>> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"! TONIGHT ‐‐
MICHELLE OBAMA, AND MUSIC FROM BRITTANY HOWARD.
AND NOW, JIMMY KIMMEL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HI, EVERYONE. I'M JIMMY. I'M THE HOST.
THANKS FOR WATCHING. THANKS FOR WATCHING ON ST.
PATRICK'S DAY EVE. ARE YOU READY FOR IT?
>> Guillermo: I'M READY.
>> Jimmy: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
>> Guillermo: DRINK AND EAT.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU KNOW THE TRADITIONAL FOODS?
>> Guillermo: I'M GOING TO EAT TACOS AND SPAGHETTI.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT'S IT, THAT'S RIGHT. VERY IRISH.
THIS WILL NOT BE THE USUAL
BEER‐SOAKED PARADE THIS YEAR. THE CDC IS URGING AMERICANS TO
ENGAGE IN VIRTUAL CELEBRATIONS. IN AN OFFICIAL STATEMENT TODAY,
"RECOMMEND ALL AMERICANS STAY HOME THIS ST. PATRICK'S DAY AND
GET BLACKOUT DRUNK ALONE, LIKE REAL IRISHMEN."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND I, FOR ONE, AM OFFENDED. BUT WE MUST REMAIN VIGILANT.
THE FEAR IS THAT A FOURTH WAVE OF THE VIRUS IS COMING.
THE WHITE HOUSE IS TRYING TO GET AS MANY PEOPLE VACCINATED BEFORE
THE NEW, MORE CONTAGIOUS VARIANTS LEAD TO ANOTHER SURGE.
IT'S A RACE AGAINST TIME AND STUPIDITY.
PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THEY'RE OVER THE PANDEMIC.
WHICH IT'S A VIRUS, IT'S NOT WORDS WITH FRIENDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU CAN'T JUST BE OVER IT. EVERY EXPERT SAYS ANOTHER WAVE
CAN BE PREVENTED AND WE CAN ACTUALLY PUT AN END TO THIS IF
WE'RE SMART AND WEAR MASKS. BUT THE PROBLEM IS WE'RE NOT
SMART. WE DON'T WEAR MASKS. WE'RE DUMB. WE'RE DUMB PEOPLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S INTERESTING, I READ THE OTHER DAY THAT AMONG OUR MANY
OTHER PROBLEMS, THE PLANET IS FACING A SHORTAGE OF SAND.
THERE'S A SAND SHORTAGE BECAUSE OF DEMAND FOR CONSTRUCTION WHICH
MEANS WE WILL SOON HAVE NOTHING TO STICK OUR HEADS IN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OVER AT FOX NEWS THEY ARE HAVING A HARD TIME THIS ARE NOSTRILS
ARE FULL OF SAND. THEY ARE HAVING A VERY HARD TIME
TRYING TO CONVINCE US THAT JOE BIDEN IS BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A
RUNAWAY TRUCK OR SOMETHING. TUCKER CARLSON PULLED A TIRED
OLD RABBIT OUT OF HIS HOOD LAST NIGHT GOING ON AND ON ABOUT
CARDI B AND MEGAN THEE STALLION AT THE GRAMMYS SUNDAY NIGHT.
>> WHAT DO THEY CONSIDER ART? THAT'S THE QUESTION.
WE LEARNED LAST NIGHT THE GRAMMY AWARDS.
HERE'S A CLIP OF THE ONLY PORTION WE COULD PLAY YOU.
♪
♪ WET WET WET I'M TALKING THAT'S
THE WET WET WET ♪
♪ NOW MAKE YOUR BRAIN IF YOU
WANT TO SEE THE WET WET WET ♪
♪
>> NO MORE DUMBO. IT'S TOO FILTHY.
>> Jimmy: BOY. IF THIS ELVIS PRESLEY KEEPS
ROTATING HIS HIPS LIKE THAT, SATAN WILL IMPREGNATE OUR
DAUGHTERS!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE DESTRUCTION OF AMERICAN VALUES, AMERICAN PRINCIPLES.
IT'S TERRIFYING. PARENTS SHOULD BE TERRIFIED THAT
THIS IS THE DIRECTION THAT OUR SOCIETY IS HEADING TOWARDS.
WE ARE WEAKENING AMERICA. THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD BE TALKING
ABOUT, THIS IS A WEAKENING OF AMERICAN SOCIETY.
WE ARE SETTING THE STAGE, IT FEELS LIKE WE ARE LOOKING AT
CORROSION, LIKE WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE THE END OF AN EMPIRE.
AMERICA CANNOT SURVIVE, IT CANNOT BE SUSTAINED UNDER THESE
SORTS OF VALUES AND PRINCIPLES.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT, RIGHT. DEADLY ATTACK ON OUR NATION'S
CAPITOL, UNDERSTANDABLE. TWO BLACK WOMEN WITH A DIRTY POP
SONG IN THE END OF AN EMPIRE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PRETTY SURE THEY SAID THE SAME THING ABOUT MADONNA AND GEORGE
MICHAEL IN THE '80s. BUT I GUESS THEY HAVE NOTHING
REAL TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. EVEN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE IS
RUNNING OUT OF TOPICS. KLAN MOM WAS ON NEWSMAX
YESTERDAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHERE SHE SOUNDED AN ALARM AT THE BORDER.
>> YOU SEE, THE GREATEST THING ABOUT AMERICA IS THIS COUNTRY IS
THE PLACE EVERYONE WANTS TO BE. JOE BIDEN HAS RIPPED OUR BORDERS
OPEN AND INVITED OVER 100 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES TO COME HERE.
AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY'RE FINDING.
HE'S TAKEN AWAY ALL OF TRUMP'S STRONG BORDER SECURITY EXECUTIVE
ORDERS AND NOW WE EVEN HAVE TERRORISTS POSSIBLY COMING INTO
OUR COUNTRY.
>> TERRORISTS AND COVID, BY THE WAY. A LOT OF COVID, TOO.
>> Jimmy: OH, WAIT, I THOUGHT WE DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT
COVID. NOW COVID IS REAL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
I GUESS YOU TWO IDIOTS SHOULD BE WEARING MASKS THEN, HUH?
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
DON JR. IS ALSO WORKSHOPPING SOME NEW JOE BIDEN MATERIAL.
DJTJ IS ANGRY THAT BIDEN HASN'T WEIGHED IN ON THE SEXUAL
MISCONDUCT ALLEGATIONS AGAINST NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.
WHO IS GETTING CLOSE TO BREAKING PRESIDADDY'S ALL‐TIME RECORD FOR
SEXUAL MISCONDUCT BY AN AMERICAN POLITICIAN.
>> YOUR REACTION TO ALL OF THIS?
>> IT'S MY ‐‐ LISTEN, IT DOESN' SURPRISE ME.
I WROTE THE BOOK "LIBERAL PRIVILEGE" BECAUSE THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT THIS IS. JOE BIDEN WON'T COMMENT ON IT.
DIDN'T STOP JOE BIDEN FROM COMMENTING ON PREVIOUS KAVANAUGH
OR ANY OTHER REPUBLICAN THAT'S BEEN ACCUSED OF THESE THINGS.
JOE BIDEN, PROBABLY NOT THE BEST PERSON TO TALK ABOUT THESE
THINGS, GIVEN HIS HISTORY OF SNIFFING CHILDREN, ET CETERA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: SNIFFING? SNIFFING CHILDREN.
WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SNIFFING.
THAT'S WHAT WE'D LIKE TO KNOW.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: IF I WAS YOU, JOHNNY, I'D STUFF THE WORD "SNIFFING"
BACK INTO THE FAMILY THESAURUS. AND THEN THE FRAUDIGAL SON GAVE
US A REVIEW OF THE WORK HIS FATHER'S CONQUEROR HAS DONE SO
FAR.
>> I THINK IT'S PROBABLY THE MOST DISASTROUS FIRST 60 DAYS IN
THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN POLITICS AND CERTAINLY THE PRESIDENCY.
>> Jimmy: OKAY. ALL RIGHT. NAME TEN PRESIDENTS. GO AHEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PLEASE. WE'LL WAIT. WIPE WORKING ON A NEW GAME SHOW
FOR DONALD TRUMP JR. IT'S CALLED "NAME TEN PRESIDENTS
AND PEE IN THIS CUP."
[ LAUGHTER ]
MEANWHILE, NORTH KOREA HAS NO PLAN TO MAKE NICE WITH THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION SOON. AFTER A LONG PERIOD OF SILENCE,
KIM JONG‐UN'S SISTER, KHLOÉ JONG‐UN, LASHED OUT.
OR IS IT KOURTNEY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
KOURTNEY JONG‐UN LASHED OUT. SHE WARNED THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION THAT IF IT WANTS PEACE IT HAD BETTER, QUOTE,
"REFRAIN FROM CAUSING A STINK AT ITS FIRST STEP."
"WE TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WARN THE NEW U. S. ADMINISTRATION
TRYING HARD TO GIVE OFF POWDER SMELL IN OUR LAND."
I'M SURE IT SOUNDS MORE THREATENING IN KOREAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE NORTH KOREA THINKS THESE STATEMENTS THEY
MAKE ARE SICK BURNS BUT THEY ALWAYS SOUND LIKE RIDDLES.
"IF YOU WISH TO CROSS THE BRIDGE, BE WISE NOT TO ANGER US
LIKE THE CAT WHO SWALLOWED MUSHROOMS UNWASHED!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
BY THE WAY, IT'S RARE THAT A DICTATOR'S SIBLING SPEAKS OUT.
I DON'T REMEMBER READING ANY STERN WARNINGS FROM LOIS HITLER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS BEEN TRYING TO REACH OUT TO NORTH KOREA FOR
WEEKS, KIM JONG‐UN ISN'T HAVING IT. I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S TRIED
SENDING A LOVE LETTER? I HEAR KIM IS REALLY INTO THOSE.
WE HAVEN'T HEARD MUCH FROM KIM JONG‐UN AT ALL SINCE TRUMP
LEFT OFFICE. I HOPE THE LITTLE FELLA'S OKAY.
I WONDER HOW HE'S DOING?
♪
>> I WILL ALWAYS GIVE YOU MY LOVE!
♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH. HE'S JUST A LITTLE ROCKET MAN,
STANDING IN FRONT OF A FORMER PRESIDENT ASKING HIM TO LOVE HIM.
THAT'S ALL. OH, WELL. THEY'LL ALWAYS HAVE SINGAPORE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP MAY BE OUT OF OFFICE BUT HE'S STILL DOING A LOT OF HEAVY
GRIFTING. BIG‐MONEY REPUBLICAN DONORS HAVE
BEEN POURING INTO MAR‐A‐LAGO FOR FUNDRAISERS AND PHOTO OPS.
PUTTING CASH INTO TRUMP'S CANDY CORN‐COLORED COFFERS.
OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS CONSERVATIVE GROUPS HAVE SPENT
AROUND $12 MILLION ON EVENTS AT TRUMP‐OWNED PROPERTIES.
NOW THEY GO STRAIGHT TO MAR‐A‐LAO WHERE THEY CAN MAYBE
CATCH A GLIMPSE OF TRUMP SHUFFLING BY.
IT'S LIKE DISNEYLAND BUT THE ONLY CHARACTER IS DOPEY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AIRLINES RIGHT NOW ARE CRACKING DOWN ON WHAT THEY SAY IS A RISE
OF "UNRULY PASSENGERS." SPECIFICALLY, PASSENGERS WHO
REFUSE TO WEAR MASKS. WHICH ‐‐ THAT'S SOME LOGIC.
YOU TRUST THE ENGINEERS WHO BUILT THE PLANE, YOU TRUST THE
PEOPLE WHO OPERATE THE PLANE. YOU PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON, YOU
KNOW THAT'S GOING TO MAKE YOU SAFER, YOU KNOW WHERE THE OXYGEN
IS THAT YOU WILL USE IF YOU NEED IT. YOU TRUST THE AIR TRAFFIC
CONTROLLERS WHO WATCH THE RADAR AND TELL THE PLANES WHERE TO GO
BUT THEN THEY ASK YOU TO PUT A NAPKIN OVER YOUR FACE AND YOU'RE
LIKE, NO WAY! I DO NOT BELIEVE THE SCIENCE!
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
FUNNY THING ABOUT MOST OF THESE PEOPLE WHO WON'T WEAR A MASK,
THE VAST MAJORITY OF THEM LOOK BETTER IN THE MASK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS AN ODD BUSINESS STORY OUT OF THE U. K.
THERE IS A CHAIN OF FOOTWEAR STORES OVER THERE CALLED "SHOE
ZONE." THEY HAVE 500 STORES IN ENGLAND
AND IRELAND. SHOE ZONE RECENTLY GOT A NEW
BOSS. THIS IS REAL, WE DID NOT MAKE
THIS UP. "TERRY BOOT REPLACES PETER FOOT
AT SHOE ZONE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE THEY ARE. BOOT AND FOOT. I GUESS FOOT GOT THE BOOT, I
DON'T KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I ENJOY STUFF LIKE THIS. I AM AMUSED BY PEOPLE WHOSE
NAMES MATCH THEIR OCCUPATIONS. SO WE DID A BIT OF DIGGING, A
LOT OF DIGGING ACTUALLY, AND FOUND FOUR PERFECTLY NAMED
PEOPLE WHO I AM PLEASED TO INTRODUCE YOU TO TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FIRST UP, WE GO TO OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON, TO MEET A STATE
SUPREME COURT JUDGE AND FREQUENT WEDDING OFFICIANT. HELLO THERE.
HOW ARE YOU? THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO
JOIN US.
>> HI, JIMMY.
>> Jimmy: HI. BEFORE I REVEAL YOUR NAME, HOW
LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A JUDGE?
>> WELL, I'VE BEEN A JUDGE NOW FOR 21 YEARS.
AND THE LAST SEVEN HAVE BEEN ON THE STATE SUPREME COURT.
>> Jimmy: AND HOW MANY WEDDINGS HAVE YOU OFFICIATED?
IN THAT TIME?
>> OH, JUST A LITTLE OVER 650.
>> Jimmy: 650 WEDDINGS. AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
>> MARY YU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WHEN YOU PRESIDE OVER A WEDDING, DO YOU SAY "I, MARY
YU, MARRY YOU"?
>> THAT'S A GOOD LINE THAT I MIGHT TRY.
>> Jimmy: YOU HAVEN'T. CAN MARY YU LEGALLY DIVORCE YOU
TOO? IS THAT IN YOUR WHEELHOUSE?
>> WE JUDGES HAVE A LOT OF POWER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OVERALL WORK, YOU SAY THIS NAME HAS BEEN A GOOD THING
FOR YOU? OR A NUISANCE?
>> NO, IT'S BEEN WONDERFUL. AND I JUST HAVE TO SAY, JIMMY,
YOU KNOW, HAVING THIS NAME ACTUALLY GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY
TO PRESIDE OVER THE FIRST SAME‐SEX MARRIAGE IN THE STATE
OF WASHINGTON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: OH, WOW. THAT'S A PRETTY BIG DEAL. WOW.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? IS THERE AN EF?
MAYBE A KIL?
>> I HAVE ONE LOVELY SIBLING WITH THE RIGHT NAME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MARY, IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
THAT'S MARY YU, EVERYONE. WE JOURNEY TO SURREY, ENGLAND,
TO MEET A NUTRITIONIST AND VEGETARIAN COOKBOOK AUTHOR. LOW
HELLO, THERE. FIRST, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN
WORKING IN THE FIELD OF NUTRITION?
>> I'VE BEEN A NUTRITIONIST OVER 30 YEARS. ABOUT THINKS YEARS.
>> Jimmy: YOU AR LONGTIME NUTRITIONIST.
YOU ARE A VEGETARIAN. WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE
VEGETARIAN FOODS?
>> OH, I LOVE ‐‐ I DO COOK A LOT WITH BEANS.
I'VE GOT GARBONZO BEANS.
I DO BEAN BURGERS, CHICKPEA STEWS.
>> Jimmy: YOU MENTIONED GAR BON ZO BEANS AND CHICKPEAS, AREN'T
THEY THE SAME THING?
>> THEY'RE EXACTLY THE SAME THING, JIMMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT'S TIME TO REVEAL YOUR NAME. GO AHEAD.
>> MY NAME A N ANITA BEAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: ANITA BEAN. IS THERE A MR. BEAN?
>> DEFINITELY.
>> Jimmy: ANY BEANIE BABIES?
>> I'M MARRIED. I'M MARRIED TO SIMON BEAN, AND
I'VE GOT TWO BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS. THEIR NAMES ARE CHLOE AND LUCY
BEAN.
>> Jimmy: IT'S A RISKY NAME TO GIVE ‐‐ I GUESS YOU KNOW THE
LAST NAME. IT'S A RICKY NAME TO GIVE A GIRL.
YOU COULD HAVE MARRIED ANDY DICK AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A
PROBLEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE LAST NAME, EITHER.
WELL, THANK YOU FOR STAYING UP SO LATE, ANITA. I APPRECIATE IT.
>> YEAH, NO, THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON.
>> Jimmy: GO CRACK A WINDOW. WE GO NEXT TO JACKSON, GEORGIA,
TO SAY HELLO TO A CORRECTIONAL OFFICER IN JACKSON.
HELLO THERE, HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M GREAT, HOW ARE YOU, JIMMY?
>> Jimmy: I'M DOING WELL. HOW ARE THINGS IN JACKSON RIGHT
NOW?
>> COLD AND WET.
>> Jimmy: COLD AND WET.
>> YES. WE'RE EXPERIENCING WET WEATHER
ALL DAY.
>> Jimmy: NOW, YOUR JOB, I THINK WE GOT A CLUE AS TO WHAT YOU DO
BASED ON YOUR UNIFORM. YOU ARE ‐‐
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: ALSO THE WORDS ARE UP
THERE ON THE SCREEN. LAUGH
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU'RE A CORRECTIONAL OFFICER. I'M NOT TOO BRIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHERE DO YOU DO YOUR CORRECTIONAL OFFICER'ing?
>> RIGHT HERE IN JACKSON. I AM A SERGEANT OVER OUR
HIGH‐MAX FACILITY HERE IN GEORGIA.
>> Jimmy: OH, YOU MUST SEE SOME CRAZY STUFF THERE, HUH?
>> YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I WOULD LIKE THREE HOURS OF YOUR TIME TO GET IN
THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO PROBLEM, JIMMY, NO PROBLEM.
>> Jimmy: WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO SHARE YOUR NAME WITH
EVERYONE?
>> MY NAME IS SERGEANT ROBIN BANKS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: ROBBING BANKS. ARE YOU MARRIED?
>> I AM, YES.
>> Jimmy: WHAT WAS YOUR MAIDEN NAME?
>> MY MAIDEN NAME WAS WINEGLASS.
>> Jimmy: WINEGLASS?
>> YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD NAME FOR ANITA, ANITA
WINEGLASS, RIGHT?
>> I NEED A WINE GLASS EVERY DAY.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE A
WITHDRAWAL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NOT NORMALLY, BECAUSE WHEN I'M IN PUBLIC, I'M USUALLY ARMED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OH, OKAY.
>> SONCH NORMALLY I DON'T HAVE PROBLEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SERGEANT ROBIN BANKS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
LAST BUT NOT LEAST, AUSTIN, TEXAS, TO MEET A RETIRED
UROLOGIST, WHICH I'M ALREADY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW LONG DID YOU WORK AS A UROLOGIST?
>> WELL, JIMMY, FIRST OF ALL, THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Jimmy: ON YEAH.
>> THAT IS GREAT FUN. I'VE BEEN IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, FOR
37 YEARS, PLAUL.
>> Jimmy: 37 YEARS. AS A UROLOGIST, YOU HAD A
PARTICULAR SPECIALTY, CORRECT?
>> WELL, YEAH. I WAS TRAINED IN UROLOGIC
ONCOLOGY. IN AUSTIN I'VE BECOME THE
VASECTOMY MACHINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AFTER 16,000 VASECTOMIES PLUS, I'VE EARNED THE HONOR.
>> Jimmy: WOW. YOU HAVE HANDLED A LOT OF
PENISES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
MAY I ASK, WHAT IS YOUR NAME, DOCTOR?
>> MY NAME IS DR. DICK CHOP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I EARNED THAT NAME, SIR.
>> Jimmy: AND NEVER ONCE DID YOU THINK, MAYBE I'LL GO WITH
RICHARD?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, YOU KNOW. THAT'S MY REAL NAME.
BUT EVERYBODY CALLS ME DICK NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. WHETHER THEY LIKE ME OR NOT, YOU
KNOW?
>> Jimmy: PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE A SON NAMED KARATE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T, I DON'T.
>> Jimmy: WOW. AND DOES THIS SCARE YOUR
PATIENTS EVER, WHEN YOU COME IN, DICK CHOPP SHOWS UP AT THE DOOR?
>> NOT REALLY. MOST OF THEM COME IN TO SEE ME
FOR THEIR VASECTOMIES.
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
>> AND OVER THE PAST 20 YEARS, ALL THE GENTLEMEN THAT COME IN
GET A T‐SHIRT.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> THAT SAYS "I'VE BEEN CHOPPED AT UROLOGY AUSTIN."
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S A GOOD MARKETING TOOL, YEAH. GREAT FUN.
>> Jimmy: HAS THIS BEEN GOOD FOR YOUR BUSINESS OVERALL?
BEING NAMED DICK CHOPP?
>> YES, CERTAINLY, CERTAINLY. THE INTERESTING THING IS I
RETIRED IN DECEMBER OF 2020. AND IN THE MONTH PRIOR TO MY
RETIREMENT, GUYS WERE COMING OUT OF THE WOODWORK TO COME IN AND
ABOUT IT THEIR VASECTOMIES BY YOURS TRULY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IN RETROSPECT, I THINK A LOT OF THEM WANTED THE T‐SHIRT
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YEAH, I WOULD LOVE ONE OF THOSE. THANK YOU, DR. CHOPP.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANKS TO ALL OUR PERFECTLY NAMED PEOPLE. GUESS WHO'S HERE?
FIRST OF ALL, WE'VE GOT MUSIC FROM BRITTANY HOWARD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHELLE OBAMA, SO STICK AROUND!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: HI, THERE. TONIGHT, YOU KNOW HER FROM HER
WORK IN FRONT OF ALABAMA SHAKES. SHE WON BEST ROCK SONG AT THE
GRAMMYS SUNDAY NIGHT. THIS IS HER ALBUM CALLED "JAIME."
MUSIC FROM BRITTANY HOWARD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SHE IS GREAT. TOMORROW NIGHT, FROM THE NEW
MARVEL SERIES, "THE FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER"
ANTHONY MACKIE, EDGAR RAMIREZ, MUSIC FROM TUNE‐YARDS.
AND ON THURSDAY, LIONEL RICHIE, GEOFFREY DEAN MORGAN, AND MUSIC
FROM CHESCA FEATURING DE LA GHETTO AND OFFSET.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PLEASE JOIN US FOR ALL OF THAT. OUR FIRST GUEST HAS BEEN ON A
REMARKABLE AMERICAN JOURNEY FROM THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO TO
PRINCETON AND HARVARD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, TO THE TOP OF "THE
NEW YORK TIMES" BEST‐SELLER LIST.
NOW SHE IS TALKING TO PUPPETS ON NETFLIX.
SHE'S A MR. HOOPER FOR ANOTHER GENERATION ON HER NEW SHOW,
"WAFFLES AND MOCHI." PLEASE WELCOME MICHELLE OBAMA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HOW ARE YOU?
>> DOING GRAIL, JIMMY. I LOVE THAT INTRODUCTION THAT
YOU JUST DID. THE NEW MR. HOOPER, I LOVE THAT.
>> Jimmy: REMEMBER MR. HOOPER?
>> OF COURSE.
>> Jimmy: BIG BIRD CALLED HIM MR. LOOPER, USUALLY.
>> THAT BIG BIRD.
>> Jimmy: HOW HAS LOCKDOWN BEEN GOING FOR YOU GUYS?
HAS THE FAMILY BEEN TOGETHER?
>> OH, GOSH YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, YEAH, WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER. IT'S GOING WELL.
YOU KNOW, WE ARE OF THE MINDSET IN THIS TIME THAT IF WE HAVE OUR
HEALTH, WE'RE DOING WELL. SO WE ARE BLESSED.
BUT NO, NO, WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
>> Jimmy: HOW LONG WAS IT FUN? I WOULD IMAGINE WHEN THE KIDS
ARE BACK, BACK IN THE HOUSE ‐‐
>> WELL, YEAH, IT WAS FUN FOR A LONG TIME.
I MEAN, WE SET UP THIS ROUTINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY WOULD GO INTO THEIR SPACES AND DO THEIR
WORK, THE KIDS WOULD DO THEIR CLASSES, YOU KNOW.
WE'D BE DOING CHAR. THEN WE'D COME TOGETHER FOR
COCKTAIL HOUR.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> GET A GLASS OF WINE AND DO AN ACTIVITY, LIKE WE WERE INTO
PUZZLES FOR A WHILE. I BOUGHT SOME OIL PAINTS.
WE HAD PAINTING WEEK.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> I'D TAKEN UP KNITTING.
>> Jimmy: OH, WOW.
>> YOU KNOW, THE GIRLS WERE BAKING.
IT WAS ALL JUST SUGAR AND LIGHT. THEN WE'D HAVE DINNER, THEN WE'D
PLAY A FAMILY GAME. I THINK THAT LASTED FOR A MONTH
OR SO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: UH‐HUH.
>> AND THEN, YOU KNOW. THE KIDS WOULD COME DOWN LATER.
BE A LITTLE MORE SURLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
A LITTLE LESS COMMUNICATIVE. WE RAN OUT OF FUNNY STORIES TO
TELL. THEN SUMMER CAME, AND THAT HELPED.
WE COULD EAT OUTSIDE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
>> Jimmy: UH‐HUH.
>> NOW, A YEAR IN, YOU KNOW. WE DON'T REALLY EVEN GET A HELLO
WHEN PEOPLE COME TO THE TABLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE, WHAT'S UP? HOW'S YOUR DAY? SAME, SAME. DEAD.
NOTHING HAPPENED, OKAY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: AND HOW ABOUT DAD? BECAUSE YOU'VE SPOKEN AND HE HAS
SPOKEN ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT EXACTLY TIDY AROUND THE
HOUSE. HAS HE SHORED UP THAT AREA OF
BEHAVIOR?
>> OH.
>> Jimmy: IS HE BEING CLEANER IN THE HOUSE?
>> HE'S CLEAN ER BUT IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF HIM, IT'S BECAUSE HE
HAS SOMEONE THAT DOES IT NOW.
>> Jimmy: I SEE.
>> HE LIKES TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT LIKE, YOU SEE HOW NEAT I AM?
I'M LIKE, IT'S NOT YOU, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
>> Jimmy: I DO THE SAME THING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, IT'S VERY NEAT AROUND OUR HOUSE.
>> Jimmy: I GOTCHA.
>> EXCEPT FOR THE KIDS' ROOMS AND WE JUST DON'T GO UP THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
GIVEN UP THAT FLOOR.
>> Jimmy: THE PRESIDENT WAS ON OUR SHOW RIGHT WHEN HIS BOOK
CAME OUT. AND IN THAT FIRST WEEK, HIS BOOK
OUTSOLD YOUR BOOK. BUT SINCE THEN, I THINK YOU'RE
LIKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR AHEAD OF HIM YOU ARE AS FAR AS BOOK
SALES GO?
>> NO, OF COURSE JIMMY, I DON'T COUNT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OF COURSE I KNOW. I'M WAY AHEAD. WAY, WAY, WAY AHEAD.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: SINCE YOU DON'T KNOW, I WILL TELL YOU.
IT'S 3.3 MILLION, WHICH IS A LOT OF BOOKS. TO 15 PLUS MILLION.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHICH IS A LOT MORE BOOKS. YOU BOTH HAVE PODCASTS NOW.
ARE YOU COMPARING DOWNLOADS AS WELL?
>> NO, NOT REALLY. BECAUSE IT'S LIKE, MY PODCAST
CAME OUT THIS SUMMER, HIS JUST CAME OUT.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> SO IT'S LIKE WE'RE TAG TEAMING, YOU KNOW.
I DO SOMETHING, HE DOES SOMETHING, I DO SOMETHING.
>> Jimmy: HE FOLLOWS, YEAH. HE HAS A TAG TEAM ‐‐ HE HAS A
PARTNER IN HIS TAG TEAM. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WHO HE SAID ON HIS PODCAST THAT YOU SUGGESTED HE
SPEND MORE TIME WITH BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
BECAUSE BRUCE SEEMED TO BE MORE EVOLVED THAN HE IS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, DON'T ‐‐ I HEAR PEOPLE LAUGHING.
>> Jimmy: YEAH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> BUT LET ME JUST SAY THIS. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN IS ONE OF MY
FAVORITE PEOPLE. NOT JUST BECAUSE OF HIS MUSIC.
BUT HE'S ONE OF THE FEW MEN THAT I KNOW WHO HAS REALLY DONE THE
WORK OF SELF‐REFLECTION AND HE'S WILLING TO SHARE. RIGHT?
SO, I MEAN, HE REALLY GOES IN. AND THAT'S WHAT "RENEGADE," THE
PODCAST, IS ABOUT. HOW RARE IS IT, JIMMY, FOR MEN ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
‐‐ TO TAP INTO THEIR FEELINGS, JIMMY?
I'D LOVE TO TALK TO MOLLY ABOUT THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHE'S THE ONE I'D TALK TO.
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> IT'S JUST A RARE THING FOR TWO MEN TO TALK ABOUT FEELINGS
AND FEARS AND GROWING UP. AND BRUCE WAS ALWAYS, SINCE I'VE
KNOWN HIM, HE'S BEEN VERY FORTH COMING.
SO THAT'S WHAT MAKES THE PODCAST AMAZING.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE THAT IT HAS RUBBED OFF ON BARACK, BRUCE?
>> YEAH, YEAH. YEAH, YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE IS BECOMING MORE TAPPED INTO HIS FEELINGS AND READY TO
EXPRESS THEM.
>> Jimmy: IT SEEMS LIKE IT WAS 100 YEARS AGO.
BUT IT WAS A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO. I INTERVIEWED YOU IN TACOMA,
WASHINGTON, IN FRONT OF A BIG GROUP OF PEOPLE.
YOU WERE ON YOUR BOOK TOUR. AND WE HAD A GREAT TALK.
IT WAS A LOT OF FUN. AND EVERYONE WAS VERY EXCITED TO
SEE YOU. AND I ASKED YOU A QUESTION THAT
NIGHT. AND I ACTUALLY ASKED YOUR HUSBAND THIS QUESTION AS WELL,
AND HE KICKED IT BACK TO YOU. I ASKED YOU THAT ON THE NIGHT
THAT SEAL TEAM 6 TOOK OUT OSAMA BIN LADEN AT YOUR HUSBAND'S
ORDER, DID YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND MAKE LOVE THAT NIGHT TO
CELEBRATE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOUR AUDIENCE THAT, FOR SOME VERY
SICK REASON.
>> Jimmy: UH‐HUH?
>> YOU ARE VERY OBSESSED WITH ‐‐
[ LAUGHTER ]
‐‐ THIS PORTION OF THAT MAJOR HISTORICAL EVENT.
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> IN A WAY THAT NO ONE ELSE, NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THE
CONVERSATIONS I'VE HAD ‐‐
>> UH‐HUH?
>> ‐‐ HAS BEEN DRILLED DOWN ON THIS PARTICULAR POINT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE YOU, JIMMY KIMMEL. SO I TURN THAT BACK ON YOU.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S MY VERSION OF SELF‐REFLECTION.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW. YOU'RE STILL THAT LITTLE BOY IN
YOUR BEDROOM UNDER THE COVER WITH THE FLASHLIGHT GOING, I
HOPE NOBODY SEES ME.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: ACTUALLY, IT WAS A PROPANE TORCH, AND THAT'S WHY
THE HOUSE BURNED DOWN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT YES.
>> I'M STILL PLEADING THE FIFTH.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE PLEADING THE FIFTH, ALL RIGHT.
TOMORROW IS ST. PATRICK'S DAY. YOU'RE FROM CHICAGO.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: WHERE THEY REALLY CELEBRATE ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
>> TURN AN ENTIRE RIVER GREEN EVERY YEAR.
>> Jimmy: AND YOU GUYS ARE ALSO ‐‐ YOU'VE BEEN HONORED
BY ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS IS IN IRELAND.
BUT WE HAVE A PHOTO OF THE BARACK OBAMA PLAZA, WHICH
APPEARS TO BE A TRUCK STOP, AT WHICH THERE ARE STATUES OF YOU
AND YOUR HUSBAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT IS REAL, PEOPLE.
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> THAT IS NOT ‐‐ THAT'S NOT PHOTOSHOP.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU BEEN TO VISIT?
>> YES, YES. IN FACT, WAS IT FIRST TERM OR
SECOND TERM? I'M GETTING IT CONFUSED.
BUT WE WENT TO IRELAND, AND WE
VISITED MENEGAL, WHICH IS A WONDERFUL TOWN, AND HE HAS MANY
COUSINS THERE. WE VISITED THE PUB, LAUGHED AND
JOKED, IT'S HIS MATERNAL GRANDMOTHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY
FROM MONEGAL. SINCE THEN SOME CAME TO THE
WHITE HOUSE TO VISIT. A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THE "O" IN
OBAMA ‐‐ JUST KIDDING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: A LITTLE APOSTROPHE AFTER IT.
>> THERE'S AN APOSTROPHE NO ONE KNEW ABOUT.
THAT'S HIS ANCESTRAL HOME IS MONEGAL.
>> Jimmy: ALSO WHEN THE LAST TIME THE TWO OF YOU GOT REALLY
DRUNK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LET'S SEE. WHAT'S TODAY? NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: MICHELLE OBAMA IS WITH US. "WAFFLES AND MOCHI" IS ON
NETFLIX. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH I THINK
PERHAPS AN IRSURMOUNTABLE CHALLENGE, AS MICHELLE OBAMA
GOES ONE ON ONE WITH MY DAUGHTER, JANE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
>> WE HAVE THIS MAGNIFICENT SPREAD OF MUSHROOMS.
>> OH, WOW. LOOK AT THIS, THIS ONE LOOKS
JUST LIKE AN ELEPHANT EAR.
>> THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S AN ELEPHANT EAR MUSHROOM.
REALLY TASTY, TOO.
>> WHERE DID YOU GET ALL THESE AMAZING MUSHROOMS?
>> A MUSHROOM FARM IN JAPAN.
>> IN JAPAN?
>> UH‐HUH.
>> YOU WENT TO JAPAN?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> YOU GUYS ARE SO BUSY.
>> I THOUGHT I WAS LIZ. BUSY.
>> WE LEARNED JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT, IT
DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T LIKE IT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THAT IS "WAFFLES AND MOCHI," THE NEW BELOVED
CHILDREN'S CHARACTERS ON NETFLIX. MICHELLE OBAMA, EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER OF THE SHOW, YOUR HUSBAND IS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF
THE SHOW AS WELL. DID HE DO ANY WORK ON THIS SHOW?
>> NO, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: NOTHING. THAT'S A QUALITY MANY EXECUTIVE
PRODUCERS SHARE. SO BY THE WAY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA
FOR A SHOW. BECAUSE IT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO
GET SOME CHILDREN TO EAT HEALTHY AND TO TRY NEW THINGS AND TRY
THINGS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD. YOU'VE GOT CHEFS ON THE SHOW,
YOU'VE GOT CELEBRITIES ON THE SHOW, YOU'VE GOT LIONEL RICHIE
ON THE SHOW ENCOURAGING KIDS TO EAT.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: HOW DID LIONEL COME TO MIND WHEN DOING A SHOW ABOUT
CHILDREN AND FOOD?
>> YOU KNOW, THE COCREATORS REACHED OUT TO A BROAD
CROSS‐SECTION. AND LIONEL RICHIE HELPS TO CLOSE
OUT THE SEASON. KIND OF IN A SURPRISE WAY THAT I
WON'T GIVE AWAY.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
>> IF YOU CAN IMAGINE, YOU KNOW.
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> HOW WOULD LIONEL RICHIE SHOW UP WITH "WAFFLES AND MOST OFFY"?
IT'S JUST AMAZING. A LOT OF CELEBRITY GUESTS WERE
EXCITED TO JOIN IN. BECAUSE YOU LOOK AT THE SCRIPT
AND YOU SEE THE STORYLINE. AND THERE'S HUMOR.
ONE OF THE COCREATORS WAS JEREMY CONNERS, COCREATOR OF "DRUNK
HISTORY." HE BRINGS THE FUNNY. IF YOU CAN IMAGINE.
SO IT'S ONE OF THESE SHOWS THAT YOU WANT TO WATCH WITH YOUR
KIDS, BUT YOU ALSO JUST WANT TO WATCH IT, RIGHT?
>> Jimmy: YES.
>> THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
AND AS A PARENT OF CHILDREN, YOU KNOW, YOU REALIZE, THERE'S NOT A
LOT OF SHOWS THAT YOU WANT TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH WITH YOUR
KIDS AND LAUGH ALONG. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE.
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU BEEN IN A SITUATION AS FIRST LADY OR OTHER
IN WHICH YOU WERE ASKED TO TRY SOMETHING FOOD‐WISE THAT YOU
REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO EAT BUT YOU HAD TO BE NICE AND EAT IT TO
BE POLITE?
>> OH. THAT'S LIKE EVERY FOREIGN TRIP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: REALLY, YEAH.
>> YOU DO A LOT OF CUTTING UP IN SMALL PIECES AND A LOT OF
SCOOTING AROUND, YOU KNOW, POLITELY SCOOTING AND MOVING.
THEN THERE ARE THE INSTANCES WHERE YOU GET ASSIGNED FROM AN
AGENT TO DON'T EAT WHAT'S ON YOUR PLATE.
>> Jimmy: OH.
>> THAT'S ‐‐ OH, THERE'S BEEN TIMES.
>> Jimmy: REALLY?
>> IT'S LIKE, DON'T TOUCH THAT, MA'AM.
>> Jimmy: BECAUSE THEY FEEL IT IS NOT SAFE?
>> THEY ‐‐ THEY'RE IN THE KITCHENS WATCHING WHAT HAPPENS.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
>> THEY KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. SO THERE ARE THOSE INSTANCES
WHERE, YOU KNOW. YOU JUST SORT OF ‐‐ YOU JUST
SORT OF TALK AND LAUGH.
>> Jimmy: YEAH. RIGHT. WOW.
>> SO YEAH. SO I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE NOT TO
WANT TO EAT SOMETHING, I WANT RELATE TO JANE.
>> Jimmy: WELL, YES. I'M GLAD YOU BROUGHT THAT UP.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK AHEAD OF YOU.
MY DAUGHTER JANE DOES NOT EAT. WELL, YOU GAVE IT ‐‐ WELL, TAKE
A LOOK AND LET'S SEE HOW MICHELLE OBAMA STACKS UP AGAINST
JANE KIMMEL, AGE 6.
>> IT'S A SETUP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY DAUGHTER, JANE.
JANE, COME ON IN. JANE?
>> JANE!
>> Jimmy: SAY HI TO MRS. OBAMA.
>> HEY THERE, JANE.
>> HI.
>> YOU LOOK LOVELY, FIRST OF ALL.
>> THANK YOU.
>> LET ME JUST SAY. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR MOM.
>> Jimmy: WHAT? HOW OLD ARE YOU, JANE?
>> 6 1/2.
>> 6 1/2, OH, THAT HALF ADDS ANOTHER LAYER OF CHALLENGES.
>> Jimmy: THE HALF IS VERY IMPORTANT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU LIKE VEGETABLES?
>> NO. I EAT AVOCADO, WHICH IS A
VEGETABLE.
>> Jimmy: SHE DOES EAT AVOCADO.
>> WELL ‐‐ SO JANE WHY DO YOU LIKE VEGETABLES?
>> BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY LIKE TO TRY NEW THINGS.
>> I KNOW. I WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I WAS YOUR
AGE, YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE TO EAT IN
THE ONLY THING I WOULD EAT FOR BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING UNTIL I
WAS 19? PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.
>> Jimmy: FOR BREAKFAST?
>> YEAH, FOR BREAKFAST. BUT HERE'S WHAT I LEARNED.
IF YOU TRY SOMETHING NEW, JUST TRY IT, THAT YOU OPEN UP YOUR
TASTE BUDS, THEN YOU'LL LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF NEW THINGS.
SO CAN I GET YOU TO TRY, JUST TRY, A VEGETABLE? JUST TRY IT.
>> NO WAY. I CAN'T.
>> THOSE ARE CARROTS.
>> NO, I CAN'T.
>> Jimmy: WHY CAN'T YOU TRY A CARROT?
>> I JUST DON'T WANT TO.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EATING A SNOWMAN'S NOSE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
IS THAT WHY YOU WON'T DO IT?
>> HAVE AN IDEA. CAN YOU HELP ME WITH SOMETHING?
>> Jimmy: CAN YOU HELP MRS. OBAMA WITH SOMETHING?
>> OH‐OH, WHAT'S THAT?
>> Jimmy: GREEN BEANS.
>> GREEN BEANS.
>> DAD, NO.
>> I'VE GOT A GAME. CAN YOU HELP TEACH YOUR DAD A
GAME THAT I LEARNED FROM TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS?
WAFFLES, AND MOCHI. WAFFLE IS A CROSS BETWEEN A
FROZEN WAFFLE AND A YETI. MOCHI'S GOT A LITTLE BITTY
MOUTH, AND MOCHI CAN'T EAT BIG THINGS.
MOCHI TAUGHT ME THIS GAME CALLED "THE SMALL BITE GAME."
DAD, CAN YOU TRY TO CUT THOSE CARROTS UP ‐‐
>> UH‐UH, NO.
>> INTO SMALL BITES? WE'RE LOSESING HER.
>> Jimmy: I TOLD YOU SHE'S TOUGH. LET'S BRING BILLY IN.
HI, BUDDY. HI, CRAZY. WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
>> IT'S BILLY!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: AND THAT'S THAT.
>> WELL, THIS WAS AN EPIC FAIL.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, YES, IT WAS.
>> THIS WAS A COMPLETE SETUP.
>> Jimmy: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GAVE IT A TRY.
>> I DID. JANE, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
CAN YOU AT LEAST WATCH "WAFFLES AND MOCHI"?
>> Jimmy: WATCH "WAFFLES AND MOCHI."
>> IT DOESN'T REQUIRE EATING ANYTHING.
>> Jimmy: YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT, YOU JUST HAVE TO WATCH TV, YOU
KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
>> RIGHT?
>> YOU KNOW I WATCH TV.
>> Jimmy: SHE'S THE BEST AT WATCHING TV FOR SURE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THANKS FOR BEING A GOOD SPORT, SWEETIE.
I'M STILL VERY PROUD OF YOU.
>> Jimmy: HOW ABOUT THIS? WILL YOU EAT THAT?
>> YES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WHAT IF WE PUT THE STRING BEANS ON THE PIZZA?
>> Jimmy: THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!
>> NO!
>> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S A BAD IDEA. THANK YOU, MRS. OBAMA, SORRY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU GAVE IT A REALLY GOOD TRY.
>> YEAH. THAT WAS A TOUGH ONE. YOU KNOW?
SHE WASN'T HAVING IT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU ARE WITH US, YOU CAN GET
GUILLERMO TO EAT SOME VEGETABLES, YES?
>> Guillermo: FOR SURE, YES.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: "WAFFLES AND MOCHI" IS THE SHOW.
IT'S AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX. IF YOU WANT TO HELP MICHELLE
OBAMA PROVIDE HEALTHY MEALS TO FAMILIES IN NEED, GO TO
WAFFLESANDMOCHI.ORG. THANK YOU, MRS. OBAMA.
IT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU. WE WILL BE BACK WITH BRIT FEE
HOWARD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: I COME TO YOU AGAIN BEARING THE GIFT OF MUSIC.
HER ALBUM IS CALLED "JAIME" WITH THE SONG "SHORT AND SWEET" FROM
THE SANCTUARY IN NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE,
BRITTANY HOWARD!
♪
♪ THERE ARE MILES BETWEEN US
TIME BETWEEN US
THERE IS SOMETHING BETWEEN US
I MAY BE A FOOL ♪
♪ TO DREAM OF YOU
BUT GOD IT FEELS SO
GOOD TO DREAM AT ALL
SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET ♪
♪ THERE'S ALWAYS A LIGHT
ON MY HEAD FOR YOU I AM WAITING
I AM WAITING ♪
♪ TIME'S ALWAYS
TRYING TO KILL ME THERE ARE MOUNTAINS
BETWEEN US ♪
♪ THERE IS TIME BETWEEN US
OH AIN'T THERE
SOMETHING BETWEEN US
SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE IF I SHOULD
DO YOU WANNA HURT ME
CUZ I'VE BEEN HURTING ALL ALONE ♪
♪ IT DIDN'T KILL ME NO
BUT IT WASN'T NO FUN
COME AND GET YOU SOME
JUST THE BEGINNING ♪
♪ I ONLY WANT THE BEGINNING
WE'LL GIVE EACH OTHER ALL OF OUR BEST AND THEN TIME CAN
DO WHAT IT WANTS WITH IT ♪
♪ THERE ARE MOUNTAINS
BETWEEN US
THERE IS TIME BETWEEN US OH AIN'T THERE ♪
♪ SOMETHING BETWEEN US
SOMETHING SHORT AND SWEET
SO WHY CAN'T I WAIT WHY CAN'T I WAIT ♪
♪ WHY CAN'T I THINK
WHY CAN'T I WAKE WITHOUT YOU ALWAYS APPEARING
OH I BETTER NOT ♪
♪ WAIT TOO LONG
CAUSE TIME IS
GONNA KILL IT ♪
♪ IS GONNA KILL IT YEAH
♪ TIME IS GONNA KILL IT TIME IS
GONNA KILL IT ♪
♪
>> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS
PRESENTED BY MERCEDES‐BENZ. THE BEST OR NOTHING.
>> Jimmy: THAT IS ALL THE TIME WE HAVE. THAT WAS A FUN ONE.
I WANT TO THANK MICHELLE OBAMA AND BRITTANY HOWARD.
APOLOGIES TO MATT DAMON. WE HONESTLY COULD HAVE SQUEEZED
HIM IN TONIGHT BUT I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT. THANK YOU FOR WATCHING, GOOD
NIGHT.