>> START THE CLOCK.
â™ª â™ª
>> RIGHT HERE.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: I KNOW, I KNOW, I
KNOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
FIRST, THE FAKE APPLAUSE, THEN
THE REAL ONES.
THAT IS WHAT THE GUY TOLD US TO
DO, AND WE REALLY LIKE YOU.
I KNOW WHY YOU ARE EXCITED, IT
IS DONALD TRUMP'S BIRTHDAY --
[BOOS]
THEY HAD A BIG PARTY, CAKE,
CANDLES, AND THEY PLAYED THEIR
FAVORITE GAME,
"PIN-THE-BLAME-ON-THE-MEXICANS."
[LAUGHTER]
73.
73 HE IS, AND REMARKABLE AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS, STILL A NATURAL
BLONDE.
[LAUGHTER]
73, AND THIS WEEK, WENT AFTER
BIDEN ON AGE.
HE SAID BIDEN LOOKS DIFFERENT
THAN HE USED TO COME IN FLYING
BIDEN HAS HAD WORK DONE.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, WITH
23 CANDIDATES IN THE DEMOCRATIC
RACE, THE LAST THING THE
DEMOCRATS NEED IS A NEW FACE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THE PRESIDENT DID NOT GET GOOD
POLL NUMBERS FOR HIS BIRTHDAY,
HE'S KIND OF TANKING THERE.
MAY EXPLAIN WHY THEY ARE MOVING
UP THE WAR IN IRAN.
PCMAG?
TWO OIL TANKERS WERE ATTACKED
AND MY GOAL, AND DONALD TRUMP
SAID HE IS READY TO POINT NAMES
AND BLAME FINGERS.
[LAUGHTER]
THERE IS A GRAINY VIDEO OF A
SMALL BOAT THAT IS DOING
SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER]
NEAR THE TANKER, AND TRUMP SAYS
THIS PROVES IT HAS TO BE AROUND,
WHO ELSE HAS THAT TECHNOLOGY?
A SMALL BOAT?
TRUMP SAID "DO I HAVE TO SPELL
IT OUT, BECAUSE YOU KNOW I CAN'T
DO THAT."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NO, NO, HE IS PISSED.
THERE WAS NO WAY AROUND IS GOING
TO ESCAPE DONALD TRUMP'S
WRATH UNLESS THEY WRITE A
BEAUTIFUL LETTER.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT, RIGHT?
IF HE WROTE A LETTER THAT SAID
"I THOUGHT I WAS SUPREME, BUT
WHEN I SAW YOU, DONALD TRUMP" --
[LAUGHTER]
IS A LITTLE MURKY WHO ATTACKED
WHO, WHAT HAPPENED.
WE FIRST SAID IT WAS A MINE, AND
THEN THE TANKER PROVED IT WAS A
FLYING OBJECT, SO THAT RULES OUT
A BOEING 737.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WE RULED OUT SAUDI ARABIA
BECAUSE IT WASN'T STABBED TO
DEATH, SO WE DON'T KNOW --
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IN OTHER NEWS, THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, WHO FOR THE
PAST TWO YEARS HAVE BEEN
SCREAMING "NO COLLUSION" EVERY
FUCKING SECOND HE CAN, "GOOD
NEWS MORNING, NO COLLUSION" EMMA
WENT ON STEPHANOPOULOS' SHOW AND
SAID "YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK IT,
COLLUSION."
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S LIKE GWEN STEFANI SAYING
"YOU KNOW WHAT, I AM A HOLLABACK
GIRL, I'M GOOD WITH THAT."
[LAUGHTER]
TRUMP SAID HE ACCEPTED HELP FROM
A FOREIGN COUNTRY TO GET DIRT ON
HIS OPPONENT, AND HE WOULD TAKE
IT AGAIN.
AND HE WOULDN'T CALL THE FBI.
DEMOCRATS WERE SO SHOCKED, THEY
ALMOST TOOK A STAND ON
IMPEACHMENT.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS WAS PRETTY
SHOCKED.
HE SAID I HAD NEVER WITNESSED A
BIGGER STAIN IN THE OVAL OFFICE,
AND I WORKED FOR CLINTON.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOW, OF COURSE, THE REPUBLICAN
REACTION WAS SWIFT AND SEVERE --
I'M JOKING, OF COURSE.
I LOVE IT.
ALL THEY CARED ABOUT -- [LAUGHS]
TRUMP ADMITTED TO TREASON AND
BEING A CRIMINAL, THAT'S OLD
NEWS.
THEY WERE UPSET HE BROKE THE
FIRST RULE OF THE FASCIST CLUB:
HE WENT OUTSIDE OF FOX NEWS.
LAURA INGRAHAM SAID "WHY DID
ANYBODY PUT TRUMP IN THAT
SITUATION?"
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S AN INTERVIEW WITH THE
PRESIDENT.
I'M NOT PUTTING A BABY ON A
HORSE.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND, OF COURSE, TRUMP HAS MANY
TYPES OF LIES.
TODAY CAME THE ONE I HATE THE
MOST, THE RIDICULOUS, INSULTING,
WALK-BACK LIE HE TELLS WHEN HE
SAYS SOMETHING RIDICULOUS, AND
THE NEXT DAY, PULLING THIS OUT
OF MY ASS.
BARELY BOTHERING TO MAKE SENSE,
FUCK-YOU LIVE.
HE WAS ON FOX & FRIENDS DOING
THIS FOR ALMOST AN HOUR.
TO GET OFF THE PHONE, THEY HAD
TO PRETEND THERE WAS SOMEONE AT
THE DOOR.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY DON'T CARE.
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF
THIS PURITY TRUMP'S ATTITUDE
ABOUT SUBPOENAS IS "I DON'T DO
SUBPOENAS."
THEY GOT A PICTURE OF HIM THE
OTHER DAY WALKING UP TO
AIR FORCE ONE, THE STEPS, HE HAD
A SUBPOENA STUCK TO THE BOTTOM
OF HIS SHOE.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THANK YOU ALL FOR PUTTING ON
A BRAVE FACE TONIGHT.
I KNOW YOU MUST BE UPSET,
BECAUSE I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD,
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHO REINVENTED THE JOB OF
PRESS SECRETARY BY NOT DOING IT.
SARAH SAYS SHE IS STEPPING DOWN,
BUT OF COURSE, THAT IS HER, SO
WHO KNOWS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT YOU KNOW, WHEN ONE DOOR
CLOSES, ANOTHER ONE OPENS.
TRUMP ACTUALLY SAID SHE COULD
RUN FOR THE GOVERNOR OF ARKANSA.
SO MAYBE IT IS THAT.
SHE IS ALSO LAUNCHING A NEW
SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM "RESTING
BITCH FACEBOOK."
AND SHE IS TAKING A POSITION ON
THE BOARD AT THE BURGER KING,
BECAUSE WHO HAS MORE EXPERIENCE
WITH WHOPPERS?
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW.
ELIOT SPITZER, BARI WEISS,
CHARLIE SYKES ARE HERE.
THE GREAT MARTIN SHORT IS BACK.
FIRST UP, HE IS A PULITZER
PRIZE-WINNING COLUMNIST FOR
"THE WASHINGTON POST" FROM HIS
LATEST BOOK IS A
"THE CONSERVATIVE SENSIBILITY."
I WOULD SAY HE IS PART OF A
DYING BREED, THE TRUE
INTELLECTUAL CONSERVATIVE
INTELLECTUAL, GEORGIA WILL,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
[APPLAUSE]
GEORGE.
GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> FIND.
>> Bill: YOUR BOOK, AGAIN,
AMAZING TO READ.
EVEN WHEN I DON'T AGREE WITH
YOU.
SOMETIMES I THINK YOU ARE YOUR
OWN WORST ENEMY, BECAUSE OF THIS
GUY CAN CONVINCE ME, I CAN'T BE
TURNED.
AND I CAN'T BE ON SOME OF YOUR
POINTS.
AS I READ THIS BOOK, I AM LIKE,
WHO IS THIS FOR?
BECAUSE THERE ARE SO FEW OPEN
MINDS ANYMORE.
THESE DAYS.
I GET IT, YOU ARE TRYING TO
CONVINCE PEOPLE WHO MIGHT HAVE
AN OPEN MIND, BUT DOES THAT
BOTHER YOU WHEN YOU ARE WRITING
SOMETHING?
>> NO, I THINK BOOKS DON'T
MATTER, I KNOW WITH THE NEW
MEDIA ABOUT IT, BUT I STILL
THINK BOOKS MATTER, AND I'M
CONVINCED THE NUMBER OF
AMERICANS WHO BELIEVE SOMETHING
IS BADLY WRONG WITH OUR -- WHEN
YOU'RE PRESIDENTS OF BOTH
PARTIES WAR WITHOUT CONGRESS,
PRESIDENTS OF BOTH PARTIES -- IN
THE POWER NOT TO IMPOSE TAXES
AND REWRITE IMMIGRATION LAW, ALL
ON THEIR OWN.
>> Bill: YOU DON'T MENTION
DONALD TRUMP.
>> I DON'T MENTION DORIS DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS IS A BOOK ABOUT IDEAS.
>> Bill: YOU SAID IT IS A BOOK
ABOUT IDEAS, WHICH, YES.
YOU KNOW, SHE DIED RECENTLY.
OKAY.
IDEAS AND CONSERVATIVE, BUT YOU
SAY HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
EITHER ONE.
BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS,
CONSERVATIVISM, YOU'RE MAKING
YOUR CASE AS YOU HAVE SO
ELOQUENTLY FOR SO LONG, BUT I
CAN'T REALLY PICTURE A
DEMOCRATIC DONALD TRUMP.
IF CONSERVATIVISM IS SO GREAT,
HOW DID IT GIVE RISE TO
DONALD TRUMP?
>> WELL, IDEAS HAVE
CONSEQUENCES, AND SO DOES THE
ABSENCE OF IDEAS.
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY BECAME
FIXATED ON SIMPLY OPPOSING
DEMOCRATS, JUST AS A LOT OF
DEMOCRATS ARE FIXATED ON
OPPOSING REPUBLICANS.
AND WARNING TO THE DEMOCRATS --
23 OR 24 ON STAGE, THERE WERE 18
WITH REPUBLICANS ON THE MOST
ALLURING STOOD OUT.
>> Bill: ARE IN SOME THE
REPUBLICAN IDEAS OF RECENT
DANGEROUS, ANTISCIENCE, AND I AM
INTELLECTUAL, SOMEWHAT RACIST?
THEY SEEM TO ONE RECOLLECTIONS
BASED ON THAT.
WHY DID THAT TAKE ROOT IN THE
CONSERVATIVE PARTY?
>> BECAUSE THE CONSERVATIVE
PARTY BECAME FIXATED ON WHAT I
CALL "CRYBABY CONSERVATIVISM,"
THE VICTIM ANALOGY THAT THEY
LEARNED PARTLY FROM THE LEFT, WE
ARE VICTIMS OF MEDIA,
HOLLYWOOD ACADEMIA, ET CETERA.
WHEN YOU BECOME FIXATED ON THAT,
YOU DECIDE ELITES ARE BAD, AND
ONCE YOU DECIDE THAT ALL ELITES
ARE BAD, YOU DECIDE THAT
MEDIOCRITY MIGHT BE A GOOD
THING.
THE QUESTION IN SOCIETY IS NEVER
WHETHER ELITES SHOULD RULE, IT'S
WHICH ELITES ARE GOING TO RULE?
AND THE PROBLEM OF DEMOCRACY IS
TO GET CONSENT TO WORTHY ELITES.
>> Bill: I WOULD AGREE WITH
YOU.
A LOT OF REPUBLICANS HAVE GOTTEN
ON BOARD WITH VICTIMOLOGY,
ESPECIALLY THE PRESIDENT THAT I
CALLED HIM A WHINY LITTLE BITCH
MANY TIMES.
[APPLAUSE]
BUT YOU'VE SAID, YES, LIBERALS
WERE THE PEOPLE WHO SORT OF GOT
ON BOARD WITH FINDING NEW PEOPLE
WHO WORK ON MY THINKING YOUR
WORDS, HURT, GREED, AND LEFT
BEHIND.
THE PEOPLE DEMOCRATS ARE USUALLY
CHAMPIONING, AREN'T THEY
LITERALLY HURT, GRIEVED, AND
USUALLY LEFT BEHIND?
WOMEN, MINORITIES, HOMOSEXUALS?
ISN'T THERE A RATIONALE TO THAT?
>> THERE IS A RATIONALE TO THAT,
BUT MANY PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR
DONALD TRUMP, 402 COUNTIES IN
THIS COUNTRY THAT VOTED FOR
OBAMA IN '12, AND TRUMP IN '16.
THE DEMOCRATS OUGHT TO BE
SPENDING A LOT OF TIME THERE.
THAT A GOOD HOWARD COUNTY, IOWA.
HOWARD COUNTY, IOWA, VOTED BY 21
POINTS FOR OBAMA IN '12, BY 20
POINTS FOR TRUMP IN '16 PIER
THAT'S A 41 POINTS WING.
WHAT IS UP?
THAT IS WHAT DEMOCRATS HAD TO
FIGURE OUT.
>> Bill: NIGHT.
I WANT TO GET TO THE OUTCOME OF
TOXIC D.
I TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME,
YOU MENTIONED IT YOURSELF.
I WAS READING SOME OF THE THINGS
YOU SAID, YOU ARE ON MSNBC THE
OTHER NIGHT.
YOU SAID YOU KEEP IN YOUR POCKET
A CARD.
WHY, IN SO MANY STATES, IS THE D
SO TOXIC THAT PEOPLE WILL VOTE
FOR ALMOST ANYBODY BUT?
AND I'M WITH YOU ON SOME OF
THESE.
YOU SAID I KEEP A CARD IN MY
POCKET, ALL OF THE THINGS THAT
THESE DEMOCRATS SAY THAT BECAUSE
THE AMERICAN PUBLIC TO SAY THESE
PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.
>> I'M GOING TO NEED A BIGGER
CARD.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: OKAY, BUT LIKE MY
TERRORISTS IN PRISON SHOULD BE
ALLOWED TO VOTE, I GET IT.
OH, WE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE.
END PRIVATE HEALTH INSURANCE,
RIGHT.
PACK THE SUPREME COURT -- AGAIN,
THAT IDEA.
BUT THEN, ABOLISH THE ELECTORAL
COLLEGE?
>> WELL, INTELLIGENT PEOPLE OF
GOODWILL CAN DISAGREE ABOUT THE
VALUE OF THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE,
BUT WHY ARE DEMOCRATS SPENDING
ALL THIS TIME ON SOMETHING THEY
KNOW WILL NOT HAPPEN?
THE REASON THEY WANT TO ABOLISH
ELECTORAL COLLEGE IS A GIVES
UNDUE WEIGHT IN THEIR JUDGMENT
TO THE LEAST POPULOUS STATES.
13 OF WHOM ARE ALMOST REQUIRED
FOR A CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT.
>> Bill: WANTED TO DO
SOMETHING FOR SOMETHING THAT
ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN, 20, 30,
40 YEARS IN THE FUTURE -- IT
WILL APPEAR THAT IS WHAT
REPUBLICANS AND CONSERVATIVES
ARE SO MUCH BETTER AT THAN THE
DEMOCRATS -- HAVING AN IDEA,
PUTTING IT IN THEIR THINK TANKS.
RONALD RAGAN WAS UNTHINKABLE IN
1964, THAT HE WAS PRESIDENT IN
1980.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SITUATION
ITSELF?
NOT JUST THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE,
IN EIGHT STATES, BY 2040, WILL
HAVE HALF THE POPULATION.
JUST EIGHT STATES.
THAT MEANS THERE WILL BE 16
SENATORS FOR ONE HALF OF AMERICA
AND 84 FOR THE OTHER HALF.
THAT CAN'T BE WITH THE FOUNDERS
HAD IN MIND.
>> I THINK IT IS EXACTLY WITH
THE FOUNDERS HAD IN MIND,
BECAUSE --
>> Bill: I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY WERE SMOKING.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
>> THEY WERE SMOKING VIRGINIA
TOBACCO, AND WHAT THEY WANTED
WAS A CONSTITUTION THAT WOULD
PRESERVE THE FEDERAL NATURE OF
OUR SYSTEM.
IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE, UNDER
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE, WE HAVE
51 DIRECT ELECTIONS OF THE
PRESIDENT, THEY JUST HAPPEN TO
BE IN STATES AND THE DISTRICT OF
COLUMBIA.
>> Bill: SEEMS LIKE WE ARE
PUNISHING PEOPLE IN CITIES,
WHERE THE POPULATION IS, IN
FAVOR OF LAND -- AND I DON'T
KNOW -- CROWS.
AFTER
I KEEP SAYING THIS, BUT WE
THERE 40 MILLION PEOPLE WHO GET
TWO SENATORS IN CALIFORNIA AND
THE DAKOTA TERRITORY GETS FOUR?
[APPLAUSE]
I MEAN, WE NEED A SOUTH DAKOTA?
THE REDUNDANT STATE ON THE
LICENSE PLATE.
>> THE FOUNDERS BELIEVED -- AND
SOME OF US STILL BELIEVE, THAT
BEING A FEDERAL PUBLIC IS A GOOD
IDEA AND STATES SHOULD MAKE
PRESIDENTIAL DECISIONS TO
REAFFIRM THE IMPORTANCE OF
STATES, AS, IN A GOOD
PROGRESSIVE'S LOOK AT
VOCABULARY, LOUIS BRANDEIS, AS
LABORATORIES OF DEMOCRACY.
WE WANT MORE VIGOROUS, MORE
LOCALISM IN OUR POLITICS.
>> Bill: OKAY, AND YOUR BOOK
TALKS ABOUT -- I'M TRYING TO
SUMMARIZE BECAUSE IT IS
TELEVISION AND 500 PAGES IN A
FEW WORDS, BUT THE MISSION OF
GOVERNMENT.
THIS HAS BEEN A THEME OF EUROS
FOR A LONG TIME, AND WHEN I WAS
READING YOUR BOOK, IT REMINDED
ME OF AN ARTICLE I READ.
YOU ARE SAYING THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT AS YOU SAY THE MOST
IMPORTANT WORD IN THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE IS
"SECURE," BECAUSE IT SAYS THE
GOVERNMENT WILL SECURE THE
RIGHTS, THE GOVERNMENT'S JOB
ISN'T TO CREATE NEW ONES.
>> GOVERNMENTS ARE INSTITUTED TO
SECURE RIGHTS.
>> Bill: THAT'S THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, THE
WRITING ON THE BOX.
THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL IS THE
CONSTITUTION.
DOESN'T THAT CREATE RIGHTS?
ISN'T THAT WHAT THE
BILL OF RIGHTS IS?
>> THE BILL OF RIGHTS IS MOSTLY
A BUNCH OF PRESCRIPTIONS THE
GOVERNMENT SHALL NOT DO CERTAIN
THINGS, SHALL NOT ESTABLISH --
>> Bill: THOSE ARE RIGHTS.
>> OF COURSE THEY ARE.
AND THE AMENDMENT IN THE
BILL OF RIGHTS AS THE
ENUMERATION OF THE RIGHTS IN
THIS BILL OF RIGHTS SHALL NOT BE
SEEN TO DISPARAGE THE
UNENUMERATED RIGHTS THAT REMAIN.
>> Bill: LET ME READ FROM THE
ARTICLE I REMEMBER FROM SO LONG
AGO, BECAUSE I TOLD YOU, USED TO
CLIP YOUR STUFF.
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT -- IT'S
INTERESTING, GLOBE WORK NO
MICROBE.
DEMOCRATS WANT TO DISCOURAGE --
FOLLOW THE EXAMPLE OF GROVER,
THE LAST PRESIDENT TO UNDERSTOOD
THE GOVERNMENT DOES THE FOUNDERS
DID, LIMITED BECAUSE ENUMERATED
POWERS.
YOU SAY IN 1887, PRESIDENT
PRESIDENT CLEVELAND VETOED THE
TEXAS SEED BILL.
DO YOU REMEMBER THIS?
I'M SURE YOU DO.
WHICH APPROPRIATED $10,000 TO
PURCHASE SEED GRAIN TO
DROUGHT-STRICKEN FARMERS.
CLEVELAND SAID I COULD FIND NO
WARRANT FOR SUCH AN APPLICATION
IN THE CONSTITUTION.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FARMERS?
WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
STARVING BECAUSE THERE IS A
DROUGHT?
TEN GRAND, WOULD IT KILL YOU?
IT'S GREAT TO BE BY THE BOOK,
BUT ISN'T THAT WHY ROBERT
MUELLER HAS PUT US IN THE
SITUATION WE ARE IN -- BECAUSE
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GO BY THE BOOK?
>> I THINK WHEN YOU START SAYING
"WELL, THE CONSTITUTION IS ALL
VERY WELL, BUT THAT IS NOT A
BOOK WE NEED NOT GO BY."
THEREBY IS THE STATE OF MONARCHY
AND LAWLESS.
>> Bill: JEFFERSON SAID IT
SHOULD BE REWRITTEN EVERY 20
YEARS, DID HE NOT?
>> THEN MADISON CORRECTED HIM AT
LENGTH IN A VERY GOOD LETTER,
BECAUSE THAT WAY IS NONSENSE.
IF A CONSTITUTION IS TO
CONSTITUTE, IT CANNOT CHANGE
WITH THE WINDS OF FASHION.
>> Bill: GEORGE, I'M SO GLAD
YOU ARE ON OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GEORGE WILL, EVERYBODY.
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL.
[APPLAUSE]
HEY.
HELLO EVERYBODY.
OKAY, HERE THEY ARE.
HE'S THE FOUNDER AND
EDITOR-AT-LARGE FOR
"THE BULWARK" AND AN MSNBC
CONTRIBUTOR, CHARLIE SYKES.
CHARLIE.
HE'S THE FORMER DEMOCRATIC
ATTORNEY GENERAL AND GOVERNOR OF
NEW YORK, ELIOT SPITZER.
[APPLAUSE]
SHE'S A STAFF EDITOR AND WRITER
FOR THE OPINION SECTION AT
"THE NEW YORK TIMES,"
BARI WEISS.
OUR RETURNING CHAMPION.
[APPLAUSE]
DON'T FORGET TO SEND US YOUR
QUESTIONS FOR TONIGHT'S
"OVERTIME" SO WE CAN ANSWER THEM
AFTER THE SHOW ON YOUTUBE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
TRUMP, BUT I HAVE TO BECAUSE
THIS WEEK HE SAID HE WOULD TAKE
DIRT FROM A FOREIGN GOVERNMENT,
AND I JUST WANT TO READ WITH THE
FEDERAL ELECTION COMMITTEE --
THE HEAD OF THE FEDERAL ELECTION
COMMITTEE SAID.
I LOVE THIS, SHE SAID "I WOULD
NOT HAVE THOUGHT I NEEDED TO SAY
THIS."
A GREAT TITLE FOR A BOOK ABOUT
TRUMP.
"I DIDN'T THINK I NEEDED TO SAY
THIS."
DON'T PUT YOUR KIDS IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.
LET ME MAKE SOME THING 100%
CLEAR TO ANYONE RUNNING FOR
OFFICE, IT IS ILLEGAL FOR ANY
PERSON TO SOLICIT, ACCEPT, OR
RECEIVE ANYTHING OF VALUE FROM A
FOREIGN NATIONAL IN CONNECTION
WITH THE U.S. ELECTION.
THIS IS NOT A NOVEL CONCEPT."
SHE THEN TALKS ABOUT THE
FOUNDING FATHERS, SAID "THEY
KNEW WHEN FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS
SEEK TO INFLUENCE OUR POLITICS
IS TO ADVANCE THEIR OWN
INTERESTS, NOT AMERICAS."
MY QUESTION IS: WHAT IF THE
DEMOCRATS SAID FORGET EVERYTHING
THAT HAPPENED BEFORE, LET'S JUST
IMPEACH HIM ON THIS?
LET'S PRETEND HE WAS PERFECT UP
UNTIL THE OTHER DAY WITH GEORGE
STEPHANOPOULOS, BECAUSE THIS IS
IMPEACHABLE, AND THAT IS WHAT
THEY WOULD DO IF ACCOMMODATED.
[APPLAUSE]
>> CAN I JUMP IN?
LOOK, FIRST, YOU DON'T IMPEACH
SOMEBODY ON SOMETHING THEY MIGHT
HAVE DONE.
TRUMP IS A NARCISSISTIC
DEMAGOGUE WHO IS THE WORST
PRESIDENT WE HAVE EVER HAD.
LET'S TAKE THAT AS A BASELINE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT I THINK, BILL, IT IS BETTER
FOR OUR DEMOCRACY TO BEAT HIM AT
THE ELECTORAL BOX NEXT YEAR.
WE CAN IMPEACH HIM, THE SENATE
WON'T CONVICT HIM.
LET'S BEAT HIM WITH DEMOCRATIC
VOTES.
WE SHOULD DO IT, WE CAN DO IT.
GET A GOOD CANDIDATE.
>> I THINK, CONSTITUTIONALLY.
[APPLAUSE]
ANDREW SULLIVAN HAS A GREAT
ARTICLE ABOUT THIS IN NEW YORK
MAGAZINE, CONSTITUTIONALLY, YES,
THERE ARE MANY REASONS TO
IMPEACH THIS PRESIDENT, BUT
POLITICALLY, I AGREE WITH ELIOT,
LET'S FOCUS ON RESTORING THE
COUNTRY, NOT TEARING IT APART.
WHERE DOES THAT GO?
WHAT HAPPENS THE DAY AFTER
IMPEACHMENT?
>> FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY
JOHN McCAIN DAY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
LOOK, WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID,
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS, ONE OF
THE RARE THINGS IN HIS
PRESIDENCY -- HE GAVE AND HONEST
ANSWER.
IF THE RUSSIANS SPY AND HACK ON
MY OPPONENT, I AM WILLING TO
COLLUDE.
BUT IN TERMS OF IMPEACHMENT, YOU
ARE RIGHT, YOU DON'T IMPEACH HIM
FOR SOMETHING HE SAYS.
BUT THERE ARE SO MUCH OTHER
MATERIAL HERE.
THIS IS THE MOMENT -- WHAT IS IT
GOING TO TAKE FOR THE
DEMOCRATS -- LOOK, I'VE SPENT
THE LAST FEW YEARS WATCHING
REPUBLICANS LOSE THEIR MIND.
I'M AMAZED AT HOW BAD DEMOCRATS
ARE AT POLITICS.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
I SPENT THE LAST 20 YEARS
WATCHING REPUBLICANS LOSE THEIR
MINDS, NOT THE LAST COUPLE.
THEY ARE NOT SPIRIT >> THE
MUELLER REPORT -- YOU GUYS ARE
FECKLESS AND YOU ARE GUTLESS.
>> SOME OF US WERE, THEN WE GOT
THE SHIT BEATEN OUT OF US
BECAUSE OF IT.
>> WITH THE MUELLER REPORT LAYS
OUT, IN THE CLEAREST POSSIBLE
ROAD MAP, TO CONGRESS, TO SAY
"IF YOU ARE NOT POTTED PLANTS,
IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT YOUR
CONSTITUTION A ABILITY, YOU NEED
TO HAVE" -- WHATEVER THE
POLITICS ARE, THIS IS WHAT
CONGRESS IS FOR.
IF CONGRESS DOES NOT INSTITUTE
IMPEACHMENT PROCEEDINGS, THAN
WHAT THEY ARE BASICALLY SAYING
IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES IS LITERALLY ABOVE
THE LAW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENT
POINT.
I WAS A PROSECUTOR FOR A LOT OF
YEARS.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BRING A CASE
I WASN'T GOING TO WIN.
THE HOUSE CAN VOTE
IMPEACHMENT --
>> Bill: THERE'S MANY WAYS TO
WIN.
>> WE ARE GOING TO LOSE THE
ELECTION IN '20 --
>> Bill: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
>> YES --
>> Bill: NOBODY KNOWS
ANYTHING.
>> WE BEAT HIM ON SUBSTANCE,
BECAUSE HE IS WRONG ON FACTS,
THE ENVIRONMENT, CHOICE, GUNS,
TRAIT -- BEAT HIM ON SUBSTANCE
BEER THAT IS GOOD FOR DEMOCRACY.
>> YOU CANNOT SAY THIS IS
ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.
WHEN THE PRESIDENT SAID WHAT HE
SAID TO GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS --
>> NORMALIZE --
>> EXACTLY, BUT YOU HAVE TO
STRUGGLE AGAINST THAT.
>> Bill: AGAIN, WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE RIGHT POLITICS IS
BECAUSE THEY GO BY THE POLLS,
AND AGAIN, REPUBLICANS LEAD
POLLS.
DEMOCRATS FOLLOW POLLS.
IF THEY WOULD DO THAT, MAYBE
THEY WOULD CHANGE THE POLLS.
THE PROBLEM IS THEY ALWAYS LOOK
WEAK.
>>
LET ME ASK A QUESTION PEERD
WHEN BILL CLINTON WAS IMPEACHED,
THE END OF THE DAY, HE WON.
>> Bill: DIFFERENT CASE.
>> AL GORE WAS NOT ELECTED
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
IT WAS NOT A DISASTER.
LOOK, RIGHT NOW, THE TRUMP
WHITE HOUSE IS SUCCEEDING IN
WINNING THE MESSAGING WAR.
THEY ARE TURNING THIS AROUND.
THEY ARE ON THE OFFENSE.
YOU HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO HAS
BEEN CREDIBLY -- IN
DOCUMENTATION, OBSTRUCTED
JUSTICE.
>> Bill: I DON'T AGREE THAT
YOU CAN'T DO IT BECAUSE OF WHAT
SOMEBODY SAYS.
HE'S THE PRESIDENT.
HIS WORDS MATTER.
>> YES, BECAUSE WORDS MATTER.
I WAS JUST SO AMAZED BY THE
REACTION TO THE IRAN BOAT
SITUATION, THE TANKER, RIGHT?
ALL OF THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE
SAYING -- YOU ARE DISBELIEVING
SET, AND DISBELIEVING THE
INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY.
AND WE HAVE TO WONDER, WHY IS
THAT?
WE HAVE A PRESIDENT, WHO EVERY
DAY IS WAGING A WAR ON THE TRUTH
AND ON TRUST.
HE LITERALLY SAID IN 2016, WHAT
YOU ARE READING AND WHAT YOU ARE
WATCHING IS NOT HAPPENING.
SO HOW DO PEOPLE EXPECT US,
THEN, TO JUST BELIEVE THE
INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY AND HIM
AT HIS WORD, AND POMPEO, WHEN HE
IS WAGING A WAR ON IT FOR THE
PAST THREE YEARS?
THAT SCARE THE HILL OUT OF ME.
>> Bill: HE'S PROTECTING US.
IT'S THE FUNDAMENTAL JOB OF THE
PRESIDENT --
>> LISTEN.
YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT ALL OF THAT
PIZZA LET THEM VOTE, PASS A
BUDGET, PASS A GUN-CONTROL BILL,
PASSED A GOOD ENVIRONMENTAL
BILL, PASSED AN INFRASTRUCTURE
BILL, PASSED A TAX REFORM BILL.
THE HOUSE SHOULD DO STUFF THAT
AFFECTS VOTERS IN WISCONSIN,
MICHIGAN --
THEN WE HAVE A POLICY -- THEN WE
WIN.
I CAN GET 70% IN NEW YORK DOING
THAT.
THIS IS WHAT WINS FEDERAL
ELECTIONS.
>> WHEN A REPUBLICAN LIKE JUSTIN
AMASH IS MAKING A MORE
PRINCIPLED CASE FOR IMPEACHMENT
THAN THE LEADERSHIP OF
DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: HE WAS ALSO THE ONLY
ONE TO VOTE FOR BILL BARR.
HE'S BEEN ATTORNEY GENERAL FOUR
MONTHS, RODE UP FOR CONTEMPT
TWICE.
[LAUGHS]
REPUBLICANS COME BACK INTO
PUBLIC LIFE, THEY DON'T FUCK
AROUND.
TWICE.
JUSTIN AMASH WAS RIGHT THERE,
THE LONE WOLF, THE MAYTAG
REPAIRMAN OF REPUBLICANS.
LONELY.
>> HE'S BEING CALLED A CUCK --
>> Bill: A COCK?
>> A CUCKOLD.
BILL, COME ON.
>> Bill: I'M SORRY, I'M NOT
MARRIED, I'M SORRY.
>> YOU KNOW THIS STUFF.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: OKAY, SO JOE BIDEN
SAYS WITH TRUMP GONE, YOU WILL
SEE THINGS CHANGE.
BASICALLY SAYING TRUMP IS AN
ABERRATION.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF HE IS AN
ABERRATION OR A SENSE ACCEPT
HIM --
>> HE'S A FLAG.
>> Bill: OF COURSE HE IS.
MITCH McCONNELL, HE FUCK TO
OBAMA OUT OF THE SUPREME COURT
PICKED BEFORE TRUMP WAS THERE.
I THINK THE ROT GOES A LOT
DEEPER.
>> IT IS SO MUCH BIGGER -- IT'S
A FAILURE OF THE IMAGINATION, I
THINK, TO CEASE BEFORE AS JUST A
DOMESTIC ABERRATION.
HE IS A SYMPTOM OF A MUCH, MUCH
BIGGER TREND, A WAVE, WHICH IS
AN ANTIDEMOCRATIC WAVE THAT IS
SWEEPING THE WEST.
IT'S NOT JUST TRUMP, IT'S ALL OF
THESE PEOPLE.
AND IT IS POPULATIONS THAT ARE
TURNING AGAINST THINGS THAT WE
THOUGHT WERE ASSUMED.
THINGS LIKE LIBERALISM AND
DEMOCRACY'S, THEY ARE TURNING
TOWARD POPULISM, ETHNIC
NATIONALISM, AND THE REST.
I THINK THE REAL CHALLENGE IS TO
FIND LEADERS AND POLITICIANS,
RIGHT NOW I'M WONDERING WHO
THOSE ARE ON THE DEMOCRATIC
SIDE --
>> Bill: BUT WHY --
>> A HEALTHY PATRIOTISM.
>> Bill: THE QUESTION BECOMES
WHY ARE PEOPLE DOING THAT?
WHY ARE PEOPLE TURNING AWAY?
>> WE ARE LIVING THROUGH A
REVOLUTION THAT IS BIGGER THAN
THE GUTENBERG REVOLUTION PEERED
>> Bill: YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
TECHNOLOGY?
>> EVERYTHING.
WE DON'T HAVE COMMON
INFORMATION.
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S GOING TO
LOOK LIKE IN 20 YEARS.
I WATCH MSNBC AND YOU WATCH FOX,
WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT REALITIES.
>> THAT'S HARSH.
>> I KNOW THAT IS WHAT YOU WATCH
EVERY NIGHT.
I SEE STRONG MEN LIKE TRUMP AND
STEPPING INTO THAT VACUUM AND
OFFERING VERY CRUDE AND COOL
SOLUTIONS, AND THE PROBLEM IS
THAT TOO MANY PROGRESSIVES ARE
SCARED TO TOUCH THE ISSUES THAT
HE TOUCHES BEER DEREK SCARED TO
TOUCH IMMIGRATION, SCARED TO
TOUCH BORDERS, SCARED TO TOUCH
PATRIOTISM, ANYTHING THAT WILL
GIVE THEM A WHIFF OF XENOPHOBIA
AND BIGOTRY IN ALL THE REST OF
THE THINGS THEY ARE TERRIFIED OF
BEING ACCUSED OF.
AND THEY NEED TO COME UP -- THEY
NEED TO COME UP WITH SENSIBLE
ANSWERS TO THOSE THINGS.
AND WHEN WE SEE PEOPLE THAT ARE
DOING MAD, I THINK THOSE ARE THE
PEOPLE THAT CAN ULTIMATELY WIN
THE DAY.
BUT PROGRESSIVES AVOIDED.
PEOPLE LIKE TRUMP GOING TO
CONTINUE TO WIN.
>> IS IT A SYMPTOM ON
ABERRATION?
THE ANSWER IS HE IS BOTH.
IF THIS DIVISION WAS A
PRE-EXISTING CONDITION, BUT
DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN AN
ACCELERANT.
HE HAS MADE POLITICS NONE.R.,
MEANER, COOLER, MORE
DISCONNECTED WITH REALITY.
EVEN WHEN HE LEAVES, AND A LOT
OF TRUMP-ISM IS JUST A
PERSONALITY CULT, THE DAMAGE IS
GOING TO BE HERE.
WE LIVE IN ALTERNATIVE REALITIES
THAT BARI IS DESCRIBING.
THE DYNAMIC OF OUR POLITICKING
IS NOT WHAT WE ARE FOR, IT IS
WHO WE ARE AGAINST AND WHO WE
HATE.
AS LONG AS THAT IS THE CASE, WE
ARE NOT GOING TO GET OVER IT.
>> YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT, BUT I WANT
TO ADD ONE POINT AND SAY
SOMETHING AFFIRMATIVE.
YOU FOCUSED ON TECHNOLOGY
INFORMATION.
IT'S ECONOMICS.
INCOMES GOING DOWN FOR THE
MIDDLE CLASS, AND THOSE BELOW
THE MIDDLE CLASS, FOR MORE THAN
25 YEARS.
THAT IS ANGER, THEN VENOM QUITE
DIFFERENT FOR US, IMMIGRANTS,
EVERYBODY ELSE.
THAT IS WHY TRUMP FOCUSES ON
MEXICANS ON THE CHINESE AND GETS
POPULAR.
BUT LET ME ADD THIS: WE HAVE
BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE.
WE HAD A CIVIL WAR.
WE HAVE McCARTHYISM, WE HAD
DRAGON, WE HAD GEORGE W. BUSH,
SOMEHOW WE HAVE SURVIVED
INTENSELY ON POPULAR PRESIDENTS
COME AND WE FORGET, WHEN
REAGAN WAS FIRST ELECTED, WE SAW
HIM IN THE SAME PRISM AS WE
SEE TRUMP AND GEORGE W. BUSH.
WE WILL COME BACK FROM THIS
BECAUSE WE ARE CREATIVE, OUR
ECONOMY WILL DO BETTER, AND WE
WILL RESOUND WITH A DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATE WHO CAN SPEAK TO THE
UNITY OF THIS COUNTRY.
>> ARE YOU READY FOR OFFICE?
>> I'M RUNNING -- I'M AN
OPTIMIST.
I'M AN OPTIMIST BECAUSE WE HAVE
SEEN -- WE HAD A CIVIL WAR, FOR
GOD'S SAKE.
WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH IT.
>> Bill: I CAN HONESTLY SEE
WHY CONSERVATIVES, EVEN
INDEPENDENT, SEE YOU LUMPING THE
CIVIL WAR IN -- WE REALLY THINK
THEY ARE THE SAME.
REALLY, THEY ARE THE SAME?
GEORGE W. BUSH IS THE SAME?
>> CONTINUE FOCUSING ON PEOPLE
AND SAYING WE WANT TO FOCUS ON
THOSE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM
US --
>> REAGAN AND SLAVERY?
>> YOU WERE TOO YOUNG.
>> THE SKY IS FALLING.
>> YES!
>> BECAUSE YOU CAN MAKE A
DISTINCTION BETWEEN -- THE REAL
THING COMES ALONG.
>> Bill: BECAUSE IT IS LIKE A
CAR ALARM.
YOU DON'T HEAR IT, BUT YOU HATE
IT.
>> YOU GUYS ARE SEEING AN
APOCALYPSE WHERE I AM SEEING
SOMEONE WHO IS SO BAD, THE
DECENCY OF THE AMERICAN
PUBLIC -- HIS RATINGS -- WE ARE
GOING TO DEFEAT HIM, A
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE --
>> Bill: I WOULD GIVE A
BILLION DOLLARS TO PUT
GEORGE BUSH IN OFFICE --
>> OR MITT ROMNEY.
>> Bill: INTERESTING STORY IN
THE NEWS THIS WEEK, IN FLORIDA,
A MOM PUNISHED HER 17-YEAR-OLD
DAUGHTER BY FORCING HER TO STAND
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
INTERSECTION --
GESTURE MEMBER
CONFESSION SIGNS?
THIS IS KIND OF BRINGING THEM
BACK.
SHE MADE HER KIT HAVE A SIGN
THAT SAID "I LIED.
I CUMULATED MY MOTHER AND
MYSELF."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE KID
DID, BUT I AM FOR THIS.
IT IS NOW CATCHING ON AGAIN.
WE PUT A CAMERA OUT, HERE IN
L.A., THE CORNER.
THE HOT
HOT DOG I WAS OUT THER,
"HAVEN'T CHANGED THE HOTDOG
WATER SINCE 2004."
A HOMELESS GUY, I HAVE A FOUR
BEDROOM HOME IN ENCINO.
AND THEN CELEBRITIES STARTED
SHOWING UP.
LOOK, SEAN HANNITY: WHEN TRUMP
CARDS, I SAY "THAT WAS ME."
PETE BUTTIGIEG WAS OUT THERE,
I'M NOT REALLY GAY, I JUST
NEEDED A BETTER LOOK THEN
MAYOR OF INDIANA."
LINDSEY GRAHAM IS OUT THERE, I'M
STRAIGHT.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT A CONFESSION.
TIGER WOODS, WON ONE TOURNEY,
WENT RIGHT BACK TO SCREWING THE
WAITRESS AT THE GOLDEN CORRAL.
MELANIA: MY SECRET PLAN IS THAT,
IN THE END, I WILL SIT ON THE
IRON THRONE.
[APPLAUSE]
R. KELLY: I'VE SPENT MORE TIME
IN TOYS 'R' US THAN THAT GIRAFFE
GIRAFFE.
[LAUGHTER]
SYMPATHY FOR R. KELLY, I LOVE
IT.
AND VLADIMIR PUTIN: I'M STARTING
TO WISH I HAD HELPED HILLARY
WIN.
OKAY, A COMEDY ICON WHO WILL BE
PERFORMING WITH STEVE MARTIN AT
THE BUDWEISER EVENT CENTER IN
COLORADO JULY 12TH, THE PIKES
PEAK CENTER IN COLORADO SPRINGS
JULY 13TH, AND THE GREEK THEATER
HERE IN L.A., JULY 16TH.
HE IS BELOVED AND HYSTERICAL.
MARTIN SHORT, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: HOW ARE YOU?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE
THIS, OTHER THAN PROVIDE DECADES
OF QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT?
>> Bill: SO RELUCTANT TO BASK,
BUT YOU LOVES SHOW BUSINESS.
>> Bill: YOU ARE NOT AFRAID TO
SAY APPEARED ALL OF YOUR
CHARACTERS, JACKIE ROGERS JR. --
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Bill: IS IN YOUR BLOOD.
>> IS THAT NOT IN YOUR BLOOD?
YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN SHOW
BUSINESS.
>> Bill: WE ARE FIGHTING
ALREADY.
>> WE HAVE CLOSE FRIENDS, YOU
KNOW.
>> Bill: WE HAVE SO MUCH IN
COMMON.
I TOLD YOU THAT AFTER I READ
YOUR BEN
MEMOIR.
THE FATHER, THE SQUABBLING IRISH
FAMILY.
THE PROBLEM WITH A LARGE PENIS,
ALL OF THESE THINGS.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I FOUND?
READING YOUR NEW THING?
WE ARE BOTH PEOPLE WHO DON'T
HAVE A BUCKET LIST.
>> NOTHING THAT I WANT TO DO
THAT I HAVEN'T DONE.
AND IF I HAVEN'T DONE IT AT THE
AGE OF 69, THAT I DON'T WANT TOO
DO.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: RIGHT.
>> NEVER BEEN TO INDIA!
>> Bill: I'VE NEVER BEEN TO
ANY COUNTRY --
>> THAT YOU CAN'T GET ROOM
SERVICE, FIVE-STAR.
YOU REALLY ARE OF THE PEOPLE
RIGHT NOW.
>> Bill: NOWHERE WHERE THEY
CAN TAKE A CHICKEN ON A BUS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> WHAT A MOTTO.
>> Bill: YOU ARE 69.
AS A COMEDIAN, WHEN YOU HIT THAT
AGE, DID YOU SAY TO YOURSELF, I
HAVE TO WITH THAT?
FOR THE WHOLE YEAR, I'M 69.
OH, COME ON, PLEASE.
>> THE KIDS LOVE ME.
IT IS DAUNTING TO SUDDENLY BE
69.
YOU REALIZE FOR THE FIRST TIME,
WOW.
>> Bill: YOU LOOK FANTASTIC,
YOU'VE GOT BOYISH HAIR.
SPEAK WITH A WIG, BUT I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.
>> Bill: IT'S NOT A WIG.
>> FOR EXAMPLE, I KNOW LONGER
PUT AN ANGEL ON TOP OF MY
CHRISTMAS TREE BECAUSE IT FEELS
LIKE FORESHADOWING.
[LAUGHTER]
JUST SCARE YOU.
>> Bill: I ALWAYS SAY IF I
WROTE A MEMOIR, IT WOULD BE
CALLED "WHO WAS IN MY BODY."
BECAUSE WHEN I LOOK BACK AT
THINGS THAT I DO, REMINDS ME OF
SOMETHING I DID, WHO WAS IN MY
BODY?
I KNOW THAT WAS ME, BUT I DON'T
KNOW WHO THAT WAS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> MAYBE YOU ARE VERY ILL.
>> Bill: THINGS YOU DID WHEN
YOU ARE 25, AND YOU GO, WHO WAS
IN MY BODY?
>> I WISH I WAS MORE INTERESTING
THAN THAT.
I MEAN IT.
I WISH I COULD LOOK AT PICTURES
OF ME AT 25, I DON'T KNOW WHO
THAT IS.
I AM BASICALLY THE SAME -- I'M
DOING THE SAME THING.
CERTAINLY THE SAME JOKES.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT REALLY, MY WHOLE LIFE, AND I
THINK THAT IS WHAT HAS KEPT ME,
ACTUALLY, YOUNG AND INVOLVED IN
MY LIFE, GREAT ENERGIZED --
BECAUSE I DON'T SEE LIMITATIONS.
"NOW THAT YOU ARE IN YOUR 60s,
YOU CAN DO THAT."
>> Bill: YOU CAN'T PLAY 25
IN --
>> I CAN.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU ARE TIMELESS.
>> Bill: YOU FEEL LIKE COME UP
TO THE AGE OF 15, YOU WERE A
SPONGE, TAKE IN EVERYTHING.
AND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE YOU
ARE REGURGITATING A RECYCLING
ALL OF THAT.
>> IT IS LIKE ME SAYING GUYS, I
LOVE RAP.
BUT I LOVE FRANK SINATRA.
WHEN I WAS 12 AND 13 --
>> Bill: [SINGING]
>> WE GO THROUGH DAY
AN ENTIRE
SEMESTER ALBOM.
â™ª I LIVE ALONE â™ª
I THINK YOU ARE THE OPEN TO IT
ALL WHEN
ALL, AND THEN BY THE TIME YOU'RE
18, YOU ARE READY TO DO IT AND
SEE WHAT YOU LEARNED.
>> Bill: ON THE ROAD WITH
STEVE MARTIN, HOW MANY WEEKS A
YEAR?
HOW MANY NIGHTS DO YOU DO?
YOU HAVE THESE DATES COMING UP.
I SEE THE SHOW, IT'S FANTASTIC.
>> OUR SHOW IS LIKE MARRIED SEX,
DO OLD MATERIAL THREE TIMES A
MONTH.
[LAUGHTER]
NO, WE DO ABOUT 45, 50 SHOWS A
YEAR.
>> Bill: LIKE MOST COMEDY
TEAMS, REALLY WHAT YOU ARE WITH
HIM.
GREAT ONSTAGE, BUT OFFSTAGE YOU
HATE EACH OTHER.
>> I ACTUALLY LOVE STEVE.
AND I THINK WHAT IS GREAT ABOUT
IT IS WE SHARE MANY SIMILARITIES
IN WORK APPROACH.
IF IT IS AN AUDIENCE -- WE STILL
GIVE 100%.
BUT SOME PEOPLE DON'T.
AND I THINK THAT WE HAVE A
SHARED SENSIBILITY.
IT IS VERY RARE THAT A JOKE MADE
HIM LAUGH AND I WOULDN'T FIND IT
FUNNY, OR VICE VERSA.
>> Bill: I WOULD THINK THAT
YOU COULD BE THE AMBASSADOR FROM
CANADA.
MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU WILL BE.
TORONTO LAST NIGHT?
>> HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> Bill: WON THE NBA -- THEY
ARE THE BASKETBALL CHAMPS.
I SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN TORONTO
TORONTO.
CANADA IN GENERAL.
THEY HAVE A BAD RAP BECAUSE WHEN
KEVIN DURANT WAS INJURED, SOME
OF THEM APPLAUDED.
IT WAS A MOMENT.
THEY GET CAUGHT UP IN THE GAME.
ANYONE WHO THINKS THAT HIS
TORONTO DOESN'T KNOW --
>> WHEN THEY WON LAST NIGHT, I
THINK TWO FANS BURNED A LADIES
SCARF.
>> Bill: ONE OTHER THING I
LOVE ABOUT YOUR SHOW WITH STEVE,
YOU DO NOT MENTION TRUMP.
SECOND GUEST TONIGHT WHO DOESN'T
MENTION TRUMP, AND I THINK THAT
IS GREAT.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO GO
THERE WITH PEOPLE.
>> I DO THINK WE HAVE 50/50 ON
THE AUDIENCE, AND IF THERE IS AN
ATTITUDE FROM US THAT SAYS --
AND THEY ARE NOT EXPECTING IT.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE ARE POLITICAL
COMEDIANS, AND THEY ARE NOT
EXPECTING IT, AND SUDDENLY WE
ARE PUTTING DOWN TRUMP, IT'S
LIKE, IF I'M IN A REPUBLICAN IN
THE AUDIENCE, I FEEL -- GEE, I
FEEL LEFT OUT RIGHT NOW.
I THINK THEY NEED A RESPITE FROM
THE CONSTANT INSANITY.
>> Bill: I ALSO THINK I SAID
THIS ON THANKSGIVING, WHEN YOU
GO HOME FOR THANKSGIVING, JUST
DON'T TALK ABOUT POLITICS.
WE USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT.
WE USED TO BE ABLE TO SIT WITH
PEOPLE WHO WE KNEW WAS A
DIFFERENT POLITICAL STRIFE AND
WERE JUST WATCHING A BASEBALL
GAME.
WE DON'T HAVE TO ALWAYS GO THERE
THERE.
>> I HAVE LOTS OF FRIENDS, I
DON'T THINK I KNOW ANYONE WHO
SUPPORTS TRUMP.
>> Bill: I DO, AND THAT'S
OKAY.
>> MANY REPUBLICAN FRIENDS WHO
MIGHT COME IN THE PAST -- BUT
YOU DON'T DISCUSS IT.
IT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW, CANADIANS ALL DISCUSS
POLITICS ALL THE TIME, AND IT
ISN'T FISTICUFFS, IT'S JUST A
CONVERSATION.
>> Bill: UNI BOND ON THIS.
THERE IS TOO MUCH PURITY
TESTING, I THINK, IN THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO GET IN
TROUBLE WITH PACS, TALKING ABOUT
NOT TAKING MONEY FROM TECHNOLOGY
COMPANIES, OIL COMPANIES, YOU
CAN'T HAVE THEIR MONEY, CAN'T
HAVE WALL STREET MONEY.
MEANWHILE, REPUBLICANS TAKE
EVERYBODY'S MONEY.
STEVE WYNN, HE GOTTEN ME TO ME .
HARVEY WEINSTEIN, THEY GAVE THE
MONEY BACK.
WHY?
HIS MONEY DIDN'T RAPER ANYBODY.
I THINK -- DNC TOOK A
$19 MILLION SO FAR THIS YEAR,
RNC 61.
TRUMP RAISED 30 MILLION IN THE
FIRST QUARTER, WAY MORE THAN
DEMOCRATS.
THIS IS ANOTHER WAY THEY ARE
GOING TO SHOOT THEMSELVES IN THE
FOOT.
YOU TAKE PEOPLE'S MONEY, AND
THAT YOU FUCK THAT WHEN YOU GET
IN OFFICE.
THAT IS HOW POLITICS WORKS.
[APPLAUSE]
>> I'M WITH YOU.
HAVING BEEN THERE, HAVING GOTTEN
MONEY FROM PEOPLE, WHATEVER
REASON -- YOU ARE RIGHT.
DEMOCRATIC PARTY SAYS WE HAVE TO
WIN, RAISE THE MONEY, RAISE A
LEGALLY, DISCLOSE IT 100% WHERE
IT COMES FROM.
MAKE AN ARGUMET TO DEFEAT THIS
PRESIDENT.
THAT IS HOW WE WIN.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHERE THE
MONEY COMES FROM, JUST WIN THE
GODDAMN RACE.
>> Bill: SOCIAL JUSTICE
WARRIORS, YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS
RECENTLY, FINALLY FINDING THAT
MAYBE THERE IS A PRICE TO PAY --
ARE YOU TALKING WHAT THE BAKERY
STORY?
>> THE BAKERY STORY, THERE'S THE
SUBWAY STORY.
>> Bill: WHAT'S THE BAKERY
ONE?
THAT'S EASIER.
>> THERE IS THIS BAKERY ACROSS
THE STREET FROM OBERLIN COLLEGE.
THE CAMPUS COMMUNITY HAD USED IT
FOR YEARS.
IN 2016, A BLACK -- I BELIEVE HE
WAS A BLACK STUDENT -- COMES
INTO THE BAKERY, AND TWO OTHER
STUDENTS WERE WITH HIM.
THEY GET INTO SOME KIND OF
ALTERCATION WITH THE EMPLOYEES
AT THE BAKERY WHO THOUGHT THEY
WERE STEALING SOMETHING.
A YEAR LATER, IT TURNS OUT THEY
WERE STEALING SOMETHING, AND
THEY PLED GUILTY.
NOW THE PROBLEM IS THAT IN THE
YEAR THAT ENSUED, OBERLIN
STUDENTS BACKED UP -- THIS IS
CRUCIAL, BY ADMINISTRATION
OFFICIALS AND SOME PROFESSORS --
ALLEGE THE BAKERY WAS GUILTY OF
RACIAL PROFILING, OF ASSAULT,
AND OF SYSTEMIC DISCRIMINATION
PAY THE COLLEGE STOP USING THE
BAKERY, WHICH I THINK THEY HAVE
BEEN USING FOR YEARS.
AND, BASICALLY, THE BAKERY WON,
I THINK SOMETHING LIKE
$33 MILLION.
>> THEY WON BIG MONEY FROM THE
COLLEGE.
>> Bill: HOW DID BAKERIES GET
TO BE --
>> 33 MILLION IN THOSE YEARS?
>> A GOOD COOKIE.
>> Bill: WEDDING CAKES.
>> THE POINT IS THAT FOR TOO
LONG, A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SAID
WHAT GOES ON ON CAMPUSES IS
EXCESSIVE AND CRAZY, BUT WHO
GIVES A SHIT.
WELL, THIS BAKERY CARED BECAUSE
IT RUINED THEM.
TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER VERY QUICK
EXAMPLE, THERE IS A JORDANIAN-
AMERICAN WRITER, HERSELF A
SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR, VERY
MUCH A PERSON OF THE LEFT.
SHE GOES ON THE METRO IN D.C.,
TAKES A PICTURE OF A METRO
WORKER EATING A SANDWICH, WHICH
IS I GUESS NOT ALLOWED UNDER
D.C. SUBWAY RULES.
POST A PICTURE OF IT.
THEN SHE GETS PILED ON, BECAUSE
THE WOMAN -- AND THE METRO
WORKER -- WAS BLACK, AND HOW CAN
YOU SHAME THIS PERSON.
IF THEY ARE RIGHT.
WHY WOULD YOU POSTED THAT
PICTURE, IT'S RIDICULOUS FOR
THEY GO ON TO BASICALLY COME
INCESSANTLY, EVEN AFTER THE
WOMAN WHO POSTED THE PICTURE
APOLOGIZES, HER BOOK CONTRACT
GETS CANCELED.
SHE WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL FOR
SEVERE ANXIETY AND PANIC, AND
EVEN COME I THINK, WENT BACK TO
JORDAN BECAUSE SHE FEARED FOR
HER LIFE.
NOW SHE IS SUING THE BOOK
PUBLISHER FOR $11 MILLION, SEE
HOW THAT ONE TURNS OUT.
>> Bill: WHAT ARE THEY SAYING
ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW ON TWITTER?
JUST FOR SAYING THIS?
>> ME?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
HERE IS THE POINT: THE IDEA THAT
TWITTER IS NOT REAL LIFE AND
THAT TWITTER IS LIKE SOME FAKE
REALITY -- FIRST OF ALL, IT IS
BELIED BY THE FACT OF THIS
PRESIDENT.
BUT ALSO ANYONE WHO IS ON IT AND
SEES THE KIND OF REPUTATIONAL
DAMAGE IT CAN CAUSE, CERTAINLY
IN MY OWN LIFE -- KNOWS THAT IT
IS REAL.
>> WHY DOES ANYONE GO ON
TWITTER?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I'M NOT ON TWITTER.
>> YOU HAVE THE PRIVILEGE IS A
69-YEAR-OLD WITH A VERY GOOD WIG
TO NOT --
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> IS NOT A WIG.
>> TO NOT BE ENGAGED.
BUT FOR A LOT OF YOUNGER PEOPLE,
THIS IS THE WAY THAT YOU PROMOTE
YOUR WORK.
>> IT IS ALSO THIS CULTURE OF
THE BULLYING, AND THE CALLING
OUT.
>> I AGREE.
>> I THINK THERE ARE MANY
WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT TWITTER,
BUT EVERYONE I KNOW WHO HAS BEEN
ON TWITTER AT ONE POINT GOES OFF
TWITTER --
>> Bill: IT'S A PLACE YOU CAN
BE WITTY.
>> IF YOU SAY ANYTHING THAT IS
REMOTELY --
>> THE GOOD NEWS ON THE BAD
NEWS.
TWITTER GIVES YOU ACCESS TO THE
ENTIRE WORLD.
THE BAD NEWS IS THERE IS NO
EDITOR.
IT USED TO BE THERE WERE FIVE
MAINSTREAM JOURNALISTS IN THE
PAPERS, YOU COULD TRUST THEM TO
PASS JUDGMENT.
NOW, WITH TWITTER, EVERYBODY CAN
BE AN EDITOR.
EVERYBODY CAN BE A CRITIC.
SO YOU SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES.
YOU GET THE UPSIDE OF PUBLICITY,
THE DOWNSIDE OF THE IDIOCY OF
THE MASSES.
WAY THAT BALANCE.
I WOULD NEVER DO IT.
>> I THINK IF YOU ARE ABLE TO
LOOK AT IT AND SAY THEY ARE
IDIOTS AND I DON'T CARE --
>> YOU CAN DO THAT.
>> THE MUTE BUTTON, YOU CAN
UNFOLLOW PEOPLE APPEARED WITH
THE WHOLE ISSUE OF WHAT IS GOING
ON AT PLACES LIKE OBERLIN, OR
THE ATTEMPT TO BAN SHOULD
FLEE FROM THE SAN ANTONIO
AIRPORT, ALL OF IT.
I'M TIRED OF THE TERM "POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS."
IT IS LIKE PERFORMATIVE WOKENESS
WOKENESS.
IN OUR MONOCULTURE, WE HAVE TO
FIND A WAY TO HUMILIATE, TO
DRIVE PEOPLE OUT THAT WE
DISAGREE WITH.
AND I WILL TELL YOU THAT THERE
IS A HUGE BACKLASH OF ALL OF THE
ISSUES WE ARE TALKING ABOUT.
TALK ABOUT THIS POLITICAL
DIVIDE, THE FOLKS ON THE RIGHT
WERE BAILING ON LIBERALISM, MAKE
THIS THE '93 ELECTION.
THE LEFT WANTS TO DESTROY YOU,
THEY HATE YOU, THEY WANT TO TAKE
AWAY YOUR RIGHTS, DESTROY YOUR
BUSINESS.
UNFORTUNATELY, YOUR ANECDOTES
LIKE THIS THAT MAKE THAT
PLAUSIBLE.
THE OBERLIN CASE MIGHT BE A
TIPPING POINT, BECAUSE IT SHOWS
THERE IS A PRICE FOR THIS
BULLYING.
>> Bill: HOW DO WE GET
MAINSTREAM LIBERALS TO STAND UP
TO THAT FACTION?
>> PETE BUTTIGIEG DID SAY MAYBE
HE WOULD BE THE BRIDGE BETWEEN
THE GAY COMMUNITY AND
CHICK-FIL-A.
THIS WAS A POSITIVE MOMENT --
MAYBE NOT -- BUT IT WAS --
>> THE BAR IS SO LOW.
NO, IT'S TRUE.
>> WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET THAT
SOON.
THE REASON I SAY THAT IS WHEN
HARVARD FIRED THE DEAN THAT EVEN
HARVARD, THEY SAID THEY DON'T
RESPECT LAWYERS TO TAKE UNSAVORY
CLIENTS, THEY WERE CAVING FROM
THE SAME PRESSURE FROM STUDENTS.
THAT WAS A SPINELESS NEST.
THEY SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF WHAT
THEY DID.
>> IT'S GOING ON EVERYWHERE.
>> THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
>> Bill: ALL RIGHT.
NO TIME LEFT.
"NEW RULES," EVERYBODY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OKAY.
GET READY TO LAUGH.
NEW RULE: NOT EVERY MOVIE SET IN
THE FUTURE HAS TO BE EITHER A
SUPER-CLEAN UTOPIA, OR A
SMOLDERING POST-APOCALYPSE.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING IN
BETWEEN?
IT'S ALWAYS EITHER "THE EARTH IS
A GIANT APPLE STORE" OR "BURNING
MAN GOT WAY OUT OF CONTROL."
NEW RULE: IF YOU HAVE TO INSTALL
A SOUNDPROOF BOOTH IN YOUR
HIPSTER WORKPLACE SO EMPLOYEES
CAN HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY, MAYBE
IT'S TIME TO CONSIDER THE HOT
NEW CONCEPT FOR THE OFFICE,
CALLED "ROOMS."
[LAUGHTER]
SEEN HERE IN THIS ARTIST'S
CONCEPTION.
YES, EVERY EMPLOYEE GETS THEIR
OWN "ROOM," WITH A "DOOR" THAT
CLOSES, SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO
LISTEN TO CHERYL TALK ABOUT HER
BOYFRIEND ALL DAY.
TRUE, THERE'S LESS INTERACTION
WITH OTHER PEOPLE, BUT ON THE
BRIGHT SIDE -- WAIT, THAT IS THE
BRIGHT SIDE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: NOW THAT GEORGIA HAS
ALL BUT OUTLAWED ABORTION,
THEY'D BETTER PREPARE THEMSELVES
FOR MORE OF WHAT HAPPENED THIS
WEEK: A NEWBORN WAS SAVED AFTER
SOMEONE ABANDONED THE CHILD IN
THE WOODS IN A PLASTIC GROCERY
BAG.
WE HERE IN CALIFORNIA WOULD
NEVER STAND FOR SUCH A THING.
A PLASTIC BAG?
[LAUGHTER]
NEW RULE: THE MAKERS OF MAKE
YOUR OWN DILDO, THE
"DO-IT-YOURSELF MOLDING KIT"
THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CREATE A
"RUBBER COPY OF ANY PENIS AND
HAVE TO TELL US WHY THE
GUY ON THEIR BOX LOOKS LIKE HE'S
PROPOSING WITH IT.
[LAUGHTER]
AND WHAT EXACTLY IS SHE SUPPOSED
TO SAY?
"YOUR DICK?
WITHOUT YOU ATTACHED TO THE END
OF IT?
YES!
A HUNDRED TIMES YES!"
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: AUGUSTIN ALANIS, THE
30-YEAR-OLD FLORIDA MAN WHO HAS
SEEN THE MOVIE
"AVENGERS: ENDGAME" 114 TIMES
MUST NOT TELL ME HOW IT ENDS.
OR BEGINS.
OR WHAT HAPPENS IN THE MIDDLE.
BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT I DO HAVE A SPOILER ALERT
FOR YOU, AUGUSTIN ALANIS.
YOU DIE ALONE.
[LAUGHTER]
A LITTLE MEAN.
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE: LET'S USE
FATHER'S DAY TO ASK REPUBLICANS
HOW THE "DADDY PARTY" WENT FROM
THESE GUYS TO THIS GUY.
YES, SUNDAY IS FATHER'S DAY, AND
IT REMINDED ME THAT POLITICAL
WONKS AND PUNDITS HAVE ALWAYS
REFERRED TO REPUBLICANS AS THE
DADDY PARTY.
DEMOCRATS?
THEY WERE THE MOMMY PARTY:
THE NURTURERS, THE CARETAKERS,
THE COMPASSIONATE ONES.
DEMOCRATS WORRIED ABOUT YOUR
HEALTH CARE AND EDUCATION, AND
REPUBLICANS WERE ALL ABOUT
SECURITY AND FISCAL
RESPONSIBILITY.
AND THEY USED TO TAKE THEIR ROLE
BEING THE DADDY PARTY VERY
SERIOUSLY: THE NO-NONSENSE,
KEEP-YOU-SAFE, PAY-THE-BILLS
PARTY.
BUT REPUBLICANS REALLY AREN'T
THE DADDY PARTY ANYMORE.
THEY'RE MORE LIKE THE ABSENTEE
DADDY PARTY.
GOING THROUGH THE MIDLIFE
CRISIS, MAKING BAD DECISIONS
WITH ALL THIS PRETEND
CONFIDENCE.
IT'S LIKE THE ENTIRE PARTY IS
WEARING A TOUPEE.
UNDER TRUMP, THEY'VE BECOME THE
"DEADBEAT DAD" PARTY.
THE DAD WHO SPENDS MONEY WE
DON'T HAVE AND WHO BLOWS THE
FAMILY BUDGET ON STUPID SHIT,
LIKE A WALL WE DON'T NEED.
[APPLAUSE]
THIS DAD HANGS OUT WITH THE
WRONG CROWD, ALIENATES THE
NEIGHBORS.
CANADA AND MEXICO?
WE USED TO GET A LONG GREAT WITH
THEM, AND NOW THEY BRING THE
KIDS INSIDE WHEN THEY SEE US
COMING.
AND WHAT KIND OF DAD DOESN'T
KEEP UP WITH ROUTINE REPAIRS?
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PRESIDENT
WHO'S LET THE PLACE GO WHEN YOUR
WIFE HAS HAD MORE WORK DONE THAN
THE ROADS AND THE BRIDGES.
[APPLAUSE]
AND THIS ISN'T A PERSONAL ATTACK
ON TRUMP AS AN ACTUAL FATHER.
HE CLEARLY HAS A SUPPORTIVE,
LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH
ONE-FIFTH OF HIS CHILDREN.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT SOMEONE HAS TO EXPLAIN TO ME
WHY, AT TRUMP RALLIES, THEY SEE
TRUMP AS A FATHER FIGURE.
THEY REALLY SEE HIM AS A FATHER
FIGURE.
YOU KNOW, A STRONG-BUT-QUIET,
STRICT-BUT-FAIR MAN WHO GETS UP
IN THE MORNING, PUTS ON 2 POUNDS
OF CONCEALER.
INFLATES HIS HAIR,
AND SPENDS THE DAY TWEETING LIKE
A MEAN GIRL.
ATTICUS FINCH?
MEET FATTICUS BITCH.
[APPLAUSE]
BACK WHEN MILO WAS A THING, HE
USED TO LITERALLY CALL TRUMP
"PRESIDENT DADDY," BUT HE WAS
HARDLY THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT
OF HIM THAT WAY.
JERRY FALWELL JR. SAID OF TRUMP,
"HE REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF MY
FATHER."
YES, BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH CON
MEN.
[APPLAUSE]
KANYE WEST THINKS TRUMP
IS THE FATHER HE NEVER HAD.
>> YOU KNOW, MY DAD AND MY MOM
SEPARATED, SO I DIDN'T HAVE A
LOT OF MALE ENERGY IN MY HOME.
IT WAS SOMETHING ABOUT WHEN I
PUT THIS HAT ON, IT MADE ME FEEL
LIKE SUPERMAN.
>> Bill: OF COURSE HE LOVES US
BEFORE, HE'S A SUCKER FOR A
GIANT ASS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AS FOR THOSE OF US JUST TRYING
TO SURVIVE IN THIS AMERICAN
FAMILY, WE HAVE TO COME TO TERMS
WITH THE REALITY THAT THE DADDY
PARTY IS THE ASSHOLE DAD PARTY
NOW, AND THE PATRIARCH OF IT ALL
IS A HOT MESS.
YOU KNOW IT HAPPENS WHEN DADDY
IS A USELESS PIECE OF CRAP?
MOM HAS TO TAKE OVER.
THAT IS WHY DEMOCRATS, THEY ARE
NO LONGER THE MOMMY PARTY.
THEY ARE SINGLE MOTHER PARTY.
[APPLAUSE]
THEY ARE THE PARTY THAT HAS TO
WORK TWO JOBS BECAUSE DADDY WENT
OUT FOR CIGARETTES AND NEVER
CAME BACK.
[LAUGHTER]
THE SINGLE MOTHER PARTY IS THE
ONLY ONE THAT CARES ABOUT THE
KIDS' FUTURE.
THE REPUBLICANS, THEY ARE THE
PARTY OF THE KOCH BROTHERS.
POLLUTE ALL YOU WANT TO NOW,
BECAUSE TOMORROW IS NOT OUR
PROBLEM.
WE'LL BE GONE.
WHEN TRUMP WAS IN ENGLAND LAST
WEEK, HE WAS AMAZED AT
PRINCE CHARLES' CONCERN FOR THE
PLANET AND ITS LONGEVITY.
>> HE IS REALLY INTO CLIMATE
CHANGE, AND WHAT HE REALLY FEELS
WARMLY ABOUT IS THE FUTURE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: WHAT A WEIRDO, HUH?
CARING ABOUT THE FUTURE?
BILL BARR WAS RECENTLY ASKED
ABOUT HIS LEGACY.
DOESN'T CARE.
HE SAID, "I AM AT THE END OF MY
CAREER.
EVERYONE DIES."
RUDY GIULIANI SAID THE SAME
THING.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY LEGACY.
I'LL BE DEAD.
WHICH IS SHOCKING.
I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
SO, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, BUT
KEEP IN MIND, IF REPUBLICANS
MADE A COMMERCIAL FOR
LIFE INSURANCE, IT WOULD GO
LIKE THIS.
YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY.
BUT WHAT IF YOU WEREN'T THERE TO
TAKE CARE OF THEM?
OH, WELL, SHIT HAPPENS.
OK, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
I'LL BE AT THE MIRAGE IN VEGAS,
SEPTEMBER 6TH AND 7TH, AT THE
SMART FINANCIAL CENTER IN
SUGAR LAND, TX, SEPTEMBER 21ST,
AND AT THE CIVIC CENTER MUSIC
HALL IN OKLAHOMA CITY,
SEPTEMBER 22ND.
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS,
CHARLES SYKES, BARI WEISS,
ELIOT SPITZER, MARTIN SHORT, AND
GEORGE WILL.
STAY TUNED FOR "OVERTIME" ON
YOUTUBE.
THANK YOU!
â™ª â™ª
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
â™ª â™ª