♪ ♪
>> START THE CLOCK.
♪ ♪
>> Bill: THANK YOU, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH!
ALL RIGHT, THANK THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR COMING, AND HELPING.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.
I HAD KIND OF AN UP AND DOWN
WEEK.
I GOT ALL MY MONEY FINALLY OUT
OF GAME STOP.
[LAUGHTER]
AND I PUT IT ALL INTO DR. SEUSS
BOOKS.
SO I'M JUST UP AND DOWN.
I'M SURE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE BIG
CONTROVERSY THIS WEEK HERE AT
DR. SEUSS, THE ESTATE CANCELED,
SIX BOOKS WERE DISCONTINUED FOR
DEPICTIONS THEY SAID WERE
HURTFUL AND WRONG ESPECIALLY
THAT ONE PASSAGE WHERE THE
GRINCH SAYS "WHOS WILL NOT
REPLACE US."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
DELAY THE LAUGHTER IS FINE, AS
LONG AS THERE IS LAUGHTER.
I DON'T CARE HOW LONG IT TAKES
TO GET THERE, I'M JUST HAPPY FOR
IT.
I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH WAS ON THE
SHIT LIST ANYMORE,
MR. POTATO HEAD -- I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT THIS FUCKING THING
WAS.
MR. POTATO HEAD IS NO LONGER
MR. POTATO HEAD.
I'M NOT SURE WHY, BUT HE'S JUST
POTATO HEAD.
I CAN'T KEEP UP, PARITY CANNOT
KEEP UP.
ALSO, SILLY PUTTY IS NOW "ON THE
SPECTRUM PUTTY."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AMONG THE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT
JOE BIDEN, HE DOESN'T BUY INTO
THIS CULTURE WAR SHIT, HE
IGNORES IT THAT HE HAS A 60%
APPROVAL RATING.
[APPLAUSE]
ALSO LEVELS OF MALARKEY HAVE
NEVER BEEN LOWER.
IT'S A GOOD INDICATOR WE HAVE.
WE ARE AS DIVIDED AS EVER, 15
STATES, IT STARTED WITH TEXAS,
MISSISSIPPI, ALABAMA, WYOMING,
IOWA, NO MORE MASKS.
THEY ARE COMPLETELY OPENING UP
AGAIN.
HALF THE COUNTRY IS WITH
DR. FAUCI AND HALF THE COUNTRY
IS WITH DR. SEUSS.
TEXAS?
THEY ARE REALLY RADICAL ON THIS.
DO NOT MESS WITH THEIR GUNS,
THEIR GOD, OR THERE $2 SHOOTERS
AT APPLEBEE'S.
THESE MOTHERFUCKERS.
THE GOVERNOR OF TEXAS QUOTED
PATRICK HENRY, NOT AN EXACT
QUOTE HE SAID "GIVE ME LIBERTY
AND GIVE ME DEATH."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS MAD ABOUT
THIS, HE SAID OPENING UP TOO
SOON, WE'RE JUMPING THE GUN.
HE CALLED THIS "NEANDERTHAL
THINKING" AND LISTEN TO THIS,
MARSHA BLACKBURN, TRUMP LOVING
REPUBLICAN SENATOR FROM
TENNESSEE DEFENDED NEANDERTHALS.
AGAIN, I CAN'T KEEP UP, SHE SAID
NEANDERTHALS ARE PROTECTORS OF
FAMILY, THEY ARE RESILIENT AND
RESOURCEFUL -- AND THEIR EXTINC
EXTINCT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT WAS A SAD WEEK FOR THE TRUMP
NUTS, THE QANON CULT, YESTERDAY
MARCH 4TH, WINK-WINK WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE THE DAY IN NOT
WORLD WHEN TRUMP WOULD BE
REVEALED AS THE ONE TRUE
PRESIDENT JUST AS THE A ANCIENT
PROPHECY PREDICTED IN THE TWEET
OF REVELATIONS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE
THIS SHIT?
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROUD
BOYS ARE PROUD OF, BUT IT'S NOT
THERE GRADES I DON'T THINK.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I TRY NOT TO BE TO MEAN -- WELL
I DON'T TRY THAT HARD.
BUT THEY BELIEVE -- DEMOCRATS
RUNNING A GIANT PEDOPHILE RING
AND THEY EAT BABIES AND JEWISH
SPACE LASERS AND THE LATEST HIM
I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP, THAT
OBAMA IS HITLER'S GRANDSON.
AND YOU MENTIONED COVID, AND
THEY GO "YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
EVERYTHING YOU HEAR.
MOST QUOTE [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT IF THERE WERE ANY Q PEOPLE
OUT THERE, YOU KNOW I AM Q --
GOOD NEWS, IF YOU'RE CRESTFALLEN
FROM NEWS THIS WEEK AND YOU NEED
A HUG, ANDREW CUOMO IS AVAILABL
AVAILABLE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BECAUSE HE'S A DEMOCRAT, WHAT
ARE WE DOING?
HOW CAN A POLITICIAN THIS HIGH
PROFILE BE THIS FUCKING STUPID
TO.
WE ARE FOUR YEARS INTO THE
#MeToo ERA, HE'S THIS DUMB YOU
DON'T GET DON'T HIT ON THE HELP,
DON'T TOUCH PEOPLE WITHOUT THEIR
PERMISSION -- THANK YOU, ONE GU
GUY.
WHAT COULD THIS GUY BE THINKING?
HE'S HITTING ON -- HE SAID HE
TOLD THE GIRL "I'M OPEN TO A
RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOMAN IN HER
20s."
NO KIDDING, HOW BIG OF YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
YES, WHO HASN'T DREAMED OF
BANGING CHICO MARX?
[LAUGHTER]
SOME PEOPLE REMEMBER CHICO MARX
AND THEY ARE LAUGHING THEIR ASS
OFF RIGHT NOW, NOT A BIG
CONTINGENT.
CUOMO ASKED ONE OF THE STAFFERS,
SHE WAS 25, HOW SHE FELT, THIS
IS HER VERSION BUT I DON'T THINK
HE'S DENIED IT, ABOUT HAVING SEX
WITH OLDER MEN AND HE SAID HE
WAS MAKING SMALL TALK.
HEY, JUST PICK A SUBJECT, ANY
SUBJECT, ANYTHING OF THE WORLD,
SEX WITH OLDER MEN, START THE
CONVERSATION.
HE'S AN AMAZING MAN, AN ITALIAN
WITH NO GAME.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND SO TONE-DEAF.
A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT HIM TO
RESIDE NOW AND HE SAID HE'S NOT
GOING TO LEAVE HIS JOB BECAUSE
THEN WHERE MY GOING TO MEET
CHICKS?
TONE-DEAF.
HE SAID I KNOW PEOPLE ARE
DISAPPOINTED IN ME BUT I'M
SORRY, I JUST WON'T QUIT.
LIKE J.LO'S ASS.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW, WE HAVE
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD AND FRANK
BRUNI ARE HERE.
BUT FIRST, HE'S CO-HOST OF
MSNBC'S "MORNING JOE" AND AUTHOR
OF "SAVING FREEDOM; TRUMAN, THE
COLD WAR AND THE FIGHT FOR
WESTERN CIVILIZATION": MORNING
JOE SCARBOROUGH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
GREAT TO SEE YOU.
>> HUMAN BEINGS.
I HAVE NOT SEEN HUMANS IN A
WHILE.
>> Bill: GOOD LAUGHING
HUMAN BEINGS, THIS IS OUR BEST
CROWD YET.
>> CHICO MARX?
>> Bill: CHICO MARX.
IF YOU REMEMBER CHICO MARX?
>> OF COURSE I DO.
WE ARE OLD, WE'VE BEEN DOING
THIS FOR A LONG TIME.
>> Bill: I NEVER HAD KIDS COME
I FEEL LIKE I MAY BE OLD BUT I'M
STILL THE LATEST VERSION OF ME.
>> IT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE.
I HAVE FOUR KIDS, AGE 62 TO 12,
BUT DOING THIS FOR A LONG TIME.
IT'S CRAZY, I'VE BEEN DOING THIS
WITH YOU A LONG TIME.
>> Bill: NOT RECENTLY, THE
LAST TIME I SAW YOU, YOU WERE A
REPUBLICAN.
WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I WANT TO SAY REALLY QUICK
BEFORE WE TALK ABOUT THAT, IT'S
NICE TO BE HERE AND YOUR PEOPLE
STICK AROUND.
THIS IS A FAMILY THAT HAS BEEN
HERE FOR 25 YEARS.
THAT'S SAYING AN AWFUL LOT ABOUT
YOU OR AN AWFUL LOT ABOUT THEM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: THEY ARE THE NICEST
PEOPLE, I ALWAYS SAY THEY MAKE
UP FOR THE SNARKY HOST.
>> IT HELPS US.
>> Bill: TELL ME ABOUT THIS,
YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT NOW.
WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
TO ME IT SAYS YOU THINK THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY IS UNSALABLE.
>> UNSALABLE, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.
OTHERWISE, YOU WOULD WANT TO
STAY ON AND REFORM IT BUT IT
CAN'T BE SAVED.
>> IT'S THE CRAZIEST THING IN
THE WORLD, TALKING ABOUT US AND
WHEN I FIRST CAME HERE, YOU WERE
THE ONLY GUY WHO WOULD DEFEND
CONSERVATIVES, SOMEBODY ATTACKED
ME ON MY FIRST SHOW HERE, I
THINK CALLED ME A BIGOT AND A
RACIST, OR REPUBLICAN FROM THE
SOUTH, CONSERVATIVE AND YOU
DEFENDED ME.
IT'S ALWAYS VERY NICE, SOMEBODY
DEFENDING SOMEBODY -- I USED TO
GET ATTACKED BY LIBERALS BECAUSE
I WAS CONSERVATIVE, NOW I'M
GETTING ATTACKED BY PEOPLE WHO
VOTED FOR A FASCIST BECAUSE I'M
A CONSERVATIVE AND THAT'S -- MY
FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY MEMBERS,
THEY ALL VOTED FOR HIM.
, IT'S BEEN HARD FOR ME TO
PROCESS IT.
BUT THE ONLY WAY I'D BEEN ABLE
TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT IS,
THEY ARE NOT FASCISTS BUT THEY
VOTED FOR AN IGNORANT MAN WHO IS
A FASCIST.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
I'VE SEEN FOCUS GROUPS FOR THE
PAST COUPLE OF DAYS OF TRUMP
VOTERS WHO STILL WOULD SUPPORT
HIM.
WHO SAY THINGS LIKE "I LIKE
DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE OF WHERE HE
STANDS" I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT WITH
A STRAIGHT FACE "ON THE ISSUES."
NOW YOU TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK
DOES THAT MEAN?
A [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT ISSUES DOES THIS GUY SHARE
WITH CONSERVATIVES?
HE LEFT WITH THE BIGGEST
DEFICITS EVER COME OF THE
BIGGEST DEBT EVER, HE UNDERCUT
ALL OF OUR ALLIES, ALL THE
ALLIES THAT REAGAN CHAMPIONED.
>> Bill: BUT HE'S DONE, WHY
ARE WE STILL TALKING?
>> BECAUSE 75 MILLION PEOPLE AND
I'VE GOT TO SAY ALL OF MY PEOPLE
PEOPLE, MY TRIBE, THEY VOTED FOR
HIM.
WHEN I SEE THESE FOCUS GROUPS,
YOUR MEMBER THIS MOVIE -- THERE
WAS THIS LATE 60s MOVIE CALLED
JOURNEY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
SUN W WHERE EVERYBODY LOOKED THE
SAME BUT IT WAS OPPOSITE.
WHEN I SEE FOCUS GROUPS WITH
TRUMP SUPPORTER'S, THEY ALL
VOTED FOR ME.
AT THE STRANGEST THINGS COME OUT
OF THEIR MOUTHS.
>> Bill: WHEN THEY TOOK THE
STRAW POLL AT CPAC, THE
CONSERVATIVE CONVENTION LAST
WEEK, THE BIG ISSUE, WAY BIGGER
THAN THE ONES YOU WOULD THINK
WOULD BE BIG LIKE ABORTION --
ELECTION INTEGRITY.
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY AS IT IS
NOW IS BECOMING A ONE ISSUE
PARTY.
"WE WAS ROBBED, WE HAVE TO
PREVENT DEMOCRATS FROM VOTING.
THAT SEEMS TO BE THEIR
RAISON D'ETRE NOW.
YOU WOULD ADMIT, EVERYBODY IN
AMERICA WOULD THAT WE NEED -- WE
PROBABLY NEED FIVE PARTIES BUT
WE NEED AT LEAST A TWO.
IF WE ONLY HAVE THE DEMOCRATS IN
THE CONSPIRACY THEORY PARTY --
[LAUGHTER]
THAT CAN'T WORK.
THERE HAS TO BE A LOYAL
OPPOSITION TO THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY BECAUSE HERE IN
CALIFORNIA, WE DON'T HAVE IT AND
THAT'S WHY I CAN'T GET MY SOUL
ARE ON.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
OH, DAMN, I MENTIONED IT.
>> I LOOK AT SOME OF THE
SENATORS WHO REALLY DISAPPOINTED
ME OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF
YEARS, LOOK AT HOW THEY
RESPONDED ON JANUARY THE 6TH AND
IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT WHAT THEY
DID.
>> Bill: ARE WE TALKING ABOUT
CRUZ AND HAWLEY?
>> THEY SHOULD BE IN JAIL, CRUZ
AND HAWLEY ARE SEDITIOUS.
>> Bill: JAIL?
>> THEY SHOULD BE IN JAIL.
YOU CAN LOOK AT THE FEDERAL
STATUTE FOR INCITING SEDITION
AND IT SEEMS TO ME -- IT'S WHAT
THEY DID.
LOOK AT SOME OF THE SENATORS.
BEN SASSE WHO CAME OUT AND WAS
QUITE CRITICAL, ON THE HOUSE
SIDE YOU LOOK AT LIZ CHENEY.
I GAVE HIM FOR FOUR YEARS BUT
MITCH McCONNELL ON THE SIXTH
WHEN HE STOOD UP AND SAID THAT
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT VOTE
I'VE TAKEN IN MY LIFETIME AND WE
ARE GOING TO VOTE TODAY AND
WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET THE MOB
HAVE THEIR SAY, THAT WAS
SIGNIFICANT.
THERE ARE SOME -- LIZ CHENEY IN
THE HOUSE HAS STOOD UP, THERE
ARE SOME REPUBLICANS WHO HAVE
STOOD UP ACTUALLY FOR BASIC
THINGS, LIKE THE PEACEFUL
TRANSFER OF POWER.
>> Bill: DIDN'T MITCH
McCONNELL THAN SAY HE'S GOING
TO VOTE FOR TRUMP IF HE RAN
AGAIN?
HOW WAS THAT STANDING UP?
IF CRUZ SHOULD BE IN JAIL I
DON'T KNOW WHY MITCH McCONNELL
SHOULDN'T BE HIS MATE.
THE GUY WHO TOOK YOUR SEAT --
AND I MEAN THAT POLITICALLY IN
FLORIDA THAT SHE REPRESENTED THE
PANHANDLE?
>> THE FIRST DISTRICT OF
FLORIDA.
>> Bill: OKAY, THAT IS, EXCUSE
ME, THE REDNECK RIVIERA?
>> WE'VE ALWAYS CALLED IT THE
DASH L.A., LOWER ALABAMA.
>> Bill: THIS GUY MATT GAETZ
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER HIM, I
ALWAYS SAY -- [LAUGHTER]
EAT THIS NERD, CONGRESSMAN.
HE DOES LOOK LIKE A GUY FROM
DR. SEUSS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
LET'S USE THAT AS AN
ENCAPSULATION WHERE THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY HAS MIGRATED,
YOU REPRESENT THAT DISTRICT IN
THE 90s, WHAT WAS YOUR LAST
YEAR IN CONGRESS?
>> 2001 AND GUESS WHAT IN 2001
WE HAD A $155 BILLION SURPLUS.
WE BALANCE TO THE BUDGET FOUR
YEARS IN A ROW, WE DID THINGS
THAT SMALL GOVERNMENT
CONSERVATIVES SAID THEY WERE
FOR.
THAT'S WHAT WE DID.
NOW WE HAVE THE BIGGEST DEFICITS
EVER COME OF THE BIGGEST
NATIONAL DEBT EVER.
DONALD TRUMP BROKE THE RECORD
FOR DEFICITS AND DEBT EVEN
BEFORE COVID.
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, THERE HAVE
BEEN PROBLEMS BUT THERE JUST
AREN'T A LOT OF CONSERVATIVES IN
THERE.
>> Bill: BILL CLINTON WAS
PRESIDENT WHEN THEY GOT THE
BUDGET DOWN TO ZERO.
>> HE WORKED WITH US EVERY STEP
OF THE WAY, HE REALLY DID.
HE ENDED UP HAVING TO SIGN.
>> Bill: I WANT TO MENTION THE
BOOK.
>> WE REALLY DON'T WANT TO
DEBATE BILL CLINTON.
>> Bill: I DIDN'T WANT TO
DEBATE TRUMP?
>> I KNOW, I'M OBSESSING OVER
THE 75 MILLION PEOPLE WHO VOTED
FOR TRUMP.
>> Bill: Y TRUMAN, YOU
COULD'VE WRITTEN ABOUT ANYBODY.
IT'S A FANTASTIC READ, I'M A
HISTORY MAJOR AND I LOVE HISTORY
AND THAT'S A PERIOD RIGHT AFTER
WORLD WAR II -- PEOPLE DON'T
REALIZE HOW MUCH THE WORLD COULD
HAVE GOTTEN FUCKED UP BEYOND
RECOGNITION BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE
COMPLACENT, YOU'RE EXHAUSTED AND
TRUMAN WAS A GUY WHO BROUGHT US
NATO AND PUT STALIN ON NOTICE,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO
TAKE OVER THE REST OF THE WORLD,
THE MARSHALL PLAN, THAT'S WHAT
YOU WANTED TO WRITE IT, HE
THOUGHT HE NEVER GOT HIS DUE?
>> HE DID MORE THINGS OVER A
SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.
HE HAD A BIGGER INBOX OVER A
SHORT PERIOD OF TIME THAN I
THINK ANY PRESIDENT -- MY GOD,
ANY PRESIDENT SINCE WORLD WAR II
BUT WHAT I LOVED ABOUT TRUMAN
WAS HE ACTUALLY KNEW HOW TO MAKE
THINGS WORK BECAUSE HE WAS
ACTUALLY A PRODUCT OF
WASHINGTON, D.C.
HE HAD BEEN A SENATOR FOR TEN
YEARS AND I GET SO SICK AND
TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING "I WANT
AN OUTSIDER."
NO, IF I AM GETTING BRAIN
SURGERY I DON'T WANT AN
OUTSIDER, I WANT SOMEBODY WHO
WAS OPERATED ON A THOUSAND
DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
IF I'M FLYING IN A PLANE, THE
SAME THING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SO TRUMAN ACTUALLY KNEW HOW TO
SURROUND HIMSELF WITH THE BEST
AND THE BRIGHTEST.
HE HAD THE GREATEST PEOPLE
AROUND HIM WHETHER IT WAS
AVERILL HARRIMAN OR --
>> Bill: IS THIS BIDEN AS WELL
THAT YOU'RE SAYING IS SIMILAR?
A PRODUCT OF WASHINGTON?
>> A PRODUCT OF WASHINGTON, HE
SHOULD KNOW HE DIDN'T JUST GET
INTO TOWN A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, HE
SHOULD KNOW HOW WASHINGTON WORK
WORKS.
WITH TRUMAN I STARTED WRITING IT
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE
CAMPAIGN.
EXPERIENCE MATTERS.
WE ACTUALLY NEED EXPERTS AND
MORE IMPORTANTLY WE NEED
SOMEBODY WHO CAN REACH ACROSS
THE AISLE AND TRUMAN DID THIS
EVEN THOUGH HE WAS A PARTISAN,
HE REACHED ACROSS THE AISLE TO
ARTHUR VANDENBERG, HE WORKED
WITH HIM EVERY DAY, HE SAID I'M
NOT GOING TO SURPRISE YOU, THIS
IS WHAT WE NEED TO DO.
STALIN IS ON THE MARCH, HE DEALT
WITH A LOT OF ISOLATIONISTS, HE
SAID THIS IS A MISTAKE WE MADE
WITH HITLER A DECADE AGO, WE
CAN'T MAKE IT AGAIN WITH STALIN.
THE SOVIETS ARE ON THE MARCH IN
GREECE, AND TURKEY, AND THERE
WAS A PARTNERSHIP WITH
REPUBLICANS.
HE HAD NOT ONLY WORKED WITH
VANDENBERG DURING THE DAY, HE
SENT HIS STAFF OVER AT NIGHT,
THEY WOULD GO BY HIS HOUSE AND
SAY THIS IS WHAT WE DID TODAY,
WE HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THIS AND I
KNOW PEOPLE SAY WASHINGTON CAN'T
WORK THAT WAY ANYMORE, I THINK
IT CAN.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE PEOPLE WHO KNOW
HOW WASHINGTON WORKS.
>> Bill: YOU NEED TO HAVE
SOMEBODY WHO REMEMBERS CHICO
MARX.
MORNING JOE, THANK YOU FOR
COMING BY IN THE EVENING.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S MEET OUR PANEL!
HERE THEY ARE, WOW.
WHAT AN ALL-STAR GROUP.
HE'S AN OP-ED COLUMNIST FOR
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" AND A CNN
CONTRIBUTOR, OUR FRIEND FRANK
BRUNI IS OVER HERE!
HE'S CO-HOST OF THE NATIONALLY
SYNDICATED RADIO SHOW "THE
BREAKFAST CLUB" ON IHEART RADIO:
CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THE TABLE
MOVED!
I THOUGHT THE EDIBLE KICKED IN
EARLY I WAS LIKE, YIKES!
>> Bill: YES, WELL, IT'S THE
OUIJA BOARD I'M USING.
SO, GENTLEMEN, I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THE MONEY TO START BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT THE DEMOCRATS RAN
ON.
THEY RAN ON GETTING A MINIMUM
WAGE TO PEOPLE IN AMERICA AND
THAT HAS BEEN STALLED BUT NOW
I'M READING HOW BIDEN IS
COMPROMISING ON THE STIMULUS
PLAN, IT'S $1.9 TRILLION.
HERE'S WHAT I READ IN YOUR
PAPER.
THE PLAN WOULD SEND $1400 CHECKS
TO INDIVIDUALS EARNING UP TO
75,000 AND COUPLES MAKING
150,000 WOULD GET $1400.
TO.
MEANWHILE, 53 MILLION AMERICANS,
40% OF ALL WORKERS, HAVE LOW
WAGE JOBS -- NO KIDDING.
MEDIAN HOURLY WAGE IS $10.22 AN
HOUR, THEY'VE TAKEN 18,000 A
YEAR.
I UNDERSTAND NOT BEING ABLE TO
PASS THE MINIMUM WAGE BECAUSE
YOU'RE FIGHTING THE REPUBLICANS,
I THINK THEY SHOULD KEEP TRYING
AND I THINK THEY SHOULD DIE ON
THAT HILL BY THE WAY, WILL NOT
GET TO THAT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WRITING A
BILL WHERE YOU'RE SENDING OUT
CHECKS TO PEOPLE WHO MAKE
150,000 INSTEAD OF MORE TO THE
PEOPLE WHO MAKE 18.
THAT'S THE DEMOCRATS.
ANYONE WANT TO DEFEND THE
DEMOCRATS ON THAT?
>> NO.
>> GREAT, MOVING ON.
>> Bill: IT'S CRAZY, RIGHT?
IS THAT NOT FUCKING CRAZY?
>> IT'S INSANE, FOR ME IT'S LIKE
WHO GIVES A SHIT, THE NATIONAL
DEBT IS $27 TRILLION, WITH AN X
OR $1.9 TRILLION?
YOU'RE GOING TO WAIT UNTIL
YOU'RE ALREADY $27 TRILLION IN
DEBT TO START COMPLAINING ABOUT
WHERE THE FUCKING MONEY GOES?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: IF YOU'RE GOING TO
SEND THE MONEY OUT I WOULDN'T
SEND IT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE MAKING
150,000 -- I DON'T KNOW IF THEY
NEED A CHECK.
>> YOU'RE BEING AN IDEALIST,
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR LEGISLATION
MADE WITH A SCALPEL, MOST
LEGISLATION IS MADE WITH A MEAT
CLEAVER.
THAT'S THE CASE HERE, IF YOU GO
THROUGH THIS BILL AND YOU LOOK
AT ALL THE DIFFERENT PROPOSALS
IN IT, YOU'RE GOING TO FIND SOME
STUFF THAT LOOKS REALLY SMART
THAT YOU LIKE AND YOU'RE GOING
TO FIND SOME STUFF THAT --
>> Bill: THAT SEEMS GIANT AND
THE GLARING AND I FEEL LIKE AT
THE DEMOCRATS DON'T WIN THIS
MINIMUM-WAGE BATTLE, THIS IS
THEIR LAST CHANCE TO WIN BACK
THE LITTLE GUY.
IF YOU CAN'T WIN THIS ONE, I
FEEL LIKE THIS SHOULD BE
WHATEVER THE NUCLEAR OPTION FOR
THIS WOULD BE, WHATEVER MITCH
McCONNELL WOULD DO TO WIN THIS
BECAUSE OTHERWISE WHO ARE YOU?
YOU'RE NOT THE GUY FOR THE
LITTLE GUY.
>> THEY WOULD BE KEEPING A
CAMPAIGN PROMISE, RIGHT?
NUMBER TWO, IT'S THE RIGHT THING
TO DO.
I WAS READING AN EDITORIAL BY MY
MAN REVEREND WILLIAM BARBOUR AND
HE SAID $15 MINIMUM WAGE
INCREASE WOULD LIFT 40% OF BLACK
WORKERS AND 62 MILLION POOR AND
LOW INCOME AMERICANS OF EVERY
RACE.
IF YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO
MAKE SOME OF HIS LIFE BETTER,
YOU SHOULD SIMPLY DO IT.
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO
MORALLY AND IT'S THE RIGHT THING
TO DO POLITICALLY.
IF KAMALA HARRIS WANTS TO RUN
PRESIDENT OF THE FUTURE CAN BE
THINK PEOPLE ARE GOING TO
REMEMBER WHO PUT MONEY IN THEIR
POCKET?
I REMEMBER WHO'S TO GIVE ME FREE
FOOD AT McDONALD'S WHEN I WAS
YOUNG.
>> THE DEMOCRATS DIDN'T JUST
LEAVE THIS ON THE SIDE OF THE
ROAD, THE PARLIAMENTARIANS AT
THIS CAN'T BE PART OF THIS
PARTICULAR RELIEF AND STIMULUS
PACKAGE.
THEY WILL COME BACK AT THE SCUM
OF THE ABSENTLY WELL FOR THE
REASONS WE TALKED ABOUT, THIS IS
A PERFECT ALIGNMENT OF THEIR
POLITICAL IDEALS, POLITICAL
PHILOSOPHY AND A REALLY POPULAR
ISSUE.
IN FLORIDA, THIS LAST ELECTION
CYCLE, WHILE FLORIDIANS WERE
VOTING FOR DONALD TRUMP, MORE
THAN 60% OF THEM VOTED FOR THE
MINIMUM WAGE TO GO UP IN THAT
STATE TO $15 BY 2026 AND FLORIDA
IS NOT A PURPLE STATE, FLORIDA
IS REDDISH, ACTUALLY.
THIS IS A BIG COME A WINNING
ISSUE FOR THE DEMOCRATS.
>> Bill: IT'S ALSO A WINNER
ECONOMICALLY.
I'M SORRY, EVENTUALLY WHAT THAT
NUMBER IS THAT YOU CITED THERE,
THE DEBT.
>> 27 TRILLION.
>> Bill: IT'S GOING TO CATCH
UP TO US, THERE'S GOING TO BE A
CRASH.
YOU CAN'T KEEP GOING ON LIKE
THIS AND THEN WE ARE ALL GOING
TO BE POOR.
>> THE ONLY TIME AMERICA
COMPLAINS ABOUT MONEY IS WHEN
THEY HAVE TO GIVE IT TO THE
PEOPLE WHO NEED IT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> BUT HERE'S THE THING, WHEN
THE MINIMUM WAGE IS THE SLOW
COMMUNAL WHO WINDS UP PAYING?
THE GOVERNMENT.
McDONALD'S DOESN'T PAY ITS
WORKERS ENOUGH SO THEN THEY GET
FOOD STAMPS, THE GOVERNMENT IS
SUBSIDIZING A GIANT CORPORATION
LIKE McDONALD'S.
MEANWHILE, I'M READING ABOUT --
LADY GAGA HAD HER DOGS
KIDNAPPED.
DID YOU COVER THIS STORY?
>> SORT OF, KIND OF.
>> I DID NOT.
SHE OFFERED HALF A MILLION TO
GET THEM BACK?
>> JUST FOR INFORMATION, NOT
EVEN THE DOGS.
HALF A MILLION DOLLARS FOR
INFORMATION AND I THINK SHE GOT
THEM BACK FINALLY.
I WAS GOING TO VOLUNTEER, I
THINK I KNOW WHERE THOSE DOGS --
I HEARD SOME SHIT ON THE STREET.
>> SPENDING MONEY ON BULLSHIT'S
THE AMERICAN WAY, THEY SPENT
1.7 TRILLION ON A FAILED F-35
FIGHTER JETS BUT WHEN IT COMES
TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE THEY ARE
COMPLAINING WHERE THE DOLLARS A
AT?
>> Bill: IT STRUCK ME AS
FUNNY, I HEAR SO MUCH ABOUT
PRIVILEGE BUT WHEN IT SOMEBODY
WAS ON THE BLUE TEAM, WE JUST
LET THAT PASS BECAUSE HALF A
MILLION DOLLARS FOR
INFORMATION --
>> IT'S HER MONEY THOUGH, IT'S
HER MONEY.
>> Bill: I'M GLAD YOU FEEL
THAT WAY.
>> IF I HAD HALF A MILLION
DOLLARS FOR AN AWARD WHEN I LOST
SOMETHING I PROBABLY WOULDN'T
OFFER IT BUT I PROBABLY WOULD --
I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY
SO I CAN PUT MYSELF IN THE
MIND-SET.
>> THEY WERE VERY CUTE DOGS, DID
YOU SEE PICTURES OF THEM?
THEY WERE CUTE.
>> Bill: LAST MONTH THE BIDEN
ADMINISTRATION SAID SPEAKING OF
MONEY, THEY WANT TO STUDY
REPARATIONS, STUDY IT.
COMPENSATE DESCENDANTS OF SLAVES
FOR UNPAID LABOR BY THEIR
ANCESTORS.
JEN PSAKI THE PRESS SPOKESMAN
SAID WE'LL TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS
IN THE LEGISLATIVE PROCESS.
I'M CURIOUS WHERE YOU ARE ON
THIS ISSUE.
THERE'S A COLLECTIVE GUILT THAT
IS ASKING INDIVIDUALS TO
RECOMPENSE.
I THINK THAT'S HOW WE WOULD
FRAME THAT?
>> I THINK REPARATIONS HAS TO
HAPPEN FOR BLACK PEOPLE BECAUSE
SLAVERY WAS AMERICA'S
ORIGINAL SIN AND I DON'T THINK
NO GOOD IS GOING TO COME TO THIS
COUNTRY UNTIL THEY ATONE FOR
THEIR ORIGINAL SIN WHICH WAS
SLAVERY.
IF MY ANCESTORS BUILT THIS
COUNTRY FOR FREE.
WHEN YOU SEE ALL THIS MONEY
BEING THROWN AROUND,
$27 TRILLION IN NATIONAL DEBT,
$1.7 TRILLION FOR FAILED --
>> Bill: HAVE A MILLION FOR
DOGS.
>> IF YOU'RE BLACK IN THIS
COUNTRY, YOU HAVE TO FEEL WHAT'S
UP WITH US?
[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T EVEN SEE WITH THE ISSUE
IS.
>> Bill: THE ISSUE IS THAT IS
THE COLLECTIVE GUILT BUT
INDIVIDUAL WHITE PEOPLE ARE
SAYING "I DIDN'T DO IT AND BUY
ANCESTORS DIDN'T EVEN DO IT AND
YOU ARE NOT YOUR ANCESTORS."
>> I'M A DESCENDANT OF THOSE
ANCESTORS.
>> Bill: I KNOW, BUT --
>> WHEN A DEBT IS OWED, DEBT IS
OWED.
>> Bill: YOU GOT A LOT OF
MONEY AND YOU SAY YOU SHOULD GET
MORE.
>> SHOULD I GET MORE?
>> I'M 97% WEST AFRICAN, BORN IN
SOUTH CAROLINA BUT IF IT'S TO
THE POINT WHERE YOU MAKE TOO
MUCH MONEY AND DON'T THINK YOU
DESERVE IT, GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY
WHO NEEDS IT BUT TO ACT LIKE
BLACK PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY
DON'T DESERVE REPARATIONS IS
ABSOLUTELY NUTS TO ME.
[APPLAUSE]
PUT IT LIKE THIS, AMERICA, JUST
TREAT BLACK PEOPLE LIKE THEY ARE
F-35 FIGHTER JETS, YOU HAVE
$1.7 TRILLION TO THROW OUT THAT
A BULLSHIT, THROW IT AT THE
PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY BUILT THIS
COUNTRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: AGAIN, YOU DIDN'T
BUILD THIS COUNTRY, YOU
PERSONALLY DIDN'T.
>> SO WHAT'S?
I'M A DESCENDANT OF --
>> Bill: I'M SAYING, WE CAN'T
WRITE A CHECK TO A GHOST.
>> WHY NOT?
ESPECIALLY WHEN THE GHOSTS
DESCENDANTS ARE STILL HERE.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, HOW
DO YOU WRITE THE WRONG OF
SLAVERY THEN?
>> Bill: I THINK REPARATIONS
CAN COME IN MANY FORMS.
>> WHY NOT, CASH IS KING, IT'S
AMERICA.
>> I THINK REPARATIONS TO COME
IN MANY FORMS, WE SHOULD BE
SPENDING MUCH MORE ON SCHOOLS
THAT SERVE BLACK CHILDREN, WE
SHOULD BE SPENDING MUCH MORE ON
INFRASTRUCTURE AND PREDOMINATELY
BLACK COMMUNITIES, WE SHOULD BE
DOING ALL SORTS OF THINGS TO
CLOSE THE OPPORTUNITY GAP WHICH
IS ENORMOUS AND WE DONE A
TERRIBLE JOB CLOSING.
A DEBT IS OWED AND IS ONE OF THE
WAYS YOU REPAY IT.
THE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH THE
REPARATIONS CONVERSATION IS THE
QUESTION YOU'RE ASKING A MOMENT
AGO, IT'S PRACTICALLY A
NONSTARTER IN TERMS OF
PRACTICALITY.
NO ONE IS GOING TO AGREE ON THE
TERMS, NO ONE IS GOING TO AGREE
EXACTLY IN THE ELIGIBILITY
CRITERIA, NO ONE IS GOING TO
AGREE ON THE AMOUNT AND IT'S
POLITICALLY VERY UNPOPULAR AND
WHILE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
SOMETHING THAT I DON'T THINK IS
PASSABLE --
>> WHY IS IT NOT PASSABLE?
>> LOOK AT PUBLIC OPINION POLLS,
IT'S JUST NOT GOING TO GET DONE
AND THAT'S NOT ABOUT THE MERITS,
THAT'S ABOUT THE APPEAL.
IN THE MEANTIME, THERE'S SO MUCH
WE SHOULD BE DOING THAT COULD BE
CALLED REPARATIONS ABOUT THE
DEBT WE OH.
>> LET'S CHANGE THE NAME, CALL
IT ECONOMIC EQUITY PACKAGES.
>> Bill: YOU COULD SAY
OBAMACARE WHICH HELPED BLACK AND
BROWN PEOPLE WAY MORE THAN WHITE
PEOPLE -- OBVIOUSLY ALL PEOPLE
CAN SIGN UP BUT THAT IS THE
PRACTICAL EFFECT OF IT, IS A
FORM OF REPARATIONS.
THERE'S A TAX THAT EVERYBODY
PAYS, I DON'T THINK IT'S CAPPED.
RICH PEOPLE PAY MORE.
THOSE KINDS OF SOLUTIONS ARE
DIFFERENT.
THIS IS WHAT GLENN LARRY SAYS,
HE SAID IT FRAMES THE MORAL
CLAIMS AFRICAN-AMERICANS
LEGITIMATELY HAVE IN THE WRONG
WAY, THE IDEA THIS DEBT CAN BE
PAID IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
>> HERE IS THING, ONCE AGAIN
COMMITS WHITE PEOPLE NOT WANTED
TO TO BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE.
>> Bill: THAT'S A BLACK
PERSON.
GLENN LARRY SAID THAT.
>> WHAT'S THE NAME?
>> Bill: GLENN LARRY, YOU KNOW
GLENN LARRY.
>> I TAKE THAT AS A DEBT OWED TO
BLACK PEOPLE IN AMERICA AND I
WILL ASK THE QUESTION, IF YOU
DON'T THINK IT SHOULD BE CASH,
WHAT SHOULD IT BE?
I WANT TO KNOW, DO YOU THINK
BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD GET
REPARATIONS?
>> Bill: I THINK IT SHOULD BE
MORE LIKE WHAT FRANK AND I ARE
SAYING.
I CHECKED?
NO.
IT SHOULD BE DONE MORE BY CLASS.
21% OF BLACKS ARE BELOW THE
POVERTY LINE.
THAT MEANS WE ARE GIVING CHECKS
TO 80% OF PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT IN
POVERTY.
SHOULDN'T BETTER BE DONE, WHAT I
WAS STARTING THE SHOW WITH, IF
WERE GOING TO PASS OUT MONEY --
>> PASS IT OUT TO THE
DISENFRANCHISED, ABSOLUTELY.
>> IS A ONE TIME CHECKED GOING
TO CHANGE A LIFE IS MUCH AS A
REAL INVESTMENT IN EDUCATION,
INVESTMENT IN YOUNG PEOPLE
SOCIAL PROGRAMS?
I THINK A DEBT IS OWED AND I
HAVE NO PROBLEM PAYING IT IN
CASH, I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT
WHERE THE MONEY GOES TO HELP THE
MOST NUMBER OF PEOPLE THE
QUICKEST.
>> I THINK IT BE ALL OF THAT,
THERE IS NO PRICE POINT YOU
COULD PUT ON REPARATIONS FOR
SLAVERY, NONE.
THERE IS NO NUMBER YOU COULD PUT
ON WHAT MY ANCESTORS WENT
THROUGH IN THIS COUNTRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: JOE BIDEN FAMOUSLY
SAID TO YOU, IF YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM FIGURING OUT -- WHAT,
DOES EVERYBODY ASK YOU THIS?
IS THAT WHY YOU'RE LAUGHING?
YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF
IT.
>> IT'S COOL.
IT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY.
>> Bill: HE SAID IF YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM FIGURING OUT WHETHER TO
VOTE FOR ME OR TRUMP, YOU AIN'T
BLACK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
I FIND THAT NOT HELPFUL.
[LAUGHTER]
>> SHIT, HE STILL WON.
>> Bill: NOT HELPFUL TO SAY TO
ANY GROUP OF PEOPLE, IF YOU
AIN'T WITH ME, THEN YOU'RE NOT
THIS, DON'T BE MY FRIEND
ANYMORE -- FUCK OFF.
WE DON'T ALL HAVE TO HAVE ONE
TRUE OPINION.
>> THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE TOO
COMFORTABLE.
>> Bill: YOU ARE SAYING HE WAS
TOO COMFORTABLE.
>> AND HE PROBABLY HAS BLACK
PEOPLE AROUND HIM WHO HAVE SAID
THAT BECAUSE THAT WAS A COMMON
SENTIMENT, IF YOU VOTE FOR
DONALD TRUMP, THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE BLACK BECAUSE HE'S
AGAINST BLACK ISSUES -- I THINK
HE HEARD THAT ONE TOO MANY TIMES
AND HE THOUGHT HE COULD GET THAT
OFF AND EVERYBODY WOULD BE LIKE
"YEAH, JOE, WE AGREE WITH YOU!"
>> Bill: AND TRUMPETED BETTER
WITH BLACKS THAN HE DID THE
FIRST TIME.
>> I DON'T CARE.
>> I'M JUST SAYING, NOT EVERYONE
AGREES WITH THAT.
>> HE WAS DYING WHEN THOSE WORDS
LEFT HIS MOUTH, HE HAS A LITTLE
BIT OF A BRAIN-MOUTH
COORDINATION PROBLEM.
HIS HEART IS A DIFFERENT MATTER.
WHAT'S ODD ABOUT THAT QUOTE IN
RETROSPECT AS JOE BIDEN HAS
BECOME OVER TIME, SUCH A HUMBLE
MAN.
HIS PRESIDENCY THUS FAR IS SUCH
A PORTRAIT IN HUMILITY, NOT
POLICY WISE BUT HOW HE BEHAVES
AND THAT'S A VERY ARROGANT
REMARK TO MAKE AN OUT OF
CHARACTER.
>> Bill: YES, HE'S A GAFFE
MACHINE.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, I WANT TO
BRING UP ANDREW CUOMO BECAUSE
IT'S FUCKING FUNNY -- WHY SHOULD
I LIE?
IT'S FUNNY, IT'S A COMEDY SHOW.
HE'S JUST A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE,
TERRIBLE WAY TO HIT ON WOMEN.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE TIME FOR HIS
BOOK TO COME OUT
"GOVERNOR CUOMO'S BIG BOOK OF
PICKUP LINES."
WE HAVE A COPY RIGHT, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO HEAR?
IT'S TERRIBLE.
FOR EXAMPLE.
DO YOU LIKE PIZZA?
BECAUSE I'D LIKE A PIZZA THAT
ASS.
[LAUGHTER]
HE'S TERRIBLE AT THIS.
DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN OR DO I
HAVE TO MOVE YOUR DESK CLOSER?
[LAUGHTER]
SEX WITH ME IS LIKE MANHATTAN
CONSTRUCTION.
IT GOES ALL NIGHT LONG.
NO!
YOU MAKE MY HEART RACE LIKE
COVID THROUGH A NEW YORK STATE
NURSING HOME.
TERRIBLE PICKUP LINE!
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
DID YOU KNOW LONG ISLAND WAS
NAMED AFTER MY PENIS?
[LAUGHTER]
MY BROTHER KNOWS DON LEMON.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I ADMIT I'M NO GAVIN NEWSOM, BUT
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DATE A
GOVERNOR WHO'S PRETTIER THAN
YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY
ABOUT IT THIS WEEK.
ANDREW CUOMO, LET ME PUT IT OUT
THERE -- HANGING OFFENSE OR NOT?
SHOULD HE GO?
>> YOU WANT TO GO FIRST, FRANK?
>> I DON'T THINK HE SHOULD
RESIGN TODAY OR TOMORROW, OR
NEXT WEEK BECAUSE THERE IS AN
INVESTIGATION GOING ON AND I
BELIEVE IN THIS THING CALLED DUE
PROCESS.
>> Bill: STOP -- I'M SORRY TO
CUT YOU OFF, THIS IS ONE WHERE I
DON'T NEED AN INVESTIGATION.
I'VE ALWAYS SET ON THIS SHOW
THAT IT'S A CASE-BY-CASE BASIS.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THAT
BECAUSE WE WENT TO A PLACE IN
2017 WHERE IT WAS ALWAYS
BELIEVED WOMEN AND IT WAS I
THINK WOMEN SHOULD ALWAYS BE
TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
AL FRANKEN?
I BELIEVE HIM, I DON'T THINK
HE'S THAT GUY.
>> HE DIDN'T GET ANY DUE
PROCESS, I'M NOT SAYING THE
CUOMO CASE IS AMBIGUOUS.
IT DOES SEEM WHAT HAPPENED WITH
THE 25-YEAR-OLD --
>> Bill: I'M SAYING I BELIEVE
THESE WOMEN, COMPLETELY.
I DON'T NEED TO HAVE AN
INVESTIGATION, I BELIEVE EVERY
WORD THEY SAY.
>> MAYBE INSTEAD OF RESIGNATION
RESIGNATIONS --
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE PUT HIM IN A ROOM WITH A
BUNCH OF LECHEROUS WOMEN 40
YEARS HIS SENIOR, THEY HIT ON
HIM AND HE TELLS US HOW
OBJECTIVE FIVE HE FEELS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> IT'S INTERESTING BECAUSE IT'S
THE EPITOME OF ARROGANCE AND
PRIVILEGE FOR SOMEBODY TO STILL
BE ACTING LIKE THAT AFTER THE
#MeToo TIME.
THERE SHOULD BE SOME TYPE OF
SELF CORRECTION, ALL MEN SHOULD
HAVE SELF CORRECTION AND IF YOU
DIDN'T HAVE SELF CORRECTION, IT
WILL LEAD TO SELF-DESTRUCTION.
IN THE CASE OF GOVERNOR CUOMO,
IT'S HARD TO ASK THEM TO RESIGN
WHEN TO YOUR POINT, YOU VOTED
FOR JOE BIDEN.
IF YOU WEREN'T UPSET WITH
JOE BIDEN WHO HAD MORE SERIOUS
ALLEGATIONS --
>> Bill: NO HE DIDN'T.
>> HE WAS ACCUSED OF ACTUAL
RAPE.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> Bill: ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
THE HALLWAY INCIDENT?
>> TARA READE TO.
>> Bill: I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
IF SOME I BELIEVE, SOME I DON'T,
THAT'S MY RIGHT.
DON'T BELIEVE HER, THESE WOMEN I
BELIEVE COMPLETELY.
I DON'T BELIEVE JOE BIDEN IS THE
GUY WHO FINGER BANGS YOU IN THE
HALLWAY, I DON'T.
>> THAT'S TO MY POINT, I'M NOT
SAYING I BELIEVE HER EITHER, I'M
SAYING HE HAD MORE SERIOUS
ALLEGATIONS LEVELED AGAINST HIM
AND I DIDN'T HEAR PEOPLE ASK FOR
HIM TO RESIGN AND DROP OUT OF
THE RACE.
>> HE DOESN'T IF YOU TAKE THAT
OUT OF IT, IF YOU TAKE THAT
INCIDENT OUT -- SHE DENIED THAT
100% AGAIN AND AGAIN, ANDREW
CUOMO HAS SAID ABOUT THE
25-YEAR-OLD EIGHT "WHEN I ASKED
HER IF SHE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
COOL TO HAVE SEX WITH OLDER MEN,
IT WAS MISINTERPRETED."
>> JOE BIDEN SAID THE SAME
THING, I'M GOING TO START
RESPECTING WOMEN'S PERSONAL
SPACE MORE.
>> Bill: THAT WAS DIFFERENT,
THAT WAS WHEN HE WAS SNIFFING
THEIR HAIR, THE FIRST
ALLEGATION, IT WASN'T EVEN
#MeToo INTERPRETED THAT WAY IN
THE PRESS, HE WAS TRYING TO DO
AN OLD MAN THING.
>> HARASSMENT IS HARASSMENT.
>> Bill: NO IT'S NOT.
>> I DON'T THINK WE CAN TELL
WOMEN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
SNIFFING HERE AND SAYING
SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE BECAUSE
I THINK IT'S JUST AS WEIRD.
IF I SNIFF YOUR HAIR RIGHT NOW
WHAT YOU THINK IT WAS WEIRD?
>> HE WAS LAUGHING AT THE PHRASE
SNIFFING HAIR.
>> Bill: HE WAS TRYING TO SHOW
HER ENCOURAGEMENT.
>> WALKED?
>> Bill: HE WAS!
SHE WAS ABOUT TO MAKE A SPEECH,
HE CAME UP BEHIND HER JUST TO BE
LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO DO GOOD OUT
THERE HONEY [SNIFFING]
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
LET'S NOT PRETEND WE LIVE IN
THIS WORLD WERE ALL THESE THINGS
ARE THE SAME.
>> I AGREE WITH THAT.
BUT I WONDER HOW THEY PICK AND
CHOOSE WHO THEY BELIEVE, HOW DID
THEY PICK AND CHOOSE WHO THEY
THINK SHOULD RESIGN.
>> Bill: WHO IS THEY?
>> DEMOCRATS, THE MEDIA.
>> Bill: IT'S INDIVIDUALS,
IT'S YOUR BULLSHIT METER, WHAT
YOU THINK IS REAL, CERTAINLY
BASED ON THE CHARACTER OF THE
PERSON AND WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT
THEM IN THE PAST.
WHAT SEEMS LOGICAL, WHAT SEEMS
RATIONAL.
WHAT I HATE ABOUT THE CUOMO
THING, DON'T LIE.
DON'T GIVE ME THIS BULLSHIT
ABOUT I WASN'T MAKING
ADVANCES -- YES YOU WERE.
>> HE COMPLETELY WAS!
>> Bill: BE REAL ABOUT IT, I'M
LONELY, I'M HORNY, THERE'S
NOTHING SADDER THAN A MAN WITH
NO GAME, AND MY RIGHT?
>> HE THINKS HE'S AN UNTOUCHABLE
MOB BOSS.
I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH GREASE YOU
PUT IN YOUR HAIR, YOU'RE NOT AN
UNTOUCHABLE MOB BOSS.
>> HE'S A BULLY THROUGH AND
THROUGH, A BULLY ACROSS EVERY
SECTOR OF HIS LIFE.
I HOPE WE IN THE MEDIA HAVE
LEARNED A LESSON HERE ABOUT
DEMONIZING AND DEIFYING PEOPLE.
GO BACK AND LOOK AT THE MARCH
AND APRIL WHEN CUOMO WAS DOING
THOSE DAILY NEWS CONFERENCES.
THERE WERE ALL SORTS OF THINGS
BEING WRITTEN, CAN WE GET BIDEN
OFF THE TICKET AND THIS GUY IN?
>> Bill: YES.
IF I WROTE ONE OF THEM MYSELF.
LET'S GET CUOMO IN THERE.
>> LOOK HOW THE TABLES HAVE
TURNED.
YOU GO FROM A HERO TO PUBLIC
ENEMY NUMBER ONE JUST THAT FAST.
>> WE DEIFY PEOPLE TO QUICKLY
AND WE DEMONIZE THEM.
>> Bill: TOAST OF THE TOWN TO
TOAST.
>> MY DAD ALWAYS SAID YOU'RE
NEVER AS GOOD AS THEY SAY A WIDE
AND ARE NEVER AS BAD AS THEY SAY
YOU ARE, IF HE JUST STAY RIGHT
IN THAT MIDDLE, YOU'LL BE FINE.
>> Bill: THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE
WHO DON'T LIKE WHEN I TALK ABOUT
THIS NEXT SUBJECT BUT I'M SORRY,
I CAN'T LISTEN TO 24/7 MEDIA
TALKING ABOUT COVID DEATH,
500,000 CONSTANT UPDATES, HOW
MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED AND IT IS
A LIFE AND DEATH ISSUE.
WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT OBESITY
AND THE FACT THAT THE MEDIA AND
THE FAUCIS WON'T IS AN EXAMPLE
OF THEIR TREMENDOUS COWARDICE IN
THE FACE OF THE "HOW DARE YOU
REMIND ME I'M FAT" LOBBY.
THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT OF AN
ISSUE NOT TO TALK ABOUT.
THIS IS "THE WASHINGTON POST"
THIS WEEK.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF CORONAVIRUS
DEATHS OCCURRED IN NATIONS WITH
HIGH LEVELS OF OBESITY.
88% OF DEATHS WERE IN COUNTRIES
WHERE MORE THAN HALF THE
POPULATION IS OVERWEIGHT FAUCI
WHEN TRUMP LEFT, HIS FIRST PRESS
CONFERENCE HE SAID THANK GOD,
THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD.
HE SAID "LET THE SCIENCE SPEAK."
BUT THIS IS THE SCIENCE AND HE
NEVER SPEAKS ABOUT IT.
HE NEVER TALKS ABOUT HOW WE HAVE
TO BE INVESTED IN OUR OWN
HEALTH.
IT'S WHAT'S THE MOST CRUCIAL
THING TO YOUR OUTCOME.
>> I THINK THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN
WHEN THEY SAY UNDERLYING
CONDITIONS.
INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING WHAT
UNDERLYING CONDITIONS ARE, THEY
JUST SAY UNDERLYING CONDITIONS.
THAT'S ALL I GOT.
I'M NOT GOING TO BE ON TWITTER
TOMORROW WITH YOU GETTING
ATTACKED BY ALL OF THE OBESE
PEOPLE.
[LAUGHTER]
'S.
LEAST THAT'S HONEST.
>> PICK YOUR BATTLES IN 2021!
>> Bill: I ADMIRE THAT, I'M
JUST NOT GOING THERE.
[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, I'LL BE THE GUY.
>> TO THE EXTENT THAT THERE IS A
RELUCTANCE TO TALK ABOUT OBESITY
AS AN UNDERLYING CONDITION, I
DON'T THINK THAT'S ABOUT IT
BEING IRRESPONSIBLE WITH
SCIENCE, I THINK IT'S ABOUT
TRYING TO RECOGNIZE FOR MANY,
MANY YEARS AND TO THIS DAY,
PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT ARE
SHAMED IN THIS COUNTRY.
THEY ARE STRUGGLING WITH IT,
THEY'RE NOT JUST KIND OF
GRABBING BAG AFTER BAG OF FRITOS
WITH ABANDON AND NOT CARING -- I
KNOW WHEREOF I SPEAK, IT'S A
TOUGH THING TO LOSE WEIGHT, TO
KEEP WEIGHT OFF.
I THINK WHEN WE SHY AWAY FROM
TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT OBESITY
AS AN UNDERLYING CONDITION, I
THINK WE ARE TRYING TO BE
BIGHEARTED AND GENEROUS AND
UNDERSTAND HUMANS ARE IMPERFECT
AND PEOPLE REALLY DO STRUGGLE
WITH THIS AND DON'T WANT TO BE
DEMONIZED FOR IT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: BUT THIS IS LIFE AND
DEATH, I AGREE, NOT SHAMING, NOT
MAKING FUN -- I'VE DONE THINGS
ABOUT THIS ISSUE, I'VE NEVER
DONE CHEAP FAT JOKES WITH IT.
TO NOT BRING IT UP, TO NOT EVER
GO THERE -- I ALSO READ LAST
WEEK THAT LIVER DISEASE THROUGH
THE ROOF BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE AT
HOME DRINKING.
THEY DON'T MENTION THAT EITHER.
IT'S NOT JUST OBESITY, IT'S
ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH
YOUR OWN PERSONAL HEALTH, TAKING
CARE OF YOUR OWN SELF
INTERNALLY.
THIS BATTLE HAS TO BE WON TWO
WAYS.
YOU HAVE MASKS AND SOCIAL
DISTANCING AND VACCINES, THAT'S
THE EXTERNAL.
NEVER WORRIED ABOUT THE INTERNAL
WHERE YOU HAVE THE BETTER CHANCE
OF WINNING THE GAME.
>> IT'S NOT LIKE THIS COUNTRY
PROMOTES HEALTHY LIVING.
>> Bill: THAT'S RIGHT!
>> HOW MANY TIMES YOU TURN ON
THE TV AND SEE A COMMERCIAL FOR
SOMETHING HEALTHY AS OPPOSED TO
A COMMERCIAL FOR SOME TYPE OF
FAST FOOD OR EVEN SOME TYPE OF
ALCOHOL?
AND AT CERTAIN PEOPLE LIVE IN
THESE COMMUNITIES, MOSTLY BLACK
AND BROWN PEOPLE WHERE THERE ARE
FOOD DESERTS, THEY WILL HAVE
ACCESS TO HEALTHY FOOD.
>> Bill: THAT SOMETHING SHOULD
PUT MONEY INTO.
>> 100%!
>> Bill: INSTEAD OF $1400 TO
GRANDMA --
>> OR THE F-35 FIGHTER JETS!
>> Bill: I TALKED ABOUT IT
LAST WEEK, I MENTIONED IT LAST
WEEK RIGHT HERE!
>> DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE
YOU COULD FEED HEALTHY WITH
$1.7 TRILLION?
>> IF YOU GO BACK TO THE OBAMA
ADMINISTRATION YOU WOULD FIND
MANY EFFORTS PUT INTO HEALTHY
LIVING AND YOU'LL FIND A
VEGETABLE GARDEN AT THE
WHITE HOUSE THAT WAS MEANT TO BE
A LESSON FOR THE COUNTRY AND
THEN WE HAD FOUR YEARS A
PRESIDENT WHO THOUGHT KFC WAS
HEALTH-FOOD.
>> A FAT AS PRESIDENT, YOU GOT
TO CALL IT WHAT IT IS.
YOU CAN EXPECT A FAT AS
PRESIDENT.
>> I DON'T SHAME PEOPLE.
>> Bill: IT'S ALWAYS OKAY TO
SHAME THEM WHEN THE REPUBLICANS.
I CAN MAKE AS MANY FAT JOKES
ABOUT CHRIS CHRISTIE AND TRUMP
ALL DAY LONG AND THAT'S COOL.
>> I WILL SHAMED DONALD TRUMP
FOR HIS STUPIDITY AND MENDACITY
AND COMPLETE IMMORALITY, NOT --
>> WE ARE NOT SHAMING, I THOUGHT
IT WAS AN ADJECTIVE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
AT ASS TRUMP, HE SPAT.
>> Bill: EXACTLY.
PROBABLY THE LAST THING I'LL GET
TO, COCA-COLA LAST WEEK THEY PUT
OUT A DIVERSITY TRAINING THING
ASKING THEIR EMPLOYEES TO BE
LESS WHITE IN THE FIRST THING I
THOUGHT WAS THAT'S KIND OF TURN
AROUND FAIR PLAY BECAUSE I'VE
CERTAINLY HEARD A LOT OF
AFRICAN-AMERICANS TALK ABOUT HOW
IN THE OFFICE THEY HAD TO BE
LESS BLACK AND O.J. SIMPSON SAID
IT FAMOUSLY HE WAS LIKE WHEN I
GO ON THE AIR, I HAVE TO TALK
WHITE AND I HAVE TO COMPORT
MYSELF IN A DIFFERENT WAY, I
HAVE TO LIVE IN TWO DIFFERENT
WORLDS.
IT'S NOT LIKE UNPRECEDENTED TO
ASK A CERTAIN GROUP OF PEOPLE TO
BE LESS OF WHAT YOU ARE, RIGHT?
BUT IS THIS THE WAY OF THE
FUTURE?
IS THIS REVENGE, IS THIS
JUSTIFIED REVENGE, IS IT
JUSTICE?
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE LESS
WHITE.
I DANCE BETTER?
SPEAK IT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN
WHEN THEY SAY BE LESS WHITE.
>> Bill: I REALLY DON'T.
>> WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY THAT'S
FULL OF WHITE SUPREMACY, WE KNOW
PEOPLE ARE RACIST AND BIGOTED, I
THINK PEOPLE HAVE A LOT OF
UNCONSCIOUS BIASES WHEN THEY ARE
WHITE.
>> Bill: NOT JUST WHITE.
>> I THINK ASKING SOMEBODY TO BE
LESS WHITE IS JUST TO SAY USE
YOUR PRIVILEGE TO COMBAT THE
PREJUDICE THAT EXISTS WITHIN
THIS WORKPLACE.
IF YOU'RE A WHITE MAN, WHITE
WOMAN, USE YOUR PRIVILEGE YOU
HAVE TWO COMBAT PREJUDICE
AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE.
IF YOU'RE A MAN, USE OR
PRIVILEGE TO COMBAT SEXISM
AGAINST WOMEN, USE YOUR STRAIGHT
PRIVILEGE TO COMBAT PREJUDICE
THAT EXISTS AGAINST LGBTQ
COMMUNITY, THAT'S ALL THEY ARE
ASKING YOU TO DO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> THE GOAL IS RIGHTEOUS BUT I
DON'T THINK THAT LANGUAGE GETS
US THERE, I THINK IT'S
COUNTERPRODUCTIVE BECAUSE I
DON'T KNOW WHAT BE LESS WHITE
MEANS.
I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE MORE
SENSITIVE AND TO BE LESS HASTY
IN MY JUDGMENTS AND BE LESS
BIGOTED I STRIVE TO BE THOSE
THINGS.
>> BECAUSE YOU'RE WHITE, AND I'M
BLACK AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT
MEANS WHEN THEY SAY BE LESS
WHITE.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN
THEY TELL SOMEBODY TO BE LESS
WHITE BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DEALING
WITH WHITE PEOPLE MY WHOLE LIFE
AND I DON'T EVEN THINK SOMETIMES
WHITE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THE
PRIVILEGE AND THE POWER THEY
POSSESS IN THIS COUNTRY.
I REALLY DON'T, ESPECIALLY OLDER
WHITE MALES AND I THINK THAT'S
WHY A LOT OF OLDER WHITE MALES
THINK THEY'RE BEING TARGETED
WHEN THE TRUTH IS THEY ARE JUST
BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE.
[APPLAUSE]
AND WHEN YOU HAVE SO MUCH
PRIVILEGE AND SO MUCH POWER AND
YOU'RE NOT USED TO BEING HELD
ACCOUNTABLE, YOU THINK FAIRNESS
IS OPPRESSION.
I JUST WANT YOU TO TREAT US
FAIR, THAT'S IT.
NOW THAT YOU'RE ASKING Y'ALL TO
TREAT US FAIR, YOU'RE LIKE "I'M
A VICTIM NOW, I FEEL OPPRESSED
AND I FEEL MARGINALIZED."
NO, WE JUST WANT FAIRNESS.
>> Bill: I WOULD ALSO JUST
LIKE TO POINT OUT, COCA-COLA IS
NOT GOOD FOR OBESITY.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR NEW RULES,
EVERYBODY, NEW RULES.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
NEW RULE: WE HAVE TO ADMIT THAT
NOW THAT WE'VE GOTTEN THESE
RESULTS FOR THE JOHNSON AND
JOHNSON VACCINE.
IT'S HARD TO IGNORE THAT THINGS
ARE LOOKING UP.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S NICE TO SEE POSITIVE TEST
[APPLAUSE]
RESULTS THAT ARE AS HAPPY TO SEE
ME AS I AM TO SEE THEM.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: SOMEONE MUST TELL
HASBRO, WHO JUST ANNOUNCED
THEY'RE DROPPING THE "MR."
IN "MR. POTATO HEAD" TO BE MORE
"GENDER NEUTRAL," THAT NOT
HAVING GENITALS IS GENDER
NEUTRAL ENOUGH.
[LAUGHTER]
>> VERY TRUE.
>> Bill: AND BEFORE YOU SAY
THIS WHOLE THING SOUNDS
COMPLETELY INSANE, KNOW THIS,
THAT SALES ARE THROUGH THE ROOF
AT TOYS R THEY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: SOMEONE HAS TO TELL
ERICA FARMER, WHO'S BEEN ACCUSED
OF NOT ONLY STEALING HER
NEIGHBOR'S GOAT, BUT PAINTING IT
- IF YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO
THINK YOU'RE GUILTY, TRY WIPING
THAT LOOK OFF YOUR FACE THAT
SAYS, "I'LL STEAL YOUR FUCKIN'
GOAT AND PAINT IT TOO."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: NOW THAT PARIS HILTON
HAS A PODCAST, SOMEONE HAS TO
FIND ONE PERSON IN AMERICA WHO
SAW PARIS STRUGGLE TO GET OUT OF
A LIMO WITH A POODLE IN ONE HAND
AND A COSMO IN THE OTHER AND
SAID, "I WONDER WHAT SHE'S
THINKING?"
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: SINCE AMERICA'S BROKEN
HEALTH-CARE SYSTEM CHARGES
PEOPLE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO
TAKE AN AMBULANCE, UBER SHOULD
COMPETE WITH ITS OWN EMERGENCY
SERVICE UBERLANCE.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S THE SAME AS A REGULAR UBER,
[APPLAUSE]
EXCEPT THERE'S BAND AIDS AND
GAUZE IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT,
AND THE DRIVER PROMISES NOT TO
TALK ABOUT HIS SCREENPLAY WHILE
YOU'RE BLEEDING OUT.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE.
IT'S TIME TO RAISE AWARENESS
ABOUT A VERY SERIOUS PROBLEM:
RAISING AWARENESS.
WE RAISE TOO MUCH OF IT, AND
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S MAKING US CRAZY, ANXIOUS
AND DEPRESSED.
MUST WE BE SAD ABOUT EVERYTHING
ALL THE TIME, MOST OF WHICH WE
CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT?
THE RIBBONS, THE FLAGS, THE ADS,
THE HASHTAGS - IT'S LIKE THAT
PERSON ON THE PLANE IN THE NEXT
SEAT WHO WON'T TAKE A HINT THAT
YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK.
[LAUGHTER]
PLEASE, I JUST WANT TO LOOK OUT
THE WINDOW AS THE ENGINE
EXPLODES.
[LAUGHTER]
AND SINCE IT'S AWARD SEASON,
TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
THIS RIBBON TO RAISE AWARENESS
OF THE GROWING EPIDEMIC OF
RAISING AWARENESS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IN MARCH ALONE, WE ARE MARKING
WORLD GLAUCOMA WEEK, NATIONAL
POISON PREVENTION WEEK,
INTERNATIONAL HPV AWARENESS DAY
AND WORLD DOWN SYNDROME DAY.
MARCH IS ALSO NATIONAL COLO
RECTAL CANCER AWARENESS MONTH,
BRAIN INJURY AWARENESS MONTH,
BLEEDING DISORDERS AWARENESS
MONTH, AND NATIONAL DEEP-VEIN
THROMBOSIS AWARENESS MONTH.
THAT'S THE MONTH OF MARCH FOR
YOU - IT COMES IN LIKE A BRAIN
INJURY AND GOES OUT LIKE DEEP
VEIN THROMBOSIS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
OH, AND LEST I FORGET, THIS
MONDAY KICKS OFF WORLD SALT
AWARENESS WEEK - A WHOLE WEEK TO
BE AWARE OF SALT.
[LAUGHTER]
I THOUGHT WE WERE.
[APPLAUSE]
IS THERE SOMEONE OUT THERE
THINKING, "WHY DO RESTAURANTS
ALWAYS PUT THE COCAINE RIGHT
NEXT TO THE PEPPER?"
[LAUGHTER]
WE'RE SO AWARE 24/7 OF EVERY BAD
[APPLAUSE]
THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN
THAT WE'VE COMPLETELY RUN OUT OF
COLORS.
PURPLE IS NOW THE COLOR FOR
ALZHEIMER'S, LUPUS, EPILEPSY,
FIBROMYALGIA, AND THE OPIOID
CRISIS.
I USED TO LIKE THAT COLOR - NOW
IT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
EVERYTHING YOU CAN BUY NOW COMES
IN A PINK VERSION TO RAISE
AWARENESS OF BREAST CANCER
INCLUDING A PINK DRILL BIT FOR
FRACKING, WHICH IS PROBABLY
GIVING US CANCER.
STAPLES SELLS PINK BREAST-CANCER
AWARENESS PENS, PAPER CLIPS,
SCISSORS - EVEN A PINK STAPLER
SHAPED LIKE A RIBBON.
WALKING THE AISLES THERE IS LIKE
A VISIT TO THE CANCER MUSEUM.
[LAUGHTER]
AM I A TERRIBLE PERSON BECAUSE
I'D LIKE TO BUY OFFICE SUPPLIES
WITHOUT NEEDING A DRINK
AFTERWARD?
[LAUGHTER]
FOOTBALL PLAYERS WITH PINK
SHOES?
LOOK, LET ME GO ON RECORD AND
SAY I AM AGAINST BREAST CANCER.
BUT I'M TRYING TO ESCAPE FOR A
FEW HOURS - CAN I JUST WATCH THE
GAME WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT
CANCER?
WE'VE ALL HEARD ABOUT IT.
[APPLAUSE]
IT'S LIKE RAISING AWARENESS FOR
DEATH.
"HEY, WHAT'S THAT BLACK RIBBON
FOR?"
"DEATH."
"WHAT'S THAT?"
"IT'S WHEN YOU'RE NOT ALIVE
ANYMORE -- WOULD YOU LIKE TO
HEAR MORE?"
BUDWEISER PULLED THEIR ADS FROM
THIS YEAR'S SUPER BOWL AND
DONATED THE MONEY TO RAISE
AWARENESS ABOUT COVID, WHICH I'M
PRETTY AWARE OF.
HEY, BUDWEISER - YOU WEREN'T PUT
ON EARTH TO RAISE MY AWARENESS -
YOU WERE PUT ON EARTH TO LOWER
IT.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HUMANS NEED TO ZONE OUT
SOMETIMES.
THAT'S WHY MARIJUANA IS SO
POPULAR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND MEDITATING.
IT'S NOT A "PRIVILEGE" TO TAKE A
BREAK FROM EVERYONE ELSE'S
PROBLEMS - IT'S AN IMPERATIVE.
NOT EVERY AD ON TV NEEDS TO
CHASTISE ME FOR NOT DOING ENOUGH
BECAUSE I'M SITTING AROUND
WATCHING TV.
I CAN'T EVEN WATCH THE PRICE IS
RIGHT WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT
CUTTING MY DOG'S BALLS OFF.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
CREW MEMBERS ON THE MAJOR
AIRLINES NOW WEAR BLACK LIVES
MATTER PINS DURING THE FLIGHT.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN SUPPORT A
MOVEMENT WITHOUT BEING
CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF IT.
CAN I JUST GET A RUM AND COKE
AND HOLD THE WHITE GUILT TRIP
'TIL WE LAND?
MUST WE USE EVERY AVAILABLE
PLATFORM AS AN ISSUE BILLBOARD -
CLOTHING, COMMERCIALS, SOCIAL
MEDIA, SPORTING EVENTS, AWARD
SHOWS.
MILK.
I FEEL LIKE THIS ALL STARTED
WITH MILK.
SOMEONE IN THE '80S LOOKED AT A
MILK CARTON AND SAID, "WHAT A
WASTE - NOT USING MILK AS A
VEHICLE FOR MISSING CHILDREN TO
PLEAD WITH YOU TO PUT DOWN THE
SHREDDED WHEAT AND GET OUT THERE
AND CRACK MY COLD CASE!"
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T HAVE A LAB WHERE I CAN
CURE CANCER.
I'M NOT A P.I.
AND THAT'S THE PART ABOUT THIS
STUFF THAT BUGS ME.
IT'S NOT ACTUALLY DOING
SOMETHING.
THAT RIBBON ISN'T THERE TO MAKE
ME THINK SO MUCH AS TO RAISE
AWARENESS OF WHAT A GOOD PERSON
YOU ARE.
THIS IS TO ACTIVISM WHAT PUTTING
A FLAG ON YOUR CAR IS TO
PATRIOTISM.
SO IN APRIL, PLEASE, WON'T YOU
JOIN ME FOR CHILL THE FUCK OUT
MONTH.
OKAY, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS FRANK
BRUNI, CHARLAMAGNE THA GOD AND
JOE SCARBOROUGH.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
THANK YOU FOLKS, YOU WERE GREAT!
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪