FILLMORE. I'M ON IT.
ILLUMINATING TELEVISION.
AND NOW..."FILLMORE!"
TODAY'S EPISODE -- "TEST OF THE TESTED."
SWEET SYRUP ON A SHORT STACK, INGRID!
THIS IS FAST EVEN FOR YOU.
YEAH. WELL...
DO YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT?
ABOUT HAVING TO TAKE THE TEST? NO.
ABOUT HOW I DID ON THE TEST? SURE...I GUESS.
YOU GUESS? GET OUTTA HERE!
FOR YOU, TAKING THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9
MUST BE LIKE DOING A PLACE-MAT WORD FIND
AT ANY LOCAL WAFFLE RESTAURANT.
YEAH. WELL, SEE YOU LATER, MR. COLLINGWOOD.
MR. COLLINGWOOD?
MR. COLLINGWOOD, I HAVE A PROBLEM.
OH, DUTY CALLS. BYE, INGRID.
S-T-O-P THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9!
WRONG PROTEST, SISTER. BEAT IT.
WHOA. SECRET ADMIRER?
NO SUCH LUCK.
IT'S A GIFT FROM PRINCIPAL FOLSOM.
ALL THE CARD SAYS IS,
"THANKS FOR KNOCKING THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9
OUT OF THE PARK, KIDDO."
WHY WOULD SHE SEND ME THIS?
'CAUSE YOU'RE THE SMARTEST KID IN SCHOOL.
SHE KNEW YOU'D ACE IT, WHICH I BET YOU JUST DID.
YOU'LL BRING UP THE AVERAGE,
MAYBE GET NAMED A JUNIOR JUNIOR MERIT SCHOLAR,
AND THE SCHOOL GETS A PICTURE IN THE PAPER.
FOLSOM GETS GOOD PRESS, AND EVERYONE'S HAPPY.
BELIEVE ME. I SAW EVERYONE TAKING THAT TEST.
EVERYONE WAS NOT HAPPY.
A SINGLE MULTIPLE-CHOICE TEST
DESIGNED TO MEASURE THE ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT
OF MILLIONS OF DIFFERENT KINDS OF KIDS --
ONE SIZE FITS ALL -- THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9.
HAS THERE BEEN ANYTHING MORE POINTLESS?
BAN LOBSTEE THE LOBSTER!
MAKE X MIDDLE SCHOOL GET A NEW MASCOT!
STOP CRUSTACEAN EXPLOITATION!
YOU TELL ME.
FILLMORE.
UH, NOT NOW.
THE DUCK IS IN EARSHOT. PEACE.
FILLMORE, YOU KNOW ME PRETTY WELL.
I'D SAY VERY WELL.
UH-HUH. SO HOW COME YOU THINK YOU CAN PULL ONE OVER ON ME?
LISTEN, I KNOW ALL YOU GUYS ARE PLANNING ON CHIPPING IN
TO GET ME A SCOOTER FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
YOUR BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP?
YOU GUYS CAN'T GET ME A SCOOTER.
OH, YEAH, WE CAN.
FILLMORE, EVERYBODY'S GONNA THINK
I'M JUST JUMPING ON THE SCOOT BANDWAGON.
INGRID, YOU HAVE AN ABE LINCOLN LUNCHBOX.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE WHAT EVERYBODY THINKS?
HEY, ABE LINCOLN IS COO-- OH. GOOD POINT.
IF IT ISN'T THE X MIDDLE SCHOOL MASCOT WITH THE MOSTEST.
HI, LOBSTEE.
LOBSTEE? WHAT ARE YOU --
FILLMORE.
This is Mr. Collingwood.
Lobstee, our beloved lobster mascot,
just stole the completed aptitude tests.
We've got to find them!
I'M ON IT.
INGRID, WE GOT ONE.
FILLMORE!
PRINCIPAL FOLSOM JUST CALLED!
DID YOU DESTROY A SCHOOL SANDWICH MACHINE
CHASING DOWN THE LUNCH BAG BANDIT?!
YOU EVER TRY THOSE SANDWICHES, VALLEJO?
OH. OF COURSE.
WELL, WE GOT A LOBSTER TO CATCH.
THAT ONE'S GOT ATTITUDE.
THAT ONE'S ALSO THE BEST.
IT'S CLEAR. OHH!
OH, SNAP! I'M SORRY!
FILLMORE, I REALLY DIDN'T NEED THAT IMAGE
IN MY PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.
BELIEVE ME, YOU WILL PAY.
MM-HMM.
OKAY. IT'S CLEAR.
COME ON -- IN HERE.
LOCKED.
ALLOW ME.
IT'S A TALENT FROM MY DELINQUENT PAST.
HMM. TOUGH ONE.
THEY LOCKED IT FROM THE INSIDE.
SOMEBODY HELP!
HELP!
THEY OVERPOWERED ME AND TOOK MY COSTUME.
THEY CALLED ME "FRECKLE FACE,"
AND THEY CHINESE FINGER-TRAPPED MY FINGERS.
PUSH IN, PULL OUT, BABY.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT? IT WAS AN AMBUSH.
THE PERP JUMPED ELLIOT FUNSTON,
THE STUDENT WHO PORTRAYS LOBSTEE, THE SCHOOL MASCOT,
STOLE HIS COSTUME, AND TOOK OFF THROUGH THE WINDOW.
THEN, FULLY LOBSTERIZED,
THE PERP WENT BACK IN THE SCHOOL AND GRABBED THE TESTS.
VALLEJO!
PRINCIPAL FOLSOM.
TOMORROW MORNING,
WHEN THE WORLD FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS,
MY PHONE IS GONNA BE RINGING OFF THE HOOK.
AND THE ONLY THING I CAN TELL THEM
IS THAT YOU PEOPLE ARE ON THE CASE.
ARE YOU PEOPLE ON THE CASE?
YES, MA'AM. GOOD.
THOSE TESTS ARE DUE FOR GRADING IN WASHINGTON
BY THE END OF THE WEEK.
YOU HAVE 48 HOURS TO FIND THEM.
THE LAST THING I WANT TO SEE
IS 1,200 KIDS HAVING TO TAKE THIS THING OVER.
WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT OVER?!
THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9, OR SENSELESS APTITUDE TRYOUT TESTED YEARLY,
WAS THE HARDEST TEST I'VE EVER TAKEN!
IT TOOK THREE HOURS!
I SAW SPOTS!
I DEVELOPED THIS SPONTANEOUS FRENCH ACCENT!
I CAN'T TAKE IT AGAIN!
I CAN'T!
CHECK YOURSELF, WILLIE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE TEST AGAIN,
AND WE DON'T WANT TO EITHER,
SO IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. WE'RE ON IT.
I TELL YA, WHEN WE FIND THOSE TESTS,
I KNOW THIS GIRL'S GONNA BE THE CURVE BREAKER.
S.A.T.T.Y.-TAKE-NO-PRISONERS-9 FOR INGRID THIRD.
NOW, FINTHE TESTS. YOU DON'T --
THE SAFETY-PATROL HEADQUARTERS COULD MAKE A GREAT TAP STUDIO.
UM, ELLIOT, THE REASON TO WEAR BOXERS
IS TO AVOID MOONING STRANGERS.
HOW ABOUT YOU GET SOME NEW ONES, OR MAYBE A BIG PATCH?
PEOPLE, CAN WE COVER ELLIOT'S BUTT, PLEASE?
YOUR CASE, YOUR CALL. WHAT'S NEXT?
PERIMETER CHECK --
CRUISE FOR CLUES AND THE COSTUME.
I'M ASKING AGAIN.
YOU GUYS DIDN'T GET ME A SCOOTER, DID YOU?
OH, HECK, NO!
FILLMORE...
YOU KNOW, YOU DO THAT A LOT.
HELLO. WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
AUGIE SAMSON. HE TOOK THE TEST THIS MORNING.
COME TO THINK OF IT, HE LOOKED PRETTY NERVOUS.
AND NOW HE'S SNEAKING AROUND WITH A BOX.
NO WAY. THIS IS TOO EASY.
I'LL BET YOU LUNCH THAT IT IS.
FREEZE! X MIDDLE SCHOOL SAFETY PATROL!
I HATE IT WHEN THEY RUN. COME ON!
THIS ALREADY ISN'T EASY.
STAY ON IT.
NOW LOCK YOUR WRISTS, PEOPLE.
EXCELLENT. YOU'VE FORMED A MIGHTY STURDY PYRAMID
THAT CANNOT BE TOSSED ASUNDER.
SEE? YOU'RE AS SOLID AS A GEODUDE
USING HIS HARDEN ATTACK.
NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY --
AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
SORRY. MY BAD.
HAVE A NICE SWIM, FILLMORE.
AAH!
FILLMORE, YOU OFFICIALLY OWE ME LUNCH.
WHERE'D YOU PUT THE LOBSTER COSTUME, AUGIE?
LOBSTER COSTUME?
THE ONE YOU USE TO STEAL THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9 TESTS.
S.A.T.T.Y.-9 TESTS?
WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?
THIS ISN'T THE TESTS. THIS IS FULL OF...
TARTAR-SAUCE PACKETS.
IT'S JUST THE BEST TARTAR SAUCE IN THE WORLD.
I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
IT WAS I WHO STOLE THEM FROM THE CAFETERIA,
FOR I LOVE TARTAR SAUCE!
YOU LOVE...TARTAR SAUCE?
LISTEN, MAYBE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT.
I KNOW THE WORD ON THE STREET.
I KNOW WHO YOU GUYS SHOULD TALK TO ABOUT THE TESTS. WHO?
SO, AUGIE SAYS THE WORD ON THE STREET
IS SETH CHRISSY HAD A LITTLE MELTDOWN DURING THE TEST TODAY.
WORD ON THE STREET IS RIGHT. I SAW IT.
SETH HAD THE LOOK OF SOMEONE ONE STEP AWAY FROM WIGGING.
HE ALSO HAD AN EGG ROLLERY T-SHIRT ON.
AND THUS WE'RE HERE.
THAT AND YOU OWE ME LUNCH.
I'LL TAKE THE EGG-FREE EGG ROLL SUPREME.
I'LL TAKE THE "AIN'T TOO PROUD TO 'BEGG' ROLL" SPECIAL --
DOUBLE DUCK SAUCE.
THIS WHOLE THING'S CRAZY, FILLMORE.
KIDS LIKE SETH -- THEY DON'T DO STUFF LIKE THIS.
I'M GONNA CHECK THE JUKE.
EXCUSE ME. UGH!
WHAT WAS -- WHO WAS --
SETH.
HE'S HEADING TOWARDS THE BRIDGE. WE'LL CUT HIM OFF.
STAY ON HIM.
HEY!
Crackers.
HEY, OFFICER THIRD! I BOUGHT NEW BOXER SHORTS!
CONGRATULATIONS.
SETH... WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
PLEASE, INGRID. YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND.
YOU WERE THERE. YOU TOOK THAT TEST.
I COULDN'T LET DOWN MY MOM
OR MR. COLLINGWOOD AFTER FOUR MONTHS OF HIS PREP CLASS.
THEY GIVE YOU THAT TEST,
AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW HOW SMART YOU ARE.
I KNOW THE TEST IS LAME.
BUT WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG.
BUT YOU KNOW WHY I DID WHAT I DID.
PLEASE, INGRID, JUST LET ME JET.
THANKS, INGRID.
NO.
SETH, I CAN'T LET YOU GET A--
INGRID, WE TAKE SETH BACK TO H.Q.,
AND THEN WE TALK.
YOU WERE GONNA LET HIM GO.
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
BUT I WAS GOING TO GET HIM.
YOU ALMOST DIDN'T.
INGRID, WE'RE PARTNERS.
BE STRAIGHT WITH ME.
I KNOW SETH. HE'S CREATIVE.
HE DOES THESE COOL LITTLE CARTOONS
ABOUT A PIG NAMED SCHMAGUGY.
HE INVENTED A CANDY-BAR WALLET
THAT KEEPS THEM FROM MELTING IN YOUR POCKET.
BUT YOU DON'T SEE THAT IN A S.A.T.T.Y.-9 SCORE.
LEVEL 26.
FOR A SECOND, I JUST THOUGHT
MAYBE THE WORLD WOULD BE BETTER OFF
WITHOUT THOSE ANSWER SHEETS.
THAT TEST MAY BE BEAT,
BUT THERE'S A RIGHT WAY TO FIGHT IT --
PROTESTING, GIANT BANNERS, EDITORIALS,
HARD JAMS WITH HARDER RHYMES.
GOING THE OTHER WAY IS A SUCKER MOVE.
WE HAVE A JOB. WE DON'T MAKE THE RULES.
I ONLY FORGOT THAT FOR A SECOND.
BUT, INGRID, YOU FORGOT THAT.
WE GOT THE BOX.
IT WAS JUST WHERE YOU SAID IT WAS, SETH.
NEXT YOU TELL US WHERE YOU PUT THE LOBSTER COSTUME.
LOBSTER COSTUME?
THE LOBSTER COSTUME YOU USED TO STEAL THE TESTS.
I DIDN'T STEAL ANY TESTS.
CHEAT SHEETS -- TONS OF THEM.
AT LEAST IT'S NOT TARTAR SAUCE.
I...CHEATED. ISN'T THAT WHY YOU WERE AFTER ME?
NO. WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
AM I STILL IN TROUBLE?
WE ALL ARE, SETH. WE ALL ARE.
YOU HEAR THAT?
THAT'S HOW IT'S BEEN
SINCE THE ANSWER SHEETS GOT STOLEN.
I HEAR IT IN MY SLEEP.
I ADD MILK TO MY CRISPED-RICE CEREAL,
AND IT SOUNDS LIKE MY PHONE!
NORMA, HOLD MY CALLS.
I GAVE YOU 48 HOURS, AND WE'RE DOWN TO 12.
WHERE ARE MY RESULTS, PEOPLE?!
LISTEN, WE HAD SOME LEADS THAT CAME UP DRY, BUT --
I ONLY WANT TO HEAR ONE THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, VALLEJO --
"WE FOUND THE TESTS!"
SINCE I AM NOT HEARING THAT, AS OF RIGHT NOW,
I AM MAKING PLANS TO RE-ADMINISTER THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9.
PRINCIPAL FOLSOM, YOU SAID WE HAVE 12 MORE HOURS.
WE'RE GONNA FIND THOSE TESTS.
COUNT ON IT.
12 HOURS.
BUT I AM NOT GONNA GET CAUGHT LOOKING.
INGRID, REPORT TO ROOM 7-G.
WHAT FOR?
I'M HAVING A FACILITATOR MEET
WITH SOME OF X's BEST AND BRIGHTEST.
YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE. YOU NEED TO HEAL.
WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INVESTIGATION.
LISTEN, INGRID'S OUR S.A.T.T.Y.-9 ACE IN THE HOLE.
I NEED HER EMOTIONALLY PREPARED TO RETAKE THAT TEST.
CAN YOU SPARE HER?
ORDINARILY, I'D SAY NO.
BUT MAYBE SHE HAS SOME THINGS SHE NEEDS TO WORK OUT.
IT'S ALL FOR NAUGHT. IT'S ALL FORGOT.
THEY TOOK MY S.A.T.T.Y.-9 AWAY.
THAT WAS A LOVELY POEM, MALLORY.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
THEY MAY HAVE TAKEN YOUR ANSWER SHEET AWAY FROM YOU,
BUT THEY DIDN'T TAKE THE ANSWERS.
REALLY?
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU STILL HAVE THEM RIGHT UP HERE.
BUT FOR THE LAST THREE MONTHS, MY MOM WOULD TUTOR ME
AFTER SHE GOT HOME FROM WORKING AT THE GRAVY FACTORY.
HOW DO I TELL HER SOMEONE JUST STOLE ALL THAT WORK AWAY?
NOW, MALLORY BROUGHT UP THE THIEF.
LET'S TRY SOMETHING.
I WANT YOU TO REACH DOWN AND JUST SHOUT OUT SOME WORDS
THAT YOU FEEL DESCRIBE THE PERSON
WHO -- WHO STOLE YOUR S.A.T.T.Y.-9 TESTS.
VILLAINESS!
INIQUITOUS!
REPROBATE!
MACHIAVELLIAN!
S-T-O-P THE --
LEADS ARE COMING UP DRY ON FINDING THE TESTS.
WE NEED TO CUT THROUGH THE CREAM CHEESE, AND QUICK.
WHO'S GOT THE COSTUME SPECS? RIGHT HERE.
LOBSTER SHELL. WHAT'S IT MADE OUT OF?
INDUSTRIAL POLYMER PLASTIC.
WHAT WAS THE TEMPERATURE AT NOON TODAY?
HAD TO BE IN THE 80s.
IT WAS NO PICNIC EATING MY ICE-CREAM SANDWICH AT LUNCH.
GOOEY? DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED.
MASCOT-COSTUME MANUFACTURERS USE PLASTIC FOR DURABILITY,
NOT FOR COMFORT.
THE PLASTIC GETS HOT, AND THAT'S HOW WE'RE GONNA FIND IT QUICK,
USING THE BIRD-WATCHING CLUB'S INFRARED SCOPE.
HOLD UP.
DISCO.
S-T-O-P THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9!
OOH.
HEY! OFFICER THIRD!
HI.
HEY.
THANKS FOR POINTING OUT MISS SNITCHY.
UH, NO PROBLEM, ENID.
ENID QUINTARA? INGRID THIRD --
X MIDDLE SCHOOL SAFETY PATROL. LET'S TALK.
LOBSTEE DESERVED BETTER.
COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
WE COULD HAVE FOUND HIM IN A POT WITH A SIDE OF BUTTER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
COME ON.
YOU KNOW...
I'D REALLY LIKE TO CAPTURE THIS MOMENT.
DON'T.
FILLMORE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SOMETHING DOESN'T ADD UP.
ANZA, GET THE WINDOW.
DISCO. IT DOESN'T FIT.
MUST WE HAVE OUR INTELLECTUAL WORTH
ASSIGNED TO A NUMBER
SO THAT IT'S MORE CONVENIENT FOR THE MAN?!
ENID DOESN'T THINK SO.
SOME KIDS WANTED TO TAKE THAT TEST,
AND I JUST REALIZED THEY SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT
WITHOUT ALL OF THEIR HARD WORK DISAPPEARING
WITH A GIANT LOBSTER.
WHAT'S IN THE LOCKER, ENID?
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO HIDE, INGRID.
I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR PRECIOUS S.A.T.T.Y.-9s.
I WAS IN KEY CLUB ALL AFTERNOON, 'K?!
EVERY DAY MY SECRET ADMIRER LEAVES ME A BOUQUET.
THE FACT IS I'M VERY LOVED, INGRID.
HEY. THOSE ARE CHRYSANTHEMUMS.
IT'S MY FAVORITE FLOWER.
THEY MAKE ME FEEL WARM INSIDE.
CHRYSANTHEMUMS?
WAIT. WHAT IS IT?
MY PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY IS ACTING UP.
CRACKERS.
ELLIOT SAID THE PERP PUT ON THE COSTUME
AND SNUCK OUT THE WINDOW.
EXACTLY.
DISCO. THE MISSING PIECE OF ELLIOT'S BOXER SHORTS.
IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
NO PERP STOLE THE COSTUME AND CRAWLED OUT THE WINDOW.
IT WAS ELLIOT.
ELLIOT WALKED OUT OF THE CHANGING ROOM AS LOBSTEE,
STOLE THE TESTS, DITCHED THE COSTUME,
AND SNUCK BACK IN THROUGH THE WINDOW, TEARING HIS BOXER SHORTS.
HE THEN LOCKED THE DOOR FROM THE INSIDE
AND CHINESE FINGER-TRAPPED HIS OWN DIGITS.
BUT WHY?
FILLMORE.
Elliot is Enid Quintara's secret admirer.
SHE'S THE GIRL THAT WANTS TO STOP THE S.A.T.T.Y.-9.
YOU JUST FOUND THE LAST PIECE OF THE PUZZLE.
IT WAS ELLIOT. WE HAVE ALL THE EVIDENCE HERE.
I'M GOING AFTER HIM. COVER THE EXITS.
GET HIM, INGRID.
AND GO AHEAD AND USE YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
IT'S IN THE CLOSET.
THEY GOT ME A SCOOTER.
ELLIOT, IT'S OVER. WHERE ARE THE TESTS?
WHAT? I DIDN'T TAKE THE --
SAVE IT.
UM, I THINK I'LL JUST... SAVE MYSELF.
UGH!
STUMP, I NEED YOUR WAXER.
BE GOOD TO HER.
SHE'S ALL I GOT.
NICE TRY, OFFICER FILLMORE,
BUT ONCE AGAIN, YOU'VE MISSED THE MARK.
ANYWAY, BYE-BYE.
UM, ELLIOT...
WHAT?
HERE'S YOUR CANDY BACK.
WHOA!
YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM THAT STUFF.
IT'S REAL BAD FOR YOU.
YOU DID IT, GUYS. BANG-UP WORK.
HE BETRAYS THE SCHOOL AND THE GOOD NAME OF LOBSTEE,
HE'S FACING SUSPENSION, AND STILL WINS.
NO, FILLMORE, WE WON.
HE JUST GOT THE GIRL OF HIS DREAMS.
I GUESS THERE'S WORSE THINGS THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED.
VALLEJO. YES, PRINCIPAL FOLSOM.
ELLIOT'S IN CUSTODY, AND WE GOT THE TESTS.
WHAT?
A $300 COSTUME?
A $6,000 FLOOR WAXER?!
FILLMO-O-O-O-RE!
SORRY WE HAD TO GIVE YOU YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT A DAY EARLY.
IT WAS A NICE NONSURPRISE.
FILLMORE, ABOUT WHAT WENT DOWN ON THE BRIDGE --
HEY, IT WAS A BRIDGE YOU HAD TO CROSS.
AND NOW YOU'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE.
I AM.
BUT I'D STILL LIKE TO SEE THAT STUPID TEST GO DOWN.
DON'T WE ALL?
BUT, INGRID, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
SOMETHING.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES,
OR AT LEAST ANY OF THE RULES I KNOW.
HEY, LET'S GET SOME EGG ROLLS. YOU'RE BUYING.
INGRID, YOU CAN'T RIDE THAT ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.
OH, SURE I CAN. WATCH.
UH, YOU'RE GONNA LET ME TAKE A TURN, RIGHT?
ONLY IF YOU CATCH ME.
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