DURING THE PANDEMIC
ARE DOWN. PEOPLE AREN'T TIPPING AS MUCH,
WHICH STINKS BECAUSE THESE DRIVERS REALLY DON'T MAKE ANY
MONEY FROM THE DELIVERY ITSELF. I MYSELF WAS A DELIVERY DRIVER
ONCE. AND SO, AS A SERVICE TO THOSE
WHO ORDER FOOD, WE ASSEMBLED A GROUP OF REAL DELIVERY DRIVERS
WHO TEAMED UP TO BRING YOU THIS VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE.
♪
>> HELLO.
>> WE'RE DELIVERY DRIVERS FROM POSTMATES.
>> UBER EATS.
>> DOORDASH, INSTACART, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE.
>> WE WANT TO REMIND YOU WE'RE NOT DOING THIS FOR OUR HEALTH.
IF WE CARED ABOUT OUR HEALTH, WE'D BE LIAT HOME, LIKE YOU.
>> WATCHING "WANDAVISION" WHICH WE STILL HAVEN'T SEEN YET ‐‐
>> BECAUSE WE'RE BUSY DELIVERING YOUR PIZZA ‐‐
>> ALMONDS.
>> BURRITOS.
>> FRIED CHICKEN.
>> AND WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE YOU ORDERED WHEN YOU WERE HIGH.
>> REMEMBER WHEN YOU SEE US, THIS IS OUR JOB.
>> YOU TIP THE WAITRESS, RIGHT? SHE BRINGS THE FOOD TO YOUR
TABLE.
>> WE BRING THE TABLE TO YOUR HOUSE.
>> ALL THE WAY TO YOUR HOUSE.
>> FOR GOD'S SAKE, TIP US.
>> TIP US.
>> [ BLEEP ] TIP US, SERIOUSLY.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO TELL THIS TO YOU.
>> WE WORK FOR TIPS.
>> MY CAR SMELLS LIKE TACOS. YOUR TACOS THAT I DIDN'T EVEN
GET TO EAT.
>> SO TIP US.
>> JUST TIP US.
>> AND PUT SOME PANTS ON WHEN YOU COME TO THE DOOR!
>> PAID FOR BY AMERICA'S DELIVERY DRIVERS.
WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THE ONLY REAL FRIENDS WE HAVE.
ONE BUSINESS NOT HURT BY THE PANDEMIC HAS BEEN ZOOM
COMMUNICATIONS. ZOOM REVENUE IS UP OVER
300% SINCE MARCH OF LAST YEAR. SEEMS LIKE IT SHOULD BE HIGHER,
RIGHT?
>> Guillermo: YEAH, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: YEAH THANKS FOR AGREEING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Guillermo: I AGREE, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU PAY FOR ZOOM?
>> Guillermo: NO, I DON'T.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD BE PAYING FOR, IT COMES
FOR FREE. I PUT ALL MY MONEY IN PARTY
CITY AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PANDEMIC.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ZOOM IS HOW MANY PEOPLE NOW GO TO WORK AND GO TO SCHOOL AND OF
COURSE, IT HAS ALSO LED TO A NUMBER OF ZOOM‐RELATED MISHAPS.
AND FOR THOSE TONIGHT, WE ARE PLEASED TO PRESENT THE
FIRST‐EVER ZOOMY AWARD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND THE ZOOMINEES ARE ‐‐
YOU'RE UPSIDE‐DOWN TOM.
>> WILL THE GENTLEMAN SUSPEND ‐‐ ARE YOU OKAY?
>> I AM.
>> YOU'RE UPSIDE DOWN, TOM.
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THAT.
>> AND FYI ‐‐
>> YOU CAN STAND ON YOUR HEAD.
>> Jimmy: MEOWT OF ORDER!
>> KIDS DO IT AND THE BBC ARE ALSO NOW EMBRACING THIS.
I APOLOGIZE FOR MY CAT'S TAIL. WHY ARE YOU NOT DOING THIS BY
DEFAULT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: IN THE NAME OF THE FILTER!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SPEAKING LATIN ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: BAD TO THE BONE!
>> WHAT ‐‐ WHAT DID YOU DO? DAD, HOLY CRAP!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: AND CATTORNEY AT LAW.
>> I BELIEVE YOU HAVE A FILTER TURNED ON IN THE VIDEO SETTINGS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU MIGHT WANT TO ‐‐
>> WE'RE TRYING TO ‐‐ CAN YOU HEAR ME, JUDGE?
>> I CAN HEAR YOU, I THINK IT'S A FILTER ‐‐
>> IT IS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REMOVE IT.
I'VE GOT MY ASSISTANT HERE, SHE'S TRYING TO, BUT ‐‐ OH, I'M
PREPARED TO GO FORWARD WITH IT. I'M HERE LIVE, I'M NOT A CAT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT. SO MANY WONDERFUL NOMINEES.
BUT ONLY ONE WILL WIN THE ZOOMY. AND THE ZOOMY GOES TO ‐‐
CATTORNEY AT LAW!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND NOW TO ACCEPT HIS ZOOMY AWARD, ALL THE WAY FROM ST.
ALPINE, TEXAS, ROD PONTON! CONGRATULATIONS, ROD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> ALL THE WAY FROM TEXAS, I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY DEEPEST
APPRECIATION FOR THE FIRST‐EVER ZOOMY AWARD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE ‐‐ I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MEANINGFUL IT IS TO ME,
TO BE AWARDED FOR MY OWN SCREW‐UP ON THE CAT ZOOM
FILTER ‐‐
>> Jimmy: MR. PONTON, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE A FILTER TURNED ON IN
THE VIDEO SETTINGS.
>> WELL, THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME. BUT ANYWAY.
I THINK THIS AWARD MEANS MORE THAN THE ACADEMY AWARDS MEAN TO
SOME OF THOSE HOLLYWOOD ACTORS. I WANT TO THANK MY STAFF AND
EVERYBODY ELSE. THANK YOU ALL FOR LAUGHING WITH
ME. I WAS GLAD I WAS ABLE TO GIVE THE WORLD A LAUGH FOR A MOMENT
WITH MY CAT FILTER.
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU DID THAT INDEED, ROD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CONGRATULATIONS, AND CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF OUR
NOMINEES TONIGHT. THERE ARE NO LOSERS HERE.
I THINK THE CAT PASSED AWAY. ALL RIGHT.
ONE MORE PANDEMIC‐THEMED ITEM BEFORE WE FORGE AHEAD, IT'S
THURSDAY NIGHT, WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME TO BLEEP AND BLUR THE COVID
MOMENTS OF THE YEAR. IT'S "THIS CORONA YEAR IN
UNNECESSARY CENSORSHIP."
>> APPARENTLY THE GOT CORONA. I MAY HAVE A COUPLE OF DAYS OF
SOLO TIME, AND THERE'S ONLY SO MANY [ BLEEP ], [ BLEEP ] I CAN
DO BEFORE THAT GETS BORED.
>> THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH PEOPLE [ BLEEP ]ING TWO
[ BLEEP ]S.
I OFTEN MYSELF DO.
>> THE PRESIDENT TODAY SAID IT'S SAFE TO [ BLEEP ].
>> I HAVEN'T TOUCHED MY
[ BLEEP ] IN WEEKS, I MISS IT.
>> PEOPLE IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY HIT SO HARD BY THIS
PANDEMIC. ONE MURPHY FAMILY DECIDED TO
BLESS RESTAURANT WORKERS WITH BIG [ BLEEP ]S.
>> "DEFIANT TRUMP REMOVES MASK AFTER RELEASE FROM HOSPITAL,
[ BLEEP ] OFF."
>> IT'S PRETTY AMAZING WHAT HAPPENED. I WASN'T FEELING GREAT.
AND THE NEXT DAY I WAKE UP AND I'M SAYING, LIKE, WHO CAN I
[ BLEEP ] TODAY?
>> THIS THANKSGIVING IS GOING TO SUCK [ BLEEP ].
>> THERE'S ACTUALLY A TERM IN DATING CALLED FOU ED FAUCI'ing .
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
>> I'M GOING TO [ BLEEP ] YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WELL. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. PETE BUTTIGIEG IS WITH US.
WE'VE GOT MUSIC FROM ADAM DURITZ. AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
JOEL MCHALE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: TONIGHT, WE ARE LOOKING BACK AT THE LAST
25 YEARS WE'VE BEEN IN LOCKDOWN. THE FORMER MAYOR OF SOUTH BEND,
INDIANA, CURRENT U. S. SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION,
PETE BUTTIGIEG IS WITH US.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HE WAS HERE HOSTING THIS SHOW ONE YEAR AGO TONIGHT WHEN IT ALL
SHUT DOWN. THEN, LATER, HIS BAND HAS A NEW
ALBUM COMING IN MAY AS WE CELEBRATE THE 25th ANNIVERSARY
OF THIS CLASSIC, "RECOVERING THE SATELLITES," MUSIC FROM
ADAM DURITZ OF COUNTING CROWS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ADAM HAS A SONG I ASKED HIM TO SING BECAUSE I THINK IT CAPTURES
WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS YEAR PRETTY WELL.
NEXT WEEK, WE'VE GOT NEW SHOWS WITH GWEN STEFANI,
LIONEL RICHIE, ANTHONY MACKIE, JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN AND THE
FORMER FIRST LADY OF THE UNITED STATES, MICHELLE OBAMA, WILL
JOIN US.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MUSIC FROM BRITTANY HOWARD, TUNE‐YARDS, AND CHESS‐KA
FEATURING DE LA GHETTO AND OFFSET.
PLEASE JOIN US FOR ALL OF THAT. LAWS LAWS
[ APPLAUSE ]
OUR FIRST GUEST IS A MULTI‐TALENTED MAN YOU KNOW
MOSTLY FROM TELEVISION, BUT NOW, HE'S THE STAR OF A MOVIE THAT
YOU WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO WATCH ON TELEVISION.
"HAPPILY," IT PREMIERES IN THEATERS, DIGITALLY AND ON
DEMAND A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. HE HASN'T LEFT HIS HOME FOR A
YEAR, PLEASE WELCOME JOEL MCHALE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU? WOW. LOOK AT THIS.
>> THANK YOU. THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO, GET
IT, GET IT.
>> Jimmy: YOU LOOK GREAT. THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL ‐‐
>> THIS IS ‐‐
>> Jimmy: BEAUTIFUL BEARD YOU'VE GROWN THERE.
>> IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS A YEAR'S WORTH OF GROWTH?
>> THIS IS A WEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU SHOULD SEE MY PUBES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THEY'RE LAST MY KNEES. NO, I STARTED A ZZ TOP TRIBUTE
BAND DURING THE PANDEMIC.
>> Jimmy: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A MUSICIAN,
YEAH.
>> I'M NOT, IT'S TERRIBLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SOUNDS TERRIBLE, YEAH, I CAN KEEP TWO MEALS IN THIS THING.
>> Jimmy: THEY'RE CALLED ZZ BOTTOM, THE NAME OF THE BAND?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, THAT HAS ANOTHER MEANING AS WELL.
NO, THIS IS ‐‐ I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING DURING THE PANDEMIC.
>> Jimmy: INTERESTING THAT YOUR BEARD WOULD BE FULL AND YOUR
EYEBROWS BUSHY, YET YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE IT WAS CUT TODAY.
>> IT'S WEIRD, THIS HAS NOT GROWN AT ALL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I REALIZED ‐‐ WHEN I WAS STORMING THE CAPITOL, IT WAS
LIKE, EVERYONE LOOKS LIKE ME!
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT SHIRT?
I'M JUST NOTICING YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF COMPANY NAMES ON IT.
>> I WANT THAT [ BLEEP ] VACCINE, MAN.
LOOK, EVERYBODY'S MAKING IT NOW.
>> Jimmy: OH, YEAH, YOU DO HAVE ALL THE ‐‐
>> PFIZER, IF YOU'RE IN, THAT'S GREAT. MODERNA. NABISCO.
>> Jimmy: THEY MAKE A VACCINE?
>> I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE. JIM BEAN SUGAR DID.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE WAS A NUMBER OF TIMES I WOKE UP AND THOUGHT, I MUST BE
SICK AND I WAS JUST HUNG OVER. "FORTNITE," IF THEY COME OUT
WITH THE VACCINE, ALL THE KIDS WILL HAVE IT.
>> Jimmy: THEY'LL HAVE IT FOR SURE.
>> THIS IS THE VACCINE I'M EXCITED ABOUT, WAFFLE HOUSE.
CAN YOU IMAGINE GIVING A VACCINE TO WAFFLE?
>> Jimmy: BOYSENBERRY SYRUP FLAVORED.
>> IT WOULD BE SO GOOD.
>> Jimmy: YOU LOOK GREAT.
>> YOU LOOK AMAZING AND I'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR BALLS LIKE THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER EVEN SEEN THEM.
THEY'RE NOT VISIBLE, ARE THEY?
>> IT'S WEIRD, THE TIE ‐‐
>> Jimmy: HOLD ON LET ME SHAKE THEM BACK DOWN THE LEG.
>> THAT'S GREAT. DO YOU DO THE CHECK AFTER A PEE,
YOU PUT UP THE PANTS AND YOU'RE LIKE, ANY LEAKAGE? I'M OKAY.
>> Jimmy: OF COURSE I DO, OF COURSE. A MAN MY AGE?
IT'S LIKE YOU'VE BLOWN A GASKET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ME TOO, MAN.
>> Jimmy: I THINK I SAW YOU IN PERSON ONE YEAR AGO EXACTLY.
>> WE REALLY HAVE NOT SEEN EACH OTHER.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YOU WERE ON "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE."
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: I KNOW YOU COOK, I KNOW YOU LIKE THAT, WHAT ELSE?
>> WELL, FIRST OF ALL, LIKE WHEN THE PANDEMIC HIT, IT WAS TODAY.
WAS TODAY THE DAY?
>> Jimmy: TODAY WAS THE DAY.
>> SO MY KID TURNED 12 THE NEXT DAY.
AND WE HAD TO CANCEL HIS PARTY AND ALL THAT.
SO HE IS TURNING 13 TOMORROW. AND WE ARE HAVING A DISTANCED
PARTY. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ISAAC.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SY WANT TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT JIMMY KIMMEL WILL BE AT THE
PARTY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE WILL BE DOING ENTERTAINMENT.
>> Jimmy: I'M COMING TO THE PARTY, YEAH.
>> THIS IS GREAT.
>> Jimmy: I'D LOVE TO COME TO ISAAC'S PARTY.
IS IT GOING FOB ONE OF THOSE WHERE PEOPLE DRIVE BY?
THOSE ARE THE WORST PARTIES. IT'S LIKE, HEY, LOOK, THERE'S MY
FRIENDS ‐‐ OH, THERE THEY GO.
>> YEAH, WE GOT A USED BOUNCY HOUSE THAT'S BEEN AT 12
DIFFERENT PLACES. DON'T EVEN WASH IT, WE'LL PUT IT
UP, I'M SURE IT'S FINE. THERE'S A BALLROOM, IT'S GREAT.
NO, JIMMY, YOU KNOW ME. I'M AN OBSESSIVE‐COMPULSIVE
WORKAHOLIC.
>> Jimmy: YOU ARE KIND OF, AREN'T YOU?
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING ON? IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'VE DONE JOBS
THAT DIDN'T EVEN EXIST TO GET THIS FAR.
>> THAT IS TRUE. EVEN WHEN I ‐‐ I SAID YES TO
EVERYTHING OFFERED. I WAS ON EVERY ZOOM GAME SHOW.
AND BELIEVE ME ‐‐ IT'S FUNNY YOU SAY THAT ABOUT ZOOM AND EVERYONE
COMPLAINS ABOUT ZOOM, BUT COULD YOU IMAGINE BEING THE PRESIDENT
OF ZOOM? IT'S LIKE, WE ARE PROVIDING AN
ESSENTIAL SERVICE AND EVERYONE
[ BLEEP ]ING HATES US!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: AND WE'RE NOT CHARGING THEM ANYTHING FOR IT!
>> YEAH, IT'S FREE AND THEY'RE ALL FURIOUS ABOUT US!
ANOTHER MIRACLE OF TECHNOLOGY, GREAT.
>> Jimmy: SHOULD HAVE PUT THEM ON YOUR SHIRT.
>> I FEEL LIKE EVERY A‐LIST CELEBRITY BASICALLY WENT ON
VACATION FOR THE FIRST PART OF COVID.
THEY'RE LIKE, OH, I HAD TO BE IN CANCUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HIDE THERE. SO I JUST WAS LIKE, US
D‐LISTERS, I SAID YES TO EVERYTHING.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID, YEAH.
>> EVEN WHEN YOU WENT ON VACATION, I HOSTED YOUR SHOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YES, THANK YOU FOR DOING THAT.
>> THANK YOU. LOOK AT THAT RESPONSE!
>> Jimmy: SEE THAT?
>> MY GOSH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU ALWAYS HAD THIS WORK ETHIC?
>> YEAH, NO, I'M AN ‐‐
>> Jimmy: EVEN AS A KID, A YOUNG BOY?
>> I WAS GOING TO SAY, I HOSTED THIS SHOW ON MY ANNIVERSARY.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, YEAH. YES.
>> AND WHEN I ‐‐ I WAS WORRIED BY TOLD MY WIFE, LIKE, IS IT
OKAY? SHE WAS LIKE, I EXPECTED YOU TO
WORK ON OUR ANNIVERSARY, SO IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF YOU WERE
AVAILABLE TO EXPRESS YOUR LOVE TO ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT NO, AS ‐‐ BOY, YOUR STAFF IS A GREAT AUDIENCE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
EXCEPT FOR YOU! NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAD, LIKE, 12 JOBS AS A KID. I DID ‐‐ I HAD A PAPER ROUTE.
I HAD A WEEDING SERVICE. I USED TO FOLD SWEATSHIRTS AT
A ‐‐ LIKE A BIG WAREHOUSE. I CUT DOWN TREES. THAT WAS ODD.
I TRIMMED THEM. AND I WAS CONSTANTLY DOING STUFF.
AND I WORKED AT AN ESPRESSO CART FOR YEARS.
>> Jimmy: IN SEATTLE?
>> IN SEATTLE. I WAS IN A MOBILE ESPRESSO CART.
>> Jimmy: WHAT YEAR WAS THIS?
>> THIS STARTED IN 1989.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHEN I LIVED AND WORKED IN SEATTLE.
>> THIS IS WHEN YOU WERE AFRAID OF MT. RAINIER, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: I STILL AM, RIGHT, IT'S AN ACTIVE VOLCANO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVERYONE SHOULD BE AFRAID.
>> DON'T YOU THINK THERE'S ENOUGH WARNING WITH AN ACTIVE
VOLCANO?
>> Jimmy: NOT FOR ME THERE ISN'T, NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HE'S REALLY AFRAID OF MT. RAINIER, I'M NOT KIDDING.
>> Jimmy: I HAVEN'T LIVED IN SEATTLE FOR 30 YEARS, I FEEL
LIKE I GOT OUT OF THERE JUST IN TIME.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SO WHEN YOU SEE AMAZON SETTING UP, LIKE SPREADING OUT
IN SEATTLE, YOU'RE LIKE, OKAY, KEEP GOING, GUYS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU ARE [ BLEEP ]ED.
>> Jimmy: AMAZON WAS A JUNGLE BACK THEN.
>> YOU'RE FINE WITH EARTHQUAKES, SUDDEN EARTHQUAKES IN L. A.?
>> Jimmy: DON'T LIKE THOSE EITHER, NOT A FAN, YEAH.
>> WOULDN'T YOU SAY THERE'S MORE OF THOSE THAN ERUPTIONS?
>> Jimmy: IT'S JUST SO HARD TO DO A TELEVISION SHOW IN ALABAMA,
YOU KNOW?
>> TRUE, I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT.
A WHOLE OTHER SET OF PROBLEMS THERE.
>> Jimmy: LOOKING AT YOU, I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING A TELEVISION SHOW
IN ALABAMA.
>> NOW YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ALABAMA? THANKS A LOT.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: JOE McHALE IS HERE, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>>> WE ARE PREPARED TO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR MISHAP.
>> MISHAP?
>> YES.
>> I THINK WE'RE GOING TO NEED SOME KIND OF AN EXPLANATION HERE.
>> YOU SEE, EVERY FEW YEARS WE ENCOUNTER SOMEONE WITH A ‐‐
DEFECT.
BUT TWO PEOPLE WITH A ‐‐ MALFUNCTION, THAT, THAT IS WHAT
WE CALL A RARITY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT IS JOE McHALE.
>> AND OF COURSE THE AMAZING CARRIE BOUCHER.
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS MOVIE.
I ENJOYED IT. I THINK I CAN SAY THAT YOU PLAY
A COUPLE, YOU AND CARRIE, WHO REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER AFTER 14
YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
>> YEP.
>> Jimmy: AND IT REALLY BOTHERS ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS.
>> YES. WE HAVE SEX LIKE THREE TIMES A
DAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: LOT OF SEX.
>> WE'VE BEEN MARRIED 14 YEARS, AND YEAH, THEY HATE OUR GUTS.
>> Jimmy: THEN IT GETS REALLY, REALLY STRANGE.
>> YES. IT IS LIKE A "TWILIGHT ZONE"
EPISODE WITH, AGAIN, A LOT OF SEX.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: A LOT OF SEX. AND A LOT OF ACTORS, THEY'RE
UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SEX SCENES, WHATEVER.
YOU TOLD ME IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET AN ERECTION IS ON
SET?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH. YEAH, IT'S ‐‐
[ APPLAUSE ]
I MIGHT AS WELL BE SQUATTING IN A RIVER ALL THE TIME.
UNTIL I GET ON SET. BECAUSE THAT IS THE SEXIEST
PLACE.
>> Jimmy: NOT ONLY YOU HAVE THIS MOVIE "HAPPILY," WHICH WAS
SUPPOSED TO COME OUT A YEAR AGO?
>> SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE TRIBECA FILM FESTIVAL, AND THAT DIDN'T
HAPPEN. NOW IT'S FINALLY COMING ‐‐ I
SAID I WAS NOT GOING TO SHAVE UNTIL IT CAME OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO HERE WE GO. YEAH, NOW IT'S FINAL HI COMING
OUT SO WE'RE VERY EXCITED. AGAIN, THE CAST IS SO GREAT.
>> Jimmy: A LOT OF FUNNY PEOPLE IN IT.
>> YEAH, THE GROUP IS VERY, VERY GOOD.
I CAN'T REMEMBER ANY OF THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: SPEAKING OF FUNNY, YOU BROUGHT US SOMETHING SPECIAL
TONIGHT.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: YOU DID A STANDUP COMEDY SPECIAL.
>> I DID A STANDUP COMEDY SPECIAL.
>> Jimmy: FOR NETFLIX?
>> YES. I SHOT IT IN OCTOBER.
>> Jimmy: YOU SHOT THIS IN OCTOBER?
THAT WAS KIND OF HEIGHT OF THE PANDEMIC?
>> AGAIN, I DON'T STOP WORKING, SO I WAS LIKE ‐‐ THEY OFFERED IT
AND I'M LIKE, YOU BET, I'M DOING IT.
>> Jimmy: INTERESTING, ALL RIGHT.
WE HAVE THE WORLD PREMIERE OF THE TRAILER FOR JOE McHALE'S
PRODUCTION, TAKE A LOOK.
>> LET'S HEAR IT! YEAH!
♪
>> THIS BARELY WORKS 60% OF THE TIME. WHOO!
AND THAT'S WHY I DON'T USE RAILINGS.
HOW ABOUT THAT TRAFFIC OUT THERE? I GOT HERE QUICKER THAN IT TOOK
ME TO PICK OUT MY FASHIONABLY TORN JEANS. WHO'S WITH ME?
MAN I WANT THAT VACCINE. I WANT THAT VACCINE.
FOR HERPES!
HELLO! HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MAN?
>> IT'S MIKE.
>> MIKE? MIKE? HEY! WHAT DO YOU DO, MIKE?
>> I'M THE CAMERAMAN.
>> HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE LEFT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON? YOU GUYS WASHIN YOUR HANDS?
YOU GUYS WASHING YOUR HANDS? ARE YOU GUYS WASHING YOUR HANDS?
EAT IT, CHAPPELLE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> PART ONE, THAT'S PART ONE. THAT'S THE FIRST HOUR.
THE FIRST HOUR.
>> Jimmy: JOE McHALE, EVERYONE. "HAPPILY" PREMIERES IN THEATERS,
DIGITAL, AND ON DEMAND A WEEK FROM FRIDAY.
>> GO SEE IT!
>> Jimmy: WE'LL BE BACK WITH PETE BUTTIGIEG!
>> Jimmy: MUSIC FROM ADAM DURITZ IS ON THE WAY.
OUR NEXT GUEST WAS THE LAST PERSON TO STAND ON THIS STAGE
AND TELL JOKES BEFORE IT ALL WENT SOUTH.
NOW HE'S IN CHARGE OF THE U. S. DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION,
THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
JOINING US FROM WASHINGTON D. C., PLEASE WELCOME SECRETARY
PETE BUTTIGIEG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLUSE ]
HELLO, SECRETARY BUTTIGIEG, HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M GOOD, IT'S GOOD SEEING YOU.
>> Jimmy: BOY. WE DIDN'T KNOW, OBVIOUSLY YOU
DIDN'T KNOW, NONE OF US KNEW, THAT WHEN YOU CAME HERE AND YOU
WERE NICE ENOUGH TO FILL IN FOR ME THAT YOU WOULD BE DOING A
SHOW IN FRONT OF NO AUDIENCE. YOU FOUND OUT THAT DAY, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, REMEMBER HOW MUCH CHANGED BETWEEN BREAKFAST AND
WHEN WE ACTUALLY WENT ON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> MIDDLE OF THE DAY WE FOUND OUT THINGS ARE CHANGING, MAYBE
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE AN AUDIENCE. THAT THINNED IT OUT.
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF WE COULD GO FORWARD.
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE THE LAST TIME ANYBODY
WOULD BE IN THAT STUDIO FOR A LONG TIME.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I FEEL IN A WAY LIKE YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANKS A LOT.
>> Jimmy: NOT LONG AFTER THAT, I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PHOTOGRAPH
HERE, YOU GREW A BEARD, WHICH I THINK LOOKS VERY GOOD.
I ASKED YOU TO HOST THE SHOW, NOT TO CO‐OPT MY LIFE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU WENT A LITTLE, LITTLE TOO FAR, I THINK.
>> WHAT CAN I SAY, IT WENT TO MY HEAD.
>> Jimmy: HAD YOU KNOWN THAT YOU WERE NOT GOING TO HAVE AN
AUDIENCE THAT NIGHT, WERE IT NOT FOR SIR PATRICK STEWART WHO'S
LIKE ONE OF IF NOT YOUR FAVORITE, WOULD YOU HAVE LEFT?
WOULD YOU HAVE GONE RIGHT BACK HOME?
>> ANYTHING TO BE ABLE TO MEET PATRICK STEWART IN PERSON, SO
I'M GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO DO IT. YEAH, IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.
BUT COULD NOT HAVE GUESSED WHAT WAS COMING NEXT.
>> Jimmy: MAY I ASK ‐‐
>> COULDN'T HAVE ASKED HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE.
>> Jimmy: I WANTED TO ASK ABOUT YOUR CABINET POSITION.
I WONDER HOW THAT WORKED. DO YOU GET A PHONE CALL FROM NOW
PRESIDENT BIDEN? DO YOU ‐‐ HOW DOES THAT WORK,
HOW DO YOU GET THE NEWS?
>> YEAH, YEAH, YOU GET A PHONE CALL FROM SOMEBODY ASKING YOU IF
YOU HAVE TIME TO SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT‐ELECT.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> YOU DO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
EXCITING TO GET THE CALL. OBVIOUSLY WORKED HARD TO SUPPORT
THE CAMPAIGN AND FELT LIKE THERE MIGHT BE AN OPPORTUNITY TO
SERVE. IT'S THE PRESIDENT‐ELECT'S DECISION, AND YOU DON'T KNOW
UNTIL YOU GET THE CALL. SO IT FELT GREAT TO KNOW I WAS
GOING TO HAVE A CHANCE TO OF IS, TO WORK ON SOMETHING AS
IMPORTANT AND AS COOL AS TRANSPORTATION, SOMETHING I'VE
REALLY IMPORTANT PART OF WHAT THIS ADMINISTRATION'S GOING TO
BE ABLE TO DO IF YOU THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH IS ON THE LINE FOR OUR
INFRASTRUCTURE RIGHT NOW.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I DO WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THAT.
I'M FIRST CURIOUS TO KNOW, DID YOU KNOW THAT THAT WAS THE
POSITION YOU WOULD BE OFFERED? OR COULD IT HAVE BEEN HOUSING
AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT, OR SOME OTHER POSITION IN THE CABINET?
>> YEAH, I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW, A JOB APPLICATION
PROCESS WHERE YOU'RE GOING IN FOR A SPECIFIC SLOT.
IT'S THE JUDGMENT OF THE PRESIDENT‐ELECT.
AND I REMEMBER A NEWS ARTICLE ABOUT SOME RUMOR THAT I WAS
GOING TO BE SENT TO CHINA. WHICH CAME AS A BIG SURPRISE TO
CLA CHASTAIN AND TO ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THINGS WORKED OUT FOR THE BEST.
>> Jimmy: AS HEAD OF THE DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION, DO
YOU OVERSEE THE MONORAIL AT DISNEYLAND?
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU OVERSEE ‐‐ ARE UFOs UNDER YOUR PURVIEW, TECHNICALLY?
>> YOU KNOW, I GUESS THEY COULD BE.
WE HAVE COMMERCIAL SPACE TRAVEL SO IT COULD. IT'S AMAZING.
STUFF PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT. PLANES, TRAINS, AUTOMOBILES.
WE DO A LOT WITH AIRPORTS, ROADS AND HIGHWAYS.
THEN THINGS YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT.
PIPELINES, HAZARDOUS MATERIALS. WE'RE IN CHARGE OF TIME ZONES.
I TRY NOT TO LET THAT POWER GO TO MY HEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME COMING UP THIS WEEKEND, SO VERY IMPORTANT
TO US AT DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION.
EVERYBODY REMEMBER TO SPRING FORWARD.
>> Jimmy: HOLD ON, YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF TIME ZONES?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE THE GUY I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TALK TO!
WE'VE GOT TO GET RID OF THIS DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME.
MY SON, HE WOKE UP AT 6:00 THIS MORNING.
WE CAN'T, WE NEED CONSISTENCY, WE MUST HAVE, WE MUST DO AWAY
WITH THIS CURSE! CAN YOU DO THAT?
>> I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU, I'D APPRECIATE THAT, OKAY.
INFRASTRUCTURE. I FEEL LIKE INFRASTRUCTURE IS
LIKE GLUTEN. WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S IMPORTANT,
BUT WE DON'T REALLY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
WHAT IS INFRASTRUCTURE?
>> SO I TELL YOU, INFRASTRUCTURE IS WHAT MAKES IT POSSIBLE FOR US
TO MOVE PEOPLE AND GOODS AROUND THIS COUNTRY AND FOR US TO GO
ABOUT OUR LIVES. THE DEEPER IT IS, THE MORE
IMPORTANT IT IS TO US. THE WHOLE IDEA IS THAT YOU DON'T
HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT IT MUCH.
YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GO ABOUT YOUR LIFE TO GET TO WORK OR
SCHOOL OR YOUR LOVED ONES OR WHATEVER IS IMPORTANT TO YOU
UNLESS THERE WAS A GOOD WAY TO GET THERE.
THAT'S WHY ROADS ARE SO IMPORTANT, THAT'S WHY TRANSIT IS
SO IMPORTANT. THE TRUTH IS, NOT EVERYBODY HAS
INFRASTRUCTURE THAT THEY CAN COUNT ON WITHOUT HAVING TO THINK
ABOUT IT. AND THAT'S WHERE WE COME IN.
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THAT BETTER.
>> Jimmy: YET YOU RIDE TO WORK ON A BICYCLE.
ISN'T THAT SPITTING IN THE FACE OF TRANSPORTATION ITSELF?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, BECAUSE THAT'S PART OF INFRASTRUCTURE TOO, RIGHT?
PART OF WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO DO IS ENCOURAGE CITIES AND STATES
TO BUILD MORE BIKE LANES, WHICH IS A KIND OF INFRASTRUCTURE.
BIKE‐SHARING, WHICH IS A KIND OF INFRASTRUCTURE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
I ENCOURAGE HER PEOPLE TO BIKE TO WORK, SO I FIGURE OUT HOW TO
PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH.
>> Jimmy: NOW THAT THE PRESIDENT HAS SIGNED THE BILL, WILL YOU
HAVE TO LOAD THE STIMULUS CHECKS ONTO A TRAIN AND GET THEM TO
PEOPLE?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, BAGS OF CASH, WE PUT THEM ON AIRPLANES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NO, OBVIOUSLY IT'S A WHOLE GOVERNMENT EFFORT TO MAKE SURE
THESE RESOURCES GET OUT TO WHERE THEY NEED TO BE.
IT'S ABOUT GETTING CHECKS OUT TO FAMILIES, IT'S ABOUT GETTING
SHOTS INTO ARMS TOO. A BIG PART OF IT IS WITH US
BECAUSE WE'RE WORKING TO MAKE SURE THERE'S SUPPORT FOR TRANSIT
AGENCIES. YOU THINK ABOUT THE HIT THAT
TRANSIT AGENCIES TOOK. AMTRAK, THEIR RIDERSHIP FELL SO
REVENUE FELL AND THEY WERE HAVING TO CUT ROUTES.
THEY'RE ALREADY IN THE PROCESS OF ADDING ROUTES BACK THANKS TO
THE AMERICAN RESCUE PLAN. THAT'S ONE EXAMPLE OF WHAT THE
PRESIDENT'S ACTION TODAY WILL DO. WE'RE THANKFUL TO CONGRESS FOR
PASSING IT, AND I'M SO GLAD THE PRESIDENT WAS ABLE TO GET IT
DONE.
>> Jimmy: SECRETARY, WHERE DO YOU STAND ON SELF‐DRIVING CARS?
HAVE YOU BEEN IN ONE? DO YOU SEE THAT AS SOMETHING
THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN? IF SO, WHEN WILL IT BE VERY
COMMON?
>> WE DON'T KNOW YET. THE REAL ANSWER IS, AS SOON AS
THE TECHNOLOGY IS READY AND AS SOON AS WE KNOW THAT IT'S SAFE.
THERE'S A TON OF POSSIBILITY. D ‐ BUT FOR THE LAST 100 YEARS AS A
COUNTRY, WE'VE BEEN MAKING SURE CARS ARE SAFE BASED ON THE BASIC
ASSUMPTION THAT SOMEBODY'S GOING TO BE DRIVING IT.
SO WE'VE GOT TO MAKE SURE THAT IT WORKS, THAT IT CAN WORK IN
DIFFERENT CONDITIONS. BUT THERE IS A TON OF
POSSIBILITY. IT COULD REALLY CHANGE THE WAY
WE RELATE TO CARS, BECAUSE IF THE CAR CAN COME PICK YOU UP, IT
MAY BECOME MORE OF A SERVICE INSTEAD OF A THING THAT MOST OF
US OWN. AND THAT IN TURN MEANS YOU DON'T
NEED AS MANY PARKING LOTS. FAMILY FINANCES WOULD BE
DIFFERENT IF YOU ONLY PAY FOR USING A CAR INSTEAD OF OWNING
ONE. THAT'S PROBABLY STILL A FEW YEARS OUT, BUT IT IS SOMETHING
WE'RE ACTIVELY THINKING ABOUT AND PREPARING FOR NOW.
>> Jimmy: FOX NEWS TOMORROW IS GOING TO TAKE THIS CLIP AND SAY,
PETE BUTTIGIEG WANTS TO TAKE YOUR CAR OUT OF YOUR GARAGE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOBODY'S TAKING YOUR CAR, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF EXCITING STUFF
ON THE HORIZON. ALSO ELECTRIC VEHICLES.
AUTOMAKERS COMING UP WITH ALL‐ELECTRIC VEHICLES THAT
PERFORM SO WELL. GREAT FOR THE CLIMATE.
REALLY EXCITING TO SEE THAT GROW, TOO.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU HAD ANY DISCUSSIONS ABOUT JET PACKS?
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A KID ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
‐‐ WE WERE PROMISED, I FEEL, JET PACKS.
I FELT THAT BY THIS TIME ‐‐ SOMEBODY TOLD ME THE YEAR 2021.
I BELIEVE THAT WILL BE OUR PRIMARY FORM OF TRANSPORTATION.
AND I WOULD LIKE ONE OF THOSE. WHERE ARE WE ON THAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL LOOK INTO IT RIGHT AWAY.
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU. YOU HAVEN'T? OH, NO.
THE FACT THAT YOU HAVEN'T WORRIES ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'VE BEEN FOCUSED ON THE TIME ZONE THING. BUT WE'LL GET THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YES, LET'S GET RID OF DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME, THEN GET
THE JET PACKS IN. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR FILLING IN
FOR ME LAST YEAR. THE GANG AT WETZEL'S PRETZELS
ACROSS THE STREET MISSES YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN FACT, THEY MISS EVERYBODY.
>> SO BUMMED I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
>> Jimmy: SECRETARY PETE BUTTIGIEG, EVERYONE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU, SECRETARY. WE'LL BE BACK WITH ADAM DURITZ!
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ.
THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: AS WE TALLY A YEAR IN LOCKDOWN, WHO BETTER TO HELP US
COUNT THOSE DAYS THAN COUNTING CROWS?
THIS IS THE 25th ANNIVERSARY OF THEIR MONSTER ALBUM "RECOVERING
THE SATELLITES," WITH THE VERY APPROPRIATE SONG "A LONG
DECEMBER," ADAM DURITZ!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME, MAN.
AND HAPPY CORONA‐VERSARY, EVERYBODY.
♪
♪ A LONG DECEMBER
AND THERE'S REASON TO BELIEVE MAYBE THIS YEAR WILL BE
BETTER THAN THE LAST ♪
♪ I CAN'T REMEMBER
THE LAST THING THAT YOU SAID AS YOU WERE LEAVIN'
NOW THE DAYS GO BY SO FAST ♪
♪ AND IT'S ONE MORE DAY
UP IN THE CANYONS AND IT'S ONE MORE
NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ IF YOU THINK THAT I
COULD BE FORGIVEN
I WISH YOU WOULD ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
♪ THE SMELL OF HOSPITALS IN
WINTER ♪
♪ AND THE FEELING
THAT IT'S ALL A LOT OF OYSTERS BUT NO PEARLS ♪
♪ ALL AT ONCE YOU LOOK
ACROSS A CROWDED ROOM TO SEE THE WAY THAT
LIGHT ATTACHES TO A GIRL ♪
♪ A GIRL A GIRL A GIRL A GIRL
♪ AND IT'S ONE MORE DAY
UP IN THE CANYONS AND IT'S ONE MORE
NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ IF YOU THINK YOU
MIGHT COME TO CALIFORNIA I THINK YOU SHOULD ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
♪ I DROVE UP TO HILLSIDE MANOR
SOMETIME AFTER 2 A. M. ♪
♪ AND WE TALKED A LITTLE WHILE
ABOUT THE YEAR ♪
♪ I GUESS THE WINTER
MAKES YOU LAUGH A LITTLE SLOWER ♪
♪ MAKES YOU TALK
A LITTLE LOWER ABOUT THE THINGS YOU COULD NOT SHOW HER ♪
♪ AND IT'S BEEN
A LONG DECEMBER ♪
♪ AND THERE IS
REASON TO BELIEVE MAYBE THIS YEAR WILL BE
BETTER THAN THE LAST ♪
♪ I CAN'T REMEMBER
ALL THE TIMES ♪
♪ I TRIED TO TELL MY MYSELF
TO HOLD ON TO THESE MOMENTS
AS THEY PASS ♪
♪ AND IT'S ONE MORE DAY
UP IN THE CANYON AND IT'S ONE MORE
NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD ♪
♪ IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE I HAVE SEEN THE OCEAN IT'S
BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAVE SEEN THE OCEAN OH OH ♪
♪ IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I HAVE
SEEN THE OCEAN YEAH ♪
♪ AND I GUESS I SHOULD
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA ♪
♪ NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
NA NA NA NA NA ♪
>> Jimmy: I WANT TO THANK JOEL MCHALE, SECRETARY
PETE BUTTIGIEG AND ADAM DURITZ. APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON.
WE DID RUN OUT OF TIME FOR HIM. "NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT.
WEAR YOUR MASK, WASH YOUR HANDS, GET YOUR SHOTS AND ONE DAY, WE
CAN BE TOGETHER AGAIN. THANKS FOR WATCHING, GOODNIGHT.