[instrumental music]
I'm late. Late, late, late.
Hurry.
[whirring]
Oh! Careful.
[sighs]
[music continues]
[spits]
All yours.
[door opens and shuts]
♪ I just wanna say life wouldn't be the same her without you ♪
♪ We are family ♪
♪ Through the good and bad of all that we've been through ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Hold on to me and I'll return it ♪
♪ With nothing less than all of me ♪
♪ I'll never feel alone again ♪
♪ As you walk beside me ♪♪
[theme music]
[instrumental music]
Oh, where is my sweater?
Holly, have you seen my blue sweater?
It was in my closet in the blue-sweater section.
It's a baby-blue, long-sleeve, mock turtleneck
with pockets in the front.
Hi! Once again, thank you for letting me live here.
I am so psyched I didn't have to move to Japan with dad.
Once again, you're welcome.
Are you gonna hug me like this every morning?
No, sometimes I'm gonna hug you like this!
[sighs]
Um, pink poodles.
Is that from the Barbie junior-executive collection?
Actually, I was gonna wear something else
but I went in my closet and--
Hated everything in it?
Same with me.
And then I remembered I have a new roommate
with excellent taste.
Bet you didn't know you had this little number in there, did ya?
Actually, I..
Excellent taste?
You think I have excellent taste?
Please. Your closet could kick any other closet's butt.
If closets had butts and stuff.
[pops]
- Hey. - Hey.
You coming by the restaurant today after school?
[muffled] Hot Pop-Tart.
Hop Pop-Tart.
Hop hop hop.
Am I down with the kids or what?
- What are you doing here? Muah. - Mmm.
Nothing. I just came by.
I was wondering if you had a couple minutes
maybe talk, chat it up...et cetera.
- Ahh, et cetera. - Oh, no, no, no.
It's just, you know, we haven't had that much time alone lately
to talk or chat or..
Et cetera.
I like your shirt.
It's so sexy.
You think pink poodles are sexy?
It's been a very long time.
I know, baby. For me too.
But it's just been really hard to find time with Holly here
and I s-still feel sort of weird
with you spending the night and her living here.
Oh, no problem. I totally understand.
You know, when you think about it
we're basically alone right now.
When you think about it, we basically are.
- Heh heh. - Mmm.
What is with this city?
Doesn't anyone watch where they're going?
- No. - No.
Sorry about your sweater.
I'll work on that stain when I get home.
Bye, guys. See ya.
[door opens and closes]
Hey, look, we're alone again.
Huh, yeah.
Just me, you, and some very sexy poodles.
[both chuckle]
You want to put a little club soda on that stain?
Oh, God, you are so sweet.
[instrumental music]
Holly?
[chuckles]
Oh!
- Hey, welcome home! - Hey, welcome home!
What are you guys doing in my room?
Watching "The Matrix" on DVD.
- Why? - Widescreen format.
Director's commentary.
No. Why are you watching it in my room?
My player's broken.
So I said it'd be cool if we watched it in here.
Oh. Okay.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
How great is my sister? I mean, is she not the best?
Uh, she better be the best
because if there's anybody better
that's just too much good.
- What? - Let it go.
Let it go. Let it go.
We can start it over again if you want to watch it with us.
Yeah. Please.
Join us.
No, I don't think so.
I'm just gonna go in the living room and read on the couch
my second-favorite lying-down place.
She seem a little tense to you?
Oh, she always gets flustered around me.
[instrumental music]
Oh, somebody's having a birthday?
- Yeah, looks like. - You want us to help sing?
Oh, no. We don't really do that here.
Well, that doesn't seem very friendly.
What kind of restaurant doesn't sing "Happy Birthday?"
My restaurant, my rules.
I thought your dad owned this place.
Uh-huh. He owns it, I manage it.
And you can't manage to sing "Happy Birthday?"
I can manage to cut off your free cheesecake.
"Happy Birthday" is a stupid song.
Hey, guys.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Hey, honey. - Muah.
Hi, Gary.
Hello, Val.
Nice to see you.
Uh, you have milk right here.
I know.
Gary and I are gonna go to the used-CD store.
You want to come?
No, I think I'll hang out here for a minute.
Okay. See you back at the apartment.
Alright.
Hey, can you stick around for a while?
Oh, yeah, sure.
It's not like I'm in a hurry to get home or anything.
Uh-oh. You guys aren't fighting, are you?
I know how sisters can be.
You have two brothers.
But I have seen "Ya-Ya Sisterhood."
That's about a mother and a daughter.
Weren't you paying attention at all?
Yeah.
Oh, please don't make me watch it again.
We're not fighting.
It's just living with a 16-year-old
is a little more problematic than I had expected.
Have you said anything to her?
No. I can't. She's so grateful.
It's hard to yell at somebody for using all the hot water
when they're constantly thanking you for saving their life.
Could be worse. You could still be living with Roberta.
True. At least Holly doesn't have dandruff on her arms.
The thing is I-I was
I was kind of looking forward
to having the apartment all to myself, you know?
You're not sorry Holly moved in, are you?
Oh, God, no, no. No, I'm glad she's here.
It's just..
[sighs]
I-I thought it would be kind of fun to, I don't know
clean the hair out of the drain and know that it's all mine.
Uh...not that it matters
but how much hair are you losing?
Look, look, just give it some time.
It's like Sandra Bullock said in "Ya-Ya Sisterhood"
"I'll learn what you like, and you'll learn what I like
and everything will be fine."
Sandra Bullock never said that.
Yeah, she did. Maybe you weren't paying attention.
When?
In the scene in the middle where-where..
Oh, please don't make me watch it again.
[instrumental music]
[telephone ringing]
[ringing continues]
I got it.
Hello?
Oh, my God.
Who is it? What's the matter?
Are you serious? Where?
Who's serious? How serious? Is it nana?
Which hospital?
Nana's in the hospital? Oh..
- Which hospital? - St. Luke's?
St. Luke's. Okay. Okay, you go get dressed.
I'm gonna go down and get us a cab.
Where are my keys? Holly, have you seen my keys?
Where are you going?
To the hospital to see nana.
Nana's in the hospital?
I-isn't that.. Didn't you just..
Who are you talking to?
My friend Liz. She was at the hospital today.
She thought she saw Gwen Stefani
and she went up to her, and it totally wasn't her.
[laughs] You are so lame.
Gotta go.
So you scared me half to death
because your friend
saw not Gwen Stefani?
That's a reason to wake me up at 1 o'clock in the morning?
She looked a lot like Gwen Stefani.
My heart is racing.
I am never gonna be able to get back to sleep now.
I'm sorry. I guess I just wasn't thinking about--
About me? No, you haven't been.
You know what, we really have to do something
about these living arrangements because this
it just isn't working out.
- It's not? - No, it is not.
And to tell you the truth
I am not very happy right now.
And you are never to tell anyone you saw me in these glasses.
[instrumental music]
Val..
...I'm so sorry about last night.
I mean, you're right.
I've been so incredibly thoughtless
and I just want to make it up to you.
Great. I have just the thing.
It's called the good roommate chart
or, as I like to call it, the G.R.C.
Everything you need to know about being
a good roommate is right here.
You know what?
This is exactly the kind of structure that I need.
How does it work?
Okay, say you want to go into my room
and borrow my DVD player
but you don't know if it's okay.
You look under "Privacy Issues"
cross-reference "Borders and Boundaries"
subheading "Bedroom," and right there's your answer.
"A good roommate never enters another roommate's bedroom
without permission."
Kind of fun, huh?
The best kind of fun, 'cause you learn somethin', too.
Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
What are you doing here?
Holly hasn't left for school yet, huh?
It's Saturday.
It isn't 2006 either, is it?
Stupid Palm Pirate.
Isn't it called Palm Pilot?
Not if you buy it off a guy in a van.
Same guy who sold you the Rulex?
So what are you so dressed up for?
Oh, I'm meeting a client for breakfast.
- Ooh. - Oh. I'm sorry, baby.
Were you hoping for some alone time?
No, no, no. I just came by to see your pretty face.
I had no expectations.
Oh! Ow! What is this?
"Barry White, The Love Album?"
Okay, I may have had some expectations.
I promise, promise, promise we will find time alone
but I got to go right now, okay?
See you later, bug.
- Bye. - Bye.
Hey, what's that?
It's the good roommate chart, the G.R.C.
Oh, yeah. She gave me the G.B.C., good boyfriend chart.
[Jeff sighs]
It was issued to me right after
a very unfortunate pull-my-finger incident.
I heard.
[instrumental music]
Hey. You ready?
Movie starts in a half an hour.
Hang on. Let me put these dishes away
because "A good roommate cleans and puts away dishes
within 20 minutes of use."
Oh, so that's the G.R.C., huh?
Definitely for girl roommates.
The guys would be like
"Could you at least keep your pizza in your bed?"
Alright, I'm ready. Let's go.
Oh, I need my "Matrix" DVD.
No! Wait!
What?
Girl, calm down, okay?
I'll get you one for your birthday!
No, you can't go into Val's room.
"A good roommate never goes into another roommate's bedroom
without permission."
It'll only take two seconds.
Forget it. This thing is, like, my Bible, okay?
- You're kidding me, right? - No.
And neither was Val when she said, "I'm not happy."
And if she's not happy
then I'm on my way to live with my dad in Japan.
Look, Holly, I have got to get that movie.
- It's really important. - Why?
Because I told Patricia Franks that I'd give it to her
when I saw her tonight
and maybe I can even weasel my way
into watching it with her
if you know what I mean.
Do you know what you mean?
No.
Alright, you have two seconds to get in there and get out.
- Be right back. - Fast!
(Gary) Alright.
Holly, it's not in the box.
(Holly) 'Look in the machine.'
'Hurry up!'
- It's stuck. - 'What?'
- I can't get it out. - Gary, come on.
[grunting]
Aah! Oh!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.
See, it, uh, it slides back in.
She'll never know we were in here.
The stuffed animals.
We'll throw 'em a tea party later and make it up to 'em.
She puts them in exact order.
She sees one out of place
then she'll know we've been in here.
Okay. Calm down, calm down, calm down.
Okay, uh, uh, we'll figure out where they go.
Uh, luckily, I've got a photographic memory.
Got it?
Maybe I was thinking of peripheral vision.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey, hon.
- How's it going? - We've been slammed all night.
There's two conventions in the hotel down the street
the kitchen's backed up, and we're all out of garnish.
Wow, it's too bad you're so busy.
Holly's going to the movies, and I'm gonna be home all alone
et cetera.
Ronnie, I'm going out for garnish.
[instrumental music]
No! Val would never put Mr. Noodles next to Pooh.
Well, what do I know?
I'm the moron who thought that Sneezer Beagle
would get along with Cookie Bunny.
I know it sounds weird
but she's done it ever since she was, like, five.
She had a dream where all her stuffed animals came to life
and played with each other when she wasn't around.
So she puts them in, like, playgroups?
Yeah.
In case they do come to life?
I'd rather not talk about this.
[giggles]
Val!
Closet!
Gary!
Are you sure it's okay if you leave the restaurant?
I've got an assistant manager. Let him assist.
Hey, there's something different about this room.
Oh, yeah. I'm in it.
Pina colada.
[Jamaican accent] I like it, man.
- Hello. - Hello. Mmm.
Hold on.
[Barry White singing "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe"]
(Barry White on stereo) 'I've heard people say..'
[Jamaican accent] I like it, man.
- Come here. - 'Heh.'
Whoo!
So, what was the very first thing that attracted you to me?
The very first thing?
You want me to be totally honest?
Yes.
Your teeth.
[ripping]
Hey, what's Sneezer Beagle doing on the top shelf?
Tim turtle, Pooh..
'Everybody's all moved around.'
Maybe they come to life when you're not here.
Kidding.
[laughs] I know.
[ripping]
Ohh! Oh!
Holly, what?
- It's all my fault! Aah! - Aah!
Oh, uh, I can explain. I-I can explain.
- It's all my fault. - Okay, everyone, stop.
Stop moving. Stop moving!
Thank you.
Now, is there anyone else in my room I should know about?
I believe I hear Barry White.
[sighs] You, off my bed!
- Oh! - Sorry.
Jeff, would you excuse us, please?
I would like to talk to my sister.
Sure.
Oh, I feel so bad. This is all my fault.
What were you guys doing in there, man?
I just went in to get my movie.
You like this movie?
I love that movie. I'm, like, obsessed with it.
It's one of those movies where I'm like
"Man, I would love to be one of those characters."
You want to be one of the "Ya-Ya" sisters?
What? No, no, no.
No, I went in there to get "The Matrix," man.
"The Mat.." This must be Val's.
You want free cheesecake for a year?
- Sure. - Make it disappear.
Aren't you gonna say something?
Why don't you start?
Okay. Val, I feel terrible--
Okay, my turn.
You want to know how I feel?
I feel, um, embarrassed.
I feel disappointed, hurt, angry.
And I have to tell you, I feel a little
taken advantage of here.
I never meant to do that.
I mean, I knew we would have to make adjustments
both of us, but it really seems like your adjustments
are a whole lot more fun than my adjustments.
I'm sorry.
Me too. I'm sorry, too.
I-I think the best thing would be for you to just--
I know. You don't even have to say it.
I'll call dad and tell him it's not working out.
What are you talking about?
You want me to move out.
Isn't that what you were going to say?
No, I was gonna tell you to have
Gary go to the movies without you.
You want to move out?
No. I mean, I love living here
but...yesterday you said you weren't happy
and I'm assuming that destroying your bed
and collapsing on your boyfriend
wasn't exactly a mood lifter.
Listen..
...when I asked you to move in here
I wasn't doing you a favor because you're my sister.
I want you here
and not just on a trial basis.
It's for as long as you want to stay, okay?
Okay. And from now on
I'll follow the G.R.C. to every colorful letter.
Listen, maybe the chart system isn't for everyone
although it does work for Jeff, but he's special.
Why don't from now on, when things come up
we just talk about 'em?
Okay. That sounds good.
Wanna talk?
[instrumental music]
Fire in the hole.
[blow-dryer whirring]
- Ah! - Ah!
[music continues]
[spits]
We'll get it.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]