♪ ♪
>> START THE CLOCK.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
I KNOW WHY YOU'RE HAPPY TONIGHT,
AMERICA GOT RID OF THAT NOT SO
FRESH FEELING.
THAT'S RIGHT, JOE BIDEN WAS
SWORN IN AS AMERICA'S 46TH
PRESIDENT I THINK WE HAVE NOW
AND I WOULD LIKE TO SAY AMERICA,
GIVE YOURSELVES A ROUND OF
APPLAUSE FOR PULLING OFF A
SEMIPEACEFUL TRANSITION OF
POWER, HOW ABOUT THAT?
[APPLAUSE]
SEMIPEACEFUL.
IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS NOW WITH
THE NEW PRESIDENT, HE HAS NOT
YET INSULTED ANYONE, HE DIDN'T
HAVE A MELTDOWN ON TWITTER, DID
NOT BETRAY THE NATION THAT HE
WORKS FOR -- IT'S NICE TO HAVE A
PRESIDENT WHO IS HINGED.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WE HAVE HINGED BACK.
I CAN'T GET USED TO IT, I'M
STILL WRITING "WE'RE DOOMED" ON
OUR CHECKS.
[LAUGHTER]
I THOUGHT THE INAUGURATION CAME
OFF QUITE WELL.
DIGNIFIED, ENOUGH PAGEANTRY TO
REMIND US THAT WE ARE GETTING
BACK TO NORMAL, SOME NICE
TOUCHES.
GARTH BROOKS SANG
"AMAZING GRACE" AND IT LOOKS
LIKE HE RARELY MISSES A CHANCE
TO SAY GRACE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THE THEME -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
NOTICED -- WAS "AMERICA UNITED"
AT LEAST I THINK IT WAS, IT WAS
HARD TO READ THE BANNER BEHIND
THE RAZOR WIRE.
[LAUGHTER]
THE NEW PRESIDENT GOT HIS FIRST
INTELLIGENCE BRIEF WHICH
DESCRIBES THE STATE OF THE
COUNTRY AND HE READ THE FIRST
PARAGRAPH AND WENT TO SEE IF THE
GUY IN THE VIKING HELMET STILL
WANTS IT.
[LAUGHTER]
SO THAT ALL HAPPENED AND EARLIER
IN THE DAY OF COURSE THE WHINY
LITTLE BITCH LEFT -- THAT'S
RIGHT, BYE, PROPECIA!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
TO QUOTE MELANIA, THANK GOD THAT
IS OVER WITH.
MELANIA WAS VERY COMFORTING TO
DONALD, SHE SAID IT'S OKAY, AS
YOU GET OLDER IT'S HARDER TO
ACHIEVE INSURRECTION.
MELANIA LOOKED HAPPY ON THE DAY
THEY LEFT, SHE LEFT WEARING A
SOMBER BLACK OUTFIT AND SHE
ARRIVED IN FLORIDA DRESSED LIKE
SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO FUCK
JIMI HENDRIX.
[LAUGHTER]
DONALD TRUMP, THE LAST COUPLE OF
MONTHS LEFT GRACIOUSLY, DIDN'T
HE?
TRUMP FANS, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU
TRUMP FANS, AMONG THE LIBERALS I
WAS PRETTY MUCH THE NICEST ONE
TO YOU.
I ALWAYS SAID YOU COULD HATE
TRUMP BUT YOU CAN'T HATE ALL THE
PEOPLE WHO LIKE HIM, BUT I GOT
TO SAY YOUR BOY, TOTAL CLASS.
THAT MUST BE WHAT YOU PEOPLE OF
THE MOST, HIS CLASS.
FOR NOT BEING MAN ENOUGH TO
ADMIT HE LOST THE ELECTION TO
TELLING THE MOB "I'M WITH YOU"
AND HE RUNS BACK IN THE HOUSE.
TO NOT ATTENDING THE
INAUGURATION, CLASS ALL THE WAY
THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
I'M SO GLAD HE DID NOT ATTEND
THE INAUGURATION BECAUSE YOU
KNOW HE'S THE EX-HUSBAND YOU
DON'T WANT TO INVITE TO THE
WEDDING BECAUSE HE WILL STAND UP
AND YELL SHE'S A WHORE!"
JUST HAD TO GET THAT OUT OF MY
SYSTEM.
HIS FOLLOWERS NOW, QANON THEY
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK NOW
BECAUSE THEY WERE TOLD TO FOLLOW
THE PLAN, THAT TRUMP WOULD
PREVAIL AND WIN A SECOND TERM
AND GO AFTER THE SATAN
WORSHIPING PEDOPHILES AND IT
DIDN'T HAPPEN, IT'S NOT LIKE THE
INTERNET TO LIVE.
[LAUGHTER]
SO IF YOU GUYS BELIEVE THAT, I
HAVE SOME VERY BAD NEWS ABOUT
HORNY MILFs IN YOUR
NEIGHBORHOOD.
IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE QANON
PEOPLE THE SCALES HAVE LIFTED
NOW AND YOU'RE SAYING "OY, IT'S
HARD TO BELIEVE I FELL FOR ALL
THAT."
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THERE'S
FINALLY SOMETHING YOU FOUND HARD
TO BELIEVE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK PEOPLE IN AMERICA WERE
BASICALLY UNHAPPY AND THEY FIND
POLITICAL REASONS WHY -- ANTIFA,
THE OTHER SIDE OF IT.
THEY WERE UP TWO DAYS AGO IN
PORTLAND AND SMASHED WINDOWS
AFTER BIDEN WAS INAUGURATED,
BURNT A BITE AND FLAG.
THEY DON'T LIKE HIM EITHER, I
LOVE JEN'S E -- THEY WILL BINGE
WATCH 30 EPISODE OF THE TV SHOW
BEFORE IT GETS GOOD FOR THEY
WILL ONLY GIVE BIDEN ONE DAY.
THEY RIGHTED WHEN TRUMP WAS IN
OFFICE, NOW THEY ARE WRITING NOW
THAT BIDEN IS THERE, I THINK
SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T LIKE
WINDOWS.
OKAY, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW,
PETER HAMBY AND
KMELE FOSTER ARE HERE.
BUT FIRST, HE'S THE FORMER FBI
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF
COUNTERINTELLIGENCE AND AUTHOR
OF "THE FBI WAY: INSIDE THE
BUREAU'S CODE OF EXCELLENCE":
FRANK FIGLIUZZI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
I KNOW IT'S CORNY BUT THANKS FOR
ALL YOUR SERVICE.
>> I FEEL LIKE I'M SERVING EVEN
NOW EDUCATING PEOPLE ON THE
THREAT WE ARE FACING.
>> Bill: THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO
PICK YOUR BRAIN ABOUT, JUST TWO
WEEKS NOW SINCE THE JANUARY 6TH
ATTACK ON THE CAPITOL AND AT
FIRST IT LOOKED LIKE A BUNCH OF
KNUCKLEHEADS TAKING SELFIES AND
IT WAS SOME OF THAT BUT THE MORE
WE FIND OUT ABOUT IT, THERE WERE
SOME REAL PROS IN THERE, THIS
WAS A COORDINATED ATTEMPT.
I WAS USING THE TERM SLOW-MOVING
COUP BEFORE TRUMP TOOK OFFICE,
SO IT LOOKS LIKE SOME OF THESE
PEOPLE WERE ACTUAL PROS, KNEW
WHAT THEY WERE DOING,
COORDINATED EFFORT.
IS THAT THE WAY YOU READ IT?
>> AS THE EVIDENCE CONTINUES TO
DEVELOP, WE ARE SEEING SIGNS OF
TECHNICAL EXPERIENCE AND
KNOWLEDGE, COORDINATION,
COMMUNICATIONS AND PLACE, PEOPLE
WITH EARPIECES TALKING TO EACH
OTHER.
WHILE THE VAST MAJORITY WERE
WANDERING AROUND DUMBFOUNDED
THAT THEY EVEN GOT IN, THE GUYS
UP FRONT, THE GUYS BREACHING AND
BEATING POLICE OFFICERS, THEY
WERE READY, THEY WERE PLANNED,
IT WAS COORDINATED.
>> Bill: WHAT WERE THEY HOPING
WOULD HAPPEN?
ANY COUP, YOU HAVE TO HAVE A
SITUATION -- THIS IS WHAT THE
PLOTTERS ARE THINKING -- WHERE
PEOPLE WILL RISE UP BECAUSE
YOU'RE OVERTHROWING A REGIME OF
SORTS.
YOU THINK ABOUT THE HITLER
HITLER SITUATION WITH VON
STAUFFENBERG, WE ARE GOING TO
LIGHT THE FLAME AND PEOPLE ARE
GOING TO RALLY AROUND IT OR
ERDOGAN IN TURKEY -- IF IT
DOESN'T WORK, THE PLOTTERS --
>> I'M SAYING IT WAS
COORDINATED.
>> Bill: WHO WOULD RISE UP?
THEY MUST'VE BEEN HOPING PEOPLE
WOULD RISE UP WITH THEM, THE
MILITARY, THE POLICE?
>> THIS IS PART OF THE OVERALL
FAILURE TO UNDERSTAND THEY ARE
LIVING IN THIS ECHO CHAMBER, ALL
THE MASSES WILL COME TOGETHER IF
THEY SIMPLY DO THIS.
IT'S A FINGERS CROSSED COUP THAT
EVERYTHING THEY HOPED FOR WILL
PLAY OUT.
OBVIOUSLY IT DID NOT BUT THEY
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, THAT
SHOULD CONCERN LAW ENFORCEMENT
AND THE REST OF US FOR THE
FORESEEABLE FUTURE.
>> Bill: BUT THERE ARE PEOPLE
IN THE RANKS OF LAW ENFORCEMENT
WHO ARE SYMPATHETIC, WE ARE
FINDING THAT OUT.
NOT THAT IT WAS A COMPLETE
SURPRISE, WE KNOW THERE IS A
SUPER RIGHT-WING CHRISTIAN
CHRISTIAN CABAL WITHIN THE
MILITARY.
I'M GUESSING I THOUGHT THOSE
PEOPLE WERE GOING TO BE THE ONES
WHO WOULD RISE UP AND HELP THEM.
>> LET'S RECALL THAT WE SAW A
COPSE FOR TRUMP RALLY THROUGHOUT
THE CAMPAIGN.
HEAVILY WELL ATTENDED WITH
TACTICAL GEAR AND QANON PATCHES,
THE NOTION THAT THE POLICE ARE A
MONOLITH AND THEY ALL THINK ONE
WAY -- THEY ARE AS POLARIZED OR
SPLIT AS EVERYONE ELSE IS AND
THEY ARE MORE DANGEROUS BECAUSE
THEY ARE TECHNICALLY TRAINED AND
THEY HAVE POWER AND AUTHORITY
AND TRUMP CULTIVATED THEM.
>> Bill: IT'S ONE THING TO
HAVE DIFFERENT POLITICS WITHIN
AN ORGANIZATION, IT'S ANOTHER
THING TO HAVE A FIFTH COLUMNIST.
IT SEEMS LIKE IF YOU'RE WILLING
TO DO THE KIND OF THINGS AT SOME
OF THESE PEOPLE DID ON
JANUARY 6TH, THAT IS A TRUE
FIFTH COLUMN, WOULD YOU AGREE?
>> THEY BETRAYED THE SAME OATH
THAT I TOOK AND MOST
LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS TOOK
AND THEY NEED TO BE FERRETED OUT
AND WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT HOW
WE RECRUIT POLICE OFFICERS AND
THE BACKGROUND INVESTIGATION --
ALL OF THIS IS TO SAY IT'S TIME
TO ADDRESS THIS FOR WHAT IT IS.
IT'S DOMESTIC TERRORISM AND WE
NEED A LAW AGAINST DOMESTIC
TERRORISM.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: WHEN YOU SAY A LAW
AGAINST -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
IN THIS LAW, I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE
LAWS LIKE THAT ON THE BOOKS
ALREADY.
WHEN YOU SAY LAWS AGAINST
DOMESTIC TERRORISM, WHAT I THINK
IMMEDIATELY IS LISTENING, WHAT
ELSE COULD IT BE?
LISTENING IN ON PEOPLE.
FRANK, I LOVE THE FBI BUT THEY
DID HAVE A TAPE RECORDER UNDER
MARTIN LUTHER KING'S BED, THIS
GOES WAY BACK, WHAT'S THE BEST
WAY TO STOP BAD GUYS?
LISTEN IN ON THE SHIT THEY ARE
THINKING AND PLANNING BEFORE
THEY EVEN KNOW YOU'RE IN ON IT.
>> IT'S TIME TO HAVE THIS
DISCUSSION SERIOUSLY BECAUSE IF
YOU ROB A BANK, YOU DON'T GET
ARRESTED FOR TRESPASS, YOU GET
ARRESTED FOR ROBBING A BANK,
IT'S A SERIOUS CRIME, ACTUALLY A
CRIME AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT.
WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CAPITOL?
IS IT TRESPASS?
WE ARE SEEING PEOPLE GET
ARRESTED FOR TRESPASS, THEFT OF
NANCY PELOSI'S PODIUM WHICH I'M
SURE IS NEAR AND DEAR TO HER BUT
THAT DOESN'T REFLECT THE GRAVITY
OF WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT HAPPENED
WAS AN INSURRECTION, WHAT
HAPPENED WAS DOMESTIC TERRORISM
AND WE CAN'T CHARGE IT.
DOMESTIC TERRORISM IS THE ONLY
CRIMINAL CATEGORY IN THE FBI
WHERE THEY CAN INVESTIGATE YOU
BUT THEY CAN NEVER CHARGE YOU,
THERE'S NO SUCH CRIME.
>> Bill: I'M ASKING YOU WHAT
IS THE LAW THAT WE ARE GOING TO
PASS THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE
THIS AND IS ALSO GOING TO
RESPECT THE FOURTH AMENDMENT?
>> I ADVOCATE A LAW THAT LOOKS
JUST LIKE INTERNATIONAL
TERRORISM.
IF YOU CHANGE THE RELIGION OF
THOSE PEOPLE AT THE CAPITOL
BUILDING ON JANUARY 6TH AND YOU
MAKE THEIR MISSION VIOLENT JIHAD
OR ESTABLISHING A CALIPHATE, ALL
OF A SUDDEN WE HAVE
INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM LAW AND
THEY GO TO THE PRISON FOR THE
REST OF THEIR LIVES.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: THE DIFFERENCE IS WE
WOULD BE LISTENING TO THOSE
PEOPLE OVERSEAS.
WE WOULD BE LISTENING TO THEM --
WE ARE ALLOWED TO LISTEN TO
CALLS FROM PAKISTAN.
>> LET ME CATCH YOU UP, WE
LISTEN TO THOSE PEOPLE HERE,
INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM LAW HER
HERE.
>> Bill: DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
CONNECTED TO SOMETHING OVERSEAS?
THESE PEOPLE, THE PEOPLE WHO
ATTACK THE CAPITOL WOULD NOT BE
IN THAT CATEGORY, IT'S A LITTLE
BIT DIFFERENT.
>> THAT'S MY POINT.
>> Bill: YOU'RE SAYING WE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO LISTEN IN ON
THEM TOO.
>> I'M SAYING THE FBI IS
SAYING --
>> Bill: I'M NOT AGAINST THAT.
>> LET'S TALK IT OUT, WHEN FBI
AGENTS RANK AND FILE WRITE A
LETTER TO CONGRESS AS THEY DID
LAST YEAR AND SAY THE DOMESTIC
TERRORISM OCCURRING UNDER THIS
ADMINISTRATION IS SOMETHING WE
CAN'T HANDLE AND DON'T HAVE THE
INVESTIGATIVE TOOLS FOR AND WE
NEED A DOMESTIC TERRORISM LAW.
WHEN THE FOLKS WHO ARE CHARGED
WITH PROTECTING US SAY THEY
CAN'T DO IT, WE SHOULD LISTEN TO
THEM.
IT'S BEEN PROPOSED FREQUENTLY IN
THE HOUSE AND SENATE AND KEEPS
GETTING KNOCKED DOWN, IT GETS
KNOCKED DOWN BECAUSE OF CIVIL
LIBERTIES CONCERNS BUT IT'S TIME
TO CALL IT WHAT IT IS.
>> Bill: YOU WOULD ALSO ALLOW,
WOULD YOU NOT, AS BAD AS THE
PROUD BOYS AND BOOGALOO BOYS AND
WHOEVER THESE CRAZY PEOPLE ARE,
THEY ARE NOT TRYING TO ACQUIRE
NUCLEAR WEAPONS LIKE THE JIHADIS
ARE.
>> I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT
THAT.
>> Bill: COME ON, THEY'RE
GOING TO BLOW UP THEIR OWN?
>> LET'S TALK ABOUT ARRESTS THAT
HAVE BEEN MADE WITH PEOPLE
BUILDING RADIOACTIVE BOMBS,
BIOCHEMICAL WARFARE, ANTHRAX,
RICIN, THEY ARE TRYING.
HERE'S THE THING, THIS KIND OF
CIVIL LIBERTIES THING IS VALID
BUT ALSO STOPS US FROM HAVING
THE LAW SO LET'S TAKE BABY
STEPS, WE ARE NOT GOING TO GET
INTO TOOLS AND A SPYING ON
AMERICAN CITIZENS BUT BY GOD
WHEN THEY DO IT AND WE CATCH
THEM, LET'S CHARGE THEM WITH
SOMETHING THAT SENDS THEM AWAY
FOR 20 YEARS TO LIFE BECAUSE
THEY ARE TERRORISTS.
>> Bill: THEY CERTAINLY ARE.
LET ME ASK YOU WHAT YOU THINK IS
BEHIND THAT.
OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE THIS VAST
ARRAY OF SEETHING MEN -- IT'S
ALWAYS MEN, MOSTLY MEN, USUALLY
WHITE MEN, OKAY -- PROUD BOYS,
HAVE YOU EVER FOUND OUT WHAT
THEY ARE PROUD OF?
[LAUGHTER]
HAS THE AGENCY GOTTEN THAT?
TO ME, IT'S PROBABLY MORE WHAT'S
GOING ON IN THEIR PERSONAL LIFE
AND THEN THEY ATTACH POLITICS TO
IT.
I THINK IT'S THE SAME THING WITH
ISLAMIC TERRORISM.
I THINK IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND
YOU'RE GETTING LAID, YOU'RE NOT
BLOWING SHIT UP.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> THIS IS MY POINT, WHAT WE'VE
SEEN OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS
LOOKS A LOT TO ME LIKE THE KIND
OF RADICALIZATION PROCESS WE SEE
WHEN PEOPLE MOVE TOWARDS VIOLENT
JIHAD AND IT IS SOMETHING IN
THEIR LIFE THAT CAUSES THEM TO
LOOK FOR A CAUSE GREATER THAN
THEMSELVES, A FEELING OF
DISENFRANCHISEMENT AND I THINK
YOU'RE MAKING MY POINT, THESE
ARE RADICALIZED PEOPLE WHO NEED
TO BE TREATED LIKE DOMESTIC
TERRORISTS.
>> Bill: I WOULD DISAGREE WITH
THAT COME I'M JUST QUIZZING YOU.
>> DID I PASS?
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: JANUARY 6TH THING
WASN'T THE FBI'S BEAT, BUT WHEN
I THINK OF THE FBI I THINK THAT
IS THE LAST LINE OF DEFENSE
HERE, SHOULD THEY HAVE DONE
MORE?
I THINK OF THAT TERM FAILURE OF
IMAGINATION THAT WE HAD AFTER
9/11, I FEEL LIKE THEY FAILED TO
IMAGINE THAT PEOPLE WHO WERE
PRO-TRUMP WOULD ALSO BE SO
AGAINST AUTHORITY.
IT SEEMS COUNTERINTUITIVE BUT
IT'S NOT.
>> HERE'S WHAT I'VE BEEN CALLING
THE INSURRECTION, IT'S NOT A
FAILURE OF INTELLIGENCE SO MUCH
AS A FAILURE TO ACT ON AVAILABLE
INTELLIGENCE.
YOU AND I CAN SIT AT HOME ON OUR
RECLINER AND WATCH ON
SOCIAL MEDIA THIS THING PLAY OUT
ABOUT TWO WEEKS BEFORE
INSURRECTION.
THEY HAD IT, THEY DID PASS IT TO
THE CAPITOL POLICE, FBI OFFICES
SAID YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A
PROBLEM HERE.
THE PROBLEM IS TWO FOLD.
THE FBI DOESN'T PROTECT
BUILDINGS BUT ALSO I'M NOT
BUYING THIS WE TOLD THE CAPITOL
POLICE, NOT OUR PROBLEM, THAT'S
NOT HOW IT WORKS.
YOU'RE RIGHT, IF WE CHANGE
RELIGION OR COLOR OF ALL THESE
PEOPLE PLANNING THIS WE MIGHT
HAVE SEEN A MORE AGGRESSIVE
RESPONSE, THAT'S A PROBLEM.
>> Bill: THANK YOU, FRANK, YOU
LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE
ON TV, YOU SHOULD BE BACK IN THE
FBI BUILDING.
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL!
HE'S THE HOST OF SNAPCHAT'S
POLITICAL SHOW "GOOD LUCK
AMERICA" AND CONTRIBUTING WRITER
FOR VANITY FAIR: PETER HAMBY.
[APPLAUSE]
HE'S THE CO-HOST OF "THE FIFTH
COLUMN" PODCAST: KMELE FOSTER.
GREAT TO SEE YOU BOTH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCH THE
FIRST PRESS BRIEFING THE DAY
BIDEN WAS INAUGURATED, I DON'T
EVEN HAVE THE NAMES YET.
>> JEN PSAKI.
>> Bill: SHE IS GOOD TO.
>> THE BAR IS LOW.
>> Bill: RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
IT GIVES HER A SHOT RIGHT OFF
THE BAT.
>> SHE IS GREAT BUT THE BAR IS
LOW.
>> Bill: OF COURSE IT IS BUT
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE, I FEEL LIKE
TALKING TO MY FRIENDS, EVERYONE
HAS THIS DREAMLIKE QUALITY TO
THE EXPERIENCE, DID THAT REALLY
HAPPEN?
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THE
TV SHOW DALLAS, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
FOR SURE BUT THEY HAD A WHOLE
EPISODE WHERE IT WAS A DREAM,
PEOPLE DIDN'T LIKE THE WHOLE
SEASON, IT WAS A DREAM AND THE
NEXT SEASON STARTED AND GUYS IN
THE SHOWER ARE LIKE I DREAMED
THAT SEASON, THAT'S HOW I FELT.
>> IT WAS SHOCKINGLY NORMAL AND
I THINK IT WAS HELPED BY THE
FACT THAT WHATEVER YOU THINK
ABOUT THE IDEA OF A TECH
PLATFORM KICKING A POLITICAL
LEADER OF A PLATFORM, IT WAS
HELPED BY THE FACT THAT TRUMP
WASN'T ABLE TO TWEET DURING THE
INAUGURATION FOR THE FIRST FEW
DAYS, IT DOES FEEL LIKE THE
WHOLE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS
JUST DISAPPEARED AND WE LIVED
THROUGH A FEVER DREAM.
>> Bill: HERE'S THE KEY
QUESTION, HOW MUCH POWER DOES HE
RETAIN?
DONALD TRUMP.
THAT WILL TELL A LOT.
IS IT THE END OF TRAINING DAY
WERE DENZEL WASHINGTON IS LIKE
"I'M KING KONG UP HERE" AND THEY
ARE LIKE "NO YOU'RE NOT ANYMORE,
YOUR POWER IS GONE."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
>> IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN, THERE
IS SOME INDICATION THAT SOME OF
TRUMP'S BASE OF SUPPORT SEEMS TO
BE ERODING, HIS BRAND IS I WIN,
I GO OUT AND I WIN AND HE VERY
MUCH LOST IN TH THERE MAY BE A
NARRATIVE OUT THERE ABOUT HAVING
WON BUT A LOT OF FOLKS AREN'T
BUYING THAT ANYMORE.
NIXON LEADS OFFICE, REPUBLICANS
ARE HIGH ON HIM, LESS RELUCTANT
TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE AWFULNESS.
>> Bill: THEY SAY HE'S
STARTING THIS PATRIOT PARTY,
THAT'S THE NAME OF IT.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE NAZIS TO ME,
NOT LIKE THEY ARE KILLING ALL
THE JEWS, WHENEVER YOU ARE THAT
BLATANT ABOUT IT WE ARE THE
PATRIOTS, WHERE THE GOOD PEOPLE.
>> WOULD YOU PREFER TRUMP
ORGANIZATION IS THE NAME OF THE
NEW ENTITY?
>> Bill: I ACTUALLY WOULD DO.
"PATRIOT PARTY" IS VERY BROWN
SHIRTY, ALL THE PEOPLE WHO
BELIEVE MIGHT IS RIGHT, TWO
GENERATIONS PAST WHERE THEY
TAUGHT ANYTHING IN SCHOOL, IT'S
NOT LIKE PEOPLE KNOW THEY ARE
VIOLATING THE CONSTITUTION
BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO CLUE WHAT'S
IN IT TO BEGIN WITH.
THEY DON'T KNOW THEY ARE
FASCISTS BUT THEY ARE.
THEY ARE ALL GOING TO BE IN THE
PATRIOT PARTY AND THAT'S GOING
TO BE A DANGEROUS -- TALK ABOUT
FIFTH COLUMN.
>> I SAW SOME PEOPLE ON TWITTER
SNICKERING ABOUT THE IDEA OF
TRUMP CREATING A PATRIOT PARTY
IN PART BECAUSE TRUMP DOESN'T
HAVE THE WORK ETHIC TO DO SUCH A
THING.
>> TRUMP UNIVERSITY, TRUMP
STAKES.
>> Bill: HE HAS PEOPLE AROUND
HIM.
>> I TAKE IT SOMEWHAT SERIOUSLY,
USE ALL THESE PEOPLE IN THE
CONSERVATIVE UNIVERSE FROM
LOU DOBBS TO CHARLIE KIRK SAY
THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.
IF ANYONE CAN GET BALLOT ACCESS,
RAISE SMALL DONOR MONEY, HAVE
SUPPORT IN EVERY SINGLE STATE
OUTSIDE OF A POLITICAL PARTY,
IT'S DONALD TRUMP.
THE PROBLEM IS IT WOULD JUST
DEPRIVE HIM IN A DIFFERENT WAY
OF POWER.
THE WAFER TRUMP IS TO REACH
SUCCESS IS TO DO THE HOSTILE
TAKEOVER OF THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY, TO WIN REPUBLICAN
PRIMARIES AND WIN ELECTIONS.
PATRIOT PARTY WOULD HOLD DOWN
REPUBLICAN VOTES AS A THIRD
PARTY IN THE GENERAL ELECTION,
IT WOULD ALLOW DEMOCRATS TO WIN
BECAUSE IT WOULD SIPHON VOTERS
OUT OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
>> ANOTHER AVENUE IS TO TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF ONE OF THE PARTIES
THAT EXIST COME ANOTHER
LIBERTARIAN PARTY OR ONE OF THE
REFORM PARTY'S -- I'M MORE
SKEPTICAL OF THIS PROPOSITION,
IT TAKES A GREAT DEAL OF
ORGANIZATION.
IF THERE'S ANYTHING WE KNOW
ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, HE'S NOT
WELL ORGANIZED.
>> Bill: I MUST TELL YOU
GENTLEMEN, THIS DOES SOUND LIKE
THE SAME SHIT I HEARD BEFORE HE
BECAME PRESIDENT.
DONALD TRUMP IS JUST A BUFFOON,
HE'S NOT SERIOUS, HE'LL NEVER DO
THIS, HE'LL NEVER DO THAT AND HE
DID IT ALL.
>> BALLOT ACCESS H IS DIFFERENT
FROM HAVING BRAND NAME
RECOGNITION.
THE NOTION OF REFERRING TO THESE
PEOPLE AS FASCISTS -- I OFTEN
WORRY ABOUT GIVING THE MAN TOO
MUCH CREDIT AND I WORRY ABOUT
USING WORDS THAT ARE HIGHLY
CHARGED THAT MAY NOT IN FACT
ILLUMINATE THE CONVERSATION.
>> Bill: I AGREE WITH THAT IN
THEORY, THERE'S A LOT OF
DEFINITIONS OF FASCISM.
I'VE HEARD MANY OVER THE YEARS,
LEARNED OF PEOPLE DISAGREE BUT
THE ONE THING WE LINE UP BEHIND,
THE IDEA THAT MIGHT MAKES RIGHT
AND WE DON'T RESPECT DEMOCRATIC
NORMS.
IF YOU CAN'T CALL WHAT THE
PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO UNDO THE
ELECTION, EVEN THE REPUBLICAN
JUDGES -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
FASCISM IS.
WHAT DEFINITION DO WE HAVE FOUR
AT?
THAT IS FASCISM, A LOT OF THESE
PEOPLE, EVEN THE REPUBLICANS IN
CONGRESS, THEY ARE NOT SORRY
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON
JANUARY 6TH, THEY ARE SORRY
DIDN'T WORK.
>> THEY ARE SORRY IT HAPPENED TO
THEM, THEY FELT PERSONALLY
THREATENED.
THAT'S ONE REASON McCONNELL IS
SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS.
>> I'M SKEPTICAL THEY DON'T
REGRET THIS HAPPENED.
I JUST WANT TO PUT IT INTO
ANOTHER CONTEXT, IMAGINE ONE
POSSIBILITY, WHAT WE'VE SEEN
OVER THE LAST TEN, 12 MONTHS IS
A BIT OF UNRAVELING.
THIS ESCALATION OF POLITICAL
VIOLENCE IT IS NOT LIMITED TO
THE RIGHT BUT IT HAS EXISTED ON
THE LEFT AS WELL.
WE SAW $2 BILLION WORTH OF
DAMAGE DONE OVER SEVERAL MONTHS,
WE SAW DAYS OF CIVIL UNREST IN
THE STREETS, WAS A FEDERAL
BUILDING SURROUNDED AND HELD
UNDER SIEGE FOR DAYS AT A TIME.
THIS IS THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA AND WE HAVE SEEN A
STEADY INCREASE IN THE
REGULARITY AND FREQUENCY OF
POLITICAL VIOLENCE IN THIS
COUNTRY AND IF THERE IS A
BROADER TREND AS OPPOSED TO A
SPECIFIC MOVEMENT THAT IS
BROKEN, THEN WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT TOO NARROW A PROBLEM AS
OPPOSED TO THE RIGHT PROBLEM
WHICH MIGHT BE A MAJOR DEFECT IN
OUR POLICY.
>> GOING BACK TO THE SEATTLE WT
OH PROTESTS IN 2,000, THERE'S
ALWAYS BEEN AN ANARCHIST BLACK
BLOCK OF GUTTER PUNK ON THE
LEFT.
>> THIS WAS SUSTAINED COME
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
>> SURE, BUT TRUMP HAS INFECTED
EVERY STATE CAPITAL.
>> WE WERE PROMISED ARMED
REBELLION, THAT DID NOT
MATERIALIZE WHICH IS WHY I'M
SAYING I'M WORRIED WE MAY BE
MISSED CASTING THIS.
IF WE ARE THINKING IT'S TRUMP
AND TRUMP IS THE PROBLEM, AS YOU
MENTIONED ALREADY EARLIER IN THE
SHOW, WE SAW HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE
IN THE STREETS BREAKING WINDOWS
AFTER BIDEN WON.
SOMETHING IS WRONG AND I WORRY
WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS.
>> Bill: THAT'S A GREAT
QUESTION TO GET TO KNOW THAT
WE'VE GOTTEN RID OF TRUMP, WE
ARE FACED WITH THIS PROBLEM AS
AMERICANS.
NOW WE CAN'T BLAME EVERYTHING ON
HIM.
NOW WE HAVE TO LOOK IN THE
MIRROR AND WE'LL FIND OUT IN THE
NEXT HUNDRED DAYS IF IT WAS ALL
TRUMP WHO WAS THE BAD GUY AND I
SAID FROM THE BEGINNING WITH THE
VIRUS, HE CERTAINLY PLAYED HIS
PART HORRIBLY BEGINNING WITH
GETTING THAT LITTLE TEAM OUT OF
CHINA THAT COULD'VE STOPPED
STOPPED THE WHOLE FUCKING THING
TO BEGIN WITH, BUT IT'S ALSO ON
THE AMERICAN MEDICAL
ESTABLISHMENT THAT NEVER TOLD
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, THE BEST
WAY YOU CAN HANDLE THIS IS GET
YOURSELF IN BETTER SHAPE, GET
YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM BETTER, STOP
EATING SHIT FOOD AND SUGAR AND
DAY DRINKING, THEY NEVER HAD THE
GUTS TO DO THAT, THEY WOULDN'T
EVEN SAY THE WORD OBESITY ON
TELEVISION.
THAT WOULD BE FAT SHAMING.
THE CODE NOW IS "PRECONDITION."
CAN AMERICA DO THIS?
COMPETENCE IS ALWAYS WHAT I COME
BACK TO.
I SEE IT ON A PERSONAL LEVEL IN
MY LIFE, WE ALL DO WHEN WE USED
TO GO OUT -- WHEN WE USED TO
HAVE DAYS TO GO OUT IN -- AND I
SEE IT ON A NATIONAL LEVEL, CAN
WE DO SHIT ANYMORE?
WE CAN'T SEEM TO GET THE VACCINE
ROLE OUTGOING, THAT'S NOT A
GREAT HARBINGER OF WHAT'S TO
COME.
CAN WE, EVEN IF WE CAN'T BLAME
IT ON TRUMP?
>> HERE IN THE GREAT SOCIALIST
REPUBLIC OF CALIFORNIA, IT'S
INSANELY HARD TO GET --
>> Bill: DON'T GET ME STARTED,
YOU KNOW WHERE I'M GOING.
>> SAME.
HERE'S A GOOD EXAMPLE, MY
PARENTS ARE IN THEIR EARLY
70s, MY MOM GOT VACCINATED
TODAY AT A DISTRIBUTION CENTER
IN RICHMOND, VIRGINIA.
MY DAD IS GETTING VACCINATED AT
A KROGER.
OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IS SO
BUNK THAT WE ARE GOING TO CVS
AND WALGREENS AND I THINK IT'S A
LITTLE BIT TOO GLIB OF THE LEFT
TO SAY THAT NATIONALIZED
HEALTH CARE IN THIS COUNTRY
WOULD HAVE MADE OUR COVID
RESPONSE THAT MUCH BETTER BUT
CERTAINLY ON THE DISTRIBUTION
FRONT, IT WOULD'VE BEEN WAY
BETTER.
NHS ISN'T TELLING PEOPLE IN
THEIR COMMUNITIES IN THE U.K.,
COME ON IN, WE'LL STICK YOUR
ARM -- YOUR HALF THE COUNTRY
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET A
VACCINE, LITERALLY ACCORDING TO
SURVEYS.
I DON'T KNOW WHEN MY TURN COMES
WHERE I'LL GET THE VACCINE.
>> Bill: ONE THING WE ARE GOOD
AT AND IT'S BIPARTISAN, WE ARE
ABLE TO PRINT MONEY WE DON'T
HAVE AND HANDED OUT TO THE NEEDY
AND UNMEDIA LIKE.
THAT SEEMS TO BE WHAT WE ARE
REALLY GOOD AT, PRINTING NEW
MONEY AND GIVING IT AWAY.
THAT'S WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO.
>> ARE YOU PAUL RYAN NOW?
>> Bill: IS THAT WRONG?
>> I THINK IT'S WORTH BEING
CONCERNED ABOUT A CIRCUMSTANCE
WHERE WE'VE CREATED EFFECTIVELY
AROUND $5 TRILLION OVER THE
COURSE OF 11 MONTHS.
IF IT'S A $20 TRILLION ECONOMY,
THAT IS A BIG DEAL AND THE
QUESTION WHETHER OR NOT WE ARE
DOING THAT IN A BIG WAY IS A BIG
DEAL.
>> Bill: TO ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION, I'M NOT PAUL RYAN BUT
IF I AGREED WITH HIM ON
SOMETHING IT WOULDN'T MAKE ME A
HORRIBLE PERSON.
THAT'S THE ARGUMENT THAT YOU
SOUND LIKE SOMEONE ON THE RED
TEAM YOU MUST BE WRONG.
I'M JUST SAYING -- I WOULD
RATHER SEE THE MONEY TARGETED
MORE, I DON'T FEEL LIKE WE ARE
GREAT AT TARGETING, THE ONLY
THING WE CAN DO PRECISELY IS
BOMB.
WHEN WE WANT TO BOMB SOMETHING,
THAT'S THE ONE THING --
EVERYTHING ELSE IS WE SPRAY IT,
WE JUST SPRAY IT AROUND.
>> I TALKED TO SOME REPUBLICAN
LEADERSHIP IN THE SENATE
YESTERDAY ABOUT THE BILL,
BIDEN'S PROPOSAL, $1.9 TRILLION,
REMEMBER THE STIMULUS IN 2009
WAS 800 BILLION?
>> Bill: AND THEY WENT BACK
SHIT.
>> THAT'S WHEN WE GOT THE
EUPHEMISM, JOBS CREATED OR SAVED
WHICH WAS FAKE.
>> BIDEN PRESIDED OVER THE
RECOVERY IN 2008 AND HE HAS A
LOT OF IDEAS BUT THE REPUBLICAN
VIEWPOINT ON THIS IN THE SENATE
IS WHAT YOU GUYS ARE SAYING,
CHECKS -- A LOT OF REPUBLICANS
CAME OUT FOR THAT TOO THOUSAND
DOLLAR CHECK, CHECKS COULD WORK,
VACCINE CREATION AND
DISTRIBUTION, THAT COULD WORK
BUT THEY ARE BALKING AT THE IDEA
THAT WE HAVE ALREADY ALLOTTED
FOR TRILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF
SPENDING OVER THE LAST YEAR, WE
ARE GOING TO GIVE MORE MONEY TO
STATES AND THE CITIES, THEY
AREN'T SURE ABOUT THAT AND THEY
ALSO THINK THAT CHUCK SCHUMER
AND NANCY PELOSI ARE GOING TO
LARD UP THIS BILL WITH WHATEVER
THEY WANT TO.
>> Bill: TOM BRADY GOT MONEY
THE LAST TIME AND JOEL OSTEEN
AND SOME OF IT YOU CAN NEVER
TRANSFER MONEY EXCEPT FOR A
LEAKY BUCKET, I GET SOME OF
THAT.
IT JUST SEEMS LIKE WE DON'T DO
ANYTHING WITH GREAT CARE.
WHY NOT?
WE ARE MAKING MONEY WITH A MINT
ANYWAY.
>> I THINK THE BIDEN PEOPLE SAY
THIS PRIVATELY THIS IS A
STARTING POINT, THERE'S GOING TO
BE A NEGOTIATION AND I THINK
IT'S IN BIDEN'S HEART THAT HE
WANTS TO PEEL OFF SOME
REPUBLICAN SENATORS.
>> WRITING CHECKS IS EASY, THE
REALLY HARD STUFF, THE SINGLE
MOST IMPORTANT THING THEY CAN DO
IS REOPEN SCHOOLS AND FOCUS LIKE
A LASER ON HOW TO HELP STATES DO
THAT WOULD --
>> THIS MONEY FOR THAT IN THE
PROPOSAL.
>> IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN
MONEY AND UNFORTUNATELY I THINK
THERE'S A LOT OF GRANDSTANDING
TAKING PLACE.
THE PROFOUND FAILURE OF THIS
ENTIRE GOVERNMENT, THE
BUREAUCRACY, DEMOCRATS AND
REPUBLICANS ALIKE TO ACTUALLY
RISE TO THE OCCASION AND MEET
THIS CHALLENGE, THEY FAILED
PROFOUNDLY.
THE QUESTION OF WHAT WE DO FROM
HERE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
QUESTION WE OUGHT TO BE
PONDERING AND WE DON'T HAVE
TRUMP TO KICK AROUND.
>> I THINK ONE OF THE DUMBEST
THINGS OF COVID GOING BACK TO
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, WE THINK --
A LOT OF PEOPLE ON THE LEFT
THINK JUST BECAUSE DEMOCRATS ARE
DOING SOMETHING OR SAYING
SOMETHING IS AUTOMATICALLY
CORRECT AND IF REPUBLICANS DO
IT'S AUTOMATICALLY STUPID.
MAYOR GARCETTI IN LOS ANGELES,
GOVERNOR NEWSOM, WHY IS THE
GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK ANDREW
CUOMO SAINT OF COVID TO?
HIS TO IT -- A BOOK TOUR BEFORE
THE PANDEMIC IS EVEN OVERCOME
IT'S RIDICULOUS!
>> Bill: RIGHT.
HE PUT PEOPLE BACK IN THE
NURSING HOMES, HE DID THE WRONG
THING.
THE IDIOT IN FLORIDA DID IT
BETTER.
>> HE LET HIS POLITICAL
DISAGREEMENTS WITH THE MAYOR OF
NEW YORK CITY GET IN THE WAY OF
SWIFT AND GOOD DECISION-MAKING
AND HE'S HELD UP AS A PARAGON OF
GOOD GOVERNANCE BECAUSE HE'S A
DEMOCRAT TO.
>> Bill: IT'S GREAT TO HAVE A
NEW PRESIDENT, NOT JUST BECAUSE
THE LAST ONE WAS THE WORST
PERSON IN THE WORLD, BUT FOR
COMEDY -- WE NEED NEW COMEDY.
I WAS WATCHING THE INAUGURATION,
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF LET'S
JUST START RIGHT HERE.
I WAS LOOKING AT JOE BIDEN AND
IT LOOKED LIKE HIS MIND WAS
DRIFTING AT TIMES AND I THOUGHT
I THINK I CAN READ THIS MAN'S
MIND -- WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR
IT?
[APPLAUSE]
OH SURE, NOW.
SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WERE
GOING THROUGH HIS MIND.
J-LO?
I THOUGHT THEY SAID WE WERE
HAVING JELL-O.
NOT BAD FOR A KID FROM ANCIENT
ROME.
[LAUGHTER]
UH-OH.
I HOPE THAT WAS JUST GAS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I SEE LADY GAGA, BUT WHERE'S
LORD GAGA?
I AM SO GETTING LAID TONIGHT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
WHO'S SLEEPY NOW, FUCK-FACE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LET'S GET BACK ON THE DISCUSSION
OF THE ECONOMY, YOU HAVE BEEN
CRITICAL OF BLACK LIVES MATTER
RELATIONS WITH COMMUNISM AND
ANTICAPITALISM, THERE IS A NEW
AFRICAN-AMERICAN CONGRESSMAN WHO
SAID CAPITALISM IS THE NEW
SLAVERY.
TALKING ABOUT A BLACK LIVES
MATTER, YOU SAID "THEY ARE PART
OF A BROADER PROGRAM THAT IS
HOSTILE TOWARDS FREE MARKETS AND
CAPITALISM, HOSTILE TOWARDS
NOTIONS OF INDIVIDUALISM AND THE
SCIENTIFIC METHOD."
GIVE ME SOME EXAMPLES OF WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
>> THE IMPORTANT THING TO
CONSIDER IS ONE FOLKS TALK ABOUT
BLACK LIVES MATTER IT'S OFTEN
SAID THIS IS AN ETHICAL
STATEMENT, IF YOU CAN'T
ACKNOWLEDGE THIS, THAT'S A REAL
PROBLEM.
BLACK LIVES MATTER IS A
POLITICAL STATEMENT AND THERE'S
A POLITICAL PROGRAM ATTACHED TO
IT AND PLENTY OF PEOPLE BROADLY
MAY NOT BE AWARE OF IT BUT THE
FACT IT DOES HAVE SOME ROOTS IN
MARXISM, THERE ARE RADICAL
ELEMENTS OF THE BLACK LIVES
MATTER MOVEMENT THAT ARE VERY
DISINCLINED TOWARDS FREE MARKETS
AND CAPITALISM THAT CHALLENGE
BASIC NOTIONS THAT I THINK ARE
BROADLY SHARED BY AMERICANS
ABOUT EQUALITY UNDER THE LAW.
THIS PIVOT TOWARDS EQUITY AND IT
FOCUSES DISPROPORTIONATELY ON
OUTCOMES IS SOMETHING THAT IS
RATHER NEW BUT SEEMS TO HAVE
TAKEN THE COUNTRY BY STORM, THE
ONLY THING PEOPLE CAN TALK
ABOUT.
>> Bill: EQUITY AS OPPOSED TO
A QUALITY.
>> I CAN GIVE YOU A PRACTICAL
EXAMPLE OF THAT.
COVID WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT
A MOMENT AGO, WE KNOW THE MOST
VULNERABLE POPULATION WHEN IT
COMES TO COVID ARE OLDER PEOPLE,
IF I TOOK PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF
55, THAT'S 80% OF THE DEATHS.
THERE HAVE BEEN ACTUAL
CONVERSATIONS ABOUT PRIORITIZING
PEOPLE ON THE BASIS OF THEIR
RACE BECAUSE COVID IS SAID TO
DISPROPORTIONATELY IMPACT BLACK
PEOPLE RELATIVE TO WHITE PEOPLE.
IT IS A RIDICULOUS PROPOSITION
BUT IT'S A PROPOSITION THAT
FOUND ITS WAY INTO THE MOUTHS OF
GOVERNORS IN CALIFORNIA, THE
PAGES OF "THE NEW YORK TIMES."
>> WHY IS THAT RIDICULOUS?
>> WHEN WE TALK ABOUT THE GLOBAL
IMPACT OF COVID IN THE
UNITED STATES, 80% OF PEOPLE WHO
ARE DYING ARE OLDER, 18% OF THE
PEOPLE WHO ARE DYING ARE BLACK.
A LIFE LOST TO COVID IS A LIFE
THAT MATTERS AND WE CAN FOCUS ON
PEOPLE WHO ARE VULNERABLE
WITHOUT MAKING THIS ABOUT RACE.
MAKING IT ABOUT RACE ONLY
OBSCURES THE ACTUAL ISSUE.
>> IF YOU SEPARATE RACE FROM
ECONOMIC INSECURITY, SURE.
HISPANICS ARE HOSPITALIZED AT
THREE, FOUR TIMES THE RATE OF
WHITE PEOPLE FOR A VARIETY OF
REASONS.
THEY ARE ESSENTIAL WORKERS,
THEY'RE RIDING THE BUS.
>> THE IMPORTANT POINT IS IT'S
NOT FUNDAMENTALLY ABOUT RACE,
THERE MAY BE DIFFERENT ISSUES IN
THEIR COMMUNITIES, THEY LIVE IN
HOMES WITH MORE PEOPLE, THEY
LIVE IN MORE URBAN CENTERS, IF
THAT'S THE CASE THE POLICY YOU
ARE TAILORING IS FOR PEOPLE IN
URBAN CENTERS, NOT LATINOS.
THIS IS A CONFUSION OF
CATEGORIES THAT IS ACTUALLY
DISTRACTING US FROM FORGING GOOD
POLICY.
WHAT YOU GET IS GREAT SOUND
BITES COME YOU DON'T ACTUALLY
FIX PROBLEMS.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: SOMETHING HAPPENED
WITH WHITE PEOPLE, WHITE
LIBERALS, A CERTAIN SEGMENT OF
THEM REVELING IN GUILT THAT I
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND THIS IS A GOOD
ISSUE YOU CHOSE TO USE AS AN
EXAMPLE BECAUSE YOU'RE RIGHT, I
THINK IF YOU LOOK AT THE STATS,
IT DOES DISPROPORTIONATELY
AFFECT THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
COMMUNITY, BUT TO MAKE THE WHITE
PEOPLE FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEIR
GUILT, YOU ONLY HEAR ABOUT IT
BECAUSE OF RACISM, THAT IS A
PART OF IT, ANOTHER PART OF IT
IS OBESITY, NOT THAT THERE
AREN'T PLENTY OF FAT WHITE
PEOPLE.
ANOTHER PART OF IT IS VITAMIN D,
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT.
MY PASTY WHITE SKIN ABSORBS IT
EASILY, YOURS DOES NOT.
THAT'S JUST SCIENCE.
IT DOESN'T FIT THE PARADIGM OF
THIS IS A RACIST PLOT.
>> GEOGRAPHY IS A HUGE PART OF
IT.
>> Bill: SOMETIMES BECAUSE
THEY ARE POOR.
>> IF WE ACTUALLY LOOK AT THE
DATA POINTS WITH RESPECT --
WHERE DO BLACK PEOPLE LIVE, DO
THEY LIVE IN URBAN AREAS?
BLACK PEOPLE RELATIVE TO WHERE
THEY LIVE AND RELATIVE TO COVID
IMPACT MAY NOT BE SO
DISPROPORTIONATE.
>> LET IT BE STIPULATED,
COLLEGE-EDUCATED WHITE PEOPLE ON
THE INTERNET PROFESSING THEIR
WHITE GUILT AND DISPLAYING THEIR
VIRTUE ARE SOME OF THE WORST
PEOPLE IN POLITICS AND ARE
RUINING POLITICS.
[APPLAUSE]
HOWEVER, THIS IS ABOUT SHARED
SACRIFICE I THINK.
HEAR ME OUT ON THIS.
I AM WHITE GUY WHO HAS INCOME
AND ACCESS TO HEALTH CARE.
I AM ALSO WHITE GUY WHO REALLY
WANTS TO FUCKING GO TO A BAR, TO
GO TO CONCERTS, TO GO TO
RESTAURANTS AND IF WE VACCINATE
PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO
HEALTH CARE FIRST, MAYBE THAT
BRINGS HOSPITALIZATION RATES
DOWN, MAYBE WE CAN THEN GO BACK
TO FUCKING INDOOR DINING.
MAYBE I'M BEING SELFISH HERE.
>> I DON'T ACTUALLY SEE HOW THAT
COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE EFFECTIVE
THAN TARGETING THE PEOPLE WHO
ARE MOST VULNERABLE WITH
VACCINES.
WE ALREADY KNOW WE CAN FIND WAYS
TO LIVE WITH THE VIRUS.
>> BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE ARE
VULNERABLE.
>> THEY ARE NOT MORE VULNERABLE
BECAUSE OF THEIR BLACKNESS OR
LATINONESS.
>> Bill: LET ME GIVE YOU AN
EXAMPLE, LAST WEEK WE WERE
TALKING ABOUT THE MEDIA, IT'S A
DIFFERENT KIND OF MEDIA THAT WAS
TEN YEARS AGO, EVERY STORY HAS
TO BE INTERPRETED BY HOW IS MY
DEMOGRAPHIC GOING TO LIKE THIS.
WE FOUND OUT TRUMPETED BETTER
WITH MINORITIES THAN OTHER
REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTS, YOU WOULD
NEVER HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT THIS
ON MSNBC.
THEY WOULD NOT HAVE YOU ON.
>> YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.
>> Bill: IT'S A DIFFERENT
POINT OF VIEW THAT GETS ON THE
BUBBLE THAT MAKES THEM TURN THE
DIAL TO ANOTHER CHANNEL BUT WHAT
IS YOUR VIEW ON THAT?
>> I THINK SOME OF THE REPORTING
AFTER THE ELECTION.
>> DON'T SPLAIN WHITE.
I'M KIDDING!
IT'S A JOKE.
>> Bill: WHAT A BAD MOMENT FOR
THE WHITE GUY TO INTERRUPT.
>> I'M SORRY, COME DOWN OVER
THERE.
>> I DON'T THINK IT'S UNRELATED
TO WHAT I WAS HINTING AT BEFORE,
I THINK THERE WAS A GENERAL
DISSATISFACTION, I THINK MOST
PEOPLE AREN'T VOTING IN FAVOR OF
THINGS, THEIR VOTING AGAINST
THINGS, PEOPLE HAVE NOT BEEN
WAITING AROUND FOR 50 ODD YEARS
THAT JOE BIDEN HAS BEEN IN
PUBLIC LIFE, YOU KNOW WHO WE
NEED AS PRESIDENT MORE THAN
ANYBODY IN THE WORLD?
SLEEPY JOE BIDEN, THAT'S A GUY
WE NEED.
JOE BIDEN ARRIVED AT THE RIGHT
TIME AND MR. MAGOOED HIS WAY
INTO THE WHITE HOUSE AGAINST ONE
OF THE MOST UNPOPULAR HUMANS ON
EARTH.
>> Bill: THIS IS WHAT I'VE
ALWAYS SAID, FORGIVE ME IF I
REPEATING THIS BUT TO ME THE
ULTIMATE WHITE PRIVILEGE, YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY?
>> NO.
>> Bill: IS BEING ABLE TO BE
IMPRACTICAL.
BLACK PEOPLE HAVE TO BE
PRACTICAL, RIGHT?
THEY DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY.
>> SOMETIMES I CAN BE
IMPRACTICAL.
>> Bill: RIGHT, I'M SAYING IN
GENERAL AND POLITICALLY YOU SEE
THAT ALL THE TIME, THEY WERE
VERY PRACTICAL ABOUT JOE BIDEN.
IT WASN'T WHO THEY LOVE, IT WAS
WHO WAS POSSIBLE.
>> THEY GOT LUCKY AND DODGED A
BIT OF A BULLET, THE NUMBERS
WERE HUGE FOR EVERYBODY ACROSS
THE BOARD.
>> ON THE FLIP SIDE OF THAT,
SOME OF THE REASONS TRUMP DID
WELL AMONG HISPANICS AND THIS
WAS REPORTED THROUGHOUT THE
RIO GRANDE VALLEY IN TEXAS,
TRUMP OUTRAN BIDEN BY
SIGNIFICANT MARGIN COMPARED TO
LAST ELECTION, THEY LIKE THE
CHECKS!
THEY LIKE THE CHECKS SIGNED BY
DONALD TRUMP THAT CAME THROUGH
AFTER THE LAST COVID BILL.
TRUMP IF HE HAD UNDERSTOOD
BETTER THE TRANSACTIONAL NATURE
OF POLITICS AND GOVERNING MIGHT
HAVE WON IF HE HAD REALLY
FOCUSED ON THAT.
THAT'S PRACTICALITY, THEY ARE
LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT
GOVERNMENT DOES FOR ME BUT IF
I'M GETTING A CHECK FOR THIS
GUY, SHIT, I'M GOING TO VOTE FOR
HIM.
THAT'S POWERFUL, HIS NUMBERS ON
THE ECONOMY THROUGHOUT THE
CAMPAIGN WERE PRETTY GOOD
COMPARED TO THE REST OF HIS POLL
NUMBERS WHICH ARE IN THE
SHITTER.
>> Bill: AM I WRONG TO NOT
WANT TO SEE RACE ALL THE TIME?
THAT'S HOW I WAS BROUGHT UP.
THAT'S WHAT A GOOD LIBERAL DOES
IS YOU DON'T SEE RACE AND NOW
THEY SWITCHED IT ALL AROUND AND
I'M BAD BECAUSE I DON'T SEE IT
ALL THE TIME.
HIS UBIQUITY EVEN EFFECTIVE TO
MAKE PEOPLE AWARE OF THIS ISSUE
AT EVERY TURN?
>> ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS THAT
BY THE ADMINISTRATION DID IS GOT
RID OF THESE PROHIBITIONS OF
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION'S PUT ON
THIS DIVERSITY AND INCLUSION
TRAINING AND ONE THING THAT WE
KNOW AND THAT'S UNFORTUNATE WHEN
I HAVE TO AGREE WITH
DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE IT'S VERY
UNPOPULAR TO DO IN MANY CIRCLES
BUT ONE THING WE HAVE TO
ACKNOWLEDGE IS THIS DIVERSITY
AND INCLUSION TRAINING CAN OFTEN
INCREASE PEOPLE'S RATION
SRACIALSENSITIVITY, TALKING OFTT
RACISM AND DISCRIMINATION CAN
MAKE PEOPLE PRESUME IT EXISTS
AND PLACES IT DOES NOT AND WE
HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE RACISM IS A
SUBJECTIVE ALLEGATION.
I CAN PRESUME INTENT ON YOUR
BEHALF WHETHER OR NOT IT IS
ACTUALLY THERE AND THAT IS A
MAJOR DEFECT AND I DON'T WANT TO
BE THE OBJECT OF YOUR SPECIAL
CONCERN.
>> Bill: RIGHT.
>> THIS IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: I'M SO SYMPATHETIC TO
THE CAUSE BUT DON'T GASLIGHT ME
AND THIS IS WHAT I HEAR
PRIVATELY FROM MY BLACK FRIENDS
COME I DON'T WANT TO BE THE
FOCAL POINT, I JUST WANT TO
BLEND IN.
I WANT TO HAVE A BEER LIKE YOU,
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE I HAVE TO
MAKE A SPEECH ABOUT IT OR THAT
YOU HAVE TO MAKE A SPEECH ABOUT
IT.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS QUESTION, IS
THE PICTURE OF AMERICA THAT IS
PRESENTED BY THE RADICALS I
WOULD SAY, BLACK LIVES MATTER
SOME OF THEM, ANTIRACIST OF
AMERICA 2021, IS IT AN ACCURATE
PICTURE?
SOMETIMES IN LIKE ARE THEY
TALKING ABOUT 2021?
>> I DON'T THINK SO, I THINK
THERE ARE A LOT OF ISSUES, WE
COULD TALK A LOT ABOUT CRIMINAL
JUSTICE REFORM OR WE TRAFFIC IN
A GREAT DEAL OF HYPERBOLE,
PEOPLE WHO QUITE FRANKLY DO NOT
HAVE SERIOUS GROUNDING IN THESE
ISSUES ARE OUT IN THE STREETS
SCREAMING ABOUT THEM, THEY'VE
GOT THE BULLHORN IN THEIR HANDS
AND THEY DON'T KNOW THE NUMBERS.
I'M ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN I SEE
OUTRAGE IN PORTLAND OVER THESE
ISSUES AND I GO BACK AND LOOK AT
THE NUMBER OF POLICE INVOLVED
SHOOTINGS OR DEATHS IN CUSTODY
IN THE NUMBERS SIMPLY DO NOT
BEAR OUT THIS GENOCIDE AGAINST
BLACK AMERICA.
IT'S NOT A THING, WHAT WE DO
KNOW IS WE NEED CRIMINAL JUSTICE
REFORM BUT IT'S BECAUSE THERE
ARE GENUINE IMPACTS ACROSS THE
BOARD IN MANY INSTANCES AND A
LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY AND
TRANSPARENCY.
THOSE SMART POLICIES DON'T
REQUIRE US TO THINK IN TERMS OF
RACISM.
>> Bill: I FEEL LIKE ALL THIS
ENERGY GOES TOWARDS THIS
EMOTIONAL PART INSTEAD OF -- OF
COURSE THERE IS SYSTEMIC RACISM
IN AMERICA.
WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE STATS OF
BLACK WEALTH VERSUS WHITE WELL
FOR HEALTH CARE, YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT HOW LONG PEOPLE LIVE.
THERE'S A MILLION THINGS YOU CAN
LOOK AT, HE WOULD SAY OBVIOUSLY
IT'S BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS SORRY
HISTORY WHICH HAS CONTINUED TO
THE PRESENT BUT WHEN I LOOK AT
THE PRESENT AND VERY OFTEN
ASKING THE QUESTION ARE WE NOT
ADDRESSING WHAT SHOULD BE THE
DRUG WAR -- GET RID OF THE DRUG
WAR AND WOULDN'T YOU GET RID OF
A LOT OF THE BLACK DEATHS -- WHO
DIES IN CHICAGO?
IS IT MOSTLY BLACKS AT THE HANDS
OF POLICE?
ITS GANGS FIGHTING EACH OTHER
OVER DRUG TURF.
CONTRACEPTION, RETRAINING THE
COPS.
I FEEL LIKE THE PRACTICAL
PROGRAMS GET LOST BECAUSE AS YOU
SAY IT DOESN'T GET THE
HEADLINES.
>> I THINK BIDEN DESERVES MORE
CREDIT ON THIS STUFF,
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTED IN
MEETINGS WITH STAFFERS,
PARTICULARLY YOUNGER STAFFERS
WHO TRAFFIC AND A LOT OF STUFF
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT, ACADEMIC
LANGUAGE -- WHEN THEY USE
ACADEMIC LANGUAGE, BIDEN STOPS
THEM AND SAYS PICK UP THE PHONE
AND CALL YOUR GRANDMA.
IF SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, TRY AGAIN.
HIS NORTHSTAR HAS BEEN THE
NORMAL NOT ONLINE VOTER, A BLACK
PERSON OVER 50, A WHITE PERSON
IN THE SUBURBS WHO ISN'T
FOLLOWING THIS STUFF AND HE IS
REASONABLY CAREFUL ABOUT THE
RACIAL LANGUAGE THAT WE SEE
PEOPLE GET MAD ABOUT ON THE
INTERNET.
PARTIALLY BECAUSE HE IS NOT ON
THE INTERNET.
>> WE'VE SEEN IN RECENT DAYS
FOLKS WHO ARE PART OF TEAM BIDEN
SAY THINGS ALONG THE LINES OF
RACE AND SOCIAL JUSTICE ARE
GOING TO BE IN EVERY ASPECT OF
POLICY THAT WE DO, EVERY
ECONOMIC POLICY, THIS IS GOING
TO BE OUR LODESTONE AND THAT
SOUNDS LIKE A BIT OF A
CONSTITUTIONAL ISSUE WHICH WE
MAY HAVE TO EDUCATE AND I
SUSPECT WELL BUT TWO, IT DOESN'T
SOUND EFFECTIVE TO ME.
IF YOU WANT TO FOCUS ON REALLY
COMPLICATED PROBLEMS LIKE
EDUCATION, HEALTH CARE, THOSE
PROBLEMS ARE NOT THINGS THAT WE
GET A CLEAR PICTURE OF THAT WE
SEE BETTER WHEN WE INJECT RACE
INTO THE CONVERSATION.
RACE IS DIVISIVE, IT DIVIDES US
AND OBSCURES THE TRUTH.
>> Bill: IT DOESN'T MATTER IN
THOSE CONVERSATIONS OFTEN.
YOU ARE SAYING -- ISN'T THAT
WHAT CRITICAL RACE THEORY IS?
>> IS PERFORMATIVE AND SYSTEMIC
RACISM IS A PHRASE THAT I FIND
IT FRUSTRATING BECAUSE IT
CATEGORIZES THINGS BUT IT
DOESN'T REALLY EXPLAIN THEM.
IT DOESN'T GIVE US A SENSE OF
HOW TO FIX THEM ANY MATERIAL
SENSE, THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF
DISPARITIES AND THEY EXIST FOR
ALL SORTS OF COMPLICATED REASONS
AND WE IGNORE THAT.
>> Bill: ALL SORTS OF WAYS YOU
CAN BE DISADVANTAGED IN LIFE.
>> AND ADVANTAGED.
I AM PRIVILEGED, ANYONE WHO
LOOKS AT ME AND PRESUMES I AM
DISADVANTAGE IS A FOOL.
[APPLAUSE]
>> IF YOU'RE BORN IN THE
MISSISSIPPI DELTA AND YOU'RE
LIVING ON A POOR FARM OR A SHAC
SHACK, YOU'RE THERE AND YOU'RE
POOR BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK AND
THERE'S A HISTORY OF RAGING
RACISM.
>> YOU CAN BE WHITE IN THOSE
CIRCUMSTANCES, POVERTY SUCKS.
>> HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE DELTA?
1 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE ARE WHITE AND
THEY ARE LIVING ON PLANTATIONS
AND GOING TO OLE MISS.
>> AND THEIR PLACES IN
APPALACHIA WE ARE FINDING
CONCENTRATIONS OF DEEP SYSTEMIC
POVERTY -- I DON'T CARE WHAT
THEY LOOK LIKE, I WANT SOLUTIONS
THAT WORK IN TALKING ABOUT
RACISM ALL THE TIME IS NOT A
SOLUTION FOR ANYTHING.
>> Bill: WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW
ABOUT IT?
PETER!
>> LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO
YOU, SIR!
>> Bill: THANK YOU GUYS, I
APPRECIATE THE DISCUSSION BUT
NOW IT'S TIME FOR NEW RULES!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: THE NEXT TIME A MOB
ATTACKS CONGRESS, DON'T HIDE IN
THE CLOAKROOM.
THAT'S THE FIRST PLACE THEY'LL
LOOK.
ALSO WHO WEARS A CLOAK ANYMORE?
A CLOAK?
IF YOU DON'T WANT Q-ANON TO
THINK YOU'RE IN A SEX CULT,
REMEMBER, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO
WEAR CLOAKS ARE DRACULA, HOBBITS
PARTY MAGICIANS, THEATER
CRITICS.
IRON CURTAIN TROPHY WIVES,
BI-CURIOUS BATMEN AND
LATE-PERIOD ELVIS.
[LAUGHTER]
NEW RULE: NOW THAT THE TRUMP ERA
IS OVER, LET'S ALL AGREE TO
NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN.
SOMETIMES, SOMETHING SEEMS LIKE
A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME, BUT
THEN LATER YOU JUST WANT TO
FORGET - YOU TRIED IT, IT WAS
STUPID, MOVE ON: LIKE ORAL SEX
IN THE POOL OR SANDWICH WRAPS OR
THAT YEAR YOU WORE A FEDORA.
NEW RULE: REPUBLICANS WHO TWEET
[APPLAUSE]
QUOTES FROM MARTIN LUTHER KING
ON HIS BIRTHDAY MUST ADMIT IF
KING WERE ALIVE TODAY, YOU'D
CALL HIM A SOCIALIST AND DARKEN
HIS SKIN IN CAMPAIGN ADS.
YOU HAVE A DREAM, AND IT'S
MAKING IT HARDER FOR MINORITIES
TO VOTE.
NEW RULE: NEWS ANCHORS HAVE TO
MY OWN STAFF, I CAN'T GET TO.
IT'S AMAZING, JUST AMAZING.
YOU'VE GOT TO HOLD THE PAYCHECK
UNTIL AFTER THE TAPING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S GOING TO BE THE KEY.
NEW RULE: NEWS ANCHORS HAVE TO
GET THROUGH ONE ENTIRE NEWSCAST
WITHOUT SAYING THE WORDS, "GRIM
MILESTONE."
YOU'RE ONLY DEPRESSING AN
ALREADY DEPRESSED POPULATION,
AND BESIDES, IT'S NOT FAIR TO
ACTUAL MILESTONES WHICH ARE,
AFTER ALL, JUST ROCKS.
HI, I'M BILL MAHER FOR ROCKS.
YOU'VE BEEN HEARING A LOT OF BAD
THINGS ABOUT MILESTONES LATELY.
INFECTIONS RATES.
RISING GLOBAL TEMPERATURES.
THE NATIONAL DEBT.
BUT ROCKS ARE SO MUCH MORE.
WE DECORATE FISH TANKS.
HOLD DOWN PAPERS.
AND FILL STEVE DOOCY'S HEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ROCKS.
LIFE WOULD BE HARD WITHOUT US.
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: THE WOMAN WHO BOUGHT
THAT CANDLE THAT GWYNETH PALTROW
SELLS THAT SMELLS LIKE HER
VAGINA, BROUGHT IT HOME AND
CLAIMS IT EXPLODED HAS TO TELL
US ONE THING: ARE YOU BITCHING
OR BRAGGING?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
ALSO WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE
JIMMY DEAN'S PURE PORK SAUSAGE?
[LAUGHTER]
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE.
NEW YEARS CALL FOR NEW
DEPARTMENTS HERE ON REAL TIME,
AND WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY
SPECIAL FOR YOU TONIGHT.
AS OUR LOYAL FANS KNOW, AFTER
EVERY ELECTION SEASON WE PREPARE
A MEMORIAL PACKAGE CALLED
"FAREWELL, DOUCHEBAGS" SO WE CAN
BID A PROPER ADIEU TO THE
CONSERVATIVE NUT-JOBS WHO JUST
GOT DRUMMED OUT OF OFFICE.
HERE'S A LITTLE BIT OF OUR LAST
INSTALLMENT FROM TWO MONTHS AGO:
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALWAYS A FAN FAVORITE.
BEEN DOING IT FOR ALL THESE
YEARS.
PROBLEM IS, REPUBLICANS RESTOCK
DOUCHEBAGS WITH THE EFFICIENCY
OF AN AMAZON WAREHOUSE; THEY
CHURN OUT NEW CRAZY LIKE THE
HALLMARK CHANNEL MAKES CHRISTMAS
MOVIES.
SO I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE PRUDENT
MOVING FORWARD IF WE TOOK A
MOMENT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE
YEAR TO GET TO KNOW THE UP AND
COMERS - THE DOUCHEBAGS TO KEEP
AN EYE ON - THE NEW, FRESH-FACED
HATE-FOR-PROFIT TRUTH BENDING
OPPORTUNISTS THAT YOU'LL BE
CURSING OUT FOR YEARS TO COME.
SO SIT BACK AND ENJOY OUR
PREMIERE EDITION OF "HELLO,
DOUCHEBAGS."
HELLO!
HELLO, DOUCHEBAGS.
FOR EXAMPLE, THERE'S A NEW
OPPORTUNISTIC INFECTION IN THE
SENATE NAMED JOSH HAWLEY - HE'S
AN UP AND COMER.
WASHINGTON INSIDER SAYS HE'S
AMONG 2021'S "MOST PUNCHABLE
FACES."
HANDSOME, YOUTHFUL AND VIGOROUS,
HE'S THE FAR RIGHT'S JFK WITH A
LITTLE DASH OF KKK.
AND AS THE SON OF A WEALTHY
BANKER AND A GRADUATE OF
STANFORD, YALE AND A PRIVATE
PREP SCHOOL, JOSH KNOWS WHAT HE
HATES MOST IN THIS WORLD:
ELITES.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
LOATHSOME AND TRANSPARENTLY
AMBITIOUS, JOSH WAS THE FIRST
SENATOR TO FORMALLY CHOOSE
TRUMP'S BASELESS ELECTION-FRAUD
CONSPIRACY OVER HIS PLEDGE TO
UPHOLD THE CONSTITUTION.
BUT BEFORE YOU SAY HE'S
"ANTI-DEMOCRATIC," JOSH WANTS
YOU TO KNOW THAT HE'S "JUST
ASKING QUESTIONS."
[LAUGHTER]
QUESTIONS LIKE, "WHY DOES THE
WINNER OF AN ELECTION ALWAYS
HAVE TO BE THE GUY WHO GETS THE
MOST VOTES?"
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NOT TO BE OUTDONE IN THE AREA OF
HATING GOVERNMENT FROM THE
INSIDE FRESHMAN COLORADO REP AND
HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT LAUREN
BOEBERT IS SOMEONE YOU MAY HAVE
ALREADY THOUGHT OF - IF YOU EVER
THOUGHT "WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF
MICHELE BACHMANN SMOKED BATH
SALTS?"
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THIS SASSY GAL IS TAKING HER
HOOPS OUT TO FIGHT THE LIB-TARDS
AND SHE WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW
SHE HAS EXACTLY ONE ISSUE: GUNS.
SPOILER ALERT: SHE LIKES THEM.
[LAUGHTER]
SHE HAILS FROM A TOWN NAMED
RIFLE, AND OWNS A RESTAURANT
CALLED "SHOOTERS," WHERE THE
WAIT STAFF ARE ENCOURAGED TO
CARRY LOADED WEAPONS ON THE JOB.
MY SUGGESTION IF YOU EAT THERE?
MAKE SURE YOU TIP AT LEAST 20%.
[APPLAUSE]
I ATE THERE ONCE - I ASKED THE
WAITER, "HOW FRESH IS THE FISH?"
HE SAID, "I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU FEEL LUCKY PUNK?"
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
ALABAMA'S NEWEST SENATOR IS
TOMMY TUBERVILLE - HOW TO
DESCRIBE TOMMY?
HE'S LIKE IF A HOT MIC SLUR GOT
VOTED INTO OFFICE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
LOVE THIS GUY.
TOMMY'S THE FORMER COACH OF THE
AUBURN TIGERS FOOTBALL TEAM, AND
INTELLECTUALLY, LET'S JUST SAY
HE'S A FEW YARDS SHORT OF A
FIRST DOWN.
HE REFUSED TO DEBATE BEFORE HIS
PRIMARY AND GENERAL ELECTIONS,
AND IT'S A GOOD THING, BECAUSE
HE COULD LOSE A GAME OF
TIC-TAC-TOE TO A ST BERNARD.
TOMMY'S THE MODEL OF TODAY'S
CONSTITUTIONAL CONSERVATIVE WHO
HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT'S IN
THE CONSTITUTION.
HE GOT WRONG THE ANSWER TO THE
QUESTION, "WHAT ARE THE THREE
BRANCHES OF OUR GOVERNMENT?"
STRIPPERS CAN GET THIS ONE - I
KNOW, I'VE ASKED.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
FINANCIALLY TOMMY'S BEEN
INVOLVED WITH AT LEAST THREE
BUSINESS ASSOCIATES WHO'VE BEEN
CONVICTED FOR FINANCIAL FRAUD.
SAID TOMMY:, "I'M NOT SMART
ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND ALL THE
NUMBERS."
DID I MENTION HE WANTS TO BE ON
THE SENATE BANKING COMMITTEE?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND SCENE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NOW, IF FRESH-FACED IS YOUR
THING, GET READY TO SWIPE RIGHT
ON RISING HATE MONGER MADISON
CAWTHORN FROM NORTH CAROLINA,
ONE OF THE LEADERS OF THE "STOP
THE STEAL" FIASCO WHO HYPED THE
RIOT AT THE CAPITOL LIKE IT WAS
THE FYRE FESTIVAL, AND WHO AT
THE TENDER AGE OF 25 IS THE
YOUNGEST REPUBLICAN EVER ELECTED
TO THE HOUSE - I'VE THROWN UP
SCOTCH OLDER THAN THIS PRICK.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW EVERY CHAD DOUCHEBAG
YOU SEE ON A JET SKI ON
FACEBOOK?
YEAH - HE'S A CONGRESSMAN NOW.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THIS ONE BRAGS THAT HE
CARRIES A GUN ON THE HOUSE
FLOOR.
BUT NOT IRRESPONSIBLY - IT'S
SAFELY SECURED IN HIS PAW PATROL
LUNCHBOX.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND FINALLY, BUT CERTAINLY NOT
LEAST, WE HAVE THE FRESHMAN
CONGRESSWOMAN FROM GEORGIA, THE
TRUE MAYOR OF CRAZY TOWN, AND
EVERYONE'S FAVORITE KAREN,
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN.
THE CONGRESSWOMAN WHO MOST MAKES
PEOPLE SAY: "HOW IS SHE NOT A
TEACHER FROM FLORIDA WHO FUCKS
HER STUDENTS?"
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T KNOW, BUT HOLY SHIT IS
THIS LADY CRAZY.
SHE DOES NOT LISTEN TO LOBBYISTS
AND SPECIAL INTERESTS, NO - SHE
LISTENS TO MICROWAVES.
AND TALKING DOGS.
SHE'S AN ALL-IN Q-ANON BELIEVER
WHO THINKS SCIENCE AND REASON
ARE A CONSPIRACY TO TRICK PEOPLE
INTO THINKING.
REAGAN SAW "A SHINING CITY ON A
HILL" - THIS CHICK SEES SPIDERS
ON HER ARMS.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MOVE OVER AOC, SAY HELLO TO WTF.
HELLO, DOUCHEBAGS!
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS PETER
HAMBY, KMELE FOSTER AND FRANK
FIGLIUZZI.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, FOLKS.
I'LL BE AT THE DASH I'LL BE
NOWHERE.
I'LL BE HOME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]