FILLMORE. I'M ON IT.
[ SIREN WAILS ]
AND NOW, "FILLMORE."
TODAY'S EPISODE, "IMMUNE TO ALL BUT JUSTICE."
ALLOW ME TO CALL YOUR ATTENTION
TO THE NEXT ITEM UP FOR BID AT OUR CHARITY AUCTION.
"PLINK, PLINK" IS THE SOUND SAP MAKES
AS IT DROPS INTO THIS BEAUTIFUL HANDMADE MAPLE SYRUP SAP BASIN.
SHALL WE START THE BIDDING AT THREE AMERICAN DOLLARS, HMM?
HEY, INGRID, YOU SEEING ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS?
BESIDES KIDS SPENDING THEIR HARD-EARNED MONEY ON A BUCKET?
TRUST ME -- THESE KIDS CAN AFFORD IT.
YEAH, WELL, I'M GONNA CHECK OUT THE KITCHEN.
MAKE SURE THE CAVIAR ISN'T SERVED AT THE WRONG TEMPERATURE.
CAREFUL WITH THAT! IT'S CASHMERE.
YOU!
I DEMAND TO KNOW YOUR NAME THIS INSTANT!
HIS NAME IS OFFICER CORNELIUS FILLMORE.
PENNY -- PENNY MADRID.
DOG, HOW LONG'S IT BEEN?
TOO LONG.
SO, YOU ORGANIZED THIS SHINDIG?
I JUST MADE THE ARRANGEMENTS.
THE REAL CREDIT GOES TO WINSTON KOTTER.
HE'S THE SON OF A PROMINENT CANADIAN DIPLOMAT.
WINSTON LIVES AT THE EMBASSY AND EVERYTHING.
I VOLUNTEERED TO HELP RUN HIS CHARITY PROJECTS
THREE MONTHS AGO.
VOLUNTEERED? [ LAUGHS ]
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE THE SAME PENNY I USED TO KNOW?
LOOK WHO'S TALKING.
FREEZE. SAFETY PATROL.
FILLMORE, I NEED BACKUP.
ON MY WAY.
HEY!
MIND IF I BORROW THESE FOR A SEC?
NEXT UP, WE HAVE A WONDERFUL ANTIQUE BICYCLETTE AND HELMET
MADE FROM MAPLE WOOD.
[ CROWD SCREAMING ]
WHAT...WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS OUTRAGE?
EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL, OKAY?
WE HAVE A SUSPECT IN CUSTODY.
UH, FILLMORE?
THAT'S NOT A SUSPECT. THAT'S JACK STAPLES.
THEY CALL HIM "LUMBERJACK."
HE'S WINSTON'S PERSONAL BODYGUARD.
Principal Folsom: ON BEHALF OF THE SAFETY PATROL,
X MIDDLE SCHOOL,
AND THESE GLORIOUS UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,
ALLOW ME TO APOLOGIZE.
LUMBERJACK HERE WAS MERELY CHECKING OVER
MY NEWLY ARRIVED SHIPMENT OF MAPLE SYRUP.
IT WAS A SIMPLE MISUNDERSTANDING,
PRINCIPAL FOLSOM.
OF COURSE, YOU COULD STAND TO TEACH
YOUR RATHER INCOMPETENT SAFETY PATROLLERS SOME MANNERS, HMM?
IF IT WAS ALL SO LEGIT,
HOW COME HIS BOY BOLTED WHEN INGRID PULLED HER BADGE?
YOU TWO ARE JUST LUCKY FOLSOM DOESN'T PULL BOTH YOUR BADGES.
SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT, VALLEJO.
YOU KNOW WHO THAT KID'S FATHER IS, RIGHT?
FOLSOM'S NOT ABOUT TO RISK ANOTHER INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT
LIKE THAT SWISS BANKING CLUB SCANDAL.
HEY, PENNY, HOW ABOUT SOME COMPANY?
WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THIS IS BUSINESS
AND NOT PERSONAL?
I TAKE MY BUSINESS VERY PERSONALLY.
SO, WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT WINSTON KOTTER?
HE'S A SAINT. A TRUE HUMANITARIAN.
HE IMPORTS MAPLE SYRUP PRODUCTS FROM HIS HOME COUNTRY
TO RAISE MONEY FOR CHARITABLE PROJECTS THROUGHOUT THE SCHOOL.
AND YOU'VE NEVER NOTICED ANYTHING FUNNY GOING ON?
WINSTON MIGHT BE A LITTLE SNOBBY,
BUT HE'S CLEAN, FILLMORE,
AND HE DOES A LOT OF GOOD FOR THE SCHOOL.
AND YOU'RE SURE ABOUT THAT?
FILLMORE, YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE WERE LIKE
WHEN WE USED TO HANG TOGETHER?
YEAH. I REMEMBER.
THE SAFETY PATROL TURNED THINGS AROUND,
GOT YOU BACK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE LAW.
THAT'S WHAT WINSTON KOTTER DID FOR ME.
Vallejo: IF YOU WANNA LOOK INTO KOTTER,
IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE THROUGH PROPER CHANNELS.
YOU WRITE THE ADMINISTRATION AT HIS OLD SCHOOL,
AND WE PUT IN A REQUEST AT THE CANADIAN CONSULATE.
YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?
IF WE REALLY WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT KOTTER IS UP TO,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO MORE THAN WRITE LETTERS.
YOU WANNA DO MORE?
YOU CAN START BY HELPING O'FARRELL SORT
THE 300 COUNTERFEIT BASEBALL CARDS HE CONFISCATED.
UNDER CONTROL, CHIEF.
I'VE GOT THE REAL ONES HERE AND THE FAKE ONES HERE.
OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
[ Voice breaking ] I BLEW IT, MAN!
I BLEW IT.
LISTEN, AS FAR AS THE SAFETY PATROL IS CONCERNED,
WINSTON KOTTER HAS TOTAL DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
COUNTRIES SEND PEOPLE TO OTHER COUNTRIES TO REPRESENT THEM.
THESE ARE DIPLOMATS.
TO MAKE SURE THEY AREN'T PICKED ON UNFAIRLY,
THEY ARE IMMUNE TO THE LAWS OF THE LAND -- DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY.
WE CAN'T TOUCH HIM.
DON'T TRY TO. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
GOT ME?
[ SIGHS ] YEAH -- GOTCHA.
IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
WHAT WAS THAT LUMBERJACK DUDE TRYING TO HIDE?
DID THEY FIND ANYTHING WHEN THEY SEARCHED HIM?
NO. WHY?
FOLLOW ME.
NOW, UH, WHAT EXACTLY ARE WE LOOKING FOR?
SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T BELONG. SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
WHAT IS IT?
INK. PRINTING INK.
QUALITY STUFF. NOT EASY TO GET.
IT'S USED FOR PRINTING PRESSES --
BROCHURES, PAMPHLETS, BUSINESS CARDS --
CARDS.
CHECK IT -- THIS IS A SAMPLE OF THE GREEN INK
THAT WINSTON'S BOY TRIED TO DUMP.
AND THIS IS A SAMPLE FROM ONE OF THE COUNTERFEIT CARDS
THAT O'FARRELL CONFISCATED.
CRACKERS. IT'S A PERFECT MATCH.
SO NOW WE KNOW WHAT GAME WINSTON KOTTER IS PLAYING.
COUNTERFEIT BASEBALL CARDS.
BUT WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?
VALLEJO SAID WE CAN'T INVESTIGATE WINSTON.
MAYBE NOT.
BUT, UH, I DO THINK IT'S OUR DUTY
TO RETURN THIS PROPERTY TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER.
[ LAUGHS ]
HEY, WINSTON, THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT THIS BACK.
OH, AND WE TOOK THE LIBERTY OF FLUSHING THE INK.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
[ LAUGHS ] HOLLA.
LUMBERJACK, DO WHAT YOU CAN TO...DISCOURAGE OUR NEW FRIENDS
FROM PRYING ANY FURTHER INTO OUR AFFAIRS.
[ GRUNTS ]
LOOK, THERE'S NO HALFWAY ON THIS.
IF WE GO AFTER WINSTON, WE GO AT IT ALONE.
JUST YOU AND ME.
THERE'S NO CHOICE.
WE CAN'T JUST LET WINSTON GET AWAY WITH IT.
OKAY, SO WE FIND OUT WHERE HE PRINTS THOSE PHONY CARDS,
AND WE TAKE DOWN THE WHOLE OPERATION.
ANY IDEAS ON WHERE TO START?
I DON'T KNOW, FILLMORE.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE WINSTON WOULD BE INVOLVED
IN ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
THIS IS WINSTON'S LATEST SHIPMENT?
THEY'VE JUST BEEN CLEARED THROUGH CUSTOMS.
SYRUP-FILLED GUMBALLS.
WINSTON'S PLANNING A CANDY DRIVE
TO HELP CONVERT THE OLD SWIMMING POOL BUILDING
INTO A COMPUTER LAB.
FILLMORE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
BLANK CARDS.
LOOK, PENNY, WINSTON'S BEEN GETTING THE MATERIALS
TO PRINT THE PHONY BASEBALL CARDS IN THESE SHIPMENTS.
[ SOFT RUMBLING ]
LET ME GUESS -- YOUR MAMAS WERE TOO ASHAMED
TO LET YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE WITHOUT THE MASKS.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE NEEDS A LESSON
ABOUT MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS.
AND WE'RE ABOUT TO TEACH IT.
GET DOWN!
LOOK OUT!
FILLMORE!
[ FABRIC TEARING ]
TAKE A TRIP TO THE PENALTY BOX, BABY.
FILLMORE, WHO WERE THEY?
THIS ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
WE NEED YOU TO DIG INTO WINSTON'S AFFAIRS.
FIND OUT WHATEVER YOU CAN.
OKAY.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE'RE GONNA SHAKE THINGS UP
BY PAYING YOUR BOSS A LITTLE VISIT -- AT HOME.
Man: OKAY, EH?
THE CANADIAN EMBASSY WAS BUILT IN 1911.
NOW IF YOU'LL JUST FOLLOW ME
INTO THE GREAT HALL OF MOOSE ANTLERS...
RED RUNS THE BLOOD OF A MILLION INNOCENT CHRISTMAS TRESS!
STOP THE CHRISTMAS TREE INDUSTRY!
SAVE THE TREES!
OKAY, EH? SECURITY!
DON'T SUPPORT THE RUTHLESS SLAUGHTER OF BABY EVERGREENS!
[ GRUNTS ]
LET THEM GROW INTO MIGHTY PINES!
WHAT ABOUT THE TREES?!
WHO SPEAKS FOR THE TREES?!
IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN A COUPLE OF YOUR GOONS
TO GET US OFF YOUR BACK, WINSTON.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
YOU CERTAINLY ARE BECOMING AN ANTLER IN MY SIDE,
AREN'T YOU, OFFICER?
GET USED TO IT, BABY.
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?
MY FATHER'S DIPLOMATIC CREDENTIALS MAKE ME UNTOUCHABLE.
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU INVESTIGATE ME
OR HOW MUCH EVIDENCE YOU GATHER.
I'M COMPLETELY IMMUNE.
NOT FROM ME, YOU'RE NOT.
[ JUG FALLS ]
OH, SNAP! DID I DO THAT?
MY BAD.
SO, WAS IT ROUGH AT THE EMBASSY AFTER THEY BUSTED YOU
FOR YOUR LITTLE PROTEST?
THEY HELD ME FOR AN HOUR.
FORCED ME TO WATCH RERUNS OF "MR. MOUNTIE MOOSE."
NO BIG.
FILLMORE! THIRD!
WHAT'S THIS ABOUT YOU HARASSING KOTTER AND HIS ASSOCIATES?
FOLSOM'S GONNA FLUNK US BACK TO GRADE SCHOOL!
NOW, I WARNED YOU ABOUT GOING THROUGH PROPER CHANNELS!
VALLEJO, THERE'S PROPER CHANNELS,
AND THEN THERE'S GETTING THE JOB DONE.
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
CONSIDER THIS A LAST WARNING.
EITHER OF YOU GO ANYWHERE NEAR WINSTON KOTTER,
I'LL HAVE BOTH YOUR BADGES.
FILLMORE.
FILLMORE, IT'S ME.
HEY, PENNY. WHAT UP?
WINSTON IS BUYING A NEW SET OF PLATES.
I THINK HE'S PLANNING TO USE THEM
TO PRINT HIS NEXT BATCH OF PHONY CARDS.
WHEN AND WHERE?
LUNCH HOUR, MEMINGER PARK OBSERVATORY.
YOU KNOW THE PLACE?
YEAH, WE KNOW IT.
SO GIVE ME THE 411 ON YOU AND PENNY.
WE TALKIN' BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH?
IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE THAT.
PENNY AND I USED TO JUST BE GOOD FRIENDS.
UH-HUH. AND WHAT ABOUT NOW?
GAME TIME.
PLATES FOR THE 1986 BARRY BONDS ROOKIE CARD.
YOU BRING THE COMICS?
[ GRUNTS ]
ALL WE GOTTA DO IS FOLLOW THOSE PLATES.
LUMBERJACK WILL TAKE US RIGHT TO THE PRINTING OPERATION.
HE'S MAKING A BREAK FOR IT.
THEN IT'S ON!
I HEREBY CHRISTEN THEE THE FLYING --
HEY!
[ CRASH ]
ONE FOR YOU, ANDREW, AND YOU, CHUCK,
AND ONE FOR YOU, GAIL,
AND -- HEY!
LEAVE THE NICE GIRL ALONE, ANDREW.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
GET IN HERE. YOU'RE SOAKING WET.
INGRID AND I WERE SPOTTED IN THE PARK TODAY.
IT'S TOO RISKY FOR YOU TO KEEP POKING AROUND.
I'M CLOSE TO FINDING OUT
WHERE WINSTON IS PRINTING THOSE CARDS.
BUT -- BUT NOTHING.
I'M A BIG GIRL. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.
ALL RIGHT. WE'LL WAIT FOR YOUR CALL.
FILLMORE, WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER,
HOW ABOUT I COOK YOU DINNER SOMETIME?
YEAH. YEAH, THAT'D BE COOL.
CHECK IT OUT.
THESE ARE TWO RANDY JOHNSON CARDS,
ONE AUTHENTIC AND ONE COUNTERFEIT.
HERE'S THE BAD NEWS.
ON SIGHT, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
THEY'RE IDENTICAL.
EASILY THE BEST COUNTERFEIT CARDS WE'VE EVER SEEN.
WHAT ABOUT THE GOOD NEWS?
I'M ASSUMING THE BAD NEWS
IS GOING TO BE IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY GOOD NEWS.
AM I RIGHT ABOUT THIS?
HMM, ONE FUNNY THING -- THE INK ON THE COUNTERFEIT
HAS A HIGHER CONTENT OF CHLORINE THAN THE AUTHENTIC.
IT MIGHT BE THE ONLY WAY TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
THAT'S GOOD NEWS?
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
FILLMORE.
FILLMORE, IT'S ME.
I THINK I KNOW WHERE WINSTON IS PRINTING THE CARDS.
MM-HMM. GO.
IT'S --
SO, SOMEONE'S BEEN WORKING A LITTLE OVERTIME
FOR THE SAFETY PATROL, HMM?
PENNY? PENNY!
PENNY!
YOU WERE SOMEONE I TRUSTED, PENNY.
CANADIANS DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO BETRAYAL.
[ DIAL TONE ]
OH, THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING WE'RE MISSING.
I MEAN, HOW MANY PLACES CAN A DUDE HIDE
AN ENTIRE PRINTING PRESS?
HE WOULDN'T RISK KEEPING IT AT THE EMBASSY.
HERE'S THE OFFICIAL LAB REPORT ON THE INKS.
YOU BETTER NOT LET VALLEJO SEE YOU WITH THAT.
FORGET VALLEJO. FILLMORE'S GOT A FRIEND OUT THERE.
HOLD UP.
THE INK ON THOSE BOGUS CARDS
HAS A HIGH CHLORINE CONTENT, RIGHT?
SO?
ACCORDING TO THIS, THAT INK THAT LUMBERJACK TRIED TO DITCH
DIDN'T CONTAIN ANY CHLORINE AT ALL.
THAT MEANS THE CHLORINE MUST HAVE GOTTEN INTO THE INK
DURING THE ACTUAL PRINTING PROCESS.
THE OLD SWIMMING POOL BUILDING!
WHERE DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE GOING?
VALLEJO, WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME, MAN.
THIS BETTER NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WINSTON KOTTER!
I WARNED YOU TWO ALREADY!
YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR, YOU'RE BOTH FINISHED HERE, UNDERSTAND?
WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE LOOKING AT? GET BACK TO WORK!
WHEN WE'RE FINISHED HERE, CLEAN THIS PLACE OUT.
[ GRUNTS ]
AFTER THAT, WE'LL SIMPLY PIN
THE ENTIRE OPERATION ON PENNY HERE.
AND SINCE YOU DON'T SHARE THE LUXURY
OF MY DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY,
YOU'RE CERTAIN TO BE EXPELLED.
I WOULDN'T COUNT ON IT, WINSTON.
OFFICER, SO GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US.
AND WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU PLAN TO DO, BUST ME?
OH, WE DIDN'T COME HERE TO BUST YOU.
WE CAME TO SHUT YOU DOWN.
NO. NO!
Fillmore: YOU SHOULD'VE STAYED OUT OF THE DEEP END.
DON'T JUST STAND THERE. GET THEM!
[ GRUNTS ]
GET PENNY OUT OF HERE.
YOU HAVEN'T WON, FILLMORE.
I STILL HAVE THE PRINTING PRESS. I STILL HAVE THE PLATES.
YOU AND YOUR PARTNER CAN'T STOP ME BY YOURSELVES.
THEY'RE NOT BY THEMSELVES.
NOT ANYMORE.
[ SPLASH ]
ARE YOU INSANE?!
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
I'LL SEE TO IT THAT PRINCIPAL FOLSOM HAS YOU EXPELLED!
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
TELL FOLSOM WE RUINED YOUR COUNTERFEIT CARD OPERATION?
I KINDA DOUBT THAT.
WE MAY NOT BE ABLE TO OFFICIALLY BUST YOU,
BUT YOU CAUSE ANY MORE TROUBLE IN THIS SCHOOL,
THE ENTIRE SAFETY PATROL IS GONNA TURN YOUR LIFE
INTO A NIGHTMARE.
AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?
YES, SIR.
YOU FORGOT THESE ON YOUR WAY OUT.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHAT HAPPENED TO PROPER CHANNELS?
THERE'S PROPER CHANNELS,
AND THEN THERE'S GETTING THE JOB DONE.
HERE'S THE ONLY THING THAT STILL BOTHERS ME.
ACCORDING TO WINSTON'S RECORDS,
HE PRINTED 4,000 CAL RIPKEN CARDS LAST MONTH.
SO WHAT'S THE PROB? NOT AN ORIOLES FAN?
NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THOSE CARDS HAS TURNED UP ANYWHERE.
THEY'RE STILL MISSING.
[ BELL RINGS ]
I GOTTA BOLT.
SOMEONE'S GOT A HOT DATE WITH PENNY TONIGHT.
AND DON'T LIE. YOU'RE TALKING TO A DETECTIVE.
LOOK, I'M GOING TO HAVE DINNER WITH AN OLD FRIEND.
THAT'S IT. YOU FEEL ME?
SURE. WHATEVER.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
SO YOU DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE WINSTON MIGHT HAVE STASHED
4,000 COUNTERFEIT BASEBALL CARDS?
NO MORE TALK ABOUT WINSTON OR THE SAFETY PATROL
OR ANY OTHER BUSINESS, OKAY?
IT'S ALL OVER, FILLMORE. CAN'T WE JUST ENJOY IT?
ANYWAY, I'M SURE THOSE CARDS WILL TURN UP SOONER OR LATER.
4,000 CAL RIPKEN CARDS AREN'T GONNA JUST DISAPPEAR.
WHAT WAS THAT?
I SAID IT'S NOT LIKE 4,000 CAL RIPKEN CARDS
ARE GONNA JUST DISAPPEAR.
WHO SAID THEY WERE CAL RIPKEN CARDS?
I...
UH...WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU SAID CAL RIPKEN.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THEY WERE CAL RIPKEN CARDS?
OH, WELL, UH, I GUESS YOU -- YOU MUST HAVE TOLD ME.
I SAID THERE WERE CARDS MISSING. I NEVER SAID A PLAYER!
MATTER OF FACT, I NEVER EVEN SAID A TEAM.
WHERE ARE THEY?
YOU WERE IN ON IT FROM THE BEGINNING.
AND WHEN I CAME ALONG, YOU SAW THE CHANCE
TO USE ME TO NAIL WINSTON AND GO INTO BUSINESS FOR YOURSELF!
FILLMORE, THAT MAY HAVE BEEN HOW IT BEGAN,
BUT...IT'S COMPLICATED.
I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU.
CAN'T YOU LOOK THE OTHER WAY, JUST THIS ONCE?
[ GARAGE DOOR OPENS ]
YOU PLAYED ME FOR A SUCKER, PENNY.
I'M NOT GOING OUT LIKE THAT.
NOT FOR YOU. NOT ANYMORE.
BE AT HQ IN THE MORNING. DON'T MAKE ME COME GET YOU.
AND ONE LAST THING, BABY.
THAT CHICKEN WAS DRY.
REAL DRY.
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