PREVIOUSLY ON THE L WORD...
[SHANE]: I'D HATE TO APPLY TO BE OUR ROOMMATE.
AFTERNOON, LADIES.
MARK WAYLAND HERE.
MY DIRECT-TO-VIDEO GIG PAYS.
I CAN GIVE YOU FIRST, LAST, SECURITY, AND SIX MONTHS' RENT
UPFRONT, IN CASH.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE T.O.E. BEFORE, KIT?
UH, NO.
WELCOME TO THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING.
BENJAMIN AND T.O.E. ARE GOING TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
LADY WITH THE FLASHING EYES.
HI. IT'S BETTE PORTER FOR HELENA PEABODY.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
OUR MUSEUM HAS A LONG-STANDING RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE PEABODY FOUNDATION.
WE ALWAYS FUNDED THE ARTS VERY GENEROUSLY.
BUT I HOPE YOU'RE NOT SPEAKING IN THE PAST TENSE.
I'M ALWAYS INTERESTED IN PEOPLE WITH SPECIAL SKILLS.
I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO.
YOU'D BE MY NEW ASSISTANT.
I DON'T GET IT. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
DO YOU WANT TO DANCE?
DON'T WORRY.
I'VE MADE LOVE TO A PREGNANT WOMAN BEFORE.
NO!
THIS IS MY BUDDY, GOMEY.
YOU SO FUCKING SCORED.
WILL YOU CUT MY HAIR?
[SCISSORS SNIP]
[***]
IT'S THE SECOND SET OF ELEVATORS TO THE RIGHT.
HOLY SHIT.
[***]
[DIALING PHONE]
MARK, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT I'M LOOKING AT.
* GIRLS IN TIGHT DRESSES WHO DRAG WITH MUSTACHES *
* CHICKS DRIVING FAST INGENUES WITH LONG LASHES *
* WOMEN WHO LONG, LOVE, LUST WOMEN WHO GIVE *
* THIS IS THE WAY IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* TALKING, LAUGHING LOVING, BREATHING *
* FIGHTING, FUCKING CRYING, DRINKING *
* WRITING, WINNING LOSING, CHEATING *
* KISSING, THINKING, DREAMING
* THIS IS THE WAY...
* THIS IS THE WAY THAT WE LIVE *
* IT'S THE WAY THAT WE LIVE
* AND LOVE *
I CAN'T LIVE
IN A STRANGER'S GUEST HOUSE
OR SOME MOTEL,
AND I'M NOT GOING BACK TO ALICE'S COUCH.
I DON'T THINK IT'S FAIR THAT I'M BEING PUNISHED
FOR SOMETHING THAT I DIDN'T DO,
SO I'M GOING TO STAY IN THE GUEST ROOM
UNTIL I FIND A PLACE OF MY OWN.
WELCOME HOME.
I'M NOT HOME.
I'VE GAINED SOME WEIGHT.
I DON'T CARE.
YOU DON'T EVEN CARE?
THAT'S NICE.
NO, WHAT I MEANT TO SAY
IS THAT I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE LOOKING AT YOU...
STANDING HERE IN OUR HOUSE.
WELL?
DEFINITELY AN AWARD WINNER.
FUCK YOU, MAN.
THIS IS A QUALITY FUCK TAPE.
MARK HERE. TESTING. TESTING.
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
I'M STARTING A NEW PROJECT.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
YOU'LL SEE.
MAN, I'M YOUR PARTNER. YOU'VE GOT TO TELL ME.
LOOK, I'M NOT READY
TO TALK ABOUT IT YET, OKAY?
IT'S STILL IN ITS CONCEPT STAGES,
BUT I WILL TELL YOU THAT IT IS GENIUS.
[***]
[LAUGHS]
WHAT?
YOU JUST GOT CRUISED.
DO YOU THINK SHE WAS LOOKING AT ME?
OH, YEAH. IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, TOO.
I LOVE MY HAIRCUT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'M SORRY.
I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU SOME FRESH TOWELS.
BETTE...
THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
OKAY.
UM, MAYBE LATER?
WILL YOU BE HOME TONIGHT?
I WILL BE IF YOU WANT ME TO BE.
I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT THEN, OKAY?
OKAY.
HEY.
MY NAME IS MARK WAYLAND,
AND I LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH TWO LESBIANS.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING.
YOU'RE WONDERING IF I'VE HIT IT YET.
WELL, THE THING IS THEY'RE TWO REAL LESBIANS,
OR ELSE I WOULD HAVE,
BUT DON'T WORRY.
I'M STILL GOING TO TRY.
ANYWAY, THIS IS GOING TO BE A PROJECT
WHICH WILL OFFER INSIGHT...
THIS IS FUCKING LAME.
COME IN.
SHUT THE DOOR.
HERE. SIT.
SO?
DOES TINA HAVE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE AN APARTMENT TODAY?
UH, NO, NOT TODAY.
THE OWNER WASN'T AVAILABLE, BUT--
I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR TIME.
DON'T PUSH IT.
OKAY, BUT I THOUGHT TINA NEEDS A PLACE TO--
YOU CALL HER AT HOME
AND TELL HER THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON IT.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO LIE,
I JUST...WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR TIME.
WHEN YOU SAY, "CALL HER AT HOME,"
SHOULD I CALL HER AT THE--
AT OUR HOME.
SHE MOVED BACK IN THIS MORNING.
THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED, RIGHT?
SO WHY DON'T I JUST CANCEL IT?
WELL, BECAUSE IN HER MIND,
SHE'S THINKING THAT IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.
YOU KNOW, SHE'S STILL PLANNING ON FINDING A PLACE OF HER OWN,
AND I'M JUST HOPING THAT ONCE SHE'S ENSCONCED,
SHE'LL DECIDE TO STAY.
I SEE.
SO YOU WANT US TO TAKE OUR TIME LOOKING,
BUT STILL HELP TINA LOOK, BUT NOT REALLY LOOK TOO HARD.
EXACTLY.
AW, FUCK, MARK. NOT AGAIN.
PLEASE. TWO MINUTES. JUST HEAR ME OUT, OKAY?
I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.
I THINK YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO LIKE IT.
WELL, I THINK THAT'S WILDLY PRESUMPTUOUS OF YOU, MARK.
HEY, SHANE...
HELLO.
MARK HERE, ASKING THE GIRLS IF THEY'RE IN.
I'M ABOUT TO SHOW THEM THAT THIS IS MAINLY ABOUT ME,
THAT I WOULD NEVER ASK THEM TO EXPOSE THEMSELVES
IF I WASN'T WILLING TO EXPOSE MYSELF, LIKE, WAY MORE.
FOR EXAMPLE, I MAY TELL ABOUT THE TIME
MY BOY GOMEY USED TO HIDE IN THE CLOSET
WHEN I BROUGHT GIRLS BACK TO OUR DORM ROOM.
THAT ISN'T EXACTLY A SELF-REVELATION, MARK.
OH, I'LL DIG.
I CAN GO WAY DEEPER.
AND WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH US?
RIGHT, OKAY, SO...
I'M STARTING A NEW PROJECT, ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S GREAT.
YES, IT IS GREAT.
IT'S GOING TO BE KIND OF LIKE THIS, UM, THIS JOURNAL
OF MY LIFE WITH THE TWO OF YOU GUYS.
BASICALLY, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE INTERVIEWS EVERY SO OFTEN,
AND AFTER A WHILE,
YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW THE CAMERAS ARE AROUND.
I THINK THIS IS GOING TO BE
THE BEST THING I'VE EVER DONE, REALLY,
AND IF I CAN JUST GET SOME FOOTAGE,
WHICH, I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I THINK I CAN,
THEN I KNOW THAT I CAN GET THIS THING FINANCED,
AND WE CAN ALL GET PAID,
WHICH IS SOMETHING I KNOW YOU BOTH NEED.
MARK, I THINK THAT THERE'S A LOT OF "I"S
CONTRADICTING THE "WE"S IN YOUR RUN-ON SENTENCE.
HMM...
WELL, THAT IS BECAUSE
I AM GOING TO HANDLE ALL OF THE DETAILS
WHILE YOU TWO JUST SIT BACK
AND BE YOUR GORGEOUS, SEXY SELVES
AND GET PAID FOR THAT.
PLUS, I MEAN, HONESTLY THINK ABOUT
HOW EDUCATIONAL THIS IS GOING TO BE
FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
OH...
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE MEANS,
"PEOPLE LIKE US"?
OH, MY. AW...
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE MEANS?
OH, I THINK HE'S REFERRING TO...
BEAN-FIDDLERS.
[GASPS]
OH, THE BOBBING- FOR-APPLE GIRLS.
SAUCINESS. OH, YES.
YES, THE GAY WOMEN.
BUT, HONESTLY, GUYS, JUST THINK.
I MEAN, THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU'RE GOING TO BE--
I KNOW.
HELPING OUT SOME POOR LITTLE LONELY LEZ
IN THE CLOSET IN THE MIDWEST
WITHOUT A ROLE MODEL IN SIGHT.
VERY IMPORTANT.
THAT COULD BE YOU TOO.
MM-HMM.
OKAY.
JUST TO SHOW YOU HOW VERY CERTAIN I AM
THAT I WILL GET THIS FUNDED,
I'LL GIVE YOU BOTH 20 BUCKS APIECE, PER INTERVIEW,
OF MY OWN MONEY.
IS THIS GOING TO BE, LIKE, UH...
WHAT'S THE THING CALLED? UH...
OH! UH.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
RIGHT, RIGHT?
"LESBIANS GONE WILD."
SURE.
OR IS THIS GOING TO BE, LIKE, YOU KNOW--
OR THE MAYSLES BROTHERS?
...MEETS D.A. PENNEBAKER
WITH A LITTLE BIT OF NICK BROOMFIELD THROWN IN THERE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL?
OKAY.
YES? OKAY?
NO.
NO. WE'LL THINK ABOUT IT. MM-HMM.
OKAY.
HOW CUTE WOULD THESE BE
IN THE BACHELORETTE GIFT BAGS?
OH, MY GOD.
[WHOOPING]
[GRUNTING AND GIGGLING]
UM, GUYS, GUYS?
YEAH, UM,
I COULD PROBABLY TAKE CARE
OF THIS WHOLE GIFT-BAG SHOPPING THING MYSELF.
NO, NO. ARE YOU KIDDING?
THIS IS, LIKE, THE BEST PART.
[GASPS]
OH, MY GOD.
LADIES, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE OF THIS?
[MOANING]
TONYA, TONYA...
STOP!
BUT IT'S NICE.
STOP IT.
SHE'S NOT A FAN,
BUT I GUESS THIS IS A LITTLE MORE
UP YOUR ALLEY,
ISN'T IT, ALICE?
ACTUALLY, TONYA,
THIS MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT MORE UP MY ALLEY.
MORE THAN THIS? YEAH, MAYBE A LITTLE.
OH, REALLY? MM-HMM.
OKAY, STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU.
WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER PUT IN YOUR MOUTH, AL?
[GASPS]
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU BISEXUALS.
I MEAN, REALLY.
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS ALREADY, RIGHT, HONEY?
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS ALREADY.
[MARK]: HEY, I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.
WHAT IS THE PRIMARY LESBIAN SEX ACT?
THE PRIMARY LESBIAN SEX ACT?
YEAH, WELL, FOR STRAIGHT PEOPLE,
IT'S FUCKING, RIGHT?
MM-HMM.
AND EVERYTHING WE DO,
THE KISSING, THE FONDLING,
THE FOREPLAY, NYAH-NYAH,
ALL OF IT, IT LEADS UP
TO THAT ONE ULTIMATE FOREGONE CONCLUSION.
AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT LESBIANS DON'T FUCK?
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
UNLESS WE'RE TALKING DILDOS,
WHICH IS COOL, BUT IT'S NOT...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?
IT'S COMPLETELY POSSIBLE.
WHOA, I'M JUST--
I'M ASKING BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW.
I'M TRYING TO GAIN SOME UNDERSTANDING HERE, PLEASE.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE, MARK?
IT'S ENTIRELY POSSIBLE.
I'M SORRY.
IS THIS A JOKE?
MARK, I MEAN, DO YOU WANT US TO DEMONSTRATE?
BECAUSE THIS IS OBVIOUS
WHAT THIS WHOLE THING IS LEADING UP TO, RIGHT?
HEY, NO, LOOK.
IF YOU WERE WRITING A NOVEL
AND YOU HAD SOME QUESTIONS FOR ME,
I WOULD TOTALLY BE THERE FOR YOU.
I'M JUST SIMPLY TRYING TO GAIN SOME INSIGHT HERE, ALL RIGHT?
JUST SIMPLY TRYING TO GAIN AN INSIGHT,
SOME UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE
FOR US GUYS WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND,
SOMETHING WE HAVEN'T HEARD
FROM ANYWHERE ELSE BEFORE.
GOD...
DON'T BE SO AGGRESSIVE...
BECAUSE IT'S EMBARRASSING.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
A SEX TIP FOR ALL US HORNDOGS OUT THERE
FROM THE LESBIAN SEXUAL CONQUISTADOR HERSELF.
ALL RIGHT,
BOILERPLATE RELEASE FORM I NEED YOU TO SIGN.
WHERE'D THE OTHER ONE GO?
UM, I NEED SHANE TO...
SHANE?
WHAT, STILL TOO AGGRESSIVE?
[DOOR OPENS]
HEY...
I MADE TOO MUCH.
DO YOU WANT ME TO FIX YOU A PLATE?
NO, STAY. I'LL GO GET IT.
YOU LOOK REALLY GREAT.
YOU'RE KIND OF...GLOWING.
THANKS.
BETTE, I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT--
GOD, I HAD THE WORST FUCKING DAY TODAY.
THANKS TO PEGGY PEABODY'S CUNT DAUGHTER,
OUR GRANT IS IN JEOPARDY,
AND FRANKLIN'S COMPLETELY FLIPPING OUT.
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW FUCKED I'M GOING TO BE
IF THEY PULL IT.
I SPENT THE DAY RAISING MONEY, TOO.
IT'S INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT?
IMAGINE IF THE WHOLE FUTURE OF THE MUSEUM
THAT YOU'VE DEDICATED
THE LAST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIFE TO
WERE DEPENDING ON IT.
ACTUALLY, THE FUTURE
OF A LOT OF CHILDREN'S EDUCATIONS DEPENDS
ON WHETHER I RAISE THIS MONEY.
I WASN'T SUGGESTING
THAT IT'S ANY LESS IMPORTANT, TINA.
I MEAN, IT BREAKS MY HEART.
IT DOES,
BUT DO YOU WANT THOSE KIDS TO GROW UP
IN A WORLD WITHOUT ART?
NO.
OF COURSE NOT.
YOU SAID YOU HAD SOMETHING YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT
THIS MORNING?
IT WAS NOTHING.
[KNOCKS GENTLY]
I JUST WANTED TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
UM, I'M SORRY ABOUT DINNER.
IT'S A HABIT.
I'M TRYING TO BREAK IT.
IT'S NOT ALL YOUR FAULT.
I HOPE YOU'LL FEEL LIKE TALKING TO ME TOMORROW.
I THINK MAYBE I WILL.
[EXHALES]
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS GREAT.
ALICE, WE'RE NOT BACK TOGETHER.
WELL, I'M JUST SAYING HI.
HI.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE...
TOGETHER?
I'M STAYING AT THE HOUSE
UNTIL I GET A PLACE OF MY OWN.
NICE!
NICE.
THIS IS GOOD!
THIS IS GOOD, THIS IS GOOD.
THIS IS GOOD!
YEAH, I'M...
I'M JUST GOING TO GO SEE KIT.
YEAH, WELL, SHE'S IN THE BACK
WITH SOME HUNKA-HUNKA BURNIN' LOVE.
I DON'T KNOW.
BENJAMIN BRADSHAW.
OH, WHO IS HE?
HE'S THIS BUSINESS GURU.
SHE TOOK ONE SEMINAR WITH HIM,
AND NOW SHE'S GETTING A PRIVATE CONSULTATION.
OH, OKAY.
OKAY.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
I MEAN, UM...
ARE YOU GUYS NOT TOGETHER?
BECAUSE YOU-- YOU LOOK LIKE YOU ARE.
WELL, LET'S JUST SAY I'M NOT RULING IT OUT.
OKAY, SO SHE WAS COOL WITH THE...
SHE DIDN'T FREAK?
WHAT...
I HAVEN'T TOLD HER YET.
WHAT?
BUT SHE'S GOT TO KNOW.
SHE MUST KNOW.
I MEAN, SHE'S GOT TO KNOW.
IS SHE FUCKING BLIND?
BETTE'S PRETTY WRAPPED UP IN HERSELF.
SHE DOESN'T ALWAYS SEE WHAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
IT'S A PROBLEM.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF OUR PROBLEMS.
YEAH, TINA, THIS ISN'T REALLY JUST A BETTE PROBLEM.
YOU HAVE TO TELL HER.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN!
HEY, BABY SIS.
BENJAMIN BRADSHAW,
THIS IS MY LITTLE SISTER, BETTE PORTER.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
WELL, KIT'S TOLD ME
SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH
SOME DIFFICULTY LATELY.
IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO--
UH, UH, BENJAMIN,
SHE'S NOT READY FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.
[CLEARS THROAT]
BENJAMIN AND I
HAVE BEEN GOING OVER LAST MONTH'S STATEMENTS,
AND YOU WOULD BE AMAZED
AT THE RESULTS OF MY WORK IN T.O.E.
TOE?
UH, T-O-E.
THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING.
IT'S A PHYSICS PRINCIPLE
UNITING OUR UNDERSTANDING
OF THE FUNDAMENTAL FORCES OF NATURE
INTO A SINGLE EQUATION
THAT'S APPLICABLE TO EVERY QUESTION
ABOUT LIFE ON EARTH.
IT'S THE BASIS OF MY SYSTEM OF PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.
BETTE, SINCE MY WORK IN T.O.E.,
THE PLANET
HAS GONE FROM BEING IN THE RED TO BLACK.
AND?
AND I'VE PREPAID THE MORTGAGE
THROUGH SEPTEMBER.
AND...
AND BENJAMIN IS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS AFTER,
BUT THANK YOU.
I WAS GOING TO SAY...
AND YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN KIT
WHEN SHE ATTENDS THE ADVANCED SEMINAR NEXT MONTH.
I'LL WAIVE THE INTRODUCTORY COURSE FOR YOU
BECAUSE KIT TELLS ME
YOU'RE VERY ACCOMPLISHED IN YOUR OWN RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
I GUESS.
WELL, UM...
[LAUGHS]
JUST, YOU KNOW, LET ME KNOW WHEN THE NEXT SEMINAR IS,
AND I WILL GIVE IT SOME THOUGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
IS JENNY ALWAYS SO WEIRD?
SHE'S NOT WEIRD.
SHE'S GREAT.
WELL, MAYBE SHE'S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE
THAT'S, YOU KNOW, SHE'S CONSTANTLY IN HER HEAD.
CARMEN, SHE'S A WRITER.
SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT.
OKAY, SO WILL YOU
TAKE A LISTEN TO THIS, PLEASE,
AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU THINK THEY'LL BE DOWN FOR IT?
I MEAN, I REALLY DON'T HAVE
THAT MUCH OF A SENSE OF DANA AND TONYA, SO...
THAT WOULD HELP.
YOU... YOU KISSED HER.
WHAT?
YOU KISSED JENNY.
OH, OKAY.
RIGHT, YEAH.
RIGHT? YEAH.
YEAH, YEAH, I DID, BUT, UM...
IT WAS JUST THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
I MEAN...
I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WOULD MIND.
THEN, NO, AND I--
HEY, AND I DON'T.
OKAY, GOOD.
[LAUGHING]
THANK GOD.
YOU SHOULD, UM...
YOU SHOULD GIVE HER A CHANCE.
YEAH?
YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
DON'T TRY TO HOOK ME UP.
BYE.
SO, LOOK, IF SHE WANTS HER STORY DONE
AND DONE RIGHT
SHE'S GOING TO DO A DEAL WITH VERONICA BLOOM.
UH, VERONICA, YOU CALLED ME--
MAYBE, BUT I NEED SOMEBODY
TO PRIME HER FIRST
BEFORE I GO IN AND DO MY THING.
I'M RIGHT BESIDE YOU.
YEAH, AND SO IS YOUR FRED SEGAL HAIRCUT
AND YOUR PRADA SUIT.
LOOK, I NEED SOMEBODY
WHO LOOKS RELATIVELY HUMAN,
OR AT LEAST IS A CREDIBLE SIMULATION,
AND THAT'S WHERE HAIR GIRL COMES IN.
FUCK YOU.
HEY, HEY.
PLEASE. IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
JUST GET IN THE CAR.
SHANE...
SHANE, GET IN THE CAR!
SHANE...
[MAKING KISSY CAT-CALLING SOUNDS]
COME HERE, SHANE. COME ON, COME ON.
I GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU, BABY.
AFTER WE CLINCH THE DEAL,
WE CAN GO GET A MANI, PEDI!
COME ON!
COME ON, SHANE!
COME ON.
[KISSING]
I TALKED TO TINA LIKE WE TALKED ABOUT.
WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT APARTMENTS
NEXT WEEK.
THE FUCKING PEABODY FOUNDATION
HASN'T AWARDED US A SINGLE FUCKING PENNY.
THEY'VE PULLED OUR FUNDING.
OH, THERE'S GOT TO BE ANOTHER PAGE.
SHIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
TINA GOT A PEABODY?
[TINA]: OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS, THEY ARE AWARDING US $100,000!
YOU DID IT!
OH, MY GOD.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I THINK THAT'S IT, TINA.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GIVING US ANOTHER ONE.
[LAUGHING]
[TYPING]
OSCAR IS GOING TO FLIP!
[CLEARS THROAT]
CAN YOU GUYS EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE?
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
HELLO.
BETTE?
I'M HERE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
I SAW THE PEABODY POSTING.
CONGRATULATIONS.
[SIGHS]
I'M SORRY, BETTE.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
WELL, MAYBE YOU COULD SUPPORT ME.
I'LL TAKE SOME TIME OFF FROM WORK
AND START LOOKING INTO A NEW CAREER.
THAT'S NOT FAIR, BETTE.
WHY DID YOU EVEN GO AFTER THE PEABODY?
WAS IT SOME KIND OF VENDETTA AGAINST ME?
YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.
OH, I AGREE. IT'S RIDICULOUS TO THINK
THAT JUST BECAUSE I SHARED MY LIFE WITH YOU
AND SUPPORTED YOU
THAT YOU HAVE ANY COMPUNCTION AT ALL
ABOUT FUCKING WITH MY LIVELIHOOD.
YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST WARNED ME.
IT'S NOT SO EASY TO TELL YOU THINGS, BETTE.
NOT EVERYTHING IS EASY, TINA.
BUT--
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GETTING UPSET NOW,
SO I'M GOING TO HANG UP THE PHONE.
FUCK!
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
WE JUST GOT A PHONE CALL.
HELENA PEABODY IS ON HER WAY OVER HERE.
RIGHT NOW?
YES.
WE GOT THE BIGGEST GRANT THAT THEY GAVE.
NOBODY ELSE GOT AS MUCH MONEY.
SHE'S COMING WITH A CAMERA CREW.
IT WAS YOUR PROPOSAL, TINA.
OKAY, LET'S GET THIS PLACE LOOKING SHARP,
BUT NOT TOO SHARP.
WE DON'T WANT HER TO THINK THAT WE DON'T NEED THE MONEY.
OKAY.
SO THE WOMAN WE'RE ABOUT TO MEET
WAS A PROSTITUTE.
SHE WAS RUN BY THE RUSSIAN MOB
UNTIL THEY TRIED TO TAKE HER DAUGHTER AWAY.
SHE GOES UP AGAINST THEM, WHICH NOBODY DOES,
AND GETS OUT ALIVE.
THEY ALREADY FUCKED UP HER FACE, YOU'LL SEE.
WE WANT TO MAKE A MOVIE OUT OF HER STORY.
WHAT WE'RE AFTER HERE IS HER LIFE RIGHTS.
PRISCILLA NABOCHENKO
IS GOING TO SELL US THE RIGHTS TO HER LIFE.
WOW.
THE WOMAN SURE KNOWS
HOW TO CREATE A MEDIA EVENT.
HOLY SHIT.
WHERE'S TINA KENNARD?
YOU WROTE THIS PROPOSAL?
YES.
IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
THANK YOU.
I'M FLATTERED.
TINA, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME THE GRAND TOUR
OF THE HEADQUARTERS FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE?
UH...
SURE.
RIGHT THIS WAY.
[ALICE]: OH, MY GOD,
IT'S GOING TO BE SUCH A GREAT BACHELORETTE PARTY.
I KNOW.
SO WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT ME?
I THOUGHT YOU HAD GREAT TITS.
YOU NOTICED MY TITS?
RIGHT AWAY.
[LAUGHING]
OH, COME ON.
THEY WERE LIKE, "HELLO THERE."
THEY WERE TALKING TO YOU?
I MEAN, THAT'S CRAZY.
A WHOLE CONVERSATION.
OKAY.
SO HOW ABOUT YOU WITH ME?
UM...
I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HOTTIE.
GET OUT.
I DID.
[SCOFFS]
DID YOU REALLY?
YEAH.
REALLY.
[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]
DANA?
YEAH?
YOU HAVE A REALLY NICE ASS.
[***]
GOD...
OH, GOD.
TAKE ME...
JUST TAKE ME NOW.
OKAY.
OKAY, HERE.
HELP ME.
I JUST WANT TO...
[MOANING]
JUST KISS ME.
TAKE MY PANTS OFF.
OKAY. OKAY.
THEY'RE TIGHT.
YEAH.
OKAY, PULL.
OH, GOD, I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU.
PULL.
OH...
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
YOU OKAY? YEAH, YEAH.
ARE YOU OKAY? YEAH.
GET IT OFF!
I CAN'T.
IT'S TIGHT.
DON'T RIP IT.
UGH!
[***]
ARE YOU OKAY?
I WANT MORE OF YOU.
OH...
NO, NO.
FINGERS...
FINGERS. MORE FINGERS.
YOU ARE MAKING THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE
IF YOU SIGN WITH THE BRUCKHEIMERS.
DO YOU KNOW WHO VERONICA BLOOM IS?
AARON, THAT'S ENOUGH.
WHY DON'T WE LET PRISCILLA HAVE A MINUTE TO BREATHE?
WHAT?
[WHISPERING] YOU STAY HERE.
[KIDS LAUGHING NEARBY]
YOU WANT SOME FRUIT JUICE
OR SOMETHING?
OH, NO.
NO, NO, NO, I'M OKAY, THANK YOU.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THE MOVIES?
ARE YOU, LIKE, A PRODUCER OR SOMETHING?
[LAUGHS]
FUCK, NO.
I'M A HAIRSTYLIST...
AND I GUESS I'M VERONICA'S ASSISTANT, TOO.
REALLY.
HAIRSTYLIST.
YUP.
THAT'S SOMETHING I ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.
YOU COULD DO IT.
YOU KNOW, I, UH...
I USED TO DO WHAT YOU DO, KIND OF.
REALLY?
YEAH.
YEAH, I USED TO TRICK AROUND SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD,
AND, UH, THERE WAS THIS GUY.
HE WAS, YOU KNOW, HE WAS WEIRD,
BUT HE WAS OKAY.
HE SENT ME TO HAIRDRESSING SCHOOL.
IS SHE OKAY?
WELL, I GUESS I CALLED IT,
DIDN'T I, SHANE?
YOU'RE THE CLOSER.
YES, I KNOW.
V, THAT IS AWESOME.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I HAD TO ADD A CAVEAT IN WRITING
TO HER DEAL MEMO.
PRISCILLA NOW HAS IT IN HER DEAL
THAT SHE GETS TO WORK WITH YOU.
OH, VERONICA, THAT'S NOT COOL.
IT'S TOTALLY COOL, SHANE.
WE DID IT.
WE FUCKING DID IT.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A PHENOMENAL PROJECT!
TOTAL ACADEMY AWARDS TIME.
I AM THINKING ANGELINA JOLIE.
MAYBE JULIA ROBERTS...
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL
IF WE WANT TO DO SOMETHING REALLY QUIRKY.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS GREAT.
AND YOU SHOULD ALL BE REALLY PROUD OF YOURSELVES.
EXCUSE ME. I'M JUST GOING TO--
CUT.
I'M JUST GOING TO-- I'LL BE BACK.
I'LL COME BACK AND TALK TO YOU, OKAY?
WHEN'S YOUR BABY DUE?
OH...
I'M AT 14 WEEKS.
ARE YOU HAVING TWINS?
HEY, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
THAT'S OKAY.
I-I'M JUST STARTING TO GET USED TO SHOWING.
I FIND IT QUITE SEXY, ACTUALLY.
MY KIDS ARE STILL IN NEW YORK.
CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I MISS THEM.
YOU HAVE CHILDREN?
MM...
ONE ADOPTED,
ONE MY PARTNER GAVE BIRTH TO.
OH.
WE'RE SEPARATED.
JUST TO GET THAT OUT OF THE WAY.
MY PARTNER AND I ARE, TOO.
I'M DOING THIS ON MY OWN.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A FEELING YOU AND I ARE GOING TO FIND OUT
WE HAVE QUITE A LOT IN COMMON.
[LAUGHS]
HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT.
MY FRIEND IS HAVING THIS BACHELORETTES PARTY,
AND I HAVE TO--
TINA...
EXCUSE ME.
UH, BETTE'S HERE.
SHE'S GOT FLOWERS.
THAT'S MY EX.
I'VE BEEN THERE.
GO AHEAD.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. EXCUSE ME.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M REALLY SORRY THAT WE FOUGHT.
I JUST...
I WANT TO TRY TO MAKE IT UP.
WELL, MAYBE, BUT NOT RIGHT NOW.
RIGHT NOW I'M DOING SOMETHING.
WELL, YOU KNOW,
YOU SAID SOME PRETTY HURTFUL THINGS, TOO.
I'M JUST HERE TO SAY LET'S LEAVE IT BEHIND US,
AND, YOU KNOW, WE WERE DOING WELL.
YEAH, AND I'M SAYING
YOU CAN'T JUST THROW FLOWERS AT IT
AND EXPECT IT TO GO AWAY.
NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE ON YOUR TIME, BETTE.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HELLO, BETTE.
I'LL BE JUST A MINUTE, HELENA.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M HERE TO PUBLICIZE OUR GRANT ANNOUNCEMENTS.
THE FOUNDATION WANTS TO SEND A MESSAGE
ABOUT OUR NEW AGENDA.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?
BETTE--
IT'S REALLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS,
BUT TINA DOESN'T SEEM TO THINK
SHE REALLY IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND
ANY LONGER.
WELL, THAT WOULD BE RIGHT.
IT REALLY IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
STOP IT.
TINA, I'M SORRY.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE DEALING
WITH THIS KIND OF NONSENSE,
ESPECIALLY NOT IN YOUR CONDITION.
WHAT CONDITION IS THAT?
[***]
[CHATTING QUIETLY]
[CHUCKLES]
[DOOR UNLOCKING]
TONYA, HONEY.
OH, CRAP!
YOU DON'T WANT HER TO SEE IT.
GOOD CALL, MOM.
IT'S NO SWEAT, PRINCESS.
I'LL STOW IT IN THE CAR.
OH, YOU CUTIE.
YOO-HOO!
HOW ARE THE BACHELORETTE GIFT BAGS COMING?
LOOK AT THESE TWO--
SO HARD WORKING
WHEN WE WERE OUT HAVING FUN.
POOKIE... OH, YOU HAVE TO--
MOM, NOW, THIS IS ALICE.
THIS IS DANA'S BEST FRIEND.
THIS IS MY MOM, DOTTIE.
HI!
HI.
HELLO.
OH, AND, POOKIE,
WE HAVE TO SHOW YOU WHAT WE BOUGHT.
OH, YOU WILL JUST DIE.
COME ON.
[TONYA]: I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU...
COME ON. COME. COME SEE!
MONSTROSITY.
[***]
HI.
CAN I HELP YOU, PLEASE?
[WOMAN]: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU?
OKAY.
[OINKING]
[PIGS SQUEALING AND OINKING]
STOP STARING.
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU?
SHE'S FLESH AND BLOOD JUST LIKE WE ARE.
NO.
SHE CAN'T HELP IT.
[JENNY'S VOICE ECHOES]: MONSTROSITY...
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
HELLO?
[WOMAN]: HELLO!
WHO IS THAT?
IT'S BETTE.
HI.
I'M SORRY TO BUST IN ON YOU.
I JUST...
IS SHANE HERE?
NO, NOT RIGHT NOW.
DID YOU KNOW THAT TINA WAS PREGNANT?
YEAH.
BETTE, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?
[LETS OUT A BREATH]
OH, MY, GOD, HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW?
BECAUSE I'M JUST THE BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE IN THE UNIVERSE.
I GUESS THAT'S HOW!
BECAUSE I'M JUST SOME KIND OF HUGE COSMOLOGICAL JOKE
IS WHAT I AM.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
OKAY?
UM, TINA OBVIOUSLY MUST HAVE GONE OUT OF HER WAY
TO KEEP THIS A SECRET FROM YOU.
SHE MUST HATE ME.
SHE MUST ACTUALLY FUCKING HATE ME.
NO.
SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
COME HERE.
I THINK THAT THIS
IS SO MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT...
AND YOU CAN'T GIVE UP, OKAY?
[LAUGHS]
YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
IT LOOKS GREAT...
WOW.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
OKAY, I TAKE YOUR POINT, MAN.
YEAH. HIDDEN CAMERAS, MAN.
IT'S THE WAY TO DO THIS.
OH, FUCK.
ALL RIGHT, WE WILL DO A FEW MORE,
BUT STRATEGICALLY
AND RESPECTFULLY PLACED.
FUCK RESPECTFULLY.
DUDE...
[***]
AREN'T YOU GIRLS BRAVE
TO GET WAY UP THERE?
DON'T YOU LIKE THEM?
ISN'T IT GREAT?
OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
[SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER]
OH, WHO'S GOING TO GET IT?
OOH, THERE YOU GO.
[LAUGHING]
NOW, LOOKIT, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS.
SHARON, WATCH.
THERE YOU GO.
I'VE BEEN TO VEGAS, AND I THINK...
[KIT]: SHARON, IT'S TIME TO MAKE YOUR TOAST, HONEY.
OH, IS IT TIME?
OKAY.
OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
CARMEN...
THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE...
EVERYONE?
HI. I'M SHARON FAIRBANKS.
I'M DANA'S MOTHER.
WHEN MY DAUGHTER,
THE BRIDE,
FIRST CAME OUT TO ME, I...
I DIDN'T TAKE IT VERY WELL.
ACTUALLY, I TOOK IT PRETTY BADLY...
VERY BADLY.
BUT SINCE I'VE COME TO KNOW TONYA,
I THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY THE RIGHT THING
FOR MY DAUGHTER.
[WOMAN]: ISN'T THAT SWEET?
DANA...
I CAN SEE THAT YOU'VE FOUND LOVE...
AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT FORM IT TAKES.
ALL THAT MATTERS IS THAT YOU'RE HAPPY.
I LOVE YOU, DANA,
AND I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW
THAT I GIVE TONYA AND YOU MY BLESSING.
[CROWD APPLAUDS]
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[***]
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
NOWHERE. I WAS. I WAS...
I FORGOT A GIFT.
I WAS GOING TO GET A GIFT.
YOU DID IT, DIDN'T YOU?
YOU AND DANA.
WHAT? NO.
NO, NO, NO.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
HAND ME THOSE PLIERS.
ARE YOU SURE
THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY?
YEAH. I'M JUST GOING TO GO FIND KIT.
OKAY.
BUT THANKS FOR COMING WITH ME.
GOOD LUCK.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU SHOWED UP.
WELL, I GOT SOME WRITING DONE,
AND I HAD A BURST OF CONFIDENCE.
SO THERE.
GOOD.
YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER.
I CAN'T.
I CAN'T, SHANE. SHE THINKS I'M SO WEIRD.
[LAUGHS]
SHE DOES.
YEAH, SHE PROBABLY DOES,
BUT IF SHE'S AS COOL AS I KNOW SHE IS,
IT WON'T PUT HER OFF.
OKAY.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA TO BRING THE DJ A DRINK.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YEAH.
OKAY.
UM, MAY I... HAVE A BEER, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
OH, FUCK.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THE PARTY?
OH, IT'S GREAT.
HAVE YOU SEEN ALICE?
IT'S TIME FOR YOUR BACHELORETTE LAP DANCE.
NO, NOT IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER.
WHAT ARE YOU, SILLY?
LOOK.
I THINK SHE'S HAVING A GOOD TIME.
CHECK IT OUT.
THERE'S NINE ALTOGETHER.
OH, FUCKING AWESOME.
UM, WHAT ABOUT THE REST?
WHAT REST?
BEDROOMS, BATHROOM--
DUDE, HAVE A LITTLE FUCKING RESPECT.
THEY'RE MY ROOMMATES.
JESUS.
[LAUGHS]
LOOK, I DIDN'T DO BATHROOMS, MAN.
THAT CROSSES A PERSONAL LINE FOR ME, BUT, UH...
WE'RE IN.
SWEET, MAN.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU ALL KNOWN?
NOT LONG.
I MEAN, SHE WAS HIDING IT FROM EVERYBODY.
SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY, BETTE.
DON'T KILL YOURSELF OVER IT.
YOU KNOW, IRONICALLY,
I WAS ACTUALLY PLEASED TO SEE THAT SHE HAD PUT ON WEIGHT,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT, NUMBER ONE,
IT MEANS THAT IF SHE'S EATING TO COVER HER PAIN,
THAT MEANS SHE'S REALLY ACTUALLY STILL IN LOVE WITH ME,
AND TWO, IF SHE'S OVERWEIGHT,
THEN MAYBE SHE MIGHT HAVE TROUBLE
FINDING SOMEONE ELSE,
SO I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE, EVENTUALLY, IF SHE COULD LET--
[ALICE]: JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH, WHO'S THAT?
MAKE ME ANOTHER. MAKE IT A DOUBLE, PLEASE.
HEY, BABY SIS, WHAT'S UP?
WHO THAT?
THAT'S HELENA PEABODY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE BROUGHT HER HERE.
YOU WANT ME TO ASK HER TO LEAVE?
CONGRATULATIONS.
HI!
HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD, GOOD.
HI.
HI. HELENA PEABODY.
HI.
THANK YOU. NICE TO MEET YOU.
DANA, TONYA, THIS IS HELENA PEABODY.
I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND MY CRASHING YOUR PARTY.
AT LEAST I DIDN'T COME EMPTY HANDED.
FROM ME AND TINA.
PRESENTS!
[HELENA]: JUST A FEW THINGS WE SCROUNGED UP.
MM-HMM, HERE WE GO.
THE PHILLIPS SENSEO COFFEE POT SYSTEM!
OH, AND A KETTLE--
WOW, THAT'S VERY, VERY GENEROUS.
OH, HELLO.
HELLO.
I'M AFRAID I MAY HAVE OVERCOMPENSATED.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS
WHEN YOU'RE THE UNINVITED GUEST.
ACTUALLY, I'VE NEVER BEEN THE UNINVITED GUEST.
I ALWAYS PREFER NOT TO GO WHERE I'M NOT WANTED.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK HELENA'S NOT WANTED?
INITIAL OBSERVATIONS AND THEORIES.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THESE GIRLS TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW
IF THAT'S, LIKE, STRICTLY A LESBIAN THING OR WHAT,
BUT MAN, THESE GIRLS ARE ALL UP IN ONE ANOTHER'S BUSINESS.
NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I MEAN, I THINK THE TALK'S GREAT.
I'M LOVING THE TALK, BUT, UH,
I'VE GOT TO ADMIT
I'M HOPING SOON WE'RE GOING TO GET TO PARTAKE
IN A LITTLE, UH, ACTION.
[***]
ALICE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE IGNORING US.
NO, I... YOU KNOW...
EVERYBODY!
HI!
EVERYBODY, THIS IS...
DANA'S BEST FRIEND,
AND SHE WANTS TO GIVE A TOAST.
[APPLAUSE]
UM...
UH...
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU TWO.
UM...
SORRY, I'M A LITTLE...
I'VE-I'VE KNOWN DANA A LONG TIME,
AND, UM,
I GUESS, LIKE MOST THINGS
THAT ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES,
YOU DON'T SEE JUST HOW WONDERFUL THEY ARE
UNTIL THEY'RE GONE.
UM...
TONYA...
UM...
YOU ARE THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ON EARTH.
TO MY FRIEND...
WHAT CAN I SAY.
UM...
CONGRATULATIONS.
I LOVE YOU, SO...
OKAY.
[APPLAUSE]
[***]
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE LEAVE,
QUIT TORTURING OURSELVES?
JUST SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO.
[CLINKING GLASS]
DANA, TONYA...
I LIFT MY GLASS
TO CARING AND KINDNESS AND TRUST
AND LONGEVITY AND RESPECT,
TO ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU'LL NEED
TO KEEP YOUR LOVE ALIVE.
I WISH YOU...HAPPINESS,
AND I HOPE THAT YOU FOREVER SPARE EACH OTHER PAIN...
AND IF YOU FIND THAT ISN'T POSSIBLE,
THEN I WISH YOU FORGIVENESS.
[APPLAUSE]
[***]