[instrumental music]
Okay. So just make sure that we have someone
meet Michelle at the airport.
She's got an interview at K-Rock at 1:00
then shoot her over to "Live at 5:00" by 2:00.
- Any questions? - Just one.
Who's the hottie?
That's Nelson, my cousin.
Ooh, is he single?
He's 14.
Answer the question.
- Hey. - Hey.
What are you doing here?
Val got me a job in the mail room.
Yep, she was so great when she temped
I thought we should bring her back.
Hmm. Hey, um, if you get any plain wrapped packages
for "Babette Lalouche" from Wisconsin Novelties
bring them to me.
I'll get them to...Babette.
I can't wait to start working in the mail room.
It's gonna be gossip central.
It's like my gym class locker room
except I don't have to fake cramps to get out of stuff.
Holly, it's not a social club. It's a job, okay?
So for me, just lay low and blend in.
Blending is what I do best.
So, Lisa in Accounting took eight days of sick leave
supposedly for her wisdom teeth.
I heard they were impacted.
[scoffs] Yeah, well, they must've
been impacted into her boobs.
'Cause those swelled up two cup sizes
if you know what I mean.
♪ I just wanna say ♪
♪ Life wouldn't be the same ♪
♪ Here without you ♪
♪ Without you ♪ ♪ Feel the good and bad ♪
♪ Of all we've been through ♪
♪ I love ♪
♪ Hold on to me and I'll ♪
♪ Return it with nothing less ♪
♪ Than all of me ♪
♪ I'll never feel ♪
♪ Alone again as you walk ♪
♪ Beside me ♪♪
[instrumental music]
So I bent over, looked him in the eye
and said, "I don't care if you were Webster."
"Nobody snaps my thong."
Hey, don't forget, it's Tequila Tuesday
at the Roadhouse. Happy hour starts at 6:00.
Last one there has to hold my hair.
You guys all go out after work?
Val never mentioned that.
Well, probably because she never goes with us.
We used to ask her all the time, but eventually we stopped
because she always says no".
Uh, people think she's kind of, uh..
boring.
Well, do you tell them what she's really like?
No, I agree with them.
I fear being left out.
She's not that boring.
I know she'd go out if you asked her.
- Hey, guys, what's up? - Go ahead, ask her.
- Ask me what? - Drinks tonight?
Oh, no, thanks.
Shocker.
Val, why did you just say "no"?
Don't you like these people?
Of course, I do. It's complicated.
I'm second-in-command here, and I just..
I don't think it's a good idea
to mix my work life and my social life.
Oh, come on, Val, lighten up.
Don't be a hater.
Alright. You want me to go out for drinks
I'll go out for drinks.
- I'll whoop it up. - That's the spirit.
Then they'll see your fun side and realize that you're more
than just Holly's sister.
[clears throat]
- Try this. - What is it?
I don't know. That's why I want you to try it.
It's an old-fashioned.
I'm just brushing up on my bartending skills.
Mmm.
Oh. A plus.
Oh. You picked out all the Mini Melba toast.
It's my favorite, too.
I always wondered, who is this Melba?
I don't know.
But if I ever ran into her, you know what I'd say?
"Nice work with the toast."
[laughs]
So you here by yourself?
Uh, no, I'm waiting on someone.
Oh. Of course you are.
No. No, no, it's nothing like that.
Um, I'm divorced.
I'm Jeff.
I'm Olivia.
So, uh, what else can I do for you, Olivia?
Maybe something to eat?
Are you asking me out to dinner tonight?
- Yes, I am. - Ah.
Pardon me.
Here is my number.
Hey. Hey, sorry I'm late. How's everything going?
I'm just getting my skills back.
Got a hot date for dinner that could possibly
turn into breakfast.
Hey! Hey, what are you doing here?
Why didn't you tell me you were coming by?
Oh, well, it's your first day on your new job
and I just wanted to surprise you.
Well, you did. Hey, Jeff, have you met my mom?
[laughter]
So, that's when I learned that laxatives
don't really care if you're on a date.
Ah, what a team I have assembled.
[cell phone rings]
Oh. Excuse me. I got to take this.
Lauren, did that really happen?
For the most part, but I embellished a little
because the boss is here and I want to impress him.
I didn't know, uh, Vic came out with you guys, too.
Who cares? Just 'cause he owns the company
doesn't mean you can't loosen up around him.
That's easy for you to say.
You are disturbingly at ease with your own humiliation.
Thank you.
I'm so glad you came out.
Guys, aren't you glad Val finally came out with us?
[unenthusiastic murmurs]
Hey, is everything okay?
Yeah, it's fine. What did I miss?
We're learning about Val.
It's getting really crazy.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't we go around the table
and everyone can tell their most embarrassing moment?
Let's start with Val.
Oh, no, no, I...I don't have anything like that.
Oh, come on, Val, I'm sure you've done
something embarrassing.
Uh, well, okay.
Uh, well, there was this one time
I was accidentally in a porno. The end.
You were accidentally in a porno?
Which one?
I mean, because one time I accidentally rented some porno.
It's not what you think.
In college, I dated a film student
who was making this low-budget movie about a bartender
and he cast me in a small role.
After I shot my scene, they ran out of money.
So, like, a year later, someone offered to finance
the movie if he added a bunch of sex scenes.
That's how "The Bartender" became "The Butt-tender".
"The Butt-tender!" I love that!
Hey, what about me?
[indistinct chatter]
So, that's your mom, huh? Nice lady.
Yeah, she's the best.
You know, me and my mom are really close.
I can see that, yeah.
You know, before you got here, we got a chance to talk
and, well, it turns out we got a lot in common.
Really? Like what?
Well, for one thing, we're both having dinner with each other
tonight. Could you refill the ketchup bottles? Thanks.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Yeah, what's up, buddy?
You hit on my mom?
I didn't know she was your mom.
I just saw her sitting there, and I thought
- "Whoa, that is--" - No, no, no.
Do not. Hey, that woman gave birth to me, okay?
I'm her "Baby G".
You can't go out on a date with my mom.
What's the matter with you?
Alright, I'll call her and cancel.
You can't cancel on my mom. What's the matter with you?
Look, man, I'll do whatever you want me to do
whatever you're comfortable with.
Oh, man, this is messed up.
Okay, do you promise to be a gentleman?
Of course.
- Have her home by 10:00? - P.M.?
- Dude, that ain't funny. - Sorry.
Alright, you can have one drink, dinner
then walk her home. That's it.
Fair enough. Thanks, buddy.
Oh, and just between you and me--
Jeff, if you say my mother is hot
I will puncture you like a juice box.
Yeah, I love Lauren's stories
but some of them make me a little gaggy.
Yeah, that's how you know it's a good one.
- Thanks for walking me home. - Oh, you're welcome.
Hey, I had a great time tonight.
I'm glad you decided to come out with us.
Yeah, me too.
Who knew people would be so interested in porno?
Well, so I guess I'll see you in the morning.
Yeah. Bright and early.
Uh-huh. Bright and early.
Goodnight.
- Okay. - Right.
- What? - What?
I think I almost just kinda..
...kissed my boss.
Okay, hold on one sec.
[turns off TV]
Oh, my God!
- You almost kissed Vic? - Yeah, I almost kissed Vic.
Okay, wait, wait, wait. What do you mean by "almost kissed"?
Because I almost kiss Vic every time I see him.
No, no, he almost kissed me back. I think.
You think? Okay, wait, what happened?
Well, he walked me home, we were saying goodnight
and then there was this moment.
Moment? What kind of moment?
You know, a moment..
One of those "standing by the door
staring at each other, not saying goodbye" moments.
You know? Oh!
Okay, alright, let's break it down.
During this moment, did he.. Did he lean in?
- I think so, yeah. - Okay, good.
How did his lips look?
Soft and inviting.
No, I know that.
I mean, did they look kind of loose, like..
Like he was gonna kiss you, like..
God, no.
But I...I think he maybe wanted to kiss me.
Good, then you two did almost kiss!
That is so awesome!
No. No, it is not awesome.
We work together.
I have a professional relationship with him.
I don't think of him in that way.
Have you looked at him?
Okay, there was this one time when I had a dream
where he was moving the furniture around in my office
without his shirt on.
Was he sweaty?
So sweaty.
Does he pick you up and spin you around
and say you're the best person to ever work
in the mail room ever?
Okay, I don't wanna talk about this anymore.
And you can't talk about it, either, alright?
Because whatever it was, it was not appropriate.
Okay. What are you gonna do when you see him tomorrow?
Isn't that gonna be kind of weird?
No, no, when I see him at work, I will behave
in a professional manner, and that will be the end of it.
Hey, do you ever have the one where he's a fireman
and he rescues me from the burning mail room?
- No. - You should. It's awesome.
[laughter]
Yeah.
Dinner was great. Thanks.
- Oh, you're very welcome. - Um, would you like to come in?
Oh, I really shouldn't. It's getting kind of late.
Oh. It's only 10 o'clock.
Really? Seems like 10:30.
How about I make you a drink?
Olivia, I'd love that, but, uh..
I'm trying to be a gentleman here.
Well, stop.
Jeff, are you okay?
Goodnight, Mrs. Thorpe.
[knock on door]
- Yeah. - Hey, Val, you got a sec?
Uh, yeah, sure.
We got the contact sheets back from Christina's new
"Rolling Stone" cover. I need you to take a look.
There's like three of them here that really blew me away.
She's wearing this buckskin thing.
Butt-skin?
- Buck-skin. - Oh. Right.
You can probably see 'em better from over here.
Oh, okay, of course. I'm on my way.
[clears throat]
Take a look at, uh, number 23.
The wind is kind of blowing her hair in her face
but, uh, we can probably Photoshop that.
Hmm. Um, did, uh, did you want to sit?
Oh, yeah, um, you mind if I grab your desk chair?
No problem.
Whoo.
Phew.
Ah! I think I am starting to work up a sweat here.
Uh, okay.
Uh, I think number 23 is great.
I love the, excuse me, the buckskin thing.
And Photoshop, perfect.
I have a 9:30 that I'm
I'm gonna go to.
Hey, where would I go to find a copy of Val's movie?
Val, Val, Val. So Val did a sex movie.
Who hasn't?
You guys talking about "The Butt-tender"?
Did she also tell you that she turned down $35
and a sandwich to be in the sequel?
You know, before your sister came out with us
the day after Tequila Tuesday was my day.
A day to hear my name spoken in hushed tones
while I faked embarrassment and regret.
You will not believe what I just heard.
What did I do now?
Vic and Val are having an affair.
- That was my scoop. - No, they're not.
I knew it. When they left the bar together last night
they were all over each other.
Oh, wait a minute, guys--
I heard that Val is wearing the same clothes
that she had on yesterday.
That is my signature move!
What is happening?
You guys have blown this--
[all talking at once]
Stop it!
I am telling you, there is nothing going on
between Val and Vic.
Well, if Val's sister says nothing happened
I guess we have to believe Val's sister.
Look, he walked her back to our apartment.
They almost kissed, and that was it.
[gasps] Val and Vic almost kissed!
And that's from the sister. That's gold.
Does the second floor know?
No! No, d-don't tell anyone!
Don't just stand there.
Be shocking! Take off your top or something.
Eh, they don't wanna see those again.
Hey, Val, if you happen to see Vic today--
Nothing happened. He came in here, leaned on me
took off his coat, and moved the furniture.
- I was completely professional. - What?
This is why I never should've gone out last night.
The, he, he.. Vic never would've walked me home..
The almost kiss never would've happened
and I wouldn't have to deal with getting..
...the feelings.
Well, I just came in to warn you.
Some of the chatty Cathys down in the break room
have, uh, been saying that you and Vic are having an affair.
What?
I am telling you, these people have no lives.
But it's okay because I put that little fire out for you.
All everyone is talking about
is how you and Vic almost kissed last night.
And I may have started that fire.
Holly, why would you do that?
I was just trying to protect you.
Everyone was blowing it way out of proportion
so I just told them the truth.
And the truth is, nothing happened.
Yeah, but now it looks like something did happen.
Vic's gonna hear the rumors and think that I told people.
Okay, well, just tell him it was my fault.
No, tell him it was my fault.
Because I was jealous.
Because we were once lovers.
Yes, me and...Val.
- Hey, man. - Hey.
Um, I talked to my mom this morning.
She said you were a total gentleman
and she really had a nice time.
Yeah, well, I had a good time, too.
You know, I've been thinking about it
and, um, my mom's happiness really means a lot to me.
So I just wanted to say that if you two were
to go out again..
...I guess that would be okay.
Thanks, man.
And, um, just so you know, her last boyfriend
was gonna buy me a X-Box. I'm just saying.
Look, I...I don't know, Gary.
I mean, your mom's a nice lady, but.. She's your mom.
I just wouldn't feel right about dating her.
Ooh, I'm so glad you said that.
I don't think I could handle you being my new boss
and my new daddy.
Me neither. Hey, can I tell you something?
You know that picture of you in the foyer
with the red-and-black jacket thingy?
Yeah.
A little gay.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Hey, Val, I got your message. What's up?
Um, well...come in.
- You okay? - Yeah. Uh...fine.
Um, there are some rumors
floating around the office
that you and I last night
almost kissed.
- Oh. - Yeah.
I just, I wanted you to know about it.
I mean, I didn't want you to think that I had been
going around telling everybody.
No, no, Holly has.
Right.
So, um, you talked to Holly about last night.
Yes, I did.
And she thought..
That we almost kissed.
So, did we?
I think so.
Uh, I mean, I know I almost kissed you
and, uh, I've been trying to figure out
if you almost kissed me, because when I leaned
I thought maybe you leaned, and if you didn't, then I'm so--
- No, I-I did. - What?
I leaned.
- So we both leaned. - Yeah.
That's interesting.
- But.. - Yes. Yes. But.
[chuckling]
But what?
But I think it's probably the best thing
if we just pretend like it didn't happen.
Go on, business as usual, totally professional.
Oh.
Why?
What were you thinking?
That you're kinda fantastic.
Oh. Thank you.
And I think you are a, um, charming..
...funny...incredible... boss-person.
And?
And you're pretty.
But, uh, this is just a bad idea.
Well, it's a horrible idea.
Yeah. Just, it shouldn't happen.
Well, it can't happen.
No, that can't happen.
Yeah, alright, I got it. I got it.
Uh, so from, uh, now on, strictly professional.
You're the boss.
Hey.. Uh..
I'm sorry. Am I interrupting something?
- No. - No.
Vic and I were just, uh.. No.
Yeah, and feel free to spread that around.
Ms. Tyler, good day.
[Vic clears throat]
Is, uh, everything okay in here?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
What happened?
Nothing. Nothing happened.
Something happened. Look at your face.
Did you and him..
Okay, here's the deal.
I am not willing to talk about this here
with Holly from the mail room, but maybe if you can
keep your mouth shut, I will go home and talk about it
with Holly, my sister.
You wanna call it a day?
Let's go.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]