[instrumental music]
That's what I thought. Hey, you're home!
Uh, I know it looks like I'm home, but I'm not.
- Ow! - No, you're home.
Which means we can go shopping for my dress today.
No, we can't. I still have a ton of work to do.
Come on, Liz's party is on Friday
and you promised you'd help me find the perfect dress!
Yes, and I will
as soon as I come up with a new PR campaign
for the New Jersey Board of Tourism.
I got it. New Jersey.
It's supposed to smell like this.
- Hey, gang. - Hi.
Guess what I got right here in my pocket, huh?
I'll give you a hint. It's right next to my Bono glasses.
(Holly) 'Oh.'
I-I, I hope it's a receipt for those glasses.
It's the tickets to tonight's U2 concert!
[sighs] I'm sorry. I can't go anywhere until I come up
with a brilliant campaign for New Jersey.
You're gonna miss U2? It's in the luxury suite!
The luxury suite? Well, how'd you guys score those?
Jeff's ex-girlfriend, Dana, is an editor at "Vogue."
And three, two, one.
She used to be a model.
- Whoo-hoo! A model? Damn! - I-I know!
Uh, but we broke up 'cause, you know, she was gross.
Jeff, you don't have to do that.
I think I can handle the fact that you used to date a model.
She was featured in "Maxim!"
Tramp.
Ah, this sucks! You can't go, Dana's boyfriend can't go.
Oh, wow, this does suck 'cause now you can't go either.
Excuse me?
It was one thing when I was going and Dana's boyfriend
was going but now there's no me and no boyfriend
which leaves you and your ex-girlfriend.
Who's a former model.
Thanks, dude.
So what, you don't trust me?
I don't trust her. I don't trust Dana.
Look, Val, I love you.
I have no feelings for Dana
and I'm dying to see U2
but if you're really worried about it
then, fine, I won't go.
- Case closed. - What if I go?
Case reopened.
Well, then I should go, too.
Uh, trust me, no one ever has sex when I'm around.
You know what, Jeff? I'm, I'm being ridiculous.
If you really wanna go to the concert, then go.
- Have a great time. - You're the best.
Mwah!
Holly.
You make sure that boyfriend-stealing tramp
keeps her hands off Jeff.
She even looks at him, go for the eyes.
[growls]
♪ I just wanna say ♪
♪ Life wouldn't be the same here without you ♪
♪ Without you ♪ ♪ Through the good and bad ♪
♪ Of all that we've been through ♪
♪ I love you ♪ ♪ Hold onto me ♪
♪ And I'll return it with nothing less ♪
♪ Than all of me ♪
♪ I'll never feel alone again ♪
♪ As you walk beside me ♪♪
Ooh, these seats are so comfortable.
I'm loving the luxury suite.
I feel like a dictator looking down on the masses.
I decree that there be beer and nachos
for all of the people of the crappy loge seats!
[laughs]
Hey, who-who's the dude with the luxury hairdo?
That's Craig Miller.
He owns hotels, casinos, office buildings--
So he's loaded. Doesn't mean he's happy.
Oh, God, let me be that unhappy just once.
- Hey! - Hey, Dana.
- 'Thanks for the tickets.' - Welcome.
Hi!
Hey, Dana, I'm Holly, Val's sister.
Val really wishes she could have been here tonight
because she and Jeff are in a committed relationship.
Um, okay. It's nice to meet you. I love that jacket.
Oh, my sister, Jeff's girlfriend, picked it out.
She has style, class, brains and beauty.
Those are the big four, says Jeff.
[laughs]
Hi, are you Gary?
You were in "Maxim."
Hi, "Maxim."
[crowd cheering]
Oh, Bono, I love you!
Oh, my God, that was so incredible!
It was like Bono was singing just to me
which is weird 'cause he barely knows me.
Hey, iced tea dude, you thinking what I'm thinking?
Luxury toilet.
Wow, Jeff looks really good!
[chuckles] I don't know, there's a sadness to his eyes.
I think he misses Val.
Holly, I get it, okay?
I'm not going after your sister's boyfriend.
Sorry, I guess I just got a little overprotective.
Totally understand.
Val's lucky to have a little sister like you.
I wish I had one.
So you work at "Vogue," huh?
- Yeah. - That's really cool.
Well, if you like celebrities and parties
high pay, gorgeous men.
Now, those are the big four, says Holly.
[laughs]
So I have a question.
Last month there was a picture of Natalie Portman
wearing this amazing dress.
I know the exact dress.
Well, I've been looking for something like it.
Any chance it's from Old Navy?
[laughs]
What if I told you that I could get you
that exact dress for free?
Are you serious?
Yeah. I'll pull it for you tomorrow.
Wow! Thank you.
[Craig clears throat]
- Oh, my God! - Craig, are you okay?
- Are you okay? - I think he's choking!
- Somebody help him! - Excuse me, excuse me.
- Oh, my God. - 'Oh! '
- Oh, oh! - Oh.
[all gasp]
Gary, you just saved Craig Miller's life!
Oh, no, stop calling me a hero.
I only did what any ordinary man would do
in the presence of a dying bajillionaire.
Oh, man, I thought that was it.
Thanks, man.
Get his name and address.
I'm gonna send you something.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Miller, but that's really not necessary.
Well, you just saved my life. I'd like a chance to repay you.
That's Thorpe, Gary Thorpe, with an E.
Hockey sucks.
You know, the fights are fixed, like in wrestling.
You are so..
Seriously? Where'd you hear that?
[cell phone ringing]
Oh, that's me.
Hm. Hello?
Oh, yeah. Hey, Dana.
Dana? What does she want?
Oh, my God, are you kidding?
Of course, I still want the dress.
Dress? What dress?
Okay, yeah, well, let me just check my schedule
and I'll call you back with the time.
- Jeff says hi. - No, I didn't!
Why is she calling you?
Because she hooked me up with Natalie Portman's dress
for my party.
No, no, no.
No dress, no Dana.
- Dana's off limits. - What?
Val does not like Dana!
She wouldn't want her calling you
hooking you up with dresses, being all buddy-buddy
braiding each other's hair!
Is that what you think girls do?
No.
Look, Dana's just being nice. She's a nice person.
Listen to me, okay? You don't realize it yet.
But you're being sucked into the Dana vortex.
- What? - The Dana vortex!
She has this way of making life seem really exciting
'cause of the people she knows and the things she does
and you think she's a really nice person
but really, she's a bad person with nice skin.
[keys jingling]
- Oh, hey. - Hey, you're home.
Yeah, but I can't stay, I've got to go back to New Jersey
tonight and all day tomorrow.
It's only been two days and I already hate that state.
- Think you found your slogan. - I'm glad you guys are here.
Now I can give you these in person.
"I owe you one romantic evening."
Aw! You even drew little stick figures of us.
- Look, we're playing leapfrog. - Oh, no, not leapfrog.
Oh, right.
- Here's one for you. - Oh, oh.
"I owe you one dress-shopping trip."
Saturday, Bloomingdale's. I'm all yours.
- Oh, aw.. - Doesn't that sound great?
Just you and your sister shopping for that special dress.
Yeah, this sounds great.
Thanks, Val.
Okay, I got to get going. There's a car downstairs.
Oh, a-about this "I owe you" thing
uh, this drawing of me?
You're kind of stingy with one of my sticks.
So, Gary, what do you think that rich guy's gonna give you?
I haven't given it that much thought.
I'm just glad I was there to help.
My sense of satisfaction is reward enough.
But I wouldn't say no to an above-ground pool.
Um, I'm looking for Gary Thorpe.
- That's me. - Hi, I'm Jill.
I'm an intern for Craig Miller.
- Are you the gift? - Uh..
That's cute.
And I'm serious.
No, Mr. Miller wanted me to give you this.
Ooh, tickets! [laughs]
'"Bob The Builder On Ice."'
That's.. H-how did he know?
Now, you and your guest will have
Mr. Miller's luxury suite all to yourselves
and after the show you can both go backstage
and meet Bob the Builder.
Bob himself, huh?
[chuckles] Exquisite.
Alright, well, one guest.
Uh, hey, you know, this is gonna cause
quite a rift among my friends.
So, uh, uh, why don't I just take you?
Well, sure. Okay. Sounds fun.
I'm sorry, what?
I said yes.
So now what happens?
Well, how's about I meet you there?
See you tonight.
What was that all about?
You have a date with that girl tonight.
Well, I-I'm gonna be all alone i-in a, in a luxury suite
with a hot smokin' female. Wha..
What if she wants me to talk to her?
Do you think she wants me to talk to her?
Of course she's gonna want you to talk to her.
Oh, well, this is not good!
Sometimes I say stupid stuff.
The prettier the girl, the stupider the stuff.
Look, before you speak, think about what you're gonna say
and then say it.
Or I could keep lots of food handy
and-and every time I start to say something stupid
I-I can jam it in my mouth before anything even comes out.
What do you think of that?
I think you're gonna gain a lot of weight.
[sighs] What do you think?
Oh, my God!
I cannot believe I am wearing Natalie Portman's dress.
You're definitely gonna be the hottest girl at the party.
Well, thanks to you. This dress is so amazing!
[door opens]
Well, well, well. What have we here?
Look at that dress. Doesn't she look fabulous?
Yeah, I like the way the color brings out
the guilt in her eyes.
[laughs]
I never got your humor.
Alright, well, I've got to run.
I've got a shoot with Gwen Stefani
and then we're all gonna go over to the D bar on Bleecker.
You should swing by if you can.
- Sure, I'd love to! - Mwah, mwah.
- Two kisses. How fancy. - See ya.
- Bye! - Bye.
- Okay, it's not what you think! - Oh, really?
'Cause I think you promised your sister
you were gonna go with her to get a dress
but you went behind her back and got it from Dana instead.
Oh, it is what you think.
Look, Holly, I've been where you are.
You're in the heart of the Dana vortex.
- It is not safe! - Oh, please, Jeff.
This is no different than you getting tickets from her.
- Luxury suite, luxury dress. - Th-that's totally different.
I wasn't sneaking around behind Val's back.
Look.
I thought I could have this dress
and Val wouldn't know, and everything would be okay.
But it's not okay 'cause you know if Val found out
this would really hurt her feelings.
You're right.
Wow. Look at me.
Communicating effectively with a teenage girl.
- But-- - Uh-oh.
It's just like how you think it's okay to stay friends
with your ex-girlfriend when you know that deep down
it really bothers Val.
Crap!
Okay. That's it.
We're both breaking up with Dana.
I don't get anymore concert tickets
and you gotta take back that dress.
Good call. Right after this party
this dress is so out of my life.
[clears throat]
Okay, I'll take the dress back after the party.
Okay, I'll do it today!
What are you doing here, anyway?
Oh, I'm on my lunch break.
Can't you eat at the restaurant?
I did, but when I nap in my office
the busboys always mess with me.
Look at Bob!
He and the machines just built a gazebo.
Ho ho! And he lands the triple lutz.
Everyone at the office is talking about
how you saved Mr. Miller's life.
- What did it feel like? - Oh, it was a rush.
I mean, the first time you, you stand behind a man
and your arms are wrapped around him
and you're squeezing him tight and..
[chuckles] Well, you know, I didn't mean what..
You know, Gary, I'm really glad
you asked me to come tonight.
[laughter]
Hey, Dana.
- Hey, Holly! - Hi!
Everybody, this is Holly, my new little sister
that I've been telling you about.
- Hi, guys. - I want a new little sister.
Well, she's mine. You can't have her.
[laughs] C-come on, ladies
there's plenty of Holly to go around!
Cosmo, cosmo.
And for the young lady?
Oh, nothing. I can't stay.
I just came by to give you this.
What do you mean, you can't stay?
You sit your cute, little tushie down next to Niki.
I know, and look at that figure!
What do you do to stay in shape?
Oh, nothing really.
I just signed up for AP History
so my backpack weighs like 40 pounds.
[laughter]
Well, I guess I could stay for a second.
Um, so I'll have a virgin martini.
A martini without the alcohol
would be a glass of olives.
That's perfect.
And a ginger ale.
Hey, Holly, I spoke to the hair and makeup people
at the magazine and the night of your party
they are gonna make you look fabulous.
That is so incredible. You did not have to do that.
Oh, come on. How long will it take to make you fabulous?
- Two minutes? - Niki, you're fabulous.
- Come on, double kiss. - Oh..
(both) Mwah. Mwah.
Hey, Holly, Dana, everybody.
Jeff, what are you doing here?
Isn't it obvious? He's following me.
Twice in one day?
Actually, I came to talk to Holly.
Got a sec?
Excuse me for just one second, ladies.
- What are you doing here? - Making sure you end this.
Come on, I got to let her down easy!
- Why? - Because she's a sweet kid.
I can't just kick her to the curb.
You're in the vortex.
I am hanging out with my friends.
We're having drinks, exchanging witty banter.
I am not in the vortex
I'm in my own episode of "Sex And The City!"
Good. You decided to stay.
So where's Val?
Did she let you off your leash tonight?
No, no. She's been working crazy hours lately, traveling.
Oh.
Hey, some of us are gonna go out to The Hamptons this weekend
and you guys should come.
Like I said, Val's got to work.
Well, then you should come.
Don't you think that would be a little..
If you play your cards right, it might be a lot.
Well, Dana, I know we're all grown up and sophisticated here
but what the hell are you doing?
What?
You're hitting on my sister's boyfriend.
Jeff is not gonna do anything that he doesn't wanna do.
Are you, Jeff?
You hear that sucking sound?
That's the vortex.
[clears throat] Look, I'm not going to The Hamptons with you.
Yeah, that's right, because he loves Val.
Yeah, and I would never do anything to hurt her.
So thanks, anyway but I won't be needing anymore concert tickets.
Yeah, and you know what? I am not your little sister.
I know. My little sister wouldn't be this uncool.
Hey!
And you can have your stupid
Natalie Portman dress back.
Too bad, I was gonna give you
those Kate Hudson shoes to wear with it.
The gold ones with the little T-straps?
Uh-huh.
You are the devil!
[applause]
You know, I thought that was gonna be really stupid
but it was funny and I learned a lot about spackle and grout.
Uh-huh.
So I was thinking
maybe you could walk me back to my place?
I could just grab my coat and we can go.
Yeah. Walk.
Go.
Are you there, God?
I-it's me, Gary.
Look, man, I promise
I will never ask you for anything again
as long as I live
if you could just find it in your power
to get my food-filled body up off this chair
so I can walk that smokin' female home.
Whew!
Oh, that's cool, Lord.
I understand I have been gluttonous.
[panting]
Hey. You okay?
[sighs] No, not really. I'm too full to get up.
Look, Jill, have a seat.
[sighs] Look.
Sometimes when I get around pretty women
I get stupid.
And the prettier they are, the stupider I get.
And being with you tonight
I have never felt so stupid.
Oh! That is one of the nicest things
anyone has ever said to me.
So, you know, I, I thought if I kept eating I wouldn't say
stupid stuff 'cause, you know, my mouth would be busy.
You know, I have a better way of doing that.
I'll go see if they have something for your stomach.
You just sit and digest.
[elevator bell dings]
How am I gonna tell Val what I did?
How about if I make it easy for you?
I'm thinking we don't tell Val at all.
I mean, telling her is only gonna hurt her for no reason
so why don't we just keep this between us?
What, so I just hide this from her
and live with the crushing guilt?
I like it.
Oh, attention, shoppers
who here needs to be the hottest girl at the party?
Have you been reading my diary?
What is this?
Well, I was in New Jersey checking out the Garden State's
seventh biggest tourist attraction, the Paramus Mall
and I met this woman who worked at the Pretzel Place.
Her sister works at Bloomingdale's.
I told her about your dress situation.
Instead of us going to Bloomingdale's
Bloomingdale's came to us.
Look, I have to tell you something.
No, no, no.
She is my sister, she deserves to know!
What? What? What is it?
Jeff sneaks into our apartment
and takes naps when we're not here.
- Thanks for this. - You're welcome.
I don't suppose there's anything on that rack for me.
Actually, there is.
You have been reading my diary.
[chuckles]
[instrumental music]
[theme music]