[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey, guys.
How was Lincoln Center?
Oh, it was incredible.
Nobody does modern dance like Pina Bausch.
Oh, and the choreography was amazing.
Uh, she's so imaginative.
So were you on the cab ride ome-hay.
Hm. Ome-hay. Ome-hay.
You guys fooled around in the cab.
But where was it heading?
Nothing happened in the cab.
Well, then we should do nothing a little more often.
Don't you need to get ome-hay?
Oh, home!
- Love ya. Mwah! - Bye.
[clears throat]
Night.
- Come on, get over here. - Why?
You don't have to be all nervous about this.
We can talk about it.
I don't know, it's weird.
Come on! Give me a little credit.
We subscribe to Cinemax.
Okay, you're right.
We should not be embarrassed to talk about sex.
- We're both grown-ups, right? - Thank you.
Yeah. So how far have you gone with a boy?
Night.
♪ I just wanna say life wouldn't be the same here without you ♪
♪ Without you ♪ ♪ Without you ♪
♪ Through the good and bad ♪
♪ Of all that we've been through ♪
♪ I love you ♪ ♪ Hold on to me ♪
♪ And I'll return it ♪
♪ With nothing less than all of me ♪
♪ I'll never feel alone again ♪
♪ As you walk beside me ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Val?
[water running]
I knew it! I had a bad vibe about you from day one!
I'm not stealing stuff.
I'm trying to get Val's ring size for Valentine's Day.
What? You're getting her a ring for Valentine's Day?
Shh! Aa..
Yes!
What kind of ring?
No, no, no, no. I've said enough.
You better promise me you're not gonna say anything to Val.
- Promise me. - Don't you trust me?
It's not you. It's your whole damn generation.
So, where are you gonna do it?
I'm taking her to my restaurant.
Ooh, free meal, that's classy.
Girls love it when you don't spend any money on them.
You're a funny little girl.
Val's gonna be blown away.
I've been shopping for this ring for two months.
- Two months? - Remember, not a word.
Oh..
Val! Aah!
Aah! Oh, my God!
[shrieking]
Aah! I know something!
- What? - I can't tell you.
Oh, you scared the hell out of me.
Oh, my God, it is so worth it, but I can't tell you why.
Get out of here and let me finish my shower.
Oh, my God, this can't wait! Val!
What is it?
I can't tell you.
[mumbling]
What do I do?
Tell her. Okay.
Jeff's going to ask you to marry him!
Ah!
- What? - Jeff is gonna propose to you.
And he made me promise not to tell.
- Then why are you telling me? - I got talked into it.
Wait, did he say that he was actually
going to propose to me?
Well, I'm not going to ask him.
He obviously wants to surprise you.
Val, he's been shopping for the ring for two months.
Oh, my God! He's taking me to Vermont this weekend.
That's probably where he's gonna do it.
No, no, he's doing it in the restaurant.
And that is all I'm going to tell you.
[instrumental music]
Your sister is gonna get engaged on Valentine's Day?
Ooh, Gary, don't you think that is so romantic?
Uh, Jill, now, I like you a lot
but I'm not really in a financial position
to take on a bride right now.
Well, if you hadn't blown all your money
on that Poopin' Moose candy dispenser.
[laughs] Poopin' Moose. Yeah, that guy's hilarious.
You lift up his head, and M&Ms come out the back.
[laughs] Plain or peanut?
He doesn't care. He'll squeeze out Skittles if you want him to.
[laughs]
- See you tomorrow night? - Yes, you will, Valentine.
- Mwah. Bye. - Bye.
- I really like her. - Yeah, well, do what I'm doing.
Enjoy her while you can 'cause after this Valentine's Day
she's gonna dump me.
What are you talking about?
Valentine's Day is her favorite holiday
and I gotta come through with some big-time romance.
- And I've got no game. - Calm down.
Let's just start with the gift. Did you get her something good?
Oh, I wouldn't be surprised if she cried a little bit.
- Ooh, what did you get her? - Nothing.
That's why I think she's gonna cry.
Look, I can't even afford to buy her a nice dinner.
Well, just take her to Jeff's. He'll give you a discount.
And then just get her some roses or candy.
Preferably not from a moose's ass.
When it comes to this romantic stuff, I suck.
- You got to come with me. - Oh, right, that sounds good.
You, me and Jill having an intimate Valentine's dinner.
And then maybe on the carriage ride home
the three of us can all make out.
Yeah, now that's a friend.
Alright, ju-just get a date.
For tomorrow night?
Valentine's Day? Right.
I couldn't help but overhear your conversation
because I'm eavesdropping.
I'll be your date.
Oh, hi, Henry.
If you want, I can make some calls
and change my plans for tomorrow night.
Oh, no. No, you don't have to do that.
Okay, the thing about making the phone calls, that was fake.
I just didn't want to seem too available
but I am fully available, and that is not fake.
- Please, Holly? - Okay.
Um, okay. Just so we're clear, this is not a real date.
Yes! Perfect! Totally onboard.
Just friends, not a date.
You da man!
Does he think I'm a man?
Holly, just do this for me.
[sighs] Okay.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow night.
It's a date!
[chuckles] No, it's not.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Hey, what you doing?
Oh, thinkin', drinkin'.
A little early celebration? Sounds good.
Yeah, it is.
Fruity, full-bodied, with just a hint of..
I'm getting engaged!
Oh, my God! It's so exciting!
Oh, I know, yes. I'm also a little nervous.
I'm just trying to find my balance.
Note for adulthood.
Turn to alcohol for help with big decisions.
- What is all that? - Magazines.
"Modern Bride," "In Style Weddings."
- Uh, "Bride Magazine" and-- - "American Lawyer?"
So you don't get screwed in the prenup.
Oh.
[sighs] Wow, look at all those beautiful gowns.
I know.
I'm starting to get excited again!
Thank you. Thank you.
He said the ring is gonna blow you away.
I wonder how big the diamond is.
Well, i-it doesn't matter how big the diamond is.
It just matters that it comes from the heart.
[laughs] You're killin' me!
- I wonder how he's gonna do it. - Oh.
I'm thinking he's gonna stuff it into your cheesecake
or drop it into your champagne.
Something that guys think is romantic
but can actually kill you.
Well, it doesn't matter, I'm sure whatever he does
it will be perfect.
The point is, uh, I'm getting engaged!
Oh, my God, this is so exciting!
[shrieking]
[instrumental music]
There's Val and Jeff.
Oh, that's your sister? She's beautiful!
I know. The whole family is hot!
I've got your table ready.
[no audio]
Excuse me, rose lady, uh, hit me 12 times.
A dozen red roses for my Valentine.
Gary, that's really not necessary.
I wanted these roses to see how beautiful you are.
That's a $120.
Okay, they've seen you. Move along now.
Actually, I, uh, I've got something for you, too, Holly.
I-I know this isn't a real date
but these are real roses and you're real pretty.
Oh, thanks.
They're intertwined at the stems
and it said one red and one white symbolizes unity
because I'm just glad that we're together on our non-date.
Thank you, Henry.
Never heard that before.
You know, about the roses. Isn't that beautiful?
Oh, not as beautiful as you are.
In the face area..
...during springtime or-or anytime.
It's all good.
Did I tell you how great you look tonight?
Yeah, yeah, you, too.
Well, what are you doing?
Um, toasting God..
...for bringing us together.
Here's to you, big guy.
I thought for sure it would be in the champagne glass.
You know, putting the ring in the food item
is kind of "Love Boat."
I could not agree more.
What would you do?
Well, I would, uh..
I would, uh..
Tell her that great story you were telling me
about the beach and the sunset.
Right. Uh, I would propose on the beach.
When? At sunset.
I-I would take your hand, uh, lead you out onto the rocks
and just as the sun dipped into the water, uh
Free Willy would jump over our heads.
Then I'd pop the question. The end.
That was awesome!
But did you know that Free Willy's in Norway now
and he's dying?
It could be any whale, Henry, okay?
How would you do it, Henry?
I think it depends on the girl.
For instance, and I know that this is not a date
but if it were Holly, I'd take her to the dump.
To dispose of my body?
[laughs]
No, because it's funny.
And then after we were married
whenever you were feeling crummy or something, I could say
"Hey, remember
when we got engaged at the dump?"
And then you'd laugh, which would make you feel better.
And me, too, because I'd get to hear you laugh.
You have a great laugh.
Oh, my God!
That was amazingly romantic.
Wow, heh, never seen you
go after a piece of cheesecake like that.
You're like a raccoon.
It's just so good.
- Are you done? - Yeah.
I am...finished.
Good, because there is something very important
that I want to say to you.
Oh, God. O-okay. I'm ready.
Go. Wait!
Okay, go. Go. Go!
- I've, uh, been-- - No, wait. Just..
[sighs] Okay.
I've been thinking about this past year a lot.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
And I was trying to think what I could give you
to really show you how much you mean to me.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Val.. - Uh-huh?
- I love you. - Oh, oh, God.
Oh, easy. You haven't even opened it yet.
Oh, I-I think I'm gonna..
Oh! Oh! No!
Wait! There's a card!
[instrumental music]
- What happened? - Oh, I don't know.
She just bolted all of a sudden.
She didn't even get to open her gift. Check it out.
Oh.
Earrings?
What's with the frickin' earrings?
- They're pretty, huh? - Where's the ring?
I thought you were getting her a ring!
Oh, I was. There was a beautiful sapphire set in platinum.
But then the guy at the jewelry store told me
only an idiot would get his girlfriend a ring
on Valentine's Day that wasn't an engagement ring.
[laughs] Who knew?
Everyone!
I have to go talk to Val.
U-um, there's not an exit back there, is there?
Hey, are you okay?
[sighs] Better now.
Where did you get the toothbrush?
My purse. Want one?
No. What happened?
I don't know. I got so excited.
Everything was perfect. The champagne, the cheesecake.
Then he started saying such romantic things
and, and he pulled a little box out
and I just barfed.
When someone asks you to marry them
your first reaction should not be to barf.
- It's okay. It's okay. - No, it is not okay.
How am I gonna go back out there?
He's gonna want an answer.
Okay, look.
I really should not get involved.
It's just not my style.
You know how you thought that Jeff
was going to give you an engagement ring?
- Yeah. - He's not!
He got you non-engagement earrings!
What? He's not gonna ask me to marry him?
No. You just built it up in that pretty little head of yours.
You are the one who told me
he was gonna give me an engagement ring.
You said, I said. He ain't proposing, kiddo.
Let it go.
Now, get back out there and slap those earrings on
because everything is back to normal.
No, everything is not back to normal.
No, I came here tonight thinking he was gonna propose to me
and I thought I was gonna say yes.
But then the time came, and I threw up.
You know what this means, don't you?
I'm not ready. I'm so not ready.
Good, because you don't have to make any decisions.
Now just go out there, finish your dinner
and head up to Vermont and have fun!
Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do. Go have fun.
Vermont has liquor stores, right?
People couldn't live there without them.
Right.
Hey, do you think it's weird that suddenly
I'm kind of attracted to someone who at some time in his life
has probably put on a magic show?
[instrumental music]
[vehicles honking]
Man, we've been sitting here forever!
What is going on up there?
- How you feeling? - Better.
I can't believe my girlfriend got sick
from food at my restaurant.
[chuckles]
It wasn't the food.
Do you wanna hear a funny story?
[chuckles] I thought you were gonna propose to me tonight.
[scoffs]
What?
[laughs] I know. Yeah. Oh, God.
Holly told me about you going through my jewelry box
and the-the ring and Valentine's Day.
- She had me totally convinced. - Oh..
[laughing]
Then when you pulled that little box out of your pocket
I thought you were gonna ask me to marry you.
[laughing]
What, so y-you vomited?
Yeah, but not because of you.
I mean, I love you.
It's just, I think I'm not ready, you know?
Well, well, let me put your mind at ease, okay?
You don't have to worry about that at all.
I mean, I am so far away from that, like, light years.
[laughs]
Whoo-hoo-hoo. Oh..
Light years? But isn't that a little extreme?
I don't know. Is there something longer than that?
'Cause if there is, I want that one.
[laughs]
[instrumental music]
I had a really nice Valentine's Day.
- Thank you. - You don't have to say that.
Well, I know I don't have to, but I did.
Look, Jill, I know how you feel about Valentine's Day
and I know how much it means to you.
And I wanted it to be perfect, but the thing is
I don't know what the color of roses means.
I-I don't have any romantic dump stories.
Gary, do you know why
I wanted to spend Valentine's Day with you?
Not a clue.
I-I wanted to be with you because you're fun
and funny.
And I like you.
Yeah, but I'm not romantic.
You're adorable, and I'll take that over romantic any day.
Hold that thought.
It's not much, but I hope you like it.
It's our ticket stubs from our first date.
"Bob The Builder On Ice."
Oh, my God! You kept our ticket stubs.
So I did good?
You did real good.
Got something for you, too.
Is this the Deluxe Poopin' Moose?
Try it.
[laughing]
Little Valentine hearts. Ah..
Now, that's a romantic dump story.
[laughing]
[instrumental music]
Aah..
[elevator bell dings]
[indistinct chatter]
Thanks for walking me home.
You were really nice to talk to that banjo guy on the subway.
Uh, yeah, I'm-I'm pretty sure he wasn't really Jesus
but you don't want to get to heaven
and find out you were the guy
who blew off the Son of God.
[laughs]
I love that laugh. That's the dump laugh.
Thanks for a great date.
Hey, you said date.
Hm. I did, didn't I?
Goodnight, Henry.
I was on a date.
Ah..
[instrumental music]
[sighs] An armored truck overturned in the tunnel.
There was quarters everywhere.
I tried to get some, but they shot at me.
People in the Saturn thought that was hilarious.
Why don't you marry them?
- Oh, God. - Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.
- You're against marriage. - I'm not against marriage.
I guess it works for some people
but I've seen my friends divorced, my brother.
Look at my parents!
After 30 years, even they're calling it quits.
Baby, I love you, but marriage?
I just, I don't..
What? Go ahead, say it.
I just don't think it's for me.
Okay.
Were you ever gonna tell me?
We've been going out almost a year, and you haven't
brought it up. I just assumed we were in the same place.
- Yeah, well, maybe we're not. - A-are you sure?
'Cause you thought I was gonna propose to you tonight
and your response was, "Ah!"
That doesn't exactly scream "Be my Valentine."
I was overwhelmed with the thought of getting married now.
I'm not against marriage. I wanna get married someday.
I wanna share my life with somebody.
We're doing that right now!
We spend time together. We love each other.
Why can't it just stay the way it is?
Yeah, I can't go on like this forever.
So what do we do now?
[theme music]
[instrumental music]