[instrumental music]
[indistinct chatter on TV]
- Hey, Val. - Yep.
Would you make me a grilled cheese sandwich?
Why can't you do it?
'Cause it tastes better when you do it.
And you're pretty.
Okay.
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
I thought you were at a convention in Minneapolis.
Uh, I'm taking a later flight.
I just wanna spend a little extra time with milady.
- Mmm. - Mwah.
Could you not do that right now?
Milady was making a grilled cheese for mi-belly.
So, what are you guys gonna do while I'm gone?
Well, I'm gonna spend some quality time with my sister.
Yeah, we haven't really decided what we're gonna do yet.
Yes, we have. A Meryl Streep film festival.
Another one?
Didn't we just have a Meryl Streep film festival?
Only her comedies.
- Those were comedies? - Those were comedies?
Tonight, we will be screening
eight of her most dramatic roles.
I can pop one in. You probably have time.
Right.
Oh, uh, except the new security
at the airport's really tight.
They want you to get there, uh
eight hours and 50 minutes ahead.
You're milady.
- Mm. - Mwah.
Hey, now I'm mi-screwed.
♪ I just wanna say life wouldn't be the same here without you ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ Through the good and bad of all that we've been through ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Hold on to me and I'll return it ♪
♪ With nothing less than all of me ♪
♪ I'll never feel alone again ♪
♪ As you walk beside me ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[sniffles] Oh, wow.
Another accent, another Oscar.
Another movie?
You got it.
Ooh, "Silkwood."
Meryl gets killed in this one.
Is it at the beginning?
What?
No, nothing. Hey, I'm just wondering.
Why Meryl Streep?
She has sentimental value to us.
I've told you this story before.
You were like a year old
and you were sleeping on my lap.
We were watching TV
and "Out of Africa" was on.
And as soon as Meryl Streep said her first words
you woke up, crawled off my lap
and took your first steps.
Aw, was I trying to get out of the room?
You know, if you weren't enjoying the festival
you could've said something.
Oh, come on, Val, it's not that.
It's just that this is kind of a "You" thing
which is what we always do.
- What you wanna do. - That is not true.
No, I took you shopping last week. You love shopping.
No, you took me to look at fabric
then you took me to return a coffeemaker
then you took me to the bank
which, by the way, no one goes in anymore
except you and robbers.
I feel sorry for the tellers.
It's just them and old Gus the guard.
I just think it'd be fun if we could do
a little less older sister- younger sister stuff
and hang out more like, I don't know, friends.
I love that. I tell you what.
You pick something to do, and we will go do it.
Okay, I know a great place to just hang.
Would you be okay with just hangin'?
Yeah, hangin' is great. I'd love to hang with you.
Okay, I think you're really gonna like it.
It's fun. There's pool tables and food and lots of people.
Ooh, sounds good.
Oh, is this one of those places
where you get up on the bar
and dance and take off your bra?
'Cause if it is, I'm gonna need
to put on a nicer bra.
No. You're good.
[instrumental music]
So, how do you like it?
- I think I've been here before. - Really?
Yeah, yeah, it was a vet's office.
I saw a cat throw up right there.
Really?
I saw a gigantic Australian girl
throw up right there.
Hey, see that guy over there in the gray shirt?
- Mm-hmm. - I think he has a cute butt.
- Oh, you are nasty. - To the bone.
Oh, my God, that's Hunter.
- Who? - Hunter.
He's in a band. I saw him play at my friend's party once.
I could not stop watching him.
- Is he nice? - I don't know.
I've never even said two words to him
but I've already named our children.
- Stupid, huh? - No.
When I was your age, I felt the same way
about George Michael.
That didn't end well.
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
- Hey, Gary. - We're just hanging out.
- A couple of friends. - Oh, coming through.
No way.
Uh, Holly, it's Mr. Wade
my eighth grade math teacher.
Finally, we meet again.
That's the teacher who made your life a living hell?
He looks pretty friendly.
Well, who could look mean carrying
a tray of chicken tenders?
- Believe me, that man is evil. - What did he do?
He always used to single me out to go to the board.
Now, whenever I got stuck doing a problem
which was more often than I liked, he'd blast this air horn
and humiliate me in front of the entire class.
That was a long time ago. Maybe you should just let it go.
I can't.
You see, my dad took me to a Jets game last year
and the man behind me cut loose with one of those air horns.
I flashed back to the eighth grade
and almost lost control of my bladder.
- Time for payback? - Oh, yeah, you got it.
He's the waiter, and I'm the customer.
Finally, I've got the power
and he's the one with the suspenders. Ha!
Does that mean that you used to wear suspenders?
Well, this was back in '99.
It was a simpler time then.
[instrumental music]
Nice shot.
Why don't you talk to him?
I just did. I said, "Nice shot."
You know what I think?
I think you need a wingman.
You know about wingmen?
Of course.
I also know that butt crack is the new cleavage.
Yeah, but you can't keep your money in there.
Look, speaking as your wingman
you've got a perfect situation right here.
- I do? - Yes.
What if you and your friend went and played him
and his friend at pool?
I'm not very good at pool.
Neither is he.
Rugged good looks aside, he doesn't know jack about
sinking a two-rail bank shot.
Oh, that's right. You and nana used to play.
Yeah, she says there's two things
you got to know how to do if you wanna catch a man.
"Shoot pool and hold your liquor."
"And dress real slutty."
Hi. I'm Eugene. I'll be your server this evening.
Uh, can I start you off with something to drink?
How about a nice cup of sweet revenge?
Hello, Thorpe.
Hello...Eugene. So, what happened?
You get canned for tormenting too many students?
No, I'm still teaching.
I'm just doing this until my Jacuzzi is paid for.
Oh, well, you need money.
Well, how about you write a book on how to break the spirit
of an eighth grader?
Well, Thorpe, let's say that I did
and it made $100,000.
If I decided to split the royalties with you 60/40
how much would you get?
Hm. I'll be right back.
I don't wanna get any brains on me when your head explodes.
[chuckles]
[instrumental music]
Unbelievable. That's three in a row.
Where did she learn to play pool?
Our grandmother taught her.
Ah, poo.
She also taught her how to cuss.
That should've gone in.
I banked the nine off the rail
and it split the six and the two.
Yeah, I don't know what you're saying.
The nine, it should've kissed the four
and knocked it in the side.
I don't...know what..
...you're saying.
Look, I know we wanna win the two bucks
but when are you gonna start talking about me?
Oh, right, right.
Sorry, I just get a little caught up
when there's money on the line.
No, it's okay. I just sort of wanted to--
[laughs]
Oh, my God, you are hysterical! Ooh!
Usually, pretty girls aren't this funny.
So, where were we?
You were in the middle of killing us.
Ooh! Well, maybe pool's not your thing.
Maybe you should stick to music.
- How'd you know I play? - Holly told me.
She's a huge fan.
- You like my music? - Um..
Like? She heard you guys at a party.
She hasn't stopped talking about you.
Wow, that's really cool. Thanks, Holly.
No, no, thank you.
For...the gift of music.
Well, here, why don't you give me your e-mail address
and I'll let you know when we're going to play next.
It'd be really cool if you could be there.
Okay.
You got a little chalk right here.
[chuckles] Chalk.
Dude, should I go for the blue stripe or the red stripe?
We're not stripes.
You are officially my new wingman!
You are ten times better than Gary.
When he does it, he just nods in my direction and says
"Check out that ass."
Have you decided yet?
Uh, yeah, but I have a few questions.
The cheeseburger.
Now, is that a burger made of cheese?
Look, Thorpe, I've got other people to serve.
Ooh, look, a comment card.
Let's see, where's the box for...crappy attitude?
Who's got the red pen now?
Yeah, I believe that's game, fellas.
Wait, I want a rematch. Double or nothing.
Rack 'em.
I'm gonna get Gary to get me some food.
Don't let him forget about me.
I'm on it.
Don't you touch those balls till I get back.
You know, you are a really good pool player.
- Thanks. - Any advice?
Well, I can just tell you what my nana always tells me.
"Pick your pocket, line up your shot
and nail that ball like it's the last cabana boy in Miami."
Hey, Gary, order me some chili fries, will ya?
Oh, sure. So how's it going over there?
Oh, perfect. Val is such an amazing wingman.
- How's it going with you? - Oh, great.
I'm totally torturing Mr. Wade.
I made him go through every single item on the menu
then I ordered a chicken burrito
and demanded it be served in a taco shell.
Mm. He he he.
Actually, forget about the chili fries.
I'm gonna go order at the bar.
Well, why?
Okay, I know math's not your best subject
but let's see if you can follow this.
Angry waiter plus your food
equals angry waiter's loogie in your food.
You see, you're strangling your cue.
That's your weakness.
No, my weakness is hot blondes who play pool.
- Oh, my God. - What, what, what?
Does Eugene have my taco down his pants?
[instrumental music]
I can't believe how long this line is.
I'm dying.
Yeah, well, my sister just kissed a guy I like.
Holly, Holly, I'm so sorry.
- Please don't be mad at me. - Too late.
Holly! Holly! That's the men..
Oh...my..
Can you do that?
Holly...I swear, I had nothing to do with that.
I was just showing the kid how to hold his cue
and then the next thing I know, he was kissing me.
Oh, God, this is so not the place for open-toed shoes.
Okay, I don't blame you for being upset.
Holly. Holly, please talk to me.
Great! No more towels.
Look at that. You took away something else I wanted.
Holly, listen..
Gents are dudes, right?
Yes. Gents are dudes.
Listen..
Um, would you mind?
Oh, sure.
I mean, what kind of a gent would I be
if I whizzed in front of a couple ladies?
W-why don't we just go get a table?
We'll sit down, we'll talk about it--
I don't wanna talk to you right now.
I am devastated. I'm devastated!
- I understand you're upset-- - Devastated!
You're devastated. It was an accident!
I mean, I.. You can..
Sometimes, the wingman
inadvertently attracts the target.
They don't mean to, but it happens.
You attracted him because you were working it.
I was not working it.
Oh, right, you just had to bend over the table
every two seconds.
We were playing pool.
You cannot honestly believe
that I was attracted to that...boy.
That boy in the gray shirt that you think has a cute butt?
I cannot believe that you would betray me like this!
Holly!
So what's the story with the hottie?
- What? - That girl you betrayed.
She's cute. I've been watching her all night.
Really? You like my sister?
Who, by the way, I did not betray.
Yeah.
When I call someone a hottie, I mean it.
Okay, okay, this is good. This is good.
Um, why haven't you talked to her all night?
I don't know. I'm shy.
You were just gonna pee in front of us.
I'm more confident in that area.
Okay, so, uh, do you wanna meet her?
- Yeah. - Okay, great. Wait.
- What? - Where do you go to school?
- Bronx Science. - GPA?
- 3.7. - Good, come with me.
- Oh, wait. - What?
Could you wash your hands?
Oh, God.
[instrumental music]
I'd like to send this back to the kitchen.
Why?
Well, this is chicken.
I said beef.
You said chicken. I wrote it down.
Why would I write down chicken if you said beef?
How do I know?
Maybe they give you special suspenders
if you sell more chicken.
I'm not taking it back.
You spit in my taco, didn't you?
I know you did.
I did not spit in your taco.
You want me to take a bite to prove it?
Well, that won't prove anything.
It's your own spit.
Now take it back.
Look, look, Gary, the chef is crazy
and if I take back a perfectly good taco
he's gonna screw up my orders
which means my customers won't tip, I'll lose my Jacuzzi
and my lower back problems will flare up.
And that means no sweet love.
Wow. That is a sad tale.
It's almost as sad as a young preteen
who was humiliated by his math teacher.
You're still mad about that?
You ruined eighth grade for me!
Look, Gary, you don't know this because I don't
share my personal problems with my students
but that year that you were in my class
I was going through a..
...a rough patch.
You see, my beloved dog Waffles
had passed on that year.
I'm sorry. I had no idea.
That's okay.
You see, I was so angry when he died that..
...I might've taken out some of that anger on you.
Now, I'm sorry if you suffered.
Well, I accept your apology, Eugene.
And you know what? You're right.
It's time to put the past behind us.
I will accept this as a taco of friendship.
Uh-uh, I'll get you a fresh guacamole.
Okay, okay, there she is. Go talk to her.
Alright, but if I get shot down, will you buy me beer?
No.
I was just trying to set up a win-win situation.
So the bottom line is
no matter what she does or what she says
never ever trust your wingman.
Hey. Holly, right?
I'm Henry.
Remember me from the gents room?
I didn't whiz.
Yeah.
- Hey, I'm sorry about that. - No, that's okay.
That's the most exciting thing
that's ever happened in there.
Pretty much.
Henry, um..
What are you doing?
Nothing. Go ahead.
He likes you.
Excuse me for a sec.
Did you tell him to come hit on me?
- No. - I cannot believe you!
What, you feel sorry for me
so you find me a guy in the toilet?
No offense, Henry.
I just cannot talk to you right now.
"The guy in the toilet?"
I could really use that beer.
[instrumental music]
Yes, you-you're right.
I-I totally messed up your order.
Look, uh, I-I don't really like to share my personal problems
with my customers, but, uh
I'm-I'm going through a rough patch.
You see, my beloved dog Waffles pa-passed on
this morning, and so that's why I forgot
to bring you your pizza nuggets.
Oh, you want me to get that for you, Gary?
Oh, yeah, you know what? And-and keep the change.
I-I'm sorry I gave you a rough time.
Oh, hey, no hard feelings, man.
Alright.
Hey, hey, Thorpe!
Was something wrong with your taco?
It was delightful.
Well, then what's up with my tip?
You left me, like, 50 cents.
Yeah, but, see, normally I'm a very generous tipper
but I'm going through a rough patch right now.
You see, my beloved goldfish French Toast..
...passed this morning
and I felt so angry that I-I might've taken some
of that anger out on your tip.
Don't drown in that Jacuzzi now.
Hey.
I hear you were mackin' on my boyfriend.
What? Uh..
Yeah, okay, uh, two things.
Who's your boyfriend, and what's mackin'?
My friend saw you playing pool with Hunter
and she said you kissed him?
Oh, right.
Well, what your friend didn't see was that
Hunter was mackin' on me.
- Please. - No, it's true.
If you don't believe me, ask him yourself.
Hunter, could you..
Alright, let's take it outside.
Are you serious?
Who are you, like, Leather Tuscadero?
- Who? - Pinky's cousin.
"Happy Days."
Anything?
Look, I'm going to take you outside
and mess up your face.
- Hey, where are you going? - I'm getting out of here.
- Yeah, me too. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, right, I forgot.
Uh, I just have one thing I have to do.
See, this is Hunter's girlfriend and she saw us mackin'
and apparently, we're gonna fight.
Hunter has a girlfriend.
Yes. He does.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm sorry. Where are my manners?
This is my sister Holly. Holly, this is..
I didn't get your name.
Sasha.
Oh, that is a pretty name.
We had a beautiful little malamute named Sasha.
I wanted a Portuguese water dog. They don't shed.
Oh, look at me. I get chatty before a fight.
Look, I don't have time for all this.
I'm just going to mess you up right here.
Oh, okay, you were actually serious?
Look, you're not gonna mess anybody up.
She didn't hit on your boyfriend.
Now, I know it's easier to blame her
but the bottom line is, your boyfriend's a slime.
I'm sure this isn't the first time he's cheated on you
and it's probably not gonna be the last.
So grow up and deal with it, Sasha!
You're so mean.
Wow. I was all ready to throw down with Sasha.
You ruined my street cred.
Sorry I got so mad at you.
I just needed somebody to blame, and Hunter..
You said it yourself. He's got a cute butt.
Yeah.
I'm sorry you got hurt tonight.
It's okay. I'll get over it.
- You wanna go? - No, let's keep hangin'.
You want me to show you how to make a two-rail bank shot?
Okay.
So, uh, what's the situation with us?
Am I in? Am I out?
I'm gonna take a rain check.
I just wanna play pool with my friend.
Yes!
Rain check!
[instrumental music]
[theme music]