Let's roll!
Hey! l'm coming!
Huh?!
Yes!
- Are you and l going fast? - Hey!
- Hello? - Walter?
- Yes? - l have some bad news.
lt's about your two uncles, son.
Walter?
Walter? Walter?
Good news--
you're spending the summer with your two uncles.
lt's just gonna be for a few weeks. A month or two, tops.
Scout's honor, okay?
Cross my heart and hope to die, okay?
Where are you going this time?
The Fort Worth College of Court Reporting.
l met a guy last night.
He's gonna pull some strings.
Walter, you're gonna have to learn to trust people,
or you're gonna grow up bitter and disappointed.
You're gonna have fun with your two uncles. You'll see.
Mom, you're an only child.
l know what uncles are.
Well, Mr. Smarty Pants,
lt just so happens, they really are your uncles.
Your great-uncles.
My mother's brothers.
They disappeared 40 years ago and just showed up back here in Texas.
- Can't l come with you? - No!
Honey, l'm gonna be working my tail off learning court reporting.
l'm doing everything l can to keep this family together.
How about a little help here, okay?
Now, look-- they say these two old men
got millions stashed away in cash.
Nobody knows where they got it.
Got no kids, no one to leave all that money to.
You and me, we're as close as any family they got.
You want them to like me
so they'll die and leave us their money?
We could buy a house, maybe settle down.
Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
Oh, look! Here it is.
Here it is, honey. Here it is.
By the way,
l hear these two were in some state nuthouse for 40 years.
Got all their money from a big lawsuit or something.
But then there's lots of stories about them.
Who knows what to believe?
Just find out where they stashed all that money, okay?
Maybe we should've called first.
No. Older people just love surprises!
Here we are.
Okay.
Go away, go away!
Hey, go away! Shoo!
Show 'em you're friendly, honey. Let them smell your hand.
They must be down there by that lake.
Let's go! Come on!
There he is!
- Winged him. - He's running for it.
- Damn! Empty. - Get ammo. l'll keep him covered.
Yoo-hoo!
Huh?
Yoo-hoo!
You send for a hooker?
Uncle Hub, Uncle Garth, it's me, Mae!
Mae!
Pearl's daughter.
And l brought Walter,
your nephew.
- Relatives. - Damn! God.
We're old, damn it. Leave us alone!
The last thing we need is some little sissy boy
hanging around all summer.
Walter, honey,
why don't you wait out here and play, okay? l'll be a minute.
He could help out around here, do chores.
Help out? Your kid's a damn wienie.
l know. That's why he needs to be around real men,
like you two. lt won't be for long.
He's got to cook for his damn self. l'm not cooking.
Nice doggie. Come play.
This is for your own good, Walter.
You know--
l bet all that money is hidden real close by.
lmagine, a real buried treasure
just like in those books you're always reading.
Walter, maybe if you'd learn to smile once in a while,
then people might like you.
Now, come on, how about a big smile to remember you by?
Okay? Come on!
You're gonna have to work on that smile while l'm gone, okay?
Bye, honey! Bye!
Well?
lf my mom calls, can we hear the telephone out here?
Don't have one.
No telephone?!
ls it okay if l go inside and watch television?
Ain't got one.
No television?!
What do you do?
Hey!
Rumor has is you two have millions stashed away.
Why not put some of that money to work for you
with the high yield only investing in gold and silver can bring?
Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh, wee-ooh!
Can l leave you some pamphlets?
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh
Ooh, ooh, wee-ooh, wee-ooh
l can see them dancing, the silhouettes on the shade
l hear the music
All the lovers on parade, open up
l wanna come in again
l thought you were my friend...
Gentlemen, word is out--
you are two sophisticated men of means--
Hey!
Movin' and a-groovin' with that beat
Jumpin' and stompin' on the floor
- Let me in, open up - Let me in, open up
l'll open up that door
l hear the music, let me in
Wee-ooh, wee-ooh.
Nice evening. Peaceful.
Hey, kid.
You sleep up there. ln the tower.
Hey-- we don't know nothing about kids.
- So if you need something... - Find it yourself.
Or better yet, learn to do without.
- We're both getting old. - Fixing to die any time.
So if we kick off in the middle of the night,
you're on your own.
- Jumpy little fella. - Mmm.
Quiet though.
Uncle Hub?
He's sleepwalking.
Brand new mattress and l'm still waking up tired and sore.
So...
you two disappeared for...
40 whole years.
Where were you?
Africa mostly-- Morocco,
Algeria, Kenya--
Not much sadder than a couple of has-beens jabbering
about the good old days.
Those days are through. So are we.
l hate this!
- l hate it! - We're retired.
Gardening is what retired people do.
What do we want any damn vegetables for anyway?
They're good for you. Make you live to be 100.
Oh yeah? Yeah? To hell with that.
You live to be 100.
- Hey, Uncle Hub! - Hub, how are you doing?
Kids, say hi to Uncle Hub.
Hub, come back here and see who we brought.
Uncle Garth! Kids, say hi to Uncle Garth!
We're here for a nice long visit.
The whole weekend. We know how lonely our favorite uncles get.
Who the hell are you?
- Walter. - Walter?!
Mae's boy?
Pearl's daughter-- that loose widow woman always running around.
- lt figures she'd muscle in. - ls Mae here?
How long are you here for?
Well, we'll just see about that.
We know what you're up to.
Don't think you're gonna get away with it.
Come on, boys. Come on.
His momma's gonna be back before long.
Oh, that woman? Huh!
From what l hear, she may never come back. What then?
Then you'd be stuck with him.
l'm telling you, take him to the orphanage right this minute.
Whether we take him to the orphanage
or tie him up and throw him in the lake,
it's our business, not yours.
Here he is now, spying!
Ow! Ow, ow!
See what l'm saying? Did you see what he just did?
Mmm-hmm.
Fort Worth College of Court Reporting.
l need to find my mom. She's a student there.
l'm sorry, we're closed.
lt's an emergency. Please?
Her name's Mae-- Mae Coleman.
Um...
No, l'm sorry, there's no Mae Coleman registered here.
Oh! Try Mae Carter.
No, l'm sorry.
Mabel Cartwright?
Mabe Calloway?
Donna Tompko?
Young man, are you in some sort of trouble?
She's gotta be there! She just started.
Listen, our classes started back in January.
No one could have possibly just started.
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Hub, l don't know why you have to drive. lt's my car.
Stop whining.
lf we find the kid, he's gonna get a piece of my mind.
There he is.
Lawyer-- stay in the car!
Hub, come on!
- No, no. You, not me, no. - Hub!
Get out of the car.
Planning your next move?
Where you figure on going?
Here.
Area code 406--
Montana.
How come you're not heading to Fort Worth where your momma is?
She's not there.
She lied...
again.
Listen, kid,
we know you got your heart set on going to Montana,
but it's late.
Hub, help me out here.
Why? lt sounds like his mind's made up.
Good luck in Montana, kid.
We've got better maps than that one at the house, right, Hub?
Yeah, a man needs a good map, that's for sure.
Sure.
l've been to the orphan home before.
l don't want to go back.
Damn it, kid,
it ain't our fault you got a lousy damn mother.
Guess l should get going.
Which way is north?
l'll say one thing for this kid--
he sure pisses off the relatives.
Listen, kid, do us a favor.
lf you come back to the house
and stay awhile,
why, our relatives are gonna hate it.
l'll bet they hate it so much,
they go away and leave us all the hell alone.
- lt's crazy enough it might work. - Sure.
Come on, kid, help us out here.
l guess l could come back...
for a while,
seeing it's so important.
So kid,
how's that root beer?
Uncle Hub, Uncle Garth,
this has been such...
a wonderful weekend.
l hate to bring this up,
but have you two looked at that will l left for you?
You both need to be thinking about these things
at your age.
Don't shoot! Don't shoot.
He's been here before.
Brothers McCann?
This is no ordinary salesman.
Hell, l like me a challenge.
Can we talk?
Come out where we can see you.
Put down your guns and l'll come out.
This guy is good.
l'll cover, you sneak around.
...that's not complete.
What? What do you-- what? What?
- Why not see what he's selling? - Let me just show it to you.
- What the hell for? - lt's right behind my car.
What's the good having money if you never spend it?
- Trust me. - lt could be the kid has a point.
Yeah, well...
we'll see what the man's selling.
- Then we shoot him. - Good plan.
Whew!
Due to the...
unsettling nature of our previous encounters...
l took it upon myself to search the world over for that--
that perfect item that'd be just right
for two exuberant sportsmen such as yourselves.
And boys,
well, l do believe l found it.
Voilą!
What is it?
Well, that right there is the sport of kings.
Up till now, only heads of state have been able to afford
a fine piece of equipment like that,
and it is so simple to operate even this child could do it.
Really?
Here. l'll tell you what--
you step right up here and chunk that lever back on my signal, okay?
Go ahead.
Wow!
The most powerful one on the market,
and very reasonably priced, l might add.
Well, that is the biggest waste of money l have ever seen in my entire life.
Mister, you load up that contraption and get the hell off this land.
We'll take it.
Oh no, you don't!
l won't have my children around this gun foolishness.
Then leave!
- Come on, Daddy, let's go. - Come on. Come on.
You know what happens when my feelings get hurt.
Get in the car. Get in the car.
Ah, ha
Oh, suey!
Pull!
- Uncle Hub? - Don't. l tried to wake him once.
He nearly tore my head off.
Leave him for a few minutes.
What are you doing out here so late?
What's wrong with him?
Well, a man's body may grow old,
but inside his spirit can still be as young and restless as ever.
And him--
in his day, he had more spirit
than 20 men.
lt looks like...
he's looking for something.
- Mm-hmm. - What?
He's looking for her.
Who?
What was her name?
Jasmine.
Okay, tell me.
You want me to tell you the story?
Now?
That would take days.
Well, uh...
Hub was always too restless for Texas.
He convinced our folks
that he needed to go to Europe,
and l needed to come along.
That was the summer of 1914.
l la-like you.
Extra, extra! Germany invades!
Unfortunately, just as we arrived in France,
so did the Kaiser and the entire German Army.
l wanted to go home,
but Hub said we should tour Europe one step ahead of the Germans.
And we did. What a time that was.
There were these girls in Toulon-- twins. And they...
...anyway,
we eventually wound up in Marseilles
with passage booked on the last ship out of Europe.
And Hub, he decided that we should spend our last night
enjoying the local nightlife.
Three, three!
He made friends with these soldiers,
and they bought us some drinks-- strong, strange drinks.
We woke up on a ship
bound for North Africa-- shanghaied.
- Shanghaied? - Yeah.
We found ourselves in the French Foreign Legion.
''lt's all my fault, '' Hub said, but he told me not to worry.
He'd make sure nothing happened to me.
We fought many battles against overwhelming odds.
He saved my life countless times.
When the war was over, we both went our separate ways.
l ended up leading safaris
mostly for writers and Hollywood folk.
But that was too tame for Hub.
He got commissions from the new North African governments,
to put an end to the slave trade.
No one, slave trader or Bedouin,
had ever seen anything like this mad American
who fought like 20 men.
Hey!
What the hell are you two doing out here in the middle of the night?
Just enjoying the cool night air.
Either one of you got a lick of sense,
go to bed.
l'm a rolling stone from Texas
Rolling stones from the plains
l am a rolling stone from Texas, boys
l long to be back there again
Well, say, are you from Texas?
That's what l'm wanting to know
'Cause if we're both from Texas, boys
Let's bundle up our clothes and go...
''Dear Walter,
how are you? Found your uncles' money yet?
Here l am at school in Fort Worth,
my nose to the court reporting grind... ''
Damn it, brother, l'm not going anywhere looking like this.
Look like a damn sharecropper.
We're gardeners. This is what gardeners wear.
l bought you some clothes too. They're in your room.
Think how good all these vegetables are gonna taste.
Peas, beans,
squash, tomatoes.
- Yeah. - What's this row?
- Beets. - Beets?
And what about this row?
- Potatoes. - Potatoes?
Yeah.
Wait one damn minute here.
- What's this row here? - Tomatoes.
- Tomatoes? - Yeah.
That's lettuce, squash,
sweet potatoes, carrots, bok choy.
- Bok Choy? What is that? - Chinese cabbage.
Hey, that row looks right.
Yeah, well, this is corn!
All those seeds did look alike, come to think of it.
- Yeah, like corn. - Boy...
that seed salesman sure saw us coming.
No, saw you coming.
Corn, corn, corn!
Nothing but corn.
Corn. Corn.
- By God, it's here! - Kid, help him unload.
We'll be right back.
Careful, kid. He's a man-eater.
ls this the McCann place? We brought your lion.
King of the beasts. Terror of the jungle.
You bought a lion? A used lion?
Stand back, kid, you don't want to get mauled and eaten.
- What are you doing? - Brother,
this is the best idea you ever had.
This lion head will sure look good hanging over our fireplace.
What fireplace? You don't have a fireplace.
We'll buy one.
You're gonna shoot it?
Well, be seeing you.
He's in there, all right.
l don't think this is very sporting.
Kid, at our age, this is as sporting as we get.
Walter, come here.
When l give the word, pull this.
Pull!
Hey.
Come on out of there.
Hey, you in the crate!
Get your lion butt out of there.
Looks awful tame.
This lion's no good.
lt's-- it's defective.
- lt's alive, that's the main thing. - Go ahead and shoot it then.
No, it wouldn't be sporting, shooting it inside a crate.
Looks kind of old...
worn-out looking.
Some kind of lion hunt this is.
Perfect. A reject.
Some sick zoo castoff.
So can l keep him?
l'll look after him and take care of him and feed him and everything!
l never had a pet of my very own before.
So kid, you want to take care of it, nurse it back to health?
Good. Then we shoot it.
That's some lion you bought.
That's some garden seeds you bought.
Don't worry, they're not as bad as they seem right at first.
l'll be right back with supper.
There. Now you can see out.
You sure he can't get out?
She. lt's a girl lion.
l named her Jasmine.
What did you just say?
lt seemed like a good name-- for a lion.
l'm sorry it took awhile to come in.
ln 40 years, l never had a call for it.
''Purina Lion Chow.''
l'll be!
lf you wait a few minutes, my boys will load you up.
l got it.
Garth, pay the man.
Be careful.
Mr. McCann, those are bags that weigh 50 pounds a piece.
Take the other end.
Here we go.
lf you two old ladies want to get in, l'll take you home now.
Hub!
Psst!
Little boy!
You're with those McCann brothers?
l know that they're ex-mafia hit men.
They're on the run with millions
that they stole from Al Capone.
Tell me more about Africa--
about you and Uncle Hub and Jasmine.
Why would a smart kid like you want to hear hokey old stories?
What else do we have to do?
Where was l?
''No one, slave trader or Bedouin,
had ever seen anything like this mad American
who fought like 20 men. ''
Yeah right, right, right. Well, it so happened...
one of the women that Hub freed
was handmaiden to a princess.
When she told her mistress the story of her rescue,
most of all, she told her about the handsome, heroic American.
''l must meet this man!'' The princess said.
One day, Hub was riding his horse along the Mediterranean,
when out of nowhere, another rider came up alongside.
But you know Hub-- he wasn't about to let a chance pass.
lt became a race.
Most people say that Hub was the best rider in North Africa.
But this other rider kept neck and neck
as the race went on and on.
Then the two horses collided.
The riders went flying into the sea.
Hub leaped to his feet ready for anything--
or so he thought.
This was the princess,
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
- Jasmine! - Jasmine.
Many people say there's no such thing nowadays,
it's something you only find in stories,
but when these two set eyes on each other for the first time,
this was honest to god, no kidding, sure enough,
once in a lifetime,
love at first sight.
Wait a minute. lf it was true love
they would've been married and lived happily ever after, right?
Aren't you getting ahead of the story?
- Okay, keep going. - Well...
things weren't easy for them back then.
She was promised to another man,
a powerful sheik in a neighboring kingdom.
He heard that Jasmine was in love with another,
so he threatened her father,
and took Jasmine off to his kingdom
and locked her up in his harem.
She told the other wives that she would rather die
than marry this heartless sheik.
She had a knife on her.
And when he came for her that night,
she was going to slit her own throat.
What did Uncle Hub do?
They got married, and lived happily ever after.
The end.
But wait,
if they lived happily ever after,
then they got married, and she'd be here right now with us, right?
Didn't they have kids? Where are they?
Nurse? What's going on?
l wish they'd tell us something.
Get out of my face!
Where'd you put my damn pants? Where's my pants?
- You can't do that! - Gimme my pants!
Who put me in here? Who put me in here? You two!
Hospitals-- lot of good they are.
How would you know? You're never in one long enough to find out.
Hey, you missed the turn.
- l did not. - Home is that way.
l wanna go this way.
Doctor, where is Mr. McCann?
Oh, l'm afraid he's gone.
Well, he led a long full life.
Where is the body?
No, he's gone-- left.
Mr. McCann checked himself out.
Left?!
Brother,
someday you're gonna have to start acting your age.
What the hell does that mean?
All your life, you've never been frightened of anything.
So what's eating at you now?
Getting old?
- Dying? - Hell no.
- What then? - Being useless.
When we were young there was always a reason,
there was a point. Things made sense.
Now there's no point to anything.
So what do we do? We garden.
We outlived our time, brother.
- Go get some beers. - All right.
Hey, old man,
how's that barbecue?
Give me some.
We're busy, boy. Get lost, all right?
What did you say?
Here's a perfect example of what l've been talking about.
Since this boy was suckling on his momma's tit,
he's been given everything but discipline.
And now his idea of courage and manhood
is to get together with a bunch of punk friends
and ride around irritating folks...
too good natured to put a stop to it.
Hey, who do you think you are, huh?
Just a dumb kid, Hub.
- Don't kill him. - Right.
l'm Hub McCann.
l fought in two World Wars
and countless smaller ones on three continents.
l led thousands of men into battle with everything
from horses and swords to artillery and tanks.
l've seen the headwaters of the Nile,
and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before.
l've won and lost a dozen fortunes,
killed many men
and loved only one woman
with a passion a flea like you
could never begin to understand.
That's who l am.
Now, go home, boy!
We'll show these old bastards who's tough!
- Get out your knife. - Yeah.
Now, boys,
you're fixing to let those teenage hormones
get you into a world of trouble.
Damn it, Garth. Did l ask you to butt in?
Hub, you just come out of the hospital.
Well, there's-- there's only four of 'em.
Yeah, but-- look, you fight this one first.
And then l'll let you fight the other three after, okay?
Yeah. Watch this, kid!
Now you! You better pick that knife up,
'cause, son, you're gonna need all the help you can get.
- Come on, Frankie! - Get him.
Get him, Frankie, cut him!
Ahh!
Shoot, oldest trick in the book.
Okay, okay.
You hold it wrong, son. Not like this.
You always do it like this-- smooth.
- Try it again. - Come on, Frankie.
Come on, Frankie, get him!
- Cut him - Come on. Okay.
- Get him, Frankie, cut him. - Yeah, you got him!
Frankie, come on!
- Stop, stop, ahh! - You're breaking his arm!
You three had better get in there and help him.
Why aren't you helping him?
Hub always hogs the bad guys. He's selfish that way.
But there's four of them!
Three of them.
Go on, Hub! Hey, there's my boy!
Like this, kid? Pretty good, huh?
- Couldn't you share? - Nah.
After 40 years, l'm used to it.
Ahhh!
Besides, right now, l figure he needs them worse than l do.
Go on, Hub!
This'll hold him though. This'll hold him.
Please! Please!
They're not back yet, Daddy.
l'm sure with Hub just out of the hospital,
they're taking it slow and easy on the way home.
Yeah.
Oh, l hate this house. l hate it.
When those two finally drop dead,
l want you to burn this place to the ground, Daddy.
Hey, what's that?
Beats me.
- Let's tear it up! - Yeah.
What is it?
lt's stuffed!
- Mom! - Mom!
- He's alive! - What? What happened?
l told you about those lies of yours. No!
Hey, don't step on my shoes!
What have you done with Uncle Hub?
Kid, get some meat.
Where's Uncle Hub?
Oh, Lord, there's been an accident.
l wanna go home now.
You're in no shape to go home now.
lt was a fight. Uncle Hub won. lt was great.
- Ahh! - The lion really did try to eat us.
- Shush. - Jasmine?
Oh Jasmine! l haven't fed her all day.
l bet she's really hungry. l got to go feed her.
Here, here!
Here you go, Jasmine.
Jasmine?
- There really is a lion. - Lion?! You got a lion?
- lt's locked up. - No it isn't. lt tried to eat us.
- lt really tried to eat us. - Get the guns!
- Get out of the way. - Get the guns.
Come here, come here.
Jasmine?
Jasmine? Jasmine? Jasmine?
Come on. Oh!
Eew, lion spit. No, stop.
Don't shoot, you'll hit him.
Come on. Whoa!
They're gone.
- We might be too late. - Move in.
You stay. Stay.
Jasmine!
Stop, stop.
Attack him!
She's feeling a lot better.
Get off of me!
We're leaving.
We are not coming back until you get rid of that monster.
Well, the lion stays.
All right, that's it. Come on, Daddy.
Daddy! Come on!
Bye, Uncle Hub. Bye, Uncle Garth!
Shut up. Get in the car.
l need a drink bad. l'm having a bad day.
You boys hungry?
- Wanna stay for supper? - What are we gonna eat?
Meat.
A lotta meat.
She won't come out of the cornfield.
This cornfield's the closest thing to a jungle she's ever seen.
She knows this is where she belongs.
- l think she's happy. - l think she is.
What about you? You happy?
What's he saying to them?
He's giving them his ''What every boy needs to know
about being a man'' speech.
A lot of men have heard that speech over the years.
A lot of men.
- Will he give that speech to me? - Oh, l guarantee it.
Assuming he's still around, of course.
Hey, you didn't finish that story about Uncle Hub and Jasmine.
You don't believe all this Africa stuff?
lt's a good story.
Well, after he rescued Jasmine,
several years passed, wonderful years.
Never were two people so happy,
so in love.
lt was perfect.
Except for one thing.
- The sheik. - The sheik.
He hated Hub for stealing Jasmine,
so he put a price on Hub's head.
10,000 pieces of gold-- a fortune.
Assassins came from miles around.
Come on!
He and Jasmine had to be on guard
every minute of every day.
Hub knew he and Jasmine couldn't run forever,
that sooner or later their luck would run out.
There was only one thing to do.
So one day an assassin led Hub, bound in chains,
into the sheik's fortress
to claim his 10,000 pieces of gold.
What?!
They gave the assassin bags and bags of gold
as the sheik ordered Hub
down to the notorious Dungeon of 1,387 Tortures.
What kind of greedy, no-good scum would turn in Uncle Hub for money?
Well, l would.
Ah, it was a trick.
Yeah, it was a trick.
ln the dungeon, l drew my sword...
and single-handedly slaughtered everyone in there
and freed Hub without dropping
a single gold coin.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You saved Uncle Hub,
all this time carrying hundreds of pounds of gold?
You don't believe l killed all those men and saved Hub?
Well, Hub might've helped just a little.
- Uh-oh. - We were greatly outnumbered.
We fought against incredible odds.
And when it was over, we split up.
Each one knew what the other had to do.
High in his opulent bedchamber,
the sheik slept.
He awoke with Hub's sword across his throat.
The sheik was terrified,
but Hub just lowered his blade.
''Defend yourself!'' Hub cried.
And he threw the sheik a sword.
The sheik knew that he would surely die now,
without even the right to beg for mercy.
But Hub just said,
''Twice l have held your life in my hands,
and twice l have given it back to you.
The next time...''
...your life is mine.
And from that moment on,
the assassination attempts stopped.
Some say it was because the sheik
was afraid that Hub would return and kill him.
Others said because Hub had spared his life,
the sheik did the honorable thing and let his enemy live.
Personally, l think it's because
the sheik was so damn busy once they discovered oil in his kingdom.
He became one of the five richest men in the world.
What?! The bad guy gets filthy rich?
What the heck kind of story ends that way?
l just told it the way it happened.
- Bye. - So long.
So that's how you got all your money?
- The gold from the sheik? - Well..
Yeah.
Those young men'll be okay now.
- Will you? - Yeah.
l feel old and worn out.
- You've been busy. - Yeah.
Terrorizing doctors and nurses,
beating up teenagers, chasing after lions--
you've had a full day.
Lucky those boys don't know diddly-squat about fighting.
Won't be long till the kid here can whup my ass.
Won't be long till l'll be helpless in a fight.
Useless!
You'll feel better in a day or two.
Yeah, well...
l'm going to bed. Good night, kid.
So...
you finally gonna tell me what happened to Jasmine?
- Nope. - What?!
You wanna know what happened to Jasmine
you're gonna have to ask him.
Ask Uncle Hub?
Are you crazy? Look what happened last time.
l'm tired of doing all the dirty work around here.
lf you wanna hear the end of this story,
you're gonna have to ask him.
- Hub? - Yeah?
- An airplane? - Yep, always wanted one.
You always said you'd never set foot in an airplane.
You don't trust them to fall right out of the sky.
They're dangerous, all right, plenty dangerous.
You got a book of instructions or something?
Yeah, right here.
You don't know a damn thing about airplanes.
Well, l'm gonna learn, l tell you.
Aha! lt says right here,
''To climb, pull back on the stick;
to descend, push forward on the stick.''
l'll have this thing up in the air in no time.
Whoo! Damn.
Maybe it's just a new hobby.
Maybe he doesn't really mean to...
you know, do something crazy.
You think so?
You ask him yet?
About Jasmine?
You'd better make it quick.
What the hell?
lt's the middle of the night.
What's the matter? What are you doing here?
You got something to say to me?
Spit it out.
What happened to her, Uncle Hub?
What happened to Jasmine?
l have to know. l have to.
She died.
Died in childbirth. Her and the baby.
What did you do?
Went back to the only life l knew-- back to the Legion.
For the next 40 years, there was always one more war to fight.
Then l got old and came here.
Here l am.
You cold, son?
You'd better-- here.
You'd better-- you'd better go inside.
Good boy, thank you. Good boy.
Those stories about Africa...
about you...
they're true, aren't they?
- Doesn't matter. - lt does too.
Around my mom all l hear is lies. l don't know what to believe in.
lf you want to believe in something, then believe in it.
Just because something isn't true, no reason you can't believe in it.
All right.
There's a long speech l give to young men.
Sounds like you need to hear a piece of it.
Just a piece.
Sometimes the things that may or may not be true
are the things that a man needs to believe in the most.
That people are basically good;
That honor...
courage and virtue mean everything;
That power and money, money and power mean nothing;
That good always triumphs over evil;
And l want you to remember this, that love...
true love never dies. You remember that, boy.
You remember that.
Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see,
a man should believe in those things, because...
those are the things worth believing in.
Got that?
That was a good speech.
Think so? Thanks.
Yeah...
When are you gonna give me the rest of the speech?
When you're almost a man.
- You promise? - Wait one minute here. Wait--
l can't be a good man until you give me the rest of the speech, right?
You need to stick around until l'm old enough to hear the whole thing.
- l see what you're trying to pull. - You have to stick around
- until l'm old enough-- - l'll write it down.
No! l want you to give me the speech!
You won't be living here then.
You're my uncle. l need you to stick around and be my uncle.
What about Uncle Garth?
He needs you.
W-what about the dogs and the pig,
and the lion? We all need you. l need you.
- No, you're just being silly. - No, it's true!
- You're being silly. - lt's true!
l know you miss Jasmine an awful, awful lot.
But if you go,
we'll miss you just as much.
lt's true.
All right, damn it, you win.
l'll stick around and be your damn uncle.
Don't expect me to be happy about it.
All right? Deal?
Oh-hh!
Ohh, ohh.
You're a good boy.
Walter, Walter!
Get ready. Walter!
This money look stolen to you?
Try to help you
l can't do it all by myself...
Try to help you
l can't do it all by myself.
Oh, honey, you're so funny.
No!
- Whoop! - Oh!
Shh, quiet!
- Mom! - Hi, honey.
Walter, Walter, this is Stan.
l've heard a lot about you, Walter.
Your uncles still sleeping?
Best not wake 'em up.
Shh, come on. Wanna go sit down?
You got so big.
So Stan here is a detective.
A real private eye just like in the movies.
- Wow, really? - Sure, sure.
You wanna see my badge?
Stan works in Las Vegas. How about that?
- What about court reporting school? - Oh, l had to quit.
Stan wants me to stay home and be a wife and mother.
Won't that be wonderful?
l bet you found out where your uncles hid all that money, huh?
Why do you want to know?
Walt, your uncles match the description
of two bank robbers from the '20s and '30s.
- No, you're wrong. - When Mae told me about them,
l got copies of the reports and showed them to her.
lt's them, honey.
They used shotguns. They wore disguises.
They stole all that money. And they shot people--
innocent people.
No, not them. lt can't be.
Stan knows what he's talking about, honey.
What about Jasmine?
She and Uncle Hub were in love. They--
- l have her picture. - Honey, wasn't Jasmine
the woman who was driving the getaway car?
- Oh, right. - Oh, Jasmine...
she was wounded.
And they just drove off...
and left her for dead.
l know this hurts, son.
But they're criminals, and they lied to you.
My poor baby!
Oh, in the arms of vicious criminals.
We came just as soon as we found out.
We've come to take you away.
Now, l want you to tell Stan where the money is,
then we'll go pack your things, okay?
Why do you need to know where the money is?
Look at me, son.
Because it doesn't belong to them.
lt's stolen.
Why, it's probably hidden right outside here somewhere, right?
Close by?
l'll tell you what, why don't we take a little walk, huh?
Show us around the place. What do you say?
Let's go.
Well, Walt, your mother and l found a nice house.
Don't have enough money for the down payment though.
We could always turn your uncles in for the reward money,
but they'd go to jail.
Since all that money's stolen, honey,
we got a right to it just as much as they do.
We'll have a nice family and nobody gets hurt.
lsn't it wonderful, Walter? lt's what we always wanted.
So where is it?
They're old, they're gonna die soon anyway.
You want Uncle Sam to end up with all that dough?
Just tell us.
Hub and Garth didn't rob any banks. They were in Africa.
Africa! Oh, Walter, be serious.
Really! They were shanghaied into the Foreign Legion,
and had adventures for 40 years. They couldn't have robbed any banks!
Come on, pal. You don't believe all that, do you?
- Sure, l do! - You?! Mr. Doubting Thomas?
Here Stan's got actual evidence and you believe that Africa crap?!
Yes. Yes, l do.
Mae, you should go wait on the porch.
We're gonna have a little chat, man to man.
Why don't we talk in the barn? What do you say?
Come on!
Getting warmer? Huh?
No, let go!
Let's you and me get something straight.
We can be friends or we can be enemies.
l've had a run of crummy luck lately.
l know some bad people who want to cause a lot of trouble for me.
l need that money and l know it's close.
l'll be damned if some snot-nosed kid is gonna stand in my way.
So what's it gonna be, pal?
Friends or enemies?
Defend yourself.
Huh?
Where is it?!
Where's the money? Where is it?
Tell me where it is!
Where is it?!
l heard some noise.
Oh God!
Jasmine?
Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! Stan!
lt's dead.
Oh my God, he's dead! Stan's dead!
No, he'll live. l'm talking about the lion.
Oh!
We have to get him to the hospital. Mae, get your car.
- l can't, l can't! - Mae, your car!
- Get it, get it! - Okay, okay.
- Let's get this lion off him. - Okay.
This man's gonna need some stitches.
A lotta damn stitches.
What happened to her?
lt looks like her heart gave out in all the excitement.
- Yeah. - She was plenty old, you know?
Look--
l think she's smiling.
Yeah. l guess she died happy.
She died with her boots on, that's the main thing.
Protecting her cub.
She was a real lion, wasn't she?
There at the end.
Sure.
A real jungle lion.
A real Africa lion.
You finished packing?
Your momma's gonna be back from the hospital soon.
You can wait for her on the front porch.
Stay right here.
Don't you move a muscle.
So you all packed? Where's your suitcase?
Don't be fresh.
- Upstairs in my room. - Well, let's go get it.
Howdy, Stan.
You know, you're lucky, Stan.
Lucky that lion got to you before we did.
l wonder what your uncles are saying to Stan.
Probably their ''What every boy needs to know about being a man'' speech.
Well, l'm glad to see they're making friends.
So you all set?
Let's go.
To make a long story short, Stan, you and me, we can be friends...
or we can be enemies.
Well, boys, l hope Walter wasn't too much trouble.
- We managed. - What's gonna happen to him?
A man like that's got no business being around your boy.
Well, of course not. What kind of a mother would l be?
l'm gonna drop him off in Las Vegas.
l-- l'll be back for the...
rest of that speech if...
l'll be here.
Good boy.
Thanks for the s-stories
and everything. lt-- it--
it meant an--
an awful, awful lot.
l'm glad.
Well, come on, honey. We're burning daylight.
Damn.
She doesn't deserve that kid.
Maybe we should get a lawyer.
No judge is gonna take a child away from its mother
and give it to two old bachelor uncles.
Maybe she'll sell him to us. How much money we got?
Hub...
there's nothing we can do. He's gone.
So where are we going?
l told you, Las Vegas.
l mean after. After we drop Stan off.
Well, honey, Stan's gonna need a lot of looking after.
Walter!
What are you doing?!
Oh my God!
Walter! Walter!
Walter, stop!
Stop right there!
What's gotten into you?
Oh, honey, are you all right? You gave me a heart attack.
You're still marrying him after everything.
Oh, he's not so bad.
A little rough around the edges, but he can change.
Mom!
He says he loves me.
- Has he hit you yet? - Mind your own business!
You always think a new boyfriend solves everything,
but you always pick losers, and he's the worst of them all.
Walter, l had no choice.
Maybe you don't.
What?
- Mom? - What?
Do something for me.
For once.
Do something that's best for me.
Okay?
Salesmen ought to be here in two, three hours.
- Whoop-de-doo. - Uh-huh.
Lookie yonder.
Okay, if l'm gonna live here,
there's gonna be some conditions.
Conditions?
One, you two gotta stick around
until l'm through with high school at least,
preferably college.
You both got responsibilities now--
PTA, Boy Scouts, Little League,
the works.
Sounds like we don't have much choice.
Two, you both gotta take better care of yourselves.
More vegetables, less meat.
l wonder if traveling salesmen sell school supplies?
And three,
no more dangerous stuff.
No fighting teenagers, no airplanes--
Now wait one minute--
At least till l'm through with college.
- Maybe longer. - What do you expect us to die of?
Old age?
Well...
welcome home.
- Hello? - Walter?
- Yes? - This is Sheriff Grady.
l'm afraid l have some bad news for you.
lt's about your two uncles.
l'm sorry, they passed away.
There was an accident...
and it's a blessing that they didn't suffer.
lt's a blessing too, in a way, that they went together.
You understand.
l'm over here at your uncles' place now.
You need to come on over here.
You need to see this for yourself.
- Walter? - How you doing?
All right.
Best l can figure, they were trying to fly
through that barn upside down.
Had a bunch of reporters out here earlier, even CNN.
l guess any time a biplane...
from the First World War crashes doing acrobatics,
being flown by two 90-year-old men--
neither one of them with pilot's licenses--
well...
well, they had a good long run, both of them.
They went out with their boots on.
Here. l found their will.
''The kid gets it all.
Just plant us in the damn garden...
with the stupid lion.''
Hey!
We've got some company.
This is it.
This is where they lived.
lt's okay. Come here, buddy.
Come here. Look at this.
Forgive me.
We were in Houston when we heard their names on the news,
and, well, we just had to come.
When l was a boy, my grandfather told me such stories.
- Your grandfather? - A very wealthy sheik.
He used to love to tell me stories about his wild youth.
Amazing, unbelievable stories all about two brothers,
Hub and Garth McCann,
the most valiant and brave men, huh?
He called them his ''most honored adversaries.''
''The only men who ever outsmarted me.''
Wait, so you--
you knew these two men?
They-- they raised me.
lt's an honor.
- Nice to meet you. - lt's nice to meet you.
Wow.
Aha.
l see they spent my grandfather's gold wisely.
Yeah.
Well, there was this one traveling salesman.
So...
the two men from great grandfather's stories,
they really lived?
Yeah...
they really lived.
l'm a rolling stone from Texas
Rolling stone from the plains
l'm a rolling stone from Texas, boys
l long to be back there again
Well, say, are you from Texas?
That's what l'm wanting to know
'Cause if we're both from Texas, boys
Let's bundle up our clothes and go...
They say a rolling stone never gathers no moss
As long as it's rolling along
Oh, but l don't care if l gathered any moss
lf it's in my Texas home
l've got a little girl a-waiting
Her name is Patricia Jane
And l'll never be happy till l'm by her side
Out on those west Texas plains...