FILLMORE. I'M ON IT.
[ SIREN WAILS ]
AND NOW -- "FILLMORE."
TODAY'S EPISODE -- "A COLD DAY AT X."
YOU KNOW WHAT'S FRUSTRATING?
YOU CAN'T REALLY SEE YOUR OWN BUTT.
O'FARRELL!
I MEAN, SURE, YOU MIGHT CATCH A GLIMPSE OF IT
IN THE MIRROR NOW AND THEN,
BUT DO YOU EVER REALLY KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE?
I MEAN... REALLY KNOW.
DANNY, I AM BEGGING YOU, MAN!
IT'S LIKE A ZEN RIDDLE --
CAN ANY OF US EVER BE CERTAIN WE EVEN HAVE BUTTS
IF WE CAN NEVER SEE THEM?
SAY, FILLMORE, IF I GAVE YOU MY CAMERA,
WOULD YOU TAKE A PICTURE?
GAME ON, PEOPLE.
GOOD MORNING, FRANCIS.
PLEASE PLACE YOUR BASEBALL CARD COLLECTION
INTO THE BACK OF THE TRUCK.
HOW DO I KNOW YOU'LL GIVE ME BACK MY RETAINER?
YOU DON'T.
Ingrid? I'M ON IT.
TALK TO ME, INGRID.
GOT HIM.
IT'S THE SAND BIN, EAST PARKING LOT.
[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA PRETEND YOU DIDN'T JUST ASK ME THAT.
COME ON, TEHAMA -- JUST ONE PICTURE!
[ MOTOR SHUTS OFF ]
HEY, INGRID...
ARIELLA ON LINE 2.
WHAT UP, SIS?
OH, NO. HOW BAD?
I'LL MEET YOU HOMESIDE RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.
LATE.
EVERYTHING COOL?
MY DAD'S SICK.
NOTHING CRITICAL -- JUST A HEAD COLD.
BUT HE'S GONNA NEED AROUND-THE-CLOCK ATTENTION.
FOR A COLD?
OH, YEAH. HE MAY BE HEAD
OF THE MATH HISTORY DEPARTMENT AT THE UNIVERSITY,
BUT LAST TIME HE WASN'T FEELING WELL,
HE TRIED TO TAKE HIS TEMPERATURE
BY STICKING A THERMOMETER UP HIS NOSE.
SCARY.
FILLMORE! THIRD!
OUR RETAINER-NAPPER? HE'S READY TO TALK.
I CAN'T DO THREE MONTHS' DETENTION.
NO WAY.
SO, HOW'S ABOUT A LITTLE QUID PRO QUO?
[ CHUCKLES ] YOU FOLLOW?
YOU KNOCK SOME TIME OFF,
THEN I GIVE YOU SOME, UH, INFORMATION.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? DEPENDS ON THE INFORMATION.
IN TWO DAYS, MRS. CORNWALL'S GIVING
HER PRE-ALGEBRA FINAL, RIGHT?
TOUGH CLASS.
YEAH -- REAL TOUGH.
ONLY SOME OF HER STUDENTS ARE PLANNING TO MAKE IT
A LITTLE EASIER, IF YOU CATCH MY MEANING.
WHY DON'T YOU SPELL IT OUT FOR US?
THEY'RE GONNA STEAL THE TEST AHEAD OF TIME.
AND HOW DO WE KNOW THIS INFO IS LEGIT?
HEY, GO CHECK IT OUT, MAN.
IF I'M LYING, I'LL DO MY THREE MONTHS.
WE BETTER GET DOWN TO MRS. CORNWALL'S CLASS,
GIVE HER A HEADS-UP.
DO IT.
WITHIN ANY EQUATION,
THE VALUE OF X WILL ALWAYS REMAIN CONSTANT AND UNCHANGED.
IF IT'S 2 + X = 5, X WILL ALWAYS EQUAL 3 --
ALWAYS.
THERE COULD BE A HURRICANE OUTSIDE.
A ROCK-'N'-ROLL BAND COULD WIN THE U.S. PRESIDENCY.
DOGS COULD BEGIN SPEAKING PERFECT FRENCH.
IF IT'S 2 + X = 5, X WILL ALWAYS EQUAL 3.
TAKE COMFORT IN THAT CERTAINTY.
IT WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS THING CALLED ALGEBRA...
AND THIS THING CALLED LIFE.
NOW, I'D LIKE ALL OF YOU TO WORK ON THIS PROBLEM
FOR THE REMAINDER OF CLASS.
MRS. CORNWALL, I'M CORNELIUS FILLMORE,
AND THIS IS MY PARTNER, INGRID THIRD.
WE'RE FROM THE SAFETY PATROL.
WE APOLOGIZE FOR INTERRUPTING YOUR CLASS,
BUT IT'S IMPORTANT.
WE'VE RECEIVED INFORMATION
THAT A SMALL GROUP OF YOUR STUDENTS
ARE PLANNING TO STEAL A COPY OF YOUR FINAL.
INDEED?
THAT IS ALARMING.
WE'RE CONTINUING OUR INVESTIGATION.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE SUGGEST YOU TAKE PRECAUTIONS.
OH, I INTEND TO, OFFICERS, I ASSURE YOU.
[ BELL RINGS ]
A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME, CLASS.
THIS IS A COPY OF TOMORROW'S EXAM,
COMPLETE WITH ANSWER KEY.
AND I ASSURE YOU,
IT'S EVERY BIT AS TOUGH AS YOU'RE IMAGINING.
I'LL BE KEEPING IT HERE IN MY DESK DRAWER
AND LEAVING IT UNLOCKED.
THIS CLASSROOM WILL ALSO REMAIN UNLOCKED
FROM NOW UNTIL THE FINAL.
ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?
VERY WELL.
THEN I'LL SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW FOR THE EXAM.
MRS. CORNWALL, YOU ASKED IF THERE WERE ANY QUESTIONS.
I'VE GOT ONE.
YOU NO DOUBT ARE WONDERING
WHY I JUST ANNOUNCED TO MY ENTIRE CLASS
WHERE THEY COULD GET THEIR HANDS ON A COPY
OF THE UPCOMING EXAM.
CROSSED OUR MINDS.
THIS IS A COPY OF THE 1956 STUDENT HANDBOOK.
THAT'S THE YEAR I GRADUATED FROM X MIDDLE SCHOOL.
IN IT YOU'LL FIND THE SCHOOL'S HONOR CODE.
HONOR CODE?
IT'S SOMETHING I READ TO MY CLASS
AT THE START OF EVERY SEMESTER.
"ALL STUDENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CONDUCTING
THEIR OWN ACADEMIC AFFAIRS WITH HONOR AND INTEGRITY."
I'M MERELY TRUSTING MY STUDENTS
TO FOLLOW THE CODE ON THEIR OWN.
AND IF THEY DON'T?
THEN THEY'LL ONLY BE CHEATING THEMSELVES, WON'T THEY?
NOT QUITE, MRS. CORNWALL.
WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS WHO WERE STUDYING
TO TAKE THE TEST STRAIGHT UP?
WHO'S LOOKING OUT FOR THEM?
CORNELIUS, HONOR IS SOMETHING EARNED,
NOT ENFORCED.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE KIDS THE CHANCE TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
ALL DUE RESPECT, MA'AM,
BUT...IT ISN'T 1956 ANYMORE.
IN THIS CLASSROOM IT IS,
AND IT ALWAYS WILL BE.
[ RINGS ]
DOG! SHE'S LEAVING THE TEST WIDE OPEN.
Vallejo: Ingrid, your dad's on line 4.
He's trying to have lunch,
but he can't remember if it's a feed a cold,
starve a fever, or the other way around.
IT'S OKAY. YOU GO DEAL.
BUT I'M GONNA STICK AROUND.
I'M ON MY WAY.
COME BACK FOR A LITTLE TUTORING?
OFFICER FILLMORE, RIGHT?
I SUPPOSE I COULD MAKE UP SOME EXCUSE
FOR WHY WE'RE HERE.
BUT WE ALL KNOW THE TRUTH.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE CARTER BURNS.
IF CARTER DOESN'T MAINTAIN A "B" AVERAGE,
HIS PARENTS DON'T LET HIM GO SKIING IN ASPEN THIS YEAR.
AND MAY I PRESENT BRENDA BRONSON?
BRENDA NEEDS TO PASS PRE-ALGEBRA
IF SHE WANTS TO REMAIN ELIGIBLE FOR THE SCULLING TEAM.
AND MITCH KRAGMA --
IF HE DOESN'T DO WELL ON THIS TEST,
HE LOSES HIS VIDEO-GAME PRIVILEGES.
MITCH LIKES HIS VIDEO GAMES...
A LOT.
AND YOU? WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?
MAYBE I JUST DON'T LIKE TO STUDY.
DOES IT REALLY MATTER?
THE ISSUE HERE IS THAT YOU APPEAR TO BE IN OUR WAY.
GET USED TO IT, BABY.
LADY...GENTLEMEN. CAN I BE OF ANY HELP?
UH...NO THANKS, MRS. CORNWALL.
WE WERE JUST ON OUR WAY
TO WATCH SOME...TRAVEL PROGRAM.
RIGHT, GUYS?
CORNELIUS.
THANKS, MA. I'LL MEET YOU OUT FRONT.
OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO BRING MY SLEEPING BAG.
BYE.
PLANNING A LITTLE OVERNIGHT CAMPING TRIP?
IF I HAVE TO GUARD MRS. CORNWALL'S CLASS OVERNIGHT
TO MAKE SURE THE TEST STAYS LEGIT,
THEN THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.
LISTEN, IF MRS. CORNWALL WANTS TO POST
THE ANSWERS TO HER TEST
IN FLASHING NEON ON THE BLACKBOARD,
THAT'S HER BUSINESS.
AND IF SOME KIDS WANNA STEAL A TEST,
THAT'S MY BUSINESS.
Fillmore, you reading me?
HEY, INGRID. HOW'S POPS?
NOT BAD. WE'RE MIXING HIM UP A BATCH
OF ZINC-FORTIFIED ALBONDIGAS SOUP AS WE SPEAK.
[ SLURPS ] NEEDS A LITTLE MORE AJO.
How's things there?
NOT BAD. I'M JUST CHECKING OUT
THAT OLD HONOR CODE MRS. CORNWALL SHOWED US.
IT'S SOMETHING ELSE.
YOU KNOW, FILLMORE, WE'RE PARTNERS.
I SHOULD BE THERE BACKING YOU UP.
FORGET IT, INGRID. YOU'VE GOT FAMILY STUFF.
BESIDES, BY FIRST BELL TOMORROW,
THIS WILL ALL BE OVER.
GOOD NIGHT, FILLMORE.
[ YAWNS ] NIGHT, INGRID.
[ RINGS ]
THE SUDDEN AND UNEXPECTED STORM SYSTEM
HAS PARALYZED THE REGION,
CAUSING BUSINESS AND SCHOOL CANCELLATIONS
ALL OVER THE STATE.
You there?
I'M HERE.
THE WHOLE TOWN IS SHUT DOWN --
PHONE LINES, ELECTRICITY, EVERYTHING.
NOTHING IS MOVING, NOT EVEN THE PLOWS.
Looks like you've got a solo school day on your hands.
NOT QUITE.
GUYS, WE'RE IN A LITTLE BIT OF A RUSH.
GET THE TEST.
IT'S NOT HERE!
WHAT? WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!
I SAY...LOOK AT THIS!
FILLMORE.
I KNEW SOMETHING LIKE THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN!
I KNEW IT!
CALM YOURSELF.
I DIDN'T SEE ANY TRACKS LEADING AWAY FROM THE SCHOOL.
HUH. HE NEVER LEFT.
AND WITH THAT STORM GETTING WORSE,
HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE, AND NEITHER IS THE TEST.
WE'LL SIMPLY SEARCH THE ENTIRE --
[ FEEDBACK ]
HEY, GEORGE, I SUGGEST YOU AND YOUR CREW GO HOME AND CRACK THE BOOKS.
YOU'VE STILL GOT SOME TIME TO STUDY.
YOU WANNA STAY HERE AND DANCE, THAT'S FINE.
BUT YOU GETTING THE ANSWER SHEET --
THAT'S NOT HAPPENING.
RAYCLIFF'S OFFICE! MOVE!
[ SQUEAKING ]
THERE! THERE!
I SAY, CAN'T WE SIMPLY PAY THIS FILLMORE FELLOW
TO GIVE US WHAT WE WANT?
HE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT GUARDING THAT TEST.
DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO CAN BE BOUGHT?
NOW FLUSH HIM OUT!
LISTEN UP, FILLMORE.
YOU CAN WALK OUT OF HERE.
ALL WE WANT IS THE TEST.
[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]
THIS WAY.
UGH!
HE'S HERE...
THERE...
EVERYWHERE!
I S-SAY... ARE WE HUNTING HIM,
OR IS HE HUNTING US?
SHH!
[ CRICKETS CHIRPING ]
[ RUSTLING ]
YOU'RE TRAPPED, FILLMORE.
NOW, WE CAN DO THIS THE EASY WAY...
OR THE HARD WAY.
SPEAKING OF THE HARD WAY, I GOT A QUESTION.
OH? AND WHAT'S THAT?
ALL THIS EFFORT YOU'RE PUTTING INTO STEALING THAT TEST --
I MEAN, WHY NOT JUST USE THE SNOW DAY TO STUDY
AND TAKE IT LEGIT?
SPARE US THE SERMONS, FILLMORE!
YOU'VE GOT NO WAY OUT.
Ingrid, can you hear me?
FILLMORE, HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT SO GOOD. THEY GOT ME CORNERED IN THE NURSERY.
UM...CAN I COME OUT NOW?
FIVE MORE MINUTES, DAD.
SIT TIGHT, FILLMORE.
I'M ON THE LANDSCAPING SOCIETY'S WEB PAGE,
ACCESSING THE GREENHOUSE BLUEPRINTS NOW.
CRACKERS! THERE'S A WARM-AIR VENTILATION DUCT
IN THE EXOTIC TROPICALS SECTION.
WHERE ARE YOU NOW?
TENDER PERENNIALS.
CAN YOU MAKE IT?
I'LL HAVE TO. FILLMORE OUT.
GOOD LUCK. INGRID OUT.
CAN I COME OUT NOW?
AHOY!
THERE HE IS!
WHERE'D HE GO? WHERE'D HE GO?!
UGH! UGH!
HMM...THE SCHOOL ARCHIVES.
CHECK OUT MRS. CORNWALL BACK IN THE DAY.
HEY, MR. FISH, I'M ON LEVEL 28.
NOT BAD, HUH?
MY WORD!
THIS IS AN ENTIRE ROLL OF FILM
OF SOME FELLOW'S POSTERIOR.
IT LOOKS LIKE HE TOOK THEM ALL HIMSELF.
KEEP LOOKING!
FILLMORE HAD HELP GETTING OUT OF THAT GREENHOUSE.
HEY, GUYS, CHECK THIS OUT.
It happened in 1955,
when Mrs. Cornwall was in seventh grade.
SHE WAS TAKING A MAKEUP TEST ALONE IN THE CLASS.
AFTER SHE TURNED IT IN,
THE TEACHER REALIZED HE HAD LEFT
ALL THE ANSWERS WRITTEN ON THE BLACKBOARD.
SO HERE'S THE KICKER --
MRS. CORNWALL GOT A "C" ON THAT TEST.
SHE HAD THE ANSWERS STARING HER RIGHT IN THE FACE,
AND SHE STILL TOOK THE TEST STRAIGHT UP.
Wow, Fillmore.
I GUESS MRS. CORNWALL DOESN'T JUST TALK THE TALK.
YEAH.
HOW'S THINGS WITH YOUR DAD GOING?
WELL, ONE THING'S FOR SURE.
HE'S CONTAGIOUS.
AH-CHOO!
Bless you.
THANK YOU.
I'M GONNA GO FIX THEM SOME LUNCH NOW.
SOUNDS GOOD.
I'M GONNA HIT THE EAST WING VENDING MACHINES.
INGRID, HELP ME OUT.
I GOT IT NARROWED DOWN BETWEEN THE FUN CAKE
[ Echoing ] AND THE CRUNCH BAR. I --
UH...
ANY OF YOU GOT CHANGE FOR $1?
FILLMORE, DO YOU READ ME?
I'm sorry, Ingrid,
BUT I'M AFRAID YOUR PARTNER IS GOING TO BE BUSY
TUTORING US IN PRE-ALGEBRA.
I'M TELLING YOU, WE SEARCHED HIM.
HE DOESN'T HAVE THE TEST!
HE MUST HAVE STASHED IT SOMEWHERE IN THE SCHOOL.
I'VE WORKED TOO HARD NOT TO ACE THAT FINAL.
WE'LL SIMPLY KEEP FILLMORE HERE
UNTIL WE FIND THE TEST OURSELVES.
MITCH, STAY HERE AND KEEP AN EYE ON HIM.
ME? BY MYSELF?
WHY NOT CARTER?
W-WHY NOT BRENDA?
JUST DO IT.
A HERO SHALL RISE.
I WISH I HAD A FISH I COULD TALK TO ABOUT MY PROBLEMS.
I MEAN, MR. FISH, JOEY HAS NO GAMING SKILLS.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE'S HYPERSPACE HAPPY.
AND HE THINKS HE'S ALL THAT JUST 'CAUSE HE FOUND
THAT SECRET LEVEL IN THE CASTLE.
[ GASPS ] AAH!
[ SQUEAKING ]
INGRID!
HEY, WAIT!
[ PANTING ]
HE -- HE GOT AWAY!
THERE HE IS!
INGRID, IT'S ME. I'M HEADING HOME.
WE DON'T HAVE THE TEST...
WE DON'T HAVE FILLMORE...
WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING!!
Officer Fillmore...
you're not dreaming of leaving the party so soon, are you?
HEY, GEORGE, ANY LUCK FINDING THE TEST?
I'M NOT GOING TO NEED TO FIND THE TEST.
YOU'RE GOING TO BRING IT TO ME.
YEAH? AND WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
Why? Because the freezing temperature of water
is 32 degrees Fahrenheit, Officer.
I FIGURE IT'LL TAKE, UH... ABOUT AN HOUR
FOR THE WATER IN YOUR FISHBOWL TO FREEZE SOLID.
SO I SUGGEST WE MEET FOR A LITTLE EXCHANGE
BEFORE YOUR PRECIOUS PET BECOMES A FROZEN FISH STICK.
GEORGE, UH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD JUST GO HOME.
I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. I JUST KNEW IT.
Okay. Let's do this.
YOU KNOW THE BRIDGE ON EAST CAMPUS?
MEET US THERE IN 10 MINUTES.
HAND OVER THE TEST, FILLMORE.
GEORGE, YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOUR REASON FOR BEING HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
I THINK YOU DESERVE THAT MUCH.
I'VE EARNED AN "A" ON THAT FINAL,
PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
I'VE SPENT THIS ENTIRE SEMESTER
WORKING MY TAIL OFF FOR MRS. CORNWALL.
I DID ALL MY HOMEWORK,
READ EVERY CHAPTER OVER AND OVER,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT MY AVERAGE IS RIGHT NOW?
AFTER ALL THAT WORK, A "C."
A LOUSY "C"!
MAYBE, BUT IT'S AN HONEST "C."
AND YEARS FROM NOW, WHEN WE'RE ALL JUST
DUSTY BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTOS IN SOME YEARBOOK,
THAT HONEST "C" IS GONNA BE WORTH
MORE THAN THAT BOGUS "A,"
BECAUSE IT WILL MEAN THAT YOU EARNED
SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT -- HONOR, MAN.
FILLMORE, I DON'T DEAL IN "YEARS FROM NOW."
I DEAL IN "RIGHT NOW" --
AS IN, "GIVE US THE TEST RIGHT NOW."
FIRST, HAND OVER THE FISH.
MR. FISH!
NO-O-O-O-O!
HIS NAME'S MILES.
I'LL GET WATER. I'LL GET WATER!
I SHAN'T SNOWBOARD
WITH THE BLOOD OF AN INNOCENT ON MY HANDS!
WE'VE GOTTA GET HIM INSIDE.
HE'S GONNA BE OKAY.
WELL, FILLMORE,
IT'S BEEN...INTERESTING.
I GUESS WE'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
HOLD UP.
I WASN'T EXACTLY BEING HONORABLE
ON THAT BRIDGE MYSELF.
I WASN'T GIVING YOU A CHOICE.
I WAS WRONG.
THE ANSWER SHEET?
THE ANSWER SHEET.
THERE IT IS -- YOURS TO TAKE.
NO INTERFERENCE, NO JUDGMENTS.
YOU CAN CHOOSE RIGHT NOW WHAT YOU WANT --
WHO YOU WANNA BE.
ALL I KNOW IS, I FEEL BETTER RIGHT NOW
JUST FOR BEING STRAIGHT UP WITH YOU GUYS.
NOW I'M GONNA TURN AROUND.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE REST OF YOU,
BUT I DON'T THINK I NEED THAT ANYMORE.
HEY, GEORGE, HOW ABOUT A STUDY GROUP?
I'LL HAVE MY FAMILY CHEF WHIP UP
VARIOUS FINGER FOODS. HMM? HMM?
HEY, INGRID, SO HOW ARE YOUR PATIENTS DOING?
BETTER -- JUST ONE PROBLEM.
AH...AH...AH...
CHOO!
OH, SNAPS!
YEAH. LOOK, FILLMORE...
I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE WITH YOU TODAY.
HEY...YOU WERE HERE.
Feel better, Ingrid. Fillmore out.
[ DOOR OPENS ]
AH, CORNELIUS.
I HAD A FEELING YOU MIGHT BE LURKING ABOUT.
HEY...MRS. CORNWALL.
SOME ROUGH WEATHER OUT THERE, HUH?
OH, POOH.
BACK IN MY DAY, IT WOULD TAKE AN ICE AGE
BEFORE THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD DECLARE A SNOW DAY.
YOU SEE, CORNELIUS? STILL RIGHT HERE --
SAFE AND SOUND.
MAYBE YOU JUST HAVE TO TRUST THAT KIDS HAVE
A TREMENDOUS CAPACITY FOR DOING THE RIGHT THING
WHEN THEY'RE ALLOWED TO MAKE THE CHOICE THEMSELVES.
[ CHUCKLES ] MAYBE, MRS. CORNWALL.
MAYBE.
SO, YOU'VE HAD A SCHOOL DAY TO YOURSELF --
NO TEACHERS, NO CLASSMATES.
DID YOU MANAGE TO LEARN ANYTHING TODAY?
YEAH, I DID --
THE VALUE OF X REMAINS CONSTANT.
YES...
INDEED IT DOES.
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION AND ABC, INC. CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY