[instrumental music]
What happened to you?
We were rollerblading in Central Park.
He was checking out these two girls, lost control
and skated into a pretzel cart.
FYI, soft pretzels, not so soft.
I'm gonna go get cleaned up.
So, what did you do all day?
Oh, not a lot.
Sat around, doing nothing, waiting for you.
What?
Spa day?
Oh, my God.
We were supposed to spend the day together at the spa!
Val, I totally forgot!
[chuckles] And yet, on any given day, you can remember
which department store is giving away
a free Clinique bonus.
Hey, where you going?
I can't, the fighting..
We're not fighting.
Yeah, but your voice
it's heading into the danger tone.
Stay here. Be brave.
Look, I just thought
we've barely seen each other since you moved in.
I, I just was looking forward to spending some time with you.
What? There's no tone!
I think it's the calm before the tone.
Look, why don't we just go tomorrow?
Because tomorrow I am stuck here all day
waiting for the phone guy to come and install your new line.
Oh, that's right.
Can you make sure I get call waiting?
Okay. Prepare for the tone.
No, no. No, wait.
Why don't you two go to the spa tomorrow
and I'll wait here for the phone guy?
That's perfect! How does that sound?
I'll see if I can get us in.
The lady was not very happy with me
when I canceled at the last minute.
Her "Have a nice day," heh-heh
I just don't think she meant it.
Can you call them on the way to dinner?
We're already late.
See ya later.
Thank you so much.
I'm just glad the ugliness is over.
Wait, you're going to the spa tomorrow?
Yeah.
I thought you and Liz were going
to the record store to get
your picture taken with that guy from NSYNC.
Oh, my God. That's tomorrow?
Gary! Why didn't you say something before?
Why didn't you say something
before you let me plow into that pretzel cart?
Because that was funny.
Look, just tell Val you'll do the spa thing some other time.
No. I don't want her to think I'm flaking out on her again.
Plus, I want to go. We'll have a great time.
- So forget about the picture. - No, I can't.
Liz and I have been taking pictures with celebrities
ever since we saw Carrot Top come out of Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Look, I have a picture with every member of NSYNC
except for J.C.
Well, he is the elusive one.
Wait a second.
The spa and the record store
are like four blocks apart, right?
So?
So, if I time it out right, I can sneak out
get my picture taken with J.C.
and be back before Val even knows I left.
That works!
I guess.
Hey, is that you and Noah Wyle?
Yeah, and I was this close to George Clooney
but he freaked out.
How come?
Because I was this close to George Clooney.
♪ I just wanna say life wouldn't be the same here without you ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ Through the good and bad of all that we've been through ♪
♪ I love you ♪ ♪ Hold on to me ♪
♪ And I'll return it with nothing less than all of me ♪
♪ I'll never feel alone again ♪
♪ As you walk beside me ♪♪
[theme music]
- Hi. - How may I help you today?
Uh, we have reservations for the all-day paradise package.
- Ah. - Val and Holly Tyler.
Oh, yes. You canceled yesterday.
At the last minute.
It was all my fault.
I was rollerblading with a friend of mine
and I totally forgot about it.
Oh, so it wasn't an emergency
as I was told on the phone..
...by you.
You are fun.
Is this part of the paradise package?
Excuse me.
[whispering]
- That was rude. - Pardon?
The whispering, it was obviously about us.
So?
So, if you've got a problem with us then just say it.
Holly--
Like, if I had a problem with you
I wouldn't whisper it to my sister.
I'd just say, "Hey, Val
what's up with Judy attitude-y?"
You could've whispered it.
[knocking on door]
What's up, Jeff?
Uh...Holly isn't here. She's still at the spa.
I know, but I got a monster project due at school tomorrow
and my computer crashed. You mind if I use this?
It doesn't work.
I tried logging on a little while ago
couldn't even get my e-mail.
[automated message] 'You've got mail.'
How'd you do that?
Well, did you disable the fax line?
Disable? You mean, like, cut it?
[chuckles] No, no, but don't feel bad.
I grew up with this stuff.
A lot of people your age
have problems with the technology.
My age?
Dude, I'm only ten years older than you.
[chuckles] Oh, you mean, like, a decade?
But nice use of dude, though.
So, you think I'm old?
No...sir.
Okay, you may be younger than me
but I'm still in better shape than you are.
Oh, you think so?
Uh, yeah, I do.
[chuckles] Well, I'll tell you what.
Let's go down the block, shoot a little one-on-one.
I can't. I gotta wait here for the phone guy.
Okay. Alright, well, maybe tomorrow.
You know, 'cause I-I got plenty of time.
Do you?
Okay, that's it.
- Care to join the club? - What club?
The gun club!
Count.
One, two, go.
[both grunting]
Aha!
Whoo! Yeah!
'Oh! Oh!'
Alright, hold up, man. I'm left-handed.
Well, fine. We'll go lefty, then.
- Set? - Yep.
[both grunting]
Ah! Ha ha! Ha ha! Yeah! Yeah!
What you think about that, baby? Yeah! Ha ha!
Okay. Okay, wait a second.
It's a tie! This proves nothing.
We're gonna have to settle this another way.
Alright. How?
Okay. Um...uh..
Having a senior moment?
[instrumental music]
[blows]
Oh, my God.
Your second toe is bigger than your big toe.
It is not.
It looks like the start of a whole new foot.
[door opens]
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
There's no food allowed in the treatment area.
Oh. Sorry. Um, here you go.
[thudding]
Heads up!
- Your massage room is ready. - Great.
[blowing]
- Um, hey, Val? - Huh?
I was, uh, thinking I may skip my massage.
Why?
Just not into the whole
being-rubbed-by-a-stranger thing.
I mean, I get enough of that on the subway.
Okay, I thought we were gonna do everything together
so we could talk.
Well, we will.
I'll get a mud bath
and you'll get a massage
and when we meet back we'll have
twice as much to talk about.
Well, okay.
Ow!
Your freaky toe getting in the way?
[instrumental music]
[tapping]
Tell me again... why are we doing this?
As you get older, one of the first things to go
is hand-eye coordination.
And as you can see, I've still got reflexes like a panther!
[doorbell rings]
It's open!
You, uh...wanted a phone line installed?
Ha! Yes! I win! Whoo! Game over! Ah!
Hey, hey, hey, my ball flew off.
Hey, it's not whether you win or lose.
It's that I won, and you lost. Whoo!
But that's not fair!
Life's not fair.
- Shut up! - You shut up!
Excuse me! Is your mother home?
Uh, the phone line goes in that bedroom back there.
Just admit it! I won!
Alright, alright, you won...on a technicality.
Now sit down before you fall and break a hip.
No. No, no.
We're not gonna leave it like that.
If you're gonna go around saying
I won on a technicality
we're just gonna have to settle this another way.
- Well, fine. - Good.
Alright. Well, i-i-it's gotta be something tough.
Yeah, something only a man can handle.
- But nothing involving spiders. - Or clowns.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Liz, you at the record store?
Is J.C. as cute in person?
Cool.
Oh, no!
Nothing. I just got a spot on my shirt.
No, it's not that noticeable. Okay. See you in ten. Bye.
[knocking on door]
(Val) 'Holly?'
Val?
(Val) 'Can I come in?'
Um...uh...shouldn't you be getting massaged?
(Val) 'My masseuse is running late.'
'I wanna see you in the mud.'
Um..
- 'Coming in.' - Oh.
Hey, you!
Having fun?
Yeah.
Kinda stinky.
Well, see ya.
Bye.
This is definitely noticeable.
[instrumental music]
(male #1) Thanks, J.C.
[Holly panting]
(all) Ugh!
What? Haven't you heard mud is the new black?
In six months, you'll all be wearing it.
- Liz! - What happened to you?
No time. Do you have the camera?
Yes, it's right here.
And I have been waiting for you for a half-hour.
I had to keep on letting people cut in front of me.
Are you ready now?
Yes. Uh, let's do this fast.
- Hi. - Hi, J.C.! I'm Holly.
I'm so incredibly glad to meet you.
And I'm Liz.
Yeah, she's also glad.
Okay, nice to meet you.
Uh, you guys from New York?
Oh, I am, and she's--
Actually, don't have time to chat.
Actually, you didn't have time to take a shower, either.
[laughs] You're awesome.
Alright, can we have a picture with you real quick?
Yeah, sure.
Great.
Wait, do I have anything in my teeth?
Honey, it's the only place you don't have something.
Alright, let's, let's shoot it.
[camera shutter clicks]
Oh, wait. Uh, I blinked.
- Can we do it again? - Nope.
You're even cuter in person. Ha ha.
Oh.. Alright. Liz, call you later.
I bet Justin doesn't have to do this.
[instrumental music]
[panting]
Excuse me.
Just where do you think you're going?
Back to my mud bath.
I'm sorry.
We have a strict "No re-entry" policy.
Where does it say that?
Right here.
No re-entry.
Look...I am trying to spend a nice day with my sister.
Problem is, she's in there, and I'm out here.
So would you please just give me a break?
Hmm...what should "Judy attitude-y" do?
Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot.
What do you say we just put the past behind us and be friends?
Could you please buzz me in?
Happy to.
[buzzer sounds]
Thank you, friend.
Phillip, would you please escort this young lady out?
Sure.
Alright, lady. You just lost a friend!
And it's too bad for you
'cause I throw really elaborate surprise parties..
...with pinatas!
[instrumental music]
[grunting]
Wow. I'm impressed.
Yep. Not bad for an old guy, huh?
No, no, not you. The sheets.
They're so soft.
Yep, 600 thread count.
I bought them for Val's birthday.
[clattering]
Well, that's it. We're out of sheets.
Excuse me.
Phone lines are all set. Can I get a signature?
Sure.
There you go.
If you don't mind me asking
what's with all the little competitions?
He called me old.
Well, he said he was in better shape than me.
So that's how you're gonna settle it?
Paddleballs and tearing sheets?
- Thumb war. - Bring it.
(both) One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.
Guys, guys, guys! This isn't gonna prove anything.
Listen, if you really wanna settle this
I have a real competition for you.
- What you got? - It's the ultimate test.
It involves speed, strength, endurance..
...maybe a little ice-skating.
No clowns, right?
Or spiders.
[instrumental music]
Mmm.
[woman sighs]
[gasps]
What's happening?
Mud masseuse.
Oh, I didn't order a mud-bath massage.
Um...you won it!
We have a free drawing every day.
Oh, well, huh, in that case..
...go ahead.
[sighs]
Oh-h-h, yeah.
Ooh!
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Try and go to your quiet place.
[cell phone ringing]
Who's calling me in my quiet place?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot to turn off my cell phone.
Oh, it's my fiance.
Oh. Go ahead, take it.
No. I really shouldn't.
No, it's fine. Go ahead.
Okay, thanks.
Hi, sweetie.
I thought we had plans tonight.
John, how many times are you gonna pull this?
Um, should I..
[whispering] No, it's fine.
[shouting] Shut up!
Look, if you wanna flush seven years down the freakin' toilet
just so you can go guzzle beer with your stupid friends
then do it. No, do it!
Do it, I said!
How's that shoulder feeling?
Good. Good.
What are you doing?
Phase two?
Um, I get in here with you
for, uh, better massage leverage.
Oh, well, should I turn over
so you can do my glutes?
No! Someone else comes in for that.
[knocking on door]
(Val) 'Holly!'
Are you here for my glutes?
What?
Holly, what's going on? Who is this?
Uh...I'm sorry, what?
Oh, my God! Where did you come from?
- I'm calling the manager. - No, wait! Don't do that!
Assistance!
Give me my foot!
Holly, give her her foot!
Oh! Assistance! Oh!
Mrs. Boshwit.. Oh! What is the problem?
She's the problem.
In all my years of mud-bathing
this is the worst.
And I must say, this is no way to treat a contest winner.
How did you get back in here?
"Back in?" Where were you?
What is this?
Uh, that's mine!
Let me see this.
Why is there a picture of you and Liz and..
Who is this?
J.C. from NSYNC.
J.C.?
Phillip, please, take Mrs. Boshwit to the steam room.
I am so sorry about this.
Would you please tell me what the hell's going on here?
I'll tell you what's going on here. She--
That's okay. I want to hear it from her.
Well...I kinda left for a while
to meet Liz and to get our picture taken with J.C.
You left?
So all that stuff about you not wanting a massage was--
A lie.
Thanks. I've got this.
If you didn't wanna spend the day with me
why didn't you just say so?
I wanted to spend the day with you.
I also wanted to get that picture taken.
I didn't want you to think I was flaking out on you again.
You mean you didn't want me to find out you were flaking on me.
Don't you think that's kind of--
Selfish?
Seriously, okay?
This is unbelievable.
I know. I-I made a huge mistake.
No, I did.
I thought I could treat you like an adult
but, apparently, you're still--
A brat.
Lady, you cannot call my sister a brat.
Actually, I can call anyone anything I like.
Now...you...and the brat... get out.
Okay. Let's go.
[sighs]
[woman screams]
[splashes]
Nice!
Still mad.
Totally understandable.
[instrumental music]
I really did have fun with you today.
Mm-hmm, you mean the part of the day
when you weren't sneaking out or running away?
Well, the parts we did spend together were great.
Remember all the laughs we had making fun of your giant toe?
It is not that big!
You could hitchhike with that thing.
See how much fun we're having now?
You know, if you would have told me about the whole J.C. thing
I would have gone with you.
Really? You'd want to meet J.C.?
I'd want to hang out with you
doing whatever, it doesn't matter.
Except one of those carriage rides in the park.
I can't deal with that bag under the horse.
Sorry I wrecked our day.
Just don't let it happen again, okay?
Brat.
Hi.
Who are you?
Oh, I installed your phone line.
Well, isn't it customary for you to then leave?
Yes, that is our policy.
Where's Jeff?
He should be back any second.
Actually, you might want to step away from the door.
[Jeff screaming]
[panting]
[blowing]
[whistles]
We have a whistle and a winner!
Yes! Yes! That's right! That's right!
Who's older now? Tell me, who's older now?
You are.
I need a nap.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]