Ripped by: dj-oRi
" I need a Ken doll pilot with a sexy smile and a flying limousine
" To pick me up, go the extra mile and deliver me to the scene
" I need five more hours in the average day
" One to get the work done, four to play
" Be a devil and angel You know what I mean?
" Stand back
" Out of my way
" Stand back
" You're crowding my day
" No time for good manners, do what I say
" If you're not here to help then you're just in the way
" The road is littered with the faint of heart, the fools who fell from stress
" It's a fact of life that you can't catch up, better learn how to love the mess
" So I'll just kick back, ignore the noise, have my way with the pretty boys,
" What I dream at night don't even try to guess
- " Stand back - " Stand back
" Out of my way
- " Stand back - " Stand back
" You're crowding my day
" Now this is my time to step up to the mike
" Like rock'n'roll lightning I'm ready to strike
- " Stand back - " Stand back
" Oh
- " Stand back - " Stand back
" Stand back
What do we got here? One, two, three, four beautiful ladies. Come on.
Caesar, let 'em in.
Nice. Not you. Too random.
- Hey, Tinka. What are you doing? - I'm waiting for you.
Oh, no. You can't become a supermodel waiting in the middle of a line. Follow me.
- Evening, Jimmy. This is Tinka. - She's with you?
Are you kidding? I'm with her. She's the next big thing. Look at her.
Well, that may be, but she's not on the list.
Let me see that.
Look at that. She is now, stud.
- Come on. - Let 'em in.
- So that's how it works. - Who was she?
- Hey, what about us, stud? - We've been waiting for an hour.
" The books I've read
" And this heart of mine
" I've booked ahead to the other side
Hey, Rufus.
Hey-hey.
- What's happening? - That's what's happening. Who is she?
Close your mouth, Rufus. It's Tinka. Everybody knows Tinka.
I'll give her a shout out.
Hey, that girl on stage with the serious moves is Tinka.
Dominique Modeling Agency. Good morning.
No, Caitlin's not in this early. I'll connect you to her voice mail.
- Hey, Lacey. - Good morning.
Two calls from Paris, one from Milan, and both need you to call back right now.
Ouch! Come here, Shelby. Sweetie, don't kick Mommy.
Lacey. You brought Shelby again. Dominique's gonna kill you.
- She's getting picked up at 7:30. Shh! - Watch out.
- Sweetie, you want to color? - Yeah.
Dominique Modeling Agency. Good morning.
OK, you can send your picture and resume.
- Thank you.
Dominique Modeling Agency. Good morning.
No, Dominique's not in yet. Can I give you her assistant Helen?
Thank you.
Hello, it's Helen. Hi.
Bonjour, Didier. Non, non, uh...
OK, Jean Paul, so let's go over who you booked for that shoot again.
Yeah, just to be sure. Varusha, Segrid Olafsson, Malak, Tinka...
Tinka?
I don't have a Tinka. Who is Tinka?
Morning, Lacey. Is that the new one? Let me see.
- Dominique's here. - You smell funny. Is it baby powder?
- You need to sign these, please. - Who are you?
Mary. I'm the new intern.
Hope you're here long enough for me to remember your name.
Du kannst den Fotografen nicht warten lassen.
Dominiques Modelle kommen nie zu spat.
Dominique? Dominique, here are the gentlemen for the Lola ad.
Hm.
"Every man." Well, they're not every man. Do better.
I demand to have her first. Let me speak to Dominique right now.
I need the list for the shoot. Yes.
Oh, you've heard about Tinka, have you?
Well, if you want her, she's gonna cost you double, you know?
She's very popular.
Good. We got a deal. Bye.
I love new clients.
Thank you.
Caitlin.
No, no. He looks like a model. No, he's just too beautiful.
We need a, you know, everyman. A bloke. A really, you know, nice...
Dominique.
You see. That's a bloke.
Excuse me. You with the water. What's your name?
Gary Hagelnick.
Um... Cia. Would you photograph him, please?
Vieni qua, facciamolo.
- I don't do naked... any more. - Scusa.
Take some test shots. I think he's our Lola guy.
- Lindsay's going to love it. - I'm so late.
- Listen, have fun with your sisters tonight. - Mm-hm. I'll call you on my way back.
OK.
" Happy birthday to you
" Happy birthday, dear Mom
- Aunt Helen's here! - Aunt Helen's here!
Hang on. Hang on.
Hi. How are you?
I'm so glad you're here. And you smell good.
- Thanks. Here. - Hey, Aunt Helen.
Yah! Oh!
Dad, are you really taking Mom to Atlantic City?
- Yes, I am. - Helen, look what I got.
Your first fake ID. Congratulations, "Mrs Gonzales"?
- It's the only name they had. - I'm gonna show her my new turtle.
- Hey-ho.
Sorry I'm late. I've just been working my...
- And what were you two...? - Oh, nothing.
- Talking? Talking? - Just girl talk.
No, no. Just catching up.
Do you want something to eat? Are you hungry?
- No. I'm fine. I ate. - I can make it up.
I am stuffed. I ate an apple on the way here.
Sorry, Jenny.
OK. So. And...
" Happy birthday to you
OK, make a wish, honey.
See, they couldn't put all the candles on there or else the smoke alarm would go off.
I love this. Thank you.
You're welcome.
- OK. Who's this? This is Jenny? - Yes.
And I wonder what it is. It must be...
Potpourri.
No. You're all wrong.
It's not potpourri. It's a make-your-own potpourri kit.
Oh, it's great. I love it. Thank you so much.
- Who's next? - Oh, me, me, me, me, me.
- Me, me, me, me, me. - Oh, yay. Oh, yay. Oh, yay.
"Lindsay, just remember...
...you're never too old to dance around in your underwear."
No way.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my gosh. Look. - Oh, no. Devo.
You got the hats. Where did you find these?
I couldn't believe it. On line. Of all places. Bored at work.
- Remember this? - Yeah. I do.
I remember you kinda looked like fire hydrants.
- Remember the moves? - Do I remember the moves?
Just see if you can keep up. Come on.
" Crack that whip
" Give the past the slip
" Step on a crack
- Come on, honey. - Oh, no, no, no. Oh, look at you go.
- Let's whip it good. - Oh, gosh, no.
" When a problem comes along, you must whip it
" If the cream sits out too long, you must whip it
" When something's going wrong
" You must whip it
- " Now whip it - " Into shape
" It's not too late
" To whip it
" Whip it good
" When a good time turns around You must whip it
" You will never live it down Unless you whip it
" No one gets their way
- Good shot, Mom. - Good shot, Mom.
- OK, step out. Holy Toledo. - Huh?
What is going on?
Jen, our little sister has grown up and turned into a dance-club tramp.
Please. You should talk. You had your fun.
Yeah. That was fun, but I was never a size two, you traitor.
Hey, we would have won if we'd played horse.
Audrey, Henry, no video games until you clean up the den.
- Mom!
- Oh, honey. - Night, Mom. Night, Dad.
You're looking good out there.
Thanks, Dad. The coach said I can play in every game.
- That's great. - Good night, everybody.
No, the birthday girl should not be doing the dishes.
- I agree. - Yeah.
I'll go change my shirt and I'll come back and take over. OK?
OK.
You guys are such a Pottery Barn catalogue. How did that happen?
Woo!
It's like they've never seen a dress before.
Um... They just haven't seen half of a dress.
You know what you were saying about the Pottery Barn catalogue?
You know how you get there? You meet the nice guy,
you get married, and you get to experience...
The miracle of life.
- Oh. Oh. - Oops.
Well, I don't know why I bother talking to you two.
Hello in there. Will I be seeing you in four months?
Yes, I will. I hope you like potpourri.
Yes, I do. And I hope you like Tupperware parties.
And lots of flowers. Lots of...
It's true as well. I do, I love 'em.
I love flowers.
- " I wanna feel what love is - " I wanna know what love is
- " And I want you to show me - " I wanna feel it, I wanna feel what love is
- " I wanna feel what love is - " Ooh, baby
Thank you, guys.
All right, all right. Thank you.
That was great. Helen and Devon. That's enough.
Keep it down, I got neighbors.
I don't know any of them, but I got them.
- What are you wearing? - I don't know. Whatever they put on me.
You took these from the photo shoot?
You know you're not supposed to take the clothes you model.
Oh, right. So I guess I should take 'em off.
I'll help you.
- What is this? - Oh, bubble wrap.
The photographer wanted me to look more buff.
- Ooh. - You like that?
- Hey. - Mm.
" I am extraordinary
- All set, Ms Rosenthal. - Oh, finally.
Come on in. Thank you for waiting.
Any minute. Any minute.
Christopher, don't make me call for a pizza.
Any minute.
- Hey. - Hi.
- How are you?
Hi. What is this? Sunday brunch gridlock?
Oh, I know. They just keep on telling us, "Any minute now," like it's a mantra.
Can we wait like normal, patient adults?
- No. - Christopher. Hi.
- I would like a Bellini, please. - Bellini.
- Ooh, yes. Bellini. - Bellini. Bellini.
It's my sister.
Jenny, can I call you back?
- Jenny. - Acceptable guys at 12 o'clock.
Jenny, slow down. I can't hear you.
Are they looking at you or me?
What?
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, Jenny. - Helen, what's the matter?
- Look at Helen. - Jenny...
Helen, what happened?
Hello. What is it? Honey, what happened?
What?
Are you sure?
Jumped the center divide and he slammed into them. They didn't have time to react.
- That's what the police think, anyway. - I'm sorry, Ed.
I remember when they bought this house.
So what happens now with the kids?
- Oh, hey. - Do the kids have any grandparents?
Yes. Paul's parents came from Miami. They just barely made it today, so...
So sorry.
I'm so, so sorry about your aunt and uncle.
- Thank you. - Yeah, thank you.
Reverend Hallin spoke so beautifully.
Thanks again, sweetie.
I'm so sorry.
- So sorry for your loss, Jenny. - I know, sweetheart. I know.
It smells like Mommy in here.
Guys.
A lot of people are waiting to pay their respects.
I'm sure they'd appreciate it if you all came downstairs.
We are gonna get through this.
All right?
Hey, do you mind going to the market for me and getting some blue party napkins?
Now? I mean, can't we use something else?
Helen.
I've planned the funeral and I've...
I've made the food and taken responsibility for three very scared children.
All I'm asking you for is four packages of blue, three-ply dinner napkins
with a seashell design, so that people don't remember our sister and her husband
with paper toweling on their I... on their laps.
All right.
- Terribly sorry. - Thank you.
Hi, I'm Wanda from next door.
If you need anything, my phone number's on the casserole.
- Thank you. - And I'm Rudy from across the street.
I also wanted to pay my condolences. Everyone loved Lindsay and Paul.
All right. Come on through and give your brother a bounce pass.
There you go. Get it up. Yes!
Very good. OK. Now you give Sarah a bounce pass.
Come on, Sarah. Come on. Come on, sweetie.
"Section 5."
"Custody and care of the Davis children."
"An account and trust has been set up at Maplewood Savings Bank,
in the names of Audrey, Henry and Sarah Davis."
"This bank also holds the mortgage on the Davis property at 207, Oak Street."
Yes, Larry, and that mortgage is quite large. We do need to talk about that, also.
We will.
"With regard to custody of Audrey, Henry and Sarah,
we hereby appoint sole guardianship of all three children,
imbuing her with all legal rights and responsibilities that guardianship entails,
to Helen Harris."
What?
- What? - It's not a mistake.
I prepared this for them myself.
They were very clear. Helen Harris.
Jenny should have them.
I... She's got kids. I...
She's got the mom haircut. She's Supermom.
She left a letter for each of you explaining her decision.
You know I handled your mother's will.
Lindsay and Paul's was equally specific.
Good Lord, Lindsay.
Can I read yours?
Helen.
- Are there any contingencies? - Yes.
If Helen is either unable or unwilling to care for the children,
- then you, Jenny, are thusly appointed. - OK, finally, some reason.
Thank you.
God, why didn't you start with that?
Can you imagine Helen raising three kids?
When should I tell them?
As soon as possible.
- Are you sure? - Yep.
But we all thought...
Nope.
It's gonna be hard to take care of us if you're dead too.
This?
Won't kill me for years.
Who's gonna take me to school?
I guess I am.
- And make me chicken fingers? - Me.
- And give me a bath? - Me.
And check my nose boogies for infections?
We'll find someone else to do that last thing.
Come here.
All we gotta do is stick together.
Everything's gonna be OK.
Thanks for trying, Aunt Helen, but it's not gonna be OK.
Come on, Sarah. It's time for your bath. Come on, Henry.
Good idea. Great. Uh...
You guys do that, while Aunt Helen is gonna go out and check the lawn.
Is Aunt Helen older than you, Audrey?
Get farther down.
Is she playing hide-and-go-seek?
I don't think so.
We are in deep shit.
I love New York pizza.
Aunt Helen, can we go to the Statue of Liberty tomorrow?
No, because we won't be here...
- Where's Henry? - He said he'd be right back.
I go to the bathroom for five seconds, and he's gone?
- With mustard. Here it is. - I didn't want mustard.
- You don't want mustard? - No.
All right. No mustard.
- There he is. - Henry!
- OK? Who's gonna pay for this? - Aunt Helen.
- You can't do that. You can't just leave. - I hate pizza. I wanted a hot dog.
- Can you pay Aaron, please? - I'm Aaron.
Hi, Aaron. I like that he's making new friends. It's lovely.
Talk me up!
The next time you want something like a hot dog, you tell me, OK?
- And we'll all go together. - OK.
- Where are we going to dinner? - This is dinner.
Gee, Mommy never let pizza be our whole dinner.
And Dad always said not to eat and walk at the same time.
Well, they're not here to yell at us, so it doesn't matter.
How many beds do you have in your apartment, Aunt Helen?
- Aunt Helen!
- Audrey, your knee. - Stop!
Hey, guys. Shh!
I'm telling you, if we don't go to sleep right now,
Sleepless Sally gets really upset when the kids aren't going to sleep.
Where's Sarah? Sarah?
I'm right down here.
Henry's feet stink. Phew!
- But I'm a man. - Give Aunt Helen a whiff.
I don't want to smell your feet.
- Ew! I can smell them from here. - Ew!
Ew!
Henry!
You need to wash your feet not once a week.
Good night, all.
Audrey, get out of the bathroom.
Fire! Fire!
- Aunt Helen? - Hm?
Why are we going back? This was great. We should spend more time here.
- More time? - Yeah.
We can move here.
We can't sleep every night in a stinky-feet bed.
We'll move to another apartment. It's a huge city.
You'll be closer to your job and everything. You love your job.
- What about Henry and Sarah? - What about them?
They've got school. They have friends. You guys grew up in that neighborhood.
That's why. It's a sad neighborhood now.
Everywhere we go there, we think of Mom and Dad.
- The kids treat me differently. - We will discuss this later.
Please think about it, Aunt Helen.
OK, we got a train to catch. Let's go.
Henry, stop brushing your teeth. They're gonna fall out.
- I can't get Hippo in the bag. - Oh, give it to me.
OK.
There. He's in the bag. Are you happy now?
Henry!
Now, the only thing to do would be to tell Aunt Jenny.
Thinking about it, Audrey. I will think about it.
- Tell her we voted. - I'll think about it, Audrey.
I understand the children's feelings,
- but that's not part of the plan. - That's your plan, Jenny.
All right, well, what about the idea of not selling Lindsay's house?
I know you guys offered to pay the mortgage, but it's enormous.
I spoke to the bank, and the mortgage is too much for us.
All right. Besides being my idea, what's wrong with moving down the block?
I mean, I think the calm of the familiar is better
than the overwhelming hustle-bustle of the city.
Guys, can you please keep the coloring on the eggs and not each other?
Oh, no, no, no. No.
Jenny, Sarah thinks that Hippo's parents are on vacation. That they're coming back.
Henry walks around like a zombie and draws skeletons.
- Audrey is my only ally. - You really have to watch her.
Look, they're not happy. And they've told me themselves.
They're not gonna be happy anywhere right now.
OK, OK. Wait. Wait. Let us talk for a minute.
Wait till you see what the Easter Bunny brings. He's gonna bring lots more eggs.
The Easter Bunny's not coming. The Easter Bunny joined 50 Cent.
- Why are you being a brat? - You're a brat.
Helen is right. A change might do them some good.
And if it doesn't work out, they can always move back here to Jersey.
Ew, you got some in my hair.
- You know what? You know what? - Oh!
- Oh, no. - You're not very good at this, Aunt Helen.
- Stop it! - Irwin's after ya!
- Turtles carry... carry diseases. - Stop it. Sarah, please.
We have to find an apartment. We need to help Aunt Helen.
OK? By being quiet.
Stop it.
Stop.
No.
Chelsea. No.
You know, I hear there's some pretty decent stuff in Queens.
No. We are not bridge-and-tunnel people. We are Manhattan people.
Oh, wow.
Four bedrooms. Close to Central Park. The owner wants it rented quickly,
so he's asking what is very reasonable for a New York apartment.
Only nine thousand a month.
" I feel like an android living in a Polaroid
" Just another reject, it gets a little seasick
" Whose life am I in?
" Feels like deja vu, don't know what to do
" Point my finger to the sky and finally ask the question why
" Whose life am I in?
That's the girl looking at 4B.
- One bathroom. That's it? - Yeah, well,
I'll put you on a waiting list if a two opens up. And look at this - flower power, huh?
So I guess Audrey can have the back room
and Henry and Sarah can share the middle one and I'll just sleep on a pull-out couch.
Wow, graffiti.
Sure, there's plenty of room for a pull-out couch here. Look, you got a nice view.
So, the ad said something about a visual security system. How does that work?
When somebody buzzes, you stick your head out the window and you look down.
That's the visual part.
Then you yell for them to come up or not. That's the security part.
Here's your keys. Welcome to the Astoria Arms.
I am only available between 8:30 and nine in the morning because I have a life.
So...
home!
Yeah!
I ordered the pizza. It should be here in 30 minutes.
Yay!
Um...
Know what, I bet this is lead paint.
Guys. Guys, guys.
Don't chew on the windowsills, all right?
Yeah. Stick to the table legs, like I taught you.
OK, come on, guys. Let's go, let's go. Sometime today. Into the bedroom.
This window is also painted shut.
You know, I mean, for 1200 a month, you'd think you'd have windows that open.
- I want this bed. - Look, for the tenth time,
in the old house I had this bed and you had that bed.
- But I want this bed. - That's it! Hippo goes out the window.
- Followed by Irwin. - Guys!
Stop fighting. He pinches her all the time, and hard. It's hard.
Thank you.
- So, it's not that bad, right, Jen? - No.
- Hi. - I'm Nilma Prasad. I live across the hall.
Here's some samosas that we made for you.
So that would make you my neighbor. This is my neighbor,
my friendly neighbor, Jenny. Nilma, I'm Helen.
- No, I'm Nilma. - I'm Helen. That's Jenny.
I snagged this one in the hallway, screaming.
- It's OK, Flora. Mr Costello's deaf. - I'm not.
So I see you have kids too, so maybe a play date sometime?
Oh! Oh, my goodness, that would be wonderful.
Great.
- I'm Jenny, Helen's sister. - Hello.
- Can I ask you a special favor? - Yes.
- Helen is new at being a mom. - Uh-oh.
- Exactly. - These aren't her kids?
- Our sister passed. - Oh, I'm so sorry. Bless her.
- So, Nilma, if you could from time to time... - Oh, absolutely.
- And if they... - Which they will, no?
- You could... - No problem.
- That's all I'm asking. - OK, say no more, please.
- Thank you so much. - OK, no problem.
- Just mommy talk. - Oh, right.
So, Helen, where have you decided to send the kids to school?
Got it covered.
It's just middle school and you'll both have to be separated,
- all three of you. - No.
I vote against separation.
You know, maybe we should find a school with less policemen everywhere.
Audrey. Hi. Let's go.
Come on, guys. This cab's gonna be about $100.
- That girl is fine. - Hi. Yeah, she's pretty.
Nice, Audrey. Thanks for making my life a lot easier.
I don't like school, anyway.
I mean, I'll just drop out and get a job.
I like school. I wanna go to school. I want to.
Aunt Helen, you promised you'd find us a school.
Oh, God, help me.
Slow down. Stop.
That was fast. Kids.
Lisa, stop dragging your sweater.
" This little light of mine
" I'm gonna let it shine
" Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine
" This little light of mine
" I'm gonna let it shine
" This little light of mine
" I'm gonna let it shine
" This little light of mine
" I'm gonna let it shine
" Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine
" Let it shine
I mean, Lutheranism has been in our family for as long as
Lutheran people have been around.
Being a Lutheran is the greatest. I mean, right, kids?
Hippo wants to be a Lutheran, too.
Hippo is a Lutheran.
I knew that God told us to move here so that we could attend your fine school.
A good, solid education taught our Lutheran way is the best way.
- I mean, isn't that right, Father? - Pastor.
- Father Pastor. - Pastor Parker.
Right.
Thank you for that fine testimonial.
Hallelujah.
Well. I'm just gonna need the kids' transcripts and blood tests and they're in.
- Blood tests? - Make sure they're really Lutheran.
You'd be surprised how many non-Lutherans try to sneak in.
I'm sure. Um, problem.
They're all hemophiliacs.
All three of them. Can't take blood.
- Shh. They're sensitive. - It's a joke.
Why would I joke about hemophilia?
There's no blood test. That's the joke.
Oh.
You don't have to be Lutheran to go here. It's Queens.
There's, like, 50 Lutheran kids in the whole neighborhood.
Shall we take a look around?
So we have space available. Can you handle the tuition?
- Not a problem. - Tetherball!
Oh, yay!
Henry, we have basketball courts, gym down there.
- Saint Barbara's believes in basketball. - Oh.
So what's the Lutheran take on the afterlife?
Pretty much the standard heaven, hell, purgatory thing?
- Pretty much. Old school around here. - You wanna go see the basketball courts?
- No, I'm gonna go play tetherball. - OK. Play hard.
OK.
Pastor Dan.
Hello.
Excuse me.
Mrs Fricker, I know what you got there.
- I made you some special brownies. - Wow. You, uh... I'm gonna...
- He gets a lot of brownies. - I see that.
Mm. Better than last time.
- Hi, I'm Phyllis Shore. - Helen Harris.
- This is my daughter Lisa. - Hi, Lisa.
- Will you be joining us at Saint Barbara's? - I hope so.
- Thank you. I'll see you Sunday. - OK. Bye-bye.
- See you Sunday night at vespers. - See you at vespers.
See you at vespers.
You know what vespers is?
Some kind of scooter?
Close enough.
We got ten minutes. You don't want to be late for your first day of school.
Audrey.
- Please get out of the bathroom. - I'm not in there.
Can't do it. I don't remember how.
Sweetie.
- I don't remember how. - What's the matter?
- Your shoes? Here, let me help you. - No! No!
Sarah, sweetheart, we have to go to school.
- OK? Let me help you. - No! That's not how. You don't know how.
Sweetheart, are you nervous about today? I mean, it's a big day at school.
Mom was teaching her how to tie her shoelaces just before.
Oh.
Right.
And I guess she had a special way of tying them.
Well, your mom and I were probably taught the same way.
Let me think. Something about...
Bunnies.
Right.
Bunny ears.
You make two bunny ears,
bunny goes around the tree,
into the burrow,
pull tight.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Hurry up, hurry up. - When will you be home from work?
By dinnertime. Audrey's in charge, though, so listen to her, OK?
I don't wanna listen to her.
- Pastor Dan. - Pastor Dan.
- Well, it's the four Lutherans. - Here we are.
Here you are.
Pastor Wells, would you please show Henry and Audrey to the home room?
Sure.
- Hello, Audrey. - Bye.
- Bye. Pay attention! Sit up straight! - Good morning.
Wait, what about lunch?
- Eat it, it's healthy. - I meant, we don't have any.
Oh! Right. I'll take care of it.
Bye.
- Can you break a 20? - Always got change in the collection plate.
- And kindergarten? - Right over here.
Oh, wow, look. It's a juggling pastor, Sarah.
Hello, welcome. Mrs LaGambina.
- Helen Harris. This is Sarah. - Hello, Sarah.
Look at all this fun stuff. You've got markers and crayons,
coloring books, and all the nice people. Hi. You're gonna have such a good time.
We were all drawing our favorite animal. Lily was drawing a cat.
Sarah, do you want some crayons?
Oh, no, not those. Those are the teacher's markers.
Better put your sweater on, it's chilly outside.
OK, that was funny. Sorry, Sarah.
- You could've just told me. - More fun this way.
- Who's this? - Hippo.
Everybody, meet Hippo.
All right, all right, all right. Enough. Come on, let's get started.
Hi, Lacey. Hey.
Helen.
- I told you I'd make it back. - Good. Sit down, sweetie.
- Who's that? - That's the intern.
Move over, intern. Caitlin, move.
OK, good.
Now, what about the Armani deal? Is that gonna be completed in my lifetime?
Tom made it happen this morning, and you're all set for your trip to Miami.
Good. You're gonna love it there.
- Me? - Well, yes. You're back, I need you.
Dominique, I... I can't just pick up and leave for a week right now.
- Why? - I have...
Oh.
The babies. Oh.
All right, who wants to take this mummy's place on a first-class trip to Miami?
Caitlin. You're on. Helen will tell you what to bring.
Don't wear any of those midriff-baring outfits. It's so last year.
And I want my luggage Federal Expressed ahead of time.
Right, that's it. Lacey, who am I having lunch with today?
- Was it Vogue, or Elle, or...? - Vogue at Cipriani.
OK. Good.
Good to have you back, sweetie.
We'll go over everything else at the fashion show tonight.
Tonight?
Unless, of course, you've got a Brownie meeting or something.
Oh, no, no, no. I'll be there.
- Good. - OK.
- Hola! - Sweetheart, over here.
- Hi. - Who's your date?
- His name is Pate. - Big smile.
Thank you. Please take your seats. The show's about to begin.
That's Martina, the supermodel, sitting next to Dominique.
Who are the ladies on the end?
Those are the agents we're trying to steal her from.
Hello. You have a lovely agency. Yes.
I think we should have lunch.
Take the houselights out and go Cue One.
- Hi, Teddy. - Hi. Kids, don't touch the runway lights.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Thanks.
- Hey, hi. - Front row seats!
- What's all this? - There's no room.
Can you squash down just a little bit more?
- Don't these children live in Queens? - I know.
I know. I couldn't find anybody to watch them.
But don't worry, you won't even know they're here. I'm here to work.
This child's wearing pajamas.
Aunt Helen, I'm hungry.
- You should've eaten your hamburger. - It had onions.
OK. Take care of her a sec. I'll be right back.
- Keep an eye on her. - You're going?
Keep an eye on Sarah.
Hey, partner.
- Working on your lingerie merit badge? - I'm a buyer from Victoria's Secret.
You're with Helen and you should go back to your seat. Yeah. Go for Teddy.
Does my nose boogie look green?
Yes, as a matter of fact, it does.
Sort of Prada green. Not their best collection. Put it back inside.
- Ooh, look, a doggy! - Yes. Watch the lovely doggy.
Hello, doggy.
- Oh, my... - Come here, doggy.
Oh!
Are you all right? Model down. I repeat, we have a model down.
Oh, no. Sarah, what are you doing? Are you OK?
- What happened? - Everything's OK.
All set. The limo's downstairs.
- Martina. Welcome to our agency. - Thanks. I'm so excited.
You can be effusive on the way in the limo. Go on, off you go.
So we should be to Coney Island in about an hour.
Excuse me. This is Helen.
- Hi, it's Dan. - Dan. What's wrong?
Nothing is wrong. We just have a little situation with Sarah down here.
- I think you should come to the school. - Come there now?
It's a little difficult to get to school right now. I'm working. Is she OK?
Helen.
Give me the phone.
Yeah. Hi.
We'll be right there. OK.
- Are you sure? - No problem. We have plenty of time.
I know how it is. I have a four-year-old.
Then I couldn't find the burrow for the bunny.
- I hate it when that happens. - Me too.
- You guys wanna do my makeup? - Yeah.
- Can I be a princess? - Yeah. You're pretty.
OK.
Sarah, you don't have to learn to tie your shoes right now.
When you're ready to tie your shoes, you will.
That's right. Shoe-tying's tough. Why do you think Jesus wore sandals?
- See ya. - Thanks, Pastor Dan.
- Do I look pretty? - Yeah.
So, you wanna go play? Everything's gonna be fine.
A little bit of green up here.
Stop!
Are those permanent?
It's OK, it happens to me all the time. It'll come off in a couple of days.
Sorry, Helen.
It's not working.
I understand.
I'm sorry, Dominique.
Thank you so much for everything.
I'll collect my things.
Hey! Stop that racket.
Are you all right, Aunt Helen? You've been watching reruns all day.
Reruns are the culture of the unemployed.
Hey, I'll get it. I have no life.
Cable guy.
It's the Exorcist.
- Hi. - Hi.
Sorry about Martina.
So I brought you comfort food - Chunky Monkey.
- Would you like to come in? - Pastor Dan.
Hey, kids.
How did he get past the visual security system?
- Who cares? Now we can watch MTV. - Yeah.
It's funny how one moment I'm living my life
not really in touch with the fact that I'm sharing this planet with permanent pens,
and the next moment one such pen has made, shall we say,
an indelible impact on my career.
- Hey, Helen. - A black mark on my record,
X-ed out my future...
- Helen. ...and, in short, my career is dead.
Like your turtle.
- What? - Turtle's dead.
Oh, no.
Oh, Irwin, no.
May he rest in peace...
Shut up. You don't understand. This is Henry's turtle. It's his friend.
He's...
He can't be dead.
Oh, he's dead.
We need to find a body double now.
Here.
What about the empty bowl?
I'll hide it.
Ki... Kids!
We're gonna go get butterscotch and chocolate syrup for the ice cream.
You stay put and watch television.
And don't come in the kitchen, I just waxed the floors.
- Irwin's long-lost brother. - Yeah.
Thanks for doing this. You're my savior.
- I mean... - I know what you mean.
So, how are things going?
- Fine. - Hm?
- Fine. - Just fine?
- Yeah. What do you mean? - Well, it's just that
I've noticed Audrey spending too much time with the boys.
You know, that's normal for what she's going through, to look for that attention,
but some of these kids are not exactly angels, you know what I mean?
They're 15. It's teenage stuff. It's harmless.
No, it's not really harmless, cos one of these punks - his name's BZ -
I'm about to kick his butt outta school.
Let's just get upstairs before Henry finds the bowl.
Yeah, Henry. You said the kid likes basketball. He never ever picks up a ball.
I know. I've noticed that.
The thing with Sarah and the shoes the other day, that's not the first time...
Hey, what do you expect, Dan?
They've lost their parents, moved to a new city, changed schools, changed religions.
Well, let's talk about some things you could do at home.
You wanna know what I've been doing at home?
I've been doing the best I can.
Do you have any idea what this has done to my life?
Hey, Helen, do you have any idea what it's done to theirs?
Hey, Pastor Dan, Mr Self-righteous, I'm hanging on by a thread here.
I lost my sister, my social life, my disposable income,
my ability to fit into a size two and - this just in - my job.
Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits
and the few pounds that have recently taken up residence on my ass.
So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured, in Queens,
about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids
who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.
They weren't given to you, they were entrusted to you by their mother, who...
Don't you talk about Lindsay.
Don't you dare talk about Lindsay. You didn't know her.
- Gimme the turtle. - That was outta line. I'm sorry.
Dan, give me the damn turtle.
Helen...
Helen.
Hey, Helen.
Dominique's is quite an impressive background. But three children?
They're great kids. They pretty much take care of themselves.
We love children. We're thinking about adopting.
But there'd be a lot of traveling involved and very little notice.
I love traveling.
But would they be long trips?
But I'm not on the mommy track.
We'll be in touch.
Irwin, you're not looking yourself.
OK, Sarah's asleep. Go to bed now and make sure if she needs anything,
you can get it for her.
- I see no party. There is no party. - That's right.
Yeah. Hi.
Hi.
Hey, everyone, this is my aunt Helen.
She don't look like no aunt I ever had.
What are you...? What is this? What is this?
I thought you wanted to meet my friends.
This is BZ. He's a DJ. This is his mix.
Whassup, Mommy?
Whassup?
You got a phat crib.
- Thank you.
There's my phone ringing in my phat crib.
Hello.
I'm calling to remind you to come over for Mother's Day.
Jenny, do you think that's still such a good idea? I mean, I don't know if the kids are...
It'll be fine. And we're still gonna do the letter thing?
Sure. I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
- What's that noise? - Audrey has company.
On a school night? You better make them leave.
- What do I say? - You say, "Go home."
- OK, but what if they ask why? - You say, "Because I said so."
Hi. Can we turn the music down?
Hey, guys. Let's turn the music down a little bit.
Please. Thank you.
This "crib" is closing.
And I think it's time for all y'all to go.
Why?
Because I said so.
I'll tell you what, we'll be gone before you know it.
- Bianca. - All right.
Jenny, I don't know if they're quite ready to go home just yet.
Helen, get Nilma, now.
OK. I'm ready.
Helen said wrap it up. You get out of here, you ugly little...
Bimbo girl.
What do you think this is? And you, falling asleep. You get out.
Party's over. Elevator leaving. Hey, you. This is not a slumber party.
Get out. Get out, you. Get out, snoop doggies.
- You, get out of here. - No.
- I said, "Get out." - Chill out, Miss Rambo.
- I'm trying to get my stuff. - Get out, little hooligan. Get out.
- Yo, BZ, let's get outta here. - Great party.
Baggy-pant little diaper boy, go home to mama.
I'm serious. You get out of here.
I said go! Get out of here.
Back home with your baggy pants and your diapers.
Go home, naughty boy.
Good night, Helen.
What is the matter with you?
Don't you remember what it's like to be young?
Of course I remember.
It was last Wednesday.
Hi.
Can I ask you a question?
What was Lindsay thinking?
So listen, don't worry about it. They'll appreciate it when they're older.
I know. I just hate being hated.
I love it.
- I don't have that relationship... - You do.
You know, you can tell me all your problems, really. I'm a solver.
I once got an axle-grease stain out of silk.
OK, solver, can you find me a job close to home with decent pay?
And a dental plan for the cavity triplets?
My husband Ravi.
Do you know where I can find a Ravi Prasad?
Yeah, he's inside.
You'll see, we're like one big family here.
Now, the owner, Mr Massey, nice guy, very fair, but he's picky about who he hires.
Hey, Ralphy, any takers on that lime-green baby?
You wise guy.
- I still got five bucks says you'll sell it. - You're on.
We got... We got stuck with this lime-green Lincoln. Been here for months.
Mr Massey's offering a ham to the first person who can sell it.
- A ham? - Oh, yeah.
Guys are big on free meats round here.
Now, listen. Mr Massey's a little nervous.
He acted in his first on-camera TV commercial today.
And see me, Mickey Massey, a name you can trust.
Uh... Yeah, I forgot to point.
You want a deal on a previously owned car? Well, come... Charlie! Charlie!
It's me. Yeah. Commercial.
You want a deal on a previously owned car? Come to Massey Motors...
Come in.
Thank you.
Yeah, I pointed the wrong way again.
- Hi, I'm Helen. - Sit. I'll be with ya in a second. Just sit.
Remember: Massey means trust.
- What'd you think of that? - I believe it.
Don't. Massey doesn't mean trust. It means hillside in French.
I can't do dishonest.
Ravi, we're reshooting that commercial.
Honest. We need an honest commercial, Ravi. All right?
- I'm sorry. Ms Helen Harris. OK. - Yes.
- How long did you work as a secretary? - Actually, I wasn't a secretary.
As it states right there, I was an executive assistant to Dominique Courier,
and I had a promise of promotion to agent.
OK.
You seem like a nice girl, Helen. And you're a friend of Ravi and Nilma's.
All right, we're looking for a receptionist.
The pay is 17.50 an hour, the hours are nine to five.
So, how does that suit you, hm?
I always thought I could have a career in used cars one day.
We don't sell used cars. Previously owned or prior-owned cars.
Prior-owned.
Now, you just have to pass one little test, OK?
Ravi to Parts.
Ravi to Parts. Ravi to Parts.
Ralphy to the showroom.
Yeah?
Helen to Payroll.
Hello.
She made the cover! I know this girl. I know her.
- She looks beautiful. - So how many copies d'you want?
None.
Good. Get your hands washed, guys. Hey, you, look, look, look. Hello, hello.
- Hello, sweetie. Happy Mother's Day. - Happy Mother's Day.
- You. - Aunt Jenny, hey.
Oh, gosh. Everybody, please sit down. All right. We're going to eat right away.
So, um, did you remember to bring your letter?
- Oh, of course I did. - Mm-hm. Oh.
- Not until you show me yours. - Well, why don't we just do it after dinner?
- Stay!
What happened with the train? Was there a delay?
No, no. Audrey was making samosas at Nilma's, so we caught the next train.
Mm-hm. Just one?
Well, they were hungry so they ate them on the way.
Can I help you with something, Jenny?
You know what? I've got everything organized.
Ooh. Ooh.
Sweetie, what did Mommy say about kicking when she's having a conversation?
You need to wait until she's finished.
Thank you very much.
Did you just boss around the unborn?
It's never too early to start learning manners.
OK, kids. We're ready.
Whoa!
Wow!
- Oh, my gosh. - Look at that. Hey, guys.
- Holy cow. - Yeah.
- Oliver, did you wash your hands? - Yes, Mom.
Everything tastes great, honey. You shouldn't have to cook on Mother's Day.
You know I don't mind. Being a mom is the greatest job on earth.
I know your mom felt that way.
- Jenny. - What?
We all love her. We miss her. We can mention her. Can't we?
I don't like to.
Me neither.
You know, would you kids like to talk about what you've been reading?
- Harry Potter. - Harry Potter.
- Stuff by Shank 54. - Huh.
- That sounds interesting. Who's that? - He writes poems.
On the side of our building. With spray paint at four in the morning.
Sometimes I help when I can't sleep
because Aunt Helen's on a date or Audrey's on the Internet talking dirty
or Sarah's crying because we forgot to feed her again.
Henry.
What?
Jenny, no.
Henry, what are you talking about? Is this some kind of joke?
I don't know why you keep saying things like this.
It's not funny.
- I thought it was funny. - Thank you.
Henry was making all of that up, Jenny. Jenny, what are you doing?
"When a problem comes along you must whip it. Before the cream..."
- Jenny, give me my letter. - That's it?
That's all she left behind to explain why she chose you?
- The lyrics to "Whip lt"? - It makes sense to me.
What is it with you two and that song? It's ridiculous. I don't get it.
- Exactly! - What are you saying?
That that's the point? I'm no fun? That I don't get things? That I never make jokes?
Show me your letter.
No.
No? No? What do you mean "no"?
We said you would read my letter and I would read yours.
This is not a letter.
These are lyrics. Nonsensical lyrics. This is not a letter.
If this was a letter, you could read my letter, but this is not a letter.
Not a letter?
What?
You are a smug,
bitter, colossal bitch.
OK. Guys.
I think this is a good time to take Origami for a walk.
No, we'll miss the fight.
If you're finished, I think I'd like to serve dessert.
You don't wanna help me, you just wanna judge me.
Let's all go into the living room and listen to Jasmine play the piano with one arm.
You just wanna prove that you're a better mother than me, that Lindsay was wrong.
Why would I need to prove that? Of course I'm a better mother than you.
I've been doing it forever. But does that matter? No. She still chose you over me.
Exactly. She chose, Jenny. Not me. I had no control over it.
You're angry with me because of a decision that she made for me.
" Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is...
I am giving up everything for these kids, and you have no idea what that's like.
I don't know what it's like? How do you think I got this way?
Whatever this way is that's so particularly unfun and funny.
- Who changed your diapers? - Don't start with that.
Mom died when I was seven.
- Who fed you? Who baby-sat you? - Lindsay was there, too.
Lindsay was in New York trying to be a dancer
and I was at home not having a normal childhood
cos I was too busy being your mommy.
And you're Tra-La-La Helen.
So... free.
Miss Party-Party-All-Night-Long and I never ever got to feel like that, ever.
Not once.
I don't wanna fight any more.
Happy Mother's Day.
42 - foul.
- Flagrant. - One minute left.
Maybe I can come see you DJ sometime.
I don't know, Miss Audrey. I'm not spinning no kids' birthday parties, you know?
- You got a fake ID? - Course.
Nurse Wilson says he's OK.
When's Henry gonna play, Aunt Helen?
Uh...
Hey, Coach. This isn't the NBA Finals.
What happens to "everybody plays"? Why don't you put Henry in?
3, 2, 1.
And Saint Barbara's wins.
- Excuse me. - Yes?
- Hi. Excuse me. What is your problem? - Aunt Helen, please.
I know, I... He could be one of your best players.
He doesn't wanna play so you need to square that away with him.
- You're the coach. - Just forget about it.
I'm gonna go change.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you, Dan, but I've been battling with the kids,
I'm fighting with my sister and we're too stubborn to talk to each other.
I guess I'm just edgy.
Hey, nobody ever said it was gonna be easy. Right?
Yeah, try doing it on your own.
We got a lot of people around here who do.
Matt Higgins' mom, she took a pay cut, she works out of her house.
And Tommy Meyers' dad is with the kids all day long, then he works at night.
I mean, it's tough, but it can be done.
- Hey, you know what you need? - A nanny. But I can't afford one.
You need some fun. I'm just the man to provide it.
What are you doing on Sunday?
- Going to church, of course. - Yeah, right.
Nice try.
- You and the kids. Sunday afternoon. - What do you have in mind?
Today we're at the Central Park Zoo, where every spring a prayer is said,
blessing the animals and the newborn babies.
Pastor.
Dear Lord, we humbly ask that you bless these animals
and all your creatures throughout the world.
Blessed are you, Lord. Amen.
OK, who wants a private tour of the zoo, huh?
- Yeah! - Yeah! All right, Pastor Dan.
" I do believe it
" I do believe it's true
" Mm-hm-hm
" Whoa-oh
" Mm-hm-hm
" It's a light and tumble journey
" From the east side to the park
" Just a fine and fancy ramble to the zoo
" But you can take a crosstown bus if it's raining or it's cold
" And the animals will love it if you do
" If you do
" Something tells me it's all happening at the zoo.
- We had a really great time. - I did too. I'm glad you guys came.
- Thanks again, Pastor Dan. - Sure.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Thank you, Pastor Dan. Loved the sea lions.
Henry, give that back to her. Don't do that. That's not nice.
- He is so bad sometimes. - They're cute, though.
Listen, I'm not very good at this, so I'm just gonna ask.
You wanna go out with me sometime?
- What? - You and me, on a date.
Oh, no. I made you abandon your vows?
I know you think that I'm probably worth it, and I'm not. Go back to God.
I can't be responsible for this.
Hey, Helen. I'm a pastor. I'm a Lutheran minister. I can date.
I can get married, have kids, watch dirty movies.
- Really? - Yeah.
OK, I can't watch dirty movies, but we're pushing for it, so, you know.
- What d'you say? - I'm really flattered, Dan, but I...
I can't.
I'm sorry. I had a great day, though, today.
OK.
- Pastor Dan just asked me out. - That is so weird.
I can hear ya. I'm still right here, OK? Go... go inside and do that.
Way to go, Pastor Dan.
The guy on stilts was a great gimmick. It beats balloons and bunting.
Thank you so much.
There are a couple of customers wandering outside. Focus the wanderers.
Sales associate to the parking lot, please.
Sales associate to the parking lot.
Sales associate?
Leo. The guy on stilts is looking down my shirt.
Hey! Mini-Me. Watch I don't break your kneecaps.
Think you can reach them?
Hi. Helen Harris. Welcome to Massey Motors.
- Leo Dileo. - Pleasure.
- Ahem! - And that's Rene DeCarlo.
- Hi, Rene. - Hi.
All right, Leo, let's see if we can find you something you like. Follow me.
- You know, I bought a lot of used cars... - Previously owned.
We got a nice silver Volvo over there. It's a great family car. I mean, if you have family.
- Just a rich bachelor. - That's what I thought.
You don't want this one. Oh, wow.
I forgot we had this baby.
I think I know why. It looks like a jukebox.
Only a handful of these were made. Earmarked for special customers only.
Like in the old days when guys like Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra
used to special-order their cars right from the factory.
- You're kidding. - Sir, three things we don't joke about:
Elvis, Sinatra and Lincolns.
But, like I said, for special customers only.
Honey, I own every hot-dog stand in Rockaway.
Not the beach, but, still, I can afford to pay well over sticker for this. And cash.
It's getting a little windy. Are you sure it's all right?
- Yeah, it's OK. - OK. You sure?
You want a deal on a previously owned car? Then come to Massey Motors,
where you can see me, Mickey Massey. It's a...
- Mickey, Mickey. - You're not gonna believe it. She sold it.
Bye, Leo. Drive safely.
She gets a ham.
Yes, I did.
Hey, kids. I'm home.
- Do we have mustard? - I don't know. Why?
Because we got ham.
I sold a car.
- Yay, Aunt Helen! - Go long, Henry, go long.
- And she takes him down. - You got that pigskin down.
I don't know.
OK.
Hey. What's up?
Hippo's mommy and daddy are still on vacation.
We're gonna go slice the ham.
- I'm the man, I should slice the ham. - You're no man.
- They've been gone a long time. - That's because they went really far away.
Where did they go?
Honey?
Sarah, where did they go?
Heaven.
That's right, sweetie.
That's right.
And now there's no one to give him a birthday party.
- When's Hippo's birthday? - Now.
Now?
Say "Hippo."
Hippo.
- It's a keeper. - Great.
Vince, thanks again for doing this on such short notice.
You're sure hanging out with a new crowd these days.
Yeah, well, tonight is a very special night. You see, it's Hippo's...
Excuse me, the VIPs. Excuse me.
Hey, Vince. We're here to celebrate. Devon just got the new Polo campaign.
Yeah, he's the Ralph Lauren underwear guy.
Congratulations.
Hey, Devon. Congrats.
- Are you ready for your dessert? - Yes, please.
- Can I get you coffee or tea? - Ooh, can I get a cappuccino, please?
- Decaf. And I'll have a real one. - OK.
And I'll have a Singapore Sling.
Hey, Jerome. Excuse me, Jerome.
Hi. Do you think you could sing "Happy Birthday"?
- Who's the birthday kid? - Actually, it's Hippo's birthday.
- You want me to sing to a Hippo? - Yeah.
- I'll take care of it. - Thank you.
All right. What do we got? Skulls.
Another round of double-cherry Shirley Temples.
Oh, no, no. At 12.50 a pop, I don't think so.
And this is for you, Helen. Compliments of the gentleman right over there.
Thank you.
- OK, here we go. - Oh, wow.
For the hippo.
Happy birthday
to you
Aw, yeah. Happy birthday to you
Hip-pa-pa-Hip-pa-pa-Hippo
Happy
Birthday
to
you
Yay!
- Yay. Blow out the candle. - Yay!
- Wait! Nilma! - Everybody get in the car.
- Wait. I forgot the money for their lunch. - No, no. I packed lunch. I packed lunch.
If they wanna buy a book or something...
You relax. You're a free woman. Go and have fun.
We should be back at five o'clock from the museum.
Have fun.
Hi, Helen. You wanna play some dominoes with me and Artie over sandwiches?
Oh, no. I got so much I have to do. Thank you.
Well, maybe another time.
- Helen. - Hey.
I'm... I'm fine. I was just, um...
Trying to see if you had the nerve to drop in on me, after you gave me the Heisman?
- What? - Heisman. Whoa, back off.
Oh. I know, but...
- Are you free? - What?
- Are you free? - No. Actually, I'm not.
Got a lunch date.
You can come with me, though.
Pastor Dan, the holy goalie, just checked Father Rodriguez.
We have a guest referee with us today, ladies and gentlemen.
He's a ten-year veteran of the Ice Capades.
Mr Scotty Buttons.
We got your back.
Score is still six to six.
Goal by Rabbi Levine.
Yeah!
Join us next week when the Clergy of the Cloth take on the Storming Mormons.
There were literally four people living in a shoebox apartment
cos they couldn't make the rent. It's so expensive. It's ridiculous.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I had a really wonderful time.
Dan.
I'm sorry. It's a little weird, don't you think?
What? Because I'm a pastor?
Well, you know, I usually get the freaky women who are turned on by it
or the guilt-ridden ones who can't get over it.
You don't think I'm sexy?
- Cos I'm not a party-hopping kinda guy? - I didn't say that.
Stop it.
Let me tell you something.
I got news for you, little lady.
I'm sexy.
Yeah. I'm a sexy man of God,
and I know it.
Hold it.
Now, that was kinda sexy.
Um, Nilma,
have you met the principal of our school?
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
- I gotta go. Thank you. - Yeah. Thank you.
So, uh... I guess we're all getting As.
- Yeah! - All right, OK.
Go, Helen! Go, Helen!
" I'm a fool for you, baby A fool for your love
" I'm just a fool for you, baby There's something about us
" I'm just a fool for you, baby
" And nothing's gonna change
" And maybe it's my sweetest pain
" My sweetest pain
" Fool for you, baby It's driving me nuts
" Uh-uh-uh-uh
" Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh
- It's really not that big of a deal, Dan. - Hey, she was caught making out with BZ.
- OK, not so good. - While cutting class.
- Also not so good. - In a balcony in my church.
How can I come down on her
for something we were caught doing a few days ago?
Because you're the adult and she's the child.
She's gotta know you're serious. Kids need boundaries. You know that.
But, Aunt Helen, it's a big deal that a senior asked me to the prom.
I mean, what do you want me to do? Find another senior?
Yes.
Audrey, I wanna treat you like an adult, but I do not want you to go to the prom with BZ.
If you go with him, I'll be very disappointed.
- OK. - OK.
- So, will you help me find a dress? - Yes, I'll find you a dress.
OK.
- In the balcony of the church? - Seemed like a good idea at the time.
- You are so going to hell. - Hey.
Spider.
OK. Cradle.
All right, guys. Shoot.
Whoo!
OK. Hit the showers.
Henry, pick up the balls.
Hey. Gimme one of those.
Come on.
Let's go. Take a shot.
Come on. You gotta get fired up for your game.
I am. Can't you tell?
Yahoo.
Oh, Henry.
OK. Henry?
Let's talk.
You used to love to play sports.
Sit down.
You and your dad used to play basketball till it was too dark to even see the hoop.
Even when I missed, he'd always count it.
He called it "Giving me the benefit of the dark."
- It's OK to smile about it. - No, it's not.
- And it's OK to play sports. - No.
- Why? - Because he can't play any more.
Because everyone kept saying Mom and Dad are up in heaven
and they're looking down on us always.
Well, if he is, I'm not gonna make him feel bad about not playing.
Like if you're having a good time without him, you're rubbing it in?
Yeah.
Henry. The only thing sadder than them not being here
is knowing that by not being here, you're not doing what you love.
- They want you to be happy. - But then it's like I'm just forgetting them.
No, it's not.
No.
Cos every time you smile,
or laugh,
or enjoy your life,
it makes their dreams come true.
Besides, if they are looking down,
you really want them to be stuck watching a lousy game?
No. My dad hates a lousy game.
Come on.
Yeah!
Yes. I am the senior-class treasurer. And I just...
I want to say that I'm very honored to be taking Audrey to my prom tonight.
I want you to know that.
Thank you.
Breathe.
Hey. Take a look. I got a wig on.
I'm gonna come out now.
How do I look?
You look just like your mother.
Thank you, Peter.
- OK. We're gonna go. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I wanna... We have to have a picture.
OK, get closer. Smile.
All right, welcome to the senior prom - Bridges of Friendship.
Coming up next: ladies' choice.
I hear there's actually some punch in the vodka.
Guys, your choice later.
- Who is it? - Prom king.
Hey, I thought we could have our own little prom. Where's the little kids at?
They're sleeping.
Doesn't the principal have to police the prom?
Don't worry. LaGambina's looking out for Audrey.
What is this?
" Down here the river
" Meets the sea
" And in the sticky heat I feel you
" Open up to me
" Love comes...
- I should get it. - OK.
Hello.
What?
Uh... What? I-I'm sorry.
Can you hear me now? Yes. This is Mrs LaGambina.
Yeah, hi. I don't mean to worry you, but Audrey's not here.
She arrived with Peter, but she seems to have gone off with BZ.
I understand. Thank you for calling.
Dan. That was the school. Audrey left the prom with BZ.
And they overheard some kids saying BZ was bragging about taking her to a motel.
- What motel? - They wouldn't say.
OK. They're gonna tell me. Just come here.
- I just... It's just that I knew it. - Don't worry.
I'll call you from the prom. Don't worry.
Audrey.
Ed, do you know that a lot of celebrities are knitting now? Isn't that interesting?
- Wow.
- Hello. - Ed. It's Helen.
I need Jenny.
It's Helen.
Really?
Hello?
- Hey. - What have you found out?
Thank you.
- So what do you know? - Nothing yet.
Dan's at the gym, trying to see if he can get something out of BZ's friends.
No. Thank you for your time.
Jenny, we have called over 20 motels. BZ has a car, he could be anywhere.
They could be in the middle of Ronkonkoma for all we know.
- Did you let her have a credit card? - No.
OK. What about your credit cards? Check your wallet.
I'm having a banana.
- My Visa's gone. - OK.
I'm gonna call Visa and check your recent activity. If she's used it, they'll know where.
- Quite the detective. - No, I'm a mom.
- I need your help, Nilma. - Let me at 'em.
No, no. Could you watch Henry and Sarah, please? I'll explain later.
Ravi, just watch the kids. I'm going to help Helen again, OK?
Look, if you don't tell me, I'm gonna suspend your asses so long,
you're gonna be getting social security when you graduate.
Where are they?
Jenny, I'm sorry you had to come all the way out.
It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.
- Audrey? - Helen. I know where they are.
Dan. So do we. We're halfway there.
OK. I'll meet you.
No, no. This is something I have to do by myself.
- I should come with you. - Dan, please. Pretty...
Hello?
We're getting closer. It's just down the street.
There it is.
- I don't know. I don't know, lady. - Gimme the key.
Look, there's laws against these things.
There's laws against renting rooms to minors. Now gimme the key.
- I don't want any trouble, now. - Gimme the key.
- I need that key back. Don't forget it. - What? Do you think I wanna live here?
I'd rather sleep in a field, you crazy man. Come on.
- Now, he said they're in 205, OK? - OK.
- You gotta go in there both guns blazing. - I know.
- Rip 'em a new one, OK? - I know. I got it.
- Take charge and get her outta there. - OK.
OK, so just say "housekeeping" or something, get the door open.
I can't do it.
What?
I can't do this. I can't go in there. She's gonna hate me.
- She's gonna hate you if you don't. - I can't do it.
Jenny, I'm not you, OK? I can't do it.
Please, just...
Please.
OK. OK.
- Housekeeping. - We're already asleep.
Could you come back in the morning, please?
Aunt Jenny. What are you doing here? How did you find...
You have ten seconds to get your things together and get in the car.
Stay. Ten...
You're not my mother, if you haven't noticed.
No. But I love you very much
and I will be your worst nightmare if you don't get in that car now.
- Seven, six... - But we're not ready to go yet.
You're not ready? Well... Well, are you ready for this?
I don't think so. Are you ready to be a parent?
I don't think so.
Four,
three...
Are you happy? You just ruined my entire life.
Well, we'll fix it later.
Two...
- You. - Chill out, Mommy.
- Hey. - It's all good.
- Don't you talk to me like that. - It's just prom.
You listen to me. If you ever so much as blink in her direction again,
I can and will bury you so far in the ground
that the heat from the earth's core will incinerate your sorry ass.
- Do you understand me? - Yes, ma'am.
By the way, you're not a bad person,
but this is very bad behavior.
Very bad behavior.
Go away. I'm never speaking to either of you.
She's gonna be fine. She's gonna be just fine.
It was so nice to meet you. And thank you for your help.
- Sure. - So. Come here.
So I'll just come pack up the kids in the morning, and, um...
You're doing the right thing.
You are.
OK.
So good night.
Good night, Jenny.
You want me to make you a cup of tea?
No, thanks.
I think it would be best for me if you just go.
Why?
I'm not a mom.
I'm not girlfriend material. I'm not brave.
I'm not anything you need.
- Hey, Helen. - No, please.
Don't.
Please, Dan.
OK. So, then, if you wanna come on Sunday, great, and you just figure that out.
All right? And then say goodbye to the kids.
Hey.
You make sure Hippo has a night-light so he doesn't get scared in the dark, OK?
- Henry. - Don't worry about it.
OK.
I know you're mad.
I'd be mad too.
But, really, Audrey, I'm only thinking of you.
I got you guys something.
I thought you might like it.
That's darling.
OK, say goodbye to Helen.
Ibsen wrote, "Not all women are meant to be mothers."
And I have to say, I agree with him. Fashion and family do not mix.
But, you know, there can be exceptions.
Exceptions?
- Would you like some tea? - No, thank you. Exceptions like...?
Tinka.
She wants you to be her agent, of all things.
And, as she is one of our biggest earners right now, well...
I want you back.
Press on this thing. Makes that big boom sound. Softer. OK? Softer.
Thanks.
" And I'm running out of time
" I can feel that it's the season
" It's time to make up my mind
" And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
" There are so many thoughts in my head
" There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
" So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
" I'm thinking over the things
- Hey, Helen. - Hey.
You calling it a night or want to go eat?
No, I'm just gonna go home.
" Thinking over
" Thinking over the things that you've said
" I'm thinking over
" Thinking over
" Thinking over the things
" Am I ready for forever?
" Oh, God, show me a sign
" Cos if we're to be together
" Then it's got to be divine
" And I can't really tell ya
" What I'm gonna do
" Cos there are so many thoughts in my head
" There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
" So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
" I'm thinking over the things
" Thinking over
" Thinking over the things that you've said
" And I'm thinking over
" Thinking over
" Only you know if he's the one for me
" So many thoughts in my head
" There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
" I'm thinking over
Mm-mm. Smells like sunshine.
Hi, I'm Mickey Massey. Um... I've been married for a long time now,
but my wife and I don't have any children, so my cars became my babies.
I know. That sounds obsessive.
But you don't know the joy I feel when I find them a good home.
I mean, look at these beauties. What's not to love?
Massey Motors. Come visit us. I love my cars. And you will, too.
Massey Motors. In Queens.
Now back to the Saturday six o'clock movie.
- Phone call, Mr Massey. It's your wife.
Thank you. Thank you, Sharon. Hello, Diane.
Oh, please. I look like I always do.
Good night, Tim. Thank you very much.
Sure I will... Hold on a minute.
- Hi. - Helen, you've come back to work.
Oh, no. No. Mickey, I need to borrow a car desperately. It's an emergency.
- Sure. Use one of the test drives. - OK.
Hey, you were great on TV.
Sure, I looked great, but did I sell any cars? I'm sorry.
- Eddie, I need this car. - You can't take this car. It's Mr Massey's...
I know, but it's the only one with a full tank of gas. I have to go.
What movie star did I look like? Well...
Helen, I think you misunderstood.
Ed. Ed, who do we know with a Jaguar?
Could be a celebrity coming to knit with you.
- Origami, Origami. Shh.
- Origami.
Helen.
- I'm here for my kids. - OK. I'm listening.
I don't know who I am any more without them. I need them and I want them back.
OK, let me see if I've got that.
You need them because you want them,
because you don't know who you are without them.
See, all I'm hearing is "you, you, you."
But this can't be about you. It has to be about them.
What don't you understand? I love those kids.
Whether or not you love them was never the question.
It was whether or not you could raise them.
The power to take the kids back is yours.
This is not a power struggle between you and me.
This is me asking you to do the right thing for everyone.
The kids aren't packed. It's too late for them to go anywhere tonight, anyway.
Ed, can you let Origami out?
Come on. The bases are loaded. Jeter's up.
I'll be right back. Ed.
I mean, don't you hear him?
Hi.
Hey, Henry, Audrey. I miss you guys.
- You guys heard all that? - Yeah, we did.
Hey, you left Irwin back at our place. Why?
It's not really Irwin.
My Irwin had a skull and crossbones that I drew on his stomach.
Why didn't you say something?
Seemed you didn't want me to know.
Sarah, honey, why don't you go play with turtle and figure out a name for him?
I just couldn't stand the idea of you losing something else you cared so much about.
Can I put him in a bowl?
Yeah.
Sarah, you wanna help Henry with the turtle?
Can I name him Hippo?
Why do you want to name everything Hippo?
Because I can spell it.
Audrey, sweetie, can you do me a favor and get me your wallet?
Why?
Could you just do it, please?
Open it up and give me your fake ID.
- Why? - Because I said so, that's why.
I'm not gonna give it to you. I'm not a child.
Yes, you are.
You are a child, Audrey, and you have a right to a childhood
and you should fight for it. But if you won't, then I will. Now, give me your ID.
That was very adult of you.
You tricked me. I thought you were on my side, but you're just like her.
I hate you.
Do you hear me? I hate you.
Well,
I'm just gonna have to live with that.
Well, we don't have to decide this tonight.
Jenny. What are you doing?
At first, I didn't agree with this letter,
but...
Sit down.
No, I think I'll swing. In fact, you know what they say?
- What? - It's not over till the fat lady swings.
See? I can make a joke.
"Dear Jenny,
if you're reading this, you know that I am gone,
and I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids."
And you're probably freaked about it.
Yes, it's a surprising choice,
considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known.
If you find this letter odd, understand that my always-be-prepared Paul
convinced me to write it now, while our children are young.
You must know from experience that when it comes to picking
somebody else to raise your kids,
no one seems right.
No one is you.
And so you choose someone who is most like you.
Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom.
The mom they lost and never really got to know.
In so many ways, we are so much alike.
That's why I chose Helen.
They're all yours.
Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids,
yet she'll find a way to make up.
Welcome to the mamahood.
I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes.
On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks.
Respect her, Jenny. Give her a shot.
We're family, and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together.
I know Helen will certainly need some help
learning how to be a mother to my kids,
but I've got you for that,
and who could be better?
OK.
After all, you raised Helen.
You'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes.
I can still hear you telling her:
"The bunny goes around the tree and into the burrow."
Pull tight.
Yes!
It's about time, Sarah.
Ripped by: dj-oRi
" Before the cream sits out too long, you must whip it
" Now whip it into shape
" Shape it up, get it straight
" Go forward, move ahead
" Try to detect it, it's not too late
" To whip it, whip it good
" Down here the river
" Meets the sea
" And in the sticky heat I feel you open up to me
" Love comes outta nowhere, baby
" Just like a hurricane
" And it feels like rain
" There's a love that I'm feeling when I look in your eyes
" It's the same way I'm feeling when you're looking in mine
" All the stars form a circle around you and I
" Without you there's nothing
" There's one thing you should know
" As we sit here all alone
" Just come in close, there's something I should say
" I been thinking, wishing, hoping, praying
" In your heart is where I'm staying
" A love like this doesn't happen too much
" Even less than never like the sun and moon together
" A love like this, oh
" I've been thinking, wishing, hoping, praying
" In your heart is where I'm staying
" A love like this doesn't happen too much
" Doesn't happen too much
" I am extraordinary
" If you'd ever get to know me
" I am extraordinary
" I am just your ordinary
" Average everyday sane psycho supergoddess
" Average everyday sane psycho
" You may not believe in me
" But I believe in you
" So I still take the trash out
" Does that make me too normal for you?
" So dig a little deeper
" Cos you still don't get it yet
" See me licking my lips, need a primitive fix
" And I'll make, I'll make you love me
" I am extraordinary
" I am just your ordinary
" Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
" You've been living in the sky, are you ever gonna come on down?
" Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
" Show me love
" I prayed though I've never been a God man
" You never know, maybe it just might mean something
" I switched back, see if anything was going right
" The washer called me and bled me off
" Said, "You're gonna save one, better save yourself"
"And you'll never know me till you find your own piece of life"
" Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
" You've been living in the sky, are you ever gonna come on down?
" Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
" You've been living in the sky, are you ever gonna come on down?
" Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
" You've been living in the sky, are you ever gonna come on down?
" Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
Ripped by: dj-oRi
(‡ "Stand Back" by Joan Osborne)
‡ I need a Ken doll pilot with a sexy smile and a flying limousine
‡ To pick me up, go the extra mile and deliver me to the scene
‡ I need five more hours in the average day
‡ One to get the work done, four to play
‡ Be a devil and angel You know what I mean?
‡ Stand back
‡ Out of my way
‡ Stand back
‡ You're crowding my day
‡ No time for good manners, do what I say
‡ If you're not here to help then you're just in the way
‡ The road is littered with the faint of heart, the fools who fell from stress
‡ It's a fact of life that you can't catch up, better learn how to love the mess
‡ So I'll just kick back, ignore the noise, have my way with the pretty boys,
‡ What I dream at night don't even try to guess
- ‡ Stand back - ‡ Stand back
‡ Out of my way
- ‡ Stand back - ‡ Stand back
‡ You're crowding my day
‡ Now this is my time to step up to the mike
‡ Like rock'n'roll lightning I'm ready to strike
- ‡ Stand back - ‡ Stand back
‡ Oh
- ‡ Stand back - ‡ Stand back
‡ Stand back
(doorman) What do we got here? One, two, three, four beautiful ladies. Come on.
Caesar, let 'em in.
Nice. Not you. Too random.
- Hey, Tinka. What are you doing? - I'm waiting for you.
Oh, no. You can't become a supermodel waiting in the middle of a line. Follow me.
- Evening, Jimmy. This is Tinka. - She's with you?
Are you kidding? I'm with her. She's the next big thing. Look at her.
Well, that may be, but she's not on the list.
Let me see that.
Look at that. She is now, stud.
- Come on. - Let 'em in.
- (Tinka) So that's how it works. - (girl) Who was she?
- (girl) Hey, what about us, stud? - (man) We've been waiting for an hour.
(‡ "If You Walk Away" by FeFe Dobson)
‡ The books I've read
‡ And this heart of mine
‡ I've booked ahead to the other side
Hey, Rufus.
Hey-hey.
- What's happening? - That's what's happening. Who is she?
Close your mouth, Rufus. It's Tinka. Everybody knows Tinka.
(Rufus) I'll give her a shout out.
(over PA) Hey, that girl on stage with the serious moves is Tinka.
(woman) Dominique Modeling Agency. Good morning.
No, Caitlin's not in this early. I'll connect you to her voice mail.
- Hey, Lacey. - Good morning.
Two calls from Paris, one from Milan, and both need you to call back right now.
Ouch! Come here, Shelby. Sweetie, don't kick Mommy.
Lacey. You brought Shelby again. Dominique's gonna kill you.
- She's getting picked up at 7:30. Shh! - Watch out.
- Sweetie, you want to color? - Yeah.
(phone rings)
(Lacey) Dominique Modeling Agency. Good morning.
OK, you can send your picture and resume.
- Thank you. - (phone rings)
Dominique Modeling Agency. Good morning.
No, Dominique's not in yet. Can I give you her assistant Helen?
Thank you.
Hello, it's Helen. Hi.
Bonjour, Didier. Non, non, uh...
OK, Jean Paul, so let's go over who you booked for that shoot again.
Yeah, just to be sure. Varusha, Segrid Olafsson, Malak, Tinka...
Tinka?
I don't have a Tinka. Who is Tinka?
Morning, Lacey. Is that the new one? Let me see.
- (man) Dominique's here. - You smell funny. Is it baby powder?
- You need to sign these, please. - Who are you?
Mary. I'm the new intern.
Hope you're here long enough for me to remember your name.
Du kannst den Fotografen nicht warten lassen.
Dominiques Modelle kommen nie zu spat.
Dominique? Dominique, here are the gentlemen for the Lola ad.
(Dominique) Hm.
"Every man." Well, they're not every man. Do better.
I demand to have her first. Let me speak to Dominique right now.
I need the list for the shoot. Yes.
Oh, you've heard about Tinka, have you?
Well, if you want her, she's gonna cost you double, you know?
She's very popular.
(mouths)
Good. We got a deal. Bye.
I love new clients.
Thank you.
Caitlin.
No, no. He looks like a model. No, he's just too beautiful.
We need a, you know, everyman. A bloke. A really, you know, nice...
Dominique.
You see. That's a bloke.
Excuse me. You with the water. What's your name?
Gary Hagelnick.
Um... Cia. Would you photograph him, please?
Vieni qua, facciamolo.
- I don't do naked... any more. - Scusa.
(Dominique) Take some test shots. I think he's our Lola guy.
- Lindsay's going to love it. - I'm so late.
- Listen, have fun with your sisters tonight. - Mm-hm. I'll call you on my way back.
OK.
‡ Happy birthday to you
‡ Happy birthday, dear Mom
(doorbell)
- Aunt Helen's here! - Aunt Helen's here!
Hang on. Hang on.
Hi. How are you?
I'm so glad you're here. And you smell good.
- Thanks. Here. - Hey, Aunt Helen.
Yah! Oh!
(boy) Dad, are you really taking Mom to Atlantic City?
- Yes, I am. - Helen, look what I got.
Your first fake ID. Congratulations, "Mrs Gonzales"?
- It's the only name they had. - (boy) I'm gonna show her my new turtle.
- Hey-ho. - (everyone cheers)
Sorry I'm late. I've just been working my...
- And what were you two...? - (Helen) Oh, nothing.
- Talking? Talking? - Just girl talk.
No, no. Just catching up.
Do you want something to eat? Are you hungry?
- No. I'm fine. I ate. - I can make it up.
I am stuffed. I ate an apple on the way here.
Sorry, Jenny.
OK. So. And...
‡ Happy birthday to you
OK, make a wish, honey.
(everyone cheers)
See, they couldn't put all the candles on there or else the smoke alarm would go off.
I love this. Thank you.
You're welcome.
- OK. Who's this? This is Jenny? - Yes.
And I wonder what it is. It must be...
(both) Potpourri.
No. You're all wrong.
It's not potpourri. It's a make-your-own potpourri kit.
Oh, it's great. I love it. Thank you so much.
- Who's next? - Oh, me, me, me, me, me.
- Me, me, me, me, me. - Oh, yay. Oh, yay. Oh, yay.
"Lindsay, just remember... (laughs)
...you're never too old to dance around in your underwear."
No way.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my gosh. Look. - Oh, no. Devo.
You got the hats. Where did you find these?
I couldn't believe it. On line. Of all places. Bored at work.
- Remember this? - Yeah. I do.
I remember you kinda looked like fire hydrants.
- Remember the moves? - Do I remember the moves?
Just see if you can keep up. Come on.
(‡ "Whip It" by Devo)
‡ Crack that whip
‡ Give the past the slip
‡ Step on a crack
- Come on, honey. - Oh, no, no, no. Oh, look at you go.
- Let's whip it good. - Oh, gosh, no.
‡ (both) When a problem comes along, you must whip it
‡ If the cream sits out too long, you must whip it
‡ When something's going wrong
‡ (both) You must whip it
- ‡ Now whip it - ‡ Into shape
‡ It's not too late
‡ To whip it
‡ Whip it good
‡ When a good time turns around You must whip it
‡ You will never live it down Unless you whip it
‡ No one gets their way
- Good shot, Mom. - Good shot, Mom.
- OK, step out. Holy Toledo. - Huh?
What is going on?
Jen, our little sister has grown up and turned into a dance-club tramp.
Please. You should talk. You had your fun.
Yeah. That was fun, but I was never a size two, you traitor.
Hey, we would have won if we'd played horse.
(Lindsay) Audrey, Henry, no video games until you clean up the den.
- (Audrey and Henry) Mom! - (whinnies like a horse)
- Oh, honey. - (girl) Night, Mom. Night, Dad.
(Dad) You're looking good out there.
Thanks, Dad. The coach said I can play in every game.
- That's great. - Good night, everybody.
No, the birthday girl should not be doing the dishes.
- I agree. - Yeah.
I'll go change my shirt and I'll come back and take over. OK?
OK.
You guys are such a Pottery Barn catalogue. How did that happen?
Woo!
It's like they've never seen a dress before.
Um... They just haven't seen half of a dress.
You know what you were saying about the Pottery Barn catalogue?
You know how you get there? You meet the nice guy,
you get married, and you get to experience...
(both) The miracle of life.
(they laugh)
- Oh. Oh. - Oops.
Well, I don't know why I bother talking to you two.
Hello in there. Will I be seeing you in four months?
Yes, I will. I hope you like potpourri.
Yes, I do. And I hope you like Tupperware parties.
And lots of flowers. Lots of...
It's true as well. I do, I love 'em.
I love flowers.
- (boy) ‡ I wanna feel what love is - (Helen) ‡ I wanna know what love is
- ‡ And I want you to show me - ‡ I wanna feel it, I wanna feel what love is
- (boy) ‡ I wanna feel what love is - (Helen) ‡ Ooh, baby
(compere) Thank you, guys.
All right, all right. Thank you.
That was great. Helen and Devon. That's enough.
Keep it down, I got neighbors.
I don't know any of them, but I got them.
- What are you wearing? - I don't know. Whatever they put on me.
You took these from the photo shoot?
You know you're not supposed to take the clothes you model.
Oh, right. So I guess I should take 'em off.
I'll help you.
(popping sounds)
- What is this? - Oh, bubble wrap.
(Helen laughs)
The photographer wanted me to look more buff.
- Ooh. - You like that?
(pops bubble wrap)
- Hey. - Mm.
(lots of popping sounds)
(‡ "Extraordinary" by Liz Phair)
‡ I am extraordinary
- All set, Ms Rosenthal. - Oh, finally.
Come on in. Thank you for waiting.
Any minute. Any minute.
Christopher, don't make me call for a pizza.
Any minute.
- (Caitlin) Hey. - (Helen) Hi.
- Hi. - How are you?
Hi. What is this? Sunday brunch gridlock?
Oh, I know. They just keep on telling us, "Any minute now," like it's a mantra.
Can we wait like normal, patient adults?
- (all) No. - Christopher. Hi.
(phone rings)
- I would like a Bellini, please. - Bellini.
- (Caitlin) Ooh, yes. Bellini. - Bellini. Bellini.
It's my sister.
Jenny, can I call you back?
- Jenny. - Acceptable guys at 12 o'clock.
Jenny, slow down. I can't hear you.
(male friend) Are they looking at you or me?
What?
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, Jenny. - Helen, what's the matter?
- Look at Helen. - Jenny...
(female friend) Helen, what happened?
Hello. What is it? Honey, what happened?
(Helen) What?
Are you sure?
Jumped the center divide and he slammed into them. They didn't have time to react.
- That's what the police think, anyway. - I'm sorry, Ed.
(woman) I remember when they bought this house.
So what happens now with the kids?
- Oh, hey. - Do the kids have any grandparents?
Yes. Paul's parents came from Miami. They just barely made it today, so...
So sorry.
I'm so, so sorry about your aunt and uncle.
- Thank you. - Yeah, thank you.
Reverend Hallin spoke so beautifully.
Thanks again, sweetie.
(rattling)
(sniffing)
I'm so sorry.
- So sorry for your loss, Jenny. - I know, sweetheart. I know.
It smells like Mommy in here.
(Jenny) Guys.
A lot of people are waiting to pay their respects.
I'm sure they'd appreciate it if you all came downstairs.
We are gonna get through this.
All right?
Hey, do you mind going to the market for me and getting some blue party napkins?
Now? I mean, can't we use something else?
Helen.
I've planned the funeral and I've...
I've made the food and taken responsibility for three very scared children.
All I'm asking you for is four packages of blue, three-ply dinner napkins
with a seashell design, so that people don't remember our sister and her husband
with paper toweling on their I... on their laps.
All right.
(doorbell)
- Terribly sorry. - Thank you.
Hi, I'm Wanda from next door.
If you need anything, my phone number's on the casserole.
- Thank you. - And I'm Rudy from across the street.
I also wanted to pay my condolences. Everyone loved Lindsay and Paul.
(doorbell)
(sighs)
(doorbell)
All right. Come on through and give your brother a bounce pass.
There you go. Get it up. Yes!
Very good. OK. Now you give Sarah a bounce pass.
Come on, Sarah. Come on. Come on, sweetie.
(man) "Section 5."
"Custody and care of the Davis children."
"An account and trust has been set up at Maplewood Savings Bank,
in the names of Audrey, Henry and Sarah Davis."
"This bank also holds the mortgage on the Davis property at 207, Oak Street."
Yes, Larry, and that mortgage is quite large. We do need to talk about that, also.
We will.
"With regard to custody of Audrey, Henry and Sarah,
we hereby appoint sole guardianship of all three children,
imbuing her with all legal rights and responsibilities that guardianship entails,
to Helen Harris."
What?
- What? - It's not a mistake.
I prepared this for them myself.
They were very clear. Helen Harris.
Jenny should have them.
I... She's got kids. I...
She's got the mom haircut. She's Supermom.
She left a letter for each of you explaining her decision.
You know I handled your mother's will.
Lindsay and Paul's was equally specific.
Good Lord, Lindsay.
Can I read yours?
Helen.
- Are there any contingencies? - Yes.
If Helen is either unable or unwilling to care for the children,
- then you, Jenny, are thusly appointed. - OK, finally, some reason.
Thank you.
God, why didn't you start with that?
Can you imagine Helen raising three kids?
(Helen clears throat)
When should I tell them?
As soon as possible.
- Are you sure? - Yep.
But we all thought...
Nope.
It's gonna be hard to take care of us if you're dead too.
This?
Won't kill me for years.
Who's gonna take me to school?
I guess I am.
- And make me chicken fingers? - Me.
- And give me a bath? - Me.
And check my nose boogies for infections?
We'll find someone else to do that last thing.
Come here.
All we gotta do is stick together.
Everything's gonna be OK.
Thanks for trying, Aunt Helen, but it's not gonna be OK.
Come on, Sarah. It's time for your bath. Come on, Henry.
Good idea. Great. Uh...
You guys do that, while Aunt Helen is gonna go out and check the lawn.
Is Aunt Helen older than you, Audrey?
(Audrey whispers) Get farther down.
Is she playing hide-and-go-seek?
(Audrey) I don't think so.
(Henry) We are in deep shit.
(Helen) I love New York pizza.
Aunt Helen, can we go to the Statue of Liberty tomorrow?
No, because we won't be here...
- Where's Henry? - He said he'd be right back.
I go to the bathroom for five seconds, and he's gone?
- With mustard. Here it is. - I didn't want mustard.
- You don't want mustard? - No.
All right. No mustard.
- There he is. - Henry!
- OK? Who's gonna pay for this? - Aunt Helen.
- You can't do that. You can't just leave. - I hate pizza. I wanted a hot dog.
- Can you pay Aaron, please? - I'm Aaron.
Hi, Aaron. I like that he's making new friends. It's lovely.
(Aaron) Talk me up!
The next time you want something like a hot dog, you tell me, OK?
- And we'll all go together. - (Henry) OK.
- Where are we going to dinner? - This is dinner.
(Sarah) Gee, Mommy never let pizza be our whole dinner.
(Henry) And Dad always said not to eat and walk at the same time.
(Audrey) Well, they're not here to yell at us, so it doesn't matter.
(Henry) How many beds do you have in your apartment, Aunt Helen?
- (Sarah) Aunt Helen! - (Helen laughs)
- Audrey, your knee. - Stop!
Hey, guys. Shh!
(lisps) I'm telling you, if we don't go to sleep right now,
Sleepless Sally gets really upset when the kids aren't going to sleep.
Where's Sarah? Sarah?
I'm right down here.
Henry's feet stink. Phew!
- (Henry) But I'm a man. - (Audrey) Give Aunt Helen a whiff.
I don't want to smell your feet.
- Ew! I can smell them from here. - Ew!
Ew!
Henry!
You need to wash your feet not once a week.
(Henry) Good night, all.
Audrey, get out of the bathroom.
Fire! Fire!
- Aunt Helen? - Hm?
Why are we going back? This was great. We should spend more time here.
- More time? - Yeah.
We can move here.
We can't sleep every night in a stinky-feet bed.
We'll move to another apartment. It's a huge city.
You'll be closer to your job and everything. You love your job.
- What about Henry and Sarah? - What about them?
They've got school. They have friends. You guys grew up in that neighborhood.
That's why. It's a sad neighborhood now.
Everywhere we go there, we think of Mom and Dad.
- The kids treat me differently. - We will discuss this later.
Please think about it, Aunt Helen.
OK, we got a train to catch. Let's go.
Henry, stop brushing your teeth. They're gonna fall out.
- I can't get Hippo in the bag. - Oh, give it to me.
OK.
There. He's in the bag. Are you happy now?
(Helen) Henry!
Now, the only thing to do would be to tell Aunt Jenny.
Thinking about it, Audrey. I will think about it.
- Tell her we voted. - I'll think about it, Audrey.
I understand the children's feelings,
- but that's not part of the plan. - That's your plan, Jenny.
All right, well, what about the idea of not selling Lindsay's house?
I know you guys offered to pay the mortgage, but it's enormous.
I spoke to the bank, and the mortgage is too much for us.
All right. Besides being my idea, what's wrong with moving down the block?
I mean, I think the calm of the familiar is better
than the overwhelming hustle-bustle of the city.
Guys, can you please keep the coloring on the eggs and not each other?
Oh, no, no, no. No.
Jenny, Sarah thinks that Hippo's parents are on vacation. That they're coming back.
Henry walks around like a zombie and draws skeletons.
- Audrey is my only ally. - You really have to watch her.
Look, they're not happy. And they've told me themselves.
They're not gonna be happy anywhere right now.
OK, OK. Wait. Wait. Let us talk for a minute.
Wait till you see what the Easter Bunny brings. He's gonna bring lots more eggs.
The Easter Bunny's not coming. The Easter Bunny joined 50 Cent.
- (Audrey) Why are you being a brat? - (Henry) You're a brat.
Helen is right. A change might do them some good.
And if it doesn't work out, they can always move back here to Jersey.
(Audrey) Ew, you got some in my hair.
- (Sarah) You know what? You know what? - (Helen) Oh!
- Oh, no. - You're not very good at this, Aunt Helen.
- Stop it! - Irwin's after ya!
- Turtles carry... carry diseases. - Stop it. Sarah, please.
We have to find an apartment. We need to help Aunt Helen.
OK? By being quiet.
(smacks lips noisily)
(clicks tongue)
Stop it.
Stop.
(Helen clicks her pen)
(screams)
(Helen) No.
Chelsea. No.
You know, I hear there's some pretty decent stuff in Queens.
No. We are not bridge-and-tunnel people. We are Manhattan people.
(gasps)
Oh, wow.
Four bedrooms. Close to Central Park. The owner wants it rented quickly,
so he's asking what is very reasonable for a New York apartment.
Only nine thousand a month.
(‡ "Whose Life Am I In" by SHeDAIS Y)
‡ I feel like an android living in a Polaroid
‡ Just another reject, it gets a little seasick
‡ Whose life am I in?
‡ Feels like deja vu, don't know what to do
‡ Point my finger to the sky and finally ask the question why
‡ Whose life am I in?
That's the girl looking at 4B.
- One bathroom. That's it? - Yeah, well,
I'll put you on a waiting list if a two opens up. And look at this - flower power, huh?
So I guess Audrey can have the back room
and Henry and Sarah can share the middle one and I'll just sleep on a pull-out couch.
Wow, graffiti.
Sure, there's plenty of room for a pull-out couch here. Look, you got a nice view.
So, the ad said something about a visual security system. How does that work?
When somebody buzzes, you stick your head out the window and you look down.
That's the visual part.
Then you yell for them to come up or not. That's the security part.
Here's your keys. Welcome to the Astoria Arms.
I am only available between 8:30 and nine in the morning because I have a life.
So...
home!
(Sarah) Yeah!
(Jenny) I ordered the pizza. It should be here in 30 minutes.
(Ed) Yay!
Um...
Know what, I bet this is lead paint.
Guys. Guys, guys.
Don't chew on the windowsills, all right?
Yeah. Stick to the table legs, like I taught you.
(Ed) OK, come on, guys. Let's go, let's go. Sometime today. Into the bedroom.
This window is also painted shut.
You know, I mean, for 1200 a month, you'd think you'd have windows that open.
- I want this bed. - Look, for the tenth time,
in the old house I had this bed and you had that bed.
- But I want this bed. - That's it! Hippo goes out the window.
- Followed by Irwin. - (Jenny) Guys!
Stop fighting. He pinches her all the time, and hard. It's hard.
(sighs)
Thank you.
- So, it's not that bad, right, Jen? - No.
- Hi. - I'm Nilma Prasad. I live across the hall.
Here's some samosas that we made for you.
So that would make you my neighbor. This is my neighbor,
my friendly neighbor, Jenny. Nilma, I'm Helen.
- No, I'm Nilma. - I'm Helen. That's Jenny.
I snagged this one in the hallway, screaming.
- It's OK, Flora. Mr Costello's deaf. - (Flora) I'm not.
(Nilma speaks Hindi)
So I see you have kids too, so maybe a play date sometime?
Oh! Oh, my goodness, that would be wonderful.
Great.
- I'm Jenny, Helen's sister. - Hello.
- Can I ask you a special favor? - Yes.
- Helen is new at being a mom. - Uh-oh.
- Exactly. - These aren't her kids?
- Our sister passed. - Oh, I'm so sorry. Bless her.
- So, Nilma, if you could from time to time... - Oh, absolutely.
- And if they... - Which they will, no?
- You could... - No problem.
- That's all I'm asking. - OK, say no more, please.
- Thank you so much. - OK, no problem.
- Just mommy talk. - Oh, right.
So, Helen, where have you decided to send the kids to school?
Got it covered.
It's just middle school and you'll both have to be separated,
- all three of you. - (Sarah) No.
I vote against separation.
You know, maybe we should find a school with less policemen everywhere.
Audrey. Hi. Let's go.
Come on, guys. This cab's gonna be about $100.
- (boy) That girl is fine. - Hi. Yeah, she's pretty.
Nice, Audrey. Thanks for making my life a lot easier.
(Audrey) I don't like school, anyway.
I mean, I'll just drop out and get a job.
(Sarah) I like school. I wanna go to school. I want to.
(Henry) Aunt Helen, you promised you'd find us a school.
(Helen) Oh, God, help me.
(church bell)
Slow down. Stop.
That was fast. Kids.
Lisa, stop dragging your sweater.
(children singing)
‡ This little light of mine
‡ I'm gonna let it shine
‡ Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine
‡ This little light of mine
‡ I'm gonna let it shine
‡ This little light of mine
‡ I'm gonna let it shine
‡ This little light of mine
‡ I'm gonna let it shine
‡ Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine
‡ Let it shine
I mean, Lutheranism has been in our family for as long as
Lutheran people have been around.
Being a Lutheran is the greatest. I mean, right, kids?
Hippo wants to be a Lutheran, too.
Hippo is a Lutheran.
I knew that God told us to move here so that we could attend your fine school.
A good, solid education taught our Lutheran way is the best way.
- I mean, isn't that right, Father? - Pastor.
- Father Pastor. - Pastor Parker.
Right.
Thank you for that fine testimonial.
Hallelujah.
Well. I'm just gonna need the kids' transcripts and blood tests and they're in.
- Blood tests? - Make sure they're really Lutheran.
You'd be surprised how many non-Lutherans try to sneak in.
I'm sure. Um, problem.
They're all hemophiliacs.
All three of them. Can't take blood.
- Shh. They're sensitive. - It's a joke.
Why would I joke about hemophilia?
There's no blood test. That's the joke.
Oh.
You don't have to be Lutheran to go here. It's Queens.
There's, like, 50 Lutheran kids in the whole neighborhood.
Shall we take a look around?
So we have space available. Can you handle the tuition?
- (Helen) Not a problem. - (Sarah) Tetherball!
Oh, yay!
Henry, we have basketball courts, gym down there.
- Saint Barbara's believes in basketball. - Oh.
So what's the Lutheran take on the afterlife?
Pretty much the standard heaven, hell, purgatory thing?
- Pretty much. Old school around here. - You wanna go see the basketball courts?
- No, I'm gonna go play tetherball. - OK. Play hard.
OK.
Pastor Dan.
Hello.
Excuse me.
Mrs Fricker, I know what you got there.
- I made you some special brownies. - Wow. You, uh... I'm gonna...
- He gets a lot of brownies. - I see that.
Mm. Better than last time.
- Hi, I'm Phyllis Shore. - Helen Harris.
- This is my daughter Lisa. - Hi, Lisa.
- Will you be joining us at Saint Barbara's? - I hope so.
- Thank you. I'll see you Sunday. - OK. Bye-bye.
- See you Sunday night at vespers. - See you at vespers.
See you at vespers.
You know what vespers is?
Some kind of scooter?
Close enough.
(Helen) We got ten minutes. You don't want to be late for your first day of school.
Audrey.
- Please get out of the bathroom. - (Audrey) I'm not in there.
(tearfully) Can't do it. I don't remember how.
Sweetie.
- I don't remember how. - What's the matter?
- Your shoes? Here, let me help you. - No! No!
Sarah, sweetheart, we have to go to school.
- OK? Let me help you. - No! That's not how. You don't know how.
Sweetheart, are you nervous about today? I mean, it's a big day at school.
Mom was teaching her how to tie her shoelaces just before.
Oh.
Right.
And I guess she had a special way of tying them.
Well, your mom and I were probably taught the same way.
Let me think. Something about...
Bunnies.
Right.
Bunny ears.
You make two bunny ears,
bunny goes around the tree,
into the burrow,
pull tight.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Hurry up, hurry up. - When will you be home from work?
By dinnertime. Audrey's in charge, though, so listen to her, OK?
I don't wanna listen to her.
- Pastor Dan. - Pastor Dan.
- Well, it's the four Lutherans. - Here we are.
Here you are.
Pastor Wells, would you please show Henry and Audrey to the home room?
Sure.
- Hello, Audrey. - Bye.
- Bye. Pay attention! Sit up straight! - Good morning.
Wait, what about lunch?
- Eat it, it's healthy. - I meant, we don't have any.
Oh! Right. I'll take care of it.
Bye.
- Can you break a 20? - Always got change in the collection plate.
- And kindergarten? - Right over here.
Oh, wow, look. It's a juggling pastor, Sarah.
(laughs)
Hello, welcome. Mrs LaGambina.
- Helen Harris. This is Sarah. - Hello, Sarah.
Look at all this fun stuff. You've got markers and crayons,
coloring books, and all the nice people. Hi. You're gonna have such a good time.
(Mrs LaGambina) We were all drawing our favorite animal. Lily was drawing a cat.
Sarah, do you want some crayons?
Oh, no, not those. Those are the teacher's markers.
Better put your sweater on, it's chilly outside.
OK, that was funny. Sorry, Sarah.
- You could've just told me. - More fun this way.
- (Mrs LaGambina) Who's this? - (Sarah) Hippo.
Everybody, meet Hippo.
(Dominique) All right, all right, all right. Enough. Come on, let's get started.
Hi, Lacey. Hey.
Helen.
- I told you I'd make it back. - Good. Sit down, sweetie.
- Who's that? - That's the intern.
Move over, intern. Caitlin, move.
OK, good.
Now, what about the Armani deal? Is that gonna be completed in my lifetime?
Tom made it happen this morning, and you're all set for your trip to Miami.
Good. You're gonna love it there.
- Me? - Well, yes. You're back, I need you.
Dominique, I... I can't just pick up and leave for a week right now.
- Why? - (whispers) I have...
Oh.
The babies. Oh.
All right, who wants to take this mummy's place on a first-class trip to Miami?
Caitlin. You're on. Helen will tell you what to bring.
Don't wear any of those midriff-baring outfits. It's so last year.
And I want my luggage Federal Expressed ahead of time.
Right, that's it. Lacey, who am I having lunch with today?
- Was it Vogue, or Elle, or...? - Vogue at Cipriani.
OK. Good.
Good to have you back, sweetie.
We'll go over everything else at the fashion show tonight.
Tonight?
Unless, of course, you've got a Brownie meeting or something.
Oh, no, no, no. I'll be there.
- Good. - OK.
- Hola! - (man) Sweetheart, over here.
- Hi. - Who's your date?
- His name is Pate. - (man #2) Big smile.
(man over PA) Thank you. Please take your seats. The show's about to begin.
That's Martina, the supermodel, sitting next to Dominique.
Who are the ladies on the end?
Those are the agents we're trying to steal her from.
Hello. You have a lovely agency. Yes.
I think we should have lunch.
Take the houselights out and go Cue One.
- Hi, Teddy. - Hi. Kids, don't touch the runway lights.
Excuse me. Pardon me. Thanks.
- Hey, hi. - (Audrey) Front row seats!
- (Dominique) What's all this? - (Henry) There's no room.
(Helen) Can you squash down just a little bit more?
- Don't these children live in Queens? - I know.
I know. I couldn't find anybody to watch them.
But don't worry, you won't even know they're here. I'm here to work.
This child's wearing pajamas.
(Sarah) Aunt Helen, I'm hungry.
- You should've eaten your hamburger. - It had onions.
OK. Take care of her a sec. I'll be right back.
- Keep an eye on her. - You're going?
Keep an eye on Sarah.
Hey, partner.
- Working on your lingerie merit badge? - I'm a buyer from Victoria's Secret.
You're with Helen and you should go back to your seat. Yeah. Go for Teddy.
Does my nose boogie look green?
Yes, as a matter of fact, it does.
Sort of Prada green. Not their best collection. Put it back inside.
(‡ "Fashion" by David Bowie)
- Ooh, look, a doggy! - Yes. Watch the lovely doggy.
Hello, doggy.
- Oh, my... - Come here, doggy.
(male model) Oh!
Are you all right? Model down. I repeat, we have a model down.
Oh, no. Sarah, what are you doing? Are you OK?
- (Sarah) What happened? - Everything's OK.
All set. The limo's downstairs.
- Martina. Welcome to our agency. - Thanks. I'm so excited.
You can be effusive on the way in the limo. Go on, off you go.
(Helen) So we should be to Coney Island in about an hour.
(phone rings)
Excuse me. This is Helen.
- Hi, it's Dan. - Dan. What's wrong?
Nothing is wrong. We just have a little situation with Sarah down here.
- I think you should come to the school. - Come there now?
It's a little difficult to get to school right now. I'm working. Is she OK?
Helen.
Give me the phone.
Yeah. Hi.
We'll be right there. OK.
- Are you sure? - No problem. We have plenty of time.
I know how it is. I have a four-year-old.
Then I couldn't find the burrow for the bunny.
- I hate it when that happens. - Me too.
- You guys wanna do my makeup? - (girls) Yeah.
- Can I be a princess? - (girl) Yeah. You're pretty.
OK.
Sarah, you don't have to learn to tie your shoes right now.
When you're ready to tie your shoes, you will.
That's right. Shoe-tying's tough. Why do you think Jesus wore sandals?
- See ya. - (Helen) Thanks, Pastor Dan.
- Do I look pretty? - (girls) Yeah.
So, you wanna go play? Everything's gonna be fine.
(girl) A little bit of green up here.
Stop!
Are those permanent?
It's OK, it happens to me all the time. It'll come off in a couple of days.
Sorry, Helen.
It's not working.
I understand.
I'm sorry, Dominique.
Thank you so much for everything.
I'll collect my things.
(‡ jazz)
(man) Hey! Stop that racket.
(canned laughter on TV)
Are you all right, Aunt Helen? You've been watching reruns all day.
Reruns are the culture of the unemployed.
(knock at door)
Hey, I'll get it. I have no life.
(knocking)
Cable guy.
It's the Exorcist.
- Hi. - Hi.
Sorry about Martina.
So I brought you comfort food - Chunky Monkey.
- Would you like to come in? - Pastor Dan.
Hey, kids.
How did he get past the visual security system?
- Who cares? Now we can watch MTV. - Yeah.
It's funny how one moment I'm living my life
not really in touch with the fact that I'm sharing this planet with permanent pens,
and the next moment one such pen has made, shall we say,
an indelible impact on my career.
- Hey, Helen. - A black mark on my record,
X-ed out my future...
- Helen. ...and, in short, my career is dead.
Like your turtle.
- What? - Turtle's dead.
Oh, no.
Oh, Irwin, no.
May he rest in peace...
Shut up. You don't understand. This is Henry's turtle. It's his friend.
He's...
He can't be dead.
Oh, he's dead.
We need to find a body double now.
Here.
What about the empty bowl?
I'll hide it.
Ki... Kids!
We're gonna go get butterscotch and chocolate syrup for the ice cream.
You stay put and watch television.
And don't come in the kitchen, I just waxed the floors.
- Irwin's long-lost brother. - Yeah.
Thanks for doing this. You're my savior.
- I mean... - I know what you mean.
So, how are things going?
- Fine. - Hm?
- Fine. - Just fine?
- Yeah. What do you mean? - Well, it's just that
I've noticed Audrey spending too much time with the boys.
You know, that's normal for what she's going through, to look for that attention,
but some of these kids are not exactly angels, you know what I mean?
They're 15. It's teenage stuff. It's harmless.
No, it's not really harmless, cos one of these punks - his name's BZ -
I'm about to kick his butt outta school.
Let's just get upstairs before Henry finds the bowl.
Yeah, Henry. You said the kid likes basketball. He never ever picks up a ball.
I know. I've noticed that.
The thing with Sarah and the shoes the other day, that's not the first time...
Hey, what do you expect, Dan?
They've lost their parents, moved to a new city, changed schools, changed religions.
Well, let's talk about some things you could do at home.
You wanna know what I've been doing at home?
I've been doing the best I can.
Do you have any idea what this has done to my life?
Hey, Helen, do you have any idea what it's done to theirs?
Hey, Pastor Dan, Mr Self-righteous, I'm hanging on by a thread here.
I lost my sister, my social life, my disposable income,
my ability to fit into a size two and - this just in - my job.
Pretty much the only two things that haven't disappeared are my nicotine fits
and the few pounds that have recently taken up residence on my ass.
So forgive me if I'm not too thrilled about being lectured, in Queens,
about being a lousy legal guardian to three kids
who maybe shouldn't have been given to me in the first place.
They weren't given to you, they were entrusted to you by their mother, who...
Don't you talk about Lindsay.
Don't you dare talk about Lindsay. You didn't know her.
- Gimme the turtle. - That was outta line. I'm sorry.
Dan, give me the damn turtle.
Helen...
Helen.
Hey, Helen.
(‡ "Destiny" by Zero 7)
Dominique's is quite an impressive background. But three children?
They're great kids. They pretty much take care of themselves.
We love children. We're thinking about adopting.
But there'd be a lot of traveling involved and very little notice.
I love traveling.
But would they be long trips?
But I'm not on the mommy track.
We'll be in touch.
(arguing)
(sports program on radio)
Irwin, you're not looking yourself.
OK, Sarah's asleep. Go to bed now and make sure if she needs anything,
you can get it for her.
- I see no party. There is no party. - That's right.
(music from party)
Yeah. Hi.
Hi.
Hey, everyone, this is my aunt Helen.
(boy) She don't look like no aunt I ever had.
What are you...? What is this? What is this?
I thought you wanted to meet my friends.
This is BZ. He's a DJ. This is his mix.
Whassup, Mommy?
Whassup?
You got a phat crib.
- Thank you. - (phone rings)
There's my phone ringing in my phat crib.
(turns music up)
Hello.
I'm calling to remind you to come over for Mother's Day.
Jenny, do you think that's still such a good idea? I mean, I don't know if the kids are...
It'll be fine. And we're still gonna do the letter thing?
Sure. I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.
- What's that noise? - Audrey has company.
On a school night? You better make them leave.
- What do I say? - You say, "Go home."
- OK, but what if they ask why? - You say, "Because I said so."
Hi. Can we turn the music down?
Hey, guys. Let's turn the music down a little bit.
Please. Thank you.
This "crib" is closing.
And I think it's time for all y'all to go.
Why?
Because I said so.
(girl laughs)
I'll tell you what, we'll be gone before you know it.
- Bianca. - All right.
(turns music up)
Jenny, I don't know if they're quite ready to go home just yet.
Helen, get Nilma, now.
OK. I'm ready.
(shouts)
Helen said wrap it up. You get out of here, you ugly little...
Bimbo girl.
What do you think this is? And you, falling asleep. You get out.
Party's over. Elevator leaving. Hey, you. This is not a slumber party.
Get out. Get out, you. Get out, snoop doggies.
- You, get out of here. - No.
- I said, "Get out." - Chill out, Miss Rambo.
- I'm trying to get my stuff. - Get out, little hooligan. Get out.
- (boy) Yo, BZ, let's get outta here. - Great party.
(Nilma) Baggy-pant little diaper boy, go home to mama.
I'm serious. You get out of here.
I said go! Get out of here.
Back home with your baggy pants and your diapers.
Go home, naughty boy.
Good night, Helen.
What is the matter with you?
Don't you remember what it's like to be young?
Of course I remember.
It was last Wednesday.
Hi.
Can I ask you a question?
What was Lindsay thinking?
So listen, don't worry about it. They'll appreciate it when they're older.
I know. I just hate being hated.
I love it.
- I don't have that relationship... - You do.
You know, you can tell me all your problems, really. I'm a solver.
I once got an axle-grease stain out of silk.
OK, solver, can you find me a job close to home with decent pay?
And a dental plan for the cavity triplets?
My husband Ravi.
Do you know where I can find a Ravi Prasad?
Yeah, he's inside.
You'll see, we're like one big family here.
Now, the owner, Mr Massey, nice guy, very fair, but he's picky about who he hires.
Hey, Ralphy, any takers on that lime-green baby?
You wise guy.
- I still got five bucks says you'll sell it. - You're on.
We got... We got stuck with this lime-green Lincoln. Been here for months.
Mr Massey's offering a ham to the first person who can sell it.
- A ham? - Oh, yeah.
Guys are big on free meats round here.
Now, listen. Mr Massey's a little nervous.
He acted in his first on-camera TV commercial today.
And see me, Mickey Massey, a name you can trust.
Uh... Yeah, I forgot to point.
You want a deal on a previously owned car? Well, come... Charlie! Charlie!
It's me. Yeah. Commercial.
(knock at door)
You want a deal on a previously owned car? Come to Massey Motors...
Come in.
Thank you.
Yeah, I pointed the wrong way again.
- Hi, I'm Helen. - Sit. I'll be with ya in a second. Just sit.
Remember: Massey means trust.
- What'd you think of that? - I believe it.
Don't. Massey doesn't mean trust. It means hillside in French.
I can't do dishonest.
Ravi, we're reshooting that commercial.
Honest. We need an honest commercial, Ravi. All right?
- I'm sorry. Ms Helen Harris. OK. - Yes.
- How long did you work as a secretary? - Actually, I wasn't a secretary.
As it states right there, I was an executive assistant to Dominique Courier,
and I had a promise of promotion to agent.
OK.
You seem like a nice girl, Helen. And you're a friend of Ravi and Nilma's.
All right, we're looking for a receptionist.
The pay is 17.50 an hour, the hours are nine to five.
So, how does that suit you, hm?
I always thought I could have a career in used cars one day.
We don't sell used cars. Previously owned or prior-owned cars.
Prior-owned.
Now, you just have to pass one little test, OK?
(feedback)
Ravi to Parts.
(louder) Ravi to Parts. Ravi to Parts.
Ralphy to the showroom.
Yeah?
Helen to Payroll.
Hello.
She made the cover! I know this girl. I know her.
- She looks beautiful. - So how many copies d'you want?
None.
Good. Get your hands washed, guys. Hey, you, look, look, look. Hello, hello.
- Hello, sweetie. Happy Mother's Day. - (Helen) Happy Mother's Day.
- You. - Aunt Jenny, hey.
Oh, gosh. Everybody, please sit down. All right. We're going to eat right away.
So, um, did you remember to bring your letter?
- Oh, of course I did. - Mm-hm. Oh.
- Not until you show me yours. - Well, why don't we just do it after dinner?
- (dog barks) - Stay!
(whines)
What happened with the train? Was there a delay?
No, no. Audrey was making samosas at Nilma's, so we caught the next train.
Mm-hm. Just one?
Well, they were hungry so they ate them on the way.
Can I help you with something, Jenny?
You know what? I've got everything organized.
Ooh. Ooh.
Sweetie, what did Mommy say about kicking when she's having a conversation?
You need to wait until she's finished.
Thank you very much.
Did you just boss around the unborn?
It's never too early to start learning manners.
OK, kids. We're ready.
Whoa!
Wow!
- Oh, my gosh. - (Jenny) Look at that. Hey, guys.
- Holy cow. - Yeah.
- Oliver, did you wash your hands? - Yes, Mom.
Everything tastes great, honey. You shouldn't have to cook on Mother's Day.
You know I don't mind. Being a mom is the greatest job on earth.
I know your mom felt that way.
- Jenny. - What?
We all love her. We miss her. We can mention her. Can't we?
I don't like to.
(Sarah) Me neither.
You know, would you kids like to talk about what you've been reading?
- Harry Potter. - Harry Potter.
- Stuff by Shank 54. - Huh.
- That sounds interesting. Who's that? - He writes poems.
On the side of our building. With spray paint at four in the morning.
Sometimes I help when I can't sleep
because Aunt Helen's on a date or Audrey's on the Internet talking dirty
or Sarah's crying because we forgot to feed her again.
Henry.
What?
Jenny, no.
Henry, what are you talking about? Is this some kind of joke?
I don't know why you keep saying things like this.
It's not funny.
- I thought it was funny. - Thank you.
Henry was making all of that up, Jenny. Jenny, what are you doing?
"When a problem comes along you must whip it. Before the cream..."
- Jenny, give me my letter. - That's it?
That's all she left behind to explain why she chose you?
- The lyrics to "Whip lt"? - It makes sense to me.
What is it with you two and that song? It's ridiculous. I don't get it.
- Exactly! - What are you saying?
That that's the point? I'm no fun? That I don't get things? That I never make jokes?
Show me your letter.
No.
No? No? What do you mean "no"?
We said you would read my letter and I would read yours.
This is not a letter.
These are lyrics. Nonsensical lyrics. This is not a letter.
If this was a letter, you could read my letter, but this is not a letter.
(Helen) Not a letter?
What?
You are a smug,
bitter, colossal bitch.
(whines)
OK. Guys.
I think this is a good time to take Origami for a walk.
No, we'll miss the fight.
If you're finished, I think I'd like to serve dessert.
(Helen) You don't wanna help me, you just wanna judge me.
Let's all go into the living room and listen to Jasmine play the piano with one arm.
You just wanna prove that you're a better mother than me, that Lindsay was wrong.
Why would I need to prove that? Of course I'm a better mother than you.
I've been doing it forever. But does that matter? No. She still chose you over me.
Exactly. She chose, Jenny. Not me. I had no control over it.
You're angry with me because of a decision that she made for me.
‡ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is...
I am giving up everything for these kids, and you have no idea what that's like.
I don't know what it's like? How do you think I got this way?
Whatever this way is that's so particularly unfun and funny.
- Who changed your diapers? - Don't start with that.
Mom died when I was seven.
- Who fed you? Who baby-sat you? - Lindsay was there, too.
Lindsay was in New York trying to be a dancer
and I was at home not having a normal childhood
cos I was too busy being your mommy.
And you're Tra-La-La Helen.
So... free.
Miss Party-Party-All-Night-Long and I never ever got to feel like that, ever.
Not once.
I don't wanna fight any more.
Happy Mother's Day.
(referee blows whistle)
42 - foul.
- Flagrant. - (commentator) One minute left.
Maybe I can come see you DJ sometime.
I don't know, Miss Audrey. I'm not spinning no kids' birthday parties, you know?
- You got a fake ID? - Course.
Nurse Wilson says he's OK.
When's Henry gonna play, Aunt Helen?
Uh...
Hey, Coach. This isn't the NBA Finals.
What happens to "everybody plays"? Why don't you put Henry in?
3, 2, 1.
And Saint Barbara's wins.
- Excuse me. - Yes?
- Hi. Excuse me. What is your problem? - Aunt Helen, please.
I know, I... He could be one of your best players.
He doesn't wanna play so you need to square that away with him.
- You're the coach. - (Henry) Just forget about it.
I'm gonna go change.
I'm sorry that I yelled at you, Dan, but I've been battling with the kids,
I'm fighting with my sister and we're too stubborn to talk to each other.
I guess I'm just edgy.
Hey, nobody ever said it was gonna be easy. Right?
Yeah, try doing it on your own.
We got a lot of people around here who do.
Matt Higgins' mom, she took a pay cut, she works out of her house.
And Tommy Meyers' dad is with the kids all day long, then he works at night.
I mean, it's tough, but it can be done.
- Hey, you know what you need? - A nanny. But I can't afford one.
You need some fun. I'm just the man to provide it.
What are you doing on Sunday?
- Going to church, of course. - Yeah, right.
Nice try.
- You and the kids. Sunday afternoon. - What do you have in mind?
Today we're at the Central Park Zoo, where every spring a prayer is said,
blessing the animals and the newborn babies.
Pastor.
Dear Lord, we humbly ask that you bless these animals
and all your creatures throughout the world.
Blessed are you, Lord. Amen.
OK, who wants a private tour of the zoo, huh?
- (Sarah) Yeah! - (Henry) Yeah! All right, Pastor Dan.
(‡ "At the Zoo" by Simon and Garfunkel)
‡ I do believe it
‡ I do believe it's true
‡ Mm-hm-hm
‡ Whoa-oh
‡ Mm-hm-hm
‡ It's a light and tumble journey
‡ From the east side to the park
‡ Just a fine and fancy ramble to the zoo
‡ But you can take a crosstown bus if it's raining or it's cold
‡ And the animals will love it if you do
‡ If you do
‡ Something tells me it's all happening at the zoo.
- We had a really great time. - I did too. I'm glad you guys came.
- Thanks again, Pastor Dan. - Sure.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Thank you, Pastor Dan. Loved the sea lions.
Henry, give that back to her. Don't do that. That's not nice.
- He is so bad sometimes. - They're cute, though.
Listen, I'm not very good at this, so I'm just gonna ask.
You wanna go out with me sometime?
- What? - You and me, on a date.
Oh, no. I made you abandon your vows?
I know you think that I'm probably worth it, and I'm not. Go back to God.
I can't be responsible for this.
Hey, Helen. I'm a pastor. I'm a Lutheran minister. I can date.
I can get married, have kids, watch dirty movies.
- Really? - Yeah.
OK, I can't watch dirty movies, but we're pushing for it, so, you know.
- What d'you say? - I'm really flattered, Dan, but I...
I can't.
I'm sorry. I had a great day, though, today.
OK.
- Pastor Dan just asked me out. - (Audrey) That is so weird.
I can hear ya. I'm still right here, OK? Go... go inside and do that.
(sighs) Way to go, Pastor Dan.
The guy on stilts was a great gimmick. It beats balloons and bunting.
Thank you so much.
There are a couple of customers wandering outside. Focus the wanderers.
(Helen over PA) Sales associate to the parking lot, please.
Sales associate to the parking lot.
Sales associate?
Leo. The guy on stilts is looking down my shirt.
Hey! Mini-Me. Watch I don't break your kneecaps.
(Helen) Think you can reach them?
Hi. Helen Harris. Welcome to Massey Motors.
- Leo Dileo. - Pleasure.
- Ahem! - And that's Rene DeCarlo.
- Hi, Rene. - Hi.
All right, Leo, let's see if we can find you something you like. Follow me.
- You know, I bought a lot of used cars... - Previously owned.
We got a nice silver Volvo over there. It's a great family car. I mean, if you have family.
- Just a rich bachelor. - That's what I thought.
You don't want this one. Oh, wow.
I forgot we had this baby.
I think I know why. It looks like a jukebox.
Only a handful of these were made. Earmarked for special customers only.
Like in the old days when guys like Elvis Presley and Frank Sinatra
used to special-order their cars right from the factory.
- You're kidding. - Sir, three things we don't joke about:
Elvis, Sinatra and Lincolns.
But, like I said, for special customers only.
Honey, I own every hot-dog stand in Rockaway.
Not the beach, but, still, I can afford to pay well over sticker for this. And cash.
It's getting a little windy. Are you sure it's all right?
- (man) Yeah, it's OK. - OK. You sure?
You want a deal on a previously owned car? Then come to Massey Motors,
where you can see me, Mickey Massey. It's a...
(groans)
- (knocks) Mickey, Mickey. - You're not gonna believe it. She sold it.
Bye, Leo. Drive safely.
She gets a ham.
Yes, I did.
Hey, kids. I'm home.
- Do we have mustard? - I don't know. Why?
Because we got ham.
I sold a car.
- Yay, Aunt Helen! - Go long, Henry, go long.
- And she takes him down. - (Helen) You got that pigskin down.
I don't know.
OK.
Hey. What's up?
Hippo's mommy and daddy are still on vacation.
We're gonna go slice the ham.
- I'm the man, I should slice the ham. - You're no man.
- They've been gone a long time. - That's because they went really far away.
Where did they go?
Honey?
Sarah, where did they go?
Heaven.
That's right, sweetie.
That's right.
And now there's no one to give him a birthday party.
- When's Hippo's birthday? - Now.
Now?
Say "Hippo."
Hippo.
- It's a keeper. - Great.
Vince, thanks again for doing this on such short notice.
You're sure hanging out with a new crowd these days.
Yeah, well, tonight is a very special night. You see, it's Hippo's...
Excuse me, the VIPs. Excuse me.
Hey, Vince. We're here to celebrate. Devon just got the new Polo campaign.
Yeah, he's the Ralph Lauren underwear guy.
(Vince) Congratulations.
Hey, Devon. Congrats.
- Are you ready for your dessert? - Yes, please.
- Can I get you coffee or tea? - Ooh, can I get a cappuccino, please?
- Decaf. And I'll have a real one. - OK.
And I'll have a Singapore Sling.
Hey, Jerome. Excuse me, Jerome.
Hi. Do you think you could sing "Happy Birthday"?
- Who's the birthday kid? - Actually, it's Hippo's birthday.
- You want me to sing to a Hippo? - Yeah.
- I'll take care of it. - Thank you.
All right. What do we got? Skulls.
Another round of double-cherry Shirley Temples.
Oh, no, no. At 12.50 a pop, I don't think so.
And this is for you, Helen. Compliments of the gentleman right over there.
Thank you.
- OK, here we go. - (Audrey) Oh, wow.
(Jerome) For the hippo.
(makes beatbox noises)
(raps) Happy birthday
to you
Aw, yeah. Happy birthday to you
Hip-pa-pa-Hip-pa-pa-Hippo
Happy
Birthday
to
you
(all) Yay!
- Yay. Blow out the candle. - (Helen, Audrey and Henry) Yay!
- (Helen) Wait! Nilma! - Everybody get in the car.
- Wait. I forgot the money for their lunch. - No, no. I packed lunch. I packed lunch.
If they wanna buy a book or something...
You relax. You're a free woman. Go and have fun.
We should be back at five o'clock from the museum.
(Helen) Have fun.
Hi, Helen. You wanna play some dominoes with me and Artie over sandwiches?
Oh, no. I got so much I have to do. Thank you.
Well, maybe another time.
(‡ jazz)
(church bell strikes)
- Helen. - Hey.
I'm... I'm fine. I was just, um...
Trying to see if you had the nerve to drop in on me, after you gave me the Heisman?
- What? - Heisman. Whoa, back off.
Oh. I know, but...
- Are you free? - What?
- Are you free? - No. Actually, I'm not.
Got a lunch date.
You can come with me, though.
(‡ "Get Ready For This" by 2 Unlimited)
Pastor Dan, the holy goalie, just checked Father Rodriguez.
(commentator) We have a guest referee with us today, ladies and gentlemen.
He's a ten-year veteran of the Ice Capades.
Mr Scotty Buttons.
We got your back.
Score is still six to six.
Goal by Rabbi Levine.
(‡ organ plays "Hava Nagila")
Yeah!
Join us next week when the Clergy of the Cloth take on the Storming Mormons.
There were literally four people living in a shoebox apartment
cos they couldn't make the rent. It's so expensive. It's ridiculous.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I had a really wonderful time.
Dan.
I'm sorry. It's a little weird, don't you think?
What? Because I'm a pastor?
Well, you know, I usually get the freaky women who are turned on by it
or the guilt-ridden ones who can't get over it.
You don't think I'm sexy?
- Cos I'm not a party-hopping kinda guy? - I didn't say that.
Stop it.
Let me tell you something.
I got news for you, little lady.
I'm sexy.
Yeah. I'm a sexy man of God,
and I know it.
Hold it.
Now, that was kinda sexy.
Um, Nilma,
have you met the principal of our school?
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
- I gotta go. Thank you. - Yeah. Thank you.
So, uh... I guess we're all getting As.
- Yeah! - (Helen) All right, OK.
(Audrey) Go, Helen! Go, Helen!
(‡ "Sweetest Pain" by Haylie Duff)
‡ I'm a fool for you, baby A fool for your love
‡ I'm just a fool for you, baby There's something about us
‡ I'm just a fool for you, baby
‡ And nothing's gonna change
‡ And maybe it's my sweetest pain
‡ My sweetest pain
‡ Fool for you, baby It's driving me nuts
‡ Uh-uh-uh-uh
‡ Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh
- It's really not that big of a deal, Dan. - Hey, she was caught making out with BZ.
- OK, not so good. - While cutting class.
- Also not so good. - In a balcony in my church.
How can I come down on her
for something we were caught doing a few days ago?
Because you're the adult and she's the child.
She's gotta know you're serious. Kids need boundaries. You know that.
But, Aunt Helen, it's a big deal that a senior asked me to the prom.
I mean, what do you want me to do? Find another senior?
Yes.
Audrey, I wanna treat you like an adult, but I do not want you to go to the prom with BZ.
If you go with him, I'll be very disappointed.
- OK. - OK.
- So, will you help me find a dress? - Yes, I'll find you a dress.
OK.
- In the balcony of the church? - Seemed like a good idea at the time.
- You are so going to hell. - Hey.
Spider.
OK. Cradle.
All right, guys. Shoot.
Whoo!
OK. Hit the showers.
Henry, pick up the balls.
Hey. Gimme one of those.
Come on.
Let's go. Take a shot.
Come on. You gotta get fired up for your game.
I am. Can't you tell?
(sarcastically) Yahoo.
Oh, Henry.
OK. Henry?
Let's talk.
You used to love to play sports.
Sit down.
You and your dad used to play basketball till it was too dark to even see the hoop.
Even when I missed, he'd always count it.
He called it "Giving me the benefit of the dark."
- It's OK to smile about it. - No, it's not.
- And it's OK to play sports. - No.
- Why? - Because he can't play any more.
Because everyone kept saying Mom and Dad are up in heaven
and they're looking down on us always.
Well, if he is, I'm not gonna make him feel bad about not playing.
Like if you're having a good time without him, you're rubbing it in?
Yeah.
Henry. The only thing sadder than them not being here
is knowing that by not being here, you're not doing what you love.
- They want you to be happy. - But then it's like I'm just forgetting them.
No, it's not.
No.
Cos every time you smile,
or laugh,
or enjoy your life,
it makes their dreams come true.
Besides, if they are looking down,
you really want them to be stuck watching a lousy game?
No. My dad hates a lousy game.
Come on.
Yeah!
Yes. I am the senior-class treasurer. And I just...
I want to say that I'm very honored to be taking Audrey to my prom tonight.
I want you to know that.
Thank you.
Breathe.
Hey. Take a look. I got a wig on.
(Audrey) I'm gonna come out now.
How do I look?
You look just like your mother.
Thank you, Peter.
- OK. We're gonna go. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I wanna... We have to have a picture.
OK, get closer. Smile.
All right, welcome to the senior prom - Bridges of Friendship.
Coming up next: ladies' choice.
I hear there's actually some punch in the vodka.
(DJ) Guys, your choice later.
- Who is it? - (Dan) Prom king.
(giggles)
Hey, I thought we could have our own little prom. Where's the little kids at?
They're sleeping.
Doesn't the principal have to police the prom?
Don't worry. LaGambina's looking out for Audrey.
What is this?
(‡ "Feels Like Rain" by John Hiatt)
‡ Down here the river
‡ Meets the sea
‡ And in the sticky heat I feel you
‡ Open up to me
‡ Love comes...
(phone rings)
- I should get it. - OK.
Hello.
What?
Uh... What? I-I'm sorry.
Can you hear me now? Yes. This is Mrs LaGambina.
Yeah, hi. I don't mean to worry you, but Audrey's not here.
She arrived with Peter, but she seems to have gone off with BZ.
I understand. Thank you for calling.
Dan. That was the school. Audrey left the prom with BZ.
And they overheard some kids saying BZ was bragging about taking her to a motel.
- What motel? - They wouldn't say.
OK. They're gonna tell me. Just come here.
- I just... It's just that I knew it. - Don't worry.
I'll call you from the prom. Don't worry.
Audrey.
(grunts in frustration)
Ed, do you know that a lot of celebrities are knitting now? Isn't that interesting?
- (phone rings) - Wow.
- Hello. - Ed. It's Helen.
I need Jenny.
It's Helen.
Really?
Hello?
- Hey. - What have you found out?
Thank you.
- So what do you know? - Nothing yet.
Dan's at the gym, trying to see if he can get something out of BZ's friends.
No. Thank you for your time.
Jenny, we have called over 20 motels. BZ has a car, he could be anywhere.
They could be in the middle of Ronkonkoma for all we know.
- Did you let her have a credit card? - No.
OK. What about your credit cards? Check your wallet.
I'm having a banana.
- My Visa's gone. - OK.
I'm gonna call Visa and check your recent activity. If she's used it, they'll know where.
- Quite the detective. - No, I'm a mom.
- I need your help, Nilma. - Let me at 'em.
No, no. Could you watch Henry and Sarah, please? I'll explain later.
(Nilma) Ravi, just watch the kids. I'm going to help Helen again, OK?
Look, if you don't tell me, I'm gonna suspend your asses so long,
you're gonna be getting social security when you graduate.
Where are they?
Jenny, I'm sorry you had to come all the way out.
It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.
(phone rings)
- Audrey? - Helen. I know where they are.
Dan. So do we. We're halfway there.
OK. I'll meet you.
No, no. This is something I have to do by myself.
- I should come with you. - Dan, please. Pretty... (phone cuts out)
Hello?
We're getting closer. It's just down the street.
(Jenny) There it is.
- (man) I don't know. I don't know, lady. - (Jenny) Gimme the key.
(man) Look, there's laws against these things.
(Jenny) There's laws against renting rooms to minors. Now gimme the key.
- (man) I don't want any trouble, now. - Gimme the key.
- I need that key back. Don't forget it. - What? Do you think I wanna live here?
I'd rather sleep in a field, you crazy man. Come on.
- Now, he said they're in 205, OK? - OK.
- You gotta go in there both guns blazing. - I know.
- Rip 'em a new one, OK? - I know. I got it.
- Take charge and get her outta there. - OK.
(whispers) OK, so just say "housekeeping" or something, get the door open.
I can't do it.
What?
I can't do this. I can't go in there. She's gonna hate me.
- She's gonna hate you if you don't. - I can't do it.
Jenny, I'm not you, OK? I can't do it.
Please, just...
Please.
OK. OK.
(knocks)
- Housekeeping. - We're already asleep.
Could you come back in the morning, please?
Aunt Jenny. What are you doing here? How did you find...
You have ten seconds to get your things together and get in the car.
Stay. Ten...
You're not my mother, if you haven't noticed.
No. But I love you very much
and I will be your worst nightmare if you don't get in that car now.
- Seven, six... - But we're not ready to go yet.
You're not ready? Well... Well, are you ready for this?
I don't think so. Are you ready to be a parent?
I don't think so.
Four,
three...
Are you happy? You just ruined my entire life.
Well, we'll fix it later.
Two...
- You. - Chill out, Mommy.
- Hey. - It's all good.
- Don't you talk to me like that. - It's just prom.
You listen to me. If you ever so much as blink in her direction again,
I can and will bury you so far in the ground
that the heat from the earth's core will incinerate your sorry ass.
- Do you understand me? - Yes, ma'am.
By the way, you're not a bad person,
but this is very bad behavior.
Very bad behavior.
(Audrey, crying) Go away. I'm never speaking to either of you.
She's gonna be fine. She's gonna be just fine.
It was so nice to meet you. And thank you for your help.
- Sure. - So. Come here.
So I'll just come pack up the kids in the morning, and, um...
You're doing the right thing.
You are.
OK.
So good night.
Good night, Jenny.
You want me to make you a cup of tea?
No, thanks.
I think it would be best for me if you just go.
Why?
I'm not a mom.
I'm not girlfriend material. I'm not brave.
I'm not anything you need.
- Hey, Helen. - No, please.
Don't.
Please, Dan.
(door opens and closes)
OK. So, then, if you wanna come on Sunday, great, and you just figure that out.
All right? And then say goodbye to the kids.
Hey.
You make sure Hippo has a night-light so he doesn't get scared in the dark, OK?
- Henry. - Don't worry about it.
OK.
I know you're mad.
I'd be mad too.
But, really, Audrey, I'm only thinking of you.
I got you guys something.
I thought you might like it.
That's darling.
OK, say goodbye to Helen.
Ibsen wrote, "Not all women are meant to be mothers."
And I have to say, I agree with him. Fashion and family do not mix.
But, you know, there can be exceptions.
Exceptions?
- Would you like some tea? - No, thank you. Exceptions like...?
Tinka.
She wants you to be her agent, of all things.
And, as she is one of our biggest earners right now, well...
I want you back.
(‡ "Thinking Over" by Dana Glover)
Press on this thing. Makes that big boom sound. Softer. OK? Softer.
Thanks.
‡ And I'm running out of time
‡ I can feel that it's the season
‡ It's time to make up my mind
‡ And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
‡ There are so many thoughts in my head
‡ There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
‡ So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
‡ I'm thinking over the things
- Hey, Helen. - Hey.
You calling it a night or want to go eat?
No, I'm just gonna go home.
‡ Thinking over
‡ Thinking over the things that you've said
‡ I'm thinking over
‡ Thinking over
‡ Thinking over the things
‡ Am I ready for forever?
‡ Oh, God, show me a sign
‡ Cos if we're to be together
‡ Then it's got to be divine
‡ And I can't really tell ya
‡ What I'm gonna do
‡ Cos there are so many thoughts in my head
‡ There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
‡ So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
‡ I'm thinking over the things
‡ Thinking over
‡ Thinking over the things that you've said
‡ And I'm thinking over
‡ Thinking over
‡ Only you know if he's the one for me
‡ So many thoughts in my head
‡ There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
‡ I'm thinking over
(man on TV) Mm-mm. Smells like sunshine.
Hi, I'm Mickey Massey. Um... I've been married for a long time now,
but my wife and I don't have any children, so my cars became my babies.
I know. That sounds obsessive.
But you don't know the joy I feel when I find them a good home.
I mean, look at these beauties. What's not to love?
Massey Motors. Come visit us. I love my cars. And you will, too.
(man #2) Massey Motors. In Queens.
(announcer) Now back to the Saturday six o'clock movie.
- (phone rings) - Phone call, Mr Massey. It's your wife.
Thank you. Thank you, Sharon. Hello, Diane.
Oh, please. I look like I always do.
Good night, Tim. Thank you very much.
Sure I will... Hold on a minute.
- Hi. - Helen, you've come back to work.
Oh, no. No. Mickey, I need to borrow a car desperately. It's an emergency.
- Sure. Use one of the test drives. - OK.
Hey, you were great on TV.
Sure, I looked great, but did I sell any cars? I'm sorry.
- Eddie, I need this car. - You can't take this car. It's Mr Massey's...
I know, but it's the only one with a full tank of gas. I have to go.
What movie star did I look like? Well...
Helen, I think you misunderstood.
Ed. Ed, who do we know with a Jaguar?
Could be a celebrity coming to knit with you.
- (dog barks) - Origami, Origami. Shh.
- (doorbell) - Origami.
Helen.
- I'm here for my kids. - OK. I'm listening.
I don't know who I am any more without them. I need them and I want them back.
OK, let me see if I've got that.
You need them because you want them,
because you don't know who you are without them.
See, all I'm hearing is "you, you, you."
But this can't be about you. It has to be about them.
What don't you understand? I love those kids.
Whether or not you love them was never the question.
It was whether or not you could raise them.
The power to take the kids back is yours.
This is not a power struggle between you and me.
This is me asking you to do the right thing for everyone.
The kids aren't packed. It's too late for them to go anywhere tonight, anyway.
Ed, can you let Origami out?
Come on. The bases are loaded. Jeter's up.
(Origami barks)
I'll be right back. Ed.
I mean, don't you hear him?
Hi.
Hey, Henry, Audrey. I miss you guys.
- You guys heard all that? - Yeah, we did.
Hey, you left Irwin back at our place. Why?
It's not really Irwin.
My Irwin had a skull and crossbones that I drew on his stomach.
Why didn't you say something?
Seemed you didn't want me to know.
Sarah, honey, why don't you go play with turtle and figure out a name for him?
I just couldn't stand the idea of you losing something else you cared so much about.
Can I put him in a bowl?
Yeah.
Sarah, you wanna help Henry with the turtle?
Can I name him Hippo?
Why do you want to name everything Hippo?
Because I can spell it.
Audrey, sweetie, can you do me a favor and get me your wallet?
Why?
Could you just do it, please?
Open it up and give me your fake ID.
- Why? - Because I said so, that's why.
I'm not gonna give it to you. I'm not a child.
Yes, you are.
You are a child, Audrey, and you have a right to a childhood
and you should fight for it. But if you won't, then I will. Now, give me your ID.
That was very adult of you.
You tricked me. I thought you were on my side, but you're just like her.
I hate you.
Do you hear me? I hate you.
Well,
I'm just gonna have to live with that.
Well, we don't have to decide this tonight.
Jenny. What are you doing?
At first, I didn't agree with this letter,
but...
Sit down.
No, I think I'll swing. In fact, you know what they say?
- What? - It's not over till the fat lady swings.
See? I can make a joke.
"Dear Jenny,
if you're reading this, you know that I am gone,
and I asked Helen to be the guardian for the kids."
(Lindsay's voice) And you're probably freaked about it.
Yes, it's a surprising choice,
considering that you are the most incredible mother I've ever known.
If you find this letter odd, understand that my always-be-prepared Paul
convinced me to write it now, while our children are young.
(Sarah makes popping sound)
You must know from experience that when it comes to picking
somebody else to raise your kids,
no one seems right.
No one is you.
(mouths)
And so you choose someone who is most like you.
(mouths)
Someone that will give the kids a taste of their real mom.
The mom they lost and never really got to know.
In so many ways, we are so much alike.
That's why I chose Helen.
They're all yours.
Of course, she'll have lots of fights with the kids,
yet she'll find a way to make up.
Welcome to the mamahood.
I know sometimes she messes things up and makes big mistakes.
On the other hand, she also makes big comebacks.
Respect her, Jenny. Give her a shot.
We're family, and I'm counting on you to keep everyone together.
I know Helen will certainly need some help
learning how to be a mother to my kids,
but I've got you for that,
and who could be better?
OK.
After all, you raised Helen.
You'll teach her how to be a mom. Just like you taught her how to tie her shoes.
I can still hear you telling her:
"The bunny goes around the tree and into the burrow."
Pull tight.
Yes!
(Henry) It's about time, Sarah.
(‡ "Whip It" by Devo)
‡ Before the cream sits out too long, you must whip it
‡ Now whip it into shape
‡ Shape it up, get it straight
‡ Go forward, move ahead
‡ Try to detect it, it's not too late
‡ To whip it, whip it good
(‡ "Feels Like Rain" by John Hiatt)
‡ Down here the river
‡ Meets the sea
‡ And in the sticky heat I feel you open up to me
‡ Love comes outta nowhere, baby
‡ Just like a hurricane
‡ And it feels like rain
(‡ "A Love Like This" by Mark McGrath)
‡ There's a love that I'm feeling when I look in your eyes
‡ It's the same way I'm feeling when you're looking in mine
‡ All the stars form a circle around you and I
‡ Without you there's nothing
‡ There's one thing you should know
‡ As we sit here all alone
‡ Just come in close, there's something I should say
‡ I been thinking, wishing, hoping, praying
‡ In your heart is where I'm staying
‡ A love like this doesn't happen too much
‡ Even less than never like the sun and moon together
‡ A love like this, oh
‡ I've been thinking, wishing, hoping, praying
‡ In your heart is where I'm staying
‡ A love like this doesn't happen too much
‡ Doesn't happen too much
(‡ "Extraordinary" by Liz Phair)
‡ I am extraordinary
‡ If you'd ever get to know me
‡ I am extraordinary
‡ I am just your ordinary
‡ Average everyday sane psycho supergoddess
‡ Average everyday sane psycho
‡ You may not believe in me
‡ But I believe in you
‡ So I still take the trash out
‡ Does that make me too normal for you?
‡ So dig a little deeper
‡ Cos you still don't get it yet
‡ See me licking my lips, need a primitive fix
‡ And I'll make, I'll make you love me
‡ I am extraordinary
‡ I am just your ordinary
(‡ "Sister Sunshine" by Five For Fighting)
‡ Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
‡ You've been living in the sky, are you ever gonna come on down?
‡ Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
‡ Show me love
‡ I prayed though I've never been a God man
‡ You never know, maybe it just might mean something
‡ I switched back, see if anything was going right
‡ The washer called me and bled me off
‡ Said, "You're gonna save one, better save yourself"
‡ "And you'll never know me till you find your own piece of life"
‡ Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
‡ You've been living in the sky, are you ever gonna come on down?
‡ Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
‡ You've been living in the sky, are you ever gonna come on down?
‡ Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
‡ You've been living in the sky, are you ever gonna come on down?
‡ Hey, yeah, sister sunshine
Ripped by: dj-oRi