[instrumental music]
Holly, check it out.
Our spring break begins with a bang.
- The Staten Island Sideshow. - Sideshow?
Gary, I thought we were gonna do
something meaningful with our vacation.
What happened to our napping contest?
Oh, look. "Freaks, wonders and curiosities."
It's the human condition.
Gary, you can see freaks on every corner of the city.
You can't see Digestor.
The ad, it says he can eat anything.
We're gonna see about that.
Kiki, a good assistant doesn't call an hour before work
and say she can't come in.
Uh, sweetie, I'm glad you met a guy
but why are you in Orlando?
Well, you know, I happen to think
that work is the happiest place on Earth.
Come on, Holly, let's go!
I wanna sit in the front row
for Oozette, the human sprinkler.
I don't wanna go to a freak show.
One man lifts a block of concrete with his nipples
and it's a freak show?
Perfect. Now, I'm gonna have to call a temp agency.
You'd think for 500 bucks I could get somebody
who doesn't want to borrow a urine sample?
Hey, 500 bucks?
What if I filled in as your assistant?
Well, that would be cute.
Come on, I could use the money, and I'd work hard!
Hey, and I'd finally have a place to wear
that business casual skirt you gave me.
You haven't worn that? I thought you love that skirt.
Uh-huh.
Well, okay, but you'd have to be completely professional.
I mean, when I ask you to answer the phone
and make me coffee, I don't wanna hear
"You're not the boss of me" because, you know, I am.
- Okay, it's a deal. - Okay.
- Hurry up and go get dressed. - Okay.
Ooh, it looks like it's gonna rain.
Can you grab my umbrella?
Your arms ain't broke.
♪ I just wanna say ♪
♪ Life wouldn't be the same here without you ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ Through the good and bad ♪
♪ Of all that we've been through ♪
♪ I love you ♪ ♪ Hold on to me ♪
♪ And I'll return it ♪
♪ With nothing less than all of me ♪
♪ I'll never feel alone again ♪
♪ As you walk beside me ♪♪
[instrumental music]
And after about six months of phone calls
I finally convinced "MY Magazine"
to put Kira Martin on the cover.
[all applauding]
Wow!
[clears throat] Fantastic work, Val.
This, uh, this cover
is a great way to unveil her new boobs.
Oh, and, uh, call "The Post" and deny that she has new boobs.
[laughing]
Uh, now, as many of you know
Susan Dickerson has left her position here
to work for our competition.
Uh, we wish her well
and are glad that her emotional neediness
is now their problem.
It, uh, also means that we need a new managing director.
'Now, you guys know it is our policy to promote from within.'
Is that job something you'd need a high school diploma for?
- So that's everything-- - Actually, Vic.
I just have one quick question.
Uh, terrific job, Val, on the Kira Martin cover.
When do we get to see the final picture?
That-that is the final picture. I signed off on it on Friday.
Oh. Forget it.
- What? - No. God, it's nothing.
Great job, Val.
What, Lauren? What is it?
Okay, well, I know I'm the new girl in town
but in the Chicago office
we tried not to use pictures of cross-eyed people.
Well, she's not cross-eyed.
Well, I know she's not, but in that shot
doesn't she seem like she's a little..
..I don't know, kinda hypnotized by her own nose?
You know what? Forget it. It's just me.
- Just forget it. - No.
You know, now that you mention it
I am kind of having the urge to say, "I'm over here."
Alright, uh, Val, could you straighten that out, please?
Uh, that's it, everybody. Have a great week.
She's not cross-eyed.
Does she look cross-eyed to you?
Maybe it's just one of those things
that when someone says it
everyone starts thinking they see it
like, uh, the time I convinced Gary he was shrinking.
I can't believe the way that Lauren girl
totally humiliated you in front of your boss.
Wait, Vic is your boss, right
'cause earlier I asked him for trash bags.
Vic is everyone's boss.
Yeah, well, I'd watch out for that Lauren girl.
She really has it in for you.
- She wants that promotion. - We both want that promotion.
Managing director is second in command.
Not that these things matter to me
but I'd get my own bathroom
and that would make life a lot easier.
Well, then we gotta take Lauren down before she takes you down!
Stop it. Lauren doesn't have it in for me.
- She's just doing her job. - Oh, please!
"I'm Lauren, I'm from Chicago. Blah, blah.
Pizza deep dish. Ha-ha ha-ha!"
She is sucking up to Vic and trying to make you look bad.
Hey, Val, I need you to be on that
4 o'clock conference call with Tony Hawk.
- No problem. - Oh, and, uh, Holly.
Did you want large kitchen?
Oh. Yeah, I-I'm sorry about that.
I told her you weren't in charge of office supplies.
No, don't worry about it.
Hey, I haven't been able to track down
that non-dairy creamer
but I'll see if I can score some from the mayor
after our meeting, okay?
[instrumental music]
I had no idea we were both from Chicago.
What a coincidence!
Oh, I miss the Windy City already.
Did you know it's not called the Windy City because of the wind?
- Oh. - No.
It's because of the windy politicians.
I guess they had a tendency to talk on and on.
It kind of makes this the windy breakroom.
I'm sorry. What?
Who wants coffee? Vic, can I pour you a cup?
- Oh, yes, please. - Okay.
You know what? I'll take one too.
Mugs are in the cupboard.
- Hey, Vic, do you like cigars? - Oh, are you kidding me?
You've seen my humidor, my collection of cigar bands
my teeth.
You have perfect teeth.
Anyway, um, a neighbor gave these to me
as a housewarming gift. They're yours if you want them.
I don't know if they're any good.
Good? A-are you kidding? These are, these are Cubans.
They're so good, they're illegal.
A neighbor gave you cigars?
Where do you live, the dog track?
[coughs]
Gary, Holly stepped away from her desk
and I really don't wanna hear anymore about the sideshow.
I don't care how many orifices the man has.
Val, you would not believe
what just went down in the breakroom!
Lauren is in there with Vic and she's sucking up to him
like a leech on a wet hound dog!
I heard President Bush say that.
Look, she went out and bought him some fancy cigars
and then pretended like it was no big deal.
Oh! Oh, my God!
She is pure evil.
Don't you get it?
She is the flashy, new girl in town
and she's trying to move in on your territory.
This is not high school.
Everything is high school!
Vic is gonna give the promotion to the person
who deserves it based on the work
not because of some stupid cigars.
(Vic) Yeah, sure, I'd love to hear your ideas.
Um, I'm gonna have lunch
at The Oak Room at The Plaza at 1:00.
- Meet me there. - Super!
So, Lauren, you've got some ideas, huh?
- About what? - Oh, you know, our clients.
I think that Vic is excited to have someone
who could look at things with fresh eyes.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know, instead of crossed-eyes.
So while Lauren's sharing her ideas
with the boss at The Plaza
why don't we go through the want ads at Mickey D's?
Wouldn't that be super?
Alright, I'll admit.
Lauren is starting to strike me as a tad weasely.
[sighs] But I have a plan of my own.
Okay, that's what I wanna hear, fighting fire with fire.
What are you gonna do?
I am gonna write a report.
- What? - Vic wants fresh ideas?
I've got fresh ideas.
So I'm gonna analyze our biggest accounts
assess the pros and cons of each and turn it in to Vic
in a fancy cover.
That's not fighting fire with fire!
That's fighting fire with paper!
Fire kicks paper's ass!
I don't wanna stoop to her level or your level.
I wanna earn that promotion.
Now, get out of here. I got a lot of work to do.
Okay, I'll cancel your meetings, hold your calls
and get you some lunch, and hack into Lauren's computer.
Okay, I'll just cut the brakes on her car.
I don't know, man.
I saw things today.
Things I won't soon forget.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, it's a sideshow. What did you expect?
Not to see a man eat a bucket of hair.
Hey, how was the freak show?
I saw things today.
And heard them.
The hair, i-it made a...crunching sound.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Hey, is Val's lunch order ready?
Yeah, it's right here.
What's she so stressed about?
Oh, she locked herself in her office
doing some kind of extra credit report.
She needs to impress her boss because of that promotion.
Oh, really? Is she gonna be done by tonight?
'Cause I scored two courtside seats
for the Knicks-Wizards game.
It's Michael Jordan's last game in New York.
Val's gonna be blown away.
Why? Are sports less boring when you're closer?
No. Soccer sucks from anywhere.
There is not a guy in the world
who wouldn't kill for those seats.
You know who would love to sit courtside for the Knicks game?
Val's boss!
What are me and him gonna talk about?
Val has got serious competition for her promotion
but if she gives Vic those tickets
that would put her way out in the lead!
Val doesn't have to bribe Vic. Val's great at her job.
It doesn't matter if she's great.
That Lauren girl is a snake!
Val is in a war!
Yeah, I know that promotion's really important to her.
But Michael Jordan's really important to me.
You could see where I'm stuck with this.
Dude, you're not looking at the big picture!
Okay. Think about this.
You give Vic the tickets
and maybe Vic meets Michael Jordan
and they become friends.
And then Vic has a dinner party
invites his new friend, Michael Jordan
and his new managing director, Val Tyler!
And do you know who else is at that party, Jeff?
Tiger Woods?
No. You!
I'll get the tickets.
Holly, I thought you did a great job today.
Hey, I learned a lot
especially at that sexual harassment seminar.
So tomorrow when I see Vic I have to say
"You look sharp" instead of
"Aren't you a smokin' hunk of love?"
I just hope he has time to read my report.
Oh. There she is.
That was unbelievable, Val.
Totally above and beyond the call of duty.
Well, I just thought it was something
that needed to be done.
Oh, well, I am blown away. Thank you so much.
I'll see you guys.
I think the boss likes my report!
I think he's thanking you for the Knicks tickets.
Excuse me?
I gave Vic a couple of courtside seats
to tonight's game.
And I said they were from you!
You what? Why did you do that?
Because I knew that you would never do this for yourself.
You listen to me.
From now on, you, you answer the phones
you take my messages and make me coffee.
Because if you don't, I swear, I'm-I'm--
You're number one, Val!
I'm number one. Ha.
Shame on me and my successful ideas.
Uh.. Stop it.
I'm number freakin' one!
Hey, I almost forgot. I read your report.
I think you made some interesting points.
Oh, is that so? Well, I'm glad you liked it.
Yeah, you know who really liked it was Lauren.
- Lauren? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well, she.. Well, here she is.
I mean, she can tell you herself.
We, uh, we were just talking about Val's report.
Oh, right, I picked it up off his desk.
I thought it was a magazine. It was so pretty.
She's already taken a couple of your notions
and really run with them.
You're running with my notions?
Well, yeah, I'm sure we'll talk about it some more
at the game tonight.
Uh, you're taking her?
She used to do PR for the Bulls back in Chicago
and she might be able to get me in to meet Jordan.
Anyway, Val, thanks again for the tickets.
Yes, Val, thank you. Thank you so much.
Um, if you yell at me for the next two hours
do I get paid overtime?
[instrumental music]
Thank you, thank you for giving Lauren
the perfect opportunity to sit next to Vic for three hours
and stab me in the back.
She's good. She's very, very good.
She's so obvious.
How does he not see what she's doing?
Well, he sees free cigars and basketball tickets.
What do you expect him to do?
This is my career, Holly. I could lose my job.
How will we ever make ends meet?
Can you ease up on the shaking?
I had, like, 30 cups of coffee today.
I just really wanted that promotion.
Now, she's gonna get it.
I'm gonna be number freakin' two!
Look, you can beat her.
The only difference between you and Lauren
is that she has got fire in her belly!
Your belly's not even rubbing two sticks together.
You're right. I'm too damn nice.
I can't fight dirty.
But I can.
You ready to listen to me?
I'm ready. Bring it on. How do we get Lauren?
Okay, well, it might not surprise you
that I have some ideas.
Here we go.
Ooh, I like this one. It has a diagram.
Oh, that one's kind of tricky. We need a sample of her DNA.
Hey, how about this one? The bazooka.
- Tell me about the bazooka. - Excellent choice.
I used that once in the ninth grade
on Lisa Gertz.
They say on quiet days you can still hear her crying.
So how does it work?
We do some digging into Lauren's past
and find her dirty, little secret.
You think she has a secret?
Everyone has a secret.
But, Val, you have to know that this won't be pretty.
Once you get in, you cannot get out.
Why can't you get out?
Well, you can, but it's just more fun like this.
Come on, let's do it!
- Where's Holly? - Uh, she's still at the office.
She and Ernie, the computer guy
are trying to dig up Lauren's dirty, little secret.
- She has a secret? - Everyone has a secret.
So...you're playing dirty?
- Damn right. - Ooh.
Tell me more, dirty Val.
[chuckles] Well, the plan is to--
Oh, no, no, no, um, say it slower
and use your early morning scratchy voice.
- I got it. - The bazooka?
- You got the bazooka? - Oh, yes, and it's big.
It's bigger than I even imagined.
Okay, don't-don't tell me all at once.
Just give me a tiny, little hint.
Okay. Jail.
Right. Sounds like jail. Male. Oh!
She used to be a man! Ha! I knew it!
No, she was in jail, prison!
- No. - Yes.
[gasps] Oh, my God, this is good!
- Lauren did time. - What was she in for?
- Robbery. - She knocked over a laundromat.
This...this is great.
[sighs]
Okay, so-so what do we do?
You flash that rap sheet
then watch how fast Lauren hops on the next train
to Chi-town.
When did you start talking like this?
It's possible that I watch too much TV.
Okay, so here's how it goes down.
You get Lauren in your office
you sit her down and you give her the stare!
Then you give her a little squint
so she knows that this is not a social call.
Ooh, I like the squint.
And then once you get her attention
you slam that file on the table
and you tell her that she is history.
You tell her that she messed around
with the wrong public relations lady.
No. Publicist.
Yeah, that sounds tougher.
- You makin' fun of me? - Yeah, yeah, that's it.
That's the early morning scratchy voice.
- Are you okay? - Never better.
Lookin' sharp, Vic!
Oh, hey, I miss being a smokin' hunk of love.
Stupid seminars.
- You got the bazooka? - Locked and loaded.
Fire in the belly?
[hissing]
Make me proud, damn it.
I'll do my best.
(Val) 'Good morning, Lauren.'
Thank you for meeting me so early.
Yeah, I've got a 10:15 with Vic, so could you kinda..
This is gonna take as long as it's gonna take.
See, 'cause now you're on my clock.
It's a zit, okay? I am premenstrual.
This is not a social call.
- What is that? - Open it.
Just curious.
Does the girl in that picture
look like she's cross-eyed?
Okay, look, Val, can I--
Ah, ah, ah. I'm talking now.
Did you really think I was just gonna let you
walk all over me?
Early indicators pointed to yes.
Alright, what do you want?
I want you on the first train to Chi-town.
Excuse me?
It's over. I want you gone.
You are history.
Okay.
Game over. You win.
Yes, I win.
Wait!
- Don't. - What?
[sighs] This is ridiculous, this whole thing.
I don't wanna make you quit your job.
(Holly) 'Oh, God!'
First of all, you're kind of good at it.
I mean, half of this job is manipulating people
and sucking up to them, and you definitely have that down.
Uh, excuse me, Val? It's an urgent phone call.
Uh, Mr. Fire-in-the-Belly, about the plan.
You, I want you to come in here and hear this, too.
A-actually, I can hear pretty good--
(Val) 'Now!'
Lauren, I think you've been acting really unprofessionally.
Quite frankly, you've been a weasel.
I-I-I don't agree with your win-at-all-costs attitude.
And if I start doing that, then I'm you
and I don't wanna be you.
Here, you keep this.
Nobody has to know about it.
Wait, I am totally confused.
You could bury me with this and you're just gonna let it go?
Hm, don't look at me, I was hoping to see
some big old mascara tears by now.
If I get this promotion
I wanna get it because I earned it
because I am the most qualified
not because you knocked over some fluff-n-fold.
Y-you probably won't believe me
but I did not rob that laundromat.
My boyfriend told me to stop
because he had to get some change
and the next thing I know, he jumped into my car
with a big pillowcase full of cash
and started yelling, "Drive! Drive!"
- I believe you. - Thank you.
Uh, Lauren.
The next time you try to humiliate me
in the morning meeting, I will knock you cross-eyed.
Got it.
Can I still cut the brakes on her car?
Hey, does the new managing director
of Harper & Diggs like her fettuccine?
Sweetie, please stop calling me that.
Wow, the new managing director of Harper & Diggs has a 'tude.
[laughing]
Hm, this pasta's delicious. Wh-what kind is it?
Mm, angel hair.
- Hair? - Sorry.
Hey, I'm cured. Seconds on the hair.
So does the assistant to the new managing director
also get a raise?
No, and Kiki's back from Orlando.
But thank you for a great couple of days.
You were a great assistant.
Nobody's ever watched my back like you.
You don't need me to watch your back.
You are a master. You used the bazooka for good.
I have been fighting it out in the schoolyard for 11 years
and I have never seen that move.
Well, if you want, maybe I can get you
something part-time in the mailroom.
Maybe not, this way Vic and I can date
without breaking company policy.
[theme music]